Season 9 · Tập 10

Marshall and Marvin were taking the bus

/ænd/ /wɜːr/ /bʌs/

on their way to Long Island to meet up with us.

/ɒn/ /ðɛr/ /weɪ/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈaɪlənd/ /miːt/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/

There, there, little Marvin.

/ðɛr/ /ðɛr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Let no more tears fall.

/lɛt/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /fɔːl/

We're gonna see Mommy in no time at all.

/siː/ /ˈmɒmi/ /noʊ/ /taɪm/ /ɔːl/

Hello there. I'm sorry for all of the noise.

/ðɛr/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /fɔːr/ /ɔːl/ /nɔɪz/

It's been a long day for the Eriksen boys.

/lɔːŋ/ /deɪ/ /fɔːr/ /bɔɪz/

Uh... what's with the rhyming?

/wɪð/

I'm glad that you ask.

/ɡlæd/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /æsk/

To get my son sleeping is no easy task.

/ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /sʌn/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /ˈiː.zi/ /tæsk/

A few weeks ago, the job fell to my wife.

/fjuː/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /dʒɒb/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/

And as the poor baby cried out for dear life,

/ænd/ /pʊr/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /aʊt/ /fɔːr/ /dɪər/ /laɪf/

she read every book, but all were no use

/ʃiː/ /riːd/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /bʊk/ /bʌt/ /ɔːl/ /wɜːr/ /noʊ/ /juːz/

until she arrived at a mother named Goose.

/ənˈtɪl/ /ʃiː/ /əˈraɪvd/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /neɪmd/

- Why, Marvin... - She noted.

/waɪ/ /ʃiː/

...these rhymes make you tired!

/ðiːz/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/

And ever since then, all young Marvin's required

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/ /ðɛn/ /ɔːl/ /jʌŋ/

is one book of rhymes, and to dream land he goes.

/ɪz/ /bʊk/ /ænd/ /driːm/ /lænd/ /hiː/ /ɡoʊz/

Now, what shall we read?

/naʊ/ /wɒt/ /ʃæl/ /wiː/ /riːd/

Oh, crap, I left his book in the car!

/lɛft/ /hɪz/ /bʊk/ /kɑːr/

That blows.

/ðæt/

Oh, no, what a bummer!

/noʊ/ /wɒt/

What craptastic luck!

/wɒt/ /lʌk/

Without Marvin's rhyme book, this ride's gonna suck!

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /bʊk/

Does anyone here have some poetry maybe?

/dʌz/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /hɪr/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /ˈpəʊɪtri/ /ˈmeɪbi/

Or any advice? Yeah!

/ˈɛn.i/ /ədˈvaɪs/

Don't have a baby!

/hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I guess if I don't want young Marvin to wake up,

/ɡɛs/ /ɪf/ /wɒnt/ /jʌŋ/ /weɪk/ /ʌp/

the rhymes will just have to be ones that I make up.

/wɪl/ /dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/

I'll whip up some poetry in seconds flat!

/ʌp/ /sʌm/ /ˈpəʊɪtri/

Oh, I know!

/noʊ/

This story's called Mosby at the Bat!

The outlook wasn't brilliant for poor Ted's romantic life.

/fɔːr/ /pʊr/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/ /laɪf/

He was deep into his thirties, and yet, still he had no wife.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /diːp/ /hɪz/ /ænd/ /jɛt/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /noʊ/ /waɪf/

But then, one day whilst grading papers,

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /deɪ/

life sent him a whammy.

/laɪf/ /sɛnt/ /hɪm/

A physics prof named Lisa

/ˈfɪzɪks/ /neɪmd/

who'd just moved here from Miami.

/dʒʌst/ /hɪr/

Professor?

/prəˈfɛsər/

She asked timidly. He answered:

/ʃiː/ /hiː/

Call me Ted. Oh.

/kɔːl/ /miː/

I don't want to bother you.

/wɒnt/ /ˈbɒðər/ /juː/

Please, have a seat. He said.

/pliːz/ /hæv/ /siːt/ /hiː/ /sɛd/

I'm fairly new to teaching, and I'm looking for advice.

/njuː/ /ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ədˈvaɪs/

Every night I practice giving lectures, sometimes twice.

/ˈɛv.ri/ /naɪt/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/

But when I teach

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /tiːtʃ/

magnetic force, I just see eyeballs glazing.

/fɔːrs/ /dʒʌst/ /siː/

I asked around, and people say your lectures are amazing.

/əˈraʊnd/ /ænd/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /seɪ/ /jʊr/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

Which is really saying something,

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

because, architecture? Yawn.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

And Ted thought...

/ænd/ /θɔːt/

Psh, yeah, 'cause physics is so interesting.

/kɔːz/ /ˈfɪzɪks/ /ɪz/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/

Go on.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/

It's just that you're so skilled,

/dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /skɪld/

and I'm a relative beginner.

/ænd/ /ˈrɛlətɪv/

If it isn't too much trouble, can I take you out to dinner?

/ɪf/ /ɪt/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈtrʌbəl/ /kæn/ /teɪk/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

I'd love to get some pointers, and I shouldn't keep you late.

/lʌv/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /ænd/ /kiːp/ /juː/ /leɪt/

What do you say?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /seɪ/

What do I say?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /seɪ/

Teddy Westside's got a date!

/ˈtɛdi/ /deɪt/

- Hooray! - We cheered.

/wiː/

Ted's off the bench!

/ɒf/

Our boy's back in the game!

/aʊər/ /bæk/ /ɡeɪm/

Thank God, it's been a hundred years

/ˈhʌndrəd/

since Mosby scored a dame.

/sɪns/

The last time he saw boobies was

/læst/ /taɪm/ /hiː/ /sɔː/ /wɒz/

the screen-test scene in Fame.

/siːn/

The last girl he dated,

/læst/ /ɡɜːrl/ /hiː/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/

I think "Righty" was her name.

/θɪŋk/ /wɒz/ /hɜːr/ /neɪm/

Hold it. Let's not all go crazy

/hoʊld/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈkreɪzi/

like some wild berzerkers.

/laɪk/ /sʌm/ /waɪld/

What if this is just a business meal between co-workers?

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈbɪznɪs/ /miːl/ /bɪˈtwiːn/

Ted thought back on past failed dates.

/θɔːt/ /bæk/ /ɒn/ /pæst/ /feɪld/ /deɪts/

Oh, God, that could be true.

/ðæt/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /truː/

How many times have I come home to find my balls are blue?

/haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /taɪmz/ /hæv/ /kʌm/ /hoʊm/ /faɪnd/ /maɪ/ /bluː/

It all depends where Ted and his new fetching young Floridian

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /wɛr/ /ænd/ /hɪz/ /njuː/ /jʌŋ/

are standing in relation to that puzzling meridian

/ðæt/

called "The International Date Line."

/deɪt/ /laɪn/

That's right, new theory.

/raɪt/ /njuː/ /ˈθɪəri/

"What's that," you ask? Nobody did.

/ðæt/ /juː/ /æsk/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /dɪd/

I'll now address your query! The date line

/naʊ/ /jʊr/ /deɪt/ /laɪn/

is the border betwixt happiness and sorrow.

/ɪz/ /ænd/

On this side, you go home tonight.

/ɒn/ /saɪd/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/ /təˈnaɪt/

On this side, home tomorrow.

/ɒn/ /saɪd/ /hoʊm/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

And then, as Barney made some gestures that were rather rude,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /sʌm/ /ðæt/ /wɜːr/ /ˈrɑːðər/ /ruːd/

Ted left to go meet Lisa, in a rather puzzled mood.

/lɛft/ /ɡoʊ/ /miːt/ /ˈrɑːðər/

Was this a date?

/wɒz/ /deɪt/

He simply couldn't tell how he was faring.

/hiː/ /ˈsɪmpli/ /tɛl/ /haʊ/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

Then Lisa showed up.

/ðɛn/ /ʌp/

Ted rejoiced to see what she was wearing.

/siː/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/

For girls at business dinners

/fɔːr/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈbɪznɪs/

don't have necklines that revealing!

/hæv/ /ðæt/

But then a friendly handshake gave poor Ted

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ˈfrɛndli/ /ɡeɪv/ /pʊr/

a sinking feeling.

/ˈfiːlɪŋ/

And so, the night wore on.

/ænd/ /naɪt/ /ɒn/

And back and forth, the globe rotated.

/ænd/ /bæk/ /ænd/

But still, Ted's curiosity was never fully sated.

/bʌt/ /wɒz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

How long could this continue?

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /kʊd/ /kənˈtɪnjuː/

He was truly fortune's pawn.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈtruːli/

Then Lisa saw the TV.

/ðɛn/ /sɔː/

Hey, the Yankees game is on!

/ɡeɪm/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/

Of baseball... Ted observed...

/ˈbeɪsbɔːl/

...you seem to have some firsthand knowledge.

/juː/ /siːm/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /ˈnɒl.ɪdʒ/

To which the lady shrugged and said...

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈleɪdi/ /ænd/ /sɛd/

I played softball in college.

/ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

Now the age-old softball stereotype's just that,

/naʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ðæt/

and nothing more.

/ænd/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /mɔːr/

Yeah! But as the Yankees got a run,

/bʌt/ /rʌn/

Ted feared he wouldn't score.

/hiː/ /skɔːr/

For while the date side of the line's

/fɔːr/ /waɪl/ /deɪt/ /saɪd/

the one we all might guess he's in,

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /maɪt/ /ɡɛs/

there'll be no joy in Tedville if our Lisa is a...

/biː/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /aʊər/ /ɪz/

Yes! We win!

/wiː/ /wɪn/

Then Lisa took a drink and said...

/ðɛn/ /tʊk/ /drɪŋk/ /ænd/ /sɛd/

This may sound kind of random,

/meɪ/ /saʊnd/ /kaɪnd/

but there actually is a reason for my rabid Yankee fandom.

/bʌt/ /ðɛr/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /ɪz/ /ˈriːzən/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/

I guess I'll just be honest here,

/ɡɛs/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /hɪr/

though crazy it may seem.

/ðoʊ/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ɪt/ /meɪ/ /siːm/

My first week in New York, I dated someone on the team.

/maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /wiːk/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɒn/ /tiːm/

Which player?

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈpleɪər/

I'm not saying. Please?

/pliːz/

What are you, a reporter?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /rɪˈpɔːtər/

Ted's mind began to race.

/maɪnd/ /reɪs/

The waiter came to take their order.

/ˈweɪtər/ /teɪk/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɔːrdər/

As Lisa said...

/sɛd/

I might like the spaghetti marinara.

/maɪt/ /laɪk/

Poor Ted just wondered silently...

/pʊr/ /dʒʌst/

Mariano Rivera? Mariano Rivera?

And as she said...

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /sɛd/

I read this place has great chicken Milano.

/riːd/ /pleɪs/ /hæz/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈtʃɪkɪn/

- All Ted could bring himself-

/ɔːl/ /kʊd/ /brɪŋ/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

Alfonso Soriano? Alfonso Soriano?

I want something hearty.

/wɒnt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

How about blackened miso cod?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Is it Joe Girardi?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/

Holy crap, is it A-Rod?!

/ɪz/ /ɪt/

Okay, Ted, calm down.

/kɑːm/ /daʊn/

You've got to get yourself together.

/ɡɛt/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Just smile, be charming,

/dʒʌst/ /smaɪl/ /biː/

ooze charisma, talk about the weather.

/tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈwɛðər/

For this might be a date,

/fɔːr/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /deɪt/

which means there might be hanky-panky.

/wɪtʃ/ /ðɛr/ /maɪt/ /biː/

So, dude, be cool, relax, don't even...

/biː/ /kuːl/ /rɪˈlæks/ /ˈiːvən/

Just tell me which Yankee!

/dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /wɪtʃ/

I'd rather not discuss this here.

/ˈrɑːðər/ /dɪˈskʌs/ /hɪr/

But then again, I'd hate...

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /əˈɡɛn/ /heɪt/

to let a silly secret ruin such a lovely date.

/lɛt/ /ˈsɪli/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /ˈruːɪn/ /sʌtʃ/ /ˈlʌvli/ /deɪt/

If there's

/ɪf/

an elephant in the room,

/ruːm/

why don't we just remove it?

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /rɪˈmuːv/ /ɪt/

I dated Derek Jeter.

/ˈdeɪtɪd/

Here's a picture that'll prove it.

/ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /pruːv/ /ɪt/

As Ted looked at that cell phone pic,

/ðæt/ /foʊn/

there were two things he reckoned.

/ðɛr/ /wɜːr/ /tuː/ /θɪŋz/ /hiː/

This definitely was a date,

/ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /wɒz/ /deɪt/

but there wouldn't be a second.

/bʌt/ /ðɛr/ /biː/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

See? It worked.

/siː/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrkt/

I said some rhymes, and out my boy did conk.

/sɛd/ /sʌm/ /ænd/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /bɔɪ/ /dɪd/

Now let's enjoy the ride.

/naʊ/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /raɪd/

Move, jackass!

/muːv/

Okay, I need a brand-new tale to silence Marvin's chatter.

/niːd/

I don't know, that last one had some sketchy subject matter.

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /læst/ /hæd/ /sʌm/ /ˈsʌbdʒɪkt/ /ˈmætər/

Forgive me, but before you got here, did you smoke a joint?

/fərˈɡɪv/ /miː/ /bʌt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /hɪr/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /smoʊk/

You don't tell kids a tale that crass!

/juː/ /tɛl/ /kɪdz/ /ðæt/

I guess he had a point.

/ɡɛs/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /pɔɪnt/

I know, I said some things that were,

/noʊ/ /sɛd/ /sʌm/ /θɪŋz/ /ðæt/ /wɜːr/

as you say, kind of questionable.

/juː/ /seɪ/ /kaɪnd/

The truth is, children Marvin's age

/truːθ/ /ɪz/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/ /eɪdʒ/

aren't really that impressionable.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ðæt/

Do you remember anything from when you were this small?

/duː/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /smɔːl/

Pumpkin picking at age three is the first thing I recall.

/ˈpʌmpkɪn/ /eɪdʒ/ /θriː/ /ɪz/ /fɜːrst/ /θɪŋ/

Hmm. Huh. - Hmm. - Huh.

He won't remember this. I guess it's true.

/hiː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ɡɛs/ /truː/

It better be.

/ɪt/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /biː/

Or else we'll end up paying

/ɛls/ /ɛnd/ /ʌp/

through the nose for Marvin's therapy.

/θruː/ /noʊz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈθɛrəpi/

Okay, buddy, nice chat, but I think I need a break.

/ˈbʌdi/ /naɪs/ /bʌt/ /θɪŋk/ /niːd/ /breɪk/

Great idea.

/ɡreɪt/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

After this story!

/ˈæf.tər/ /ˈstɔːri/

Robin Takes the Cake.

/keɪk/

Once in an East Side bakery,

/wʌns/ /iːst/ /saɪd/

your debonair Aunt Robin was making other customers think,

/jʊr/ /ænt/ /wɒz/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /θɪŋk/

"Geez, who let this slob in?"

/huː/ /lɛt/

She didn't care about their stares, or who was looking on.

/ʃiː/ /kɛr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðɛr/ /huː/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/

She'd just broke up with...

/dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/

Kevin. Kevin.

No, Gael. Or Scooby?

/noʊ/

Don? Don?

Now, sometimes,

/naʊ/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/

when it rains it pours,

/wɛn/ /ɪt/ /ɪt/

and sometimes, it starts snowing,

/ænd/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ɪt/

for as cream filling hit her shirt...

/fɔːr/ /kriːm/ /hɜːr/ /ʃɜːrt/

Hey, Robin, how's it going?

/ɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

'Twas Simon, her ex-boyfriend

/hɜːr/

from her younger days in Canada,

/hɜːr/ /ˈkænədə/

but now, he looked quite different...

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /hiː/ /kwaɪt/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

Um... Um...

Rhyme.

Uh... thinking. Uh...

I've just been handed a news flash.

/dʒʌst/ /njuːz/

The word "Canada" is unrhymeable.

/wɜːrd/ /ˈkænədə/ /ɪz/

It's easier to-- I don't know--

/noʊ/

get drunk and try to climb a bull.

/ɡɛt/ /drʌŋk/ /ænd/ /traɪ/ /klaɪm/

But Canada, damn it, ask any man on the planet

/bʌt/ /ˈkænədə/ /ɪt/ /æsk/ /ˈɛn.i/ /mæn/ /ɒn/ /ˈplænɪt/

and watch their stammerin' stamina

/ænd/ /wɒtʃ/ /ðɛr/

as they clamor and cram it into the middle of a sentence

/ðeɪ/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /ˈsɛntəns/

for a shot at repentance,

/fɔːr/ /ʃɒt/

pass the problem on to all their non-rhyming descendants.

/pæs/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /ɒn/ /ɔːl/ /ðɛr/

I've never met anyone who could clean up after Canada.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /huː/ /kʊd/ /kliːn/ /ʌp/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈkænədə/

Except my Uncle Tony from the Bronx.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /maɪ/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

He's a janitor.

Show-off. Khoe khoang.

Simon. Nice to see you.

/naɪs/ /siː/ /juː/

So, what brings you to New York?

/wɒt/ /brɪŋz/ /juː/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

I live here now. What? Really?

/lɪv/ /hɪr/ /naʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Yeah. That's great.

/ɡreɪt/

Can I get a fork?

/kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /fɔːrk/

He'd always been a deadbeat

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/

and your classic hoser phony,

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /ˈklæsɪk/

but seeing Simon all cleaned up hit Robin like a Zamboni.

/bʌt/ /ɔːl/ /ʌp/ /laɪk/

And as she looked him up and down,

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /daʊn/

young Robin felt a tingle.

/jʌŋ/ /fɛlt/

Had Simon blossomed finally?

/hæd/ /ˈfaɪnəli/

And if so, was he single?

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /wɒz/ /hiː/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

So great.

/ɡreɪt/

She purred, whilst batting her eyelashes like a flooze.

/ʃiː/ /hɜːr/ /laɪk/

Yup, I'm engaged to Louise Marsh,

/ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

and our pad's got a Jacuzz!

/ænd/ /aʊər/

The bakery spinned, the floor dropped out.

/flɔːr/ /aʊt/

The air was thick as syrup.

/ɛr/ /wɒz/ /θɪk/

Poor Robin swooned, she couldn't breathe,

/pʊr/ /ʃiː/ /briːð/

her eyes began to tear up.

/hɜːr/ /aɪz/ /ʌp/

And as she tried to stammer some excuse

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /sʌm/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/

to get away, Simon said:

/ɡɛt/ /əˈweɪ/ /sɛd/

Our wedding cake is pretty bitchin', eh?

/aʊər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /keɪk/ /ɪz/ /ˈprɪti/

And so was born the worst idea poor Robin's ever had.

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /bɔːrn/ /wɜːrst/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /pʊr/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/

And on Ted's door there came a rapping.

/ænd/ /ɒn/ /dɔːr/ /ðɛr/

I did something bad.

/dɪd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /bæd/

As Robin told her tale,

/toʊld/ /hɜːr/

Ted knew she'd made a massive boo-boo.

/njuː/

For stealing someone's wedding cake is terribly bad juju.

/fɔːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /keɪk/ /ɪz/ /bæd/

Robin, I'm beside myself to see what you've become!

/maɪˈsɛlf/ /siː/ /wɒt/ /bɪˈkʌm/

You must return this cake at once!

/juː/ /mʌst/ /rɪˈtɜːrn/ /keɪk/ /wʌns/

I can't! Why not?

/waɪ/

'Cause...

/kɔːz/

Yum. Yum.

Ted gasped, for he had never seen a brazen act so vicious.

/fɔːr/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ækt/

Robin felt remorse, and yet...

/fɛlt/ /ænd/ /jɛt/

Oh, God, this is delicious!

/ɪz/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/

So one piece led to two, then three, then five, then 17.

/piːs/ /tuː/ /ðɛn/ /θriː/ /ðɛn/ /faɪv/ /ðɛn/

She savaged that poor cake like some rapacious wolverine.

/ʃiː/ /ðæt/ /pʊr/ /keɪk/ /laɪk/ /sʌm/

Eating, gobbling, munching, so the frenzied night wore on.

/ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /naɪt/ /ɒn/

And by the time your mom arrived,

/ænd/ /taɪm/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /əˈraɪvd/

the cake was halfway gone.

/keɪk/ /wɒz/ /ɡɔːn/

I came as soon as I got word.

/suːn/ /wɜːrd/

So how bad is the damage?

/haʊ/ /bæd/ /ɪz/

See for yourself the product of her cake-in-gullet crammage!

/siː/ /fɔːr/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /hɜːr/

Half a cake?

/hæf/ /keɪk/

What have I done?!

/wɒt/ /hæv/ /dʌn/

The world shall not forgive it!

/wɜːrld/ /ʃæl/ /fərˈɡɪv/ /ɪt/

This day will live in infamy.

/deɪ/ /wɪl/ /lɪv/

I never shall outlive it!

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ʃæl/ /ɪt/

For I have become

/fɔːr/ /hæv/ /bɪˈkʌm/

the girl that eats her feelings, don't mistake it.

/ɡɜːrl/ /ðæt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /mɪˈsteɪk/ /ɪt/

I think I need to get out of this chair before I break it.

/θɪŋk/ /niːd/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /tʃɛr/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /breɪk/ /ɪt/

Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash!

Said Mommy, with great fervor.

/sɛd/ /ˈmɒmi/ /wɪð/ /ɡreɪt/

You can't stop now, for don't you see?

/juː/ /stɒp/ /naʊ/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /siː/

To the uninformed observer, you're not some sad cliché,

/sʌm/ /sæd/

some loser from a chick-lit story.

/sʌm/ /ˈstɔːri/

You're Robin, and you're half a wedding cake away from glory!

/ænd/ /hæf/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /keɪk/ /əˈweɪ/

If you quit now, then Simon wins,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kwɪt/ /naʊ/ /ðɛn/

the tale comes to a stop

/stɒp/

at how you saw an ex, freaked out,

/haʊ/ /juː/ /sɔː/ /aʊt/

and robbed a pastry shop.

/ænd/ /ʃɒp/

If you have the guts, my dear,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ɡʌts/ /maɪ/ /dɪər/

it's time to get empowered

/taɪm/ /ɡɛt/

and be remembered for this

/ænd/ /biː/ /fɔːr/

sweet behemoth you devoured.

/swiːt/ /juː/

And years from now,

/ænd/ /naʊ/

the troubadour will raise his voice and sing

/wɪl/ /reɪz/ /hɪz/ /vɔɪs/ /ænd/ /sɪŋ/

of the time that Robin took the cake.

/taɪm/ /ðæt/ /tʊk/ /keɪk/

And ate the whole...

/ænd/ /eɪt/ /hoʊl/

damned...

thing.

/θɪŋ/

Once more into the breach she surged,

/wʌns/ /mɔːr/ /ʃiː/

as Ted and Mommy cheered

/ænd/ /ˈmɒmi/

and bite by bite the towering confection disappeared.

/ænd/ /baɪt/ /baɪt/

Some friends were called to come and watch.

/sʌm/ /frɛndz/ /wɜːr/ /kʌm/ /ænd/ /wɒtʃ/

And no one had to beg.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /hæd/

It soon became a party.

/ɪt/ /suːn/ /ˈpɑːrti/

Barney even got a keg.

/ˈiːvən/

Forkful after forkful, Robin guzzled French vanilla

/ˈæf.tər/

making noises not unlike those made by a gorilla.

/ðoʊz/ /ɡəˈrɪlə/

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Come on, Robin, finish it.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /ɪt/

- Yeah. - Mom's exhortations rang

like Apollo coaching Rocky 'gainst a frosted Clubber Lang.

/laɪk/ /ˈkoʊtʃɪŋ/

Oh, Rocky IV, my favorite.

/maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/

No, no, IV is with the Russians.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ɪz/ /wɪð/

No, IV's the one where he talks weird

/noʊ/ /wɛr/ /hiː/

because of his concussions.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /hɪz/

I think that's all of them. Hey now,

/θɪŋk/ /ɔːl/ /ðɛm/ /naʊ/

no need to be discordant. It's Rocky IV.

/noʊ/ /niːd/ /biː/

No, III. No, II.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

It's really not important.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

At last young Robin raised the final bite up to her lips

/læst/ /jʌŋ/ /ˈfaɪnəl/ /baɪt/ /ʌp/ /hɜːr/

the crowd grew still.

The only sound was Barney

/ˈoʊnli/ /saʊnd/ /wɒz/

eating chips.

/ˈiː.tɪŋ/

Just one bite left.

/dʒʌst/ /baɪt/ /lɛft/

Hey, this is like that scene from Cool Hand Luke. You know,

/ɪz/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /siːn/ /kuːl/ /hænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/

"My boy can eat 50 eggs " Right?

/maɪ/ /bɔɪ/ /kæn/ /iːt/ /ɛɡz/ /raɪt/

She's gonna puke.

But Robin did not puke.

/bʌt/ /dɪd/

She ate that bite and stood up, proud.

/ʃiː/ /eɪt/ /ðæt/ /baɪt/ /ænd/ /ʌp/ /praʊd/

Wait. I'm not done yet.

/weɪt/ /dʌn/ /jɛt/

She shouted, to the startled crowd.

/ʃiː/

I've bested this here wedding cake.

/hɪr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /keɪk/

I'll gladly wear that crown.

/wɛr/ /ðæt/

But now that I have

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /hæv/

done that task it's time to wash it down.

/dʌn/ /ðæt/ /tæsk/ /taɪm/ /wɒʃ/ /ɪt/ /daʊn/

For it's been such an awesome night,

/fɔːr/ /sʌtʃ/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /naɪt/

there's just one way to cap it.

/dʒʌst/ /weɪ/ /ɪt/

I'm going to drink this entire keg.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /drɪŋk/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/

Okay, Barney, tap it.

/ɪt/

Oh! Wow. - Oh! - Wow.

Hup. Ho-o, oh. - Hup. - Ho-o, oh.

And now that night's remembered not for Robin getting dumped

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /dʌmpt/

but as the night we took her in to get her stomach pumped.

/bʌt/ /naɪt/ /wiː/ /tʊk/ /hɜːr/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/

And look at that,

/ænd/ /lʊk/ /ðæt/

the little angel's sleeping soundly, Gus.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/

Looks like our problems...

/laɪk/ /aʊər/

Pick a lane!

/pɪk/

I hate this stupid bus.

/heɪt/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /bʌs/

Marvin, I'm afraid this night is not much of a winner.

/əˈfreɪd/ /naɪt/ /ɪz/ /mʌtʃ/

Stuck in traffic, now we've missed

/stʌk/ /ˈtræfɪk/ /naʊ/ /mɪst/

the whole rehearsal dinner.

/hoʊl/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

I pray that I was right and that you'll have no memory

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/ /ænd/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /ˈmɛməri/

of this godforsaken ride down the congested LIE.

/raɪd/ /daʊn/ /laɪ/

At least we know one thing for sure:

/liːst/ /wiː/ /noʊ/ /θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /ʃʊr/

things can't get worse, I swear.

/θɪŋz/ /ɡɛt/ /wɜːrs/ /swɛər/

Adios, truck stop burrito. Ooh!

/trʌk/ /stɒp/

Do not go in there.

/duː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ðɛr/

Okay, one more story, and I'll try to tell it pretty.

/mɔːr/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ænd/ /traɪ/ /tɛl/ /ɪt/ /ˈprɪti/

The tale of Barney Stinson,

Player King of New York City.

/ˈpleɪər/ /kɪŋ/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Once upon a time, we all went out to get our drink on.

/wʌns/ /taɪm/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /wɛnt/ /aʊt/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊər/ /drɪŋk/ /ɒn/

When who should walk in but a girl

/wɛn/ /huː/ /ʃʊd/ /wɔːk/ /bʌt/ /ɡɜːrl/

with sweater tight and pink on.

/wɪð/ /taɪt/ /ænd/ /ɒn/

She ordered up a beer.

/ʃiː/ /ˈɔːrdərd/ /ʌp/ /bɪər/

I think you see where this is going.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /siː/ /wɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

As Barney put it, oh so eloquently:

/pʊt/ /ɪt/

Boy-oy-oy-oing.

He rose to go approach this girl commanding such intrigue

/hiː/ /roʊz/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /sʌtʃ/

when Mommy interrupted:

/wɛn/ /ˈmɒmi/

Dude, she's way out of your league.

/weɪ/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/ /liːɡ/

She's not in Daisy Dukes, nor squeezed into a Hooters tee.

And I don't see a Curves membership

/ænd/ /siː/

dangling from her key.

/hɜːr/ /kiː/

She has no glaring

/ʃiː/ /hæz/ /noʊ/

spray tan, no unicorn tattoos.

/noʊ/

She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze.

Her makeup isn't running,

/hɜːr/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/

she's not playing with her hair.

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /hɛr/

There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /tʃæns/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /pʊt/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

Your challenge is accepted, Lil.

/jʊr/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/ /ɪz/

There is no girl too pretty,

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈprɪti/

for I am Barney Stinson, cho Barney Stinson,

/fɔːr/

Player King of New York City.

/ˈpleɪər/ /kɪŋ/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

You can't anoint yourself the king,

/juː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /kɪŋ/

just like that jerk, LeBron.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /dʒɜːrk/

He left the Cavs three years ago.

/hiː/ /lɛft/ /θriː/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Bro, give it up, move on.

/broʊ/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /muːv/ /ɒn/

So why

/waɪ/

am I king? Glad you asked.

/kɪŋ/ /ɡlæd/ /juː/

We didn't. Never do.

/wiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/

It's origin story time.

/ˈstɔːri/ /taɪm/

And trust me, every word is true.

/ænd/ /trʌst/ /miː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /wɜːrd/ /ɪz/ /truː/

One morning long ago, I woke up next to a conquest.

/ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /lɔːŋ/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /ʌp/ /nɛkst/

So many great things 'bout this girl: her boobs,

/ˈmɛn.i/ /ɡreɪt/ /θɪŋz/ /ɡɜːrl/ /hɜːr/

her rack, her chest.

/hɜːr/ /hɜːr/

She had a thirst for action,

/ʃiː/ /hæd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈæk.ʃən/

and young Barney was a-quenchin' it.

/ænd/ /jʌŋ/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/

Is this important to the story?

/ɪz/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ˈstɔːri/

No, just thought I'd mention it.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /θɔːt/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /ɪt/

As I departed, having bid this busty babe buh-bye,

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /beɪb/

I stopped and looked around, and wondered:

/ænd/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ænd/

Where the hell am I?

/wɛr/

The sign read 22nd Street, and my concern decreased

/saɪn/ /riːd/ /striːt/ /ænd/ /maɪ/

until a cold wind blew a branch aside,

/ənˈtɪl/ /koʊld/ /wɪnd/

revealing: "East."

/iːst/

The East Side. No.

/iːst/ /saɪd/ /noʊ/

Wh-What have I done?

/hæv/ /dʌn/

I stammered with chagrin.

/wɪð/

Just then a black sedan pulled up...

/dʒʌst/ /ðɛn/ /blæk/ /ʌp/

You Barney? Yeah.

/juː/

Get in.

/ɡɛt/

Is any of this true?

/ɪz/ /ˈɛn.i/ /truː/

Of course. Now, hang on to your "chayers."

/kɔːrs/ /naʊ/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/

For that day I was called before...

/fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/ /wɒz/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

the High Council of Players.

/haɪ/

Gentlemen, for your attendance here, our deepest thanks.

/fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /hɪr/ /aʊər/

I'm sad to say, this council has a poacher in its ranks.

/sæd/ /seɪ/ /hæz/ /ɪts/

For Barney here

/fɔːr/ /hɪr/

picked up a girl outside his territory.

/ʌp/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /hɪz/

The East Side

/iːst/ /saɪd/

is Tuxedo Charlie's turf.

/ɪz/

He's mad.

/mæd/

True story.

/truː/ /ˈstɔːri/

The Agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define

/kwaɪt/ /ˈklɪərli/ /dɪd/

Fifth Avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line.

/biː/ /aʊər/ /laɪn/

Your West Side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in.

/jʊr/ /wɛst/ /saɪd/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /pɑːrk/ /maɪ/ /boʊt/

So you should know

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /noʊ/

my East Side debutantes are quite verboten.

/maɪ/ /iːst/ /saɪd/ /kwaɪt/

Members of the council...

Bros... nobody wants a war.

/broʊz/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /wɔːr/

Of course I've not forgotten the agreement of '04.

/kɔːrs/

What can I say? A bonehead move.

/wɒt/ /kæn/ /seɪ/ /muːv/

Defend it? I'm not able.

/ɪt/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/

But, bros, have I not been a bro

/bʌt/ /broʊz/ /hæv/ /broʊ/

to each bro at this table?

/iːtʃ/ /broʊ/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

My friend from Brooklyn, Pickle Jar Bob,

/maɪ/ /frɛnd/

will give some validation.

/wɪl/ /ɡɪv/ /sʌm/

Remember that young tourist

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/ /jʌŋ/ /ˈtʊərɪst/

who was looking for Penn Station?

/huː/ /wɒz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsteɪʃən/

She'd just come in from Boston, had a wicked good-in-bed look.

/dʒʌst/ /kʌm/ /hæd/ /lʊk/

I gave her bad directions and she ended up in Red Hook.

/ɡeɪv/ /hɜːr/ /bæd/ /ænd/ /ʃiː/ /ʌp/ /rɛd/

Shut up, Barney. Whoa, Bronx Donnie,

/ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

let's not get excited.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/

Tuxedo Charlie's not the only one here who's been slighted.

/ˈoʊnli/ /hɪr/

You told her you were Jeter in your quest to lie upon her.

/juː/ /toʊld/ /hɜːr/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /jʊr/ /laɪ/ /hɜːr/

Impersonating Yankees is my thing.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /θɪŋ/

Have you no honor?

/hæv/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Gentlemen, please, let's not blow

/pliːz/

this détente to smithereens.

Council recognizes Captain Bill,

/ˈkæptɪn/

our bro from Queens.

/aʊər/ /broʊ/

Thank you.

/juː/

You all know me,

/juː/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/ /miː/

and you all respect my game.

/ænd/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /rɪˈspɛkt/ /maɪ/ /ɡeɪm/

I dress up like a pilot and meet girls in baggage claim.

/drɛs/ /ʌp/ /laɪk/ /ænd/ /miːt/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈbæɡɪdʒ/

And on my long-ass subway ride from 61st and Woodside,

/ænd/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ˈsʌbweɪ/ /raɪd/ /ænd/

I came up with a plan to keep you each other's good side.

/ʌp/ /wɪð/ /plæn/ /kiːp/ /juː/ /iːtʃ/ /ɡʊd/ /saɪd/

Barney, you have wronged these two.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ðiːz/ /tuː/

So, for the game

/fɔːr/ /ɡeɪm/

they're losing, you now must grant them each

/juː/ /naʊ/ /mʌst/ /ðɛm/ /iːtʃ/

a West Side hottie of their choosing.

/wɛst/ /saɪd/ /ðɛr/

You're kidding.

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/

That's the settlement?

Come on, that's rather silly. Gentlemen,

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈrɑːðər/ /ˈsɪli/

what say you?

/wɒt/ /seɪ/ /juː/

I want Robin.

/wɒnt/

I want Lily.

/wɒnt/

Please. Bronx Donnie?

/pliːz/

No chance he could get me in the sack.

/noʊ/ /tʃæns/ /hiː/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /miː/

Tell that Mafioso I know something he can whack.

/tɛl/ /ðæt/ /noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /hiː/ /kæn/

Ladies, don't you worry,

/juː/ /ˈwʌri/

your fair legs can all stay closed.

/jʊr/ /fɛr/ /lɛɡz/ /kæn/ /ɔːl/ /steɪ/ /kloʊzd/

'Cause luckily they took

/kɔːz/ /ðeɪ/ /tʊk/

the counteroffer I proposed.

Well, gentlemen,

/wɛl/

it seems there's nothing I can say to sway you.

/ɪt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /kæn/ /seɪ/ /juː/

Charlie, Donnie, Charlie, Donnie,

say no more, I gladly will repay you.

/seɪ/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /wɪl/ /juː/

Carlotta, some champagne.

/sʌm/ /ʃæmˈpeɪn/

Let's toast before we all adjourn.

/toʊst/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/

To boobies.

Oh, and B-T-dub,

/ænd/

y'all just drank poison.

/dʒʌst/

Ha-burn.

And thus, my friends, I have become,

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /hæv/ /bɪˈkʌm/

through methods somewhat gory

/θruː/

the Player King of New York City.

/ˈpleɪər/ /kɪŋ/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Boom. Boom.