Season 5 · Tập 9

In November 2009,

Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily hosted

/ˈʌŋkəl/ /ænd/ /ænt/

the first Thanksgiving at their very own apartment.

/fɜːrst/ /ðɛr/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /oʊn/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

And Marshall had found the perfect turkey.

/ænd/ /hæd/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ˈtɜːrki/

Oh, baby, it is beautiful.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

It's 22 pounds. It's organic.

/ɔːrˈɡænɪk/

You remember my bald Uncle Heinrek?

/juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /maɪ/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

It looks exactly like his head.

/ɪt/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /laɪk/ /hɪz/ /hɛd/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

My turkey...

/maɪ/ /ˈtɜːrki/

My turkey!

/maɪ/ /ˈtɜːrki/

So, when we showed up for the big day,

/wɛn/ /wiː/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /bɪɡ/ /deɪ/

Marshall was pretty bummed out.

/wɒz/ /ˈprɪti/ /aʊt/

Well, we got the turkey. - No.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /ˈtɜːrki/ /noʊ/

You didn't. You got the pathetic replacement turkey.

/juː/ /juː/ /ˈtɜːrki/

Damn it, you know, why didn't I just listen

/ɪt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

to the prerecorded voice of former Mayor Ed Koch

/vɔɪs/

reminding me to take my belongings?

/miː/ /teɪk/ /maɪ/

No, Marshall, you don't understand.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

Robin and I went to the Port Authority Lost and Found,

/ænd/ /wɛnt/ /pɔːrt/ /lɒst/ /ænd/

and there, sitting in their fridge...

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /ðɛr/ /frɪdʒ/

Marshall Eriksen... Marshall Eriksen...

is this your turkey? Yes!

/ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈtɜːrki/

That's my turkey!

/maɪ/ /ˈtɜːrki/

Oh, come here, you handsome little bastard!

/kʌm/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Okay, I'm going to go put this in the oven. Okay.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/ /pʊt/ /ˈʌvən/

Oh, my God! You guys are the best friends ever!

/maɪ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /bɛst/ /frɛndz/ /ˈɛv.ər/

It was totally a team effort.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /tiːm/

I'm so ha...

Guys, I don't know what to say.

/ɡaɪz/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /seɪ/

I mean, it's Thanksgiving, but "thanks"

/miːn/ /bʌt/

just doesn't seem like enough.

/dʒʌst/ /siːm/ /laɪk/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Come on, buddy, you would've done the same thing for us.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈbʌdi/ /juː/ /dʌn/ /seɪm/ /θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/

Yeah, I would, and you know why?

/wʊd/ /ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/

Because I love you guys.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

And I'm gonna show you just how much.

/ænd/ /ʃoʊ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/

Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky,

I bequeath unto you

/juː/

the fourth slap.

Wait, what?

/weɪt/ /wɒt/

Kids, you remember

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

Barney and Marshall' "Slap Bet."

/ænd/ /bɛt/

When Barney lost, Marshall won the right to slap Barney

/wɛn/ /lɒst/ /wʌn/ /raɪt/

five times as hard as he could.

/faɪv/ /taɪmz/ /hɑːrd/ /hiː/ /kʊd/

So far, he'd used three of those five slaps.

/fɑːr/ /θriː/ /ðoʊz/ /faɪv/

With the third being doled out exactly

/wɪð/ /aʊt/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

two years earlier on Thanksgiving Day 2007.

/tuː/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /ɒn/ /deɪ/

A day that history came to know

/deɪ/ /ðæt/ /ˈhɪstəri/ /noʊ/

as "Slapsgiving."

Are you saying...

/juː/

...what we think you're saying?

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /θɪŋk/

Probably not.

/ˈprɒbəbli/

Unless you think I'm saying

/ənˈlɛs/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Revenge Of The Slap,"

in which case, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying!

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/

No way! Uh-uh.

/noʊ/ /weɪ/

Slaps aren't transferable.

Lily is the Slap Bet Commissioner. Lil?

/ɪz/ /bɛt/

Slaps are transferable.

No! Transferable!

/noʊ/

Wait, Marshall, you realize you'll only have

/weɪt/ /juː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hæv/

one left after this.

/lɛft/ /ˈæf.tər/

Are you sure you want to spend this slap today?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /spɛnd/ /təˈdeɪ/

Life is short. I figured, Slap-e Diem.

/laɪf/ /ɪz/ /ʃɔːrt/

Okay, rule number one: the slap must occur before sundown,

/ruːl/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /mʌst/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

so as not to interfere with Lily's meal.

/wɪð/ /miːl/

Damn straight. Two, you guys have to decide

/streɪt/ /tuː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæv/ /dɪˈsaɪd/

amongst yourselves who gets to do it.

/huː/ /ɡɛts/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Three... Ba...

/θriː/

we're going to tie Barney to this

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /taɪ/

chair, which shall henceforth be referred to as

/tʃɛr/ /wɪtʃ/ /ʃæl/ /biː/

The Slapping Throne. Sound fair? Totally.

/saʊnd/ /fɛr/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

Amazing. Absolutely not!

/əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/

It was all set to be the best Thanksgiving ever.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɔːl/ /sɛt/ /biː/ /bɛst/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Until...

/ənˈtɪl/

Are we expecting somebody else?

/wiː/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /ɛls/

It was someone Lily hadn't seen or spoken to

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

in three years.

/θriː/

Dad.

/dæd/

Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com Sync by honeybunny translate by vymuop

/kɒm/

Now, Lily and her dad, Mickey,

/naʊ/ /ænd/ /hɜːr/ /dæd/

had always had a tough relationship.

/hæd/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /hæd/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

Mickey's dream was to invent

/driːm/ /wɒz/ /ɪnˈvɛnt/

the next great American board game.

/nɛkst/ /ɡreɪt/ /bɔːrd/ /ɡeɪm/

But his ideas were always a little off.

/bʌt/ /hɪz/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɒf/

Daddy? Yeah?

/ˈdædi/

You missed my ballet recital.

/juː/ /mɪst/ /maɪ/

Yes, sweetie, but, look!

/ˈswiːti/ /bʌt/ /lʊk/

I just put the finishing touches on my new, hit board game,

/dʒʌst/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /njuː/ /bɔːrd/ /ɡeɪm/

"Tijuana Slumlord." "Tijuana Slumlord."

Daddy? Uh-huh?

/ˈdædi/

You missed my gymnastics meet. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

/juː/ /mɪst/ /maɪ/ /miːt/

But this is the one!

/bʌt/ /ɪz/

How Long Can You Hold On?"

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Here, Princess.

/hɪr/

Grab these.

/ɡræb/ /ðiːz/

Daddy? Mm-hmm.

/ˈdædi/

I had a nightmare.

/hæd/

Aw, sweetie.

/ˈswiːti/

Here, come play Daddy's new game:

/hɪr/ /kʌm/ /pleɪ/ /njuː/ /ɡeɪm/

"There's A Clown Demon Under The Bed!"

/ˈʌndər/ /bɛd/

Her whole life, Mickey disappointed Lily.

/hɜːr/ /hoʊl/ /laɪf/

And she always put up with it, until one day in 2006

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /pʊt/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/ /ənˈtɪl/ /deɪ/

when Lily went to visit her grandparents.

/wɛn/ /wɛnt/ /ˈvɪz.ɪt/ /hɜːr/

So, Rita, are you excited about the, uh,

/juː/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /əˈbaʊt/

the big move to Florida?

/bɪɡ/ /muːv/

Actually, dear, slight change of plans.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /dɪər/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

We're staying here for the time being.

/hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /taɪm/

We had a slight financial hiccup.

/wiː/ /hæd/

Ma!

The straw to my juice box broke!

/maɪ/ /dʒuːs/ /bɒks/

Ma, chop, chop!

Oh, hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

What a pleasant surprise.

/wɒt/ /ˈplɛzənt/ /sərˈpraɪz/

Dad, what happened

/dæd/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

to your apartment?

/jʊr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Oh, well, I had a little falling out with my roommate.

/wɛl/ /hæd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/

What happened?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

He wanted me to pay rent.

/hiː/ /miː/ /peɪ/ /rɛnt/

Got kind of ugly. Dad!

/kaɪnd/ /ˈʌɡli/ /dæd/

You should be paying rent,

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /rɛnt/

not living in your parents' basement.

/ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /ˈpɛərənts/ /ˈbeɪsmənt/

Hey, it's not my first choice.

/maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /tʃɔɪs/

Having the old farts right upstairs

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /oʊld/ /raɪt/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/

is crimpin' my style a bit.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /staɪl/

Clearly, they're not getting the whole

/ˈklɪərli/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /hoʊl/

"sock on the doorknob" thing.

/ɒn/ /θɪŋ/

Oh, they caught you with a girl?

/ðeɪ/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/

In a way.

/weɪ/

Bye, sweetheart. I'm off to work.

/baɪ/ /ɒf/ /wɜːrk/

Work? You're retired.

/wɜːrk/

Now that I have extra mouth to feed,

/naʊ/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /ˈɛkstrə/ /maʊθ/ /fiːd/

I had to go back to the steel mill.

/hæd/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/

Rita?

Where's my truss?

/maɪ/

So, not only did you stop them From moving to Florida,

/ˈoʊnli/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /stɒp/ /ðɛm/

but now you forced Grandpa to go back to work?

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /wɜːrk/

Just until I get Aldrin games Unlimted

/dʒʌst/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ɡɛt/ /ɡeɪmz/

off the ground with my new sensation:

/ɒf/ /ɡraʊnd/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /njuː/

"Dog Fight Promoter." "Dog Fight Promoter."

/dɔːɡ/ /faɪt/ /dɔːɡ/ /faɪt/

And then Lily gave her dad a look that Marshall

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɡeɪv/ /hɜːr/ /dæd/ /lʊk/ /ðæt/

had only seen a few times before.

/hæd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /fjuː/ /taɪmz/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

A look we all prayed never to be on the receiving end of:

/lʊk/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /biː/ /ɒn/ /ɛnd/

her "You're Dead To Me" look.

/hɜːr/ /dɛd/ /miː/ /lʊk/

Which brings us back to Thanksgiving of 2009.

/wɪtʃ/ /brɪŋz/ /ʌs/ /bæk/

Hey, Princess.

I brought "Diseases!"

What is he doing here?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /hiː/ /hɪr/

I don't know, but maybe we should,

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/

uh, let him in and find out.

/lɛt/ /hɪm/ /ænd/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/

No, I don't want to see him!

/noʊ/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /hɪm/

Get rid of him!

/ɡɛt/ /hɪm/

Hey, Mickey.

Just hang tight, okay?

/dʒʌst/ /taɪt/

We'll, we'’ll work this out.

/wiː/ /wɜːrk/ /aʊt/

Take your time, amigo.

/teɪk/ /jʊr/ /taɪm/

I'm okays long as I have "Diseases!"

/lɔːŋ/ /hæv/

The fun's infectious.

God, I hope Lily's okay.

/hoʊp/

Me, too. She doesn't talk about it much,

/miː/ /ʃiː/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /mʌtʃ/

but this thing with her dad causes her a lot of pain.

/bʌt/ /θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /dæd/ /hɜːr/ /lɒt/ /peɪn/

Just tell me which one of you's gonna slap me!

/dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /wɪtʃ/ /miː/

What? I'm dying over here!

/wɒt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɪr/

Ted reaches for a chip, I flinch!

/fɔːr/

Robin fixes her hair, I flinch!

/hɜːr/ /hɛr/

I'm doing so much flinching. It's bad for my skin.

/mʌtʃ/ /bæd/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /skɪn/

I'm getting crow's feet. Crow's feet!

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /fiːt/ /fiːt/

Lily, come on. It's been

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

three years, okay? That's long enough.

/θriː/ /lɔːŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Having him in my life causes me nothing but stress.

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /hɪm/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /miː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /strɛs/

It's just easier for him to be dead to me.

/dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /hɪm/ /biː/ /dɛd/ /miː/

Okay, Lily, look.

/lʊk/

I supported you when our neighbor, Mr. Sias,

/juː/ /wɛn/ /aʊər/

was "dead to you."

/wɒz/ /dɛd/ /juː/

Hey! That's our newspaper.

/aʊər/

You'll get it back in 15 minutes.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /bæk/

Make it 20. I had a steak last night.

/meɪk/ /ɪt/ /hæd/ /læst/ /naɪt/

And I was fine when your

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /faɪn/ /wɛn/ /jʊr/

bridesmaid, Whitney, was "dead to you."

/wɒz/ /dɛd/ /juː/

Oh, Lily!

You look so amazing!

/juː/ /lʊk/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

That dress is gorgeous!

/ðæt/ /drɛs/ /ɪz/

Oh, thanks, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

Mm, I... I'm just not a fan of strapless.

/dʒʌst/ /fæn/

I even understood when

/ˈiːvən/ /wɛn/

Mr. Park from the bodega downstairs was "dead to you."

/pɑːrk/ /ˌdaʊnˈstɛrz/ /wɒz/ /dɛd/ /juː/

One coffee, please.

/ˈkɔː.fi/ /pliːz/

Oh, but only if you have decaf.

/bʌt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /hæv/

I don't want to be up all night.

/wɒnt/ /biː/ /ʌp/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

Dollar fifty. 50 xu.

Coffee, regular.

/ˈkɔː.fi/ /ˈrɛɡ.jə.lər/

Dollar fifty. 50 xu.

Excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Are you sure mine was decaf?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /maɪn/ /wɒz/

You just used the same pot.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪm/ /pɒt/

Oh, I lie to him. Okay?

/laɪ/ /hɪm/

Oh, okay.

You son of a bitch.

/juː/ /sʌn/

That was not decaf!

/ðæt/ /wɒz/

I supported you

/juː/

with all of those random people, but this is your father.

/wɪð/ /ɔːl/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /bʌt/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

Okay, can't we at least just give him some turkey?

/wiː/ /liːst/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /sʌm/ /ˈtɜːrki/

No. Come on, Lily.

/noʊ/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

Please, I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.

/pliːz/ /æsk/ /ɡaɪ/ /liːv/ /ɒn/

Oh, you don't have to ask.

/juː/ /hæv/ /æsk/

Just tell him that it's really important that he be here.

/dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /hɪm/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ðæt/ /hiː/ /biː/ /hɪr/

And before you know it, he'll be at a board game convention

/ænd/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /bɔːrd/ /ɡeɪm/

in Toledo, giving your braces money to some guy

/ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌn.i/ /sʌm/ /ɡaɪ/

claiming to be Milton Bradley.

/biː/

He was just out trying to provide for the family.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /aʊt/ /prəˈvaɪd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

No. No, that's what my mom did by working two jobs.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /dɪd/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /tuː/

Marshall, that man

/ðæt/ /mæn/

broke my heart every single day for 20 years.

/maɪ/ /hɑːrt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /deɪ/ /fɔːr/

Well, then we'll just give him some dark meat.

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /sʌm/ /dɑːrk/ /miːt/

No, seriously, Robin,

/noʊ/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/

you should get the slap.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/

I mean, you're a great slapper.

/miːn/ /ɡreɪt/

In fact, I want

/fækt/ /wɒnt/

to study slapping under your tutelage.

/ˈstʌd.i/ /ˈʌndər/ /jʊr/

I want to be your slap-prentice.

/wɒnt/ /biː/ /jʊr/

Don't sell yourself short there, Teddy.

/sɛl/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /ʃɔːrt/ /ðɛr/ /ˈtɛdi/

You're a slapping rock star.

/stɑːr/

Your name should be Eric Slapton.

/jʊr/ /neɪm/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/

Okay, okay, guys, this is torture.

/ɡaɪz/ /ɪz/

Just put me in the chair...

/dʒʌst/ /pʊt/ /miː/ /tʃɛr/

Slapping Throne. And get it over with!

/ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /wɪð/

Ok, he's all yours. No-no-no-no. It's you, I insist.

/ɔːl/ /jɔːrz/ /juː/

Okay, I'll do it. Great.

/duː/ /ɪt/ /ɡreɪt/

Wait, what?

/weɪt/ /wɒt/

I'm just saying, I'll slap him.

/dʒʌst/ /hɪm/

What, so that's just, like,

/wɒt/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/

the end of the discussion?

/ɛnd/

Well, you said I could slap him.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /kʊd/ /hɪm/

Uh, I was just being nice.

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /naɪs/

If anyone's gonna slap him, it's gonna be me.

/ɪf/ /hɪm/ /biː/ /miː/

No, it's not.

/noʊ/

This is interesting.

/ɪz/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/

Lily, he's family, okay?

/ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

And I'm sorry, but you just don't cut off family.

/ænd/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /kʌt/ /ɒf/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

Oh, well, that's easy for you to say when you come

/wɛl/ /ˈiː.zi/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /kʌm/

from the most ridiculously close family in the world.

/moʊst/ /kloʊs/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /wɜːrld/

We are not ridiculously close.

/wiː/ /kloʊs/

Really? Yeah.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

What about the Eriksen Family Dinner every single Sunday?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ˈsʌndeɪ/

Everything looks delicious, Mother Eriksen.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

Thank you, Papa Bear.

/juː/ /ˈpɑːpə/ /bɛr/

Marshall, would you like to say grace?

/wʊd/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /seɪ/

Well, I would be

/wɛl/ /wʊd/ /biː/

happy to, Mother.

/ˈhæp.i/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

Everyone, please join hands.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /pliːz/ /dʒɔɪn/ /hændz/

Dear Lord...

/dɪər/

I'm sorry, but that's weird.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/

A family should be that close.

/ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /kloʊs/

And I want our future family to be that close.

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /aʊər/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /kloʊs/

And that includes your dad.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /dæd/

I can't believe you're taking his side.

/bɪˈliːv/ /hɪz/ /saɪd/

Lily... Let me

/lɛt/ /miː/

that man will never

/ðæt/ /mæn/ /wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

cross the threshold into this home, ever!

/krɒs/ /hoʊm/ /ˈɛv.ər/

It's just gonna be, like, five more minutes.

/dʒʌst/ /biː/ /laɪk/ /faɪv/ /mɔːr/

Hopefully soon, amigo.

/suːn/

I'm fighting a losing battle with hemorrhoids here.

/ˈfaɪtɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /hɪr/

Oh, that's one of the diseases?

No.

/noʊ/

Ted, there is an hour before the sun sets,

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈaʊ.ər/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /sʌn/

at which point, neither one of us gets to slap Barney.

/wɪtʃ/ /pɔɪnt/ /ʌs/ /ɡɛts/

So just let me have it. I'm the one who had

/dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /hæv/ /ɪt/ /huː/ /hæd/

the idea to call the Port Authority Lost and Found.

/aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /kɔːl/ /pɔːrt/ /lɒst/ /ænd/

Ooh, that's a good point. Rebuttal?

/ɡʊd/ /pɔɪnt/

I'm the one who slipped the guy a 20!

/huː/ /ɡaɪ/

Oh, philosophical conundrum.

Idea versus execution. Please discuss at length.

/aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /pliːz/ /dɪˈskʌs/

I carried that huge turkey all the way up here.

/ðæt/ /hjuːdʒ/ /ˈtɜːrki/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /ʌp/ /hɪr/

I paid the cab fare.

/kæb/

Well, you slept with one of my best friends!

/wɛl/ /juː/ /slɛpt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛndz/

What?! You, you said

/wɒt/ /juː/ /juː/ /sɛd/

you were okay with that. Well, I'm not!

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /wɛl/

Well, why didn't you say something at the time?

/wɛl/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /taɪm/

Because I'm still in love with you!

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Do you really want to slap Barney so bad

/duː/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /bæd/

that you would lie about being in love with me?

/ðæt/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /laɪ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /miː/

I really want to slap him, okay?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /hɪm/

Yes, your dad has made some mistakes in the past,

/jʊr/ /dæd/ /hæz/ /sʌm/ /pæst/

but he's a different person now.

/bʌt/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /naʊ/

He's moved out of your grandparents' house.

/aʊt/ /jʊr/ /haʊs/

He's got a job.

/dʒɒb/

He's paying off his IRS debts.

/ɒf/ /hɪz/

Wait, how do you know all that?

/weɪt/ /haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/

Like, body language.

/laɪk/ /ˈbɒdi/ /ˈlæŋ.ɡwɪdʒ/

Okay, well, yeah, we met for a drink last week.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /fɔːr/ /drɪŋk/ /læst/ /wiːk/

I mis her a ton.

/hɜːr/

Little princess.

/ˈlɪt.əl/

She ever talk about me?

/ʃiː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

Yeah. Yeah, like, all the time.

/laɪk/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Um, she tells this one really sweet story about...

/ʃiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /swiːt/ /ˈstɔːri/ /əˈbaʊt/

So never, huh? No, not a word.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /noʊ/ /wɜːrd/

But...

/bʌt/

it doesn't have to be that way.

/ɪt/ /hæv/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

We can, we can fix this, right?

/wiː/ /kæn/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /fɪks/ /raɪt/

You know, I always thought it'd get fixed at the wedding.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /θɔːt/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

I even wrote a toast.

/ˈiːvən/ /roʊt/ /toʊst/

But then, no invite.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /noʊ/ /ɪnˈvaɪt/

Hell, I haven't even seen a wedding photo.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ˈfoʊtoʊ/

And then, right before my eyes,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /raɪt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /maɪ/ /aɪz/

your father broke down crying.

/jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /daʊn/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/

That's it! You're coming to Thanksgiving!

/ɪt/

You invited him?!

/juː/ /hɪm/

The guy was, like, blabbering.

/ɡaɪ/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/

What was I going to do? And then, some jerk

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /sʌm/ /dʒɜːrk/

at the next table called him a sissy,

/nɛkst/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/ /hɪm/

which I thought was totally uncalled-for.

/wɪtʃ/ /θɔːt/ /wɒz/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

I can't believe you.

/bɪˈliːv/ /juː/

Marshall, what gives you the right to do that?

/wɒt/ /ɡɪvz/ /juː/ /raɪt/ /duː/ /ðæt/

You and I are married.

/juː/ /ænd/ /ˈmærid/

And that means he's my family, too.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

Mickey, come on in.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Ted, you better roll quickly.

/juː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /roʊl/ /ˈkwɪk.li/

Your gall bladder's about to burst.

/jʊr/ /əˈbaʊt/

You know, Mickey, it's been, like, half an hour.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /laɪk/ /hæf/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

I think we should go look for Lily.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /lʊk/ /fɔːr/

Eh, she just needs some time to cool down.

/ʃiː/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /taɪm/ /kuːl/ /daʊn/

Let's finish the game.

/ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /ɡeɪm/

Yeah, play another round.

/pleɪ/ /əˈnʌðər/ /raʊnd/

Best of seven!

/bɛst/ /ˈsɛvən/

Damn it, Robin!

/ɪt/

I've known Barney the longest.

I get to slap him.

/ɡɛt/ /hɪm/

That slap is mine, Mosby.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /maɪn/

I've never slapped Barney...

/ˈnɛv.ər/

above the waist.

Look, I've wanted to slap Barney since the moment

/lʊk/ /sɪns/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

I met him! You don't think that I want

/hɪm/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /wɒnt/

to slap Barney? I've waited... Wait, wait a minute. Wait a mute!

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /weɪt/

This slap was supposed to be a wonderful thing, a gift,

/wɒz/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/ /θɪŋ/ /ɡɪft/

and look, it's turned us against each other.

/ænd/ /lʊk/ /ʌs/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

My God, you're right.

/maɪ/ /raɪt/

This once pure fruit has turned into a poison slapple.

/wʌns/ /hæz/

You know what? Seriously, you take it.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/

Are you sure?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/

Slapsolutely.

I really think

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/

that we should go look for Lily.

/ðæt/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /lʊk/ /fɔːr/

Ted? Gall bladder about to pop.

/əˈbaʊt/ /pɒp/

Okay, it's decided.

Barney, come on. Get in the Throne. Hmm?

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɡɛt/

Are you... Yep. Come on.

/juː/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

Well, you, um...

/wɛl/ /juː/

Uh, well, I guess that is

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

the best decision, Robin. I mean...

/bɛst/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/ /miːn/

men are stronger than women.

/mɛn/ /ðæn/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

D-Don't listen to him.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /hɪm/

Okay, it's been decided. Okay.

And that's what you've always wanted, isn't it, Robin?

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɪt/

A strong man to take care of you?

/strɒŋ/ /mæn/ /teɪk/ /kɛr/ /juː/

I mean, sure. Growing up, you were a scrapper,

/miːn/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈɡroʊɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

Playing hockey with the boys,

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /ˈhɒki/ /wɪð/ /bɔɪz/

skinning your knees on the ice.

/jʊr/ /ɒn/ /aɪs/

But what you couldn't tell your teammates--

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /jʊr/

what you couldn't even tell yourself--

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /tɛl/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

was that all you really wanted

/wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

was that pretty white dress

/wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ˈprɪti/ /drɛs/

in that pretty white chapel.

/ðæt/ /ˈprɪti/

And at the end of the centre aisle,

/ænd/ /ɛnd/

strewn with pretty white flowers,

/wɪð/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈflaʊərz/

a man

/mæn/

to do all your slapping for you.

/duː/ /ɔːl/ /jʊr/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Let me at him! Robin! Come on!

/lɛt/ /miː/ /hɪm/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

Hold on!

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

What just happened?

/wɒt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhæpənd/

Sorry, Ted. Gallbladder burst.

/ˈsɒr.i/

You move back three spaces.

/juː/ /muːv/ /bæk/ /θriː/

You come in here,

/juː/ /kʌm/ /hɪr/

and you watch your daughter leave and you don't even care.

/ænd/ /juː/ /wɒtʃ/ /jʊr/ /ˈdɔːtər/ /liːv/ /ænd/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /kɛr/

And now you've destroyed Thanksgiving dinner!

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Lily-Lily worked all day on this!

/wɜːrkt/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/ /ɒn/

Relax. It's not real bile.

/rɪˈlæks/ /riːl/

It's just lead-based paint from China.

/dʒʌst/ /peɪnt/

And horse bile.

/ænd/ /hɔːrs/

And at that moment, Marshall gave Mickey a look

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /ɡeɪv/ /lʊk/

none of us has ever seen him give anyone.

/nʌn/ /ʌs/ /hæz/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hɪm/ /ɡɪv/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

What's this? What's he doing?

/hiː/

Did you swallow some of that paint?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /sʌm/ /ðæt/ /peɪnt/

This is my "you're dead to me" look.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /dɛd/ /miː/ /lʊk/

Oh. Oh. Okay.

Yeah, you know, Lily's is so much better...

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪz/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Get out of my house!

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /haʊs/

Hey.

Mr. Park's, huh?

This is the last place I expected to find you.

/ɪz/ /læst/ /pleɪs/ /faɪnd/ /juː/

Marshall… Lily, I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

But just hear me out.

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /hɪr/ /miː/ /aʊt/

I used to think that family was-was a right.

/θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /raɪt/

But it's not. It's a privilege, and it has to be earned.

/bʌt/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /hæz/ /biː/

I kicked your dad out.

/jʊr/ /dæd/ /aʊt/

And I promise,

/ænd/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/

baby, I will... I will never make you see him again.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /wɪl/ /wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /siː/ /hɪm/ /əˈɡɛn/

Oh, what?

/wɒt/

Baby, what-what happened?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈhæpənd/

Marshall, I came in here because it was cold

/hɪr/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /koʊld/

and this was the only place that was open.

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /pleɪs/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊ.pən/

I wasn't even gonna look Mr. Park in the eye.

/ˈiːvən/ /lʊk/ /pɑːrk/ /aɪ/

And then I found out...

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /aʊt/

Mr. Park died.

/pɑːrk/ /daɪd/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

He really is dead to me.

/hiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪz/ /dɛd/ /miː/

And if I feel this bad

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /fiːl/ /bæd/

about never making up with Mr. Park,

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /pɑːrk/

a guy who meant literally nothing to me…

/ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /miː/

We got to go get my dad.

/wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /dæd/

Okay.

So that's how

/haʊ/

on Thanksgiving 2009,

/ɒn/

your Aunt Lily performed a miracle.

/jʊr/ /ænt/

She brought a man back from the dead.

/ʃiː/ /mæn/ /bæk/ /dɛd/

Everyone.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Before we get started, Barney,

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/

We’re going to need you on The Slapping Throne.

/wiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /niːd/ /juː/ /ɒn/

Slap Bet Commissioner,

/bɛt/

surely tying me to a chair is a breach...

/miː/ /tʃɛr/ /ɪz/

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Less yappin', more slappin'.

/lɛs/ /mɔːr/

Ted, Robin. It's two minutes until sundown.

/tuː/ /ənˈtɪl/

Have you guys decided which one of you

/hæv/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɪtʃ/ /juː/

is going to get to slap Barney right in his face?

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /raɪt/ /hɪz/ /feɪs/

It's gonna be Ted.

/biː/

What? Why me?

/wɒt/ /waɪ/ /miː/

Last year, you got left at the altar.

/læst/ /jɪr/ /juː/ /lɛft/

You lost your job.

/juː/ /lɒst/ /jʊr/ /dʒɒb/

But you've come such a long way since then.

/bʌt/ /kʌm/ /sʌtʃ/ /lɔːŋ/ /weɪ/ /sɪns/ /ðɛn/

I'm so proud of you, Ted.

/praʊd/ /juː/

You deserve to slap someone in his face as hard as you can.

/juː/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /hɪz/ /feɪs/ /hɑːrd/ /juː/ /kæn/

Thanks.

This is the worst.

/ɪz/ /wɜːrst/

Mama!

/ˈmɑːmə/

No, Robin. Look...

/noʊ/ /lʊk/

You just went through your own breakup, and...

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /wɛnt/ /θruː/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/ /ænd/

while I know you and Barney left it on good terms,

/waɪl/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /ænd/ /lɛft/ /ɪt/ /ɒn/ /ɡʊd/

isn't there some part of you,

/ðɛr/ /sʌm/ /pɑːrt/ /juː/

deep down, that wants to slap him

/diːp/ /daʊn/ /ðæt/ /hɪm/

right in his face?

/raɪt/ /hɪz/ /feɪs/

There is.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/

I know there is.

/noʊ/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/

This is basically hell on Earth.

/ɪz/ /ɒn/ /ɜːrθ/

Oh... All right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Oh...

You got this.

/juː/

It hurts!

/ɪt/ /hɜːrts/

No. I can't do it.

/noʊ/ /duː/ /ɪt/

I can't take this from you, Ted.

/teɪk/ /juː/

Nor I, you.

/juː/

Oh, thank God.

So, I'd like to make a gesture.

/laɪk/ /meɪk/

Mickey?

Oh, no way!

/noʊ/ /weɪ/

I'm glad you and Lily are trying to work things out.

/ɡlæd/ /juː/ /ænd/ /wɜːrk/ /θɪŋz/ /aʊt/

So, to welcome you to our little family,

/ˈwɛlkəm/ /juː/ /aʊər/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

I'd like to offer you this slap.

/laɪk/ /ˈɒfər/ /juː/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Well, I feel a little weird…

/wɛl/ /fiːl/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

I-I just met Barney,

/dʒʌst/

But how often do you get a chance

/bʌt/ /haʊ/ /ˈɔː.fən/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /tʃæns/

to slap someone right in his face?

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /raɪt/ /hɪz/ /feɪs/

Soft!

/sɒft/

I'm sorry. I can't do it.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Oh, thank God.

Lily… Lily…

I know I haven't been much of a father to you.

/noʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /juː/

You are kidding me.

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

So for all the ballet recitals that I missed

/fɔːr/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /mɪst/

for all the art shows that I should've been at...

/fɔːr/ /ɔːl/ /ɑːrt/ /ʃoʊz/ /ðæt/

...for the wedding gift

/fɔːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ɡɪft/

that I never got a chance to give to you...

/ðæt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /tʃæns/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/

Princess...

I give this slap to you.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/

Oh, Daddy!

/ˈdædi/

No.

/noʊ/

No, no, no, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

She is the Slap Bet Commissioner.

/ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /bɛt/

She's supposed to remain impartial!

/səˈpoʊzd/

Slap Bet Commissioner says it's okay.

/bɛt/

This is not good.

/ɪz/ /ɡʊd/

Okay.