Season 2 · Tập 10

Kids, there's nothing more wonderful

/kɪdz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /mɔːr/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/

than New York City in the winter...

/ðæn/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ˈwɪntər/

except the view of New York City in the winter

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ˈwɪntər/

through your apartment window.

/θruː/ /jʊr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/

In the winter of 2006, Marshall, Lily, Robin and I

/ˈwɪntər/ /ænd/

were all deep in couple hibernation mode.

/wɜːr/ /ɔːl/ /diːp/ /ˈkʌpəl/

Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold.

/lɛft/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /aʊt/ /koʊld/

Okay. All-night rave,

abandoned tire factory in Newark.

We're on the list. Who's in?

/ɒn/ /lɪst/

- Nope. - No.

/noʊ/

Private jet. Teeterboro Airport, skinny-skydiving. Who's in?

/ˈpraɪvɪt/ /ˈɛərpɔːrt/

- Nope. - No, thanks. - Nope - No, thanks

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

One beer. Bar, downstairs, 15 second walk. Who's in?

/bɪər/ /bɑːr/ /ˌdaʊnˈstɛrz/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /wɔːk/

Shh... Lily went sleepy-bye.

/wɛnt/

It got so bad, Barney tried to be his own wingman.

/ɪt/ /bæd/ /biː/ /hɪz/ /oʊn/

Hi. Have you met me?

/hæv/ /juː/ /miː/

Finally, he decided to bring in reinforcements.

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /hiː/ /brɪŋ/

- No. - No.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

Yes. And do you know why?

/ænd/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/

Hang on to your bedsores, grandparents from Willy Wonka,

/ɒn/ /jʊr/

because guess who's on his way up to this apartment right now?

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɡɛs/ /ɒn/ /hɪz/ /weɪ/ /ʌp/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

My... wait for it...

/maɪ/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

brother, James. React.

/ˈbrʌð.ər/

- Hey! - Hey! - Hey! - Hey!

- You have a brother? - Yeah.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

He's the "awesome-est," most best "looking-est," greatest guy ever.

/moʊst/ /bɛst/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈɛv.ər/

He's exactly like Barney.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /laɪk/

That's what I just said.

/wɒt/ /dʒʌst/ /sɛd/

Well, Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike.

/wɛl/ /ænd/ /hɪz/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

James is gay.

/ɪz/

Really? I never in a million years

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈmɪljən/

would I picture you with a gay brother, that's awesome.

/wʊd/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Yeah. I just wanted you to have a heads up,

/dʒʌst/ /juː/ /hæv/ /hɛdz/ /ʌp/

so you don't act all surprised when he gets here.

/juː/ /ækt/ /ɔːl/ /sərˈpraɪzd/ /wɛn/ /hiː/ /ɡɛts/ /hɪr/

Here he is.

/hɪr/ /hiː/ /ɪz/

What up, New York. What up, New York

/wɒt/ /ʌp/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /wɒt/ /ʌp/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Thanks for the heads up.

/fɔːr/ /hɛdz/ /ʌp/

How in God's name did it never come up that Barney has a gay, black brother?

/haʊ/ /neɪm/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /kʌm/ /ʌp/ /ðæt/ /hæz/ /blæk/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

Is he black?

/ɪz/ /hiː/ /blæk/

I guess I'm the kind of person that focuses on who people are on the inside

/ɡɛs/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ðæt/ /ɒn/ /huː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ɒn/

rather than the color of their skin.

/ˈrɑːðər/ /ðæn/ /ˈkʌlər/ /ðɛr/ /skɪn/

I'm kidding, I just wanted to see your face.

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /dʒʌst/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /feɪs/

Yeah, so now the wedding's back on.

/naʊ/ /bæk/ /ɒn/

Anyway, James, how have you been?

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /haʊ/ /hæv/ /juː/

Awesome, as per "yoozh."

/ˈɔːsəm/

I just went skinny-skydiving. Legendary.

/dʒʌst/ /wɛnt/

And my laser tag team, just made it to regional finals.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈleɪzər/ /tiːm/ /dʒʌst/ /ɪt/

"Legendarier." Legendarier.

And by now you've noticed the suit--

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /suːt/

go 'head, touch it.

/ɡoʊ/ /hɛd/ /tʌtʃ/ /ɪt/

Handcrafted by Pietro Dellacamera,

Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor

/ˈfeɪməs/

who upon completing the very last stitch

/huː/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /læst/

in this suit dropped dead,

/suːt/ /dɛd/

which is ironic because that is how gorgeous I look in it.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /haʊ/ /lʊk/ /ɪt/

C'mon. C'mon

Gimme five.

/faɪv/

Is "gimme five" back?

/ɪz/ /faɪv/ /bæk/

Oh, yeah. I put it in my blog this morning.

/pʊt/ /ɪt/ /maɪ/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Guys, "gimme five" is back!

/ɡaɪz/ /faɪv/ /ɪz/ /bæk/

Oh, James, this is my girlfriend, Robin.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

- Hey. It's so nice to meet you. - You, too.

/naɪs/ /miːt/ /juː/ /juː/

So, I have to ask, there's a story here.

/hæv/ /æsk/ /ˈstɔːri/ /hɪr/

Please.

/pliːz/

The truth is, Barney and James got a lot of...

/truːθ/ /ɪz/ /ænd/ /lɒt/

different explanations from their mom over the years.

/ˈdɪfrənt/ /ðɛr/ /mɒm/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Well, boys, you look different

/wɛl/ /bɔɪz/ /juː/ /lʊk/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

because when I was pregnant with you,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /wɪð/ /juː/

I only ate vanilla ice cream.

/ˈoʊnli/ /eɪt/ /aɪs/ /kriːm/

And when I was pregnant with you,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /wɪð/ /juː/

can you guess what kind of ice cream I ate?

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /aɪs/ /kriːm/ /eɪt/

- Coffee? - No, James,

/ˈkɔː.fi/ /noʊ/

I ate chocolate ice cream.

/eɪt/ /ˈtʃɒklɪt/ /aɪs/ /kriːm/

But I did drink tons of coffee when I was pregnant with both of you.

/bʌt/ /dɪd/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈkɔː.fi/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /wɪð/ /boʊθ/ /juː/

Can't smoke without my coffee.

/smoʊk/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

I don't know, boys, I guess it's just one of those things.

/noʊ/ /bɔɪz/ /ɡɛs/ /dʒʌst/ /ðoʊz/ /θɪŋz/

Stop asking me!

/stɒp/ /miː/

You know what you two are? You're little racists!

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /tuː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

So what are you guys gonna do tonight?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /duː/ /təˈnaɪt/

I'll tell you what James is gonna do.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /duː/

He's gonna do the job you've been neglecting.

/duː/ /dʒɒb/

And, as always, he'll do it a lot better than you ever did.

/ænd/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /lɒt/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /dɪd/

Ted... Ted..

James is my wingman now.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /naʊ/

Okay. Okay

Last time James was in town, Barney got slapped once,

/læst/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/ /taʊn/ /wʌns/

lucky twice, and...

/ˈlʌki/ /ænd/

whose penthouse hot tub did you end up in?

/hɒt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɛnd/ /ʌp/

Ah, public figure, confidentiality agreement.

/ˈpʌblɪk/

But I will say this:

/bʌt/ /wɪl/ /seɪ/

way more back hair than any guy

/weɪ/ /mɔːr/ /bæk/ /hɛr/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ɡaɪ/

who can afford laser hair removal should have.

/huː/ /kæn/ /ˈleɪzər/ /hɛr/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/

And then there was the time they scored the brother/sister combo.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /taɪm/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

It was everything we ever dreamed of

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

when watching Donnie and Marie.

/wɛn/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /ænd/

She was a little bit country.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈkʌn.tri/

He was a little bit way into black guys.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /weɪ/ /blæk/ /ɡaɪz/

Yeah, Barney and James together was a lethal combination.

/ænd/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /wɒz/

Since there was never any crossover in targets,

/sɪns/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛn.i/

James was always there for Barney with the assist.

/wɒz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /wɪð/

Whoa. Your scarf...

/jʊr/

it is fierce!

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /fɪərs/

Thanks. H & M.

What? I would never know,

/wɒt/ /wʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /noʊ/

'cause it is so hot that my eyes are melting. Oh, I can't see.

/kɔːz/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /hɒt/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /aɪz/ /siː/

Hey! You know, speaking of things

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈspiːkɪŋ/ /θɪŋz/

that would look good wrapped around you,

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /lʊk/ /ɡʊd/ /əˈraʊnd/ /juː/

have you met my straight brother, Barney?

/hæv/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /streɪt/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

Oh, he is fab-- don't you go nowhere-- "ulous." Okay?

/hiː/ /ɪz/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

And Barney always returned the favor.

/ænd/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

Help, I don't think he's breathing.

/hɛlp/ /θɪŋk/

Does anyone know mouth-to-mouth?

/dʌz/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /noʊ/

Oh, my God, I do!

/maɪ/ /duː/

Okay, great. How 'bout you instead?

/ɡreɪt/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /ɪnˈstɛd/

Oh, man, I am so excited that you're here!

/mæn/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /ðæt/ /hɪr/

It has been forever since I have been around anyone

/ɪt/ /hæz/ /fərˈɛvər/ /sɪns/ /hæv/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

even remotely fun.

/ˈiːvən/ /fʌn/

Uh, yes offense.

You guys are still going out with us tonight, right?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/ /təˈnaɪt/ /raɪt/

- No. - Jammies. - No - Jammies.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

Tonight? It's after 9:00 and...

/təˈnaɪt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ænd/

I have warm soup belly.

/hæv/ /wɔːrm/ /suːp/

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys...

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ɡaɪz/

you are young, attractive people here

/juː/ /jʌŋ/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /hɪr/

in the greatest city on earth.

/ˈsɪt.i/ /ɒn/ /ɜːrθ/

There are boys and girls

/ðɛr/ /bɔɪz/ /ænd/ /ɡɜːrlz/

in Nobody Cares, Wyoming, wishing they could be here.

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /kɛrz/ /ðeɪ/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /hɪr/

But instead, they are in someone's basement drinking bad malt liquor,

/bʌt/ /ɪnˈstɛd/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈbeɪsmənt/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /bæd/

debating whether or not they're going to spend their Saturday night

/ˈwɛðər/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /spɛnd/ /ðɛr/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/ /naɪt/

in the parking lot of the feed store

/lɒt/ /fiːd/ /stɔːr/

or in some other dude's basement.

/sʌm/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈbeɪsmənt/

You owe it to them to rise up

/juː/ /ɪt/ /ðɛm/ /raɪz/ /ʌp/

and shimmy your lazy asses into something hot,

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /ˈleɪzi/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /hɒt/

and you go out there and you live their dream!

/ænd/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /juː/ /lɪv/ /ðɛr/ /driːm/

- Can I get a "hell, yeah"? - Hell, yeah!

/kæn/ /ɡɛt/

- Can I get a "hell, yeah"? - Hell, yeah!

/kæn/ /ɡɛt/

- Can I get a "woo-woo"? - Woo-woo!

/kæn/ /ɡɛt/

Go do it for Wyoming! Yes!

/ɡoʊ/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/

Testify!

So that night, Barney got his wish.

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /hɪz/ /wɪʃ/

We all went out.

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /wɛnt/ /aʊt/

Daddy's home!

/hoʊm/

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, bro. What do you like?

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /broʊ/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /laɪk/

Guy in super tight black T?

/ɡaɪ/ /ˈsuːpər/ /taɪt/ /blæk/

Super tight black guy?

/ˈsuːpər/ /taɪt/ /blæk/ /ɡaɪ/

Guy who looks like Mr. T?

/ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /laɪk/

Mmm, yes, yes, and... talk to me after two martinis.

/ænd/ /tɔːk/ /miː/ /ˈæf.tər/ /tuː/

Let's focus on you, my man.

/ˈfoʊkəs/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /mæn/

I'm feeling lazy.

/ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /ˈleɪzi/

How 'bout girl with the chocolatini?

/haʊ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɪð/

Oh... boom, back tattoo.

/bæk/

Hero and the pig?

/ænd/ /pɪɡ/

- Let's ride. - Fo' 'sho.

/raɪd/

Damn baby, nice tramp stamp!

/ˈbeɪbi/ /naɪs/

- Get off me, you pig! - Hey! Hey!

/ɡɛt/ /ɒf/ /miː/ /juː/ /pɪɡ/

Her body art is not an invitation to grope her,

/hɜːr/ /ˈbɒdi/ /ɑːrt/ /ɪz/ /hɜːr/

it's an expression of her inner self.

/hɜːr/

I'm sure, in many ways, she is the dolphin encircled by flowers.

/ʃʊr/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /weɪz/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈdɒlfɪn/ /ˈflaʊərz/

- What? What? - What? What? - What! What ! - What! What !

/wɒt/ /wɒt/ /wɒt/ /wɒt/ /wɒt/ /wɒt/ /wɒt/ /wɒt/

Cool. Cool

/kuːl/ /kuːl/

Let me know if he bothers you again.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /hiː/ /juː/ /əˈɡɛn/

Thanks. You should stay close... just in case.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /steɪ/ /kloʊs/ /dʒʌst/

Sure. If it'll make you feel safer.

/ʃʊr/ /ɪf/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /fiːl/

I'm Barney.

Now, kids, when you're out at a noisy, crowded bar,

/naʊ/ /kɪdz/ /wɛn/ /aʊt/ /ˈkraʊdɪd/ /bɑːr/

you can always tell the difference between the singles

/juː/ /kæn/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /tɛl/ /bɪˈtwiːn/

and the couples.

/ænd/ /ˈkʌpəlz/

You just have to look for the signs.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /lʊk/ /fɔːr/

- Break. - Boiling hot. - Break. - Boiling hot

/breɪk/ /hɒt/ /breɪk/ /hɒt/

Singles stay on their feet for maneuverability.

/steɪ/ /ɒn/ /ðɛr/ /fiːt/ /fɔːr/

- Hey! - Hi, how are ya?

/haʊ/

Have you met my brother?

/hæv/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

Oh, hello. Have a drink.

/hæv/ /drɪŋk/

Nice to meet ya.

/naɪs/ /miːt/

Couples, exhausted by the sheer act of leaving the house,

/ˈkʌpəlz/ /ækt/ /haʊs/

are obsessed with finding a place to sit down.

/wɪð/ /ˈfaɪndɪŋ/ /pleɪs/ /sɪt/ /daʊn/

There are a lot of other indicators, too.

/ðɛr/ /lɒt/ /ˈʌð.ər/

From choice of social lubricant...

/tʃɔɪs/ /ˈsoʊʃəl/

...to basic body language.

/ˈbeɪ.sɪk/ /ˈbɒdi/ /ˈlæŋ.ɡwɪdʒ/

But the point is, there are many ways to tell

/bʌt/ /pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /weɪz/ /tɛl/

whether someone has Single Stamina

/ˈwɛðər/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /hæz/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

or Couples Coma.

/ˈkʌpəlz/

I wish I would've worn sneakers.

/wɪʃ/

I just got finished running from some fat, hairy guy

/dʒʌst/ /ˈfɪnɪʃt/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /sʌm/ /fæt/ /ɡaɪ/

who was periscoping out of his pleather pants.

/huː/ /wɒz/ /aʊt/ /hɪz/ /pænts/

Permission to come aboard denied.

/kʌm/

I miss my jammies.

/mɪs/ /maɪ/

I can't believe I wore a bra for this.

/bɪˈliːv/ /fɔːr/

Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural.

/ænd/

Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo.

/laɪk/

Well, why don't you take it off then and let those puppies breathe?

/wɛl/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/ /ðɛn/ /ænd/ /lɛt/ /ðoʊz/ /briːð/

Oh, please go sweat on someone else.

/pliːz/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɛls/

Poor guy.

/pʊr/ /ɡaɪ/

Poor guy? Poor my boobs.

/pʊr/ /ɡaɪ/ /pʊr/ /maɪ/

Well, it takes a lot of guts to approach a girl

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /lɒt/ /ɡʌts/ /ɡɜːrl/

and you just crushed him.

/ænd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /hɪm/

Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks all broken up inside.

/hiː/ /ɔːl/ /ʌp/

Whatever, you guys have no idea what it's like

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /wɒt/ /laɪk/

to be on the receiving end.

/biː/ /ɒn/ /ɛnd/

"Oh, poor me. I'm a pretty girl

/pʊr/ /miː/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡɜːrl/

and everybody everywhere wants to buy me drinks

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /ˈɛvriwɛr/ /baɪ/ /miː/ /drɪŋks/

and have sex with me."

/ænd/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Waa. Waa.

"Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy, pink drinks

/pʊr/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /drɪŋks/

with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like,

/wɪð/ /riːl/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪz/ /laɪk/

but can't order because they'll be made fun of."

/bʌt/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /biː/ /fʌn/

- Dude. - They're delicious!

/dɪˈlɪʃəs/

Excuse me. Join me in a shot?

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /dʒɔɪn/ /miː/ /ʃɒt/

Oh, no thanks. I've had enough.

/noʊ/ /hæd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

He's too in shape,

/ʃeɪp/

we'd spend all night talking about his body fat content.

/spɛnd/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɪz/ /ˈbɒdi/ /fæt/

Now, if you'll excuse me,

/naʊ/ /ɪf/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

I'm gonna go have a yummy, pink drink with fruit in it...

/ɡoʊ/ /hæv/ /drɪŋk/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

because I can.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /kæn/

You know, that was, like, the third hot guy

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/ /hɒt/ /ɡaɪ/

that James blew off tonight.

/ðæt/ /ɒf/ /təˈnaɪt/

Yeah, he's turning down shots, he's yawning,

/daʊn/ /ʃɒts/

he's whining about his feet.

/əˈbaʊt/ /hɪz/ /fiːt/

He's as bad as we are.

/bæd/ /wiː/

He is.

/hiː/ /ɪz/

Wait, he's exactly as bad as we are. You guys don't think that James is...

/weɪt/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /bæd/ /wiː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

in a relationship?

/rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

No. There's no way. He's Barney's brother.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

Look at that.

/lʊk/ /ðæt/

He's texting!

Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

He is in a couple.

/hiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈkʌpəl/

This is gonna kill Barney.

/ɪz/ /kɪl/

What's gonna kill me?

/kɪl/ /miː/

What's going on?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

B-Barney? B-Barney?

Have you noticed anything... different about James?

/hæv/ /juː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /əˈbaʊt/

No. No

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

I mean, he's glowing from his peel, if that's what you mean.

/miːn/ /hɪz/ /ɪf/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /miːn/

We have reason to believe that James is, uh,

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈriːzən/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

maybe hiding something from you.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/

I-I know you're not gonna like hearing this, but...

/noʊ/ /laɪk/ /bʌt/

Barney... Barney..

your brother is...

/jʊr/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /ɪz/

monogamous.

That's ridiculous!

Just because he's a little sleepy,

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

and he hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall...

/ænd/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /ˈbæθruːm/

He hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall.

/hiː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /ˈbæθruːm/

And, Barney...

/ænd/

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but...

/heɪt/ /biː/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /bʌt/

he's texting.

No, he... No! No, He.. No !

/noʊ/ /hiː/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /hiː/ /noʊ/

That... is impossible.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɪmˈpɒsɪbl/

Excuse... Excuse... Ex... Excuse..Excuse..Ex..

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/

Hey, bro.

/broʊ/

Don't change the subject.

/tʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈsʌbdʒɪkt/

Let me see your phone.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/

Why?

/waɪ/

I just want to see your phone. Let me see your phone.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/

No, it's just a phone. It's just a phone!

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /foʊn/ /dʒʌst/ /foʊn/

And it's got Internet access, and it's got a camera on it,

/ænd/ /ˈɪntərˌnɛt/ /ænd/ /ˈkæmərə/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

and you can surf the Web and do the whole thing.

/ænd/ /juː/ /kæn/ /wɛb/ /ænd/ /duː/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

It's so amazing how far technology has come.

/əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /haʊ/ /fɑːr/ /hæz/ /kʌm/

What kind of phone do you have?

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /foʊn/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/

I got... Anh..

Who is this?

/huː/ /ɪz/

And the answer better be: "I don't remember his name."

/ænd/ /ˈæn.sər/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /biː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /hɪz/ /neɪm/

That is Tom.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

And he's my fiancé.

/ænd/ /maɪ/

Hey.

I don't support this.

/səˈpɔːrt/

Gay marriage?

/ˈmærɪdʒ/

Not gay marriage-- marriage!

/ˈmærɪdʒ/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

How can you do this?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /duː/

We were raised in the same house, with the same values!

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /seɪm/ /haʊs/ /wɪð/ /seɪm/

Believe me, I fought this for a long time.

/bɪˈliːv/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/

Come on, it's embarrassing.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

Look, this felt unnatural to me, too, at first.

/lʊk/ /fɛlt/ /miː/ /fɜːrst/

But I fell in love.

/bʌt/ /lʌv/

And Tom and I realized you can't fight love.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /juː/ /faɪt/ /lʌv/

Oh, God.

Is that what you two do together? You sit around the house

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /tuː/ /duː/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /juː/ /sɪt/ /əˈraʊnd/ /haʊs/

and talk about love? I think... I'm gonna be sick.

/ænd/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /lʌv/ /θɪŋk/ /biː/ /sɪk/

Okay, okay, look, Okay, okay, look

/lʊk/ /lʊk/

I need you to wrap your head around this, okay?

/niːd/ /juː/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/ /əˈraʊnd/

Because it is happening.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/

And I want you to be my best man.

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /juː/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

What? No way.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

/wɛl/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

I hope you change your mind.

/hoʊp/ /juː/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/

Two beers, one shot.

/tuː/ /bɪərz/ /ʃɒt/

Oh, it's a freaking epidemic.

Oh, sweetie! Did you make that for me?

/ˈswiːti/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /meɪk/ /ðæt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Yes. Yes

Clam Bake. Staten Island. Who's in?

/ˈaɪlənd/

Okay, I didn't have high hopes for that one.

/hæv/ /haɪ/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

Okay, here's my thing.

/maɪ/ /θɪŋ/

If gay guys start getting married,

/ɪf/ /ɡaɪz/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/

then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it.

/ðɛn/ /ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /hoʊl/ /biː/ /ɪt/

That's how it works. They start something,

/haʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrks/ /ðeɪ/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

then six months later, everyone follows.

/ðɛn/ /sɪks/ /ˈleɪtər/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Like now everyone gets manicures.

/laɪk/ /naʊ/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ɡɛts/

I don't get manicures.

/ɡɛt/

Okay, then like how... Like getting your chest waxed.

/ðɛn/ /laɪk/ /haʊ/ /laɪk/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /jʊr/

You get your chest waxed?

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/

You know what I mean!

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /miːn/

Gay marriage is going to cause single life,

/ˈmærɪdʒ/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /kɔːz/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /laɪf/

as we know it, to die out.

/wiː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /daɪ/ /aʊt/

Think of how the American family will be strengthened.

/θɪŋk/ /haʊ/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /wɪl/ /biː/

Barney, I'm sorry you're upset, but you got to suck it up

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ʌpˈsɛt/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/

and be a man about this.

/ænd/ /biː/ /mæn/ /əˈbaʊt/

No. No

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

It's always been me and him together, being awesome,

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /miː/ /ænd/ /hɪm/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /ˈɔːsəm/

while the rest of you walked two-by-two

/waɪl/ /rɛst/ /juː/

onto your ark of sexless boredom.

/jʊr/

Just because James is getting married

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/

doesn't mean things are going to change.

/miːn/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

Yeah. Like things haven't changed with you people.

/laɪk/ /θɪŋz/ /tʃeɪndʒd/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

Look, my sister married a guy I didn't like.

/lʊk/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/ /ˈmærid/ /ɡaɪ/ /laɪk/

Sandals and socks-- come on, buddy.

/ænd/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈbʌdi/

But I took her out, we celebrated.

/bʌt/ /tʊk/ /hɜːr/ /aʊt/ /wiː/

It was the right thing to do.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/ /θɪŋ/ /duː/

You got to support him.

/juː/ /səˈpɔːrt/ /hɪm/

You're right, Ted.

/raɪt/

This is a cause for celebration.

/ɪz/ /kɔːz/ /fɔːr/

We need to take him out and celebrate the commitment

/wiː/ /niːd/ /teɪk/ /hɪm/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/

he and Tom are about to make.

/hiː/ /ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /meɪk/

Yeah. This is where we're celebrating

/ɪz/ /wɛr/

the commitment that Tom and I are about to make?

/ðæt/ /ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /meɪk/

What? Yeah! What.. ?Yeah !

/wɒt/ /wɒt/

See, that cage represents your commitment.

/siː/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/

Oh, my God. Freedom has never tasted so delicious.

/maɪ/ /ˈfriːdəm/ /hæz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/

Hey. Hey.

You work out?

/juː/ /wɜːrk/ /aʊt/

I do.

/duː/

And thank you for noticing.

/ænd/ /juː/ /fɔːr/

You're obviously in very good shape yourself.

/ˈɒbviəsli/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ɡʊd/ /ʃeɪp/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Well, I try.

/wɛl/ /traɪ/

So you want to dance?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /dæns/

You know what? I'm very flattered, and, objectively,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ænd/

you're a very attractive man, but this is actually my fiancée.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /mæn/ /bʌt/ /ɪz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /maɪ/

I'm sorry. You know, I saw your drink and I...

/ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /sɔː/ /jʊr/ /drɪŋk/ /ænd/

No, no, this isn't my drink. This is hers.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /drɪŋk/ /ɪz/

No, it isn't.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/

Whatever.

How 'bout you?

/haʊ/ /juː/

Oh, I'm straight, too.

/streɪt/

But I thank you for your time,

/bʌt/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /taɪm/

and I appreciate your interest in my body.

/ænd/ /əˈpriːʃieɪt/ /jʊr/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɒdi/

You see that?

/juː/ /siː/ /ðæt/

Being hit on doesn't have to be terrible.

/ɒn/ /hæv/ /biː/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/

I feel flattered, and everyone left with their dignity.

/fiːl/ /ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /lɛft/ /wɪð/ /ðɛr/

Hey, I really like your sweater.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/

Wow. You actually do, don't you?

/juː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /duː/ /juː/

You're not checking out my boobs or anything.

/aʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

My name's Gay Ken, what do you think?

/maɪ/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

I love this place! Let's dance!

/lʌv/ /pleɪs/ /dæns/

- And not be groped! - Whoo! Thank you.

/ænd/ /biː/ /wuː/ /juː/

- Damn. - Thank you!

/juː/

- We're hot. - Totally.

/hɒt/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

And then Tom says to the dealer

/ænd/ /ðɛn/

that the handmade Georgian clock has a chip on the corner.

/ðæt/ /klɒk/ /hæz/ /ɒn/ /ˈkɔːrnər/

Blam, we get that puppy half price. What up?!

/wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /hæf/ /praɪs/ /wɒt/ /ʌp/

Bam! Bam!

Sounds like you really rocked that arts and crafts fair.

/laɪk/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ðæt/ /ænd/ /fɛr/

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Hey, oh, my God. This is so liberating,

/maɪ/ /ɪz/

being able to talk about this to you.

/ˈeɪ.bəl/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

I cannot wait for you to meet Tom.

/weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /miːt/

And I cannot wait for you to meet my good friend...

/ænd/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /miːt/ /maɪ/ /ɡʊd/ /frɛnd/

this guy.

/ɡaɪ/

Excuse me, do you know anyone who would like to buy

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /huː/ /wʊd/ /laɪk/ /baɪ/

my incredibly muscular, fun, large-handed brother a drink?

/maɪ/ /fʌn/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /drɪŋk/

Eh, eh, eh, let's focus on you, Barnaby. Okay.

/ˈfoʊkəs/ /ɒn/ /juː/

All right. I spy a group of women who have let their defenses down

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɡruːp/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /huː/ /hæv/ /lɛt/ /ðɛr/ /daʊn/

because they are in a gay club.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðeɪ/ /klʌb/

You see that chick right there?

/juː/ /siː/ /ðæt/ /tʃɪk/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/

She looks like she'd fall for sports agent and football player.

/ʃiː/ /laɪk/ /fɔːl/ /fɔːr/ /spɔːrts/ /ænd/ /ˈfʊtbɔːl/ /ˈpleɪər/

Okay, I'm in.

Which one am I?

/wɪtʃ/

Please.

/pliːz/

He's very shy, loves tennis and Brazil, and drops his pants

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ʃaɪ/ /lʌvz/ /ænd/ /ænd/ /hɪz/ /pænts/

after three dirty martinis. Now go, man, go!

/ˈæf.tər/ /θriː/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /naʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /mæn/ /ɡoʊ/

I just never thought I'd see Barney so vulnerable.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /θɔːt/ /siː/

Well, I guess no one wants to feel like they're going through the world alone.

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /noʊ/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /wɜːrld/ /əˈloʊn/

Look at me, in a yummy sandwich!

/lʊk/ /miː/ /ˈsænwɪtʃ/

Okay, we're actually right in the middle of something right now, so...

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /raɪt/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Ooh, I know what I want to be in the middle of. Thoughts?

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /ˈmɪdəl/

God, can't two straight guys come to a gay dance club,

/tuː/ /streɪt/ /ɡaɪz/ /kʌm/ /dæns/ /klʌb/

enjoy some techno and good conversation without being bothered?

/ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /sʌm/ /ænd/ /ɡʊd/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

How's it going, guys? Still enjoying the attentions of men?

/ɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡaɪz/ /mɛn/

That's like the eighth guy who's hit on us in ten minutes.

/laɪk/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɒn/ /ʌs/ /tɛn/

It's like, hello, my eyes are up here.

/laɪk/ /maɪ/ /aɪz/ /ʌp/ /hɪr/

And it's never the hot ones.

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hɒt/

It's always the losers. Bums me out!

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /miː/ /aʊt/

Looks like the boys learned their lesson.

/laɪk/ /bɔɪz/ /lɜːrnd/ /ðɛr/ /ˈlɛs.ən/

Do you totally miss being hit on?

/duː/ /juː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /mɪs/ /ɒn/

Oh, totally. Let's go find a sports bar.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /ɡoʊ/ /faɪnd/ /spɔːrts/ /bɑːr/

James, James, since you like arts and crafts,

/sɪns/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /ænd/

look at what Charles here made with cherry stems.

/lʊk/ /wɒt/ /hɪr/ /wɪð/

He did it with his tongue.

/hiː/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /hɪz/

Yeah. Yeah.

Barney. Barney.

So, Charles, why don't you put your number in my brother's phone,

/waɪ/ /juː/ /pʊt/ /jʊr/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /maɪ/ /foʊn/

and once he's in a funner mood...

/ænd/ /wʌns/

Barney, Barney, I don't want his number.

/wɒnt/ /hɪz/ /ˈnʌmbər/

I don't want anyone's number, okay?

/wɒnt/ /ˈnʌmbər/

I'm getting married.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/

Wow.

- Best of luck to you both. - Thank you.

/bɛst/ /lʌk/ /juː/ /boʊθ/ /juː/

My number's in here.

/maɪ/ /hɪr/

I'm very discreet.

/ˈvɛr.i/

Okay, okay, excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Barney, family talk.

/ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /tɔːk/

Okay, dude, you have got to stop this, okay?

/juː/ /hæv/ /stɒp/

I know that my getting married is threatening to your way of life...

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /weɪ/ /laɪf/

Oh, so now it's my way of life?

/naʊ/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/ /laɪf/

I thought it was our way of life.

/θɔːt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /aʊər/ /weɪ/ /laɪf/

You've completely turned your back on it.

/kəmˈpliːtli/ /jʊr/ /bæk/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Look at you, not even suited up.

/lʊk/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /ʌp/

Do you remember why we suit up, James?

/duː/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /waɪ/ /wiː/ /suːt/ /ʌp/

To get laid.

/ɡɛt/

To show people that we are different

/ʃoʊ/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

from the millions of T-shirt and jeans lemmings out there.

/ænd/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

The suit shows that we are a force to be reckoned with,

/suːt/ /ʃoʊz/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /fɔːrs/ /biː/ /wɪð/

a two-person army that plays by its own rules.

/ðæt/ /pleɪz/ /ɪts/ /oʊn/

But you've taken off the uniform, you've crossed enemy lines,

/bʌt/ /ɒf/ /ˈjuːnɪfɔːrm/

and you've abandoned me.

/ænd/ /miː/

Well, I'm not gonna let you do that.

/wɛl/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

It's not too late to back out of this stupid marriage thing!

/leɪt/ /bæk/ /aʊt/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/ /θɪŋ/

You don't have to do this, bro!

/juː/ /hæv/ /duː/ /broʊ/

- Yes, I do. - Why?!

/duː/ /waɪ/

Because Tom and I are gonna have a baby.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

What? There's gonna be a baby?

/wɒt/ /biː/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Yes. We're adopting.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna be an uncle?

/maɪ/ /biː/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

For the rest of your life.

/fɔːr/ /rɛst/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

And that's how Barney became Uncle Barney.

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

A year later, at James's wedding,

/jɪr/ /ˈleɪtər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Barney could not have been more proud.

/kʊd/ /hæv/ /mɔːr/ /praʊd/

To James and Tom.

/ænd/

May you have a long and happy life together.

/meɪ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /lɔːŋ/ /ænd/ /ˈhæp.i/ /laɪf/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

And may I always have the skin and libido of a much younger man.

/ænd/ /meɪ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /hæv/ /skɪn/ /ænd/ /mʌtʃ/ /mæn/

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Nice one.

/naɪs/

Thanks. I decided to leave out the hetero college phase.

/liːv/ /aʊt/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

No one wants to hear about that.

/noʊ/ /hɪr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

It was perfect.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

You even made Tom's dad cry.

/juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /dæd/ /kraɪ/

Might have been doing that because he's a Republican.

/maɪt/ /hæv/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

It's 9:00.

We should be getting back. You guys want to split a cab?

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /bæk/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɒnt/ /splɪt/ /kæb/

Uh, no, I think I'm gonna stay a little bit longer.

/noʊ/ /θɪŋk/ /steɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/

Yeah, me, too. I'm not tired at all.

/miː/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/ /ɔːl/

All right, well, it's getting late. Got to get the wife home.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /wɛl/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /leɪt/ /ɡɛt/ /waɪf/ /hoʊm/

Oh, stop calling me that. It makes me sound fat.

/stɒp/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/ /miː/ /saʊnd/ /fæt/

Ugh, it's a freaking epidemic.

/ʌɡ/

- May I? - Yeah.

/meɪ/

Hey, buddy.

/ˈbʌdi/

Your parents are married.

/jʊr/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /ˈmærid/

Now, listen, you.

/naʊ/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /juː/

Just because you're being raised by married people

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈmærid/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

doesn't mean you have to choose that lifestyle.

/miːn/ /juː/ /hæv/ /tʃuːz/ /ðæt/

High-five.

Luckily, you got me.

/juː/ /miː/

In 20 and a half years, you'll be 21,

/ænd/ /hæf/ /biː/

and I will be...

/ænd/ /wɪl/ /biː/

Well, I haven't decided how old I'll be yet.