Season 3 · Tập 18

Now, kids, the spring of 2008 was a complicated time in your old man's life.

/naʊ/ /kɪdz/ /sprɪŋ/ /wɒz/ /taɪm/ /jʊr/ /oʊld/ /laɪf/

The last time I had seen Barney was shortly after I found out

/læst/ /taɪm/ /hæd/ /wɒz/ /ˈæf.tər/ /aʊt/

he had spent the night with Robin.

/hiː/ /hæd/ /naɪt/ /wɪð/

Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?

/juː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /broʊz/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

/wɒnt/ /biː/ /frɛndz/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

It's Barney.

Dude, seriously, you need to stop calling me.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /juː/ /niːd/ /stɒp/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /miː/

Ted, I'm sorry I haven't returned your calls.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /jʊr/ /kɔːlz/

Yeah, I never called you.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /juː/

You called me 15 times and my parents twice.

/juː/ /miː/ /taɪmz/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈpɛərənts/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I gotta let you go.

/lɛt/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

There's just too many good wingmen out there.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ɡʊd/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Ted, are you crying?

/juː/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/

No, I'm not.

/noʊ/

Let it out. Let it out.

/lɛt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /lɛt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

Good-bye, Barney.

So, are you two back together?

/juː/ /tuː/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

I miss Barney.

/mɪs/

I haven't high-fived anyone in like a week.

/ˈɛniwʌn/ /laɪk/ /wiːk/

I think I might be starting to lose my fist bump callus.

/θɪŋk/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /luːz/ /maɪ/

Let me ask you something, Ted.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /æsk/ /juː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Why are you so much madder at Barney than me?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/ /ðæn/ /miː/

Yeah, she had just as much sex with Barney as Barney had with her.

/ʃiː/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /mʌtʃ/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /hæd/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

You know what? I'm not sure that's true.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ʃʊr/ /truː/

And I think I'd actually prefer it if you were mad at me; this is too weird.

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /prɪˈfɜːr/ /ɪt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /mæd/ /miː/ /ɪz/

I'm not mad at anybody.

/mæd/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/

I've forgiven you, and I've outgrown Barney as a friend. It's that simple.

/juː/ /ænd/ /frɛnd/ /ðæt/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

I'll tell you why he's not mad.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /waɪ/ /mæd/

It's 'cause he's so happy with Stella.

/kɔːz/ /ˈhæp.i/ /wɪð/

She was right.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/

Stella and I had been dating for two months,

/ænd/ /hæd/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /tuː/

and things were going really well.

/ænd/ /θɪŋz/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɛl/

She had met my friends and passed with flying colors.

/ʃiː/ /hæd/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /ænd/ /wɪð/

There was just one little problem.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈprɒbləm/

You guys haven't had sex yet?!

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /jɛt/

When Marshall and I were two months in, we were doing it 24/7.

/wɛn/ /ænd/ /wɜːr/ /tuː/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ɪt/

I know, I was in the top bunk.

/noʊ/ /wɒz/ /tɒp/

I also sat next to you guys at football games.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /sæt/ /nɛkst/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈfʊtbɔːl/ /ɡeɪmz/

So what are you guys waiting for?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /fɔːr/

I think she wants to make sure we're serious first.

/θɪŋk/ /ʃiː/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /fɜːrst/

That's why she hasn't introduced me to her daughter, either.

/waɪ/ /ʃiː/ /miː/ /hɜːr/ /ˈdɔːtər/ /ˈiː.ðər/

She wants to take things slow.

/ʃiː/ /teɪk/ /θɪŋz/ /sloʊ/

Wait... so you haven't had sex

/weɪt/ /juː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/

since, like... Thanksgiving.

/sɪns/ /laɪk/

Do you know how many big federal holidays have come and gone since then?

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /bɪɡ/ /hæv/ /kʌm/ /ænd/ /ɡɔːn/ /sɪns/ /ðɛn/

Ooh, baby, do you remember Martin Luther King Day?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /duː/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /kɪŋ/ /deɪ/

Yeah, I do.

/duː/

We honored that dude big time.

/wiː/ /ðæt/ /bɪɡ/ /taɪm/

Look, I'm crazy about this girl, and if waiting is what it takes,

/lʊk/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ænd/ /ɪf/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/

then I am fine with that.

/ðɛn/ /faɪn/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

On a totally unrelated note, does anybody have any gum

/ɒn/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /noʊt/ /dʌz/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ɡʌm/

or ice or a piece of bark they're not chewing?

/aɪs/ /piːs/

Hey, Barney, new SkyMall came in.

/njuː/

So, uh...

Word around the blogosphere is that you're looking for a new wingman.

/wɜːrd/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /fɔːr/ /njuː/

I want to let you know I am available.

/wɒnt/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Just say the word, or don't even say the word.

/dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /wɜːrd/ /ˈiːvən/ /seɪ/ /wɜːrd/

Just do something with your eyebrow.

/dʒʌst/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/

Was that it?

/wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/

No offense, Randy, but there's a long list of candidates for this slot.

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /lɔːŋ/ /lɪst/ /fɔːr/

This slot is Vice President of Awesome,

/ɪz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

and you're, like,

/ænd/ /laɪk/

Assistant Undersecretary of Only Okay.

/əˈsɪstənt/ /ˈoʊnli/

"Assistant Undersecretary of Only Okay."

/əˈsɪstənt/ /ˈoʊnli/

Thank you. I won't let you down.

/juː/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /daʊn/

So Uncle Barney began the search for a new wingman.

/ˈʌŋkəl/ /sɜːrtʃ/ /fɔːr/ /njuː/

Pete! Barney Stinson.

Hey, I've been meaning to call you. It's been a while.

/ˈmiː.nɪŋ/ /kɔːl/ /juː/ /waɪl/

Yeah, yeah, so listen. You should meet me at MacLaren's tonight.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /miːt/ /miː/ /təˈnaɪt/

You're never gonna believe this: I'm at the hospital.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/

Just had a baby daughter.

/dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈdɔːtər/

So what do you think, 9:30, 10:00?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Stapleton! Barney Stinson.

What up, chief?

/wɒt/ /ʌp/

Need a new bro. What do you say?

/niːd/ /njuː/ /broʊ/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Dude, I'd love to, but right now I'm bros with Doug Stein.

/lʌv/ /bʌt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /broʊz/ /wɪð/

Oh, I understand.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

Doug Stein's a good bro.

/ɡʊd/ /broʊ/

I'm happy for you. Best of luck.

/ˈhæp.i/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /bɛst/ /lʌk/

Crazy Willie! Barney Stinson.

/ˈkreɪzi/

What up, B-Dog? Long time, no bro. So we gonna tear it up tonight or what?

/wɒt/ /ʌp/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/ /noʊ/ /broʊ/ /wiː/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /təˈnaɪt/ /wɒt/

Yes, finally!

/ˈfaɪnəli/

Here's what's on the rock-it docket.

/ɒn/

My wife and I put the cheese out at 7:00,

/maɪ/ /waɪf/ /ænd/ /pʊt/ /tʃiːz/ /aʊt/

Cranium at 8:00, 9:00 p.m. we watch 27 Dresses.

/wiː/ /wɒtʃ/

Everybody's home by 11:00. Boo-yah!

/hoʊm/

Hello? Alo?

Hanging up on you once wasn't enough.

/ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /wʌns/ /ɪˈnʌf/

So I lanced this thing on this guy's back,

/θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /bæk/

and I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know what it was,

/ænd/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

and then it exploded like a volcano.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/

Pus everywhere.

/ˈɛvriwɛr/

Let's have sex. Right now. I'll lock the door.

/hæv/ /sɛks/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /lɒk/ /dɔːr/

Oh, there's no lock on that door.

/noʊ/ /lɒk/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /dɔːr/

We can do it against the door. It'll be hot!

/wiː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /dɔːr/ /biː/ /hɒt/

It'll be like a three-way: you, me, and the door.

/biː/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /miː/ /ænd/ /dɔːr/

Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird between me and the door tomorrow.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /miː/ /ænd/ /dɔːr/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

We're waiting. It's cool.

/kuːl/

You've been so patient, Ted.

/ˈpeɪʃənt/

The truth is...

/truːθ/ /ɪz/

I'm kind of nervous. I have a confession to make.

/kaɪnd/ /ˈnɜːrvəs/ /hæv/ /meɪk/

I was afraid of this. You're 14.

/wɒz/ /əˈfreɪd/

No, um...

/noʊ/

It's kind of embarrassing, but it's

/kaɪnd/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/ /bʌt/

a while since I was intimate with anyone.

/waɪl/ /sɪns/ /wɒz/ /ˈɪntɪmɪt/ /wɪð/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

Wow, it's funny that you say that.

/ˈfʌn.i/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

- Me, too. - Really?

/miː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

How long's it been for you?

/haʊ/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

It's been a while.

/waɪl/

Tell me.

/tɛl/ /miː/

Me, too!

/miː/

It's been five months for you, too?

/faɪv/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Five years?!

/faɪv/

How I Met Your Mother 3x18 - Rebound Bro - How I Met Your Mother 3x18 - Rebound Bro -

/haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /broʊ/ /haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /broʊ/

Wow. Stella hasn't had sex since 2003.

/hæd/ /sɛks/ /sɪns/

Let's put this in context.

/pʊt/

The last time Stella had sex,

/læst/ /taɪm/ /hæd/ /sɛks/

the movie, Seabiscuit, had just galloped into theaters...

/ˈmuːvi/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/

and our hearts.

/ænd/ /aʊər/

Five years?

/faɪv/

God, if I even went one year,

/ɪf/ /ˈiːvən/ /wɛnt/ /jɪr/

I would be out on the street selling it for a nickel.

/wʊd/ /biː/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/ /striːt/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/

The last time Stella had sex,

/læst/ /taɪm/ /hæd/ /sɛks/

the world was just learning about SARS.

/wɜːrld/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈbaʊt/

Well, Ted, what else did she say? Did she give you any kind of explanation?

/wɛl/ /wɒt/ /ɛls/ /dɪd/ /ʃiː/ /seɪ/ /dɪd/ /ʃiː/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈɛn.i/ /kaɪnd/

Look, after Lucy was born, I dated a little,

/lʊk/ /ˈæf.tər/ /wɒz/ /bɔːrn/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

but it was hard to find a guy I could trust enough.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /hɑːrd/ /faɪnd/ /ɡaɪ/ /kʊd/ /trʌst/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Sooner or later, every one of them gave me a reason not to.

/ˈleɪtər/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ðɛm/ /ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /ˈriːzən/

But nobody in five years?

/bʌt/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /faɪv/

Look, Ted, guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with.

/lʊk/ /ɡaɪz/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ðeɪ/ /sliːp/ /wɪð/

Girls regret the guys they do sleep with.

/ɡɜːrlz/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/ /ɡaɪz/ /ðeɪ/ /duː/ /sliːp/ /wɪð/

And for the past five years, I've had no regrets.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /pæst/ /faɪv/ /hæd/ /noʊ/

Ted, you're staring at my boobs.

/maɪ/

In my defense, they were staring at me.

/maɪ/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /miː/

So what does this mean for you? Is she ever gonna want to get intimate?

/wɒt/ /dʌz/ /miːn/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɪntɪmɪt/

Actually...

/ˈæktʃuəli/

But the truth is, I really do want to do this with you.

/bʌt/ /truːθ/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /duː/ /wɒnt/ /duː/ /wɪð/ /juː/

I don't think I'd regret it at all.

/θɪŋk/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/

Your pillow talk's a little rusty.

/jʊr/ /ˈpɪloʊ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

You know what I mean, Ted. I'm ready.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /miːn/ /ˈrɛd.i/

That's great.

/ɡreɪt/

Like, "right now" ready?

/laɪk/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /ˈrɛd.i/

So her sister's driving up to baby-sit Lucy,

/hɜːr/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /ʌp/

and we're getting a hotel room in the city Saturday night.

/ænd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /hoʊˈtɛl/ /ruːm/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/ /naɪt/

The last time Stella had sex,

/læst/ /taɪm/ /hæd/ /sɛks/

The Da Vinci Code had just come out.

/koʊd/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /kʌm/ /aʊt/

Well, that doesn't seem like that long ago.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /siːm/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /lɔːŋ/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Not the movie, the book.

/ˈmuːvi/ /bʊk/

It's a lot of pressure, isn't it?

/lɒt/ /ɪt/

You know what? It's not.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

This woman needs it bad. Anything you do is going to be fireworks.

/ˈwʊm.ən/ /ɪt/ /bæd/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/

I remember my longest drought...

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /maɪ/

It was that summer I lived in San Francisco.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ˈsʌmər/ /frænˈsɪskoʊ/

I hadn't had been with Marshall in two months and 19 days.

/hæd/ /wɪð/ /tuː/ /ænd/

Oh, San Francisco.

/frænˈsɪskoʊ/

I don't know Lily, after five years, her expectations have gotta be pretty high.

/noʊ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /faɪv/ /hɜːr/ /hæv/ /biː/ /ˈprɪti/ /haɪ/

Notable deaths in 2003...

Oh, my God...

/maɪ/

Nell Carter. Nell Carter.

Did you guys know that Nell Carter had died?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /hæd/ /daɪd/

I'm really gonna have to bring my A-game to satisfy this woman.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hæv/ /brɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

Yeah, it'll be pretty hard now that she's dead.

/biː/ /ˈprɪti/ /hɑːrd/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /dɛd/

Not Nell Carter, Stella.

Dude, relax. It's all about expectations management.

/rɪˈlæks/ /ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈmænɪdʒmənt/

Do you know why I hated Jerry Maguire so much?

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /ˈheɪtɪd/ /mʌtʃ/

Because you're dead inside?

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /dɛd/

No, because you built it up for, like, two weeks,

/noʊ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /bɪlt/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /laɪk/ /tuː/

saying it was the greatest movie ever.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ˈɛv.ər/

With Stella, do the opposite: lower expectations.

/wɪð/ /duː/ /ˈɒpəzɪt/

Right, right, and then no matter what happens, she'll be happy.

/raɪt/ /raɪt/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənz/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/

Hey, buddy.

/ˈbʌdi/

I'm married, Barney. I cannot be your new wingman.

/ˈmærid/ /biː/ /jʊr/ /njuː/

No.

/noʊ/

Hey, Randy. Could you come in here for a minute?

/kʊd/ /juː/ /kʌm/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Good news.

/ɡʊd/ /njuːz/

I'm calling you up to the majors.

/ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /juː/ /ʌp/

Starting tomorrow night,

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/

how would you like to be my new wingman?

/haʊ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /njuː/

Just need to check my calendar. Be right back.

/dʒʌst/ /niːd/ /tʃɛk/ /maɪ/ /biː/ /raɪt/ /bæk/

Tomorrow works.

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /wɜːrks/

I have a surprise appetizer for us today. Check it out.

/hæv/ /sərˈpraɪz/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/ /təˈdeɪ/ /tʃɛk/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

Potato skins.

/pəˈteɪtoʊ/

- Fancy. - Yeah, right?

/raɪt/

God, it's been forever since I had potato skins.

/fərˈɛvər/ /sɪns/ /hæd/ /pəˈteɪtoʊ/

I remember them as being pretty much the most delicious things ever.

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðɛm/ /ˈprɪti/ /mʌtʃ/ /moʊst/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈɛv.ər/

That's surprising.

/sərˈpraɪzɪŋ/

- What? - This potato skin.

/wɒt/ /pəˈteɪtoʊ/ /skɪn/

It's good, but not nearly as good as I'd built it up to be in my head.

/ɡʊd/ /bʌt/ /ˈnɪərli/ /ɡʊd/ /bɪlt/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /hɛd/

Even though this potato skin performed admirably,

/ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /pəˈteɪtoʊ/ /skɪn/

and is a totally respectable size...

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /saɪz/

I couldn't enjoy it because of my own unrealistic expectations.

/ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /ɪt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/

Ted, I see what you're doing.

/siː/ /wɒt/

You're trying to lower my expectations for tonight.

/maɪ/ /fɔːr/ /təˈnaɪt/

- Is this a length thing? - No.

/ɪz/ /θɪŋ/ /noʊ/

- Quick on the draw? - No.

/kwɪk/ /ɒn/ /drɔː/ /noʊ/

- Unexpected number of testicles? - No!

/ˈnʌmbər/ /noʊ/

It's just that this is a big deal for you.

/dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

I mean, it's like your virginity: the sequel.

/miːn/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/

Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?

/ɪˈlɛktrɪk/

Exactly, and I don't want to mess it up.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /ænd/ /wɒnt/ /mɛs/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/

I don't want you to ever wonder if I was worth it.

/wɒnt/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈwʌndər/ /ɪf/ /wɒz/ /wɜːrθ/ /ɪt/

Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it.

/kɔːrs/ /biː/ /wɜːrθ/ /ɪt/

Stop worrying.

/stɒp/

It's you and me.

/juː/ /ænd/ /miː/

It already has everything it needs.

/ɪt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hæz/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɪt/

"Unexpected number of testicles?"

/ˈnʌmbər/

It happens. I knew a guy in med school...

/ɪt/ /ˈhæpənz/ /njuː/ /ɡaɪ/ /skuːl/

We used to joke that he was one ball away from getting walked.

/wiː/ /dʒoʊk/ /ðæt/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /bɔːl/ /əˈweɪ/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

What up, Bro-seph Lieberman?

/wɒt/ /ʌp/

No, uh-uh. Randy, we never use the word "bro"

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /juːz/ /wɜːrd/ /broʊ/

in the name of a failed Democratic vice presidential candidate.

/neɪm/ /feɪld/

Good-bye, "Geraldine Ferrar-bro."

You know what? I'm excited about this, Randy.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /əˈbaʊt/

You will be my next masterpiece. It's like with Ted.

/juː/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /nɛkst/ /ˈmɑːstəpiːs/ /laɪk/ /wɪð/

When I first met him, he was an even bigger loser than you.

/wɛn/ /fɜːrst/ /hɪm/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈiːvən/ /ðæn/ /juː/

What a loser.

/wɒt/

But tonight, I am going to make you the greatest wingman

/bʌt/ /təˈnaɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /meɪk/ /juː/

in the history of wingmen.

/ˈhɪstəri/

Oh, it's gonna be easier than you think, bro.

/biː/ /ðæn/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /broʊ/

Yeah, I've been reading your blog for years.

/ˈriː.dɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /fɔːr/

You are like a God to me.

/juː/ /laɪk/ /miː/

That's why tonight is going to be legendary...

/waɪ/ /təˈnaɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/

wait for it...

/weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

dary.

Okay, Randy, let's do this.

/duː/

- You ready? - Yes.

/juː/ /ˈrɛd.i/

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - What? What's the matter?

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈmætər/

Nothing. Let's do this.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /duː/

No, no, no, no, no, please, please, please. Just wait. Just wait.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /pliːz/ /pliːz/ /pliːz/ /dʒʌst/ /weɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /weɪt/

- Just wait. Just wait! - Randy, what are you doing?

/dʒʌst/ /weɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /weɪt/ /wɒt/ /juː/

Dripping with game, that's what I'm doing.

/wɪð/ /ɡeɪm/ /wɒt/

Okay, let's go. No. Yes. No!

/ɡoʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Randy, listen to me: you can do this, okay?

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /miː/ /juː/ /kæn/ /duː/

Oh, I don't know. Are those girls really that hot?

/noʊ/ /ðoʊz/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ðæt/ /hɒt/

Yeah, they're hot. Let's do this. Okay!

/hɒt/ /duː/

Hey, ladies.

Have you met...

/hæv/ /juː/

- Hey. - Hey!

So, here's the plan.

/plæn/

Take a horse-drawn carriage through the park, and it just so happens

/teɪk/ /θruː/ /pɑːrk/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhæpənz/

the Philharmonic is playing an open-air...

/ɪz/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/

Ted. Five years.

/faɪv/

- Straight to the hotel? - Straight to the hotel.

/streɪt/ /hoʊˈtɛl/ /streɪt/ /hoʊˈtɛl/

I'll get my bag.

/ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /bæɡ/

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

/ɡaɪz/

Hey.

So, uh, looking forward to tonight?

/ˈfɔːr.wərd/ /təˈnaɪt/

Yeah. Definitely. It's been such a long time since I've had a night out.

/ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /sʌtʃ/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/ /sɪns/ /hæd/ /naɪt/ /aʊt/

Yeah, we heard.

/wiː/ /hɜːrd/

I would explode if it had been that long since I had a "night out."

/wʊd/ /ɪf/ /ɪt/ /hæd/ /ðæt/ /lɔːŋ/ /sɪns/ /hæd/ /naɪt/ /aʊt/

This one wakes me up at 4:00 a.m. sometimes

/miː/ /ʌp/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/

just to have a little "night out."

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /naɪt/ /aʊt/

Um, what are you guys talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/

Nothing. Pizza. What are you talking about?

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

Ted, you told them, didn't you?

/juː/ /toʊld/ /ðɛm/ /juː/

Told them what?

/toʊld/ /ðɛm/ /wɒt/

You told them that I haven't had sex in five years.

/juː/ /toʊld/ /ðɛm/ /ðæt/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /faɪv/

You haven't had sex in five years?!

/juː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /faɪv/

That is a shocking revelation that we're just finding out about right now.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈfaɪndɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Stella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told them.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hæv/ /toʊld/ /ðɛm/

But they're my best friends. I tell them everything.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛndz/ /tɛl/ /ðɛm/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

I didn't even think about it.

/ˈiːvən/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Ted, that was so personal.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈpɜːrsənl/

- Now your friends think I'm a freak. - No, they don't.

/naʊ/ /jʊr/ /frɛndz/ /θɪŋk/ /friːk/ /noʊ/ /ðeɪ/

Look, I realize it's weird, okay?

/lʊk/

Not many people go five years without having sex.

/ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ɡoʊ/ /faɪv/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /sɛks/

13 years?!

I peaked really young.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /jʌŋ/

That's why it was difficult for me to tell you.

/waɪ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈdɪfɪkʌlt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /tɛl/ /juː/

But I did tell you because I thought that I could trust you.

/bʌt/ /dɪd/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /θɔːt/ /ðæt/ /kʊd/ /trʌst/ /juː/

You can trust me.

/juː/ /kæn/ /trʌst/ /miː/

Obviously, I can't.

/ˈɒbviəsli/

You know, there's always a reason not to sleep with a guy, and

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈriːzən/ /sliːp/ /wɪð/ /ɡaɪ/ /ænd/

you just gave me yours.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /jɔːrz/

Wait, did I give you a reason, or were you looking for one?

/weɪt/ /dɪd/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈriːzən/ /wɜːr/ /juː/ /fɔːr/

Why would I be looking for one?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /fɔːr/

Because things are getting serious between us,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /ʌs/

and that scares you.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /juː/

Good night, Ted.

/ɡʊd/ /naɪt/

Okay, Randy,

now, tell me, without looking at your hand,

/naʊ/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /jʊr/ /hænd/

what are the three beginner techniques for picking up a woman at a bar?

/wɒt/ /θriː/ /fɔːr/ /ʌp/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /bɑːr/

Isolate her from her friends;

/hɜːr/ /hɜːr/ /frɛndz/

repeat her name in conversation;

/rɪˈpiːt/ /hɜːr/ /neɪm/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

subtly put her down.

/pʊt/ /hɜːr/ /daʊn/

Excellent.

/ˈɛksələnt/

Now... let's put those to use.

/naʊ/ /pʊt/ /ðoʊz/ /juːz/

I'm right behind you.

/raɪt/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /juː/

Hi, I'm Randy. What's your name?

/jʊr/ /neɪm/

- Haley. - Haley. - Haley. - Haley.

Haley, that's a pretty name, Haley. Haley...

/ˈprɪti/ /neɪm/

come here, Haley.

/kʌm/ /hɪr/

Okay.

Haley, you are a fat ugly whore.

/juː/ /fæt/ /ˈʌɡli/

I'm sorry, Barney.

/ˈsɒr.i/

So you got a drink thrown in your face. Happens to me all the time.

/juː/ /drɪŋk/ /jʊr/ /feɪs/ /ˈhæpənz/ /miː/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Pretty soon you'll be able to anticipate it,

/ˈprɪti/ /suːn/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /ɪt/

and when you do? Free drink.

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /duː/ /friː/ /drɪŋk/

Oh, hey.

We got two live ones.

/wiː/ /tuː/ /lɪv/

New plan: this time follow my lead.

/njuː/ /plæn/ /taɪm/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /maɪ/ /liːd/

Evening, ladies.

/ˈiːvnɪŋ/

Oh, I like your broach. What is that?

/laɪk/ /jʊr/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Oh, it's a koala bear. I think they're adorable.

/bɛr/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈdɔːrəbəl/

No way!

/noʊ/ /weɪ/

My friend Randy here is the leading expert on koala bears in Australia!

/maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /hɪr/ /ɪz/ /ˈɛkspɜːrt/ /ɒn/

He's in town working with the Bronx Zoo.

/taʊn/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /wɪð/

You are? That is so cool!

/juː/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /kuːl/

What is your favorite thing about koala bears?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Their...

/ðɛr/

meat is delicious.

/miːt/ /ɪz/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/

- I'm sorry, Barney. - Ah, it's okay.

/ˈsɒr.i/

New plan: we need to get you comfortable

/njuː/ /plæn/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/ /ˈkʌmftəbl/

just saying words to women.

/dʒʌst/ /wɜːrdz/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

Now, there's no reason to be nervous, because my friend, Robin,

/naʊ/ /noʊ/ /ˈriːzən/ /biː/ /ˈnɜːrvəs/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/

has agreed to help out.

/hæz/ /hɛlp/ /aʊt/

Because you threatened to put a video of us on the Internet,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /pʊt/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /ʌs/ /ɒn/ /ˈɪntərˌnɛt/

which I'm still not convinced you have.

/wɪtʃ/ /juː/ /hæv/

Right, which is why you came all the way from Brooklyn at midnight.

/raɪt/ /wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/

Now Randy,

/naʊ/

let's keep it simple.

/kiːp/ /ɪt/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

Just start by introducing yourself.

/dʒʌst/ /stɑːrt/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Hi. My name's Randy.

/maɪ/

Hi, Randy.

- How are you? - I'm good. How are you?

/haʊ/ /juː/ /ɡʊd/ /haʊ/ /juː/

- Good, thank you. - Great.

/ɡʊd/ /juː/ /ɡreɪt/

You're doing really, really well. Now ask her what she's doing later.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɛl/ /naʊ/ /æsk/ /hɜːr/ /wɒt/ /ˈleɪtər/

What are you doing later?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ˈleɪtər/

Yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet.

/jʊr/ /noʊz/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/

Oh, God. This happens every time I get an erection. I am so sorry.

/ˈhæpənz/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Okay. Okay, new plan.

/njuː/ /plæn/

We wrap his face in gauze so he can't bleed or talk.

/wiː/ /hɪz/ /feɪs/ /hiː/ /tɔːk/

- You are the woman... - Barney,

/juː/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

why are you so desperate to have this happen?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈhæpən/

I'm a wingman. That's what wingmen do.

/wɒt/ /duː/

Is it possible that you're trying to fill the void

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /ðæt/ /fɪl/

of losing Ted by rushing into a new wingman relationship?

/njuː/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

What are you saying?

/wɒt/ /juː/

I'm saying that Randy is your rebound bro.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /broʊ/

No. That's crazy.

/noʊ/ /ˈkreɪzi/

What Randy and I have is real.

/wɒt/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /ɪz/ /riːl/

No, it's not, Barney. And even if you got Randy laid tonight,

/noʊ/ /ænd/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /təˈnaɪt/

would it feel anywhere near as meaningful as when you got Ted laid?

/wʊd/ /ɪt/ /fiːl/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/ /nɪər/ /wɛn/ /juː/

He was just so happy the next morning, you know?

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhæp.i/ /nɛkst/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I know.

/noʊ/

All right. It hasn't clotted but I think

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɪt/ /bʌt/ /θɪŋk/

it's pretty much draining backwards now.

/ˈprɪti/ /mʌtʃ/ /naʊ/

Randy. Randy.

I've been thinking,

this isn't working out.

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /aʊt/

Yeah, I figured.

I knew I couldn't fly this close to the sun without getting burned.

/njuː/ /flaɪ/ /kloʊs/ /sʌn/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

This is the story of my life. I always let people down.

/ɪz/ /ˈstɔːri/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /lɛt/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /daʊn/

You, my dad, the chief.

/juː/ /maɪ/ /dæd/

The chief?

Yeah, I was a cop for like three months.

/wɒz/ /fɔːr/ /laɪk/ /θriː/

But I got kicked off the force because I screwed up so much

/bʌt/ /ɒf/ /fɔːrs/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ʌp/ /mʌtʃ/

I was an insurance liability.

/wɒz/

You were a New York City police officer and you didn't tell me?

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ænd/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/

Wow! Did you ever shoot anybody?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ʃuːt/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/

- Only all the time. - But not himself.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/ /bʌt/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

- And not in the foot. - Actually...

/ænd/ /fʊt/ /ˈæktʃuəli/

- Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah. - but nothing.

/bʌt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

I don't think there's anything hotter than a cop.

/θɪŋk/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈhɒtər/ /ðæn/

Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding.

/juː/ /jʊr/ /noʊz/ /ɪz/

Old injury. The bullet's still lodged in his sinus.

/oʊld/ /ˈɪndʒəri/ /hɪz/

Oh, my God! You know what?

/maɪ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I live right around the corner. Can I take you to my place and fix you up?

/lɪv/ /raɪt/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈkɔːrnər/ /kæn/ /teɪk/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/ /ænd/ /fɪks/ /juː/ /ʌp/

That would be very nice.

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /naɪs/

Have a great time, you two.

/hæv/ /ɡreɪt/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /tuː/

Oh, my God, thank you. I can't thank you enough.

/maɪ/ /juː/ /juː/ /ɪˈnʌf/

I am the greatest wingman of all time.

/ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Ted doesn't know what he's missing.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/

You had to mention Ted, didn't you?

/juː/ /hæd/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /juː/

Okay, I really overreacted last night. I'm sorry.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Maybe I have some trust issues, but believe me, I have earned them.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /trʌst/ /bʌt/ /bɪˈliːv/ /miː/ /hæv/ /ðɛm/

You said that I was looking for a reason for this whole thing to fall apart.

/juː/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈriːzən/ /fɔːr/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /fɔːl/

Well, you're onto me, Ted.

/wɛl/ /miː/

That's actually something that I do a lot.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /duː/ /lɒt/

But I'm not going to do that with you.

/bʌt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Ted... Ted...

I'm in. Em tham gia

This is awkward. I have a girl here.

/ɪz/ /ˈɔːkwərd/ /hæv/ /ɡɜːrl/ /hɪr/

Come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

There is something that I'm ready to do with you.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /duː/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Ted, this is Lucy.

/ɪz/

- Hi, Lucy. - Lucy, this is Ted.

/ɪz/

Stella and I thought our relationship

/ænd/ /θɔːt/ /aʊər/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

was going to take a big step that weekend.

/wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /teɪk/ /bɪɡ/ /stɛp/ /ðæt/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

Turned out, it took an even bigger one.

/aʊt/ /ɪt/ /tʊk/ /ˈiːvən/

- She's sound asleep. - Oh. She is so great.

/saʊnd/ /əˈsliːp/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/

I think so.

/θɪŋk/

So, uh, I was thinking,

/wɒz/

my sister is in town until tomorrow.

/maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/ /ɪz/ /taʊn/ /ənˈtɪl/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

And, uh, there's a motel just down the turnpike.

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /daʊn/

- Wow, that was amazing! - Oh, yeah.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

What are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

I gotta call Marshall and Lily. Tell them about this.

/kɔːl/ /ænd/ /tɛl/ /ðɛm/ /əˈbaʊt/