Season 6 · Tập 19

NARRATOR: Kids, I bought the house we live in now way back

/kɪdz/ /bɔːt/ /haʊs/ /wiː/ /lɪv/ /naʊ/ /weɪ/ /bæk/

before I ever met your mother.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

It needed a lot of work but I had a vision for it.

/ɪt/ /lɒt/ /wɜːrk/ /bʌt/ /hæd/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

Vintage rolltop desk here.

/dɛsk/ /hɪr/

I haven't decided whether to put the fern

/ˈwɛðər/ /pʊt/

on the right or the left side,

/ɒn/ /raɪt/ /lɛft/ /saɪd/

but you know, sometimes you just gotta wing it. Right?

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/

Left side.

/lɛft/ /saɪd/

Oh, and right outside,

/ænd/ /raɪt/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

I want to put up a basketball hoop for the kids.

/wɒnt/ /pʊt/ /ʌp/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /fɔːr/ /kɪdz/

Huh? BARNEY: Ted. Ted

This is your seduction lounge.

/ɪz/ /jʊr/

Sex swing there,

/sɛks/ /ðɛr/

vibrating Jell-O pit right there,

/raɪt/ /ðɛr/

rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel right here.

/ʃeɪm/ /wiːl/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/

Don't ask; you're not ready.

/æsk/ /ˈrɛd.i/

And that basketball hoop?

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/

Outdoor stripper pole.

/ˈaʊtdɔːr/

We'll just tell the ladies to be careful in the winter.

/dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /biː/ /ˈkɛr.fəl/ /ˈwɪntər/

You think a tongue stuck to a frozen pole is bad...

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /stʌk/ /ˈfroʊzən/ /ɪz/ /bæd/

Hey. Barney, let's go outside for a second.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

We have a confession.

/wiː/ /hæv/

This wasn't really about seeing Ted's house.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /əˈbaʊt/ /haʊs/

It's an intervention.

Oh, thank God.

I'll go first.

/ɡoʊ/ /fɜːrst/

Ted, this house you bought for your hypothetical family

/haʊs/ /juː/ /bɔːt/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

is super weird.

/ɪz/ /ˈsuːpər/

We talk about it all the time behind your back.

/wiː/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /jʊr/ /bæk/

Yeah. This intervention isn't for me.

/fɔːr/ /miː/

It's for you.

/fɔːr/ /juː/

NARRATOR: Why did Barney need an intervention?

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /niːd/

It all started a few nights earlier.

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /fjuː/ /ˈɜːrliər/

Barney, I can't believe

/bɪˈliːv/

your giant TV is broken. It's March Madness.

/jʊr/ /ɪz/

Okay, uh, I think I see what the problem is.

/θɪŋk/ /siː/ /wɒt/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /ɪz/

Barney, can you grab me a screwdriver?

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɡræb/ /miː/

Sure thing.

/ʃʊr/ /θɪŋ/

Luis. Barney Stinson, 12 H. Luis. Barney Stinson, 12 H.

I got a hundred bucks if you can be here in five. Thanks.

/ˈhʌndrəd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /kæn/ /biː/ /hɪr/ /faɪv/

You call the super for a screwdriver?

/juː/ /kɔːl/ /ˈsuːpər/ /fɔːr/

Yeah... here's the thing about me and tools--

/θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/ /ænd/

the only one I know how to use is attached to me,

/ˈoʊnli/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /juːz/ /ɪz/ /miː/

and I am not going to try putting it in the TV.

/ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /traɪ/ /ɪt/

Again.

/əˈɡɛn/

Okay, that's ridiculous.

Everyone should know how to use tools.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ʃʊd/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /juːz/

Well, here's our screwdriver now.

/wɛl/ /aʊər/ /naʊ/

: Guys, I'm pretty sure that's not Luis,

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈprɪti/ /ʃʊr/

but I can't be certain.

/bʌt/ /biː/

Someone introduce yourself.

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ˌɪntrəˈdjuːs/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Barney, I... Barney, ta...

I got your letter.

/jʊr/ /ˈlɛt.ər/

Dad?

/dæd/

I can't believe Barney is talking to his dad right now.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ɪz/ /hɪz/ /dæd/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Yeah, what do you say

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /seɪ/

after three decades of not seeing each other?

/ˈæf.tər/ /θriː/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

"So, how 'bout those

/haʊ/ /ðoʊz/

last 30 Super Bowls"?

/læst/ /ˈsuːpər/

TED: Okay, now I feel bad

/naʊ/ /fiːl/ /bæd/

about making fun of him for the tool thing.

/əˈbaʊt/ /fʌn/ /hɪm/ /fɔːr/ /θɪŋ/

My dad was the one who taught me all that stuff.

/maɪ/ /dæd/ /wɒz/ /huː/ /tɔːt/ /miː/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /stʌf/

Well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge,

/wɛl/ /biː/ /fɛr/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /hæz/ /sʌm/ /ˈnɒl.ɪdʒ/

something really obvious you somehow never learned.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈɒbviəs/ /juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /lɜːrnd/

Okay, but a screwdriver?

/bʌt/

Come on, I don't have any gaps that fundamental.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ðæt/

Really? I seem to recall...

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /siːm/

Daniel Burnham was an architect

/wɒz/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

whose ever-shifting style and aesthetic

/staɪl/ /ænd/

made him a true architectural chamma-leeon.

/hɪm/ /truː/

And only the most gifted chamma-leeon

/ænd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /moʊst/

could've designed classic beaux arts masterpieces

/ˈklæsɪk/

right alongside sleek modern flatirons.

/raɪt/ /ˈmɒdərn/

His name might as well have been

/hɪz/ /neɪm/ /maɪt/ /wɛl/ /hæv/

Daniel Chamma-leeon. Daniel Chamma-leeon.

Um, Professor?

/prəˈfɛsər/

Uh, do you mean "chameleon"?

/duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "chamma-leeon," so...

/ˈprɪti/ /ʃʊr/

Class dismissed.

/klæs/

No homework. For a while.

/noʊ/ /ˈhoʊm.wɜːrk/ /fɔːr/ /waɪl/

Okay, I learned that word by reading it.

/lɜːrnd/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrd/ /ˈriː.dɪŋ/ /ɪt/

That's how I've always pronounced it.

/haʊ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɪt/

Oh, Ted, that wasn't easy.

/ðæt/ /ˈiː.zi/

It took a lot of "ch-aracter" to admit that.

/ɪt/ /tʊk/ /lɒt/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ðæt/

Okay, Scherbatsky. You want to tussle?

/juː/ /wɒnt/

I'll tussle. You want to tussle?

/juː/ /wɒnt/

Let's tussle. Marine biologist.

/məˈriːn/

Please, no.

/pliːz/ /noʊ/

So this really sucks, but

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bʌt/

I'm going to be in the North Pole for the next three months.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /nɔːrθ/ /fɔːr/ /nɛkst/ /θriː/

Seriously?

/ˈsɪəriəsli/

The North Pole?

/nɔːrθ/

Okay, pal, if you want to break up with me,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /miː/

just tell it to me straight. Don't pretend you're going

/dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /ɪt/ /miː/ /streɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

someplace we all know doesn't exist.

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/

Um, I'm going to be studying the mating habits of...

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/

Of who? Santa's elves? Rudolph?

/huː/

You know what? I'm going on a trip, too, Scott.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /trɪp/

It, uh, starts in Narnia.

/ɪt/

It works its way up to Candyland,

/ɪt/ /wɜːrks/ /ɪts/ /weɪ/ /ʌp/

and then, hey, congratulate me,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /miː/

because I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /njuː/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /dɑːrk/ /ˈtiː.tʃər/

at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!

Robin, the North Pole is a real place.

/nɔːrθ/ /ɪz/ /riːl/ /pleɪs/

You know that, right?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/

So... you want to get pizza later? Or...

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈleɪtər/

I think we should break up.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/

I still think about him in the shower.

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɪm/ /ˈʃaʊər/

Hey. Tell us everything. How'd it go, bud?

/tɛl/ /ʌs/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/

Where do I begin?

/wɛr/ /duː/ /bɪˈɡɪn/

So, I'm not sure how to start this. Yeah.

/ʃʊr/ /haʊ/ /stɑːrt/

I think I need a drink.

/θɪŋk/ /niːd/ /drɪŋk/

Me, too.

/miː/

BOTH: Glen McKenna, neat.

/boʊθ/

Nice order. Up top.

/naɪs/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /ʌp/ /tɒp/

Look, it's been 30 years.

/lʊk/

And now you just show up out of nowhere?

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ʃoʊ/ /ʌp/ /aʊt/

This is... this is going to take me a minute.

/ɪz/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /teɪk/ /miː/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Yeah. I understand.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

By the way, hell of a tie. Is that Italian silk?

/weɪ/ /taɪ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad we're best friends now.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /ˈdædi/ /ɡlæd/ /bɛst/ /frɛndz/ /naʊ/

Make a muscle. There you go.

/meɪk/ /ˈmʌsəl/ /ðɛr/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

Ah! Ah!

Guys, my dad's awesome.

/ɡaɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈɔːsəm/

He's the mother of all fathers.

/ˈmʌð.ər/ /ɔːl/

Check this out.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/

Hey, back when I was a kid, you used to be a roadie.

/bæk/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /kɪd/ /juː/ /biː/

Do you still do that? Not anymore.

/duː/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Back in '83 I'm lugging amps for The Stones through West Germany,

/bæk/ /fɔːr/ /θruː/ /wɛst/

and their tour manager loses his arms,

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /ˈmænɪdʒər/ /hɪz/ /ɑːrmz/

bus-surfing through a tunnel.

/θruː/

Gnarly.

Long story short,

/lɔːŋ/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ʃɔːrt/

I've been managing tours ever since,

/ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/

and that dude high-fives people with his face now.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /wɪð/ /hɪz/ /feɪs/ /naʊ/

You're funny.

/ˈfʌn.i/

My dad's funny.

/maɪ/ /ˈfʌn.i/

So, all these years, there's this one question

/ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

I've been dying to ask him.

/æsk/ /hɪm/

Why did you abandon me? Why'd you wait so long to contact me?

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /miː/ /juː/ /weɪt/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈkɒntækt/ /miː/

You've hurt me before, why should I trust you now?

/hɜːrt/ /miː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /waɪ/ /ʃʊd/ /trʌst/ /juː/ /naʊ/

Do you...

/duː/ /juː/

get laid a lot?

/ɡɛt/ /lɒt/

Big-time.

Observe.

Oh, my God, that took you five seconds.

/maɪ/ /ðæt/ /tʊk/ /juː/ /faɪv/

Oh, was it that long?

/wɒz/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /lɔːŋ/

Life's too short for chatty chicks.

/ʃɔːrt/ /fɔːr/ /tʃɪks/

You're a master.

/ˈmæstər/

You are legen-- wait for it--

/juː/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

...daddy!

/ˈdædi/

Legendaddy!

The man is a god.

/mæn/ /ɪz/

And he's still out there, living the dream.

/ænd/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /driːm/

So I'm going to Sydney tomorrow with Bon Jovi.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /wɪð/

I'll be on the road the rest of the year.

/biː/ /ɒn/ /roʊd/ /rɛst/ /jɪr/

Oh, that's cool.

/kuːl/

Say, you want to join me for the tour's Asian leg?

/seɪ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /dʒɔɪn/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /lɛɡ/

This is going to be the second-most fun

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /fʌn/

I've ever had on an Asian leg.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/ /ɒn/ /lɛɡ/

Barney, we-we know you're psyched,

/noʊ/

but just... be careful.

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /ˈkɛr.fəl/

What do you mean?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

Well, this guy has flaked out on your whole life.

/wɛl/ /ɡaɪ/ /hæz/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /hoʊl/ /laɪf/

It sounds like he just might be

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /maɪt/ /biː/

telling you what you want to hear.

/juː/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /hɪr/

Barney, we just don't want to see you get hurt.

/wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːrt/

First of all, Robin, my dad could beat up your dad.

/fɜːrst/ /ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /kʊd/ /biːt/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/ /dæd/

Second,

/ˈsɛk.ənd/

you don't have to worry.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈwʌri/

He's cool. Now if you'll excuse me...

/kuːl/ /naʊ/ /ɪf/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

I have to go renew my passport,

/hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈpæspɔːrt/

and get a travel-sized rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel.

/ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /ʃeɪm/ /wiːl/

Don't ask; you're not ready.

/æsk/ /ˈrɛd.i/

I hope Barney's dad isn't just

/hoʊp/ /dæd/ /dʒʌst/

pretending to be something he's not, you know?

/biː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Yeah. That would make Jerry a real chamma-leeon.

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /meɪk/ /riːl/

You have gaps, too, Lily.

/juː/ /hæv/

You got nothing on me.

/juː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /miː/

Hey, Lily, can you toss me a beer?

/kæn/ /juː/ /miː/ /bɪər/

Sure, honey.

/ʃʊr/ /ˈhʌni/

You have terrible aim.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/

That's not true.

/truː/

Lily, at our apartment,

/aʊər/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

you're the one who pees on the floor.

/huː/ /ɒn/ /flɔːr/

Oh, my God. Barney's dad.

/maɪ/ /dæd/

Hey, uh, you're Barney's friends, right?

/frɛndz/ /raɪt/

Yeah, but... aren't you supposed to be off

/bʌt/ /juː/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /ɒf/

managing some tour in Australia?

/sʌm/

What?

/wɒt/

No, I-I'm a driving instructor up in White Plains.

/noʊ/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /ɪnˈstrʌktər/ /ʌp/

And I need your help-- Barney won't return my calls.

/ænd/ /niːd/ /jʊr/ /hɛlp/ /rɪˈtɜːrn/ /maɪ/ /kɔːlz/

What do you mean, Barney won't return your calls?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /rɪˈtɜːrn/ /jʊr/ /kɔːlz/

He said you two had an amazing night together.

/hiː/ /sɛd/ /juː/ /tuː/ /hæd/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /naɪt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

That's not what happened.

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

I'm not sure how to start this.

/ʃʊr/ /haʊ/ /stɑːrt/

Yeah.

I think I need a drink.

/θɪŋk/ /niːd/ /drɪŋk/

Me, too.

/miː/

Glen McKenna, neat.

Milk, skim.

/mɪlk/

Milk?

/mɪlk/

Oh, you're taking it easy. Crazy night?

/ɪt/ /ˈiː.zi/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /naɪt/

I'll say.

/seɪ/

Between you and me, I had a lot of acid last night.

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /juː/ /ænd/ /miː/ /hæd/ /lɒt/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Wow. Wow.

I think it was the chili dog.

/θɪŋk/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dɔːɡ/

I had to take four Tums.

/hæd/ /teɪk/

I was up till, like, 9:30.

/wɒz/ /ʌp/ /laɪk/

Hey, um...

When I was a kid, you used to be a roadie.

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /kɪd/ /juː/ /biː/

You still do that?

/juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

No. I switched lanes years ago.

/noʊ/ /əˈɡoʊ/

I should explain. I'm a driving instructor.

/ʃʊd/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /ɪnˈstrʌktər/

Now you get it, right?

/naʊ/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/

Yeah, no, I get it.

/noʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Um, but when I was a kid,

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /kɪd/

you... you were this total badass.

/juː/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

Oh, I know.

/noʊ/

I was a real hard partier.

/wɒz/ /riːl/ /hɑːrd/

Yeah, okay, now we're getting to the good stuff.

/naʊ/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/ /stʌf/

The drugs, the alcohol, the women...

/ˈwɪmɪn/

Yes, yes, yes.

I was out of control.

/wɒz/ /aʊt/ /kənˈtroʊl/

♪ Out of control. ♪

/aʊt/ /kənˈtroʊl/

So when your mom said I couldn't see you any more,

/wɛn/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /sɛd/ /siː/ /juː/ /ˈɛn.i/ /mɔːr/

it was rock bottom for me.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

I'm so sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

You ever bang Stevie Nicks?

/juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Barney wasn't interested in my apology.

/ˈɪntrəstɪd/ /maɪ/

He just wanted me to be cool.

/hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /miː/ /biː/ /kuːl/

And I was so desperate to connect with him,

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /kəˈnɛkt/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

I did something I'm not proud of.

/dɪd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /praʊd/

I started bragging.

I bet you didn't know this about me, Barney,

/bɛt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

but I've published two nonfiction books

/bʌt/ /tuː/

about asparagus.

/əˈbaʊt/

And one fiction.

/ænd/ /ˈfɪkʃən/

I'm credited with inventing the word "furgling."

/wɪð/ /wɜːrd/

It means fumbling for keys.

/ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /kiːz/

So then all the county fair judges started chanting,

/ðɛn/ /ɔːl/ /fɛr/

"More quiche! More quiche!"

/mɔːr/ /mɔːr/

I guess you could call me the LeBron James of drapes.

/ɡɛs/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /kɔːl/ /miː/

I could tell he just wanted me to be this big ladies' man,

/kʊd/ /tɛl/ /hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /miː/ /biː/ /bɪɡ/ /mæn/

so...

What a hottie, huh?

/wɒt/

I'm sure you're a real player.

/ʃʊr/ /riːl/ /ˈpleɪər/

Big-time.

Observe.

Excuse me, that's my son over there.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /maɪ/ /sʌn/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

I'm trying to reconnect with him after 30 years.

/wɪð/ /hɪm/ /ˈæf.tər/

Would you just write down any seven numbers here,

/wʊd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /raɪt/ /daʊn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈsɛvən/ /ˈnʌmbərz/ /hɪr/

so that I can impress him?

/ðæt/ /kæn/ /hɪm/

Please, I'm desperate.

/pliːz/

Oh, my God, you're a natural.

/maɪ/ /ˈnætʃ.ər.əl/

Think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo.

/θɪŋk/ /pleɪz/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /rʌn/

There's the "Father Knows Breast,"

/ˈfɑː.ðər/

there's the

"Bush Dynasty,"

the "Lick Father, Lick Son."

/ˈfɑː.ðər/ /sʌn/

Oh, no, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

I couldn't do that.

/duː/ /ðæt/

Why?

/waɪ/

I have a family now.

/hæv/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /naʊ/

That's my wife

/maɪ/ /waɪf/

Cheryl, my daughter Carly-- she's in college.

/maɪ/ /ˈdɔːtər/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

This is my son J.J.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /sʌn/

I was hoping you could come over

/wɒz/ /ˈhoʊpɪŋ/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /kʌm/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

to dinner sometime and meet them.

/ˈdɪn.ər/ /ænd/ /miːt/ /ðɛm/

You're all wearing matching sweaters.

/ɔːl/

That's cute.

/kjuːt/

Look, I got to get going, Jerry.

/lʊk/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

But, uh, this was great.

/bʌt/ /wɒz/ /ɡreɪt/

Glad we did this.

/ɡlæd/ /wiː/ /dɪd/

I made him wait all these years for me and...

/hɪm/ /weɪt/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /ænd/

I'm just not the guy he wanted me to be.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡaɪ/ /hiː/ /miː/ /biː/

I know I don't deserve it, but...

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /bʌt/

I need another chance to connect with my son.

/niːd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /tʃæns/ /kəˈnɛkt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /sʌn/

We think you should give him another chance.

/wiː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /əˈnʌðər/ /tʃæns/

That's the real reason we're out here.

/riːl/ /ˈriːzən/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

He lives ten minutes away.

/hiː/ /tɛn/ /əˈweɪ/

What?

/wɒt/

You're having dinner with him tonight.

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/ /təˈnaɪt/

No, I most certainly am not.

/noʊ/ /moʊst/

Look, I met him.

/lʊk/ /hɪm/

He's not my kind of bro and that's that.

/maɪ/ /kaɪnd/ /broʊ/ /ænd/ /ðæt/

Are you sure it's not more than that?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ðæt/

Guys, get it through your heads.

/ɡaɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /θruː/ /jʊr/ /hɛdz/

I am never gonna talk to my dad again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /tɔːk/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /əˈɡɛn/

No, Barney.

/noʊ/

I'm never gonna talk to my dad again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /tɔːk/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /əˈɡɛn/

But your dad is alive

/bʌt/ /jʊr/ /dæd/ /ɪz/ /əˈlaɪv/

and he lives just down the road.

/ænd/ /hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /daʊn/ /roʊd/

Fine, I'll go.

/faɪn/ /ɡoʊ/

Awesome.

/ˈɔːsəm/

Um, Lily, keys.

/kiːz/

I'm literally 11 inches from you.

/juː/

NARRATOR: And so Barney agreed to give his dad one more chance.

/ænd/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪz/ /dæd/ /mɔːr/ /tʃæns/

Hello. You must be Barney.

/juː/ /mʌst/ /biː/

I'm Cheryl.

It's just so nice to finally meet you.

/dʒʌst/ /naɪs/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /miːt/ /juː/

I love that suit.

/lʌv/ /ðæt/ /suːt/

Oh, thank you very much.

/juː/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /mʌtʃ/

And I love your...

/ænd/ /lʌv/ /jʊr/

...coat.

/koʊt/

I love your coat.

/lʌv/ /jʊr/ /koʊt/

Oh, that's your coat, Barney.

/jʊr/ /koʊt/

I just took it from you.

/dʒʌst/ /tʊk/ /ɪt/ /juː/

Well, I do love it.

/wɛl/ /duː/ /lʌv/ /ɪt/

It's doing a nice job covering up that chair.

/naɪs/ /dʒɒb/ /ʌp/ /ðæt/ /tʃɛr/

Guess now we wait.

/ɡɛs/ /naʊ/ /wiː/ /weɪt/

Hey, I got an idea how to pass the time.

/aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /haʊ/ /pæs/ /taɪm/

A little trivia game.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡeɪm/

Robin, reindeer: real or fake?

/riːl/ /feɪk/

Okay, I'm not an idiot.

/ˈɪdiət/

Reindeer are obviously f... re... fake?

/ˈɒbviəsli/ /feɪk/

Yikes!

I'm surrounded by a bunch of dum-dums.

Good thing I don't have any gaps in my knowledge.

/ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/ /hæv/ /ˈɛn.i/ /maɪ/ /ˈnɒl.ɪdʒ/

I am perfect.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

Oh, for the love of God, guys, enough already.

/fɔːr/ /lʌv/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

What, baby?

/wɒt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

You've been treating me with kid gloves

/miː/ /wɪð/ /kɪd/

ever since my dad died.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /daɪd/

That's not true.

/truː/

Robin, don't disagree with Marshall.

/wɪð/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I first noticed it at the bar.

/fɜːrst/ /ɪt/ /bɑːr/

Hey, Lily,

: can you get me a mojito?

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /miː/

Normally, you would've given me crap

/ˈnɔːrməli/ /juː/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/ /miː/

for an hour about a voice crack that pubescently girl-like,

/fɔːr/ /ˈaʊ.ər/ /əˈbaʊt/ /vɔɪs/ /ðæt/

but nothing.

/bʌt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

So then I started to test you guys.

/ðɛn/ /tɛst/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

The Phantom Menace is by far the best Star Wars movie.

/ɪz/ /fɑːr/ /bɛst/ /stɑːr/ /ˈmuːvi/

It ages well, that's the thing.

/ɪt/ /wɛl/ /θɪŋ/

You guys like my new soul patch?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /laɪk/ /maɪ/ /njuː/

Righteous hair tab, brotha.

/hɛr/

MARSHALL: And once I figured it out,

/ænd/ /wʌns/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

I started doing crazy stuff to see how far you'd let me go.

/ˈkreɪzi/ /stʌf/ /siː/ /haʊ/ /fɑːr/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

This is Rex.

/ɪz/

He's a possum.

I found him in the trash.

/hɪm/ /træʃ/

He lives with us now.

/hiː/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/ /naʊ/

I love him.

/lʌv/ /hɪm/

Lily, we are living with a possum.

/wiː/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /wɪð/

Rex is violent and he hates us.

/ɪz/ /ˈvaɪələnt/ /ænd/ /hiː/ /heɪts/ /ʌs/

But, baby, you just lost your dad.

/bʌt/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /lɒst/ /jʊr/ /dæd/

None of us wants to upset you.

/nʌn/ /ʌs/ /ʌpˈsɛt/ /juː/

Please.

/pliːz/

If you guys really want me

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /miː/

to get over the worst tragedy of my life,

/ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /wɜːrst/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

I'm begging you, tear me a new one.

/juː/ /miː/ /njuː/

But not like Rex tried to in my sleep last night.

/bʌt/ /laɪk/ /maɪ/ /sliːp/ /læst/ /naɪt/

J.J., dinner.

/ˈdɪn.ər/

When I got your letter, I dug this up.

/wɛn/ /jʊr/ /ˈlɛt.ər/ /ʌp/

You were probably too young to remember,

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /jʌŋ/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

but this is you, this is me, and, of course, ZZ Top.

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /juː/ /ɪz/ /miː/ /ænd/ /kɔːrs/ /tɒp/

I do remember that.

/duː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/

I climbed up on that dude's lap and told him

/ʌp/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /læp/ /ænd/ /toʊld/ /hɪm/

what I wanted for Christmas.

/wɒt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

Yeah, I used to love taking you backstage.

/lʌv/ /juː/

You were the coolest little kid.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /kɪd/

Hi, Barney. It's great to finally meet you.

/ɡreɪt/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /miːt/ /juː/

J.J., I'm talking to Dad right now. God.

/dæd/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Seriously,

/ˈsɪəriəsli/

it's time.

/taɪm/

What are my gaps?

/wɒt/ /maɪ/

Well, I guess maybe one gap you have is...

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ɪz/

you can't wink.

/juː/

Don't you think that maybe we should go home

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/

and, uh, "do the laundry"?

/ænd/ /duː/ /ˈlɔːndri/

LILY: You can't swallow pills.

/juː/

ROBIN: Ooh, ooh, I got one.

You think John Kennedy and Jack Kennedy are the same person.

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ænd/ /seɪm/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

Right?

/raɪt/

What?

/wɒt/

So, Barney, I understand

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

you have a pretty big job with a bank.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈprɪti/ /bɪɡ/ /dʒɒb/ /wɪð/ /bæŋk/

Yeah, I do.

/duː/

I make a ton of money.

/meɪk/ /ˈmʌn.i/

How much do you make, J.J.?

/haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /duː/ /juː/ /meɪk/

I'm 11.

Oh, well, huh, now we all know you make excuses.

/wɛl/ /naʊ/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /meɪk/

I was talking about money.

/wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈmʌn.i/

Actually, J.J. has a job.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /hæz/ /dʒɒb/

Tell him, J.J.

/tɛl/ /hɪm/

I got a paper route.

/ˈpeɪ.pər/ /ruːt/

Good time to get into print media.

/ɡʊd/ /taɪm/ /ɡɛt/ /prɪnt/ /ˈmiːdiə/

Am I right, Dad?

/raɪt/ /dæd/

Good slam, Barney.

/ɡʊd/

Jerry. Jerry.

It's all good fun.

/ɔːl/ /ɡʊd/ /fʌn/

Just ribbing among long lost brothers.

/dʒʌst/ /lɔːŋ/ /lɒst/

J.J.'s a heck of a basketball player.

/ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /ˈpleɪər/

Uh, you don't strike me as the athletic type, Jayj.

/juː/ /straɪk/ /miː/ /æθˈlɛtɪk/ /taɪp/

Dad, check it.

/dæd/ /tʃɛk/ /ɪt/

Triceps.

What gym do you go to?

/wɒt/ /dʒɪm/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

Fourth period?

Sounds like you're having your fourth period.

/laɪk/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /jʊr/

Am I right, Dad?!

/raɪt/ /dæd/

Got him again.

/hɪm/ /əˈɡɛn/

CHERYL: Jerry! Jerry!

Oh, okay, Barney. Oh, okay, Barney.

Uh, maybe that's enough.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Why? J.J. started it.

/waɪ/ /ɪt/

What does J.J. even stand for anyway?

/wɒt/ /dʌz/ /ˈiːvən/ /stænd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

J-Jerky... Jerkface?

J.J. stands for Jerome Jr.

/fɔːr/

Jerome Jr...? Jerome Jr...?

Oh.

He's-He's named after you.

/neɪmd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /juː/

Excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

I like having a brother.

/laɪk/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

You always add too much water to oatmeal.

/juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /æd/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈwɔː.tər/

Yes, I drown the son of a bitch.

/sʌn/

You consistently miss at least one belt loop.

/juː/ /mɪs/ /liːst/

It's like I'm blind.

/laɪk/ /blaɪnd/

You're too old to ask to see the cockpit.

/oʊld/ /æsk/ /siː/

Whoa. Whoa.

Guys, my dad just died.

/ɡaɪz/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /dʒʌst/ /daɪd/

LILY: Aw, honey.

/ˈhʌni/

No, I'm just kidding.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

This is great.

/ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/

I really, I really missed this.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /mɪst/

Barney, what is going on?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

This is mine.

/ɪz/ /maɪn/

I don't understand.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

J.J. gets a childhood, a dad,

/ɡɛts/ /ˈtʃaɪldhʊd/ /dæd/

a real family and a basketball hoop?

/riːl/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ænd/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/

No, no. I at least get the hoop.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /liːst/ /ɡɛt/

I'm taking it with me.

/ɪt/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Please, just come down and talk to me.

/pliːz/ /dʒʌst/ /kʌm/ /daʊn/ /ænd/ /tɔːk/ /miː/

Why? Why should I?

/waɪ/ /waɪ/ /ʃʊd/

You're lame, okay?

You're just some lame suburban dad.

/dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /səˈbɜːrbən/ /dæd/

Why does that make you so mad?

/waɪ/ /dʌz/ /ðæt/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /mæd/

Because if you were gonna be some lame suburban dad,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /biː/ /sʌm/ /səˈbɜːrbən/ /dæd/

why couldn't you have been that for me?!

/waɪ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ðæt/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Look, Barney, I know I screwed up...

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /ʌp/

Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe...

/ʌp/ /ˈiːvən/ /bɪˈɡɪn/ /dɪˈskraɪb/

I know, I know, I know!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

I want to fix this,

/wɒnt/ /fɪks/

and I don't know how!

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/

Please, tell me what I can do!

/pliːz/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /wɒt/ /kæn/ /duː/

I'll do anything!

/duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

You're never gonna get it down like that.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /daʊn/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Barney. Barney! Barney. Barney!

Just put the pointy end into the grooves.

/dʒʌst/ /pʊt/ /ɛnd/

That's it. Now turn it.

/ɪt/ /naʊ/ /tɜːrn/ /ɪt/

Righty tighty,

lefty loosey.

I have no good excuse, Barney.

/hæv/ /noʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/

It took me years

/ɪt/ /tʊk/ /miː/

before I was even able to look myself in the mirror

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /wɒz/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /lʊk/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /ˈmɪrər/

for the way I let you down.

/fɔːr/ /weɪ/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /daʊn/

It took courage to send me that letter.

/ɪt/ /tʊk/ /sɛnd/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /ˈlɛt.ər/

More courage than I've ever had.

/mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/

I owe you a lifetime

/juː/

of apologies, and I...

/ænd/

I just have no idea where to begin.

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /wɛr/ /bɪˈɡɪn/

Can you help me with this?

/kæn/ /juː/ /hɛlp/ /miː/ /wɪð/

Here, got it.

/hɪr/ /ɪt/

Look, if you...

/lʊk/ /ɪf/ /juː/

ever feel like you're ready,

/ˈɛv.ər/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/ /ˈrɛd.i/

I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life.

/lʌv/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /biː/ /pɑːrt/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

Bye.

/baɪ/

Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

I'm fine.

/faɪn/

Hey, Ted.

Yeah, buddy?

/ˈbʌdi/

You, uh, still want

/juː/ /wɒnt/

a basketball hoop out there?

/ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Oh, well, I also really liked your outdoor stripper pole idea.

/wɛl/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /jʊr/ /ˈaʊtdɔːr/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Yeah, it's fine.

/faɪn/

No, you were right.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/

A kid needs a hoop.

/kɪd/