Season 6 · Tập 5

NARRATOR: Kids, in the fall of 2010,

/kɪdz/ /fɔːl/

I was designing the new headquarters

/wɒz/ /dɪˈzaɪnɪŋ/ /njuː/

for Goliath National Bank,

/fɔːr/ /ˈnæʃənl/ /bæŋk/

which meant working side by side

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /saɪd/ /saɪd/

with your Uncle Barney.

/wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

I love your idea

/lʌv/ /jʊr/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

about a giant rooftop ring of fire

/əˈbaʊt/ /rɪŋ/ /faɪər/

you can jump through with a motorcycle,

/juː/ /kæn/ /dʒʌmp/ /θruː/ /wɪð/

but I tweaked it slightly and...

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ˈslaɪtli/ /ænd/

This is still super bad-ass.

/ɪz/ /ˈsuːpər/

It's now a patio garden where you can bring a nice bag lunch.

/naʊ/ /ˈɡɑːr.dən/ /wɛr/ /juː/ /kæn/ /brɪŋ/ /naɪs/ /bæɡ/ /lʌntʃ/

Sick.

/sɪk/

Yeah.

Dude.

Working together is gonna be legen...

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /ɪz/ /biː/

Wait for it.

/weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

I'll send you an inter-office memo with the rest

/sɛnd/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /rɛst/

'cause we freakin' work together!

/kɔːz/ /wiː/ /wɜːrk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Everything was going great.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡreɪt/

That is, right up until Barney said...

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /raɪt/ /ʌp/ /ənˈtɪl/ /sɛd/

Oh, big news.

/bɪɡ/ /njuːz/

The board finally settled on a site for the building.

/bɔːrd/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /ɒn/ /saɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

It was the site of The Arcadian,

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /saɪt/

one of New York's grandest old hotels.

/njuː/ /oʊld/

In its heyday, it was the New York home to kings and queens.

/ɪts/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /hoʊm/ /ænd/

But lately...

/bʌt/

...mostly just queens.

/dʒʌst/

Hi, handsome.

Lookin' for a date?

/fɔːr/ /deɪt/

Uh, no, thank you.

/noʊ/ /juː/

Still got it.

/ɪt/

Barney, we have to talk.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/

Sure. What's up?

/ʃʊr/ /ʌp/

Excuse me, Mr. Stinson.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Not now, Trish!

/naʊ/

But there's an urgent memo for Mr. Mosby.

/bʌt/ /fɔːr/

"Dary." Legendary!

So, what's on your mind?

/ɒn/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/

I can't design the building.

/dɪˈzaɪn/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby. No, no.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Not the slipper socks with the rubber soles.

/wɪð/

I work so hard to-to set the mood,

/wɜːrk/ /hɑːrd/ /sɛt/

and-and when I see those,

/wɛn/ /siː/ /ðoʊz/

I feel the egg go

/fiːl/ /ɡoʊ/

right back up my Fallopian tube.

/raɪt/ /bæk/ /ʌp/ /maɪ/

Baby, these satin sheets are slippery.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ðiːz/

Papa needs traction. Traction?

/ˈpɑːpə/

As you know,

/juː/ /noʊ/

Papa likes to get down with enthusiasm.

/ˈpɑːpə/ /ɡɛt/ /daʊn/ /wɪð/

Please stop calling yourself "Papa."

/pliːz/ /stɒp/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /ˈpɑːpə/

And without traction,

/ænd/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

Papa's likely to boogie himself right out of bed.

/ˈlaɪkli/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/ /raɪt/ /aʊt/ /bɛd/

It's either these or soccer cleats.

/ˈiː.ðər/ /ðiːz/

Hey, so I talked to Robin.

I guess she and Max hooked up last night.

/ɡɛs/ /ʃiː/ /ænd/ /hʊkt/ /ʌp/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Kids, as you may remember, Max was a friend of Marshall's

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /meɪ/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɒz/ /frɛnd/

from law school...

/lɔː/ /skuːl/

with whom Robin was really starting to hit it off.

/wɪð/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/

Nice! I love that guy.

/naɪs/ /lʌv/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

Max is both his name and his level of awesomeness.

/ɪz/ /boʊθ/ /hɪz/ /neɪm/ /ænd/ /hɪz/ /ˈlɛv.əl/

Yeah. He's a sweet guy.

/swiːt/ /ɡaɪ/

She feels really comfortable with him.

/ʃiː/ /fiːlz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈkʌmftəbl/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

They bonded over hockey.

/ðeɪ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈhɒki/

I guess he has a small penis,

/ɡɛs/ /hiː/ /hæz/ /smɔːl/

but they want to double-date next weekend.

/bʌt/ /ðeɪ/ /wɒnt/ /nɛkst/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

Why would you tell me that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /ðæt/

So you'll clear your schedule.

/klɪər/ /jʊr/ /ˈskɛdʒuːl/

No! The other part!

/noʊ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /pɑːrt/

Oh, the small penis thing?

/smɔːl/ /θɪŋ/

Ah! Don't! Stop saying that!

/stɒp/ /ðæt/

Why do you keep saying that? You...

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /ðæt/ /juː/

I don't want to know that.

/wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

I'm not going to be able to look the guy in the eye.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /lʊk/ /ɡaɪ/ /aɪ/

I'm certainly not going to be able to call him "Max."

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /kɔːl/ /hɪm/

That's insane.

/ɪnˈseɪn/

I mean, just because you know Max has a small penis...

/miːn/ /dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /hæz/ /smɔːl/

Just don't!

/dʒʌst/

You're kidding me.

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

I'm sorry. I can't do this

/ˈsɒr.i/ /duː/

if it means tearing down The Arcadian.

/ɪf/ /ɪt/ /daʊn/

It's an architectural landmark.

/ˈlændmɑːrk/

Plus, people live there.

/plʌs/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /lɪv/ /ðɛr/

How does GNB plan to get hundreds of residents

/haʊ/ /dʌz/ /plæn/ /ɡɛt/

to just up and leave?

/dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /liːv/

Snakes. Did you just say "snakes"?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪ/

I don't recall saying "snakes""

Ted, I know you love crappy old stuff no one cares about.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /oʊld/ /stʌf/ /noʊ/ /kɛrz/ /əˈbaʊt/

But I'm gonna give you four words to live by:

/bʌt/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /wɜːrdz/ /lɪv/

New is always better.

/njuː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

New is always better?

/njuː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

You know who's a million times hotter

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈmɪljən/ /taɪmz/ /ˈhɒtər/

than the hottest girl I've ever slept with?

/ðæn/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /slɛpt/ /wɪð/

Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked.

/hɜːr/ /frɛnd/

Why?

/waɪ/

Because new is always better.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /njuː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Mm-hmm? And this theory applies to everything?

/ænd/ /ˈθɪəri/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Everything.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

So, those new

/ðoʊz/ /njuː/

Star Wars movies...

/stɑːr/

Those are better than the old ones?

/ðoʊz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/ /oʊld/

Yeah. The first three barely mention

/fɜːrst/ /θriː/ /ˈmɛnʃən/

the intricacies of intergalactic trade law.

/lɔː/

And when you're at a Guns n' Roses concert,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ɡʌnz/ /ˈkɒnsərt/

you're like, "Yeah, yeah, Paradise City, whatever.

/laɪk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

When are they gonna rock me some Chinese Democracy"?

/wɛn/ /ðeɪ/ /miː/ /sʌm/

Axl's really matured as a songwriter, Ted.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Wendy! I'd like to buy my friend a drink.

/laɪk/ /baɪ/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /drɪŋk/

What's your oldest Scotch?

/jʊr/

Glenmckenna, aged 30 years in oak casks.

Amazing.

/əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

And what's your newest scotch?

/ænd/ /jʊr/

Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch.

Don't let it touch your skin.

/lɛt/ /ɪt/ /tʌtʃ/ /jʊr/ /skɪn/

Your call, buddy.

/jʊr/ /kɔːl/ /ˈbʌdi/

A glass of the J-Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch sounds lovely.

/ɡlæs/ /ˈlʌvli/

Lots of ice.

/aɪs/

New is always better, Ted!

/njuː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

That's a rule.

/ruːl/

Just like bigger is always better!

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Pfft. That's not true.

/truː/

Uh, sometimes smaller is better.

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

"Hey, look how big my cell phone is!"

/lʊk/ /haʊ/ /bɪɡ/ /maɪ/ /foʊn/ /ɪz/

You don't hear people say that.

/juː/ /hɪr/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

No. You want something compact

/noʊ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

and efficient that fits comfortably in your pocket,

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/

and I think Max is just a great guy.

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡreɪt/ /ɡaɪ/

Lily told you.

/toʊld/ /juː/

Told him what?

/toʊld/ /hɪm/ /wɒt/

Max has a small penis.

/hæz/ /smɔːl/

How can you speak of such things?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /spiːk/ /sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋz/

Girls talk about everything.

/ɡɜːrlz/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Size, shape,

/saɪz/ /ʃeɪp/

left or right leaning orientation...

/lɛft/ /raɪt/

Length, resemblance to a historical figure,

such as Winston Churchill...

/sʌtʃ/

Yes, that's one of you.

/juː/

Girth, grooming...

How can you speak of such things?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /spiːk/ /sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋz/

You're kidding.

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/

Barney, every time I mention a woman you don't know,

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /juː/ /noʊ/

the first thing you say is, "Boobs?"

/fɜːrst/ /θɪŋ/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɪz/

Not the complete sentence, "Does she have big boobs?"

/kəmˈpliːt/ /ˈsɛntəns/ /dʌz/ /ʃiː/ /hæv/ /bɪɡ/

Which also would not be great.

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ɡreɪt/

Just: "Boobs?"

/dʒʌst/

I do not do that.

/duː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

My friend Lori from work...

/maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /wɜːrk/

Boobs? Damn it.

/ɪt/

But... seriously.

/bʌt/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/

Boobs?

So why is it okay

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

for guys to talk about boobs,

/fɔːr/ /ɡaɪz/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

but the moment we bring up a topic

/bʌt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /wiː/ /brɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /ˈtɒp.ɪk/

like Max's small penis...

/laɪk/ /smɔːl/

I'm gonna pretend this conversation never happened.

/ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈhæpənd/

Impossible. Max's penis is stuck in my brain like a splinter.

/ɪmˈpɒsɪbl/ /ɪz/ /stʌk/ /maɪ/ /breɪn/ /laɪk/

Like a splinter-sized splinter.

/laɪk/

Speaking of disappointing weenies...

/ˈspiːkɪŋ/

Ted, tell them what you told me

/tɛl/ /ðɛm/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /toʊld/ /miː/

I want to ask the board at GNB

/wɒnt/ /æsk/ /bɔːrd/

to move the site for the new headquarters

/muːv/ /saɪt/ /fɔːr/ /njuː/

so we don't have to tear down a classic old building.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /daʊn/ /ˈklæsɪk/ /oʊld/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

I still don't get this.

/ɡɛt/

Why, all of a sudden, out of nowhere,

/waɪ/ /ɔːl/ /aʊt/

do you want to ruin...

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈruːɪn/

Wait a minute.

/weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Who's the girl?

/ɡɜːrl/

Duh. LILY: Of course there's a girl.

/kɔːrs/ /ɡɜːrl/

What? I...

/wɒt/

There's no g-girl.

/noʊ/

Why would you even...

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/

Her name is Zoey.

/hɜːr/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

Boobs?

Beautiful building, right?

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /raɪt/

Look, mister, you are very convincing,

/lʊk/ /juː/ /ˈvɛr.i/

and I am very flattered.

/ænd/ /ˈvɛr.i/

Confused, even.

/kənˈfjuːzd/ /ˈiːvən/

But I'm not looking...

/bʌt/

I'm not a drag queen.

But you definitely have me rethinking this eye shadow.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /hæv/ /miː/ /aɪ/

Not only is she funny,

/ˈoʊnli/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /ˈfʌn.i/

hot and genetically female,

/hɒt/ /ænd/ /ˈfiːmeɪl/

but get this...

/bʌt/ /ɡɛt/

Look at the Palladian windows, the rusticated stonework,

/lʊk/

the marble cornices...

She's an architecture nerd!

/ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

A hot architecture nerd!

/hɒt/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

That's the dream!

/driːm/

Whose dream?

/driːm/

We wound up talking for hours.

/wiː/ /wuːnd/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /ˈaʊərz/

I love how old parts of the city are.

/lʌv/ /haʊ/ /oʊld/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Hmm.

It makes me feel connected to history.

/ɪt/ /miː/ /fiːl/ /ˈhɪstəri/

Old is always better. I can't wait to be old.

/oʊld/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /weɪt/ /biː/ /oʊld/

Me, too.

/miː/

You can wear elastic everything.

/juː/ /kæn/ /wɛr/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Your lipstick doesn't have to stay inside the lines.

/jʊr/ /hæv/ /steɪ/

You can shoplift and pretend you're just confused.

/juː/ /kæn/ /ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /kənˈfjuːzd/

You could nap anywhere. Uh-huh.

/juː/ /kʊd/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

Even while driving.

/ˈiːvən/ /waɪl/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/

It's gonna be great.

/biː/ /ɡreɪt/

I can't wait to be all run-down and weathered and wrinkly.

/weɪt/ /biː/ /ɔːl/ /ænd/ /ænd/

Well, I'd say you got a pretty long wait.

/wɛl/ /seɪ/ /juː/ /ˈprɪti/ /lɔːŋ/ /weɪt/

That's sweet.

/swiːt/

It would be sweeter if you hadn't thought

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /θɔːt/

I was a tranny before, but it's still sweet.

/wɒz/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /bʌt/ /swiːt/

Oh, Ted, that's so romantic.

/roʊˈmæntɪk/

I want to fill a pillowcase

/wɒnt/ /fɪl/

with dead batteries and beat you with it.

/wɪð/ /dɛd/ /ænd/ /biːt/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

Hey, Ted,

can I ask you something?

/kæn/ /æsk/ /juː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Anything.

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Will you sign this petition?

/wɪl/ /juː/ /saɪn/

"Save The Arcadian""

/seɪv/

We are gonna stop the bastards at Goliath National Bank

/wiː/ /stɒp/ /ˈnæʃənl/ /bæŋk/

from demolishing it.

/ɪt/

Will you support us?

/wɪl/ /juː/ /səˈpɔːrt/ /ʌs/

And you said...?

/ænd/ /juː/ /sɛd/

Where do I sign?

/wɛr/ /duː/ /saɪn/

Hmm.

Grape scotch. Not bad.

/bæd/

Ted, you only think The Arcadian needs to be saved

/juː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋk/ /biː/

because some pretty girl thinks that.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /sʌm/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ðæt/

And seriously...

/ænd/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/

Boobs?

This isn't about the girl.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɜːrl/

It's about the building.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

And what did this "Zoey" say

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /dɪd/ /seɪ/

when she found out that you're the one

/wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/

tearing down her beloved Arcadian?

/daʊn/ /hɜːr/

That you, Ted Mosby, are the Architect Of Destruction?

/ðæt/ /juː/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

MARSHALL: Whoa!

Sweet wrestling name alert.

/swiːt/ /neɪm/

Well...

/wɛl/

Uh, it's a... it's a funny thing about that...

/ˈfʌn.i/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

So what do you do, Ted?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /duː/

I'm a veterinarian.

What? I panicked!

/wɒt/

This whole Arcadian thing is classic Mosby.

/hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ˈklæsɪk/

Changing your personality to fit some girl.

/jʊr/ /fɪt/ /sʌm/ /ɡɜːrl/

I don't do that.

/duː/ /ðæt/

Well, off to meet Steph.

/wɛl/ /ɒf/ /miːt/

We're adrenaline junkies!

Penelope is taking me to the Battle of Gettysburg.

/ɪz/ /miː/

We're gonna eat squirrel!

/iːt/

Look, she's really hot, okay?

/lʊk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɒt/

ALL: Aww! Come on! Come on!

/ɔːl/ /ɔː/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

We all change a little for whoever we're into.

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /fɔːr/

Barney pretended to be a rabbi to get laid.

/biː/ /ɡɛt/

Asian girls love them some Jews.

/ɡɜːrlz/ /lʌv/ /ðɛm/ /sʌm/

And Marshall never would've listened

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

to The Indigo Girls if it weren't for Lily.

/ɡɜːrlz/ /ɪf/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/

Um, I think you got that backwards there, Chief.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /ðɛr/

And you're welcome.

/ænd/ /ˈwɛlkəm/

The point is, you weren't pretending

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /juː/

to like the Indigo Girls for the other person.

/laɪk/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

You realized you liked them because of the other person.

/juː/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /juː/ /ðɛm/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

Just like me, Zoey and The Arcadian.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /miː/ /ænd/

Did GNB really put snakes in The Arcadian?

/dɪd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /pʊt/

No.

/noʊ/

Technically, they were eggs.

/ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /ɛɡz/

Did you just say "eggs"? I don't recall saying "eggs."

/dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /ɛɡz/ /ɛɡz/

So I walk into my boss's office

/wɔːk/ /maɪ/ /ˈɒfɪs/

and suddenly I realize,

/ænd/ /ˈsʌd.ən.li/

"Holy crap, I'm about to quit""

/əˈbaʊt/ /kwɪt/

MARSHALL: Small penis.

/smɔːl/

You have a small penis.

/juː/ /hæv/ /smɔːl/

Oh, that's super interesting, but you have a small penis.

/ˈsuːpər/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /smɔːl/

Damn it, Marshall!

/ɪt/

Okay. Okay. Think of any two words

/θɪŋk/ /ˈɛn.i/ /tuː/ /wɜːrdz/

other than "small" or "penis."

/ˈʌð.ər/ /ðæn/ /smɔːl/

Got it: small penis.

/ɪt/ /smɔːl/

Damn it!

/ɪt/

Yeah, I-I think it is so cool

/θɪŋk/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /kuːl/

that you started your own law firm.

/ðæt/ /juː/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/ /lɔː/

Well, right now it's a pretty small practice.

/wɛl/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /ˈprɪti/ /smɔːl/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/

: Hey, hey.

I bet it's not that small.

/bɛt/ /ðæt/ /smɔːl/

Bro, it's...

/broʊ/

pretty small.

/ˈprɪti/ /smɔːl/

Yeah, but, uh, you know what they say.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ðeɪ/ /seɪ/

The important thing is-is how you use it, you know?

/ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /θɪŋ/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /juːz/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /noʊ/

"The motion of the ocean." That whole thing.

/ˈmoʊʃən/ /ðæt/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

He said it's small, Marshall, and everybody's fine with that.

/hiː/ /sɛd/ /smɔːl/ /ænd/ /faɪn/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

Let's just move on.

/dʒʌst/ /muːv/ /ɒn/

I'm just saying that I bet it's bigger than he thinks.

/dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /bɛt/ /ðæn/ /hiː/

And thick.

/ænd/ /θɪk/

Nah. Everything about it is tiny.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈtaɪni/

The office is tiny. The conference room is tiny.

/ˈɒfɪs/ /ɪz/ /ˈtaɪni/ /ˈkɒnfərəns/ /ruːm/ /ɪz/ /ˈtaɪni/

Plus, I got a very small staff.

/plʌs/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /smɔːl/ /stæf/

Let's order!

/ˈɔːrdər/

NARRATOR: As I was mustering the courage to call Zoey

/wɒz/ /kɔːl/

and tell her my true identity...

/ænd/ /tɛl/ /hɜːr/ /maɪ/ /truː/

Zoey... Zoey...

I'm Batman.

Hmm. That'd be cool.

/biː/ /kuːl/

...the strangest thing happened.

/θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/

I need your help.

/niːd/ /jʊr/ /hɛlp/

Just to warn you.

/dʒʌst/ /wɔːrn/ /juː/

What I'm about

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

to show you is not a hundred percent legal.

/ʃoʊ/ /juː/ /ɪz/ /ˈhʌndrəd/ /pərˈsɛnt/ /ˈliːɡəl/

Wasn't expecting bunnies.

I stole them, Ted.

/stoʊl/ /ðɛm/

My animal rights group liberated these guys

/maɪ/ /ˈænɪməl/ /ɡruːp/ /ðiːz/ /ɡaɪz/

from an evil cosmetics company.

/ˈiːvəl/ /ˈkʌmpəni/

And I figured, "Hey, Ted's a vet.

/ænd/

He can check them out and make sure they're okay."

/hiː/ /kæn/ /tʃɛk/ /ðɛm/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/

Absolutely. Just let me run up and get my bag of vet supplies.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /rʌn/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /bæɡ/

Okay.

Why would I say that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

Well, I know what I'm getting.

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

Oh? Oh? The porterhouse.

I've had it here before.

/hæd/ /ɪt/ /hɪr/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

It is like this. It's huge.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/ /hjuːdʒ/

Well, spare no expense, buddy.

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /ˈbʌdi/

Dinner is on me, and-and get dessert.

/ˈdɪn.ər/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/ /dɪˈzɜːrt/

Maybe this molten chocolate lava cake?

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈtʃɒklɪt/ /keɪk/

I just want you to be happy.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /juː/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/

Thanks, man.

/mæn/

Next time, it is on me. Aw.

/nɛkst/ /taɪm/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/ /miː/

Excuse me. I'll be right back. All right. MARSHALL: Totally.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /biː/ /raɪt/ /bæk/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

We'll just be here.

/dʒʌst/ /biː/ /hɪr/

You're great.

/ɡreɪt/

Ah. Thanks, bro.

/broʊ/

It's, uh.... it's going on a while.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /waɪl/

I know.

/noʊ/

Thanks.

Damn, baby, be cool!

/ˈbeɪbi/ /biː/ /kuːl/

You're acting like

/ˈæktɪŋ/ /laɪk/

he has six months to live.

/hiː/ /hæz/ /sɪks/ /lɪv/

It's your fault!

/jʊr/ /fɔːlt/

You ladies and your salty sailor talk!

/juː/ /ænd/ /jʊr/ /ˈsɔːlti/ /tɔːk/

Oh, come on! What about you men and your locker room talk?

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /mɛn/ /ænd/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/ /tɔːk/

Locker room talk.

/ruːm/ /tɔːk/

Do you want to know what it's like

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /laɪk/

in a men's locker room?

/ruːm/

Hey. Hey.

MARSHALL: It's just a bunch of uncomfortable dudes

/dʒʌst/

trying to get out of there as quickly as possible.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ˈkwɪk.li/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

And one old guy just letting it all hang out.

/ænd/ /oʊld/ /ɡaɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /aʊt/

Are you suggesting

/juː/

that guys don't talk about sex?

/ðæt/ /ɡaɪz/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /sɛks/

Yes, we do, but you know what we say?

/wiː/ /duː/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /seɪ/

"I hit that."

/ðæt/

"I got some."

/sʌm/

"I tapped it."

/ɪt/

"I squeezed those."

/ðoʊz/

Discreet and efficient.

/ænd/

Not to mention classy.

/ˈmɛnʃən/

Thank God that I'm not dating.

/ðæt/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

If I thought that Lily talked in that much detail

/ɪf/ /θɔːt/ /ðæt/ /ðæt/ /mʌtʃ/

about our sex life, I'd probably kill myself.

/əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/ /sɛks/ /laɪf/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /kɪl/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

Oh, no.

/noʊ/

What did you tell her?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /hɜːr/

: Oh, nothing.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

We don't talk about you!

/wiː/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

Are you sure?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/

Yeah. That argument has no traction whatsoever.

/ðæt/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/ /hæz/ /noʊ/

You just broke in and stole these guys?

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ænd/ /stoʊl/ /ðiːz/ /ɡaɪz/

Aren't you worried about getting arrested?

/juː/ /ˈwʌrid/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

Nah. I've been arrested lots of times.

/taɪmz/

Chinese Democracy. Album Chinese Democracy.

/ˈælbəm/

Wow.

You're a little bit crazy.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Well, I'm usually crazy for a good cause.

/wɛl/ /ˈjuː.ʒu.ə.li/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /fɔːr/ /ɡʊd/ /kɔːz/

I can't just sit by while voiceless people or animals,

/dʒʌst/ /sɪt/ /waɪl/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

or even buildings get screwed over.

/ˈiːvən/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

I'm certainly not going to just sit by

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /dʒʌst/ /sɪt/

while GNB turns The Arcadian into a soulless metal box.

/waɪl/ /bɒks/

Yeah. Yeah.

Although I hear there's a lovely rooftop patio

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /hɪr/ /ˈlʌvli/

where folks can enjoy a nice bag lunch, so...

/wɛr/ /kæn/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /naɪs/ /bæɡ/ /lʌntʃ/

Ted, I will find the bastards at GNB responsible for this,

/wɪl/ /faɪnd/ /rɪˈspɒnsɪbl/ /fɔːr/

and I promise you,

/ænd/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /juː/

I will take them down.

/wɪl/ /teɪk/ /ðɛm/ /daʊn/

Cuckoo!

Ted, this woman is an anarchist,

/ˈwʊm.ən/ /ɪz/

a sociopath, a lunatic,

and for the love of God, boobs?!

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /lʌv/

Solid C-cup, perky bounce.

Momentary grudging respect.

/rɪˈspɛkt/

Zoey does what she believes is right,

/dʌz/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /raɪt/

and I want to do the same thing.

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /duː/ /seɪm/ /θɪŋ/

We have to find a new site for this building.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /faɪnd/ /njuː/ /saɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Ted, that is never gonna happen.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈhæpən/

Well, I can't tear down The Arcadian.

/wɛl/ /daʊn/

I'm sorry, but I'm off the project.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /ɒf/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/

ZOEY: Hey, guys!

/ɡaɪz/

I appreciate the great turnout,

/əˈpriːʃieɪt/ /ɡreɪt/

but just so we're all on the same page,

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /ɔːl/ /ɒn/ /seɪm/

this is not a rally to legalize marijuana.

/ɪz/

Oh, bummer!

Hey.

Hey, Ted.

I'm so glad you came.

/ɡlæd/ /juː/

Well, you really got to me the other night.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /miː/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /naɪt/

I want to get involved with "Save The Arcadian."

/wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /wɪð/ /seɪv/

Great. I'll grab you a picket sign.

/ɡreɪt/ /ɡræb/ /juː/ /saɪn/

Hmm.

Do you want "GNB puts the douche in fiduciary..""

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

...or "It's always 4:20 somewhere"?

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/

Dudes, you forgot your signs!

/juː/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /jʊr/

NARRATOR: As I looked up at that magnificent old structure,

/ʌp/ /ðæt/ /oʊld/ /ˈstrʌktʃər/

I realized I wasn't letting my feelings for Zoey mislead me.

/ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /maɪ/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

This building really was worth saving.

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒz/ /wɜːrθ/

Ted, everything okay?

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Yea... um... um...

You work for GNB?

/juː/ /wɜːrk/ /fɔːr/

Dude, why are you dressed like a wizard?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /laɪk/

She was really hot, okay?

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɒt/

How the hell could you do that?

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

Simple. I rented the chair.

/ˈsɪm.pəl/ /tʃɛr/

The bunny was here already. That was lucky.

/wɒz/ /hɪr/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈlʌki/

I waited to do the dramatic swivel

/duː/

until I heard your key enter the door.

/ənˈtɪl/ /hɜːrd/ /jʊr/ /kiː/ /ˈɛntər/ /dɔːr/

The billboard, Barney.

I had to. Now that you have no shot with the girl,

/hæd/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /ʃɒt/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/

you'll realize you never cared about the building,

/juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

and everything can go back to normal.

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /kæn/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /ˈnɔːrməl/

You're wrong. I do care.

/rɒŋ/ /duː/ /kɛr/

And I'm still quitting.

/ænd/

Don't you get it, Ted?

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

We're tearing down The Arcadian either way.

/daʊn/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /weɪ/

It's a stupid old piece-of-crap, run-down, snake-infested dump!

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /oʊld/ /dʌmp/

Okay, are there or aren't there snakes?!

/ðɛr/ /ðɛr/

Who mentioned snakes?!

/huː/

And stop shouting!

/ænd/ /stɒp/

You're scaring Cottontail.

You named the rabbit?

/juː/ /neɪmd/

You took longer to get here than I thought,

/juː/ /tʊk/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪr/ /ðæn/ /θɔːt/

we bonded, I'm keeping her.

/wiː/ /hɜːr/

The point is,

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/

you now have a chance

/juː/ /naʊ/ /hæv/ /tʃæns/

to design your own building.

/dɪˈzaɪn/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Dude,

you can do whatever you want with it.

/juː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

You're right.

/raɪt/

You're right. I can design it however I want.

/raɪt/ /kæn/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /ɪt/ /haʊˈɛv.ər/ /wɒnt/

So you're back in?

/bæk/

Yeah.

NARRATOR: That night, as I worked on a new design

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /wɜːrkt/ /ɒn/ /njuː/ /dɪˈzaɪn/

that just might solve all my problems...

/ðæt/ /dʒʌst/ /maɪt/ /sɒlv/ /ɔːl/ /maɪ/

...Marshall was visited by a disturbing vision.

/wɒz/

LILY: Ugh, he thinks I like this...

/ʌɡ/ /hiː/ /laɪk/

But it feels disgusting.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /fiːlz/ /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/

Uh, it looks disgusting.

/ɪt/ /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/

Um...

Uh, is this working for you?

/ɪz/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

"Uh, is this working for you?"

/ɪz/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Oh, of course,

/kɔːrs/

because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /laɪk/ /ɒn/

while some giant paws at her nether regions

/waɪl/ /sʌm/ /hɜːr/

like Lenny from Of Mice and Men?

/laɪk/ /ænd/ /mɛn/

Oh, you're bad.

/bæd/

More Cosmos?

/mɔːr/

I can't... I can't do this!

/duː/

I can't stop thinking about you and Robin!

/stɒp/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /ænd/

Oh, I've had that a couple times.

/hæd/ /ðæt/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /taɪmz/

Just lean into it and let it fuel things.

/dʒʌst/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ˈfjuːəl/ /θɪŋz/

Look, no. You know what?

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Why don't you just... Why don't you just

/waɪ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/

call Robin, okay, and have a good laugh about it?

/kɔːl/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /ɡʊd/ /læf/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Traction could have prevented that.

/kʊd/ /hæv/ /ðæt/

Well, A,

/wɛl/

hope you don't mind, we made some changes to the billboard.

/hoʊp/ /juː/ /maɪnd/ /wiː/ /sʌm/

Well, that explains a few voicemails.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /fjuː/

Listen, Zoey, I think we can save The Arcadian.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /seɪv/

No. Maybe not

/noʊ/ /ˈmeɪbi/

in the way you were picturing,

/weɪ/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

but I stayed up all night

/bʌt/ /ʌp/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

working on a new concept, all right?

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /njuː/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

What if my design could incorporate

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /maɪ/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /kʊd/

The Arcadian's facade

into the new GNB headquarters?

/njuː/

NARRATOR: Kids, it was one of those moments in life

/kɪdz/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ðoʊz/ /laɪf/

where everything comes together...

/wɛr/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

the girl, the building, everything, until...

/ɡɜːrl/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ənˈtɪl/

Are you married? Yeah.

/juː/ /ˈmærid/

So you were saying, the facade will be completely preserved?

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /kəmˈpliːtli/

This isn't about the girl.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɜːrl/

It's about the building.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

NARRATOR: Yeah, it was about the girl.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɜːrl/

Ted, wh-wh-what are you doing?

/juː/

This wouldn't work.

/wɜːrk/

Zoey, The Arcadian was a really great building once,

/wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /wʌns/

but it's falling apart, and it's full of snakes.

/bʌt/ /ænd/ /fʊl/

Snakes? I don't recall saying snakes.

Then he gets this panicked look on his face, says,

/ðɛn/ /hiː/ /ɡɛts/ /lʊk/ /ɒn/ /hɪz/ /feɪs/

"I can't do this," and storms out.

/duː/ /ænd/ /aʊt/

Wow, that is weird.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/