Season 6 · Tập 20

Kids, as you know,

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I was designing Goliath National Bank's

/wɒz/ /dɪˈzaɪnɪŋ/ /ˈnæʃənl/

new headquarters on the site of this old hotel, The Arcadian.

/njuː/ /ɒn/ /saɪt/ /oʊld/ /hoʊˈtɛl/

Problem was, some people didn't want

/ˈprɒbləm/ /wɒz/ /sʌm/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /wɒnt/

The Arcadian torn down.

/daʊn/

Even bigger problem, they were led by my girlfriend Zoey.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

G-N-B is the e-ne-my!

/ɪz/

Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on! Hey, sweetie!

/ɒn/ /ɒn/ /ɒn/ /ˈswiːti/

Are we still on for dinner at 8:00 at Valenzisi's?

/wiː/ /ɒn/ /fɔːr/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

That's great! I can't wait!

/ɡreɪt/ /weɪt/

That's great. I can't wait! That's great. I can't wait!

/ɡreɪt/ /weɪt/ /ɡreɪt/ /weɪt/

But somehow, Zoey and I were making it work.

/bʌt/ /ænd/ /wɜːr/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrk/

Ted, why are you dating our arch-enemy?!

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /aʊər/

I mean, Wile E. Coyote wasn't trying

/miːn/

to sleep with the Roadrunner.

/sliːp/ /wɪð/

Or maybe he was.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

Think about it.

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

The way that she bats her eyelashes

/weɪ/ /ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /hɜːr/

and shakes her tail feathers in his face?

/ænd/ /hɜːr/ /hɪz/ /feɪs/

She wants it.

/ʃiː/ /ɪt/

Isn't it hard for you guys to be on opposite sides

/ɪt/ /hɑːrd/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /biː/ /ɒn/ /ˈɒpəzɪt/

of something like this?

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /laɪk/

Of course you feel that way, Lily.

/kɔːrs/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

You and Marshall have basically melded

/juː/ /ænd/ /hæv/

into one big hermaphroditic blob.

/bɪɡ/

And that's fine for you guys.

/ænd/ /faɪn/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

But some of us want

/bʌt/ /sʌm/ /ʌs/ /wɒnt/

a partner who challenges us to grow and evolve.

/ˈpɑːrtnər/ /huː/ /ʌs/ /ɡroʊ/ /ænd/ /ɪˈvɒlv/

You guys are in screaming matches all the time.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈskriːmɪŋ/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Growing matches.

/ˈɡroʊɪŋ/

It was true.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /truː/

Zoey and I loved to challenge each other.

/ænd/ /lʌvd/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

The main character is a young spoiled prince

/ɪz/ /jʌŋ/

thrust into leadership after the death of his father.

/ˈliːdərʃɪp/ /ˈæf.tər/ /dɛθ/ /hɪz/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

It's obviously a modern-day retelling of Henry IV!

/ˈɒbviəsli/

Are you kidding me?!

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

It's Don Quixote... the classic quest story

/ˈklæsɪk/ /ˈstɔːri/

with the hero-jester and his long-suffering manservant!

/wɪð/ /ænd/ /hɪz/

Okay, clearly, when we're watching Tommy Boy,

/ˈklɪərli/ /wɛn/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /bɔɪ/

we're watching two different movies.

/ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /tuː/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

No, you hang up.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ʌp/

No, you hang up.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ʌp/

No, you hang up.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ʌp/

No, you hang up.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ʌp/

No, you hang up!

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ʌp/

No, you hang up.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ʌp/

No, you hang up.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ʌp/

No, you...

/noʊ/ /juː/

Hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Hello?

For the love of God, will one of you idiots hang up the phone?

/fɔːr/ /lʌv/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /foʊn/

Why would you do that?!

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

I-I thought you'd like it.

/θɔːt/ /laɪk/ /ɪt/

Who likes that?

/huː/ /ðæt/

I like it.

/laɪk/ /ɪt/

Your relationship sounds exhausting.

/jʊr/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

Well, maybe yours is a bit lazy.

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /jɔːrz/ /ɪz/ /ˈleɪzi/

Marshall and I have been together 15 years,

/ænd/ /hæv/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

and the only debate we've had about Tommy Boy

/ænd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hæd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /bɔɪ/

is whether it's awesome or super awesome.

/ɪz/ /ˈwɛðər/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /ˈsuːpər/ /ˈɔːsəm/

That's love, bitch.

/lʌv/

Now around this time,

/naʊ/ /əˈraʊnd/ /taɪm/

Marshall had truly come to hate his job.

/hæd/ /ˈtruːli/ /kʌm/ /heɪt/ /hɪz/ /dʒɒb/

He hated the paperwork.

/hiː/ /ˈheɪtɪd/

He hated the coffee.

/hiː/ /ˈheɪtɪd/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

He hated the dirty jokes.

/hiː/ /ˈheɪtɪd/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /dʒoʊks/

He hated everything.

/hiː/ /ˈheɪtɪd/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

I have to quit.

/hæv/ /kwɪt/

Quit GNB?! Why?

/kwɪt/ /waɪ/

I need to do better things with my life, okay?

/niːd/ /duː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /θɪŋz/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

There's-There's an opening for an environmental lawyer

/fɔːr/ /ɪnˌvaɪrənˈmɛntəl/ /ˈlɔːjər/

at the National Resources Defense Council.

/ˈnæʃənl/

Sure, it pays less, but

/ʃʊr/ /ɪt/ /lɛs/ /bʌt/

I'd be saving the oceans, saving endangered species...

/biː/ /ɪnˈdeɪndʒərd/ /ˈspiːʃiːz/

Saving chicken bones and an old boot to make hobo soup?

/ˈtʃɪkɪn/ /ænd/ /oʊld/ /meɪk/ /suːp/

Marshall, you can't

/juː/

pay your mortgage with Hacky Sacks and good vibes.

/peɪ/ /jʊr/ /wɪð/ /ænd/ /ɡʊd/

Baby, you have my full support.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /hæv/ /maɪ/ /fʊl/ /səˈpɔːrt/

Well, then, you're not going to be able to pay

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /peɪ/

for that trip to Spain that you've been planning.

/fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /trɪp/ /ðæt/

Say good-bye

/seɪ/

to riding around in gondolas,

/əˈraʊnd/

and eating bratwurst and seeing the pyramids.

/ænd/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /ænd/

I don't think you know what Spain is.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/

Well, I know that a trip there costs some serious lira.

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /trɪp/ /ðɛr/ /sʌm/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

It's dinero.

Where? I want his autograph!

/wɛr/ /wɒnt/ /hɪz/

So Marshall walked in the next morning all ready to quit.

/nɛkst/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/ /ɔːl/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /kwɪt/

But then something weird happened.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/

♪ I will remember you... ♪

/wɪl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /juː/

Suddenly, he didn't hate the paperwork.

/ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /hiː/ /heɪt/

He didn't hate the coffee.

/hiː/ /heɪt/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

He didn't even hate the dirty jokes.

/hiː/ /ˈiːvən/ /heɪt/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /dʒoʊks/

Out of nowhere, Marshall actually liked GNB.

/aʊt/ /ˈæktʃuəli/

It's graduation goggles. What?

/ˌɡrædʒuˈeɪʃən/ /wɒt/

Graduation goggles, like with high school.

/ˌɡrædʒuˈeɪʃən/ /laɪk/ /wɪð/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/

It's four years of bullies

making fun of all the kids with braces,

/fʌn/ /ɔːl/ /kɪdz/ /wɪð/

even after the braces come off and they can walk just fine.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈæf.tər/ /kʌm/ /ɒf/ /ænd/ /ðeɪ/ /kæn/ /wɔːk/ /dʒʌst/ /faɪn/

But then, on graduation day,

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ɒn/ /ˌɡrædʒuˈeɪʃən/ /deɪ/

you suddenly get all misty because you realize

/juː/ /ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /ɡɛt/ /ɔːl/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/

you're never going to see those jerks again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /siː/ /ðoʊz/ /əˈɡɛn/

I just had graduation goggles with that guy Scooby I dated.

/dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /ˌɡrædʒuˈeɪʃən/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/

The guy who was basically a dog?

/ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /wɒz/ /dɔːɡ/

He was the worst kisser I've ever been with.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /wɜːrst/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /wɪð/

But the moment I decided to dump him...

/bʌt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /dʌmp/ /hɪm/

♪ I will remember you... ♪

/wɪl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /juː/

...I suddenly got kind of wistful.

/ˈsʌd.ən.li/ /kaɪnd/

He was a good boy.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/ /bɔɪ/

Yeah.

I've been there, too.

/ðɛr/

Every time I'm done having sex with a woman,

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /dʌn/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

at first, I never want to see her again.

/fɜːrst/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /hɜːr/ /əˈɡɛn/

But then...

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/

♪ I will remember you... ♪

/wɪl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /juː/

No, that's pretty much it.

/noʊ/ /ˈprɪti/ /mʌtʃ/ /ɪt/

The point is, you can't trust graduation goggles.

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /juː/ /trʌst/ /ˌɡrædʒuˈeɪʃən/

They're just as misleading as beer goggles,

/dʒʌst/ /bɪər/

bridesmaid goggles,

and that's-just-a-bulky, outdated-cell-phone

/ænd/

in-his-front-pocket goggles.

That one was a bummer.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/

You're right.

/raɪt/

Tomorrow, I'm quitting GNB.

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/

No! You can't quit tomorrow!

/noʊ/ /juː/ /kwɪt/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

The lady with the big nipples is coming back

/ˈleɪdi/ /wɪð/ /bɪɡ/ /ɪz/ /bæk/

to give another sexual harassment seminar,

/ɡɪv/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈsɛkʃuəl/ /ˈsɛmɪnɑːr/

and I bribed one of the maintenance guys

/ænd/ /ɡaɪz/

to keep the room at a brisk 55 degrees!

/kiːp/ /ruːm/

Baby, more than ever, you have my full support.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /juː/ /hæv/ /maɪ/ /fʊl/ /səˈpɔːrt/

You know, sometimes I feel bad for Lily and Marshall.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /fiːl/ /bæd/ /fɔːr/ /ænd/

I'm starting to feel bad for Ted and Zoey.

/fiːl/ /bæd/ /fɔːr/ /ænd/

It starts with an... "L?"

/ɪt/ /wɪð/

How can you not remember my name?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /maɪ/ /neɪm/

It's like they never challenge each other.

/laɪk/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

They just automatically agree all the time.

/ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈɡriː/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Well, they don't do that all the time. Yes, they do.

/wɛl/ /ðeɪ/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/ /ðeɪ/ /duː/

No, they don't. Yes, they do.

/noʊ/ /ðeɪ/ /ðeɪ/ /duː/

It's like they...

/laɪk/ /ðeɪ/

...don't see eye-to-eye on anything!

/siː/ /ɒn/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Totally. Totally.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

It rhymes with your name.

/ɪt/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /neɪm/

And I said my name was...?

/ænd/ /sɛd/ /maɪ/ /neɪm/ /wɒz/

Baby, I did it! I quit.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /kwɪt/

And then I walked right over to the NRDC, and I took that job.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /raɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/ /tʊk/ /ðæt/ /dʒɒb/

Oh, good for you, sweetie. Yeah.

/ɡʊd/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ˈswiːti/

It's a little less money than I was expecting.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /lɛs/ /ˈmʌn.i/ /ðæn/ /wɒz/

I mean, compared to what I was making at GNB, it's nothing.

/miːn/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Actually compared to anything, it's nothing.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

It's nothing.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

The paid position just got filled,

/pəˈzɪʃən/ /dʒʌst/

so all I can do is-is volunteer right now.

/ɔːl/ /kæn/ /duː/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

You're cool with that, right?

/kuːl/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/

Baby, if this is what you need to do, we'll figure it out.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ɪf/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /niːd/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

How's Barney handling you leaving?

/juː/

Hey, Barney, there's a bunch of models in the lobby,

/ˈlɒbi/

and the gossip is one of them is really a dude.

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /ðɛm/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

You want to play "Who's Hot and Who's Scott?"

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /pleɪ/ /hɒt/ /ænd/

It's always the one in the turtleneck, Ted.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/

And no, I don't want to play.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /wɒnt/ /pleɪ/

Stupid Marshall... ruined everything.

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Oh, come on. Everything's not ruined.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Guys, everything's ruined.

/ɡaɪz/

What? Why?

/wɒt/ /waɪ/

Your girlfriend somehow got the Landmark Preservation Committee

/jʊr/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /ˈlændmɑːrk/

to agree to a hearing.

/əˈɡriː/

If they declare the Arcadian a landmark,

/ɪf/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈlændmɑːrk/

the whole project is dead.

/hoʊl/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/ /ɪz/ /dɛd/

The good news is, I just got the phone number

/ɡʊd/ /njuːz/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /foʊn/ /ˈnʌmbər/

of a husky-voiced hottie in a turtleneck.

...so, if the Landmarks Preservation Committee

/ɪf/

sides with Zoey, your whole project goes down the tubes?

/wɪð/ /jʊr/ /hoʊl/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/ /ɡoʊz/ /daʊn/

You must be furious.

/juː/ /mʌst/ /biː/

I'm furiously enjoying being challenged.

Why don't you admit that

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ðæt/

your girlfriend challenging your every move

/jʊr/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /jʊr/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /muːv/

is getting you a little murder-suicidey?

/ɪz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /juː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Why don't you admit that Marshall quitting his job

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ðæt/ /hɪz/ /dʒɒb/

and taking an unpaid internship is killing you?

/ænd/ /ˈɪntɜːrnʃɪp/ /ɪz/ /ˈkɪlɪŋ/ /juː/

It's not.

Lily, the downside

to having giant, Japanese anime eyes is

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /aɪz/ /ɪz/

that they're easy to read.

/ðæt/ /ˈiː.zi/ /riːd/

And yours are screaming,

/ænd/ /jɔːrz/ /ˈskriːmɪŋ/

"What about my trip to Spain, deadbeat?"

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /trɪp/

Okay, Ted, the downside to having a woman's mouth is,

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /maʊθ/ /ɪz/

your feminine pout gives away your true feelings.

/jʊr/ /ɡɪvz/ /əˈweɪ/ /jʊr/ /truː/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/

And yours is saying,

/ænd/ /jɔːrz/ /ɪz/

"Oh, Zoey, why can't I be on top just this once?"

/waɪ/ /biː/ /ɒn/ /tɒp/ /dʒʌst/ /wʌns/

We take turns!

/wiː/ /teɪk/

Sometimes.

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/

Hey, guys. Thanks. Hey.

/ɡaɪz/

I just had the best first day at the NRDC.

/dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /bɛst/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/

I'm sorry. Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Something Hershel said at work today.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /sɛd/ /wɜːrk/ /təˈdeɪ/

Hershel? Hershel?

What, don't you guys know Hershel? Didn't I tell you?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /noʊ/ /tɛl/ /juː/

Oh, he's the new lawyer who replaced Marshall at GNB.

/njuː/ /ˈlɔːjər/ /huː/

He is so

/hiː/ /ɪz/

awesome and funny

/ˈɔːsəm/ /ænd/ /ˈfʌn.i/

and tall... taller than Marshall...

/ænd/ /tɔːl/ /ðæn/

and he knows

/ænd/ /hiː/

way more laws.

/weɪ/ /mɔːr/

Well, I'm glad you like your new co-worker.

/wɛl/ /ɡlæd/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/ /njuː/

There's no Hershel!

/noʊ/

I was just saying that to make you jealous!

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /meɪk/ /juː/ /ˈdʒɛləs/

Why do you insist we play these games?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /wiː/ /pleɪ/ /ðiːz/ /ɡeɪmz/

Barney, I'm not playing... Just come back to GNB already!

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /dʒʌst/ /kʌm/ /bæk/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

I'm really loving my new job.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈlʌvɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /njuː/ /dʒɒb/

Oh, and I'm loving seeing you this happy.

/ænd/ /ˈlʌvɪŋ/ /juː/ /ˈhæp.i/

I'm so glad to hear you say that

/ɡlæd/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

because I volunteered our apartment

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /aʊər/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

for a big NRDC fund-raiser tomorrow night.

/fɔːr/ /bɪɡ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/

You're-You're cool with that, right?

/kuːl/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/

Baby, you have my full support.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /hæv/ /maɪ/ /fʊl/ /səˈpɔːrt/

Thanks, baby.

/ˈbeɪbi/

Oh.

Ooh, I gotta go.

/ɡoʊ/

The invitations are ready.

/ˈrɛd.i/

The party's for a bunch

/fɔːr/

of environmentalists,

so I found a guy downtown

/ɡaɪ/

who makes biodegradable party invitations

/huː/ /ˈpɑːrti/

that can also be used as toilet paper.

/ðæt/ /kæn/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /biː/ /ˈtɔɪlɪt/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/

That's how I'm gonna use mine.

/haʊ/ /juːz/ /maɪn/

Why in the world do you care so much

/waɪ/ /wɜːrld/ /duː/ /juː/ /kɛr/ /mʌtʃ/

whether Marshall works at GNB?

/ˈwɛðər/ /wɜːrks/

Care? I don't care.

/kɛr/ /kɛr/

I'm like, whatever. Marshall who?

/laɪk/ /huː/

He's stupid. Hershel's way better.

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /weɪ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Okay, Barney, is it possible that

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /ðæt/

with everything that's gone on with your dad lately,

/wɪð/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɡɔːn/ /ɒn/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /dæd/

you might have some unresolved abandonment issues

/juː/ /maɪt/ /hæv/ /sʌm/

you're transferring onto Marshall?

Oh! Ugh!

/ʌɡ/

You are worse than my shrink.

/juː/ /wɜːrs/ /ðæn/ /maɪ/

"Barney, we have to talk about your father."

/wiː/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

"Barney, I'm not going to teach you how to hypnotize people.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /tiːtʃ/ /juː/ /haʊ/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

You'll only use it for evil."

/ˈoʊnli/ /juːz/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈiːvəl/

"Barney, I am not going to conduct a couples session

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈkɒndʌkt/ /ˈkʌpəlz/

"between you and this woman.

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /juː/ /ænd/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

She's obviously a prostitute."

/ˈɒbviəsli/

I don't need this!

/niːd/

Ah, Lily Aldrin, Ah, Lily Aldrin,

half of the world's most perfect couple!

/hæf/ /moʊst/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ˈkʌpəl/

I was thinking about that woman's mouth comment,

/wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/ /maʊθ/

and I have three good comebacks.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /θriː/ /ɡʊd/

Your mom didn't seem to mind it last night on her...

/jʊr/ /mɒm/ /siːm/ /maɪnd/ /ɪt/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /ɒn/ /hɜːr/

Okay, look, Ted, I need a favor.

/lʊk/ /niːd/

Would you mind driving out to Kennedy with me

/wʊd/ /juː/ /maɪnd/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /miː/

to pick up this famous ecologist for Marshall's fund-raiser?

/pɪk/ /ʌp/ /ˈfeɪməs/ /fɔːr/

Apparently, he only speaks Spanish.

/hiː/ /ˈoʊnli/

And you speak Spanish, right?

/ænd/ /juː/ /spiːk/ /raɪt/

Perfect. Let's go.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ɡoʊ/

Hey, Marshall, it's me.

/miː/

Listen, I know I've been kind of a jerk

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /noʊ/ /kaɪnd/ /dʒɜːrk/

about your leaving GNB.

/əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/

I just wanted to call and say I'm sorry.

/dʒʌst/ /kɔːl/ /ænd/ /seɪ/ /ˈsɒr.i/

No apologies necessary. We're good.

/noʊ/ /ˈnɛsəsɛri/ /ɡʊd/

Good. Um, hey, any chance you might maybe...

/ɡʊd/ /ˈɛn.i/ /tʃæns/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /ˈmeɪbi/

I don't know... if you're not busy,

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /ˈbɪzi/

uh, want to have lunch today?

/wɒnt/ /hæv/ /lʌntʃ/ /təˈdeɪ/

Oh, buddy, I'd love to, but I can't.

/ˈbʌdi/ /lʌv/ /bʌt/

Oh, that's cool.

/kuːl/

No biggie.

/noʊ/

Another time.

/əˈnʌðər/ /taɪm/

Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

How long have you been there?

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /hæv/ /juː/ /ðɛr/

You don't remember?

/juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

Hey. I was in the neighborhood.

/wɒz/

I just wanted to check in on you.

/dʒʌst/ /tʃɛk/ /ɒn/ /juː/

You seemed, um, you seemed really upset the other day.

/juː/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ʌpˈsɛt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /deɪ/

Oh, no, I'm fine.

/noʊ/ /faɪn/

Okay. Well, um, you want to go grab some lunch?

/wɛl/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡræb/ /sʌm/ /lʌntʃ/

Sure. Hey, are you okay if I invite Marshall to join us?

/ʃʊr/ /juː/ /ɪf/ /ɪnˈvaɪt/ /dʒɔɪn/ /ʌs/

Yeah. Yeah.

Right.

/raɪt/

So, um...

Chinese?

You know, just because Zoey and I

/juː/ /noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ænd/

are a different kind of couple than you and Marshall

/ˈdɪfrənt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /ðæn/ /juː/ /ænd/

doesn't make us a worse couple.

/meɪk/ /ʌs/ /wɜːrs/ /ˈkʌpəl/

You're right.

/raɪt/

I-If you and Zoey are happy, then who am I to judge?

/juː/ /ænd/ /ˈhæp.i/ /ðɛn/ /huː/ /dʒʌdʒ/

I'm so sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Oh, my God, is that how support feels?

/maɪ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /haʊ/ /səˈpɔːrt/ /fiːlz/

It's so warm and wonderful.

/wɔːrm/ /ænd/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/

Oh, Lily, I've been so unhappy.

/ʌnˈhæpi/

But I thought

/bʌt/ /θɔːt/

you liked being challenged.

/juː/

Nobody likes being challenged!

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/

Couldn't she agree with me just once, even on something little,

/ʃiː/ /əˈɡriː/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /dʒʌst/ /wʌns/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

like... like what movie to see

/laɪk/ /laɪk/ /wɒt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /siː/

or-or what topping to get on our pizza

/wɒt/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /aʊər/

or... oh, I don't know, my lifelong dream

/noʊ/ /maɪ/ /driːm/

of building a skyscraper in New York City?!

/ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ˈskaɪˌskreɪpər/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Well, in her defense, hamburger pizza, Ted?

/wɛl/ /hɜːr/

What are you, 12?

/wɒt/ /juː/

You were right, Lily.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/

I mean, Zoey's great, but... sometimes I do wish

/miːn/ /ɡreɪt/ /bʌt/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /duː/ /wɪʃ/

we were a little more like you and Marshall.

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /ænd/

TED There he is. Here we go.

/ðɛr/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I don't speak...

/spiːk/

whatever it is you're speaking.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈspiːkɪŋ/

Um, he speaks perfect English.

/hiː/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /ˈɪŋ.ɡlɪʃ/

Yeah, I-I know.

/noʊ/

Then why

/ðɛn/ /waɪ/

did you ask me to come?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /æsk/ /miː/ /kʌm/

So you can drive him to the fund-raiser.

/juː/ /kæn/ /draɪv/ /hɪm/

Supporting Marshall this much

/mʌtʃ/

is driving me crazy.

/ɪz/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/ /miː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I'm going to Spain... my flight leaves in 45 minutes.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /flaɪt/

Adios,

muchacho. con trai.

W-Wait, what do you mean you're going to Spain?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

You were right. If I hear myself say

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/ /ɪf/ /hɪr/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /seɪ/

"Baby, you have my full support" one more time,

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /hæv/ /maɪ/ /fʊl/ /səˈpɔːrt/ /mɔːr/ /taɪm/

I swear I'm gonna murder someone!

/swɛər/ /ˈmɜːdər/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

What are you gonna tell Marshall, huh?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /tɛl/

And when are you coming back? I honestly

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /bæk/ /ˈɒnɪstli/

haven't thought it all the way through, and I don't intend to.

/θɔːt/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /θruː/ /ænd/

All I know is that I'm a ticking time bomb,

/ɔːl/ /noʊ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

and if I don't do something for me right away,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /raɪt/ /əˈweɪ/

I swear I'm gonna explode!

/swɛər/

Wow, tha... that's an evocative metaphor to use

/juːz/

for your nonthreatening, totally patriotic emotions.

/fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Okay, Lily, I get it.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Marshall's been asking a lot lately.

/lɒt/

But the thing to do is-is tell him you've had enough.

/bʌt/ /θɪŋ/ /duː/ /tɛl/ /hɪm/ /hæd/ /ɪˈnʌf/

I've never been good at that.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡʊd/ /ðæt/

And now, ever since his dad died,

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/ /hɪz/ /dæd/ /daɪd/

I-I feel like it's my job to just be fine with everything.

/fiːl/ /laɪk/ /maɪ/ /dʒɒb/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /faɪn/ /wɪð/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

But I'm not.

/bʌt/

I'm not fine that

/faɪn/ /ðæt/

he volunteers our apartment for a giant fund-raiser

/hiː/ /aʊər/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /fɔːr/

and that he's not thinking about

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /əˈbaʊt/

how we're gonna pay any of our bills

/haʊ/ /peɪ/ /ˈɛn.i/ /aʊər/

and that, apparently,

/ænd/ /ðæt/

we've given up on trying to have kids.

/ˈɡɪv.ən/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/ /hæv/ /kɪdz/

Lil... Lil...

Look, I'm sorry, Ted, I just, I gotta do this.

/lʊk/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /dʒʌst/ /duː/

My bag?

/maɪ/ /bæɡ/

Oh, no. I got it.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/

There's nothing to talk about.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

You trashed your office today.

/juː/ /jʊr/ /ˈɒfɪs/ /təˈdeɪ/

I mean, you obviously have

/miːn/ /juː/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /hæv/

some deep feelings you're not confronting.

/sʌm/ /diːp/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/

And I think they're about your dad.

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /dæd/

I don't want to talk about it, okay? Why not?

/wɒnt/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /waɪ/

Because I don't. And why am I explaining this to you?

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ænd/ /waɪ/ /juː/

You're the most secretive person I know.

/moʊst/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /noʊ/

You never tell anybody anything.

/juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /tɛl/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

I've never... told anyone this before.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /toʊld/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

Um...

I was 16.

/wɒz/

I was awakened around midnight

/wɒz/ /əˈraʊnd/

by the sound of my father

/saʊnd/ /maɪ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

arguing with his business partner, Andy Grenier.

/wɪð/ /hɪz/ /ˈbɪznɪs/ /ˈpɑːrtnər/

As things grew heated...

/θɪŋz/

I watched my father's hand slowly coil

/wɒtʃt/ /maɪ/ /hænd/ /ˈsloʊli/

around the heavy antique clock on his desk.

/əˈraʊnd/ /ˈhɛvi/ /klɒk/ /ɒn/ /hɪz/ /dɛsk/

The sun was just starting to rise

/sʌn/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /raɪz/

over the bramble orchard as we packed the fresh earth down

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /wiː/ /frɛʃ/ /ɜːrθ/ /daʊn/

with the flats of our shovels.

/wɪð/ /aʊər/

My dad and I

/maɪ/ /dæd/ /ænd/

got our stories straight.

/aʊər/ /ˈstɔːriz/ /streɪt/

We walked back to the house in silence and...

/wiː/ /bæk/ /haʊs/ /ænd/

haven't talked about it since.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /sɪns/

But sometimes...

/bʌt/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/

on a still night...

/ɒn/ /naɪt/

you can still hear that clock,

/juː/ /kæn/ /hɪr/ /ðæt/ /klɒk/

ticking...

ticking...

ticking.

That's...

the most harrowing story I've ever heard.

/moʊst/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hɜːrd/

Is it true?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /truː/

No.

/noʊ/

But it did get you to drink three scotches,

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /dɪd/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/ /drɪŋk/ /θriː/

which is why you're ready to spill your guts.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /waɪ/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /jʊr/ /ɡʌts/

Fine!

/faɪn/

The reason I'm upset about Marshall leaving GNB

/ˈriːzən/ /ʌpˈsɛt/ /əˈbaʊt/

is... is...

/ɪz/ /ɪz/

Hey.

...the meatball sub.

Huh?

It all started months ago

/ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /əˈɡoʊ/

in the GNB commissary.

It was Meatball Sub Day.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /deɪ/

Oh, how I used to love

/haʊ/ /lʌv/

Meatball Sub Day.

/deɪ/

And then, the most humiliating moment of my life.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /moʊst/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Hey, buddy, I think you got a tiny little bit

/ˈbʌdi/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /ˈtaɪni/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

of marinara sauce on your tie there.

/sɔːs/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /taɪ/ /ðɛr/

I plotted my revenge for weeks.

/maɪ/ /fɔːr/

But nothing seemed right.

/bʌt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /raɪt/

Then it hit me.

/ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /miː/

The answer was so elegant and simple...

/ˈæn.sər/ /wɒz/ /ænd/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

an exploding meatball sub.

For months, I experimented.

/fɔːr/

More... marinara sauce.

/mɔːr/ /sɔːs/

Finally, the sub was perfected.

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /wɒz/

The plan was in place.

/plæn/ /wɒz/ /pleɪs/

The snare was baited.

/wɒz/

And then...

/ænd/ /ðɛn/

he quit, Robin, he quit!

/hiː/ /kwɪt/ /hiː/ /kwɪt/

It's Meatball Sub Day

/deɪ/

today, which is why

/təˈdeɪ/ /wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /waɪ/

I wanted Marshall to come over and have lunch.

/kʌm/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ænd/ /hæv/ /lʌntʃ/

But no.

/bʌt/ /noʊ/

All that work wasted.

/ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrk/

You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /meɪk/ /læf/ /tɛl/ /hɪm/ /jʊr/ /raɪt/

What is wrong with you?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Hey, Professor Rodriguez,

/prəˈfɛsər/

thank you so much for coming.

/juː/ /mʌtʃ/ /fɔːr/

Oh, my pleasure.

/maɪ/

I have to use the restroom.

/hæv/ /juːz/

Do you have some extra invitations?

/duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /ˈɛkstrə/

Right over there.

/raɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/

Enjoy.

/ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/

Hey. Hey, thanks for picking him up.

/fɔːr/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/

Yeah, absolutely. Um, listen,

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

something happened at the airport. Um...

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ˈɛərpɔːrt/

What? Well,

/wɒt/ /wɛl/

we got there, and, uh, Lily...

/wiː/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/

Lily... Lily...

Marshall, hey. Marshall.

Sorry, I, uh, I had to park

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hæd/ /pɑːrk/

and-and grab some ice.

/ɡræb/ /sʌm/ /aɪs/

Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Oh, thanks, babe.

/beɪb/

You would not believe how much this one has done

/juː/ /wʊd/ /bɪˈliːv/ /haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /hæz/ /dʌn/

to help throw this party, Ted.

/hɛlp/ /θroʊ/ /ˈpɑːrti/

I don't know how she does it.

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ʃiː/ /dʌz/ /ɪt/

Can't be easy, huh, Lil?

/biː/ /ˈiː.zi/

Yeah. Listen, Marshall,

/ˈlɪs.ən/

I-I need to talk to you about something.

/niːd/ /tɔːk/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

No, you know what? Me, too.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /miː/

Um... I want to thank you

/wɒnt/ /juː/

for being so supportive of me in all this.

/fɔːr/ /miː/ /ɔːl/

I've been at the NRDC for less than a week,

/fɔːr/ /lɛs/ /ðæn/ /wiːk/

and I've already done more to be proud of

/ænd/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /dʌn/ /mɔːr/ /biː/ /praʊd/

than in two years at GNB.

/ðæn/ /tuː/

I can't believe how good it feels.

/bɪˈliːv/ /haʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪt/ /fiːlz/

But now, it's time for me to find a way

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /faɪnd/ /weɪ/

to help the Earth and get paid for it,

/hɛlp/ /ɜːrθ/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

because I can't put that burden entirely on you.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /pʊt/ /ðæt/ /ɒn/ /juː/

So, starting tomorrow,

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/

I'll look for something with a paycheck.

/lʊk/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wɪð/

What do you think?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Baby, you have my full support. Oh...

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /hæv/ /maɪ/ /fʊl/ /səˈpɔːrt/

Ted. Ted

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing here? This is really important

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

to Marshall, so I came to show my support.

/ʃoʊ/ /maɪ/ /səˈpɔːrt/

This you can be supportive of?!

/juː/ /kæn/ /biː/

What is that supposed to mean? I have

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /miːn/ /hæv/

the chance to build a skyscraper

/tʃæns/ /bɪld/ /ˈskaɪˌskreɪpər/

in the best city on Earth, and who's the one

/bɛst/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ɒn/ /ɜːrθ/ /ænd/

leading the charge to kill that dream?

/kɪl/ /ðæt/ /driːm/

My girlfriend! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

/maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

What about my lifelong dream of not seeing

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /driːm/

every beautiful building in Manhattan bulldozed?

/ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

And in that moment, I realized, though I really cared

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /ðoʊ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

about Zoey, I couldn't do this for the next 50 years.

/əˈbaʊt/ /duː/ /fɔːr/ /nɛkst/

I had to break up with her.

/hæd/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

But then...

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/

♪ I will remember you ♪

/wɪl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /juː/

♪ Will you remember me... ♪

/wɪl/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /miː/

Kids, some couples always support each other,

/kɪdz/ /sʌm/ /ˈkʌpəlz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /səˈpɔːrt/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

and some couples always challenge each other,

/ænd/ /sʌm/ /ˈkʌpəlz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

but is one really better than the other?

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Yes. Support is better.

/səˈpɔːrt/ /ɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Way better.

/weɪ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

But I'd have to learn that the hard way.

/bʌt/ /hæv/ /lɜːrn/ /ðæt/ /hɑːrd/ /weɪ/

You're too young. This isn't fair.

/jʌŋ/ /fɛr/

We're not going anywhere, buddy.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/ /ˈbʌdi/

We're gonna stay here right till the end.

/steɪ/ /hɪr/ /raɪt/ /ɛnd/