Season 4 · Tập 23

Kids, Stella Zenman was the girl

/kɪdz/ /wɒz/ /ɡɜːrl/

I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.

/θɔːt/ /spɛnd/ /rɛst/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /wɪð/

Until she left me at the altar,

/ənˈtɪl/ /ʃiː/ /lɛft/ /miː/

smashing my heart to smithereens.

/maɪ/ /hɑːrt/

So when I ran into her seven months later,

/wɛn/ /ræn/ /hɜːr/ /ˈsɛvən/ /ˈleɪtər/

there was only one way to deal with her.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /weɪ/ /diːl/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Stella! Stella!

Great to see you!

/ɡreɪt/ /siː/ /juː/

You, too.

/juː/

And Tony!

/ænd/

Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey!

What a nice surprise.

/wɒt/ /naɪs/ /sərˈpraɪz/

"What a nice surprise"?

/wɒt/ /naɪs/ /sərˈpraɪz/

No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell

/noʊ/ /naɪs/ /sərˈpraɪz/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ɪf/ /seɪf/

from 40 stories and smushed them both.

/ˈstɔːriz/ /ænd/ /ðɛm/ /boʊθ/

I mean, you didn't let them have it?

/miːn/ /juː/ /lɛt/ /ðɛm/ /hæv/ /ɪt/

No, we had a nice friendly chat,

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /naɪs/ /ˈfrɛndli/

then they went their way and I went mine.

/ðɛn/ /ðeɪ/ /wɛnt/ /ðɛr/ /weɪ/ /ænd/ /wɛnt/ /maɪn/

Ted, you blew it.

/juː/ /ɪt/

He blew it, right?

/hiː/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/

Well played, sir.

/wɛl/ /sɜːr/

Bravo.

What?! You see, Robin,

/wɒt/ /juː/ /siː/

Ted played it cool,

/ɪt/ /kuːl/

which is exactly what he should have done.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /hiː/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /dʌn/

As a matter of fact, I'd say on a scale ranging from...

/ˈmætər/ /fækt/ /seɪ/ /ɒn/

(sobbing): And I kept this sweater of yours...

/ænd/ /jɔːrz/

...and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub

/ænd/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /dʒʌst/ /sɪt/

for hours just, you know, just sniffing it.

/fɔːr/ /ˈaʊərz/ /dʒʌst/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ɪt/

...all the way to...

/ɔːl/ /weɪ/

This is my new fianc?.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /njuː/

She's basically Stella,

except she's French and,

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /ænd/

as you can see, she's got enormous cans.

/juː/ /kæn/ /siː/

Enchant?

Enchant?

(giggles)

...I'd say you nailed it.

/seɪ/ /juː/ /ɪt/

I'll do you one better.

/duː/ /juː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

You, sir, got Stella thinking.

/juː/ /sɜːr/

"Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today.

/ɡɒʃ/ /kuːl/ /təˈdeɪ/

Did I choose the wrong guy?"

/dɪd/ /tʃuːz/ /rɒŋ/ /ɡaɪ/

Give it a week; you'll get her back.

/ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /wiːk/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/ /bæk/

And her front.

/ænd/ /hɜːr/

(shudders): Oh.

Oh, did you just feel that?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /fiːl/ /ðæt/

I think we just had a "what up" quake.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /wɒt/ /ʌp/

TED: I don't want her back.

/wɒnt/ /hɜːr/ /bæk/

Or her front.

/hɜːr/

I just want to move on.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /muːv/ /ɒn/

And this was an important step towards that.

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /stɛp/ /ðæt/

To moving on.

/ɒn/

(all murmur)

/ɔːl/

NARRATOR: And you know, I really meant it.

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪt/

But still, that night, my mind began to wander.

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/ /maɪ/ /maɪnd/

(knocking on door)

/ɒn/ /dɔːr/

(harp glissando plays)

/pleɪz/

I made a terrible mistake.

/ˈtɛrɪbl/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

I know.

/noʊ/

I'm a better person than you are.

/ˈbɛt.ər/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ðæn/ /juː/

You totally are.

/juː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

Let's get back together

/ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

and have way more sex than before. Deal!

/ænd/ /hæv/ /weɪ/ /mɔːr/ /sɛks/ /ðæn/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /diːl/

(both moaning)

/boʊθ/

(knocking on door)

/ɒn/ /dɔːr/

Hello, Ted.

(sighs)

No, come in. It's not weird at all.

/noʊ/ /kʌm/ /ɔːl/

Ted, Teddy Ted Ted Ted. Ted, Teddy Ted Ted Ted.

/ˈtɛdi/ /ˈtɛdi/

(sighs)

I knew it was wrong to steal somebody's fianc?.

/njuː/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /rɒŋ/ /stiːl/

I mean, I grappled with it.

/miːn/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

I was up nights.

/wɒz/ /ʌp/

And not for the good reason.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈriːzən/

Well, sometimes for the good reason.

/wɛl/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /fɔːr/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈriːzən/

I mean, Stella and I

/miːn/ /ænd/

hadn't seen each other in five years,

/iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /faɪv/

so, as you can imagine, the beginning,

/juː/ /kæn/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/

it was just fast and furious.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /fæst/ /ænd/

Lamps breaking, furniture moving.

/ˈfɜːrnɪtʃər/

You see this bald patch?

/juː/ /siː/

Yeah, Tony...

Anyway, we moved on.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /wiː/ /ɒn/

Me, Lucy, Stella-- we were gonna move to L.A.

/miː/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /muːv/

I was gonna become a screenwriter.

/wɒz/ /bɪˈkʌm/

Then we bumped into you,

/ðɛn/ /wiː/ /juː/

and you just looked so... sad.

/ænd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /sæd/

Sad? No.

/sæd/ /noʊ/

I-I think what you're calling sad was actually

/θɪŋk/ /wɒt/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /sæd/ /wɒz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/

a jovial nonchalance.

Ted, you looked awful, okay?

/juː/

Like a little dachshund puppy with a bad back

/laɪk/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /wɪð/ /bæd/ /bæk/

that's got to pull itself around on a cart.

/pʊl/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ɒn/

Why are you here?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Look, Ted,

/lʊk/

I know I can come across pretty tough,

/noʊ/ /kæn/ /kʌm/ /əˈkrɒs/ /ˈprɪti/

but I can't bear to have hurt someone the way I hurt you.

/bʌt/ /bɛr/ /hæv/ /hɜːrt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /weɪ/ /hɜːrt/ /juː/

I think fate put me

/θɪŋk/ /pʊt/ /miː/

on that corner to make this right.

/ɒn/ /ðæt/ /ˈkɔːrnər/ /meɪk/ /raɪt/

Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater

/ˈɒbviəsli/ /fɪl/ /ðæt/

that Stella left in your heart.

/ðæt/ /lɛft/ /jʊr/ /hɑːrt/

I've been dating.

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

Like, a lot.

/laɪk/ /lɒt/

And then I heard you got fired.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /hɜːrd/ /juː/ /faɪərd/

I transitioned into small business ownership.

/smɔːl/ /ˈbɪznɪs/

(clears throat)

It's the backbone of the economy.

/ɪˈkɒnəmi/

No, it's not.

/noʊ/

Ted, Ted,

my family's got a lot of money.

/maɪ/ /lɒt/ /ˈmʌn.i/

And I want to use that money

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /juːz/ /ðæt/ /ˈmʌn.i/

to make this right with you.

/meɪk/ /raɪt/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Tony is rich?

/ɪz/ /rɪtʃ/

Oh, Ted.

Oh, Ted, tell me he wrote you a check.

/tɛl/ /miː/ /hiː/ /roʊt/ /juː/ /tʃɛk/

Tell me he wrote you

/tɛl/ /miː/ /hiː/ /roʊt/ /juː/

a big, fat check.

/bɪɡ/ /fæt/ /tʃɛk/

A check so big

/tʃɛk/ /bɪɡ/

it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming.

/ɪt/ /teɪk/ /ɪts/ /ʃɜːrt/ /ɒf/ /wɛn/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊz/ /ˈswɪmɪŋ/

(laughs) Ha, that is a big, fat check.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /fæt/ /tʃɛk/

A check so big, if you had sex with it,

/tʃɛk/ /bɪɡ/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

you wouldn't tell your buddies.

/juː/ /tɛl/ /jʊr/

That is a big, fat check.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /fæt/ /tʃɛk/

A check so big that when you sit next to it on an airplane,

/tʃɛk/ /bɪɡ/ /ðæt/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /sɪt/ /nɛkst/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/

you find yourself wondering

/juː/ /faɪnd/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

whether the check should have bought two seats.

/ˈwɛðər/ /tʃɛk/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /bɔːt/ /tuː/

That...

/ðæt/

Is a big, fat check!

/ɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /fæt/ /tʃɛk/

Yeah! He didn't write me a check.

/hiː/ /raɪt/ /miː/ /tʃɛk/

Ted, I want to offer you a job.

/wɒnt/ /ˈɒfər/ /juː/ /dʒɒb/

A job?

/dʒɒb/

Every year, my family gives

/ˈɛv.ri/ /jɪr/ /maɪ/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ɡɪvz/

a lot of money to Columbia University,

/lɒt/ /ˈmʌn.i/ /ˌjuːnɪˈvɜːrsɪti/

so I got some pull.

/sʌm/ /pʊl/

How would you like

/haʊ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /laɪk/

to design...

/dɪˈzaɪn/

NARRATOR: My heart leapt into my throat.

/maɪ/ /hɑːrt/ /maɪ/

A new library?

/njuː/ /ˈlaɪbrɛri/

A new student center?

/njuː/ /ˈstuː.dənt/

...your very own curriculum

/jʊr/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /oʊn/

as a professor of architecture.

/prəˈfɛsər/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

(chuckles)

Huh?

No, thanks.

/noʊ/

What do you mean, "No, thanks"?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /noʊ/

Ted, you would be

/juː/ /wʊd/ /biː/

a great professor, okay?

/ɡreɪt/ /prəˈfɛsər/

You are knowledgeable, you're a good talker,

/juː/ /ɡʊd/

and when you need to,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /niːd/

you can grow a very handsome neck beard.

/juː/ /kæn/ /ɡroʊ/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /nɛk/

(both laugh)

/boʊθ/ /læf/

I'm not gonna be a professor.

/biː/ /prəˈfɛsər/

Teaching architecture is what you do when your career

/ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /duː/ /wɛn/ /jʊr/ /kəˈrɪr/

has totally bottomed out and you need to pay the bills.

/hæz/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /juː/ /niːd/ /peɪ/

(all murmuring)

/ɔːl/

Hey, hey, hey!

Small business owner.

/smɔːl/ /ˈbɪznɪs/

Backbone of the economy.

/ɪˈkɒnəmi/

I'm not gonna take that job, all right?

/teɪk/ /ðæt/ /dʒɒb/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

I'm gonna be just fine.

/biː/ /dʒʌst/ /faɪn/

New topic.

/njuː/ /ˈtɒp.ɪk/

Okay, new topic.

/njuː/ /ˈtɒp.ɪk/

I just got a $200 speeding ticket today.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈtɪkɪt/ /təˈdeɪ/

Oh, that sucks, dude.

/ðæt/

You couldn't talk your way out of it?

/juː/ /tɔːk/ /jʊr/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/

You can't talk your way out of a ticket.

/juː/ /tɔːk/ /jʊr/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /ˈtɪkɪt/

I've done it.

/dʌn/ /ɪt/

It was-- what was it?--

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/

it was 1998.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

So where's the fire?

/faɪər/

There's no fire.

/noʊ/ /faɪər/

Actually, uh, you know, there is a fire

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /faɪər/

at this barbecue I'm headed to.

/ˈhɛdɪd/

Nothing special.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈspɛʃəl/

Burgers, ribs.... brats.

Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be...

/sʌn/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /haʊ/ /ˈdeɪndʒərəs/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /biː/

Did you say brats?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /seɪ/

Yeah, brats.

My mom marinates them

/maɪ/ /mɒm/ /ðɛm/

in Belgian beer for two days. No big.

/bɪər/ /fɔːr/ /tuː/ /noʊ/ /bɪɡ/

Funny thing was, I could've

/ˈfʌn.i/ /θɪŋ/ /wɒz/

sworn that one of those thick, succulent,

/ðæt/ /ðoʊz/ /θɪk/

hickory-smoked brats had some writing on it.

/hæd/ /sʌm/ /ˈraɪtɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Weird. Anyways, what were you saying?

/wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /juː/

What-what did it say?

/dɪd/ /ɪt/ /seɪ/

The brat?

It said "Property of Minnesota State Trooper Jorgensen."

/ɪt/ /sɛd/

You a... you a brat man, Officer Jorgensen?

/juː/ /juː/ /mæn/

You going to this address? Mm-hmm.

/juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Follow me and lean on the horn.

/ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /miː/ /ænd/ /ɒn/ /hɔːrn/

We're gonna be running some reds.

/biː/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /sʌm/

Well, duh.

/wɛl/

I would've done that, too,

/dʌn/ /ðæt/

if I'd have been going to a barbecue.

/ɪf/ /hæv/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Damn, I was.

/wɒz/

See, it's all about sizing up your opponent.

/siː/ /ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/

I could tell that the officer was a brat man

/kʊd/ /tɛl/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /mæn/

because, well, he was out of breath just from

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɛl/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /aʊt/ /brɛθ/ /dʒʌst/

walking to my car and he had mustard on his holster.

/maɪ/ /kɑːr/ /ænd/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /ɒn/ /hɪz/

Marshall Eriksen! Marshall Eriksen!

Manipulating an officer of the law with your sausage.

/lɔː/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/

MARSHALL: Mm-hmm. That is very hot.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /hɒt/

You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket?!

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /tɔːk/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /ˈtɪkɪt/

You think I can't

/juː/ /θɪŋk/

talk my way out of a ticket?

/tɔːk/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /ˈtɪkɪt/

I am Barney Stinson,

master of manipulation.

/ˈmæstər/

If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance,

/ɪf/ /kæn/ /tɔːk/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /læp/ /dæns/

I think I can talk my way out of a ticket.

/θɪŋk/ /kæn/ /tɔːk/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /ˈtɪkɪt/

Challenge accep-- Wait for it.

/ˈtʃælɪndʒ/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

(chuckles)

I don't get it.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Oh, "Ted."

"Accep-Ted." "accep-Ted."

I get it now.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /naʊ/

(knocking on door)

/ɒn/ /dɔːr/

What now?

/wɒt/ /naʊ/

You want to be an architect? Great.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/ /ɡreɪt/

Guy I went to private school with wants a new house built.

/ɡaɪ/ /wɛnt/ /ˈpraɪvɪt/ /skuːl/ /wɪð/ /njuː/ /haʊs/ /bɪlt/

Job's yours if you want it.

/jɔːrz/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɪt/

Tony, look, I don't need your help.

/lʊk/ /niːd/ /jʊr/ /hɛlp/

Here's what he's offering you.

/wɒt/ /juː/

That is a big, fat check.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /fæt/ /tʃɛk/

Showtime.

License and registration.

/ænd/ /ˌrɛdʒɪˈstreɪʃən/

Oh, of course, Officer.

/kɔːrs/

Right away.

/raɪt/ /əˈweɪ/

Sir, this is a gift certificate

/sɜːr/ /ɪz/ /ɡɪft/

for a custom-tailored Italian suit.

/fɔːr/ /suːt/

So, we done here?

/wiː/ /dʌn/ /hɪr/

$375!

Ooh! (chuckles): Oh.

And he kept the gift certificates.

/ænd/ /hiː/ /ɡɪft/

Oh, man.

/mæn/

I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him

/kɔːl/ /ænd/ /tɛl/ /hɪm/

to short-sheet him on the crotch.

/hɪm/ /ɒn/

You are bad at this, dude.

/juː/ /bæd/

Oh, whatever, Robin.

Like you've ever talked your way out of a ticket.

/laɪk/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /jʊr/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /ˈtɪkɪt/

Are you kidding me?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

Robin's a pretty girl.

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡɜːrl/

Pretty girls don't get tickets.

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈtɪkɪts/

I bet Robin's been pulled over tons of times,

/bɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /taɪmz/

never once gotten a ticket.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /wʌns/ /ˈtɪkɪt/

That is outrageous!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

And factual.

/ænd/

License and regis...

/ænd/

(sobbing)

Oh, honey.

/ˈhʌni/

Oh, no, no, no, don't cry.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /kraɪ/

It's okay. No ticket for you.

/noʊ/ /ˈtɪkɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Oh.

Just, uh, go a little slower next time, okay?

/dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /nɛkst/ /taɪm/

Yeah. Okay.

Thank you.

/juː/

Yeah! Yeah!

Excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

I think I left something in New Jersey.

/θɪŋk/ /lɛft/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /njuː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/

Hey! Hey!

How did your lunch go with the rich guy?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /jʊr/ /lʌntʃ/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /rɪtʃ/ /ɡaɪ/

Well, uh, it started off great.

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/ /ɡreɪt/

TED: I want to design a house that

/wɒnt/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /haʊs/ /ðæt/

celebrates the landscape without overpowering it.

/ˈlændskeɪp/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /ɪt/

Mm.

You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛn/

designed Fallingwater in 1935, there's...

Yes, yes, that's all fine.

/ɔːl/ /faɪn/

I'm sure you'll do a great job.

/ʃʊr/ /duː/ /ɡreɪt/ /dʒɒb/

What I'm really worried about is the basement.

/wɒt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈwʌrid/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪz/ /ˈbeɪsmənt/

Specifically the laundry room.

/ˈlɔːndri/ /ruːm/

The laundry room?

/ˈlɔːndri/ /ruːm/

I require a laundry room of 15 feet by 15 feet,

/rɪˈkwaɪər/ /ˈlɔːndri/ /ruːm/ /fiːt/ /fiːt/

stain-proof ceramic tile from floor to ceiling.

/flɔːr/ /ˈsiːlɪŋ/

I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry,

/mæn/ /huː/ /duː/ /hɪz/ /oʊn/ /ˈlɔːndri/

and sometimes, it gets messy.

/ænd/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛts/

Messy? Messy.

Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling

/wɪl/ /ˈsiːlɪŋ/

at a height of nine feet. cao 9 feet

/fiːt/ /fiːt/

And that is where my laundry bags

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /wɛr/ /maɪ/ /ˈlɔːndri/

will hang for three days and three nights

/wɪl/ /fɔːr/ /θriː/ /ænd/ /θriː/

before I... clean them.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /kliːn/ /ðɛm/

Uh, Ted, it-it kind of sounds like

/kaɪnd/ /laɪk/

what this guy is asking you to design...

/wɒt/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɪz/ /juː/ /dɪˈzaɪn/

It's a murder house. It is.

/ˈmɜːdər/ /haʊs/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

It's totally a murder house.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈmɜːdər/ /haʊs/

You know, as a martial artist,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɑːrtɪst/

I'm trained to trust my instincts,

/trʌst/ /maɪ/

and my instincts are saying this... feels very good.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /fiːlz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ɡʊd/

The steak is so rare.

/ɪz/ /rɛr/

(shudders)

Right? Right?!

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

One final concern: soundproofing.

/ˈfaɪnəl/

I tend to make a lot of racket when I launder.

/meɪk/ /lɒt/ /wɛn/

I'll show you what I mean.

/ʃoʊ/ /juː/ /wɒt/ /miːn/

I'm gonna go to my laundry room,

/ɡoʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈlɔːndri/ /ruːm/

and you tell me if you can hear me.

/ænd/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /kæn/ /hɪr/ /miː/

Tony... Tony...

does something feel off about this guy?

/dʌz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fiːl/ /ɒf/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡaɪ/

Yeah. Off the hook!

/ɒf/

Bro, you are nailing this.

/broʊ/ /juː/

(chain saw revving)

/sɔː/

(maniacal laughter)

Ted, you can't design a murder house!

/juː/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /ˈmɜːdər/ /haʊs/

I'm not gonna design a murder house.

/dɪˈzaɪn/ /ˈmɜːdər/ /haʊs/

Ted, you can't design a murder house!

/juː/ /dɪˈzaɪn/ /ˈmɜːdər/ /haʊs/

I'm not gonna design a murder house!

/dɪˈzaɪn/ /ˈmɜːdər/ /haʊs/

(engine accelerating)

(siren blips)

Bring it.

/brɪŋ/ /ɪt/

Officer, please, my wife is about to have a baby!

/pliːz/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Her water just broke!

/hɜːr/ /ˈwɔː.tər/ /dʒʌst/

Where's your wife?

/jʊr/ /waɪf/

She took the other car.

/ʃiː/ /tʊk/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /kɑːr/

This is Italian leather, so...

/ɪz/

I... Oh, come...

/kʌm/

I'm sorry about that murder house thing.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/ /ˈmɜːdər/ /haʊs/ /θɪŋ/

That was my bad.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /maɪ/ /bæd/

That's on me.

/ɒn/ /miː/

So, new plan.

/njuː/ /plæn/

You, my friend, are gonna build

/juː/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /bɪld/

the Statue of Liberty a husband.

/ˈhʌzbənd/

Now, I got some suction down at City Hall.

/naʊ/ /sʌm/ /daʊn/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /hɔːl/

Tony, stop it!

/stɒp/ /ɪt/

I don't want your help, okay?

/wɒnt/ /jʊr/ /hɛlp/

You don't have to do this.

/juː/ /hæv/ /duː/

Yes, I do. Why?

/duː/ /waɪ/

Because...

/bɪˈkɔːz/

when you were with Stella, I know how much I missed her.

/wɛn/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /wɪð/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /mɪst/ /hɜːr/

I can only imagine you feel the same way.

/kæn/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /seɪm/ /weɪ/

(laughs) Okay, well,

/wɛl/

let me put your mind a

/lɛt/ /miː/ /pʊt/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/

I don't want Stella back, okay?

/wɒnt/ /bæk/

She lied to me and left me at the altar.

/ʃiː/ /laɪd/ /miː/ /ænd/ /lɛft/ /miː/

What kind of person does that?

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /dʌz/ /ðæt/

I'm better off without her.

/ˈbɛt.ər/ /ɒf/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /hɜːr/

She's all yours, buddy.

/ɔːl/ /jɔːrz/ /ˈbʌdi/

There you go.

/ðɛr/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

Load off my mind.

/ɒf/ /maɪ/ /maɪnd/

And that was it. Tony left,

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/ /lɛft/

and I began to put this whole business far behind me.

/ænd/ /pʊt/ /hoʊl/ /ˈbɪznɪs/ /fɑːr/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /miː/

Or so I thought.

/θɔːt/

(knocking on door)

/ɒn/ /dɔːr/

Stella... Stella...

Tony broke up with me.

/ʌp/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Wow. Okay, Tony broke up with you?

/ʌp/ /wɪð/ /juː/

He said it was because of something you said.

/hiː/ /sɛd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /sɛd/

You got Tony to dump Stella?

/juː/ /dʌmp/

I am very sorry, but I'm going to have to insist

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hæv/

that you bump this.

/ðæt/ /juː/

Let's, um, let's talk out in the hall.

/tɔːk/ /aʊt/ /hɔːl/

It'll be waiting.

/biː/

So, why are you here?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Look, Ted, this is about seven months too late,

/lʊk/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈsɛvən/ /leɪt/

but here goes.

/bʌt/ /hɪr/ /ɡoʊz/

I've been in love with Tony since high school.

/lʌv/ /wɪð/ /sɪns/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/

We dated for a long time,

/wiː/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/

but then I got pregnant, and I guess for two 19-year-olds

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /ænd/ /ɡɛs/ /fɔːr/ /tuː/

it was just too much to handle, so we broke up.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈhændl/ /wiː/ /ʌp/

And for a long time I just focused on being a mother.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/ /dʒʌst/ /ɒn/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

I forgot about Tony. I forgot about...

/fərˈɡɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

the very idea of being in love.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /lʌv/

And then you came along and reminded me.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /juː/ /əˈlɒŋ/ /ænd/ /miː/

And... I loved you for that.

/ænd/ /lʌvd/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

I loved you so much, in fact,

/lʌvd/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/ /fækt/

that it was just shy of enough.

/ðæt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ʃaɪ/ /ɪˈnʌf/

But I never stopped loving Tony.

/bʌt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈlʌvɪŋ/

Take him back, honey. He's sorry.

/teɪk/ /hɪm/ /bæk/ /ˈhʌni/ /ˈsɒr.i/

No, that's-that's not... that's not what's happening.

/noʊ/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/

Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /ˈmɪsɪz/

(door closes)

/dɔːr/

It was good seeing you, Stella.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/ /juː/

Can you talk to Tony?

/kæn/ /juː/ /tɔːk/

What?

/wɒt/

He'd listen to you.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /juː/

You changed his mind. You could change it back.

/juː/ /tʃeɪndʒd/ /hɪz/ /maɪnd/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /ɪt/ /bæk/

I know it's an awful thing to ask...

/noʊ/ /θɪŋ/ /æsk/

Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask.

/θɪŋ/ /æsk/

Well, I don't know what else to do, okay?

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɛls/ /duː/

I love him.

/lʌv/ /hɪm/

Oh, you love him.

/juː/ /lʌv/ /hɪm/

So what, you're-you're appealing to the romantic in me?

/wɒt/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/ /miː/

Is that your strategy?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /ˈstræt̬ɪdʒi/

Because that guy's gone.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðæt/ /ɡɔːn/

You can't pull those strings anymore.

/juː/ /pʊl/ /ðoʊz/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

They're not attached to anything thanks to you.

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /juː/

Go ahead honey kiss him!

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈhʌni/ /kɪs/ /hɪm/

Go inside, Mrs. Matsen! Mrs. Matsen, go inside!

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈmɪsɪz/ /ˈmɪsɪz/ /ɡoʊ/

Okay, you can do this. You can do this!

/juː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /juː/ /kæn/ /duː/

Oh, you can do this.

/juː/ /kæn/ /duː/

License and regis... License and registration.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /ˌrɛdʒɪˈstreɪʃən/

Excuse me?

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

I can only assume you need a license

/kæn/ /ˈoʊnli/ /juː/ /niːd/

to have a face that beautiful.

/hæv/ /feɪs/ /ðæt/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

And that body?

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈbɒdi/

I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /hæz/ /biː/

with the proper authorities.

/wɪð/

Get out of the car.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /kɑːr/

Why, am I under arrest?

/waɪ/ /ˈʌndər/ /əˈrɛst/

No...

/noʊ/

but you're about to be under me.

/bʌt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /biː/ /ˈʌndər/ /miː/

No. False. Did not happen.

/noʊ/ /fɔːls/ /dɪd/ /ˈhæpən/

That's a line from a porno.

/laɪn/

I've seen that porno.

/ðæt/

Hell, I've made that porno.

/ðæt/

When will you guys realize that the only difference

/wɛn/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈoʊnli/

between my real life and a porno

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /maɪ/ /riːl/ /laɪf/ /ænd/

is my real life has better lighting?

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /riːl/ /laɪf/ /hæz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

You're lying.

/ˈlaɪɪŋ/

I am not lying!

/ˈlaɪɪŋ/

I swear on my mother.

/swɛər/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

I swear on Goliath National Bank.

/swɛər/ /ɒn/ /ˈnæʃənl/ /bæŋk/

I swear on my suits.

/swɛər/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/

I...

am...

not...

lying.

/ˈlaɪɪŋ/

He was lying. Here's what really happened.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /wɒt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈhæpənd/

Go ahead, honey, kiss him.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈhʌni/ /kɪs/ /hɪm/

Go inside, Mrs. Matsen! Mrs. Matsen, go inside!

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈmɪsɪz/ /ˈmɪsɪz/ /ɡoʊ/

Is there anything I can do to make this better?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /kæn/ /duː/ /meɪk/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

No.

/noʊ/

* Let's go to the mall, everybody! *

/ɡoʊ/ /mɔːl/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/

Hello.

Ted, it's me! It's Barney It's me! I need your help!

/miː/ /miː/ /niːd/ /jʊr/ /hɛlp/

I'm in big trouble!

/bɪɡ/ /ˈtrʌbəl/

Whoa-whoa-whoa, slow down. What happened?

/sloʊ/ /daʊn/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

I'm guessing something

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

that explosive has to be registered

/ðæt/ /hæz/ /biː/

with the proper authorities.

/wɪð/

Get out of the car.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /kɑːr/

Why, am I under arrest?

/waɪ/ /ˈʌndər/ /əˈrɛst/

Yes, you are.

/juː/

I ran your plates.

/ræn/ /jʊr/

You've had 15 moving violations

/hæd/

in the last three days.

/læst/ /θriː/

Get out of the car.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /kɑːr/

But no, my wife's having a baby!

/bʌt/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I have a sausage with your name on it!

/hæv/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /neɪm/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Out of the car now!

/aʊt/ /kɑːr/ /naʊ/

(screaming)

/ˈskriːmɪŋ/

I need you to come to Brazzaville, New Jersey

/niːd/ /juː/ /kʌm/ /njuː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/

and bail me out.

/ænd/ /miː/ /aʊt/

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

/kaɪnd/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Hurry, Ted.

/ˈhʌri/

You have no idea of the kind of the hardened criminals

/juː/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /kaɪnd/

they've got me in here with.

/miː/ /hɪr/ /wɪð/

Are we gonna get our spray paint back?

/wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊər/ /peɪnt/ /bæk/

Save me, Ted!

/seɪv/ /miː/

You want to do something for me?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

I need a ride to New Jersey.

/niːd/ /raɪd/ /njuː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/

Okay.

You'll pay for tolls, right?

/peɪ/ /fɔːr/ /raɪt/

I'm kidding.

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/

So Stella and I drove all the way out to New Jersey,

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /njuː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/

bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail

/jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /aʊt/

and drove all the way home.

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /hoʊm/

Oh, by the way, Ted, how's that girl you've been seeing?

/weɪ/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/

That super hot French chick with the big enormous boobs?

/ðæt/ /ˈsuːpər/ /hɒt/ /tʃɪk/ /wɪð/ /bɪɡ/

Oh, you mean Claudette?

/juː/ /miːn/

She's, uh, she's fine.

/faɪn/

Man, she's the hottest girl you have ever been with, Ted.

/mæn/ /ɡɜːrl/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /wɪð/

Ever! Bye, Stella.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /baɪ/

Bye.

/baɪ/

Ted... I'm so sorry again about everything.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /əˈɡɛn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

For what it's worth...

/fɔːr/ /wɒt/ /wɜːrθ/

I'll talk to Tony.

/tɔːk/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

I want you to be happy, Stella.

/wɒnt/ /juː/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/

I'll talk to him.

/tɔːk/ /hɪm/

And I did.

/ænd/ /dɪd/

I don't remember what I said to him,

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɒt/ /sɛd/ /hɪm/

but I guess I changed his mind

/bʌt/ /ɡɛs/ /tʃeɪndʒd/ /hɪz/ /maɪnd/

because the next day, they flew to California.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /nɛkst/ /deɪ/ /ðeɪ/

Stella set up a new dermatology practice.

/sɛt/ /ʌp/ /njuː/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/

And against all odds,

/ænd/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /ɔːl/

Tony found some success as a screenwriter.

/sʌm/

His movie, The Wedding Bride, was a big hit.

/hɪz/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /braɪd/ /wɒz/ /bɪɡ/

But we'll get to that later.

/bʌt/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ˈleɪtər/

Okay, but just tell me this.

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /miː/

Why Tony?

/waɪ/

I mean, is it the money, the kung fu pajamas?

/miːn/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈmʌn.i/

Like, what... what is it?

/laɪk/ /wɒt/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

He's the one.

The one.

Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy, but, yeah.

/noʊ/ /bʌt/

Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud that I've been doing

/seɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /laʊd/ /ðæt/

a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately.

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/ /dʒɒb/ /aʊt/ /laʊd/

What you and Tony have--

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ænd/ /hæv/

what I thought for a second you and I had...

/wɒt/ /θɔːt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /juː/ /ænd/ /hæd/

...what I know that Marshall and Lily have...

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ænd/ /hæv/

I want that.

/wɒnt/ /ðæt/

I do.

/duː/

I keep waiting for it to happen and waiting for it to happen,

/kiːp/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /ˈhæpən/ /ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/ /ˈhæpən/

and...

/ænd/

I guess I'm just, um...

/ɡɛs/ /dʒʌst/

I'm tired of waiting.

/ˈtaɪ.ərd/

And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /seɪ/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /ˈsʌbdʒɪkt/

You know, I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wʌns/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /ˈtɪkɪt/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

I was heading upstate to my parents' house

/wɒz/ /maɪ/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /haʊs/

doing, like, 90 on this country road,

/laɪk/ /ɒn/ /ˈkʌn.tri/ /roʊd/

and I got pulled over.