Season 5 · Tập 14

Kids, we all have different ways of dealing with nerves.

/kɪdz/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /hæv/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /weɪz/ /wɪð/

It'll just be a few more minutes, Mr. Stinson.

/dʒʌst/ /biː/ /fjuː/ /mɔːr/

Some people chew their nails. Some people tap their feet.

/sʌm/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ðɛr/ /sʌm/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ðɛr/ /fiːt/

And some people imagine they're being interviewed by renowned sportscaster,

/ænd/ /sʌm/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/

Jim Nantz. Jim Nantz.

Hello, friends. Every sport has had an icon who transcends the game.

/frɛndz/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /spɔːrt/ /hæz/ /hæd/ /huː/ /ɡeɪm/

Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan,

/hæd/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /hæd/

and the sport of sleeping with random hotties

/ænd/ /spɔːrt/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /wɪð/

has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson.

/hæz/ /maɪ/ /nɛkst/

- Barney, welcome. - Thanks, Jim.

/ˈwɛlkəm/

- Great to be back on the show. - Good to have you with us.

/ɡreɪt/ /biː/ /bæk/ /ɒn/ /ʃoʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /hæv/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/

And, you know, the stats, they really speak for themselves.

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /spiːk/ /fɔːr/

Over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions,

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /sɪks/ /ˈsɛkʃuəl/

and not a single fatty. It's impressive.

/ænd/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

And with all these accomplishments though,

/ænd/ /wɪð/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /ðoʊ/

there's one laurel that's always eluded you,

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /juː/

which brings us to last week. What was the story there?

/wɪtʃ/ /brɪŋz/ /ʌs/ /læst/ /wiːk/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ðɛr/

Buckle up, Jimbo. This one's a doozy.

/ʌp/

It all started when I decided to set myself a little challenge.

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /wɛn/ /sɛt/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/

- Oh, my God. - Whoa! He's calling his shot.

/maɪ/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /hɪz/ /ʃɒt/

Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now, that's who I'm going home with tonight.

/ɡɜːrl/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /huː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hoʊm/ /wɪð/ /təˈnaɪt/

And,

/ænd/

play ball!

/pleɪ/ /bɔːl/

Hey. How'd the date with Dale go?

/deɪt/ /wɪð/ /ɡoʊ/

You know, sometimes that guy, with the horn-rimmed glasses

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /wɪð/

and a Smurfs T-shirt, is just being ironic.

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/

Sometimes he is a dork with a lazy eye

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /wɪð/ /ˈleɪzi/ /aɪ/

and a love-hate relationship with Gargamel.

/ænd/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /wɪð/

Robin, just because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character on a first date,

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɡaɪ/ /lɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɒn/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪt/

doesn't mean he's not husband material.

/miːn/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

Sasquatch isn't fictional.

That was quick.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /kwɪk/

So, night one was pretty routine.

/naɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɪti/ /ruːˈtiːn/

Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ruːˈtiːn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /weɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /daʊn/

Respect. Take us to night two.

/rɪˈspɛkt/ /teɪk/ /ʌs/ /naɪt/ /tuː/

See that hotty over there nursing a Black Russian?

/siː/ /ðæt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/ /blæk/

She's about to chase that with a white American. Up top!

/əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/ /wɪð/ /ʌp/ /tɒp/

You know, if you're not careful, you're gonna lose me.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /ˈkɛr.fəl/ /luːz/ /miː/

Hey, guys, what should I say when Dale calls for a second date?

/ɡaɪz/ /wɒt/ /ʃʊd/ /seɪ/ /wɛn/ /kɔːlz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /deɪt/

How do you know he's gonna call?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /kɔːl/

You're cute, Marshall,

/kjuːt/

but I think Mama knows when a dude's digging the show.

/bʌt/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈmɑːmə/ /wɛn/ /ʃoʊ/

I mean, he couldn't keep his good eye off of me.

/miːn/ /hiː/ /kiːp/ /hɪz/ /ɡʊd/ /aɪ/ /ɒf/ /miː/

Well, let him down easy. People are fragile.

/wɛl/ /lɛt/ /hɪm/ /daʊn/ /ˈiː.zi/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

Sometimes without even meaning to,

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈmiː.nɪŋ/

you might rip someone's beating heart out and stomp on it

/juː/ /maɪt/ /hɑːrt/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

in a roomful of 26 people and a teacher's assistant.

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /ænd/ /əˈsɪstənt/

- How did school go today, Ted? - Something bad happened.

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /skuːl/ /ɡoʊ/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /bæd/ /ˈhæpənd/

It was the first class of the new semester.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /fɜːrst/ /klæs/ /njuː/ /sɪˈmɛstər/

Jamie Adamic? Hi.

Brian Glowatz, Glowatz? Hi. Brian Glowatz, Glowatz?

Well done. Adding a fake name to the sign-up sheet.

/wɛl/ /dʌn/ /feɪk/ /neɪm/

That's real original, guys.

/riːl/ /əˈrɪdʒɪnəl/ /ɡaɪz/

You know, I'd expect inspired minds such as yours to be a little more mature

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪkˈspɛkt/ /sʌtʃ/ /jɔːrz/ /biː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/

and, frankly, more creative.

/ænd/ /mɔːr/ /kriˈeɪtɪv/

I mean, seriously, what kind of a fake name is Cook Pu?

/miːn/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/ /wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /feɪk/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/ /kʊk/

Here.

/hɪr/

Come on, guys. It's gotta at least sound real. Cook Pu?

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɡaɪz/ /liːst/ /saʊnd/ /riːl/ /kʊk/

Here.

/hɪr/

Whatever happened to classics, right. You know, Seymour Butts?

/ˈhæpənd/ /raɪt/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Hugh Gerection? Those were fake names. But Cook Pu?

/ðoʊz/ /wɜːr/ /feɪk/ /bʌt/ /kʊk/

- Here. - Cook Pu!

/hɪr/ /kʊk/

She's back here, bro.

/bæk/ /hɪr/ /broʊ/

All right, come on. Let me have it. Bring on all the Cook Pu jokes.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /hæv/ /ɪt/ /brɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ɔːl/ /kʊk/ /dʒoʊks/

Oh, we're not gonna make jokes, Ted.

/meɪk/ /dʒoʊks/

That girl must be really down in the dumps.

/ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /mʌst/ /biː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /daʊn/

You really smeared the Pu name.

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /neɪm/

You guys finished?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈfɪnɪʃt/

Are you asking us if all the Pu is out of our system?

/juː/ /ʌs/ /ɪf/ /ɔːl/ /ɪz/ /aʊt/ /aʊər/ /ˈsɪstəm/

Wow, back-to-back nights. Barney is on fire.

/ɪz/ /ɒn/ /faɪər/

That girl's lucky. Barney was the best sex I ever had.

/ðæt/ /ˈlʌki/ /wɒz/ /bɛst/ /sɛks/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/

And he's the best friend I've ever had.

/ænd/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/

- He's everything I want Marshall to be. - He's everything I wish I could be.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /wɪʃ/ /kʊd/ /biː/

I'm just assuming that's what they say when I'm not around.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒt/ /ðeɪ/ /seɪ/ /wɛn/ /əˈraʊnd/

I buy it. You're awesome.

/baɪ/ /ɪt/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Now, night three. Paint us a word picture.

/naʊ/ /naɪt/ /θriː/ /peɪnt/ /ʌs/ /wɜːrd/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/

Jim, I could tell I was on a roll, so I decided to mix things up a little bit.

/kʊd/ /tɛl/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /roʊl/ /mɪks/ /θɪŋz/ /ʌp/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

- I think I'm gonna go small boobs tonight. - You're disgusting.

/θɪŋk/ /ɡoʊ/ /smɔːl/ /təˈnaɪt/ /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/

Lily, they're people, too.

/ˈpiː.pəl/

- Here's your burgers. - Thank you.

/jʊr/ /juː/

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

/ˈwɛlkəm/

What, you're not sharing? You two always share a burger.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /tuː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ʃɛr/ /ˈbɜːrɡər/

No, we don't.

/noʊ/ /wiː/

We're not, like, weirdoes who share everything.

/laɪk/ /huː/ /ʃɛr/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

- Yeah, you are. - That's exactly what you are.

/juː/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /juː/

We're perfectly normal!

/ˈnɔːrməl/

Guys, what's going on?

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

You know how Lily and I have been looking for new couple friends

/juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /fɔːr/ /njuː/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /frɛndz/

ever since we lost Robin and Barney, and Ted and Stella,

/ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/ /wiː/ /lɒst/ /ænd/ /ænd/ /ænd/

and Ted and Robin, and Ted and Victoria?

/ænd/ /ænd/ /ænd/ /ænd/

Geez, Ted, when are you gonna get your life together?

/wɛn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

How'd we end up here?

/wiː/ /ɛnd/ /ʌp/ /hɪr/

We went on a great double date last night.

/wiː/ /wɛnt/ /ɒn/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈdʌbəl/ /deɪt/ /læst/ /naɪt/

We were cool. We were casual. We didn't spaz out.

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /kuːl/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /wiː/ /aʊt/

And then one tiny little detail came out

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈtaɪni/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /aʊt/

- and the whole night was ruined. - Ruined!

/ænd/ /hoʊl/ /naɪt/ /wɒz/

And Joanna's toothbrush flips off the side of the sink,

/ænd/ /ɒf/ /saɪd/

hits the ceiling and falls right into the toilet.

/ˈsiːlɪŋ/ /ænd/ /raɪt/ /ˈtɔɪlɪt/

Come on. That's crazy.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Last week, the same thing happened to our toothbrush.

/læst/ /wiːk/ /seɪm/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/ /aʊər/

"Our" toothbrush?

/aʊər/

"Our" toothbrush?

/aʊər/

"Our" toothbrush?

/aʊər/

- Yeah. - Like, one toothbrush?

/laɪk/

That you both use?

/ðæt/ /juː/ /boʊθ/ /juːz/

Every day?

/ˈɛv.ri/ /deɪ/

Is that weird?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/

Super weird.

/ˈsuːpər/

Marshall, four out of five dentists just threw up in their mouths.

/aʊt/ /faɪv/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /ðɛr/

Hey, check it out. Barney's leaving with another girl.

/tʃɛk/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ɡɜːrl/

Wow, three girls in three nights? That's gross even for Barney.

/θriː/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /θriː/ /ˈiːvən/ /fɔːr/

Gross? Are you kidding? He's on his way to a Perfect...

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /hɪz/ /weɪ/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

Oh! Don't say it! You'll jinx it.

/seɪ/ /ɪt/ /ɪt/

Jinx what?

/wɒt/

I was on my way toward

/wɒz/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/

a Perfect Week!

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/

The Perfect Week. Seven nights, seven girls, zero rejections.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/ /ˈsɛvən/ /ˈsɛvən/ /ɡɜːrlz/

Incredible. I mean, it's really like the sexual equivalent

/miːn/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /laɪk/ /ˈsɛkʃuəl/

of baseball's perfect game. But even rarer.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ɡeɪm/ /bʌt/ /ˈiːvən/

Yeah. The only player in history to have ever achieved both

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈpleɪər/ /ˈhɪstəri/ /hæv/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /boʊθ/

was Mustache Pete Drexel, back in 1896.

/wɒz/ /bæk/

Now this wasn't the first time you'd come close to a Perfect Week.

/naʊ/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /kʌm/ /kloʊs/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/

You learn the hard way, though. One mistake, and it's all over.

/juː/ /lɜːrn/ /hɑːrd/ /weɪ/ /ðoʊ/ /mɪˈsteɪk/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Sometimes, a teammate makes an error.

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/

Sometimes, one wild pitch...

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /waɪld/

You, me, the canned-food aisle in the bodega next door.

/juː/ /miː/ /nɛkst/ /dɔːr/

...leads to a walk.

/wɔːk/

And sometimes, you just lose focus, and it almost always leads to a hit.

/ænd/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /luːz/ /ˈfoʊkəs/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

But this week, you were three-for-three, with no sign of slowing down.

/bʌt/ /wiːk/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /wɪð/ /noʊ/ /saɪn/ /daʊn/

I could do no wrong.

/kʊd/ /duː/ /noʊ/ /rɒŋ/

Wish I could say the same for my friends.

/wɪʃ/ /kʊd/ /seɪ/ /seɪm/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/

Cook didn't show up for class today.

/kʊk/ /ʃoʊ/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /klæs/ /təˈdeɪ/

I'm sorry, Cook?

/ˈsɒr.i/ /kʊk/

Yeah, Ted, we know, like, a ton of people named Cook.

/wiː/ /noʊ/ /laɪk/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /neɪmd/ /kʊk/

Yeah.

Cook Pu. Cook Pu.

/kʊk/ /kʊk/

Uh-oh. Here we go. The dreaded Dale call.

/hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /kɔːl/

Oh! It's my mom.

/maɪ/ /mɒm/

She's going through some pretty major league health stuff.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /sʌm/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈmeɪdʒər/ /liːɡ/ /stʌf/

God, why won't that guy call?

/waɪ/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /kɔːl/

- Wait a minute, you want him to call? - No. Shut up.

/weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /hɪm/ /kɔːl/ /noʊ/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

Don't you guys have, like, a toothbrush to share, or something?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæv/ /laɪk/ /ʃɛr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Yeah. When did you guys even start doing that anyway?

/wɛn/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈiːvən/ /stɑːrt/ /ðæt/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

Like, years ago. You should know. We lived with you.

/laɪk/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /noʊ/ /wiː/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Yeah, but you always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈbɛdruːm/

Also weird, by the way.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /weɪ/

No, we kept it in the bathroom.

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /ɪt/ /ˈbæθruːm/

No. There was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine.

/noʊ/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈbæθruːm/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /maɪn/

Wait. Are you saying that for eight years,

/weɪt/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /fɔːr/ /eɪt/

all three of you shared one toothbrush?

/ɔːl/ /θriː/ /juː/

- Oh, my God. - Kill me!

/maɪ/ /kɪl/ /miː/

- I love this so much! - Kill me!

/lʌv/ /mʌtʃ/ /kɪl/ /miː/

So, you're through four nights. You're over the hump.

/θruː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

- Nice, Jim. - Hey, I try. I'm no you.

/naɪs/ /traɪ/ /noʊ/ /juː/

But then came night five, and with it, trouble.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /naɪt/ /faɪv/ /ænd/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/ /ˈtrʌbəl/

Beer here!

/bɪər/ /hɪr/

Thanks.

Hey, how's Barney doing tonight?

/təˈnaɪt/

Cool as a cucumber, just like he's been all week.

/kuːl/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ɔːl/ /wiːk/

- Yeah? That's hard to believe. - Why?

/hɑːrd/ /bɪˈliːv/ /waɪ/

Apparently, this big merger fell through last week,

/bɪɡ/ /θruː/ /læst/ /wiːk/

and Barney's being blamed for it.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

That's weird. He hasn't said anything.

/hiː/ /sɛd/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Look, I work with the guy. I didn't find out until this afternoon,

/lʊk/ /wɜːrk/ /wɪð/ /ɡaɪ/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ˌæftərˈnuːn/

when I walked by his boss's office.

/wɛn/ /hɪz/ /ˈɒfɪs/

You cost this company, Stinson!

/juː/ /kɒst/ /ˈkʌmpəni/

I've never seen Barney look that scared.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /lʊk/ /ðæt/ /skɛrd/

I think he's gonna get fired.

/θɪŋk/ /ɡɛt/ /faɪərd/

I can't believe Barney might get fired.

/bɪˈliːv/ /maɪt/ /ɡɛt/ /faɪərd/

Yeah, they're having a meeting on Friday

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /ɒn/

to determine whether or not he keeps his job.

/ˈwɛðər/ /hiː/ /hɪz/ /dʒɒb/

Poor guy. He must be freaking out.

/pʊr/ /ɡaɪ/ /hiː/ /mʌst/ /biː/ /aʊt/

- I'm gonna go talk to him. - Wait, no!

/ɡoʊ/ /tɔːk/ /hɪm/ /weɪt/ /noʊ/

You can't distract the man in the middle of you know what!

/juː/ /mæn/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Oh, come on! This is his career!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɪz/ /hɪz/ /kəˈrɪr/

This is much more important than some stupid Perfect...

/ɪz/ /mʌtʃ/ /mɔːr/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ðæn/ /sʌm/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

Okay.

You can lick my hand as long as you want.

/juː/ /kæn/ /maɪ/ /hænd/ /lɔːŋ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

I'm not gonna let you ruin his...

/lɛt/ /juː/ /ˈruːɪn/ /hɪz/

- Guys, we need to talk to him. - I'll go. He needs a bro.

/ɡaɪz/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/ /hɪm/ /ɡoʊ/ /hiː/ /broʊ/

- Hey, buddy. - Hey.

/ˈbʌdi/

- Everything all right? - Absolutely. Sure. Top of the world.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ʃʊr/ /tɒp/ /wɜːrld/

Who am I kidding? I need your help.

/huː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /niːd/ /jʊr/ /hɛlp/

Anything, buddy. What is it?

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈbʌdi/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Which one of these girls looks the dumbest?

/wɪtʃ/ /ðiːz/ /ɡɜːrlz/

All right, kid. Let's check the scouting report.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /kɪd/ /tʃɛk/ /rɪˈpɔːrt/

What about the heater?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

High and outside?

/haɪ/ /ænd/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

All right. I'd go with the slider.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/

- Thanks, Skip. - Yo.

/skɪp/

So, what'd he say?

/hiː/ /seɪ/

Hmm? Oh! Hmm? Oh!

Yeah, he's gonna take a swat at that hamburglar over there.

/teɪk/ /ðæt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

You were supposed to talk to him about losing his job.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /tɔːk/ /hɪm/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɪz/ /dʒɒb/

Lily, how is forcing him to dwell on a problem he can do nothing about

/haʊ/ /ɪz/ /hɪm/ /ɒn/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /hiː/ /kæn/ /duː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

- gonna help him? - How is ignoring it gonna solve anything?

/hɛlp/ /hɪm/ /haʊ/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /sɒlv/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Well, you ignored good dental hygiene for the better part of a decade

/wɛl/ /juː/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈdɛntəl/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /pɑːrt/

- and you seem... - Cook Pu!

/ænd/ /juː/ /siːm/ /kʊk/

- Cook Pu. - Dale call yet?

/kʊk/ /kɔːl/ /jɛt/

- No. Why are you... - Guys, guys, guys, look!

/noʊ/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɡaɪz/ /lʊk/

Barney, we gotta stop you for a second. There's something I have to ask.

/wiː/ /stɒp/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /hæv/ /æsk/

Have you ever used performance-enhancing drugs?

/hæv/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

No, sir. I respect the game too much.

/noʊ/ /sɜːr/ /rɪˈspɛkt/ /ɡeɪm/ /mʌtʃ/

Although, I can't say I haven't been offered.

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /seɪ/

Dude, it was pretty awesome.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈɔːsəm/

You should try it. I have some more.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /traɪ/ /ɪt/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /mɔːr/

- No, thanks. - You sure?

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ʃʊr/

All right. Suit yourself.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /suːt/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

What time is it?

/wɒt/ /taɪm/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

- It's 8:00. - 8:00?

I need to go to the hospital.

/niːd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/

I've never touched the stuff. You can test me if you want to, Nantz.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /stʌf/ /juː/ /kæn/ /tɛst/ /miː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

Barney, I trust you. I regret I even asked you the question, okay.

/trʌst/ /juː/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/ /ˈiːvən/ /juː/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

Let's go to night six. Two girls away from perfection.

/ɡoʊ/ /naɪt/ /sɪks/ /tuː/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /əˈweɪ/

- Honest to God. - Hey. Hey.

/ˈɒnɪst/

Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar.

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/ /ɡɛt/ /daʊn/ /bɑːr/

Ted, relax. I'm already six-for-six.

/rɪˈlæks/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

- Really? - Yeah.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

I was lunching at Tavern on the Green.

/wɒz/ /ɒn/ /ɡriːn/

I started chatting up this Swedish supermodel.

/ʌp/

Next thing you know, I'm playing a day game

/nɛkst/ /θɪŋ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /deɪ/ /ɡeɪm/

in the back of a horse-drawn carriage.

/bæk/

Giddy-what-up.

Awesome. What really happened?

/ˈɔːsəm/ /wɒt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈhæpənd/

I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's and banged a drunk hairdresser.

/hæd/ /lʌntʃ/ /ˈaɪlənd/ /ænd/ /drʌŋk/

Are you happy, Truthy McGee?

/juː/ /ˈhæp.i/

Barney, we know you might get fired. Wait. You have to talk about this.

/wiː/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /ɡɛt/ /faɪərd/ /weɪt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

You are just using meaningless sex to distract yourself

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /sɛks/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

- from a really serious issue. - It is not meaningless, okay?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /ˈɪʃuː/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

Number five and I really connected.

/ˈnʌmbər/ /faɪv/ /ænd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

She's going back to school, or has a kid in school,

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /bæk/ /skuːl/ /hæz/ /kɪd/ /skuːl/

something about school!

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /skuːl/

So, today, one of my students told me Cook is dropping my class.

/təˈdeɪ/ /maɪ/ /ˈstjuːdənts/ /toʊld/ /miː/ /kʊk/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /klæs/

Oh, my God. Pu dropped out?

/maɪ/ /aʊt/

She is flushing her education down the toilet.

/ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /hɜːr/ /daʊn/ /ˈtɔɪlɪt/

Any word from Dale?

/ˈɛn.i/ /wɜːrd/

It's only been five days. He's gonna call.

/ˈoʊnli/ /faɪv/ /kɔːl/

Why do you care anyway? You said he was a total dork.

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /kɛr/ /ˈɛniweɪ/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

Do not talk about Dale that way, okay! He is twice the man you will ever be!

/duː/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /mæn/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /biː/

And God forbid, if you can't find another job, sell your place.

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /faɪnd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /dʒɒb/ /sɛl/ /jʊr/ /pleɪs/

Marshall and I have an extra room. You can stay there as long as you need.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈɛkstrə/ /ruːm/ /juː/ /kæn/ /steɪ/ /ðɛr/ /lɔːŋ/ /juː/ /niːd/

Make sure you bring your own toothbrush.

/meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /brɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/

Lily, what are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

Talking to my friend who's going through a really tough time.

/maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /taɪm/

He's doing fine.

/faɪn/

Trying to sleep with seven women in seven nights is not doing fine.

/sliːp/ /wɪð/ /ˈsɛvən/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /ˈsɛvən/ /ɪz/ /faɪn/

It's a cry for help.

/kraɪ/ /fɔːr/ /hɛlp/

Barney's whole life is a cry for help.

/hoʊl/ /laɪf/ /ɪz/ /kraɪ/ /fɔːr/ /hɛlp/

But you don't mess with a man when he's in the middle of a...

/bʌt/ /juː/ /mɛs/ /wɪð/ /mæn/ /wɛn/ /ˈmɪdəl/

What? Perfect Week?

/wɒt/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/

Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Grow up!

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/ /ɡroʊ/ /ʌp/

Unbelievable. You know, there's two things you don't do.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /tuː/ /θɪŋz/ /juː/ /duː/

One, you don't open an e-mail from Phil Simms in front of your kids.

/juː/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /jʊr/ /kɪdz/

And two, you don't jinx a man going for a Perfect Week.

/ænd/ /tuː/ /juː/ /mæn/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/

I don't know what to tell you. Lily's always messing with me.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /wɪð/ /miː/

I think she has a thing for the Barnacle.

/θɪŋk/ /ʃiː/ /hæz/ /θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/

You're a keen observer of the human condition, Jim Nantz.

/ˈhjuːmən/

- I can't believe you jinxed him. - He doesn't stand a chance out there.

/bɪˈliːv/ /juː/ /hɪm/ /hiː/ /stænd/ /tʃæns/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Okay, question. If I ruined everything,

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /ɪf/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

why is Barney totally hitting it off with third-martini-girl over there?

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/ /wɪð/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

- Oh, my God! - He's gonna do it.

/maɪ/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Yeah. See, there is no such thing as a jinx.

/siː/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋ/

Tell me she didn't say, "There's no such thing as a jinx."

/tɛl/ /miː/ /ʃiː/ /seɪ/ /noʊ/ /sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋ/

Wish I could.

/wɪʃ/ /kʊd/

You were about to achieve something so beautiful.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /əˈtʃiːv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

Well, thanks to her, the only thing that could ruin a surefire hook-up

/wɛl/ /hɜːr/ /ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /kʊd/ /ˈruːɪn/

was about to walk through that door.

/wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɔːk/ /θruː/ /ðæt/ /dɔːr/

A member of the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees.

/wɜːrld/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Lily, I'm getting my own toothbrush.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/

Well, I guess that's it. Barney's streak ends at six.

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /ɪt/ /sɪks/

What? Why? Because that guy with the weird hair just walked in?

/wɒt/ /waɪ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /wɪð/ /hɛr/ /dʒʌst/

That's Nick Swisher. He's a New York Yankee.

/njuː/ /jɔːrk/

No normal guy in New York City can compete with a Yankee.

/noʊ/ /ˈnɔːrməl/ /ɡaɪ/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /kæn/ /kəmˈpiːt/ /wɪð/

And it doesn't even have to be a current Yankee. When I first moved here,

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /ˈiːvən/ /hæv/ /biː/ /ˈkɜːrənt/ /wɛn/ /fɜːrst/ /hɪr/

I was on a fourth date with a girl I really liked,

/wɒz/ /ɒn/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

until I got rack-jacked by Phil Rizzuto.

/ənˈtɪl/

- I was there. Holy cow, that guy had game. - Mmm-hmm.

/wɒz/ /ðɛr/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /hæd/ /ɡeɪm/

No, I'm not seeing it.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/

Okay, let me try to Canada this up for you, eh?

/lɛt/ /miː/ /traɪ/ /ˈkænədə/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

How would you react if one of those Cachuck guys

/haʊ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /ɪf/ /ðoʊz/ /ɡaɪz/

with the skates and the sticks walked in here?

/wɪð/ /ænd/ /hɪr/

Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here,

/ɪf/ /hɪr/

my panties would drop so hard there would be a hole in the floor

/maɪ/ /wʊd/ /drɒp/ /hɑːrd/ /ðɛr/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /flɔːr/

halfway to China.

- That's what it's like with the Yankees. - Barney's screwed.

/wɒt/ /laɪk/ /wɪð/

It's happening. Look.

/ˈhæpənɪŋ/ /lʊk/

Hey, wanna come over and look at my snow globe collection?

/kʌm/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/ /lʊk/ /maɪ/ /kəˈlekʃən/

- Snow globe collection? - He's throwing junk out there!

/kəˈlekʃən/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

That is Nick Swisher.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

- Good effort. - Good game. Good game.

/ɡʊd/ /ɡʊd/ /ɡeɪm/ /ɡʊd/ /ɡeɪm/

- Good game. Good game. - Not good enough.

/ɡʊd/ /ɡeɪm/ /ɡʊd/ /ɡeɪm/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

This whole week was a waste.

/hoʊl/ /wiːk/ /wɒz/ /weɪst/

And tomorrow, I'm gonna get fired.

/ænd/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /faɪərd/

I'm really sorry, dude.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsɒr.i/

But for what it's worth, this week wasn't a waste.

/bʌt/ /fɔːr/ /wɒt/ /wɜːrθ/ /wiːk/ /weɪst/

We were all having a really horrible week and you took our minds off it.

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ɔːl/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/ /wiːk/ /ænd/ /juː/ /tʊk/ /aʊər/ /ɒf/ /ɪt/

Yeah. I had my first student drop my class. It sucked.

/hæd/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈstuː.dənt/ /drɒp/ /maɪ/ /klæs/ /ɪt/

I met my soul mate and he never called me back.

/maɪ/ /ænd/ /hiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /miː/ /bæk/

I mean, yet. He will. He will.

/miːn/ /jɛt/ /hiː/ /wɪl/ /hiː/ /wɪl/

We scared off a really great couple just because we share a toothbrush.

/wiː/ /skɛrd/ /ɒf/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /wiː/ /ʃɛr/

You share a toothbrush!

/juː/ /ʃɛr/

- Well, them and Ted. - What?

/wɛl/ /ðɛm/ /ænd/ /wɒt/

Wait a second. When we were dating you borrowed that toothbrush all the time.

/weɪt/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

And that's when Aunt Lily realized what's great about sports.

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ænt/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ɡreɪt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /spɔːrts/

They take your mind off your troubles, if only for a moment.

/ðeɪ/ /teɪk/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/ /ɒf/ /jʊr/ /ɪf/ /ˈoʊnli/ /fɔːr/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

And deep down, we all needed that Perfect Week.

/ænd/ /diːp/ /daʊn/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/

The second she sits down next to Swisher it's all over.

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ʃiː/ /daʊn/ /nɛkst/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Wait a minute! Aldrin's got a bead on her!

/weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /ɒn/ /hɜːr/

She's running out of room. She dives, and...

/ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /ruːm/ /ʃiː/ /ænd/

And I have no idea where she's going with this.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /wɛr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɪð/

- Oh, my God! Are you okay? - Yeah. Sorry, I'm such a klutz.

/maɪ/ /juː/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /sʌtʃ/

Oh! Thanks. I think I twisted my ankle.

/θɪŋk/ /maɪ/

- Can you get me some ice? - Of course.

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /miː/ /sʌm/ /aɪs/ /kɔːrs/

Oh, my God. She did it! I guess there is no such thing as a jinx!

/maɪ/ /ʃiː/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛs/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋ/

Oh, I'll get you some ice, Lily.

/ɡɛt/ /juː/ /sʌm/ /aɪs/

Damn it! Swisher's back in play.

/ɪt/ /bæk/ /pleɪ/

- Swisher's back in play! - Follow me.

/bæk/ /pleɪ/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /miː/

Hey, Nick Swisher, this guy and his wife share a toothbrush!

/ɡaɪ/ /ænd/ /hɪz/ /waɪf/ /ʃɛr/

- So? - So, that's weird, right?

/raɪt/

Actually, I think it's kind of sweet.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /θɪŋk/ /kaɪnd/ /swiːt/

In a way, aren't we all trying to find that special someone

/weɪ/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /faɪnd/ /ðæt/ /ˈspɛʃəl/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

to share a toothbrush with?

/ʃɛr/ /wɪð/

Excuse me. Lily, Nick Swisher thinks we're sweet.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /swiːt/

Martini?

We're having a beer with a New York Yankee. How cool is that!

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /bɪər/ /wɪð/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /haʊ/ /kuːl/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Oh! It's amazing. I totally follow baseball.

/əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /ˈbeɪsbɔːl/

Mookie Wilson, is that a thing?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋ/

Yeah, baseball, it's amazing. But I tell you one thing, it's no hockey.

/ˈbeɪsbɔːl/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /θɪŋ/ /noʊ/ /ˈhɒki/

I live right upstairs.

/lɪv/ /raɪt/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/

What do you say we go back to my place?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

Wow, to be honest, I don't normally do that,

/biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /ˈnɔːrməli/ /duː/ /ðæt/

but I feel a real connection here, Seven. Christy.

/bʌt/ /fiːl/ /riːl/ /hɪr/ /ˈsɛvən/

Please.

/pliːz/

I did it!

/dɪd/ /ɪt/

I did it!

/dɪd/ /ɪt/

Amazing! Congratulations on your Perfect Week.

/əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/

Thanks, Jim. I couldn't have done it without my teammates.

/hæv/ /dʌn/ /ɪt/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /maɪ/

Hey, on to a new topic.

/ɒn/ /njuː/ /ˈtɒp.ɪk/

Do you really think you might get fired today?

/duː/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /ɡɛt/ /faɪərd/ /təˈdeɪ/

Jim, I... I told you I don't want to talk about that.

/toʊld/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, so, apparently, you do. Think about that.

/jʊr/ /juː/ /duː/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

- What a jerk! - You're a jerk.

/wɒt/ /dʒɜːrk/ /dʒɜːrk/

Mr. Donovan will see you now.

/wɪl/ /siː/ /juː/ /naʊ/

Stinson, we've reached a decision.

/dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/

We're keeping you on.

/juː/ /ɒn/

I know this past week must've been tough on you.

/noʊ/ /pæst/ /wiːk/ /ɒn/ /juː/

I barely slept.

/slɛpt/

Here you go, guys, the official hat of Barney's Perfect Week.

/hɪr/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡaɪz/ /əˈfɪʃəl/ /hæt/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/

I was gonna do shirts, but then you have to guess sizes,

/wɒz/ /duː/ /bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ɡɛs/

and feelings get hurt. It's a mess.

/ænd/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːrt/ /mɛs/

In commemoration of Barney's induction into the Hall of Game,

/hɔːl/ /ɡeɪm/

this tie worn on the seventh night of his Perfect Week is hereby retired.

/taɪ/ /ɒn/ /naɪt/ /hɪz/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /wiːk/ /ɪz/

May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of

/meɪ/ /biː/ /ænd/

for generations to come.

/fɔːr/ /kʌm/

I'm totally gonna sit my kids down one day,

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /sɪt/ /maɪ/ /kɪdz/ /daʊn/ /deɪ/

and tell them about the time Uncle Barney nailed seven chicks in a row.

/ænd/ /tɛl/ /ðɛm/ /əˈbaʊt/ /taɪm/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ˈsɛvən/ /tʃɪks/ /roʊ/

Am I a bad dad?

/bæd/ /dæd/

Take-out order for Cook Pu.

/ˈɔːrdər/ /fɔːr/ /kʊk/

We have a number two over here for Cook Pu.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /tuː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /kʊk/

You guys got Wendy saying it now?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɪt/ /naʊ/

Come on, okay, I get it. Cook Pu is a stupid name,

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /kʊk/ /ɪz/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /neɪm/

and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /ænd/ /mɔːr/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/

Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu.

/kʊk/ /kʊk/ /kʊk/ /kʊk/ /kʊk/ /kʊk/

Here.

/hɪr/