Season 3 · Tập 1

Kids, there more than one story of how I met your mother.

/kɪdz/ /ðɛr/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ˈstɔːri/ /haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

You know the short version, the thing with your mom's yellow umbrella.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ʃɔːrt/ /ˈvɜːrʒən/ /θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈjɛloʊ/ /ʌmˈbrɛlə/

But there's a bigger story.

/bʌt/ /ˈstɔːri/

The story of how I became who I had to become before I could meet her.

/ˈstɔːri/ /haʊ/ /huː/ /hæd/ /bɪˈkʌm/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /kʊd/ /miːt/ /hɜːr/

And that story begins, here.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/ /hɪr/

...dary!

Legendary!

Dude, I am so excited that you're single again.

/ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /ðæt/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /əˈɡɛn/

We are going to conquer New York City.

/wiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

I already have a girl from work lined up for you.

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hæv/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɜːrk/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Right boob bigger than the left boob,

/raɪt/ /ðæn/ /lɛft/

which some choose to look at as bra half empty,

/wɪtʃ/ /sʌm/ /tʃuːz/ /lʊk/ /hæf/ /ˈɛmpti/

I choose to look at as bra half full.

/tʃuːz/ /lʊk/ /hæf/ /fʊl/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

Robin and I broke up two weeks ago.

/ænd/ /ʌp/ /tuː/ /əˈɡoʊ/

I'm... I'm not ready.

/ˈrɛd.i/

When will you be ready?

/wɛn/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /biː/ /ˈrɛd.i/

It was a good question.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

After a big relationship ends, you need some time to recuperate.

/ˈæf.tər/ /bɪɡ/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /juː/ /niːd/ /sʌm/ /taɪm/

Robin took a trip to Argentina, and I went through my usual routine.

/tʊk/ /trɪp/ /ˌɑːrdʒənˈtiːnə/ /ænd/ /wɛnt/ /θruː/ /maɪ/ /ruːˈtiːn/

I grew my breakup beard.

/maɪ/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

Ted Mosby, suit up,

/suːt/ /ʌp/

'cause here's the plan. There's a Miss Nassau County pageant.

/kɔːz/ /plæn/ /mɪs/

We'll pretend to be judges and, yes, our votes are for sale.

/biː/ /ænd/ /aʊər/ /fɔːr/

I'm not ready.

/ˈrɛd.i/

I repainted the apartment.

/əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Finish Line of a women's 10K.

/ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /laɪn/

Salty girls on an endorphin high who just want to lie down.

/ˈsɔːlti/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ɒn/ /haɪ/ /huː/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /laɪ/ /daʊn/

- Yeah. - I'm not ready.

/ˈrɛd.i/

And the truth is, I was doing really good.

/ænd/ /truːθ/ /ɪz/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡʊd/

Female acrobats from Montreal. Super flexible.

/ˈfiːmeɪl/ /ˈsuːpər/ /ˈflɛksɪbl/

We are going to get Cirque de So-Laid.

/wiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/

What up?

/wɒt/ /ʌp/

Barney, come on, we've covered this. I'm not...

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

I just got in last night.

/dʒʌst/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Um, uh, this is Gael.

/ɪz/

Hola. Hola.

Okay, I'm ready.

/ˈrɛd.i/

How I Met Your Mother 3x01 - Wait For It - How I Met Your Mother 3x01 - Wait For It -

/haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

I just can't believe her.

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈliːv/ /hɜːr/

We have this totally amicable split, everything's cool.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /splɪt/ /kuːl/

And she comes back from vacation with that guy?

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /bæk/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

You know what she's doing?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

She's trying to win the breakup.

/wɪn/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

What do you mean "win thebreakup", old-timey inventor?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /wɪn/

What our 21st president, Chester A. Arthur, is trying to say,

/wɒt/ /aʊər/ /ɪz/ /seɪ/

is that in every breakup there are winners and a losers.

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/

It's not a competition.

/ˌkɒmpɪˈtɪʃən/

Now, your 80-day balloon race around the world, that was a competition.

/naʊ/ /jʊr/ /deɪ/ /reɪs/ /əˈraʊnd/ /wɜːrld/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˌkɒmpɪˈtɪʃən/

That's my wife.

/maɪ/ /waɪf/

Of course it's a competition, Lil.

/kɔːrs/ /ˌkɒmpɪˈtɪʃən/

How else do you explain... what's his name?

/haʊ/ /ɛls/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/ /hɪz/ /neɪm/

Gael. Gael.

I'm sorry, Gayle?

/ˈsɒr.i/

Gael. Gael.

Kyle?

Gael. Gael.

Girl?

/ɡɜːrl/

It's pronounced "guy-el."

It means "joyful."

/ɪt/ /ˈdʒɔɪfəl/

That is why I live my life by bringing joy,

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /waɪ/ /lɪv/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /ˈbrɪŋɪŋ/

good energy and happiness to others.

/ɡʊd/ /ˈɛnərdʒi/ /ænd/ /ˈʌðərz/

Especially those less fortunate that I.

/ɪˈspɛʃəli/ /ðoʊz/ /lɛs/ /ðæt/

I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?

/ˈsɒr.i/

What a jerk.

/wɒt/ /dʒɜːrk/

I don't go to your stupid country and try to seduce women with my sexy accent.

/ɡoʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈkʌn.tri/ /ænd/ /traɪ/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/

That's a great point, Persian nightclub owner.

/ɡreɪt/ /pɔɪnt/

Oh, and he's a masseuse.

/ænd/

With a massage,

/wɪð/

everything is connected.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɪz/

I can touch your foot, cleanse your kidney.

/kæn/ /tʌtʃ/ /jʊr/ /fʊt/ /jʊr/

I can touch your earlobe, and slow your heartbeat.

/kæn/ /tʌtʃ/ /jʊr/ /ænd/ /sloʊ/ /jʊr/

One time, I used warm water to make a guy pee.

/taɪm/ /wɔːrm/ /ˈwɔː.tər/ /meɪk/ /ɡaɪ/ /piː/

Of course, I didn't make a career out of it.

/kɔːrs/ /meɪk/ /kəˈrɪr/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/

Career?

/kəˈrɪr/

Such an American idea.

/sʌtʃ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

My career is living.

/maɪ/ /kəˈrɪr/ /ɪz/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/

Windsurfing.

Making love.

/lʌv/

Sometimes at the same time.

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /seɪm/ /taɪm/

How? How would one do that exactly?

/haʊ/ /haʊ/ /wʊd/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

Seriously, don't giggle. Tell me.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /tɛl/ /miː/

Not possible. You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board.

/ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /juː/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /ɒn/ /bɔːrd/

- How do you know? - Glad you asked, Lily.

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɡlæd/ /juː/

I have crafted a list of every vehicle...

/hæv/ /lɪst/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈviːɪkəl/

land-based, aquatic and airborne...

/ænd/

in which/on which it's possible to have sex.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɒn/ /wɪtʃ/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

And of those 33 vehicles, I have had sex in/on 31.

/ænd/ /ðoʊz/ /hæv/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /ɒn/

Windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible.

/bɔːrd/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

Oh, P.S., in orderto hit 33,

all I need is bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.

/ɔːl/ /niːd/ /ɪz/ /ænd/ /speɪs/

To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.

/ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /læst/ /hæv/ /breɪk/

This conversation never happened.

/ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈhæpənd/

All right, you're suited up, I'm bearded down.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ʌp/ /daʊn/

- Let's get out there and win this thing. - Yes!

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /wɪn/ /θɪŋ/

You guys, have fun on your double date.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæv/ /fʌn/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /ˈdʌbəl/ /deɪt/

Oh, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry, there was a lull.

/fɔːr/ /taɪm/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/

And then we fell asleep on the beach while counting the stars.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wiː/ /əˈsliːp/ /ɒn/ /biːtʃ/ /waɪl/

Do you want to have dinner with me? Uh, us?

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /hæv/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /ʌs/

There was no lull.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/

- You just think he's incredibly hot. - No, I don't!

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /hɒt/ /noʊ/

Not incredibly.

It's a little hard to believe how hot he is.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /hɑːrd/ /bɪˈliːv/ /haʊ/ /hɒt/ /hiː/ /ɪz/

But, I mean, she's not serious about him.

/bʌt/ /miːn/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɪm/

The girl never marries the hot guy.

/ɡɜːrl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hɒt/ /ɡaɪ/

Well, you did.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /dɪd/

I'm one of the lucky few.

/ˈlʌki/ /fjuː/

Lily, Ted is our best friend, so let's get something straight:

/ɪz/ /aʊər/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /streɪt/

Male Gayle is not hot.

/meɪl/ /ɪz/ /hɒt/

He's not our friend. Don't even look at him.

/aʊər/ /frɛnd/ /ˈiːvən/ /lʊk/ /hɪm/

Just... no eye contact.

/dʒʌst/ /noʊ/ /aɪ/ /ˈkɒntækt/

So that night, as Lily and Marshall did their best to hate Gael...

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /ænd/ /dɪd/ /ðɛr/ /bɛst/ /heɪt/

Hey, Robin. Gael.

Robin pulled me aside to check in.

/miː/ /tʃɛk/

Now, I'm sure she meant the best,

/naʊ/ /ʃʊr/ /ʃiː/ /bɛst/

but she said the worst.

/bʌt/ /ʃiː/ /sɛd/ /wɜːrst/

I just want to make sure you're okay with this.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /wɪð/

"I just want to make sure you're okay with this"?

/dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /wɪð/

Damn it! I can't believe she's the one that gets to say that.

/ɪt/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ðæt/ /ɡɛts/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

She's winning, isn't she?

/ˈwɪnɪŋ/ /ʃiː/

Not for long. Okay, pep talk.

/fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /tɔːk/

Take a knee.

/teɪk/

Ted, tonight we're going to get you someone way hotter than Robin.

/təˈnaɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /weɪ/ /ˈhɒtər/ /ðæn/

Okay, Robin's a ten.

/tɛn/

Fine, we'll get you a 12.

/faɪn/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/

Or, you know... two sixes.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /tuː/

Failing that, four threes.

/ðæt/

And break glass in case of emergency,

/ænd/ /breɪk/ /ɡlæs/ /ɪˈmɜːrdʒənsi/

we'll go to Staten Island, I'll get you 12 ones.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈaɪlənd/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/

Ted, my boy, I am going to re-teach you how...

/maɪ/ /bɔɪ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /juː/ /haʊ/

- Amy. - Ted. - Amy. - Ted.

Barney. Barney.

Ted, we are back!

/wiː/ /bæk/

Up here.

/ʌp/ /hɪr/

Up high.

/ʌp/ /haɪ/

Fivin' it up five-style!

/ɪt/ /ʌp/

I'm sorry this is all so weird.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/

Weird, why would it be weird?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /ɪt/ /biː/

Because you used to date our best friend or because my wife

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /deɪt/ /aʊər/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/

thinks your new boyfriend is incredibly hot?

/jʊr/ /njuː/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /ɪz/ /hɒt/

I do not! Shut up! Oh, my God!

/duː/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/ /maɪ/

- I just hope Ted's okay. - Hmm.

/dʒʌst/ /hoʊp/

I hate to see you so tense.

/heɪt/ /siː/ /juː/

I mean, we had a really clean break up, you know?

/miːn/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /kliːn/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /juː/ /noʊ/

We really acted like adults, so the last thing... oh!

/wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /laɪk/ /læst/ /θɪŋ/

Gael, are you a properly licensed massage therapist?

/juː/ /ˈprɒpərli/

What?

/wɒt/

Are you legally certified by some type of governing entity?

/juː/ /sʌm/ /taɪp/

I train for three years at an institute in Buenos Aires.

/treɪn/ /fɔːr/ /θriː/ /ˈɪnstɪtjuːt/

I have a card. I can show you.

/hæv/ /kæn/ /ʃoʊ/ /juː/

Is the card laminated?

/ɪz/

- What do you mean "laminated"? - Covered in protective plastic.

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

- Oh, yes. - Damn it.

/ɪt/

He checks out.

/hiː/ /aʊt/

Ted. Ted. Ted. Ted.

- Ted. Ted. - What!?

/wɒt/

Let's bail, this place is dead.

/pleɪs/ /ɪz/ /dɛd/

Yeah, you're right. We're both totally striking out.

/raɪt/ /boʊθ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /aʊt/

Exactly, plus, we're on a tight schedule.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /plʌs/ /ɒn/ /taɪt/ /ˈskɛdʒuːl/

I've got this entire evening perfectly planned out... spoiler alert:

/ɪnˈtaɪər/ /ˈiːvnɪŋ/ /aʊt/

our last stop is an after hours club so after hours, it's three days from now.

/aʊər/ /læst/ /stɒp/ /ɪz/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈaʊərz/ /klʌb/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈaʊərz/ /θriː/ /naʊ/

What up.

/wɒt/ /ʌp/

Are you blind? I'm making out with a 12.

/juː/ /blaɪnd/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/

- I am winning. - Yeah, but I didn't get to help.

/ˈwɪnɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /ɡɛt/ /hɛlp/

So you're saying you want me to throw away

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /θroʊ/ /əˈweɪ/

a super hot girl just because you didn't help me get her?

/ˈsuːpər/ /hɒt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /hɛlp/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/

Apology accepted. Let's go.

/ɡoʊ/

- Who's the suit? - This is Barney.

/suːt/ /ɪz/

- Barney, Amy. - I'm not gonna remember that.

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/

Now, if you'll exse me, random chick from earlier tonight,

/naʊ/ /ɪf/ /miː/ /tʃɪk/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /təˈnaɪt/

as you shall henceforth be known, Ted and I have a schedule to keep.

/juː/ /ʃæl/ /biː/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈskɛdʒuːl/ /kiːp/

Well, you can check off 8:54, dress up like a dork and bother the cool kids.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /kæn/ /tʃɛk/ /ɒf/ /drɛs/ /ʌp/ /laɪk/ /ænd/ /ˈbɒðər/ /kuːl/ /kɪdz/

Beat it, nerd.

/biːt/ /ɪt/

Wow. Wow. Great stuff, Tommy Lee.

/ɡreɪt/ /stʌf/

See, what you don't understand is I'm Ted's wingman.

/siː/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /ɪz/

It's a sacred bond, much stronger than any... They're making out again.

/bɒnd/ /mʌtʃ/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /aʊt/ /əˈɡɛn/

Massage therapist.

And you know what, "Gayle"?

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Your piece of chicken looks a little tense to me.

/jʊr/ /piːs/ /ˈtʃɪkɪn/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /miː/

Oh, oh, does that feel good, Mr. Chicken?

/dʌz/ /ðæt/ /fiːl/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈtʃɪkɪn/

Well, guess what?

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/

I didn't wash my hands.

/wɒʃ/ /maɪ/ /hændz/

Got him.

/hɪm/

Lily! Lily!

We carry so much ancient emotion in our neck and shoulders.

/wiː/ /mʌtʃ/ /aʊər/ /nɛk/ /ænd/

Things we should have let go of years ago.

/θɪŋz/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /lɛt/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈɡoʊ/

I forgive you, Mom.

/fərˈɡɪv/ /juː/ /mɒm/

Lily, we are Ted's best friends. Our job is to hate that guy.

/wiː/ /bɛst/ /frɛndz/ /aʊər/ /dʒɒb/ /ɪz/ /heɪt/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

Oh, yeah, that's what I was doing.

/wɒt/ /wɒz/

I was just building him up so

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/

a few minutes later, I could totally cut him down.

/fjuː/ /ˈleɪtər/ /kʊd/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /kʌt/ /hɪm/ /daʊn/

Weren't you wearing a bra?

/juː/

The night was going great.

/naɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡreɪt/

Amy was cool and dangerous.

/wɒz/ /kuːl/ /ænd/ /ˈdeɪndʒərəs/

She found a friend for Barney.

/ʃiː/ /frɛnd/ /fɔːr/

She even paid for drinks... sort of.

/ʃiː/ /ˈiːvən/ /fɔːr/ /drɪŋks/ /sɔːrt/

They know us here. You're gonna get us in trouble.

/ðeɪ/ /noʊ/ /ʌs/ /hɪr/ /ɡɛt/ /ʌs/ /ˈtrʌbəl/

Tell me something. Do you ask your tailor to leave extra room in the crotch

/tɛl/ /miː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /duː/ /juː/ /æsk/ /jʊr/ /liːv/ /ˈɛkstrə/ /ruːm/

for your huge vagina?

/fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /hjuːdʒ/

You... your vagina...

/juː/ /jʊr/

Ted, this chick is crazy. We're leaving.

/tʃɪk/ /ɪz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Good idea. Let's all go back to my place.

/ɡʊd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ɔːl/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

Your place? Thanks but no thanks, 1994 Courtney Love.

/jʊr/ /pleɪs/ /bʌt/ /noʊ/ /lʌv/

I have a hot tub.

/hæv/ /hɒt/

Okay, this is actually pretty nice.

/ɪz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈprɪti/ /naɪs/

I like your tatts.

/laɪk/ /jʊr/

Thanks, you can play with them if you want.

/juː/ /kæn/ /pleɪ/ /wɪð/ /ðɛm/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

They're a hundred percent real.

/ˈhʌndrəd/ /pərˈsɛnt/ /riːl/

No, your tatts... toos, your tattoos.

/noʊ/ /jʊr/ /jʊr/

Thanks.

- You should get one. - Wrong!

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /rɒŋ/

Ted has a classic clean-cut-look

/hæz/ /ˈklæsɪk/

that never goes out of style season after season, burn.

/ðæt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡoʊz/ /aʊt/ /staɪl/ /ˈæf.tər/ /bɜːrn/

Yeah? Well, I think he would look hot with some ink.

/wɛl/ /θɪŋk/ /hiː/ /wʊd/ /lʊk/ /hɒt/ /wɪð/ /sʌm/

- No, he wouldn't. - Yes, he would.

/noʊ/ /hiː/ /hiː/ /wʊd/

No, he wouldn't.

/noʊ/ /hiː/

I'm ready to do anything you want by the way. Anything.

/ˈrɛd.i/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /weɪ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Right now.

/raɪt/ /naʊ/

Ted, who are you gonna side with on this tattoo thing?

/huː/ /juː/ /saɪd/ /wɪð/ /ɒn/ /θɪŋ/

I think I'd look way hot with some ink.

/θɪŋk/ /lʊk/ /weɪ/ /hɒt/ /wɪð/ /sʌm/

- Yeah, you would. - Yeah.

/juː/ /wʊd/

Oh, my God! Tyler?

/maɪ/

Mommy! Daddy! She's back!

/ˈmɒmi/ /ˈdædi/ /bæk/

Damn it, they're supposed to be in the Hamptons. Run!

/ɪt/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /rʌn/

Sorry. I used to nanny for those jerks before they fired me.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /fɔːr/ /ðoʊz/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ðeɪ/ /faɪərd/ /miː/

- So unfair. - Unfair?

/ʌnˈfɛr/ /ʌnˈfɛr/

I wouldn't let you take care of the imaginary kids I make up

/lɛt/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /kɛr/ /kɪdz/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/

to score with single moms.

/skɔːr/ /wɪð/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

That's it, Ted. We're going home.

/ɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hoʊm/

Ted? Ted?

Ted, you okay?

/juː/

Hello, Ted.

Robin and I are about to make fantastic aquatic sex on this windsurfing board.

/ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /meɪk/ /sɛks/ /ɒn/ /bɔːrd/

And I just want to make sure you're okay with this.

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /wɪð/

- Okay, how do we this? - I think your leg goes up, up...

/haʊ/ /duː/ /wiː/ /θɪŋk/ /jʊr/ /lɛɡ/ /ɡoʊz/ /ʌp/ /ʌp/

- Okay, how about if I, um... - No, mine...

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪf/ /noʊ/ /maɪn/

I'm okay.

In fact, here's how okay I am.

/fækt/ /haʊ/

- I'm getting a tattoo. - You're not getting a tattoo,

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

it's not you.

/juː/

Ted, you are heading down a dark path.

/juː/ /daʊn/ /dɑːrk/

That dark path is my driveway.

/ðæt/ /dɑːrk/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/

But you need a plan and you need a wingman!

/bʌt/ /juː/ /niːd/ /plæn/ /ænd/ /juː/ /niːd/

This is so going in my blog!

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /maɪ/

Want to have sex?

/wɒnt/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

Okay.

And underneath, it should say, "I win."

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /ʃʊd/ /seɪ/ /wɪn/

And then it should have flames coming out the bottom.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /aʊt/

Fire!

/faɪər/

We should start a fire.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /stɑːrt/ /faɪər/

After this maybe.

/ˈæf.tər/ /ˈmeɪbi/

Oh, man, this is going to be legend... Wait for it.

/mæn/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /ˈlɛdʒənd/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

And that's all I remember.

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

The next morning, I woke up alone, back home.

/nɛkst/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /əˈloʊn/ /bæk/ /hoʊm/

Hey, buddy, how was your night?

/ˈbʌdi/ /haʊ/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/ /naɪt/

You know, it was great.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡreɪt/

I met this crazy girl, I almost got a tattoo.

/ˈkreɪzi/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/

Don't worry. I didn't, but it was...

/ˈwʌri/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

It was amazing.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

I think it's safe to say, I am winning this breakup.

/θɪŋk/ /seɪf/ /seɪ/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

Look.

/lʊk/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

- What? - Nothing.

/wɒt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

This J. Crew catalog.

Who brings two Golden Retrievers in a canoe?

/huː/ /brɪŋz/ /tuː/

- We got to call Barney. - Way ahead of you.

/wiː/ /kɔːl/ /weɪ/ /juː/

Hey, guys, what's the big emergency?

/ɡaɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /ɪˈmɜːrdʒənsi/

Oh, and B the W: I am never speaking to Ted again.

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈspiːkɪŋ/ /əˈɡɛn/

Really? Never?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass?

/ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /seɪ/ /aʊt/ /hɪz/

What?

/wɒt/

Ted? Could you grab me the fondue pot?

/kʊd/ /juː/ /ɡræb/ /miː/ /pɒt/

He has no idea.

/hiː/ /hæz/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

- Mm-hmm. - And up we go.

/ænd/ /ʌp/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Thank you.

/juː/

What?

/wɒt/

- Ted? - Mm? - Ted?

I came here this morning because...

/hɪr/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

- I want to apologize. - Apology accepted, Barney.

/wɒnt/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/

As you can see, I do just fine on my own. I don't need a baby-sitter.

/juː/ /kæn/ /siː/ /duː/ /dʒʌst/ /faɪn/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/ /niːd/

See, all this time, I thought you needed a wingman to fly, but the truth is, you...

/siː/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/ /θɔːt/ /juː/ /flaɪ/ /bʌt/ /truːθ/ /ɪz/ /juː/

you've got your own wings now.

/jʊr/ /oʊn/ /wɪŋz/ /naʊ/

Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating.

/sɪns/ /juː/ /ænd/ /splɪt/

Growing in your cocoon.

/ˈɡroʊɪŋ/ /jʊr/

And last night... ...you burst out of that cocoon

/ænd/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/

like a... like a majestic, uh...

/laɪk/ /laɪk/

Gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon?

/ɡɒʃ/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /aʊt/

I was always bad at science.

/wɒz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /bæd/

He's going to say it!

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/

A butterfly?

- What? - Nothing, buddy.

/wɒt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈbʌdi/

Ow! Why did that hurt so...?

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /ðæt/ /hɜːrt/

Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

- I have a tattoo! - Oh, that's not a tattoo.

/hæv/

That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.

/ðæt/ /dɪər/ /bɔɪ/ /ɪz/

A tramp stamp.

You know, a ho tag. Ass antlers.

/juː/ /noʊ/

A Panama City license plate.

/ˈsɪt.i/

And suddenly, it all came back to me.

/ænd/ /ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /bæk/ /miː/

...dary!

Legendary!

Man, I am so winning this breakup.

/mæn/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

I just broke up with my boyfriend Steve.

/dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

He was totally annoying.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /əˈnɔɪɪŋ/

He was, like, "I think you're the one, I want to marry you."

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/ /θɪŋk/ /wɒnt/ /ˈmæri/ /juː/

What a wuss.

/wɒt/

Do you think exes can be friends?

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /kæn/ /biː/ /frɛndz/

Yeah, sure. I mean, we're still friends, right, Steve?

/ʃʊr/ /miːn/ /frɛndz/ /raɪt/

Hey, your name is Steve.

/jʊr/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

And her ex-boyfriend's name is Steve.

/ænd/ /hɜːr/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

What are the odds of that...?

/wɒt/ /ðæt/

Wait.

/weɪt/

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Give me this.

/ɡɪv/ /miː/

- Oh, yeah, that'll get it out. - Maybe you should try club soda.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /traɪ/ /klʌb/

Damn it, it really hurts. I need, like, some ointment or something.

/ɪt/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɜːrts/ /niːd/ /laɪk/ /sʌm/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Spanish massage oil.

/ɔɪl/

Spanish massage oil?

/ɔɪl/

What happened here last night?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /hɪr/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Last night got weird.

/læst/ /naɪt/

Feel the emotions release.

/fiːl/

Think I just got over being chunky in the ninth grade.

/θɪŋk/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ɡreɪd/

You're beautiful.

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

I am beautiful.

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

Experience your food.

/ɪkˈspɪəriəns/ /jʊr/ /fuːd/

Try the mango.

/traɪ/

Okay, that's enough of the fruit.

/ɪˈnʌf/

We're sorry, Ted. It'll never happen again.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈhæpən/ /əˈɡɛn/

It meant nothing to us. It just felt really, really, really good.

/ɪt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ʌs/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /fɛlt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡʊd/

I can't even look at you two right now.

/ˈiːvən/ /lʊk/ /juː/ /tuː/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

He got a tramp stamp.

/hiː/

All right, first of all, this isn't one of those,

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /fɜːrst/ /ɔːl/ /ðoʊz/

"I came all the way over here because I want you back" things.

/ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɪr/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒnt/ /juː/ /bæk/ /θɪŋz/

There'll be no startling confession of love,

/biː/ /noʊ/ /lʌv/

no sweet indie rock song that swells up we're about to kiss,

/noʊ/ /swiːt/ /sɒŋ/ /ðæt/ /ʌp/ /əˈbaʊt/ /kɪs/

- none of that crap. Got it? - Okay.

/nʌn/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/

Good. Now, here's the thing.

/ɡʊd/ /naʊ/ /θɪŋ/

It sucks that you came back from Argentina with someone as awesome as Gael.

/ɪt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /bæk/ /ˌɑːrdʒənˈtiːnə/ /wɪð/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ˈɔːsəm/

And I know I have no right to be upset at you.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /raɪt/ /biː/ /ʌpˈsɛt/ /juː/

We're broken up, life goes on, whatever.

/ʌp/ /laɪf/ /ɡoʊz/ /ɒn/

But you know what? We-We never did this.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /dɪd/

We-We had this polite breakup with no irrational yelling, and...

/hæd/ /pəˈlaɪt/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/ /wɪð/ /noʊ/ /ænd/

and that's just wrong!

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /rɒŋ/

So, I'm going to yell irrationally for a little while,

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /waɪl/

and you're just going to have to stand there and deal with it, okay?

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hæv/ /stænd/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /diːl/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

- If you feel like you need to do that... - I think I do!

/ɪf/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /niːd/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋk/ /duː/

I really think I do! So now I'm yelling!

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/ /duː/ /naʊ/

- You shaved. - I did!

/juː/ /dɪd/

- I liked the beard. - I liked it, too,

/ɪt/

but it was getting kind of hot!

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /kaɪnd/ /hɒt/

Maybe in the winter, I'll grow it back out!

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈwɪntər/ /ɡroʊ/ /ɪt/ /bæk/ /aʊt/

Okay, I'm done.

/dʌn/

I know it was weird showing up with Gael.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Look, us breaking up, it was the right thing.

/lʊk/ /ʌs/ /ʌp/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/ /θɪŋ/

But it took some time to get over you, you know?

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /tʊk/ /sʌm/ /taɪm/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /juː/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I-I'm still getting over you.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /juː/

But you? You were over it the minute they started the in-flight movie.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈmuːvi/

Over it?!

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ɪt/

My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out.

/maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /θriː/ /ˌɑːrdʒənˈtiːnə/ /maɪ/ /aɪz/ /aʊt/

I missed you so much.

/mɪst/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/

I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is...

/ɡoʊ/ /ænd/ /pruːv/ /haʊ/ /bʌt/ /truːθ/ /ɪz/

it was really lonely.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈloʊnli/

And that's why Gael happened.

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /ˈhæpənd/

You weren't trying to win the breakup?

/juː/ /wɪn/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

I was trying to survive it.

/wɒz/ /sərˈvaɪv/ /ɪt/

See, look, that all sounds good,

/siː/ /lʊk/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /ɡʊd/

and we'll still be friends and move on, but...

/ænd/ /biː/ /frɛndz/ /ænd/ /muːv/ /ɒn/ /bʌt/

did he have to be so hot?

/dɪd/ /hiː/ /hæv/ /biː/ /hɒt/

- The guy's an Adonis. - He's not an Adonis.

He's the Cadillac of rebound guys. Marshall has a crush on him!

/ɡaɪz/ /hæz/ /ɒn/ /hɪm/

- The guy's perfect. - He's not perfect.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

Oh, come on. He's hot,

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /hɒt/

he wind surfs, he massages things.

/hiː/ /wɪnd/ /hiː/ /θɪŋz/

Name one way I'm better than that guy.

/neɪm/ /weɪ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

You're bigger.

Don't patronize me. If anything, he may even be a little bit taller.

/miː/ /ɪf/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /hiː/ /meɪ/ /ˈiːvən/ /biː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

No. Ted... you're bigger.

/noʊ/

I win!

/wɪn/

Kids, I can't remember exactly what helped me get through

/kɪdz/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /hɛlpt/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/ /θruː/

the whole Robin-Gael incident.

/hoʊl/

I'm sure that it was something profound and meaningful,

/ʃʊr/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ænd/

and not at all macho and petty,

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /ænd/

but after that, I was back on my feet.

/bʌt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /bæk/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /fiːt/

And what followed was a new era in my life,

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /njuː/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

a crazy time unlike anything that ce before.

/ˈkreɪzi/ /taɪm/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

It's funny looking back at those days,

/ˈfʌn.i/ /bæk/ /ðoʊz/

knowing now exactly what I was heading towards.

/naʊ/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/

And what was heading towards me.

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /miː/

Go for Barney.

/ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/

Hey, man, it's Marshall.

/mæn/

Check your e-mail. Sent you something.

/tʃɛk/ /jʊr/ /sɛnt/ /juː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

- What is it? - Just a new Web site.

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /njuː/ /wɛb/ /saɪt/

Slapcountdown.com. Slapcountdown.com. (chongayantat.com)

/kɒm/ /kɒm/ /kɒm/

What does this mean?

/wɒt/ /dʌz/ /miːn/

Ma-Marshall? Ma-Marshall?

No.

/noʊ/

No!

/noʊ/