Season 3 · Tập 12

But by 2008, we'd all had enough.

/bʌt/ /ɔːl/ /hæd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Well, most of us.

/wɛl/ /moʊst/ /ʌs/

Who wants to kiss The Barney Stone?

/huː/ /kɪs/

- Look, it's the Riddler. - That's not the Riddler.

/lʊk/

That's Gumby.

Hey, Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /taɪ/ /juː/ /ˈleɪtər/

Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury?

/ˈpleɪər/ /ˈɪndʒəri/

All right, laugh all you want,

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /læf/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

but this is my lucky St. Patty's Day suit.

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈlʌki/ /deɪ/ /suːt/

I have dry-cleaned many a stain off of this baby.

/hæv/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ɒf/ /ˈbeɪbi/

You know why it's lucky?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /ˈlʌki/

'Cause it's green, the color of go, as in let's.

/kɔːz/ /ɡriːn/ /ˈkʌlər/ /ɡoʊ/

Uh, Barney, we, uh...

/wiː/

we talked this over, and, uh,

/wiː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/

we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year.

/deɪ/ /jɪr/

Come on. Let's...

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Are you s...

/juː/

Wow. Okay.

I think I got to lie down.

/θɪŋk/ /laɪ/ /daʊn/

Can we shoot pool on you?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /ʃuːt/ /ɒn/ /juː/

No! No!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

Unacceptable!

That's so not Raven!

What are you gonna do instead?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪnˈstɛd/

We just got the keys to our new apartment,

/wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /kiːz/ /aʊər/ /njuː/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

so we're gonna go over there and hang up that painting,

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /ʌp/ /ðæt/ /ˈpeɪntɪŋ/

have board game night.

/hæv/ /bɔːrd/ /ɡeɪm/ /naɪt/

You're welcome to join us if you want.

/ˈwɛlkəm/ /dʒɔɪn/ /ʌs/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

Board game night?!

/bɔːrd/ /ɡeɪm/ /naɪt/

Board game night.

/bɔːrd/ /ɡeɪm/ /naɪt/

Come on!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Let's drink green beer.

/drɪŋk/ /ɡriːn/ /bɪər/

Let's do green Jell-O shots!

/duː/ /ɡriːn/ /ʃɒts/

Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?!

/jʊr/ /deɪ/

We're drinking green tea.

/ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /ɡriːn/

With caffeine.

/wɪð/

Sorry, Peter. We're grown-ups now.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /naʊ/

We can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore.

/wiː/ /flaɪ/ /ɒf/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

All right, fine.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /faɪn/

You know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day by myself.

/ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/ /deɪ/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

I don't need you people.

/niːd/ /juː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

You make me physically ill.

/juː/ /meɪk/ /miː/

He did look a little green.

/hiː/ /dɪd/ /lʊk/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡriːn/

Hello?

Hey, happy St. Patty's Day!

/ˈhæp.i/ /deɪ/

How are you? Yeah, I haven't talked to you forever.

/haʊ/ /juː/ /juː/ /fərˈɛvər/

- Who is it? - It's Ted's butt.

/huː/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /bʌt/

Ah, damn it!

/ɪt/

My phone keeps pocket-dialing!

/maɪ/ /foʊn/

That's, like, the eighth time today.

/laɪk/ /taɪm/ /təˈdeɪ/

In fairness, I did call Ted's butt at, like, 2:00 this afternoon.

/dɪd/ /kɔːl/ /bʌt/ /laɪk/ /ˌæftərˈnuːn/

It took long enough to call you back.

/ɪt/ /tʊk/ /lɔːŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /kɔːl/ /juː/ /bæk/

Barney, where are you?

/wɛr/ /juː/

In a cab, heading downtown with our

/kæb/ /wɪð/ /aʊər/

hot and sexy dates for the evening.

/hɒt/ /ænd/ /deɪts/ /fɔːr/ /ˈiːvnɪŋ/

Yes, it happens that fast!

/ɪt/ /ˈhæpənz/ /ðæt/ /fæst/

We're going to that club Low Point,

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /klʌb/ /loʊ/ /pɔɪnt/

and you're coming with us.

/ænd/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/

Barney, for the last time...

/fɔːr/ /læst/ /taɪm/

All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of Marshall

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /wɒnt/ /tɛl/ /juː/

and Lily because they're old and married,

/ænd/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /oʊld/ /ænd/ /ˈmærid/

and it's too late for them anyway, but Ted,

/ænd/ /leɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ðɛm/ /ˈɛniweɪ/ /bʌt/

the world is going to come to an end tonight.

/wɜːrld/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /kʌm/ /ɛnd/ /təˈnaɪt/

Yes. Think about it.

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

End of the world, Nostradamus. Notre Dame.

/ɛnd/ /wɜːrld/

Fighting Irish.

/ˈfaɪtɪŋ/

Irish. St. Patrick's Day.

/deɪ/

This is it, bro.

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /broʊ/

Bro-pocalypse Now.

/naʊ/

Bromageddon.

Ted, you are young, you're single.

/juː/ /jʌŋ/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

You'll have so much more fun with me.

/hæv/ /mʌtʃ/ /mɔːr/ /fʌn/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Do you really want to spend your last night on

/duː/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /spɛnd/ /jʊr/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /ɒn/

Earth playing board games with Marshall and Lily?

/ɜːrθ/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /bɔːrd/ /ɡeɪmz/ /wɪð/ /ænd/

My hands smell weird. Smell this.

/maɪ/ /hændz/ /smɛl/ /smɛl/

Yeah, they do. That's new.

/ðeɪ/ /duː/ /njuː/

I'll be there in five minutes.

/biː/ /ðɛr/ /faɪv/

Yes! All right!

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

He's in! Ted's a great guy.

/ɡreɪt/ /ɡaɪ/

Y... Em...

You're gonna love him.

/lʌv/ /hɪm/

So on March 17, 2008,

/ɒn/

I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party.

/wɛnt/ /bɪɡ/ /deɪ/ /ˈpɑːrti/

And it's a good thing I did,

/ænd/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/ /dɪd/

because, funny story:

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /ˈstɔːri/

your mother was there.

/jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /wɒz/ /ðɛr/

How I Met Your Mother 3x12 - No Tomorrow - How I Met Your Mother 3x12 - No Tomorrow -

/haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Hi. Have you met Ted?

/hæv/ /juː/

Hi. I'm Mary.

Hi. Happy St. Patty's Day.

/ˈhæp.i/ /deɪ/

I haven't met Ted, either.

/ˈiː.ðər/

- I'm Stephanie. - Hi.

Dude, back off. I called dibs on Stephanie.

/bæk/ /ɒf/ /ɒn/

Okay. Mary's hot.

/hɒt/

Well, then I want Mary.

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /wɒnt/

Fine.

/faɪn/

Oh, I see. Reverse psychology.

/siː/

Then I'm sticking with Stephanie, Dr. Freud.

/ðɛn/ /wɪð/

Okay.

- Which one do you want more? - Either one.

/wɪtʃ/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /mɔːr/ /ˈiː.ðər/

- I want them both. - You're an idiot,

/wɒnt/ /ðɛm/ /boʊθ/ /ˈɪdiət/

and it may be a moot point.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /meɪ/ /biː/ /pɔɪnt/

I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting in.

/miːn/ /ɪt/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

Look at this.

/lʊk/

You know why there's a line?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /laɪn/

It's because I ditched Marshall and Lily,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ænd/

and now the universe is punishing us for it,

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /ɪz/ /ʌs/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

that's why.

/waɪ/

Yeah.

What's it gonna cost us to get in, $20?

/ɪt/ /kɒst/ /ʌs/ /ɡɛt/

$40?

Dude, come on, you're making the wee folk look bad.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /lʊk/ /bæd/

Just give him your pot o' gold.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /jʊr/ /pɒt/

Is it just you two?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /juː/ /tuː/

Don't worry. We're not gonna blow your ratio.

/ˈwʌri/ /jʊr/

We happen to have two very hot girls with us.

/wiː/ /ˈhæpən/ /hæv/ /tuː/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /hɒt/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/

Mine's the hotter one.

/ˈhɒtər/

Look, if it was just you two,

/lʊk/ /ɪf/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /juː/ /tuː/

you could go in right now.

/juː/ /kʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

We got nothing but girls in there.

/wiː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ðɛr/

People are gonna start thinking it's a lesbian bar.

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /stɑːrt/ /bɑːr/

Would you excuse us for just a minute?

/wʊd/ /juː/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /ʌs/ /fɔːr/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Ted, I'm gonna be honest.

/biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/

I was full of it with that whole Nostradamus thing.

/wɒz/ /fʊl/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

No.

/noʊ/

But I am starting to think there is some serious

/bʌt/ /θɪŋk/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /sʌm/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

planetary crap going on here tonight.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /hɪr/ /təˈnaɪt/

Never in the history of New York City nightclubs

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈhɪstəri/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

has there been a shortage of dudes,

/hæz/ /ðɛr/

not even during the Great Dude Shortage of 1883.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈdʊərɪŋ/ /ɡreɪt/

We got to ditch these girls.

/wiː/ /ðiːz/ /ɡɜːrlz/

But you dragged them all the way down here.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ðɛm/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /daʊn/ /hɪr/

I don't see no ring on this finger.

/siː/ /noʊ/ /rɪŋ/ /ɒn/

All right, hold on.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Uh, excuse me?

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Are the girls in there hotter than our dates?

/ɡɜːrlz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈhɒtər/ /ðæn/ /aʊər/ /deɪts/

I don't know if they're hotter,

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /ˈhɒtər/

but they're drunker.

/bʌt/

Rock 'n' roll.

/roʊl/

Welcome to your dream home, my lady.

/ˈwɛlkəm/ /jʊr/ /driːm/ /hoʊm/ /maɪ/ /ˈleɪdi/

All right, all right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

You can put me down. Robin thinks we're weird.

/juː/ /kæn/ /pʊt/ /miː/ /daʊn/

No, it's fine.

/noʊ/ /faɪn/

It was only weird on the subway.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌbweɪ/

Oh. I'm gonna check the other rooms to see

/tʃɛk/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /siː/

if the previous owners left us any free stuff.

/ɪf/ /ˈpriːviəs/ /lɛft/ /ʌs/ /ˈɛn.i/ /friː/ /stʌf/

I'm gonna hang our first piece of art.

/aʊər/ /fɜːrst/ /piːs/ /ɑːrt/

Oh, look, there's already a nail.

/lʊk/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /neɪl/

Hey, Lil, free nail!

/friː/ /neɪl/

Score!

/skɔːr/

How's that? Perfect.

/ðæt/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

Oh, now this is ridiculous.

/naʊ/ /ɪz/

Is it the nail?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /neɪl/

Marshall? Marshall?

Is the wall slippery or something?

/ɪz/ /wɔːl/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Marshall. Marshall.

Is there a wind? Is there some sort of draft in here?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /wɪnd/ /ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /sʌm/ /sɔːrt/ /hɪr/

- Marshall! - What?

/wɒt/

Your apartment's crooked.

/jʊr/

What do you mean?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

It was the kind of thing you didn't notice until you noticed it.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /kaɪnd/ /θɪŋ/ /juː/ /ˈnoʊtɪs/ /ənˈtɪl/ /juː/ /ɪt/

But once you did notice it, you couldn't not notice it.

/bʌt/ /wʌns/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /ˈnoʊtɪs/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /ˈnoʊtɪs/ /ɪt/

Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked.

/ænd/ /njuː/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /wɒz/

Oh, no!

/noʊ/

Oh, no, no, no!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Oh, no, no. Oh, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Yes.

Are you telling me that we just spent our entire life savings and then some on...

/juː/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /aʊər/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /laɪf/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /sʌm/ /ɒn/

on a crooked apartment?

/ɒn/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

No, she's gonna flip.

/noʊ/

Just calm down. It's gonna be fine.

/dʒʌst/ /kɑːm/ /daʊn/ /biː/ /faɪn/

Look what I found in the kids' room!

/lʊk/ /wɒt/ /kɪdz/ /ruːm/

Free skateboard. Score!

/friː/ /skɔːr/

Free Hungry Hungry Hippos.

/friː/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/

Double score! I'm gonna check the kitchen!

/ˈdʌbəl/ /skɔːr/ /tʃɛk/ /ˈkɪtʃɪn/

Okay. How could she not notice this?

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /ʃiː/ /ˈnoʊtɪs/

It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here.

/laɪk/ /læst/ /hɪr/

We have to keep this quiet.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /kiːp/ /ˈkwaɪɪt/

If Lily finds out her new dream house is crooked, it's gonna...

/ɪf/ /aʊt/ /hɜːr/ /njuː/ /driːm/ /haʊs/ /ɪz/

it's gonna break her heart.

/breɪk/ /hɜːr/ /hɑːrt/

Free salad strainer!

/friː/ /ˈsæləd/

I love this place.

/lʌv/ /pleɪs/

Just for tonight, okay?

/dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /təˈnaɪt/

Okay.

But it's gonna be an uphill battle.

/bʌt/ /biː/

I am just saying we have to think of the right angle.

/dʒʌst/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /θɪŋk/ /raɪt/

I have a third one, but I'm not gonna say it.

/hæv/ /bʌt/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/

Okay, Barney, I think we've stumbled into some kind of ethical,

/θɪŋk/ /sʌm/ /kaɪnd/

philosophical wormhole.

- Green suit. - Yeah.

/ɡriːn/ /suːt/

I ditched Marshall and Lily,

/ænd/

and was rewarded with two beautiful girls.

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /wɪð/ /tuː/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ɡɜːrlz/

Suit's made of green.

/ɡriːn/

We bailed on those two beautiful girls,

/wiː/ /ɒn/ /ðoʊz/ /tuː/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ɡɜːrlz/

and now we're being rewarded with a sea of beautiful girls.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /wɪð/ /siː/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ɡɜːrlz/

38 long.

/lɔːŋ/

It's like the laws of the universe are working in reverse.

/laɪk/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/

- Can you put it on my tab? - Yeah. What's the last name?

/kæn/ /juː/ /pʊt/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /læst/ /neɪm/

Garrido. Garrido.

All right, I'm gonna try something, and if this works...

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /traɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ænd/ /ɪf/ /wɜːrks/

Uh, hey.

Hey, what can I get you guys?

/wɒt/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

A bottle of Dom Perignon, and can you put it on my tab?

/ˈbɒtəl/ /ænd/ /kæn/ /juː/ /pʊt/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/

Sure. What's the name?

/ʃʊr/ /neɪm/

- Garrido. - Dude!

Oh, uh, yeah, you're right. Uh, make it two bottles.

/raɪt/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /tuː/

Two.

/tuː/

Now we wait, see if something good happens...

/naʊ/ /wiː/ /weɪt/ /siː/ /ɪf/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈhæpənz/

Oh! Hello!

St. Patrick's Day tradition.

/deɪ/ /trəˈdɪʃən/

If you're not wearing green, you got to get pinched.

/ɪf/ /ɡriːn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/

Well, I guess I got what I deserved.

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/

I'm not wearing green, either.

/ɡriːn/ /ˈiː.ðər/

This is, um, deep teal.

/ɪz/ /diːp/

- The lighting makes it... - Uh, I'm Ted.

/ɪt/

Ashlee with two "e"s.

/wɪð/ /tuː/

Please. "C"s at most.

/pliːz/ /moʊst/

You know, you guys should come join me and my friends.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ʃʊd/ /kʌm/ /dʒɔɪn/ /miː/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/

We have a bottle of tequila and shockingly deep belly buttons.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈbɒtəl/ /ænd/ /diːp/

Okay, it's official: do bad things, good things happen.

/əˈfɪʃəl/ /duː/ /bæd/ /θɪŋz/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈhæpən/

Ted, listen.

/ˈlɪs.ən/

Are you hearing that? That's the universe.

/juː/ /ðæt/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/

The universe is talking to us.

/ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /ɪz/ /ʌs/

We don't have to build a baseball field, do we?

/wiː/ /hæv/ /bɪld/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/ /fiːld/ /duː/ /wiː/

No. The universe is telling us that we have a free pass tonight.

/noʊ/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /ɪz/ /ʌs/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /friː/ /pæs/ /təˈnaɪt/

The universe is saying that we don't have to live in fear of the...

/ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /lɪv/ /fɪər/

- Are you still there? - Yeah, I'm here.

/juː/ /ðɛr/ /hɪr/

...of the repercussions of our actions.

/aʊər/

There is no waiting for tomorrow,

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /fɔːr/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

because do you know why, Ted?

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/

There is no tomorrow.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

No tomorrow, huh?

/noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

By the way, Mr. Garrido,

/weɪ/

second bottle of champagne gets you a complimentary ounce of caviar.

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ˈbɒtəl/ /ʃæmˈpeɪn/ /ɡɛts/ /juː/

Enjoy.

/ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/

- No tomorrow! - No tomorrow!

/noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

No tomorrow!

/noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Hey, I wonder what the grown-ups are doing right now.

/ˈwʌndər/ /wɒt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I win again.

/wɪn/ /əˈɡɛn/

Why do I keep winning?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /kiːp/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/

Maybe your hippo is just hungrier hungrier than ours.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /jʊr/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ðæn/

That's it.

/ɪt/

That's what it is. It's not gravity,

/wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡrævɪti/

that's for sure. I'll tell you that.

/fɔːr/ /ʃʊr/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ðæt/

What was that?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/

What's going on here?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /hɪr/

Okay, Lily...

while you were in the other room, Robin and I,

/waɪl/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ruːm/ /ænd/

we discovered something about the apartment.

/wiː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

It's not a big deal.

/bɪɡ/ /diːl/

It's not like a disaster. It's just...

/laɪk/ /dɪˈzæstər/ /dʒʌst/

It's something that we're going to have to learn to live with.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hæv/ /lɜːrn/ /lɪv/ /wɪð/

Robin and I saw a ghost.

/ænd/ /sɔː/ /ɡoʊst/

What?

/wɒt/

Oh, he's kidding, right?

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /raɪt/

No, we really saw a ghost.

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /sɔː/ /ɡoʊst/

What did it look like?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/

Uh, a sheet with two holes in it.

/wɪð/ /tuː/ /ɪt/

He was a Confederate general

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈdʒɛnərəl/

who was wounded at the Battle of Antietam,

/huː/ /wɒz/

and he died at the army hospital which once stood on this very spot.

/ænd/ /hiː/ /daɪd/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/ /wɪtʃ/ /wʌns/ /ɒn/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /spɒt/

And now he wanders these halls,

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /hiː/ /ðiːz/

vowing revenge against the Union cannonade hat once felled him.

/əˈɡɛnst/ /hæt/ /wʌns/ /hɪm/

But he seems nice. He's a good-good guy.

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /naɪs/ /ɡaɪ/

Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere. You see ghosts at Stars Bucks.

/juː/ /siː/ /ˈɛvriwɛr/ /juː/ /siː/

That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf.

/ðæt/ /ˈhɒlɪdeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /ɒf/ /ʃɛlf/

Last time that happened.

/læst/ /taɪm/ /ðæt/ /ˈhæpənd/

But, Robin, you're a skeptic,

/bʌt/

so if you say you saw a ghost...

/ɪf/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /juː/ /sɔː/ /ɡoʊst/

It passed right through me,

/ɪt/ /raɪt/ /θruː/ /miː/

and suddenly I felt cold, so very cold.

/ænd/ /ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /fɛlt/ /koʊld/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /koʊld/

You know, Ashlee, I'm sorry.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈsɒr.i/

You're probably just gonna want to get up and walk away,

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /wɔːk/ /əˈweɪ/

but I just have to test out this theory I've been working on.

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /tɛst/ /aʊt/ /ˈθɪəri/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Tonight, I am not looking for a relationship.

/təˈnaɪt/ /fɔːr/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

I really just want to hook up with you,

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /juː/

leave before breakfast, and never see you again.

/liːv/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /siː/ /juː/ /əˈɡɛn/

I'm in. Em tham gia

Unbelievable.

Hot damn, that's a deep navel.

/hɒt/ /diːp/

No tomorrow, Ted.

/noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Yeah, no tomorrow, Barney.

/noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

No tomorrow, huh?

/noʊ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

I like that idea.

/laɪk/ /ðæt/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Because if there is a tomorrow,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪf/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble.

/biː/ /lɒt/ /ˈtrʌbəl/

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

I'm married.

/ˈmærid/

Tell me you're messing with me, guys.

/tɛl/ /miː/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /ɡaɪz/

You didn't actually see a ghost.

/juː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /siː/ /ɡoʊst/

It's not a big deal, baby. He seemed friendly.

/bɪɡ/ /diːl/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /hiː/ /ˈfrɛndli/

You said he's a Confederate general. They're the bad guys.

/juː/ /sɛd/ /ˈdʒɛnərəl/ /bæd/ /ɡaɪz/

And he's probably racist.

/ænd/ /ˈprɒbəbli/

No, he seemed polite.

/noʊ/ /hiː/ /pəˈlaɪt/

He had courtly Southern manners.

/hiː/ /hæd/

We're gonna raise our kids here.

/reɪz/ /aʊər/ /kɪdz/ /hɪr/

I don't want some Confederate general ghost teaching them his racism.

/wɒnt/ /sʌm/ /ˈdʒɛnərəl/ /ɡoʊst/ /ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /ðɛm/ /hɪz/

He loves people of all colors and creeds.

/hiː/ /lʌvz/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ɔːl/ /ænd/

He was fighting for states' rights, that's all.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈfaɪtɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /ɔːl/

Robin said he was wearing a sheet.

/sɛd/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

What do you think that means?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/

The apartment is crooked.

/əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ɪz/

What?

/wɒt/

Robin and I didn't see a ghost.

/ænd/ /siː/ /ɡoʊst/

The floor is crooked, isn't it?

/flɔːr/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Yeah.

We spent our entire life's savings on this floor.

/wiː/ /aʊər/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /ɒn/ /flɔːr/

The next 30 mortgage-paying years of our lives will be spent

/nɛkst/ /aʊər/ /wɪl/ /biː/

on this floor, and it's crooked.

/ɒn/ /flɔːr/ /ænd/

Thanks a lot, Robin.

/lɒt/

How is "racist ghost" better than "crooked"?

/haʊ/ /ɪz/ /ɡoʊst/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/

Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /haʊ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Oh, I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Oh, that's okay.

Um, dude, so, I'm having second thoughts about that theory.

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/ /ˈθɪəri/

I'm telling you, if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows.

/juː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /oʊld/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /ɪz/ /tʃɛk/ /hɜːr/

Not that theory.

/ðæt/ /ˈθɪəri/

You have to be more specific, Ted, 'cause I have so many theories.

/juː/ /hæv/ /biː/ /mɔːr/ /spɪˈsɪfɪk/ /kɔːz/ /hæv/ /ˈmɛn.i/

The whole do bad, good things happen...

/hoʊl/ /duː/ /bæd/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈhæpən/

- Ashlee is married. - So?

/ɪz/ /ˈmærid/

What do you mean, so?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

Open your brain tank, brah,

/ˈoʊ.pən/ /jʊr/ /breɪn/

'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge.

/kɔːz/ /hɪr/ /sʌm/ /ˈnɒl.ɪdʒ/

There's three rules of cheating:

/θriː/ /ˈtʃiːtɪŋ/

It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married,

/ˈtʃiːtɪŋ/ /ɪf/ /ˈmærid/

it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels,

/ˈtʃiːtɪŋ/ /ɪf/ /hɜːr/ /neɪm/ /hæz/ /tuː/

and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code.

/ænd/ /ˈtʃiːtɪŋ/ /ɪf/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /ˈɛriə/ /koʊd/

You're fine on all three counts.

/faɪn/ /ɒn/ /ɔːl/ /θriː/

How do you know she's from a different area code?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /ˈɛriə/ /koʊd/

She's 516.

She might dress like she's 718, act like she's 212,

/ʃiː/ /maɪt/ /drɛs/ /laɪk/ /ækt/ /laɪk/

but trust me, she's 516.

/bʌt/ /trʌst/ /miː/

Oh, and her husband...

/ænd/ /hɜːr/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

letting her out alone on Saint Patty's Day?

/hɜːr/ /aʊt/ /əˈloʊn/ /ɒn/ /deɪ/

If that dude's not 973, I'm 307.

/ɪf/ /ðæt/

Wyoming. Wyoming.

We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture.

/hæv/ /neɪl/ /daʊn/ /ɔːl/ /aʊər/ /ˈfɜːrnɪtʃər/

We won't be able to get a pinball machine.

/wiː/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /ɡɛt/ /məˈʃiːn/

I mean, unless we put some books under two of the legs or something.

/miːn/ /ənˈlɛs/ /wiː/ /pʊt/ /sʌm/ /ˈʌndər/ /tuː/ /lɛɡz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

But then what if we want to read those books?

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /wɒt/ /ɪf/ /wiː/ /wɒnt/ /riːd/ /ðoʊz/

This is a nightmare.

/ɪz/

We can't raise our kids here. They'll grow up slanted.

/wiː/ /reɪz/ /aʊər/ /kɪdz/ /hɪr/ /ɡroʊ/ /ʌp/

If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Eileen.

/ɪf/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈdɔːtər/ /hæv/ /kɔːl/ /hɜːr/

I don't think we can live here, Marshall.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /lɪv/ /hɪr/

I don't know what we're gonna do.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /duː/

Marshall? Marshall?

Open the door.

/ˈoʊ.pən/ /dɔːr/

If I make it through the door, that's five points.

/ɪf/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /θruː/ /dɔːr/ /faɪv/ /pɔɪnts/

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

Yeah!

Five points.

/faɪv/ /pɔɪnts/

Ten bucks says I can do it backwards.

/tɛn/ /kæn/ /duː/ /ɪt/

So Lily and Marshall decided to make the best of a bad situation.

/ænd/ /meɪk/ /bɛst/ /bæd/ /ˌsɪtʃuˈeɪʃən/

And that's also how the sport of Apartment Roller Luge was invented.

/ænd/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /haʊ/ /spɔːrt/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /wɒz/

Very careful baby! Oh yeah!

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈkɛr.fəl/ /ˈbeɪbi/

So she's married? It's not like she has kids.

/ˈmærid/ /laɪk/ /ʃiː/ /hæz/ /kɪdz/

How do you know?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Wrists.

It's like you don't even listen to me.

/laɪk/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /miː/

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

Where'd you go?

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/

Well, I just, um...

/wɛl/ /dʒʌst/

- Was it something I said? - No, no, no, it's just, well...

/wɒz/ /ɪt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /sɛd/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /wɛl/

you're married and-and we've been drinking, and I was worried we might...

/ˈmærid/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /ænd/ /wɒz/ /ˈwʌrid/ /wiː/ /maɪt/

Oh, this is a very bad idea.

/ɪz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /bæd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

- We have a problem. - Hey, hey. Hey.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Hey.

Is this your husband?

/ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

I've never seen this man in my life.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /mæn/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Oh, okay. Uh, what's our problem?

/aʊər/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Rick. Rick Garrido. Rick. Rick Garrido.

According to the bartender, I'm the guy

/ɡaɪ/

that's been buying you champagne all night.

/juː/ /ʃæmˈpeɪn/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

Okay, there's-there's a very simple explana...

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

Next thing I know the police show up, they arrest the other guy,

/nɛkst/ /θɪŋ/ /noʊ/ /ʃoʊ/ /ʌp/ /ðeɪ/ /əˈrɛst/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ɡaɪ/

and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night.

/ænd/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /friː/ /rɛst/ /naɪt/

It was awesome.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Awesome, huh?

/ˈɔːsəm/

Yeah.

You don't see anything wrong with that story?

/juː/ /siː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/

Well, I lost my new phone back at the club somewhere.

/wɛl/ /lɒst/ /maɪ/ /njuː/ /foʊn/ /bæk/ /klʌb/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/

What the hell is wrong with you, dude?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

You know me, I lose things.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /miː/ /luːz/ /θɪŋz/

You kissed a married woman, Ted.

/juː/ /kɪst/ /ˈmærid/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

You committed credit card fraud.

/juː/

You... you kissed a married woman. Do you know how offensive that is to me?

/juː/ /juː/ /kɪst/ /ˈmærid/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /miː/

You're turning into Barney.

We don't need another Barney.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /əˈnʌðər/

Look...

/lʊk/

it's Saint Patty's Day.

/deɪ/

It wasn't as bad as it sounds.

/ɪt/ /bæd/ /ɪt/

- "It wasn't as bad as it sounds"? - No.

/ɪt/ /bæd/ /ɪt/ /noʊ/

Huh? Okay...

I want you to hear exactly how it sounds, Ted.

/wɒnt/ /juː/ /hɪr/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/

First skipped message: I don't see no ring on this finger.

/fɜːrst/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/ /siː/ /noʊ/ /rɪŋ/ /ɒn/

And then last night started coming back to me:

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /bæk/ /miː/

The real version.

/riːl/ /ˈvɜːrʒən/

Are the girls in there hotter than our dates ?

/ɡɜːrlz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈhɒtər/ /ðæn/ /aʊər/ /deɪts/

I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker.

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /ˈhɒtər/ /bʌt/

Rock 'n' roll.

/roʊl/

- How many messages did I... - Seventeen...

/haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /dɪd/

Kids, it's sometimes possible to think you're doing just fine in life...

/kɪdz/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /θɪŋk/ /dʒʌst/ /faɪn/ /laɪf/

Next message: Can you put it on my tab?

/nɛkst/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /pʊt/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/

Sure, what's the last name?

/ʃʊr/ /læst/ /neɪm/

Garrido. Garrido.

...and then someone opens your eyes a little bit,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /jʊr/ /aɪz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

and you realize...

/ænd/ /juː/

Next message:

/nɛkst/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/

I really want to hook up with you,

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /juː/

leave before breakfast, and then never see you again.

/liːv/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /siː/ /juː/ /əˈɡɛn/

...your whole world is off balance...

/jʊr/ /hoʊl/ /wɜːrld/ /ɪz/ /ɒf/

Next message :

/nɛkst/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/

...out of whack...

/aʊt/

Okay, look, brah,

/lʊk/

there is a very simple explana...

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

...crooked.

That was hard to listen to.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /hɑːrd/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

No one likes how they sound on an answering machine.

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /saʊnd/ /ɒn/ /məˈʃiːn/

Thanks for doing that.

/fɔːr/ /ðæt/

You yelled at me.

/juː/ /miː/

You got very firm with me.

/juː/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Very confident.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈkɒnfɪdənt/

It was cool.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /kuːl/

Thanks.

- You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall. - Shut up.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

Veins, crazy muscles in your neck.

/ˈkreɪzi/ /jʊr/ /nɛk/

You look like a Kentucky Derby-winning steed.

/juː/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/

You're ruining a nice moment.

/naɪs/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

At one point, I swear, I thought we were gonna kiss.

/pɔɪnt/ /swɛər/ /θɔːt/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /kɪs/

Ted, seriously.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/

I'm married.

/ˈmærid/

Oh... a slanted floor.

/flɔːr/

Architecturally speaking, fixing that's going to be...

/ˈspiːkɪŋ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/

Very, very, very expensive.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ɪkˈspɛnsɪv/

And it's gonna take some time, too, so

/ænd/ /teɪk/ /sʌm/ /taɪm/

it looks like you're stuck with us for a little while longer, if that's okay.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /stʌk/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/ /fɔːr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /waɪl/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/ /ɪf/

Are you kidding?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

I love it.

/lʌv/ /ɪt/

I don't know what's gonna happen to me without you guys around.

/noʊ/ /ˈhæpən/ /miː/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /əˈraʊnd/

Where are you going?

/wɛr/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

I'm going to get my stupid phone.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /foʊn/

So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /deɪ/

I found out years later that your mom was at that party.

/aʊt/ /ˈleɪtər/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ˈpɑːrti/

I just didn't meet her.

/dʒʌst/ /miːt/ /hɜːr/

And it's a good thing I didn't,

/ænd/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/

'cause if I had met her, I don't think she would have liked me.

/kɔːz/ /ɪf/ /hæd/ /hɜːr/ /θɪŋk/ /ʃiː/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /miː/

Heck, I don't think I liked me.

/θɪŋk/ /miː/

But that's okay.

/bʌt/

Tomorrow had arrived.

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /hæd/ /əˈraɪvd/

# Leave me alone, and there'll be #

/liːv/ /miː/ /əˈloʊn/ /ænd/ /biː/

# No one to get hurt #

/noʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːrt/

# Nobody move and there'll be Nothin' to disturb #

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /muːv/ /ænd/ /biː/

# The sum of it all is that you Don't know where to turn #

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛr/ /tɜːrn/

# Despite all your promises you Don't keep what you learn #

/ɔːl/ /jʊr/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /lɜːrn/

You see, I didn't know it yet,

/juː/ /siː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /jɛt/

but my luck was about to change.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /lʌk/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

# Beautiful beat get me out of this mess #

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /biːt/ /ɡɛt/ /miː/ /aʊt/ /mɛs/