Season 6 · Tập 13

Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby,

/kɪdz/ /wɛn/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

they went a t ttle crazy.

/ðeɪ/ /wɛnt/ /ˈkreɪzi/

We've been trying and trying,

/ænd/

and still nothing's happened.

/ænd/ /ˈhæpənd/

I'm just worried we can't have children.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈwʌrid/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/

And how long have you been trying?

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /hæv/ /juː/

Six days.

/sɪks/

Oy. Oy.

But then, months went by, and still nothing happened.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /wɛnt/ /ænd/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/

Something must be wrong.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /mʌst/ /biː/ /rɒŋ/

W-We're doing it a lot.

/ɪt/ /lɒt/

And everywhere--

/ænd/ /ˈɛvriwɛr/

the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room,

/ˈkɪtʃɪn/ /ˈbæθruːm/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ruːm/

outside in your wait-- the kitchen.

/ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /jʊr/ /weɪt/ /ˈkɪtʃɪn/

Seriously, Doc,

/ˈsɪəriəsli/

why isn't this happening? Look,

/waɪ/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/ /lʊk/

if you're really worried, here is a number

/ɪf/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈwʌrid/ /hɪr/ /ɪz/ /ˈnʌmbər/

for a reproductive endocrinologist-- Dr. Stangel.

/fɔːr/

- He's the best in the city. - Dr. John Stangel?

/bɛst/ /ˈsɪt.i/

I don't know, baby, do we really need a specialist?

/noʊ/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /duː/ /wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /niːd/

Well, what's your plan, Marshall,

/wɛl/ /jʊr/ /plæn/

just have unprotected sex day after day after day

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /deɪ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /deɪ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /deɪ/

in every position imaginable

/ˈɛv.ri/ /pəˈzɪʃən/

until...?

/ənˈtɪl/

Wait, it sounded worse in my head.

/weɪt/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrs/ /maɪ/ /hɛd/

Guys, we've got a problem.

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈprɒbləm/

This is the application

/ɪz/ /ˌæplɪˈkeɪʃən/

for the regional doubles

/fɔːr/

laser tag tournament

/ˈleɪzər/ /ˈtɔːrnəmənt/

in Poughkeepsie.

Problem is, only one of you can be my partner.

/ˈprɒbləm/ /ɪz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /juː/ /kæn/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /ˈpɑːrtnər/

So it looks like we've got a bake-off.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/

You may now present your arguments.

/juː/ /meɪ/ /naʊ/ /ˈprɛz.ənt/ /jʊr/

I'm not playing laser tag. I'm absolutely not playing laser tag.

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /ˈleɪzər/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /ˈleɪzər/

Damn it. And Marshall's

/ɪt/ /ænd/

the winner.

Well, I'm gonna call Dr. Stangel.

/wɛl/ /kɔːl/

It can't hurt.

/ɪt/ /hɜːrt/

So Aunt Lily went to see Dr. John Stangel, the man

/ænt/ /wɛnt/ /siː/ /mæn/

who knew more about human reproduction

/huː/ /njuː/ /mɔːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈhjuːmən/

than anyone in New York City.

/ðæn/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

So I understand you want to get pregnant.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

Transcript by Addic7ed.com Translate by vymuop Transcript by Addic7ed.com

/kɒm/ /kɒm/

Yeah, and it cuts in and out. Ooh!

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /aʊt/

How did you do it?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Oh, God, you found one of the cameras.

/juː/

I swear that's the only one.

/swɛər/ /ˈoʊnli/

Wait, which one did you find?

/weɪt/ /wɪtʃ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /faɪnd/

What are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

What are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

My visit to a certain Dr. Stangel.

/maɪ/ /ˈvɪz.ɪt/

We'll look at all the factors that contribute

/lʊk/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/

to fertility: dietary, environmental, genetic.

/ɪnˌvaɪrənˈmɛntəl/

But first, Ms. Aldrin,

/bʌt/ /fɜːrst/

do you have any questions

/duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

for me?

/fɔːr/ /miː/

Just one, "Dr. Stangel."

/dʒʌst/

Where'd you get the beard?

/juː/ /ɡɛt/

Well, m-my mother's Armenian.

/wɛl/

Lily, I've been with Barney since 9:00 a.m.

/wɪð/ /sɪns/

Between the sexual harassment seminar all morning

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /ˈsɛkʃuəl/ /ˈsɛmɪnɑːr/ /ɔːl/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

and the secretary beauty pageant all afternoon,

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /ˌæftərˈnuːn/

he hasn't left my sight.

/hiː/ /lɛft/ /maɪ/

Wait, so you weren't wearing a fake beard

/weɪt/ /juː/ /feɪk/

and examining girl parts all day?

/ænd/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/

Not today I wasn't.

/təˈdeɪ/

Wow, we finally found Barney's doppelg nger.

/wiː/ /ˈfaɪnəli/

I guess we can tell you now, Lily.

/ɡɛs/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /naʊ/

That hot dog guy did not look like Barney.

/ðæt/ /hɒt/ /dɔːɡ/ /ɡaɪ/ /dɪd/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/

Uh, Marshall? Uh, Marshall?

Yes, I know, we made our little deal

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /aʊər/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /diːl/

with the universe, but...

/wɪð/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /bʌt/

No, we've made a binding covenant with the universe.

/noʊ/ /wɪð/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/

We said we weren't going to try to have kids

/wiː/ /sɛd/ /wiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /traɪ/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

until we saw Barney's doppelg nger.

/ənˈtɪl/ /wiː/ /sɔː/

Oh, this is bad news.

/ɪz/ /bæd/ /njuːz/

This is like a black cat walked through my uterus.

/ɪz/ /laɪk/ /blæk/ /kæt/ /θruː/ /maɪ/

Okay, that's it.

/ɪt/

I am going back to Dr. Stangel

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /bæk/

and getting thoroughly checked out.

/ænd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /aʊt/

Or--

or cost-saving alternative:

you could get checked out by someone who looks just like him.

/juː/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /huː/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /hɪm/

I'm gonna go scrub up; I'll meet you in stall three.

/ɡoʊ/ /ʌp/ /miːt/ /juː/ /θriː/

I still

kind of think it's Barney.

/kaɪnd/ /θɪŋk/

There's no way it's Barney.

/noʊ/ /weɪ/

Hello, you must be Mr. Eriksen.

/juː/ /mʌst/ /biː/

I am Dr. Stangel.

It's Barney.

Wow. Wow.

Really, dude, bravo.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

You almost got a peek.

/juː/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/

But seriously,

/bʌt/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/

what second-rate community theater did you get...?

/wɒt/ /kəˈmjuːnɪti/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/

Would you...? I...

/wʊd/ /juː/

So my wife and I are trying to get pregnant.

/maɪ/ /waɪf/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

All right, Ms. Aldrin, please just put

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /pliːz/ /dʒʌst/ /pʊt/

your feet up in the stirrups.

/jʊr/ /fiːt/ /ʌp/

We can begin.

/wiː/ /kæn/ /bɪˈɡɪn/

Uh-uh, no.

/noʊ/

Can't do it. No, but, baby,

/duː/ /ɪt/ /noʊ/ /bʌt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I yanked on his beard.

/ɒn/ /hɪz/

He checks out.

/hiː/ /aʊt/

I really don't have time for this. No, Barney--

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hæv/ /taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /noʊ/

Doctor, wait, please, it's...

/ˈdɒktər/ /weɪt/ /pliːz/

Can you just give us a couple minutes?

/kæn/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /ʌs/ /ˈkʌpəl/

I... Lily, Lily,

how can I convince you that this is not Barney?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

Wow, it is like looking

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/

into a poorly dressed mirror.

/ˈmɪrər/

Okay, you have to go.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/

Leave the model of the vagina.

/liːv/ /ˈmɒdəl/

Okay.

Convinced.

Great. All right,

/ɡreɪt/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

you're a little low on the table. Please scoot up.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /loʊ/ /ɒn/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/ /pliːz/ /ʌp/

"Suit up"-- not convinced.

/suːt/ /ʌp/

This whole thing stinks to high heaven.

/hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /haɪ/

Baby, you just saw Barney.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /sɔː/

He could have pulled some crazy switch.

/hiː/ /kʊd/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /swɪtʃ/

Remember when his Swedish cousin came to visit?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɛn/ /hɪz/ /ˈkʌzɪn/ /ˈvɪz.ɪt/

Oh, yeah-- Bjorney.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but unless I see Barney at the same time,

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /ənˈlɛs/ /siː/ /seɪm/ /taɪm/

I-I'll never be sure that Dr. Stangel isn't him.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /biː/ /ʃʊr/ /ðæt/ /hɪm/

How you doing, Lily?!

/haʊ/ /juː/

Should I have a boner?!

/ʃʊd/ /hæv/

Okay, we're all done.

/ɔːl/ /dʌn/

I'll call you in a few days with the results.

/kɔːl/ /juː/ /fjuː/ /wɪð/

Thank you.

/juː/

Hey, you don't mind if I take pictures, do you?!

/juː/ /maɪnd/ /ɪf/ /teɪk/ /ˈpɪktʃərz/ /duː/ /juː/

Can we leave him in here for a while?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /liːv/ /hɪm/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /waɪl/

I'm done for the day.

/dʌn/ /fɔːr/ /deɪ/

You can leave him in here all night.

/juː/ /kæn/ /liːv/ /hɪm/ /hɪr/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

Aw, yeah.

Smile for the birdie, Lil!

/smaɪl/ /fɔːr/

Gyno-mite! Gyno-mite!

Now, while all this was going on,

/naʊ/ /waɪl/ /ɔːl/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

your Aunt Robin was starting her new job at World Wide News,

/jʊr/ /ænt/ /wɒz/ /hɜːr/ /njuː/ /dʒɒb/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/

aka the big leagues.

/bɪɡ/

She was excited.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/

This job was a new start,

/dʒɒb/ /wɒz/ /njuː/ /stɑːrt/

a clean slate.

/kliːn/

So, first day of work?

/fɜːrst/ /deɪ/ /wɜːrk/

Everyone, say hello to your new research associate

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /seɪ/ /jʊr/ /njuː/ /ˈriːsɜːrtʃ/

Robin Scherbatsky. Robin Scherbatsky.

Hi, guys. Welcome.

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈwɛlkəm/

Oh, here comes our new Hardfire host.

/hɪr/ /aʊər/ /njuː/

Robin, this is Sandy Rivers.

/ɪz/

Sandy Rivers?! Sandy Rivers?!

Sandy Rivers-- Sandy Rivers--

Robin's old cohost and my old nemesis.

/oʊld/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /oʊld/

We should have sex.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

Oh, I hate that guy.

/heɪt/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

It gets worse.

/ɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /wɜːrs/

Sandy, this is...

/ɪz/

Robin. Robin.

You two know each other? Know each other?

/juː/ /tuː/ /noʊ/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /noʊ/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

We've had sex.

/hæd/ /sɛks/

You had sex

/juː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/

with Sandy Rivers?

/wɪð/

No! Ugh!

/noʊ/ /ʌɡ/

And I can't believe it's my first day,

/ænd/ /bɪˈliːv/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/

and already I'm the girl who slept with the host of the show.

/ænd/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ɡɜːrl/ /huː/ /slɛpt/ /wɪð/ /ʃoʊ/

Already?

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Were you planning on eventually sleeping with the host?

/wɜːr/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /wɪð/

Well, now that I know it's Sandy, I'm not.

/wɛl/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /noʊ/

Hey, babe.

/beɪb/

Hi, honey.

/ˈhʌni/

There's a couple messages on the machine.

/ˈkʌpəl/ /ɒn/ /məˈʃiːn/

Your dad called.

/jʊr/ /dæd/

He wants to know if you have any sixes.

/hiː/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/

Yeah, uh, we got a game of "Go Fish" going on the phone.

/wiː/ /ɡeɪm/ /ɡoʊ/ /fɪʃ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /foʊn/

P.S., Pops, go fish.

/ɡoʊ/ /fɪʃ/

Who's the second message from?

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/

Dr. Stangel's office.

/ˈɒfɪs/

I'm extremely fertile. You're extremely fertile!

/ɪkˈstriːmli/ /ɪkˈstriːmli/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

I told you there was nothing to worry about.

/toʊld/ /juː/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/

I got to call my dad and tell him the good news.

/kɔːl/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /ænd/ /tɛl/ /hɪm/ /ɡʊd/ /njuːz/

...puts the ball on the 44-yard-line.

/bɔːl/ /ɒn/

If you're fertile, um, then that means I'm the problem.

/ɪf/ /ðɛn/ /ðæt/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Okay, now you're being ridiculous.

/naʊ/

An hour ago, you didn't even think

/ˈaʊ.ər/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /θɪŋk/

there was a problem.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Well, I was just putting on a brave face.

/wɛl/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ɒn/ /breɪv/ /feɪs/

Okay, think about it: we've had unprotected sex

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /hæd/ /sɛks/

203 times in the past four months.

/taɪmz/ /pæst/

Obviously I'm the problem.

/ˈɒbviəsli/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Problem?!

/ˈprɒbləm/

You can't get a girl pregnant.

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

That's the dream.

/driːm/

I'd give my firstborn

/ɡɪv/ /maɪ/

to not be able to have children.

/biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /hæv/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/

So, second day of work?

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /deɪ/ /wɜːrk/

What's wrong?

/rɒŋ/

Oh, you didn't hear? She's the office slut.

/juː/ /hɪr/ /ˈɒfɪs/

Already?

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Oh, honey.

/ˈhʌni/

I wish I was the office slut.

/wɪʃ/ /wɒz/ /ˈɒfɪs/

And we can explore how those policy changes will affect Iraq.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /haʊ/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈpɒlɪsi/ /wɪl/

Yes.

We definitely had sex.

/wiː/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /hæd/ /sɛks/

We did not have sex.

/wiː/ /dɪd/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

Then why do I remember you?

/ðɛn/ /waɪ/ /duː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /juː/

I don't know, maybe because I'm a smart, talented, professional.

/noʊ/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /smɑːrt/ /ˈtæləntɪd/ /prəˈfɛʃənl/

No, none of those.

/noʊ/ /nʌn/ /ðoʊz/

Oh, I remember.

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/

We didn't have sex.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

Thank you.

/juː/

You're the girl who did the report

/ɡɜːrl/ /huː/ /dɪd/ /rɪˈpɔːrt/

on the carriage driver

/ɒn/

and slipped and fell in horse poop...

/ænd/ /ænd/ /hɔːrs/

We did have sex.

/wiː/ /dɪd/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

Oh, I-I remember now.

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /naʊ/

Gregory, Gregory,

do me a favor.

/duː/ /miː/

But this reporter takes pride in-- whoa!

/bʌt/ /rɪˈpɔːtər/

And now everyone calls me Scherpoopie.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /kɔːlz/ /miː/

It's not funny. Robin,

/ˈfʌn.i/

a word of advice: play along.

/wɜːrd/ /ədˈvaɪs/ /pleɪ/ /əˈlɒŋ/

Okay, the more you fight it, the worse it's going to get.

/mɔːr/ /juː/ /faɪt/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrs/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/

It's like when your car slides on ice,

/laɪk/ /wɛn/ /jʊr/ /kɑːr/ /ɒn/ /aɪs/

- you steer into the skid. - Mm-hmm.

/juː/

Exactly!

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

Or when your-- I don't know--

/wɛn/ /jʊr/ /noʊ/

friend invites you to a laser tag tournament,

/frɛnd/ /juː/ /ˈleɪzər/ /ˈtɔːrnəmənt/

you don't fight it.

/juː/ /faɪt/ /ɪt/

You just strap on the vinyl holster

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɒn/

and race into that abandoned JCPenney

/ænd/ /reɪs/ /ðæt/

guns a-blazin'.

/ɡʌnz/

I'm just agreeing with Ted.

/dʒʌst/ /wɪð/

Oh, it's my dad.

/maɪ/ /dæd/

Aren't you going to get it?

/juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

No, no, you know what?

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Um, I'm gonna get my stuff checked out first.

/ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /stʌf/ /aʊt/ /fɜːrst/

I'll call my dad

/kɔːl/ /maɪ/ /dæd/

after Dr. Stangel gives me the thumbs up.

/ˈæf.tər/ /ɡɪvz/ /miː/ /ʌp/

Ew! He has to do that?

/hiː/ /hæz/ /duː/ /ðæt/

But I thought you talk to your dad about everything.

/bʌt/ /θɔːt/ /juː/ /tɔːk/ /jʊr/ /dæd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

I only like to call my dad with good news.

/ˈoʊnli/ /laɪk/ /kɔːl/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /wɪð/ /ɡʊd/ /njuːz/

I mean, telling him good news

/miːn/ /hɪm/ /ɡʊd/ /njuːz/

is what makes it feel real to me.

/ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /fiːl/ /riːl/ /miː/

I'm getting married!

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/

Yeah...! Yeah...!

I passed the bar!

/bɑːr/

All right!

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

I found an amazing Viking lamp

/əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /læmp/

that fits right on the coffee table,

/ðæt/ /raɪt/ /ɒn/ /ˈkɔː.fi/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

as long as we don't mind stepping over the cord.

/lɔːŋ/ /wiː/ /maɪnd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

That's what I'm talking about! Right?!

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /raɪt/

I found someone who can fix the Viking lamp!

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /huː/ /kæn/ /fɪks/ /læmp/

But the news that I might not be able

/bʌt/ /njuːz/ /ðæt/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/

to give him a grandchild?

/ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /ˈɡræntʃaɪld/

You know, like, I don't even know

/juː/ /noʊ/ /laɪk/ /ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/

how to have that conversation.

/haʊ/ /hæv/ /ðæt/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

I'll show you.

/ʃoʊ/ /juː/

"Dad, there's, uh, there's something I need to tell you,

/dæd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /niːd/ /tɛl/ /juː/

"and it's going to come as a bit of a shock to you,

/ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /kʌm/ /juː/

"but here goes.

/bʌt/ /hɪr/ /ɡoʊz/

"You are speaking

/juː/ /ˈspiːkɪŋ/

to the 2011 Tri-County Laser Tag Co-Champion."

/ˈleɪzər/

Barney, I've already told... "Oh, and my sperm don't work.

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /toʊld/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /wɜːrk/

"Yeah, yeah,

the laser tag thing is awesome."

/ˈleɪzər/ /θɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

So, third day of work?

/deɪ/ /wɜːrk/

And the fertilizer is seeping

/ænd/ /ɪz/

into the ground water, causing...

/ɡraʊnd/ /ˈwɔː.tər/

Is Scherpoopie pitching a story about manure?

/ɪz/ /ˈstɔːri/ /əˈbaʊt/

Genius.

Okay, yes, I, uh, I fell into some manure.

/sʌm/

It's hilarious, fine.

/hɪˈlɛriəs/ /faɪn/

In a five-year career of on-air reports,

/kəˈrɪr/

there are bound to be a few embarrassing moments.

/ðɛr/ /biː/ /fjuː/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

A few?

/fjuː/

Uh, but in my case, it was just the one,

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/

and you found it, so, uh...

/ænd/ /juː/ /ɪt/

Just the one.

/dʒʌst/

Gregory. Gregory.

Oh, God.

What did they find?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /ðeɪ/ /faɪnd/

Everything.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

* Everybody, come and play * * Everybody, come and play *

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /kʌm/ /ænd/ /pleɪ/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /kʌm/ /ænd/ /pleɪ/

I'm a dirty, dirty girl. * Throw every last care away *

/ˈdɜːrti/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /ɡɜːrl/ /θroʊ/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /læst/ /kɛr/ /əˈweɪ/

* Let's go to the mall today * * Let's go to the mall today *

/ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/ /təˈdeɪ/

* Today, today * * Today, today *

/təˈdeɪ/ /təˈdeɪ/ /təˈdeɪ/ /təˈdeɪ/

The Federal Reserve Board voted to leave interest...

/bɔːrd/ /liːv/

* Let's go to the mall * * Let's go to the mall *

/ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/ /ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/

* Today Let's go to the ma-a-all * * Today Let's go to the ma-a-all *

/təˈdeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/

Aah. * Let's got to the mall today * Aah. * Let's got to the mall today *

/mɔːl/ /təˈdeɪ/ /mɔːl/ /təˈdeɪ/

* Let's go to the ma-a-all * Today * * Let's go to the ma-a-all * Today *

/ɡoʊ/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /təˈdeɪ/

* Let's go to the mall * * Let's go to the mall *

/ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/ /ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/

* Today Let's go to the ma-a-all * * Today Let's go to the ma-a-all *

/təˈdeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/

* Today... Let's go to the mall... * * Today... Let's go to the mall... *

/təˈdeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/

They even found the video of me getting attacked by an owl.

/ðeɪ/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /miː/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

You got attacked by an owl?

/juː/

I did not get attacked by an owl.

/dɪd/ /ɡɛt/

Robin, listen, here's what you need to do--

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /niːd/ /duː/

Okay, don't you dare tell me to steer into the skid, okay?

/juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/

It's too late. I'm already wrapped around a hydro pole.

/leɪt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /əˈraʊnd/

It's a Canadian telephone pole.

I never should have taken this job.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /dʒɒb/

Kids, at that moment, I knew what I had to do

/kɪdz/ /ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /njuː/ /wɒt/ /hæd/ /duː/

for my friend Robin.

/fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/

But first I had to do something for me.

/bʌt/ /fɜːrst/ /hæd/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Show me "owl attack."

/ʃoʊ/ /miː/ /əˈtæk/

I am freaking out.

/aʊt/

Is there a chance that I can't have kids?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /tʃæns/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

I've been hit in the nuts a lot.

/nʌts/ /lɒt/

Well, we won't know anything until we run some tests.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ənˈtɪl/ /wiː/ /rʌn/ /sʌm/

We'll need a sample of your sperm.

/niːd/ /jʊr/

No, no, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

There's a room at the end of the hall.

/ruːm/ /ɛnd/ /hɔːl/

If you find yourself

/ɪf/ /juː/ /faɪnd/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

inside the elevator, you've gone too far.

/ɡɔːn/ /fɑːr/

You'd think I wouldn't have to say that,

/θɪŋk/ /hæv/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

but you'd be surprised.

/bʌt/ /biː/ /sərˈpraɪzd/

All yours, buddy.

/ɔːl/ /jɔːrz/ /ˈbʌdi/

The thing you're about to do in here--

/θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /duː/ /hɪr/

I did that in here, too.

/dɪd/ /ðæt/ /hɪr/

Three minutes ago.

/θriː/ /əˈɡoʊ/

I was here eight minutes ago.

/wɒz/ /hɪr/ /eɪt/ /əˈɡoʊ/

14 minutes ago.

/əˈɡoʊ/

I'm here every Thursday.

/hɪr/ /ˈɛv.ri/

I can't do it, Doc.

/duː/ /ɪt/

Is there, like, another option?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /laɪk/ /əˈnʌðər/

Could I... Could I take this home?

/kʊd/ /kʊd/ /teɪk/ /hoʊm/

Sure, you could, but, uh...

/ʃʊr/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /bʌt/

we close in an hour and I'm not back till Tuesday.

/wiː/ /kloʊs/ /ˈaʊ.ər/ /ænd/ /bæk/

So, clock is ticking. Make it fast.

/klɒk/ /ɪz/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /fæst/

Only way I know how, Doc.

/ˈoʊnli/ /weɪ/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/

Only way I know how.

/ˈoʊnli/ /weɪ/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/

Surprise! Surprise!

/sərˈpraɪz/ /sərˈpraɪz/

Mom. Dad. Uh...

/mɒm/ /dæd/

What are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

We hadn't heard from you in a couple days.

/wiː/ /hɜːrd/ /juː/ /ˈkʌpəl/

We were worried about you.

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈwʌrid/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

For God's sake, son. Do you have any sixes?

/fɔːr/ /sʌn/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/

Go fish.

/ɡoʊ/ /fɪʃ/

Excuse me. Hey, Lily,

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

can I just talk to you in here for a minute? Oh, yeah.

/kæn/ /dʒʌst/ /tɔːk/ /juː/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Isn't it great? They just showed up.

/ɪt/ /ɡreɪt/ /ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌp/

Your mom's already rearranged my kitchen,

/jʊr/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /maɪ/ /ˈkɪtʃɪn/

organized my closet...

/maɪ/

and she asked me if I lost height.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /miː/ /ɪf/ /lɒst/

Not weight. Height.

Yeah, I'm very excited that they're here, too.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /ðæt/ /hɪr/

But right now, I have to get excited about something else.

/bʌt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /hæv/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɛls/

Oh, okay. Well, I'll go handle your parents.

/wɛl/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈhændl/ /jʊr/ /ˈpɛərənts/

And you handle your, well...

/ænd/ /juː/ /ˈhændl/ /jʊr/ /wɛl/

Wait, wait, wait. Marshall.

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/

Thank you, baby. You're the best.

/juː/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /bɛst/

Marshall. Marshall. Marshall. Marshall.

I just got my new bathing suit for the beach this summer.

/dʒʌst/ /maɪ/ /njuː/ /suːt/ /fɔːr/ /biːtʃ/ /ˈsʌmər/

It's a two-piece. I mean, can you imagine?

/miːn/ /kæn/ /juː/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/

Me in a two-piece

/miː/

bathing suit at my age?

/suːt/ /maɪ/ /eɪdʒ/

Just picture it!

/dʒʌst/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /ɪt/

Picture it!

/ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /ɪt/

That's why Fred Cox

/waɪ/

is the greatest kicker the Vikings ever had.

/ɪz/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/

Seriously, Marshall, picture it.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /ɪt/

Just picture it.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /ɪt/

Give me a "C." Give me an "O."

/ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/

Give me an "X."

/ɡɪv/ /miː/

What's that spell? Cox! Cox!

/ðæt/

Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox!

Uh... Uh...

Okay, I did a bad thing last night.

/dɪd/ /bæd/ /θɪŋ/ /læst/ /naɪt/

I looked up his address.

/ʌp/ /hɪz/

Who? Ai?

/huː/

Sorry. You said "who."

/ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /huː/

It reminded me of the owl footage.

/ɪt/ /miː/

Genius.

No.

/noʊ/

Sandy. How dare he laugh at you.

/haʊ/ /hiː/ /læf/ /juː/

Who does he think...

/huː/ /dʌz/ /hiː/ /θɪŋk/

Sorry. "Who."

/ˈsɒr.i/ /huː/

Anyway.

/ˈɛniweɪ/

I looked up his address in your contact list.

/ʌp/ /hɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈkɒntækt/ /lɪst/

Oh, God. Tell me you didn't go over there.

/tɛl/ /miː/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

I just thought he needed to listen to common sense

/dʒʌst/ /θɔːt/ /hiː/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /ˈkɒmən/ /sɛns/

and reasonable discourse.

/ænd/ /ˈriːzənəbl/

Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists.

/tɛl/ /miː/ /ðoʊz/ /jʊr/

They're my feet.

/maɪ/ /fiːt/

I'm actually more of a kicker.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /mɔːr/

So I went to his apartment.

/wɛnt/ /hɪz/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Ah... Ah...

You're not the pizza guy.

/ɡaɪ/

Oh, my God. This is...

/maɪ/ /ɪz/

This is how you make sure Sandy never makes fun of you again.

/ɪz/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /fʌn/ /juː/ /əˈɡɛn/

I told you to steer into the skid. That was bad advice.

/toʊld/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /bæd/ /ədˈvaɪs/

So new advice.

/njuː/ /ədˈvaɪs/

Steer into Sandy, and run him down.

/ænd/ /rʌn/ /hɪm/ /daʊn/

If people found out Sandy wears a toupee...

/ɪf/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /aʊt/

Really? That's your take-away?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /jʊr/

Nothing on the bear in the bra?

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /bɛr/

Oh, no. He's very open about that.

/noʊ/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

That's Gregory.

Nice guy.

/naɪs/ /ɡaɪ/

And the top is so low-cut.

/ænd/ /tɒp/ /ɪz/

Your father says he has

/jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /hiː/ /hæz/

front-row seats to the Minnesota Twins.

Oh. Oh.

By the way, Marshall,

/weɪ/

we do need to know if you're coming to Florida this summer.

/wiː/ /duː/ /niːd/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /ˈsʌmər/

Are you coming?

/juː/

Marshall? Marshall?

Marshall, are you coming?

/juː/

This isn't working.

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/

Where you going, son?

/wɛr/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /sʌn/

I'm-I'm going to...

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

I'm-I'm going to...

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Kids, to this day, your uncle Marshall is thankful

/kɪdz/ /deɪ/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ɪz/

for what Lily said next.

/fɔːr/ /wɒt/ /sɛd/ /nɛkst/

He's going to masturbate.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Lily! Lily!

Marshall, just tell them what's going on.

/dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /ðɛm/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

And so Marshall told his parents everything.

/ænd/ /toʊld/ /hɪz/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

And so, now, I'm just scared

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /skɛrd/

that we won't be able to give you a grandchild.

/ðæt/ /wiː/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈɡræntʃaɪld/

Aw, Marshall. Aw, Marshall.

Hey, we don't care about that one bit.

/wiː/ /kɛr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

And if you guys want kids,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɒnt/ /kɪdz/

there are other ways.

/ðɛr/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /weɪz/

Adoption.

/əˈdɒpʃən/

Maybe you have a good friend who could loan you some sperm?

/ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ɡʊd/ /frɛnd/ /huː/ /kʊd/ /ləʊn/ /juː/ /sʌm/

Aw, yeah.

Maybe adoption.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /əˈdɒpʃən/

What I'm saying is,

/wɒt/ /ɪz/

we love you no matter what.

/wiː/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /wɒt/

Now, why don't you pretend you're in high school,

/naʊ/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/

get back in that bathroom,

/ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /ðæt/ /ˈbæθruːm/

and "blow dry your hair."

/ænd/ /draɪ/ /jʊr/ /hɛr/

Wait, you knew?

/weɪt/ /juː/ /njuː/

We didn't have a hair dryer, dear.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /hɛr/ /dɪər/

So?

Possibly last day of work?

/læst/ /deɪ/ /wɜːrk/

Actually, it was a good day.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/ /deɪ/

And I need more numbers

/ænd/ /niːd/ /mɔːr/ /ˈnʌmbərz/

on how the holiday season impacted the economy.

/ɒn/ /haʊ/ /ˈhɒlɪdeɪ/ /ɪˈkɒnəmi/

Sparkles, got anything on malls?

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Actually, Sandy,

/ˈæktʃuəli/

I have something I think you're all gonna want to see.

/hæv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /θɪŋk/ /ɔːl/ /wɒnt/ /siː/

Yes! Put him in a body bag!

/pʊt/ /hɪm/ /ˈbɒdi/ /bæɡ/

Hoo! Hoo! Hyah!

Okay, I didn't do it. What?

/duː/ /ɪt/ /wɒt/

I didn't want to just viciously attack someone

/wɒnt/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈtæk/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

out of the blue like some kind of...

/aʊt/ /bluː/ /laɪk/ /sʌm/ /kaɪnd/

Owl? Exactly.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

So, instead of taking your advice,

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /jʊr/ /ədˈvaɪs/

I took your advice.

/tʊk/ /jʊr/ /ədˈvaɪs/

That day, Robin decided to steer into the skid.

/ðæt/ /deɪ/

And though she never quite shook the nickname,

/ænd/ /ðoʊ/ /ʃiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /kwaɪt/

Sparkles went on to do very well at World Wide News.

/wɛnt/ /ɒn/ /duː/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /wɛl/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/

Especially after this happened.

/ɪˈspɛʃəli/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈhæpənd/

After his parents had gone back to Minnesota,

/ˈæf.tər/ /hɪz/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /hæd/ /ɡɔːn/ /bæk/

Marshall got the results of his test.

/hɪz/ /tɛst/

I'm afraid I have some very bad news, Marshall.

/əˈfreɪd/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /bæd/ /njuːz/

Judging from the results of your test, it is...

/jʊr/ /tɛst/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

it is very unlikely that you'll be able to father a child.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ðæt/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /tʃaɪld/

Oh, God.

I know, I know.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

It's just...

/dʒʌst/

Now...

/naʊ/

in some rare cases, a regimen change

/sʌm/ /rɛr/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

can fix the problem,

/kæn/ /fɪks/ /ˈprɒbləm/

so I'm recommending a spirited cardio routine.

/ˈkɑːrdioʊ/ /ruːˈtiːn/

Preferably

with a partner,

/wɪð/ /ˈpɑːrtnər/

involving any light-based firearm activity

/ˈɛn.i/

in the Tri-State area.

/ˈɛriə/

Poughkeepsie, for example.

/fɔːr/ /ɪɡˈzɑːm.pəl/

Have you heard of the gentlemen's sport

/hæv/ /juː/ /hɜːrd/ /spɔːrt/

known as laser tag?

/ˈleɪzər/

Surprise!

/sərˈpraɪz/

Damn it, Barney!

/ɪt/

What are you doing in here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Think about it, Marshall.

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

All entrants get 20% off at the snack bar!

/ɔːl/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒf/ /snæk/ /bɑːr/

Oh, BT-dub,

the receptionist. What's her situation?

/hɜːr/ /ˌsɪtʃuˈeɪʃən/

Go!

/ɡoʊ/

Well, Marshall. Well, Marshall.

/wɛl/ /wɛl/

I've got your results.

/jʊr/

And?

/ænd/

Your sperm is fine.

/jʊr/ /ɪz/ /faɪn/

My sperm is fine!

/maɪ/ /ɪz/ /faɪn/

Count, motility...

/kaʊnt/

everything's off the charts.

/ɒf/ /tʃɑːrts/

You, sir, have got some strong swimmers.