Season 3 · Tập 20

Kids, this is the story of the cab ride that changed my life.

/kɪdz/ /ɪz/ /ˈstɔːri/ /kæb/ /raɪd/ /ðæt/ /tʃeɪndʒd/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

I know it sounds crazy,

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /ˈkreɪzi/

but for all I know my life would be very different

/bʌt/ /fɔːr/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

if I had taken, say...

/ɪf/ /hæd/ /seɪ/

that cab.

/ðæt/ /kæb/

Or that cab.

/ðæt/ /kæb/

God knows what would have happened if I had gotten into that cab.

/wɒt/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ɪf/ /hæd/ /ðæt/ /kæb/

I took this cab.

/tʊk/ /kæb/

And it changed my whole life.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /tʃeɪndʒd/ /maɪ/ /hoʊl/ /laɪf/

But first, we need to back up a little.

/bʌt/ /fɜːrst/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /bæk/ /ʌp/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Is there any beer in the fridge?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /bɪər/ /frɪdʒ/

It's 10:00 in the morning.

/ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Grab me one?

/ɡræb/ /miː/

So... something bad just happened.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /bæd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhæpənd/

Stella and I were out having breakfast.

/ænd/ /wɜːr/ /aʊt/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/

So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.

/maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

Well, I can finally say it. I hated that guy!

/wɛl/ /kæn/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /ˈheɪtɪd/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

Everything out of his mouth is, "I'm a vegan.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /hɪz/ /maʊθ/ /ɪz/

"Fish feel pain. I'm never constipated."

/fɪʃ/ /fiːl/ /peɪn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

The guy's an idiot.

/ˈɪdiət/

Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈmæriɪŋ/ /hɪm/ /dʒʌst/ /jʊr/ /ˈɒnɪst/

He's actually a really nice guy. I think there's a wisdom to...

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /naɪs/ /ɡaɪ/ /θɪŋk/

Anyway they pick a date so, uh,

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ðeɪ/ /pɪk/ /deɪt/

you want to come with me, so that we can laugh our asses off

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /kʌm/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /læf/ /aʊər/ /ɒf/

as we watch him walk barefoot down the aisle in a hemp tuxedo?

/wiː/ /wɒtʃ/ /hɪm/ /wɔːk/ /daʊn/

- Yeah, sure. When is it? - First weekend in November.

/ʃʊr/ /wɛn/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

Is that the something bad? That she invited you to a wedding?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /bæd/ /ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /juː/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Six months from now. As in...

/sɪks/ /naʊ/

we'll be together six months from now.

/biː/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /sɪks/ /naʊ/

Do you guys remember Barney's whole thing about making plans in a relationship?

/duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

Fourth row.

/roʊ/

Ted, no. You're violating the date-time continuum.

/noʊ/

You never make plans with a girl further in the future

/juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /meɪk/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

than the amount of time you've been going out.

/ðæn/ /taɪm/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /aʊt/

You've been dating this girl for, what, two weeks?

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /fɔːr/ /wɒt/ /tuː/

No, you're not taking her to a Springsteen concert in January.

/noʊ/ /hɜːr/ /ˈkɒnsərt/

By that time you won't even remember this Robin girl's name.

/ðæt/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /neɪm/

Man, I love Springsteen!

/mæn/ /lʌv/

He's like the American Bryan Adams.

/laɪk/

But Barney had a point.

/bʌt/ /hæd/ /pɔɪnt/

As soon as she started talking about the wedding, it freaked me out.

/suːn/ /ʃiː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /miː/ /aʊt/

Oh, that sounds like so much fun.

/ðæt/ /laɪk/ /mʌtʃ/ /fʌn/

So I get to look forward to it for six months.

/ɡɛt/ /lʊk/ /ˈfɔːr.wərd/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /sɪks/

Which is twice as long as we've been dating.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

I'm sure your daughter Lucy will come so it'll be like a...

/ʃʊr/ /jʊr/ /ˈdɔːtər/ /wɪl/ /kʌm/ /biː/ /laɪk/

a family trip.

/ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /trɪp/

Our first trip as our funny little family.

/aʊər/ /fɜːrst/ /trɪp/ /aʊər/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

So that... that'll be super-exciting.

/ðæt/ /biː/

Oh, boy.

/bɔɪ/

Man, they crank up the heat in these places.

/mæn/ /ðeɪ/ /ʌp/ /ðiːz/

What's going on, Ted?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

We need to talk.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/

- Oh. - "We need to talk?"

/wiː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/

There's only two situations where you say that to someone and

/ˈoʊnli/ /tuː/ /wɛr/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ænd/

unless you're pregnant, it sounds like you broke up with her.

/ənˈlɛs/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Yeah, I did.

/dɪd/

So how did she take it?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /ʃiː/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/

I'm only trying to be honest with you.

/ˈoʊnli/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /wɪð/ /juː/

You know, Ted.

/juː/ /noʊ/

- I have to go to work. - Stella, can we just...

/hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɜːrk/ /kæn/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/

I don't want to leave it like this.

/wɒnt/ /liːv/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/

No, Ted, it's okay.

/noʊ/

We're good.

/ɡʊd/

Look, I know it sounds rough,

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /rʌf/

but Stella's a mom. I have to be responsible.

/bʌt/ /mɒm/ /hæv/ /biː/ /rɪˈspɒnsɪbl/

If I'm having these feelings now,

/ɪf/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ðiːz/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /naʊ/

what if they don't go away?

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /ðeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈweɪ/

What if they just get worse and worse and six months from now,

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /wɜːrs/ /ænd/ /wɜːrs/ /ænd/ /sɪks/ /naʊ/

I break up with her over tofu salmon at her sister's wedding?

/breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɜːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

I can't do that to her. And I definitely can't do that to her daughter.

/duː/ /ðæt/ /hɜːr/ /ænd/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈdɔːtər/

It sucks, but I'm being the good guy here.

/ɪt/ /bʌt/ /ɡʊd/ /ɡaɪ/ /hɪr/

This is the right decision.

/ɪz/ /raɪt/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/

Which brings me back to the cab ride.

/wɪtʃ/ /brɪŋz/ /miː/ /bæk/ /kæb/ /raɪd/

Hello, may I speak with Marshall Eriksen?

/meɪ/ /spiːk/ /wɪð/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

Jell-O?

How I Met Your Mother 3x20 - Miracles - How I Met Your Mother 3x20 - Miracles -

/haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

Can you believe this? You're totally fine.

/kæn/ /juː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /faɪn/

No, I'm not fine. I made the biggest mistake of my life.

/noʊ/ /faɪn/ /mɪˈsteɪk/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

I want Stella back. I've left her like ten messages, but her phone's off.

/wɒnt/ /bæk/ /lɛft/ /hɜːr/ /laɪk/ /tɛn/ /bʌt/ /hɜːr/ /ɒf/

She's at that arcade Kiddie Funland with her daughter.

/ðæt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ˈdɔːtər/

Please. Let me go to Kiddie Funland.

/pliːz/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/

You can say that all you want, buddy, but you're not getting any morphine.

/juː/ /kæn/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈbʌdi/ /bʌt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈɛn.i/

No, I'm serious. I got to get out of here.

/noʊ/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

You're not going anywhere until we get the tests back.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/ /ənˈtɪl/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/

You could have internal bleeding.

/juː/ /kʊd/ /hæv/

Your brain could be all full of blood.

/jʊr/ /breɪn/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /ɔːl/ /fʊl/

Think that's good for it? It ain't.

/θɪŋk/ /ɡʊd/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /ɪt/

This sucks.

- This sucks. This sucks. - Are you...

/juː/

are you kidding me?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

You walked away from a car accident without a scratch.

/juː/ /əˈweɪ/ /kɑːr/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

A miracle took place today.

/tʊk/ /pleɪs/ /təˈdeɪ/

Here we go.

/hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

You don't think this was a miracle?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /wɒz/

There's no such thing as miracles.

/noʊ/ /sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋ/

March 2006, MacLaren's Bar.

/bɑːr/

- That's terrible. That's in! - Gentle. Gentle.

/ˈtɛrɪbl/ /ˈdʒɛntl/ /ˈdʒɛntl/

Here we go.

/hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Bravo. Cheers...

- No... way. - That did not just happen.

/noʊ/ /weɪ/ /ðæt/ /dɪd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhæpən/

Am I dead?

/dɛd/

Am I dead?

/dɛd/

Miracle!

A pencil went up Barney's nose, and you call it a miracle.

/wɛnt/ /ʌp/ /noʊz/ /ænd/ /juː/ /kɔːl/ /ɪt/

Well, do you have a better explanation for it?

/wɛl/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

A drunk jackass with a box of pencils?

/drʌŋk/ /wɪð/ /bɒks/

A drunk jackass called "God!"

/drʌŋk/

And a box of pencils called "destiny!"

/ænd/ /bɒks/

Speaking of Barney, I should give him a call.

/ˈspiːkɪŋ/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /kɔːl/

Why? We're not friends anymore.

/waɪ/ /frɛndz/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

You'd want to know if this happened to him.

/wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /ˈhæpənd/ /hɪm/

Go for Barney.

/ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/

Hey, Barney. Listen, I have something to tell you.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /hæv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /tɛl/ /juː/

Oh, boy, here we go.

/bɔɪ/ /hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

I've been waiting for this one. You talked to Robin.

/fɔːr/ /juː/

She told you what's under the hood

/ʃiː/ /toʊld/ /juː/ /ˈʌndər/

and you want to take it for a spin yourself.

/ænd/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Not even if you boiled it in detergent.

/ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ɪt/

It's about Ted.

/əˈbaʊt/

Ted? Ah ah, ah ah.

My former best friend Ted who I asked you never to mention to me again?

/maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /huː/ /juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /miː/ /əˈɡɛn/

Yeah.

He's been in a car accident. He's at Saint Anthony's hospital.

/kɑːr/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/

Everything's...

No, I understand.

/noʊ/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

You've got that important thing.

/ðæt/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /θɪŋ/

Okay. Oh, of course...

/kɔːrs/

I'll tell him you love him. Okay.

/tɛl/ /hɪm/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /hɪm/

Suit up!

/suːt/ /ʌp/

He is always saying stuff like that!

/hiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /stʌf/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

- He hung up, didn't he? - Yeah.

/hiː/ /ʌp/ /hiː/

See, I told you. We're not friends anymore.

/siː/ /toʊld/ /juː/ /frɛndz/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

My best friend need me!

/maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /niːd/ /miː/

What did he say?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /hiː/ /seɪ/

A hundred and thir... What?

/ˈhʌndrəd/ /ænd/ /wɒt/

You... Ah, come on!

/juː/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

I'm coming, Ted.

So, what made you change your mind about Stella?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/ /əˈbaʊt/

Well, I was in the cab,

/wɛl/ /wɒz/ /kæb/

and the car was coming at me,

/ænd/ /kɑːr/ /wɒz/ /miː/

and you know how they say that your whole life

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /hoʊl/ /laɪf/

flashes before your eyes in a near-death experience?

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /jʊr/ /aɪz/ /ɪkˈspɪəriəns/

It doesn't.

/ɪt/

You don't see everything.

/juː/ /siː/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Just the things you love.

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋz/ /juː/ /lʌv/

I realized in that moment that

/ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /ðæt/

Stella is the most important thing in my life and I have to get her back.

/ɪz/ /moʊst/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /θɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/ /bæk/

Miracle!

Very sweet. Very romantic.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /swiːt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

Not a miracle.

July 1999. Kennedy Airport.

/ˈɛərpɔːrt/

So, did you enjoy...

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/

Amsterdam?

No. Nothing illegal.

/noʊ/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ɪˈliːɡəl/

Just a paintings.

/dʒʌst/

All right, Bob Marley. Let's have a conversation.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /hæv/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

Shift change. Thay ca.

/ʃɪft/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

Oh, Amsterdam.

All right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Float on through, brother.

/ɒn/ /θruː/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

Miracle!

Don't you go into the light! Don't you do it!

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /laɪt/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Hey, Mosby, you got a visitor.

/juː/

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

/ɡaɪz/

Can you guys, uh, give us a minute?

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɡɪv/ /ʌs/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Stella, before you say anything...

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

- I love you. - I love you, too.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /juː/

- Can we just forget about... - It's forgotten.

/kæn/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /əˈbaʊt/

Is this your chart?

/ɪz/ /jʊr/

Okay. Uh-huh.

Everything looks good.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/

I think you can handle it.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ˈhændl/ /ɪt/

Handle what?

/ˈhændl/ /wɒt/

Aww! Aww!

/ɔː/ /ɔː/

This morning he dumped her and now

/ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /hiː/ /dʌmpt/ /hɜːr/ /ænd/ /naʊ/

she's dry-humping him on a hospital bed.

/hɪm/ /ɒn/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/ /bɛd/

- Miracle! - Yeah,

you know, I bet if you call up the Vatican,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /bɛt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /kɔːl/ /ʌp/

they will tell you that most of their certified miracles involve dry-humping

/ðeɪ/ /wɪl/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /moʊst/ /ðɛr/ /ɪnˈvɒlv/

so.

April 2008. Lily's kindergarten classroom.

/ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/ /ˈklæsruːm/

You're gonna go in there and beg for your old job back?

/ɡoʊ/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /oʊld/ /dʒɒb/ /bæk/

That's crazy. You hated it there.

/ˈkreɪzi/ /juː/ /ˈheɪtɪd/ /ɪt/ /ðɛr/

I know, the job market is just really bad right now.

/noʊ/ /dʒɒb/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bæd/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Hey, kids,

/kɪdz/

who wants Uncle Marshall to get his old job back?

/huː/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪz/ /oʊld/ /dʒɒb/ /bæk/

They'll cheer for anything if you say it like that.

/fɔːr/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Kids,

/kɪdz/

a super tanker spilled five million gallons of oil

/ˈsuːpər/ /faɪv/ /ˈmɪljən/ /ɔɪl/

off the coast of Alaska this morning!

/ɒf/ /koʊst/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Hello, Marshall.

Mr. Hewitt, I came here to apologize.

/hɪr/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/

I'm going to go grab some more glue. Will you watch them for a sec?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡræb/ /sʌm/ /mɔːr/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /wɒtʃ/ /ðɛm/ /fɔːr/

Of course.

/kɔːrs/

Leaving Nicholson, Hewitt, and West was a huge mistake,

/ænd/ /wɛst/ /wɒz/ /hjuːdʒ/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

and I can see that now. So...

/ænd/ /kæn/ /siː/ /ðæt/ /naʊ/

who wants to see the big guy put on these tiny hats?

/huː/ /siː/ /bɪɡ/ /ɡaɪ/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /ðiːz/ /ˈtaɪni/

My behavior was disrespectful.

/maɪ/ /wɒz/

It was unprofessional.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

I'm a pilgrim.

I know it looks like I have a tiny hat,

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/ /hæv/ /ˈtaɪni/ /hæt/

but in reality, I have an abnormally large head!

/bʌt/ /hæv/ /lɑːrdʒ/ /hɛd/

I was going through a stressful time.

/wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /taɪm/

I wasn't getting enough sleep.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /sliːp/

Fourscore and seven years ago,

/ænd/ /ˈsɛvən/ /əˈɡoʊ/

I had a great, big giant head!

/hæd/ /ɡreɪt/ /bɪɡ/ /hɛd/

I had just bought an apartment, and

/hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /bɔːt/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ænd/

there were some problems. I don't want to bore you with the details.

/ðɛr/ /wɜːr/ /sʌm/ /wɒnt/ /juː/ /wɪð/

I only regret that I have but one giant head to give for my country.

/ˈoʊnli/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /bʌt/ /hɛd/ /ɡɪv/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈkʌn.tri/

Sir, if you could just see your way into giving me one more chance,

/sɜːr/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /weɪ/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /miː/ /mɔːr/ /tʃæns/

- I promise... - Marshall.

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/

I'm willing to give this a second chance.

/ɡɪv/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /tʃæns/

I remember my first years as an attorney.

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/

Why, I don't know how many hours I spent. I don't think I ever left...

/waɪ/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈaʊərz/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /lɛft/

Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

I have lice.

/hæv/

Those little bastards gave me lice.

/ðoʊz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡeɪv/ /miː/

God, it itches. Don't scratch it.

/ɪt/ /ɪt/

You'll look like a fool. You'll never get your job back.

/lʊk/ /laɪk/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /dʒɒb/ /bæk/

You can scratch, but just make it subtle.

/juː/ /kæn/ /bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/

Okay, that's not working.

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/

Oh, sweet, sharp corner of the desk,

/swiːt/ /ʃɑːrp/ /ˈkɔːrnər/ /dɛsk/

how I long to rub my infested scalp against you.

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /maɪ/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /juː/

- You okay, Eriksen? - Oh! Oh, yes, I'm good.

/juː/ /ɡʊd/

I am good. Continue.

/ɡʊd/ /kənˈtɪnjuː/

Mind over matter. There are no lice in my hair...

/maɪnd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈmætər/ /ðɛr/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /hɛr/

laying eggs, burrowing into my scalp,

/ɛɡz/ /maɪ/

eating their way all the way down to my brain!

/ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /ðɛr/ /weɪ/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /daʊn/ /maɪ/ /breɪn/

I have lice!

/hæv/

"Lice"?! Lice! Get out! Get out of my office!

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈɒfɪs/

We've got lice! Everybody out of the building.

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /aʊt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

If it weren't for the lice, I would have gotten my job back,

/ɪf/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /maɪ/ /dʒɒb/ /bæk/

and I would have been working there when,

/ænd/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /ðɛr/ /wɛn/

two weeks later, the Securities and Exchange Commission came a-knocking.

/tuː/ /ˈleɪtər/ /ænd/ /ɪksˈtʃeɪndʒ/

God sent those lice to my head like he sent the locusts to Egypt:

/sɛnt/ /ðoʊz/ /maɪ/ /hɛd/ /laɪk/ /hiː/ /sɛnt/

to liberate me from corporate bondage.

/miː/

Miracle.

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

I'm just so glad you and Ted are back together.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡlæd/ /juː/ /ænd/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Wait, um, what do you mean "back together?"

/weɪt/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Well, you know, since you guys broke up.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /sɪns/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ʌp/

What? Oh, no. It was just a small fight. That wasn't a breakup.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /smɔːl/ /faɪt/ /ðæt/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

Was that a breakup? Did he think that was a breakup?

/wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/ /dɪd/ /hiː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

What?

/wɒt/

Son of a bitch!

/sʌn/

That was a breakup. Wasn't it? You broke up with me.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't know that was a breakup.

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

Are you kidding?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

I said, "I feel awful." You said,

/sɛd/ /fiːl/ /juː/ /sɛd/

"We're good." Then you got up and left.

/ɡʊd/ /ðɛn/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /lɛft/

Yeah, I said, "We're good," as in "We're good."

/sɛd/ /ɡʊd/ /ɡʊd/

Like when the waiter comes around and asks if you want any more muffins,

/laɪk/ /wɛn/ /ˈweɪtər/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈɛn.i/ /mɔːr/

and you say, "We're good."

/ænd/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɡʊd/

Exactly, and I took that "We're good" to mean

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /ænd/ /tʊk/ /ðæt/ /ɡʊd/ /miːn/

you didn't want any more metaphorical relationship muffins.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈɛn.i/ /mɔːr/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

This is crazy.

/ɪz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Forget about all that. That was a whole

/fərˈɡɛt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /hoʊl/

life-changing car accident ago.

/kɑːr/ /əˈɡoʊ/

I love you. I don't want to break up.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/

But you did. You did want to.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /wɒnt/

If you had those feelings once,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /hæd/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /wʌns/

then you're going to have those feelings again,

/ðɛn/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hæv/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /əˈɡɛn/

and you're going to keep on having them.

/ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /kiːp/ /ɒn/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ðɛm/

And I can't count on that car to hit you every time you do.

/ænd/ /kaʊnt/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /kɑːr/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /duː/

What are you saying?

/wɒt/ /juː/

I'm saying...

you wanted your breakup,

/juː/ /jʊr/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

- you got it. - What?! Stella, wait!

/juː/ /ɪt/ /wɒt/ /weɪt/

No, you know what, Ted? We're good.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɡʊd/

So you broke up with her and she didn't know it.

/juː/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ænd/ /ʃiː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/

Apparently.

And you actually said, "I want to break up?"

/ænd/ /juː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /sɛd/ /wɒnt/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/

No, of course not. Who says "I want to break up?"

/noʊ/ /kɔːrs/ /huː/ /wɒnt/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/

That's a horrible thing to say.

/ˈhɒrɪbl/ /θɪŋ/ /seɪ/

Well, that's true.

/wɛl/ /truː/

- Hello? - Hi, Ted Mosby?

We have you listed as the emergency contact for Barney Stinson.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /juː/ /ɪˈmɜːrdʒənsi/ /ˈkɒntækt/ /fɔːr/

What is it?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

What it was was this.

/wɒt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /wɒz/

I made it. I made it!

/ɪt/ /ɪt/

Dude, I...

I can't believe you ran all the way up here.

/bɪˈliːv/ /juː/ /ræn/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /ʌp/ /hɪr/

Jeez. Flatter yourself much?

/jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /mʌtʃ/

What an ego on this guy.

/wɒt/ /ɒn/ /ɡaɪ/

Um, I was up in this part of town because

/wɒz/ /ʌp/ /pɑːrt/ /taʊn/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

I had to attend a very important international business meeting.

/hæd/ /əˈtɛnd/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ˈbɪznɪs/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/

If you're here to come crawling back, just save it.

/ɪf/ /hɪr/ /kʌm/ /bæk/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪv/ /ɪt/

I'm doing awesome without you.

/ˈɔːsəm/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /juː/

Even better now, 'cause I can play the sympathy card with the females.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /naʊ/ /kɔːz/ /kæn/ /pleɪ/ /wɪð/

And BTW, there's one bone downstairs that ain't broken.

/ænd/ /ˌdaʊnˈstɛrz/ /ðæt/

Marshall, you know what I'm talking about.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

Up top!

/ʌp/ /tɒp/

Are you sure?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/

Yeah, dude. Why do you think I had them set it this way?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /hæd/ /ðɛm/ /sɛt/ /ɪt/ /weɪ/

Okay.

Worth it.

/wɜːrθ/ /ɪt/

Barney, you, uh...

/juː/

You could've died.

/juː/ /daɪd/

Ted, I'm sorry I broke the Bro Code.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

No, I'm sorry.

/noʊ/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Ted, can we be friends again?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /biː/ /frɛndz/ /əˈɡɛn/

Barney, come on, we're... we're more than friends.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /frɛndz/

We're brothers.

- You're my brother, Ted. - You're my brother, Barney.

/maɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /maɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

Did you hear that, Marshall? We're brothers now.

/dɪd/ /juː/ /hɪr/ /ðæt/ /naʊ/

Marshall's my brother, too.

/maɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

We're all brothers.

/ɔːl/

Yeah, but I'm your best brother, right?

/bʌt/ /jʊr/ /bɛst/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /raɪt/

And that's how your Uncle Barney and I buried the hatchet.

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ænd/

It got pretty mushy and embarrassing after that.

/ɪt/ /ˈprɪti/ /ænd/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/

Let's skip ahead.

/skɪp/

I had to look away because

/hæd/ /lʊk/ /əˈweɪ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

if I watched what the paramedics were about to do,

/ɪf/ /wɒtʃt/ /wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /duː/

I would have passed out.

/wʊd/ /hæv/ /aʊt/

Then they took out this electric

/ðɛn/ /ðeɪ/ /tʊk/ /aʊt/ /ɪˈlɛktrɪk/

blade thing and I kept thinking,

/θɪŋ/ /ænd/

"This isn't happening. This isn't happening."

/ˈhæpənɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/

Oh, my God. What did they cut?

/maɪ/ /wɒt/ /dɪd/ /ðeɪ/ /kʌt/

My suit. My beautiful suit.

/maɪ/ /suːt/ /maɪ/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /suːt/

But you're alive, and, and Ted's alive. This is amazing!

/bʌt/ /əˈlaɪv/ /ænd/ /ænd/ /əˈlaɪv/ /ɪz/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

Two miracles in one day.

/tuː/ /deɪ/

What is the matter with you?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈmætər/ /wɪð/ /juː/

How can you possibly be this cynical?!

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /biː/

You want to know?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/

You really want to know?

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/

Fine.

/faɪn/

When I was a kid,

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /kɪd/

I had this dog, Sir Scratchawan.

/hæd/ /dɔːɡ/ /sɜːr/

Anyway, Sir Scratchawan got really old,

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /sɜːr/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /oʊld/

so my parents decided to put him down.

/maɪ/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /pʊt/ /hɪm/ /daʊn/

It was the toughest day of my young life.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /deɪ/ /maɪ/ /jʌŋ/ /laɪf/

Good-bye, Sir Scratchawan.

/sɜːr/

I love you.

/lʌv/ /juː/

And when they took him to the vet,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ðeɪ/ /tʊk/ /hɪm/

he told them that earlier that very day,

/hiː/ /toʊld/ /ðɛm/ /ðæt/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /ðæt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /deɪ/

he had learned about an experimental procedure called

/hiː/ /hæd/ /lɜːrnd/ /əˈbaʊt/

a canine/testudine cerebro-xenograft.

- Ever heard of it? - No.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /hɜːrd/ /ɪt/ /noʊ/

Well, it saved Sir Scratchawan's life.

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /sɜːr/ /laɪf/

He lived another seven years.

/hiː/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈsɛvən/

Miracle.

Except for one... kind of big side effect from the surgery.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /fɔːr/ /kaɪnd/ /bɪɡ/ /saɪd/ /ˈsɜːrdʒəri/

Sir Scratchawan! Welcome home!

/sɜːr/ /ˈwɛlkəm/ /hoʊm/

He turned into a turtle.

/hiː/

I know. It's weird, right?

/noʊ/ /raɪt/

Apparently, a very common complication from

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈkɒmən/

canine/testudine cerebro-xenografts.

And he didn't seem to remember any of his old tricks.

/ænd/ /hiː/ /siːm/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ˈɛn.i/ /hɪz/ /oʊld/

Go get it, Scratchy. Go get it!

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Go get it! Get it! Go get it, Scratchy.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Go get it.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

- How long was it before...? - Longer than I'm proud of, Lily.

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/ /ðæn/ /praʊd/

Longer than I'm proud of.

/ˈlɒŋɡər/ /ðæn/ /praʊd/

And that's when I realized miracles ain't real.

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /riːl/

Excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Mosby, you're still here?

/hɪr/

Your tests came back, like, an hour ago. You're fine.

/jʊr/ /bæk/ /laɪk/ /ˈaʊ.ər/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /faɪn/

Are you kidding me? Why didn't you tell me?!

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I guess it was rude of me to keep resuscitating that guy

/ɡɛs/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ruːd/ /miː/ /kiːp/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

with a rake sticking out of his chest.

/wɪð/ /aʊt/ /hɪz/

I have to go right now. Barney, I...

/hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Go.

/ɡoʊ/

Run, Ted. Run.

/rʌn/ /rʌn/

If there's anything I've taught you over the years, it's...

/ɪf/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /tɔːt/ /juː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Barney, he left.

/hiː/ /lɛft/

Hey, Ted said that right before the accident,

/sɛd/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

his life flashed before his eyes. You know, all the stuff he loves.

/hɪz/ /laɪf/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /hɪz/ /aɪz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɔːl/ /stʌf/ /hiː/ /lʌvz/

- Did that happen to you? - Oh, yeah.

/dɪd/ /ðæt/ /ˈhæpən/ /juː/

I know what he saw: boobs.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /hiː/ /sɔː/

- Scotch. - And money.

/ænd/ /ˈmʌn.i/

- Suits. - A suit of money.

/suːt/ /ˈmʌn.i/

A suit of boobs. A giant boob

/suːt/

wearing a suit of money.

/suːt/ /ˈmʌn.i/

And the boob is lactating scotch.

/ænd/ /ɪz/

I guess that's pretty much everything you love, right?

/ɡɛs/ /ˈprɪti/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /raɪt/

Yeah, pretty much.

/ˈprɪti/ /mʌtʃ/

Kids, a lot of weird, random things have happened in my life,

/kɪdz/ /lɒt/ /θɪŋz/ /hæv/ /ˈhæpənd/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

but that car accident is one of the few I'd call a miracle,

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /kɑːr/ /ɪz/ /fjuː/ /kɔːl/

not because of what happened,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

but because of what happened next.

/bʌt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /nɛkst/

Hi.

Hi.

Can I talk to you?

/kæn/ /tɔːk/ /juː/

Okay.

I got you this orange kangaroo.

/juː/ /ˈɒrɪndʒ/

Thanks.

So I've been thinking about what changed

/əˈbaʊt/ /wɒt/ /tʃeɪndʒd/

from the moment I broke up with you

/ˈmoʊmənt/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /juː/

to the moment I knew I wanted you back. And, um,

/ˈmoʊmənt/ /njuː/ /juː/ /bæk/ /ænd/

I think I finally figured out what happened.

/θɪŋk/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /aʊt/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

Your cab got T-boned by a jackass on a cell phone?

/jʊr/ /kæb/ /ɒn/ /foʊn/

I changed.

/tʃeɪndʒd/

I'm ready to give you what you need.

/ˈrɛd.i/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /niːd/

That's why I spent ten minutes on the

/waɪ/ /tɛn/ /ɒn/

damn claw machine trying to get the big, fake diamond ring.

/məˈʃiːn/ /ɡɛt/ /bɪɡ/ /feɪk/ /rɪŋ/

But all I could get was this orange kangaroo.

/bʌt/ /ɔːl/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɒrɪndʒ/

Diamond ring?

/rɪŋ/