Season 2 · Tập 5

Your Uncle Barney was always always a bit of an enigma.

/jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /wɒz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

In all the years we lived in New York,

/ɔːl/ /wiː/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

none of us had ever set foot in his apartment.

/nʌn/ /ʌs/ /hæd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /sɛt/ /fʊt/ /hɪz/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Until one day, one of us did.

/ənˈtɪl/ /deɪ/ /ʌs/ /dɪd/

It's a pretty good story.

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈstɔːri/

And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role.

/ænd/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ɪt/ /dɪd/ /pleɪ/ /roʊl/

It all started two weeks earlier at Lily's housewarming.

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /tuː/ /ˈɜːrliər/

Hey, welcome to my new home.

/ˈwɛlkəm/ /maɪ/ /njuː/ /hoʊm/

Oh, wow, Lily, this is...

/ɪz/

Oh, this is all of it.

/ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /ɪt/

Yeah, I know it's small, but it's got character.

/noʊ/ /smɔːl/ /bʌt/

Thank you.

/juː/

And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbors.

/ænd/ /maɪ/

They're great.

/ɡreɪt/

They're always out there in the hall, you know,

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /hɔːl/ /juː/ /noʊ/

cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

It's nice.

/naɪs/

Hey, is that a toilet in your kitchen?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈtɔɪlɪt/ /jʊr/ /ˈkɪtʃɪn/

Or a stove in your bathroom?

/jʊr/ /ˈbæθruːm/

Oh, that's not just a stove.

/dʒʌst/

That's a stovenkerator:

a combination of a stove, oven and sink and refrigerator.

/ˈʌvən/ /ænd/ /ænd/

Stovenkerator.

Isn't that futuristic?

/ðæt/

God, I hope not.

/hoʊp/

Hey, cool Murphy bed.

/kuːl/ /bɛd/

Yeah, it's kind of a mess. I didn't make my bed this morning, so...

/kaɪnd/ /mɛs/ /meɪk/ /maɪ/ /bɛd/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Oh! Oh!

You know what, I bet sleeping at this angle is good for you.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /bɛt/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ɡʊd/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

For some reason.

/fɔːr/ /sʌm/ /ˈriːzən/

I got it.

/ɪt/

That was, something, something, I am going to, something,

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

you like a, something, donkey.

/juː/ /laɪk/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Huh. Huh.

Other cultures.

/ˈʌð.ər/

Hey, let's break out the fruit basket.

/breɪk/ /aʊt/

Hey, who ate all the...?

/huː/ /eɪt/ /ɔːl/

Okay, we have to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/ /ɪz/

I'd offer her my place, but I've got dogs and she's allergic.

/ˈɒfər/ /hɜːr/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/ /bʌt/ /dɒɡz/ /ænd/

Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's a little more allergic to that.

/dɒɡz/ /lɪv/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/ /ðæt/

What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery,

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /pleɪs/ /noʊ/ /ˈmɪstəri/

but it's gotta have a couch.

/bʌt/ /hæv/ /kaʊtʃ/

The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.

/noʊ/ /weɪ/

Come on. She's desperate.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Hmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home,

/ˈnɔːrməli/ /fɔːr/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /brɪŋ/ /hoʊm/

but... pass.

/bʌt/ /pæs/

One of you guys is very, very lucky because I have...

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɪz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈlʌki/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /hæv/

a boom, an extra ticket to the Alanis Morissette concert. Who's in?

/ˈɛkstrə/ /ˈtɪkɪt/ /ˈkɒnsərt/

- Absolutely not. - No.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /noʊ/

Damn! I got these tickets, like, months ago for me and Lily

/ðiːz/ /ˈtɪkɪts/ /laɪk/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /ænd/

and now I can't find anyone to go with me.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /faɪnd/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /miː/

This is what I miss about being in a couple.

/ɪz/ /wɒt/ /mɪs/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈkʌpəl/

I always had someone to go to concerts with,

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /hæd/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/

or farmer's market,

or brunch.

/brʌntʃ/

God, I miss brunch!

/mɪs/ /brʌntʃ/

Well, I guess you could-- well, you could try going to brunch alone.

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /wɛl/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /traɪ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /brʌntʃ/ /əˈloʊn/

Oh, you don't think I've tried?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/

Table for one.

/ˈteɪ.bəl/ /fɔːr/

One couple?

/ˈkʌpəl/

Um, no, just me.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /miː/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

For brunch?

/fɔːr/ /brʌntʃ/

You're right. Who am I kidding?

/raɪt/ /huː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

Ooh, The Popover Pantry. That place is great. Can we go get brunch tomorrow?

/ðæt/ /pleɪs/ /ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/ /kæn/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /brʌntʃ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Of course, sweetie.

/kɔːrs/ /ˈswiːti/

Can I go with you guys?

/kæn/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Really? For brunch?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /fɔːr/ /brʌntʃ/

God, I hate being single!

/heɪt/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

Okay, I'll take the over on the Pittsburgh game.

/teɪk/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ɒn/ /ɡeɪm/

Oh, and P. to the S., I never got my payout

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /maɪ/

from Seattle from two weeks ago.

/tuː/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you.

/meɪk/ /miː/ /kɔːl/ /ˈɡeɪmɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /juː/

I'm sure they'd be very interested to know what's going on over there.

/ʃʊr/ /biː/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈɪntrəstɪd/ /noʊ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

All right? All right?

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Okay, I love you, too, Mom. Take care.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /mɒm/ /teɪk/ /kɛr/

Hello, Lily. Hello, Lily.

You've somehow managed to circumvent my security.

/maɪ/ /sɪˈkjʊərɪti/

How did you do it?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Ted gave me your spare key.

/ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /jʊr/ /kiː/

Spare key, brilliant!

/kiː/

I'm sorry, but you know I'd only come here

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈoʊnli/ /kʌm/ /hɪr/

if I had no other choice.

/ɪf/ /hæd/ /noʊ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /tʃɔɪs/

But earlier today, I was getting ready to go to sleep and...

/bʌt/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /təˈdeɪ/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /ɡoʊ/ /sliːp/ /ænd/

Sveikas. Sveikas.

That's terrible.

/ˈtɛrɪbl/

Well, see ya.

/wɛl/ /siː/

Well, can I stay here maybe?

/wɛl/ /kæn/ /steɪ/ /hɪr/ /ˈmeɪbi/

Oh... I'd let you, but I don't have any room.

/lɛt/ /juː/ /bʌt/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ruːm/

You live in a two-bedroom apartment.

/juː/ /lɪv/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

You have one room just for your suits.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ruːm/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/

Hey, I'm at a point in my life where my suits are my family.

/pɔɪnt/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /wɛr/ /maɪ/ /maɪ/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

Look around you, Lily.

/lʊk/ /əˈraʊnd/ /juː/

You are in the heart of bachelor country,

/juː/ /hɑːrt/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈkʌn.tri/

and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here.

/ænd/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /juː/ /ɪˈliːɡəl/ /hɪr/

Now, you can try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts 12 hours.

/naʊ/ /juː/ /kæn/ /traɪ/ /fɔːr/ /sɛks/ /ˈviːzə/ /bʌt/ /ðæt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈaʊərz/

14 if you qualify for multiple entry.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /fɔːr/

Eww... is something some lame, judgmental chick would say,

/ɪz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /sʌm/ /tʃɪk/ /wʊd/ /seɪ/

but I say give me multiple high fives.

/bʌt/ /seɪ/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /haɪ/

Wow, you really are desperate.

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

I really am.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Okay, you can stay here for two days.

/juː/ /kæn/ /steɪ/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /tuː/

But I only have one rule. You can't change anything.

/bʌt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hæv/ /ruːl/ /juː/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Why would I change anything? This place is...

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /pleɪs/ /ɪz/

...perfect.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

Except for the fact that you don't have a TV.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /fɔːr/ /fækt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /hæv/

See that wall?

/siː/ /ðæt/ /wɔːl/

300-inch flat-screen.

They only sell them in Japan, but I know a guy.

/ðeɪ/ /ˈoʊnli/ /sɛl/ /ðɛm/ /bʌt/ /noʊ/ /ɡaɪ/

Had to ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong.

/hæd/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /laɪk/ /kɪŋ/

It hurts my eyes.

/ɪt/ /hɜːrts/ /maɪ/ /aɪz/

Yeah. That doesn't go away.

/ðæt/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈweɪ/

- Hey. - Hey, where have you been?

/wɛr/ /hæv/ /juː/

The Alanis Morissette concert.

/ˈkɒnsərt/

By yourself?

/jɔːrˈsɛlf/

No, actually I went with a friend from law school.

/noʊ/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /wɛnt/ /wɪð/ /frɛnd/ /lɔː/ /skuːl/

Oh, really? Who's this friend?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /frɛnd/

Brad. Brad.

- Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks! - Totally!

/broʊ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

I can't believe I almost didn't come tonight.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /kʌm/ /təˈnaɪt/

Let me guess: You bought the tickets for you and Lily

/lɛt/ /miː/ /ɡɛs/ /juː/ /bɔːt/ /ˈtɪkɪts/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ænd/

right before she dumped you.

/raɪt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ʃiː/ /dʌmpt/ /juː/

Yeah, how'd you know?

/juː/ /noʊ/

I just got dumped myself.

/dʒʌst/ /dʌmpt/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

What, Kara broke up with you?

/wɒt/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /juː/

I'm sorry, man. That sucks.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /mæn/ /ðæt/

Brad, do you like brunch?

/duː/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /brʌntʃ/

You invited him to brunch?

/juː/ /hɪm/ /brʌntʃ/

Yeah, I invited him to brunch. Why, is that weird?

/hɪm/ /brʌntʃ/ /waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Yes. That's why I was all, "You invited him to brunch?"

/waɪ/ /wɒz/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /hɪm/ /brʌntʃ/

Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch?

/waɪ/ /tuː/ /ɡaɪz/ /huː/ /frɛndz/ /ɡoʊ/ /brʌntʃ/

Because brunch is kind of...

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /brʌntʃ/ /ɪz/ /kaɪnd/

Girly.

Girly? Breakfast isn't girly.

/ˈbrɛk.fəst/

Lunch isn't girly. What makes brunch girly?

/lʌntʃ/ /wɒt/ /brʌntʃ/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

There's nothing girly about a horse.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɔːrs/

Nothing girly about a horn,

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɔːrn/

but put them together and you get a unicorn.

/bʌt/ /pʊt/ /ðɛm/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /ænd/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/

I don't care what either of you say,

/kɛr/ /wɒt/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /juː/ /seɪ/

I am going to The Popover Pantry with Brad.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɪð/

We're here. We're hungry.

/hɪr/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/

Get used to it, brunch.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /brʌntʃ/

- Hmm... smells delicious. - Thank you.

/dɪˈlɪʃəs/ /juː/

There was no food in the fridge, so I picked up...

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/ /fuːd/ /frɪdʒ/ /ʌp/

What are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

Lily, what was the first rule again?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /fɜːrst/ /ruːl/ /əˈɡɛn/

Don't change anything.

/tʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

And what was the second rule?

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ruːl/

- There was no second rule. - Exactly!

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ruːl/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

There was only one rule and you broke it.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ruːl/ /ænd/ /juː/ /ɪt/

I bought groceries. That counts as changing something?

/bɔːt/ /ðæt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Lily, if I wanted a fridge full of groceries,

/ɪf/ /frɪdʒ/ /fʊl/

or fresh coffee in the morning,

/frɛʃ/ /ˈkɔː.fi/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

I'd be in a relationship.

/biː/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

But I don't want to be in a relationship.

/bʌt/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

That's why I make it crystal-clear to every girl that walks through that door

/waɪ/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ðæt/ /θruː/ /ðæt/ /dɔːr/

that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /pleɪs/ /liːv/

This is not a place to leave a contact lens case.

/ɪz/ /pleɪs/ /liːv/ /ˈkɒntækt/

This is a place to leave.

/ɪz/ /pleɪs/ /liːv/

Come on, I'll give you a tour.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/

Uh, no flash photography, please.

/noʊ/ /pliːz/

Bienvenido to the bedroom.

/ˈbɛdruːm/

Dig this: king-sized bed,

/bɛd/

full-sized blanket, one pillow.

/ˈpɪloʊ/

Everything about this bed says, "our work here is done."

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /bɛd/ /aʊər/ /wɜːrk/ /hɪr/ /ɪz/ /dʌn/

Next we say "bienvenue" to the bathroom.

/nɛkst/ /wiː/ /seɪ/ /ˈbæθruːm/

What, only one towel?

/wɒt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈtaʊəl/

What, no hairdryer?

/wɒt/ /noʊ/

You know where I keep that stuff? Your place. Beat it.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛr/ /kiːp/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/ /jʊr/ /pleɪs/ /biːt/ /ɪt/

And the coup de grace...

/ænd/

Yeah, that's right.

/raɪt/

Patent-pending.

And wilkommen to the hallway.

/ænd/

While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...

/waɪl/ /ɡaɪz/ /laɪk/ /ænd/ /meɪ/ /haɪd/ /ðɛr/

Marshall doesn't have porn.

/hæv/

Aww, that's sweet.

/ɔː/ /swiːt/

While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn,

/waɪl/ /ɡaɪz/ /laɪk/ /ænd/ /meɪ/ /haɪd/ /ðɛr/

I had mine... professionally lit.

/hæd/ /maɪn/

Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough.

/ɡɜːrlz/ /siː/ /ðeɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/ /fæst/ /ɪˈnʌf/

And if that doesn't drive them away,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /ðæt/ /draɪv/ /ðɛm/ /əˈweɪ/

there's always your life-sized storm-trooper.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /jʊr/

No, that's just awesome.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɔːsəm/

So you see, whenever a girl wakes up here,

/juː/ /siː/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ʌp/ /hɪr/

I never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /hæv/ /tɛl/ /hɜːr/ /ɡoʊ/ /bɪld/ /hɜːr/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/ /ɛls/

My apartment does it for me.

/maɪ/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /dʌz/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

God, I love brunch.

/lʌv/ /brʌntʃ/

Oh, damn...

the zucchini bread is "ridonculous."

/brɛd/ /ɪz/

This isn't weird, right?

/raɪt/

I sort of thought it might be,

/sɔːrt/ /θɔːt/ /ɪt/ /maɪt/ /biː/

but it totally isn't.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

And B-T-dub, you totally did not oversell the eggs Benny.

/ænd/ /juː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /dɪd/ /ɛɡz/

Right? Right?

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

I mean, why can't two single bros go out and rock brunch Sunday morning-style?

/miːn/ /waɪ/ /tuː/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /broʊz/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /brʌntʃ/ /ˈsʌndeɪ/

Exactly. Thank you, that's exactly what I've been saying.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /juː/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/

This must be destiny.

/mʌst/ /biː/

What are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

I have two tickets for Mamma Mia Friday night.

/hæv/ /tuː/ /ˈtɪkɪts/ /fɔːr/ /naɪt/

You like Abba, right?

/juː/ /laɪk/ /raɪt/

What am I saying? Who doesn't?

/wɒt/ /huː/

Anyway, I was gonna take Kara, but now it's all you and me.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /wɒz/ /teɪk/ /bʌt/ /naʊ/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /ænd/ /miː/

We're gonna do Broadway, bro style. What do you say?

/duː/ /broʊ/ /staɪl/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey. Did the cold wake you?

/dɪd/ /koʊld/ /weɪk/ /juː/

No, I've just been watching you sleep.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /juː/ /sliːp/

Oh, did you try and take a shower? I'm sorry, I only have one clean towel.

/dɪd/ /juː/ /traɪ/ /ænd/ /teɪk/ /ˈʃaʊər/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hæv/ /kliːn/ /ˈtaʊəl/

I don't buy into the myth that we need to shower every day.

/baɪ/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /ˈʃaʊər/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /deɪ/

O kay. Okay.

I'd offer you some coffee, but I don't have any, so you're gonna have to...

/ˈɒfər/ /juː/ /sʌm/ /ˈkɔː.fi/ /bʌt/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /hæv/

I'm boycotting coffee.

/ˈkɔː.fi/

You may as well drink the tears of a Colombian peasant farmer.

/juː/ /meɪ/ /wɛl/ /drɪŋk/

God, I love this place.

/lʌv/ /pleɪs/

Good thing I don't have a job

/ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/ /hæv/ /dʒɒb/

because I could stay here all day.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /kʊd/ /steɪ/ /hɪr/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/

I think I left something on the bookshelf.

/θɪŋk/ /lɛft/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Whoops. Oh, no, oh, look.

/noʊ/ /lʊk/

Oh, I'm disgusting.

/dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/

Wow, you're open about your sexuality

/ˈoʊ.pən/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/

and that's one of the reasons I love you.

/ænd/ /ˈriːzənz/ /lʌv/ /juː/

Did I just say that?

/dɪd/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

Oh, well, cat's out of the bag.

/wɛl/ /aʊt/ /bæɡ/

I love you.

/lʌv/ /juː/

Whoa, uh... Okay, beep, beep. Backing up, um...

/ʌp/

Hi, Barney. Oh... Hi, Barney. Oh...

Oh, my God. Are you married? Is this your wife?

/maɪ/ /juː/ /ˈmærid/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /waɪf/

What? No.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/

Yes!

- Yes? - Yes.

You son of a bitch!

/juː/ /sʌn/

I can't believe I let you enter my sacred temple.

/bɪˈliːv/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /ˈɛntər/ /maɪ/

Come on, baby. Please, no. Oh, you don't understand.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /pliːz/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

What have I done? This is the worst. How could you...?

/wɒt/ /hæv/ /dʌn/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrst/ /haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/

You're not going anywhere.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

Wow, that was close.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /kloʊs/

That hippie chick wouldn't leave.

/ðæt/ /tʃɪk/ /liːv/

She was ready to squat here.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /hɪr/

Well, she'd have to with your spring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she?

/wɛl/ /hæv/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈtɔɪlɪt/ /siːt/ /ʃiː/

She was freakishly immune to everything in my apartment...

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

except you.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /juː/

You're better than porn.

/ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/

Thank you.

/juː/

How would you like to extend your stay here?

/haʊ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/ /steɪ/ /hɪr/

All you'd have to do is pretend to be my wife,

/ɔːl/ /hæv/ /duː/ /ɪz/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/

and scare off the occasional one-night stand.

/ænd/ /ɒf/ /stænd/

I know, I know. You've got your ethics. You've got your principles...

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /jʊr/ /jʊr/

I'll do it.

/duː/ /ɪt/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Barney, you've clearly got some serious mother issues

/ˈklɪərli/ /sʌm/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat.

/ðæt/ /hæv/ /lɛft/ /juː/ /ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/

But, in my other apartment, I would be living

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/

with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win.

/wɪð/ /juː/ /wɪn/

I'll take it.

/teɪk/ /ɪt/

- Mamma Mia? - Mamma Mia. -Mamma Mia? -Mamma Mia.

You know what? It's supposed to be a great musical, okay?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /ɡreɪt/

It won all sorts of Tonys and stuff.

/ɪt/ /wʌn/ /ɔːl/ /ænd/ /stʌf/

No, totally. It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date.

/noʊ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /fʌn/ /ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ/ /deɪt/

Ooh, third date. You know what that means.

/deɪt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/

It is not a date, okay.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /deɪt/

It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show.

/dʒʌst/ /tuː/ /broʊz/ /ʃoʊ/

You bros going to get dinner beforehand?

/juː/ /broʊz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

We might grab a steak, yeah.

/wiː/ /maɪt/ /ɡræb/

Where at?

/wɛr/

Cafe L'Amour. Cafe L'Amour.

Brad says the food is really good there, okay.

/fuːd/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡʊd/ /ðɛr/

Sounds like Brad's got quite the night planned out.

/laɪk/ /kwaɪt/ /naɪt/ /aʊt/

You better bring your "A" game.

/juː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /brɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /ɡeɪm/

That means no granny panties.

/ðæt/ /noʊ/

All right, you know what? You two are just threatened

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /tuː/ /dʒʌst/

because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' turf.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /ˈkʌpəlz/

Well, guess what? It's my territory now.

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/ /maɪ/ /naʊ/

I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals.

/ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/

That's right; Brad and I are taking back Broadway.

/raɪt/ /ænd/ /bæk/

What are you going to wear?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɛr/

I was thinking like this collared shirt and these pin...

/wɒz/ /laɪk/ /ʃɜːrt/ /ænd/ /ðiːz/

Oh, you know what? Shut up.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

Can you pass the Arts and Leisure?

/kæn/ /juː/ /pæs/ /ænd/ /ˈliːʒər/

Can you pass the Arts and Leisure?

/kæn/ /juː/ /pæs/ /ænd/ /ˈliːʒər/

I just did.

/dʒʌst/ /dɪd/

Honey, I'm...

/ˈhʌni/

Barney, what the hell is going on here?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /hɪr/

Lily, I can explain...

/kæn/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/

How could you? In our own home?

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /aʊər/ /oʊn/ /hoʊm/

You bastard!

/juː/

- I'm so sorry. I didn't know he had... - Just get out.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /noʊ/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/

This is what I get after I worked as a stripper for four years

/ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /wɜːrkt/ /fɔːr/

to put you through medical school?

/pʊt/ /juː/ /θruː/ /ˈmɛdɪkl/ /skuːl/

I got breast implants for you.

/fɔːr/ /juː/

I... I was just about to turn on the tears.

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈbaʊt/ /tɜːrn/ /ɒn/

Brava. Brava.

That was incredible.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/

And that slap was genius. You did not hold back.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /hoʊld/ /bæk/

Yeah, that I just always wanted to do.

/ðæt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /duː/

Fair enough.

/fɛr/ /ɪˈnʌf/

I have to say,

/hæv/ /seɪ/

it's kind of nice having food around here for a change.

/kaɪnd/ /naɪs/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /fuːd/ /əˈraʊnd/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

You know...

/juː/ /noʊ/

nah, never mind.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /maɪnd/

What?

/wɒt/

You're my wife. You can tell me anything.

/maɪ/ /waɪf/ /juː/ /kæn/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Well, if you really wanted to sell this ruse,

/wɛl/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /sɛl/

we should try to make this place a little more...

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /traɪ/ /meɪk/ /pleɪs/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/

you know, homey.

/juː/ /noʊ/

Like-like a woman would actually live here.

/ˈwʊm.ən/ /wʊd/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /lɪv/ /hɪr/

What did you have in mind?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /hæv/ /maɪnd/

# Bones, bones, brittle little bones #

/ˈlɪt.əl/

# It's not the milk you seek #

/mɪlk/ /juː/

# It's the sun you need #

/sʌn/ /juː/ /niːd/

# Sugar dumpling, muffin baby #

/ˈʃʊɡər/ /ˈbeɪbi/

# This world is going crazy #

/wɜːrld/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈkreɪzi/

# Do do do do #

/duː/ /duː/ /duː/ /duː/

# Do do do do #

/duː/ /duː/ /duː/ /duː/

# Do do do do do #

/duː/ /duː/ /duː/ /duː/ /duː/

Hey, you're home.

/hoʊm/

I didn't think we'd be seeing you until tomorrow morning.

/θɪŋk/ /biː/ /juː/ /ənˈtɪl/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Ha, ha, ha, ha. It wasn't a date.

/ɪt/ /deɪt/

Okay, it was a date and it got way weird.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /deɪt/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /weɪ/

Oh, you really don't have to do that.

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hæv/ /duː/ /ðæt/

No, I insist. You're my guest.

/noʊ/ /maɪ/

Thanks, Brad.

Bro,

/broʊ/

you got some chocolate on your chin.

/juː/ /sʌm/ /ˈtʃɒklɪt/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/

Still there.

/ðɛr/

I'll get that bad boy.

/ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /bæd/ /bɔɪ/

Whoa. Whoa.

Well, it could have been worse.

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /kʊd/ /hæv/ /wɜːrs/

It could have fallen in your lap.

/ɪt/ /kʊd/ /hæv/ /jʊr/ /læp/

It gets worse.

/ɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /wɜːrs/

No, I-I can do it, Brad. Okay, thank you.

/noʊ/ /kæn/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /juː/

So anyway, ah, it's this Saturday.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/

Do you want to come?

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /kʌm/

You want me to go to a wedding with you?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Okay, that's not too bad.

/bæd/

Two single guys on the prowl. It'll be like Wedding Crashers.

/tuː/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɒn/ /biː/ /laɪk/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Just keep Brad away from the bouquet.

/dʒʌst/ /kiːp/ /əˈweɪ/

It gets worse.

/ɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /wɜːrs/

It gets better.

/ɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

The foliage in Vermont this time of year is ridonc.

/taɪm/ /jɪr/ /ɪz/

Vermont? Vermont?

Yeah, the wedding's at this awesome B&B.

/ˈɔːsəm/

Kara and I used to go there.

/ænd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ðɛr/

Anyway, there is one room left, and we got it.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ruːm/ /lɛft/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /ɪt/

Walt Whitman Suite, bro.

/broʊ/

You said no, right?

/juː/ /sɛd/ /noʊ/ /raɪt/

Of course.

/kɔːrs/

I understand.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

It's cool.

/kuːl/

It's the first time I was going to see my college friends

/fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /siː/ /maɪ/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ /frɛndz/

since Kara left me.

/sɪns/ /lɛft/ /miː/

I just...

/dʒʌst/

I just miss her so much.

/dʒʌst/ /mɪs/ /hɜːr/ /mʌtʃ/

I'll go to Vermont with you.

/ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

That's great!

/ɡreɪt/

You know, uh, they're registered at Pottery Barn.

/juː/ /noʊ/

I figure we could go halfsies on a gravy boat.

/wiː/ /kʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /boʊt/

I'm sorry. It's not funny anymore.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Damn you, brunch!

/juː/ /brʌntʃ/

This guy's crazy, right?

/ˈkreɪzi/ /raɪt/

Look, I don't think he's crazy.

/lʊk/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I just think he's suffering from a severe case of girlfriend withdrawal.

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

And unfortunately, you're his nicotine patch.

/ænd/ /hɪz/

And now you have to do what every dysfunctional couple has to do:

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /duː/ /wɒt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /hæz/ /duː/

break up.

/breɪk/ /ʌp/

You're right. You're right. I promised Brad

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

I would go to the wedding with him, and then that is it.

/wʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Good man.

/ɡʊd/ /mæn/

Oh, I think we made the right decision

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /raɪt/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/

going for the custom-made Italian sheets.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fɔːr/

Hey, if my bed's going suit up, it's going to do it right.

/ɪf/ /maɪ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /suːt/ /ʌp/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/

Want to give it a whirl?

/wɒnt/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/

All right, I'm going to head out, hit the bars.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hɛd/ /aʊt/

What are you going to do tonight?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /təˈnaɪt/

Oh, I was just going to watch Letterman but, God this bed is so comfy.

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɒtʃ/ /bʌt/ /bɛd/ /ɪz/

I wish you had a TV in here.

/wɪʃ/ /juː/ /hæd/ /hɪr/

Okay, seriously, what do you do for a living?

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /duː/ /fɔːr/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/

Please.

/pliːz/

I thought you were going out.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /aʊt/

Eh. Eh.

After the monologue.

/ˈæf.tər/

The next morning, as the sun rose over Manhattan,

/nɛkst/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /sʌn/ /roʊz/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

your Uncle Marshall headed over to Brad's apartment

/jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ˈhɛdɪd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

to leave for the wedding in Vermont.

/liːv/ /fɔːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

But when he got there...

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /hiː/ /ðɛr/

No.

/noʊ/

No...

/noʊ/

No.

/noʊ/

No!

/noʊ/

No.

/noʊ/

Ted.

Um, Brad got me flowers.

/miː/ /ˈflaʊərz/

Hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Brad got him flowers.

/hɪm/ /ˈflaʊərz/

I'm sorry. It just got funny again.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /əˈɡɛn/

- Oh, hey... - No, Brad, uh, I don't want to hear it.

/noʊ/ /wɒnt/ /hɪr/ /ɪt/

I do like you. And calla lilies are my favorite flower.

/duː/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /ˈflaʊ.ər/

I don't know how you knew that. I guess you just get me,

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /njuː/ /ðæt/ /ɡɛs/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /miː/

but this is not cool, man. I can't believe that you would...

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /kuːl/ /mæn/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /wʊd/

- Hey, sweetie. - Hey.

/ˈswiːti/

- Hey, Marshall. - Hi, Kara. -Hey, Marshall. -Hi, Kara.

So you guys, are like, back together now?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /laɪk/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /naʊ/

Yeah. Happened last night.

/ˈhæpənd/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Uh, I'm sorry, bro.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /broʊ/

- I should have called you. - Yeah, you should have.

/ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /juː/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/

- Well, I didn't mean to hurt... - Don't, Brad.

/wɛl/ /miːn/ /hɜːrt/

Just don't.

/dʒʌst/

# There was something # # in the air that night #

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɛr/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

# The stars went bright #

/wɛnt/ /braɪt/

Oh, what was with him?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

I think he's in love with me.

/θɪŋk/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /miː/

# Fernando #

I can't believe we just... you and I...

/bɪˈliːv/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /juː/ /ænd/

- what have we done? - Nothing.

/wɒt/ /hæv/ /wiː/ /dʌn/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Nothing happened. We-we just went to sleep.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/ /dʒʌst/ /wɛnt/ /sliːp/

Just went to sleep? I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman

/dʒʌst/ /wɛnt/ /sliːp/ /sliːp/ /seɪm/ /bɛd/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

and not make a move.

/ænd/ /meɪk/ /muːv/

How could... You.

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/

You spooned me against my will.

/juː/ /miː/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /maɪ/ /wɪl/

Hey, it takes two to cuddle.

/ɪt/ /tuː/

We... Ta...

/wiː/

We... Ta...

/wiː/

We redecorated my place.

/wiː/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

We stayed in on a Friday night to watch Letterman,

/wiː/ /ɒn/ /naɪt/ /wɒtʃ/

and then slept together and didn't have sex?

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /slɛpt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

Oh, my God, we're in a relationship.

/maɪ/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

That's what you think a relationship is?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /ɪz/

You were supposed to be the vaccine,

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /ˈvæksiːn/

but you gave me the disease. You gotta go.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /dɪˈziːz/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

Barney. Barney.

I don't think you're mad at me. You're mad at yourself.

/θɪŋk/ /mæd/ /miː/ /mæd/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

You let down your guard, and let someone into your life,

/juː/ /lɛt/ /daʊn/ /jʊr/ /ænd/ /lɛt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

and-and it actually felt okay.

/ɪt/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /fɛlt/

And that terrifies you.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /juː/

Uh-huh. You gotta go.

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/

Hey, you can't just kick me out! I put a lot of work into this place,

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /kɪk/ /miː/ /aʊt/ /pʊt/ /lɒt/ /wɜːrk/ /pleɪs/

and I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living.

/ænd/ /ˈstændərd/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/

A certain standard of living? You didn't pay a single...

/ˈstændərd/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /juː/ /peɪ/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

And so Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, after two weeks of marriage,

/ænd/ /ænd/ /ˈmɪsɪz/ /ˈæf.tər/ /tuː/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

decided to call it quits.

/kɔːl/ /ɪt/

Fortunately, they reached a settlement.

/ðeɪ/

And that's the story of how Aunt Lily furnished her apartment.

/ænd/ /ˈstɔːri/ /haʊ/ /ænt/ /hɜːr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Marshall ran into Brad again some time later.

/ræn/ /əˈɡɛn/ /sʌm/ /taɪm/ /ˈleɪtər/

Oh, my God, it's Brad.

/maɪ/

Laugh like I said something really funny.

/læf/ /laɪk/ /sɛd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈfʌn.i/

Right, right.

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

Hey, Marshall. Hey, Marshall.

Oh, hey, hey, how's it going?

/ɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

It's good.

/ɡʊd/

- Hey, I'm, uh... - Yeah, I know who you are.

/noʊ/ /huː/ /juː/

Well, I got to go. I got this thing.

/wɛl/ /ɡoʊ/ /θɪŋ/

Yeah, me too, but more important.

/miː/ /bʌt/ /mɔːr/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

So, I guess I'll see you around.

/ɡɛs/ /siː/ /juː/ /əˈraʊnd/

Sure. Sure.

/ʃʊr/ /ʃʊr/

Even if you don't believe it, tell me he looks fat.

/ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ɪt/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /hiː/ /fæt/

Totally looks fat.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /fæt/