Season 6 · Tập 16

NARRAT My first kiss with Zoey was amazing,

/maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /kɪs/ /wɪð/ /wɒz/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

and complicated.

/ænd/

Look, um...

/lʊk/

I know you're going through a lot right now.

/noʊ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /lɒt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Getting divorced, being single,

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /dɪˈvɔːrst/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

figuring out who you are on your own.

/aʊt/ /huː/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/

Someone knows how to set a mood.

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /haʊ/ /sɛt/

I just mean...

/dʒʌst/ /miːn/

I'm okay taking this slow.

/sloʊ/

I want to do this right.

/wɒnt/ /duː/ /raɪt/

My friends, as usual, were completely supportive.

/maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /wɜːr/ /kəmˈpliːtli/

You're doing this all wrong!

/ɔːl/ /rɒŋ/

Ted, there are couples in my kindergarten class

/ðɛr/ /ˈkʌpəlz/ /maɪ/ /ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/ /klæs/

who have moved faster than you two.

/huː/ /hæv/ /ðæn/ /juː/ /tuː/

Granted, their home lives are not great.

/ðɛr/ /hoʊm/ /ɡreɪt/

Hey, I'm trying.

I keep suggesting these big, romantic dates,

/kiːp/ /ðiːz/ /bɪɡ/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/ /deɪts/

and she keeps putting on the brakes.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /ɒn/

Like tonight, she wants me to just come over and bake cookies.

/laɪk/ /təˈnaɪt/ /ʃiː/ /miː/ /dʒʌst/ /kʌm/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/ /ˈkʊkiz/

Oh.

booty-call.

Total booty-call.

Private Booty, reporting for duty.

/ˈpraɪvɪt/ /fɔːr/

That's crazy.

/ˈkreɪzi/

She-She wants to bake.

Guys booty-call girls after 2:00 a.m.

/ɡaɪz/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈæf.tər/

with a drunkenly slurred, "What ya doing?"

/wɪð/ /wɒt/

But when a lady booty-calls a guy,

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /ˈleɪdi/ /ɡaɪ/

she invents a respectable excuse

/ʃiː/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/

to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck real good.

/fækt/ /ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /ɡɛt/ /stʌk/ /riːl/ /ɡʊd/

It's called class, Ted.

/klæs/

Wait. That... Khoan...

/weɪt/ /ðæt/

You think that's what she means by "baking cookies"?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /ˈkʊkiz/

Are you kidding?

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

You're in the kitchen, it's getting hot,

/ˈkɪtʃɪn/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /hɒt/

you start licking stuff off each others' fingers.

/juː/ /stɑːrt/ /stʌf/ /ɒf/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌðərz/ /ˈfɪŋɡərz/

Before you know it, she's bent

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/

over the marble island,

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈaɪlənd/

and you're spanking her with a rubber spatula.

/ænd/ /hɜːr/ /wɪð/

And she's screaming, "Stop, Marshall, stop,"

/ænd/ /ˈskriːmɪŋ/ /stɒp/ /stɒp/

but that's just code for "harder!"

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /koʊd/ /fɔːr/

Marshall's been in Minnesota

a while, huh?

/waɪl/

So long!

/lɔːŋ/

And now he's staying even longer.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/

His mom has been having a really hard time since the funeral.

/hɪz/ /mɒm/ /hæz/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɑːrd/ /taɪm/ /sɪns/

He's waiting on her hand and foot.

/ɒn/ /hɜːr/ /hænd/ /ænd/ /fʊt/

But...

/bʌt/

it's Valentine's Day.

/deɪ/

It's not going to be the same

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /seɪm/

without the two of us watching Predator together.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /tuː/ /ʌs/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /ˈpredətər/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

I should explain.

/ʃʊd/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/

On their very first Valentine's Day,

/ɒn/ /ðɛr/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/

Marshall and Lily set out to watch Sleepless in Seattle.

/ænd/ /sɛt/ /aʊt/ /wɒtʃ/

You know, I saw this in the theater, like, five times,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /sɔː/ /laɪk/ /faɪv/ /taɪmz/

but I never got to see it with the right girl.

/bʌt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /siː/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /raɪt/ /ɡɜːrl/

Aw...

I'm so glad none of those girls were right for you.

/ɡlæd/ /nʌn/ /ðoʊz/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

What girls?

/wɒt/ /ɡɜːrlz/

If it bleeds, we can kill it.

/ɪf/ /ɪt/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /kɪl/ /ɪt/

Except Marshall's brothers had taped over it with Predator.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /hæd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /ˈpredətər/

Mmm.

And it became a tradition.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /trəˈdɪʃən/

Wow, you sound really lonely.

/juː/ /saʊnd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈloʊnli/

I am. Earlier today, I burst into tears...

/ˈɜːrliər/ /təˈdeɪ/

Shh. Daddy's talking now.

/naʊ/

Loneliness. The looming specter

of Valentine's Day fast approaching.

/deɪ/ /fæst/

The two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year,

/tuː/ /kiː/ /maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /deɪ/ /jɪr/

Desperation Day.

/deɪ/

That's not a thing. It's a thing.

/θɪŋ/ /θɪŋ/

Much like Valentine's Day itself,

/mʌtʃ/ /laɪk/ /deɪ/

Desperation Day dates back thousands of years.

/deɪ/ /deɪts/ /bæk/

Weddings were forbidden

/wɜːr/

under ancient Roman law,

/ˈʌndər/ /lɔː/

so Saint Valentine performed them in secret,

/ðɛm/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

under threat of death.

/ˈʌndər/ /dɛθ/

That's actually true. Wait, there's more.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /truː/ /weɪt/ /mɔːr/

This won't be.

/biː/

And right by Saint Valentine's side

/ænd/ /raɪt/ /saɪd/

was his best bro, Saint Desperatius,

/wɒz/ /hɪz/ /bɛst/ /broʊ/

there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.

/ðɛr/ /pɪk/ /ɒf/

Whoa. Check out that one.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/

Her body is a perfect X.

/hɜːr/ /ˈbɒdi/ /ɪz/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

Player, play on. High V.

/ˈpleɪər/ /pleɪ/ /ɒn/ /haɪ/

Oh, Jupiter,

what are your plans for me?

/wɒt/ /jʊr/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

15 and still unmarried.

/ænd/

And I thought Pompeii was smokin'.

/ænd/ /θɔːt/ /wɒz/

Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day.

/ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /deɪt/ /ɒn/ /deɪ/

That neediness reaches its climax--

/ðæt/ /ɪts/

what up-- on February 13.

/wɒt/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/

A magical night when a ten

/naɪt/ /wɛn/ /tɛn/

has the self-esteem of a four

/hæz/

and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.

/ænd/ /tuː/

Now, there's only one thing you can't do.

/naʊ/ /ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/ /juː/ /duː/

Please say "widows."

/pliːz/ /seɪ/

Wherever you are, or whoever you're under,

/juː/ /ˈʌndər/

you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m.

/juː/ /mʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /hoʊm/ /əˈloʊn/

Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day.

/ɒn/ /deɪt/ /ɒn/ /deɪ/

Barney, Desperation Day

/deɪ/

assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day.

/ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /friːk/ /aʊt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /deɪ/

Which we do not.

/wɪtʃ/ /wiː/ /duː/

Case in point, I will be spending February 13

/pɔɪnt/ /wɪl/ /biː/

with some lovely single ladies from work...

/wɪð/ /sʌm/ /ˈlʌvli/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /wɜːrk/

Trolls....who could care less

/huː/ /kʊd/ /kɛr/ /lɛs/

about Valentine's Day. Lying trolls.

/əˈbaʊt/ /deɪ/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/

And we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have

/ænd/ /wiː/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /fækt/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /hæv/

to spend it with some dippy guy

/spɛnd/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /sʌm/ /ɡaɪ/

carting around roses and stuffed toys all night.

/əˈraʊnd/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

Oh, no offense, Ted.

/noʊ/

And none was taken until just then.

/ænd/ /nʌn/ /wɒz/ /ənˈtɪl/ /dʒʌst/ /ðɛn/

Transcript by Addic7ed.com Translate by Vymuop Sync & correction by Addic7ed.com

/kɒm/ /kɒm/

I decided to go to Minnesota

/ɡoʊ/

to see Marshall.

/siː/

He shouldn't have to help his mom

/hiː/ /hæv/ /hɛlp/ /hɪz/ /mɒm/

through this rough time all by himself.

/θruː/ /rʌf/ /taɪm/ /ɔːl/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

You losing your mind, being alone in your apartment?

/juː/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/ /əˈloʊn/ /jʊr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

I'm getting weird!

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

See, it started off

/siː/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/

with me throwing Marshall's jersey on my body pillow.

/wɪð/ /miː/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɒdi/ /ˈpɪloʊ/

And, well, things kind of spiraled from there.

/ænd/ /wɛl/ /θɪŋz/ /kaɪnd/ /ðɛr/

I'm sorry I yelled like that before.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

I call him "Marshpillow." And he calls me...

/kɔːl/ /hɪm/ /ænd/ /hiː/ /kɔːlz/ /miː/

nothing because he's a pillow.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈpɪloʊ/

Hey. How was "baking cookies" last night?

/haʊ/ /wɒz/ /ˈkʊkiz/ /læst/ /naɪt/

That was a tough question.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

You see...

/juː/ /siː/

Hi.

Uh... Uh...

Is that an overnight bag?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /bæɡ/

You brought an overnight bag?

/juː/ /bæɡ/

You guys said I was definitely going to spend the night.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /sɛd/ /wɒz/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /spɛnd/ /naɪt/

We said you were going to have sex.

/wiː/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hæv/ /sɛks/

We didn't say, "Bring a carry-on."

/wiː/ /seɪ/ /brɪŋ/

So how did Zoey react?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/

She thought it was presumptuous and asked me to leave.

/ʃiː/ /θɔːt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ænd/ /miː/ /liːv/

It's-It's not like I brought a ton of stuff.

/laɪk/ /stʌf/

Were there slippers for the morning?

/wɜːr/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Not slippers, exactly.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

They're called British morning socks.

/ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

This is such a nice surprise.

/ɪz/ /sʌtʃ/ /naɪs/ /sərˈpraɪz/

Marshall will be so happy.

/wɪl/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/

How are you holding up, Judy?

/haʊ/ /juː/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /ʌp/

Oh, I'm doin' okay.

It gets a little lonely.

/ɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈloʊnli/

My friends suggested a body pillow, but...

/maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /ˈbɒdi/ /ˈpɪloʊ/ /bʌt/

I'm not a lunatic.

Hey, Mom?

/mɒm/

I hate to be that guy,

/heɪt/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

but I'm pretty sure it was Hot Pocket o'clock,

/bʌt/ /ˈprɪti/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /hɒt/

like, ten minutes ago.

/laɪk/ /tɛn/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily.

What are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

I wanted to surprise you.

/sərˈpraɪz/ /juː/

Oh, my gosh. That's so sweet.

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/ /swiːt/

I'm so glad you're here.

/ɡlæd/ /hɪr/

Hey, um, before I forget, Mom,

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /mɒm/

did you remember to get more double-A batteries?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ɡɛt/ /mɔːr/

Oh, they're upstairs, sweetie.

/ˌʌpˈstɛrz/ /ˈswiːti/

Right next to your washed and folded clothes.

/raɪt/ /nɛkst/ /jʊr/ /ænd/ /kloʊðz/

Oh, great, okay. I don't want my Game Boy to crap out.

/ɡreɪt/ /wɒnt/ /maɪ/ /ɡeɪm/ /bɔɪ/ /aʊt/

I'm having the sickest Dr. Mario run of my life.

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /rʌn/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Okay. I'll be right back.

/biː/ /raɪt/ /bæk/

I love you, Lily.

/lʌv/ /juː/

Okay.

You're the best, Mom.

/bɛst/ /mɒm/

Aw... Anything for my baby bear.

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /bɛr/

Get him out of my house.

/ɡɛt/ /hɪm/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /haʊs/

Take Marshall back to New York with you.

/teɪk/ /bæk/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Please, I am begging you.

/pliːz/ /juː/

I thought he was here helping you.

/θɔːt/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /hɪr/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /juː/

Well, he was, at first.

/wɛl/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /fɜːrst/

But once he saw me starting

/bʌt/ /wʌns/ /hiː/ /sɔː/ /miː/

to do better, he kind of regressed.

/duː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /hiː/ /kaɪnd/

He's been holed up in his room for days at a time,

/ʌp/ /hɪz/ /ruːm/ /fɔːr/ /taɪm/

playing old video games.

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /oʊld/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /ɡeɪmz/

I mean, he is having a pretty sick Dr. Mario run, but...

/miːn/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈprɪti/ /sɪk/ /rʌn/ /bʌt/

Uh, I'll talk to him.

/tɔːk/ /hɪm/

I want to be there for him,

/wɒnt/ /biː/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /hɪm/

but it's like he's a teenager again.

/bʌt/ /laɪk/ /əˈɡɛn/

I even walked in on him abusing himself.

/ˈiːvən/ /ɒn/ /hɪm/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

Oh, God.

There he was, on the bed,

/ðɛr/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /bɛd/

looking at old photos of his dad.

/oʊld/ /hɪz/ /dæd/

That's emotional self-abuse, don't you think?

/ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Hi. Hi.

Listen,

/ˈlɪs.ən/

that was a dumb move for me to just assume...

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /muːv/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /dʒʌst/

No, no, I overreacted.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

I mean, I invited you over to "bake cookies."

/miːn/ /juː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈkʊkiz/

We both knew what that meant.

/wiː/ /boʊθ/ /njuː/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/

We totally did.

/wiː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /dɪd/

I just, you know...

/dʒʌst/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I saw those slippers in your bag,

/sɔː/ /ðoʊz/ /jʊr/ /bæɡ/

and suddenly everything

/ænd/ /ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

felt really serious.

/fɛlt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

And... ever since, I've been asking myself,

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

"Am I ready for this?"

/ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/

And...

/ænd/

the answer is "yes."

/ˈæn.sər/ /ɪz/

They're actually called British morning socks.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Yeah. Don't get in your own way.

/ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/ /weɪ/

Right. Okay.

/raɪt/

Um, Marshall, your mom asked me

/jʊr/ /mɒm/ /miː/

to carry this up.

/ʌp/

She turned her ankle on your Hot Wheels.

/ʃiː/ /hɜːr/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /hɒt/

Is my track okay?

/ɪz/ /maɪ/

It's fine, but, Marshall,

/faɪn/ /bʌt/

I thought you were here taking care of your mom.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /hɪr/ /kɛr/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/

It seems like she's taking care of you.

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /kɛr/ /juː/

My mom loves to feel needed.

/maɪ/ /mɒm/ /lʌvz/ /fiːl/

Letting her take care of me

/hɜːr/ /teɪk/ /kɛr/ /miː/

is how I'm taking care of her.

/ɪz/ /haʊ/ /kɛr/ /hɜːr/

She's in a dark place, Lily.

/dɑːrk/ /pleɪs/

She needs this.

/ʃiː/

Mom?

/mɒm/

You forgot my chocolate milk

/juː/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /maɪ/ /ˈtʃɒklɪt/ /mɪlk/

with the swirly straw!

/wɪð/

Oops. Comin' right up!

/raɪt/ /ʌp/

She needs this.

/ʃiː/

Marshall, tomorrow's Valentine's.

Don't you want to be at home on our couch,

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /hoʊm/ /ɒn/ /aʊər/ /kaʊtʃ/

cuddling up under a warm blanket,

/ʌp/ /ˈʌndər/ /wɔːrm/

watching the Predator use his heat vision

/ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /ˈpredətər/ /juːz/ /hɪz/

to stalk helpless prey?

Well, baby, we could watch Predator here.

/wɛl/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /wiː/ /kʊd/ /wɒtʃ/ /ˈpredətər/ /hɪr/

No, my mom can go rent it for us

/noʊ/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /kæn/ /ɡoʊ/ /rɛnt/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/

after she's done digging out the car.

/ˈæf.tər/ /dʌn/ /aʊt/ /kɑːr/

Marshall, your mom wants you out of here.

/jʊr/ /mɒm/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

What?

/wɒt/

Anything else, sweetie?

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɛls/ /ˈswiːti/

Mom, d-do you want me to leave?

/mɒm/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /liːv/

Heavens to Bess, no!

/noʊ/

Of course not!

/kɔːrs/

But, Judy, you said...

/bʌt/ /juː/ /sɛd/

Oh, if Marshall could stay here forever,

/ɪf/ /kʊd/ /steɪ/ /hɪr/ /fərˈɛvər/

I would be the happiest mom in Minnesota.

/wʊd/ /biː/ /mɒm/

So Valentine's Day is tomorrow.

/deɪ/ /ɪz/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Yeah. You know, there's this new Italian restaurant

/juː/ /noʊ/ /njuː/ /ˈrɛstərɒnt/

on 79th that's supposed to be amazing.

/ɒn/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

I would be happier having just a simple, home-cooked meal.

/wʊd/ /biː/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/ /miːl/

As long as it's with you.

/lɔːŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Tomorrow night, my place.

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

I'm ready for this, Ted.

/ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/

I am in it

/ɪt/

for the long haul.

/fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/

I can't wait for our first Valentine's Day as a couple.

/weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /aʊər/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/ /ˈkʌpəl/

The one we'll remember for years.

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /fɔːr/

Isn't that great? Yeah, if you say so, yeah.

/ðæt/ /ɡreɪt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /seɪ/

What do you mean?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

Look, she just got out of a marriage, Ted.

/lʊk/ /ʃiː/ /dʒʌst/ /aʊt/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

That's heavy.

/ˈhɛvi/

I'm kind of freaking out, just listening to you.

/kaɪnd/ /aʊt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈlɪsənɪŋ/ /juː/

My heart is pounding,

/maɪ/ /hɑːrt/ /ɪz/

I'm hearing this weird clicking noise.

/nɔɪz/

Well, it's romantic, right?

/wɛl/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/ /raɪt/

Zoey and I are getting serious on Valentine's Day.

/ænd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /ɒn/ /deɪ/

See, that just amps up the pressure even more.

/siː/ /ðæt/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /ˈiːvən/ /mɔːr/

Boy, it's a good thing that you're sure.

/bɔɪ/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ʃʊr/

Who said I wasn't sure?

/huː/ /sɛd/ /ʃʊr/

I'm glad we're in a serious relationship.

/ɡlæd/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

Right away.

/raɪt/ /əˈweɪ/

And if I screw this up,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /skruː/ /ʌp/

I'm the devil,

because she's going through a divorce.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /dɪˈvɔːrs/

But I'm not going to screw this up.

/bʌt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /skruː/ /ʌp/

So stop freaking out, Robin.

/stɒp/ /aʊt/

Stop freaking out!

/stɒp/ /aʊt/

Kids, I'm not super proud of what I did next.

/kɪdz/ /ˈsuːpər/ /praʊd/ /wɒt/ /dɪd/ /nɛkst/

Hi!

I'm here to help Marshall.

/hɪr/ /hɛlp/

Meanwhile, as Desperation Day

/deɪ/

turned into Desperation Night...

/naɪt/

God, these girls are so hungry for male attention.

/ðiːz/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/ /fɔːr/ /meɪl/

It is like being a hunter and having the deer walk up,

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/ /ænd/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /wɔːk/ /ʌp/

tie itself to the hood of your car

/taɪ/ /jʊr/ /kɑːr/

and beg to get mounted.

/ænd/ /ɡɛt/

Barney, this is

/ɪz/

Bev and Anna, uh, my coworkers and my friends.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/

Bev, Anna, this is Barney, a high-functioning sociopath

/ɪz/

and my ex.

/ænd/ /maɪ/

Enchanté.

That's French for "What's with the purple?"

/fɔːr/ /wɪð/

Well, tomorrow is Valentine's Day,

/wɛl/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ɪz/ /deɪ/

and everything is pink and red, so Bev

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ænd/ /rɛd/

very thoughtfully suggested

/ˈvɛr.i/

that we wear purple to show how little we care.

/ðæt/ /wiː/ /wɛr/ /ʃoʊ/ /haʊ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /wiː/ /kɛr/

I use, uh, colors to express emotion.

/juːz/ /ɪkˈsprɛs/

Purple is for pride.

/ɪz/ /fɔːr/

It was a stupid idea.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Bev, you look at me.

/juː/ /lʊk/ /miː/

It's not a stupid idea.

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Tonight, we are queens.

/təˈnaɪt/ /wiː/

And we don't care about some stupid,

/ænd/ /wiː/ /kɛr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /sʌm/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

sexist, corporate holiday.

/ˈhɒlɪdeɪ/

Please!

/pliːz/

You might as well be dog-earing a tear-stained bridal magazine

/juː/ /maɪt/ /wɛl/ /biː/ /ˌmæɡəˈziːn/

while wolfing down the box of chocolates

/waɪl/ /daʊn/ /bɒks/

you had delivered to yourself at work

/juː/ /hæd/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /wɜːrk/

from your "fiancé" who no one's ever met.

/jʊr/ /huː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Gerard is real!

/ɪz/ /riːl/

Ted... I thought you were going

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

to talk to Marshall about coming back to New York.

/tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /bæk/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Yeah, but, you know, things move so fast in New York.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /θɪŋz/ /muːv/ /fæst/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Why not hang out here until at least after Valentine's Day?

/waɪ/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/ /ənˈtɪl/ /liːst/ /ˈæf.tər/ /deɪ/

Plus, we're helping Marshall's mom.

/plʌs/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /mɒm/

Uh, Mrs. Eriksen, we're running low on SunnyD!

/ˈmɪsɪz/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /loʊ/ /ɒn/

Is orange juice okay?

/ɪz/ /ˈɒrɪndʒ/ /dʒuːs/

No!

/noʊ/

Okay, when your "fiancé" Gerard comes back

/wɛn/ /jʊr/ /bæk/

from fixing cleft palates in Peru,

maybe snatch a photo of the two of you together,

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈfoʊtoʊ/ /tuː/ /juː/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

and then I'll totally believe you.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /bɪˈliːv/ /juː/

Well, he's going to Kenya after Peru, so...

/wɛl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈæf.tər/

Hey, guys, so sorry I'm late.

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /leɪt/

Hey. Hey, Nora. Uh, Nora, this is Barney.

/ɪz/

You want to see Anna beat him in an arm wrestle?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /biːt/ /hɪm/

My elbow slipped!

/maɪ/

Marshall, I'm going home.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hoʊm/

What?

/wɒt/

I'm flying out tonight before the big storm,

/aʊt/ /təˈnaɪt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /bɪɡ/ /stɔːrm/

and I want you to come with me.

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /juː/ /kʌm/ /wɪð/ /miː/

I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.

/raɪt/ /naʊ/ /kɔːz/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /miː/

While I'm sure it's been really helpful

/waɪl/ /ʃʊr/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

for her to have you here

/fɔːr/ /hɜːr/ /hæv/ /juː/ /hɪr/

playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /ˈsuːpər/ /fɔːr/ /ˈaʊərz/ /deɪ/

You have Super Mario Kart?!

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈsuːpər/

Hell, yeah.

But your mom doesn't need you.

/bʌt/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /niːd/ /juː/

Your life in New York needs you.

/jʊr/ /laɪf/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /juː/

It needs you really bad.

/ɪt/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bæd/

Baby, don't go.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ɡoʊ/

Please come home soon.

/pliːz/ /kʌm/ /hoʊm/ /suːn/

So, you were an Olympic gymnast?

/juː/ /wɜːr/

Silver medal.

Ooh, sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Gold's the only thing that really counts.

/ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

That's what my dad said.

/wɒt/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /sɛd/

And she sticks the landing.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/

Why don't you start stretching, and I'll...

/waɪ/ /juː/ /stɑːrt/ /ænd/

be right back.

/biː/ /raɪt/ /bæk/

Hey, hey, sorry. Oh, hi.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Quick question. Yeah.

/kwɪk/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

Why aren't you wearing purple like your friends?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/ /frɛndz/

Oh, I told them I forgot, but the truth is,

/toʊld/ /ðɛm/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /bʌt/ /truːθ/ /ɪz/

I'm kind of protesting their protest.

/kaɪnd/ /ðɛr/

Can you keep a secret?

/kæn/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

Sure.

/ʃʊr/

I love Valentine's Day.

/lʌv/ /deɪ/

Oh, my gosh! Me, too!

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/ /miː/

Um, is it getting crowded in here, 'cause I think

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈkraʊdɪd/ /hɪr/ /kɔːz/ /θɪŋk/

there are two peas in this pod?

/ðɛr/ /tuː/

Oh, you're a gooey romantic, too?

/roʊˈmæntɪk/

Guilty. This is embarrassing,

/ˈɡɪlti/ /ɪz/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

but every year, I buy flowers and a box of chocolates,

/bʌt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /jɪr/ /baɪ/ /ˈflaʊərz/ /ænd/ /bɒks/

even if I'm not with someone.

/ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /wɪð/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

Just in case, you know?

/dʒʌst/ /juː/ /noʊ/

We are pitiful. The worst.

/wiː/ /wɜːrst/

Although there is one difference between you and me.

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /juː/ /ænd/ /miː/

What's that? I'm not saying any of this

/ðæt/ /ˈɛn.i/

to get in your pants.

/ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /pænts/

I miss my dad, Ted.

/mɪs/ /maɪ/ /dæd/

I miss him so much.

/mɪs/ /hɪm/ /mʌtʃ/

I know.

/noʊ/

Um, when I was a kid,

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /kɪd/

we would spend the summers in the Upper Peninsula.

/wiː/ /wʊd/ /spɛnd/

And every year, we wouldn't get to the cabin

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /jɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/

till, like, the middle of the night.

/laɪk/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /naɪt/

And so, it would be pitch black,

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /blæk/

in the middle of the woods.

/ˈmɪdəl/

And I could never see anything in front of the headlights,

/ænd/ /kʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /siː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

but I always felt so safe 'cause my dad was driving.

/bʌt/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /fɛlt/ /seɪf/ /kɔːz/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /wɒz/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/

He was like some sort of superhero

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/ /sʌm/ /sɔːrt/

who could just see way out into the darkness.

/huː/ /kʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /siː/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/

Now he's just gone.

/naʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɔːn/

And it's pitch black.

/ænd/ /blæk/

And I can't see where I'm going.

/ænd/ /siː/ /wɛr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

I can't see anything.

/siː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

All right, okay.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

I was playing you before.

/wɒz/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /juː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

But I was really doing you a public service.

/bʌt/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /juː/ /ˈpʌblɪk/

It's February 13--

a day many are now calling Desperation Day.

/deɪ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /naʊ/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /deɪ/

It's kind of a thing.

/kaɪnd/ /θɪŋ/

And you walking around, saying you're a gooey romantic?

/ænd/ /juː/ /əˈraʊnd/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

It comes across a bit desperate.

/ɪt/ /əˈkrɒs/

What's desperate about knowing what you want?

/əˈbaʊt/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

Look, life is really short, Barney.

/lʊk/ /laɪf/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ʃɔːrt/

Who wants to spend Valentine's Day alone,

/huː/ /spɛnd/ /deɪ/ /əˈloʊn/

distracting yourself from the fact

/jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /fækt/

that nobody loves you with some sad little activity?

/ðæt/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /lʌvz/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /sʌm/ /sæd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Um, or you could be in the 47th Semi-Annual

/juː/ /kʊd/ /biː/

Laser Tag Tournament in Poughkeepsie.

/ˈleɪzər/ /ˈtɔːrnəmənt/

I have no idea what any of those words mean.

/hæv/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /wɒt/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ðoʊz/ /wɜːrdz/ /miːn/

Hey, I'm all stretched out!

/ɔːl/ /aʊt/

Here's the first thing you need to know about laser tag.

/fɜːrst/ /θɪŋ/ /juː/ /niːd/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈleɪzər/

Thanks a lot for coming out here, man.

/lɒt/ /fɔːr/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/ /mæn/

Hey, are-are you sure it's okay with Zoey

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /wɪð/

that you're here for Valentine's Day?

/ðæt/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /deɪ/

Well, I mean, technically, she doesn't know yet.

/wɛl/ /miːn/ /ʃiː/ /noʊ/ /jɛt/

What?

/wɒt/

Things with Zoey

/θɪŋz/ /wɪð/

are moving really fast,

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /fæst/

and the divorce just makes everything more complicated.

/ænd/ /dɪˈvɔːrs/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /mɔːr/

I just, I needed to take a step back.

/dʒʌst/ /teɪk/ /stɛp/ /bæk/

You're not taking a step back.

/stɛp/ /bæk/

You're running away.

/ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /əˈweɪ/

And hiding out here,

/ænd/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

hiding out here is not gonna solve anything.

/aʊt/ /hɪr/ /ɪz/ /sɒlv/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

You're just

/dʒʌst/

holed up in Minnesota

/ʌp/

because you're too scared to face reality, and it's...

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /skɛrd/ /feɪs/ /ænd/

We got to go back to New York, tonight.

/wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /təˈnaɪt/

We're snowed in. Lily got the last flight.

/læst/ /flaɪt/

So, we drive. It's time.

/wiː/ /draɪv/ /taɪm/

It's time to get back to real life.

/taɪm/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /riːl/ /laɪf/

It's time to grow up.

/taɪm/ /ɡroʊ/ /ʌp/

Mom! Mom!

/mɒm/ /mɒm/

Can you make us some PB and J's for the road?

/kæn/ /juː/ /meɪk/ /ʌs/ /sʌm/ /ænd/ /fɔːr/ /roʊd/

Crusts cut off.

/kʌt/ /ɒf/

Crusts cut off!

/kʌt/ /ɒf/

No, Ted. What are we...?

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wiː/

We're men.

/mɛn/

Mom!

/mɒm/

Leave the crusts on!

/liːv/ /ɒn/

They forced their opponents to scatter, picking them off,

/ðeɪ/ /ðɛr/ /ðɛm/ /ɒf/

one by one, in a swift and merciless slaughter.

/ænd/

became the 2010 Tri-County Champions.

Wow. Laser tag sounds brilliant!

/ˈleɪzər/

Oh, it is.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/

Plus, if you win, you get free pizza!

/plʌs/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɪn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /friː/

This is my teammate for tomorrow.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /fɔːr/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Oh, yeah, I agreed to that.

/ðæt/

Where are Bev and Anna?

/wɛr/ /ænd/

Well... Well...

/wɛl/ /wɛl/

So, we're taking off.

/ɒf/

What?

/wɒt/

Those guys are gonna

/ðoʊz/ /ɡaɪz/

buy us hot dogs at Grey's Papaya.

/baɪ/ /ʌs/ /hɒt/ /dɒɡz/

What...? So that's it?

/wɒt/ /ɪt/

A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages, and you're gone?

/ˈkʌpəl/ /ˈɒfər/ /juː/ /ænd/ /ɡɔːn/

What about the sisterhood?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

Solidarity? The color purple?

/ˈkʌlər/

But tomorrow's Valentine's Day.

/bʌt/ /deɪ/

I thought we didn't care about Valentine's Day.

/θɔːt/ /wiː/ /kɛr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /deɪ/

Look, Robin, you'll find someone, too.

/lʊk/ /faɪnd/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

You're a queen.

You've got so much to offer.

/mʌtʃ/ /ˈɒfər/

Maybe do something with that hair.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /hɛr/

I'm telling you.

/juː/

The power of Valentine's Day.

/ˈpaʊər/ /deɪ/

I'm Huey Lewis, and you just heard the news.

/ænd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /hɜːrd/ /njuːz/

Well, I think I'm heading out, too.

/wɛl/ /θɪŋk/ /aʊt/

What? No, don't go! You want to see a magic trick?!

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /ˈmædʒɪk/

It's late, and I have a date with my pillow.

/leɪt/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈpɪloʊ/

I mean, not literally. I'm not a lunatic.

/miːn/

Boy Scout Troop 15 Boy Scout Troop 15

/bɔɪ/ /bɔɪ/

doesn't stand a chance.

/stænd/ /tʃæns/

Bye.

/baɪ/

Speaking of the power of Valentine's Day...

/ˈspiːkɪŋ/ /ˈpaʊər/ /deɪ/

What are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Oh, come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

It's-It's past midnight.

/pæst/

Desperation Day has come and gone,

/deɪ/ /hæz/ /kʌm/ /ænd/ /ɡɔːn/

and you have neither gone nor come.

/ænd/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ɡɔːn/ /kʌm/

You know why?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/

You like Nora.

/juː/ /laɪk/

No, I don't. She's gross.

/noʊ/

Oh... You like her.

/juː/ /laɪk/ /hɜːr/

You think she smells like rain.

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ʃiː/ /laɪk/ /reɪn/

Whatever you say.

/juː/ /seɪ/

Oh, hey, Nora.

Nora... Nora...

Here's a secret.

/ˈsiːkrɪt/

I couldn't see worth a damn, either, buddy.

/siː/ /wɜːrθ/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /ˈbʌdi/

I just kept driving forward, hoping for the best.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /ˈfɔːr.wərd/ /ˈhoʊpɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /bɛst/

Look out!

/lʊk/ /aʊt/

Gotcha.

And so we drove through the night,

/ænd/ /wiː/ /θruː/ /naɪt/

out of Desperation Day and into Valentine's.

/aʊt/ /deɪ/ /ænd/

And there was no trace of my little freak out, except...

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /friːk/ /aʊt/ /ɪkˈsɛpt/

Really? An overnight bag for your own living room?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bæɡ/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ruːm/

Looks like we got a matching set.

/laɪk/ /wiː/ /sɛt/