Season 4 · Tập 7

I am not impressed with the talent in here tonight.

/wɪð/ /hɪr/ /təˈnaɪt/

And the more I drink, the less attractive they get.

/ænd/ /mɔːr/ /drɪŋk/ /lɛs/ /ðeɪ/ /ɡɛt/

I'm one scotch and soda away

/ænd/ /əˈweɪ/

from the Cantina scene in Star Wars.

/siːn/ /stɑːr/

What about those girls over there?They're hot.

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðoʊz/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/ /hɒt/

They're not hot.

/hɒt/

Are you kidding?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

I hated their guts the second I saw them.

/ˈheɪtɪd/ /ðɛr/ /ɡʌts/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /sɔː/ /ðɛm/

Which means they're hot.

/wɪtʃ/ /hɒt/

In fact, I hated them almost as much as

/fækt/ /ˈheɪtɪd/ /ðɛm/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /mʌtʃ/

I hated Robin when I first met her.

/ˈheɪtɪd/ /wɛn/ /fɜːrst/ /hɜːr/

You hated me? A lot.

/juː/ /ˈheɪtɪd/ /miː/ /lɒt/

Barney, they're hot.

/hɒt/

Oh, there is so much to teach you all.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /mʌtʃ/ /tiːtʃ/ /juː/ /ɔːl/

You have just become victims of...The Cheerleader effect.

/juː/ /hæv/ /dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkʌm/

Glad you asked.

/ɡlæd/ /juː/

The Cheerleader Effect

is when group of women seems hot

/ɪz/ /wɛn/ /ɡruːp/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /hɒt/

but only as a group.

/bʌt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɡruːp/

Just like with cheerleaders.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /wɪð/

They seem hot,

/ðeɪ/ /siːm/ /hɒt/

but take each one of them individually?

/bʌt/ /teɪk/ /iːtʃ/ /ðɛm/

Sled dogs.

/dɒɡz/

That's insane.

/ɪnˈseɪn/

Take a good, hard look

/teɪk/ /ɡʊd/ /hɑːrd/ /lʊk/

at each one of those girls.

/iːtʃ/ /ðoʊz/ /ɡɜːrlz/

Individually.

I don't know.

/noʊ/

The one on the end is kind of cute.

/ɒn/ /ɛnd/ /ɪz/ /kaɪnd/ /kjuːt/

Yeah, she really is.

/ʃiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪz/

And that, my friends, is "The Cheerleader Effect."

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /ɪz/

Also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox,

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/

Sorority Girl Syndrome,

/ɡɜːrl/

and for a brief window in the mid-'90s,

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/

the Spice Girls Conspiracy.

/spaɪs/ /ɡɜːrlz/

Scary Spice indeed.

/ˈskɛri/ /spaɪs/ /ɪnˈdiːd/

Barney Stinson. Barney Stinson nghe.

Oh, hi.

Okay.

Got it.

/ɪt/

Great, we'll be in touch.

/ɡreɪt/ /biː/ /tʌtʃ/

What?

/wɒt/

Apparently, I'm gonna be a dad.

/biː/ /dæd/

What do you mean you're gonna be a dad?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /biː/ /dæd/

How did, how did this happen?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /haʊ/ /dɪd/ /ˈhæpən/

It was just some girl I hook up with a few weeks back.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /fjuː/ /bæk/

She's not sure.

/ʃʊr/

She's gonna go to the doctor in the morning.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈdɒktər/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Maybe it's a false alarm.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /fɔːls/

Maybe she's not pregnant.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

Lily, Lily,

no part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110%.

/noʊ/ /pɑːrt/ /dʌz/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /lɛs/ /ðæn/

If one of my little Michael Phelpses got loose,

/ɪf/ /maɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

he's swimming for the gold.

/ˈswɪmɪŋ/ /fɔːr/

Oh, this is a nightmare.

/ɪz/

I don't want kids.

/wɒnt/ /kɪdz/

Who in their right mind would ever want kids?

/huː/ /ðɛr/ /raɪt/ /maɪnd/ /wʊd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /wɒnt/ /kɪdz/

Now, when you turn 30

/naʊ/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /tɜːrn/

and you're in a couple, a strange thing happens.

/ænd/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /streɪndʒ/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənz/

You start to see babies everywhere.

/juː/ /stɑːrt/ /siː/ /ˈbeɪbiz/ /ˈɛvriwɛr/

Oh, come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Yes, Marshall and Lily were coming down with baby fever.

/ænd/ /wɜːr/ /daʊn/ /wɪð/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈfiːvər/

And their new neighbor weren't helping.

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /njuː/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/

Did you lose a sock there, little dude?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /luːz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

That is without a doubt the cutest little thing

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /daʊt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /θɪŋ/

I've ever seen.

/ˈɛv.ər/

There's my little peanut.

/maɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

That night they sat down to have a serious

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /ðeɪ/ /sæt/ /daʊn/ /hæv/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

practical discussion about having kids.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /kɪdz/

So, if we have a baby,

/ɪf/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

do you think you could work fewer hours?

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /wɜːrk/ /ˈaʊərz/

Doesn't matter--he's gonna be so cute,

/biː/ /kjuːt/

I'm gonna eat him up on the first day.

/iːt/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/

Okay.

But, but what about money?

/bʌt/ /bʌt/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈmʌn.i/

We're still in a ton of debt.

Oh, well, we'll count our overdue bills

/wɛl/ /kaʊnt/ /aʊər/

on his teenie tiny fingers.

/ɒn/ /hɪz/ /ˈtaɪni/ /ˈfɪŋɡərz/

Let's have a baby.

/hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Oh, oh, right now?

/raɪt/ /naʊ/

Oh, okay.

There was just one thing in their way.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /θɪŋ/ /ðɛr/ /weɪ/

And that thing happened to be unemployed

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/ /biː/ /ˌʌnɪmˈplɔɪd/

and sleeping on their couch.

/ænd/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ðɛr/ /kaʊtʃ/

So, Robin, um,

how's the job and apartment search going?

/dʒɒb/ /ænd/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /sɜːrtʃ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Oh, you didn't hear?

/juː/ /hɪr/

I'm the lead anchor on CNN.

/liːd/ /ɒn/

And I got a penthouse

/ænd/

overlooking Central Park made of gold.

/pɑːrk/

Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.

/ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/

They realized if they were going to start a family

/ðeɪ/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ɪf/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

they had to plan ahead.

/ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /plæn/

So, Robin,would you mind crashing at Ted's tomorrow night?

/wʊd/ /juː/ /maɪnd/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/

I'm, uh, cooking Marshall a special dinner.

/ˈspɛʃəl/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Just dinner. That's it.Nothing else.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /ɪt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ɛls/

Fine.

/faɪn/

But you'd better not be as uptight as these idiots

/bʌt/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /biː/ /ðiːz/

about me shooting beer cans on the roof.

/əˈbaʊt/ /miː/ /bɪər/ /ɒn/ /ruːf/

"it hurt my ears.

/ɪt/ /hɜːrt/ /maɪ/

"The neighbors called the cops.

You almost hit me."

/juː/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /miː/

Enjoy her, Ted. She's in a real good place right now.

/ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /hɜːr/ /riːl/ /ɡʊd/ /pleɪs/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

God? It's me.

/miː/

Barney. Barney.

What up?

/wɒt/ /ʌp/

I know we don't talk much,

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /tɔːk/ /mʌtʃ/

though a lot of girls call out your name because of me.

/ðoʊ/ /lɒt/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /kɔːl/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/ /neɪm/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /miː/

Awesome.

/ˈɔːsəm/

But, God...

/bʌt/

if you could get me out of this,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /miː/ /aʊt/

I swear I will never ever,

/swɛər/ /wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...

/ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/

I... Con

Ooh, hang on, bro.

/ɒn/ /broʊ/

Go for Barney.

/ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Marshall, Marshall,

great news!

/ɡreɪt/ /njuːz/

I'm not a father!

/ˈfɑː.ðər/

Congratulations, buddy.

/kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/ /ˈbʌdi/

This is the happiest moment of my life, Marshall.

/ɪz/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

The way I feel about not having kids?

/weɪ/ /fiːl/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /kɪdz/

I never knew I could love something this much.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /njuː/ /kʊd/ /lʌv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /mʌtʃ/

That's why I'm creating a holiday.

/waɪ/ /ˈhɒlɪdeɪ/

From now on, today will be known

/naʊ/ /ɒn/ /təˈdeɪ/ /wɪl/ /biː/

as "Not a Father's Day."

/deɪ/

You're creating a holiday?

/ˈhɒlɪdeɪ/

Yeah, why not?

/waɪ/

Everyone else gets a day:

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ɛls/ /ɡɛts/ /deɪ/

Mothers, Fathers, Bastilles.

Why can't there be a day

/waɪ/ /ðɛr/ /biː/ /deɪ/

for people who are single and like it that way?

/fɔːr/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /huː/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ænd/ /laɪk/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

Well, now you just sound like the chubby girl on Valentine's Day.

/wɛl/ /naʊ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /saʊnd/ /laɪk/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ɒn/ /deɪ/

-Hello,Stinson. -Hey, Nolan.

How are the kids?

/haʊ/ /kɪdz/

You ready for tonight, Eriksen?

/juː/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /təˈnaɪt/

Big merger.

/bɪɡ/

Well, that's between me and my wife, sir.

/wɛl/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /miː/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/ /sɜːr/

No. The meeting with Mr. Li. Tonight.

/noʊ/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /təˈnaɪt/

I thought, I thought that was a breakfast meeting.

/θɔːt/ /θɔːt/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/

It is. Breakfast in China.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/

We're teleconferencing with the Chinese.

/wɪð/

I'm counting on you, kid.

/ɒn/ /juː/ /kɪd/

Marshall? Marshall?

Hey, babe.

/beɪb/

It's breakfast time in China.

/ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /taɪm/

Yeah, it is.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/

Not a euphemism.

Look, I...

/lʊk/

Wait, what would that even mean?

/weɪt/ /wɒt/ /wʊd/ /ðæt/ /ˈiːvən/ /miːn/

I don't know, hot buns, spicy pork?

/noʊ/ /hɒt/ /ˈspaɪsi/ /pɔːrk/

There's something there.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðɛr/

You're not coming home tonight, are you?

/hoʊm/ /təˈnaɪt/ /juː/

Are you shaking your head "no?"

/juː/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/ /noʊ/

I thought so.

/θɔːt/

Oh, thank you, guys, for coming over so fast.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /fæst/

Are you all right?

/juː/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

You sounded upset on the phone.

/juː/ /ʌpˈsɛt/ /ɒn/ /foʊn/

Marshall and I made this big decision

/ænd/ /bɪɡ/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/

to have... dinner.

/hæv/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

And I thought I was ready to-to have... dinner.

/ænd/ /θɔːt/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /hæv/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

But then he called and canceled, and it got me thinking.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /hiː/ /ænd/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /miː/

Is it too early for us to have... dinner?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈɜːr.li/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/ /hæv/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Well, I had an early lunch, so I'm ready for dinner.

/wɛl/ /hæd/ /ˈɜːr.li/ /lʌntʃ/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Dinner is a baby!

/ˈdɪn.ər/ /ɪz/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Lily, that's horrible!

/ˈhɒrɪbl/

No, no, I,I need you guys to figure something out for me.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /niːd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

What?

/wɒt/

Are Marshall and I ready to have a baby?

/ænd/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

So are Marshall and I ready to have a baby or not?

/ænd/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Lily, we can't make this decision for you.

/wiː/ /meɪk/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

-It's huge. -You know what else is huge?

/hjuːdʒ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɛls/ /ɪz/ /hjuːdʒ/

Marshall's head.

/hɛd/

That thing's the size of a late August watermelon.

/ðæt/ /saɪz/ /leɪt/

Marshall's baby coming through there?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /θruː/ /ðɛr/

Yowza! Yowza!

What does Marshall think?

/wɒt/ /dʌz/ /θɪŋk/

Probably a lot in that 1950s space helmet

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /lɒt/ /ðæt/ /speɪs/

of a head he's walking around with.

/hɛd/ /əˈraʊnd/ /wɪð/

Marshall really excited.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/

But I think he only sees what's cute about having a baby,

/bʌt/ /θɪŋk/ /hiː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /kjuːt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

not what's hard about it.

/hɑːrd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Like the other day,

/laɪk/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /deɪ/

while Marshall was playing with baby Jeremy,

/waɪl/ /wɒz/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I was talking to Jeremy's mom.

/wɒz/ /mɒm/

Thanks so much for inviting us over.

/mʌtʃ/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

I have not talked to another adult in, like, weeks.

/hæv/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈædʌlt/ /laɪk/

Well, besides my husband.

/wɛl/ /maɪ/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

But "It's your turn to change him"

/bʌt/ /jʊr/ /tɜːrn/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /hɪm/

and "Make him shut up" really doesn't count as conversation.

/ænd/ /meɪk/ /hɪm/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /kaʊnt/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

Sorry, I'm rambling.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I haven't gotten laid in seven months.

/ˈsɛvən/

Oh, I just did it again!

/dʒʌst/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/

Sleep deprivation!

/sliːp/

Oh, wait, I'm not crying, am I?

/weɪt/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/

I usually am.

/ˈjuː.ʒu.ə.li/

I don't mean to complain.

/miːn/ /kəmˈpleɪn/

Oh, now I feel bad!

/naʊ/ /fiːl/ /bæd/

there's my little peanut!

/maɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Oh, I love you so much!

/lʌv/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/

I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /aʊt/

Worse actually.

/wɜːrs/ /ˈæktʃuəli/

At least her husband works from home.

/liːst/ /hɜːr/ /ˈhʌzbənd/ /wɜːrks/ /hoʊm/

I mean, he's a pot dealer, but he's a very involved parent.

/miːn/ /pɒt/ /bʌt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈpɛrənt/

Marshall will be a great dad.

/wɪl/ /biː/ /ɡreɪt/ /dæd/

Marshall's always at the office,

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈɒfɪs/

and, and I'm afraid that if we have a baby now,

/ænd/ /ænd/ /əˈfreɪd/ /ðæt/ /ɪf/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /naʊ/

all the work will fall on me.

/ɔːl/ /wɜːrk/ /wɪl/ /fɔːl/ /ɒn/ /miː/

You're just panicing and focusing on the downside.

/dʒʌst/ /ænd/ /ɒn/

I think Lily's just being realistic.

/θɪŋk/ /dʒʌst/

See, this is good.

/siː/ /ɪz/ /ɡʊd/

This is why I called you guys both over here.

/ɪz/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /boʊθ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɪr/

Ted, you're pro kids.

/kɪdz/

Robin, you're against.

/əˈɡɛnst/

Counselors, opening statements.

Okay, I know you're afraid that you're not ready.

/noʊ/ /əˈfreɪd/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɛd.i/

But no one ever thinks they're ready.

/bʌt/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈrɛd.i/

You-you just have to take the leap.

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /teɪk/

Parenthood will come naturally.

/wɪl/ /kʌm/

Well, of course you think it comes naturally.

/wɛl/ /kɔːrs/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ɪt/

You're basically a dad already.

/dæd/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

You're a total dad.

/dæd/

What are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Ted,think about it.

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

You tell super corny dad jokes.

/juː/ /tɛl/ /ˈsuːpər/ /dæd/ /dʒoʊks/

Shredded tweet!

Oh, man!

/mæn/

Shredded tweet.

You lecture us.

/juː/ /ˈlɛktʃər/ /ʌs/

Like when we broke your stupid ship in a bottle.

/laɪk/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /jʊr/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈbɒtəl/

I'm not angry.

/ˈæŋɡri/

I'm just disappointed.

/dʒʌst/

She did it!

/ʃiː/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/

Shut up!

/ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

And you do that thing all dads do with waitresses.

/ænd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋ/ /ɔːl/ /duː/ /wɪð/

Hi, I'm Lori.

I'll be your waitress this evening.

/biː/ /jʊr/ /ˈiːvnɪŋ/

Hi, Lori, I'm Ted.

I'll be your customer this evening.

/biː/ /jʊr/ /ˈiːvnɪŋ/

Hey, Lori,before you go,tell me,

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /tɛl/ /miː/

what do you getwhen you cross a canary with a lawn mower?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /juː/ /krɒs/ /wɪð/

No hints.No hints.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

She's right.

/raɪt/

Ted, you maybe single

/juː/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

and childless, but you're totally a dorky dad.

/ænd/ /bʌt/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /dæd/

I don't think I like your tone, young lady.

/θɪŋk/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/ /jʌŋ/ /ˈleɪdi/

Marshall, Not a Father's Day is a hit!

/deɪ/ /ɪz/

Laraby and Finklestein are helping me celebrate. Check it.

/ænd/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /miː/ /ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/ /tʃɛk/ /ɪt/

"World's Greatest Not A Dad" mugs.

/dæd/

There's, uh... ha!

"Who's Not Your Daddy?" T-shirts.

/jʊr/ /ˈdædi/

Both available at Not A Father's Day.Com.

/boʊθ/ /deɪ/ /kɒm/

Oh, check out the greeting cards.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /kɑːrdz/

"For everything you do for yourself,

/fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /duː/ /fɔːr/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

"For all the scotch upon your shelf,

/fɔːr/ /ɔːl/ /jʊr/ /ʃɛlf/

"Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway,

/jʊr/

"Here's wishing you an all night three-way.

/juː/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

Happy Not a Father's Day."

/ˈhæp.i/ /deɪ/

Check out the illustration.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/

No, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

It appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.

/ɪt/ /biː/ /sʌm/ /sɔːrt/

Yes.

Because on Not a Father's Day,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɒn/ /deɪ/

you get a Thai you'd actually wear.

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /wɛr/

Wordplay five!

/faɪv/

She's really kicking your ass here, Mosby.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /jʊr/ /hɪr/

Your only hope is to go negative.

/jʊr/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hoʊp/ /ɪz/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈnɛɡətɪv/

Okay.

I'll tell you why my opponent is saying all this.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /waɪ/ /maɪ/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/

Three words:

/θriː/ /wɜːrdz/

sced of babies.

/ˈbeɪbiz/

What?

/wɒt/

That is crazy.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

- I am not. - Oh, yeah?

Remember that time you met my cousin and her kid?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /ˈkʌzɪn/ /ænd/ /hɜːr/ /kɪd/

Oh, she is so cute!

/ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /kjuːt/

Oh, do you want to hold her?

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /hoʊld/ /hɜːr/

Or the baby shower Lily threw for her friend Erika?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈʃaʊər/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/ /frɛnd/

Are you leting that baby sniff you?

/juː/ /ðæt/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/

I don't want to get bitten.

/wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/

And don'forget about...

/ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/

Talking baby commercial?

/ˈbeɪbi/

Talking baby commercial.

/ˈbeɪbi/

But you're not like that, Lily.

/bʌt/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

You love kids and they love you.

/juː/ /lʌv/ /kɪdz/ /ænd/ /ðeɪ/ /lʌv/ /juː/

Yes, I'm loveable,

pretty and wise, but is it enough?

/ˈprɪti/ /ænd/ /waɪz/ /bʌt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Look, it all comes down to one word: you.

/lʊk/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /daʊn/ /wɜːrd/ /juː/

Are you ready to put

/juː/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /pʊt/

your own dreams on the back burner?

/jʊr/ /oʊn/ /driːmz/ /ɒn/ /bæk/

Grad school,

/skuːl/

teaching art at the college evel?

/ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /ɑːrt/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

Look, you need to focus

/lʊk/ /juː/ /niːd/ /ˈfoʊkəs/

on Project Lily before you can start Project Baby.

/ɒn/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /kæn/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

If you don't, you'll always regret it.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/ /ɪt/

And that wouldn't be fair to you or the baby.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /biː/ /fɛr/ /juː/ /ˈbeɪbi/

What's that?

/ðæt/

It's Jeremy's sock.

I'm having a baby.

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

But what about all the things I just said?

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɔːl/ /θɪŋz/ /dʒʌst/ /sɛd/

But, but sock.

/bʌt/ /bʌt/

But what about Marshall working all the time?

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

But sock.

/bʌt/

But, but Project Lily!

/bʌt/ /bʌt/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/

Little fishies on it.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

We made all of these arguments,

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/

and a sock is what makes your decision for you?

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /jʊr/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

I guess that was the sock-out punch, huh, Robin?

/ɡɛs/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /pʌntʃ/

Shut up, Dad.

/ʃʌt/ /ʌp/ /dæd/

You shut up, baby hater.

/juː/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Babies are scary, okay?

/ˈbeɪbiz/ /ˈskɛri/

They have giant eyes.

/ðeɪ/ /hæv/ /aɪz/

And then, come on, the soft spot?

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /sɒft/ /spɒt/

If there's gonna be a self-destruct button,

/ɪf/ /biː/

at least hide it somewhere it won't accidentally get pressed.

/liːst/ /haɪd/ /ɪt/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛt/

Where's Lily?

Hey, did you drink any of this?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈɛn.i/

Not a drop.

/drɒp/

Me, neither.

/miː/

Eriksen, meeting in five minutes.

/ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /faɪv/

And you'd better bring your A-game for Mr. Li.

/ænd/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /brɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /fɔːr/

That guy haunts my nightmares.

/ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /maɪ/

Anyway, have fun out there, kid.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /hæv/ /fʌn/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /kɪd/

Put a baby in me, Marshall. I'm ready.

/pʊt/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /miː/ /ˈrɛd.i/

Lily... Lily, what are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

I'm ready, Marshall.

/ˈrɛd.i/

Tonight's the night.

/naɪt/

Put your melon-headed spawn in my belly.

/pʊt/ /jʊr/ /maɪ/

What?

/wɒt/

Come on, right now.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Baby me. I am ready.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /miː/ /ˈrɛd.i/

Oh, hey, look.

/lʊk/

The guys in the next building are waving at me.

/ɡaɪz/ /nɛkst/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /miː/

Hello, gentlemen!

We're going to make a baby!

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /meɪk/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I can't believe we lost her.

/bɪˈliːv/ /wiː/ /lɒst/ /hɜːr/

See, this is exactly why I'm never having kids.

/siː/ /ɪz/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /waɪ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /kɪdz/

You can't let them out of your sight

/juː/ /lɛt/ /ðɛm/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/

for even a second.

/fɔːr/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

I can't find my file.

/faɪnd/ /maɪ/

I pulled out "A" through "G."

/aʊt/ /θruː/

They just sit there with their stupid bottles.

/ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /sɪt/ /ðɛr/ /wɪð/ /ðɛr/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

They cry.

/ðeɪ/ /kraɪ/

They spit up.

/ðeɪ/ /ʌp/

And that's why kids suck.

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /kɪdz/

Wow, it is a good thing we broke up.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /ʌp/

I forgot how totally psycho you are on the kids thing.

/fərˈɡɒt/ /haʊ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /kɪdz/ /θɪŋ/

I'm psycho?

Any time you even hear the word "kids,"

/ˈɛn.i/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /hɪr/ /wɜːrd/ /kɪdz/

you get two little lactation stains on your shirt.

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /tuː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /ʃɜːrt/

Thank God you're not a mom.

/mɒm/

You are such an ice queen.

/juː/ /sʌtʃ/ /aɪs/

Any baby nursing from you would get brain freeze.

/ˈɛn.i/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /breɪn/

Look, don't paint me as some sort

/lʊk/ /peɪnt/ /miː/ /sʌm/ /sɔːrt/

of a freak for wanting to remain independent.

/friːk/ /fɔːr/ /ˌɪndɪˈpɛndənt/

There are plenty of normal people out there who don't want to have kids.

/ðɛr/ /ˈplɛnti/ /ˈnɔːrməl/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /huː/ /wɒnt/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

Brother, lay your hand on this

/ˈbrʌð.ər/ /jʊr/ /hænd/ /ɒn/

box of condoms and repeat after me.

/bɒks/ /ænd/ /rɪˈpiːt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /miː/

I, state the fake name you give to women.

/feɪk/ /neɪm/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

I, Johnny Banana.

/bəˈnɑːnə/

Vow to always choose wet T-shirts over wet diapers.

/vaʊ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /tʃuːz/ /wɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /wɛt/

Vow to always...

/vaʊ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

Yeah, you're in great company there.

/ɡreɪt/ /ˈkʌmpəni/ /ðɛr/

I'm gonna look for Lily in the bathroom.

/lʊk/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbæθruːm/

-While I'm in there, I'll grab you a tampon. -Great.

/waɪl/ /ðɛr/ /ɡræb/ /juː/ /ɡreɪt/

Great, and when you're done shaking off at the urinal,

/ɡreɪt/ /ænd/ /wɛn/ /dʌn/ /ɒf/

maybe you could ask the wizard to give you a heart.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /æsk/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /hɑːrt/

You know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Maybe I should find somewhere else to stay this weekend.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ʃʊd/ /faɪnd/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/ /ɛls/ /steɪ/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

-No argument here. -Fine.

/noʊ/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/ /hɪr/ /faɪn/

Great.

/ɡreɪt/

Welcome to our fraternity of non-paternity.

/ˈwɛlkəm/ /aʊər/

He is one of us.

/hiː/ /ɪz/ /ʌs/

Gentlemen, Mr. Li,

if you would all

/ɪf/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /ɔːl/

please open to page five of your merger documents.

/pliːz/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /faɪv/ /jʊr/

I think the...

/θɪŋk/

What is it, Eriksen?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Nothing.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

I justhink that you look...

/ðæt/ /juː/ /lʊk/

very nice today.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /naɪs/ /təˈdeɪ/

What are you looking at?

/wɒt/ /juː/

I am looking at the future...

/ˈfjuː.tʃər/

of our two companies, and it looks

/aʊər/ /tuː/ /ænd/ /ɪt/

very... naked.

/ˈvɛr.i/

Would you excuse me just

/wʊd/ /juː/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /dʒʌst/

for a brief second?

/fɔːr/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

Did anyone else see the drunk chick?

/dɪd/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /ɛls/ /siː/ /drʌŋk/ /tʃɪk/

Hey, you guys didn't have to...

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæv/

It's a picture of me with no kids.

/ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /miː/ /wɪð/ /noʊ/ /kɪdz/

And there's macaroni glued on the frame.

/ænd/ /ɒn/

Guys, I love it.

/ɡaɪz/ /lʌv/ /ɪt/

Well, Lily's not in there.

/wɛl/ /ðɛr/

Your phone rang.

/jʊr/ /foʊn/

I answered it. I hope you don't mind.

/ɪt/ /hoʊp/ /juː/ /maɪnd/

Marshall's got Lily.

-She's fine. -Oh, thank God.

/faɪn/

What? Sao?

/wɒt/

When I was putting your phone back,

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/ /bæk/

and, uh, I found something in your bag.

/ænd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /bæɡ/

I have a permit for that.

/hæv/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

And the other thing was a gift.

/ænd/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /θɪŋ/ /wɒz/ /ɡɪft/

No.

/noʊ/

This.

You stole Jeremy's sock.

/juː/ /stoʊl/

No, I didn't.

/noʊ/

I don't know how that got in there.

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ðæt/ /ðɛr/

It must've fallen in. Weird!

/ɪt/

"Fallen in"?

Or Lily put it in there as a joke.

/pʊt/ /ɪt/ /ðɛr/ /dʒoʊk/

That bitch be drunk.

/ðæt/ /biː/ /drʌŋk/

Okay, I took it.

/tʊk/ /ɪt/

It's just...

/dʒʌst/

so cute.

/kjuːt/

Sock.

Robin Scherbatsky, Robin Scherbatsky,

are you warming to the idea of having children?

/juː/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/

No.

/noʊ/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

Maybe someday.

/ˈmeɪbi/

When I'm, like, 70.

/wɛn/ /laɪk/

Scienc will catch up.

/wɪl/ /ʌp/

Look, I'm just...

/lʊk/ /dʒʌst/

I'm confused lately.

/kənˈfjuːzd/

I'm unemployed.

/ˌʌnɪmˈplɔɪd/

I'm living on a couch.

/ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /kaʊtʃ/

Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months

/rʌf/ /ˈkʌpəl/

for both of us.

/fɔːr/ /boʊθ/ /ʌs/

Hey, I have a spare bedroom.

/hæv/ /ˈbɛdruːm/

Why don't you stay with me while you look for a place?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /steɪ/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /waɪl/ /juː/ /lʊk/ /fɔːr/ /pleɪs/

-Really? -Yeah.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Thanks, Ted.

I already have some leads,

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hæv/ /sʌm/

so it'll be one week, two weeks tops.

/biː/ /wiːk/ /tuː/

And that's how your Aunt Robin moved in with me.

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ænt/ /wɪð/ /miː/

I'm bored.

/bɔːrd/

Let's go dancing.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈdænsɪŋ/

Oh, let's rob a liquor store!

/stɔːr/

Lily, we're not going anywhere, okay?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

Whenever we go somewhere when you're drunk,

/wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/ /wɛn/ /drʌŋk/

you always fall asleep as soon as we get in the...

/juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /fɔːl/ /əˈsliːp/ /suːn/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/

We're going dancing!

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈdænsɪŋ/

We're gonna party all night long!

/ˈpɑːrti/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/ /lɔːŋ/

Hey, can you circle the block a couple times

/kæn/ /juː/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /taɪmz/

just to make sure she's really down?

/dʒʌst/ /meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /daʊn/

Sure thing.

/ʃʊr/ /θɪŋ/

Latest Not A Father's Day brainstorm:

/ˈleɪtɪst/ /deɪ/

a pregnancy test, but instead of a little, blue line,

/tɛst/ /bʌt/ /ɪnˈstɛd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /bluː/ /laɪn/

there's a little, blue Barney going like this.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /bluː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /laɪk/

Barney, Not A Father's Day is lame.

/deɪ/ /ɪz/

It's a holiday for losers.

/ˈhɒlɪdeɪ/ /fɔːr/

What are you...? What're you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

That's a great group of bros.

/ɡreɪt/ /ɡruːp/ /broʊz/

Barney, it's the Cheerleader Effect.

Uh, no, Ted.

/noʊ/

That only works for chicks.

/ðæt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /wɜːrks/ /fɔːr/ /tʃɪks/

Take a good look at each one of thoseuys individually.

/teɪk/ /ɡʊd/ /lʊk/ /iːtʃ/

These geniuses are not childless by choice, my friend.

/ðiːz/ /tʃɔɪs/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/

Good night, Barney.

/ɡʊd/ /naɪt/

Good night.

/ɡʊd/ /naɪt/

Sock.

Do I smell chocolate chip pancakes?

/duː/ /smɛl/ /ˈtʃɒklɪt/ /ˈpænkeɪks/

No, you smell "Chocolate chip

/noʊ/ /juː/ /smɛl/ /ˈtʃɒklɪt/

I'm sorry I was such a drunk idiot" pancakes.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɒz/ /sʌtʃ/ /drʌŋk/ /ˈɪdiət/ /ˈpænkeɪks/

Oh, is there any "Wish I hadn't puked on your shirt" bacon?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /wɪʃ/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /ʃɜːrt/

There sure is.

/ðɛr/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪz/

Baby...

/ˈbeɪbi/

I'm so sorry about last night.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /əˈbaʊt/ /læst/ /naɪt/

I know I was a mess.

/noʊ/ /wɒz/ /mɛs/

I... I just started freaking out

/dʒʌst/ /aʊt/

about whether we're ready to be parents.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈwɛðər/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /biː/ /ˈpɛərənts/

But you took such good care of me.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /tʊk/ /sʌtʃ/ /ɡʊd/ /kɛr/ /miː/

I know you're gonna be a great dad.

/noʊ/ /biː/ /ɡreɪt/ /dæd/

I don't want to be a dad right now.

/wɒnt/ /biː/ /dæd/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

What?

/wɒt/

Last night, it was just...

/læst/ /naɪt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/

Between balancing work and drunk Baby Lily,

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /wɜːrk/ /ænd/ /drʌŋk/ /ˈbeɪbi/

it was too much.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /mʌtʃ/

I'm just getting started at this job,

/dʒʌst/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /dʒɒb/

and I'm working such long hours, I mean...

/ænd/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /sʌtʃ/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈaʊərz/ /miːn/

Look, I love you.

/lʊk/ /lʌv/ /juː/

And I absolutely want to have kids someday.

/ænd/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/ /wɒnt/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

I just... I want to be ready for it.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

Me, too.

/miː/

And whenever we are ready,

/ænd/ /wiː/ /ˈrɛd.i/

I know you're going to be amazing.

/noʊ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

You, too.

/juː/

Hey, do you want to go have

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /hæv/

completely protected sex right now?

/kəmˈpliːtli/ /sɛks/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I do.

/duː/

Do you want to finish your bacon first?

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /jʊr/ /fɜːrst/

You are the perfect woman.