Season 4 · Tập 6

Kids, the day you get married is supposed

/kɪdz/ /deɪ/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/ /ɪz/ /səˈpoʊzd/

To be the happiest day of your life,

/biː/ /deɪ/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

The perfect ending to a perfect love story.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /lʌv/ /ˈstɔːri/

My wedding-- at least my first wedding--

/maɪ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /liːst/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Didn't go so well.

/ɡoʊ/ /wɛl/

It's funny looking back on it now.

/ˈfʌn.i/ /bæk/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/ /naʊ/

I was so sure stella was the one.

/wɒz/ /ʃʊr/ /wɒz/

And when she left me, I was so devastated.

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /lɛft/ /miː/ /wɒz/

But you guys got me through it.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /miː/ /θruː/ /ɪt/

And now the painful part's over.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈpeɪnfəl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

I've come out the other side a little bit stronger.

/kʌm/ /aʊt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /saɪd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

You know, i... I hardly even think about her anymore.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈiːvən/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

That's what time does, I guess.

/wɒt/ /taɪm/ /dʌz/ /ɡɛs/

Ted, the wedding was yesterday.

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /wɒz/ /ˈjɛs.tər.deɪ/

It's been 24 hours.

/ˈaʊərz/

I know.

/noʊ/

And this is me, moving on.

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /miː/ /ɒn/

A great new chapter

/ɡreɪt/ /njuː/

Of my life began today,

/maɪ/ /laɪf/ /təˈdeɪ/

And we're gonna celebrate.

/ænd/ /ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/

Right now, we need two things.

/raɪt/ /naʊ/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /tuː/ /θɪŋz/

We need kool, and we need the gang.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /ɡæŋ/

It's jukebox time, huh?

/taɪm/

I look at that young man

/lʊk/ /ðæt/ /jʌŋ/ /mæn/

Popping and locking his way over to the jukebox,

/ænd/ /hɪz/ /weɪ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

And I think to myself,

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

You know...

/juː/ /noʊ/

Maybe stella made the right call.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /raɪt/ /kɔːl/

Ow, pain.

/peɪn/

How is he dancing right now?

/haʊ/ /ɪz/ /hiː/ /ˈdænsɪŋ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

He should... he should be smashing up

/hiː/ /ʃʊd/ /hiː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /ʌp/

Stella's car with a sledgehammer.

/kɑːr/ /wɪð/

Hypothetical.

Ted isn't pretending to be happy.

/biː/ /ˈhæp.i/

Ted really is happy.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪz/ /ˈhæp.i/

He never wanted to get married

/hiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

In the first place.

/fɜːrst/ /pleɪs/

Ted just pulled off Ted just pulled off

/dʒʌst/ /ɒf/ /dʒʌst/ /ɒf/

The greatest train dodge since stand by me.

/treɪn/ /sɪns/ /stænd/ /miː/

Well, not the first kid, but the other kids.

/wɛl/ /fɜːrst/ /kɪd/ /bʌt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /kɪdz/

No, he is in bad shape.

/noʊ/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /bæd/ /ʃeɪp/

What's up?

/ʌp/

Really bad shape.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bæd/ /ʃeɪp/

And we need to be there for him.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /biː/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /hɪm/

But as much as my friend really want to be there for me,

/bʌt/ /mʌtʃ/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

I was...by all the appearances...

/wɒz/ /ɔːl/

Fine.

/faɪn/

Hey,buddy

/ˈbʌdi/

Want to hang out?

/wɒnt/ /aʊt/

Guys, I'm fine.

/ɡaɪz/ /faɪn/

Hey, pal, you want to have a catch?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /hæv/

I'm fine.

/faɪn/

Hey, kiddo.

Barney, I'm fine.

/faɪn/

This is not necessary,

/ɪz/ /ˈnɛsəsɛri/

And it's actually kind of weird.

/ænd/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /kaɪnd/

No offense, ladies.

/noʊ/

I did not realize you'd be home.

/dɪd/ /biː/ /hoʊm/

Ladies, to the stairwell.

Finally, after two weeks,

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /ˈæf.tər/ /tuː/

The inevitable emotions boiled over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

Hey, you guys want to get some dinner?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Oh, shut up.

/ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

I'm sorry, sweetie.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈswiːti/

It's just, ted,

/dʒʌst/

You've been through something traumatic,

/θruː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

And we're trying to be there for you

/ænd/ /biː/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

As friends, but you're not letting us,

/frɛndz/ /bʌt/ /ʌs/

And it's pissing us off, you selfish bitch.

/ænd/ /ʌs/ /ɒf/ /juː/ /ˈsɛlfɪʃ/

Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Look, we're just worried

/lʊk/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈwʌrid/

That you're not dealing with this whole stella thing.

/ðæt/ /wɪð/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

Do you remember when lily left me?

/duː/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɛn/ /lɛft/ /miː/

You remember how I held in my feelings?

/juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /haʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/

I... Miss... Her so much.

/mɪs/ /hɜːr/ /mʌtʃ/

Yeah, dude, you were a rock.

/juː/ /wɜːr/

Well, I should have been even worse, okay?

/wɛl/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /ˈiːvən/ /wɜːrs/

I should have gotten mad.

/ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /mæd/

I should have taken your advice

/ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /jʊr/ /ədˈvaɪs/

And set all of lily's stuff on fire.

/ænd/ /sɛt/ /ɔːl/ /stʌf/ /ɒn/ /faɪər/

Oh, nice-- thanks, ted.

/naɪs/

But I didn't, and I think that that's why

/bʌt/ /ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /waɪ/

It took me so long to get better.

/ɪt/ /tʊk/ /miː/ /lɔːŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

So, now, ted...

/naʊ/

I want you to explode.

/wɒnt/ /juː/

Release the berserker.

Okay, ready?

/ˈrɛd.i/

Now!

/naʊ/

I'm good.

/ɡʊd/

No.

/noʊ/

Guys, get off his back.

/ɡaɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒf/ /hɪz/ /bæk/

He's happy.

/ˈhæp.i/

Listen, if ted were married right now,

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /ɪf/ /wɜːr/ /ˈmærid/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

He'd be married,

/biː/ /ˈmærid/

He'd be living in new jersey,

/biː/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /njuː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/

And he'd be married.

/ænd/ /biː/ /ˈmærid/

He's fine. Now, let's eat.

/faɪn/ /naʊ/ /iːt/

How about flat michael's?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

No, that's 44th and lex. Can't do it.

/noʊ/ /ænd/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Why not? It's too close to stella's gym.

/waɪ/ /kloʊs/ /dʒɪm/

Might run into her. Anywhere else, though.

/maɪt/ /rʌn/ /hɜːr/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/ /ɛls/ /ðoʊ/

Okay, um, how about hurley's?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Right between stella's office and her dry cleaners.

/raɪt/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /ænd/ /hɜːr/ /draɪ/

No, sir.

/noʊ/ /sɜːr/

Well, what about meatloaf charlie's?

/wɛl/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

Two blocks from stella's mother's hairdressers.

/tuː/

Well, geez, ted, is there anywhere

/wɛl/ /ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

In manhattan we can go to dinner?

/wiː/ /kæn/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Of course.

/kɔːrs/

Check this out.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/

What you got there, ted?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ðɛr/

A little reference map I made for myself.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /mæp/ /fɔːr/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

A new york guide to places you might run into stella zinman.

/njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ɡaɪd/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /rʌn/

Red areas

/rɛd/

Are places to avoid.

/əˈvɔɪd/

White areas are safe.

/seɪf/

Blue is water.

/bluː/ /ɪz/ /ˈwɔː.tər/

That is just ridiculous.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/

Well, water is blue.

/wɛl/ /ˈwɔː.tər/ /ɪz/ /bluː/

You can't live that way.

/juː/ /lɪv/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

She leaves you at the altar,

/ʃiː/ /juː/

And you're the one avoiding her?

/ænd/ /hɜːr/

Yes, I'm avoiding her.

/hɜːr/

What's the big deal?

/bɪɡ/ /diːl/

That's how we do it.

/haʊ/ /wiː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Who's we, gutless weenies?

/wiː/

Uh, no, "we" is people from the great state of ohio.

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ɡreɪt/

When life gives us pain,

/wɛn/ /laɪf/ /ɡɪvz/ /ʌs/ /peɪn/

We buckeyes take that pain and we push it down.

/wiː/ /teɪk/ /ðæt/ /peɪn/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /pʊʃ/ /ɪt/ /daʊn/

And if the pain starts

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /peɪn/

To come up again,

/kʌm/ /ʌp/ /əˈɡɛn/

We push more pain down on top of it.

/wiː/ /pʊʃ/ /mɔːr/ /peɪn/ /daʊn/ /ɒn/ /tɒp/ /ɪt/

Why confront something when you can avoid it, right?

/waɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /kæn/ /əˈvɔɪd/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/

All I have to do

/ɔːl/ /hæv/ /duː/

Is never see stella again,

/ɪz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /siː/ /əˈɡɛn/

And I'll live a long, happy life.

/ænd/ /lɪv/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈhæp.i/ /laɪf/

Now, who wants to get something to eat?

/naʊ/ /huː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /iːt/

Oh, somebody just told me

/ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /dʒʌst/ /toʊld/ /miː/

About a tapas place that's in the white zone.

/əˈbaʊt/ /pleɪs/

Great. Let's go there.

/ɡreɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ðɛr/

You ready to order?

/juː/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /ˈɔːrdər/

Uh, not quite yet.

/kwaɪt/ /jɛt/

Oh, can we get some of those almonds for the table?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /ðoʊz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

Certainly.

Nice call, lily.

/naɪs/ /kɔːl/

This place looks great.

/pleɪs/ /ɡreɪt/

Who told you about it?

/huː/ /toʊld/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

You know, I don't remember.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

What?

/wɒt/

i just remembered...

/dʒʌst/

Oh, my god, oh, my god.

/maɪ/ /maɪ/

Okay, okay, just be cool.

/dʒʌst/ /biː/ /kuːl/

We're just gonna have to deal with this.

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /diːl/ /wɪð/

Everyone... Follow my lead.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /maɪ/ /liːd/

Oh, you're kidding. Is he serious?

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /hiː/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

I am not getting under thisable.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈʌndər/

I'd maybe get under that table.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈʌndər/ /ðæt/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

She's turning around.

/əˈraʊnd/

Think, think, think.

/θɪŋk/ /θɪŋk/ /θɪŋk/

Everyone, just stay here.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /dʒʌst/ /steɪ/ /hɪr/

I'm gonna go take a look.

/ɡoʊ/ /teɪk/ /lʊk/

Marshall, go take a look.

/ɡoʊ/ /teɪk/ /lʊk/

And will you need utensils?

/ænd/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /niːd/

No, I'm just going straight home.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /streɪt/ /hoʊm/

She's placing an order to go.

/ˈɔːrdər/ /ɡoʊ/

Did she seem happy? Did she say anything about me?

/dɪd/ /ʃiː/ /siːm/ /ˈhæp.i/ /dɪd/ /ʃiː/ /seɪ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

I don't even care.

/ˈiːvən/ /kɛr/

Where are those almonds?

/wɛr/ /ðoʊz/

Gosh, where would ted's nuts be?

/ɡɒʃ/ /wɛr/ /wʊd/ /nʌts/ /biː/

Hey, why don't you check the vise in stella's garage.

/waɪ/ /juː/ /tʃɛk/ /ɡəˈrɑːʒ/

Go yell at her.

/ɡoʊ/ /hɜːr/

Ted, you may be from ohio,

/juː/ /meɪ/ /biː/

But you live in new york now.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /lɪv/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /naʊ/

We don't push down our feelings in new york.

/wiː/ /pʊʃ/ /daʊn/ /aʊər/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

We take our feelings and we shove them

/wiː/ /teɪk/ /aʊər/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /ðɛm/

In somebody else's face!

/ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /feɪs/

Oh, spare me, lily.

/miː/

You'd be doing the same thing

/biː/ /seɪm/ /θɪŋ/

If you were in this situation.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˌsɪtʃuˈeɪʃən/

Thats out of rageous.

/aʊt/

There is not a person on earth

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ɒn/ /ɜːrθ/

I would hide under a table from.

/wʊd/ /haɪd/ /ˈʌndər/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

Oh, really, not a single person?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

Not even... Gasser?

/ˈiːvən/

How dare you mention that name to me.

/haʊ/ /juː/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /ðæt/ /neɪm/ /miː/

Who's gasser?

He's the last person

/læst/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

I'd want to see walk through that door.

/wɒnt/ /siː/ /wɔːk/ /θruː/ /ðæt/ /dɔːr/

Michael sasser.

He's a guy I went to high school with.

/ɡaɪ/ /wɛnt/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/ /wɪð/

Michael sat next to me in freshman biology.

/sæt/ /nɛkst/ /miː/ /ˈfrɛʃmən/ /baɪˈɒlədʒi/

He had been a bit of a loser all through middle school,

/hiː/ /hæd/ /ɔːl/ /θruː/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /skuːl/

But the summer before ninth grade,

/bʌt/ /ˈsʌmər/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ɡreɪd/

He grew 12 inches and joined the baseball team.

/hiː/ /ænd/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/ /tiːm/

He was right on the precipice

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/ /ɒn/

Of becoming one of the cool kids.

/kuːl/ /kɪdz/

Until one day...

/ənˈtɪl/ /deɪ/

Oh, lily, we've all been there.

/ɔːl/ /ðɛr/

When you've ripped one, it's not pretty.

/wɛn/ /ˈprɪti/

What did you do?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /duː/

Are you kidding?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

This was ninth grade.

/wɒz/ /ɡreɪd/

I only had one choice.

/ˈoʊnli/ /hæd/ /tʃɔɪs/

Oh, my god, sasser.

/maɪ/

Fart much?

/mʌtʃ/

No, it wasn't me. It was her.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /miː/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /hɜːr/

Oh, as if, sasser.

/ɪf/

More like gasser.

/mɔːr/ /laɪk/

Gasser!

Gasser! Gasser!

No. Gasser! Gasser! Gasser! Gasser!

/noʊ/

I'm on the baseball team.

/ɒn/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/ /tiːm/

I-i'm cool.

/kuːl/

Gasser! Gasser!

The nickname gasser stuck.

/stʌk/

He got teased so much,

/hiː/ /mʌtʃ/

Eventually he had to change schools.

/hiː/ /hæd/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

Kids are awesome.

/kɪdz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

I've always felt awful about that.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /fɛlt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

But if gasser-- michael--

/bʌt/ /ɪf/

Walked in right now, as hard as it would be,

/raɪt/ /naʊ/ /hɑːrd/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/

I would go up to gasser-- michael--

/wʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ʌp/

And I would resolve things between us.

/ænd/ /wʊd/ /θɪŋz/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /ʌs/

Right, clear the air, as it were.

/raɪt/ /klɪər/ /ɛr/ /ɪt/ /wɜːr/

Oh, man.

/mæn/

Those don't come around often.

/ðoʊz/ /kʌm/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈɔː.fən/

Y'all are welcome.

/ˈwɛlkəm/

Hey, are you guys okay? Oh, yeah.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/

We're just gonna be eating down here if that's okay.

/dʒʌst/ /biː/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /daʊn/ /hɪr/ /ɪf/

Well, here's your almonds.

/wɛl/ /jʊr/

Oh, thanks... You guys have any specials today?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /təˈdeɪ/

Ted, this is ludicrous.

/ɪz/

Ted, I am a person who... Well, let's just face it.

/ˈpɜːrsən/ /huː/ /wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /feɪs/ /ɪt/

There are a lot of people I don't want to see--

/ðɛr/ /lɒt/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /wɒnt/ /siː/

People of the "chicks I banged" persuasion--

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /tʃɪks/

But if any of them were to walk in here,

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ðɛm/ /wɜːr/ /wɔːk/ /hɪr/

I would stand up,

/wʊd/ /stænd/ /ʌp/

And I would look them right in the eye.

/ænd/ /wʊd/ /lʊk/ /ðɛm/ /raɪt/ /aɪ/

Some of them for the very first time.

/sʌm/ /ðɛm/ /fɔːr/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/

Really, you wouldn't hide from anyone?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /juː/ /haɪd/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

Not even, say...

/ˈiːvən/ /seɪ/

Becca delucci? Becca Delucci?

You son of a bitch.

/juː/ /sʌn/

Who's becca delucci?

Do you mind?

/duː/ /juː/ /maɪnd/

So, who is becca delucci?

/huː/ /ɪz/

Becca is just this girl who lives upstate.

/ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɜːrl/ /huː/

I used to visit her now and again.

/ˈvɪz.ɪt/ /hɜːr/ /naʊ/ /ænd/ /əˈɡɛn/

Mm-hmm, where exactly upstate, barney?

/wɛr/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

Bedford hills federal penitentiary.

And yes, the visits were of a conjugal nature.

/ænd/ /wɜːr/

No way, really?

/noʊ/ /weɪ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Really.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

And what I had with becca was a perfect relationship.

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /hæd/ /wɪð/ /wɒz/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

She was only allowed, by law, to call me once a week.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /lɔː/ /kɔːl/ /miː/ /wʌns/ /wiːk/

If she ever got clingy,

/ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

The armed guards stopped her.

/hɜːr/

And I never had to pay for dinner.

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hæd/ /peɪ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Well, that's not true. I pay taxes.

/wɛl/ /truː/ /peɪ/

Then again, I guess we all paid for dinner.

/ðɛn/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ɡɛs/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /fɔːr/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Thanks a lot, guys.

/lɒt/ /ɡaɪz/

Anyway, the last time I visited,

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /læst/ /taɪm/

I kind of screwed things up.

/kaɪnd/ /θɪŋz/ /ʌp/

I know it's hard, baby,

/noʊ/ /hɑːrd/ /ˈbeɪbi/

But I'm in a prison, too.

/bʌt/ /ˈprɪzən/

A prison of my own heart.

/ˈprɪzən/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/ /hɑːrt/

Is that room ready yet or what?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ruːm/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /jɛt/ /wɒt/

Can we...? Tick-tock.

/kæn/ /wiː/

Barney, you're the only thing

/ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/

That's keeping me going here.

/miː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hɪr/

That's what I'm here for, baby.

/wɒt/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I'm your rock.

/jʊr/

I'm... Oh, my god.

/maɪ/

Hello, strange.

/streɪndʒ/

Barney stinson, attorney at law.

/lɔː/

Let's talk about getting you off.

/tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /juː/ /ɒf/

Oh, hell, no!

/noʊ/

Now I get letters from becca and she's all,

/naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/

"i'm coming to get you the day I get out of here.

/ɡɛt/ /juː/ /deɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

I'm gonna hang your eyes from my rearview mirror."

/jʊr/ /aɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈmɪrər/

Women, huh?

/ˈwɪmɪn/

See? You're scared of becca.

/siː/ /skɛrd/

Lily's scared of gasser.

/skɛrd/

We're staying under the table.

/ˈʌndər/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

We don't have to. Stella's gone.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ɡɔːn/

Oh, my gosh.

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/

There, all done,

/ðɛr/ /ɔːl/ /dʌn/

And that's how we do it ohio style.

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /wiː/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /staɪl/

Problem showed up. We avoided it. It went away.

/ˈprɒbləm/ /ʌp/ /wiː/ /ɪt/ /ɪt/ /wɛnt/ /əˈweɪ/

Now we can enjoy our meal in peace and...

/naʊ/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /aʊər/ /miːl/ /piːs/ /ænd/

She's back.

/bæk/

Ted, we all think that you need--

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /niːd/

Wait, where's barney?

/weɪt/

Ted, Ted,

We all think that you need to go talk to her.

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /niːd/ /ɡoʊ/ /tɔːk/ /hɜːr/

I don't. What?

/wɒt/

Yeah, if t last person I wanted to see

/ɪf/ /læst/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /siː/

Walked through the door, I wouldn't say a damn word.

/θruː/ /dɔːr/ /seɪ/ /wɜːrd/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

And who's that? My father.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

You guys, that other table is off the hook.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/ /ɪz/ /ɒf/

What are we talking about? Robin's dad.

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /dæd/

I haven't spoken to him in three years

/hɪm/ /θriː/

And I don't intend to start now.

/ænd/ /stɑːrt/ /naʊ/

Why?

/waɪ/

It goes back to the day I was born.

/ɪt/ /ɡoʊz/ /bæk/ /deɪ/ /wɒz/ /bɔːrn/

You give me my son now. Push.

/juː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /maɪ/ /sʌn/ /naʊ/ /pʊʃ/

Oh, no... Oh, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

He wanted a son

/hiː/ /sʌn/

And the fact that I was a girl didn't change his plan.

/ænd/ /fækt/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ɡɜːrl/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /hɪz/ /plæn/

What do you mean?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

My full legal name is robin charles scherbatsky, jr.

/maɪ/ /fʊl/ /ˈliːɡəl/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

And it only gets worse from there.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɡɛts/ /wɜːrs/ /ðɛr/

When I was eight, he took me hunting for the first time.

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /eɪt/ /hiː/ /tʊk/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/

I don't want to shoot a deer.

/wɒnt/ /ʃuːt/

Nonsense, r.J.

Shooting deer

Is the noblest of pursuits.

/ɪz/

But they're cute.

/bʌt/ /kjuːt/

You said the same thing about our rabbits.

/juː/ /sɛd/ /seɪm/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/

Remember how delicious they were?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /haʊ/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/

Over the years, as my body developed...

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɒdi/

Whoa, hold on a sec.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Sorry, go on.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/

It became harder and harder for him to pretend I was a boy.

/ɪt/ /ænd/ /fɔːr/ /hɪm/ /wɒz/ /bɔɪ/

The lowest moment came when I turned 14.

/ˈmoʊmənt/ /wɛn/

My peewee hockey team had just won the squamish invitational

/maɪ/ /ˈhɒki/ /tiːm/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /wʌn/

And everyone came back to my house to celebrate.

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /bæk/ /maɪ/ /haʊs/ /ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/

You lads availed yourself splendidly

/juː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Out there on the ice.

/aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ɒn/ /aɪs/

Splendidly. You go on outside.

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

I'll come back with an assortment

/kʌm/ /bæk/ /wɪð/

Of soft drinks and american pretzels.

/sɒft/ /drɪŋks/ /ænd/

I can't believe

/bɪˈliːv/

You missed that last empty-netter, you hoser.

/juː/ /mɪst/ /ðæt/ /læst/ /juː/

You're the hoser.

No, you're the hoser.

/noʊ/

What are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

You're teammates, hockey players.

/ˈhɒki/

Teammates don't kiss!

/kɪs/

Hockey players don't kiss!

/ˈhɒki/ /kɪs/

Oh, my god.

/maɪ/

I have no son.

/hæv/ /noʊ/ /sʌn/

Oh, you poor thing.

/juː/ /pʊr/ /θɪŋ/

To have to grow up in canada

/hæv/ /ɡroʊ/ /ʌp/ /ˈkænədə/

With america right there.

/wɪð/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/

That...

/ðæt/

Sucks about your dad, robin,

/əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /dæd/

But congratulations on that game.

/bʌt/ /kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /ɡeɪm/

And kyle and I weren't even doing anything serious.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

We only went to the blue line. The blue line?

/wiː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /wɛnt/ /bluː/ /laɪn/ /bluː/ /laɪn/

Yeah, you know how when you're a kid,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /wɛn/ /kɪd/

You put everything into hockey terms?

/juː/ /pʊt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ˈhɒki/

The blue line is kissing; the red line is getting naked;

/bluː/ /laɪn/ /ɪz/ /rɛd/ /laɪn/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

And I think "in the crease" speaks for itself.

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /fɔːr/

Anyway, after that,

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/

My relationship with my dad pretty much went north.

/maɪ/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /ˈprɪti/ /mʌtʃ/ /wɛnt/ /nɔːrθ/

I moved in with my mom,

/wɪð/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/

Grew my hair out, became a canadian pop star.

/maɪ/ /hɛr/ /aʊt/ /pɒp/ /stɑːr/

You know, normal teen stuff.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈnɔːrməl/ /stʌf/

Don't you think it would feel better

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /fiːl/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

To talk to him about all this?

/tɔːk/ /hɪm/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɔːl/

No, that's the point.

/noʊ/ /pɔɪnt/

It wouldn't solve anything.

/ɪt/ /sɒlv/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

It's in the past. It's done.

/pæst/ /dʌn/

I mean, what would I even say to him?

/miːn/ /wɒt/ /wʊd/ /ˈiːvən/ /seɪ/ /hɪm/

"i wish you hadn't raised me as a boy"?

/wɪʃ/ /juː/ /miː/ /bɔɪ/

"i wish you hadn't taught me how to hunt

/wɪʃ/ /juː/ /tɔːt/ /miː/ /haʊ/

"and fish and smoke cigars and drink scotch

/ænd/ /fɪʃ/ /ænd/ /smoʊk/ /ænd/ /drɪŋk/

"because that's not what girls do.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒt/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /duː/

"and you know the reason I throw like a girl, dad,

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈriːzən/ /θroʊ/ /laɪk/ /ɡɜːrl/ /dæd/

Is because I am a girl."

/ɪz/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɡɜːrl/

Wow, you held onto that for a long time, huh?

/juː/ /ðæt/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/

Yeah.

It really messed you up.

/ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /juː/ /ʌp/

Yeah.

That sucks. I'm sorry.

/ðæt/ /ˈsɒr.i/

That's hot.

/hɒt/

And then I realized...

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/

All of my friends were haunted,

/ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /wɜːr/

But there was a difference between my ghost and theirs.

/bʌt/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /maɪ/ /ɡoʊst/ /ænd/

It wasn't too late for me.

/ɪt/ /leɪt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

I'm gonna go talk to her.

/ɡoʊ/ /tɔːk/ /hɜːr/

She's gone.

/ɡɔːn/

I'm going after her.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /hɜːr/

Whoo. Go, go.

/wuː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡoʊ/

There she goes!

/ðɛr/ /ʃiː/ /ɡoʊz/

Okay, I see her.

/siː/ /hɜːr/

She's two cabs ahead on the right.

/tuː/ /ɒn/ /raɪt/

Just stay with her, okay?

/dʒʌst/ /steɪ/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Finally. Finally, you're doing this.

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /ˈfaɪnəli/

You're going to confront her.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

Yes, I am going to confront her. Yeah.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

This is so exciting.

/ɪz/ /ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ/

Totally. What are you going to say?

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /seɪ/

I'm gonna say, "stella, I'm sorry things didn't work out."

/seɪ/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /θɪŋz/ /wɜːrk/ /aʊt/

Ay, caramba. No! Yes.

/noʊ/

We're going to talk about this like adults.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /laɪk/

She can tell me her side and... I'm going to listen.

/ʃiː/ /kæn/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /hɜːr/ /saɪd/ /ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

Probably

/ˈprɒbəbli/

Should have done a little more of that before.

/ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /dʌn/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

Driver, can you run us into the nearest lamppost?

/kæn/ /juː/ /rʌn/ /ʌs/

Everyone, buckle up. Not you, ted.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ʌp/ /juː/

Ted, ted, Ted

You got to get mad right now.

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /mæd/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Come on. Dig deep.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /diːp/

Dude, come on. This isn't about me waving my arms,

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/ /maɪ/ /ɑːrmz/

Stamping my feet, and getting really mad.

/maɪ/ /fiːt/ /ænd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /mæd/

This is about stella and i

/ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ænd/

Finally communicating.

/ˈfaɪnəli/

I mean, clearly, that was...

/miːn/ /ˈklɪərli/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/

Stella hated star wars. She lied to you.

/ˈheɪtɪd/ /stɑːr/ /ʃiː/ /laɪd/ /juː/

Search your feelings, ted. You know it to be true.

/sɜːrtʃ/ /jʊr/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /truː/

Well, that's her business.

/wɛl/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbɪznɪs/

Come on, ted. She left you at the altar.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ʃiː/ /lɛft/ /juː/

I don't understand!

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

Ted, in the name of all that is sacred...

/neɪm/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

Wait, wait, wait! Khoan!

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/

Where is she going?

/wɛr/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Her cab just missed the turn for the lincoln tunnel.

/hɜːr/ /kæb/ /dʒʌst/ /mɪst/ /tɜːrn/ /fɔːr/

Why would anybody

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/

Buy takeout food

/baɪ/ /fuːd/

And bring it all the way back to new jersey anyway?

/ænd/ /brɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /bæk/ /njuː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

Maybe she's going to her office.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /ˈɒfɪs/

No.

/noʊ/

The waiter asked her, "will you need utensils?"

/ˈweɪtər/ /hɜːr/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /niːd/

And then she said, "nah, I'm just going straight home."

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ʃiː/ /sɛd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /streɪt/ /hoʊm/

But if she's going home, why are we still heading...?

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hoʊm/ /waɪ/ /wiː/

Oh, my god.

/maɪ/

Tony lives downtown.

"home" is tony's apartment.

/hoʊm/ /ɪz/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

She was going to make me move to new jersey

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /meɪk/ /miː/ /muːv/ /njuː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/

And then she moves into the city with tony?!

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ʃiː/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /wɪð/

Son of a bitch!

/sʌn/

Finally.

/ˈfaɪnəli/

Finally, buddy.

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /ˈbʌdi/

I am so angry right now!

/ˈæŋɡri/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I know, and I love it!

/noʊ/ /ænd/ /lʌv/ /ɪt/

Yeah, that is awesome!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Sir, we'd be happy to cover

/sɜːr/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/ /ˈkʌvər/

The cost of that window crank.

/kɒst/ /ðæt/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/

I love angry ted!

/lʌv/ /ˈæŋɡri/

So do i!

/duː/

Get it out, baby. Let it out.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /lɛt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

Oh... She's stopping.

Oh, it is on.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/

It is on! Yes, ted.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɒn/

Go get her, buddy!

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbʌdi/

Go get rid of your demons!

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/

My leg is asleep!

/maɪ/ /lɛɡ/ /ɪz/ /əˈsliːp/

Okay, wa-wa-wait.

Wait, hold on. Lily,

/weɪt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

What are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

All right, hold on.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Look, ted,

/lʊk/

It's great that you're angry right now. It sure is.

/ɡreɪt/ /ðæt/ /ˈæŋɡri/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /ɪt/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪz/

Yes. Yeah!

And that you're finally dealing

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈfaɪnəli/

With this, but you only get one shot here.

/wɪð/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɡɛt/ /ʃɒt/ /hɪr/

Let's just take a beat and,

/dʒʌst/ /teɪk/ /biːt/ /ænd/

And think about what you're going to say.

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɒt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /seɪ/

Oh, I know exactly what I'm gonna say.

/noʊ/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /seɪ/

You picked the wrong guy.

/juː/ /rɒŋ/ /ɡaɪ/

Ted. Ted.

You picked the wrong guy.

/juː/ /rɒŋ/ /ɡaɪ/

You made a really, really, really bad choice.

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bæd/ /tʃɔɪs/

What were you thinking?

/wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /juː/

That guy?

/ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

Are you kidding me?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

Have you learned nothing in the last eight years?

/hæv/ /juː/ /lɜːrnd/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /læst/ /eɪt/

You're just gonna regret this.

/dʒʌst/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/

You know that, right?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/

You are going to regret this,

/juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/

And now there is nothing you can do about it

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /juː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Because it's too late.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /leɪt/

All you can do now is go up there

/ɔːl/ /juː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /naʊ/ /ɪz/ /ɡoʊ/ /ʌp/ /ðɛr/

And start your crappy, disappointing life

/ænd/ /stɑːrt/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

That will never be nearly as happy

/ðæt/ /wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /biː/ /ˈnɪərli/ /ˈhæp.i/

As the one you could have had with me.

/juː/ /kʊd/ /hæv/ /hæd/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Good-bye.

Ted, wait. Ted, khoan

/weɪt/

Look, stella, I am not here to win you back.

/lʊk/ /hɪr/ /wɪn/ /juː/ /bæk/

I am here

/hɪr/

Because I need to know that you know

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /niːd/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /noʊ/

You made the biggest mistake of your life.

/juː/ /mɪˈsteɪk/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

I know.

/noʊ/

Good.

/ɡʊd/

That's what I'm gonna say. Oh...

/wɒt/ /seɪ/