Season 8 · Tập 9

Well, it's come to this-- we're drinking with our baby in a bar.

/wɛl/ /kʌm/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /aʊər/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /bɑːr/

It is not a bar.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /bɑːr/

It's a restaurant that happens to have a bar.

/ˈrɛstərɒnt/ /ðæt/ /ˈhæpənz/ /hæv/ /bɑːr/

Ergo, we are good parents.

/wiː/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈpɛərənts/

Unrelated: I'm getting faced right now.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Papa needs a grease coat.

/ˈpɑːpə/ /koʊt/

While it is heartwarming to watch

/waɪl/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /wɒtʃ/

your firstborn teethe on a jalapeño popper,

/jʊr/ /ɒn/

wasn't Mickey gonna watch him today?

/wɒtʃ/ /hɪm/ /təˈdeɪ/

My dad's out all week.

/maɪ/ /aʊt/ /ɔːl/ /wiːk/

He's got the sniffles.

For someone who's survived numerous beatings

/fɔːr/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

from loan sharks, he has

/ləʊn/ /hiː/ /hæz/

a surprisingly delicate constitution.

Well, my semester's over

/wɛl/ /maɪ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

and the GNB building is finally done.

/ænd/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /dʌn/

If you guys want, I'm free to watch Marvin.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɒnt/ /friː/ /wɒtʃ/

I'm meeting with a headhunter

/ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /wɪð/

next week to line up

/nɛkst/ /wiːk/ /laɪn/ /ʌp/

my next project, but until then, what the hell?

/maɪ/ /nɛkst/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/ /bʌt/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ðɛn/ /wɒt/

Ted, although a "what the hell" attitude is

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈætɪtjuːd/ /ɪz/

incredibly sought after in a babysitter,

/ˈæf.tər/

I think that Lily and Marshall...

/θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ænd/

You're hired.

/haɪərd/

Now that we've been

/naʊ/ /ðæt/

parents for awhile, we realize

/ˈpɛərənts/ /fɔːr/ /wiː/

that pretty much any moron can take care of a baby.

/ðæt/ /ˈprɪti/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈɛn.i/ /kæn/ /teɪk/ /kɛr/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Thank you.

/juː/

Mine!

/maɪn/

Ow. Ow.

Delicious and mine.

/dɪˈlɪʃəs/ /ænd/ /maɪn/

They do look yummy yum-yum, mister.

/ðeɪ/ /duː/ /lʊk/

No. No!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

What have I done?!

/wɒt/ /hæv/ /dʌn/

I am so sorry, Cornelius.

/ˈsɒr.i/

You deserve a better end than this!

/juː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ɛnd/ /ðæn/

You got ketchup on a red tie.

/juː/ /ɒn/ /rɛd/ /taɪ/

You can't even see it.

/juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /siː/ /ɪt/

Clear! Xong!

/klɪər/

I'm going in.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Oh, my...

/maɪ/

Damn it, guys, we lost him.

/ɪt/ /ɡaɪz/ /wiː/ /lɒst/ /hɪm/

And he was so close to retirement.

/ænd/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /kloʊs/ /rɪˈtaɪərmənt/

Just this morning he said to me,

/dʒʌst/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /hiː/ /sɛd/ /miː/

"I'm getting too old for this shirt."

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /ʃɜːrt/

I know, dude.

/noʊ/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

You are such a good folder.

/juː/ /sʌtʃ/ /ɡʊd/

That's, like, The Gap good.

/laɪk/ /ɡʊd/

Robin... Robin...

...let's go hit the bar.

/ɡoʊ/ /bɑːr/

At this restaurant.

/ˈrɛstərɒnt/

I think they have a bar here.

/θɪŋk/ /ðeɪ/ /hæv/ /bɑːr/ /hɪr/

Okay, what was that? What was what?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /wɒt/

The "dumb cheerleader flirting with the quarterback" thing.

/wɪð/ /θɪŋ/

You looked like you were gonna

/juː/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

chase Barney down with

/daʊn/ /wɪð/

a sixer of watermelon wine coolers.

/waɪn/

First of all, those bad girls come in fourskis.

/fɜːrst/ /ɔːl/ /ðoʊz/ /bæd/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /kʌm/

And second, why would I be flirting with Barney?

/ænd/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /waɪ/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /wɪð/

I'm not interested in him, and I made that very clear.

/ˈɪntrəstɪd/ /hɪm/ /ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /klɪər/

With something that I did.

/wɪð/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /dɪd/

Recently.

/ˈriːsəntli/

Just spill it.

/dʒʌst/ /ɪt/

The other week, Barney made a move,

/ˈʌð.ər/ /wiːk/ /muːv/

but I turned him down.

/bʌt/ /hɪm/ /daʊn/

I felt awful for closing the door in his face,

/fɛlt/ /fɔːr/ /dɔːr/ /hɪz/ /feɪs/

but he realized I was right.

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/

I'm done trying to get you.

/dʌn/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/

I can't do it anymore.

/duː/ /ɪt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

And now I get it. Get what?

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛt/ /wɒt/

You may have closed the door on Barney, but he locked it.

/juː/ /meɪ/ /hæv/ /kloʊzd/ /dɔːr/ /ɒn/ /bʌt/ /hiː/ /ɪt/

What? No, he didn't.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /hiː/

Yeah, he got the last word,

/hiː/ /læst/ /wɜːrd/

and now you want

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

what you can't have, like you always do.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /duː/

It's the classic lobster situation.

/ˈklæsɪk/ /ˌsɪtʃuˈeɪʃən/

I'm afraid you're allergic to lobster.

/əˈfreɪd/

You can never, ever, ever have it.

/juː/ /kæn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæv/ /ɪt/

Oh, this... is... delicious.

/ɪz/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/

Once you learned you couldn't have lobster,

/wʌns/ /juː/ /lɜːrnd/ /juː/ /hæv/

you became obsessed.

/juː/

Barney's the same thing.

/seɪm/ /θɪŋ/

And this is gonna blow up in your face,

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/ /feɪs/

just like the lobster blew up your face.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/ /feɪs/

Wrong. This is nothing like lobster.

/rɒŋ/ /ɪz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /laɪk/

Okay.

Just remember, you can never hook up with Barney again.

/dʒʌst/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /əˈɡɛn/

That's fine. Never.

/faɪn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

Ever, ever, ever, ever.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Oh, no.

/noʊ/

Marshall, Lily and Ted can't make it,

/ænd/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/

for viable reasons I just learned

/fɔːr/ /ˈriːzənz/ /dʒʌst/ /lɜːrnd/

via this text message I accidentally deleted.

/tɛkst/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/

Guess it's just gonna be you and me.

/ɡɛs/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /juː/ /ænd/ /miː/

Fine by me.

/faɪn/ /miː/

Me, too. Totally.

/miː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

Supafine.

Hey there, Scherbats, your voice of reason here.

/ðɛr/ /jʊr/ /vɔɪs/ /ˈriːzən/ /hɪr/

What you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

I hope you don't mind,

/hoʊp/ /juː/ /maɪnd/

but I was hungry, so I ordered MacLaren's new special.

/bʌt/ /wɒz/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/ /ˈɔːrdərd/ /njuː/ /ˈspɛʃəl/

I couldn't eat lunch at work because they ordered

/iːt/ /lʌntʃ/ /wɜːrk/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈɔːrdərd/

Thai food.

/fuːd/

I miss you, Cornelius!

/mɪs/ /juː/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

You're so sensitive.

/ˈsɛnsɪtɪv/

And deep.

/ænd/ /diːp/

No. You're better than this.

/noʊ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/

Barney is not like lobster.

/ɪz/ /laɪk/

Okay, that's unfortunate, but it doesn't mean

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /miːn/

you have to hook up with Barney.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/

Whoa! Whoa!

God, you said that out loud!

/juː/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/ /aʊt/ /laʊd/

No, I didn't.

/noʊ/

How would you know? You're out of control.

/haʊ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /aʊt/ /kənˈtroʊl/

Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you, bitch?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /smɑːrt/ /juː/

Um, billion-dollar idea alert.

/aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Why should bibs only be socially acceptable

/waɪ/ /ʃʊd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /biː/

when you're eating lobster?

/wɛn/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/

If we could wear them all the time,

/ɪf/ /wiː/ /kʊd/ /wɛr/ /ðɛm/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

then Corny would still be

/ðɛn/ /wʊd/ /biː/

with us right now.

/wɪð/ /ʌs/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I miss...

/mɪs/

Picture a bib that looks like your suit:

/ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /ðæt/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/ /suːt/

a collar, a tie, a jacket.

/taɪ/ /ˈdʒækɪt/

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Atta girl. Keep it cool.

/ɡɜːrl/ /kiːp/ /ɪt/ /kuːl/

I could call them Brobibs!

/kʊd/ /kɔːl/ /ðɛm/

That's interesting.

/ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/

Yeah, you got this.

/juː/

I'm sorry I called you a bitch.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/

What do you think?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Oh, that idea's amazeballs!

/ðæt/

That's it. I'm out of here.

/ɪt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

I'm out of control.

/aʊt/ /kənˈtroʊl/

I came this close

/kloʊs/

to telling Barney that I wanted him.

/ðæt/ /hɪm/

Robin, as your friend, I got to be honest.

/jʊr/ /frɛnd/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/

I think this Brobibs thing is a frickin' gold mine.

/θɪŋk/ /θɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /maɪn/

What? No.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/

Lily, I really need advice.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /niːd/ /ədˈvaɪs/

Okay.

Invest now.

/naʊ/

Seriously, it's like Apple at ten dollars a share.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /laɪk/ /ˈæp.əl/ /tɛn/ /ʃɛr/

Lily, please.

/pliːz/

Okay, I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I'm just, I'm a little distracted.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

I-I got to get upstairs

/ɡɛt/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/

and check on Ted and Marvin.

/ænd/ /tʃɛk/ /ɒn/ /ænd/

Can we please just talk about this Brobib thing another time?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /pliːz/ /dʒʌst/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈnʌðər/ /taɪm/

How was your day?

/haʊ/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/ /deɪ/

Good, although I think I just saw a woman

/ɡʊd/ /ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /θɪŋk/ /dʒʌst/ /sɔː/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

with a full beard outside.

/wɪð/ /fʊl/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

Marvin crawled!

What?

/wɒt/

He's never done that before.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /dʌn/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

I know!

/noʊ/

I think I just saw a guy with breasts outside.

/θɪŋk/ /dʒʌst/ /sɔː/ /ɡaɪ/ /wɪð/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

Marvin crawled.

I can't believe it. Believe it.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ɪt/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ɪt/

I took a video for you.

/tʊk/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

You're doing it, Marvin.

/ɪt/

Go, go, go, go, go.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡoʊ/

Oh! Oh!

Your Uncle Ted is so proud.

/jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ɪz/ /praʊd/

Whoops. Whoops.

Guess I had the camera flipped.

/ɡɛs/ /hæd/ /ˈkæmərə/

I use it to check my teeth for debris.

/juːz/ /ɪt/ /tʃɛk/ /maɪ/ /tiːθ/ /fɔːr/

Ooh, sounds like somebody's "crawling" me.

/laɪk/ /miː/

Oh, sweetie, oh, come on.

/ˈswiːti/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

Lil, listen, so we missed the first time he crawled.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /wiː/ /mɪst/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /hiː/

So what?

/wɒt/

We'll see it the next time, I promise.

/siː/ /ɪt/ /nɛkst/ /taɪm/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/

Oh, my God, he just did it again!

/maɪ/ /hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/

Guys, get in here! Marvin can't stop crawling!

/ɡaɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪr/ /stɒp/

He's Holden Crawl-field!

Get in here right now-- nope, nope, it's over.

/ɡɛt/ /hɪr/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Okay, hey, I know.

/noʊ/

Baby, I know, I know.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

But, listen, there will be plenty of other Marvin firsts.

/bʌt/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /ðɛr/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /ˈplɛnti/ /ˈʌð.ər/

His first day at school,

/hɪz/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/ /skuːl/

his first trip to meet Santa,

/hɪz/ /fɜːrst/ /trɪp/ /miːt/

his first touchdown pass for

/hɪz/ /fɜːrst/ /pæs/ /fɔːr/

the 2032 Super Bowl champion Vikings-- no pressure.

/ˈsuːpər/ /boʊl/ /noʊ/

I'll love him even if he runs the ball into the end zone.

/lʌv/ /hɪm/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /hiː/ /bɔːl/ /ɛnd/

So can we please just let this crawling thing go?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /pliːz/ /dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /θɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/

Yeah, okay. You're right.

/raɪt/

I mean, I'm being nuts.

/miːn/ /nʌts/

We'll see it when we see it.

/siː/ /ɪt/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /siː/ /ɪt/

Yeah. Yeah.

Do it.

/duː/ /ɪt/

If you ever want to see these boobs again,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /ðiːz/ /əˈɡɛn/

crawl, you son of a me.

/juː/ /sʌn/ /miː/

Come on, Lil.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

You know what they say: a watched tot never crawls.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ðeɪ/ /seɪ/ /wɒtʃt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

Or calls you later in life,

/kɔːlz/ /juː/ /ˈleɪtər/ /laɪf/

after it sees this disturbing footage.

/ˈæf.tər/ /ɪt/

Hey, Lily, Marshall.

Uh, Lily, we need to talk.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/

Oh, that sounds serious!

/ðæt/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

Oh, you guys should talk about it

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ʃʊd/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

down at the bar until after Marvin's asleep.

/daʊn/ /bɑːr/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ˈæf.tər/ /əˈsliːp/

And if you want to stay down there until

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /steɪ/ /daʊn/ /ðɛr/ /ənˈtɪl/

after SportsCenter's over, that's fine, too.

/ˈæf.tər/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /faɪn/

Ooh. Ooh.

Keep shooting.

/kiːp/

If you miss it, I'm leaving you.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /mɪs/ /ɪt/ /juː/

Yeah, that seems about right.

/ðæt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /raɪt/

Sorry if I'm bad company.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ɪf/ /bæd/ /ˈkʌmpəni/

I'm not sure anything is gonna

/ʃʊr/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɪz/

take my mind off of missing Marvin's first crawl.

/teɪk/ /maɪ/ /maɪnd/ /ɒf/ /fɜːrst/

Lily, I've had a revelation.

/hæd/

Brobibs for women.

/fɔːr/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

Bitchbibs! Bitchbibs!

You know Barney's gonna sue us,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ʌs/

but damn it, let's just go for it.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

No, Lily, this is serious.

/noʊ/ /ɪz/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

When that doctor told me I couldn't eat lobster

/wɛn/ /ðæt/ /ˈdɒktər/ /toʊld/ /miː/ /iːt/

and I did it anyway, it almost killed me.

/ænd/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛniweɪ/ /ɪt/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /kɪld/ /miː/

But here's the thing:

/bʌt/ /θɪŋ/

I never wanted lobster again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /əˈɡɛn/

So the solution is obvious.

/səˈluːʃən/ /ɪz/ /ˈɒbviəs/

The only way to get Barney out of my system

/ˈoʊnli/ /weɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪstəm/

is to get him into my system, one last time.

/ɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪm/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪstəm/ /læst/ /taɪm/

It's brilliant, right?

/raɪt/

Not brilliant at all.

/ɔːl/

Thanks for being on board. Not on board.

/fɔːr/ /ɒn/ /bɔːrd/ /ɒn/ /bɔːrd/

It means a lot. Big mistake.

/ɪt/ /lɒt/ /bɪɡ/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

You're my girl.

/maɪ/ /ɡɜːrl/

Now it's just a question of how to get him...

/naʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /haʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪm/

Hey, Robin, I just got your text.

/dʒʌst/ /jʊr/ /tɛkst/

What's the big emergency?

/bɪɡ/ /ɪˈmɜːrdʒənsi/

Hi, Barney!

You seem like you run fast.

/juː/ /siːm/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /rʌn/ /fæst/

Do you want me to fan you with my US magazine?

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /fæn/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ʌs/ /ˌmæɡəˈziːn/

He's fine. Thanks, Patrice.

/faɪn/

Oh, thank goodness you're here.

/hɪr/

I just got this new printer,

/dʒʌst/ /njuː/

and I need somebody big and strong

/ænd/ /niːd/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /bɪɡ/ /ænd/ /strɒŋ/

to take it to my office for me.

/teɪk/ /ɪt/ /maɪ/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

I promise to repay you.

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /juː/

We'll do it for you, Robin!

/duː/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Don't you have a late-breaking weather story to cover, Brandi?

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈwɛðər/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ˈkʌvər/

Oh, I did it already.

/dɪd/ /ɪt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

It rained.

/ɪt/

Oh, I got to jump on

/dʒʌmp/ /ɒn/

a big Brobibs conference call.

/bɪɡ/ /ˈkɒnfərəns/ /kɔːl/

The lawyer from Dude Aprons is really busting my balls.

/ˈlɔːjər/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /maɪ/

See ya.

/siː/

Nobody asked for your help, Patrice!

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /hɛlp/

You either, Brandi!

/juː/ /ˈiː.ðər/

Stop it.

/stɒp/ /ɪt/

Hey, hey.

What are you guys doing slobbering all over my friend?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/

Oh, Barney, don't be jealous.

/biː/ /ˈdʒɛləs/

If you're gonna drool, do it in style!

/ɪf/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /staɪl/

Just go to Brobibs.com.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /kɒm/

We've got every look in the book.

/ˈɛv.ri/ /lʊk/ /bʊk/

The Business Casual.

/ˈbɪznɪs/

The Preppy.

The Robin Williams. Robin Williams.

Bib up!

/ʌp/

Brobibs is in no way affiliated with,

/ɪz/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/ /wɪð/

inspired by or derivative of Dude Aprons.

Hey, there.

/ðɛr/

Hey!

It is so good to see you.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɡʊd/ /siː/ /juː/

Thanks, Robin.

This game affects my league score.

/ɡeɪm/ /maɪ/ /liːɡ/ /skɔːr/

Look, I don't agree with your lobster quest,

/lʊk/ /əˈɡriː/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/

but I can't stand watching you make a fool of yourself.

/bʌt/ /stænd/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /juː/ /meɪk/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

You want the fix? I got the fix.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /fɪks/ /fɪks/

Back in college...

/bæk/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

it was love at first sight for me and Marshall,

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /lʌv/ /fɜːrst/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /ænd/

but when it came to making the first move, well,

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /ɪt/ /fɜːrst/ /muːv/ /wɛl/

he needed help.

/hiː/ /hɛlp/

So I took matters into my own hands.

/tʊk/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/ /hændz/

♪

Let's get out of here.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

You just need a girl who, I don't know,

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /niːd/ /ɡɜːrl/ /huː/ /noʊ/

gets a few drinks in her and wants to have fun

/ɡɛts/ /fjuː/ /drɪŋks/ /hɜːr/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /fʌn/

and put on a show. Mm-hmm.

/ænd/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /ʃoʊ/

And it drives guys crazy, 'cause you both

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /kɔːz/ /juː/ /boʊθ/

don't even care.

/ˈiːvən/ /kɛr/

It's just stupid and fun.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ænd/ /fʌn/

Lily, that sounds perfect. Thank you.

/ðæt/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /juː/

Mm. Just stupid.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

Stupid and fun.

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ænd/ /fʌn/

Who the hell is that?

/huː/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

Barney, this is Brandi, my fun friend from work,

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /fʌn/ /frɛnd/ /wɜːrk/

who just doesn't even care.

/huː/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈiːvən/ /kɛr/

Hello, Brandi.

Congratulations on the gig.

/kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/ /ɒn/

Aw, thank you!

/juː/

World Wide News is an amazing place to work.

/wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/ /ɪz/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /pleɪs/ /wɜːrk/

Not that gig, sweetheart.

/ðæt/

Marshall! Marshall!

What? Ow.

/wɒt/

It's late.

/leɪt/

I'm so tipsy.

It is late. We should get out of here.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /leɪt/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

So, Brandi, ever sneak into the studio

/ˈɛv.ər/

and do it in front of the weather map?

/ænd/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /ˈwɛðər/ /mæp/

No. Why do you ask?

/noʊ/ /waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /æsk/

No reason.

/noʊ/ /ˈriːzən/

Someone is about to get unseasonably banged.

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɛt/

Damn it!

/ɪt/

What did I do wrong?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /duː/ /rɒŋ/

Nothing. It was awesome. Oh, Marshall, let's go!

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /ɡoʊ/

Hey. Hey, Lilypad! Hey. Hey, Lilypad!

So, don't be upset.

/biː/ /ʌpˈsɛt/

Ted... Ted...

took Marvin shopping

/tʊk/

and sort of bought him...

/ænd/ /sɔːrt/ /bɔːt/ /hɪm/

all his winter clothes.

/ɔːl/ /hɪz/ /ˈwɪntər/ /kloʊðz/

Get ready

/ɡɛt/ /ˈrɛd.i/

for our star runway model--

/fɔːr/ /aʊər/ /stɑːr/ /ˈmɒdəl/

or should I say, our star crawlway model.

/ʃʊd/ /seɪ/ /aʊər/ /stɑːr/ /ˈmɒdəl/

He's doing it again, guys! Get in here!

/ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪr/

N-No-no, it's over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

That's it. Ted's fired.

/ɪt/ /faɪərd/

Fired? No, c-come on, Lily, he's helping us out.

/faɪərd/ /noʊ/ /ɒn/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /ʌs/ /aʊt/

Plus, next week, your dad'll be back,

/plʌs/ /nɛkst/ /wiːk/ /jʊr/ /biː/ /bæk/

and Ted has the meeting with that headhunter.

/ænd/ /hæz/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

Let's just stay cool.

/dʒʌst/ /steɪ/ /kuːl/

Starting at quarterback,

the pride of Cleveland...

/ˈkliːvlənd/

Marvin Eriksen! Right?

/raɪt/

Right, guys? He's gonna be a little Browns fan.

/raɪt/ /ɡaɪz/ /biː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /fæn/

Oh, by the way, I cancelled that meeting with the headhunter,

/weɪ/ /ðæt/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /wɪð/

so I can take care of Marvin next week.

/kæn/ /teɪk/ /kɛr/ /nɛkst/ /wiːk/

What? No, no, my dad'll be better by then.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /biː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðɛn/

Oh, I gave Mickey the month off.

/ɡeɪv/ /mʌnθ/ /ɒf/

It's supposed to snow, and, uh, Uncle Ted doesn't want to miss

/səˈpoʊzd/ /ænd/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /wɒnt/ /mɪs/

Marvin's first sleigh ride.

/fɜːrst/ /raɪd/

You're fired. You're fired.

/faɪərd/ /faɪərd/

Marvin has a bib with little... little dinosaurs on it.

/hæz/ /wɪð/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Maybe you should make one like that.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /meɪk/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Brobibs are for grown men wearing bibs, Ted.

/fɔːr/ /mɛn/

I don't want them looking like idiots.

/wɒnt/ /ðɛm/ /laɪk/

Lily, Marshall, you know you can't keep him away from me.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /hɪm/ /əˈweɪ/ /miː/

He's gonna start asking questions.

/stɑːrt/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

Calm down, Ted.

/kɑːm/ /daʊn/

We-we just wanted to apologize.

/dʒʌst/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/

We overreacted before.

/wiː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Meet us

/miːt/ /ʌs/

at the swim class you apparently signed Marvin up for.

/swɪm/ /klæs/ /juː/ /saɪnd/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/

Bubble Buddies? I'd love t...

/lʌv/

I mean, I'll have to check my skedge.

/miːn/ /hæv/ /tʃɛk/ /maɪ/

Sorry. When I'm excited,

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɛn/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/

I abbreviate words I shouldn't.

/wɜːrdz/

Come on, Ted,

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

what do you say?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Fab. Perf.

Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

See you at B-Buds.

/siː/ /juː/

Bubble Buddies. Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Augie. Jayden. Augie. Jayden.

Dylan. Girl Dylan.

/ɡɜːrl/

Hey, Ted. Hey. Where's Marvin?

Does Coach Amber have him warming up in the Jacooz?

/dʌz/ /hæv/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/

Sorry again.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /əˈɡɛn/

Aw, hey, buddy, listen, we wanted to talk to you

/ˈbʌdi/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /wiː/ /tɔːk/ /juː/

about how you've kind of been overdoing it with Marvin.

/əˈbaʊt/ /haʊ/ /kaɪnd/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/

I haven't been overdoing it.

/ɪt/

Ted, we're in a baby swim class,

/ˈbeɪbi/ /swɪm/ /klæs/

and clearly you've done something extreme

/ænd/ /ˈklɪərli/ /dʌn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

to get the naming rights to that lollipop bin.

/ɡɛt/ /ðæt/

But I-I think that we've

/bʌt/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/

figured out what's going on with you.

/aʊt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /wɪð/ /juː/

See, after we let you go...

/siː/ /ˈæf.tər/ /wiː/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

What is this?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/

Marvin's Book of Firsts?

/bʊk/

Ted took Marvin to see Santa?!

/tʊk/ /siː/

Oh, I am gonna take this book

/teɪk/ /bʊk/

and I'm gonna shove it so far up his...

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /fɑːr/ /ʌp/ /hɪz/

The point is, it made us remember

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ʌs/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

another scrapbook you made.

/əˈnʌðər/ /juː/

That project really was your baby,

/ðæt/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/ /ˈbeɪbi/

and now it's over, and you're scared to move on.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/ /skɛrd/ /muːv/ /ɒn/

I poured my blood, sweat and tears into that building.

/maɪ/ /ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Though, to be fair, a lot of that happened

/ðoʊ/ /biː/ /fɛr/ /lɒt/ /ðæt/ /ˈhæpənd/

the day I accidentally fell down the elevator shaft.

/deɪ/ /daʊn/

Mm. Mm.

The point is,

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/

it's just really hard to let go.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɑːrd/ /lɛt/ /ɡoʊ/

Especially when that building's my biggest accomplishment.

/ɪˈspɛʃəli/ /wɛn/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/

I mean,

/miːn/

maybe if I was where you guys are at in life,

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ɪf/ /wɒz/ /wɛr/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /laɪf/

with all you have to be proud of...

/wɪð/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /hæv/ /biː/ /praʊd/

We get it, okay?

/wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

You're always gonna be Uncle Ted.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

But if Marvin

/bʌt/ /ɪf/

can't be your next project,

/biː/ /jʊr/ /nɛkst/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/

you need one of your own,

/juː/ /niːd/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/

and so we rescheduled your meeting with that headhunter.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /jʊr/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

He's over there.

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

Which one is he?

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /hiː/

Thanks, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

Marvin and I are lucky you're our parents.

/ænd/ /ˈlʌki/ /aʊər/ /ˈpɛərənts/

Aw. Aw.

Oh, hey, Ted?

It's kind of a big, professional meeting--

/kaɪnd/ /bɪɡ/ /prəˈfɛʃənl/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/

you might want to trade out that lollipop

/juː/ /maɪt/ /wɒnt/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/

for a shirt. Yeah.

/fɔːr/ /ʃɜːrt/

I'll just give it to one of these kids. Oh, buddy.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /ðiːz/ /kɪdz/ /ˈbʌdi/

What? You're half naked,

/wɒt/ /hæf/

you're not a parent to any of these children--

/ˈpɛrənt/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ðiːz/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/

don't offer 'em candy.

/ˈɒfər/

I can't believe Barney went home with Brandi.

/bɪˈliːv/ /wɛnt/ /hoʊm/ /wɪð/

I should have asked you to do that play with me.

/ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /pleɪ/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Well, it's too late now, isn't it?

/wɛl/ /leɪt/ /naʊ/ /ɪt/

There he is. Straddle me. Start grinding.

/ðɛr/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /miː/ /stɑːrt/

Nothing's off-limits.

So, last night

/læst/ /naɪt/

Brandi and I got to the WWN studios,

/ænd/

and my high-pressure system

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪstəm/

was ready to slam into her warm front.

/wɒz/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /hɜːr/ /wɔːrm/

The studio's unlocked,

the weather map's up--

/ˈwɛðər/ /ʌp/

ready to do it in 17 different states at once?

/ˈrɛd.i/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /wʌns/

Um, actually...

/ˈæktʃuəli/

I don't think I want that.

/θɪŋk/ /wɒnt/ /ðæt/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I'm-I'm... Anh-anh...

I'm gonna go.

/ɡoʊ/

Wait, you didn't sleep with her?

/weɪt/ /juː/ /sliːp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Nope.

I spent the night thinking about

/naɪt/ /əˈbaʊt/

how everything I've done since Quinn and I broke up

/haʊ/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /dʌn/ /sɪns/ /ænd/ /ʌp/

has been a cry for help.

/hæz/ /kraɪ/ /fɔːr/ /hɛlp/

Dressing a dog up like me,

/dɔːɡ/ /ʌp/ /laɪk/ /miː/

hooking up with all those nannies...

/ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ɔːl/ /ðoʊz/

Brobibs? No, those are solid.

/noʊ/ /ðoʊz/

I still want in.

/wɒnt/

And I realized that... I'm searching,

/ænd/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ðæt/

searching for what I really want in life,

/fɔːr/ /wɒt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /laɪf/

and you know what?

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I have absolutely no idea what that is.

/hæv/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

Wow. Wow.

Barney... But...

/bʌt/

I'm going to figure it out.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

I have to.

/hæv/

Good night, guys.

/ɡʊd/ /naɪt/ /ɡaɪz/

God, I feel awful.

/fiːl/

Barney is

/ɪz/

going through something big,

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /bɪɡ/

and I've been obsessing about one stupid final hookup

/ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈfaɪnəl/

to get him out of my system.

/ɡɛt/ /hɪm/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪstəm/

He needs space...

/hiː/ /speɪs/

and time to figure things out.

/ænd/ /taɪm/ /θɪŋz/ /aʊt/

And I have to give it to him.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /hɪm/

Robin? What are you doing here? It's okay

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

if you don't know what you want in life...

/ɪf/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /laɪf/

...as long as you know what you want...

/lɔːŋ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

tonight.

/təˈnaɪt/

Well... Well...

/wɛl/ /wɛl/

I do know what I want.

/duː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wɒnt/

Hi, Robin!

Nobody asked you here, Patrice!

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Actually, I did.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /dɪd/

Last night.

/læst/ /naɪt/

Let me go see if the studio's open.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/ /siː/ /ɪf/ /ˈoʊ.pən/

All right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Oh, hi, Barney.

I'm working late.

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /leɪt/

What are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

I'm...

I don't know what I'm doing... here.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /hɪr/

Barney... I don't know you that well, but...

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /wɛl/ /bʌt/

are you okay?

/juː/

Yeah. What do you mean?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

Well, whenever I see someone unhappy,

/wɛl/ /siː/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ʌnˈhæpi/

I get the urge to give them cookies,

/ɡɛt/ /ɡɪv/ /ðɛm/ /ˈkʊkiz/

and I really want to give you cookies right now.

/ænd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈkʊkiz/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Cookie?

Lame. No, thanks.

/noʊ/

You sure? They're heart-shaped.

/juː/ /ʃʊr/

Sorry, a couple of them are broken.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /ðɛm/

I know how they feel. I'd love one.

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /fiːl/ /lʌv/

After that, I sent Brandi packing,

/ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/ /sɛnt/ /ˈpækɪŋ/

and Patrice and I talked all night.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

We're...

kind of on a date right now.

/kaɪnd/ /ɒn/ /deɪt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

But if you'd like to throw on some clothes

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /laɪk/ /θroʊ/ /ɒn/ /sʌm/ /kloʊðz/

and join us for Crazy Eights...

/ænd/ /dʒɔɪn/ /ʌs/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I can deal you in!

/kæn/ /diːl/ /juː/

My deck has puppies on it!

/maɪ/ /hæz/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Arf-arf! Arf-arf!

Um... Um...

I... Em..

got to go.

/ɡoʊ/

Look, I still feel bad I went too far

/lʊk/ /fiːl/ /bæd/ /wɛnt/ /fɑːr/

with all the Marvin firsts-- the Santa thing, especially.