Season 4 · Tập 19

You will not believe what happened

/juː/ /wɪl/ /bɪˈliːv/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

at laser tag last night.

/ˈleɪzər/ /læst/ /naɪt/

People freaked out because

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /aʊt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

a creepy man in a suit wouldn't leave their kids alone?

/ˈkriːpi/ /mæn/ /suːt/ /liːv/ /ðɛr/ /kɪdz/ /əˈloʊn/

No.

/noʊ/

Well, yeah, pretty much.

/wɛl/ /ˈprɪti/ /mʌtʃ/

Come on!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Ow! My shoulder!

/maɪ/

Come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Stinson, my office! Now!

/maɪ/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /naʊ/

Crap.

Disorderly game play,

/ɡeɪm/ /pleɪ/

three counts of shoving,

/θriː/

and now this!

/ænd/ /naʊ/

Stinson, you're a liability!

I know I don't play by your precious rules, McCracken,

/noʊ/ /pleɪ/ /jʊr/

but, damn it, I get results!

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛt/

Look, you're a good laser tag player.

/lʊk/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈleɪzər/ /ˈpleɪər/

Maybe the best I've ever seen.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /bɛst/ /ˈɛv.ər/

But one of these days,you're gonna get someone hurt.

/bʌt/ /ðiːz/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /hɜːrt/

Maybe even yourself.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈiːvən/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

You just forgot what it's like out there.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /wɒt/ /laɪk/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long.

/hæd/ /jʊr/ /fæt/ /stʌk/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /ðæt/ /dɛsk/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/

That's it!

/ɪt/

You're out of here, Stinson!

/aʊt/ /hɪr/

Hand in your gun and your ID badge!

/hænd/ /jʊr/ /ɡʌn/ /ænd/ /jʊr/

With pleasure.

/wɪð/

Please don't do this.

/pliːz/ /duː/

This game is all I got.

/ɡeɪm/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/

And I've almost got

/ænd/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/

enough tickets for the remote control helicopter.

/ɪˈnʌf/ /ˈtɪkɪts/ /fɔːr/ /kənˈtroʊl/

Please.

/pliːz/

I can't believe I'm doing this.

/bɪˈliːv/

But I'm gonna give you one last shot.

/bʌt/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /læst/ /ʃɒt/

But so help me,

/bʌt/ /hɛlp/ /miː/

if you so much as step one toe out of line,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/ /stɛp/ /aʊt/ /laɪn/

you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt in your mama's basement

/biː/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /dʌk/ /jʊr/ /ˈbeɪsmənt/

so fast it's gonna make your head spin.

/fæst/ /meɪk/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/

Now, get out of here!

/naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

You won't regret this.

/juː/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/

That's it, Stinson.

/ɪt/

You're banned for life!

/fɔːr/ /laɪf/

No...!

/noʊ/

I can't believe you got kicked out of laser tag.

/bɪˈliːv/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /ˈleɪzər/

What are you gonna do?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /duː/

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /wɒt/ /duː/

I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /wɒt/ /ænd/ /duː/

We're gonna break in after hours

/breɪk/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈaʊərz/

TP? and TP the place.

/ænd/ /pleɪs/

Barney, we are too old to cover a place in toilet paper

/wiː/ /oʊld/ /ˈkʌvər/ /pleɪs/ /ˈtɔɪlɪt/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/

just because they won't let you play laser tag.

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðeɪ/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /pleɪ/ /ˈleɪzər/

And for that matter,

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /ˈmætər/

too old for laser tag.

/oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /ˈleɪzər/

Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions.

/ˈleɪzər/ /noʊ/ /eɪdʒ/

Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.

/kaɪnd/ /laɪk/

Yeah, whatever.

I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh List.

/ˈleɪzər/ /lɪst/

Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh List

/lɪst/

What's the Murtaugh List?

/lɪst/

around the time I turned 30.

/əˈraʊnd/ /taɪm/

It all started with your Uncle Marshall's beer bong.

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /bɪər/

every time we had a party,that beer bong came out.

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /ðæt/ /bɪər/ /aʊt/

the next day would go like this.

/nɛkst/ /deɪ/ /wʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /laɪk/

the next day would go like this.

/nɛkst/ /deɪ/ /wʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /laɪk/

Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life,

/ðɛn/ /deɪ/ /wɜːrst/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

I realized there was only one person in the world

/ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /wɜːrld/

that I could relate to:

/ðæt/ /kʊd/

Detective Roger Murtaugh,played by Danny Glover

/dɪˈtɛktɪv/

in the '80s noir masterpiece Lethal Weapon,

/ˈmɑːstəpiːs/

known for his often-quoted catchphrase:

/fɔːr/ /hɪz/

I'm too old for this...

/oʊld/ /fɔːr/

Stuff.

/stʌf/

He said, "I'm too old for this stuff."

/hiː/ /sɛd/ /oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /stʌf/

It's sad to admit, but as you get older,

/sæd/ /ədˈmɪt/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊldər/

there's just certain things you can't do anymore.

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋz/ /juː/ /duː/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

That's why I have this list,

/waɪ/ /hæv/ /lɪst/

so I never make the mistake of thinking

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /meɪk/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

that I can still pull an all-nighter.

/ðæt/ /kæn/ /pʊl/

I'm too old for that stuff.

/oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/

Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.

/iːt/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/

I'm too old for that stuff.

/oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/

Or hang posters on your wall without frames.

/ɒn/ /jʊr/ /wɔːl/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

Riggs. Riggs.

Riggs!

I'm too old for that stuff.

/oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/

By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?

/weɪ/ /haʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪz/

Oh, I don't know.It's kind of a rip-off.

/noʊ/ /kaɪnd/

Old guy paired up with a young, renegade cop.

/oʊld/ /ɡaɪ/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /jʌŋ/

Sound familiar?

/saʊnd/ /fəˈmɪliər/

Mackleroy and LeFleur.

/ænd/

Don't tell me you guys

/tɛl/ /miː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

have never seen Mackleroy and LeFleur.

/hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ænd/

It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time.

/ˈæk.ʃən/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Mackleroy is a young, renegade Mountie

/ɪz/ /jʌŋ/

whose horse was just killed by evil Americans,

/hɔːrs/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /kɪld/ /ˈiːvəl/

while LeFleur, his grouchy,old, African-Canadian partner,

/waɪl/ /hɪz/ /oʊld/ /ˈpɑːrtnər/

just bought a cozy ice

/dʒʌst/ /bɔːt/ /aɪs/

fishing shack in northern Alberta...

/ˈfɪʃɪŋ/

All right, I got to go.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɡoʊ/

Bye, baby.

/baɪ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Have fun at practice.

/hæv/ /fʌn/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/

Practice?

/ˈpræk.tɪs/

Is he doing that one-man band thing again?

/ɪz/ /hiː/ /ðæt/ /bænd/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈɡɛn/

'Cause that was a bummer.

/kɔːz/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/

Actually,

/ˈæktʃuəli/

Marshall had just taken over

/hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

as coach for Lily's kindergarten basketball team.

/fɔːr/ /ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /tiːm/

He thought it'd be fun,

/hiː/ /θɔːt/ /biː/ /fʌn/

but Lily saw it as something more--

/bʌt/ /sɔː/ /ɪt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /mɔːr/

dad practice.

/dæd/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/

Hi.

Hey! Oh, my gosh!

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/

Orange slices. That is so sweet.

/ˈɒrɪndʒ/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /swiːt/

What are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

I couldn't resist.

I wanted to see Coach Marshmallow do his thing.

/siː/ /duː/ /hɪz/ /θɪŋ/

Oh. Okay.

Hey, kids,

/kɪdz/

who wants to knock off early

/huː/ /nɒk/ /ɒf/ /ˈɜːr.li/

and have some of these here orange slices?

/ænd/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /ðiːz/ /hɪr/ /ˈɒrɪndʒ/

Yeah? Well, you can't!

/wɛl/ /juː/

Because oranges are for winners,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /fɔːr/

and you little turds

/ænd/ /juː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

haven't even made a single shot yet!

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ʃɒt/ /jɛt/

You're embarrassing yourselves,

/ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

you're embarrassing Ms. Aldrin, and worst of all,

/ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/ /ænd/ /wɜːrst/ /ɔːl/

you're embarrassing me!

/ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/ /miː/

That's it!

/ɪt/

Suicides! Baseline! Now!

/naʊ/

Run.

/rʌn/

Ted, there is not a single thing on here

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /hɪr/

that you are too old to do.

/ðæt/ /juː/ /oʊld/ /duː/

In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh List,

/fækt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/

I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.

/kɔːl/ /ðæt/ /ˈprɪti/ /fʌn/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

If you did everything on that list, you would die.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /lɪst/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /daɪ/

-That wasn't a challenge.-Challenge accepted.

/ðæt/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/

I'm going to do every single thing on this list.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/

And after I do, you will TP the laser tag place with me.

/ænd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /ˈleɪzər/ /pleɪs/ /wɪð/ /miː/

And if you can't do it?

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

I will spend three hours

/wɪl/ /spɛnd/ /θriː/ /ˈaʊərz/

listening to you talk about architecture.

/ˈlɪsənɪŋ/ /juː/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

You have got yourself a deal.

/juː/ /hæv/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /diːl/

Robin, will you do the honors?

/wɪl/ /juː/ /duː/

A gentleman's agreement!

Huzzah! Huzzah!

All right, chumps, let's do this.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /duː/

Barney Stinson! Barney Stinson!

You really want to make this bet with him?

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /meɪk/ /bɛt/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

You know how he is.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /hiː/ /ɪz/

Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff on that list.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /sʌm/ /ˈprɪti/ /stʌf/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /lɪst/

I mean, do you really think

/miːn/ /duː/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/

Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?

/ɡɛt/ /hɪz/

"Get ear pierced."

/ɡɛt/

Check. Xong.

/tʃɛk/

All right, I'm off to go

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɒf/ /ɡoʊ/

do laundry at Mom's house.

/duː/ /ˈlɔːndri/ /haʊs/

Hey, you guys mind if I crash on your futon tonight?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /maɪnd/ /ɪf/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /təˈnaɪt/

We don't have a futon.

/wiː/ /hæv/

Put it over there, boys.

/pʊt/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/ /bɔɪz/

What's going on? It's on the Murtaugh List.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/

"Crash on a friend's futon

/ɒn/

instead of getting a hotel room."

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /hoʊˈtɛl/ /ruːm/

Ooh, I am too old for that stuff.

/oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/

Dude, what's going on with your ear?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/

Looks like the inside of a jack-o'-lantern on November 3rd.

/laɪk/ /ɒn/

What, this?

/wɒt/

Ah, just a little infecsh.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Nothing a young guy like me can't shake off.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /jʌŋ/ /ɡaɪ/ /laɪk/ /miː/ /ɒf/

Plus, "Put off going to the doctor," on the list.

/plʌs/ /pʊt/ /ɒf/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈdɒktər/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/

Oh, hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Go for Bar... Bar...

/ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /bɑːr/ /bɑːr/

Keep running!

/kiːp/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/

You know what's funny, is I was

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /ɪz/ /wɒz/

supposed to come here to teach them--

/səˈpoʊzd/ /kʌm/ /hɪr/ /tiːtʃ/ /ðɛm/

Do not stop running!

/duː/ /stɒp/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/

This whole time, they've been the ones who are teaching me.

/hoʊl/ /taɪm/ /huː/ /ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /miː/

That's not running! That's falling!

/ˈrʌnɪŋ/

The next morning,

/nɛkst/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Barney woke up on the futon in our living room.

/ʌp/ /ɒn/ /aʊər/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ruːm/

Check.

/tʃɛk/

"Drinking shots with strangers."

/ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /ʃɒts/ /wɪð/

Check.

/tʃɛk/

You okay, Barney?

/juː/

It looks like you hurt your back.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /hɜːrt/ /jʊr/ /bæk/

Oh, no.

/noʊ/

Just rocking a party hunch.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈpɑːrti/

I like it.

/laɪk/ /ɪt/

Closer to my booze.

/maɪ/

To youth.

/juːθ/

Can I get a straw?

/kæn/ /ɡɛt/

I must say, there's something admirable

/mʌst/ /seɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

about the way Barney wants to stay young at heart.

/əˈbaʊt/ /weɪ/ /steɪ/ /jʌŋ/ /hɑːrt/

I mean, who wants to get old?

/miːn/ /huː/ /ɡɛt/ /oʊld/

This guy.

/ɡaɪ/

Robin, life is a meal

/laɪf/ /ɪz/ /miːl/

and old age is the dessert.

/ænd/ /oʊld/ /eɪdʒ/ /ɪz/ /dɪˈzɜːrt/

I spend so much of my time worrying about the future.

/spɛnd/ /mʌtʃ/ /maɪ/ /taɪm/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

You know, where's my career going?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /kəˈrɪr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Who am I gonna marry?

/huː/ /ˈmæri/

But when you're old, you don't worry,

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /oʊld/ /juː/ /ˈwʌri/

'cause that stuff's already happened.

/kɔːz/ /ðæt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ˈhæpənd/

Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes

/plʌs/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /wɛr/ /ʃuːz/

and a chair takes you up and down the stairs, it's perfect.

/ænd/ /tʃɛr/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /daʊn/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

That's not perfect. That's pathetic.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

You can't just jump to the end.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /dʒʌmp/ /ɛnd/

The journey is the best part.

/ˈdʒɜːrni/ /ɪz/ /bɛst/ /pɑːrt/

Oh, Robin.

I used to feel that way, too,

/fiːl/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

but you'll understand when you're a little bit older.

/bʌt/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /wɛn/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈoʊldər/

Marshall, can you try

/kæn/ /juː/ /traɪ/

not to pick on the kids today.

/pɪk/ /ɒn/ /kɪdz/ /təˈdeɪ/

I'm not picking on the kids, Lily.

/ɒn/ /kɪdz/

I'm picking on the culture of losing around here.

/ɒn/ /ˈkʌltʃər/ /əˈraʊnd/ /hɪr/

I-I got to get them in shape

/ɡɛt/ /ðɛm/ /ʃeɪp/

if they're gonna win that game tomorrow.

/ɪf/ /wɪn/ /ðæt/ /ɡeɪm/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Win?

/wɪn/

We don't keep score.

/wiː/ /kiːp/ /skɔːr/

What?

/wɒt/

We don't keep score.

/wiː/ /kiːp/ /skɔːr/

You don't keep s...

/juː/ /kiːp/

What's the point of playing if you don't keep score?

/pɔɪnt/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /skɔːr/

How do you know...

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Lily, what were you doing with this team before I got here?

/wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /tiːm/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /hɪr/

I was coaching them.

/wɒz/ /ˈkoʊtʃɪŋ/ /ðɛm/

That's it, my little angels.

/ɪt/ /maɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

You're all luminous wonderful beings of light.

/ɔːl/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/ /laɪt/

What's the score?

/skɔːr/

It's all tied up at fun to fun!

/ɔːl/ /ʌp/ /fʌn/ /fʌn/

Because that's the point of playing-- to have fun.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /pɔɪnt/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /hæv/ /fʌn/

No.

/noʊ/

The point of playing is to win the trophy.

/pɔɪnt/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /wɪn/

And if you don't know who's winning, who gets the trophy?

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/ /huː/ /ɡɛts/

Everyone.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

It's a participation trophy; everyone gets one.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ɡɛts/

It's like you're speaking Chinese to me right now.

/laɪk/ /ˈspiːkɪŋ/ /miː/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Hi, this is Barney.

/ɪz/

And Robin.

/ænd/

We can't answer the phone right now because...

/wiː/ /ˈæn.sər/ /foʊn/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

He's watching sports and I'm...

/ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /spɔːrts/ /ænd/

Probably out shopping.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /aʊt/

Leave a message and we'll call you back just as soon...

/liːv/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/ /ænd/ /kɔːl/ /juː/ /bæk/ /dʒʌst/ /suːn/

As...We...

/wiː/

- Can! - Can!

/kæn/ /kæn/

"Leave an annoying two-person message

/liːv/ /əˈnɔɪɪŋ/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/

on your answering machine."

/ɒn/ /jʊr/ /məˈʃiːn/

Check.

/tʃɛk/

Probably gonna cost me some dates but it's okay.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /kɒst/ /miː/ /sʌm/ /deɪts/ /bʌt/

Barney, your ear's starting to smell.

/jʊr/ /smɛl/

Nah, it's good.

/ɡʊd/

I hate to send it back,

/heɪt/ /sɛnd/ /ɪt/ /bæk/

but you did describe the turkey as extremely lean,

/bʌt/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /dɪˈskraɪb/ /ˈtɜːrki/ /ɪkˈstriːmli/

and, well, you tell me.

/ænd/ /wɛl/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/

All right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

That's it.

/ɪt/

-We have our own list. -What?

/wiː/ /hæv/ /aʊər/ /oʊn/ /lɪst/ /wɒt/

This is a list of things you're too young to do.

/ɪz/ /lɪst/ /θɪŋz/ /jʌŋ/ /duː/

Go out and do each one of these things

/ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /duː/ /iːtʃ/ /ðiːz/ /θɪŋz/

and then tell me you still want to be an old man.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /oʊld/ /mæn/

Remove "colonoscopy"

/rɪˈmuːv/

and "Have sex with an old lady," and this is a cakewalk.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /oʊld/ /ˈleɪdi/ /ænd/ /ɪz/

New stakes, then.

/njuː/ /ðɛn/

If I can finish your list before you finish mine,

/ɪf/ /kæn/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /jʊr/ /lɪst/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /maɪn/

you have to come with me to TP laser tag

/juː/ /hæv/ /kʌm/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /ˈleɪzər/

and you have to buy the toilet paper.

/ænd/ /juː/ /hæv/ /baɪ/ /ˈtɔɪlɪt/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/

And none of that biodegradable crap.

/ænd/ /nʌn/ /ðæt/

I want it up there forever.

/wɒnt/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /ðɛr/ /fərˈɛvər/

Fine, but if I finish your list first,

/faɪn/ /bʌt/ /ɪf/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /jʊr/ /lɪst/ /fɜːrst/

it's a six hour survey

/sɪks/ /ˈaʊ.ər/ /ˈsɜːrveɪ/

of early 20th century American architecture

/ˈɜːr.li/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

and you can never do anything

/ænd/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

on the Murtaugh List ever again.

/ɒn/ /lɪst/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /əˈɡɛn/

It's for your own good.

/fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/ /ɡʊd/

You, sir, have got yourself a deal.

/juː/ /sɜːr/ /hæv/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /diːl/

A gentleman's agreement!

Huzzah! Huzzah!

Marshall, they're in kindergarten.

/ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/

This isn't how you teach basketball.

/haʊ/ /juː/ /tiːtʃ/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/

Sure it is. It's the way I learned.

/ʃʊr/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /weɪ/ /lɜːrnd/

Are you kidding me?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

What kind of sociopath taught you this way?

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /tɔːt/ /juː/ /weɪ/

Come on, Dad. I'm tired.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /dæd/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/

Sleep is for winners.

/sliːp/ /ɪz/ /fɔːr/

You can go to bed when you score a basket.

/juː/ /kæn/ /ɡoʊ/ /bɛd/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /skɔːr/

I'm trying.

Oh, let's give you two points for trying.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /tuː/ /pɔɪnts/ /fɔːr/

But negative two points for having a great big head.

/bʌt/ /ˈnɛɡətɪv/ /tuː/ /pɔɪnts/ /fɔːr/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ɡreɪt/ /bɪɡ/ /hɛd/

My father gave me no quarter

/maɪ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɔːrtər/

and I asked for no quarter.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /noʊ/ /ˈkwɔːrtər/

I totally got to call that guy.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /kɔːl/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

Keep stretching!

/kiːp/

"Put on reading glasses." Check.

/pʊt/ /ɒn/ /ˈriː.dɪŋ/ /tʃɛk/

"Yell at neighborhood kids."

/kɪdz/

My pleasure.

/maɪ/

What the hell happened to you?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /juː/

Oh, I just had a very minor

/dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /ˈvɛr.i/

"blew out my knee and it hurts like hell" incident.

/aʊt/ /maɪ/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /hɜːrts/ /laɪk/

How did you blow out your knee?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/

We, uh, "Helped someone move out of a sixth floor walk-up

/wiː/ /hɛlpt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /muːv/ /aʊt/ /flɔːr/

in exchange for pizza and beer."

/ɪksˈtʃeɪndʒ/ /fɔːr/ /ænd/ /bɪər/

Or we, uh, helped someone rob a sixth floor walk-up.

/wiː/ /hɛlpt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /flɔːr/

They were in a big hurry and left all the pictures behind.

/ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈhʌri/ /ænd/ /lɛft/ /ɔːl/ /ˈpɪktʃərz/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/

Whatevs, it counts.

/ɪt/

Now, I am off to

/naʊ/ /ɒf/

"Dye my hair a funny color,"

/maɪ/ /hɛr/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /ˈkʌlər/

and then we are going to, "Go to a rave."

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/

Ooh, 4:00!

Supper time.

/taɪm/

Okay.

So, your dad was tough on you.

/jʊr/ /dæd/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /juː/

That stinks,

/ðæt/

but you don't have to be like him.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /biː/ /laɪk/ /hɪm/

You can learn from his mistakes.

/juː/ /kæn/ /lɜːrn/ /hɪz/

Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard.

/ˈskɔːrbɔːrd/

The guy nailed it, okay? He taught me how to be a winner.

/ɡaɪ/ /ɪt/ /hiː/ /tɔːt/ /miː/ /haʊ/ /biː/

That's what I'm teaching these kids.

/wɒt/ /ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /ðiːz/ /kɪdz/

And, for that matter,

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /ˈmætər/

that's what I'm gonna teach our kids someday.

/wɒt/ /tiːtʃ/ /aʊər/ /kɪdz/

Okay, that's it.

/ɪt/

This is not how we're gonna raise our kids!

/ɪz/ /haʊ/ /reɪz/ /aʊər/ /kɪdz/

And this is not how you're gonna coach this team!

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /haʊ/ /tiːm/

At tomorrow's game,

/ɡeɪm/

if you are anything less

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /lɛs/

than a teddy bear stuffed with cotton candy and rainbows,

/ðæn/ /ˈtɛdi/ /bɛr/ /wɪð/ /ænd/

I will silent treatment your ass into the ground!

/wɪl/ /ˈtriːtmənt/ /jʊr/ /ɡraʊnd/

You'll think the time I found your Internet search history

/θɪŋk/ /taɪm/ /jʊr/ /ˈɪntərˌnɛt/ /sɜːrtʃ/ /ˈhɪstəri/

was a freakin' picnic!

/wɒz/

Are we clear?!

/wiː/ /klɪər/

Lily, there are many different philo...

/ðɛr/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

Are we clear?!

/wiː/ /klɪər/

Yes, ma'am.

You know, what's ironic is that now...

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /naʊ/

Just call Ted.

/dʒʌst/ /kɔːl/

I want to go home.

/wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/

All right. I'm calling him.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /hɪm/

But it's 4:30 in the morning.

/bʌt/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

He's not going to be awake.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /əˈweɪk/

Up at 4:00...

/ʌp/

Check.

/tʃɛk/

Is he answering?

/ɪz/ /hiː/

I haven't dialed yet.

/jɛt/

Oh, please hurry, Robin.

/pliːz/ /ˈhʌri/

Ooh, perfect.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

"Take forever to answer the phone."

/teɪk/ /fərˈɛvər/ /ˈæn.sər/ /foʊn/

Come on, Ted.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Someone gave me some aspirin

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /sʌm/

and I don't think it was aspirin.

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

Check.

/tʃɛk/

So, I know that I have been a little tough on you

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɒn/ /juː/

for the past couple days.

/fɔːr/ /pæst/ /ˈkʌpəl/

And I apologize for that.

/ænd/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

So today, we're not gonna worry about winning.

/təˈdeɪ/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/

We're gonna go out there and...

/ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/

have fun.

/hæv/ /fʌn/

Kids, over the years,

/kɪdz/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

your Uncle Marshall has told and retold

/jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /hæz/ /toʊld/ /ænd/

the story of this game hundreds of times.

/ˈstɔːri/ /ɡeɪm/ /taɪmz/

And in reality,

/ænd/

the kids on that other team

/kɪdz/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /tiːm/

were probably only a grade older

/wɜːr/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɡreɪd/ /ˈoʊldər/

But, in telling and retelling the story,

/bʌt/ /ænd/ /ˈstɔːri/

they came to look like this.

/ðeɪ/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/

Let's go, baby!

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Yay! Way to let them score that easily.

/jeɪ/ /weɪ/ /lɛt/ /ðɛm/ /skɔːr/ /ðæt/ /ˈiː.zɪ.li/

Oh, now you're sitting down. Awesome.

/naʊ/ /daʊn/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Addison, it's not soccer.

You don't kick the ball!

/juː/ /kɪk/ /bɔːl/

Unless that's something that you think is fun,

/ənˈlɛs/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ɪz/ /fʌn/

in which case, great job having fun.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɡreɪt/ /dʒɒb/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /fʌn/

Whoa, that was a foul, wasn't it, Ref?

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/

My name's not Ref. It's Kenny.

/maɪ/

And watch your tone.

/ænd/ /wɒtʃ/ /jʊr/

Oh, no tone, Kenny.

/noʊ/

Great job, Kenny.

/ɡreɪt/ /dʒɒb/

Thanks a lot, Kenny.

/lɒt/

See you later, Kenny.

/siː/ /juː/ /ˈleɪtər/

All right, Barney.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

As your manager,

/jʊr/ /ˈmænɪdʒər/

This bet is over.Your ear looks like

/bɛt/ /ɪz/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /jʊr/ /laɪk/

a free Danish

/friː/

Ow! No.

/noʊ/

No. One thing left.

/noʊ/ /θɪŋ/ /lɛft/

"Beer bong."

/bɪər/

Oh! Coming right up.

/raɪt/ /ʌp/

Oh, I, uh,

found these weird Russian beers in the basement.

/ðiːz/ /bɪərz/ /ˈbeɪsmənt/

Russian beers? I'll take a brewski.

/bɪərz/ /teɪk/

Hey. Brewski. Get it?

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Yeah, it's, uh...

It's a little warm.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /wɔːrm/

Hope that's not a problem.

/hoʊp/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Uh... no.

/noʊ/

Uh, no.

/noʊ/

Okay.

Ah! I... All right, Ted.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

You win. I hate this.

/juː/ /wɪn/ /heɪt/

I hate all of it.

/heɪt/ /ɔːl/ /ɪt/

My back is killing me.

/maɪ/ /bæk/ /ɪz/ /ˈkɪlɪŋ/ /miː/

Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /θɔːt/ /wɒz/

My ear hurts so bad I can hear it...

/maɪ/ /hɜːrts/ /bæd/ /kæn/ /hɪr/ /ɪt/

I can hear my own ear.Think about that.

/kæn/ /hɪr/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

My clothes...

/maɪ/ /kloʊðz/

What is it... What is it...What am I...

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /wɒt/

Get this stuff off of me!

/ɡɛt/ /stʌf/ /ɒf/ /miː/

Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit.

/peɪ/ /juː/ /ˈdʌbəl/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /suːt/

Here's, uh, 30 bucks.

And throw in the shoes.

/ænd/ /θroʊ/ /ʃuːz/

You win, Ted.

/juː/ /wɪn/

I'll never do anything on the Murtaugh List again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/ /əˈɡɛn/

I'm too old for this stuff.

/oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /stʌf/

You know, Barney, last night,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /læst/ /naɪt/

because it was on the list,and I couldn't sleep because...

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/ /ænd/ /sliːp/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

well, it was 8:00.

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon.

/wɒtʃ/

And then, when I still couldn't sleep,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wɛn/ /sliːp/

I watched Lethal Weapon 2.

/wɒtʃt/

And then I watched 3.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wɒtʃt/

And then, halfway through Lethal Weapon 4,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /θruː/

is when it occurred to me...

/ɪz/ /wɛn/ /ɪt/ /miː/

Murtaugh kept saying,"I'm too old for this stuff,"

/oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /stʌf/

but every time he'd say it,

/bʌt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/

he'd turn around, make another movie,

/tɜːrn/ /əˈraʊnd/ /meɪk/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈmuːvi/

and do more stuff.

/ænd/ /duː/ /mɔːr/ /stʌf/

I guess what I'm saying is...

/ɡɛs/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/

screw being old.

/skruː/ /oʊld/

Let's go TP laser tag, huh?

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈleɪzər/

And then the hospital.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/

Great job, guys.

/ɡreɪt/ /dʒɒb/ /ɡaɪz/

At least we're not keeping score, right?

/liːst/ /skɔːr/ /raɪt/

No idea what the score is.

/noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /wɒt/ /skɔːr/ /ɪz/

53?0 Could be 53 to zero.

/kʊd/ /biː/

Could be some other score.

/kʊd/ /biː/ /sʌm/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /skɔːr/

It's 53 to zero.

What are we doing wrong, Coach?

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /rɒŋ/

You know what? You're not doing anything wrong.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /rɒŋ/

It's great that you guys are losing,

/ɡreɪt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

because in life,it doesn't matter

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /laɪf/ /ɪt/ /ˈmætər/

how much effort you put in,

/haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /juː/ /pʊt/

or how hard you try,

/haʊ/ /hɑːrd/ /juː/ /traɪ/

people will just give you things.

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /wɪl/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /θɪŋz/

Like diplomas and jobs and promotions.

/laɪk/ /ænd/ /ænd/

So, it doesn't matter what you do out there,

/ɪt/ /ˈmætər/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /duː/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

as long as...as long as you have fun.

/lɔːŋ/ /lɔːŋ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /fʌn/

At that point,

/ðæt/ /pɔɪnt/

because they didn't want to fight in front of the kids,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðeɪ/ /wɒnt/ /faɪt/ /kɪdz/

your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily

/jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ænd/ /ænt/

had one of their telepathic conversations.

/hæd/ /ðɛr/

Don't you give me that look.

/juː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /lʊk/

Lily, I can't take it anymore!

/teɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Your way of coaching is crazy!

/jʊr/ /weɪ/ /ˈkoʊtʃɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Stop yelling at me!

/stɒp/ /miː/

Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

But can I please do it my way?

/bʌt/ /kæn/ /pliːz/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/

Fine, but I'm going to do it my way, too.

/faɪn/ /bʌt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/

I'm getting my guitar.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /maɪ/

I don't know if it was Marshall's tough attitude,

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈætɪtjuːd/

Lily's gentle encouragement,

/ˈdʒɛntl/

or some magical combination of the two,

/sʌm/ /tuː/

but in the second half of that game,

/bʌt/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /hæf/ /ðæt/ /ɡeɪm/

that ragtag group of little firecrackers...

/ðæt/ /ɡruːp/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

got beat down even worse.

/biːt/ /daʊn/ /ˈiːvən/ /wɜːrs/

In fact, according to your Uncle Marshall,

/fækt/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

in the second half,the other team got even taller

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /hæf/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /tiːm/ /ˈiːvən/

And one of them turned into a Teen Wolf.

/ænd/ /ðɛm/

Kenny! There is a Teen Wolf on the court!

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/ /kɔːt/

That can't be legal.

/ðæt/ /biː/ /ˈliːɡəl/

I know the Teen Wolf looks different, kids,

/noʊ/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /kɪdz/

but try to make sure he feels included.

/bʌt/ /traɪ/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /hiː/ /fiːlz/

How is that not traveling, Kenny?!

/haʊ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

You are killing me!

/juː/ /ˈkɪlɪŋ/ /miː/

You are absolutely killing me!

/juː/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ˈkɪlɪŋ/ /miː/

Hey, watch it, Coach,

/wɒtʃ/ /ɪt/

or you'll get a technical.

/ɡɛt/ /ˈtɛknɪkl/

Oh, Kenny.

I am begging you to give me a technical.

/juː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ˈtɛknɪkl/

When the final horn mercifully blew,

/wɛn/ /ˈfaɪnəl/ /hɔːrn/

the score was, by Marshall's estimate, 118 to nothing.

/skɔːr/ /wɒz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

And even though they didn't win anything,

/ænd/ /ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /wɪn/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

everyone, even the coach,got a participation trophy.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ˈiːvən/

I understand if you don't want it.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɪt/

I love it.

/lʌv/ /ɪt/

I just... I worked so hard.

/dʒʌst/ /wɜːrkt/ /hɑːrd/

It feels good to be appreciated for my effort.

/ɪt/ /fiːlz/ /ɡʊd/ /biː/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/

I know, baby.

/noʊ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Maybe-maybe your way is not totally stupid.

/jʊr/ /weɪ/ /ɪz/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

Thanks.