Season 2 · Tập 9

..learn about relationships is that you're never done

/lɜːrn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪps/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /dʌn/

getting to know someone.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /noʊ/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

Everyone has secrets.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /hæz/

Some are nice.

/sʌm/ /naɪs/

You know how to make crepes?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /meɪk/

That is so cool.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /kuːl/

Some aren't as nice.

/sʌm/ /naɪs/

And then there was Derek, and counting you,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ænd/ /juː/

- that puts the total up to-- - Oh, I got your total.

/ðæt/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/

I've been counting along.

/əˈlɒŋ/

And some are just weird.

/ænd/ /sʌm/ /dʒʌst/

You're scared of the seven dwarfs?

/skɛrd/ /ˈsɛvən/

Just Doc. He's creepy.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈkriːpi/

I mean the guy went to medical school.

/miːn/ /ɡaɪ/ /wɛnt/ /ˈmɛdɪkl/ /skuːl/

What's he doing living with six coal miners?

/hiː/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /sɪks/

Oh, man! I'm so excited. I couldn't sleep last night.

/mæn/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /sliːp/ /læst/ /naɪt/

- I bet you guys couldn't either. - Why?

/bɛt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /waɪ/

Only the Gala event for the Grand Opening

/ˈoʊnli/ /ɪˈvɛnt/ /fɔːr/

of Sharper Image's 500th store. Didn't you get my email?

/stɔːr/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /maɪ/

No, I blocked your address after the fourth time

/noʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈæf.tər/ /taɪm/

you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt.

/juː/ /sɛnt/ /miː/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /ˈmʌŋki/ /hɪz/ /oʊn/ /bʌt/

Come on! It's on me. I'm buying three of you foot massagers

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɒn/ /miː/ /θriː/ /juː/ /fʊt/

and one of you a nose hair trimmer. You know who you are.

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊz/ /hɛr/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /huː/ /juː/

Come on, let's go.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɡoʊ/

Okay, I'm in.

- To the Willowbrook Mall! - To the Willowbrook Mall.

/mɔːl/ /mɔːl/

Oh, it's at a mall? I'm not going.

/mɔːl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

What? Why not?

/wɒt/ /waɪ/

I just don't feel like going to a mall.

/dʒʌst/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /mɔːl/

We can split a Cinnabon.

/wiː/ /kæn/ /splɪt/

No, I'm really not going to go.

/noʊ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/

- Come on, it'll be fun. - No, I don't go to malls!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /biː/ /fʌn/ /noʊ/ /ɡoʊ/

Sorry, I just don't like malls.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/

Why not?

/waɪ/

I'd rather not say.

/ˈrɑːðər/ /seɪ/

- Sharper Images. - But that's where clothes live.

/bʌt/ /wɛr/ /kloʊðz/ /lɪv/

Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls.

/ɡaɪz/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɡaɪz/ /laɪk/

If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to.

/ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /wɒnt/ /tɛl/ /ʌs/ /waɪ/ /ʃiː/ /hæv/

I think we should all just respect her privacy.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɔːl/ /dʒʌst/ /rɪˈspɛkt/ /hɜːr/

Thanks, Ted.

So, what's the deal with you and malls?

/diːl/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ænd/

I thought you said that, if I didn't want to talk about it,

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/ /ɪf/ /wɒnt/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

I didn't have to.

/hæv/

Yeah, with those people.

/wɪð/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

But I'm your boyfriend. Come on. What is it?

/bʌt/ /jʊr/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Did you get arrested at a mall?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /mɔːl/

No.

/noʊ/

- Dumped at a mall? - Ted.

/dʌmpt/ /mɔːl/

Found out you were Canadian at a mall?

/aʊt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /mɔːl/

Let it go. "Let it go"

/lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/

Trapped under a fake boulder at a mall?

/ˈʌndər/ /feɪk/ /mɔːl/

- Let it go. - Mauled at the mall?

/lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/

Let it go! "Let it go "

/lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/

And who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall?

/ænd/ /huː/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈʌndər/ /feɪk/ /mɔːl/

Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure.

/miː/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /fɔːr/ /ʃʊr/

I don't get it. Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /waɪ/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /waɪ/ /ʃiː/ /heɪts/

Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/ /hæz/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

The more you learn about a person,

/mɔːr/ /juː/ /lɜːrn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Oh" moment.

/ˈbɛt.ər/ /tʃæns/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

The "Oh" moment?

/ˈmoʊmənt/

Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person

/ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

that is going to be a deal breaker.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /diːl/

It's a promise ring.

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /rɪŋ/

I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.

/wɪð/ /steɪ/ /ˈmærid/

I don't have an eating disorder.

/hæv/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/

It's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it, and then I spit it out.

/dʒʌst/ /wɛn/ /pʊt/ /fuːd/ /maɪ/ /maʊθ/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

I just turned 30.

/dʒʌst/

So trust me, you want to postpone

/trʌst/ /miː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

Mmm. I disagree. If there is some potential "Oh" moment,

/ɪf/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /sʌm/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

I want to know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?

/wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/ /əˈweɪ/ /miːn/

I now pronounce you, man and wife.

/naʊ/ /juː/ /mæn/ /ænd/ /waɪf/

I love you.

/lʌv/ /juː/

I used to be a dude.

/biː/

Yeah, I agree with Ted.

/əˈɡriː/ /wɪð/

In a real relationship, you share everything.

/riːl/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /juː/ /ʃɛr/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

That's why Marshall and I don't keep any secrets.

/waɪ/ /ænd/ /kiːp/ /ˈɛn.i/

You are such a cutie pie. Here's a quarter.

/juː/ /sʌtʃ/ /paɪ/ /ˈkwɔːrtər/

Go play a song on the jukebox.

/ɡoʊ/ /pleɪ/ /sɒŋ/ /ɒn/

No, it's true. They tell each other everything.

/noʊ/ /truː/ /ðeɪ/ /tɛl/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

I can think of tons of things, there's no way Marshall's told you.

/kæn/ /θɪŋk/ /θɪŋz/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/ /toʊld/ /juː/

Try me.

/traɪ/ /miː/

Do you know about the time Marshall was in Trenton?

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/

Donkey ate his pants. Yup.

/eɪt/ /hɪz/ /pænts/

Bill's bachelor party in Memphis?

/ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach?

/wɛn/ /ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /aʊt/ /ɔːl/ /hɪz/

Wow. Okay. Seattle.

Trick question. Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

because he's afraid of Sasquatch.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /əˈfreɪd/

Damn, you're good.

/ɡʊd/

I'm not afraid of Sasquatch, I just think we should all be on alert.

/əˈfreɪd/ /dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɔːl/ /biː/ /ɒn/

Trust me. Not only do they tell each other everything,

/trʌst/ /miː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /duː/ /ðeɪ/ /tɛl/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

they want to know everything.

/ðeɪ/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

So after the shower I was brushing my teeth. And I was like,

/ˈæf.tər/ /ˈʃaʊər/ /wɒz/ /maɪ/ /tiːθ/ /ænd/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/

"Oh, man! I wanted to have some orange juice.

/mæn/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /ˈɒrɪndʒ/ /dʒuːs/

I should have done that first."

/ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /dʌn/ /ðæt/ /fɜːrst/

But I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush.

/bʌt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hæd/ /ɒn/

So I just went ahead and brushed them anyway.

/dʒʌst/ /wɛnt/ /ænd/ /ðɛm/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

What happened next?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /nɛkst/

Yeah, meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing.

/miː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Fine. Do you want to know what Robin's secret is?

/faɪn/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /ɪz/

You know?

/juː/ /noʊ/

Of course I know.

/kɔːrs/ /noʊ/

She couldn't look at us, her face got flushed--

/ʃiː/ /lʊk/ /ʌs/ /hɜːr/ /feɪs/

that's shame, my friend.

/ʃeɪm/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/

Our friend Robin used to do porn, wait for it...

/aʊər/ /frɛnd/ /duː/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

...ography.

Yeah, we didn't really need to wait for that.

/wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /niːd/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

And it's ridiculous.

/ænd/

I don't know. He could be right.

/noʊ/ /hiː/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /raɪt/

She does have the fake orgasm noises down.

/ʃiː/ /dʌz/ /hæv/ /feɪk/ /daʊn/

Hey! Hey!

What? The walls are thin.

/wɒt/ /θɪn/

That's not what I'm "hey"ing you about.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

You know what it might be?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /maɪt/ /biː/

This is going to sound a little crazy but what if Robin is married?

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /saʊnd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /bʌt/ /wɒt/ /ɪf/ /ɪz/ /ˈmærid/

Married? What does that have to do with the mall?

/ˈmærid/ /wɒt/ /dʌz/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /duː/ /wɪð/ /mɔːl/

Well, maybe she got married at the mall.

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ʃiː/ /ˈmærid/ /mɔːl/

Back home in Minnesota, a ton of people get married

/bæk/ /hoʊm/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

at the Mall of America. It's great.

/mɔːl/ /ɡreɪt/

There's this gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures,

/kɔːrs/ /fɔːr/ /ˈpɪktʃərz/

numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable--

/faɪn/ /ˈdaɪnɪŋ/ /ˈɒpʃənz/ /ænd/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈriːzənəbl/

- We are not getting married at the mall! - Well, just meet with the guy.

/wiː/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/ /mɔːl/ /wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /miːt/ /wɪð/ /ɡaɪ/

She's not married. Robin hates marriage.

/ˈmærid/ /heɪts/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

Because she already got married.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ʃiː/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ˈmærid/

At the mall.

/mɔːl/

No, because before Robin moved to New York, she...

/noʊ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ʃiː/

What was she doing?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ʃiː/

Well, I don't know. Whenever I ask her about Canada,

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /æsk/ /hɜːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈkænədə/

she kind of clams up.

/ʃiː/ /kaɪnd/ /ʌp/

She's a pretty private person.

/ˈprɪti/ /ˈpraɪvɪt/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

Except when she's talking about...

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /wɛn/ /əˈbaʊt/

Oh, a friend of mine in Canada got married way too young

/frɛnd/ /maɪn/ /ˈkænədə/ /ˈmærid/ /weɪ/ /jʌŋ/

and it really turned her off to marriage.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɜːr/ /ɒf/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

What do you think of this wedding cake?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /keɪk/

Oh, I like it.

/laɪk/ /ɪt/

Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada

/juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/ /frɛnd/ /maɪn/ /ˈkænədə/

who got married way too young?

/huː/ /ˈmærid/ /weɪ/ /jʌŋ/

Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Fields' giant cookie.

/hɜːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /keɪk/ /wɒz/ /ˈmɪsɪz/

No. No

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

My friend in Canada who got married way too young,

/maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /ˈkænədə/ /huː/ /ˈmærid/ /weɪ/ /jʌŋ/

they had to do their vows twice, once in French.

/ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /duː/ /ðɛr/ /vaʊz/ /wʌns/

They speak French there, too?

/ðeɪ/ /spiːk/ /ðɛr/

God, that place is a mess.

/ðæt/ /pleɪs/ /ɪz/ /mɛs/

So you don't think there's any "friend" from Canada?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈɛn.i/ /frɛnd/ /ˈkænədə/

Oh, I'm sure there is.

/ʃʊr/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/

Just like I have a "friend" who wet his bed till he was ten.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /hæv/ /frɛnd/ /huː/ /wɛt/ /hɪz/ /bɛd/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /tɛn/

Use your brain, Ted.

/juːz/ /jʊr/ /breɪn/

Guys, there's no way Robin is married.

/ɡaɪz/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/ /ɪz/ /ˈmærid/

It's ludicrous to even suggest it.

/ˈiːvən/ /səˈdʒɛst/ /ɪt/

- Thank you, Barney. - 'Cause it's porn.

/juː/ /kɔːz/

I need another beer.

/niːd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /bɪər/

Robin was not in porn. I bet you anything that she's married.

/wɒz/ /bɛt/ /juː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ˈmærid/

$20,000 says it's porn.

I don't have $20,000.

/hæv/

Well, then what do you have?

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/

- Well... - No. -Well -No

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /wɛl/ /noʊ/

I've got it. The ultimate wager--

/ɪt/

slap bet.

/bɛt/

Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid.

/bɛt/ /wiː/ /duː/ /ðoʊz/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /kɪd/

What the hell's a slap bet?

/wɒt/ /bɛt/

Whoever is right gets to slap the other person in the face

/ɪz/ /raɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /feɪs/

as hard as they possibly can-- but no rings.

/hɑːrd/ /ðeɪ/ /kæn/ /bʌt/ /noʊ/

Are you really going to do that? That's so immature.

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /ðæt/

- You can be Slap Bet Commissioner. - Ooh, I love it. What are my powers?

/juː/ /kæn/ /biː/ /bɛt/ /lʌv/ /ɪt/ /wɒt/ /maɪ/

Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job.

/ɪf/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /jʊr/ /dʒɒb/

But you have to be unbiased

/bʌt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /biː/

and put the integrity of slap bet above all else.

/ænd/ /pʊt/ /bɛt/ /ɔːl/ /ɛls/

This is an honor you will take with you to your grave.

/ɪz/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /teɪk/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /jʊr/

On your tombstone, it will read,

/ɒn/ /jʊr/ /ɪt/ /wɪl/ /riːd/

"Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend,

/waɪf/ /ˈlʌvɪŋ/ /frɛnd/

Slap Bet Commissioner."

/bɛt/

And your tombstone will read "Got slapped by Marshall, so hard he died."

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /wɪl/ /riːd/ /hɑːrd/ /hiː/ /daɪd/

Okay. What if I just ask Robin point blank if she has a husband?

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /dʒʌst/ /æsk/ /pɔɪnt/ /ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /hæz/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

You said you would respect her privacy,

/juː/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /rɪˈspɛkt/ /hɜːr/

so maybe you should just drop it.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /drɒp/ /ɪt/

Yeah, you're right.

/raɪt/

Husband.

/ˈhʌzbənd/

There's no "P" in husband.

/noʊ/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands.

/juː/ /siːm/ /noʊ/ /lɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

Fine. I'll take it back.

/faɪn/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /bæk/

Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands, this is great, you're going to love this.

/sɪns/ /juː/ /ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /lʌv/

Marshall, you know Marshall. He thinks that the reason

/juː/ /noʊ/ /hiː/ /ðæt/ /ˈriːzən/

you didn't want to go to the mall the other day

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /deɪ/

is because you got married at a mall and have a husband in Canada.

/ɪz/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /ˈmærid/ /mɔːl/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈhʌzbənd/ /ˈkænədə/

I told him he's crazy. Because he's crazy, right?

/toʊld/ /hɪm/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /raɪt/

I mean, how crazy is that?

/miːn/ /haʊ/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Are you asking me if I'm married?

/juː/ /miː/ /ɪf/ /ˈmærid/

Well, you can ask me.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /kæn/ /æsk/ /miː/

Nope, I'm not married. Your turn.

/ˈmærid/ /jʊr/ /tɜːrn/

What happened to respecting my privacy?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /maɪ/

Look, just say, "No, I'm not married."

/lʊk/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /noʊ/ /ˈmærid/

Ted, I don't understand why you can't--

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /waɪ/ /juː/

Just say, "No, I'm not married."

/dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /noʊ/ /ˈmærid/

I can't.

Marshall's right.

/raɪt/

I was young and I got married.

/wɒz/ /jʌŋ/ /ænd/ /ˈmærid/

It was a mistake and he moved away, but...

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /mɪˈsteɪk/ /ænd/ /hiː/ /əˈweɪ/ /bʌt/

yeah. I'm married.

/ˈmærid/

You have a husband?

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

I was young and stupid

/wɒz/ /jʌŋ/ /ænd/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall

/ænd/ /wiː/ /ˈmærid/ /mɔːl/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /ʌp/ /mɔːl/

and I... I haven't been to a mall since.

/ænd/ /mɔːl/ /sɪns/

Why didn't you get divorced?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /dɪˈvɔːrst/

He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like...

/hiː/ /fɔːr/ /wɜːrk/ /ænd/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/

eh, good enough.

/ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Good enough? That's not good enough.

/ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

You order pancakes, you get waffles, that's good enough.

/juː/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /ˈpænkeɪks/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Look, I haven't seen him in years.

/lʊk/ /hɪm/

It's just a part of my life I want to forget.

/dʒʌst/ /pɑːrt/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /wɒnt/ /fərˈɡɛt/

Just please don't tell anyone about this.

/dʒʌst/ /pliːz/ /tɛl/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /əˈbaʊt/

Okay. Okay

Dude, your hand is monstrous.

/jʊr/ /hænd/ /ɪz/

Yeah, well, what'd you expect? You've seen my penis.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /ɪkˈspɛkt/ /maɪ/

I can't believe you told us Robin's secret.

/bɪˈliːv/ /juː/ /toʊld/ /ʌs/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

What? How could I keep something like that to myself?

/wɒt/ /haʊ/ /kʊd/ /kiːp/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

And you begged me to tell you.

/ænd/ /juː/ /miː/ /tɛl/ /juː/

No, I didn't.

/noʊ/

Please tell us. Just tell us. I'm begging you.

/pliːz/ /tɛl/ /ʌs/ /dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /ʌs/ /juː/

Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Please please please--

/tɛl/ /ʌs/ /tɛl/ /ʌs/ /tɛl/ /ʌs/ /pliːz/ /pliːz/ /pliːz/

Fine. Robin's married.

/faɪn/ /ˈmærid/

Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /hæv/ /toʊld/ /ʌs/

I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you?

/miːn/ /wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /juː/

See that's just it, I'm not the boyfriend.

/siː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɪt/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

I'm the mistress.

No, not the mistress.

/noʊ/

The mastress. Mastress.

The master. What do you call it?

/ˈmæstər/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /kɔːl/ /ɪt/

Uh, pretty sure we're going to call it mistress.

/ˈprɪti/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /kɔːl/ /ɪt/

What am I going to do? My girlfriend's married.

/wɒt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /maɪ/ /ˈmærid/

Do I ask her to get a divorce?

/duː/ /æsk/ /hɜːr/ /ɡɛt/ /dɪˈvɔːrs/

Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage.

/ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈmærid/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

It's like their money, or their army.

/laɪk/ /ðɛr/ /ˈmʌn.i/ /ðɛr/

Nobody takes it seriously.

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ɪt/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/

It's serious to me.

/ˈsɪəriəs/ /miː/

You know what, in some countries, if you been separated

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /sʌm/ /ɪf/ /juː/

for longer than five years, technically, you're no longer married.

/fɔːr/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/ /ðæn/ /faɪv/ /noʊ/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/ /ˈmærid/

I can check it out at the law library at school.

/kæn/ /tʃɛk/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /lɔː/ /ˈlaɪbrɛri/ /skuːl/

I can see my hand print on your face.

/kæn/ /siː/ /maɪ/ /hænd/ /prɪnt/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /feɪs/

Don't get too cocky, Slappy.

/ɡɛt/

I just got a shipment of porn from Canada I have to go through.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈkænədə/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /θruː/

I won the bet. Why are you still searching?

/wʌn/ /bɛt/ /waɪ/ /juː/

Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong.

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/ /miːn/ /rɒŋ/

Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn.

/raɪt/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /niːd/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /wɒtʃ/

Canadian porn.

Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system

/trʌst/ /miː/ /wɛn/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ðɛr/ /kɛr/ /ˈsɪstəm/

doesn't cover breast implants.

/ˈkʌvər/

If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian

/ɪf/ /hæv/ /sɪt/ /θruː/ /mɔːr/

riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni

/ɒn/ /bæk/

I'll go out of my mind.

/ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /maɪnd/

- Hey. - Hey. - Hey. - Hey.

Listen, dude, I got to talk to you,

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /tɔːk/ /juː/

but you got to promise me that you won't tell Barney.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /tɛl/

Fine, I won't tell Barney. What is it?

/faɪn/ /tɛl/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

- Robin's not married. - What?

/ˈmærid/ /wɒt/

Why would she tell me she was?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /ʃiː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/

I don't know, but I cross- checked every record in Canada.

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /krɒs/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /rɪˈkɔːrd/ /ˈkænədə/

There's no record of her ever being married.

/noʊ/ /rɪˈkɔːrd/ /hɜːr/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈmærid/

There must be some mistake.

/ðɛr/ /mʌst/ /biː/ /sʌm/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

I promise you. She's not married.

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /juː/ /ˈmærid/

She's not great at parking legally either.

/ɡreɪt/ /ˈiː.ðər/

So she lied to me? W--What am I going to do?

/ʃiː/ /laɪd/ /miː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/

I-I can't confront her, 'cause then she'll know I told you.

/hɜːr/ /kɔːz/ /ðɛn/ /noʊ/ /toʊld/ /juː/

You got to lawyer her.

/juː/ /ˈlɔːjər/ /hɜːr/

You got to ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up,

/juː/ /æsk/ /hɜːr/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /traɪ/ /trɪp/ /hɜːr/ /ʌp/

maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes

/ˈmeɪbi/ /meɪk/ /hɜːr/ /fiːl/ /ˈɡɪlti/ /ɪt/

to get a confession out of her.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɜːr/

Thanks for telling me your secret.

/fɔːr/ /miː/ /jʊr/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

It means so much to me, that you could be so--

/ɪt/ /mʌtʃ/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /biː/

God, what's the word I'm looking for?

/wɜːrd/ /fɔːr/

Honest.

/ˈɒnɪst/

Mm, thanks, Ted. Mm, Thanks, Ted.

Yeah. You know what's probably the best part about your honesty?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /bɛst/ /pɑːrt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/

How truthful it is.

/haʊ/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

I say we just move on.

/seɪ/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /muːv/ /ɒn/

Well, for me to get total closure on this whole

/wɛl/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /hoʊl/

"my girlfriend has a husband" thing,

/maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /hæz/ /ˈhʌzbənd/ /θɪŋ/

I think I might need a little bit more information,

/θɪŋk/ /maɪt/ /niːd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/ /ˌɪn.fərˈmeɪ.ʃən/

like what month did you get married?

/laɪk/ /wɒt/ /mʌnθ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

June. We had a June wedding.

/wiː/ /hæd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Ah, Canada in June.

/ˈkænədə/

That's the dream.

/driːm/

Sit-down or buffet?

Well, it's... weird that you don't remember.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

No, I just didn't know how to answer

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ˈæn.sər/

because we did butlered hors d'oeuvres in the atrium,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wiː/ /dɪd/

but the actual dinner was a buffet in the Food Court

/bʌt/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /wɒz/ /fuːd/ /kɔːt/

featuring a filet mignon or a roasted potato-crusted salmon

with a lobster scallion beurre blanc.

/wɪð/

Band or DJ?

/bænd/

A string quartet played at the ceremony,

but for the actual reception, we had a seven-piece band.

/bʌt/ /fɔːr/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /bænd/

We paid extra for the sax

/wiː/ /ˈɛkstrə/ /fɔːr/

'cause I just love that smooth alto sound.

/kɔːz/ /dʒʌst/ /lʌv/ /ðæt/ /saʊnd/

- How many bridesmaids? - Seven.

/haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈsɛvən/

- Flowers? - Azaleas.

/ˈflaʊərz/

- Color scheme? - Dusty rose and sienna.

/ˈkʌlər/ /roʊz/ /ænd/

Husband's name.

/neɪm/

- You were never married! - Yes, I was.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈmærid/ /wɒz/

- No, you weren't. - How do you know?

/noʊ/ /juː/ /haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I looked it up at the library.

/ɪt/ /ʌp/ /ˈlaɪbrɛri/

- What library? - The one on Fifth.

/wɒt/ /ˈlaɪbrɛri/ /ɒn/

- When did you go? - Today at lunch,

/wɛn/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /təˈdeɪ/ /lʌntʃ/

and I had an apple brie panini with potato salad...

/ænd/ /hæd/ /ˈæp.əl/ /wɪð/ /pəˈteɪtoʊ/ /ˈsæləd/

I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted.

/lʌntʃ/ /pɑːrt/

What database did you use?

/wɒt/ /ˈdeɪtəbeɪs/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /juːz/

I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000.

/mɔːl/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

Fine, Marshall looked it up at school.

/faɪn/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /skuːl/

- You told Marshall?! - You lied to me!

/juː/ /toʊld/ /juː/ /laɪd/ /miː/

See, this is why I don't tell people secrets.

/siː/ /ɪz/ /waɪ/ /tɛl/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /moʊst/

and even you couldn't keep a secret.

/ænd/ /ˈiːvən/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

But it was a fake secret.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /feɪk/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

Yeah, I was testing you and you failed.

/wɒz/ /juː/ /ænd/ /juː/ /feɪld/

And now you're never gonna know why I don't go to the mall.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/

And it's good, too.

/ænd/ /ɡʊd/

You were testing me? That's insane.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /miː/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

Oh, yeah? How long did it take for you to tell Marshall

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /teɪk/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /tɛl/

my biggest secret in the world? Five minutes?

/maɪ/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /wɜːrld/ /faɪv/

- That wasn't a real secret! - Yeah, but it could have been.

/ðæt/ /riːl/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /kʊd/ /hæv/

You are driving me crazy!

/juː/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /miː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.

/noʊ/ /ˈwʌndər/ /jʊr/ /feɪk/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

He moved there for business.

/hiː/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbɪznɪs/

You. You

/juː/ /juː/

You got something to say to me?

/juː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /seɪ/ /miː/

What are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

I know Robin was never really married.

/noʊ/ /wɒz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈmærid/

How could you possibly know that?

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

And then I put on my pajamas and got into bed.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ænd/ /bɛd/

How about you?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

Oh, let's see, uh, first I took the subway to school.

/siː/ /fɜːrst/ /tʊk/ /ˈsʌbweɪ/ /skuːl/

Then I got a bagel.

/ðɛn/

Then I went to the library and found out Robin was never married.

/ðɛn/ /wɛnt/ /ˈlaɪbrɛri/ /ænd/ /aʊt/ /wɒz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈmærid/

Crazy.

/ˈkreɪzi/

Then I was hungry again, so I went down to the vending machine,

/ðɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/ /əˈɡɛn/ /wɛnt/ /daʊn/ /məˈʃiːn/

but by the time I got down there, I wasn't even hungry anymore.

/bʌt/ /taɪm/ /daʊn/ /ðɛr/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

- You told him? - I had to.

/juː/ /toʊld/ /hɪm/ /hæd/

I'm Slap Bet Commissioner.

/bɛt/

Believe me, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you.

/bɪˈliːv/ /miː/ /hɜːrts/ /miː/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /hɜːrt/ /juː/

Don't count on it. I've been practicing on a tree trunk.

/kaʊnt/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/ /triː/ /trʌŋk/

- Barney gets three slaps. - Three?

/ɡɛts/ /θriː/ /θriː/

One because you lied and two for being prematurely slapped.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /laɪd/ /ænd/ /tuː/ /fɔːr/

Three slaps.

/θriː/

But--

/bʌt/

Oh, my God. Oh, my God

/maɪ/ /maɪ/

- Are you gonna cry? - No.

/juː/ /kraɪ/ /noʊ/

You're gonna cry.

/kraɪ/

I just don't think it's healthy to keep big secrets in a relationship.

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈhɛlθi/ /kiːp/ /bɪɡ/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

My parents didn't really talk to each other for 30 years

/maɪ/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /tɔːk/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /fɔːr/

and now they're divorced.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /dɪˈvɔːrst/

I have shared more of myself with you

/hæv/ /mɔːr/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /wɪð/ /juː/

than I've ever shared with anyone.

/ðæn/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /wɪð/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

I'm asking for this one secret,

/fɔːr/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

which has nothing to do with us, to just be mine.

/wɪtʃ/ /hæz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /maɪn/

So I just got a very interesting phone call.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/ /foʊn/ /kɔːl/

What are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

I know Robin's secret.

/noʊ/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

- What? - That's right.

/wɒt/ /raɪt/

I know your secret, Robin.

/noʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

Or should I say Robin Sparkles?

/ʃʊd/ /seɪ/

How do you know that name?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /neɪm/

Because I know the truth,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /noʊ/ /truːθ/

and I am about to show it to you right now.

/ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ʃoʊ/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Gather 'round, Ted, you're gonna want to see this.

/ˈɡæðər/ /raʊnd/ /wɒnt/ /siː/

Yeah, no, I don't.

/noʊ/

What? What ?

/wɒt/ /wɒt/

Robin wants to keep this a secret, so...

/kiːp/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

it's gonna stay a secret.

/steɪ/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret.

/steɪ/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

You see, in my research,

/juː/ /siː/ /maɪ/ /ˈriːsɜːrtʃ/

I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia

who is in possession of a certain videotape.

/huː/ /ɪz/

He just emailed me that it will be up and running

/hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/

on My Space in about... right now.

/ɒn/ /maɪ/ /speɪs/ /əˈbaʊt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down.

/wɜːrld/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /biː/

I mean, I'm guessing.

/miːn/

Barney, don't, okay?

Robin, please don't panic.

/pliːz/

I'm only gonna show enough to prove to Marshall I was right.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ʃoʊ/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /pruːv/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/

No, Barney, I said we're not watching this.

/noʊ/ /sɛd/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/

No, it's time.

/noʊ/ /taɪm/

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

/lʊk/ /əˈpriːʃieɪt/ /wɒt/ /duː/

but if it's out there, there's no point in trying to hide it anymore.

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /noʊ/ /pɔɪnt/ /haɪd/ /ɪt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Let's just watch it and be done with it.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒtʃ/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /biː/ /dʌn/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

Are you as terrified as I am?

/juː/

I don't want to get slapped again.

/wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /əˈɡɛn/

I want to stress that I was young.

/wɒnt/ /strɛs/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /jʌŋ/

Yeah, you were.

/juː/ /wɜːr/

And I didn't know any better.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

They never do.

/ðeɪ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/

And it started out as an innocent modeling job.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ˈɪnəsənt/ /dʒɒb/

It always does.

/ɪt/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /dʌz/

Please, Mr. Johnson.

/pliːz/

I'm sorry I was a bad girl.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɒz/ /bæd/ /ɡɜːrl/

Please don't give me detention.

/pliːz/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/

Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you?

/ðɛr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /kæn/ /duː/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /juː/

Oh, my God. Oh, my God

/maɪ/ /maɪ/

Well, obviously, I've been proven right,

/wɛl/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /raɪt/

so in the interest of Robin's dignity,

I won't show anymore.

/ʃoʊ/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Plus, it's getting late. It's already slap o'clock.

/plʌs/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /leɪt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

What the hell was that?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/

Uh, I slap bet Marshall that you did porn, so I win.

/bɛt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /wɪn/

Porn? I wish it was porn. It would be less embarrassing.

/wɪʃ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /lɛs/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

I know.

/noʊ/

How about I sing you a song?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /sɪŋ/ /juː/ /sɒŋ/

Let's go to the mall, everybody!

/ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/

I was a teenage pop star in Canada.

/wɒz/ /pɒp/ /stɑːr/ /ˈkænədə/

# Put on your jelly bracelets #

/pʊt/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/

# And your cool graffiti coat #

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /kuːl/ /koʊt/

# At the mall, having fun #

/mɔːl/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /fʌn/

# Is what it's all about #

/ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/

This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

/ɪz/ /moʊst/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈɛv.ər/

- That's you? - Yes.

/juː/

I had one minor hit.

/hæd/

I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls.

/hæd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈkænədə/ /ænd/ /sɪŋ/ /sɒŋ/

For a whole year, I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.

/fɔːr/ /hoʊl/ /jɪr/ /ɒf/ /ˈɒrɪndʒ/ /ænd/

# Everybody come and play #

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /kʌm/ /ænd/ /pleɪ/

# Throw every last care away #

/θroʊ/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /læst/ /kɛr/ /əˈweɪ/

# Let's go to the mall #

/ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/

# Today #

/təˈdeɪ/

If this is the '90s, why does it look like 1986?

/ɪf/ /ɪz/ /waɪ/ /dʌz/ /ɪt/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/

The '80s didn't come to Canada till, like, '93.

/kʌm/ /ˈkænədə/ /laɪk/

Taking a break from the first of many, many viewings,

/breɪk/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈmɛn.i/

I can't help but notice that this isn't porn.

/hɛlp/ /bʌt/ /ˈnoʊtɪs/ /ðæt/

And yet, a slap occurred without the permission

/ænd/ /jɛt/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

of the Slap Bet Commissioner.

/bɛt/

Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation.

/laɪk/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/

Oh, my God, Robin's rapping.

/maɪ/

Guys, Robin's rapping.

/ɡaɪz/

# Went to the mall with # # a couple of friends #

/wɛnt/ /mɔːl/ /wɪð/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /frɛndz/

# I had a whole week's # # allowance to spend #

/hæd/ /hoʊl/ /spɛnd/

Okay, I'm going to give you a choice.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /tʃɔɪs/

Either ten slaps right now in a row,

/ˈiː.ðər/ /tɛn/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /roʊ/

or five slaps that can be doled out

/faɪv/ /ðæt/ /kæn/ /biː/ /aʊt/

at any point from here to eternity.

/ˈɛn.i/ /pɔɪnt/ /hɪr/

You go with the ten now.

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /tɛn/ /naʊ/

No way, why get ten when you can get five?

/noʊ/ /weɪ/ /waɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /tɛn/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /faɪv/

Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment,

/bʌt/ /fɪər/ /ðæt/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

you could get slapped in the face, would drive you crazy.

/juː/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /feɪs/ /wʊd/ /draɪv/ /juː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I'm going to go with the five for eternity.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /faɪv/ /fɔːr/

- Good call. - Horrible call.

/ɡʊd/ /kɔːl/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/ /kɔːl/

Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man.

/rɪˈlæks/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /mæn/

Take it easy.

/teɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈiː.zi/

This is going to be fun.

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /fʌn/

# Let's go to the mall #

/ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/

# Let's go to the mall #

/ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/

# Today #

/təˈdeɪ/

So just to be clear,

/dʒʌst/ /biː/ /klɪər/

you wanted everybody to go to the mall today?

/juː/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/ /təˈdeɪ/

Wow, we're going to watch this a lot.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɒtʃ/ /lɒt/

I can't believe I ever wore a Bedazzled jean jacket.