Season 6 · Tập 17

NARRATOR: Kids, sometimes wonderful things

/kɪdz/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/ /θɪŋz/

come out of horrible situations.

/kʌm/ /aʊt/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/

Like, remember that trip I took to Hong Kong

/laɪk/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/ /trɪp/ /tʊk/

where I got stuck in the airport?

/wɛr/ /stʌk/ /ˈɛərpɔːrt/

Well, a funny thing happened that day.

/wɛl/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/

Yes, I realize it's raining,

but, come on, it's 2021.

/bʌt/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

We can make cell phones that project holograms,

/wiː/ /kæn/ /meɪk/ /ðæt/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/

but a light drizzle shuts down a whole airport?

/bʌt/ /laɪt/ /daʊn/ /hoʊl/ /ˈɛərpɔːrt/

Hey, Ted.

Hey... Hey...

There she is.

/ðɛr/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/

Wow. Wow.

Wendy the Waitress. Wendy the Waitress!

I was just saying-- what are you doing here?

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

What was she doing there?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ʃiː/ /ðɛr/

For that, we have to back up about ten years.

/fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /bæk/ /ʌp/ /əˈbaʊt/ /tɛn/

So, Barney, I hear you and Nora

/hɪr/ /juː/ /ænd/

had a fun time at laser tag.

/hæd/ /fʌn/ /taɪm/ /ˈleɪzər/

I don't know where you heard that.

/noʊ/ /wɛr/ /juː/ /hɜːrd/ /ðæt/

It was a disaster.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dɪˈzæstər/

Not according to her.

/hɜːr/

Oh, my God, this was so much fun.

/maɪ/ /wɒz/ /mʌtʃ/ /fʌn/

We have to do this again. We do, we have to.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /duː/ /əˈɡɛn/ /wiː/ /duː/ /wiː/ /hæv/

You want to grab a drink right now?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡræb/ /drɪŋk/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

No, I'm kind of tired.

/noʊ/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/

But...

/bʌt/

this is my number.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈnʌmbər/

Give me a call.

/ɡɪv/ /miː/ /kɔːl/

Absolutely.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/

How is that a disaster?

/haʊ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /dɪˈzæstər/

She didn't want to get drinks.

/ʃiː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /drɪŋks/

And as soon as a girl says

/ænd/ /suːn/ /ɡɜːrl/

she doesn't want to get drinks, well...

/ʃiː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /drɪŋks/ /wɛl/

You want to grab a drink right now? No, I'm kind of tired.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡræb/ /drɪŋk/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /noʊ/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/

Absolutely.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/

It's a shame, too.

/ʃeɪm/

She was a really great laser tag partner.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈleɪzər/ /ˈpɑːrtnər/

She's tiny, so she's allowed to push kids.

/ˈtaɪni/ /pʊʃ/ /kɪdz/

Please, Cheese. You like this girl.

/pliːz/ /tʃiːz/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /ɡɜːrl/

What? Nora?

/wɒt/

No, I don't.

/noʊ/

Barney, you can't say her name without smiling.

/juː/ /seɪ/ /hɜːr/ /neɪm/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

That's...

Nora. Nora.

Sorry, sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

I was thinking of a funny thing

/wɒz/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /θɪŋ/

that Nora said. Hmm.

/ðæt/ /sɛd/

Stop it.

/stɒp/ /ɪt/

No... ra. No... ra.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

Nah... Nah...

Damn it, what is the matter with me?

/ɪt/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈmætər/ /wɪð/ /miː/

You like her. You should call her.

/juː/ /laɪk/ /hɜːr/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /kɔːl/ /hɜːr/

Call her?

/kɔːl/ /hɜːr/

Robin, three things: she had a nice face,

/θriː/ /θɪŋz/ /ʃiː/ /hæd/ /naɪs/ /feɪs/

her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.

/hɜːr/ /wɒz/ /pleɪs/ /bʌt/

That is ridiculous.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

Barney, you know what, here's some advice.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /sʌm/ /ədˈvaɪs/

Totally.

/ˈtoʊtəli/

NARRATOR: Kids, I had just started dating Zoey.

/kɪdz/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

And when you first start dating someone,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /fɜːrst/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

everyone wants to know the same thing. How did we meet?

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /noʊ/ /seɪm/ /θɪŋ/ /haʊ/ /dɪd/ /wiː/ /miːt/

Oh, Ted, she doesn't want... No, it's a cute story.

/ʃiː/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /kjuːt/ /ˈstɔːri/

Once upon a time...

/wʌns/ /taɪm/

Zoey was married to this super rich, super creepy guy

/wɒz/ /ˈmærid/ /ˈsuːpər/ /rɪtʃ/ /ˈsuːpər/ /ˈkriːpi/ /ɡaɪ/

called The Captain.

/ˈkæptɪn/

So when Zoey and I became friends,

/wɛn/ /ænd/ /frɛndz/

I was careful not to cross any lines.

/wɒz/ /ˈkɛr.fəl/ /krɒs/ /ˈɛn.i/

Oh, man, this movie is scary.

/mæn/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ɪz/ /ˈskɛri/

I know, right?

/noʊ/ /raɪt/

But then one day,

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /deɪ/

Zoey and The Captain had a huge fight.

/ænd/ /ˈkæptɪn/ /hæd/ /hjuːdʒ/ /faɪt/

He flipped out and demanded a divorce.

/hiː/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /dɪˈvɔːrs/

And she was heartbroken.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/

But after a little soul-searching,

/bʌt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

she ended up back in my life, and the rest, as they say,

/ʃiː/ /ʌp/ /bæk/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /ænd/ /rɛst/ /ðeɪ/ /seɪ/

is history.

/ɪz/ /ˈhɪstəri/

Actually, I said, "How's your meat?"

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /sɛd/ /jʊr/ /miːt/

Oh. Oh.

A little cold.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /koʊld/

Gee, wonder why.

/ˈwʌndər/ /waɪ/

Oh, Ted, did you have a chance to pick up that box

/dɪd/ /juː/ /hæv/ /tʃæns/ /pɪk/ /ʌp/ /ðæt/ /bɒks/

I left at my old apartment?

/lɛft/ /maɪ/ /oʊld/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Oh. Yeah, I don't want to see The Captain.

/wɒnt/ /siː/ /ˈkæptɪn/

I mean this in a super manly way.

/miːn/ /ˈsuːpər/ /weɪ/

That guy scares the panties off me.

/ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɒf/ /miː/

ZOEY: You don't have to see him.

/juː/ /hæv/ /siː/ /hɪm/

He left the box with the doorman.

/hiː/ /lɛft/ /bɒks/ /wɪð/

If it's really important to you, I will pick it up tomorrow.

/ɪf/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /pɪk/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

All right, guys, I have to go. I have a big

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /hæv/ /bɪɡ/

meaningless stack of paperwork that I have to get off my desk

/ðæt/ /hæv/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒf/ /maɪ/ /dɛsk/

to make room for tomorrow's big meaningless stack of paperwork.

/meɪk/ /ruːm/ /fɔːr/ /bɪɡ/

But it's all worth it,

/bʌt/ /ɔːl/ /wɜːrθ/ /ɪt/

you know, 'cause at least I know I'm making the world a... place.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /kɔːz/ /liːst/ /noʊ/ /wɜːrld/ /pleɪs/

All right, see you guys later.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /siː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈleɪtər/

I'm worried about Marshall.

/ˈwʌrid/ /əˈbaʊt/

He doesn't seem like himself lately.

/hiː/ /siːm/ /laɪk/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

Yeah, he's been really... quiet.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈkwaɪɪt/

Well, that's just what Minnesota guys are like--

/wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒt/ /ɡaɪz/ /laɪk/

strong, silent, you know, man's man.

/strɒŋ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /mæn/

Like Prince.

/laɪk/

No, it's more than that.

/noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ðæt/

It's like, all the stuff he used to love,

/laɪk/ /ɔːl/ /stʌf/ /hiː/ /lʌv/

he suddenly has no interest in anymore.

/hiː/ /ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /hæz/ /noʊ/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Oh. Oh.

Ha-wink.

Excuse me?

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Lily, in my travels,

/maɪ/

I've developed a finely calibrated sense

/sɛns/

of how long it's been since--

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /sɪns/

How do I not put this delicately?--

/haʊ/ /duː/ /pʊt/

a girl's been porked.

And, boo,

/ænd/

you've been pork-free so long,

/lɔːŋ/

you're practically kosher.

It's been a while.

/waɪl/

Five weeks, three days by my estimation.

/faɪv/ /θriː/ /maɪ/

You should work at a carnival.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /wɜːrk/

I tried.

They're pretty strict with backgrounds.

/ˈprɪti/ /strɪkt/ /wɪð/

Anyway, we should get going.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Yeah, I'll walk out with you guys.

/wɔːk/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Good night. Good night, guys.

/ɡʊd/ /naɪt/ /ɡʊd/ /naɪt/ /ɡaɪz/

18 weeks.

Damn it.

/ɪt/

Okay, yes, I am in a bit of a dry spell.

/draɪ/

Hmm. Hmm.

But I just started a new job,

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /njuː/ /dʒɒb/

and dating's been on the back burner, and...

/ænd/ /ɒn/ /bæk/ /ænd/

Shh. Shh.

Child, listen.

/tʃaɪld/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

If you're really hurting for it,

/ɪf/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

I'd be more than happy to throw you one.

/biː/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ˈhæp.i/ /θroʊ/ /juː/

Throw me one? Yeah.

/θroʊ/ /miː/

We're exes. We're probably due for a backslide.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /fɔːr/

Or we could just do it the normal way.

/wiː/ /kʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /ˈnɔːrməl/ /weɪ/

Oh, I see what's going on.

/siː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Yeah?

This is about Nora.

/ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/

You met a girl, you liked her, but then you missed your shot.

/juː/ /ɡɜːrl/ /juː/ /hɜːr/ /bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /juː/ /mɪst/ /jʊr/ /ʃɒt/

And now you're trying to hook up with your ex-girlfriend

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/

to prove to yourself that you don't care.

/pruːv/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /kɛr/

Robin, you could not be more--

/juː/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /mɔːr/

What do you mean I missed my shot?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /mɪst/ /maɪ/ /ʃɒt/

Nora met a guy. What?!

/ɡaɪ/ /wɒt/

(quietly): What?

/wɒt/

Yep. Off the market.

/ɒf/

He's taking her to Cafe L'Amour this Friday night.

/hɜːr/ /naɪt/

But "L'Amour" means love!

/bʌt/ /lʌv/

They're going to the cafe of love!

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /lʌv/

I'm fine. It's fine.

/faɪn/ /faɪn/

Point is,

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/

Robin, I don't even like Nora.

/ˈiːvən/ /laɪk/

Damn it!

/ɪt/

Oh, baby, why aren't you in bed?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /bɛd/

I can't sleep.

/sliːp/

Mmm. Mmm.

Anything I can do to help you with that?

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /kæn/ /duː/ /hɛlp/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

Maybe after this documentary on garbage.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɒn/ /ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/

Man, I am losing my touch.

/mæn/ /maɪ/ /tʌtʃ/

MAN (rhotacistic): Nearly twice the size of Texas,

/mæn/ /ˈnɪərli/ /saɪz/

the Gweat Pacific Garbage Patch, or "Garbage Island,"

/ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/ /ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

is an enviwonmental disaster.

/ɪz/ /dɪˈzæstər/

Sepawated from its pawents, Sepawated from its pawents,

/ɪts/ /ɪts/

this young bird stwuggles to survive,

/jʌŋ/ /bɜːrd/ /sərˈvaɪv/

stwangling itself in the plastic wings of a six-pack.

/wɪŋz/

Marshall Eriksen, I think you know what you have to do.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /duː/

I have to save the planet!

/hæv/ /seɪv/ /ˈplænɪt/

Is it over? I call on top.

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /kɔːl/ /ɒn/ /tɒp/

Ow! Ow!

NARRATOR: A few days later, I headed over to The Captain's building

/fjuː/ /ˈleɪtər/ /ˈhɛdɪd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

to get Zoey's box.

/ɡɛt/ /bɒks/

I'm here to... Ted.

/hɪr/

What a surprise.

/wɒt/ /sərˈpraɪz/

Ted. Ted.

Captain. I...

/ˈkæptɪn/

You've come to rescue me

/kʌm/ /miː/

from the capsized wreckage of my marriage.

/maɪ/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

Mm... Mm...

I hesitated calling you

/ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /juː/

because I know you and Zoey were friendly.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /ænd/ /wɜːr/ /ˈfrɛndli/

Pssh, nah... But my wife has left me.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/ /hæz/ /lɛft/ /miː/

All my friends have abandoned me.

/ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /hæv/ /miː/

Please,

/pliːz/

tell me you're on my side.

/tɛl/ /miː/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /saɪd/

Let's adjourn to the study.

/ˈstʌd.i/

Garbage Island.

/ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

You haven't heard

/juː/ /hɜːrd/

of Garbage Island?

/ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

It's an island...

/ˈaɪlənd/

made of garbage!

/ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/

It's in the Pacific Ocean.

It's twice the size of Texas!

/saɪz/

In other words, one-eighth the size of Canada.

/ˈʌð.ər/ /wɜːrdz/ /saɪz/ /ˈkænədə/

So...

Guys, I'm going environmental, okay?

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɪnˌvaɪrənˈmɛntəl/

Phase one: the bar.

/bɑːr/

I've already convinced MacLaren's to implement

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

a new green initiative.

/njuː/ /ɡriːn/

That's 'cause of you?

/kɔːz/ /juː/

I got to carry an 80-pound bag of bottles

/bæɡ/

to the recycling center every night.

/ˌriːˈsaɪklɪŋ/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /naɪt/

I threw my back out.

/maɪ/ /bæk/ /aʊt/

You're welcome... Earth.

/ˈwɛlkəm/ /ɜːrθ/

Phase two:

/tuː/

GNB. GNB.

Tomorrow I'm going to make a presentation

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /meɪk/ /ˌprɛzənˈteɪʃən/

in front of the board about how we can cut

/bɔːrd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /haʊ/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /kʌt/

our carbon footprint by half for only $12 million.

/aʊər/ /hæf/ /fɔːr/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈmɪljən/

Dude, don't do that. All they're going to hear

/duː/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hɪr/

is "$12 million," and all you're going to hear

/ɪz/ /ˈmɪljən/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hɪr/

is the sound of the door smacking your fired ass.

/ɪz/ /saʊnd/ /dɔːr/ /jʊr/ /faɪərd/

And some muffled laughter.

/ænd/ /sʌm/

Which I apologize for in advance.

/wɪtʃ/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/ /fɔːr/

TED: Guys,

/ɡaɪz/

I got a problem.

/ˈprɒbləm/

I ran into The Captain.

/ræn/ /ˈkæptɪn/

Ted, beneath this

lustrous mane, I wear the horns of a cuckold.

/wɛr/

Zoey left me for another man.

/lɛft/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /əˈnʌðər/ /mæn/

Wow. Wow.

Do you have any idea who it could be?

/duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /huː/ /ɪt/ /kʊd/ /biː/

NARRATOR: The Captain then told a story much different

/ˈkæptɪn/ /ðɛn/ /toʊld/ /ˈstɔːri/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

than the one I'd been telling.

/ðæn/

But one maybe just as true.

/bʌt/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /dʒʌst/ /truː/

Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy.

/wʌns/ /taɪm/ /ænd/ /wɜːr/ /ˈhæp.i/

Blissful as Arcadian shepherds.

I was Poseidon,

/wɒz/

she my Amphitrite.

/ʃiː/ /maɪ/

I dare say, Scylla and Charybdis

/seɪ/ /ænd/

could not have torn us asunder.

/kʊd/ /hæv/ /ʌs/

We had great big boners for each other.

/wiː/ /hæd/ /ɡreɪt/ /bɪɡ/ /fɔːr/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

But then...

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/

enter the scoundrel.

/ˈɛntər/

Oh, man, this movie's scary.

/mæn/ /ˈskɛri/

I know, eh?

/noʊ/

I don't know what he looks like,

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /hiː/ /laɪk/

but I picture him with a mustache.

/bʌt/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /hɪm/ /wɪð/

TED: Yes!

Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.

/sɜːrtʃ/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɪð/ /smɑːrt/

Anyway, soon the inevitable happened.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /suːn/ /ˈhæpənd/

She told me she was in love with someone else.

/ʃiː/ /toʊld/ /miː/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɛls/

Obviously, it made me angry.

/ˈɒbviəsli/ /ɪt/ /miː/ /ˈæŋɡri/

And that's the last time you saw her.

/ænd/ /læst/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /sɔː/ /hɜːr/

But I gathered my composure,

/bʌt/ /maɪ/

and told her I'd do anything to keep her.

/ænd/ /toʊld/ /hɜːr/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /kiːp/ /hɜːr/

I begged her not to leave.

/hɜːr/ /liːv/

We made love that night.

/wiː/ /lʌv/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

That's damn good brandy.

/ɡʊd/

But morning came,

/bʌt/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

and she was gone.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ɡɔːn/

Oh, Captain...

/ˈkæptɪn/

don't blame yourself.

/bleɪm/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

I don't blame myself. Hmm?

/bleɪm/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

There's only one man I blame for this.

/ˈoʊnli/ /mæn/ /bleɪm/ /fɔːr/

Me.

/miː/

I'm the bad guy.

/bæd/ /ɡaɪ/

Well, maybe to him you are, but in the story

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /hɪm/ /juː/ /bʌt/ /ˈstɔːri/

of picking up the box for Zoey,

/ʌp/ /bɒks/ /fɔːr/

you're the hero.

Damn it! The box!

/ɪt/ /bɒks/

Baby, baby, I really got to work on this presentation.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɜːrk/ /ɒn/ /ˌprɛzənˈteɪʃən/

Oh, that's too bad,

/bæd/

'cause I was going to make a little presentation of my own.

/kɔːz/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /meɪk/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˌprɛzənˈteɪʃən/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/

Okay, um, how about this:

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

from now until tomorrow afternoon,

/naʊ/ /ənˈtɪl/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ˌæftərˈnuːn/

I do this, and then tomorrow night, I do that.

/duː/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/ /duː/ /ðæt/

Deal.

/diːl/

Come on, come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

Lily! Lily!

You lying little minx.

/juː/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

I happened to be at Cafe L'Amour tonight

/ˈhæpənd/ /biː/ /təˈnaɪt/

from 5:00 p.m. until closing,

/ənˈtɪl/

reading a newspaper with two holes cut out of it,

/ˈriː.dɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /tuː/ /kʌt/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/

and I never saw Nora

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /sɔː/

or this Italian race car driver she's dating.

/reɪs/ /kɑːr/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

Sorry. Who said anything about an...?

/ˈsɒr.i/ /huː/ /sɛd/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Come on, you just know he's an Italian race car driver.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /noʊ/ /reɪs/ /kɑːr/

No, he's not. He doesn't exist.

/noʊ/ /hiː/

I made the whole thing up to see if you like her.

/hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /siː/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /hɜːr/

And you do.

/ænd/ /juː/ /duː/

So you should just call her.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /kɔːl/ /hɜːr/

Here is her number.

/hɪr/ /ɪz/ /hɜːr/ /ˈnʌmbər/

And I also programmed it

/ænd/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /ɪt/

into your phone while you were in the bathroom.

/jʊr/ /foʊn/ /waɪl/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈbæθruːm/

Wow. That was a joke. You just got here, remember?

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /dʒoʊk/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /hɪr/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

You really are smitten.

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

No, I'm not.

/noʊ/

I'm Barney Stinson.

I don't get smitten, I smite!

/ɡɛt/

You are totally smitten,

/juː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

but you're scared of being in a relationship.

/bʌt/ /skɛrd/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

No, I'm not.

/noʊ/

I can't be anyone's boyfriend, Robin.

/biː/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/

If I got serious with Nora, it would be like

/ɪf/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /laɪk/

if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on

/ɪf/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /ɔːl/ /hɜːr/ /ɒn/

one really hot orphan.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɒt/

With great penis comes great responsibility.

/wɪð/ /ɡreɪt/ /ɡreɪt/ /rɪˌspɒnsɪˈbɪlɪti/

Okay, Mother Teresa,

/ˈmʌð.ər/

throw me one.

/θroʊ/ /miː/

Sorry?

/ˈsɒr.i/

I would like it if you threw me one.

/wʊd/ /laɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /miː/

Fastball, right down the middle.

/raɪt/ /daʊn/ /ˈmɪdəl/

Actually, if I recall correctly, a slight curve.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ɪf/

Careful, Robin, I'll do it.

/ˈkɛr.fəl/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Oh, I don't think you will. Hmm.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /wɪl/

Because you don't want to screw things up with Nora.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /skruː/ /θɪŋz/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/

Hey, prove me wrong.

/pruːv/ /miː/ /rɒŋ/

Tomorrow night, my place.

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

Don't poke the dragon, Robin,

'cause the dragon will poke you back.

/kɔːz/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /bæk/

Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.

/sɛks/ /naʊ/ /duː/ /ˈæf.tər/

Oh, no, baby, come on.

/noʊ/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

Today didn't go so well.

/təˈdeɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɛl/

The green initiative,

/ɡriːn/

for only $12 million, will change the way...

/fɔːr/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈmɪljən/ /wɪl/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /weɪ/

Okay, I've heard enough.

/hɜːrd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Don't we already have a green initiative?

/wiː/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hæv/ /ɡriːn/

I mean, didn't we do a whole thing?

/miːn/ /wiː/ /duː/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

Hang a banner, make a video, Sting was there.

/meɪk/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /wɒz/ /ðɛr/

I thought I met Sting.

/θɔːt/

You did meet Sting.

/juː/ /dɪd/ /miːt/

Yeah, I met Sting.

So why on Earth would we spend another $12 million?

/waɪ/ /ɒn/ /ɜːrθ/ /wʊd/ /wiː/ /spɛnd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈmɪljən/

Well, because we can always do more.

/wɛl/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /duː/ /mɔːr/

Yeah, but I met Sting.

/bʌt/

Well, meeting Sting isn't gonna fix anything, Arthur!

/wɛl/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /fɪks/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

(sighs) Who here supports Eriksen's proposal?

/huː/ /hɪr/

Well, he has some good points.

/wɛl/ /hiː/ /hæz/ /sʌm/ /ɡʊd/ /pɔɪnts/

Meeker, you're fired!

/faɪərd/

And as for you, Eriksen... His father just died.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /hɪz/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /dʒʌst/ /daɪd/

(sighs)...nice presentation.

/naɪs/ /ˌprɛzənˈteɪʃən/

We'll keep it under advisement.

/kiːp/ /ɪt/ /ˈʌndər/

Meeker got fired because of me.

/faɪərd/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /miː/

I'm the bad guy.

/bæd/ /ɡaɪ/

No, sweetie, just-just put all that

/noʊ/ /ˈswiːti/ /pʊt/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/

out of your mind and relax.

/aʊt/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/ /ænd/ /rɪˈlæks/

Look, I got you a six-pack of tall boys from the deli.

/lʊk/ /juː/ /tɔːl/ /bɔɪz/

Hey, baby. Yeah?

/ˈbeɪbi/

(clears throat) What happened to the plastic rings

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

that held the six-pack together?

/ðæt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Oh, I-I don't know.

/noʊ/

I threw them down the garbage chute.

/ðɛm/ /daʊn/ /ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/

Let's just use the handcuffs instead.

/dʒʌst/ /juːz/ /ɪnˈstɛd/

Baby, birds can get caught in those

/ˈbeɪbi/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /ðoʊz/

and then they dwown in a sea of wubbish!

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ðeɪ/ /siː/

Weren't you listening?

/juː/ /ˈlɪsənɪŋ/

Don't you care about Garbage Island?

/juː/ /kɛr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

Marshall, right now, I don't give a wat's ass

/raɪt/ /naʊ/ /ɡɪv/

about Garbage Island.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

Well, I do.

/wɛl/ /duː/

I got to find those rings!

/faɪnd/ /ðoʊz/

Cwap. Cwap.

Hi, I'm here to pick up...

/hɪr/ /pɪk/ /ʌp/

Hello, Ted.

To the study?

/ˈstʌd.i/

To the study! Mmm.

/ˈstʌd.i/

Ted... Ted...

I know.

/noʊ/

Know what?

/noʊ/ /wɒt/

I know who stole my Zoey.

/noʊ/ /huː/ /stoʊl/ /maɪ/

No man likes to be betrayed,

/noʊ/ /mæn/ /biː/

especially by a friend.

/ɪˈspɛʃəli/ /frɛnd/

You can imagine then

/juː/ /kæn/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /ðɛn/

how painful it was when I learned that the name

/haʊ/ /ˈpeɪnfəl/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /wɛn/ /lɜːrnd/ /ðæt/ /neɪm/

of my betrayer is...

/maɪ/ /ɪz/

Ted... Ted...

when I tell you who it is, you're gonna...

/wɛn/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /huː/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

It's my doorman!

/maɪ/

That son of a bitch!

/ðæt/ /sʌn/

You think Zoey's sleeping with the doorman?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /wɪð/

He always winks and tips his hat when he sees her.

/hiː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ænd/ /hɪz/ /hæt/ /wɛn/ /hiː/ /hɜːr/

I know how these things work.

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ðiːz/ /θɪŋz/ /wɜːrk/

He holds her package,

/hiː/ /hɜːr/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/

and pretty soon, she's holding his.

/ænd/ /ˈprɪti/ /suːn/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /hɪz/

And then there's

/ænd/ /ðɛn/

his glorious mustache.

/hɪz/

I will have him fired for this!

/wɪl/ /hæv/ /hɪm/ /faɪərd/ /fɔːr/

No, no, no, you can't fire him.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /faɪər/ /hɪm/

You're right.

/raɪt/

Maritime protocol demands physical retribution!

/ˈfɪzɪkl/

Oh, my God! No, no!

/maɪ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

No physical retribution! Stop!

/noʊ/ /ˈfɪzɪkl/ /stɒp/

Who is this flower child, and what has he done

/huː/ /ɪz/ /ˈflaʊ.ər/ /tʃaɪld/ /ænd/ /wɒt/ /hæz/ /hiː/ /dʌn/

with my lionhearted friend Ted Mosby?!

/wɪð/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/

Look, look, yes, yes,

/lʊk/ /lʊk/

the doorman is a scoundrel.

/ɪz/

The mustache alone gives that away.

/əˈloʊn/ /ɡɪvz/ /ðæt/ /əˈweɪ/

He's a rake, a rogue, a rapscallion!

Whoa, "rapscallion" may be going a bit far, Ted.

/meɪ/ /biː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fɑːr/

But it's not his fault, okay?

/bʌt/ /hɪz/ /fɔːlt/

It's nobody's fault.

/fɔːlt/

You and Zoey

/juː/ /ænd/

have nothing in common.

/hæv/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈkɒmən/

For God's sake, Captain, she hates boats!

/fɔːr/ /ˈkæptɪn/ /ʃiː/ /heɪts/ /boʊts/

You're just

/dʒʌst/

not right for each other.

/raɪt/ /fɔːr/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Look, I know it's tough to face, but I'm sure

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /feɪs/ /bʌt/ /ʃʊr/

a small part of you has always known that.

/smɔːl/ /pɑːrt/ /juː/ /hæz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ðæt/

Why couldn't she just like boats?

/waɪ/ /ʃiː/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /boʊts/

Just to have one thing in common?

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈkɒmən/

Other girls like boats, don't they?

/ˈʌð.ər/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /laɪk/ /boʊts/ /ðeɪ/

Of course they do.

/kɔːrs/ /ðeɪ/ /duː/

And you'll find one.

/ænd/ /faɪnd/

And you'll be much happier with her

/ænd/ /biː/ /mʌtʃ/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

than you ever were with Zoey.

/ðæn/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /wɜːr/ /wɪð/

When you put it that way,

/wɛn/ /juː/ /pʊt/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

I should almost thank the doorman.

/ʃʊd/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/

Yeah, yeah!

And, you know, since, since it doesn't really matter

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /sɪns/ /sɪns/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈmætər/

who Zoey's dating now...

/huː/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /naʊ/

It doesn't, it really doesn't.

/ɪt/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

It doesn't.

/ɪt/

It's me. You're welcome.

/miː/ /ˈwɛlkəm/

Okay, baby, what gives?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /wɒt/ /ɡɪvz/

I'm sorry, but neither of us are getting any action

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /ʌs/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈæk.ʃən/

until I find those rings.

/ənˈtɪl/ /faɪnd/ /ðoʊz/

I hope this doesn't make me look desperate.

/hoʊp/ /meɪk/ /miː/ /lʊk/

All right, Robin,

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

give it to me.

/ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /miː/

Damn it, Barney, you failed my test!

/ɪt/ /juː/ /feɪld/ /maɪ/ /tɛst/

You know, I- I try to root for you.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /traɪ/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Even as your ex-girlfriend,

/ˈiːvən/ /jʊr/

when you meet someone, I'm like,

/wɛn/ /juː/ /miːt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /laɪk/

"Yeah, Barney, go get her!"

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/

But you know what? Just forget it.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /dʒʌst/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /ɪt/

You're never gonna change. I'm done trying to help you.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /dʌn/ /hɛlp/ /juː/

The number.

/ˈnʌmbər/

Give me the number, 'cause I really can't tell...

/ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /kɔːz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /tɛl/

Is that a seven or a nine?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈsɛvən/

It's a five, idiot.

/faɪv/ /ˈɪdiət/

A fi...? In what moon man language is that a five?

/wɒt/ /mæn/ /ˈlæŋ.ɡwɪdʒ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /faɪv/

"Moon man language"? What does that even mean?

/mæn/ /ˈlæŋ.ɡwɪdʒ/ /wɒt/ /dʌz/ /ðæt/ /ˈiːvən/ /miːn/

How am I supposed to see that's a five?

/haʊ/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /siː/ /faɪv/

Look how you taped this up... Fine, fine, fine.

/lʊk/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /faɪn/ /faɪn/ /faɪn/

I have a phone call to make.

/hæv/ /foʊn/ /kɔːl/ /meɪk/

Barney. Barney.

Go get her.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/

Listen, Zoey,

/ˈlɪs.ən/

I need to ask you something.

/niːd/ /æsk/ /juː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Did I steal you?

/dɪd/ /stiːl/ /juː/

Well... yeah.

/wɛl/

You did.

/juː/ /dɪd/

By being the kind of

/kaɪnd/

sweet, thoughtful guy who'd never even think

/swiːt/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈiːvən/ /θɪŋk/

of stealing someone, you stole me.

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /juː/ /stoʊl/ /miː/

So I'm the bad guy.

/bæd/ /ɡaɪ/

Great.

/ɡreɪt/

Well, the story isn't over, Ted.

/wɛl/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

It'll be years before we know who's the good guy

/biː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /wiː/ /noʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /ɡaɪ/

and who's the bad guy.

/ænd/ /bæd/ /ɡaɪ/

I mean, yes,

/miːn/

divorce sucks,

/dɪˈvɔːrs/

but sometimes things need to fall apart

/bʌt/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /θɪŋz/ /niːd/ /fɔːl/

to make way for better things.

/meɪk/ /weɪ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /θɪŋz/

If you say so.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /seɪ/

I'm just saying, the eggs are already broken.

/dʒʌst/ /ɛɡz/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Let's make sure we get a pretty good omelet out of it.

/meɪk/ /ʃʊr/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/

Okay, Marshall,

seriously, what's going on?

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

He'll never get to see how I turn out.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /siː/ /haʊ/ /tɜːrn/ /aʊt/

What do you mean?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

My dad. You know,

/maɪ/ /dæd/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I used to, um, I used to always tell him

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /tɛl/ /hɪm/

that I was gonna be an environmental lawyer.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /biː/ /ɪnˌvaɪrənˈmɛntəl/ /ˈlɔːjər/

And he was always so proud of me for that.

/ænd/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /praʊd/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

But he never

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

got to see the version of me that was anything but

/siː/ /ˈvɜːrʒən/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /bʌt/

a corporate stooge.

And now it's too late.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /leɪt/

And we're starting a family, you know.

/ænd/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Are you avoiding sleeping with me

/juː/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /miː/

'cause you don't want to start a family?

/kɔːz/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

Lily, if we have a baby right now,

/ɪf/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

that is just it for me.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

The cement will dry,

/wɪl/ /draɪ/

and I will be stuck at GNB forever.

/ænd/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /stʌk/ /fərˈɛvər/

Marshall, Marshall,

if you want to quit your job and go work for the NRDC right now,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /kwɪt/ /jʊr/ /dʒɒb/ /ænd/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɜːrk/ /fɔːr/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

then you need to do that right now.

/ðɛn/ /juː/ /niːd/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

And then,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/

once you've cleaned up all the oceans

/wʌns/ /ʌp/ /ɔːl/

and saved the planet--

/ænd/ /ˈplænɪt/

you know, like, a year from now-- then we'll start a family.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /laɪk/ /jɪr/ /naʊ/ /ðɛn/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

So far, in the name of saving the planet,

/fɑːr/ /neɪm/ /ˈplænɪt/

I've ruined your night, I practically broke Wendy's back

/jʊr/ /naɪt/ /bæk/

and I got Meeker fired.

/ænd/ /faɪərd/

The guy must hate me.

/ɡaɪ/ /mʌst/ /heɪt/ /miː/

Meeker doesn't hate you.

/heɪt/ /juː/

NARRATOR: Oh, Meeker hated him, all right.

/ˈheɪtɪd/ /hɪm/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

After all, Marshall was the one who got him fired.