Season 4 · Tập 15

Check it:

/tʃɛk/ /ɪt/

Three blonde babies drinking bad decision juice at 8:00.

/θriː/ /ˈbeɪbiz/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /bæd/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/ /dʒuːs/

Nice rack radar.

/naɪs/

- That's my wife. - No, I got to get going.

/maɪ/ /waɪf/ /noʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Seriously? But they're blonde and drunk.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /bʌt/ /ænd/ /drʌŋk/

Isn't that your type?

/ðæt/ /jʊr/ /taɪp/

Maybe I don't have a type, Lily.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /hæv/ /taɪp/

God, do you think the male mind is really

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /meɪl/ /maɪnd/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

that simplistic,

/ðæt/

that we all have one favorite type?

/ðæt/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /hæv/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /taɪp/

Geez.

Asian with some boob.

/wɪð/ /sʌm/

I'm gonna hit the bathroom, then bail.

/ˈbæθruːm/ /ðɛn/

Okay, have you guys noticed Barney's been acting weird lately?

/hæv/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈæktɪŋ/

Actually, yes.

/ˈæktʃuəli/

You know how he always says never buy a girl flowers,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /hiː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /baɪ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈflaʊərz/

'cause giving her a living thing reminds her babies?

/kɔːz/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /θɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbeɪbiz/

- Sure. - Well, the other day,

/ʃʊr/ /wɛl/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /deɪ/

I saw him at that flower shop on 82nd buying roses.

/sɔː/ /hɪm/ /ðæt/ /ˈflaʊ.ər/ /ʃɒp/ /ɒn/

- What? - Now that you mention it,

/wɒt/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /ɪt/

Barney did do something kind of odd at the office yesterday.

/dɪd/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /ˈjɛs.tər.deɪ/

Okay, see you Saturday.

/siː/ /juː/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/

I'm thinking brunch, farmer's market, maybe a hike.

/brʌntʃ/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /haɪk/

I love you, too.

/lʌv/ /juː/

Bye.

/baɪ/

I figured he was just talking to some girl he was trying to nail.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /ɡɜːrl/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /neɪl/

Or Ted, but now I don't know.

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /noʊ/

Wait, do you think it's possible that Barney Stinson

/weɪt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /ðæt/

has a girlfriend?

/hæz/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

Later.

/ˈleɪtər/

Wait, Barney, hold on. Where are you going?

/weɪt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /wɛr/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Nowhere.

The beach. It's winter. Lazer Tag.

/biːtʃ/ /ˈwɪntər/

Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere.

/hoʊm/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

He's meeting her right now.

/ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

- Where is Barney going? - Yeah.

/wɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

We're not even in Manhattan anymore.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Where's this girl live?

/ɡɜːrl/ /lɪv/

We're talking about a woman who's gotten Barney Stinson to commit.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

I'm guessing Narnia.

He's stopping.

- What are you guys doing here? - Where is she?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hɪr/ /wɛr/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/

- Who? - Your girlfriend.

/huː/ /jʊr/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

You really don't have a type, do you?

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hæv/ /taɪp/ /duː/ /juː/

These are my friends.

/ðiːz/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/

Guys,

/ɡaɪz/

this is Loretta.

/ɪz/

- My mom. - It's so nice to meet you.

/maɪ/ /mɒm/ /naɪs/ /miːt/ /juː/

I feel like I already know you all.

/fiːl/ /laɪk/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /ɔːl/

Barney goes on and on about you every day when we talk.

/ɡoʊz/ /ɒn/ /ænd/ /ɒn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /deɪ/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /tɔːk/

You call your mom every day?

/juː/ /kɔːl/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /deɪ/

Mom!

/mɒm/

So that's what you were being all secretive about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/

You didn't want us to know you're a big old mama's boy.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ʌs/ /noʊ/ /bɪɡ/ /oʊld/ /bɔɪ/

Yep, you got me. Well, guess you guys can leave.

/juː/ /miː/ /wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /kæn/ /liːv/

Who are all these people?

/huː/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

I'd like you to meet Betty...

/laɪk/ /juː/ /miːt/

my wife.

/maɪ/ /waɪf/

And my son Tyler.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /sʌn/

Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow

Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready. There'll be plenty for everyone.

/ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /biː/ /ˈplɛnti/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

But remember you,

/bʌt/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /juː/

only one helping of meatloaf after what Dr. Grossbard

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /wɒt/

- said about your cholesterol. - This one wants me to live forever.

/sɛd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /miː/ /lɪv/ /fərˈɛvər/

Guilty.

/ˈɡɪlti/

- I love you. - I love you, too.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /juː/

- I love you three! - Get out of here, you little scamp!

/lʌv/ /juː/ /θriː/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

- So, I'll see you guys back at the bar? - What the hell, Barney?

/siː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /bæk/ /bɑːr/ /wɒt/

OK, it's a long story.

/lɔːŋ/ /ˈstɔːri/

As you know, my father had to leave my mom

/juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /hæd/ /liːv/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/

when I was a baby because he got hired as the host of The Price is Right.

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /hiː/ /haɪərd/ /praɪs/ /ɪz/ /raɪt/

- It was a very good show. - Bob Barker is your father.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ɡʊd/ /ʃoʊ/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

She had to raise my brother and me by herself.

/ʃiː/ /hæd/ /reɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /ænd/ /miː/

And her only wish was for her sons

/ænd/ /hɜːr/ /ˈoʊnli/ /wɪʃ/ /wɒz/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/

not to wind up alone, like she was.

/wɪnd/ /ʌp/ /əˈloʊn/ /laɪk/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/

Then about seven years ago, she got really sick.

/ðɛn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈsɛvən/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /ʃiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /sɪk/

It looked like she wasn't going to make it.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ʃiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/

So, I decided to make her wish come true.

/meɪk/ /hɜːr/ /wɪʃ/ /kʌm/ /truː/

Mom.

/mɒm/

This is Betty. We're engaged.

/ɪz/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

I hired an actress to play my fiancée "Betty".

/haɪərd/ /pleɪ/ /maɪ/

Her real name's Margaret.

/hɜːr/ /riːl/

She mostly does off-Broadway theater. Wonderful actress.

/ʃiː/ /dʌz/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/

This close to a Tony. It's all who you know.

/kloʊs/ /ɔːl/ /huː/ /juː/ /noʊ/

It's very political. I shouldn't get into it.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /pəˈlɪtɪkl/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

But there's one problem.

/bʌt/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Betty has a slight tendency to go off-book.

/hæz/ /ɡoʊ/

You see, Mom? I found someone who makes me happy.

/juː/ /siː/ /mɒm/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /huː/ /miː/ /ˈhæp.i/

Just like you wanted.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /juː/

That's wonderful.

/ˈwʌndərfəl/

I just wish I could've stuck around long enough for grandchildren.

/dʒʌst/ /wɪʃ/ /stʌk/ /əˈraʊnd/ /lɔːŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /fɔːr/

I'm pregnant!

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

And then my mom got better.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Which was miraculous. But it meant that I had to keep "Betty"

/wɪtʃ/ /wɒz/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /hæd/ /kiːp/

around and cast a kid to play my son Tyler.

/əˈraʊnd/ /ænd/ /kɪd/ /pleɪ/ /maɪ/ /sʌn/

This is crazy. You actually cast your own son?

/ɪz/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /juː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/ /sʌn/

For a while,

/fɔːr/ /waɪl/

I got by borrowing/babysitting my neighbor's baby.

/maɪ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

And this one Christmas, when my mom was plowed on eggnog,

/ænd/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /wɛn/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/

I got away with a bag of flour and a Chuckie mask.

/əˈweɪ/ /wɪð/ /bæɡ/ /ænd/

But eventually, I had to hold auditions.

/bʌt/ /hæd/ /hoʊld/

Four,

eight...

/eɪt/

13, you can stay. The rest of you may go.

/juː/ /kæn/ /steɪ/ /rɛst/ /juː/ /meɪ/ /ɡoʊ/

You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part.

/juː/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/ /ɪf/ /slɛpt/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /sʌn/ /wʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /pɑːrt/

Apparently, I'm a better actor than your kid.

/ˈbɛt.ər/ /ˈæktər/ /ðæn/ /jʊr/ /kɪd/

Bring in the 11:00's!

/brɪŋ/

And that's how the role of Tyler eventually went to...

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /roʊl/ /wɛnt/

Grant. Grant.

- Come on, Grant seems pretty good. - You think so?

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Watch this. Hey, Tyler.

/wɒtʃ/

- Grant. - Yeah?

See? It's like amateur hour over here.

/siː/ /laɪk/ /ˈaʊ.ər/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɪr/

Call me crazy, but child actors were way better back in the'80s.

/kɔːl/ /miː/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /bʌt/ /tʃaɪld/ /wɜːr/ /weɪ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /bæk/

It looks like your mom kept

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/

your childhood bedroom just the way you left it.

/jʊr/ /ˈtʃaɪldhʊd/ /ˈbɛdruːm/ /dʒʌst/ /weɪ/ /juː/ /lɛft/ /ɪt/

That sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed.

/ðæt/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/ /jʊr/ /bɛd/

Karate Kid's a great movie.

/kəˈrɑːti/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈmuːvi/

It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie

/ˈstɔːri/ /jʌŋ/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /driːmz/ /ænd/

take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship.

/teɪk/ /hɪm/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /ɔːl/ /kəˈrɑːti/

Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid.

/kɔːrs/ /hiː/ /ˈfaɪnəl/ /raʊnd/ /ðæt/ /kɪd/

But he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat.

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ˈlɛs.ən/ /əˈbaʊt/

Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid,

/weɪt/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /wɒtʃ/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/

you actually root for that mean blond boy?

/juː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /miːn/ /bɔɪ/

No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey

/noʊ/ /fɔːr/ /njuː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/

who barely even knows karate.

/huː/ /ˈiːvən/ /kəˈrɑːti/

When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid:

/wɛn/ /wɒtʃ/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/ /fɔːr/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/

Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo.

Get your head out of your ass, Lily.

/ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/

Okay, I just figured out where I know you from.

/dʒʌst/ /aʊt/ /wɛr/ /noʊ/ /juː/

I saw you perform at the Disorientation Theater

/sɔː/ /juː/ /pərˈfɔːrm/

in Bertolt Brecht's Die Heilige Johanna der Schlachth felast fall.

/daɪ/ /fɔːl/

You were a revelation!

/juː/ /wɜːr/

- Really? - Yeah.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Thanks.

I wasn't sure. I mean, the point of Brecht's work, of course, is to...

/ʃʊr/ /miːn/ /pɔɪnt/ /wɜːrk/ /kɔːrs/ /ɪz/

Alienate the audience. Sure.

/ˈɔːdiəns/ /ʃʊr/

Sorry. Brecht-o-phile right here!

/ˈsɒr.i/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/

You really know your theater.

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /noʊ/ /jʊr/

Lady Theater grabbed my heart early on and she never let go.

/ˈleɪdi/ /maɪ/ /hɑːrt/ /ˈɜːr.li/ /ɒn/ /ænd/ /ʃiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /lɛt/ /ɡoʊ/

Every year at Christmas,

/ˈɛv.ri/ /jɪr/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

I'd put on a little play for the parents with all the other kids.

/pʊt/ /ɒn/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /pleɪ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /wɪð/ /ɔːl/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /kɪdz/

Gee whiz, Santa, do you think we can take off in this kind of snow?

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /teɪk/ /ɒf/ /kaɪnd/

Cut! Cut!

/kʌt/ /kʌt/

Cut! Ricky!

/kʌt/

Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here in half an hour,

/ˈɡrænmɑː/ /ænd/ /biː/ /hɪr/ /hæf/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

and you're still butchering my words.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /wɜːrdz/

Looks like I'm gonna have to write, direct and star in this thing.

/laɪk/ /hæv/ /raɪt/ /dɪˈrɛkt/ /ænd/ /stɑːr/ /θɪŋ/

Give me your elf hat. Go sit.

/ɡɪv/ /miː/ /jʊr/ /hæt/ /ɡoʊ/ /sɪt/

I always secretly wanted to be an actor.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/ /ˈæktər/

It's one of those life dreams that just slipped away, I guess.

/ðoʊz/ /laɪf/ /driːmz/ /ðæt/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈweɪ/ /ɡɛs/

Listen, if you want, I could give you some tips on acting.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /kʊd/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /sʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈæktɪŋ/

- Really? - I'd love to.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /lʌv/

Acting rule number one...

/ˈæktɪŋ/ /ruːl/ /ˈnʌmbər/

At least someone's still excited about acting.

/liːst/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈæktɪŋ/

I miss that.

/mɪs/ /ðæt/

So, you don't like playing Barney's son?

/juː/ /laɪk/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /sʌn/

I hate it. But what can I do?

/heɪt/ /ɪt/ /bʌt/ /wɒt/ /kæn/ /duː/

- The phone just ain't ringing. - I know what you mean.

/foʊn/ /dʒʌst/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /miːn/

I'm a newscaster.

But I just had to take a job hosting a local morning show

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /teɪk/ /dʒɒb/ /ˈloʊkl/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /ʃoʊ/

that airs at 4:30 in the morning.

/ðæt/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

I just thought I'd be so much further along by this point, you know?

/dʒʌst/ /θɔːt/ /biː/ /mʌtʃ/ /əˈlɒŋ/ /pɔɪnt/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I'm almost 30.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/

Come on, you still look great.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /lʊk/ /ɡreɪt/

I love your nose job.

/lʌv/ /jʊr/ /noʊz/ /dʒɒb/

I never had a nose job.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /hæd/ /noʊz/ /dʒɒb/

Right.

/raɪt/

Me neither.

/miː/

I can't believe we haven't met you before.

/bɪˈliːv/ /wiː/ /juː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

Who knew Barney had such a great mom?

/huː/ /njuː/ /hæd/ /sʌtʃ/ /ɡreɪt/ /mɒm/

Thanks, dear.

/dɪər/

Truth is, I wasn't always the best mother when I was younger.

/truːθ/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /bɛst/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/

Don't say that. I'm sure you were great.

/seɪ/ /ðæt/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ɡreɪt/

Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.

/wɒz/

Excuse me?

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

A whore, dear. A dirty whore.

/dɪər/ /ˈdɜːrti/

I'm not proud of it.

/praʊd/ /ɪt/

But...

/bʌt/

still, I had some fun.

/hæd/ /sʌm/ /fʌn/

There is no thrill equal to...

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /ˈiːkwəl/

looking into some guy's eyes and thinking,

/sʌm/ /aɪz/ /ænd/

"I don't know your name, you don't know mine, but...

/noʊ/ /jʊr/ /neɪm/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪn/ /bʌt/

"for the next eight minutes,

/fɔːr/ /nɛkst/ /eɪt/

"we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom

/wiː/ /ˈsteɪʃən/ /ˈbæθruːm/

"right off its foundation."

/raɪt/ /ɒf/ /ɪts/ /faʊnˈdeɪʃən/

And then just drive off in opposite directions.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /dʒʌst/ /draɪv/ /ɒf/ /ˈɒpəzɪt/

Just keep driving.

/dʒʌst/ /kiːp/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/

Barney's mom?

/mɒm/

Loretta. Loretta.

Anyway, that's, that's all in the past now.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ɔːl/ /pæst/ /naʊ/

I did the best I could, but...

/dɪd/ /bɛst/ /kʊd/ /bʌt/

sometimes I wonder how Barney turned out to be so perfect.

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ˈwʌndər/ /haʊ/ /aʊt/ /biː/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

You have to tell your mom the truth, okay?

/juː/ /hæv/ /tɛl/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /truːθ/

Listen, she is a sweet,

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /swiːt/

caring, slightly too graphic woman who deserves better.

/ˈslaɪtli/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /huː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

No way. The truth would kill her.

/noʊ/ /weɪ/ /truːθ/ /wʊd/ /kɪl/ /hɜːr/

I don't feel right

/fiːl/ /raɪt/

about lying to such a kindhearted woman, okay?

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /sʌtʃ/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

She reminds me of my own mother.

/ʃiː/ /miː/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

- What? - Kindhearted?

/wɒt/

Remember in our wedding vows when I said we'd be together forever?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /aʊər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /vaʊz/ /wɛn/ /sɛd/ /biː/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /fərˈɛvər/

On our way back up the aisle, your mother leaned in and she said,

/ɒn/ /aʊər/ /weɪ/ /bæk/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /ænd/ /ʃiː/ /sɛd/

"Not forever, sweetie. Marshall's going to heaven."

/fərˈɛvər/ /ˈswiːti/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

- She was making a joke. - She hates me, Marshall.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /dʒoʊk/ /ʃiː/ /heɪts/ /miː/

But that's okay because...

/bʌt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

Never mind.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /maɪnd/

What were you gonna say?

/wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Nothing. Do you want to go do it in Barney's childhood bedroom again?

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /ˈtʃaɪldhʊd/ /ˈbɛdruːm/ /əˈɡɛn/

- On the race car bed? - Handles great, buddy.

/ɒn/ /reɪs/ /kɑːr/ /bɛd/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈbʌdi/

Look, Lily, if today has taught us nothing else, it's that

/lʊk/ /ɪf/ /təˈdeɪ/ /hæz/ /tɔːt/ /ʌs/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ɛls/ /ðæt/

honesty is important when it comes to family.

/ɪz/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /wɛn/ /ɪt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

Now, whatever you're feeling towards my mother,

/naʊ/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

we've been together for 12 years, baby.

/təˈɡɛð.ər/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbeɪbi/

- I think that I can handle it. - Really?

/θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /kæn/ /ˈhændl/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

I hate your mom.

/heɪt/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/

Guess what?

/ɡɛs/ /wɒt/

I hate you!

/heɪt/ /juː/

Two minute warning for meatloaf!

/tuː/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /fɔːr/

Meatloaf?

Tyler no likey!

/noʊ/

We have been over this a million times!

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈmɪljən/ /taɪmz/

- You are not getting a catchphrase! - But it's funny.

/juː/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /ˈfʌn.i/

I am not afraid to recast.

/əˈfreɪd/

Now go memorize your lines for the big dinner scene.

/naʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈmɛməraɪz/ /jʊr/ /fɔːr/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /siːn/

Wait. So you wrote the dinner we're about to have?

/weɪt/ /juː/ /roʊt/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hæv/

Just a short script.

/dʒʌst/ /ʃɔːrt/

Just things that will make my mom happy to hear.

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋz/ /ðæt/ /wɪl/ /meɪk/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /ˈhæp.i/ /hɪr/

What kind of things?

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /θɪŋz/

And I really thought

/ænd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɔːt/

Barney had forgotten our anniversary.

/hæd/ /aʊər/ /ˌænɪˈvɜːrsəri/

So I storm out to the backyard, and there's smoke coming out of my ears.

/stɔːrm/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /smoʊk/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/

Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare when she gets mad. I love it.

/hɜːr/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /ɡɛts/ /mæd/ /lʌv/ /ɪt/

Doing it right now. Doing it right now!

/ɪt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

You better stop, mister!

/juː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /stɒp/

Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /bɛr/ /kənˈtɪnjuː/

This is what you're actually like in a relationship.

/ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /laɪk/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

So I storm out to the backyard and...

/stɔːrm/ /aʊt/ /ænd/

candles everywhere...

/ˈɛvriwɛr/

and a string quartet.

/ænd/

- Can you believe that? - No, not even slightly.

/kæn/ /juː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ðæt/ /noʊ/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈslaɪtli/

What about my little Ty-Ty. What have you been up to?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /wɒt/ /hæv/ /juː/ /ʌp/

Funny story:

/ˈfʌn.i/ /ˈstɔːri/

just the other night, this little rascal had a nightmare.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /naɪt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /hæd/

When he came in to tell us what it was about,

/wɛn/ /hiː/ /tɛl/ /ʌs/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/

do you remember what you said, champ?

/duː/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /sɛd/

Page four.

The dinosaur bones in the museum came to life and started chasing me?

/mjuˈziːəm/ /laɪf/ /ænd/ /miː/

Thanks a lot, buddy. I didn't need to sleep tonight.

/lɒt/ /ˈbʌdi/ /niːd/ /sliːp/ /təˈnaɪt/

Tyler said, "My nightmare was

/sɛd/ /maɪ/ /wɒz/

"that you and Mommy didn't know how much I loved you.

/ðæt/ /juː/ /ænd/ /ˈmɒmi/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /lʌvd/ /juː/

"So I wanted to come in and tell you it was this much."

/kʌm/ /ænd/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /mʌtʃ/

That's so sweet.

/swiːt/

We're a sweet happy family.

/swiːt/ /ˈhæp.i/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

'm gonna grab some ice cream from the freezer downstairs

/ɡræb/ /sʌm/ /aɪs/ /kriːm/ /ˌdaʊnˈstɛrz/

and then we'll all hit the sundae bar in the kitchen.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɔːl/ /bɑːr/ /ˈkɪtʃɪn/

Not a weak link in that scene.

/lɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /siːn/

Bravo.

Back off, Barney. You have no idea how hard it is

/bæk/ /ɒf/ /juː/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /haʊ/ /hɑːrd/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

to do a job that's beneath you.

/duː/ /dʒɒb/ /juː/

I really enjoyed your thing about the dinosaur bones.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /jʊr/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Can we please stop talking about the dinosaur bones?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /pliːz/ /stɒp/ /əˈbaʊt/

Just go eat your sundae.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /iːt/ /jʊr/

I can't. I'm lactose-intolerant.

Guess who's not lactose-intolerant? Tyler.

/ɡɛs/

Tyler is gonna go in there

/ɪz/ /ɡoʊ/ /ðɛr/

and enjoy every last bite.

/ænd/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /læst/ /baɪt/

Ice cream time, gang.

/aɪs/ /kriːm/ /taɪm/ /ɡæŋ/

Yummers!

My God!

/maɪ/

Tyler no likey.

/noʊ/

You're not getting a catchphrase.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

I don't understand.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

I do.

/duː/

Follow my lead.

/ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /maɪ/ /liːd/

I've...

been betrayed

by my best friend.

/maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/

How could you do this, Ted?

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /duː/

Think about poor Tyler

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /pʊr/

bravely trying to hold back tears.

/hoʊld/ /bæk/

It's okay, son, you can cry.

/sʌn/ /juː/ /kæn/ /kraɪ/

Cry!

/kraɪ/

I don't want my mommy and daddy to get divorced!

/wɒnt/ /maɪ/ /ˈmɒmi/ /ænd/ /ˈdædi/ /ɡɛt/ /dɪˈvɔːrst/

What could you possibly have to say for yourself?

/wɒt/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /hæv/ /seɪ/ /fɔːr/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Acting rule number one:

/ˈæktɪŋ/ /ruːl/ /ˈnʌmbər/

"Don't be afraid to improvise."

/biː/ /əˈfreɪd/

Was it me who betrayed you,

/wɒz/ /ɪt/ /miː/ /huː/ /juː/

or you who betrayed me?

/juː/ /huː/ /miː/

I'm sorry. What?

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɒt/

Acting rule number five:

/ˈæktɪŋ/ /ruːl/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /faɪv/

"Invent a rich back story for your character."

/ɪnˈvɛnt/ /rɪtʃ/ /bæk/ /ˈstɔːri/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/

November 14th, 1998.

The overnight train to Monte Carlo.

/treɪn/

I was in the billiards car

/wɒz/ /kɑːr/

hustling some Algerians out of few thousand dinar,

/sʌm/ /aʊt/ /fjuː/

when you seduced my fiancée!

/wɛn/ /juː/ /maɪ/

Who is blind and thought you were me.

/huː/ /ɪz/ /blaɪnd/ /ænd/ /θɔːt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /miː/

What in God's name are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /neɪm/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Acting rule number eight:

/ˈæktɪŋ/ /ruːl/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /eɪt/

Don't be afraid to get physical.

/biː/ /əˈfreɪd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈfɪzɪkl/

You know damn well what I'm talking about!

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛl/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

No, I don't!

/noʊ/

Yes, you do! And by God,

/juː/ /duː/ /ænd/

I'll hear you say it, scoundrel!

/hɪr/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/

Mom, can you give us a sec?

/mɒm/ /kæn/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /ʌs/

There's chocolate and butterscotch.

/ˈtʃɒklɪt/ /ænd/

There's various kinds of sprinkles and marshmallows.

/ˈvɛriəs/ /ænd/

Have you lost your mind?!

/hæv/ /juː/ /lɒst/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/

You were amazing!

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

You completely just became that character.

/juː/ /kəmˈpliːtli/ /dʒʌst/ /ðæt/

Honestly, I wasn't so much playing Ted

/ˈɒnɪstli/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/

as I was just trying to get out of Ted's way.

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /weɪ/

What is wrong with you people?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

How am I ever gonna explain this to my mother?

/haʊ/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/ /maɪ/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

Maybe it's time to tell her the truth.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /taɪm/ /tɛl/ /hɜːr/ /truːθ/

I don't know, Lily. Sometimes, honesty leads people

/noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

to say mean things about a woman who always took special care of me

/seɪ/ /miːn/ /θɪŋz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /huː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /tʊk/ /ˈspɛʃəl/ /kɛr/ /miː/

because I was the runt of the family.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒz/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

For crying out loud, I'm only six-four!

/fɔːr/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /laʊd/ /ˈoʊnli/

How good was my crying?

/haʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /wɒz/ /maɪ/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/

You nailed it. See?

/juː/ /ɪt/ /siː/

Even at a gig you hate, you still managed to love what you do.

/ˈiːvən/ /juː/ /heɪt/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /duː/

Maybe that's how it will be for you at your new job.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /jʊr/ /njuː/ /dʒɒb/

- You think so? - I know so.

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /noʊ/

Thanks, Grant.

You're pretty smart, you know that?

/ˈprɪti/ /smɑːrt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

Sorry! Sorry!

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Thought I was picking up on something.

/θɔːt/ /wɒz/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Honey, are you okay?

/ˈhʌni/ /juː/

Look, Mom, there's something I have to tell you.

/lʊk/ /mɒm/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /hæv/ /tɛl/ /juː/

Something I should have told you a long time ago.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /toʊld/ /juː/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Tyler is dying.

/ɪz/

And Betty said that when he goes,

/ænd/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/ /wɛn/ /hiː/ /ɡoʊz/

she's gonna off herself.

/ɒf/

So that's probably all gonna go down pretty soon.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /ɔːl/ /ɡoʊ/ /daʊn/ /ˈprɪti/ /suːn/

Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

None of that is true!

/nʌn/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /truː/

The truth is, I...

/truːθ/ /ɪz/

The truth is Betty and Tyler are actors

/truːθ/ /ɪz/ /ænd/

that I hired to pretend to be my family.

/ðæt/ /haɪərd/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

What?

/wɒt/

I just wanted you to think I had the life

/dʒʌst/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /hæd/ /laɪf/

you wanted for me. I wanted you to be proud of me.

/juː/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /juː/ /biː/ /praʊd/ /miː/

I know it sounds crazy, and I am so sorry, Mom.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ænd/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /mɒm/

So Betty is not your wife?

/ɪz/ /jʊr/ /waɪf/

Thank God!

I do not like that woman.

/duː/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

- Really? - Yes.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

And Tyler...

/ænd/

I know I'm his grandma and I'm supposed to love him,

/noʊ/ /hɪz/ /ˈɡrænmɑː/ /ænd/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /lʌv/ /hɪm/

but I hate that kid.

/bʌt/ /heɪt/ /ðæt/ /kɪd/

"Tyler no likey!"

/noʊ/

- What the hell is that? - Right?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/

Those fake friends of yours out there, I just wanted to shoot myself.

/ðoʊz/ /feɪk/ /frɛndz/ /jɔːrz/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /dʒʌst/ /ʃuːt/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

I know! Aren't they horrible?

/noʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/

So really, really, you're not mad?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /mæd/

I'm just confused. I don't know why you thought you had to do this.

/dʒʌst/ /kənˈfjuːzd/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /θɔːt/ /juː/ /hæd/ /duː/

Barney, I love you, perfect family or no perfect family.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /noʊ/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

I love you no matter what.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /wɒt/

- Really? - Really.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

I am so relieved

because the truth is I am as far from married

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /truːθ/ /ɪz/ /fɑːr/ /ˈmærid/

as a human being can possibly be.

/ˈhjuːmən/ /kæn/ /biː/

My history with women would shock and appall you.

/maɪ/ /ˈhɪstəri/ /wɪð/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /wʊd/ /ænd/ /juː/

Doesn't matter. I still love you.

/ˈmætər/ /lʌv/ /juː/

Seriously, you can't imagine the things I have done.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /juː/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /θɪŋz/ /hæv/ /dʌn/

Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter

/wɛn/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /θriː/ /lɛft/ /juː/ /wɪð/

and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad

/ænd/ /θriː/ /wɪð/ /fʌŋk/

being passed around like a bong.

/əˈraʊnd/ /laɪk/

Mommy!

/ˈmɒmi/

Just do me a favor.

/dʒʌst/ /duː/ /miː/

If you ever do meet someone special,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /duː/ /miːt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ˈspɛʃəl/

don't run away from it. Don't be me.

/rʌn/ /əˈweɪ/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /miː/

Take a shot at it, will you?

/teɪk/ /ʃɒt/ /ɪt/ /wɪl/ /juː/

Cab's here.

/hɪr/

I'll try.

/traɪ/

And so ended one of the strangest afternoons of our lives.

/ænd/ /aʊər/

And I just wanted to say to you,

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /juː/

if I ever seemed cold

/ɪf/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /koʊld/

or unwelcoming, I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Who's she talking to?

/ʃiː/

My mom.

/maɪ/ /mɒm/

It would mean a lot to me if you and I could be closer.

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /miːn/ /lɒt/ /miː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ænd/ /kʊd/ /biː/

Now take a deep breath like this next thing is gonna be hard to say.

/naʊ/ /teɪk/ /diːp/ /brɛθ/ /laɪk/ /nɛkst/ /θɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /biː/ /hɑːrd/ /seɪ/

I love you.

/lʌv/ /juː/

I love you...

/lʌv/ /juː/

Mom.

/mɒm/

... Mom.

/mɒm/

Now pretend I said something nice.

/naʊ/ /sɛd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /naɪs/

Now pretend I said something nice.

/naʊ/ /sɛd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /naɪs/

I mean,

/miːn/

that's very nice of you to say, Judy.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /naɪs/ /juː/ /seɪ/

You, too. Speak soon.

/juː/ /spiːk/ /suːn/

Let me get this straight. You're really telling me

/lɛt/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/ /streɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /miː/

that when you watch The Karate Kid,

/ðæt/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /wɒtʃ/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/

you don't root for Daniel-san?

/juː/ /fɔːr/

- Who do you root for in Die Hard? - Hans Gruber,

/huː/ /duː/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /daɪ/ /hɑːrd/

charming international bandit.

At the end, he died hard.

/ɛnd/ /hiː/ /daɪd/ /hɑːrd/

He's the title character.

Okay, The Breakfast Club?

/ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /klʌb/

The teacher running detention.

/ˈtiː.tʃər/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/

He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ɡaɪ/ /hoʊl/ /ˈmuːvi/ /suːt/

I got one. Terminator.

What's the name of the movie, Robin?

/neɪm/ /ˈmuːvi/

Who among us didn't shed a tear

/huː/ /ʌs/

when his little red eye went out at the end

/wɛn/ /hɪz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /rɛd/ /aɪ/ /wɛnt/ /aʊt/ /ɛnd/

and he didn't get to kill those people?

/ænd/ /hiː/ /ɡɛt/ /kɪl/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

I'm sorry. That movie...

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ðæt/ /ˈmuːvi/

I am never watching a movie with you ever again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /ˈmuːvi/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /əˈɡɛn/

They didn't even try to help him!

/ðeɪ/ /ˈiːvən/ /traɪ/ /hɛlp/ /hɪm/