Season 2 · Tập 16

Kids, the key to a good relationship is communication.

/kɪdz/ /kiː/ /ɡʊd/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /ɪz/

- You need to talk. - How about Mimi's?

/juː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/ /haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Nah, I don't really feel like Mimi's.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/

Well, I'm hungry. Let's just pick a place and go.

/wɛl/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/ /dʒʌst/ /pɪk/ /pleɪs/ /ænd/ /ɡoʊ/

Oh, you know where we should go? Cynthia's.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛr/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/

You love that place-- remember what a great time we had

/juː/ /lʌv/ /ðæt/ /pleɪs/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɒt/ /ɡreɪt/ /taɪm/ /wiː/ /hæd/

the last time we were there?

/læst/ /taɪm/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ðɛr/

- We did? - Yeah, yeah.

/wiː/ /dɪd/

We had that crazy waiter who kept going, "You two should get married!

/wiː/ /hæd/ /ðæt/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ˈweɪtər/ /huː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /juː/ /tuː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

You two should get married!"

/juː/ /tuː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

It's also important to know when to stop talking.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /noʊ/ /wɛn/ /stɒp/

Come on. Then we stepped outside. It was raining.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ðɛn/ /wiː/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

It was so romantic?

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

How can you not remember this?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

Because it wasn't me.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪt/ /miː/

Oh, right!

/raɪt/

It was...

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

my sister.

/maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

You see, by the time you've hit your late 20s,

/juː/ /siː/ /taɪm/ /jʊr/ /leɪt/

you've dated a few people,

/ˈdeɪtɪd/ /fjuː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

but when you're in a relationship, it's common courtesy to pretend

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /ˈkɒmən/

that you haven't.

/ðæt/ /juː/

Oh, my God, Van Helsing is on.

/maɪ/ /væn/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/

Remember when we went to see it?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /wɛnt/ /siː/ /ɪt/

We sat in the back row.

/wiː/ /sæt/ /bæk/ /roʊ/

I've never seen Van Helsing.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /væn/

That's right. I saw it with my sister.

/raɪt/ /sɔː/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

My boss just got back from Maui.

/maɪ/ /bɔːs/ /dʒʌst/ /bæk/

He said it was really romantic.

/hiː/ /sɛd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

Oh, it's so romantic.

/roʊˈmæntɪk/

When were you in Maui?

/wɛn/ /wɜːr/ /juː/

- I... went... with my sister. - With my sister.

/wɛnt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

Why do you always say that?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

Look, we're not 16. We've both dated other people.

/lʊk/ /boʊθ/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

It's silly to try to act like we didn't.

/ˈsɪli/ /traɪ/ /ækt/ /laɪk/ /wiː/

You're right.

/raɪt/

We should just be honest.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/

Totally.

/ˈtoʊtəli/

See that girl over there?

/siː/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

Three years ago, I totally made out with her.

/θriː/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

I don't want to hear that.

/wɒnt/ /hɪr/ /ðæt/

- What? You said... - God, that is so insensitive.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

- Remember honesty...? - You're a jerk!

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /dʒɜːrk/

Well, you're...

/wɛl/

confusing.

Okay, so you have to have sex with one.

/juː/ /hæv/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/

Either classic mermaid; bottom half fish, top half human,

/ˈiː.ðər/ /ˈklæsɪk/ /hæf/ /fɪʃ/ /tɒp/ /hæf/ /ˈhjuːmən/

or inverted mermaid, top half fish, bottom half human.

/tɒp/ /hæf/ /fɪʃ/ /hæf/ /ˈhjuːmən/

Go!

/ɡoʊ/

I don't know. Is she fat?

/noʊ/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /fæt/

Yeah, but it's a fish, so it's the good kind of fat.

/bʌt/ /fɪʃ/ /ɡʊd/ /kaɪnd/ /fæt/

Hot off the presses!

/hɒt/ /ɒf/

I-I don't take flyers.

/teɪk/

You took one two seconds before you walked in here.

/juː/ /tʊk/ /tuː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /hɪr/

That's different. It was for a strip club.

/ˈdɪfrənt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /fɔːr/ /klʌb/

Two bucks off wings.

/tuː/ /ɒf/ /wɪŋz/

How much is your flyer going to save me on wings?

/haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /seɪv/ /miː/ /ɒn/ /wɪŋz/

Fine. It's a flyer from my play.

/faɪn/ /maɪ/ /pleɪ/

Oh, Lily, I'd love to, but we're not in college

/lʌv/ /bʌt/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

and I'm not trying to sleep with you.

/ænd/ /sliːp/ /wɪð/ /juː/

- So anyway, this mermaid... - Hey, Lily's friend asked her

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /frɛnd/ /hɜːr/

to be in this play, and it's gonna be really good.

/biː/ /pleɪ/ /ænd/ /biː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡʊd/

Lily, I love you, but we're too old for this.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /bʌt/ /oʊld/ /fɔːr/

Asking someone to come see your play

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /kʌm/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /pleɪ/

is like asking someone for a ride to the airport

/ɪz/ /laɪk/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /fɔːr/ /raɪd/ /ˈɛərpɔːrt/

or to crash on your couch or to help you move.

/ɒn/ /jʊr/ /kaʊtʃ/ /hɛlp/ /juː/ /muːv/

Call a cab, book a room,

/kɔːl/ /kæb/ /bʊk/ /ruːm/

hire some movers and repeat after me:

/haɪər/ /sʌm/ /ænd/ /rɪˈpiːt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /miː/

Friends don't let friends come see their crappy play.

/frɛndz/ /lɛt/ /frɛndz/ /kʌm/ /siː/ /ðɛr/ /pleɪ/

Okay, first of all, I've thought about it and top half fish.

/fɜːrst/ /ɔːl/ /θɔːt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /tɒp/ /hæf/ /fɪʃ/

Second of all, we need you guys to decide something for us.

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ɔːl/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /dɪˈsaɪd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/

Yes, you should break up.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/

So, earlier tonight...

/ˈɜːrliər/ /təˈnaɪt/

Mm, we should get down to the bar.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /daʊn/ /bɑːr/

I know we should,

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/

but you just look so sexy in my red sweatshirt.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /lʊk/ /maɪ/ /rɛd/

Oh, God, why is this part of the story?

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /pɑːrt/ /ˈstɔːri/

We're getting to it.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ɪt/

Damn, my face is so dry. Is there any moisturizer around here?

/maɪ/ /feɪs/ /ɪz/ /draɪ/ /ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /əˈraʊnd/ /hɪr/

Yeah, there's some in the bathroom.

/sʌm/ /ˈbæθruːm/

Got to moisturize!

Got to keep that pretty face moist.

/kiːp/ /ðæt/ /ˈprɪti/ /feɪs/

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

- What's wrong with her? - She hates that word.

/rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ʃiː/ /heɪts/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrd/

- What word, "moist"? - No! Seriously, stop!

/wɒt/ /wɜːrd/ /noʊ/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/ /stɒp/

So, anyway, Ted goes into the bathroom to get the moist...

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ɡoʊz/ /ˈbæθruːm/ /ɡɛt/

face lotion...

/feɪs/

Wow, this is great stuff.

/ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/ /stʌf/

Now I know the secret to your great complexion.

/naʊ/ /noʊ/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /jʊr/ /ɡreɪt/

What are you talking about? It's yours.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jɔːrz/

No, it's not.

/noʊ/

Oh, well... then I guess it's Lily's.

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /ɡɛs/

No, it's not.

/noʊ/

Whose moisturizer is this, Ted?

/ɪz/

Um, my sister's.

/maɪ/

So, in other words, some girl you went out with.

/ˈʌð.ər/ /wɜːrdz/ /sʌm/ /ɡɜːrl/ /juː/ /wɛnt/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/

Um... I love you.

/lʌv/ /juː/

Disgusting. You let me put on the same moisturizer as one of your exes?

/dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/ /juː/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /seɪm/ /jʊr/

It was probably Carla's. Her face was a train wreck.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /hɜːr/ /feɪs/ /wɒz/ /treɪn/

I'm don't think Ted was dating her for her face.

/θɪŋk/ /wɒz/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/ /feɪs/

Thank you, Marshall.

/juː/

Thank you so much.

/juː/ /mʌtʃ/

Why is that still in your apartment?

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

I don't know. I just never threw it out.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

Well, why not? Do you still have feelings for this girl?

/wɛl/ /waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /fɔːr/ /ɡɜːrl/

Yeah. I'm madly in love with her,

/lʌv/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

and the only way I can deal with it

/ænd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /weɪ/ /kæn/ /diːl/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

is by holding onto a three-dollar tube of lotion.

/ɪz/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/

Not three dollars! Try 14.

/θriː/ /traɪ/

Why is this such a big deal?

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /sʌtʃ/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/

Because I don't want to use some whore's moisturizer!

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒnt/ /juːz/ /sʌm/

Whoa, she wasn't a whore.

/ʃiː/

Well, she's leaving expensive lotions all over town.

/wɛl/ /ɪkˈspɛnsɪv/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /taʊn/

It sounds like a whore to me.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /miː/

What else do you have from old girlfriends just lying around?

/wɒt/ /ɛls/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /oʊld/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /əˈraʊnd/

Nothing. That's it.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ɪt/

Well, except for the phone booth.

/wɛl/ /ɪkˈsɛpt/ /fɔːr/ /foʊn/

And the lamp by the desk...

/ænd/ /læmp/ /dɛsk/

and the...

/ænd/

No.

/noʊ/

No! No! Oh, Ted!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

Ah, the age-old question:

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

after you break up with someone, what do you do with the stuff?

/ˈæf.tər/ /juː/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /duː/ /wɪð/ /stʌf/

Question? Ain't no question, girl.

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /ɡɜːrl/

Obviously, he's got to get rid of it.

/ˈɒbviəsli/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Which is obviously crazy and obviously, I'm not gonna do it.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ænd/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /duː/ /ɪt/

So we agreed that we would let you guys decide.

/wiː/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /wʊd/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /dɪˈsaɪd/

Yeah, like we did with Marshall's pants.

/laɪk/ /wiː/ /dɪd/ /wɪð/ /pænts/

Ah, the 2005 landmark case of Lily v. The Joey Buttafuoco Pants.

/ˈlændmɑːrk/ /pænts/

Nice, right?

/naɪs/ /raɪt/

I'm gonna have to say no.

/hæv/ /seɪ/ /noʊ/

I don't want some 16-year-old girl falling in love with you

/wɒnt/ /sʌm/ /ɡɜːrl/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /juː/

and then shooting Lily in the face.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /feɪs/

Yes!

I vote they can stay.

/voʊt/ /ðeɪ/ /kæn/ /steɪ/

"Check out the jackass in the parachute pants" is a good icebreaker.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /pænts/ /ɪz/ /ɡʊd/

T ed. Ted.

Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted?

Sorry, buddy, it's a "no" for me, too.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈbʌdi/ /noʊ/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Oh, and by the way, Bel Biv Devoe called.

/ænd/ /weɪ/

Even they don't want those pants back.

/ˈiːvən/ /ðeɪ/ /wɒnt/ /ðoʊz/ /pænts/ /bæk/

They were insanely comfortable!

/ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /ˈkʌmftəbl/

They were like pajamas you could wear outside.

/ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /wɛr/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

Marshall, it's over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

We even gave you an appeal and they didn't look any better with combat boots.

/wiː/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɡeɪv/ /juː/ /ænd/ /ðeɪ/ /lʊk/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /wɪð/

All right, well, let's hear the arguments. Ted, you go first.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /wɛl/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /fɜːrst/

Okay. The fact that I still have things from ex-girlfriends is no big deal.

/fækt/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /θɪŋz/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/

I mean, when I see the phone booth on the piano,

/miːn/ /wɛn/ /siː/ /foʊn/ /ɒn/ /piˈænoʊ/

I don't think of Jeannie Radford,

/θɪŋk/

I think of the good times I had backpacking through Europe.

/θɪŋk/ /ɡʊd/ /taɪmz/ /hæd/ /θruː/

And when I see the lamp, I don't think of Allison Moses.

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /siː/ /læmp/ /θɪŋk/

I remember when I was broke, just out of college,

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /aʊt/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

and I really needed a lamp.

/ænd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /læmp/

And when I see that throw pillow, I don't think of Lauren Stein.

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /siː/ /ðæt/ /θroʊ/ /ˈpɪloʊ/ /θɪŋk/

I think of that weird orange-brown stain and how it got there.

/θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ænd/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/ /ðɛr/

Creamsicle and turkey gravy,

/ænd/ /ˈtɜːrki/

not at the same time.

/seɪm/ /taɪm/

Well, that's adorable,

/wɛl/ /əˈdɔːrəbəl/

but from now on, when I walk into the apartment, here is what I will see.

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /ɒn/ /wɛn/ /wɔːk/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /hɪr/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /wɪl/ /siː/

I'm Ted's college girlfriend. He made me 12 mix tapes.

/ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /hiː/ /miː/ /mɪks/

How many has he made you?

/haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /hæz/ /hiː/ /juː/

He calls you "sweetie pie"?

/hiː/ /kɔːlz/ /juː/ /ˈswiːti/ /paɪ/

He called me "sweetie pie."

/hiː/ /miː/ /ˈswiːti/ /paɪ/

I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours.

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /bʌt/ /maɪ/ /ɪz/ /ðæn/ /jɔːrz/

Really? You can't look at a pillow

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /juː/ /lʊk/ /ˈpɪloʊ/

without seeing my ex-girlfriend-- a pillow!

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈpɪloʊ/

Yes, Ted, the fact that you still have that pillow is creepy and gross.

/fækt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ðæt/ /ˈpɪloʊ/ /ɪz/ /ˈkriːpi/ /ænd/

- You're creepy and gross. - Your mom's creepy and gross.

/ˈkriːpi/ /ænd/ /jʊr/ /ˈkriːpi/ /ænd/

Order! Order!

/ˈɔːrdər/ /ˈɔːrdər/

I got to side with Robin.

/saɪd/ /wɪð/

She's your girlfriend, and if the stuff upsets her, you got to get rid of it.

/jʊr/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /ænd/ /ɪf/ /stʌf/ /hɜːr/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

I've got to side with Ted.

/saɪd/ /wɪð/

Just 'cause you still have something an ex-girlfriend gave you

/dʒʌst/ /kɔːz/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɡeɪv/ /juː/

doesn't mean you're holding onto her.

/miːn/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

All right, Barney.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

It all comes down to you.

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /daʊn/ /juː/

- I side with Robin. - What?

/saɪd/ /wɪð/ /wɒt/

Ted, your place is too cluttered.

/jʊr/ /pleɪs/ /ɪz/

It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.

/laɪk/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/

Or a Danby's.

What, they don't have Danby's in the US?

/wɒt/ /ðeɪ/ /hæv/ /ʌs/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Well, then were do you get Grizzly Paw ice cream sandwiches?

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /wɜːr/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /aɪs/ /kriːm/

Just stop, sweetie.

/dʒʌst/ /stɒp/ /ˈswiːti/

So I had no choice.

/hæd/ /noʊ/ /tʃɔɪs/

I packed up everything I had gotten from ex-girlfriends.

/ʌp/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /hæd/

It was painful,

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈpeɪnfəl/

but not as painful as what I had to endure later that night.

/bʌt/ /ˈpeɪnfəl/ /wɒt/ /hæd/ /ˈleɪtər/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

New York is famous for its theater,

/njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ɪz/ /ˈfeɪməs/ /fɔːr/ /ɪts/

but there's many different levels.

/bʌt/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

There's Broadway,

off-Broadway,

off-off-Broadway,

homeless people screaming in the park,

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈskriːmɪŋ/ /pɑːrk/

and then below that, the play Aunt Lily was in.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ðæt/ /pleɪ/ /ænt/ /wɒz/

Eight flights, of stairs.

/eɪt/

Who puts a theater up eight flights of stairs?

/huː/ /ʌp/ /eɪt/

What kind of building is this?

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ɪz/

From the smell of it, I'm guessing a urine factory.

/smɛl/ /ɪt/

Where do you guys want to sit?

/wɛr/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɒnt/ /sɪt/

I know where I don't want to sit.

/noʊ/ /wɛr/ /wɒnt/ /sɪt/

Guys, four together!

/ɡaɪz/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

I brought a bag in case anyone needs to puke.

/bæɡ/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

Come on. It's not gonna be that bad.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /bæd/

No? Okay.

/noʊ/

I... am... Rage!

I... am Greed.

I am Rage... Envy!

I am outta here.

/hɪr/

No, you're not. You have to stay.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /steɪ/

This is the face of Consumerism!

/ɪz/ /feɪs/

Oh, my God. Ted's part of the play.

/maɪ/ /pɑːrt/ /pleɪ/

Hello, Greed, Rage...

Envy...

and Consumerism.

/ænd/

I... am your father...

/jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

America!

Oh, baby, that was wonderful!

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/

Totally, I had no idea Greed was the killer.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /hæd/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /wɒz/

And when it became a play within a play,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ɪt/ /pleɪ/ /pleɪ/

I was, like, "Now we are really cookin'!"

/wɒz/ /laɪk/ /naʊ/ /wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Wow, Lily, that sucked!

/ðæt/

Barney! Barney!

What? It was terrible.

/wɒt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/

I mean, come on. You guys agree, right?

/miːn/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /əˈɡriː/ /raɪt/

Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest 'cause, you know, we're friends.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /kɔːz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /frɛndz/

No, friends make each other feel good.

/noʊ/ /frɛndz/ /meɪk/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /fiːl/ /ɡʊd/

They build each other up and support them.

/ðeɪ/ /bɪld/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /səˈpɔːrt/ /ðɛm/

That's what being a good friend is about.

/wɒt/ /ɡʊd/ /frɛnd/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/

Yeah, if you're a Smurf.

/ɪf/

You know if you did a play, I would sit through the whole thing

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /pleɪ/ /wʊd/ /sɪt/ /θruː/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

and I would compliment you on it afterwards.

/ænd/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Oh, really? You would?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /juː/ /wʊd/

Yes.

Bad move, Aldrin, bad move.

/bæd/ /muːv/ /bæd/ /muːv/

We'll be starting our Q&A with the director--

/biː/ /aʊər/ /wɪð/ /dɪˈrɛktər/

yours truly--

/jɔːrz/ /ˈtruːli/

in five minutes right here.

/faɪv/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/

Can you believe Barney said that about Lily's play?

/kæn/ /juː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /pleɪ/

I know. He can be really insensitive.

/noʊ/ /hiː/ /kæn/ /biː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

It was pretty bad, though.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɪti/ /bæd/ /ðoʊ/

Oh, my God, it was so bad.

/maɪ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /bæd/

Oh, my God, you've been robbed!

/maɪ/

Nope.

All that stuff was from old girlfriends?

/ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/ /wɒz/ /oʊld/

Don't you buy anything for yourself?

/juː/ /baɪ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

What can I say?

/wɒt/ /kæn/ /seɪ/

Papa gets swag.

/ˈpɑːpə/ /ɡɛts/

And that should've been the end of it. But the next day...

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɛnd/ /ɪt/ /bʌt/ /nɛkst/ /deɪ/

You know, at first I was really bummed about getting rid of all my stuff.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /fɜːrst/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /stʌf/

But seeing how happy it makes you-- totally worth it.

/bʌt/ /haʊ/ /ˈhæp.i/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /wɜːrθ/ /ɪt/

Mm, that's kind of how I feel when I begrudgingly have sex with you

/kaɪnd/ /haʊ/ /fiːl/ /wɛn/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /juː/

when I'm really tired.

/wɛn/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/

Exactly. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /fɔːr/ /tiːm/

Well, sit. Sit, yeah.

/wɛl/ /sɪt/ /sɪt/

So you never keep anything your ex-boyfriends gave you?

/juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /kiːp/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /ɡeɪv/ /juː/

Nope.

Well, except for my dogs.

/wɛl/ /ɪkˈsɛpt/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /dɒɡz/

So I had to get rid of everything from my past relationships

/hæd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /pæst/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪps/

because you don't keep things from your past relationships

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /θɪŋz/ /jʊr/ /pæst/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪps/

except, uh, where are your five dogs from? Oh, that's right:

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /wɛr/ /jʊr/ /faɪv/ /dɒɡz/ /raɪt/

your past relationships.

/jʊr/ /pæst/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪps/

What's your point, Ted?

/jʊr/ /pɔɪnt/

Well, you know how you said you come over to my apartment,

/wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /kʌm/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /maɪ/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

and all you can see are my ex-girlfriends?

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /kæn/ /siː/ /maɪ/

What, so when you look at my dogs, all you see is my ex-boyfriends?

/wɒt/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /lʊk/ /maɪ/ /dɒɡz/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /siː/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/

I do now.

/duː/ /naʊ/

That's ridiculous.

I thought you said you got rid of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /ɡeɪv/ /juː/

Well, yeah, but not my dogs.

/wɛl/ /bʌt/ /maɪ/ /dɒɡz/

You said everything.

/juː/ /sɛd/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

But not living things.

/bʌt/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /θɪŋz/

Well, tell that to the rare Bolivian cactus I threw away.

/wɛl/ /tɛl/ /ðæt/ /rɛr/ /ˈkæktəs/ /əˈweɪ/

Things with a heartbeat can stay.

/θɪŋz/ /wɪð/ /kæn/ /steɪ/

Enjoying this?

Pickles, go get your ball.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /bɔːl/

Go get your ball.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /bɔːl/

Just admit it. It was a little hypocritical of you

/dʒʌst/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ɪt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /juː/

to make me get rid of all my stuff.

/meɪk/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /stʌf/

Well, what do you want me to do, Ted? Get rid of my dogs?

/wɛl/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /duː/ /ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /dɒɡz/

Guess what position we did it in.

/ɡɛs/ /wɒt/ /pəˈzɪʃən/ /wiː/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/

Yes. Yes, I want you to get rid of your dogs.

/wɒnt/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /dɒɡz/

Um, no.

/noʊ/

Really? Well, I say we take it to the group,

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɛl/ /seɪ/ /wiː/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɡruːp/

but I don't like your chances.

/bʌt/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/

She's not getting rid of the dogs.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /dɒɡz/

What's the matter with you?

/ˈmætər/ /wɪð/ /juː/

- Even I wouldn't do that. - Yes!

/ˈiːvən/ /duː/ /ðæt/

You can ask somebody to get rid of their iguana after it poops in your hair,

/juː/ /kæn/ /æsk/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛr/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɪt/ /jʊr/ /hɛr/

but not their dog.

/bʌt/ /ðɛr/ /dɔːɡ/

I miss Jebediah.

/mɪs/

Oh, I almost forgot.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /fərˈɡɒt/

Flyers for my new play.

/fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /njuː/ /pleɪ/

Very funny.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈfʌn.i/

Oh, it's not a joke.

/dʒoʊk/

It's my one-man show premiering tomorrow night.

/maɪ/ /ʃoʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/

And even though it's terrible and excruciatingly long,

/ænd/ /ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/ /ænd/ /lɔːŋ/

I expect you all to be there since we're such good friends.

/ɪkˈspɛkt/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /biː/ /ðɛr/ /sɪns/ /sʌtʃ/ /ɡʊd/ /frɛndz/

Oh, we'll be there.

/biː/ /ðɛr/

Unless, of course, you just want to admit that you were wrong...

/ənˈlɛs/ /kɔːrs/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /rɒŋ/

- Never. - Good.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡʊd/

Okay, I gotta go rehearse.

/ɡoʊ/

Oh, I almost forgot. Bring a poncho;

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /brɪŋ/

the first three rows get wet.

/fɜːrst/ /θriː/ /ɡɛt/ /wɛt/

I'm sorry I didn't tell you where the dogs came from.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /wɛr/ /dɒɡz/

I'm sorry I asked you to get rid of them.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛm/

That was ridiculous.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/

So we're-we're okay?

Yeah, we're great.

/ɡreɪt/

And I thought we were,

/ænd/ /θɔːt/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/

but just as it did in the seventh act of Aunt Lily's play,

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /ɪt/ /dɪd/ /ækt/ /ænt/ /pleɪ/

Jealousy reared its ugly head.

/ɪts/ /ˈʌɡli/ /hɛd/

Oh, yeah, that's the spot.

/spɒt/

Dude, I gotta pee.

/piː/

I gotta go.

/ɡoʊ/

Oh, he's really having trouble dealing with this, huh?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈtrʌbəl/ /wɪð/

Yeah, he really is.

/hiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪz/

It's got me thinking, maybe I should get rid of my dogs.

/miː/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /dɒɡz/

Might be time to send them to the farm.

/maɪt/ /biː/ /taɪm/ /sɛnd/ /ðɛm/

- You're gonna kill your dogs?! - No! No, no, no,

/kɪl/ /jʊr/ /dɒɡz/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

there really is a farm.

/ðɛr/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪz/

My aunt has a farm upstate.

/maɪ/ /ænt/ /hæz/

Oh, thank God.

Aw, you know, if I were five dogs,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /wɜːr/ /faɪv/ /dɒɡz/

I'd rather live on a farm than in an apartment in Brooklyn.

/ˈrɑːðər/ /lɪv/ /ɒn/ /ðæn/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Yeah. I could visit them on weekends.

/kʊd/ /ˈvɪz.ɪt/ /ðɛm/ /ɒn/

My aunt is awfully lonely up there. It's just her and her lover, Betty.

/maɪ/ /ænt/ /ɪz/ /ˈloʊnli/ /ʌp/ /ðɛr/ /dʒʌst/ /hɜːr/ /ænd/ /hɜːr/

Oh, that's perfect. They love dogs.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ðeɪ/ /lʌv/ /dɒɡz/

"They"? What do you mean by "they"?

/ðeɪ/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /ðeɪ/

Uh... uh.... uh... People upstate.

/ˈpiː.pəl/

Oh, look, it's starting. Shh!

/lʊk/

Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /biː/

I mean, you know that this is gonna be...

/miːn/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /biː/

I know, but I'm gonna sit through the whole thing,

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /sɪt/ /θruː/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

and I'm gonna say something nice about it afterwards.

/ænd/ /seɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /naɪs/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

You know why?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/

Because that's what friends do.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒt/ /frɛndz/ /duː/

Moist.

Moist.

Moist.

Moist.

That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /fɜːrst/ /ʃoʊ/

Moist.

And then we endured about 20 minutes of this.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wiː/ /əˈbaʊt/

I have to go refill.

/hæv/ /ɡoʊ/

I'll be back in a moment.

/biː/ /bæk/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

Play's not over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

I never get picked for audience participation.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɔːdiəns/

And then it just got weird.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/

Feelings.

/ˈfiːlɪŋz/

Inside.

Oh, no!

/noʊ/

And when that didn't work...

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrk/

Okay! Stop!

/stɒp/

You win. Fine.

/juː/ /wɪn/ /faɪn/

Barney, I'm sorry I made you come to my show.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/ /kʌm/ /maɪ/ /ʃoʊ/

Thank you, Lily.

/juː/

Is there anything you'd like to say about my show?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /laɪk/ /seɪ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /ʃoʊ/

No.

/noʊ/

No, I have nothing nice to say about your show.

/noʊ/ /hæv/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /naɪs/ /seɪ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /ʃoʊ/

You were right, Barney.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/

Let's go to the bar.

/ɡoʊ/ /bɑːr/

Yes! I win!

/wɪn/

I love winning!

/lʌv/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/

Oh, Lily. Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily.

I was just getting warmed up, man!

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /mæn/

If you had any idea what was coming up in act two... oh!

/ɪf/ /juː/ /hæd/ /ˈɛn.i/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ʌp/ /ækt/ /tuː/

Well, I imagine it was pretty awful, so let's go.

/wɛl/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡoʊ/

Pretty awful? Pretty awful?! It was a masterpiece of awful.

/ˈprɪti/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈmɑːstəpiːs/

It's genius how bad it is. I kind of wish you guys could see it.

/haʊ/ /bæd/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /kaɪnd/ /wɪʃ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /kʊd/ /siː/ /ɪt/

Yeah, well, anyway.

/wɛl/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

Act two is where I really hit my stride.

/ækt/ /tuː/ /ɪz/ /wɛr/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /maɪ/

Spoiler alert: the robot falls in love.

/ˈroʊbɒt/ /lʌv/

How about this, Barney? How about we stay

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wiː/ /steɪ/

and-and watch the rest of your show?

/wɒtʃ/ /rɛst/ /jʊr/ /ʃoʊ/

It's your funeral.

/jʊr/

Five, six, one, two.

/faɪv/ /sɪks/ /tuː/

So we stayed and let Barney torture us for another hour and a half,

/wiː/ /ænd/ /lɛt/ /ʌs/ /fɔːr/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈaʊ.ər/ /ænd/ /hæf/

'cause that's what friends do, apparently.

/kɔːz/ /wɒt/ /frɛndz/ /duː/

Hey.

Where've you been? I called you earlier.

/juː/ /juː/ /ˈɜːrliər/

I gave my dogs away to my aunt.

/ɡeɪv/ /maɪ/ /dɒɡz/ /əˈweɪ/ /maɪ/ /ænt/

You what?

/juː/ /wɒt/

Yeah. Just for a few months as a test run, but...

/dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /fjuː/ /tɛst/ /rʌn/ /bʌt/

I think it's for the best.

/θɪŋk/ /fɔːr/ /bɛst/

Wow. Ui.

Oh, man.

/mæn/

Can we go inside?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Uh, no. Uh, let's go to the bar.

/noʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /bɑːr/

Why? What's going on inside?

/waɪ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

- Um, the floors are gone. - What?

/ɡɔːn/ /wɒt/

Yeah. I-I sent them out to get, um, fixed.

/sɛnt/ /ðɛm/ /aʊt/ /ɡɛt/

This is a terrible lie. I'm just going to bail.

/ɪz/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/ /laɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

I didn't know you were getting rid of the dogs!

/noʊ/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /dɒɡz/

You said you threw all that stuff away!

/juː/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/ /əˈweɪ/

Kids, this was the worst fight Robin and I ever had.

/kɪdz/ /wɒz/ /wɜːrst/ /faɪt/ /ænd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/

It was one of those fights that last for hours

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ðoʊz/ /ðæt/ /læst/ /fɔːr/ /ˈaʊərz/

and you start to get woozy and lose track of what you're fighting about.

/ænd/ /juː/ /stɑːrt/ /ɡɛt/ /ænd/ /luːz/ /wɒt/ /ˈfaɪtɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

We fought for so long, seasons changed outside the window.

/wiː/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /tʃeɪndʒd/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/

Pages of the calendar blew off. It was crazy.

/ɒf/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

But, ultimately, and I couldn't tell you how for the life of me,

/bʌt/ /ænd/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /haʊ/ /fɔːr/ /laɪf/ /miː/

but somehow we got to here.

/bʌt/ /wiː/ /hɪr/

We're really doing this?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Yeah.

- We're moving in together! - We're moving in together!

/təˈɡɛð.ər/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

The robot found love

/ˈroʊbɒt/ /lʌv/

Confusing my circuitry

/maɪ/

My software's been hacked

/maɪ/

Toaster oven

/ˈʌvən/

You're the one for me

/fɔːr/ /miː/

Two, three, four.

/tuː/ /θriː/

That's two.

/tuː/