Season 5 · Tập 1

Kids, on my first day as a college professor,

/kɪdz/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ /prəˈfɛsər/

there were two things I didn't know

/ðɛr/ /wɜːr/ /tuː/ /θɪŋz/ /noʊ/

that I wish did.

/ðæt/ /wɪʃ/ /dɪd/

The first thing was that your mother was in that classroom.

/fɜːrst/ /θɪŋ/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ˈklæsruːm/

The second thing?

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /θɪŋ/

Well, to explain that, we have to go back

/wɛl/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/

to the beginning of the summer,

/ˈsʌmər/

when, after a year of wrestling

/wɛn/ /ˈæf.tər/ /jɪr/

with their feelings for each other,

/wɪð/ /ðɛr/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /fɔːr/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Barney and Robin finally, well...

/ænd/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /wɛl/

Whoo! Lily, volume.

/wuː/

Use your indoor "whoo."

/juːz/ /jʊr/ /wuː/

Sorry, whoo!

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wuː/

It's just they kissed!

/dʒʌst/ /ðeɪ/ /kɪst/

They're finally a couple.

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /ˈkʌpəl/

Oh, my God, you guys!

/maɪ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

This is our first double date!

/ɪz/ /aʊər/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈdʌbəl/ /deɪt/

First of millions!

/fɜːrst/

What if our kids get married?!

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /aʊər/ /kɪdz/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

Oh, I love this!

/lʌv/

Yeah... Lily, listen.

/ˈlɪs.ən/

Barney's awesome.

/ˈɔːsəm/

Robin's more than just awe-"some."

/mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/

She's awe-"quite a bit."

/kwaɪt/

She's awe-"a whole darn lot."

/hoʊl/ /lɒt/

Wait, what are you saying?

/weɪt/ /wɒt/ /juː/

We're just not feeling it right now.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

But we'll totally still be friends. Oh, yeah.

/bʌt/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /biː/ /frɛndz/

Is it something I did?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /dɪd/

Oh, no, no, no, no, God, no. No, no, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Uh-uh. Lily, it's not you.

/juː/

It's us. Yeah.

/ʌs/

It's us.

/ʌs/

You understand, right?

/juː/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /raɪt/

Sure, of course.

/ʃʊr/ /kɔːrs/

As long as you're happy, I'm happy.

/lɔːŋ/ /ˈhæp.i/ /ˈhæp.i/

We were gonna take cooking lessons together

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /teɪk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

and we were gonna go on camping trips together

/ænd/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

and then we were gonna sit around telling funny stories

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /sɪt/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /ˈstɔːriz/

about our cooking lessons and our camping trips.

/əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/ /ænd/ /aʊər/

I know, I know.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

So, has the boat sailed on sex tonight or...

/hæz/ /boʊt/ /ɒn/ /sɛks/ /təˈnaɪt/

After that, the summer went by way too fast.

/ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/ /ˈsʌmər/ /wɛnt/ /weɪ/ /fæst/

Until all of a sudden, it was the Friday

/ənˈtɪl/ /ɔːl/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

before my first day as a college professor.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ /prəˈfɛsər/

Whoa, what's this? Oh, boy.

/bɔɪ/

It's just a little something that we got for you

/dʒʌst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

that used to belong to my favorite professor of all time.

/ðæt/ /maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /prəˈfɛsər/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

A fedora.

I'm Indiana Jones!

I'm Indiana Jones!

That, my friend, is the Dominator 8000,

/ðæt/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /ɪz/

the best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy.

/bɛst/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ɡaɪ/

Yeah, I have a whip guy.

/hæv/ /ɡaɪ/

You know what we should do? We should...

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /duː/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/

Finish our drinks, go out in the alley, and whip stuff.

/ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /aʊər/ /drɪŋks/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /stʌf/

God, you just get me.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /miː/

Okay, I should get going. I got a date.

/ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /deɪt/

Oh, are you still seeing that guy?

/juː/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

Uh, even better, seeing him naked.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /hɪm/

What! Oh!

/wɒt/

I should go, too.

/ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/

I hooked up with this Chinese girl last night,

/hʊkt/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/ /læst/ /naɪt/

and I don't know, it's weird. I already feel like seconds.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/

Okay, Ted, you got first whip!

/juː/ /fɜːrst/

All right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Hey, dummy.

What did tell you about smoking in here?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈsmoʊkɪŋ/ /hɪr/

Make him whip the habit!

/meɪk/ /hɪm/

I'm so excited about this whip!

/ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /əˈbaʊt/

I got whip fever!

/ˈfiːvər/

Just whip him, Ted!

/dʒʌst/ /hɪm/

Don't even aim!

/ˈiːvən/

Just whip him!

/dʒʌst/ /hɪm/

I am so sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

No, it's just the whip's not a toy, Ted.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/

There's such a thing as common sense, you know.

/sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈkɒmən/ /sɛns/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Hey, you can whip me if you want.

/juː/ /kæn/ /miː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

I will, some other time.

/wɪl/ /sʌm/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /taɪm/

Whoo! Whoo!

/wuː/ /wuː/

So, how long has this been going on?

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /hæz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

All summer.

/ɔːl/ /ˈsʌmər/

I knew it!

/njuː/ /ɪt/

I knew it! I knew it!

/njuː/ /ɪt/ /njuː/ /ɪt/

You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /ænd/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

Whoa, hey. Whoa.

Wow, no. Whoa...

/noʊ/

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lily. Girlfriend?

/ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

Slow your roll there, Lilypad. Yeah, yeah.

/sloʊ/ /jʊr/ /roʊl/ /ðɛr/

You've been together all summer. I don't get it.

/təˈɡɛð.ər/ /ɔːl/ /ˈsʌmər/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Okay, it's like this.

/laɪk/

After we kissed, we sat down to have the talk.

/ˈæf.tər/ /wiː/ /kɪst/ /wiː/ /sæt/ /daʊn/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/

We should figure out what this is.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /aʊt/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/

Yes, we should.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/

Or.

Or...

Okay, now, we have to figure this out.

/naʊ/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /aʊt/

Yes, we do.

/wiː/ /duː/

Or. Or...

Whoa!

We kept trying to have the talk

/wiː/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/

and then we realized we hate the talk.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wiː/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /wiː/ /heɪt/ /tɔːk/

Yeah, the talk sucks.

/tɔːk/

You have to, like, talk.

/juː/ /hæv/ /laɪk/ /tɔːk/

And be all,"I don't know.

/ænd/ /biː/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/

It's not that I don't like you.

/ðæt/ /laɪk/ /juː/

it's just that I haven't had a girlfriend

/dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /hæd/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

in a really long time.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/

I hope it doesn't make you mad."

/hoʊp/ /ɪt/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /mæd/

Who needs it?

/huː/ /ɪt/

You needs it.

/juː/ /ɪt/

Guys, you can't

/ɡaɪz/ /juː/

just keep hooking up

/dʒʌst/ /kiːp/ /ʌp/

and not at least try and figure out

/ænd/ /liːst/ /traɪ/ /ænd/ /aʊt/

what you mean to each other.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /miːn/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Yeah, we knew you would say that.

/wiː/ /njuː/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

That's why we kept it a secret.

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /ɪt/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

We, that and the fact

/wiː/ /ðæt/ /ænd/ /fækt/

that elaborate lies really turn us on.

/ðæt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /tɜːrn/ /ʌs/ /ɒn/

No, no, no. No.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

You need to define the relationship.

/juː/ /niːd/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

You ne to have the talk.

/juː/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/

Or. Or..

I know what you're all thinking.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɔːl/

"Who's this cool peer of mine up in front of the class?"

/kuːl/ /pɪr/ /maɪn/ /ʌp/ /klæs/

Well, I know the board says

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /bɔːrd/

"Professor Mosby," but to you

/prəˈfɛsər/ /bʌt/ /juː/

I'm Ted, huh?

Question. Awesome.

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Hit it. Yeah, here's my question.

/ɪt/ /maɪ/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

"Ted," who the hell do you think you are?

/huː/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/

Yeah, "Ted."

We're supposed to learn from you?

/səˈpoʊzd/ /lɜːrn/ /juː/

You failed as an architect.

/juː/ /feɪld/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

Well... Well...

/wɛl/ /wɛl/

And if you're a professor,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /prəˈfɛsər/

where's your hat and your whip?

/jʊr/ /hæt/ /ænd/ /jʊr/

They're at home. I...

/hoʊm/

And where are your pants?

/ænd/ /wɛr/ /jʊr/ /pænts/

Oh!

Oh, God.

Barney, it was awful. I was teaching...

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /wɒz/ /ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/

Shh, Ted, now's not a good time.

/ɡʊd/ /taɪm/

Where do you keep your condoms?

/wɛr/ /duː/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /jʊr/

Okay, look, mistake #1

/lʊk/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

was taking that girl's question.

/wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

You don't take questions on the first day.

/juː/ /teɪk/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /ɒn/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/

It shows weakness.

/ɪt/ /ʃoʊz/

Mistake #2

/mɪˈsteɪk/

was you should've hit that.

/wɒz/ /juː/ /ðæt/

Dude, your pants were already off,

/jʊr/ /pænts/ /wɜːr/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ɒf/

youu had a classroom full of people to cheer you on,

/hæd/ /ˈklæsruːm/ /fʊl/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /juː/ /ɒn/

and you can't knock her up 'cause it's a dream.

/ænd/ /juː/ /nɒk/ /hɜːr/ /ʌp/ /kɔːz/ /driːm/

Class dismissed.

/klæs/

Mistake #3: dude, where was the hat?

/mɪˈsteɪk/ /wɛr/ /wɒz/ /hæt/

Because if y're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪf/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɛr/ /ɪt/ /ɪt/ /bæk/

I think what Barney's saying is that

/θɪŋk/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

definitions are important.

/ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

You're their teacher, not their friend.

/ðɛr/ /ˈtiː.tʃər/ /ðɛr/ /frɛnd/

Exactly.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

If people don't know their place,

/ɪf/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /noʊ/ /ðɛr/ /pleɪs/

nobody's happy.

/ˈhæp.i/

Amen. Amen.

You have to make things clear.

/juː/ /hæv/ /meɪk/ /θɪŋz/ /klɪər/

Run tell that.

/rʌn/ /tɛl/ /ðæt/

Define the relationship.

/rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

Yes! No!

/noʊ/

Lily, private convo time.

/ˈpraɪvɪt/ /taɪm/

Lily, can't you just let us be happy?

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /ʌs/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/

You're not happy.

/ˈhæp.i/

You just think you're happy because you feel happy.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈhæp.i/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /ˈhæp.i/

And that's not happy?

/ænd/ /ˈhæp.i/

Of course not.

/kɔːrs/

You and Robin need to have the talk.

/juː/ /ænd/ /niːd/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/

Why? Give me one good reason. I'll give you 20...

/waɪ/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈriːzən/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/

Wow, you can't even think of one.

/juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /θɪŋk/

Headlights. Deer.

Lily, for the last time,

/fɔːr/ /læst/ /taɪm/

things with me and Robin are as good as they can possibly be.

/θɪŋz/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /ænd/ /ɡʊd/ /ðeɪ/ /kæn/ /biː/

Oh, hey, look, Brad's here.

/lʊk/ /hɪr/

I've got two tickets

/tuː/ /ˈtɪkɪts/

to the Rangers/Canucksame tomorrow night.

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/

I know you're a hockey fan, so I was thinking...

/noʊ/ /ˈhɒki/ /fæn/ /wɒz/

Uh, oh, um...

Uh...

What do I have to do?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /hæv/ /duː/

Put a gun to your head?

/pʊt/ /ɡʌn/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/

Buy you a six pack?

/baɪ/ /juː/ /sɪks/

Oh, come on, Brad, that's...

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Wow, there's really six of them.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /sɪks/ /ðɛm/

Uh, but, uh, I can't.

/bʌt/

Why not? You have a boyfriend?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

No. No, no boyfriend.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

Great! It's a date.

/ɡreɪt/ /deɪt/

Hey, Barn. Hey, Brad... Hey, Barn. Hey, Brad...

Eventually, Robin and Brad went to a hockey game.

/ænd/ /wɛnt/ /ˈhɒki/ /ɡeɪm/

You're probably wondering why I've been quiet all night.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /waɪ/ /ˈkwaɪɪt/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

Um...

Damn it, Hordichuk!

/ɪt/

You miss another gimme like that,

/juː/ /mɪs/ /əˈnʌðər/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

I'm gonna come down there

/kʌm/ /daʊn/ /ðɛr/

and put a slapper right up your beerhole! Come on!

/ænd/ /pʊt/ /raɪt/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

Not really.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

The truth is,

/truːθ/ /ɪz/

I... I feel kind of weird being out with you.

/fiːl/ /kaɪnd/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Oh, man.

/mæn/

Is this the talk?

/ɪz/ /tɔːk/

What? No, this is good.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /ɪz/ /ɡʊd/

Let's get it all out of the way.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /aʊt/ /weɪ/

Robin, I'm looking for something serious.

/fɔːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

No, Brad, no, it's...

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

But before we go any further, you should know something

/bʌt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈɛn.i/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

about my stuff below the belt.

/əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /stʌf/

I was born a little different.

/wɒz/ /bɔːrn/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

God, no, uh,

/noʊ/

Brad, no, um...

/noʊ/

This is about me and Barney. You and Barn...

/ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/ /ænd/ /juː/ /ænd/

Oh, oh, so you, you guys are...

/juː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Well, we... we... we don't know what we are.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /wiː/ /wiː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wiː/

I mean, my heart says "leap into it."

/miːn/ /maɪ/ /hɑːrt/ /ɪt/

My brain says "it's a bad idea."

/maɪ/ /breɪn/ /bæd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Sounds like you guys need to have the talk.

/laɪk/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /niːd/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/

We're not gonna have the talk!

/hæv/ /tɔːk/

Would you just have the talk, okay?

/wʊd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/

It's a five-minute conversation,

/ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

and then you get to have sex afterwards.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

It's great! Back me up, Ted.

/ɡreɪt/ /bæk/ /miː/ /ʌp/

I don't think the talk is necessary.

/θɪŋk/ /tɔːk/ /ɪz/ /ˈnɛsəsɛri/

What?! Thank you, Ted.

/wɒt/ /juː/

Because Robin is already his girlfriend.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪz/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hɪz/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

What?! Sao?!

/wɒt/

MacLaren's Bar, four years ago...

/bɑːr/ /əˈɡoʊ/

How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /ɡɜːrl/ /jʊr/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

Simple: the rules for girls

/ˈsɪm.pəl/ /fɔːr/ /ɡɜːrlz/

are the same as the rules for gremlins.

/seɪm/ /fɔːr/

"Gremlins"?

Gremlins. Rule #1:

/ruːl/

Never get them wet.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛm/ /wɛt/

In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.

/ˈʌð.ər/ /wɜːrdz/ /lɛt/ /hɜːr/ /teɪk/ /ˈʃaʊər/ /jʊr/ /pleɪs/

#2: keep them away from sunlight...

/kiːp/ /ðɛm/ /əˈweɪ/

I.E. don't ever see them during the day.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /siː/ /ðɛm/ /ˈdʊərɪŋ/ /deɪ/

And rule #3 never feed them after midnight.

/ænd/ /ruːl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /fiːd/ /ðɛm/ /ˈæf.tər/

Meaning she doesn't sleep over

/ˈmiː.nɪŋ/ /ʃiː/ /sliːp/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

and you don't have breakfast with her ever.

/ænd/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ˈɛv.ər/

What about brunch? Is brunch cool?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /brʌntʃ/ /ɪz/ /brʌntʃ/ /kuːl/

No, Ted. Lunch is not cool.

/noʊ/ /lʌntʃ/ /ɪz/ /kuːl/

Ok, new topic.

/njuː/ /ˈtɒp.ɪk/

How do I pick a tie?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /pɪk/ /taɪ/

Simple: remember in the movie Predator...

/ˈsɪm.pəl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ˈpredətər/

I've done all three of those things with Robin.

/dʌn/ /ɔːl/ /θriː/ /ðoʊz/ /θɪŋz/ /wɪð/

Is she my girlfriend?

/ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

Just once, I wish you guys would call me on Tuxedo Night.

/dʒʌst/ /wʌns/ /wɪʃ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wʊd/ /kɔːl/ /miː/ /ɒn/ /naɪt/

Ladies and gentlemen, time to pucker up

/ænd/ /taɪm/ /ʌp/

for the New York Rangers Kiss Cam!

/fɔːr/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /kɪs/

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

/kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/

Okay, how about this?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

If you kiss me and you feel bad about it,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kɪs/ /miː/ /ænd/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /bæd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

you're meant to be with Barney.

/biː/ /wɪð/

Why not? Lay it on me.

/waɪ/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/ /miː/

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

/kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

/kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

/kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/ /kɪs/

Hey, Brad.

Brad, we can't fight like this all night!

/wiː/ /faɪt/ /laɪk/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

We both got some good shots in. Let's call a truce!

/wiː/ /boʊθ/ /sʌm/ /ɡʊd/ /ʃɒts/ /kɔːl/

It's okay, dude.

I shouldn't go kissing some other guy's girlfriend.

/ɡoʊ/ /sʌm/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, girlfriend?

/ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

He come on.

/hiː/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

That's putting it a bit strongly.

/ɪt/

A bit strongly. She's not my girlfriend. Okay, yeah.

/maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

A gifriend's a bit much, Brad, okay?

/mʌtʃ/

Okay, seriously.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/

We're at the point of physical violence.

/pɔɪnt/ /ˈfɪzɪkl/

Now, will you please have the talk?

/naʊ/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /pliːz/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/

Because of that?

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðæt/

Come on. That's thing.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /θɪŋ/

I'm always punching guys. Mm-hmm.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɡaɪz/

Girls... I'll punch a baby. I don't care.

/ɡɜːrlz/ /pʌntʃ/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /kɛr/

Finally, my first class had arrived.

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /klæs/ /hæd/ /əˈraɪvd/

For real this time.

/fɔːr/ /riːl/ /taɪm/

I knew I had to make a strong impression.

/njuː/ /hæd/ /meɪk/ /strɒŋ/

I had thought of everything.

/hæd/ /θɔːt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Except...

/ɪkˈsɛpt/

Wait. Does professor have one "F" or two?

/weɪt/ /dʌz/ /prəˈfɛsər/ /hæv/ /tuː/

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

/maɪ/ /maɪ/

Professor. Professor.

/prəˈfɛsər/ /prəˈfɛsər/

Pro-fess-or. Pro-fess-or.

They're all staring at me.

/ɔːl/ /miː/

Professor. Uh, I don't know.

/prəˈfɛsər/ /noʊ/

Just do something!

/dʒʌst/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Two "F's." That looks right.

/tuː/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/

I think that's right.

/θɪŋk/ /raɪt/

Hey, sorry I went little too far last night.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɛnt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /fɑːr/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Oh, look, we've been over this.

/lʊk/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Unless I say "flugelhorn," you haven't gone too far.

/ənˈlɛs/ /seɪ/ /juː/ /ɡɔːn/ /fɑːr/

No, meant punching Brad.

/noʊ/

Oh, right. Look, don't even worry about it.

/raɪt/ /lʊk/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

It's... oh. God.

The doorknob's broken off.

/ɒf/

We're locked in here.

/hɪr/

Did, did you do this? No.

/dɪd/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /duː/ /noʊ/

Flugelhorn. Did you do this?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /duː/

No.

/noʊ/

Ted? Ted, are you out there?

/juː/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Ted's not here, Robin.

/hɪr/

Lily, let us out of here.

/lɛt/ /ʌs/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

I'd be glad to.

/biː/ /ɡlæd/

Just as soon as you and Barney have the talk.

/dʒʌst/ /suːn/ /juː/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/

Lily! Come on. Let us out!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /lɛt/ /ʌs/ /aʊt/

No. Sit down,

/noʊ/ /sɪt/ /daʊn/

define the relationship, write down

/rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /raɪt/ /daʊn/

that definition on a piece of paper,

/ðæt/ /ɒn/ /piːs/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/

slip it under the door,

/ɪt/ /ˈʌndər/ /dɔːr/

and if I like what I read, you can go.

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /laɪk/ /wɒt/ /riːd/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ɡoʊ/

We are not having the talk!

/wiː/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /tɔːk/

Then you'll die in there.

/ðɛn/ /daɪ/ /ðɛr/

You're gonna lock us in here?

/lɒk/ /ʌs/ /hɪr/

Well, guess what?

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/

Maybe we'll spend the whole day having sex!

/ˈmeɪbi/ /spɛnd/ /hoʊl/ /deɪ/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /sɛks/

Well, guess what?

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/

I brought Marshall with me, so maybe we'll do the same.

/wɪð/ /miː/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /duː/ /seɪm/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

I still hadn't decided

what kind of professor I wanted to be...

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /prəˈfɛsər/ /biː/

authoritative or cool guy.

/kuːl/ /ɡaɪ/

I thought I would decide in the moment.

/θɔːt/ /wʊd/ /dɪˈsaɪd/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

And I did. About 20 times.

/ænd/ /dɪd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /taɪmz/

Good morning.

/ɡʊd/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

'Sup, dudes?

Silence!

This is Architecture 101.

/ɪz/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

I am Professor Mosby.

/prəˈfɛsər/

But you can call me Ted.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /kæn/ /kɔːl/ /miː/

Professor Mosby.

/prəˈfɛsər/

T-Dawg. T-Dawg.

Do not call me T-Dawg.

/duː/ /kɔːl/ /miː/

Never take questions on the first day.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /teɪk/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /ɒn/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/

It shows weakness.

/ɪt/ /ʃoʊz/

Also,

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/

don't look right here.

/lʊk/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/

Okay, good luck. Byesies.

/ɡʊd/ /lʌk/

This was it: my crossroads moment.

/wɒz/ /ɪt/ /maɪ/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

What kind of professor was I gonna be

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /prəˈfɛsər/ /wɒz/ /biː/

I had to decide.

/hæd/ /dɪˈsaɪd/

Please save all your questions until the end of the lecture.

/pliːz/ /seɪv/ /ɔːl/ /jʊr/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ɛnd/ /ˈlɛktʃər/

Thank you!

/juː/

Now...

/naʊ/

Professor Mosby had arrived.

/prəˈfɛsər/ /hæd/ /əˈraɪvd/

Of course, if I had taken that girl's question...

/kɔːrs/ /ɪf/ /hæd/ /ðæt/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

who, by the way,was not your mom

/huː/ /weɪ/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/

your mom was sitting...

/jʊr/ /mɒm/ /wɒz/

Wait, let me finish this story real quick.

/weɪt/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /ˈstɔːri/ /riːl/ /kwɪk/

Here's what that girl would have said.

/wɒt/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /sɛd/

I'm sorry to bother you, Professor Mosby,

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈbɒðər/ /juː/ /prəˈfɛsər/

but this isn't Architecture 101.

/bʌt/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

This is Economics 305.

/ɪz/

You're in the wrong classroom.

/rɒŋ/ /ˈklæsruːm/

Yes, I was in the wrong classroom.

/wɒz/ /rɒŋ/ /ˈklæsruːm/

And thus began

/ænd/

the most humiliating seven minutes of my life.

/moʊst/ /ˈsɛvən/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Here's your think-about-it for the day.

/jʊr/ /fɔːr/ /deɪ/

Every single person in this room

/ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ruːm/

is already an architect.

/ɪz/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

Architect?

/ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

Hmm. Ooh.

"We're just hanging out."

/dʒʌst/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊt/

Just hanging out?

/dʒʌst/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊt/

Not good enough.

/ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Not good enough!

/ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Can anyone here tell me what this class is really all about?

/kæn/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /hɪr/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /wɒt/ /klæs/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/

Economics?

No. No, no. Don't laugh.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /læf/

He's not... he's not entirely wrong.

/rɒŋ/

An architect must be economical

/ˈɑːrkɪtekt/ /mʌst/ /biː/

in his use of space,

/hɪz/ /juːz/ /speɪs/

so, well done.

/wɛl/ /dʌn/

Looks like somone's building

/laɪk/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

towards an A, huh?

"We're seeing where things are going."

/wɛr/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

I'll tell you where things aren't going...

/tɛl/ /juː/ /wɛr/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

out of that bedroom.

/aʊt/ /ðæt/ /ˈbɛdruːm/

Not good enough.

/ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Not good enough!

/ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

You... Em...

/juː/

why do you want to be an architect?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

I don't want to be an architect.

/wɒnt/ /biː/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

Yes. Yes, exactly.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

It... it's not something

/ɪt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

you want to be.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /biː/

It's something you need to be.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /niːd/ /biː/

You don't have a choice, right?

/juː/ /hæv/ /tʃɔɪs/ /raɪt/

None of you has a choice.

/nʌn/ /juː/ /hæz/ /tʃɔɪs/

No questions!

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

"We're Barnman and Robin."

/ænd/

Oh, come on, you got to admit, that's kind of funny, Lily.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /ədˈmɪt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈfʌn.i/

Not good enough.

/ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Not good enough!

/ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

So if any of you

/ɪf/ /ˈɛn.i/ /juː/

have even the slightest inclination

/hæv/ /ˈiːvən/

to do anything with your life other than become an architect,

/duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ðæn/ /bɪˈkʌm/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

you're wasting my time and yours.

/maɪ/ /taɪm/ /ænd/ /jɔːrz/

There's the door.

/dɔːr/

You can go.

/juː/ /kæn/ /ɡoʊ/

I'm serious. Get out. Now.

/ˈsɪəriəs/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /naʊ/

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't... don't all leave!

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /ɔːl/ /liːv/

Architecture's fun! Look!

/fʌn/ /lʊk/

I brought a hacky sack!

Sorry, I'm late, everyone.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /leɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

My name is Professor Calzonetti.

/maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/ /prəˈfɛsər/

This is Economics 305.

/ɪz/

You may return to your seats.

/juː/ /meɪ/ /rɪˈtɜːrn/ /jʊr/

Uh, sorry, sir.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /sɜːr/

This is, uh, Architecture 101.

/ɪz/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

Who invited their dad, right?

/huː/ /ðɛr/ /dæd/ /raɪt/

Young man,

/jʌŋ/ /mæn/

for the last 28 years,

/fɔːr/ /læst/

Economics 305 has been taught right here

/hæz/ /tɔːt/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/

in building 14, room 7.

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ruːm/

Uh, yeah.

Buddy, I'm sure 200 architecture students

/ˈbʌdi/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/ /ˈstjuːdənts/

and their professor all got the room wrong.

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /prəˈfɛsər/ /ɔːl/ /ruːm/ /rɒŋ/

T-Dawg, you're in the wrong room, bro.

/rɒŋ/ /ruːm/ /broʊ/

Sorry. Coming through.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /θruː/

Excuse me. Whoa.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

20 minutes late on your first day?

/leɪt/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/

That's rough. Mm.

/rʌf/

Yeah, but here's the funny thing.

/bʌt/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /θɪŋ/

By that point, I didn't have time

/ðæt/ /pɔɪnt/ /hæv/ /taɪm/

to think about what kind of teacher I was going to be.

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈtiː.tʃər/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/

I just got up there and talked about architecture.

/dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

And it was kind of great.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /kaɪnd/ /ɡreɪt/

That's awesome, Ted. Yeah.

/ˈɔːsəm/

Congratulations, buddy.

/kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/ /ˈbʌdi/

Thanks.

Nice job, Ted.

/naɪs/ /dʒɒb/

Hey, Ted, door five!

/dɔːr/ /faɪv/

Were you there? Yeah, I got you, buddy.

/wɜːr/ /juː/ /ðɛr/ /juː/ /ˈbʌdi/

They still haven't had the talk, huh?

/ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /tɔːk/

I think I know how to speed things up.

/θɪŋk/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /θɪŋz/ /ʌp/

Oh, not cool!

/kuːl/

Pancakes, fresh bacon.

/ˈpænkeɪks/ /frɛʃ/

It is so yummy.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/

Uh, dude, I'm starving. Let's...

let's just have the stupid talk.

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /tɔːk/

Come on. Fine.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /faɪn/

But,

/bʌt/

how do these this even work?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /ðiːz/ /ˈiːvən/ /wɜːrk/

What do we say?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /wiː/ /seɪ/

Huh.

Where do you see this relationship going?

/wɛr/ /duː/ /juː/ /siː/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Oh, my God, that sounds so cheesy.

/maɪ/ /ðæt/

I know, right?

/noʊ/ /raɪt/

Totally. But, um,

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /bʌt/

where... where do you see this relationship going?

/wɛr/ /wɛr/ /duː/ /juː/ /siː/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

I mean,

/miːn/

it's not like I don't like you.

/laɪk/ /laɪk/ /juː/

I just haven't had a girlfriend for a long time.

/dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/

I hope that doesn't make you mad.

/hoʊp/ /ðæt/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /mæd/

Mad?

/mæd/

I feel the same way.

/fiːl/ /seɪm/ /weɪ/

I suck at relationships.

/rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪps/

I mean,

/miːn/

except with Ted.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /wɪð/

Man, he really got it right.

/mæn/ /hiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/

I know it's a cliche

/noʊ/

but he really ruined me for other men.

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /mɛn/

Of course, I wasn't in the room for this conversation,

/kɔːrs/ /ruːm/ /fɔːr/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

but I have to imagine Robin said something like that.

/bʌt/ /hæv/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /sɛd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Hmm. Hmm.

Maybe we should go back to being just friends.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /dʒʌst/ /frɛndz/

Maybe.

/ˈmeɪbi/

But, um,

/bʌt/

I don't want to stop having sex.

/wɒnt/ /stɒp/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /sɛks/

Oh, good. Me, neither.

/ɡʊd/ /miː/

Yeah. Friends isn't gonna work.

/frɛndz/ /wɜːrk/

Nope. Oh, we're not good at being friends.

/ɡʊd/ /frɛndz/

We're not good at being in a relationship.

/ɡʊd/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

What are we good at?

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /ɡʊd/

I know something we're good at.

/noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/

I don't know. If we're gonna do it again,

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/

I'm gonna need some Gatorade, or...

/niːd/ /sʌm/

No! No, t that.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

Lying. Okay, think about it.

/ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

We spent the whole summer lying about being just friends.

/wiː/ /hoʊl/ /ˈsʌmər/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /dʒʌst/ /frɛndz/

Why not just keep lying?

/waɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /kiːp/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/

Really? Yeah.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Really. We sat down. We had the talk.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wiː/ /sæt/ /daʊn/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /tɔːk/

Barney's my boyfriend now.

/maɪ/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /naʊ/

And Robin's my girlfriend.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

I know it sounds nuts, but it feels good to say.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /nʌts/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /fiːlz/ /ɡʊd/ /seɪ/

We're both afraid of commitment, but, the fact is,

/boʊθ/ /əˈfreɪd/ /bʌt/ /fækt/ /ɪz/

we also can't live without each other.

/wiː/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /lɪv/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

And if the alternative is not being together,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /ɪz/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

then it's worth taking this risk 'cause...

/ðɛn/ /wɜːrθ/ /rɪsk/ /kɔːz/