Season 4 · Tập 22

In May of 2009, I was on the verge of scoring

/meɪ/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/

my first big client as an independent architect.

/maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈklaɪənt/ /ˌɪndɪˈpɛndənt/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

I was willing to do anything to make it happen.

/wɒz/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈhæpən/

Here's what we want, son. It's real simple.

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /wɒnt/ /sʌn/ /riːl/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

We're opening a restaurant called Rib Town

/ˈrɛstərɒnt/ /taʊn/

and we want it to be shaped

/ænd/ /wiː/ /wɒnt/ /ɪt/ /biː/

like a cowboy hat.

/laɪk/ /hæt/

Anything.

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

A cowboy hat?

/hæt/

That's brilliant.

I love it!

/lʌv/ /ɪt/

I mean, nothing says delicious like the inside of a cowboy hat, right?

/miːn/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/ /laɪk/ /hæt/ /raɪt/

Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy.

/lʊk/ /juː/ /jʊr/ /ɡaɪ/

I think I was born to design this building.

/θɪŋk/ /wɒz/ /bɔːrn/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

I just...

/dʒʌst/

I see it.

/siː/ /ɪt/

I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it.

/siː/ /ɪt/ /siː/ /ɪt/ /siː/ /ɪt/

What's so good about it?

/ɡʊd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Up all night?

/ʌp/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

I told these guys I have a vision for this thing.

/toʊld/ /ðiːz/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæv/ /fɔːr/ /θɪŋ/

They want to see a pitch in a week and I got nothing.

/ðeɪ/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /wiːk/ /ænd/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

- It's cute. - Cute?

/kjuːt/ /kjuːt/

I could be designing concert halls and bridges.

/kʊd/ /biː/ /dɪˈzaɪnɪŋ/ /ˈkɒnsərt/ /ænd/

Bridges so beautiful they could be in museums.

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ðeɪ/ /kʊd/ /biː/

And I could design those museums.

/ænd/ /kʊd/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /ðoʊz/

But what am I designing instead? What has my career come to?

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /dɪˈzaɪnɪŋ/ /ɪnˈstɛd/ /wɒt/ /hæz/ /maɪ/ /kəˈrɪr/ /kʌm/

A two-story Stetson with outdoor dining on the brim.

/wɪð/ /ˈaʊtdɔːr/ /ˈdaɪnɪŋ/ /ɒn/

It's a sick cosmic joke.

/sɪk/ /dʒoʊk/

The universe is conspiring against me.

/ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /ɪz/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /miː/

You just need to get out of the house. Take a walk. Get a bagel.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /niːd/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /haʊs/ /teɪk/ /wɔːk/ /ɡɛt/

Yeah, that'll solve everything.

/sɒlv/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

I haven't slept for 34 hours, but a bagel is the answer.

/slɛpt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈaʊərz/ /bʌt/ /ɪz/ /ˈæn.sər/

A cinnamon raisin bagel with a little cream cheese.

/wɪð/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /kriːm/ /tʃiːz/

That sounds pretty good, I'm going to get a bagel.

/ðæt/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/

Bring an umbrella. It's supposed to rain,

/brɪŋ/ /ʌmˈbrɛlə/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /reɪn/

according to Galoshes, our weather clown.

/aʊər/ /ˈwɛðər/

Your show has a clown who does the weather?

/jʊr/ /ʃoʊ/ /hæz/ /huː/ /dʌz/ /ˈwɛðər/

That's a little cheesy, no?

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /noʊ/

And what's that restaurant you're designing shaped like, Hoss?

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɛstərɒnt/ /dɪˈzaɪnɪŋ/ /laɪk/

Fine. You want me out of the house,

/faɪn/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /aʊt/ /haʊs/

I'll get out of the house.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /haʊs/

Can't wait to see what the universe has lined up for me out there.

/weɪt/ /siː/ /wɒt/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /hæz/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother.

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /ˈstɔːri/ /haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

And while there's many things to learn from this story,

/ænd/ /waɪl/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /θɪŋz/ /lɜːrn/ /ˈstɔːri/

this may be the biggest.

/meɪ/ /biː/

The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do.

/ɡreɪt/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/ /biː/ /θɪŋz/ /juː/ /duː/

They'll also be the things that happen to you.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /biː/ /θɪŋz/ /ðæt/ /ˈhæpən/ /juː/

I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life.

/juː/ /teɪk/ /ˈæk.ʃən/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

You have to take action, and you will.

/juː/ /hæv/ /teɪk/ /ˈæk.ʃən/ /ænd/ /juː/ /wɪl/

But never forget that, on any day,

/bʌt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ɒn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /deɪ/

you could step out the front door and your whole life can change forever.

/juː/ /kʊd/ /stɛp/ /aʊt/ /dɔːr/ /ænd/ /jʊr/ /hoʊl/ /laɪf/ /kæn/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /fərˈɛvər/

You see, the universe has a plan, kids,

/juː/ /siː/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /hæz/ /plæn/ /kɪdz/

and that plan is always in motion.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /plæn/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈmoʊʃən/

A butterfly flaps its wings...

/ɪts/ /wɪŋz/

and it starts to rain.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /reɪn/

It's a scary thought. But it's also kind of wonderful.

/ˈskɛri/ /θɔːt/ /bʌt/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/

All these little parts of the machine constantly working,

/ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /məˈʃiːn/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/

making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be,

/ʃʊr/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /ɛnd/ /ʌp/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɛr/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/

exactly when you're supposed to be there.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɛn/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /ðɛr/

The right place... at the right time.

/raɪt/ /pleɪs/ /raɪt/ /taɪm/

Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow

Kids, it's a miracle that I ended up on that street corner.

/kɪdz/ /ðæt/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /striːt/ /ˈkɔːrnər/

Especially when you consider how easy it would have been not to end up there.

/ɪˈspɛʃəli/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /kənˈsɪd.ər/ /haʊ/ /ˈiː.zi/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /ɛnd/ /ʌp/ /ðɛr/

I mean, when I first stepped out of the apartment,

/miːn/ /wɛn/ /fɜːrst/ /aʊt/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

I almost went right instead of left.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /wɛnt/ /raɪt/ /ɪnˈstɛd/ /lɛft/

Why didn't I go right?

/waɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /raɪt/

To answer that, we have to go back a few days.

/ˈæn.sər/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /fjuː/

As you know, back then, your Aunt Robin hosted a morning show.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /bæk/ /ðɛn/ /jʊr/ /ænt/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /ʃoʊ/

Now Eunice here makes all of these purses herself.

/naʊ/ /hɪr/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/

They're hand embroidered with the world's finest silk.

/hænd/ /wɪð/

And each one takes months to make.

/ænd/ /iːtʃ/ /meɪk/

I cannot emphasize how much work goes into...

/haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /wɜːrk/ /ɡoʊz/

Go to weather, you idiot.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈwɛðər/ /juː/ /ˈɪdiət/

Hey, everybody.

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/

We got a high pressure system coming in from the west and...

/wiː/ /haɪ/ /ˈsɪstəm/ /wɛst/ /ænd/

On the plus side, I bought the cutest purse today.

/ɒn/ /plʌs/ /saɪd/ /bɔːt/ /təˈdeɪ/

So, wait, why did you throw up?

/weɪt/ /waɪ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /θroʊ/ /ʌp/

- You don't want to know. - Come on. Tell me.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /tɛl/ /miː/

I'm pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

I will raise this child with you. You are not alone in this.

/wɪl/ /reɪz/ /tʃaɪld/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /juː/ /əˈloʊn/

We can even get married if you want, but I still want to see other girls,

/wiː/ /kæn/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /bʌt/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ɡɜːrlz/

- it would've to be one of those kind... - God, stop it.

/ɪt/ /biː/ /ðoʊz/ /kaɪnd/ /stɒp/ /ɪt/

I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/ /fuːd/

I ate something from this place,

/eɪt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /pleɪs/

and three hours later, I was spewing like an open hydrant.

/ænd/ /θriː/ /ˈaʊərz/ /ˈleɪtər/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/ /ˈoʊ.pən/

- God. From where? - Well, that's a gross question.

/wɛr/ /wɛl/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

No, where was the food from?

/noʊ/ /wɛr/ /wɒz/ /fuːd/

- I don't want to tell you. - What?

/wɒnt/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /wɒt/

Go to YouTube. Put in "Robin Scherbatsky morning show vomit"

/ɡoʊ/ /pʊt/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /ʃoʊ/

Robin, home so soon.

/hoʊm/ /suːn/

Someone already put it on YouTube?

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /pʊt/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/

Yeah... Someone.

/ˈsʌmwʌn/

So... Why you been throwing up? You pregnant?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /juː/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

So, wait, why won't you tell me where you got food poisoning?

/weɪt/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /wɛr/ /juː/ /fuːd/

You love this place. If I tell you, it'll just ruin it.

/juː/ /lʌv/ /pleɪs/ /ɪf/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈruːɪn/ /ɪt/

- That makes sense. - Yeah.

/ðæt/ /sɛns/

Don't tell me.

/tɛl/ /miː/

Is it that Indian place where the cat jumps on all the tables?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /pleɪs/ /wɛr/ /kæt/ /ɒn/ /ɔːl/

I'm not saying.

- That Spanish place with baby's crib? - I'm not saying.

/ðæt/ /pleɪs/ /wɪð/

God, no.

/noʊ/

Is it this place? Tell me, damn you!

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /pleɪs/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /juː/

- You really want to know? - Yes!

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/

It's Schlegel's Bagels.

Why did you tell me that?

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /ðæt/

Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin.

/lɒt/

Now I'm gonna have to try to find another place in NY

/naʊ/ /hæv/ /traɪ/ /faɪnd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /pleɪs/

that serves bagels.

/ðæt/

So, you see, kids, if I had gone to Schlegel's Bagels as usual,

/juː/ /siː/ /kɪdz/ /ɪf/ /hæd/ /ɡɔːn/

I would have taken a right.

/wʊd/ /hæv/ /raɪt/

I would have gotten a bagel...

/wʊd/ /hæv/

gone home, worked on the old hat building,

/ɡɔːn/ /hoʊm/ /wɜːrkt/ /ɒn/ /oʊld/ /hæt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

and you kids might never have been born.

/ænd/ /juː/ /kɪdz/ /maɪt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hæv/ /bɔːrn/

But I turned left instead, to go to my second-favorite bagel place

/bʌt/ /lɛft/ /ɪnˈstɛd/ /ɡoʊ/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

and the rest is history.

/ænd/ /rɛst/ /ɪz/ /ˈhɪstəri/

Of course, I stopped at that magazine stand on the way.

/kɔːrs/ /ðæt/ /ˌmæɡəˈziːn/ /stænd/ /ɒn/ /weɪ/

Why did I stop there? Here's why.

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /stɒp/ /ðɛr/ /waɪ/

Bro's Life magazine.

/laɪf/ /ˌmæɡəˈziːn/

Page 83. Check it.

/tʃɛk/ /ɪt/

"What your paintball gun says about your personality"?

/wɒt/ /jʊr/ /ɡʌn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/

Below that.

/ðæt/

"That last five pounds: How to get her to lose them."

/ðæt/ /læst/ /faɪv/ /haʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/ /luːz/ /ðɛm/

Above that.

/ðæt/

Petra Petrova.

Bro's Life magazine's girl of the year for may.

/laɪf/ /ɡɜːrl/ /jɪr/ /fɔːr/ /meɪ/

A delicate flower in stiletto pumps and leopard panties,

/ˈflaʊ.ər/ /ænd/

straddling an ATV.

These magazines are so lame. I mean, she's probably airbrushed and enhanced.

/ðiːz/ /miːn/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /ænd/

- I have a date with her. - You are my hero! Are you serious?

/hæv/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /juː/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

- How do you have a date with her? - Not part of the story.

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /pɑːrt/ /ˈstɔːri/

Ted, I have been waiting a long time to say this.

/hæv/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/ /seɪ/

This girl is the one.

/ɡɜːrl/ /ɪz/

Of course she's the one. You have to marry those.

/kɔːrs/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈmæri/ /ðoʊz/

Her.

/hɜːr/

Marry?

/ˈmæri/

I have something much, much more special in mind.

/hæv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /mʌtʃ/ /mʌtʃ/ /mɔːr/ /ˈspɛʃəl/ /maɪnd/

Petra here, if all goes well,

/hɪr/ /ɪf/ /ɔːl/ /ɡoʊz/ /wɛl/

will be my... wait for it, two hundredth.

/wɪl/ /biː/ /maɪ/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /tuː/

Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all exciting.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /weɪt/ /ɔːl/ /ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ/

Your two hundredth, as in "sex with"?

/jʊr/ /tuː/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/

As in "sex with."

/sɛks/ /wɪð/

I request the highest of fives.

/rɪˈkwɛst/

Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit.

/ɪf/ /wɒz/ /suːt/

200 is too many.

/ɪz/ /ˈmɛn.i/

Right, 'cause there can be too many of something wonderful.

/raɪt/ /kɔːz/ /ðɛr/ /kæn/ /biː/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/

"Babe Ruth, easy, big fella. Let's not hit too many homers."

/beɪb/ /ˈiː.zi/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈmɛn.i/

"Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /dʒʌst/ /meɪk/ /θriː/

"America's laughed enough."

/ɪˈnʌf/

Who are these girls?

/huː/ /ðiːz/ /ɡɜːrlz/

That was rhetorical. Don't show me the list.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ʃoʊ/ /miː/ /lɪst/

199 satisfied customers.

Anyway, the big night is Thursday.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /bɪɡ/ /naɪt/ /ɪz/

I'm having a celebratory soirée beforehand at MacLaren's.

/ˈhævɪŋ/

Prepare a toast. Black tie optional, but preferred.

/prɪˈpɛr/ /toʊst/ /blæk/ /taɪ/ /bʌt/

Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary, but follow your heart.

/lʊk/ /wʊd/ /seɪ/ /bʌt/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /jʊr/ /hɑːrt/

200's too many.

/ˈmɛn.i/

- It's not too many. - It's too many!

/ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈmɛn.i/

- It's not too many. - Thank you.

/ˈmɛn.i/ /juː/

No, don't get me wrong.

/noʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /miː/ /rɒŋ/

You're disgusting, and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals,

/dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/ /ænd/ /ʃʊd/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/

but that number should be higher.

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/

After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and,

/ˈæf.tər/ /toʊld/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɔːl/ /ˈnʌmbərz/ /ænd/

well...

/wɛl/

I had some charts made up.

/hæd/ /sʌm/ /tʃɑːrts/ /ʌp/

Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week.

/hɪr/ /ɒn/ /ˈrʌfli/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /wiːk/

It's way more than 20. And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.

/weɪ/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ænd/ /duː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈrʌfli/

Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means

/seɪ/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /wiːk/

1,040 girls a year.

/ɡɜːrlz/ /jɪr/

In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity,

/ˈsɛkʃuəl/

that means he's hit on 16,640 girls.

/ðæt/ /ɒn/ /ɡɜːrlz/

Now, if he's bedded 199 of them,

/naʊ/ /ɪf/ /ðɛm/

that is a success rate of...

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

a little over one percent.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /pərˈsɛnt/

That's a batting average of 12,

eight times worse than the career batting average of...

/eɪt/ /taɪmz/ /wɜːrs/ /ðæn/ /kəˈrɪr/

one-handed pitcher, that's right,

/raɪt/

pitcher... Jim Abbott.

Jealous.

/ˈdʒɛləs/

Jealous.

/ˈdʒɛləs/

Hero.

Suspiciously quiet during this conversation

/ˈkwaɪɪt/ /ˈdʊərɪŋ/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

about number of sex partners. Hero.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /sɛks/

It's the grand total. That's the only number that matters.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /ðæt/

- Says who? - Matthew Panning,

/huː/

the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.

/pɔːrt/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /skuːl/

Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o.

/sʌtʃ/

I bet you never even done it with a girl.

/bɛt/ /juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈiːvən/ /dʌn/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/

Neither have you.

/hæv/ /juː/

How many times do I have to explain this?

/haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /taɪmz/ /duː/ /hæv/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/

I've done it with 100 girls.

/dʌn/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrlz/

They're seventh graders at my cousin's school on Long Island.

/maɪ/ /skuːl/ /ɒn/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

Well, you know what, Matthew? Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/

Yeah. Call me when that happens.

/kɔːl/ /miː/ /wɛn/ /ðæt/ /ˈhæpənz/

And call him I will.

/ænd/ /kɔːl/ /hɪm/ /wɪl/

I think he's gonna say it again really slow.

/θɪŋk/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /sloʊ/

Call him...

/kɔːl/ /hɪm/

I will.

/wɪl/

You listed Gaby Allan twice, as 78 and 162.

/juː/ /ænd/

What? Let me see.

/wɒt/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /siː/

Seventy...

Once. Oh, my God.

/wʌns/ /maɪ/

Wait a... I counted the same girl twice?

/weɪt/ /seɪm/ /ɡɜːrl/

That means I'm only at one 198?

/ðæt/ /ˈoʊnli/

That only means that you're half a percent less gross than we thought.

/ðæt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ðæt/ /hæf/ /pərˈsɛnt/ /lɛs/ /ðæn/ /wiː/ /θɔːt/

I'm seducing a Czech supermodel in two hours.

/tuː/ /ˈaʊərz/

I can't squander that on 199.

/ðæt/ /ɒn/

Petra has to be 200.

/hæz/ /biː/

What are you gonna do? It's not like you're gonna find someone new

/wɒt/ /juː/ /duː/ /laɪk/ /faɪnd/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /njuː/

to have sex with in the next two hours.

/hæv/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /nɛkst/ /tuː/ /ˈaʊərz/

Hi, millionaire astronaut. Want to come back to my place

/wɒnt/ /kʌm/ /bæk/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

- and see some moon shells? - Go away.

/ænd/ /siː/ /sʌm/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈweɪ/

I just got back from my wife's grave. Put her in the ground a year ago today.

/dʒʌst/ /bæk/ /maɪ/ /pʊt/ /hɜːr/ /ɡraʊnd/ /jɪr/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /təˈdeɪ/

Man, I miss her. I sure could use some comfort.

/mæn/ /mɪs/ /hɜːr/ /ʃʊr/ /kʊd/ /juːz/ /sʌm/

You're creepy.

/ˈkriːpi/

Man, aren't you sick of all the games? I just want to settle down

/mæn/ /juː/ /sɪk/ /ɔːl/ /ɡeɪmz/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /ˈsɛtl/ /daʊn/

and have a gaggle of rug rats, like, right now.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /rʌɡ/ /laɪk/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I have Mace, and I enjoy using it.

/hæv/ /ænd/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /ɪt/

Knowing how important this is to me, do you think Lily would even consider...

/haʊ/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ɪz/ /miː/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /wʊd/ /ˈiːvən/ /kənˈsɪd.ər/

- By the way, I would do all the work... - I will end your life.

/weɪ/ /wʊd/ /duː/ /ɔːl/ /wɜːrk/ /wɪl/ /ɛnd/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

Right.

/raɪt/

Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

You know, looking over the names on this list,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/

I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity.

/lɒt/

He should really look at that in himself.

/hiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /lʊk/ /ðæt/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

All done.

/ɔːl/ /dʌn/

199 down, one more to go.

/daʊn/ /mɔːr/ /ɡoʊ/

You done with your drink?

/juː/ /dʌn/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /drɪŋk/

There's the stuff.

/stʌf/

What the hell happened to you?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /juː/

So, there's this girl at my gym...

/ɡɜːrl/ /maɪ/ /dʒɪm/

Pauline... she's been after me for some time.

/ˈæf.tər/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /sʌm/ /taɪm/

- Why'd you wait until now? - She's not exactly my type.

/juː/ /weɪt/ /ənˈtɪl/ /naʊ/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /maɪ/ /taɪp/

Looking good, Pauline.

/ɡʊd/

You are gonna rip it up

/juː/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/

at the Women's Pumping Iron Classic in Sarasota this fall.

/ˈaɪərn/ /ˈklæsɪk/ /fɔːl/

I was thinking about you and me

/wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /ænd/ /miː/

and if you're still interested...

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /ˈɪntrəstɪd/

- Okay, blondie, time for Mama's cardio! - Geez! Mommy!

/taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkɑːrdioʊ/ /ˈmɒmi/

Every inch of her

/ˈɛv.ri/ /hɜːr/

tasted like roast beef and creatine.

/laɪk/ /roʊst/ /biːf/ /ænd/

But I did it.

/bʌt/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/

I did it and I still have 30 minutes before I'm supposed to meet Petra.

/dɪd/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /miːt/

Robin, do you have any concealer handy?

/duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/

I'd really like to cover up some bruises and razor burn.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /laɪk/ /ˈkʌvər/ /ʌp/ /sʌm/ /ænd/ /bɜːrn/

- I hate to break this to you, but... - What?

/heɪt/ /breɪk/ /juː/ /bʌt/ /wɒt/

Well, you did count Gaby Allan twice,

/wɛl/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /kaʊnt/

but... you also went from 138 to 138.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /wɛnt/

You used the same number twice.

/juː/ /seɪm/ /ˈnʌmbər/

Wait, so, that means...

/weɪt/ /ðæt/

Pauline wasn't 199, Pauline was 200?

/wɒz/

Congratulations!

/kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/

No... That was supposed to be Petra!

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/

Petra was supposed to be 200!

/wɒz/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/

Gorgeous, feminine, "Doesn't wear a weight belt in bed," Petra!

/wɛr/ /bɛd/

Hey, come on. You made it to 200.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /ɪt/

You should be proud.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /praʊd/

You should be tested, but you should be proud.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /praʊd/

Who cares if Pauline doesn't pose for bikini pictures in magazines?

/huː/ /kɛrz/ /ɪf/ /fɔːr/ /ˈpɪktʃərz/

Actually, she does.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ʃiː/ /dʌz/

She's gonna be in next week's issue of Muscle Sexxy.

/biː/ /nɛkst/ /ˈɪʃuː/ /ˈmʌsəl/

And like many of the ladies in that magazine,

/ænd/ /laɪk/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ðæt/ /ˌmæɡəˈziːn/

Sexxy has two X's and one Y.

/hæz/ /tuː/ /ænd/

And so, on my way to get a bagel,

/ænd/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/ /ɡɛt/

I stopped at a newsstand for a full minute

/fɔːr/ /fʊl/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

to check out a picture of Barney's 200th.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/

If I hadn't done that,

/ɪf/ /dʌn/ /ðæt/

I would've walked right by the newsstand,

/raɪt/

cut down 77th and gotten to that corner a minute early.

/kʌt/ /daʊn/ /ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈkɔːrnər/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /ˈɜːr.li/

I would've gotten the bagel, done some work,

/dʌn/ /sʌm/ /wɜːrk/

and you kids might never have been born.

/ænd/ /juː/ /kɪdz/ /maɪt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hæv/ /bɔːrn/

Now, why did I cut down 77th,

/naʊ/ /waɪ/ /dɪd/ /kʌt/ /daʊn/

and give a dollar to the homeless guy? Here's why.

/ænd/ /ɡɪv/ /ɡaɪ/ /waɪ/

Back when Marshall first started working at Goliath National Bank...

/bæk/ /wɛn/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /ˈnæʃənl/ /bæŋk/

Fran, I don't mean to bother you but I have a big presentation tomorrow

/miːn/ /ˈbɒðər/ /juː/ /bʌt/ /hæv/ /bɪɡ/ /ˌprɛzənˈteɪʃən/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

and it would really help if I could get like some charts and graphs made up.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɛlp/ /ɪf/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /laɪk/ /sʌm/ /tʃɑːrts/ /ænd/ /ʌp/

- Could you help me with that? - This is the graphics department.

/kʊd/ /juː/ /hɛlp/ /miː/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /dɪˈpɑːrtmənt/

We can make as many graphs, as many charts in as many colors

/wiː/ /kæn/ /meɪk/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /tʃɑːrts/ /ˈmɛn.i/

on as many kinds of paper as you want.

/ɒn/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

We are gonna have some fun.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /fʌn/

I've ranked the Presidents in order of how dirty their names sound.

/ˈɔːrdər/ /haʊ/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /ðɛr/ /saʊnd/

One: Johnson.

Two: Bush. Hai: Bush.

/tuː/

Three: Harding. Ba: Harding.

/θriː/

Four: Polk.

This circle represents "People Who Are Breaking My Heart..."

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /huː/ /maɪ/ /hɑːrt/

and this circle represents

/ænd/

"People Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily."

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /huː/ /maɪ/ /ˈdeɪ.li/

And where they overlap:

/ænd/ /wɛr/ /ðeɪ/

Cecilia. Cecilia.

This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars.

/ɪz/ /paɪ/ /maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/

And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /bɑːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/

What's going on?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Enough with the charts.

/ɪˈnʌf/ /wɪð/ /tʃɑːrts/

And the graphs.

/ænd/

Really any visual representation of data.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈdeɪtə/

I'm not an idiot.

/ˈɪdiət/

I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs.

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /fiːl/ /əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /tʃɑːrts/ /ænd/ /maɪ/

As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts.

/ˈmætər/ /fækt/ /jʊr/ /riˈækʃən/ /maɪ/ /tʃɑːrts/

Let's take a look. Yes, it is true,

/teɪk/ /lʊk/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /truː/

since Cecelia, your interest in my charts

/sɪns/ /jʊr/ /maɪ/ /tʃɑːrts/

has been steadily dropping.

/hæz/

But based on recent trends,

/bʌt/ /ɒn/ /ˈriːsənt/

I have also made...

/hæv/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/

A projection chart!

And look... huge spike in interest coming!

/ænd/ /lʊk/ /hjuːdʒ/

And this isn't just some dead cat bounce.

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /dɛd/ /kæt/

This is big sustainable growth over the long term.

/ɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /səˈsteɪnəbl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /lɔːŋ/ /tɜːrm/

You're a big sustainable growth.

/bɪɡ/ /səˈsteɪnəbl/

So, I have prepared a few charts

/hæv/ /fjuː/ /tʃɑːrts/

to demonstrate how setting up a shell corporation in Bermuda

/haʊ/ /ʌp/

could help minimize our second quarter losses.

/kʊd/ /hɛlp/ /aʊər/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ˈkwɔːrtər/

And save you all some jail time.

/ænd/ /seɪv/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /sʌm/ /taɪm/

To begin with...

/bɪˈɡɪn/ /wɪð/

Could you just please excuse me?

/kʊd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /pliːz/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

- Mosbius Designs. - What the hell happened to my charts?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /maɪ/ /tʃɑːrts/

- We threw them away. - What?

/wiː/ /ðɛm/ /əˈweɪ/ /wɒt/

That's how an intervention works.

/haʊ/ /wɜːrks/

You wouldn't stop using, so, we flushed your stash.

/juː/ /stɒp/ /wiː/ /jʊr/

Come on, Ted!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

I need my charts, man!

/niːd/ /maɪ/ /tʃɑːrts/ /mæn/

Just for today and then I promise I will never ever use charts again.

/dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /juːz/ /tʃɑːrts/ /əˈɡɛn/

I'm under at lot of pressure here. I need my charts, Jack!

/ˈʌndər/ /lɒt/ /hɪr/ /niːd/ /maɪ/ /tʃɑːrts/

My God, you're doing charts at work?

/maɪ/ /tʃɑːrts/ /wɜːrk/

They're for work, you idiot! I'm giving a big presentation right now

/fɔːr/ /wɜːrk/ /juː/ /ˈɪdiət/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /bɪɡ/ /ˌprɛzənˈteɪʃən/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

and if I don't have those charts I'm gonna get fired!

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /hæv/ /ðoʊz/ /tʃɑːrts/ /ɡɛt/ /faɪərd/

Crap.

Stay right there. I'll bring them to you.

/steɪ/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/ /brɪŋ/ /ðɛm/ /juː/

Hurry up! I'll try to think of a way to stall them.

/ˈhʌri/ /ʌp/ /traɪ/ /θɪŋk/ /weɪ/ /ðɛm/

I'm sorry but there's been a little delay with the charts.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /dɪˈleɪ/ /wɪð/ /tʃɑːrts/

But we will get started in just a minute.

/bʌt/ /wiː/ /wɪl/ /ɡɛt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Fish are weird, right?

/fɪʃ/ /raɪt/

I mean what's up with fish?

/miːn/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /fɪʃ/

Charts! Get your charts here!

/tʃɑːrts/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /tʃɑːrts/ /hɪr/

Excuse me, Milt? I think those are my charts.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðoʊz/ /maɪ/ /tʃɑːrts/

These charts? On my blanket?

/ðiːz/ /tʃɑːrts/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/

That's also my blanket. We'll get to that later.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /maɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ˈleɪtər/

- But I really need these charts. - Good, 'cause they're for sale.

/bʌt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /niːd/ /ðiːz/ /tʃɑːrts/ /ɡʊd/ /kɔːz/ /fɔːr/

Fine, how much?

/faɪn/ /haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/

One million dollars.

/ˈmɪljən/

- I'll give you five bucks. - A million dollars.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /faɪv/ /ˈmɪljən/

No one's gonna pay a million dollars for these charts!

/noʊ/ /peɪ/ /ˈmɪljən/ /fɔːr/ /ðiːz/ /tʃɑːrts/

One million dollars.

/ˈmɪljən/

Okay, Milt, you win.

/juː/ /wɪn/

I'm gonna give you one million dollars.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈmɪljən/

Urinating...

The problem is, the ATM...

/ˈprɒbləm/ /ɪz/

The alien time machine.

/taɪm/ /məˈʃiːn/

The alien time machine has a withdrawal limit.

/taɪm/ /məˈʃiːn/ /hæz/

So, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one dollar

/wɒt/ /duː/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/

a day

/deɪ/

for a million days.

/fɔːr/ /ˈmɪljən/

That's...

That's 2700 years.

Deal!

/diːl/

Sucker.

I'm sorry, is there a land bass I don't know about?

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /lænd/ /beɪs/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Let's get started.

/ɡɛt/

And so, if I hadn't bought those charts back for Marshall,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /bɔːt/ /ðoʊz/ /tʃɑːrts/ /bæk/ /fɔːr/

I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th

/hæv/ /hæd/ /kʌt/ /daʊn/

to give Milt his daily dollar

/ɡɪv/ /hɪz/ /ˈdeɪ.li/

and well, you know the rest.

/ænd/ /wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /rɛst/

So, there you have it, kids. There's a lot of little reasons

/ðɛr/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ɪt/ /kɪdz/ /lɒt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈriːzənz/

why the big things in our lives happen.

/waɪ/ /bɪɡ/ /θɪŋz/ /aʊər/ /ˈhæpən/

If I had known then where all those little things were leading me,

/ɪf/ /hæd/ /ðɛn/ /wɛr/ /ɔːl/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /θɪŋz/ /wɜːr/ /miː/

and how grateful I'd be to get there,

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /ˈɡreɪtfəl/ /biː/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛr/

well, I probably would've done something

/wɛl/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /dʌn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

like this.

/laɪk/

Because somehow, I ended up in the right place at the right time.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ʌp/ /raɪt/ /pleɪs/ /raɪt/ /taɪm/

And, as a result,

/ænd/

my life would never be the same.

/maɪ/ /laɪf/ /wʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /biː/ /seɪm/

The next day, Uncle Barney finally confronted Matthew Panning,

/nɛkst/ /deɪ/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ˈfaɪnəli/

the stud of Port Richmond Middle School.

/pɔːrt/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /skuːl/

So, Barney, great to hear from you after all this time.

/ɡreɪt/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

- What's been going on? - I've had sex with 200 women.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

God!

That's way too many.

/weɪ/ /ˈmɛn.i/

I mean, that's just gross.

/miːn/ /dʒʌst/

Have you sought counseling for sex addiction?

/hæv/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /sɛks/

Because you're a prime candidate.

/bɪˈkɔːz/

Have you sought counseling for I win you lose?

/hæv/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /wɪn/ /juː/ /luːz/

Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls

/ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /ðoʊz/ /ɡɜːrlz/

you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive.

/juː/ /ɡreɪd/

100 girls?

/ɡɜːrlz/

Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied.

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /laɪd/

Sure you did.

/ʃʊr/ /juː/ /dɪd/

I was 12... of course I was lying.

/wɒz/ /kɔːrs/ /wɒz/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/

I didn't have a pet Ewok either.

/hæv/ /ˈiː.ðər/

Sure you didn't.

/ʃʊr/ /juː/

Your whole adult life has been built around...

/jʊr/ /hoʊl/ /ˈædʌlt/ /laɪf/ /hæz/ /bɪlt/ /əˈraʊnd/

something I lied about when I was 12?

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /laɪd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/

Jealous?

/ˈdʒɛləs/

Look, I gotta go pick my kids up at school.

/lʊk/ /ɡoʊ/ /pɪk/ /maɪ/ /kɪdz/ /ʌp/ /skuːl/

It sounds like you got a lot of problems.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /lɒt/

Good luck, I guess.

/ɡʊd/ /lʌk/ /ɡɛs/

I'm awesome.

/ˈɔːsəm/

200.

Now what?

/naʊ/ /wɒt/