Season 5 · Tập 21

Kids, your aunt Robin had only been dating Don a short while,

/kɪdz/ /jʊr/ /ænt/ /hæd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ʃɔːrt/ /waɪl/

But one evening, out of nowhere...

/bʌt/ /ˈiːvnɪŋ/ /aʊt/

- Robin? - Mm? - Do you wanna move in?

/duː/ /juː/ /muːv/

Well, um it it... it's...

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /ɪt/

Kind of soon, but...

/kaɪnd/ /suːn/ /bʌt/

Sure, I would consider...

/ʃʊr/ /wʊd/ /kənˈsɪd.ər/

moving in here, just let me think about it.

/hɪr/ /dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

No, I meant do you want to move in on the couch so I can sit down.

/noʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /muːv/ /ɒn/ /kaʊtʃ/ /kæn/ /sɪt/ /daʊn/

Yeah, that's what I meant too,

/wɒt/

- Like I said, just let me think about it. - Ok.

/laɪk/ /sɛd/ /dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

- Yeah, I'm OK with that. - Okay.

/wɪð/ /ðæt/

But, now that you mentioned it...

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /ɪt/

Do you wanna move in?

/duː/ /juː/ /muːv/

So what did you say?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /seɪ/

- I'm considering it. - You're considering it?

/ɪt/ /ɪt/

- Yeah. - You barely know him.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /hɪm/

Plus the guy is a loser with a dead end job.

/plʌs/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɪz/ /wɪð/ /dɛd/ /ɛnd/ /dʒɒb/

- We have the same job, Barney. - And we couldn't be prouder of you, angel.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /seɪm/ /dʒɒb/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /biː/ /juː/

- Oh, sweetie, this does seem kind of fast. - I know.

/ˈswiːti/ /dʌz/ /siːm/ /kaɪnd/ /fæst/ /noʊ/

- Well, maybe you're right. - Well, I think you should move in with him.

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /raɪt/ /wɛl/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /muːv/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

- You do? - Yeah.

/juː/ /duː/

Yeah, I mean I...

/miːn/

I see how happy you are and as much as I love you as roommate,

/siː/ /haʊ/ /ˈhæp.i/ /juː/ /ænd/ /mʌtʃ/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/

I want you to do what's right for you.

/wɒnt/ /juː/ /duː/ /raɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Are you trying to kick me out because of the milk thing?

/juː/ /kɪk/ /miː/ /aʊt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /mɪlk/ /θɪŋ/

It's really annoying.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /əˈnɔɪɪŋ/

Robin? Robin?

No...

/noʊ/

I have a system. I put the empty carton back in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.

/hæv/ /ˈsɪstəm/ /pʊt/ /ˈɛmpti/ /bæk/ /frɪdʒ/ /rɪˈmaɪnd/ /ʌs/ /baɪ/ /mɪlk/

Ok, why don't you leave a full carton to remind us we don't have to buy milk?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /liːv/ /fʊl/ /rɪˈmaɪnd/ /ʌs/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /baɪ/ /mɪlk/

Alright, alright.

As your ex...

/jʊr/

Before you jump in to anything,

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /dʒʌmp/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

I need to meet this guy.

/niːd/ /miːt/ /ɡaɪ/

I think it's kind of weird I haven't met him yet.

/θɪŋk/ /kaɪnd/ /hɪm/ /jɛt/

Totally weird, it's almost like someone carefully orchestrated that way on purpose.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /laɪk/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/ /ɒn/

Fine, but you have to promise to be on your best behavior.

/faɪn/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /biː/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /bɛst/

I promise.

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/

So I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist...

And I swear...

/ænd/ /swɛər/

She is so flexible, at one point she was on top of me and underneath me

/ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈflɛksɪbl/ /pɔɪnt/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /tɒp/ /miː/ /ænd/ /miː/

On top and down low!

/ɒn/ /tɒp/ /ænd/ /daʊn/ /loʊ/

- Who needs? Who needs? - I'm good.

/huː/ /huː/ /ɡʊd/

- And that would be Barney, - He means well.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /hiː/ /wɛl/

Well actually, I'm not sure that's true.

/wɛl/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /ʃʊr/ /truː/

Well, I think he's awesome.

/wɛl/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈɔːsəm/

But I'd feel bad for any woman with a kinda low self esteem to actually date a guy like that.

/bʌt/ /fiːl/ /bæd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /wɪð/ /loʊ/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /deɪt/ /ɡaɪ/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

And that's when I realized Robin never told Don she had dated Barney.

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /toʊld/ /ʃiː/ /hæd/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/

I like you, Don.

/laɪk/ /juː/

We both love a good scotch, we both enjoy my compelling stories

/wiː/ /boʊθ/ /lʌv/ /ɡʊd/ /wiː/ /boʊθ/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /maɪ/ /ˈstɔːriz/

And we both dated Robin.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /boʊθ/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/

Now he knew.

/naʊ/ /hiː/ /njuː/

So Barney's your ex and you still hang out with him?

/jʊr/ /ænd/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

I gotta say I'm a little uncomfortable with that.

/seɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

Oh, don't be, it's like we never dated.

/biː/ /laɪk/ /wiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/

Long story short, this exchange students arms gave out

/lɔːŋ/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ʃɔːrt/ /ɪksˈtʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈstjuːdənts/ /ɑːrmz/ /ɡeɪv/ /aʊt/

And we both fell *** over sex swing.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /boʊθ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /sɛks/

Seriously, I have never been able to find a girl who can do that position since Robin.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /faɪnd/ /ɡɜːrl/ /huː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /pəˈzɪʃən/ /sɪns/

Hey, Lily, Marshall, how was your weekend away or any other topic?

/haʊ/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/ /əˈweɪ/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈtɒp.ɪk/

- Awful. - Terrible.

/ˈtɛrɪbl/

Twin beds? I can't sleep in separate beds.

/twɪn/ /sliːp/

We should go complain.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /kəmˈpleɪn/

Yeah, you're right, I'm gonna march down there and demand another room.

/raɪt/ /daʊn/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ruːm/

Yeah, I'll go with you and...

/ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ænd/

Just a sec...

/dʒʌst/

House keeping!

/haʊs/

Could you come back a little later? We're taking a little cat nap.

/kʊd/ /juː/ /kʌm/ /bæk/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈleɪtər/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /kæt/

It's time to check out.

/taɪm/ /tʃɛk/ /aʊt/

We slept for 18 hours.

/wiː/ /slɛpt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈaʊərz/

- We missed 3 prepaid meals. - I lost 11 pounds.

/wiː/ /mɪst/ /lɒst/

Hey, Ted, you think it's weird that Robin is still friends with Barney?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /frɛndz/ /wɪð/

I think it's weird that we're all still friends with Barney.

/θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /frɛndz/ /wɪð/

I just don't know how to feel about her hanging out with one of her exes all the time.

/dʒʌst/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /fiːl/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

And that's when I realized Robin had failed to tell Don about another one of her exes.

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /hæd/ /feɪld/ /tɛl/ /əˈbaʊt/ /əˈnʌðər/ /hɜːr/

Me.

/miː/

No, hanging out with one ex is fine, even 2 I'd give a pass.

/noʊ/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /ɪz/ /faɪn/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɡɪv/ /pæs/

Hell, 2 might be even better than one.

/maɪt/ /biː/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/

For some reason.

/fɔːr/ /sʌm/ /ˈriːzən/

Yeah, but if you were dating someone and he hung out with one of his exes...

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ænd/ /hiː/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /hɪz/

Wait, I'm sorry.

/weɪt/ /ˈsɒr.i/

- He? - Yeah, he was friends with one of his exes.

/hiː/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /frɛndz/ /wɪð/ /hɪz/

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

- Do you think I'm gay? - Well...

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /wɛl/

- Yeah. - Why would you assume that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /ðæt/

- Hey. - Hey, your calligraphy teacher called...

/jʊr/ /ˈtiː.tʃər/

- And? - And your ink is in.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /jʊr/ /ɪz/

Yes.

Hey, guys, just wanna make sure Project Runway is recording.

/ɡaɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/ /ɪz/

Did the Jets get new costumes?

/dɪd/ /ɡɛt/ /njuː/

Well, I guess we won't be having creme brulee tonight,

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /wiː/ /biː/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /təˈnaɪt/

My browning torch is broken.

/maɪ/ /ɪz/

You know, when I heard your roommate was a single guy, I was a little jealous,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛn/ /hɜːrd/ /jʊr/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ɡaɪ/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈdʒɛləs/

But now that I know that he's gay...

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

- I'm OK. - Oh, but Ted's not....

/bʌt/

But we still got home made lady fingers

/bʌt/ /wiː/ /hoʊm/ /ˈleɪdi/ /ˈfɪŋɡərz/

And piping hot dog chilling(?)

/ænd/ /hɒt/ /dɔːɡ/

Thank you.

/juː/

- Ted's not what? - Ted's not gonna be around a lot.

/wɒt/ /biː/ /əˈraʊnd/ /lɒt/

He's following Cher on tour.

/ɒn/

Hey, don't get me wrong, Cher puts on a hell of a show.

/ɡɛt/ /miː/ /rɒŋ/ /ɒn/ /ʃoʊ/

But I am not gay.

/bʌt/

Hey, Lily, be honest.

/biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/

Is it weird that Robin hangs out with one of her exes all the time?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Well Ted and Robin broke up years ago. It's a non issue.

/wɛl/ /ænd/ /ʌp/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /ˈɪʃuː/

- Ted? - And Robin?

/ænd/

Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donnie?

/naʊ/

- An Appletini for the gentleman. - Thank you.

/fɔːr/ /juː/

You dated Ted, too?

/juː/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/

Robin, of the four people you consider your best friends in New York,

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /juː/ /kənˈsɪd.ər/ /jʊr/ /bɛst/ /frɛndz/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

- you've slept with 50 percent of them. - Don...

/slɛpt/ /wɪð/ /pərˈsɛnt/ /ðɛm/

They're just my friends.

/dʒʌst/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/

Yes, but they're also your exes.

/bʌt/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /jʊr/

And you live with one of them.

/ænd/ /juː/ /lɪv/ /wɪð/ /ðɛm/

Look, I'm sorry. I gotta, I gotta think about all this,

/lʊk/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɔːl/

My God!

/maɪ/

She's 1000 degrees.

It's like putting my leg against a tail pipe.

/laɪk/ /maɪ/ /lɛɡ/ /əˈɡɛnst/

Ow!

He's toe nails are like daggers.

/laɪk/

I'd love a sandwich.

/lʌv/ /ˈsænwɪtʃ/

But no eating in bed.

/bʌt/ /noʊ/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /bɛd/

Stupid rule!

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ruːl/

We have ants one time...

/wiː/ /hæv/ /taɪm/

Great! And now he's falling asleep.

/ɡreɪt/ /ænd/ /naʊ/ /əˈsliːp/

Cue the river of drool.

My knee itches.

/maɪ/

Just one little scratch.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Marshall! Marshall!

- You think we should get separate beds? - Yes, a mini fridge.

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /frɪdʒ/

And separate beds.

/ænd/

Deal!

/diːl/

- Don! - Hi.

I came to apologize to all of you.

/əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/ /ɔːl/ /juː/

I overreacted.

Well, we.. Owe you an apology too, Don.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /juː/

We've said some pretty hurtful things.

/sɛd/ /sʌm/ /ˈprɪti/ /θɪŋz/

- No, you didn't. - Right, that was after you left.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /raɪt/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈæf.tər/ /juː/ /lɛft/

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth in the first place.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /truːθ/ /fɜːrst/ /pleɪs/

No, I acted like a total drama queen. That's not offensive, right?

/noʊ/ /laɪk/ /ˈdrɑːmə/ /raɪt/

Still not gay.

Sorry. The point is you both are clearly very important to Robin

/ˈsɒr.i/ /pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /juː/ /boʊθ/ /ˈklɪərli/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

So why don't we all have dinner tomorrow night at my place?

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /hæv/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

- Oh, that's great. - Looking forward to it, buddy.

/ɡreɪt/ /ˈfɔːr.wərd/ /ɪt/ /ˈbʌdi/

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

/ˈwɛlkəm/

- Should we go? - Yeah, see you guys! - Bye.

/ʃʊd/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /siː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /baɪ/

- Ted. - Yeah. - Ted.

I must have Robin back.

/mʌst/ /hæv/ /bæk/

- You're kidding, right? - No.

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /raɪt/ /noʊ/

I don't know what it is, but I want Robin back.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /bʌt/ /wɒnt/ /bæk/

I know what it is... You're like...

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/

a little kid who throws a toy away

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /kɪd/ /huː/ /əˈweɪ/

And then wants it back the second another kid starts playing with it.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /bæk/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /kɪd/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

Well maybe I wasn't done playing with it.

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /dʌn/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

Maybe I just set it down cause I wanted to play with another stuff for a second.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /dʒʌst/ /sɛt/ /ɪt/ /daʊn/ /kɔːz/ /pleɪ/ /wɪð/ /əˈnʌðər/ /stʌf/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

Okay. You're ready.

/ˈrɛd.i/

Ready for what?

/ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /wɒt/

To read the letter.

/riːd/ /ˈlɛt.ər/

Kids...

/kɪdz/

The letter was a device I'd invented

/ˈlɛt.ər/ /wɒz/ /dɪˈvaɪs/

To remind myself why I'd broken up with somebody.

/rɪˈmaɪnd/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /waɪ/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/

I've been doing it for years.

/ɪt/ /fɔːr/

Dear future Ted,

/dɪər/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

Never get back with Karen because she's a pretentious snob.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /wɪð/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

Oh, also she cheated on you.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /ʃiː/ /ˈtʃiːtɪd/ /ɒn/ /juː/

I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/ /hæd/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/ /weɪ/

See? We're already laughing about it.

/siː/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Dear future Ted,

/dɪər/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

Stay away from Natalie.

/steɪ/ /əˈweɪ/

Or any girl who can pin you to the ground

/ˈɛn.i/ /ɡɜːrl/ /huː/ /kæn/ /juː/ /ɡraʊnd/

and beat you senseless in front of a cheering crowd.

/ænd/ /biːt/ /juː/

P.S.

Please consult a therapist about why that turned you on a little bit.

/pliːz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /waɪ/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Dear relationship genius

/dɪər/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

Stella left you at the altar,

/lɛft/ /juː/

You may never love again.

/juː/ /meɪ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /lʌv/ /əˈɡɛn/

And you'll probably die alone.

/ænd/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /daɪ/ /əˈloʊn/

Huh.

It doesn't look so sad written in calligraphy.

/ɪt/ /lʊk/ /sæd/

So when Barney and Robin broke up the previous fall...

/wɛn/ /ænd/ /ʌp/ /ˈpriːviəs/ /fɔːl/

Dating Robin was a huge mistake.

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /wɒz/ /hjuːdʒ/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

Write that down.

/raɪt/ /ðæt/ /daʊn/

What?

/wɒt/

Write yourself a letter.

/raɪt/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /ˈlɛt.ər/

That way, when you miss Robin,

/ðæt/ /weɪ/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /mɪs/

And you will, you can remind yourself why you broke up.

/ænd/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /kæn/ /rɪˈmaɪnd/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /ʌp/

- Gladly. - Mhm.

- Dear... future... Barney... - Uuh.

/dɪər/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

This ink is cool.

/ɪz/ /kuːl/

Right? Right?

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

You....

/juː/

and Robin were a terrible couple.

/ænd/ /wɜːr/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/ /ˈkʌpəl/

You just didn't work.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /wɜːrk/

Sure, you'll always love Robin,

/ʃʊr/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /lʌv/

But remember other women...

/bʌt/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

More importantly...

/mɔːr/

remember other boobs,

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ˈʌð.ər/

and all that cool stuff you can do with boobs...

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /kuːl/ /stʌf/ /juː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /wɪð/

Nozzle, juggle, honka, honka... Nozzle, juggle, honka, honka...

I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.

/ɡɛs/ /dʒʌst/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

And there's just a bunch of drawings of boobs.

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/

- You get it now? - Yeah, I get it.

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

I definitely want her back.

/ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /wɒnt/ /hɜːr/ /bæk/

I don't think human beings were ever meant to sleep in the same bed.

/θɪŋk/ /ˈhjuːmən/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /sliːp/ /seɪm/ /bɛd/

Somehow sex and sleep got jumbled together but they're two different things.

/sɛks/ /ænd/ /sliːp/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /bʌt/ /tuː/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /θɪŋz/

I know.

/noʊ/

I mean I love you, but I want this new bed

/miːn/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /bʌt/ /wɒnt/ /njuː/ /bɛd/

To be a sanctuary for sleep and sleep alone.

/biː/ /fɔːr/ /sliːp/ /ænd/ /sliːp/ /əˈloʊn/

Me too. And some light snacking but that's it.

/miː/ /ænd/ /sʌm/ /laɪt/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/

Hey, you know what we should get?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/

We should get a third bed, just for sex.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /bɛd/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /sɛks/

Oh, yes, a sex bed...

/sɛks/ /bɛd/

A dirty, dirty, sex bed.

/ˈdɜːrti/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /sɛks/ /bɛd/

Genius. That way each bed will have a specific purpose.

/ðæt/ /weɪ/ /iːtʃ/ /bɛd/ /wɪl/ /hæv/ /spɪˈsɪfɪk/

Exactly. We'll have 2 sleep beds, a sex bed,

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /hæv/ /sliːp/ /sɛks/ /bɛd/

And I'm thinking a bean bag chair just for special birthday stuff.

/ænd/ /bæɡ/ /tʃɛr/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /ˈspɛʃəl/ /ˈbɜːrθdeɪ/ /stʌf/

Baby...

/ˈbeɪbi/

- Can we just revolutionize modern marriage? - Damn straight.

/kæn/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈmɒdərn/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/ /streɪt/

- Hey! - Hey!

Hey, guys. hey, Don. I hope you like sushi.

/ɡaɪz/ /hoʊp/ /juː/ /laɪk/

How cool is that Don makes do sushi? He learned while on assignment in Japan.

/haʊ/ /kuːl/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /duː/ /hiː/ /lɜːrnd/ /waɪl/ /ɒn/ /əˈsaɪnmənt/

Mmm. Ring wormalicious.

/rɪŋ/

Barney, be nice. You only want her because you can't have her.

/biː/ /naɪs/ /juː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /wɒnt/ /hɜːr/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /hæv/ /hɜːr/

It's like if I said "You can sit anywhere in this room except...

/laɪk/ /ɪf/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /kæn/ /sɪt/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/ /ruːm/ /ɪkˈsɛpt/

that chair."

/ðæt/ /tʃɛr/

- Are you so petty that... - My chair! My chair!

/juː/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /tʃɛr/ /maɪ/ /tʃɛr/

Oh, spicy tuna with halopania (?)? My favorite.

/ˈspaɪsi/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/

Mine too. I love spicy food.

/maɪn/ /lʌv/ /ˈspaɪsi/ /fuːd/

- The hotter, the better. - I love spicy stuff too, guy.

/ˈhɒtər/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /lʌv/ /ˈspaɪsi/ /stʌf/ /ɡaɪ/

Probably more than you do.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /juː/ /duː/

Suck it.

/ɪt/

Mmm.

Super... hot.

/ˈsuːpər/ /hɒt/

I'm not feeling good.

/ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/

Hey, Lily.

You won't believe it. It's the craziest thing. Don has twin beds too,

/juː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ɪt/ /θɪŋ/ /hæz/ /twɪn/

Oh my God! We just got twin beds.

/maɪ/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /twɪn/

Oh, oh. Great. Great.

/ɡreɪt/ /ɡreɪt/

Oh, wait. That "great" didn't sound so great.

/weɪt/ /ðæt/ /ɡreɪt/ /saʊnd/ /ɡreɪt/

Well my ex wife and I thought it would be a good idea

/wɛl/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/ /ænd/ /θɔːt/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ɡʊd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

But we just started to drift apart.

/bʌt/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/

Yeah, but I bet you didn't have another bed just for sex.

/bʌt/ /bɛt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /əˈnʌðər/ /bɛd/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /sɛks/

No, but she did, at her personal trainer's house.

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /ʃiː/ /dɪd/ /hɜːr/ /ˈpɜːrsənl/ /haʊs/

This chili is like an ice cube in my mouth.

/ɪz/ /laɪk/ /aɪs/ /maɪ/ /maʊθ/

I will say this, though...

/wɪl/ /seɪ/ /ðoʊ/

I'm gonna get a king size bed if Robin decides to move in.

/ɡɛt/ /kɪŋ/ /saɪz/ /bɛd/ /ɪf/ /muːv/

Oh, I'd like that.

/laɪk/ /ðæt/

- If I move in. - If you move in.

/ɪf/ /muːv/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /muːv/

Hey, hey, hey, Tokyo Don...

You ever...

/juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Do this back in Japan?

/duː/ /bæk/

- Wasabi! - Barney, don't!

- Oh, my God, Barney! - Aaah!

/maɪ/

- Awesome! - Give him some milk.

/ˈɔːsəm/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /sʌm/ /mɪlk/

- Spit it out, spit it out! - Oh, we're out of milk.

/ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /aʊt/ /mɪlk/

But thanks for the reminder, Robin.

/bʌt/ /fɔːr/

Oh, you're sweet...

/swiːt/

Well, I hope you're happy.

/wɛl/ /hoʊp/ /ˈhæp.i/

Hey, I stand by what I did.

/stænd/ /wɒt/ /dɪd/

It was bold and romantic.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ænd/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

You soiled yourself from both ends of your body. You soiled yourself from both ends of your body.

/juː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /boʊθ/ /jʊr/ /ˈbɒdi/ /juː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /boʊθ/ /jʊr/ /ˈbɒdi/

Oh, come on. You have done tons of stupid stuff to impress Robin.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /hæv/ /dʌn/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /stʌf/

Yeah, I did, but I don't anymore, cause I'm over her.

/dɪd/ /bʌt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/ /kɔːz/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɜːr/

- Just like you are. - You are not over her.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /juː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɜːr/

You want her back just as much as I do, you just won't let yourself go there.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /hɜːr/ /bæk/ /dʒʌst/ /mʌtʃ/ /duː/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /ɡoʊ/ /ðɛr/

That is ridiculous and I'll tell you why.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ænd/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /waɪ/

For my biographer?

/fɔːr/ /maɪ/

Just, just focus on the letter, okay?

/dʒʌst/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈfoʊkəs/ /ɒn/ /ˈlɛt.ər/

Dear Ted, Robin is the perfect girl for you

/dɪər/ /ɪz/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

but she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship.

/bʌt/ /ʃiː/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

You need someone who wants to settle down.

/juː/ /niːd/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /huː/ /ˈsɛtl/ /daʊn/

So until Robin is ready for that next step,

/ənˈtɪl/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /nɛkst/ /stɛp/

she's not your girl.

/jʊr/ /ɡɜːrl/

Still, I'll always remember stealing her the blue French horn,

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /hɜːr/ /bluː/ /hɔːrn/

our first kiss, the look in her eye when she told me

/aʊər/ /fɜːrst/ /kɪs/ /lʊk/ /hɜːr/ /aɪ/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /toʊld/ /miː/

she loved me.

/ʃiː/ /lʌvd/ /miː/

Dammit. Now I want her back.

/naʊ/ /wɒnt/ /hɜːr/ /bæk/

So that night your uncle Barney and I sat down to have a calm, rational discussion

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ænd/ /sæt/ /daʊn/ /hæv/ /kɑːm/

about who deserved Robin more.

/əˈbaʊt/ /huː/ /mɔːr/

- No! - I stole her a blue French horn...

/noʊ/ /stoʊl/ /hɜːr/ /bluː/ /hɔːrn/

dated her for a year.

/ˈdeɪtɪd/ /hɜːr/ /fɔːr/ /jɪr/

I wanted her to be the mother of my children

/hɜːr/ /biː/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /maɪ/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/

and spend eternity in her arms.

/ænd/ /spɛnd/ /hɜːr/ /ɑːrmz/

She... I....

/ʃiː/

want to have sex with her at least one more time.

/wɒnt/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /liːst/ /mɔːr/ /taɪm/

- She is mine. - She's not yours.

/ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /maɪn/ /jɔːrz/

And she is not mine either. She's...

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /maɪn/ /ˈiː.ðər/

- Don's. - Right.

/raɪt/

- We gotta get rid of that guy. - Yeah.

/wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

- Yeah. - You know, figuratively.

/juː/ /noʊ/

- Of course. - Or literally.

/kɔːrs/

Oh my God, Ted, this is how it starts.

/maɪ/ /ɪz/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/

This is how it starts. I'm scared, Teddy, I'm scared, Teddy.

/ɪz/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/ /skɛrd/ /ˈtɛdi/ /skɛrd/ /ˈtɛdi/

- Two guys talking, two guys talking. - Okay.

/tuː/ /ɡaɪz/ /tuː/ /ɡaɪz/

Okay.

- Marshall, I'm worried. - Why?

/ˈwʌrid/ /waɪ/

I don't wanna get divorced.

/ɡɛt/ /dɪˈvɔːrst/

Oh, baby...

/ˈbeɪbi/

Baby...

/ˈbeɪbi/

That's Don. That's not us.

/ʌs/

Our new sleeping arrangement is only gonna bring us closer together.

/aʊər/ /njuː/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /brɪŋ/ /ʌs/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Now get out of my bed.

/naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /bɛd/

- Can we at least push them together? - Sure.

/kæn/ /wiː/ /liːst/ /pʊʃ/ /ðɛm/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /ʃʊr/

- Okay. - Oh, you meant the beds. I don't wanna do that.

/juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

- Why not? - Baby...

/waɪ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I love you more than life itself.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /laɪf/

But you're a million degrees.

/bʌt/ /ˈmɪljən/

Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly pee breaks aren't just steam.

/ˈɒnɪstli/ /sərˈpraɪzd/ /jʊr/ /piː/ /dʒʌst/ /stiːm/

Well, you're no picnic in bed either.

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /bɛd/ /ˈiː.ðər/

Oh, except for the food and the ants. But...

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /fɔːr/ /fuːd/ /ænd/ /bʌt/

Well, I still want to be next to you.

/wɛl/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /nɛkst/ /juː/

Why? So you can kick me and slap me all night?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /kæn/ /kɪk/ /miː/ /ænd/ /miː/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

I swear to God, the second you fall asleep is like you grow extra limbs.

/swɛər/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /juː/ /fɔːl/ /əˈsliːp/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /ɡroʊ/ /ˈɛkstrə/

It's like spooning with a Hindu Didi Ganesh.

/laɪk/ /wɪð/

Wanna push them together?

/pʊʃ/ /ðɛm/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

- We're still talking about the beds? - Nope. - Get over here.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɪr/

- Robin Stinson. - Robin Mosby. - Robin Stinson. - Robin Mosby.

- Robin Stinson. - Ted Scherbatzky. I'll take her name.

/teɪk/ /hɜːr/ /neɪm/

- I don't care. - Okay. Wait.

/kɛr/ /weɪt/

How about this? How about this? We share her.

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wiː/ /ʃɛr/ /hɜːr/

I'll take her until she's forty and then you can have her after that.

/teɪk/ /hɜːr/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /juː/ /kæn/ /hæv/ /hɜːr/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/

Who are we kidding, who are we kidding? She's with Don now,

/huː/ /wiː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /huː/ /wiː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /naʊ/

We just have to accept that

/wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /əkˈsɛpt/ /ðæt/

- and move on. - You're right.

/ænd/ /muːv/ /ɒn/ /raɪt/

I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to the bath...

/ɡoʊ/ /bæθ/

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈbæθruːm/

And then I'll skip out...

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /skɪp/ /aʊt/

Hello?

Hey, Robin, it's Barndoor.

Guess what. I'm open.

/ɡɛs/ /wɒt/ /ˈoʊ.pən/

Hey, Barndoor. Hang on. I'm getting another call.

/ɒn/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /əˈnʌðər/ /kɔːl/

- Hello? - Hey, Robin.

Teddy bear. Need a little honey?

/ˈtɛdi/ /bɛr/ /niːd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈhʌni/

- No. Ted, hang on. - Okay.

/noʊ/ /ɒn/

Hey, Barney, I...I'm gonna have to call you back.

/hæv/ /kɔːl/ /juː/ /bæk/

Ted's on the other line and I... I think he's in trouble.

/ɒn/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /laɪn/ /ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈtrʌbəl/

Ted's calling you? Oh, he's in trouble alright.

/ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /juː/ /ˈtrʌbəl/

Ted, what's up?

/ʌp/

You've pretty hair. That's what's up.

/ˈprɪti/ /hɛr/ /ʌp/

And down your back.

/ænd/ /daʊn/ /jʊr/ /bæk/

Well, we almost let that get out of control.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /lɛt/ /ðæt/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /kənˈtroʊl/

Agreed.

I'm gonna get out of here before we do something we regret.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /wiː/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/

Robin! Robin!

Robin, I love you!

/lʌv/ /juː/

- You son of a bitch. - Robin!

/juː/ /sʌn/

Robin! Robin!

I brought you the blue French horn.

/juː/ /bluː/ /hɔːrn/

I brought you the blue French horn, Robin!

/juː/ /bluː/ /hɔːrn/

Ted is just holding it for me. Sorry, buddy, I was there.

/ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈbʌdi/ /wɒz/ /ðɛr/

Oh God, guys...What are you doing?

/ɡaɪz/ /wɒt/ /juː/

Robin, I want you back!

/wɒnt/ /juː/ /bæk/

Hey, guys, why won't you come upstairs?

/ɡaɪz/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /kʌm/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/

Oh, hey!

Alright! Don...

Let's settle this!

/ˈsɛtl/

- You, me and Ted. - Yeah, a 3-way.

/juː/ /miː/ /ænd/ /weɪ/

Look, guys, Robin and I have to do our show, so why don't you have a sit on the couch...

/lʊk/ /ɡaɪz/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /duː/ /aʊər/ /ʃoʊ/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /sɪt/ /ɒn/ /kaʊtʃ/

Watch some television and we'll talk about this when we get back, okay?

/wɒtʃ/ /sʌm/ /ænd/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/

Oh, you gave up easy. game, set...

/juː/ /ɡeɪv/ /ʌp/ /ˈiː.zi/ /ɡeɪm/ /sɛt/

Match!

/mætʃ/

Winner wins a chicken dinner....

/ˈtʃɪkɪn/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Where's...

Where's this TV you've been bragging about?

/əˈbaʊt/

It's right here.

/raɪt/ /hɪr/

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

/ˈwɛlkəm/

- Good night, boys. - Night night, papa.

/ɡʊd/ /naɪt/ /bɔɪz/ /naɪt/ /naɪt/ /ˈpɑːpə/

- That was nice. - Yeah.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /naɪs/

Well, you got to go.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

What?

/wɒt/

Oh, I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

That was a blast. And you're great.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ænd/ /ɡreɪt/

I have to be up early, so...

/hæv/ /biː/ /ʌp/ /ˈɜːr.li/

You're just kicking me out?

/dʒʌst/ /miː/ /aʊt/

You knew what this was.

/juː/ /njuː/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/

Lily, Lily, wait. Lily, Lily, khoan

/weɪt/

Don't forget your sweatshirt. Nice try.

/fərˈɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /naɪs/ /traɪ/

- Teddy bear, Barndoor. - Papa?

/ˈtɛdi/ /bɛr/ /ˈpɑːpə/

Rise and shine, jackasses.

/raɪz/ /ænd/

So do you guys remember anything from last night?

/duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Yeah...

Boy, was Ted drunk. Embarrassing!

/bɔɪ/ /wɒz/ /drʌŋk/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

I'm really sorry. We both are.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /wiː/ /boʊθ/

We were drunk and stupid, but...

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /drʌŋk/ /ænd/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /bʌt/

We're gonna do anything we can to make sure that Don feels a part of the group.

/duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /ðæt/ /fiːlz/ /pɑːrt/ /ɡruːp/

Don's not gonna be a part of the group.

/biː/ /pɑːrt/ /ɡruːp/

And neither am I.

/ænd/

At least for a while.

/liːst/ /fɔːr/ /waɪl/

Guys, this thing with Don is real.

/ɡaɪz/ /θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ɪz/ /riːl/

And I wanna see where it goes.

/ænd/ /siː/ /wɛr/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊz/

And I'll never be able to do that

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /duː/ /ðæt/

if I keep hanging our with my ex-boyfriends all the time.

/ɪf/ /kiːp/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊər/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

It just won't work.

/ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /wɜːrk/

I'm moving in with Don.

/wɪð/

* It should be boredom by now... * * It should be boredom by now... *

/ɪt/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /naʊ/ /ɪt/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /naʊ/

* I know the tricks... * * I know the tricks... *

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

So, what's going on with Robin?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /wɪð/

You were right. She was just mad.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /mæd/

It's been four days and she hasn't said another word about moving out

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /sɛd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /wɜːrd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊt/

But listen...

/bʌt/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

We can never pull crap like that ever again.

/wiː/ /kæn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /pʊl/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /əˈɡɛn/

Agreed.

In fact I even wrote myself another letter.

/fækt/ /ˈiːvən/ /roʊt/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈlɛt.ər/

Dear future Barney,

/dɪər/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

You think you want Robin back again but you really don't.

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /bæk/ /əˈɡɛn/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Let her go.

/lɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ɡoʊ/

Sincerely, past Barney.

/pæst/

- Let me see that. - Hey, hey, give it to me.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /siː/ /ðæt/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /miː/

P.S. That top part was just for Ted. Did he buy it? good.

/ðæt/ /tɒp/ /pɑːrt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /dɪd/ /hiː/ /baɪ/ /ɪt/ /ɡʊd/

Now get back together with Robin, but don't mention your plan to Ted

/naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /wɪð/ /bʌt/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /jʊr/ /plæn/

cause he'll just screw it up again.

/kɔːz/ /dʒʌst/ /skruː/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /əˈɡɛn/

And then there's more drawings of boobs.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /mɔːr/

Okay, okay. In my defense,

/maɪ/

- How great are boobs? - They're pretty great.

/haʊ/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡreɪt/

- They're pretty great. - So...

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡreɪt/

* I go for it every time * * I go for it every time *

/ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/

Robin! Robin!

* Just like a heavy drinker...* * Just like a heavy drinker...*

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ˈhɛvi/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ˈhɛvi/

* I go for it every time... Hook, line and sinker * * I go for it every time... Hook, line and sinker *

/ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /laɪn/ /ænd/ /ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /laɪn/ /ænd/