Season 5 · Tập 12

Never know

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /noʊ/

When you're about to meet someone really important.

/wɛn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miːt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

It's not like life gives you a warning.

/laɪk/ /laɪf/ /ɡɪvz/ /juː/

You just look up and there they are.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /lʊk/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /ðɛr/ /ðeɪ/

Come on, we're going to go get trashed on the roof.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /ruːf/

No, not that dude.

/noʊ/ /ðæt/

Her.

/hɜːr/

I'm good, boomer.

/ɡʊd/

My name's not boomer.

/maɪ/

Oh, in my head, it is. Gentlemen,

/maɪ/ /hɛd/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

I'm a faculty member, and you're underage,

/ænd/

So it's my duty to confiscate this and this and-

/maɪ/ /ænd/ /ænd/

Hard lemonade?

/hɑːrd/

You know what, boomer?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

You can keep that.

/juː/ /kæn/ /kiːp/ /ðæt/

I swear,

/swɛər/

Every week I get asked by some frat guy

/ˈɛv.ri/ /wiːk/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /ɡaɪ/

To a kegger, and I say,

/ænd/ /seɪ/

"i'm a phd candidate writing a dissertation entitled

/ˈraɪtɪŋ/

'foreign direct investment

/ˈfɒrɪn/ /dɪˈrɛkt/

And intergenerational linkages in consumption behavior.'"

/ænd/

And what does frat guy say to that?

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /dʌz/ /ɡaɪ/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

: "that's hot."

/hɒt/

actually, that is kind of hot.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /kaɪnd/ /hɒt/

Ted, I have a confession. Hmm.

/hæv/

I recognize you.

/juː/

Do you remember the first day of classes last semester?

/duː/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/ /læst/ /sɪˈmɛstər/

Econ 305?

Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story.

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /rɒŋ/ /ˈklæsruːm/ /ˈstɔːri/

I thought I was in architecture 101, but it was econ 305.

/θɔːt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

Of course, what I didn't know was

/kɔːrs/ /wɒt/ /noʊ/ /wɒz/

That your mother was somewhere in that class,

/ðæt/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /wɒz/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/ /ðæt/ /klæs/

And she thought I was a complete idiot.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /θɔːt/ /wɒz/ /kəmˈpliːt/ /ˈɪdiət/

I thought you were a complete idiot.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /kəmˈpliːt/ /ˈɪdiət/

But a very cute idiot.

/bʌt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /kjuːt/ /ˈɪdiət/

So, um, do you ever date cute idiots?

/duː/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /deɪt/ /kjuːt/

Almost exclusively.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/

Transcript by addic7ed.com Transcript by addic7ed.com translate by vymuop

/kɒm/ /kɒm/

She's a phd candidate,

She reads philosophy for fun,

/ʃiː/ /fɔːr/ /fʌn/

She does the Sunday crossword every week and finishes it.

/ʃiː/ /dʌz/ /ˈsʌndeɪ/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /wiːk/ /ænd/ /ɪt/

Ooh. Barney: Wow,

- Ted, I am so happy for you - sorry,

/ˈhæp.i/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Not for you, happy I'm not you.

/fɔːr/ /juː/ /ˈhæp.i/ /juː/

Long story short: I have a date tonight.

/lɔːŋ/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ʃɔːrt/ /hæv/ /deɪt/ /təˈnaɪt/

Oh, yay.

/jeɪ/

hmm?

Thanks, new york, I'll try not to screw it up.

/njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /traɪ/ /skruː/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/

What's going on?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

There's a huge line outside maclaren's.

/hjuːdʒ/ /laɪn/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

And why is it almost entirely dudes?

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/

Only two things could cause that kind of commotion.

/ˈoʊnli/ /tuː/ /θɪŋz/ /kʊd/ /kɔːz/ /ðæt/ /kaɪnd/

Boobs.

she's my cherry pie... She's my cherry pie...

/maɪ/ /paɪ/ /maɪ/ /paɪ/

Ladies and gentlemen,

/ænd/

Maclaren's has hired a hot bartender.

/hæz/ /haɪərd/ /hɒt/

sweet cherry pie, yeah Sweet cherry pie, yeah.

/swiːt/ /paɪ/ /swiːt/ /paɪ/

Look at all these guys.

/lʊk/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /ɡaɪz/

The sidewalk's going to smell like pee-pee now.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /smɛl/ /laɪk/ /naʊ/

Well, we'd better start looking for a new bar.

/wɛl/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /stɑːrt/ /fɔːr/ /njuː/ /bɑːr/

What, are you- what, are you- are you crazy?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /juː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

It is a hot bartender.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /hɒt/

Do you know how long I have been waiting to land a...

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /hæv/ /lænd/

My friends, I have been with many women in my day.

/maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /hæv/ /wɪð/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /maɪ/ /deɪ/

Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors,

Professional equestrians, amateur equestrians...

/prəˈfɛʃənl/

A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker-

Yes, we're to the rhyming section now-

/ˈsɛk.ʃən/ /naʊ/

A math professor, a tax assessor, a weight guesser...

/prəˈfɛsər/

A puppeteer,

A blackjack dealer,

A stay-at-home mom- that's a job, too, guys-

/mɒm/ /dʒɒb/ /ɡaɪz/

A circuit court judge...

/kɔːt/ /dʒʌdʒ/

Get to the point!

/ɡɛt/ /pɔɪnt/

I have never, ever scored a hot bartender

/hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hɒt/

Until tonight.

/ənˈtɪl/ /təˈnaɪt/

She's really not that hot.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ðæt/ /hɒt/

Aw, is someone jealous of all the attention?

/ɪz/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ˈdʒɛləs/ /ɔːl/

Did somebody fancy herself the hottest girl in the bar?

/dɪd/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /ɡɜːrl/ /bɑːr/

Gosh, no. Shut up!

/ɡɒʃ/ /noʊ/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

All right, wish me luck.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /wɪʃ/ /miː/ /lʌk/

All right, it's never going to happen.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈhæpən/

Barney, she's just going

/dʒʌst/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

To pretend to like you

/laɪk/ /juː/

The same way she hypnotized all these geniuses.

/seɪm/ /weɪ/ /ʃiː/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/

Yeah, but guess who's not going to fall under her spell?

/bʌt/ /ɡɛs/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fɔːl/ /ˈʌndər/ /hɜːr/

I'm gonna be all, "drop the act, baby doll.

/biː/ /ɔːl/ /drɒp/ /ækt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Daddy needs a gin and tonic."

/ˈdædi/ /ænd/

Then when she brings it,

/ðɛn/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /brɪŋz/ /ɪt/

I'm gonna just spit it out and say, "try again."

/dʒʌst/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /seɪ/ /traɪ/ /əˈɡɛn/

Boom! Alpha dog is right where he belongs:

/dɔːɡ/ /ɪz/ /raɪt/ /wɛr/ /hiː/

On top, then after a few minutes, on the bottom.

/ɒn/ /tɒp/ /ðɛn/ /ˈæf.tər/ /fjuː/ /ɒn/

Why should I do all the work?

/waɪ/ /ʃʊd/ /duː/ /ɔːl/ /wɜːrk/

Hi, marshall. Guys, what's happening?

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/

New superhot bartender.

/njuː/

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Eh.

Ha, ha, see?

/siː/

Marshall doesn't think she's hot either.

/θɪŋk/ /hɒt/ /ˈiː.ðər/

Yes, he does.

/hiː/ /dʌz/

Baby, you don't have to pretend

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /hæv/

Other women aren't attractive just for my sake.

/ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/

I know, and if that woman were anywhere near as hot

/noʊ/ /ænd/ /ɪf/ /ðæt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/ /nɪər/ /hɒt/

As the woman I'm married to, then I'd admit it,

/ˈwʊm.ən/ /ˈmærid/ /ðɛn/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ɪt/

But she's not.

/bʌt/

Oh, baby, you're so sweet, but compared to that woman,

/ˈbeɪbi/ /swiːt/ /bʌt/ /ðæt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

I am a big bag of three-day-old garbage.

/bɪɡ/ /bæɡ/ /ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/

Well, I call 'em

/wɛl/ /kɔːl/

Like I see 'em, and...

/laɪk/ /siː/ /ænd/

I just think you're the most beautiful woman in the world.

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /moʊst/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /wɜːrld/

See, that's just annoying.

/siː/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈnɔɪɪŋ/

Oh, my god, you are so funny.

/maɪ/ /juː/ /ˈfʌn.i/

That'll be $6.75.

/biː/

Here's a 50, keep the change.

/kiːp/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

Oh, thank you.

/juː/

Amateurs.

Hey.

What do you want? Drop the act, baby doll-

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /drɒp/ /ækt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Wait, what? Are you gonna order

/weɪt/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /ˈɔːrdər/

A drink or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?

/drɪŋk/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /stænd/ /ðɛr/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

Um...

I don't know how to make an um.

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /meɪk/

Is that equal parts vodka and ge t-the-hell-out-of-my face?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈiːkwəl/ /ænd/ /feɪs/

Hey, bobby!

What's going on?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Later that night, I embarked

/ˈleɪtər/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

Upon a very important first date.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪt/

How are you? Good. Come in.

/haʊ/ /juː/ /ɡʊd/ /kʌm/

It's funny, sometimes you walk into a place

/ˈfʌn.i/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /juː/ /wɔːk/ /pleɪs/

You've never been before, but you get the feeling

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/

You're exactly where you're supposed to be.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɛr/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/

And kids, that's the first time I ever saw

/ænd/ /kɪdz/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /sɔː/

Your mother's little yellow bus.

/jʊr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈjɛloʊ/ /bʌs/

You know the one.

/juː/ /noʊ/

It's right behind you.

/raɪt/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /juː/

Hey, this is cute.

/ɪz/ /kjuːt/

Actually, it's my roommate's.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /maɪ/

As, kids, standing in your mother's apartment,

/kɪdz/ /jʊr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Never mind the fact that I was on a date with her roommate

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /maɪnd/ /fækt/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/

Cindy. Cindy.

Sorry, I shouldn't be messing

/ˈsɒr.i/ /biː/

With your roommate's stuff.

/wɪð/ /jʊr/ /stʌf/

what's she like?

/ʃiː/ /laɪk/

I didn't know it, but I was about to hear

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /bʌt/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɪr/

The very first description of the woman I'd one day marry.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /deɪ/ /ˈmæri/

She's a whore.

I think she's a dominatrix. What?

/θɪŋk/ /wɒt/

Okay, I'm sorry, none of that is true.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /nʌn/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /truː/

I have a bit

/hæv/

Of a roommate complex. Why?

/ˈruːmmeɪt/ /waɪ/

Guys are always falling in love with her.

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Hey, hey, look at me.

/lʊk/ /miː/

I promise you

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /juː/

I am not going to fall in love with your roommate.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fɔːl/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/

Oops.

Okay, now that you've had a closer look, admit it:

/naʊ/ /ðæt/ /hæd/ /lʊk/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ɪt/

That bartender is the hottest woman in this bar.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /bɑːr/

Second hottest.

/ˈsɛk.ənd/

I repeat...

/rɪˈpiːt/

Eh. Eh.

Baby, how could you not want to hit that?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ðæt/

I want to hit that.

/wɒnt/ /ðæt/

If you don't want to hit that,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ðæt/

I'm sorry, but you might be gay.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /biː/

Hell, yeah, I'm gay.

Gay for you.

/fɔːr/ /juː/

Whatever. Did you find out why

/dɪd/ /juː/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/ /waɪ/

I'm the one guy in this entire bar she seems to despise?

/ɡaɪ/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /bɑːr/ /ʃiː/

I did, um...

/dɪd/

You're not going to like the answer.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /laɪk/ /ˈæn.sər/

My last three boyfriends were wall street guys- bastards-

/maɪ/ /læst/ /θriː/ /wɜːr/ /wɔːl/ /striːt/ /ɡaɪz/

So I vowed

Never again to date

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /əˈɡɛn/ /deɪt/

A guy who wears suits.

/ɡaɪ/ /huː/

Huh.

Okay, well, that's easy.

/wɛl/ /ˈiː.zi/

All I have to do is stop wearing suits. Oh,

/ɔːl/ /hæv/ /duː/ /ɪz/ /stɒp/

That's all, barney?

/ɔːl/

Come on, you're never not in a suit.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /suːt/

True... But for those- I mean, for that-

/truː/ /bʌt/ /fɔːr/ /ðoʊz/ /miːn/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

I mean, for her...

/miːn/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/

I will stop wearing-

/wɪl/ /stɒp/

Wait for it...

/weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

We know you're going to say "suits."

/wiː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /seɪ/

...Suits. ...vest.

Meanwhile, cindy and I

/ænd/

Were having a lovely evening,

/wɜːr/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈlʌvli/ /ˈiːvnɪŋ/

Except she wasn't kidding about her roommate complex.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /ʃiː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/

And another weird thing about my roommate:

/ænd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/

She does these bizarre paintings of robots playing sports.

/ʃiː/ /dʌz/ /ðiːz/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /spɔːrts/

Yeah, that is weird.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

I was lying.

/wɒz/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/

That sounded awesome.

/ðæt/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Your mother's robot volleyball watercolor

/jʊr/ /ˈroʊbɒt/ /ˈvɒlibɔːl/

Is hanging up in the den as we speak.

/ɪz/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /wiː/ /spiːk/

Yeah,

And she has this crazy habit

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /hæz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Of making breakfast food sing show tunes.

/ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /fuːd/ /sɪŋ/ /ʃoʊ/

That's just bizarre.

/dʒʌst/

Your mother's rendition of "memories"

/jʊr/

As performed by an english muffin is, to this day,

/ˈɪŋ.ɡlɪʃ/ /ɪz/ /deɪ/

The most hauntingly beautiful thing I've ever heard.

/moʊst/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hɜːrd/

Look, I'm sold.

/lʊk/ /soʊld/

I hate this girl.

/heɪt/ /ɡɜːrl/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Look, she's not that bad.

/lʊk/ /ðæt/ /bæd/

I just get a little jealous.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈdʒɛləs/

I don't know why.

/noʊ/ /waɪ/

You're awesome.

/ˈɔːsəm/

But not as awesome as your mother.

/bʌt/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

And speaking of things that are less awesome,

/ænd/ /ˈspiːkɪŋ/ /θɪŋz/ /ðæt/ /lɛs/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Your uncle barney had officially suited down.

/jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /hæd/ /daʊn/

I am so sorry

/ˈsɒr.i/

I misjudged you.

/juː/

If there is

/ɪf/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/

One type of person

/taɪp/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

That I cannot stand,

/ðæt/ /stænd/

It is a man in a suit.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /mæn/ /suːt/

That and a woman who has no respect

/ðæt/ /ænd/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /huː/ /hæz/ /noʊ/ /rɪˈspɛkt/

For herself.

/fɔːr/

Yeah. Yeah.

- Suits and insecure women - I hate 'em.

/ænd/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /heɪt/

Just hate 'em.

/dʒʌst/ /heɪt/

Hey. Hey. Hey, how was

/haʊ/ /wɒz/

Your date with cindy?

/jʊr/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/

Well, last night was great, today not so much.

/wɛl/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡreɪt/ /təˈdeɪ/ /mʌtʃ/

What, why?

/wɒt/ /waɪ/

I found out the school's policy

/aʊt/ /ˈpɒlɪsi/

About students and professors dating is really strict.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈstjuːdənts/ /ænd/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /strɪkt/

I could lose my scholarship.

/kʊd/ /luːz/ /maɪ/ /ˈskɒlərʃɪp/

Yeah, but I-it's not like you're in my class.

/bʌt/ /laɪk/ /maɪ/ /klæs/

I mean, we're not even in the same department.

/miːn/ /ˈiːvən/ /seɪm/ /dɪˈpɑːrtmənt/

I'm sorry, but I just can't risk it.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /rɪsk/ /ɪt/

She's completely overreacting, right?

/kəmˈpliːtli/ /raɪt/

Actually, ted, she has a point.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ʃiː/ /hæz/ /pɔɪnt/

Yeah, and think about it.

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

If the rules are that strict,

/ɪf/ /ðæt/ /strɪkt/

You could be putting your job in jeopardy.

/juː/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /jʊr/ /dʒɒb/

I think, I think you got to let this one go, buddy.

/θɪŋk/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /lɛt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈbʌdi/

Let's try this again:

/traɪ/ /əˈɡɛn/

She's completely overreacting, right?

/kəmˈpliːtli/ /raɪt/

Of course, they were right.

/kɔːrs/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/

I had to let it go,

/hæd/ /lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/

But as your uncle barney was about to find out,

/bʌt/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/

It's not so easy to let things go.

/ˈiː.zi/ /lɛt/ /θɪŋz/ /ɡoʊ/

: Suit up.

/suːt/ /ʌp/

Now, none of us had ever seen

/naʊ/ /nʌn/ /ʌs/ /hæd/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Barney go this long without suiting up,

/ɡoʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /ʌp/

And kids, it wasn't pretty.

/ænd/ /kɪdz/ /ɪt/ /ˈprɪti/

So sorry I'm late.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /leɪt/

I got stuck at work.

/stʌk/ /wɜːrk/

You know how today I had that presentation

/juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /təˈdeɪ/ /hæd/ /ðæt/ /ˌprɛzənˈteɪʃən/

On offshore dividend tax implications?

/ɒn/

Sure, I was totally paying attention

/ʃʊr/ /wɒz/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

When you talked about that.

/wɛn/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

Right, so I fire up the powerpoint...

/raɪt/ /faɪər/ /ʌp/

Um, barney? Barney?

Barney. Aah. Barney.

: Suit up.

/suːt/ /ʌp/

Hey, barney, we're going to order some food.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /sʌm/ /fuːd/

Okay, be out in a sec.

/biː/ /aʊt/

Okay.

Okay.

No.

/noʊ/

Out of the way!

/aʊt/ /weɪ/

Stay with me.

/steɪ/ /wɪð/ /miː/

It's not your time.

/jʊr/ /taɪm/

If anyone could fix something like this,

/ɪf/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /kʊd/ /fɪks/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /laɪk/

It was barney's personal tailor,

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈpɜːrsənl/

Tv's tim gunn. Tv's Tim Gunn.

I'm sorry, barney.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I couldn't make it work.

/meɪk/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrk/

So young.

/jʌŋ/

There's nothing else you could do?

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ɛls/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /duː/

No, but there is another suit

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /əˈnʌðər/ /suːt/

That can use the buttons from your suit.

/ðæt/ /kæn/ /juːz/ /jʊr/ /suːt/

That can...

/ðæt/ /kæn/

Like an organ donor?

/laɪk/ /ˈɔːrɡən/

Your suit's death could mean another suit's life.

/jʊr/ /dɛθ/ /kʊd/ /miːn/ /əˈnʌðər/ /laɪf/

But I...

/bʌt/

Do it.

/duː/ /ɪt/

You're doing the right thing.

/raɪt/ /θɪŋ/

Please don't cry on this.

/pliːz/ /kraɪ/ /ɒn/

It's silk. I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I know. I know.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

We cremated the remains.

/wiː/

His buttons saved the life

/hɪz/ /laɪf/

Of a sick little jacket on the upper east side.

/sɪk/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈdʒækɪt/ /ɒn/ /iːst/ /saɪd/

Well, at least now you can finally drop this quest

/wɛl/ /liːst/ /naʊ/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /drɒp/

For the so-called hot bartender.

/fɔːr/ /hɒt/

No.

/noʊ/

My suit gave its life

/maɪ/ /suːt/ /ɡeɪv/ /ɪts/ /laɪf/

For this cause,

/fɔːr/ /kɔːz/

And I will not rest until those...

/ænd/ /wɪl/ /rɛst/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ðoʊz/

I mean, that...

/miːn/ /ðæt/

I mean, she... Is mine.

/miːn/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /maɪn/

He's absolutely right.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /raɪt/

- Who, the guy kissing a jar full of dead suit ashes - that guy?

/huː/ /ɡaɪ/ /fʊl/ /dɛd/ /suːt/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

What if cindy is the woman I'm supposed to marry,

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /ɪz/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /ˈmæri/

And I'm just giving up?

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /ʌp/

So long, elegant, yet welcoming home in westchester

/lɔːŋ/ /jɛt/ /hoʊm/

With a sensible mortgage I can handle

/wɪð/ /kæn/ /ˈhændl/

Without dipping into my savings.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /maɪ/

Bye-bye, two kids I raised with a stern, yet loving hand,

/tuː/ /kɪdz/ /wɪð/ /jɛt/ /ˈlʌvɪŋ/ /hænd/

Finding the perfect balance between

/ˈfaɪndɪŋ/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /bɪˈtwiːn/

Father and friend.

/ˈfɑː.ðər/ /ænd/ /frɛnd/

Adios, triplet schnauzers, frank, lloyd and wright.

/ænd/

Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!

The point is,

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/

I'm not giving up, either!

/ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /ˈiː.ðər/

Ooh. Ooh.

I don't know why I just did that.

/noʊ/ /waɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /dɪd/ /ðæt/

Barney, I'm so sorry about your friend.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /frɛnd/

Tell me about him.

/tɛl/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɪm/

he was italian.

/hiː/ /wɒz/

Classy, elegant.

And boy, did he have a way with the ladies.

/ænd/ /bɔɪ/ /dɪd/ /hiː/ /hæv/ /weɪ/ /wɪð/

They just couldn't say no.

/ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /noʊ/

How old was he? Seven.

/haʊ/ /oʊld/ /wɒz/ /hiː/ /ˈsɛvən/

I miss him so much!

/mɪs/ /hɪm/ /mʌtʃ/

You shouldn't be alone tonight.

/juː/ /biː/ /əˈloʊn/ /təˈnaɪt/

I'm gonna end my shift early.

/ɛnd/ /maɪ/ /ʃɪft/ /ˈɜːr.li/

Thank you, old friend.

/juː/ /oʊld/ /frɛnd/

: You're going out with a bang.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/

Come on, marshall.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Just admit that she's hotter than me.

/dʒʌst/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ðæt/ /ˈhɒtər/ /ðæn/ /miː/

I won't be hurt.

/biː/ /hɜːrt/

Can't do it.

/duː/ /ɪt/

You're hotter.

/ˈhɒtər/

Oh, she's a goddess!

Her skin glows.

/hɜːr/ /skɪn/

Her legs go for miles.

/hɜːr/ /lɛɡz/ /ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /maɪlz/

And that ass?

/ænd/ /ðæt/

I would wear that thing for a hat.

/wʊd/ /wɛr/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /hæt/

Last night in bed, I'll admit it,

/læst/ /naɪt/ /bɛd/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ɪt/

She popped into my head a couple of times.

/ʃiː/ /maɪ/ /hɛd/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /taɪmz/

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you try...?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /traɪ/

Like, you think she's hotter than me?

/laɪk/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈhɒtər/ /ðæn/ /miː/

I never said that.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/

Oh, my god!

/maɪ/

You do.

/juː/ /duː/

It's apples and oranges.

/ænd/

She's younger than you.

/ðæn/ /juː/

I'm just saying, like,

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/

Me in my prime versus her in her prime.

/miː/ /maɪ/ /hɜːr/ /hɜːr/

Well...

/wɛl/

Oh, my god!

/maɪ/

You guys, her hotness isn't even real!

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hɜːr/ /ˈiːvən/ /riːl/

It's circumstantial hotness.

Watch.

/wɒtʃ/

she's my cherry she's my cherry pie

/maɪ/ /maɪ/ /paɪ/

cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise

/kuːl/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈwɔː.tər/ /sʌtʃ/ /swiːt/ /sərˈpraɪz/ /kuːl/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈwɔː.tər/ /sʌtʃ/ /swiːt/ /sərˈpraɪz/

taste so good, make a grown man cry... taste so good, make a grown man cry...

/teɪst/ /ɡʊd/ /meɪk/ /mæn/ /kraɪ/ /teɪst/ /ɡʊd/ /meɪk/ /mæn/ /kraɪ/

- I - I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too.

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈhɒtər/ /ðæn/ /miː/

wow wow!

What the hell are you doing?! What?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒt/

You're not allowed back here.

/bæk/ /hɪr/

Oh, no. Uh, I... Carl, look.

/noʊ/ /lʊk/

No. I-I don't want to go back.

/noʊ/ /wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/

Please, please, don't make me go back.

/pliːz/ /pliːz/ /meɪk/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/

You got to go. Don't. I...

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/

You got to go. I just...

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /dʒʌst/

No, carl. I was... I was somebody back there!

/noʊ/ /wɒz/ /wɒz/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /bæk/ /ðɛr/

Everybody loved me.

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /lʌvd/ /miː/

Hey. Hi.

Can we talk?

/kæn/ /wiː/ /tɔːk/

My roommate's just about to get out of the shower.

/maɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ˈʃaʊər/

Let's talk in my room.

/tɔːk/ /maɪ/ /ruːm/

Okay.

Look, cindy, I know

/lʊk/ /noʊ/

The university rulebook says we can't date.

/ˌjuːnɪˈvɜːrsɪti/ /wiː/ /deɪt/

But it also says, "don't teach drunk,"

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /tiːtʃ/ /drʌŋk/

And I do that all the time.

/ænd/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

The point is,

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/

I like you.

/laɪk/ /juː/

I do.

/duː/

You're sweet, you're funny.

/swiːt/ /ˈfʌn.i/

You're writing a dissertation

/ˈraɪtɪŋ/

Entitled,

Foreign direct investment

/ˈfɒrɪn/ /dɪˈrɛkt/

And intergenerational linkages and consumption behavior.

/ænd/ /ænd/

I mean, that is hot.

/miːn/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /hɒt/

I know this sounds crazy, but...

/noʊ/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /bʌt/

I feel like our paths are supposed to cross somehow.

/fiːl/ /laɪk/ /aʊər/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /krɒs/

And I don't want to miss out on knowing you.

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /mɪs/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/ /juː/

I don't want to miss out on knowing you, either.

/wɒnt/ /mɪs/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /ˈiː.ðər/

Look, I got to tell you,

/lʊk/ /tɛl/ /juː/

I mean, just from looking around your room,

/miːn/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈraʊnd/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/

I can tell we have a ton in common.

/kæn/ /tɛl/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈkɒmən/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

The unicorns?

Who will cut our hair when we're gone?

/huː/ /wɪl/ /kʌt/ /aʊər/ /hɛr/ /wɛn/ /ɡɔːn/

I have never met anyone else who has this album.

/hæv/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /ɛls/ /huː/ /hæz/ /ˈælbəm/

That's my roommate's. I borrowed it.

/maɪ/ /ɪt/

Oh.

Well, well, what about this?

/wɛl/ /wɛl/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

World's end by t.C. Boyle?

/ɛnd/

That was a birthday gift... From my roommate.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈbɜːrθdeɪ/ /ɡɪft/ /maɪ/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/

Haven't checked it out yet.

/ɪt/ /aʊt/ /jɛt/

Oh. Oh, you should.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/

It's-it's a good read.

/ɡʊd/ /riːd/

Well, what about this? This is ridiculous.

/wɛl/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪz/

You play bass?

/juː/ /pleɪ/ /beɪs/

Seriously, ask my friends.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /æsk/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/

I always say, my ideal woman...

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /seɪ/ /maɪ/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

Does not play bass, because this is clearly your roommate's.

/dʌz/ /pleɪ/ /beɪs/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪz/ /ˈklɪərli/ /jʊr/

She's in a band.

/bænd/

: Damn, that's cool.

/kuːl/

This is unbelievable.

/ɪz/

You just picked out the only three things in here

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /aʊt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /θriː/ /θɪŋz/ /hɪr/

That are my roommate's.

/ðæt/ /maɪ/

So, does your roommate's band ever play shows, or...? Get out.

/dʌz/ /jʊr/ /bænd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /pleɪ/ /ʃoʊz/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/

Kids, as you probably guessed,

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /ˈprɒbəbli/

That wasn't the night I met your mother.

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

Although I think I glimpsed her foot.

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /θɪŋk/ /hɜːr/ /fʊt/

But I did get a little bit closer

/bʌt/ /dɪd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

To meeting the woman of my dreams.

/ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /maɪ/ /driːmz/

And your mom-

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/

Well, she got her yellow umbrella back.

/wɛl/ /ʃiː/ /hɜːr/ /ˈjɛloʊ/ /ʌmˈbrɛlə/ /bæk/

It was just so special, you know?

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈspɛʃəl/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I feel like we should give him a moment of silence.

/fiːl/ /laɪk/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

Followed by, like, 20 minutes of grunting.

/laɪk/

I'm gonna make you feel all better.

/meɪk/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /ɔːl/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Let me just go freshen up.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /ʌp/

All right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Oh, wait. No, no, that's not the bathroom!

/weɪt/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ˈbæθruːm/

That...

/ðæt/

Are these yours?

/ðiːz/ /jɔːrz/

I'm suit-sitting for someone.

/fɔːr/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

Barney, you lied to me.

/juː/ /laɪd/ /miː/

You have to choose right now.

/juː/ /hæv/ /tʃuːz/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Me... Or the suits.

/miː/

I know what you're thinkin', "what's barney been drinkin

/noʊ/ /wɒt/

that girl was smokin' hot

/ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɒz/ /hɒt/

yes, I coulda nailed her, but no, it's not a failure

/hɜːr/ /bʌt/ /noʊ/

'cause there's one thing she is not

/kɔːz/ /θɪŋ/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/

to score a ten would be just fine

/skɔːr/ /tɛn/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /dʒʌst/ /faɪn/

but I'd rather be dressed to the nines

/bʌt/ /ˈrɑːðər/ /biː/

it's a truth you can't refute

/truːθ/ /juː/

nothin' suits me like a suit!

/miː/ /laɪk/ /suːt/

picture a world

/ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /wɜːrld/

where all the boys and girls are impeccably well-dressed!

/wɛr/ /ɔːl/ /bɔɪz/ /ænd/ /ɡɜːrlz/

that delivery guy in a jacket and tie

/ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈdʒækɪt/ /ænd/ /taɪ/

that puppy in a double breast

/ðæt/ /ˈdʌbəl/

that eighties dude with muttonchops

/ðæt/ /wɪð/

that baby with a lollipop!

/ðæt/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /wɪð/

that lady cop who's kinda cute

/ðæt/ /ˈleɪdi/ /kjuːt/

nothing suits them like a suit

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ðɛm/ /laɪk/ /suːt/

suits a wingman I can wear!

/kæn/ /wɛr/

suits!ª they're, oh, so debonair i>

suits Vest!

the perfect way to snare a girl with daddy issues

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /weɪ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɪð/ /ˈdædi/

suitsin navy blue or black

/bluː/ /blæk/

check out this perfect rack

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

I want to give them a squeeze

/wɒnt/ /ɡɪv/ /ðɛm/

Oh, really!

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

then answer these questions

/ðɛn/ /ˈæn.sər/ /ðiːz/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

if you please

/ɪf/ /juː/ /pliːz/

what would you do if you had to choose

/wɒt/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /hæd/ /tʃuːz/

between your suits and a pot of gold?

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /jʊr/ /ænd/ /pɒt/

suits Vest

what would you say if you gave your suits away

/wɒt/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ɡeɪv/ /jʊr/ /əˈweɪ/

and in return you'd never grow old?

/ænd/ /rɪˈtɜːrn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡroʊ/ /oʊld/

suits Vest

what would you pick: One million chicks

/wɒt/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /pɪk/ /ˈmɪljən/ /tʃɪks/

or a single three-piece suit?

/ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /suːt/

It's moot.

what if world peace were within your reach?

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /wɜːrld/ /piːs/ /wɜːr/ /jʊr/ /riːtʃ/

I'm gonna stop you right there.

/stɒp/ /juː/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/

It's suits. Vest.

Come on, lily, get your head out of your ass.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/

Two, three, four!

/tuː/ /θriː/

girls will go and girls will come

/ɡɜːrlz/ /wɪl/ /ɡoʊ/ /ænd/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /wɪl/ /kʌm/

but there's only one absolute

/bʌt/ /ˈoʊnli/

every bro on the go needs to know

/ˈɛv.ri/ /broʊ/ /ɒn/ /ɡoʊ/ /noʊ/

that there's no accepted substitute

/ðæt/ /noʊ/

I'm sorry, suits, let's make amends

/ˈsɒr.i/ /meɪk/

my Sunday best are my best friends!

/maɪ/ /ˈsʌndeɪ/ /bɛst/ /maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛndz/

send casual Friday down the laundry chute

/sɛnd/ /daʊn/ /ˈlɔːndri/

cause nothing suits the undisputed

/kɔːz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

oft-saluted suitor of repute

like...

/laɪk/

a

Wait for it.

/weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

suit

/suːt/

nothing suits him

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /hɪm/

like suit

/laɪk/ /suːt/

suit! Up! Suit! Up

/suːt/ /ʌp/ /suːt/ /ʌp/

suit up! Suit up

/suːt/ /ʌp/ /suːt/ /ʌp/

suit Vest

/suːt/

Then again, she is pretty hot.

/ðɛn/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈprɪti/ /hɒt/

I choose you, baby.

/tʃuːz/ /juː/ /ˈbeɪbi/

First thing tomorrow, I'm getting rid of these suits.

/fɜːrst/ /θɪŋ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ðiːz/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Yeah. Yeah.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

You guys are fine.