Season 5 · Tập 3

Kids, your uncle Barney had been called

/kɪdz/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /hæd/

a lot of names over the years.

/lɒt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Jerk!

/dʒɜːrk/

Bastard!

Barack Obama Jr?! Barack Obama Jr.?!

Mm-hmm.

And yes... we can.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /kæn/

But there's one name none of us

/bʌt/ /neɪm/ /nʌn/ /ʌs/

ever expected to hear him called.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /hɪr/ /hɪm/

Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend.

/ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

I've said it, like, a hundred times

/sɛd/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ˈhʌndrəd/ /taɪmz/

it still sounds weird to say.

/ɪt/ /seɪ/

Well, anything sounds weird if you say it a hundred times.

/wɛl/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /ˈhʌndrəd/ /taɪmz/

Bowl.

/boʊl/

Bowl.

/boʊl/

Bowl.

/boʊl/

But other than that, things are good? Bowl.

/bʌt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ðæn/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋz/ /ɡʊd/ /boʊl/

Bowl. I don't know.

/boʊl/ /noʊ/

I think Barney's been single for too long. Bowl.

/θɪŋk/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /boʊl/

Like, the other night, I wake up at 4:00 a.m.-- Bowl.

/laɪk/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /naɪt/ /weɪk/ /ʌp/ /boʊl/

Barney, are you awake?

/juː/ /əˈweɪk/

Barney? Barney?

Barney. Barney.

This is not a one-night stand.

/ɪz/ /stænd/

We're dating. Come back to bed.

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /kʌm/ /bæk/ /bɛd/

Bowl. That's happened three times.

/boʊl/ /ˈhæpənd/ /θriː/ /taɪmz/

Bowl. And it's not just that, it's other things.

/boʊl/ /ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /θɪŋz/

Hey. What's wrong?

/rɒŋ/

It was just one thing after another

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /əˈnʌðər/

at work today, and then...

/wɜːrk/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/

I found out my aunt's in the hospital.

/aʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/

I'm just, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just...

/dʒʌst/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /ænd/ /dʒʌst/

Shh, shh, shh.

What you need to do is talk through this stuff.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /niːd/ /duː/ /ɪz/ /tɔːk/ /θruː/ /stʌf/

Oh, thanks.

And then, once you're off the phone with Lily,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wʌns/ /ɒf/ /foʊn/ /wɪð/

I'll be down in the bar ready to have sex.

/biː/ /daʊn/ /bɑːr/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

Mm-kay?

Bowl.

/boʊl/

Look, I'm not the touchy-feely-est

/lʊk/

person in the world, but...

/ˈpɜːrsən/ /wɜːrld/ /bʌt/

a little more effort would be nice.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /naɪs/

Bowl. Bowl. I understand.

/boʊl/ /boʊl/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

Bowl. I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up.

/boʊl/ /ɡɛs/ /lɒt/ /weɪz/ /ʌp/

Bowl. Bowl. I mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends.

/boʊl/ /boʊl/ /miːn/ /hæd/ /sʌm/ /ˈprɪti/

Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl.

/boʊl/ /boʊl/ /boʊl/ /boʊl/

No, that's not it. Bowl.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /boʊl/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

Maybe he just doesn't have it in him.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /ɪt/ /hɪm/

Maybe is whole thing's a big mistake.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ɪz/ /hoʊl/ /bɪɡ/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

Bowl?

/boʊl/

She really said that?

/ʃiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/

And she meant it.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /ɪt/

Trust me. I dated

/trʌst/ /miː/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/

Robin for a year-- if you don't want to lose her,

/fɔːr/ /jɪr/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /luːz/ /hɜːr/

you gotta try a little harder.

/juː/ /traɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Be more attentive

/biː/ /mɔːr/

to where she is emotionally.

/wɛr/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/

You know, just be present.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /ˈprɛz.ənt/

Yes, totally. Yeah.

/ˈtoʊtəli/

Only thing, and this is just me--

/ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/ /ænd/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /miː/

Mm-hmm.

I like my testicles attached to my body,

/laɪk/ /maɪ/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɒdi/

rather than rolling around

/ˈrɑːðər/ /ðæn/ /əˈraʊnd/

next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.

/nɛkst/ /sʌm/

Stinson out!

/aʊt/

But then a funny thing happened.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/

Over the next couple weeks, Barney was thoughtful,

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /nɛkst/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /wɒz/

considerate...

sweet.

/swiːt/

In short, the perfect boyfriend.

/ʃɔːrt/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

Which, to Robin, meant only one thing.

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/

He's cheating on me. What?!

/ˈtʃiːtɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /miː/ /wɒt/

Why else would he buy me flowers?

/waɪ/ /ɛls/ /wʊd/ /hiː/ /baɪ/ /miː/ /ˈflaʊərz/

He's gettin' some on the side.

/sʌm/ /ɒn/ /saɪd/

Oh, come on, Robin.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Barney's not the type of guy who would... Go on.

/taɪp/ /ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /wʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/

Plus, he keeps saying he's working late.

/plʌs/ /hiː/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /leɪt/

But when I call his office, they say he left hours ago.

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /kɔːl/ /hɪz/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /ðeɪ/ /seɪ/ /hiː/ /lɛft/ /ˈaʊərz/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /pruːv/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Yes. Proof. Go word.

/ɡoʊ/ /wɜːrd/

I'm glad you brought that up.

/ɡlæd/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /ʌp/

Barney's briefcase.

He forgot it here this morning.

/hiː/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /ɪt/ /hɪr/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

And what do you plan on doing with it?

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /plæn/ /ɒn/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

We, we-- you and I--

/wiː/ /wiː/ /juː/ /ænd/

are going to open it up and look for evidence.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /lʊk/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛvɪdəns/

Ted probably has a sledgehammer around here somewhere.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /hæz/ /əˈraʊnd/ /hɪr/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/

No! Stop!

/noʊ/ /stɒp/

Stop! Eye contact.

/stɒp/ /aɪ/ /ˈkɒntækt/

Listen to me.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /miː/

Robin Scherbatsky is many things:

/ɪz/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /θɪŋz/

friend, confidant,

/frɛnd/

occasional guest star in some confusing dreams

/stɑːr/ /sʌm/ /driːmz/

that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target.

/ðæt/ /rɪˈmaɪnd/ /miː/ /ɪz/

But she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch.

/bʌt/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ˈdʒɛləs/

Let go.

/lɛt/ /ɡoʊ/

Hey, I've been down in the basement

/daʊn/ /ˈbeɪsmənt/

storage area going through all the stuff that

/ˈɛriə/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /ɔːl/ /stʌf/ /ðæt/

Lily and I left behind when we moved out. I'm Robin.

/ænd/ /lɛft/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /aʊt/

We should've cleared it out for you much sooner.

/wiː/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/

There's a basement storage area?

/ˈbeɪsmənt/ /ˈɛriə/

Oh, you're not upset. Good.

/ʌpˈsɛt/ /ɡʊd/

Baby, guess what I found.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/

Oh, that's great, honey.

/ɡreɪt/ /ˈhʌni/

What the hell is that?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Marshall got it in college.

/ɪt/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

He used it as a nightstand for years.

/hiː/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/

Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin

/ənˈtɪl/ /wiː/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/

Barrel resin? Just go with it.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

So you need a hand throwing it out?

/juː/ /niːd/ /hænd/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

No, I'm not...

/noʊ/

I'm not just going to throw her out, okay?

/dʒʌst/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θroʊ/ /hɜːr/ /aʊt/

Mabel's like family.

/laɪk/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

So, um, what are you going to do with Mabel?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /wɪð/

I want to give her away, um, to a lucky new owner.

/wɒnt/ /ɡɪv/ /hɜːr/ /əˈweɪ/ /ˈlʌki/ /njuː/

Do you know anyone?

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

Yeah, hmm, let me think.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /θɪŋk/

Do I know any rodeo clowns?

/duː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛn.i/

Oh, that's weird, I do.

/duː/

But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess.

/bʌt/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɡoʊ/ /nɪər/ /ðæt/ /mɛs/

Well, he's not going to have the chance,

/wɛl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hæv/ /tʃæns/

because I am putting old Mabel

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /oʊld/

in the Bermuda Triangle.

"The Bermuda Triangle" was the name we'd given

/wɒz/ /neɪm/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/

years earlier to the curb right in front of our building.

/ˈɜːrliər/ /raɪt/ /aʊər/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Whenever we wanted to give something away,

/wiː/ /ɡɪv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /əˈweɪ/

we'd put it right there.

/pʊt/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/

It was uncanny.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

This is so exciting.

/ɪz/ /ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ/

Right now there's some out there who has no idea

/raɪt/ /naʊ/ /sʌm/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /huː/ /hæz/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

that tonight they're going home with just...

/ðæt/ /təˈnaɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hoʊm/ /wɪð/ /dʒʌst/

just the best barrel.

/dʒʌst/ /bɛst/

Well, let's just hope they're not allergic

/wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /hoʊp/

to barrel sin like Lily here.

/laɪk/ /hɪr/

Be cool, baby. Damn!

/biː/ /kuːl/ /ˈbeɪbi/

See you, sweetie. Good luck.

/siː/ /juː/ /ˈswiːti/ /ɡʊd/ /lʌk/

Bye, babe.

/baɪ/ /beɪb/

Now, can we please

/naʊ/ /kæn/ /wiː/ /pliːz/

get out of here? Yeah. I'll grab my coat.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/ /ɡræb/ /maɪ/ /koʊt/

Oops.

A college notebook?!

/ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

Oh, my God, he's cheating on me

/maɪ/ /ˈtʃiːtɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /miː/

with some college girl.

/wɪð/ /sʌm/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ /ɡɜːrl/

I knew there was a skank

/njuː/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/

but I thought she'd at least be dumb.

/bʌt/ /θɔːt/ /liːst/ /biː/

"Birthday: July 23.

/ˈbɜːrθdeɪ/

the Vancouver Canucks.

Age: 29, but tells people that she's 26."

/eɪdʒ/ /bʌt/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ðæt/

Oh, my God, these are notes

/maɪ/ /ðiːz/

about me.

/əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

Or some 29-year-old version of me.

/sʌm/ /ˈvɜːrʒən/ /miː/

I hope I'm not too late!

/hoʊp/ /leɪt/

I want to see the look of joy on the new owner's face!

/wɒnt/ /siː/ /lʊk/ /ɒn/ /njuː/ /feɪs/

She's still there!

/ðɛr/

Okay Mabel, let's find you a new home.

/faɪnd/ /juː/ /njuː/ /hoʊm/

Here comes a guy!

/hɪr/ /ɡaɪ/

And he... he just walked, walked right on by it.

/ænd/ /hiː/ /hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /raɪt/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

He's probably rushing home to get a handcart or something.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /hoʊm/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Yeah! Hey, better hurry up, pal.

/ˈbɛt.ər/ /ˈhʌri/ /ʌp/

What are you guys doing

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

with Barney's secret Robin notebook?

/wɪð/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

Let me rephrase that.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /ðæt/

Did you two ladies lose some weight?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /tuː/ /luːz/ /sʌm/

What do you know about this, Marshall?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Why would Barney

/waɪ/ /wʊd/

have a notebook full of information about me?

/hæv/ /fʊl/ /ˌɪn.fərˈmeɪ.ʃən/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

Well...

/wɛl/

The truth was...

/truːθ/ /wɒz/

Barney was taking a night school class taught...

/wɒz/ /naɪt/ /skuːl/ /klæs/ /tɔːt/

by me.

/miː/

Welcome to Robin 101.

/ˈwɛlkəm/

Why is Ted teaching a class about me?

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /klæs/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

It all started a few weeks ago.

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /fjuː/ /əˈɡoʊ/

...rather than rolling around

/ˈrɑːðər/ /ðæn/ /əˈraʊnd/

next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.

/nɛkst/ /sʌm/

Stinson out!

/aʊt/

Stinson back in.

/bæk/

Say, hypothetically, did want to change who I am

/seɪ/ /dɪd/ /wɒnt/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /huː/

to become a better boyfriend to Robin, which I do not!

/bɪˈkʌm/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /wɪtʃ/ /duː/

What kind of changes are we talking about?

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /wiː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Why, I mean, there's just so much

/waɪ/ /miːn/ /dʒʌst/ /mʌtʃ/

you need to know about her.

/juː/ /niːd/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/

Okay, for starters,

/fɔːr/

don't ever cry in front her.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /kraɪ/ /hɜːr/

Okay.

And whatever you do,

/ænd/ /juː/ /duː/

don't cry in front of her four times.

/kraɪ/ /hɜːr/ /taɪmz/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

What you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Fantasy football. Fantasy football.

/ˈfʊtbɔːl/ /ˈfʊtbɔːl/

They realized they couldn't talk about

/ðeɪ/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ðeɪ/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

this stuff at the bar, and

/stʌf/ /bɑːr/ /ænd/

since you live with Ted,

/sɪns/ /juː/ /lɪv/ /wɪð/

they had to find someplace safe.

/ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /faɪnd/ /seɪf/

So... Ted's classroom.

/ˈklæsruːm/

"How To Date Robin Scherbatsky."

/haʊ/ /deɪt/

Lesson one.

/ˈlɛs.ən/

Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior,

/naʊ/ /ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /ʃiː/ /ʌp/ /ɪkˈstɪəriər/

what Robin really wants, deep down...

/wɒt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /diːp/ /daʊn/

I'm bored.

/bɔːrd/

You said you wanted my help.

/juː/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /hɛlp/

Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /drɔː/ /ɒn/

We did that ready.

/wiː/ /dɪd/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɛd.i/

No, like, really big boobs.

/noʊ/ /laɪk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bɪɡ/

No. Look, I need this, too.

/noʊ/ /lʊk/ /niːd/

I've only been a professor a few weeks.

/ˈoʊnli/ /prəˈfɛsər/ /fjuː/

Being up here, it's, it's good practice for me.

/ʌp/ /hɪr/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Can we have class outside?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /klæs/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

No! What Robin really wants deep down...

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /diːp/ /daʊn/

Barney! What?

/wɒt/

I'm tweeting about you.

/əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

You should be flattered.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/

How do you spell blah-blah-blah-- "H's" or no?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Wow, you were just,

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /dʒʌst/

like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?

/laɪk/ /wɜːrst/ /ˈstuː.dənt/ /wɜːrld/ /juː/

They said I had A-D... something.

/ðeɪ/ /sɛd/ /hæd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Can we have class outside?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /klæs/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

Barney, I'm only gonna say this once,

/ˈoʊnli/ /seɪ/ /wʌns/

so listen up.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /ʌp/

I love you and I love Robin.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /ænd/ /lʌv/

And I want to make this work.

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /meɪk/ /wɜːrk/

So if you give me a few weeks of attention,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /fjuː/

I could give you a lifetime of happiness.

/kʊd/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/

Can you do that for me?

/kæn/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /spɔːrts/

for 70% off the cover price?

/fɔːr/ /ɒf/ /ˈkʌvər/ /praɪs/

Can we have class outside?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /klæs/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

I got to find a way to reach this kid.

/faɪnd/ /weɪ/ /riːtʃ/ /kɪd/

"Class number two."

/klæs/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /tuː/

"Top Ten Robin Scherbatsky

/tɒp/ /tɛn/

Facial Expressions And Their Meaning."

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /ˈmiː.nɪŋ/

Now, notice the vacant eyes,

/naʊ/ /ˈnoʊtɪs/ /aɪz/

the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea.

What do these mean?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /ðiːz/ /miːn/

You guys just had sex? Oh!

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /sɛks/

Wasn't me.

/miː/

Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay?

/wɜːrkt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɑːrd/ /ɒn/ /ðiːz/

Can we just... Okay.

/kæn/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/

This look is hunger.

/lʊk/ /ɪz/

If you ever see Robin looking like this,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /siː/ /laɪk/

get some food in her quick,

/ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /fuːd/ /hɜːr/ /kwɪk/

Or one of two things will happen.

/tuː/ /θɪŋz/ /wɪl/ /ˈhæpən/

One: weird, out-of-context laughter

Or two: spontaneously falling to sleep in strange places.

/tuː/ /sliːp/ /streɪndʒ/

But the most important facial expression of all?

/bʌt/ /moʊst/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ɔːl/

That's a building.

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Oh...

That's for my class.

/fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /klæs/

The Flatiron Building.

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Fun story about it.

/fʌn/ /ˈstɔːri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

It was designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

in the beaux arts style; this architectural gem

/staɪl/

Right.

/raɪt/

The most important facial expression of all.

/moʊst/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ɔːl/

Whoa...

Flared nostril ridges.

Wide, unblinking eyes.

/waɪd/ /aɪz/

If you ever,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

ever see this face, Barney,

/ˈɛv.ər/ /siː/ /feɪs/

run.

/rʌn/

And don't take a picture of it.

/ænd/ /teɪk/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /ɪt/

She will punch you.

/ʃiː/ /wɪl/ /pʌntʃ/ /juː/

And you will cry...

/ænd/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /kraɪ/

for the third time...

/fɔːr/ /taɪm/

that night.

/ðæt/ /naɪt/

Which brings us to an important point:

/wɪtʃ/ /brɪŋz/ /ʌs/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /pɔɪnt/

defusing the bomb.

"Defusing the bomb"?

What does that even mean?

/wɒt/ /dʌz/ /ðæt/ /ˈiːvən/ /miːn/

"Three Topics To Distract Robin

/θriː/

From Being Mad At You."

/mæd/ /juː/

"Distract" me? Oh, that is so condescending.

/miː/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

These guys are really starting to piss me off!

/ðiːz/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /miː/ /ɒf/

"Immediately switch the conversation To one of the following,

/swɪtʃ/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

"unless you want

/ənˈlɛs/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

Robin to start throwing her shoes."

/stɑːrt/ /hɜːr/ /ʃuːz/

One.

"Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title."

What?!

/wɒt/

That's not distracting.

That's just talking about the story

/dʒʌst/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈstɔːri/

Of a scrappy little underdog team

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /tiːm/

that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending

/ðæt/ /ˈvɛr.i/

and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.

/ænd/

Two: "Proper Gun Cleaning and Maintenance."

/tuː/ /ɡʌn/ /ænd/

You have to clean your gun

/juː/ /hæv/ /kliːn/ /jʊr/ /ɡʌn/

My uncle had a filthy old shotgun,

/maɪ/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /hæd/ /oʊld/

blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver.

/boʊθ/ /hɪz/ /ɒf/ /ʃuːt/

You want to distract someone,

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.

/meɪk/ /ðɛm/ /wɒtʃ/ /maɪ/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /traɪ/ /iːt/ /ɒn/

Three: "Emperor Penguins."

/θriː/

Did you know that before intercourse,

/dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other?

/meɪl/ /ænd/ /ˈfiːmeɪl/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Mr. Penguin.

Mrs. Penguin.

/ˈmɪsɪz/

Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy.

/ˈsɪli/ /ˈæktɪŋ/ /ɔːl/

What were we talking about?

/wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /wiː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Uh-oh. Looks like we got a taker.

/laɪk/ /wiː/

Oh, come on, dude.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

You know you want to

/juː/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

A guy like you, beard, no mustache.

/ɡaɪ/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /noʊ/

You're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /kaɪnd/ /ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /kʊd/ /juːz/ /swiːt/

Do it.

/duː/ /ɪt/

No. No. That's not a fire hydrant!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /faɪər/

What... For shame, Sir. For shame!

/wɒt/ /fɔːr/ /ʃeɪm/ /sɜːr/ /fɔːr/ /ʃeɪm/

I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache if you wanted to.

/bɛt/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɡroʊ/ /ɪf/ /juː/

Neither can you, sweetie.

/kæn/ /juː/ /ˈswiːti/

Well, he doesn't know that, baby! God!

/wɛl/ /hiː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Ted's only teaching Barney horrible things about me.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/ /θɪŋz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

I don't know. Check this out.

/noʊ/ /tʃɛk/ /aʊt/

This is actually kind of sweet.

/ɪz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /kaɪnd/ /swiːt/

Now, we all know Robin's not

/naʊ/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/

what you'd call "touchy-feely."

/wɒt/ /kɔːl/

She doesn't say, "I love you," like a normal person.

/ʃiː/ /seɪ/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /ˈnɔːrməl/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head,

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /læf/ /hɜːr/ /hɛd/

give you a little smile and say, "You're an idiot."

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /smaɪl/ /ænd/ /seɪ/ /ˈɪdiət/

"You're an idiot"?

/ˈɪdiət/

Yup.

If she tells you you're an idiot, you're a lucky man.

/ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /juː/ /ˈɪdiət/ /ˈlʌki/ /mæn/

And if she does say

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /dʌz/ /seɪ/

"I love you,"

/lʌv/ /juː/

she's already broken up with you in her mind.

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /hɜːr/ /maɪnd/

I think 's nice that Ted knows you that well.

/θɪŋk/ /naɪs/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /wɛl/

Ah, well, too bad it's next to a page entitled...

/wɛl/ /bæd/ /nɛkst/

"Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones."

/sərˈpraɪzɪŋ/

Right knee-- ticklish.

/raɪt/

Left knee...

/lɛft/

Does lefty like that?

/dʌz/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Oh, yeah... lefty like that.

/laɪk/ /ðæt/

I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ˈsɛkʃuəl/ /ədˈvaɪs/

That's like taking fashion advice from...

/laɪk/ /ədˈvaɪs/

well, Ted Mosby. Ted Mosby.

/wɛl/

Oh, here's a good one.

/ɡʊd/

"Top Five Things Never to Do Around Robin."

/tɒp/ /faɪv/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/ /əˈraʊnd/

Three: "Never, ever

/θriː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/

play the 'Guess Who' game with her."

/pleɪ/ /ɡɛs/ /huː/ /ɡeɪm/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

What do you mean?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

Guess who?

/ɡɛs/ /huː/

It's me! It's me! It's me!

/miː/ /miː/ /miː/

Number four: "Unless you want to see it 80 times a day,

/ˈnʌmbər/ /ənˈlɛs/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /ɪt/ /taɪmz/ /deɪ/

for the next month, never show Robin a YouTube clip

/fɔːr/ /nɛkst/ /mʌnθ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ʃoʊ/

of an animal playing a musical instrument."

/ˈænɪməl/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /ˈɪnstrʊmənt/

Barney! Barney!

Do you have a problem with this class?

/duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /wɪð/ /klæs/

Yeah, it's boring as hell and I'm not learning anything.

/ˈbɔːrɪŋ/ /ænd/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Uh, well, maybe the problem is your attitude.

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈætɪtjuːd/

You're not listening to a word I say.

/ˈlɪsənɪŋ/ /wɜːrd/ /seɪ/

Uh-huh. Uh, can you hear this, Professor?

/kæn/ /juː/ /hɪr/ /prəˈfɛsər/

Or should I turn it up for you?

/ʃʊd/ /tɜːrn/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

It may not have been a thumbs-up, kids.

/ɪt/ /meɪ/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

Oh, you think you're not learning anything, huh?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Okay.

Pop quiz.

/pɒp/ /kwɪz/

What...

/wɒt/

When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?

/wɛn/ /wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈtʃɒklɪt/ /ʃʊd/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/

Trick question. Get her butterscotch.

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/

Correct! Why?

/kəˈrɛkt/ /waɪ/

Butterscotch is to Canadian women

/ɪz/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

what chocolate is to American women.

/wɒt/ /ˈtʃɒklɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

Correct!

/kəˈrɛkt/

What is Robin's dream job?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /driːm/ /dʒɒb/

To become the most successful

/bɪˈkʌm/ /moʊst/

female TV journalist of all time.

/ˈfiːmeɪl/ /ˈdʒɜːnəlɪst/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Correct! And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?

/kəˈrɛkt/ /ænd/ /ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /ðæt/ /wɪl/ /ʃiː/ /ˈtruːli/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/

No! Robin's deep-seated need for attention can traced back

/noʊ/ /niːd/ /fɔːr/ /kæn/ /bæk/

to her father's emotional distance,

/hɜːr/ /ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/

and no amount of success will ever make up

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /wɪl/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/

for what she truly needs, which is six simple words

/fɔːr/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /ˈtruːli/ /wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /sɪks/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/ /wɜːrdz/

from her Dad: "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?"

/hɜːr/ /dæd/ /praʊd/ /juː/

Yes!

But I guess you're right.

/bʌt/ /ɡɛs/ /raɪt/

You haven't learned anything.

/juː/ /lɜːrnd/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Sorry to have wasted your time.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hæv/ /jʊr/ /taɪm/

"Oh, Captain! My Captain!"

/ˈkæptɪn/ /maɪ/ /ˈkæptɪn/

How good was Dead Poet's Society?

/haʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /wɒz/ /dɛd/

I know, right? The end? Tears.

/noʊ/ /raɪt/ /ɛnd/

Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life

/kæn/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /niːd/ /laɪf/

not to have my father to say, "I am proud of you, eh?"

/hæv/ /maɪ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /seɪ/ /praʊd/ /juː/

I'm not crying.

/ˈkraɪɪŋ/

Oh, sweetie.

/ˈswiːti/

Can I get you some butterscotch?

/kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/ /sʌm/

Oh, stop it.

/stɒp/ /ɪt/

Wait a second.

/weɪt/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

It says here that the class meets at 6:15 on Tuesday.

/ɪt/ /hɪr/ /ðæt/ /klæs/ /ɒn/

So? That's right now.

/raɪt/ /naʊ/

Now, as you can see, well over 50% of the blankets

/naʊ/ /juː/ /kæn/ /siː/ /wɛl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

have been dragged onto her side.

/hæv/ /hɜːr/ /saɪd/

Make no mistake.

/meɪk/ /noʊ/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

Robin Scherbatsky is a classic, textbook...

/ɪz/ /ˈklæsɪk/ /ˈtɛkstbʊk/

cover hog.

/ˈkʌvər/

Any questions?

/ˈɛn.i/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Yeah, I have one.

/hæv/

Yes, Robin?

Flared nostril ridges.

Wide, unblinking eyes.

/waɪd/ /aɪz/

Uh-oh. I got this.

So, emperor penguins-- crazy, huh?

/ˈkreɪzi/

What the hell do you two think you're doing?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /tuː/ /θɪŋk/

Marshall, did you sells out?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /aʊt/

I said good-bye to a very dear friend today.

/sɛd/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /dɪər/ /frɛnd/ /təˈdeɪ/

Dude, it's a barrel!

Aw! You're giving Mabel away?

/ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /əˈweɪ/

I have so many questions.

/hæv/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Why would you do this?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /duː/

What were you thinking?

/wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /juː/

Who the hell is that guy?

/huː/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

Oh, that's Shin-Ya.

He's sort of been auditing the class.

/sɔːrt/ /klæs/

"Auditing"?

Well, tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class,

/wɛl/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/ /hɪm/ /ɪt/ /riːl/ /klæs/

but I don't think he speaks much English.

/bʌt/ /θɪŋk/ /hiː/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈɪŋ.ɡlɪʃ/

On the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you

/ɒn/ /braɪt/ /saɪd/ /hiː/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

during the role-playing exercises.

/ˈdʊərɪŋ/

Wait. You did role-playing exercises

/weɪt/ /juː/ /dɪd/

where I was played by Shin-Ya?

/wɛr/ /wɒz/

You know, I can't believe you, Ted.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /bɪˈliːv/ /juː/

You actually think you're some kind of an expert on me?

/juː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /θɪŋk/ /sʌm/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈɛkspɜːrt/ /ɒn/ /miː/

Hey! He is an expert. He's a great teacher!

/hiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɛkspɜːrt/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈtiː.tʃər/

Kiss ass.

/kɪs/

You know, half the stuff

/juː/ /noʊ/ /hæf/ /stʌf/

in this notebook is patently wrong.

/ɪz/ /rɒŋ/

Uh, really? Name one wrong thing.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /neɪm/ /rɒŋ/ /θɪŋ/

"Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones"?

/sərˈpraɪzɪŋ/

Let me clear something up for you, Ted.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /klɪər/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Does lefty like that?

/dʌz/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Oh, uh, no.

/noʊ/

Um, the right one's ticklish, I guess.

/raɪt/ /ɡɛs/

But the left one, yeah, I'm glad you're back there.

/bʌt/ /lɛft/ /ɡlæd/ /bæk/ /ðɛr/

Because that is just some sweet, sweet lovin'.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /swiːt/ /swiːt/

Noted.

That was a lie?

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /laɪ/

We had just started dating. I was being nice.

/wiː/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /wɒz/ /naɪs/

And you.

/ænd/ /juː/

You know,

/juː/ /noʊ/

I got it into my head this week

/ɪt/ /maɪ/ /hɛd/ /wiːk/

that you were cheating on me.

/ðæt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈtʃiːtɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /miː/

I even broke open your briefcase to look for evidence.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /jʊr/ /lʊk/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛvɪdəns/

That is a huge violation of my privacy!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /hjuːdʒ/ /maɪ/

Go on.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/

You know, in a way, I was right.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/

You cheated.

/juː/ /ˈtʃiːtɪd/

You can't get some crib sheet on dating me.

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /miː/

That's not how it works. If we didn't figure out

/haʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrks/ /ɪf/ /wiː/ /aʊt/

how to be with each other in a real, honest way,

/haʊ/ /biː/ /wɪð/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /riːl/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /weɪ/

I don't see the point of even trying.

/siː/ /pɔɪnt/ /ˈiːvən/

What do you want?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

Look.

/lʊk/

All that stuff I told Barney...

/ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/ /toʊld/

It was personal between you and me.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈpɜːrsənl/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /juː/ /ænd/ /miː/

I'm really sorry.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsɒr.i/

I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.

/ɡɛs/ /haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /juː/

It's funny.

/ˈfʌn.i/

When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course

/wɛn/ /juː/ /deɪt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /laɪk/ /lɔːŋ/ /kɔːrs/

in who that person is and then, when you break up,

/huː/ /ðæt/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ɪz/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/

all that stuff becomes useless.

/ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/ /ˈjuːslɪs/

It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree.

/ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/ /ˈɪŋ.ɡlɪʃ/ /dɪˈɡriː/

I guess I just liked the idea

/ɡɛs/ /dʒʌst/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge

/ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /ˈnɒl.ɪdʒ/

to good use, you know?

/ɡʊd/ /juːz/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Well, since you know me pretty well...

/wɛl/ /sɪns/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /miː/ /ˈprɪti/ /wɛl/

am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?

/maɪˈsɛlf/ /wɪð/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

I will say this, though.

/wɪl/ /seɪ/ /ðoʊ/

I've seen Barney work Very hard to get women.

/wɜːrk/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /hɑːrd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women.

/hɪm/ /wɜːrk/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /hɑːrd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /hɪm/ /wɜːrk/ /hɑːrd/ /kiːp/ /əˈraʊnd/

I was going to give him an A.

/wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪm/

Well, B+ -- Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve.

/wɛl/ /kaɪnd/ /ʌp/

Hey.

Before you say anything,

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

I am done with this stupid Robin 101, okay?

/dʌn/ /wɪð/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

Here, I'll get rid of the notebook.

/hɪr/ /ɡɛt/

But there's...

/bʌt/

there's something that I did want to say to you.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /dɪd/ /wɒnt/ /seɪ/ /juː/

Robin, I have been with a lot of women--

/hæv/ /wɪð/ /lɒt/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

blondes, brunettes, redheads;

big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs;

/bɪɡ/ /smɔːl/

some boobs that were big, but kind of in a bad way.

/sʌm/ /ðæt/ /wɜːr/ /bɪɡ/ /bʌt/ /kaɪnd/ /bæd/ /weɪ/

The point is--

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/

boobs that pointed in opposite direc--

/ðæt/ /ˈɒpəzɪt/

...I'm really scared that you're going to dump me

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /skɛrd/ /ðæt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /dʌmp/ /miː/

and that's why I did this and I'm sorry.

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /dɪd/ /ænd/ /ˈsɒr.i/

You're an idiot.

/ˈɪdiət/

You know... Hmm?

/juː/ /noʊ/

That notebook, um, does contain a lot of personal info,