Season 5 · Tập 22

Guess what I've got behind my back.

/ɡɛs/ /wɒt/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /maɪ/ /bæk/

Wait, wait, wait, I got this one. Left.

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /lɛft/

Wrong game. But correct.

/rɒŋ/ /ɡeɪm/ /bʌt/ /kəˈrɛkt/

Five front-row tickets to Robots vs. Wrestlers.

/faɪv/ /ˈtɪkɪts/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Robots vs. Wrestlers?

/ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

That is awesome!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers?

/hɜːrd/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Never. But we assume it's some sort of sporting event

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /bʌt/ /wiː/ /sʌm/ /sɔːrt/ /ɪˈvɛnt/

That pits robots against wrestlers!

/ðæt/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /ˈrɛslərz/

That's exactly what it is,

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

According to the Web site!

/wɛb/ /saɪt/

(excited shouting)

/ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Khoan

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/

Who's the fifth ticket for?

/ˈtɪkɪt/ /fɔːr/

Uh... Robin. Robin.

I know--

/noʊ/

She moved in with her boyfriend

/ʃiː/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

And said she doesn't want to hang out with us anymore,

/ænd/ /sɛd/ /ʃiː/ /wɒnt/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

But this is Robots vs. Wrestlers.

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Robots... Robots...

/ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈroʊbɒts/

Vs. Wrestlers!

/ˈrɛslərz/

Barney is right.

/ɪz/ /raɪt/

It's impossible to say no to that.

/ɪmˈpɒsɪbl/ /seɪ/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

No to that.

/noʊ/ /ðæt/

I wish I could, but I

/wɪʃ/ /kʊd/ /bʌt/

Have plans with don on Saturday.

/hæv/ /wɪð/ /ɒn/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/

He's making me Chinese.

/miː/

I'll assume you're talking about food,

/əˈbaʊt/ /fuːd/

Otherwise, I have some follow-up questions.

/hæv/ /sʌm/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Oh, I'm sorry, Lily,

/ˈsɒr.i/

But I got to give this thing with don a chance.

/bʌt/ /ɡɪv/ /θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /tʃæns/

And I can't do that if I'm out drinking with you guys

/ænd/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /ɪf/ /aʊt/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Every single night-- especially when "you guys"

/ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /naɪt/ /ɪˈspɛʃəli/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Includes two of my ex-boyfriends.

/tuː/ /maɪ/

I understand. You're right.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /raɪt/

It's just we all really miss you.

/dʒʌst/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /mɪs/ /juː/

Aw, I miss you, too.

/mɪs/ /juː/

Oh, listen, I got to go. Talk soon?

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /ɡoʊ/ /tɔːk/ /suːn/

Okay, bye.

/baɪ/

Sorry, New York, I had to take that.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /hæd/ /teɪk/ /ðæt/

Now, where were we?

/naʊ/ /wɛr/ /wɜːr/ /wiː/

Yeah. Yes. Bus crash.

/bʌs/

She said no?

/ʃiː/ /sɛd/ /noʊ/

How could she say no?

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /ʃiː/ /seɪ/ /noʊ/

Robots vs. Wrestlers is our most important tradition

/ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/ /ɪz/ /aʊər/ /moʊst/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /trəˈdɪʃən/

As a group.

/ɡruːp/

Tradition? We've never done this before?

/trəˈdɪʃən/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /dʌn/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily.

/ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

How is that not gonna be a tradition?

/haʊ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /biː/ /trəˈdɪʃən/

Barney: Well...

/wɛl/

This is how it starts.

/ɪz/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/

(voice quivering): First Robin moves in with don,

/vɔɪs/ /fɜːrst/ /wɪð/

Then Marshall and Lily have a baby,

/ðɛn/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Then Ted...

/ðɛn/

Gets married?

/ɡɛts/ /ˈmærid/

I was gonna say, "is found alone

/wɒz/ /seɪ/ /ɪz/ /əˈloʊn/

In his apartment devoured by his cats,"

/hɪz/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /hɪz/

But either way, not pretty.

/bʌt/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /weɪ/ /ˈprɪti/

Everyone's

Leaving me, and I don't like it!

/miː/ /ænd/ /laɪk/ /ɪt/

Oh, Barney, you don't have to worry

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈwʌri/

About Marshall and me having kids.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ænd/ /miː/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /kɪdz/

That's a long way down the road.

/lɔːŋ/ /weɪ/ /daʊn/ /roʊd/

Exactly-- it's, uh, down the road,

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /daʊn/ /roʊd/

A medium way.

/weɪ/

A medium-long way.

/weɪ/

I mean, you can see it ahead.

/miːn/ /juː/ /kæn/ /siː/ /ɪt/

In the vast, vast distance.

But you're already seeing exit signs for it.

/bʌt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

Really? I didn't see any.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /siː/ /ˈɛn.i/

You might want to get in the right lane.

/juː/ /maɪt/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /raɪt/

I understand how you feel, Barney.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /fiːl/

Friendships are important.

/ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

In fact, Emerson wrote

/fækt/ /roʊt/

A great poem entitled "friendship."

/ɡreɪt/ /ˈpoʊɪm/ /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/

You guys are gonna love this.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /lʌv/

"a ruddy drop of manly blood, the surging sea outweighs..."

/drɒp/ /siː/

(Barney makes a raspberry) (laughter)

Narrator: That's how it had always been for me with the gang

/haʊ/ /ɪt/ /hæd/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /wɪð/ /ɡæŋ/

Any time I tried to get a little high-minded.

/ˈɛn.i/ /taɪm/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

You guys, you've got to try this syrah.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /traɪ/

Hints of creme de cassis, red berries,

/rɛd/

Toasty oak...

(raspberry) (laughter)

Hmm.

Five letters, blank baritone.

/faɪv/

Of course! Lyric baritone!

/kɔːrs/

Which is actually higher than a dramatic baritone.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /ðæn/

You know, there's a telling moment

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

In the second act of la bohème...

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ækt/ /miː/

(raspberry) (Marshall laughing)

Guys, come on, I'm just trying to add

/ɡaɪz/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /dʒʌst/ /æd/

A little class to these proceedings.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /klæs/ /ðiːz/

It's like that line

/laɪk/ /ðæt/ /laɪn/

From Dante's inferno.

(raspberry) (laughter)

"consider your origins:

/kənˈsɪd.ər/ /jʊr/

You were not born to live like brutes."

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /bɔːrn/ /lɪv/ /laɪk/

(raspberry, laughing)

"but to follow virtue and knowledge""

/bʌt/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /ænd/ /ˈnɒl.ɪdʒ/

(raspberry, laughter) Ted: Or... Hay...

/heɪ/

In the original Italian...

/əˈrɪdʒɪnəl/

(others groaning)

/ˈʌðərz/

(speaking Italian)

/ˈspiːkɪŋ/

(repeated raspberries)

You guys are right.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /raɪt/

I'm totally overreacting

/ˈtoʊtəli/

To this whole Robin thing.

/hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

What's this envelope? Is this a wedding invitation?

/ɪz/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Robin's marrying don. I'm gonna die alone!

/ˈmæriɪŋ/ /daɪ/ /əˈloʊn/

Ted's gonna get eaten by cats!

/ɡɛt/ /ˈiː.tən/

Ted: Dude,

Relax-- it's for Marissa Heller.

/rɪˈlæks/ /fɔːr/

Marissa Heller? She sounds hot.

/ʃiː/ /hɒt/

Face, boobs, describe.

/feɪs/ /dɪˈskraɪb/

Start with boobs.

/stɑːrt/ /wɪð/

Who was Marissa Heller?

/huː/ /wɒz/

That mystery began when Marshall and I

/ðæt/ /ˈmɪstəri/ /wɛn/ /ænd/

First moved in together.

/fɜːrst/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Ted! We got our first mail delivery!

/wiː/ /aʊər/ /fɜːrst/ /meɪl/

We are popular.

/wiː/ /ˈpɒpjʊlər/

We've got

A golf magazine for...

/ˌmæɡəˈziːn/ /fɔːr/

Marissa Heller, Marissa Heller,

We've got a wicker furniture catalog,

/ˈfɜːrnɪtʃər/

Also for Marissa Heller,

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /fɔːr/

And...

/ænd/

A coupon for a bird store...

/fɔːr/ /bɜːrd/ /stɔːr/

Addressed to Marissa Heller or-- stay with me--

/steɪ/ /wɪð/ /miː/

"current occupant."

/ˈkɜːrənt/

That's us!

/ʌs/

We've got mail! Fantastic!

/meɪl/

Marissa Heller? Marissa Heller?

She must be the woman who lived here before us.

/ʃiː/ /mʌst/ /biː/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /huː/ /hɪr/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ʌs/

I wonder what she was like.

/ˈwʌndər/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/

And just like that,

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

A picture began to take shape...

/ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /teɪk/ /ʃeɪp/

A picture of Marissa Heller, the golfer...

/ˈpɪk.tʃər/

...Marissa Heller, the wicker catalog shopper...

Marissa Heller, the bird owner.

/bɜːrd/

And since then, with each piece of mail we've gotten,

/ænd/ /sɪns/ /ðɛn/ /wɪð/ /iːtʃ/ /piːs/ /meɪl/

The picture's become a little clearer.

/bɪˈkʌm/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

The only thing

/ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/

We don't know is what she looks like.

/wiː/ /noʊ/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /laɪk/

Well, I guess I'll forward this along

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /ˈfɔːr.wərd/ /əˈlɒŋ/

Like I've been forwarding...

/laɪk/

Oh, just open it. Okay.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /ɪt/

It's an invitation to Jefferson van Smoot's

/væn/

Annual spring social this Saturday night...

/sprɪŋ/ /ˈsoʊʃəl/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/ /naɪt/

In the penthouse apartment of the Alberta!

/əˈpɑːrtmənt/

You guys... That's the most beautiful building in Manhattan!

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /moʊst/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

We-we got to go to this party.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈpɑːrti/

That depends-- does it say anything on that invitation

/ðæt/ /dʌz/ /ɪt/ /seɪ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/

About robots battling wrestlers for intergalactic supremacy?

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/ /fɔːr/

No, but it says open bar.

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /bɑːr/

Revised agenda for Saturday night:

/fɔːr/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/ /naɪt/

Free booze at Marissa Heller's party,

/friː/ /ˈpɑːrti/

Then Robots vs. Wrestlers.

/ðɛn/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

One of us just

/ʌs/ /dʒʌst/

Needs to pretend to be Marissa Heller.

/biː/

(chuckles) guys, I'm flattered,

/ɡaɪz/

But I think Lily should do it.

/bʌt/ /θɪŋk/ /ʃʊd/ /duː/ /ɪt/

So the big night arrived.

/bɪɡ/ /naɪt/ /əˈraɪvd/

Our first stop...

/aʊər/ /fɜːrst/ /stɒp/

The Alberta building.

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Wow! This building is amazing!

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

Did you guys see the Porte Cochere

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /siː/

And the Terra-cotta spandrels outside?

/ænd/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

Oh, my God, look!

/maɪ/ /lʊk/

I just got a text from Robin.

/dʒʌst/ /tɛkst/

It says...

/ɪt/

(raspberry, laughter)

Okay, guys, huddle up.

/ɡaɪz/ /ʌp/

Now, Lil, you can do this-- all you have to do

/naʊ/ /juː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /hæv/ /duː/

Is look that guy in the eye, say your name

/ɪz/ /lʊk/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /aɪ/ /seɪ/ /jʊr/ /neɪm/

Is Marissa Heller, and we are golden.

/ɪz/ /ænd/ /wiː/

And again, just so we're clear, no accent.

/ænd/ /əˈɡɛn/ /dʒʌst/ /klɪər/ /noʊ/

(cockney accent): Are we sure she's not British, isn't it?

/wiː/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪt/

No! No! No!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

All right! Here I go.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/ /ɡoʊ/

I'm doing it.

/ɪt/

Hi. Hello.

Ooh. Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Go ahead.

/ɡoʊ/

I'm here for the van Smoot party.

/hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /væn/ /ˈpɑːrti/

My name is Marissa Heller.

/maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

(quietly): Bollocks.

So that's Marissa Heller.

Huh.

She fine.

/ʃiː/ /faɪn/

Her teeth look really nice.

/hɜːr/ /tiːθ/ /lʊk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /naɪs/

She must be remembering to go to the dentist

/ʃiː/ /mʌst/ /biː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈdɛntɪst/

Even without those reminder postcards.

/ˈiːvən/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /ðoʊz/

So, what are we doing?

/wɒt/ /wiː/

I'm getting us into the party, that's what!

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ʌs/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /wɒt/

Marissa Heller! Marissa Heller!

Barney Stinson! Barney Stinson!

We met at that gathering for...

/wiː/ /ðæt/ /fɔːr/

Bird owners.

/bɜːrd/

I don't think so.

/θɪŋk/

Wicker lovers?

No. Stinson out.

/noʊ/ /aʊt/

Guys, it's not gonna happen.

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈhæpən/

I got this.

You know, this elevator still uses the same mechanism

/juː/ /noʊ/ /seɪm/

From when it was first installed in 1906.

/wɛn/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /fɜːrst/

Rumor is,

/ɪz/

Louis Lamar Skolnick, Louis Lamar Skolnick,

The architect who designed this building,

/ˈɑːrkɪtekt/ /huː/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Carved these panels himself.

/ðiːz/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

Oh, a Skolnick fan?

/fæn/

Well... I love

/wɛl/ /lʌv/

His juxtaposition between

/hɪz/ /bɪˈtwiːn/

The north German renaissance exterior...

/nɔːrθ/ /ɪkˈstɪəriər/

And the decidedly French influence on the inside! I know!

/ænd/ /ɒn/ /noʊ/

He was an architect

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

With the soul of a poet, really.

/wɪð/ /ˈpəʊɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

No, no, no, don't, don't.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

It's working. Ted: You know,

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I have a confession to make.

/hæv/ /meɪk/

We're not on the guest list,

/ɒn/ /lɪst/

But... I've always wanted to see the inside of the Alberta.

/bʌt/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /siː/

Well, then right this way.

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /raɪt/ /weɪ/

We're all together.

/ɔːl/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Told you I'd get us in.

/toʊld/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ʌs/

So...

Anyone been watching the young and the restless?

/ˈɛniwʌn/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /jʌŋ/ /ænd/ /ˈrɛstlɪs/

(gasps) awesome!

/ˈɔːsəm/

Who ordered soap opera illustrated?

/huː/ /ˈɔːrdərd/ /soʊp/

Huh. Marissa Heller, I like your style.

/laɪk/ /jʊr/ /staɪl/

Anyone?

/ˈɛniwʌn/

Am I to understand that there isn't

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /ðæt/ /ðɛr/

A single soap opera fan in this entire elevator, Hmm?

/ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /soʊp/ /fæn/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/

I don't own a TV.

/oʊn/

The only operas I watch

/ˈoʊnli/ /wɒtʃ/

Are at the met.

(whispers): Dibs.

(chamber music playing quietly)

/ˈmjuːzɪk/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/

Ah. Excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Jefferson, darling.

Wow, I am not dressed for this.

/fɔːr/

One word, made up:

/wɜːrd/ /ʌp/

"douche-pocalypse""

Guys... That's Peter Bogdanovich

/ɡaɪz/

Talking to Arianna Huffington and Will Shortz,

/ænd/ /wɪl/

Editor of the new York times crossword!

/ˈɛdɪtər/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /taɪmz/

Look, let's give this party a chance, okay?

/lʊk/ /ɡɪv/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /tʃæns/

There's free food, free booze.

/friː/ /fuːd/ /friː/

20 minutes, then we can leave.

/ðɛn/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /liːv/

But, you see, music was changing,

/bʌt/ /juː/ /siː/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/ /wɒz/

And Giovanni Artusi simply didn't understand

/ænd/ /ˈsɪmpli/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

The new style of composing.

/njuː/ /staɪl/

Excuse me, are you talking about Monteverdi

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

And his fourth book of madrigals?

/ænd/ /hɪz/ /bʊk/

My dear chap, what else?

/maɪ/ /dɪər/ /wɒt/ /ɛls/

That's my favorite book of madrigals!

/maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /bʊk/

Smoked Foie gras

With caramelized mango and crème fraîche?

/wɪð/ /ænd/ /miː/

Hey, uh, hey, guy,

/ɡaɪ/

Do you have anything in the mini cheeseburger department?

/duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /dɪˈpɑːrtmənt/

I don't think so, sir.

/θɪŋk/ /sɜːr/

No? Mini pizzas? Little cups of fries?

/noʊ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Any food at all that'll make me feel like a giant?

/ˈɛn.i/ /fuːd/ /ɔːl/ /meɪk/ /miː/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/

I'll check, sir.

/tʃɛk/ /sɜːr/

He's not gonna check.

/tʃɛk/

I'm performing open-heart surgery

/ˈsɜːrdʒəri/

On the dutch ambassador in the morning.

/ɒn/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

I hope he pulls through.

/hoʊp/ /hiː/ /θruː/

Really? A colleague of mine just prescribed cumadin

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈkɒliːɡ/ /maɪn/ /dʒʌst/

To the dutch ambassador.

And there's no way

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/

She'd be on anticoagulants

/biː/ /ɒn/

If she were about to undergo surgery.

/ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /wɜːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈsɜːrdʒəri/

Just...

/dʒʌst/

Okay?

You know who published a great article

/juː/ /noʊ/ /huː/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈɑːr.tɪ.kəl/

On Walt Whitman and the politics of semantics?

/ɒn/ /ænd/

Professor Hammersmith of Oxford.

/prəˈfɛsər/

I am Professor Hammersmith.

/prəˈfɛsər/

Wha...?!

...Which is exactly what truffaut was talking about

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/

In his 1954 article in Cahiers Du Cinéma.

/hɪz/ /ˈɑːr.tɪ.kəl/

Film is an auteur's medium, full stop.

/fɪlm/ /ɪz/ /fʊl/ /stɒp/

(laughing)

Movies...

Right?

/raɪt/

Actors.

Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafoe.

Funny thing about Willem Dafoe--

/ˈfʌn.i/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Uh, his name kind of sounds like a frog...

/hɪz/ /neɪm/ /kaɪnd/ /laɪk/

Talking to a parrot.

(deeply): Willem. Willem.

(high-pitched): Defoe! Defoe!

(deeply): Willem. Willem.

(high-pitched): Defoe! Defoe!

No?

/noʊ/

As undersecretary of the treasury,

I had a big hand in crafting that legislation.

/hæd/ /bɪɡ/ /hænd/ /ðæt/

Now... I wonder

/naʊ/ /ˈwʌndər/

If you'd like to join me in the map room

/ɪf/ /laɪk/ /dʒɔɪn/ /miː/ /mæp/ /ruːm/

And give my package some stimulus.

/ænd/ /ɡɪv/ /maɪ/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/ /sʌm/

I'm afraid not, darling.

/əˈfreɪd/

You are too old for my taste.

/juː/ /oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /teɪst/

Okay, Zsa Zsa Gabor is still looking pretty hot,

/ɪz/ /ˈprɪti/ /hɒt/

But otherwise,

/bʌt/

This party sucks.

/ˈpɑːrti/

Yeah, well, we gave it a chance.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /ɡeɪv/ /ɪt/ /tʃæns/

It's been 20 minutes. Let's get out of here.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

Where's Ted? Yeah.

I know how to find him.

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /faɪnd/ /hɪm/

Just give me one... Mm.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/

(clears throat)

(bangs gong loudly)

Gongs, right?

/raɪt/

Uh, louder than you think.

/ðæn/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic

/jʌŋ/ /mæn/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

That hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert hit it

/ðæt/ /sɪns/ /ɪt/

At the London premiere of the Mikado in 1885.

Wife is a 500 year relic that

/waɪf/ /ɪz/ /jɪr/ /ðæt/

hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert hit it

/sɪns/ /ɪt/

at the London premiere of the Mikado in 1885.

Guys, Will Schorz, editor of the Times' crossword.

/ɡaɪz/ /wɪl/ /ˈɛdɪtər/ /taɪmz/

You know how I've been saying they always use ulee

/juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /juːz/

From Ulee's gold because of the vowels?

/bɪˈkɔːz/

Well, tell 'em, will. Tell 'em.

/wɛl/ /tɛl/ /wɪl/ /tɛl/

It's because of the vowels.

/bɪˈkɔːz/

It's because of the vowels!

/bɪˈkɔːz/

Oh, wow. Ted, can I talk to you just for a second?

/kæn/ /tɔːk/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

Hey, will, ten-letter-word for diminutive egg-based torte?

/wɪl/ /fɔːr/

Mini-quiche? Where?!

/wɛr/

Right there. Ngay kia.

/raɪt/ /ðɛr/

Such a great party. Such a

/sʌtʃ/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /sʌtʃ/

Great party! Yeah, totally, Ted. It's time to go.

/ɡreɪt/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /taɪm/ /ɡoʊ/

It's Robots vs. Wrestlers o'clock.

/ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Oh. Marissa: Ted. Ted.

There you are.

/ðɛr/ /juː/

We'll be blind taste-testing French whites in a bit.

/biː/ /blaɪnd/

Should be a hoot and a half.

/ʃʊd/ /biː/ /ænd/ /hæf/

Well, I decan't miss that.

/wɛl/ /mɪs/ /ðæt/

(both laughing)

/boʊθ/

I know. You don't have to say it.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/

You don't decant white wine.

/juː/ /waɪn/

Miss Lily in the living room with the candlestick.

/mɪs/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ruːm/ /wɪð/

Van Smoot: Oh, my heavens, no!

/væn/ /maɪ/ /noʊ/

That was Edgar Allan Poe's!

/ðæt/ /wɒz/

Sorry!

/ˈsɒr.i/

Uh, guys, listen, I'm having fun here,

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /fʌn/ /hɪr/

So I think I'm gonna skip Robots vs. Wrestlers.

/θɪŋk/ /skɪp/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

(gasps)

But Ted, you've never missed Robots vs. Wrestlers!

/bʌt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /mɪst/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

No! No! No! No! No!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Ted, this isn't happening.

/ˈhæpənɪŋ/

First Robin ditches us, and now you?

/fɜːrst/ /ʌs/ /ænd/ /naʊ/ /juː/

And for these stuffy, pretentious snoots?!

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ðiːz/

Actually, I kind of like these stuffy, pretentious snoots.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /kaɪnd/ /laɪk/ /ðiːz/

They don't make fart noises every time I open my mouth.

/ðeɪ/ /meɪk/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /maɪ/ /maʊθ/

Now, look, I'm going to stay.

/naʊ/ /lʊk/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /steɪ/

I'll see you guys tomorrow. Marshall: Yeah.

/siː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Come on, Barney. It's just one night.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /dʒʌst/ /naɪt/

It doesn't mean anything.

/ɪt/ /miːn/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Oh, it means everything.

/ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Ted, if you don't come to Robots vs. Wrestlers,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kʌm/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

It's the end of our friendship.

/ɛnd/ /aʊər/ /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

/siː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Fine. Then you are out of our gang forever.

/faɪn/ /ðɛn/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /aʊər/ /ɡæŋ/ /fərˈɛvər/

You can reapply in two years.

/juː/ /kæn/ /tuː/

Marshall, Lily, Marshall, Lily,

Let's go watch

/ɡoʊ/ /wɒtʃ/

Wrestlers fight robots.

/ˈrɛslərz/ /faɪt/ /ˈroʊbɒts/

So embarrassing.

/ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

I forgot something.

/fərˈɡɒt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

(gong chimes loudly)

(orchestra plays classical music)

/ˈɔːkɪstrə/ /pleɪz/ /ˈklæsɪkəl/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/

So Ted, where did those chums of yours scoot off to?

/wɛr/ /dɪd/ /ðoʊz/ /jɔːrz/ /ɒf/

Oh, you know.

/juː/ /noʊ/

Poetry reading.

/ˈpəʊɪtri/ /ˈriː.dɪŋ/

(cheering, loud music blaring)

/laʊd/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/

Best tradition ever!

/bɛst/ /trəˈdɪʃən/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Don't humor me, Marshall.

/miː/

Let's face it.

/feɪs/ /ɪt/

The gang is over.

/ɡæŋ/ /ɪz/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Ted's gone. Robin's gone.

/ɡɔːn/ /ɡɔːn/

We might as well just go our separate ways.

/wiː/ /maɪt/ /wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊər/ /weɪz/

God, Barney, enough with t a abandonment issues.

/ɪˈnʌf/ /wɪð/

Ted's allowed to have a life outside of the group.

/hæv/ /laɪf/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /ɡruːp/

We all are.

/wiː/ /ɔːl/

Wait a minute.

/weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Why are you saying that all of a sudden?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/

Oh, God, you're pregnant!

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

No.

/noʊ/

Oh, God, you already had the baby!

/juː/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hæd/ /ˈbeɪbi/

It's right behind me, isn't it?

/raɪt/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /miː/ /ɪt/

No, you idiot.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ˈɪdiət/

It's just, eventually, we're all gonna move on.

/dʒʌst/ /ɔːl/ /muːv/ /ɒn/

It's called growing up.

/ˈɡroʊɪŋ/ /ʌp/

(loud cheering)

/laʊd/

Is that all you got, bitch?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /juː/

But can you at least promise me

/bʌt/ /kæn/ /juː/ /liːst/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /miː/

That you won't get pregnant for another year?

/ðæt/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /fɔːr/ /əˈnʌðər/ /jɪr/

I can't make that promise.

/meɪk/ /ðæt/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/

You can't?! You can't?!

/juː/ /juː/

(cheering, Marshall whoops)

(classical music playing)

/ˈklæsɪkəl/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/

Hmm?

Citrus and honeycomb flavors with crisp acidity.

/ænd/ /wɪð/

It's a sauv blanc, Loire valley.

Town of Sancerre.

/taʊn/

Ah. Correct again!

/kəˈrɛkt/ /əˈɡɛn/

Bravo, boy!

/bɔɪ/

(both laughing)

/boʊθ/

No! You can't have kids!

/noʊ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

You don't want to bring a child

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /brɪŋ/ /tʃaɪld/

Into this crazy, messed-up world.

/ˈkreɪzi/ /wɜːrld/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

The world seems pretty awesome right now, Barney.

/wɜːrld/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

(cheering)

Okay, Lily, you leave me no choice.

/juː/ /liːv/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /tʃɔɪs/

If you have a daughter, the day,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈdɔːtər/ /deɪ/

Nay, the minute she turns 18...

/ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /ʃiː/

Gong! Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

Hey, but Lily.

/bʌt/

Lily... Babies.

/ˈbeɪbiz/

Oh! Oh!

I hope Ted is miserable right now.

/hoʊp/ /ɪz/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

♪ constance fry, constance fry ♪ ♪ constance fry, constance fry ♪

/fraɪ/ /fraɪ/ /fraɪ/ /fraɪ/

♪ anytime you'd call ♪ ♪ anytime you'd call ♪

/kɔːl/ /kɔːl/

♪ constance would fulfill your needs ♪ ♪ constance would fulfill your needs ♪

/wʊd/ /jʊr/ /wʊd/ /jʊr/

♪ winter, spring ♪ ♪ winter, spring ♪

/ˈwɪntər/ /sprɪŋ/ /ˈwɪntər/ /sprɪŋ/

(in harmony): ♪ or fall. ♪ (in harmony): ♪ or fall. ♪

/fɔːl/ /fɔːl/

(applause)

Ted, your lyric baritone is outstanding.

/jʊr/ /ɪz/

Thank you, Will Shortz.

/juː/ /wɪl/

(crowd cheering)

Fine, you guys can have a baby,

/faɪn/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /kæn/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

But only under these conditions:

/bʌt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈʌndər/ /ðiːz/

1) you promise to always love me more than the baby;

/juː/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /lʌv/ /miː/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ˈbeɪbi/

2) once a month, I get to use the baby to pick up chicks;

/wʌns/ /mʌnθ/ /ɡɛt/ /juːz/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /pɪk/ /ʌp/ /tʃɪks/

3) that may involve the baby falling

/ðæt/ /meɪ/ /ɪnˈvɒlv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

From a two-story window and me heroically catching it;

/ˈwɪndoʊ/ /ænd/ /miː/ /ɪt/

4) no breastfeeding in front of me;

/noʊ/ /miː/

5) forget about four.

/fərˈɡɛt/ /əˈbaʊt/

You can whip them out whenever you want.

/juː/ /kæn/ /ðɛm/ /aʊt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

Narrator: And then, something amazing happened.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/

(grunts) (gasps)

Holy crap!

I don't believe it.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ɪt/

(whimpers)

Well, of course, hell is an interesting concept, isn't it?

/wɛl/ /kɔːrs/ /ɪz/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/ /ɪt/

I've always loved to imagine it

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /lʌvd/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /ɪt/

As Dante did in the divine comedy.

/dɪd/ /ˈkɒmədi/

If you'll allow me.

/ɪf/ /əˈlaʊ/ /miː/

In the original Italian.

/əˈrɪdʒɪnəl/

(speaking Italian)

/ˈspiːkɪŋ/

Narrator: I cannot believe this.

/bɪˈliːv/

I'm reciting the divine comedy

/ˈkɒmədi/

In its original Italian,

/ɪts/ /əˈrɪdʒɪnəl/

And nobody's making fart noises!

/ænd/

(speaking Italian)

/ˈspiːkɪŋ/

Wow, this is weird.

/ɪz/

Never gotten this far.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /fɑːr/

(speaking Italian)

/ˈspiːkɪŋ/

You know, I actually sound kind of douchey.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /saʊnd/ /kaɪnd/

(speaking Italian)

/ˈspiːkɪŋ/

My God, I'm out of control!

/maɪ/ /aʊt/ /kənˈtroʊl/

Listen to me. I'm completely unleashed.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /miː/ /kəmˈpliːtli/

I'm the biggest douche on the planet.

/ɒn/ /ˈplænɪt/

(continues in Italian)

(continues in Italian)

Ugh! I wish somebody would stop me.

/ʌɡ/ /wɪʃ/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /wʊd/ /stɒp/ /miː/

And then, somebody did.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /dɪd/

(phone chirps)

/foʊn/

(speaks Italian)

Kids, I think I told you how earlier that year,

/kɪdz/ /θɪŋk/ /toʊld/ /juː/ /haʊ/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /ðæt/ /jɪr/

We had seen some doppelgangers of ourselves around town.

/wiː/ /hæd/ /sʌm/ /əˈraʊnd/ /taʊn/

There was lesbian Robin.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/

There was moustache Marshall.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/

And, of course, stripper Lily. (man hooting)

/ænd/ /kɔːrs/ /mæn/

Well, that night,

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

One more doppelganger surfaced--

/mɔːr/

Mexican wrestler Ted.

Soy el conquistador de las máquinas!

All three: Oh!

/ɔːl/ /θriː/

Oh!

(Lily screams, cheering)

(yelling)

(crowd cheering)

I got to go.

/ɡoʊ/

Rule number 83.

/ruːl/ /ˈnʌmbər/

If anything that comes out of that baby

/ɪf/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Gets on one of my suits, I get to touch Lily's boobs.

/ɡɛts/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /tʌtʃ/

Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /təˈnaɪt/

Hey, hey, I don't make the rules.

/meɪk/

Baby, are you really starting to think about this?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

Maybe a little.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Okay.

Well, for whatever it's worth, I think that we're ready.

/wɛl/ /fɔːr/ /wɜːrθ/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɛd.i/

I mean, look,

/miːn/ /lʊk/

We love each other,

/wiː/ /lʌv/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

We're financially stable, and honestly, I don't think

/ænd/ /ˈɒnɪstli/ /θɪŋk/

It would change our lifestyle all that much.

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /aʊər/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /mʌtʃ/

Narrator: Aunt Lily still likes

/ænt/

To remind Uncle Marshall he once said this.

/rɪˈmaɪnd/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /hiː/ /wʌns/ /sɛd/

Marshall, if we were at home with a baby tonight,

/ɪf/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /hoʊm/ /wɪð/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /təˈnaɪt/

We never would have seen Ted's doppelganger.

/wiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wʊd/ /hæv/

Imagine missing that.

/ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /ðæt/

How would that feel?

/haʊ/ /wʊd/ /ðæt/ /fiːl/

I would blame that child for the rest of his life.

/wʊd/ /bleɪm/ /ðæt/ /tʃaɪld/ /fɔːr/ /rɛst/ /hɪz/ /laɪf/

Exactly. For the rest of her life.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /fɔːr/ /rɛst/ /hɜːr/ /laɪf/