Season 6 · Tập 4

I cannot stop staring at that girl's face.

/stɒp/ /ðæt/ /feɪs/

Face. Huh.

/feɪs/

That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet.

/jʊr/ /fɔːr/ /jɛt/

No, Ted,

/noʊ/

I'm really looking at her face.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɜːr/ /feɪs/

Aw... that's actually really sweet.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /swiːt/

Puffy cheeks,

smudged mascara,

slightly red nose...

/ˈslaɪtli/ /rɛd/ /noʊz/

That girl was just crying.

/ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/

She's so sad

/sæd/

and defenseless.

/ænd/

Anyone have a condom?

/ˈɛniwʌn/ /hæv/

OTHERS: Oh! Oh, God! No, no, no!

/ˈʌðərz/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

That's it! You know what?

/ɪt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Five-minute time-out!

Corner booth! Now.

/ˈkɔːrnər/ /naʊ/

Hey, get this.

/ɡɛt/

You know my friend Max from law school?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /lɔː/ /skuːl/

He's at Gregor's Steakhouse downtown,

and Woody Allen is sitting two tables over.

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /tuː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

He wants us to come check it out.

/hiː/ /ʌs/ /kʌm/ /tʃɛk/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

I don't know, it could be cool.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /kuːl/

I've never seen Woody Allen.

/ˈnɛv.ər/

What?! Robin, how can you be a New Yorker

/wɒt/ /haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /biː/ /njuː/

and never have seen Woody Allen? I have seen

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hæv/ /hæv/

plenty of other famous people.

/ˈplɛnti/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈfeɪməs/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

Last week I saw... Maury Povich.

/læst/ /wiːk/ /sɔː/

NARRATOR: Kids, you know talk show host Maury Povich.

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /tɔːk/ /ʃoʊ/

It was uncanny how often we saw this guy.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /haʊ/ /ˈɔː.fən/ /wiː/ /sɔː/ /ɡaɪ/

Dude, everyone sees Maury Povich.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Maury Povich is everywhere.

/ɪz/ /ˈɛvriwɛr/

I'm sorry, Robin, but you're

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/

not a real New Yorker

/riːl/ /njuː/

until you've seen Woody Allen.

/ənˈtɪl/

I am, too, a real New Yorker.

/riːl/ /njuː/

That's adorable.

/əˈdɔːrəbəl/

You're from Canada.

/ˈkænədə/

I have been here for almost six years.

/hæv/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /sɪks/

It's not like I just got off a boat.

/laɪk/ /dʒʌst/ /ɒf/ /boʊt/

A boat!

/boʊt/

Oh, wait, that is how you say it.

/weɪt/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/

I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab

/seɪ/ /riːl/ /njuː/ /ənˈtɪl/ /kæb/

from someone who needs it more than you do.

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /huː/ /ɪt/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /juː/ /duː/

No, you're not a real New Yorker till you've cried on the subway

/noʊ/ /riːl/ /njuː/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌbweɪ/

and not given a damn what anyone thinks.

/ænd/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/ /wɒt/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

No, you're not a real New Yorker

/noʊ/ /riːl/ /njuː/

until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hands.

/ənˈtɪl/ /kɪld/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /hændz/

Those rules are all stupid, okay?

/ðoʊz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

I've never done any of those things.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /dʌn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ðoʊz/ /θɪŋz/

By the end of this day,

/ɛnd/ /deɪ/

Robin would have done all of those things.

/wʊd/ /hæv/ /dʌn/ /ɔːl/ /ðoʊz/ /θɪŋz/

Okay, time's up.

/ʌp/

What are we talking about?

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Woody Allen is eating at Gregor's,

/ɪz/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/

and Robin thinks that we should go see him.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /siː/ /hɪm/

Why would I do that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /duː/ /ðæt/

I'll see him at poker on Tuesday.

/siː/ /hɪm/ /ɒn/

Oh, come on, if we jump in a cab,

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɪf/ /wiː/ /dʒʌmp/ /kæb/

we'll be there in 15 minutes.

/biː/ /ðɛr/

A real New Yorker would know the subway's faster.

/riːl/ /njuː/ /wʊd/ /noʊ/

You just take the one, and transfer to the two-three.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /teɪk/ /ænd/

Well, the bus runs more often on weekends.

/wɛl/ /bʌs/ /mɔːr/ /ˈɔː.fən/ /ɒn/

Take the M-7 to the M-5.

/teɪk/

The bus? Every time I take the bus,

/bʌs/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /teɪk/ /bʌs/

there is one crazy person no one wants to sit near.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /noʊ/ /sɪt/ /nɪər/

That's why I have never taken the bus.

/waɪ/ /hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /bʌs/

MARSHALL: Plus...

/plʌs/

I can run faster than a bus.

/kæn/ /rʌn/ /ðæn/ /bʌs/

Dude, that's, like, seven miles.

/laɪk/ /ˈsɛvən/ /maɪlz/

You can't do that.

/juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

You can't beat the bus! I can beat

/juː/ /biːt/ /bʌs/ /kæn/ /biːt/

a bus or a cab or a train!

/bʌs/ /kæb/ /treɪn/

Is anyone else suddenly craving green eggs and ham?

/ɪz/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /ɛls/ /ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /ɡriːn/ /ɛɡz/ /ænd/

Machines are overrated, and someone needs to take them down a peg.

/ænd/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /teɪk/ /ðɛm/ /daʊn/

You're all wrong... I got a way to get there so fast, I could beat all of you,

/ɔːl/ /rɒŋ/ /weɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛr/ /fæst/ /kʊd/ /biːt/ /ɔːl/ /juː/

even if I

/ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/

sat down and ordered

/sæt/ /daʊn/ /ænd/ /ˈɔːrdərd/

a big, juicy steak first.

/bɪɡ/ /fɜːrst/

How?

/haʊ/

Medium rare.

/rɛr/

But that's not important right now.

/bʌt/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Look, I know the city better than any of you guys, okay?

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Oh, my God! Oh, wow!

/maɪ/

All right, all right, hold on, hold on!

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Let's just forget about it.

/dʒʌst/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Who cares? I mean, there's no way

/huː/ /kɛrz/ /miːn/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/

to find out who's right anyway.

/faɪnd/ /aʊt/ /raɪt/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

First person there wins!

/fɜːrst/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ðɛr/

Doesn't matter how you get there!

/ˈmætər/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛr/

Stay sad! I'll be back!

/steɪ/ /sæd/ /biː/ /bæk/

Hi. Can I see a menu, please?

/kæn/ /siː/ /ˈmɛnjuː/ /pliːz/

No rush.

/noʊ/

NARRATOR: Kids, I should tell you,

/kɪdz/ /ʃʊd/ /tɛl/ /juː/

Lily really needed a win that day.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɪn/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/

When Marshall and Lily decided to have a baby,

/wɛn/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

they assumed it would happen right away.

/ðeɪ/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /ˈhæpən/ /raɪt/ /əˈweɪ/

It's gonna be positive.

/biː/ /ˈpɒzɪtɪv/

Eriksen man are hella fertile.

/mæn/

When Uncle Morris was 16, he got his girlfriend pregnant

/wɛn/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /wɒz/ /hiː/ /hɪz/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

just by holding her hand too tight in the backseat of a car.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /hænd/ /taɪt/ /kɑːr/

Now I'm thinking my parents lied to me.

/naʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /laɪd/ /miː/

Negative.

/ˈnɛɡətɪv/

As the weeks went by,

/wɛnt/

Marshall's confidence never wavered.

/ˈnɛv.ər/

Then it started to mess with Lily's head.

/ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /mɛs/ /wɪð/ /hɛd/

: Negative?

/ˈnɛɡətɪv/

Well, we know it's not me.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /noʊ/ /miː/

Everything's fine.

/faɪn/

These things take time.

/ðiːz/ /θɪŋz/ /teɪk/ /taɪm/

Not with an Eriksen.

/wɪð/

Something must be wrong with you.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /mʌst/ /biː/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Also, my mom hates you.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /heɪts/ /juː/

You know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Just to make sure, I'm gonna pee on this again.

/dʒʌst/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /piː/ /ɒn/ /əˈɡɛn/

TINY MARSHALL: What? WTF?

/ˈtaɪni/ /wɒt/

No, you wouldn't.

/noʊ/ /juː/

Somebody help me!

/ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /hɛlp/ /miː/

Lily was so fed up with not getting anywhere,

/wɒz/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

maybe winning this race was just what she needed.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/ /reɪs/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/

Idiot! Ngu si!

/ˈɪdiət/

MARSHALL: I'll show them.

/ʃoʊ/ /ðɛm/

My body can outrun any motorized vehicle.

/maɪ/ /ˈbɒdi/ /kæn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈviːɪkəl/

I'm like John Henry when he beat the steam engine.

/laɪk/ /wɛn/ /hiː/ /biːt/ /stiːm/

All I need is a great folk song.

/ɔːl/ /niːd/ /ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/ /sɒŋ/

¶ Gather round, ye children ¶

/ˈɡæðər/ /raʊnd/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/

¶ To hear the tale so sweet ¶

/hɪr/ /swiːt/

¶ Of a man who dared to race machines ¶

/mæn/ /huː/ /reɪs/

¶ With nothing but his feet ¶

/wɪð/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /hɪz/ /fiːt/

Suck it, Grand-butt!

/ɪt/

¶ Marshall ¶ ♪ Marshall ♪

¶ Versus the machines ¶

¶ Hyah! ¶

Ooh, taxi!

Excuse me, I got a thing.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /θɪŋ/

Maury... Maury... Maury... Maury...

Track maintenance?

20-minute delay?

/ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /dɪˈleɪ/

How do you do that?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

I grew up here; I speak conductor.

/ʌp/ /hɪr/ /spiːk/

Damn it!

/ɪt/

Damn it!

/ɪt/

NARRATOR: Kids, I also needed a win that day.

/kɪdz/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /wɪn/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/

A couple nights earlier, your Uncle Marshall

/ˈkʌpəl/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

had offhandedly mentioned a Web site called...

/hæd/ /wɛb/ /saɪt/

Grademyteacher.net? Capdogiaoviencuatoi.net?

It's this awesome site where students can go say

/ˈɔːsəm/ /saɪt/ /wɛr/ /ˈstjuːdənts/ /kæn/ /ɡoʊ/ /seɪ/

what they really think about their professors.

/wɒt/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðɛr/

Hey, you're probably on there.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /ɒn/ /ðɛr/

I couldn't help but see what my students had written about me.

/hɛlp/ /bʌt/ /siː/ /wɒt/ /maɪ/ /ˈstjuːdənts/ /hæd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

And it was...

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

...majestic.

Until...

/ənˈtɪl/

Now, kids, I knew I was a good professor.

/naʊ/ /kɪdz/ /njuː/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/ /prəˈfɛsər/

That's why I didn't let it bother me.

/waɪ/ /lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ˈbɒðər/ /miː/

I had nothing to prove.

/hæd/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /pruːv/

Absolutely nothing.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Here's a fun fact.

/fʌn/ /fækt/

See the Alberta Building over there?

/siː/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

Oh. The brown one or the gray one? That's the gray one.

Did you know

/dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/

that in 18...

/ðæt/

Hey!

Come on!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Elizabeth! Elizabeth!

Somebody call an ambulance!

/ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /kɔːl/ /ˈæmbjʊləns/

Excuse me, I've got a thing. Hey!

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /θɪŋ/

That's my cab! Gregor's Steakhouse, downtown.

/maɪ/ /kæb/

This is my cab...!

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /kæb/

Downtown hospital, please.

/ˈhɒspɪtəl/ /pliːz/

It's right by Gregor's Steakhouse.

/raɪt/

Take the FDR, and maybe crank up some smooth jazz.

/teɪk/ /ænd/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ʌp/ /sʌm/

Uh, we're required by law to take you to the nearest hospital,

/lɔː/ /teɪk/ /juː/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/

which is St. Luke's-Roosevelt.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/

Uptown.

Oh, no.

/noʊ/

It's Barney.

: Help me.

/hɛlp/ /miː/

NARRATOR: Robin also needed a win that day.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /wɪn/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/

It had been a rough year for Robin.

/ɪt/ /hæd/ /rʌf/ /jɪr/ /fɔːr/

First her boyfriend and former cohost, Don,

/fɜːrst/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /ænd/

left her for another job.

/lɛft/ /hɜːr/ /fɔːr/ /əˈnʌðər/ /dʒɒb/

Then Robin met her new cohost, Becky.

/ðɛn/ /hɜːr/ /njuː/

Hi! I'm Becky!

Hi.

I am so excited to be your coanchor!

/ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /biː/ /jʊr/

Yay!

/jeɪ/

Hi, Becky. My, you're perky.

/maɪ/

Don't worry, I am not here to step on your toesies.

/ˈwʌri/ /hɪr/ /stɛp/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/

Oh...

You're still the star.

/stɑːr/

I made chocolate chip cookies for everybody!

/ˈtʃɒklɪt/ /ˈkʊkiz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/

Yay!

/jeɪ/

And just like that,

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Becky started to eclipse Robin.

This is my cab! Aah!

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /kæb/

Keep it.

/kiːp/ /ɪt/

Hello.

Ranjit, take me to Gregor's.

/teɪk/ /miː/

Taking you to Gregor's.

/juː/

¶ As Marshall ran with all his might ¶

/ræn/ /wɪð/ /ɔːl/ /hɪz/ /maɪt/

¶ And passed his friend Christine ¶

/ænd/ /hɪz/ /frɛnd/

Hey, Christine.

¶ He thought of all the times ¶

/hiː/ /θɔːt/ /ɔːl/ /taɪmz/

¶ That he had beaten the machine ¶

/ðæt/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /məˈʃiːn/

¶ He triumphed over "Pitfall" ¶

/hiː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

¶ He vanquished the alarm ¶

/hiː/

¶ He brought the jukebox back to life ¶

/hiː/ /bæk/ /laɪf/

¶ With his Fonzarelli arm ¶

/wɪð/ /hɪz/

¶ Marshall ¶ ♪ Marshall ♪

¶ Versus the machines. ¶

Ow. Ow. Ao, ao.

Ow. ao.

Last seat.

/læst/ /siːt/

Thank God.

I just had the worst cab ride of my life.

/dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /wɜːrst/ /kæb/ /raɪd/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Well, you're in luck.

/wɛl/ /lʌk/

See that gothic church over there?

/siː/ /ðæt/ /tʃɜːrtʃ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

Those Corinthian columns were designed by Giuseppe Pegatto in 1896.

/ðoʊz/ /wɜːr/

Ow. Ow. Ao, ao.

Ow. Ao.

Hey, Ranjit, pull over.

/pʊl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Pulling over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

Hey, toots!

How about a ride?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /raɪd/

Oh. Hey, Robin, it's you.

/juː/

See that over there?

/siː/ /ðæt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

That's the old Arcadian Hotel.

/oʊld/ /hoʊˈtɛl/

Fun fact... while today its neoclassical fenestration

/fʌn/ /fækt/ /waɪl/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ɪts/

is considered to be...

/ɪz/ /biː/

So, is this ride your way of apologizing for this morning?

/ɪz/ /raɪd/ /jʊr/ /weɪ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

I'm sorry. I never apologize.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/

And why would I?

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /wʊd/

Are you kidding me?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

Hey, Barney, can I talk to you?

/kæn/ /tɔːk/ /juː/

Sure. Stand a little more this way.

/ʃʊr/ /stænd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/ /weɪ/

I'm scouting some talent.

/sʌm/

Pretend we're talking about something important.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

Oh, well, this... this is something important.

/wɛl/ /ɪz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

Um, I'm having a... a really rough time at work.

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /rʌf/ /taɪm/ /wɜːrk/

You know, the whole Becky thing...

/juː/ /noʊ/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

Oh, you know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

That's just getting distracting.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

Um, say "carrots and peas."

/seɪ/ /ænd/

Carrots and peas.

/ænd/

Carrots and peas.

/ænd/

: Carrots and peas.

/ænd/

Guys, I can't stop staring at that girl's face.

/ɡaɪz/ /stɒp/ /ðæt/ /feɪs/

What, you really had something to talk about? Yes.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hæd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

Look, I've spent the last six years in this city,

/lʊk/ /læst/ /sɪks/ /ˈsɪt.i/

focusing on my career, all for nothing.

/ɒn/ /maɪ/ /kəˈrɪr/ /ɔːl/ /fɔːr/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Some lady almost got me killed.

/sʌm/ /ˈleɪdi/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /miː/ /kɪld/

Maury Povich stole my cab.

/stoʊl/ /maɪ/ /kæb/

I swear, this city is starting to reject me

/swɛər/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ɪz/ /miː/

like a bad organ transplant.

/laɪk/ /bæd/ /ˈɔːrɡən/

You know, everyone keeps saying that I'm not a real New Yorker.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ðæt/ /riːl/ /njuː/

Well, maybe I should just stop trying.

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ʃʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /stɒp/

Robin, I had no idea.

/hæd/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

No, it's my fault for thinking that you might care.

/noʊ/ /maɪ/ /fɔːlt/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /kɛr/

Ranjit, stop the car.

/stɒp/ /kɑːr/

Stopping the car.

/kɑːr/

No, don't stop the car.

/noʊ/ /stɒp/ /kɑːr/

Not stopping the car.

/kɑːr/

Seriously, stop the car.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /stɒp/ /kɑːr/

Seriously stopping the car.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /kɑːr/

Look, you...

/lʊk/ /juː/

Wait, wait... Robin, hold on.

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

If you want to talk, I'm right here.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /tɔːk/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/

Carrots and peas.

/ænd/

Don't...

You...

/juː/

I'll crank up the smooth jazz.

/ʌp/

¶ Our hero's strength was fading fast ¶

/aʊər/ /wɒz/ /fæst/

¶ Just as the light ¶

/dʒʌst/ /laɪt/

¶ Turned... ¶

¶ Green ¶

/ɡriːn/

¶ He then thought back

/hiː/ /ðɛn/ /θɔːt/ /bæk/

¶ To all the times ¶

/ɔːl/ /taɪmz/

¶ He'd lost to a machine ¶

/lɒst/ /məˈʃiːn/

Come on, Playboy Channel.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈtʃænəl/

¶ The cable box is fearsome ¶

/bɒks/ /ɪz/

¶ But the stapler's mighty sting... ¶

/bʌt/

Come on, Spice Channel.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /spaɪs/ /ˈtʃænəl/

¶ The cable box's bite again... ¶

/baɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/

¶ Getting too tired ¶

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/

¶ To sing. ¶

/sɪŋ/

Kids, that day, I had a horrible realization.

/kɪdz/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/ /hæd/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/

If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus...

/ɪf/ /juː/ /spɒt/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ɒn/ /bʌs/

...it's you.

/juː/

The good news is, I was halfway there,

/ɡʊd/ /njuːz/ /ɪz/ /wɒz/ /ðɛr/

and nothing could stop me.

/ænd/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /kʊd/ /stɒp/ /miː/

Whoa!

This is crazy.

/ɪz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I can't believe it.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ɪt/

Okay, this is clearly a sign.

/ɪz/ /ˈklɪərli/ /saɪn/

Let's just call it a tie.

/dʒʌst/ /kɔːl/ /ɪt/ /taɪ/

Forget about the race.

/fərˈɡɛt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /reɪs/

Head back to the bar.

/hɛd/ /bæk/ /bɑːr/

Absolutely.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/

The race was back on.

/reɪs/ /wɒz/ /bæk/ /ɒn/

MAURY POVICH: Idiot. Ngu si.

/ˈɪdiət/

One subway car over...

/ˈsʌbweɪ/ /kɑːr/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

: Oh, God.

Oh, bite me!

/baɪt/ /miː/

Faster. Mush! Mush! Nhanh! Nhanh!

I need this win. I need this win.

/niːd/ /wɪn/ /niːd/ /wɪn/

And firing half my department freed up the money

/ænd/ /hæf/ /maɪ/ /dɪˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ʌp/ /ˈmʌn.i/

to double my own salary.

/ˈdʌbəl/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/ /ˈsæləri/

And this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night,

/ænd/ /tʃɪk/ /wɒz/ /hɒt/ /bɛd/ /læst/ /naɪt/

and I'm getting more muscular,

/ænd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /mɔːr/

even though I've stopped working out,

/ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /aʊt/

and I've got this amazing poker group.

/ænd/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /ɡruːp/

Actually, Barney did not need a win.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /dɪd/ /niːd/ /wɪn/

And I smell incredible. Smell me.

/ænd/ /smɛl/ /smɛl/ /miː/

Just, seriously, smell me.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/ /smɛl/ /miː/

He did smell incredible.

/hiː/ /dɪd/ /smɛl/

Stop!

/stɒp/

Too slow. Switch.

/sloʊ/ /swɪtʃ/

Sweetie?

/ˈswiːti/

Are you okay?

/juː/

No.

/noʊ/

I am done with this city. It wins.

/dʌn/ /wɪð/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ɪt/

I just want to move somewhere new and start over.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /muːv/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/ /njuː/ /ænd/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

You've had a rough year.

/hæd/ /rʌf/ /jɪr/

But you're tough.

/bʌt/

And I love you like crazy.

/ænd/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /ˈkreɪzi/

If you left, I'd have to follow you.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /lɛft/ /hæv/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /juː/

And Marshall would follow me.

/ænd/ /wʊd/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /miː/

And Ted would follow him.

/ænd/ /wʊd/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /hɪm/

The only upside is that we might get rid of Barney.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /maɪt/ /ɡɛt/

Bring it in.

/brɪŋ/ /ɪt/

What did he say?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /hiː/ /seɪ/

No clue.

/noʊ/

Hey, is that Maury Povich?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/

Hey! Lily.

Sorry, sweetie.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈswiːti/

I swear I'll be a great friend

/swɛər/ /biː/ /ɡreɪt/ /frɛnd/

at the finish line, but the conductor just said

/ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /laɪn/ /bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /sɛd/

you're going express to Borough Hall,

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɪkˈsprɛs/ /hɔːl/

which means you're screwed, sweetie.

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈswiːti/

So long, sucker.

/lɔːŋ/

Bring it in.

/brɪŋ/ /ɪt/

Damn it.

/ɪt/

Hey, it's Lily. Help me.

/hɛlp/ /miː/

And not a single passenger would listen to me.

/ænd/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /wʊd/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /miː/

I mean, am I a bad teacher?

/miːn/ /bæd/ /ˈtiː.tʃər/

Do I just put people to sleep?

/duː/ /dʒʌst/ /pʊt/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /sliːp/

Buddy?

/ˈbʌdi/

Hey, buddy?

/ˈbʌdi/

Need a hand?

/niːd/ /hænd/

The machines have won!

/hæv/ /wʌn/

The machines have won.

/hæv/ /wʌn/

Dude, mellow.

I can't do it. I can't run that far.

/duː/ /ɪt/ /rʌn/ /ðæt/ /fɑːr/

I can't outrace anything.

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

I-I can't...

I can't get my wife pregnant!

/ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

Wait.

/weɪt/

Is that what this whole stupid running thing has been about?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /wɒt/ /hoʊl/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /θɪŋ/ /hæz/ /əˈbaʊt/

My body has been letting me down, and I just wanted

/maɪ/ /ˈbɒdi/ /hæz/ /miː/ /daʊn/ /ænd/ /dʒʌst/

to prove that it could still do something,

/pruːv/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/ /kʊd/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

but it can't.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/

Dude, you've been trying for two months,

/fɔːr/ /tuː/

not two years. That's nothing.

/tuː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Well, you should talk.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /tɔːk/

You know, you're the one who's freaking out

/juː/ /noʊ/ /aʊt/

because you have one mediocre review

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /hæv/ /rɪˈvjuː/

and, like, 50 great ones.

/ænd/ /laɪk/ /ɡreɪt/

64. But whatever.

/bʌt/

And you're designing a frickin' building.

/ænd/ /dɪˈzaɪnɪŋ/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

I mean, come on, dude.

/miːn/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

Sounds like you guys need to clear everything,

/laɪk/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /niːd/ /klɪər/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

subtract the negativity,

and add some perspective.

/ænd/ /æd/ /sʌm/

LILY: Marshall! Marshall!

Marshall, get in!

/ɡɛt/

Hello.

There it is.

/ðɛr/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

Where are Marshall and Lily?

/wɛr/ /ænd/

Who cares?

/huː/ /kɛrz/

I won? I won!

/wʌn/ /wʌn/

No!

/noʊ/

I can't believe I won!

/bɪˈliːv/ /wʌn/

How did that even happen?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /ðæt/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈhæpən/

Here's how it happened.

/haʊ/ /ɪt/ /ˈhæpənd/

Okay, he's in. Go. Go. Gun it.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡʌn/ /ɪt/

Ted is in the way. Run him over.

/ɪz/ /weɪ/ /rʌn/ /hɪm/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Running him over.

/ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /hɪm/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

No. Lily, what the hell is the matter with you?

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈmætər/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Nothing. I just want to win this really badly.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /wɪn/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

So badly that I just ditched my best friend

/ðæt/ /dʒʌst/ /maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/

when she needed me.

/wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /miː/

Oh, baby, you were also going to run over Ted.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /rʌn/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Why did I get so crazy about this?

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /əˈbaʊt/

Maybe for the same reason that I kept saying

/ˈmeɪbi/ /fɔːr/ /seɪm/ /ˈriːzən/ /ðæt/

that I could run seven miles.

/ðæt/ /kʊd/ /rʌn/ /ˈsɛvən/ /maɪlz/

I... I'm trying to be really, um, confident and positive

/biː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈkɒnfɪdənt/ /ænd/ /ˈpɒzɪtɪv/

about all this, but, baby, I'm really scared

/əˈbaʊt/ /ɔːl/ /bʌt/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /skɛrd/

that we're not pregnant yet.

/ðæt/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /jɛt/

Oh, thank God.

I keep thinking there's

/kiːp/

something wrong with me.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /miː/

It's only been two months.

/ˈoʊnli/ /tuː/

We are crazy.

/wiː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

We're totally crazy.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈkreɪzi/

This is the last time

/ɪz/ /læst/ /taɪm/

it's ever going to be just the two of us.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /dʒʌst/ /tuː/ /ʌs/

Shouldn't we be enjoying that?

/wiː/ /biː/ /ðæt/

We gotta go back to Paris.

/wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/

And take ballroom dancing.

/ænd/ /teɪk/ /ˈdænsɪŋ/

And really learn how to ski.

/ænd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /lɜːrn/ /haʊ/

Not just up and get faced in the lodge.

/dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/

And see Coney Island. I've still never been.

/ænd/ /siː/ /ˈaɪlənd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

See, we have a whole bucket list of things to do

/siː/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /hoʊl/ /lɪst/ /θɪŋz/ /duː/

before we start having kids.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /wiː/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /kɪdz/

Oh, a cradle list.

/lɪst/

I'm... Anh...

so glad we're trying, and I'm going to be really excited

/ɡlæd/ /ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/

for when it happens, but this isn't a race.

/fɔːr/ /wɛn/ /ɪt/ /ˈhæpənz/ /bʌt/ /reɪs/

This isn't a race.

/reɪs/

Ranjit, screw Gregor's.

/skruː/

Let's go to Coney Island.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

Screwing Gregor's. Going to Coney Island.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

As for how Robin beat me and Barney,

/fɔːr/ /haʊ/ /biːt/ /miː/ /ænd/

to this day, your uncle Barney won't admit it...

/deɪ/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ɪt/

Who cares? But here's what I saw:

/huː/ /kɛrz/ /bʌt/ /wɒt/ /sɔː/

I saw Barney notice Robin's face...

/sɔː/ /ˈnoʊtɪs/ /feɪs/

and maybe realize something.

/ænd/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Barney says he tripped,

/hiː/

but it sure felt like he tackled me on purpose.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ʃʊr/ /fɛlt/ /laɪk/ /hiː/ /miː/ /ɒn/

And when Robin won,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /wʌn/

I could have sworn I saw him smile.

/kʊd/ /hæv/ /sɔː/ /hɪm/ /smaɪl/

I won! No!

/wʌn/ /noʊ/

I know what you did back there.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /bæk/ /ðɛr/

Yeah.

Check it.

/tʃɛk/ /ɪt/

I just drove a pedicab 26 blocks,

/dʒʌst/

and I still smell incredible.

/ænd/ /smɛl/

Smell me.

/smɛl/ /miː/

I'm not gonna...

Not gonna... Smell me.

/smɛl/ /miː/

He did smell incredible.

/hiː/ /dɪd/ /smɛl/

Wait a minute.

/weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

So, where is Woody Allen?

/wɛr/ /ɪz/

He's right there.

/raɪt/ /ðɛr/

Damn it, Max. That's Maury Povich.

/ɪt/

I always get those two confused.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /ðoʊz/ /tuː/ /kənˈfjuːzd/

Technically, there was only one winner that day.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/

And in that race, everyone found exactly what they needed.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /reɪs/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /ðeɪ/

It's true,

/truː/

she wouldn't see Woody Allen

/ʃiː/ /siː/

for another couple months,

/fɔːr/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈkʌpəl/

but that's how Robin became,

/bʌt/ /haʊ/

by just about any definition of the term...

/dʒʌst/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɛn.i/ /tɜːrm/

...a real New Yorker.

/riːl/ /njuː/