Season 2 · Tập 11

Kids, as you know, Christmas is a time you spend with your family.

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /ɪz/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /spɛnd/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

So in December of 2006, I had three options.

/hæd/ /θriː/ /ˈɒpʃənz/

Spend it with my mom and her new boyfriend Clint,

/spɛnd/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /ænd/ /hɜːr/ /njuː/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

spend it with my dad and his new girlfriend micro-brewing,

/spɛnd/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /ænd/ /hɪz/ /njuː/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

or head down to Staten Island to spend it

/hɛd/ /daʊn/ /ˈaɪlənd/ /spɛnd/ /ɪt/

with my super religious cousin Stacy and her family.

/wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈsuːpər/ /rɪˈlɪdʒəs/ /ˈkʌzɪn/ /ænd/ /hɜːr/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

So I opted for none of the above

/fɔːr/ /nʌn/

and decided to spend Christmas 2006 in Manhattan...

/ænd/ /spɛnd/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

celebrating with my other family.

/wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

Okay, I have one last paper due at 5:00 p.m. today,

/hæv/ /læst/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/ /təˈdeɪ/

so until then, I will be at the law library at school,

/ənˈtɪl/ /ðɛn/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /lɔː/ /ˈlaɪbrɛri/ /skuːl/

but I'm not to be disturbed for any reason.

/bʌt/ /biː/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈriːzən/

Dude, open your eyes. You're going to hurt yourself.

/ˈoʊ.pən/ /jʊr/ /aɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hɜːrt/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

No, no. Christmas Eve winter wonderland is my reward

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /ˈwɪntər/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/

for finishing my paper.

/fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/

Baby, do I smell your Sinfully Cinnamon Cookies?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /duː/ /smɛl/ /jʊr/ /ˈkʊkiz/

Yes.

Damn me and my heightened other senses.

/miː/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Must be strong.

/mʌst/ /biː/ /strɒŋ/

Okay, I'll be back here at 5:00.

/biː/ /bæk/ /hɪr/

Save me at least 20 cookies and do not clean the bowl.

/seɪv/ /miː/ /liːst/ /ˈkʊkiz/ /ænd/ /duː/ /kliːn/ /boʊl/

Was that a reindeer?

/wɒz/ /ðæt/

I don't want to know!

/wɒnt/ /noʊ/

Hey, look. Our old answering machine.

/lʊk/ /aʊər/ /oʊld/ /məˈʃiːn/

Oh, yeah. After you left, we, uh, we unplugged it

/ˈæf.tər/ /juː/ /lɛft/ /wiː/ /wiː/ /ɪt/

because it reminded Marshall of how you used to, you know, leave messages.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪt/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /liːv/

But hey, you guys are back together.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

I say we're plugging it back in.

/seɪ/ /ɪt/ /bæk/

It's good to have you back.

/ɡʊd/ /hæv/ /juː/ /bæk/

Thanks.

Oh, hey, look, there's still some messages on here.

/lʊk/ /sʌm/ /ɒn/ /hɪr/

Hey Ted, it's Dad calling to check in.

/dæd/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /tʃɛk/

I'm going fishing this weekend with my friend Clint,

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈfɪʃɪŋ/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/

so if I don't hear from you beforehand, I'll talk to you next week.

/ɪf/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /tɔːk/ /juː/ /nɛkst/ /wiːk/

Yes, same Clint.

/seɪm/

Hey, Marshall. Are you lying on the couch right now moping about Lily?

/juː/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /kaʊtʃ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

You are, aren't you?

/juː/ /juː/

Well, stop it. She's not worth it.

/wɛl/ /stɒp/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrθ/ /ɪt/

You gotta get over that Grinch.

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðæt/

But I didn't say "Grinch."

/bʌt/ /seɪ/

I said a bad word.

/sɛd/ /bæd/ /wɜːrd/

A very, very bad word.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /bæd/ /wɜːrd/

Oh, fudge.

But I didn't say fudge.

/bʌt/ /seɪ/

I'm... a what?

/wɒt/

I-- That was Barney, that was Barney.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/

- That was you, Ted. - That was Marshall.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/

Marshall left a message for Marshall?

/lɛft/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/ /fɔːr/

You know, it may have been me, but it was so long ago.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /meɪ/ /hæv/ /miː/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /lɔːŋ/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Man, that machine, it really garbles your voice.

/mæn/ /ðæt/ /məˈʃiːn/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /jʊr/ /vɔɪs/

You know, it almost made it sound like I said...

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /ɪt/ /saʊnd/ /laɪk/ /sɛd/

Why would you call me that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /kɔːl/ /miː/ /ðæt/

It was a fair question.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /fɛr/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

Marshall's breakup with Lily had sent him into a deep depression

/ˈbreɪkʌp/ /wɪð/ /hæd/ /sɛnt/ /hɪm/ /diːp/

and nothing could get him out of it.

/ænd/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪm/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/

Until one day...

/ənˈtɪl/ /deɪ/

She was perfect.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

I lost the perfect woman.

/lɒst/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

I should have knocked her up when I had the chance.

/ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /hɜːr/ /ʌp/ /wɛn/ /hæd/ /tʃæns/

Okay. That's it.

/ɪt/

You're never going to get over her until you stop putting her on a pedestal.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɜːr/ /ənˈtɪl/ /juː/ /stɒp/ /hɜːr/ /ɒn/

So no more ice cream until you tell me one thing that's wrong with Lily.

/noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /aɪs/ /kriːm/ /ənˈtɪl/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /θɪŋ/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/

There's only one of her?

/ˈoʊnli/ /hɜːr/

Okay.

She called off your wedding

/ʃiː/ /ɒf/ /jʊr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

and dumped you to be a painter in San Francisco.

/ænd/ /dʌmpt/ /juː/ /biː/ /frænˈsɪskoʊ/

What do you call that?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /kɔːl/ /ðæt/

Fiercely independent?

/ˌɪndɪˈpɛndənt/

Brave?

/breɪv/

I guess it was a little selfish.

/ɡɛs/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈsɛlfɪʃ/

There you go.

/ðɛr/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

And in almost no time, that spark turned into a roaring fire.

/ænd/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /noʊ/ /taɪm/ /ðæt/ /faɪər/

Yeah. No, you're right. Lily would laugh at anything.

/noʊ/ /raɪt/ /wʊd/ /læf/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

She'd give it up for a bad pun.

/ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /bæd/

I'm telling you, she's a laugh slut.

/juː/ /læf/

Remember that time we heard her laughing

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/ /wiː/ /hɜːrd/ /hɜːr/

and we thought she was watching Weekend At Bernie's,

/ænd/ /wiː/ /θɔːt/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

but it turned out she was watching Weekend At Bernie's 2?

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

And her art?

/ænd/ /hɜːr/ /ɑːrt/

"I'm Lily, I'm an artist."

/ˈɑːrtɪst/

She doesn't even own a beret.

/ʃiː/ /ˈiːvən/ /oʊn/

Yeah, and if she's such a great "artist,"

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /sʌtʃ/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈɑːrtɪst/

why does she suck at Pictionary?

/waɪ/ /dʌz/ /ʃiː/

Who draws a ninja star like a Star of David? Right, right?

/huː/ /stɑːr/ /laɪk/ /stɑːr/ /raɪt/ /raɪt/

Yeah! Yeah!

- Another round! - Yeah!

/əˈnʌðər/ /raʊnd/

I was trying to help him. I'm his best friend.

/wɒz/ /hɛlp/ /hɪm/ /hɪz/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/

That's the best friend's job.

/bɛst/ /dʒɒb/

The best friend's job is to call me that word?

/bɛst/ /dʒɒb/ /ɪz/ /kɔːl/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrd/

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted.

Oh, Teddy boy. Oh, Teddy boy

/ˈtɛdi/ /bɔɪ/ /ˈtɛdi/ /bɔɪ/

Why is this such a big deal? It's just a word.

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /sʌtʃ/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/ /dʒʌst/ /wɜːrd/

We use lots of words, every day.

/wiː/ /juːz/ /wɜːrdz/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /deɪ/

It shouldn't be any different than any other word.

/ɪt/ /biː/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /wɜːrd/

Then why don't you say it now?

/ðɛn/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /naʊ/

Grinch.

You timed that didn't you?

/juː/ /ðæt/ /juː/

Perfectly.

Well, at least you apologized.

/wɛl/ /liːst/ /juː/

You apologized, didn't you?

/juː/ /juː/

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

"I'm sorry" were the first words out of my mouth.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɜːr/ /fɜːrst/ /wɜːrdz/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /maʊθ/

I'm sorry, but I am not apologizing.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/

I was just trying to put the guy back together.

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /pʊt/ /ɡaɪ/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

You smashed him to pieces.

/juː/ /hɪm/

Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?

/juː/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/

- No! - Why not?

/noʊ/ /waɪ/

Because, Lily, this summer, you were kind of a Grinch.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈsʌmər/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /kaɪnd/

- Oooh. - Oooh. - Oooh. - Oooh.

Oh, you'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.

/biː/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Ted Vivian Mosby! Ted Vivian Mosby!

That's not my middle name.

/maɪ/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /neɪm/

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

/juː/ /kɪs/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /maʊθ/

Like you've never said that word.

/laɪk/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrd/

I don't kiss your mother with my mouth.

/kɪs/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /maʊθ/

Yet.

/jɛt/

Are you sick?

/juː/ /sɪk/

Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /sɪk/ /faɪnd/ /ænd/ /ɪkˈspɪəriəns/

No, I meant do you have a cold?

/noʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /koʊld/

I'm fine.

/faɪn/

I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome

/faɪn/ /maɪ/ /noʊz/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /wɪð/ /ˈɔːsəm/

and I had to get some of it out.

/ænd/ /hæd/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

Now, if you'll excuse me, the holidays are a time

/naʊ/ /ɪf/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /taɪm/

when people are lonely and desperate.

/wɛn/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈloʊnli/ /ænd/

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

/moʊst/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/ /taɪm/ /jɪr/

I should go apologize. It's Christmas Eve.

/ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

Yeah. I mean, slamming doors and screaming curses?

/miːn/ /ænd/ /ˈskriːmɪŋ/

If I wanted that, I would have gone home for the holidays.

/ɪf/ /ðæt/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /ɡɔːn/ /hoʊm/ /fɔːr/

I don't see any mistletoe, but...

/siː/ /ˈɛn.i/ /bʌt/

Oh! Oh, God!

Uh... "Bless you" would have been nice.

/juː/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /naɪs/

- You're sick. - I'm not sick.

/sɪk/ /sɪk/

- You're sick. - You know what? I am sick.

/sɪk/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /sɪk/

Sick of you telling me I'm sick. What up?

/sɪk/ /juː/ /miː/ /sɪk/ /wɒt/ /ʌp/

Ahh... Three flights of stairs, not a drop spilled.

/θriː/ /drɒp/

Hey, buddy.

/ˈbʌdi/

You sure this is gonna work?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrk/

Yeah, this is our thing.

/ɪz/ /aʊər/ /θɪŋ/

In college, whenever I wanted to make up with her, I'd buy her a beer.

/ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /baɪ/ /hɜːr/ /bɪər/

- Cute, right? - Totally.

/kjuːt/ /raɪt/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

Plus free mug.

/plʌs/ /friː/

Okay, come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Usually that would've done the trick,

/ˈjuː.ʒu.ə.li/ /ðæt/ /dʌn/

but it turned out this was a problem not even alcohol could solve.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /ˈiːvən/ /kʊd/ /sɒlv/

Actually the beer helped a little.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /bɪər/ /hɛlpt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

She took the decorations.

/ʃiː/ /tʊk/

She took the decorations!

/ʃiː/ /tʊk/

What a Grinch!

/wɒt/

That time I did say "Grinch."

/ðæt/ /taɪm/ /dɪd/ /seɪ/

All right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

I guess I have to call her, right?

/ɡɛs/ /hæv/ /kɔːl/ /hɜːr/ /raɪt/

Lily's cell phone.

/foʊn/

She'll listen to reason-- right?

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /ˈriːzən/ /raɪt/

Oh, hey, Billy.

Actually, funny thing-- the voice dial got you.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /θɪŋ/ /vɔɪs/ /juː/

I was trying to call...

/wɒz/ /kɔːl/

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hɪr/ /ðæt/

Yeah, the holidays are a rough time for everyone, Billy.

/rʌf/ /taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Okay, yeah, dinner next Wednesday.

/ˈdɪn.ər/ /nɛkst/

Okay.

Damn voice dial.

/vɔɪs/

Barney! What the hell are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

Get in here, it's freezing outside. Are you insane?

/ɡɛt/ /hɪr/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /juː/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

Hey, blame Lily and her oppressive "no cigars in the apartment rule."

/bleɪm/ /ænd/ /hɜːr/ /noʊ/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ruːl/

God, it's like Marshall's marrying the Taliban.

/laɪk/ /ˈmæriɪŋ/

High five.

/haɪ/ /faɪv/

Eww. No.

/noʊ/

You have to go home and get to bed.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /bɛd/

Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north,

/maɪ/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/ /frɛnd/ /nɔːrθ/

let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /θɪŋ/ /laɪk/ /kɔːl/ /maɪnd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈbɒdi/

You see, whenever I start feeling sick,

/juː/ /siː/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /sɪk/

I just stop being sick and be awesome instead.

/dʒʌst/ /stɒp/ /sɪk/ /ænd/ /biː/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /ɪnˈstɛd/

True story.

/truː/ /ˈstɔːri/

Yeah, in two minutes,

/tuː/

I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab,

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /rɛd/ /kæb/

play a couple of hours of laser tag,

/pleɪ/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /ˈaʊərz/ /ˈleɪzər/

maybe get a spray-on tan.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ɡɛt/

It's gonna be legen...

/biː/

Wait for it...

/weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

Lily! Lily!

Merry Christmas, assface.

/ˈkrɪsməs/

Um, Lily? Where are the Christmas decorations?

/wɛr/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

At my apartment.

/maɪ/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

You want to bring them back so we can celebrate Christmas together-- please?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /brɪŋ/ /ðɛm/ /bæk/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /pliːz/

Ted, do you know what I would do

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wʊd/ /duː/

if one of my kindergartners used that kind of language?

/ɪf/ /maɪ/ /ðæt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈlæŋ.ɡwɪdʒ/

I would be on the phone with their parents.

/wʊd/ /biː/ /ɒn/ /foʊn/ /wɪð/ /ðɛr/ /ˈpɛərənts/

Yeah, I'm not a kindergartner.

Exactly. You know what that word means.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrd/

You know that calling people names is mean and hurtful...

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ɪz/ /miːn/ /ænd/

assface.

Lily, if you don't bring that stuff back right now, we...

/ɪf/ /juː/ /brɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/ /bæk/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /wiː/

She hung up.

/ʃiː/ /ʌp/

She's just mad. She'll cool down.

/dʒʌst/ /mæd/ /kuːl/ /daʊn/

Lily... Lily..

Don't forget to take the cookies out of the oven...

/fərˈɡɛt/ /teɪk/ /ˈkʊkiz/ /aʊt/ /ˈʌvən/

assface!

Damn it!

/ɪt/

I could be in Cleveland right now making peppermint lager with my dad.

/kʊd/ /biː/ /ˈkliːvlənd/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /dæd/

Where are you going?

/wɛr/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Marshall gets home in three hours.

/ɡɛts/ /hoʊm/ /θriː/ /ˈaʊərz/

He's gonna show up-- no Lily, no winter wonderland.

/ʃoʊ/ /ʌp/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ˈwɪntər/

I gotta get up to the Bronx.

/ɡɛt/ /ʌp/

...dary.

Hey, dude, how's the paper going?

/ˈpeɪ.pər/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Screw the paper, how's the winter wonderland? Is it magical?

/skruː/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/ /ˈwɪntər/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Oh... so magical.

When you walk through the door, does it feel like

/wɛn/ /juː/ /wɔːk/ /θruː/ /dɔːr/ /dʌz/ /ɪt/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/

you've been slapped in the face by Christmas?

/feɪs/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

Sure does. Look, I gotta go.

/ʃʊr/ /dʌz/ /lʊk/ /ɡoʊ/

Come on, man, describe it! Tell me about the decorations.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /mæn/ /dɪˈskraɪb/ /ɪt/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Is Rudolph there? He is, isn't he?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /hiː/

Hi, Rudolph!

Ah, yeah, but, you know...

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/

decorations, is that really what Christmas is about?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒt/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/

Hell, yeah! What else would it be about?

/wɒt/ /ɛls/ /wʊd/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Uh, try the birth of Christ.

/traɪ/

You know, Christmas-- Christ Mas,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

which means "More Christ" to our Spanish friends.

/wɪtʃ/ /mɔːr/ /aʊər/ /frɛndz/

Yeah, well, all I know is walking in that door

/wɛl/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /dɔːr/

and seeing the winter wonderland and seeing Lily and all you guys,

/ænd/ /ˈwɪntər/ /ænd/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

just... I can't wait.

/dʒʌst/ /weɪt/

Right. I gotta go.

/raɪt/ /ɡoʊ/

Right. Okay.

/raɪt/

Oh, wait. Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. One more thing.

/weɪt/ /mɔːr/ /θɪŋ/

How about the cookies? Are they delicious?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈkʊkiz/ /ðeɪ/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/

You know, honestly, they taste a little store-bought.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɒnɪstli/ /ðeɪ/ /teɪst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Oh! I got another call.

/əˈnʌðər/ /kɔːl/

Well, tell Lily I love her.

/wɛl/ /tɛl/ /lʌv/ /hɜːr/

Right.

/raɪt/

- Hello? - Ted Evelyn Mosby!

Oh. Uh, hey, Mom. Merry Christmas.

/mɒm/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

I just got the most disturbing call from Lily.

/dʒʌst/ /moʊst/ /kɔːl/

How could you use such a horrible word?

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /juːz/ /sʌtʃ/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/ /wɜːrd/

Oh, God, she called you?

/ʃiː/ /juː/

Are you acting out because of the divorce?

/juː/ /ˈæktɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /dɪˈvɔːrs/

Is-is this all about Clint?

/ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/

No, Mom, why would it be about Clint?

/noʊ/ /mɒm/ /waɪ/ /wʊd/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Hey, buddy, it's Clint. How you doing, champ?

/ˈbʌdi/ /haʊ/ /juː/

Hey, Clint. Listen, um, I don't really have time to...

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hæv/ /taɪm/

Hey, hey, no, no, no. Ted, Ted. Hey, hey, no,no,noTed, Ted.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

You don't know this yet,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /jɛt/

but you and I are going to be great friends.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /ɡreɪt/ /frɛndz/

Now, the Native Americans have this ritual...

/naʊ/ /hæv/

This is a low moment for the Barnacle.

/ɪz/ /loʊ/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /fɔːr/

I should be off playing laser tag right now,

/ʃʊd/ /biː/ /ɒf/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /ˈleɪzər/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

but instead...

/bʌt/ /ɪnˈstɛd/

Don't look at me. I'm hideous.

/lʊk/ /miː/

You just look like a regular guy.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/ /ˈrɛɡ.jə.lər/ /ɡaɪ/

Exactly.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

I'm a Ted. I'm wearing elastic-waist fleece pants.

/pænts/

And isn't it more comfy?

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /mɔːr/

Yes. Yes

Come on, you need eat something.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /niːd/ /iːt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Too weak... to hold... bowl.

/hoʊld/ /boʊl/

Fine, I'll feed you.

/faɪn/ /fiːd/ /juː/

Ouchie in my mouth!

/maɪ/ /maʊθ/

I don't want it. I want ice cream.

/wɒnt/ /ɪt/ /wɒnt/ /aɪs/ /kriːm/

No, you're not having ice cream for dinner just 'cause you're sick.

/noʊ/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /aɪs/ /kriːm/ /fɔːr/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /dʒʌst/ /kɔːz/ /sɪk/

- But my throat hurts. - No.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /hɜːrts/ /noʊ/

I hate you!

/heɪt/ /juː/

Don't leave me.

/liːv/ /miː/

Who is it?

/huː/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Pizza delivery.

Whoa.

Hey, you tricked me.

/juː/ /miː/

You really thought I was the pizza delivery guy?

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɔːt/ /wɒz/ /ɡaɪ/

No, I knew it was you.

/noʊ/ /njuː/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /juː/

I just thought you'd at least bring a pizza.

/dʒʌst/ /θɔːt/ /liːst/ /brɪŋ/

Yeah, well,

/wɛl/

I brought a beer, but I gave it to a homeless guy.

/bɪər/ /bʌt/ /ɡeɪv/ /ɪt/ /ɡaɪ/

All right, he took it from me.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /hiː/ /tʊk/ /ɪt/ /miː/

Now, will you please come home?

/naʊ/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /pliːz/ /kʌm/ /hoʊm/

No, I'm not spending Christmas with you.

/noʊ/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Okay, I'm sorry for calling you a...

/ˈsɒr.i/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /juː/

that word,

/ðæt/ /wɜːrd/

over the summer,

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈsʌmər/

and for saying it again today.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /təˈdeɪ/

And for thinking it a lot on the subway ride over.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /lɒt/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌbweɪ/ /raɪd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

I had no right to say that. It was hurtful and immature and I'm sorry.

/hæd/ /noʊ/ /raɪt/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ænd/ /ænd/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Oh, shut up.

/ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? Huh?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /noʊ/ /jʊr/ /feɪk/ /naʊ/

You're clearly still mad at me.

/ˈklɪərli/ /mæd/ /miː/

- I'm not mad at you. - Yes, you are.

/mæd/ /juː/ /juː/

I am not mad at you, Lily. Now, can we please just...

/mæd/ /juː/ /naʊ/ /kæn/ /wiː/ /pliːz/ /dʒʌst/

I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me

/ænd/ /miː/

and we've moved passed it. Why can't you?

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /waɪ/ /juː/

Because you never apologized to me.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /miː/

Marshall's not the only one you walked out on.

/ˈoʊnli/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/

You leave for three months, you don't even call.

/juː/ /liːv/ /fɔːr/ /θriː/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /kɔːl/

Come on, Lily, we're supposed to be friends!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /frɛndz/

Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch.

/sʌm/ /frɛnd/ /juː/ /miː/

- You were a Grinch! - How can you...

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/

Grinchy, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch. Grinchy, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch.

Happy?

/ˈhæp.i/

Now, you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.

/naʊ/ /ɒf/ /bɪɡ/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/

Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I...

/ʃʊr/ /kɛrz/ /ɪf/

You use that language again and I'll turn off your water!

/juː/ /juːz/ /ðæt/ /ˈlæŋ.ɡwɪdʒ/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ænd/ /tɜːrn/ /ɒf/ /jʊr/ /ˈwɔː.tər/

That's my super. He lives above me.

/maɪ/ /ˈsuːpər/ /hiː/ /miː/

Great. Thanks to your filthy mouth,

/ɡreɪt/ /jʊr/ /maʊθ/

now I'm going to have Christmas alone in the dark.

/naʊ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hæv/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /əˈloʊn/ /dɑːrk/

Fine. I don't want to ruin Christmas.

/faɪn/ /wɒnt/ /ˈruːɪn/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

You can have the apartment. Don't worry about seeing me there

/juː/ /kæn/ /hæv/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/ /ðɛr/

I'll be in Staten Island with my cousin Stacy.

/biː/ /ˈaɪlənd/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈkʌzɪn/

Just....

/dʒʌst/

Ow. Ow.

Merry Christmas.

/ˈkrɪsməs/

You're spending Christmas Eve with your family?

/ˈkrɪsməs/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

Baby, that sucks. I'm so sorry.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ðæt/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Uh, they're fine. They're just... they're a little weird.

/faɪn/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

You know they don't believe in gifts or Christmas trees.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

And they think Santa's how Satan spells his name

/ænd/ /ðeɪ/ /θɪŋk/ /haʊ/ /hɪz/ /neɪm/

when he wants to trick us.

/wɛn/ /hiː/ /ʌs/

Well, do you want me to go with you?

/wɛl/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Was that a sincere offer?

/wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ˈɒfər/

First tell me your answer.

/fɜːrst/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /jʊr/ /ˈæn.sər/

Stay there. Save yourself.

/steɪ/ /ðɛr/ /seɪv/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

We'll spend all day together tomorrow.

/spɛnd/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Okay.

Oh, how's Barney feeling?

/ˈfiːlɪŋ/

You mean the whiney bottomless pit of neediness?

/juː/ /miːn/

He was bugging me, so I spiked his echinacea tea with codeine.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /miː/ /hɪz/ /wɪð/

You're gonna be a great mom.

/biː/ /ɡreɪt/ /mɒm/

Holy crap, the magical Christmas season is upon us.

/ˈkrɪsməs/ /ɪz/ /ʌs/

And thank God we don't pay for utilities.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /peɪ/ /fɔːr/

Merry Christmas!

/ˈkrɪsməs/

What's in the box?

/bɒks/

Only the best present for the best girl ever.

/ˈoʊnli/ /bɛst/ /ˈprɛz.ənt/ /fɔːr/ /bɛst/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈɛv.ər/

It took me all day to track it down.

/ɪt/ /tʊk/ /miː/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/ /ɪt/ /daʊn/

I thought you were writing a paper.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈraɪtɪŋ/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/

Ah, naw, I blew that off. I'll get an extension.

/ðæt/ /ɒf/ /ɡɛt/

School's not important.

/ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

What is that pitter patter on the roof?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ɒn/ /ruːf/

Could it be the sound of an awesome Christmas story

/kʊd/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /saʊnd/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /ˈstɔːri/

about to come down the chimney?

/əˈbaʊt/ /kʌm/ /daʊn/

Why, yes, it is.

/waɪ/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

'Twas the day before Christmas...

/deɪ/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

It was supposed to arrive, like, five days ago,

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /əˈraɪv/ /laɪk/ /faɪv/ /əˈɡoʊ/

but then it got lost and rerouted.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /lɒst/ /ænd/

I checked two other branches, finally they told me it was here.

/tuː/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /ðeɪ/ /toʊld/ /miː/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /hɪr/

Yeah, all I needed to know was the tracking number.

/ɔːl/ /noʊ/ /wɒz/ /ˈnʌmbər/

Looks like it's headed out to our regional branch in Poughkeepsie.

/laɪk/ /ˈhɛdɪd/ /aʊt/ /aʊər/

What? What ? @@

/wɒt/ /wɒt/

No, no, no, no, I need that package today.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /niːd/ /ðæt/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/ /təˈdeɪ/

Listen, the truck already left five minutes ago,

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /trʌk/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /lɛft/ /faɪv/ /əˈɡoʊ/

so unless you want to run after it...

/ənˈlɛs/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /rʌn/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɪt/

Stop! Stop!

/stɒp/ /stɒp/

Stop, please, stop.

/stɒp/ /pliːz/ /stɒp/

Stop. Stop the truck.

/stɒp/ /stɒp/ /trʌk/

I need a package on your truck. Can I please take a look in back?

/niːd/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /trʌk/ /kæn/ /pliːz/ /teɪk/ /lʊk/ /bæk/

Sure. But I gotta keep driving my route.

/ʃʊr/ /bʌt/ /kiːp/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /ruːt/

I'm running behind.

/ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/

My bad.

/maɪ/ /bæd/

I'm okay.

Hey, man, thanks for helping me make my fiancée's Christmas.

/mæn/ /fɔːr/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /miː/ /meɪk/ /maɪ/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

No problem.

/noʊ/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Too bad I can't deliver all these packages by the end of the day.

/bæd/ /dɪˈlɪvər/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /ɛnd/ /deɪ/

Wait, so some people aren't going to get their gifts in time for Christmas?

/weɪt/ /sʌm/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛr/ /taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

Sadly, no.

/noʊ/

# They call me back door Santa #

/ðeɪ/ /kɔːl/ /miː/ /bæk/ /dɔːr/

# I make my runs # # about the break of day #

/meɪk/ /maɪ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /breɪk/ /deɪ/

# They call me back door Santa #

/ðeɪ/ /kɔːl/ /miː/ /bæk/ /dɔːr/

# I make my runs # # about the break of day #

/meɪk/ /maɪ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /breɪk/ /deɪ/

# Oh, ho, ho #

# I make all # # the little girls happy... #

/meɪk/ /ɔːl/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈhæp.i/

We delivered every single package on that truck.

/wiː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /trʌk/

But I still have one package left to give.

/bʌt/ /hæv/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/ /lɛft/ /ɡɪv/

Yeah, I did.

/dɪd/

Merry Christmas.

/ˈkrɪsməs/

- Open it, Baby. - Okay.

/ˈoʊ.pən/ /ɪt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

An Easy Bake Oven!

/ˈiː.zi/ /ˈʌvən/

I've wanted one of these ever since I was a little girl.

/ðiːz/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡɜːrl/

In this exact model.

/ˈmɒdəl/

I never told you that. How did you know?

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /toʊld/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /haʊ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/

It's our first Christmas since we got back together.

/aʊər/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /sɪns/ /wiː/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

I want to get her something really special.

/wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈspɛʃəl/

So I'm getting her a jukebox.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

Wow, that's a great gift.

/ɡreɪt/ /ɡɪft/

Not really. It's this big and it dispenses gum.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bɪɡ/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /ɡʌm/

Oh, man, I know something you could get her

/mæn/ /noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/

that would blow her mind.

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /hɜːr/ /maɪnd/

Ready?

/ˈrɛd.i/

Eight years ago...

/eɪt/ /əˈɡoʊ/

When I was a kid, all I wanted was an Easy Bake Oven.

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /kɪd/ /ɔːl/ /wɒz/ /ˈiː.zi/ /ˈʌvən/

I begged and I begged,

/ænd/

but all I got was a stupid Lego set because my feminist mom

/bʌt/ /ɔːl/ /wɒz/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /sɛt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/

didn't want me conforming to traditional gender roles.

/wɒnt/ /miː/ /trəˈdɪʃənəl/

Easy Bake Oven-- that's what I'm going to call my van.

/ˈiː.zi/ /ˈʌvən/ /wɒt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /kɔːl/ /maɪ/ /væn/

Dude... how was the concert?

/haʊ/ /wɒz/ /ˈkɒnsərt/

I couldn't find the outside.

/faɪnd/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

I can't believe Ted remembered after all these years.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/

Yeah, and after all that weed.

/ænd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/

Where is he anyway?

/wɛr/ /ɪz/ /hiː/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

Staten Island. Staten Island.

/ˈaɪlənd/ /ˈaɪlənd/

Why?

/waɪ/

Okay, don't tell your mom, but I got you guys some presents.

/tɛl/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /sʌm/

Like the gift of God's love?

/laɪk/ /ɡɪft/ /lʌv/

No, dude, real presents.

/noʊ/ /riːl/

Uncle Ted got us presents!

/ˈʌŋkəl/ /ʌs/

That's okay, Ted, we'll just give them to charity.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /ðɛm/

Yay!

/jeɪ/

Uh, not you, Charity.

/juː/

I meant the less fortunate.

/lɛs/

Ted, how would you like to say grace tonight?

/haʊ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /seɪ/ /təˈnaɪt/

Uh, you know what, why don't you say it.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/

I really wouldn't know what to say.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /seɪ/

Why don't you recite your favorite passage of scripture.

/waɪ/ /juː/ /jʊr/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/

That's a great idea, Charity.

/ɡreɪt/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

But, really, I don't know.

/bʌt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /noʊ/

I mean how do you choose your favorite passage?

/miːn/ /haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /tʃuːz/ /jʊr/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/

It's the Bible; there's so many... great ones...

/ˈmɛn.i/ /ɡreɪt/

That one from Pulp Fiction's pretty cool.

/ðæt/ /ˈprɪti/ /kuːl/

Ooh, I'll get it. Charity, I'm tapping you in.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /juː/

Dear, Father, thank you for this day,

/dɪər/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /deɪ/

and thank you for bringing this family together.

/ænd/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbrɪŋɪŋ/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Amen. Amen.

Who is it, Ted?

/huː/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Uh, it's... it's just, um, carolers.

/dʒʌst/

# Silent night #

/naɪt/

# Holy night... #

/naɪt/

I came here to apologize.

/hɪr/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/

I'm so sorry, Ted.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I accept. Give me the beer.

/əkˈsɛpt/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /bɪər/

Oh, oh, it is so good to see you guys.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɡʊd/ /siː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Are you coming home?

/juː/ /hoʊm/

Totally.

/ˈtoʊtəli/

But first, Lily, I owe you an apology.

/bʌt/ /fɜːrst/ /juː/

Oh, for the love of God, are you as sick of apologies as I am?

/fɔːr/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /sɪk/

Yes! Yes !

Can we just skip the apology and go straight to the forgiving?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /skɪp/ /ænd/ /ɡoʊ/ /streɪt/

Yes.

And I promise, I will never ever call you a... you know, again.

/ænd/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /kɔːl/ /juː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /əˈɡɛn/

That's okay.

I was kind of a Grinch.

/wɒz/ /kaɪnd/

What's a Grinch?

Nothing. It's something you shouldn't say.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Mom, what's a Grinch?

/mɒm/

Grinch, Grinch, Grinch... Grinch, Grinch, Grinch ...

Merry Christmas, everybody.

/ˈkrɪsməs/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/

Run, run.

/rʌn/ /rʌn/

Merry Christmas, Marshall.

/ˈkrɪsməs/