Season 5 · Tập 23

Kids, when you're in your 20s, dating is great.

/kɪdz/ /wɛn/ /jʊr/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/

But by the time you reach your 30s, you find out pretty fast everyone has baggage.

/bʌt/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /riːtʃ/ /jʊr/ /juː/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/ /ˈprɪti/ /fæst/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /hæz/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/

Sure you can stick to the small talk, and pretend it's not there,

/ʃʊr/ /juː/ /kæn/ /stɪk/ /smɔːl/ /tɔːk/ /ænd/ /ðɛr/

but sooner or later...

/bʌt/ /ˈleɪtər/

It's my ex. Sorry, we're trying to remain friends.

/maɪ/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /frɛndz/

Hi, pumpkin. Did you get our tickets to Maui?

/ˈpʌmpkɪn/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊər/ /ˈtɪkɪts/

Yeah, it's there.

/ðɛr/

That spring, I had just started dating a girl named Royce.

/ðæt/ /sprɪŋ/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /neɪmd/

She was smart, beautiful...

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /smɑːrt/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

Blah, blah, blah, we're very happy together.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈhæp.i/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

- But... - Exactly. That's the problem.

/bʌt/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Her butt?

/hɜːr/ /bʌt/

What is it, too much?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /mʌtʃ/

Too little?

/ˈlɪt.əl/

Or is it an issue of access?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈɪʃuː/

No. The but is, there's always gonna be a but.

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/ /bʌt/

No matter how great things are going, sooner or later, it's gonna get ruined.

/noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /haʊ/ /ɡreɪt/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈleɪtər/ /ɡɛt/

When she turns 30.

/wɛn/ /ʃiː/

When I find out what her baggage is.

/wɛn/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/ /wɒt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ɪz/

It's there. I don't know what it is,

/ðɛr/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

but when I do, party's over.

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /duː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Whoa! Ted, please tell me you are not impugning emotional baggage.

/pliːz/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /juː/ /ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/

Baggage is a good thing?

/ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ɪz/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/

Emotional baggage is the bedrock of

/ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ɪz/

America's most important cultural export.

/moʊst/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

- Porn. - Porn. Phim heo

Actually, it's porn.

/ˈæktʃuəli/

Only women with major baggage go into porn.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /wɪð/ /ˈmeɪdʒər/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ɡoʊ/

- Major baggage. - Major baggage.

/ˈmeɪdʒər/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ˈmeɪdʒər/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/

Ted, everyone has baggage, you just gotta look past it.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /hæz/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /lʊk/ /pæst/ /ɪt/

Really? 'Cause the last time I looked past a girl's baggage,

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /kɔːz/ /læst/ /taɪm/ /pæst/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/

that baggage belonged to a girl named Stella, and...

/ðæt/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /neɪmd/ /ænd/

Oh, I'm drawing a blank here.

/ˈdrɔːɪŋ/ /hɪr/

How did that work out again?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrk/ /aʊt/ /əˈɡɛn/

Here's how it worked out.

/haʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrkt/ /aʊt/

I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We were happy.

/hɜːr/ /ˈmæri/ /miː/ /ʃiː/ /sɛd/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈhæp.i/

But then the day of the wedding, her karate instructor ex-boyfriend,

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /deɪ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /ɪnˈstrʌktər/

Tony Grafanello, showed up, declared his love for her,

/ʌp/ /hɪz/ /lʌv/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/

and Stella ran off with him to California,

/ænd/ /ræn/ /ɒf/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

leaving me utterly and completely heartbroken.

/miː/ /ænd/ /kəmˈpliːtli/

Ted, look, what happened with Stella was awful.

/lʊk/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /wɪð/ /wɒz/

But that doesn't mean anyone with baggage is undateable.

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /miːn/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /wɪð/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ɪz/

Well, I'm just glad that we met young enough that I don't have any baggage.

/wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡlæd/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /jʌŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/

- Mother issues. - I do not.

/ˈmʌð.ər/ /duː/

- Grandmother issues. - Definitely do not.

/ˈɡrændmʌðər/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /duː/

- Great-grandmother issues. - I just don't like it when she picks me up.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ɪt/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /miː/ /ʌp/

And you know what your biggest baggage is? You're too nice.

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /jʊr/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ɪz/ /naɪs/

How is being nice baggage?

/haʊ/ /ɪz/ /naɪs/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/

Have you ever seen you walk down the street?

/hæv/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /juː/ /wɔːk/ /daʊn/ /striːt/

I don't even know how to answer that.

/ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ˈæn.sər/ /ðæt/

Well, let me help you out.

/wɛl/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /hɛlp/ /juː/ /aʊt/

Suzanne. Hey, Deng. Let me help you with that.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /hɛlp/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

That ought to do it.

/ðæt/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Oh, guys, no. I could not today.

/ɡaɪz/ /noʊ/ /kʊd/ /təˈdeɪ/

It would just be...

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/

That's normal.

/ˈnɔːrməl/

There is only one street where that is normal.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /striːt/ /wɛr/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈnɔːrməl/

Here's a hint, a giant yellow bird lives on it.

/ˈjɛloʊ/ /bɜːrd/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Well, I'll be pretty happy if Royce's only baggage is that she's too nice.

/wɛl/ /biː/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈhæp.i/ /ɪf/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /naɪs/

Too nice? That is the worst kind of baggage.

/naɪs/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrst/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/

Best baggage, hates her dad, and thinks she's fat but isn't.

/bɛst/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /heɪts/ /hɜːr/ /dæd/ /ænd/ /fæt/ /bʌt/

Angry sex on the first date, and then as soon as you mention breakfast, she's gone.

/ˈæŋɡri/ /sɛks/ /ɒn/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪt/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /suːn/ /juː/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /ɡɔːn/

Why do you guys hang out with me?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /miː/

That night, on my date with Royce,

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/

I kept waiting to see what her baggage would be.

/siː/ /wɒt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /wʊd/ /biː/

So is spaghetti your specialty?

/ɪz/ /jʊr/

No. The main event is my pancakes.

/noʊ/ /ɪˈvɛnt/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈpænkeɪks/

I'll make them for you sometime. They are insane.

/meɪk/ /ðɛm/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ðeɪ/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

My dad used to make multi-grain pancakes.

/maɪ/ /dæd/ /meɪk/ /ˈpænkeɪks/

He's the one who got me working in porn.

/huː/ /miː/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/

You know PORN, Parents Offering Recreation and Nutrition.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /ænd/

It's a charity for inner-city teens who don't

/fɔːr/ /huː/

have access to sports or healthy food.

/hæv/ /spɔːrts/ /ˈhɛlθi/ /fuːd/

That reminds me, I killed my brother

/ðæt/ /miː/ /kɪld/ /maɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

with this joke I told him last night.

/wɪð/ /dʒoʊk/ /toʊld/ /hɪm/ /læst/ /naɪt/

A barber, a stripper and a Jew...

/ænd/

...Iliard-trained violinist, walked into a bar.

/bɑːr/

I looked and looked and looked,

/ænd/ /ænd/

but it really appeared as though there was no baggage to worry about.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ðoʊ/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/

Until we went to go see a movie.

/ənˈtɪl/ /wiː/ /wɛnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /siː/ /ˈmuːvi/

Hey, what took you guys so long?

/wɒt/ /tʊk/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /lɔːŋ/

Nothing. Forget about it.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

We were on our way here,

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ɒn/ /aʊər/ /weɪ/ /hɪr/

and Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load their moving van.

/ænd/ /stɒp/ /ænd/ /hɛlp/ /sʌm/ /ɡaɪz/ /ðɛr/ /væn/

To be nice. Didn't cost nothing.

/biː/ /naɪs/ /kɒst/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

And when the moving van drove away, who should show up

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /væn/ /əˈweɪ/ /huː/ /ʃʊd/ /ʃoʊ/ /ʌp/

but the owner of the apartment we had just helped some guys rob.

/bʌt/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /hɛlpt/ /sʌm/ /ɡaɪz/

And that one was hard to explain to the police.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /hɑːrd/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/

See, Marshall, this is what I mean.

/siː/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /miːn/

You can't treat New York City like it's the small, friendly, crime-free, inbred,

/juː/ /triːt/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /laɪk/ /smɔːl/ /ˈfrɛndli/

backwoods, Podunk, cow-tipping Minnesota hickville where you grew up.

/wɛr/ /juː/ /ʌp/

Crime-free? Crime-free?

In 1994, the cashier from the feed store was held up at hoe-point.

/fiːd/ /stɔːr/ /wɒz/ /ʌp/

And besides,

/ænd/

I like being friendly, okay?

/laɪk/ /ˈfrɛndli/

I'm not gonna change that about myself.

/tʃeɪndʒ/ /ðæt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

No, don't change, baby. I think it's sweet.

/noʊ/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /θɪŋk/ /swiːt/

Sweet, sweet, sweet mother of God. He's an idiot sometimes.

/swiːt/ /swiːt/ /swiːt/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /ˈɪdiət/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/

He actually lent the burglars gas money.

/hiː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈmʌn.i/

He gave them money?

/hiː/ /ɡeɪv/ /ðɛm/ /ˈmʌn.i/

Not gave, lent.

/ɡeɪv/

They said that they would send us a check,

/ðeɪ/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/ /ðeɪ/ /wʊd/ /sɛnd/ /ʌs/ /tʃɛk/

so Marshall gave them our address.

/ɡeɪv/ /ðɛm/ /aʊər/

What's to stop them from coming to our apartment one night,

/stɒp/ /ðɛm/ /aʊər/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /naɪt/

and maybe tying me up?

/ænd/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /miː/ /ʌp/

I mean, sure, Marshall and I like to pretend, but the reality is scary.

/miːn/ /ʃʊr/ /ænd/ /laɪk/ /bʌt/ /ɪz/ /ˈskɛri/

Why don't you say something to him?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /hɪm/

What's the point? He's from Minnesota.

/pɔɪnt/

His high school mascot was a hug.

/hɪz/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/ /wɒz/ /hʌɡ/

- Hey, guys. - Hey, how'd the date with Royce go?

/ɡaɪz/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/ /ɡoʊ/

It was interesting. We went to see that new movie, The Wedding Bride.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/ /wiː/ /wɛnt/ /siː/ /ðæt/ /njuː/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/

Oh! How was it?

/haʊ/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/

Not that I care. I mean, it's a chick flick.

/ðæt/ /kɛr/ /miːn/ /tʃɪk/

This one will probably drag me to it, like the 7:10 show tomorrow night,

/wɪl/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /miː/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ʃoʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/

or 9:40 because I have that meeting, but I can probably get out of it,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /hæv/ /ðæt/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /kæn/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/

so let's try for the 7:10.

/traɪ/ /fɔːr/

- What's that movie about, anyway? - That's the interesting part.

/ðæt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɛniweɪ/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/ /pɑːrt/

Hey, bonehead! I'm Jed Mosley.

I'm the most powerful

/moʊst/ /ˈpaʊərfəl/

and corrupt architect in New York.

/ænd/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

I... That's gonna leave a mark!

/liːv/ /mɑːrk/

It's about me.

/əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

- The Wedding Bride is about you? - Yeah.

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

Okay, are you sure it's about you? Because when I saw Spaceballs

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɛn/ /sɔː/

- for the first time, I could've sworn... - This movie is about me, Marshall.

/fɔːr/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

It was written by Tony Grafanello.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

Tony Grafanello? That's...

Yeah, the guy that Stella left me for.

/ɡaɪ/ /ðæt/ /lɛft/ /miː/ /fɔːr/

This movie is the whole story of our breakup.

/ˈmuːvi/ /ɪz/ /hoʊl/ /ˈstɔːri/ /aʊər/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

Why would he write a movie about that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /hiː/ /raɪt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

Isn't he the bad guy in that story?

/hiː/ /bæd/ /ɡaɪ/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/

Yeah, and the good guy is a guy named Ted Mosby.

/ænd/ /ɡʊd/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɪz/ /ɡaɪ/ /neɪmd/

Funny, that was my memory of it, too.

/ˈfʌn.i/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /maɪ/ /ˈmɛməri/ /ɪt/

But, according to the movie...

/bʌt/ /ˈmuːvi/

Mr. Mosley, your fiancée is here.

/jʊr/ /ɪz/ /hɪr/

Great. The old ball and chain.

/ɡreɪt/ /oʊld/ /bɔːl/ /ænd/

I can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey

/weɪt/ /meɪk/ /hɜːr/ /muːv/ /aʊt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /haʊs/ /njuː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/

and come live with me in an apartment above a bar. Send her in.

/ænd/ /kʌm/ /lɪv/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /bɑːr/ /sɛnd/ /hɜːr/

Ah, Stella. To what do I owe the pleasure?

/wɒt/ /duː/

We're supposed to taste wedding cakes this afternoon, remember?

/səˈpoʊzd/ /teɪst/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ˌæftərˈnuːn/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.

- Well, I am stunned. - Right.

/wɛl/ /raɪt/

That's what passes for comedy these days?

/wɒt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkɒmədi/ /ðiːz/

Whoa! "I'm falling back in my chair."

/bæk/ /maɪ/ /tʃɛr/

- I'm really falling back in my chair. - Baby.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bæk/ /maɪ/ /tʃɛr/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Okay, that was pretty funny.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈfʌn.i/

What a jerk.

/wɒt/ /dʒɜːrk/

Did he at least get someone hot to play me?

/dɪd/ /hiː/ /liːst/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /hɒt/ /pleɪ/ /miː/

- You're not in it. - What a jerk.

/ɪt/ /wɒt/ /dʒɜːrk/

No, no, no, no, no. Tony's not a jerk, not according to the movie, anyway.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /dʒɜːrk/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

I'm going through with this wedding. I'm sorry, Tony.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /wɪð/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Stella, your happiness is the only thing I care about,

/jʊr/ /ɪz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/ /kɛr/ /əˈbaʊt/

except for these underprivileged children that I work with for free.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /fɔːr/ /ðiːz/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrk/ /wɪð/ /fɔːr/ /friː/

I love him.

/lʌv/ /hɪm/

It's not that easy, Tony.

/ðæt/ /ˈiː.zi/

Jed Mosley may not be as handsome as you are, or as tall as you are...

/meɪ/ /biː/ /juː/ /tɔːl/ /juː/

I'm taller than that guy.

/ðæn/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

...and our sex life is terrible.

/ænd/ /aʊər/ /sɛks/ /laɪf/ /ɪz/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/

Once he even fell asleep

/wʌns/ /hiː/ /ˈiːvən/ /əˈsliːp/

while we were doing it. I mean...

/waɪl/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ɪt/ /miːn/

It was one time. I was on cold medicine.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /koʊld/ /ˈmɛdsɪn/

- What? - Nothing.

/wɒt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

This is a terrible movie! And it got everything wrong.

/ɪz/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /rɒŋ/

Remember how I proposed to Stella?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /haʊ/

That spontaneous moment in the arcade.

/ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

I didn't have a ring, so I gave her a toy I won from a crane machine?

/hæv/ /rɪŋ/ /ɡeɪv/ /hɜːr/ /wʌn/ /məˈʃiːn/

- Oh, that was so sweet. - So romantic.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /swiːt/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

A little cheesy.

/ˈlɪt.əl/

Well, here's how it went in the movie.

/wɛl/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɛnt/ /ˈmuːvi/

Look, if it'll shut you up,

/lʊk/ /ɪf/ /ʃʌt/ /juː/ /ʌp/

I guess we can get married.

/ɡɛs/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

Well, aren't you gonna give me a ring?

/wɛl/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /rɪŋ/

No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.

- Here. Put this on your finger. - Hey!

/hɪr/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/

And remember the two-minute date?

/ænd/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /deɪt/

When I squeezed an entire romantic evening

/wɛn/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/ /ˈiːvnɪŋ/

into just two minutes to accommodate Stella 's busy schedule?

/dʒʌst/ /tuː/ /ˈbɪzi/ /ˈskɛdʒuːl/

- Oh, Ted, you're such a good guy. - That was really nice.

/sʌtʃ/ /ɡʊd/ /ɡaɪ/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /naɪs/

Also, a little cheesy.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Well, according to the movie...

/wɛl/ /ˈmuːvi/

What about our big romantic weekend?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/ /bɪɡ/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.

Alls I got time for is a two-minute date,

/taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /ɪz/ /deɪt/

if you know what I mean. Sex.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /miːn/ /sɛks/

Hey, if you know what you're doing, two minutes is all you need.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /tuː/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /niːd/

Run tell dat.

/rʌn/ /tɛl/

But the worst, the worst, was the ending.

/bʌt/ /wɜːrst/ /wɜːrst/ /wɒz/

So they're at the wedding...

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley to be

/duː/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /biː/

your lawfully-wedded husband?

/jʊr/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

- I... - Whoa! Spoilers!

Is what I would say if I ever

/ɪz/ /wɒt/ /wʊd/ /seɪ/ /ɪf/ /ˈɛv.ər/

plan on seeing such an awful film.

/plæn/ /ɒn/ /sʌtʃ/ /fɪlm/

Continue.

/kənˈtɪnjuː/

So they're at the wedding.

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Something I need to say.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /niːd/ /seɪ/

A long time ago, I let this beautiful girl

/lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /lɛt/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ɡɜːrl/

named Stella get away.

/neɪmd/ /ɡɛt/ /əˈweɪ/

And now she's with some jerk

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /wɪð/ /sʌm/ /dʒɜːrk/

who doesn't appreciate what he has in this beautiful, wedding bride.

/huː/ /əˈpriːʃieɪt/ /wɒt/ /hiː/ /hæz/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/

What is wrong with you people?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

You can't talk to me like that. I'm Ted Mosley!

/juː/ /tɔːk/ /miː/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Did he say Ted that time?

/dɪd/ /hiː/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

Stella, I promised to make you my wife.

/meɪk/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/

And I'd like to live up to that promise.

/ænd/ /laɪk/ /lɪv/ /ʌp/ /ðæt/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/

Oh, Tony, all I've wanted all my life was your love.

/ɔːl/ /ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/ /lʌv/

Oh, go on, honey. Kiss him.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /ˈhʌni/ /kɪs/ /hɪm/

Stella, if you still truly love me,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈtruːli/ /lʌv/ /miː/

can you let me make you my wedding bride?

/kæn/ /juː/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/

Can-do's-ville, babydoll.

No! No! No! Stop doing that!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /stɒp/ /ðæt/

Take that, Ted Mosby.

/teɪk/ /ðæt/

Okay, he definitely said it that time.

/hiː/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /sɛd/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

Oh, my God. That was so good! I'm laughing. I'm crying.

/maɪ/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/

I know it's all fake, but didn't those seem like real characters?

/noʊ/ /ɔːl/ /feɪk/ /bʌt/ /ðoʊz/ /siːm/ /laɪk/ /riːl/

It was just so real.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /riːl/

Hey, how come you said "oh, no" when the movie started?

/haʊ/ /kʌm/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /noʊ/ /wɛn/ /ˈmuːvi/

That's when I realized everyone has baggage, including me.

/wɛn/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /hæz/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /miː/

Oh, uh, no reason.

/noʊ/ /ˈriːzən/

Ted, I think you need to tell Royce the story of what happened with you and Stella.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /niːd/ /tɛl/ /ˈstɔːri/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ænd/

It's gonna come out eventually.

/kʌm/ /aʊt/

Why? Why does it even have to?

/waɪ/ /waɪ/ /dʌz/ /ɪt/ /ˈiːvən/ /hæv/

Well, for starters, it's now the fifth highest-grossing movie of all time.

/wɛl/ /fɔːr/ /naʊ/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

I don't care. I don't care. I'm taking this to the grave.

/kɛr/ /kɛr/

It's a stupid movie, anyway.

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

Sounds terrible.

/ˈtɛrɪbl/

My gosh, I would never go and see that film.

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/ /wʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡoʊ/ /ænd/ /siː/ /ðæt/ /fɪlm/

Kids, you know where this is going.

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Well, she's made her choice.

/wɛl/ /hɜːr/ /tʃɔɪs/

Don't worry. I won't go to the wedding.

/ˈwʌri/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Oh, you'll go all right.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

I'm gonna drive you there myself and make you watch.

/draɪv/ /juː/ /ðɛr/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /ænd/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /wɒtʃ/

Billy, no! The code.

/noʊ/ /koʊd/

This is exactly how it happened.

/ɪz/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/ /ˈhæpənd/

He got every part right.

/hiː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /pɑːrt/ /raɪt/

Even that thing with the nunchucks.

/ˈiːvən/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋ/ /wɪð/

So I was resolved to put The Wedding Bride

/wɒz/ /pʊt/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/

as far behind me as possible. Unfortunately...

/fɑːr/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /miː/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

Oh! How great was The Wedding Bride?

/haʊ/ /ɡreɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/

- Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! - We're going to see it again tomorrow.

/lʌvd/ /ɪt/ /lʌvd/ /ɪt/ /lʌvd/ /ɪt/ /lʌvd/ /ɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /siː/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Ooh! Can we come? Ted, you wanna see it again, right?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /kʌm/ /juː/ /siː/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /raɪt/

Yeah. It was good.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/

"Good"? Try instant classic.

/ɡʊd/ /traɪ/ /ˈklæsɪk/

The only thing wrong with it,

/ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

and I mean, it's such a minor flaw in an otherwise flawless film,

/ænd/ /miːn/ /sʌtʃ/ /fɪlm/

is I just didn't get why Stella would even

/ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /waɪ/ /wʊd/ /ˈiːvən/

wanna marry a guy like Jed Mosley

/ˈmæri/ /ɡaɪ/ /laɪk/

in the first place. I mean, even that guy's name, Jed Mosley.

/fɜːrst/ /pleɪs/ /miːn/ /ˈiːvən/ /ðæt/ /neɪm/

Come on, Royce. You've dated a few Jed Mosleys in your day.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/ /fjuː/ /jʊr/ /deɪ/

Well, okay. But who hasn't?

/wɛl/ /bʌt/ /huː/

He's such a type. The butterfly tattoo,

/sʌtʃ/ /taɪp/

the way he pronounces encyclopedia.

/weɪ/ /hiː/

- Encyclopaedia. - Encyclopaedia. "encyclo-pay-dia"

Totally. Totally. All right, well, technically, that is the correct...

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /wɛl/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /kəˈrɛkt/

I was so, so happy when that loser got left at the altar, and you know why?

/wɒz/ /ˈhæp.i/ /wɛn/ /ðæt/ /lɛft/ /ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/

- Because he had it coming. - Mmm-hmm.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /ɪt/

And the great part is he is gonna live

/ænd/ /ɡreɪt/ /pɑːrt/ /ɪz/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /lɪv/

a long, sad life, knowing that he lost his only chance at happiness.

/lɔːŋ/ /sæd/ /laɪf/ /ðæt/ /hiː/ /lɒst/ /hɪz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /tʃæns/

Oh! What about when he got beat up by the goat?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɛn/ /hiː/ /biːt/ /ʌp/ /ɡoʊt/

So funny. What a loser.

/ˈfʌn.i/ /wɒt/

Totally! I mean, the guy's life was

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /miːn/ /laɪf/ /wɒz/

shattered in a very public humiliation.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈpʌblɪk/

What a hoot!

/wɒt/

And it may be years before he can look certain family members in the eye again.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /meɪ/ /biː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /hiː/ /kæn/ /lʊk/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /aɪ/ /əˈɡɛn/

He may be so emotionally traumatized

/hiː/ /meɪ/ /biː/

he never fully loves or trusts anyone ever again.

/hiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /lʌvz/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /əˈɡɛn/

That's hysterical. Move over, Adolf Hitler. There's a new king of comedy.

/muːv/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /njuː/ /kɪŋ/ /ˈkɒmədi/

Ted, are you okay?

/juː/

Yeah. I just think you all might be interested to learn something about

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /ˈɪntrəstɪd/ /lɜːrn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

that movie y'all love so much.

/ðæt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /lʌv/ /mʌtʃ/

It sucks. And you're all stupid for liking it.

/ɪt/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

Wow. That was really mean. I think you owe us an apology.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /miːn/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /ʌs/

No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.

No-can-do's-ville.

You said, "No-can-do's-ville, babydoll"?

/juː/ /sɛd/

You actually used Jed Mosley's catchphrase?

/juː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/

I know. I was just so upset that...

/noʊ/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌpˈsɛt/ /ðæt/

How do you know that's his catchphrase?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /hɪz/

- I wanted to see A vatar again. - All right, that's it.

/siː/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɪt/

I'm just gonna move to some country where no one's seen The Wedding Bride.

/dʒʌst/ /muːv/ /sʌm/ /ˈkʌn.tri/ /wɛr/ /noʊ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/

Good luck, Ted. That movie is worldwide. It's huge.

/ɡʊd/ /lʌk/ /ðæt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ɪz/ /hjuːdʒ/

- Maybe North Korea. - Nope.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /nɔːrθ/

I read that Kim Jong II said it was his second favorite movie of all time.

/riːd/ /ðæt/ /sɛd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /hɪz/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Right behind a movie of him riding a horse in slow motion through a field of turnips.

/raɪt/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /ˈmuːvi/ /hɪm/ /hɔːrs/ /sloʊ/ /ˈmoʊʃən/ /θruː/ /fiːld/

Sorry, Ted. You're screwed.

/ˈsɒr.i/

No. You know what? No, Ted is not screwed.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /noʊ/ /ɪz/

All right, do you guys wanna know why I'm nice to everyone?

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /naɪs/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

It's because I don't care about baggage.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /kɛr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/

I mean, most people, they see another person walking down the street

/miːn/ /moʊst/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ðeɪ/ /siː/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /daʊn/ /striːt/

with that big heavy bag they're carrying, and they just walk on by.

/wɪð/ /ðæt/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈhɛvi/ /bæɡ/ /ænd/ /ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /wɔːk/ /ɒn/

But not me. I look at them, and I say...

/bʌt/ /miː/ /lʊk/ /ðɛm/ /ænd/ /seɪ/

I say, "Howdy, stranger. Can I give you a hand with that?"

/seɪ/ /kæn/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /hænd/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

And you know who taught me to be that way? A guy called Ted Mosby.

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /huː/ /tɔːt/ /miː/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/ /ɡaɪ/

A guy who's uncynical and sincere

/ɡaɪ/ /ænd/

and believed in things. And you know what, Ted?

/ænd/ /θɪŋz/ /ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I believe that deep down, you're still that guy.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ðæt/ /diːp/ /daʊn/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

I am still that guy.

/ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

I think you wanna go out there and get that girl.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/

I do wanna go out there and get that girl.

/duː/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/

- Because she's the love of your life! - Because she's...

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /lʌv/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

Well, okay, let's... We're three dates in. She seems nice.

/wɛl/ /θriː/ /deɪts/ /ʃiː/ /naɪs/

- Because she seems nice! - She does seem nice!

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ʃiː/ /naɪs/ /ʃiː/ /dʌz/ /siːm/ /naɪs/

You're right, Marshall. I gotta go get her.

/raɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/

And I know exactly where she is.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɛr/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/

The wedding's in 15 minutes.

I'll never make it.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/

You can do it, sensei. Go give love

/juː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡɪv/ /lʌv/

a roundhouse kick right in the heart.

/kɪk/ /raɪt/ /hɑːrt/

You're right. What am I doing?

/raɪt/ /wɒt/

There's still time.

/taɪm/

Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley

/duː/ /juː/ /teɪk/

to be your lawfully-wedded husband?

/biː/ /jʊr/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

Something I need to say.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /niːd/ /seɪ/

Look, there's something I need to say.

/lʊk/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /niːd/ /seɪ/

- A long time ago... - A long time ago,

/lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/ /əˈɡoʊ/

- I let a horrible girl named Stella... ...I let this beautiful girl named Stella...

/lɛt/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/ /ɡɜːrl/ /neɪmd/ /lɛt/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ɡɜːrl/ /neɪmd/

...break my heart. ...get away.

/breɪk/ /maɪ/ /hɑːrt/ /ɡɛt/ /əˈweɪ/

- And now she's with some jerk... - And now she's with this jerk

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /wɪð/ /sʌm/ /dʒɜːrk/ /ænd/ /naʊ/ /wɪð/ /dʒɜːrk/

- who wrote a movie about it and... ...who doesn't appreciate what he has

/huː/ /roʊt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /huː/ /əˈpriːʃieɪt/ /wɒt/ /hiː/ /hæz/

- in this beautiful, wedding bride. ...that movie is called The Wedding Bride. The Wedding Bride.

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/ /ðæt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ɪz/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/

- What are you saying? - You can't talk to me like that.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /juː/ /tɔːk/ /miː/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

- I'm Jed Mosley!

I'm Jed Mosley. But, Royce...

/bʌt/

...this doofus in the red cowboy boots, this isn't me.

/rɛd/ /miː/

So, just to be clear,

/dʒʌst/ /biː/ /klɪər/

are you saying that you don't have a pair of red cowboy boots in your closet?

/juː/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /rɛd/ /jʊr/

Barney, what...

/wɒt/

Well, I just wanted... I mean, that's... Everyone wants to know.

/wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /miːn/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /noʊ/

They're actually more of a burgundy.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /mɔːr/

- I promised to make you my wife. ...I promised to make you some pancakes.

/meɪk/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /sʌm/ /ˈpænkeɪks/

- Tony, all I've wanted all my life... - Ted, all I've wanted all week...

/ɔːl/ /ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /ɔːl/ /ɔːl/ /wiːk/

...was your love. ...was some pancakes.

/wɒz/ /jʊr/ /lʌv/ /wɒz/ /sʌm/ /ˈpænkeɪks/

- Go on, honey. Kiss him. - Go on, honey. Kiss him.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /ˈhʌni/ /kɪs/ /hɪm/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /ˈhʌni/ /kɪs/ /hɪm/

Um, Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss."

/ˈʌŋkəl/ /seɪ/ /kɪs/

Still not saying "kiss."

/kɪs/

Sir, you need to leave, now!

/sɜːr/ /juː/ /niːd/ /liːv/ /naʊ/

This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?

/ɪz/ /huː/ /kɪs/ /juː/

- Stella, if you still truly love me... - Royce, if you still kind of like me...

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈtruːli/ /lʌv/ /miː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /kaɪnd/ /laɪk/ /miː/

...can you let me make you my wedding bride?

/kæn/ /juː/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/

...can you let me make you some pancakes?

/kæn/ /juː/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /sʌm/ /ˈpænkeɪks/

- Can-do's-ville, babydoll. - Can-do's-ville, babydoll.

No! No! No! Stop doing that!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /stɒp/ /ðæt/

- Kiss this. Kissing movie's over, anyway. - Sir!

/kɪs/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈɛniweɪ/ /sɜːr/

that stuff that happened to me,

/ðæt/ /stʌf/ /ðæt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /miː/

it was pretty rough. I'm still getting over it.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɪti/ /rʌf/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ɪt/

Let me help you with that.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /hɛlp/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

And just like that, kids,

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /kɪdz/

my baggage didn't seem quite so heavy anymore.

/maɪ/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /siːm/ /kwaɪt/ /ˈhɛvi/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

You see, everyone's got some baggage. It's part of life.

/juː/ /siː/ /sʌm/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/ /pɑːrt/ /laɪf/

But like anything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it.

/bʌt/ /laɪk/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɛls/ /wɛn/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɡɪvz/ /juː/ /hænd/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

Wow, it feels so good to have told you all that stuff about me.

/ɪt/ /fiːlz/ /ɡʊd/ /hæv/ /toʊld/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

I'm really glad I can open up to you.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡlæd/ /kæn/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /ʌp/ /juː/

Ted, it's not that big of a deal.

/ðæt/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/

Heck, I've been left at the altar.

/lɛft/

Three times.

/θriː/ /taɪmz/

The last time was because I blew all our money on online poker.

/læst/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɔːl/ /aʊər/ /ˈmʌn.i/ /ɒn/ /ˈɒnlaɪn/

That's why I live with my brother now.

/waɪ/ /lɪv/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /naʊ/

Wait, I thought you said you had a tiny studio apartment.

/weɪt/ /θɔːt/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /hæd/ /ˈtaɪni/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Yup, just the two of us. You should see how he hogs the covers.

/dʒʌst/ /tuː/ /ʌs/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /siː/ /haʊ/ /hiː/

Yeah, you gotta go.

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/