Season 6 · Tập 12

Narrator: In December of 2010, my friends and I decided

/maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /ænd/

to go see It's a Wonderful Life on the big screen.

/ɡoʊ/ /siː/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/ /laɪf/ /ɒn/ /bɪɡ/

It seemed like something we all needed.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/

After all, it had been a crazy couple of days.

/ˈæf.tər/ /ɔːl/ /ɪt/ /hæd/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ˈkʌpəl/

It all started...

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/

With a pregnancy test.

/wɪð/ /tɛst/

Are you sure you did it right?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/

Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /rɒŋ/ /weɪ/ /piː/ /ɒn/ /stɪk/

Hey, can I ask you a question that's plagued me for years?

/kæn/ /æsk/ /juː/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /miː/ /fɔːr/

Can girls aim?

/kæn/ /ɡɜːrlz/

Um, can boys aim?

/kæn/ /bɔɪz/

'Cause it seems to me like I'm taking a mop

/kɔːz/ /ɪt/ /miː/ /laɪk/

to that bathroom floor every two days.

/ðæt/ /ˈbæθruːm/ /flɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /tuː/

Okay, you're the one who put the Far Side calendar

/huː/ /pʊt/ /fɑːr/ /saɪd/

up over the toilet.

/ʌp/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈtɔɪlɪt/

You know I laugh with my whole body.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /læf/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /hoʊl/ /ˈbɒdi/

It's been two minutes.

/tuː/

Both: One, two, three.

/boʊθ/ /tuː/ /θriː/

It's positive. It's positive? It's positive?

/ˈpɒzɪtɪv/ /ˈpɒzɪtɪv/ /ˈpɒzɪtɪv/

It's positive. It's positive?

/ˈpɒzɪtɪv/ /ˈpɒzɪtɪv/

It's positive!

/ˈpɒzɪtɪv/

It's positive!

/ˈpɒzɪtɪv/

I'm pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

What?!

/wɒt/

I've never seen that woman before in my life!

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ðæt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations!

/ˈsɒr.i/ /fɔːrs/ /kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/

To Lily and Marshall.

/ænd/

To Lily and Marshall.

/ænd/

Well, thank you.

/wɛl/ /juː/

I mean, we've never been happier. Mm.

/miːn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

Can't imagine anything bringing me down right now.

/ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈbrɪŋɪŋ/ /miː/ /daʊn/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

You're not pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

Well, that did it.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/

Narrator: Kids, this is the story of the 36 hours

/kɪdz/ /ɪz/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ˈaʊərz/

we all thought Lily was pregnant,

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /θɔːt/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

and how it caused each of us to reexamine our own lives.

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/ /iːtʃ/ /ʌs/ /aʊər/ /oʊn/

Because while this was happening...

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /waɪl/ /wɒz/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/

Are you sure you did it right?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/

...I was on the phone with Punchy,

/wɒz/ /ɒn/ /foʊn/ /wɪð/

my best friend from high school,

/maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/

who had recently asked me to be his best man.

/huː/ /hæd/ /ˈriːsəntli/ /miː/ /biː/ /hɪz/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

Hey, Punchy, I've given this some serious thought.

/ˈɡɪv.ən/ /sʌm/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /θɔːt/

I think I know how we can crush these

/θɪŋk/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ðiːz/

floral arrangements.

Ah, here it comes. Hit me up, Schmos!

/hɪr/ /ɪt/ /miː/ /ʌp/

Peonies, lavender blossoms with a halo of baby's breath

/wɪð/ /brɛθ/

for an ambiance of springtime rejuvenation.

/fɔːr/

That's exactly the accent of whimsy

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

this celebration of love needs!

/lʌv/

It's gonna be a magical day.

/biː/ /deɪ/

I know what you're thinking.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/

I wish I was a dude.

/wɪʃ/ /wɒz/

I do wish you were a dude.

/duː/ /wɪʃ/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

Because if I was a dude, I could have Ted Mosby as my best man.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪf/ /wɒz/ /kʊd/ /hæv/ /maɪ/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

No, and here's why.

/noʊ/ /ænd/ /waɪ/

Ted, the best man's job

/bɛst/ /dʒɒb/

is not to crush the floral arrangements.

/ɪz/

It's to get the groom down the aisle,

/ɡɛt/ /daʊn/

because, no matter who he is, he will freak out.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /huː/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /hiː/ /wɪl/ /friːk/ /aʊt/

And I just don't think you have what it takes

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /hæv/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/

to get that get that soldier to pick up his rifle

/ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /pɪk/ /ʌp/ /hɪz/

and charge up the hill.

/ænd/ /ʌp/

Uh, are you forgetting I've done this before?

/juː/ /dʌn/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

I was Marshall's best man.

/wɒz/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

And how did that go again?

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /dɪd/ /ðæt/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈɡɛn/

Oh for one.

/fɔːr/

Oh, come on. That wasn't my fault.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /fɔːlt/

And need I remind you, I gave a beautiful toast.

/ænd/ /niːd/ /rɪˈmaɪnd/ /juː/ /ɡeɪv/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /toʊst/

Ted. Ted.

Oh, do you take one to be your lawfully wedded wife?

/duː/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /biː/ /jʊr/ /waɪf/

Oh, God, I'm freaking out.

/aʊt/

Why did I chose Ted to be my best man?

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

Uh, yeah. It's hard to take criticism

/hɑːrd/ /teɪk/

from someone who just recorded seven episodes

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /huː/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈsɛvən/

of Million Dollar Heads or Tails.

/ˈmɪljən/ /hɛdz/

Narrator: Kids, Million Dollar Heads or Tails

/kɪdz/ /ˈmɪljən/ /hɛdz/

was an extremely popular show

/wɒz/ /ɪkˈstriːmli/ /ˈpɒpjʊlər/ /ʃoʊ/

with an extremely simple premise.

/wɪð/ /ɪkˈstriːmli/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

All right, your practice flip came up

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /jʊr/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/ /ʌp/

tails...

But our Vegas oddsmaker tells us

/bʌt/ /aʊər/ /ʌs/

that the next toss is still just 50-50.

/ðæt/ /nɛkst/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/

And so, Jordan,

/ænd/

for one million dollars...

/fɔːr/ /ˈmɪljən/

...Heads... or tails?

/hɛdz/

What was the year of the coin again?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /jɪr/ /əˈɡɛn/

Why this sudden obsession with Heads or Tails?

/waɪ/ /wɪð/ /hɛdz/

Well, it turns out

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

that Heads or Tails has a job opening.

/ðæt/ /hɛdz/ /hæz/ /dʒɒb/

Ta... heads.

/hɛdz/

Marni, flip that coin.

/ðæt/

Ooh! Damn!

So now, because of that incident,

/naʊ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðæt/

Heads or Tails is looking

/hɛdz/ /ɪz/

for a new currency rotation specialist.

/fɔːr/ /njuː/

You mean coin flip bimbo?

/juː/ /miːn/

They're not bimbos!

You auditioned, didn't you?

/juː/ /juː/

And you're Canadian?!

/ænd/

Robin, aside from that coin,

/ðæt/

this is the other thing that's flipping right now.

/ɪz/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /θɪŋ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

What is my lid? What is my lid?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/

For you. For you.

/fɔːr/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

You're the new coin flip bimbo?

/njuː/

Currency rotation specialist.

Robin, you better check yourself

/juː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /tʃɛk/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

before you trebek yourself.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

You're a journalist!

/ˈdʒɜːnəlɪst/

What is the matter with you?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈmætər/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Well, it's a national audience!

/wɛl/ /ˈnæʃənl/ /ˈɔːdiəns/

I get to wear shiny dresses!

/ɡɛt/ /wɛr/

Robin, Robin,

have you forgotten about your New Year's resolution?

/hæv/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /njuː/

I am never drinking again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /əˈɡɛn/

No, before that.

/noʊ/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ðæt/

: I am gonna finish this whole bottle tonight.

/ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /hoʊl/ /ˈbɒtəl/ /təˈnaɪt/

Before that, too.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ðæt/

I moved here

/hɪr/

to work for a big-time cable news channel

/wɜːrk/ /fɔːr/ /njuːz/ /ˈtʃænəl/

like World Wide News.

/laɪk/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/

by this time next year, I will be wearing

/taɪm/ /nɛkst/ /jɪr/ /wɪl/ /biː/

a World Wide News I.D. badge around my neck.

/wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/ /əˈraʊnd/ /maɪ/ /nɛk/

And to show you that I'm serious,

/ænd/ /ʃoʊ/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

this is my first and only drink of the night.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /ænd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /drɪŋk/ /naɪt/

Oh, damn, that's smooth.

I thought you finally got that interview at World Wide News.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /ðæt/ /ˈɪntəvjuː/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/

Well, I did, but they only offered me a boring,

/wɛl/ /dɪd/ /bʌt/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈoʊnli/ /miː/ /ˈbɔːrɪŋ/

low-paid, off-camera research job.

/ˈriːsɜːrtʃ/ /dʒɒb/

Which could be a stepping stone to bigger things in your career.

/wɪtʃ/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /θɪŋz/ /jʊr/ /kəˈrɪr/

Well, so could Heads or Tails.

/wɛl/ /kʊd/ /hɛdz/

The first currency rotation specialist went on

/fɜːrst/ /wɛnt/ /ɒn/

to be a semi-finalist on The Bachelor, and then,

/biː/ /ɒn/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/

she lost, like, a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser,

/ʃiː/ /lɒst/ /laɪk/ /ˈhʌndrəd/ /ɒn/

and now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/

Narrator: It seemed like there was no changing Robin's mind.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/ /maɪnd/

But what we didn't know, in that moment,

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

was that our world was about to be turned upside down.

/wɒz/ /ðæt/ /aʊər/ /wɜːrld/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /biː/ /daʊn/

I'm pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

What?!

/wɒt/

Now, kids, when your friends have great news,

/naʊ/ /kɪdz/ /wɛn/ /jʊr/ /frɛndz/ /hæv/ /ɡreɪt/ /njuːz/

you're happy for them... For, like, a millisecond.

/ˈhæp.i/ /fɔːr/ /ðɛm/ /fɔːr/ /laɪk/

And then you start thinking about yourself.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /juː/ /stɑːrt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Robin: Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

They're really having a baby.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

What am I doing with my life?

/wɒt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Starting Monday, I'm a currency rotation spe...

Oh, who am I kidding?

/huː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

I'm a coin flip bimbo, and I'm still single.

/ænd/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

Okay, let's not go there, Scherbatsky.

/ɡoʊ/ /ðɛr/

That's a whole other thing.

/hoʊl/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /θɪŋ/

I've got to take that World Wide News job.

/teɪk/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/ /dʒɒb/

Narrator: And so, the next night, we had two things to celebrate.

/ænd/ /nɛkst/ /naɪt/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /tuː/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/

Well, you are looking at the new

/wɛl/ /juː/ /njuː/

associate researcher at World Wide News.

/rɪˈsɜːrtʃər/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/

Oh, my gosh. That's amazing news.

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /njuːz/

What changed your mind?

/wɒt/ /tʃeɪndʒd/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/

Marshall and Lily.

/ænd/

I just realized that

/dʒʌst/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ðæt/

I am about to have a little niece who looks up to me.

/əˈbaʊt/ /hæv/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /niːs/ /huː/ /ʌp/ /miː/

And I don't want to be sad aunt Robin,

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /sæd/ /ænt/

the aging coin flip bimbo who gives her the creeps.

/huː/ /ɡɪvz/ /hɜːr/

I want to be cool aunt Robin, the respected journalist...

/wɒnt/ /biː/ /kuːl/ /ænt/ /ˈdʒɜːnəlɪst/

: Who gives her beer.

/huː/ /ɡɪvz/ /hɜːr/ /bɪər/

What? What? Oh.

/wɒt/ /wɒt/

I have never seen you guys looking so at peace.

/hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /piːs/

To Lily and Marshall.

/ænd/

To Lily and Marshall.

/ænd/

Well, thank you.

/wɛl/ /juː/

I mean, we've never been happier.

/miːn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

Narrator: So the next day Robin called

/nɛkst/ /deɪ/

Heads or Tails to respectfully decline.

/hɛdz/

Hi, Mr. Trebek. This is Robin Scherbatsky.

/ɪz/

Narrator: But at that moment...

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

You're not pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

As honored as I am by the offer, um...

/ˈɒfər/

Robin: Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

They're not having a baby.

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

What am I getting all up in my head about?

/wɒt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ɔːl/ /ʌp/ /maɪ/ /hɛd/ /əˈbaʊt/

That research job sounds hard.

/ðæt/ /ˈriːsɜːrtʃ/ /dʒɒb/ /hɑːrd/

And I'm pretty.

/ænd/ /ˈprɪti/

I'm really, really pretty.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈprɪti/

You are looking

/juː/

at the new coin flip bimbo.

/njuː/

You took the heads or tails job? Yeah.

/juː/ /tʊk/ /hɛdz/ /dʒɒb/

What about World Wide News, your I.D. badge?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/ /jʊr/

You made a New Year's resolution.

/juː/ /njuː/

Okay, I also said I would never make out with a garbage man.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /sɛd/ /wʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /meɪk/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/ /mæn/

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

/laɪf/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənz/ /wɛn/ /ˈbɪzi/ /ˈʌð.ər/

What's with the gingerbread house?

/wɪð/ /haʊs/

We're seeing a Christmas movie.

/ˈkrɪsməs/ /ˈmuːvi/

It's a Christmas-themed movie snack.

/ˈmuːvi/ /snæk/

Let's hope Santa brings you a girlfriend this year, Teddy.

/hoʊp/ /brɪŋz/ /juː/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /jɪr/ /ˈtɛdi/

Where the hell is Barney?

/wɛr/ /ɪz/

Narrator: Where was Barney?

/wɛr/ /wɒz/

Let's back up again.

/bæk/ /ʌp/ /əˈɡɛn/

You see, while this was going on...

/juː/ /siː/ /waɪl/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

It's positive. It's positive?!

/ˈpɒzɪtɪv/ /ˈpɒzɪtɪv/

...This was happening.

/wɒz/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/

And now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

A yuletide riddle.

What is my second favorite word that begins with b-o-n?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /wɜːrd/ /ðæt/ /wɪð/

Bon Jovi? Bon Jovi?

Yeah.

What is my third favorite word that begins with b-o-n?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /wɜːrd/ /ðæt/ /wɪð/

Bonus. Bonus.

/ˈboʊnəs/ /ˈboʊnəs/

As in, my end-of-the-year bonus check.

/maɪ/ /ˈboʊnəs/ /tʃɛk/

My God, Barney!

/maɪ/

I work for GNB, too.

/wɜːrk/ /fɔːr/

All I got was $15 gift card to Costa Coffee.

/ɔːl/ /wɒz/ /ɡɪft/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

And you earned it, buddy.

/ænd/ /juː/ /ɪt/ /ˈbʌdi/

Check out what I'm gonna buy for myself.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /wɒt/ /baɪ/ /fɔːr/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

The dibiase.

See those pinstripes?

/siː/ /ðoʊz/

Diamonds.

It is the uppest a person could ever suit.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /kʊd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /suːt/

Uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?

/hæz/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /sʌm/

Charity? You're seriously talking to me about charity?

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Dude, I am Mr. Charity.

I frequently sleep with sixes,

/sliːp/ /wɪð/

chubsters, over-thirties...

I am the bill and Melinda gates of the sympathy bang.

/ænd/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

Hi. Hey.

Big announcement.

/bɪɡ/ /əˈnaʊnsmənt/

Let me guess.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /ɡɛs/

You got a huge bonus check, too.

/juː/ /hjuːdʒ/ /ˈboʊnəs/ /tʃɛk/

No, just a $30 gift card to Costa Coffee.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɪft/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

Thirty?!

I'm pregnant. What?!

/ˈprɛɡnənt/ /wɒt/

What?! I've never seen that woman before in my life!

/wɒt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ðæt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Sorry, force of habit.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /fɔːrs/

Congratulations!

/kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/

Huh. Marshall and Lily are

/ænd/

doing something meaningful.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

And it's making me less happy about this bonus.

/ænd/ /miː/ /lɛs/ /ˈhæp.i/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈboʊnəs/

And I'm still single.

/ænd/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

At least I got that going for me.

/liːst/ /ðæt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

So why do I still feel outside of awesome looking in?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /fiːl/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /ˈɔːsəm/

What am I doing with my life?

/wɒt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

We've never been happier.

/ˈnɛv.ər/

I can't imagine bringing me down right now.

/ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /ˈbrɪŋɪŋ/ /miː/ /daʊn/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Oh, Marshall, you only think you're happy.

/juː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈhæp.i/

Just wait, because tonight,

/dʒʌst/ /weɪt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /təˈnaɪt/

: is Barney's Favorite Things!

/ɪz/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /θɪŋz/

That was the reaction Barney expected.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /riˈækʃən/

This was the one he got.

/wɒz/ /hiː/

Huh? I don't know what that is.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

Barney's Favorite Things!

/ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /θɪŋz/

I'm gonna give you all a bunch of free stuff... like Oprah.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /friː/ /stʌf/ /laɪk/

Just get excited, okay?

/dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/

The next hour got pretty weird.

/nɛkst/ /ˈaʊ.ər/ /ˈprɪti/

Velour track suits!

Velour is so comfortable. They're so soft.

/ɪz/ /ˈkʌmftəbl/ /sɒft/

Remote control helicopters!

/kənˈtroʊl/

Condoms! Bao cao su!

And last but not least...

/ænd/ /læst/ /bʌt/ /liːst/

There is a fleet of limos outside

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

waiting to take us to...

/teɪk/ /ʌs/

A strip club!

/klʌb/

You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance!

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /læp/ /dæns/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /læp/ /dæns/

You're gonna give me a lap dance!

/ɡɪv/ /miː/ /læp/ /dæns/

Everybody gets a lap dance!

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /ɡɛts/ /læp/ /dæns/

That was amazing!

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

It was like a diamond suit for my soul.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/ /suːt/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/

I gotta keep going. I gotta do more.

/kiːp/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /mɔːr/

No. No! I cannot go back to that strip club.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /ðæt/ /klʌb/

I seen some things.

/sʌm/ /θɪŋz/

I'm not going back either.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /bæk/ /ˈiː.ðər/

I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.

/rɛst/ /maɪ/ /ˈboʊnəs/ /klʌb/

Narrator: The next day, he paid a visit

/nɛkst/ /deɪ/ /hiː/ /ˈvɪz.ɪt/

to the most charitable man he knew,

/moʊst/ /mæn/ /hiː/ /njuː/

his half-brother's father, Sam Gibbs,

/hɪz/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

a minister at a church out on Long Island.

/tʃɜːrtʃ/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

Sam. Sam.

Uh, father. Cha

/ˈfɑː.ðər/

I-I don't mean father father.

/miːn/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

Unless...

/ənˈlɛs/

What's up, Barney?

/ʌp/

I'm thinking about

/əˈbaʊt/

giving some money to charity.

/ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /sʌm/ /ˈmʌn.i/

Is that the name of the stripper you've been e-mailing me about?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /neɪm/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/

You got to take me off that list, Barney.

/juː/ /teɪk/ /miː/ /ɒf/ /ðæt/ /lɪst/

No, I don't mean that charity.

/noʊ/ /miːn/ /ðæt/

That charity is doing peachy.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail.

/siː/ /tuː/ /ðɛm/ /nɛkst/

What up! Barney,

/wɒt/ /ʌp/

I'm a minister.

Unsubscribe.

I-I recently started giving,

/ˈriːsəntli/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/

and it felt surprisingly good.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /fɛlt/ /ɡʊd/

I want to do more.

/wɒnt/ /duː/ /mɔːr/

Well, now you're talking.

/wɛl/ /naʊ/

We have this program that helps those in need

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ðæt/ /ðoʊz/ /niːd/

get back on their feet.

/ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /ɒn/ /ðɛr/ /fiːt/

We give them food, a place to live,

/wiː/ /ɡɪv/ /ðɛm/ /fuːd/ /pleɪs/ /lɪv/

clothes for job interviews.

/kloʊðz/ /fɔːr/ /dʒɒb/

Well, I would love to help by writing a check

/wɛl/ /wʊd/ /lʌv/ /hɛlp/ /ˈraɪtɪŋ/ /tʃɛk/

for... one, zero, zero, zero...

/fɔːr/

You're not pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

...Zero...

Woops. Hold on a second.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

Wait. They're not doing

/weɪt/

something meaningful with their lives.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ðɛr/

Well, this changes everything.

/wɛl/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Oh, no, I've already written four zeroes.

/noʊ/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Thank you, decimal point.

/juː/ /pɔɪnt/

One hundred dollars.

/ˈhʌndrəd/

That's great!

/ɡreɪt/

Thank you, Barney!

/juː/

Diamond suited up.

/ʌp/

Hey, Ted, can you spot me for the movie?

/kæn/ /juː/ /spɒt/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /ˈmuːvi/

I don't like to carry a lot of cash on me.

/laɪk/ /lɒt/ /ɒn/ /miː/

What happened to giving the money away?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /ˈmʌn.i/ /əˈweɪ/

Yeah, that was back when Lily was pregnant.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /bæk/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

Now she's not.

/naʊ/

Ergo, a suit is born.

/suːt/ /ɪz/ /bɔːrn/

Dude, what's up with

/ʌp/ /wɪð/

the gingerbread house? You look ridiculous!

/haʊs/ /juː/ /lʊk/

It's a Christmas-themed movie snack!

/ˈmuːvi/ /snæk/

Ah, I know that move.

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /muːv/

You cut a hole in the floor,

/juː/ /kʌt/ /flɔːr/

she reaches into the living room, finds the tree...

/ʃiː/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ruːm/ /triː/

Nice. Hay

/naɪs/ /heɪ/

Where the hell

/wɛr/

are Marshall and Lily?

/ænd/

Narrator: Let's back up one last time.

/bæk/ /ʌp/ /læst/ /taɪm/

I'm pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

What?! What?!

/wɒt/ /wɒt/

I've never seen that woman before in my life!

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ðæt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Sorry, force of habit.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /fɔːrs/

Congratulations!

/kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/

This is great.

/ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/

I'm happy.

/ˈhæp.i/

I'm so happy, my heart's pounding.

/ˈhæp.i/ /maɪ/

And I'm sweating.

/ænd/

And I can't breathe.

/ænd/ /briːð/

This is what happiness feels like, right?

/ɪz/ /wɒt/ /fiːlz/ /laɪk/ /raɪt/

Oh, crap.

Lily's having a baby and I'm having a panic attack.

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ænd/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /əˈtæk/

I hope she can't tell what I'm thinking right now.

/hoʊp/ /ʃiː/ /tɛl/ /wɒt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I can.

/kæn/

And I'm freaking out, too!

/ænd/ /aʊt/

There's an alien growing in my stomach

/ˈɡroʊɪŋ/ /maɪ/

that's gonna explode out of my vagina!

/aʊt/ /maɪ/

Do you think the others can tell we're freaking out?

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈʌðərz/ /kæn/ /tɛl/ /aʊt/

What am I doing with my life?

/wɒt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

What am I doing with my life?

/wɒt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

I should get a Christmas-themed movie snack for tomorrow night.

/ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /snæk/ /fɔːr/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/

They're totally onto us.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /ʌs/

What do we do?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /wiː/ /duː/

Just keep smiling, maybe wave.

/dʒʌst/ /kiːp/ /ˈmeɪbi/

No, don't wave!

/noʊ/

That makes no sense!

/ðæt/ /noʊ/ /sɛns/

I'm committed.

I'm riding this wave straight to hell.

/streɪt/

Let's leave, then the waving will make sense.

/liːv/ /ðɛn/ /wɪl/ /meɪk/ /sɛns/

Narrator: So Marshall and Lily headed home.

/ænd/ /ˈhɛdɪd/ /hoʊm/

Marshall: Lily, we have to relax.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /rɪˈlæks/

There's no need to panic.

/noʊ/ /niːd/

True, there's a lot to do,

/truː/ /lɒt/ /duː/

but we've got nine months to prepare.

/bʌt/ /prɪˈpɛr/

So I say that we just make a list of everything

/seɪ/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /meɪk/ /lɪst/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

that needs to get done before the baby arrives

/ðæt/ /ɡɛt/ /dʌn/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈbeɪbi/

and do everything on that list tonight!

/ænd/ /duː/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /lɪst/ /təˈnaɪt/

Let's do it!

/duː/ /ɪt/

Uh-huh, got it.

/ɪt/

Okay, that seems easy.

/ðæt/ /ˈiː.zi/

Nursery's painted!

Blue? What if it's a girl?

/bluː/ /wɒt/ /ɪf/ /ɡɜːrl/

Damn it!

/ɪt/

Oh, God, it's 8:00!

We're supposed to meet the gang at the bar to celebrate.

/səˈpoʊzd/ /miːt/ /ɡæŋ/ /bɑːr/ /ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/

Oh, God. Okay, listen.

/ˈlɪs.ən/

When we meet them, we have to keep it together.

/wɛn/ /wiː/ /miːt/ /ðɛm/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /kiːp/ /ɪt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Can you keep it together?!

/kæn/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /ɪt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

No, I can't keep it together!

/noʊ/ /kiːp/ /ɪt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Robin: I have never seen you guys looking so at peace.

/hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /piːs/

To Lily and Marshall.

/ænd/

Lily and Marshall.

/ænd/

Well, thank you.

/wɛl/ /juː/

I mean, we've never been happier.

/miːn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

This is a nightmare!

/ɪz/

We've done everything wrong!

/dʌn/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /rɒŋ/

The iPod was on shuffle!

/wɒz/ /ɒn/

The Jerky Boys! The Jerky Boys!

/bɔɪz/ /bɔɪz/

Our baby heard the Jerky Boys!

/aʊər/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /hɜːrd/ /bɔɪz/

You know what, the Jerky Boys are funny.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /bɔɪz/ /ˈfʌn.i/

The Jerky Boys aren't funny, they are awful.

/bɔɪz/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /ðeɪ/

You know what, fine, if you don't think

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /faɪn/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

the Jerky Boys are funny, then I'm not sure

/bɔɪz/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /ðɛn/ /ʃʊr/

that I can raise a child with you, liver lips.

/ðæt/ /kæn/ /reɪz/ /tʃaɪld/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Marshall, I don't like this.

/laɪk/

I know. Okay?

/noʊ/

I don't like it either.

/laɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈiː.ðər/

It's like I have a hot, burning

/laɪk/ /hæv/ /hɒt/

ball of stress in my chest,

/bɔːl/ /strɛs/ /maɪ/

and nothing will make it go away!

/ænd/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /wɪl/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈweɪ/

You're not pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

Well, that did it.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/

I know this probably comes as quite a disappointment.

/noʊ/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /kwaɪt/

Yeah. Yeah.

Huge bummer.

/hjuːdʒ/

So disappointing.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Are you guys okay?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Huh? Yeah.

Why wouldn't we be? Oh, the baby thing.

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /biː/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /θɪŋ/

Oh, yeah, whatever.

Oh, Christmas-themed movie snack. Nice.

/ˈmuːvi/ /snæk/ /naɪs/

Don't reach into the living room!

/riːtʃ/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ruːm/

Wow, I-I thought you guys would be devastated.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wʊd/ /biː/

Oh. Oh.

You know, we're actually kind of relieved.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /kaɪnd/

We were freaking out for about a day and a half there.

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /aʊt/ /fɔːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /deɪ/ /ænd/ /hæf/ /ðɛr/

Yeah, this whole thing got us thinking.

/hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /ʌs/

Maybe we're not ready for kids yet after all.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /kɪdz/ /jɛt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɔːl/

Yeah, we were thinking maybe we would just get a dog.

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /wiː/ /wʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /dɔːɡ/

Get a puppy!

/ɡɛt/

Can you imagine...

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/

That would be the cutest thing!

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /θɪŋ/

No!

/noʊ/

Oh. Our movie snack.

/aʊər/ /ˈmuːvi/ /snæk/

Are you kidding me?!

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

All you ever talk about is having kids!

/ɔːl/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪz/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /kɪdz/

And now you have one little freak-out

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

and you want to get a dog instead?!

/ænd/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /dɔːɡ/ /ɪnˈstɛd/

No. Unacceptable!

/noʊ/

You're gonna turn around,

/tɜːrn/ /əˈraʊnd/

you're gonna go home, get naked,

/ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/ /ɡɛt/

lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child.

/laɪ/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /mæn/ /ænd/ /waɪf/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/ /wɪð/ /tʃaɪld/

Right now!

/raɪt/ /naʊ/

I'm serious! Go, go, go!

/ˈsɪəriəs/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡoʊ/

: Marshall and Lily got in trouble.

/ænd/ /ˈtrʌbəl/

And you! Ooh.

/ænd/ /juː/

Barney, you look real stupid in that suit.

/juː/ /lʊk/ /riːl/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ðæt/ /suːt/

You're gonna go get your money back and give it to charity.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌn.i/ /bæk/ /ænd/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/

And I don't mean that stripper you keep e-mailing us about,

/ænd/ /miːn/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /ʌs/ /əˈbaʊt/

even though we beg you to take us off that list.

/ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /wiː/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /ʌs/ /ɒf/ /ðæt/ /lɪst/

I can't give this suit back.

/ɡɪv/ /suːt/ /bæk/

Ted, I glow in the dark.

/dɑːrk/

I finally glow in the dark!

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /dɑːrk/

Criminals of New York! Attention!

/njuː/ /jɔːrk/

This man is wearing a diamond-covered suit!

/mæn/ /ɪz/ /suːt/

You could retire

/juː/ /kʊd/ /rɪˈtaɪər/

on the pants alone!

/ɒn/ /pænts/ /əˈloʊn/

Merry Christmas!

/ˈkrɪsməs/

So, if I get a large popcorn, you want to go split-skees or...

/ɪf/ /ɡɛt/ /lɑːrdʒ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/

And you...

/ænd/ /juː/

You did not move

/juː/ /dɪd/ /muːv/

to the greatest city on earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo.

/ˈsɪt.i/ /ɒn/ /ɜːrθ/ /bɪˈkʌm/

So here's how it's gonna work:

/haʊ/ /wɜːrk/

Heads, you take the job at World Wide News;

/hɛdz/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /dʒɒb/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/

Tails, you take the job at World Wide News.

/juː/ /teɪk/ /dʒɒb/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/

Ow! Ow!

Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

/laɪk/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /njuː/

Fine, I'll call them tomorrow.

/faɪn/ /kɔːl/ /ðɛm/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

I'll call them right now.

/kɔːl/ /ðɛm/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Hello.

Ted, I can't get married!

/ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

Yes, you can! You love her!

/juː/ /kæn/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /hɜːr/

You're right, I do! Thanks, Ted!

/raɪt/ /duː/

One for It's a Wonderful Life, please.

/fɔːr/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/ /laɪf/ /pliːz/

Thank you.

/juː/

Hi.

We're idiots.

This kid doesn't stand a chance.

/kɪd/ /stænd/ /tʃæns/

We're ready for this. We're ready for this.

/ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/

Wow.

That's a lot of zeroes.

/lɒt/

Y-you sure you're not missing a decimal point?

/ʃʊr/ /pɔɪnt/

Nope.

And that's the tour.

/ænd/

Uh, staff meeting's at noon, you'll meet everyone there,

/stæf/ /miːt/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ðɛr/

but first you need to head down to security.

/bʌt/ /fɜːrst/ /juː/ /niːd/ /hɛd/ /daʊn/ /sɪˈkjʊərɪti/

You need to get your picture taken.

/juː/ /niːd/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/

For your I.D. badge.

/fɔːr/ /jʊr/

Oh. Oh.

You sure?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/

Positive.

/ˈpɒzɪtɪv/

And there's more.

/ænd/ /mɔːr/

Do you still do that thing where you give

/duː/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋ/ /wɛr/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/

people in need clothes for job interviews?

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /niːd/ /kloʊðz/ /fɔːr/ /dʒɒb/

Yeah. Why?

/waɪ/

Bring 'em in, boys!

/brɪŋ/ /bɔɪz/

Merry Christmas.

/ˈkrɪsməs/