Season 2 · Tập 6

Kids, when you reach your late 20s you might be surprised

/kɪdz/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /riːtʃ/ /jʊr/ /leɪt/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /sərˈpraɪzd/

to discover you still don't have life quite figured out.

/dɪˈskʌvər/ /juː/ /hæv/ /laɪf/ /kwaɪt/ /aʊt/

Like with Aunt Lily.

/laɪk/ /wɪð/ /ænt/

Even though she was back from San Francisco,

/ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /bæk/ /frænˈsɪskoʊ/

she was still on a quest to find herself.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /faɪnd/

It's just that all I've ever done is teach kindergarten.

/dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /dʌn/ /ɪz/ /tiːtʃ/ /ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/

I want to get out there and change the world.

/wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /wɜːrld/

I want to find my passion.

/wɒnt/ /faɪnd/ /maɪ/

And she did find it.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /dɪd/ /faɪnd/ /ɪt/

I'm going to be a life coach.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /laɪf/

In fact, she found it again and again.

/fækt/ /ʃiː/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ænd/ /əˈɡɛn/

I'm going to be a marine biologist.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /məˈriːn/

...slam poet. ...beekeeper!

/ˈpəʊɪt/

Not a beekeeper.

Her newest lifelong dream?

/hɜːr/ /driːm/

Singing in a punk rock band.

/bænd/

What is she doing for money through all this?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /fɔːr/ /ˈmʌn.i/ /θruː/ /ɔːl/

Oh, she's been waiting tables at Big Wave Luau.

/bɪɡ/

Wait, you mean that Hawaiian place

/weɪt/ /juː/ /miːn/ /ðæt/ /pleɪs/

where they wear those embarrassing outfits?

/wɛr/ /ðeɪ/ /wɛr/ /ðoʊz/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

No.

/noʊ/

Here she comes. Here she comes.

/hɪr/ /ʃiː/ /hɪr/ /ʃiː/

Welcome to Big Wave Luau. May I tiki your drink order?

/ˈwɛlkəm/ /bɪɡ/ /meɪ/ /jʊr/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈɔːrdər/

Aw, crap.

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Oh, hi, Lily. We were just in the neighborhood,

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /dʒʌst/

thought we'd get some lunch. We didn't even know you'd be here.

/θɔːt/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /lʌntʃ/ /wiː/ /ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /biː/ /hɪr/

What do you want?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

Oh, I don't think that's how you're supposed to greet

/θɪŋk/ /haʊ/ /səˈpoʊzd/

a customer at Big Wave Luau.

/bɪɡ/

Aloha, island visitors.

/ˈaɪlənd/

The big wave brought you to our humble luau.

/bɪɡ/ /juː/ /aʊər/ /ˈhʌmbl/

For that, we thank you. Or in my native tongue, mahalo.

/fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /juː/ /maɪ/

I didn't catch your name. Did you guys catch her name?

/jʊr/ /neɪm/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hɜːr/ /neɪm/

No.

/noʊ/

My name is Anuhea.

/maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

It means cool and fragrant,

/ɪt/ /kuːl/ /ænd/

much like any of our 12 specialty drinks.

/mʌtʃ/ /laɪk/ /ˈɛn.i/ /aʊər/ /drɪŋks/

Robin, nothing to add?

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /æd/

No. Lily is my friend and I'm not going to make fun of her

/noʊ/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /meɪk/ /fʌn/ /hɜːr/

for trying to follow her dreams.

/fɔːr/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /hɜːr/ /driːmz/

Thank you.

/juː/

Although, you might want to bring out the big Hawaiian drum

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /wɒnt/ /brɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /bɪɡ/ /drʌm/

because I'm pretty sure today's my birthday.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈprɪti/ /ʃʊr/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɜːrθdeɪ/

Birthday girl!

/ˈbɜːrθdeɪ/ /ɡɜːrl/

I have never needed beer more than I do right now.

/hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /bɪər/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /duː/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I thought you said your semester was gonna be a piece of cake.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /jʊr/ /sɪˈmɛstər/ /wɒz/ /biː/ /piːs/ /keɪk/

I remember because you were eating a piece of cake at the time

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /piːs/ /keɪk/ /taɪm/

and you said, "Dude, my semester is gonna be this."

/ænd/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /maɪ/ /sɪˈmɛstər/ /ɪz/ /biː/

Yeah, well, it was supposed to be,

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/

but my professor's like the toughest grader I've ever seen.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /laɪk/ /ˈɛv.ər/

She had like a bad divorce this summer

/ʃiː/ /hæd/ /laɪk/ /bæd/ /dɪˈvɔːrs/ /ˈsʌmər/

and now she's taking it out on us.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/ /ʌs/

To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /truːθ/ /θɪŋk/ /ʃiː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Laid, you say?

/juː/ /seɪ/

You wouldn't be into her. She's, like, in her late 40s.

/juː/ /biː/ /hɜːr/ /laɪk/ /hɜːr/ /leɪt/

She hot?

/ʃiː/ /hɒt/

Yeah, I guess she's kind of hot, yeah.

/ɡɛs/ /kaɪnd/ /hɒt/

And she's looking for some action.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /sʌm/ /ˈæk.ʃən/

Sounds to me like she could be a cougar.

/miː/ /laɪk/ /ʃiː/ /kʊd/ /biː/

- A what? - A cougar.

/wɒt/

An older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s,

/ˈoʊldər/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /ˈjuː.ʒu.ə.li/ /hɜːr/

single and on the prowl for a younger man.

/ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ænd/ /ɒn/ /fɔːr/ /mæn/

What's a woman in her 60s or 70s-- a turtle?

/ˈwʊm.ən/ /hɜːr/

Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge.

/θɔːt/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/ /əkˈsɛpt/ /jʊr/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/

- I didn't challenge you to have sex... - Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.

/ˈtʃælɪndʒ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

So, I quit my job.

/kwɪt/ /maɪ/ /dʒɒb/

I just couldn't take it anymore.

/dʒʌst/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Approximately 50 times a day, some guy asks me for a lei...

/taɪmz/ /deɪ/ /sʌm/ /ɡaɪ/ /miː/ /fɔːr/

Classic.

/ˈklæsɪk/

Ted, didn't you tell me they need a new assistant in your office?

/juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /ðeɪ/ /niːd/ /njuː/ /əˈsɪstənt/ /jʊr/ /ˈɒfɪs/

Yeah. Yeah.

Somebody did just quit.

/ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /dɪd/ /dʒʌst/ /kwɪt/

So, where should we eat today?

/wɛr/ /ʃʊd/ /wiː/ /iːt/ /təˈdeɪ/

Oh awesome, you brought lunch for everyone?

/ˈɔːsəm/ /juː/ /lʌntʃ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Dude, that is cold-blooded.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

It was an honest mistake.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

Look, when somebody opens up a container with an entire chicken in it,

/lʊk/ /wɛn/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /ˈtʃɪkɪn/ /ɪt/

it's okay to assume they made lunch for everyone.

/ðeɪ/ /lʌntʃ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Ted, that girl didn't quit. You destroyed her.

/ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /kwɪt/ /juː/ /hɜːr/

It was an whole chicken.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /hoʊl/ /ˈtʃɪkɪn/

And did I mention she had 12 sides?

/ænd/ /dɪd/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /ʃiː/ /hæd/

Oh, now you're gonna bash her figure. Real classy, Ted.

/naʊ/ /hɜːr/ /riːl/

So, Lily, what do you say? Do you want the job?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /dʒɒb/

What would I be doing?

/wɒt/ /wʊd/ /biː/

Basically, you're sort of a general office assistant.

/sɔːrt/ /ˈdʒɛnərəl/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /əˈsɪstənt/

You'll sit there. My station is right over here.

/sɪt/ /ðɛr/ /maɪ/ /ˈsteɪʃən/ /ɪz/ /raɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɪr/

And things are a little bit crazy right now

/ænd/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

'cause we're pitching a new building to a big client.

/kɔːz/ /njuː/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈklaɪənt/

- Oh, right, is that the... - Yeah.

/raɪt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Here's the model.

/ˈmɒdəl/

You weren't kidding. It really does look like a giant penis.

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /dʌz/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/

I know.

/noʊ/

For whatever reason, Mr. Druthers just doesn't see it.

/fɔːr/ /ˈriːzən/ /dʒʌst/ /siː/ /ɪt/

How can he not see it?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /hiː/ /siː/ /ɪt/

- I mean there's the... - I know.

/miːn/ /noʊ/

- And the way it... - I know.

/ænd/ /weɪ/ /ɪt/ /noʊ/

- And the two little... - I know.

/ænd/ /tuː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /noʊ/

- Wow, it is just... - Spectacular?

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/

Why, thank you.

/waɪ/ /juː/

Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project.

/ɪz/ /hɛd/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/ /ɒn/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/

Lily's going to be our new office assistant.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /aʊər/ /njuː/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /əˈsɪstənt/

- Ah. - Nice to meet you.

/naɪs/ /miːt/ /juː/

Isn't it?

/ɪt/

Ted, I looked at your design for the penthouse balcony.

/jʊr/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbælkəni/

Tell me, do you want to be an architect?

/tɛl/ /miː/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

I, uh... I am an architect.

/ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Well, my six-year-old nephew plays with Legos.

/wɛl/ /maɪ/ /ˈnɛfjuː/ /pleɪz/ /wɪð/

Is he an architect?

/ɪz/ /hiː/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

Well, not unless he somehow passed all his licensing exams.

/wɛl/ /ənˈlɛs/ /hiː/ /ɔːl/ /hɪz/

Ted, you've got promise.

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/

But you have to study what I do more carefully.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈstʌd.i/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /mɔːr/

Now I want you to design some Styrofoam trees

/naʊ/ /wɒnt/ /juː/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /sʌm/

for the building model.

/fɔːr/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ˈmɒdəl/

- Think you can handle that? - Absolutely.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ˈhændl/ /ðæt/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/

Good. So you're going to design the...

/ɡʊd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /dɪˈzaɪn/

- Styrofoam trees. - Once again-- with feeling.

/wʌns/ /əˈɡɛn/ /wɪð/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/

- Styrofoam trees. - Styrofoam trees!

- Styrofoam trees! - That's the spirit.

Now, gather 'round.

/naʊ/ /ˈɡæðər/ /raʊnd/

This isn't just about trees, Ted. This is about life.

/dʒʌst/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /laɪf/

And sometimes in life, you have to get the trees just right

/ænd/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /laɪf/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ɡɛt/ /dʒʌst/ /raɪt/

or you're fired, hmm?

/faɪərd/

Man, that guy is a total, well...

/mæn/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɪz/ /wɛl/

Okay, wait, wait, wait. That's Professor Lewis's office there.

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /prəˈfɛsər/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /ðɛr/

Okay, let's take a look.

/teɪk/ /lʊk/

Oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

A prime specimen.

See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics.

/siː/ /juː/ /kæn/ /aɪˈdɛntɪfaɪ/ /fjuː/ /kiː/

Start with the hair.

/stɑːrt/ /wɪð/ /hɛr/

The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles

/ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ˈkɜːrənt/

as a form of camouflage.

/fɔːrm/

The prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar

/meɪ/ /ðæt/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

until he's already being dragged, helpless,

/ənˈtɪl/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

back to her lair.

/bæk/ /hɜːr/

Now, the blouse.

/naʊ/

The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible

/ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

to captivate her prey.

/hɜːr/

If you're watching them bounce,

/ɪf/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /ðɛm/

she's about to pounce.

/əˈbaʊt/

See the claws?

/siː/

Long and sharp,

/lɔːŋ/ /ænd/ /ʃɑːrp/

to ward off rival females...

/ɒf/

or open alimony checks.

/ˈoʊ.pən/

Yeah, this one's a beaut.

Okay, let the hunt begin.

/lɛt/ /bɪˈɡɪn/

Wait, wait, wait. I'm not so sure I'm comfortable

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈkʌmftəbl/

with you hunting my constitutional law professor.

/wɪð/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /lɔː/ /prəˈfɛsər/

Who do you rather have grading your papers--

/huː/ /duː/ /juː/ /ˈrɑːðər/ /hæv/ /jʊr/

a savage, man-eating jungle cat,

/kæt/

or a purring, satisfied kitty?

Go, Barney.

/ɡoʊ/

Go mount and stuff that cougar.

/ɡoʊ/ /ænd/ /stʌf/ /ðæt/

Scusi, I am Luigi, Italian exchange student.

/ɪksˈtʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈstuː.dənt/

I was, uh, walking to class,

/wɒz/ /klæs/

but then I noticed you...

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /juː/

bella principessa...

Tell me what you want or get out.

/tɛl/ /miː/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/

Direct.

/dɪˈrɛkt/

I like that.

/laɪk/ /ðæt/

The name's Barney.

What I want... is you.

/wɒt/ /wɒnt/ /ɪz/ /juː/

Turn around.

/tɜːrn/ /əˈraʊnd/

My place. Two hours.

/maɪ/ /pleɪs/ /tuː/ /ˈaʊərz/

Don't be tardy.

/biː/

I can't believe how Mr. Druthers treats people.

/bɪˈliːv/ /haʊ/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

And that building? Talk about overcompensating.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

He's not usually this bad.

/ˈjuː.ʒu.ə.li/ /bæd/

It's just that the partners have made it very clear

/dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /ɪt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /klɪər/

this project is make or break for us,

/ˈprɒdʒɛkt/ /ɪz/ /meɪk/ /breɪk/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/

so lately he's been a little testy.

/ˈlɪt.əl/

You know what I mean-- crotchety.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /miːn/

I'm just saying it's been hard on him.

/dʒʌst/ /hɑːrd/ /ɒn/ /hɪm/

All right stop.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /stɒp/

- Did you show Lily your design? - No.

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ʃoʊ/ /jʊr/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /noʊ/

- What design? - It's nothing.

/wɒt/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

It's fantastic.

Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design.

/dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /fʌn/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /hɪz/ /oʊn/ /dɪˈzaɪn/

And it doesn't look at all like male genitalia.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /lʊk/ /ɔːl/ /laɪk/ /meɪl/

At least, not healthy male genitalia.

/liːst/ /ˈhɛlθi/ /meɪl/

Ted, you should pitch your building to Druthers.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /jʊr/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers.

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

He's a legend. I'm just part of his team.

/ˈlɛdʒənd/ /dʒʌst/ /pɑːrt/ /hɪz/ /tiːm/

This building is huge for the firm,

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /hjuːdʒ/ /fɔːr/

so it's really important we don't blow it.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /wiː/ /ɪt/

All right, enough.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Oh, my God. Incredible.

/maɪ/

Hmm... C-minus. Hmm... C-.

C-minus? What are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

I just pulled an all-nighter!

/dʒʌst/

You didn't budget your time well,

/juː/ /jʊr/ /taɪm/ /wɛl/

you glossed over some of the most important points,

/juː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /sʌm/ /moʊst/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /pɔɪnts/

and your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive.

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /ˌprɛzənˈteɪʃən/ /wɒz/ /ænd/

Mr. Druthers asked if you were making the trees

/ɪf/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

or waiting for them to sprout on their own.

/fɔːr/ /ðɛm/ /ɒn/ /ðɛr/ /oʊn/

Then he stared at me until I laughed.

/ðɛn/ /hiː/ /miː/ /ənˈtɪl/

Okay, I'm done.

/dʌn/

Great. I'll put the paints away. You just go show him.

/ɡreɪt/ /pʊt/ /əˈweɪ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /ʃoʊ/ /hɪm/

Great. Thanks.

/ɡreɪt/

Well, finally.

/wɛl/ /ˈfaɪnəli/

I wondered whether you were making the trees

/ˈwɛðər/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

or waiting for them to sprout on their own.

/fɔːr/ /ðɛm/ /ɒn/ /ðɛr/ /oʊn/

Good one, sir.

/ɡʊd/ /sɜːr/

Anyway, here they are.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /hɪr/ /ðeɪ/

- Too green. - Too green?

/ɡriːn/ /ɡriːn/

Yes, the leaves should really be more of a natural brown color.

/ʃʊd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /biː/ /mɔːr/ /ˈnætʃ.ər.əl/ /ˈkʌlər/

Almost brunette.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/

And think bushier. I want this tower to rise

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /wɒnt/ /raɪz/

from a thicket of wild, ungroomed, brunette shrubbery.

/waɪld/

Can you picture it, Ted?

/kæn/ /juː/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /ɪt/

I can't un-picture it.

/ɪt/

Good.

/ɡʊd/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

It's gone!

/ɡɔːn/

What? What's gone?

/wɒt/ /ɡɔːn/

My baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.

/maɪ/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/ /saɪnd/ /θriː/ /taɪmz/ /roʊz/

Well, it's got to be around here somewhere.

/wɛl/ /biː/ /əˈraʊnd/ /hɪr/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/

What do you think, Ted,

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

it just let itself out of its plastic case and rolled away?

/ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /aʊt/ /ɪts/ /ænd/ /əˈweɪ/

Somebody stole it.

/ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /stoʊl/ /ɪt/

Well, um, I better get back to these Styrofoam trees.

/wɛl/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /ðiːz/

Oh, who cares about the trees?

/huː/ /kɛrz/ /əˈbaʊt/

It's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈbɪzi/ /wɜːrk/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/

Inspiring as always, sir.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /sɜːr/

Lily? Lily?

Where's she put those paints?

/ʃiː/ /pʊt/ /ðoʊz/

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Um, Lily, question for you.

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Why did I find Mr. Druthers' baseball

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /faɪnd/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/

signed three times by Pete Rose in your desk drawer?

/saɪnd/ /θriː/ /taɪmz/ /roʊz/ /jʊr/ /dɛsk/

That's easy. I took it.

/ˈiː.zi/ /tʊk/ /ɪt/

Why?

/waɪ/

It's simple.

/ˈsɪm.pəl/

I can't believe there's no horseradish for the roast beef.

/bɪˈliːv/ /noʊ/ /fɔːr/ /roʊst/ /biːf/

I guess you were sick the day they taught that at Sandwich University.

/ɡɛs/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /sɪk/ /deɪ/ /ðeɪ/ /tɔːt/ /ðæt/ /ˈsænwɪtʃ/ /ˌjuːnɪˈvɜːrsɪti/

Mother, no one from the nursing home is stealing from you.

/ˈmʌð.ər/ /noʊ/ /hoʊm/ /ɪz/ /juː/

I didn't get you a birthday present.

/ɡɛt/ /juː/ /ˈbɜːrθdeɪ/ /ˈprɛz.ənt/

What? You gonna cry?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /kraɪ/

Little crybaby's going to cry?

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /kraɪ/

Hey, everybody, look!

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /lʊk/

The little crybaby's gonna cry!

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /kraɪ/

I lost my ice cream!

/lɒst/ /maɪ/ /aɪs/ /kriːm/

Okay, I may have exaggerated that last one,

/meɪ/ /hæv/ /ðæt/ /læst/

but the point is, he was mean.

/bʌt/ /pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /miːn/

And that's why I took away his ball.

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /tʊk/ /əˈweɪ/ /hɪz/ /bɔːl/

What does his ball have to do with anything?

/wɒt/ /dʌz/ /hɪz/ /bɔːl/ /hæv/ /duː/ /wɪð/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Druthers has to be taught he can't behave like that.

/hæz/ /biː/ /tɔːt/ /hiː/ /bɪˈheɪv/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

When I was teaching kindergarten, whenever a kid was mean,

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/ /kɪd/ /wɒz/ /miːn/

I would take away one of his toys.

/wʊd/ /teɪk/ /əˈweɪ/ /hɪz/

The kid would be upset at first,

/kɪd/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ʌpˈsɛt/ /fɜːrst/

but then he'd learn to stop being mean.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /lɜːrn/ /stɒp/ /miːn/

Hey, guys. What's going on?

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Lily stole my boss' baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.

/stoʊl/ /maɪ/ /bɔːs/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/ /saɪnd/ /θriː/ /taɪmz/ /roʊz/

Why? Was he being mean?

/waɪ/ /wɒz/ /hiː/ /miːn/

- You know about this? - Yeah.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

It's her own personal form of justice.

/hɜːr/ /oʊn/ /ˈpɜːrsənl/ /fɔːrm/ /ˈdʒʌstɪs/

Did you tell him about that time at the Gap?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /hɪm/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

Oh, that was a good one.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/

This sales guy was rude to Robin,

/ɡaɪ/ /wɒz/ /ruːd/

so I took a pair of khakis.

/tʊk/

I gave them to you for your birthday.

/ɡeɪv/ /ðɛm/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /ˈbɜːrθdeɪ/

So I've been walking around in stolen khakis?

/əˈraʊnd/

I prefer to call them "justice khakis."

/prɪˈfɜːr/ /kɔːl/ /ðɛm/ /ˈdʒʌstɪs/

That's not justice. It's shoplifting, and it's a crime.

/ˈdʒʌstɪs/ /ænd/

So is being mean.

/ɪz/ /miːn/

Lily, your little system doesn't even make sense.

/jʊr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈsɪstəm/ /ˈiːvən/ /meɪk/ /sɛns/

In kindergarten, the kid knew why he was being punished.

/ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/ /kɪd/ /njuː/ /waɪ/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

Druthers just thinks someone stole his ball.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /stoʊl/ /hɪz/ /bɔːl/

Well, that's why I left a note.

/wɛl/ /waɪ/ /lɛft/ /noʊt/

- A note? - Yeah.

/noʊt/

When he finds it, he'll understand why his ball was taken away,

/wɛn/ /hiː/ /ɪt/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /waɪ/ /hɪz/ /bɔːl/ /wɒz/ /əˈweɪ/

he'll stop being mean,

/stɒp/ /miːn/

and the office will be a nicer place to work.

/ænd/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /pleɪs/ /wɜːrk/

Maybe he'll even be open to hearing your ideas.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈiːvən/ /biː/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /jʊr/

Look, Lil, we're all tolerating

/lʊk/ /ɔːl/

this prolonged nervous breakdown you're clearly having,

/ˈnɜːrvəs/ /ˈklɪərli/ /ˈhævɪŋ/

with the punk band and the beekeeping and the petty larceny,

/wɪð/ /bænd/ /ænd/ /ænd/

but this is my career you're messing with.

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /kəˈrɪr/ /wɪð/

I'm not sure I like your tone.

/ʃʊr/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/

You know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Now you just lost the ball.

/naʊ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /lɒst/ /bɔːl/

Hey. Hey.

I'd ask you how last night went, but we had a pop quiz today.

/æsk/ /juː/ /haʊ/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /wɛnt/ /bʌt/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /pɒp/ /kwɪz/ /təˈdeɪ/

Nobody got higher than a C-minus.

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ðæn/

I know, I know.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

You claim to have so much sex.

/juː/ /hæv/ /mʌtʃ/ /sɛks/

I only assumed you'd be good at it.

/ˈoʊnli/ /biː/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪt/

Look, I miscalculated.

/lʊk/

I thought she'd be old and fragile, like most cougars.

/θɔːt/ /biː/ /oʊld/ /ænd/ /laɪk/ /moʊst/

But kitty's got claws.

/bʌt/

Don't worry though.

/ˈwʌri/ /ðoʊ/

Tonight, I'm seeing her again.

/təˈnaɪt/ /hɜːr/ /əˈɡɛn/

Just let it go, man. You're making things worse.

/dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /mæn/ /θɪŋz/ /wɜːrs/

I promise you, after tonight, that cougar will be my pet,

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /juː/ /ˈæf.tər/ /təˈnaɪt/ /ðæt/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /maɪ/

and I its master.

/ænd/ /ɪts/ /ˈmæstər/

I think I'm falling in love with you.

/θɪŋk/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Oh, God. That wasn't your first time, was it?

/ðæt/ /jʊr/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/

Although that would explain a lot.

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /ðæt/ /wʊd/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/ /lɒt/

What? No. We had sex yesterday.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /ˈjɛs.tər.deɪ/

Oh, right. That.

/raɪt/ /ðæt/

Well, you had sex yesterday.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /ˈjɛs.tər.deɪ/

I revised my syllabus for the spring semester.

/maɪ/ /fɔːr/ /sprɪŋ/ /sɪˈmɛstər/

When Druthers goes to get his bagel,

/wɛn/ /ɡoʊz/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪz/

I'll go in, grab the note, put the ball back.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡræb/ /noʊt/ /pʊt/ /bɔːl/ /bæk/

If something goes wrong,

/ɪf/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɡoʊz/ /rɒŋ/

yell out, "Who wants espresso?"

/aʊt/ /huː/

so I'll know he's coming. Got it?

/noʊ/ /ɪt/

Okay, now give me the ball.

/naʊ/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /bɔːl/

- No. - What do you mean, no?

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /noʊ/

I mean I stand by what I did, Ted.

/miːn/ /stænd/ /wɒt/ /dɪd/

Come on, Lily. We're running out of time.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /taɪm/

Everybody get in here now!

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪr/ /naʊ/

Who wants espresso?

/huː/

Now, as most of you know,

/naʊ/ /moʊst/ /juː/ /noʊ/

my Pete Rose, Pete Rose, Pete Rose baseball has been stolen.

/maɪ/ /roʊz/ /roʊz/ /roʊz/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/ /hæz/

Well, I just found this note.

/wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /noʊt/

"Dear Mr. Druthers, I, your baseball, am leaving.

/dɪər/ /jʊr/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/

Maybe, if you start being nice, I'll come back.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /stɑːrt/ /naɪs/ /kʌm/ /bæk/

If not, other things in your office may follow my lead.

/ɪf/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /θɪŋz/ /jʊr/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /meɪ/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /maɪ/ /liːd/

In fact, I overheard your iPod talking,

/fækt/ /jʊr/

and he may shuffle off at any minute."

/ænd/ /hiː/ /meɪ/ /ɒf/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Normally, I would scream at everyone until my voice goes,

/ˈnɔːrməli/ /wʊd/ /skriːm/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ənˈtɪl/ /maɪ/ /vɔɪs/ /ɡoʊz/

but maybe that's the wrong reaction here.

/bʌt/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /rɒŋ/ /riˈækʃən/ /hɪr/

Interesting.

/ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/

Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ɛnd/ /deɪ/

to decide he's homesick,

/dɪˈsaɪd/

or, tomorrow morning, I'll begin firing three people an hour.

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /bɪˈɡɪn/ /θriː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

And, if the thief doesn't believe me, well,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /bɪˈliːv/ /miː/ /wɛl/

then you are gambling more than Pete Rose--

/ðɛn/ /juː/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /roʊz/

major league baseball's all-time hit leader,

/ˈmeɪdʒər/ /liːɡ/

a man whose absence from the Hall of Fame is a travesty

/mæn/ /hɔːl/ /ɪz/

to the entire sports world-- ever "allegedly" did!

/ɪnˈtaɪər/ /spɔːrts/ /wɜːrld/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /dɪd/

Wow. Looks like bye-bye, iPod.

/laɪk/

Give him his ball back right now.

/ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /hɪz/ /bɔːl/ /bæk/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

People are going to get fired.

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /faɪərd/

No, they're not. It's just a tantrum, Ted.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/

I saw this in kindergarten all the time.

/sɔː/ /ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

This isn't kindergarten.

/ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/

Mr. Druthers is an adult, and he wants his ball back.

/ɪz/ /ˈædʌlt/ /ænd/ /hiː/ /hɪz/ /bɔːl/ /bæk/

All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /bæk/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ʃoʊ/ /hɪm/ /jʊr/

No. You'll give it back or you're fired.

/noʊ/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /bæk/ /faɪərd/

I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do that.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /dʒʌst/ /duː/ /ðæt/

Then you're fired.

/ðɛn/ /faɪərd/

Fine.

/faɪn/

Here's the ball.

/bɔːl/

At least you have one now.

/liːst/ /juː/ /hæv/ /naʊ/

Dude, you're killing me.

/ˈkɪlɪŋ/ /miː/

You didn't tame the cougar. You just made her angrier.

/juː/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /hɜːr/

Do you not see the PowerBar in my hand?

/duː/ /juː/ /siː/ /maɪ/ /hænd/

I'm fueling up.

/ʌp/

So you're going back over there?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /bæk/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And tonight, just like John Mellencamp,

/ænd/ /təˈnaɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/

I am going to get rid of the "Cougar" once and for all.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /wʌns/ /ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ɔːl/

Get it?

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

'Cause that's what he did with his name.

/kɔːz/ /wɒt/ /hiː/ /dɪd/ /wɪð/ /hɪz/ /neɪm/

I can't stop thinking about you.

/stɒp/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

Please give me another chance.

/pliːz/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /əˈnʌðər/ /tʃæns/

Barney, I teach all day.

/tiːtʃ/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/

It's the last thing I want to do when I get home.

/læst/ /θɪŋ/ /wɒnt/ /duː/ /wɛn/ /ɡɛt/ /hoʊm/

But you don't understand. See, I've been going easy on you,

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /siː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈiː.zi/ /ɒn/ /juː/

holding back, 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something.

/ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /bæk/ /kɔːz/ /wɒz/ /əˈfreɪd/ /breɪk/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

But, this time, no mercy. I don't care how long it takes--

/bʌt/ /taɪm/ /noʊ/ /kɛr/ /haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /ɪt/

days, weeks, half a year.

/hæf/ /jɪr/

Fine. Come in.

/faɪn/ /kʌm/

You can start while I finish grading some papers.

/juː/ /kæn/ /stɑːrt/ /waɪl/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /sʌm/

Hurry up. Clients will be here any moment.

/ˈhʌri/ /ʌp/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /hɪr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

Now, slide it closer to his chair.

/naʊ/ /ɪt/ /hɪz/ /tʃɛr/

I want this thing to really smack him in the face.

/wɒnt/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɪm/ /feɪs/

Mr. Druthers, thank you again for understanding about Lily.

/juː/ /əˈɡɛn/ /fɔːr/ /əˈbaʊt/

Oh. Well, I pity her.

/wɛl/ /hɜːr/

I mean, to steal from my office and then write that slanderous note...

/miːn/ /stiːl/ /maɪ/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /raɪt/ /ðæt/ /noʊt/

You might say that Lily was mentally deranged.

/juː/ /maɪt/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/

You might say that, Ted.

/juː/ /maɪt/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

Lily was mentally deranged.

/wɒz/

You might even say it loud enough for everyone to hear.

/juː/ /maɪt/ /ˈiːvən/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /laʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /hɪr/

Lily was mentally deranged!

/wɒz/

Oh! That's a bit harsh, don't you think, Ted?

/hɑːrʃ/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

The clients are here.

/hɪr/

Excellent. Bring them in.

/ˈɛksələnt/ /brɪŋ/ /ðɛm/

Our client was a major bank and financial services company in Spokane.

/aʊər/ /ˈklaɪənt/ /wɒz/ /ˈmeɪdʒər/ /bæŋk/ /ænd/ /ˈkʌmpəni/

They wanted a modern skyscraper that still captured

/ðeɪ/ /ˈmɒdərn/ /ˈskaɪˌskreɪpər/ /ðæt/

the distinct flavor and history of the Northwest.

/ˈfleɪvər/ /ænd/ /ˈhɪstəri/

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

/ænd/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/

the Spokane National Bank Building.

/ˈnæʃənl/ /bæŋk/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

That's a penis!

That's... that's ridiculous.

There's no way this majestic tower can be confused

/noʊ/ /weɪ/ /kæn/ /biː/ /kənˈfjuːzd/

with the male organ of love.

/wɪð/ /meɪl/ /ˈɔːrɡən/ /lʌv/

We're not building a penis.

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/

You got any other ideas?

/juː/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Other ideas?

/ˈʌð.ər/

You said you wanted Hammond Druthers.

/juː/ /sɛd/ /juː/

This is Hammond Druthers.

/ɪz/

Well, hats off to your ladyfriends,

/wɛl/ /ɒf/ /jʊr/

but I'm not building it.

/bʌt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ɪt/

We're done here.

/dʌn/ /hɪr/

The trajectory of my entire career might have been different

/maɪ/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /kəˈrɪr/ /maɪt/ /hæv/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

had I not unwittingly worn my justice khakis that day.

/hæd/ /maɪ/ /ˈdʒʌstɪs/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/

Wait!

/weɪt/

We have one more idea for you.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /mɔːr/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Ted, what are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

I have another design.

/hæv/ /əˈnʌðər/ /dɪˈzaɪn/

Sit down, shut up right now.

/sɪt/ /daʊn/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

No.

/noʊ/

# Thank you for the invitation #

/juː/ /fɔːr/

# She showed me very nice... #

/ʃiː/ /miː/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /naɪs/

To Ted! The youngest person to ever design a building

/ˈpɜːrsən/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

over 70 stories probably!

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈstɔːriz/ /ˈprɒbəbli/

Probably!

/ˈprɒbəbli/

Congrats, Ted.

Hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to Druthers

/fɔːr/ /miː/ /stænd/ /ʌp/

and pitch my idea.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /nʌn/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ɪf/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Oh. You know what, Ted?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

That was very nice.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /naɪs/

You have earned these screws back.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ðiːz/ /bæk/

Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in.

/sɪt/ /jʊr/ /dɛsk/ /tʃɛr/ /ənˈtɪl/ /pʊt/ /ðɛm/ /bæk/

Hey, I'm project manager now,

/ˈprɒdʒɛkt/ /ˈmænɪdʒər/ /naʊ/

so, if you want your old job back...

/ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /jʊr/ /oʊld/ /dʒɒb/ /bæk/

No, thanks.

/noʊ/

I think I figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

/θɪŋk/ /aʊt/ /wɒt/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /wɛn/ /ɡroʊ/ /ʌp/

Casey, that's not how we treat people.

/haʊ/ /wiː/ /triːt/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

You'll get this back when you learn to be nice.

/ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /lɜːrn/ /biː/ /naɪs/

- Barney! Oh, my God! - What happened?

/maɪ/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

He broke his hip.

/hiː/ /hɪz/

That's not true. It's just temporarily dislocated.

/truː/ /dʒʌst/

Seriously, I'm fine.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /faɪn/

No, he's not fine.

/noʊ/ /faɪn/

Professor Lewis, hi.

/prəˈfɛsər/

Mr. Eriksen. Hello. I graded your paper tonight.

/jʊr/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/ /təˈnaɪt/

I was pleasantly surprised.

/wɒz/ /sərˈpraɪzd/

Yeah, she was.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/

B-plus. B+.

B-plus?!

Marshall, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physical therapy,

/ˈæf.tər/ /ɡɔːn/ /θruː/ /maɪ/ /eɪt/ /ˈfɪzɪkl/ /ˈθɛrəpi/

I am going to get you that "A"!

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/ /ðæt/

Let her go.

/lɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ɡoʊ/

She belongs out there in the wild.

/ʃiː/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /waɪld/

You should feel proud.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /fiːl/ /praʊd/

You fought the cougar and lived.

/juː/ /ænd/

It was an amazing safari.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

I can't wait to show you guys the slides.

/weɪt/ /ʃoʊ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/