Season 6 · Tập 9

Kids, in the fall of 2010, it seemed like

/kɪdz/ /fɔːl/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/

Aunt Lily could only talk about one thing: babies.

/ænt/ /kʊd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbiz/

Oh, God, I have been craving this burger all day.

/hæv/ /ˈbɜːrɡər/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/

Do you know what plays a huge role

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /pleɪz/ /hjuːdʒ/ /roʊl/

in helping a woman conceive? Hmm.

/ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

Cervical mucus.

Oh, my God, I can't wait to see this movie.

/maɪ/ /weɪt/ /siː/ /ˈmuːvi/

I hear it's really scary.

/hɪr/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈskɛri/

Oh, change of plans.

/tʃeɪndʒ/

I thought violent images wouldn't be good

/θɔːt/ /ˈvaɪələnt/ /biː/ /ɡʊd/

for my future fetus,

/fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

so instead, I rented this video of a live water birth.

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /lɪv/ /ˈwɔː.tər/

They don't know what it is.

/ðeɪ/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

It just showed up on my mom's X-ray.

/ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/

Look at this crib.

/lʊk/

But all in all, it wasn't a problem.

/bʌt/ /ɔːl/ /ɔːl/ /ɪt/ /ˈprɒbləm/

That is, until the night of Barney's boutonniere.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ənˈtɪl/ /naɪt/

Oh, you're wearing a flower.

/ˈflaʊ.ər/

Thank you.

/juː/

Ah, didn't compliment. Just observed. BARNEY: I know.

/dʒʌst/ /noʊ/

Isn't it? Why are you wearing that?

/ɪt/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /ðæt/

Why does Barney do anything ever?

/waɪ/ /dʌz/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Exactly. Science.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

There is an 83% correlation

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/

between the times men wear boutonnieres

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /taɪmz/ /mɛn/ /wɛr/

and the times they get laid. Hmm.

/ænd/ /taɪmz/ /ðeɪ/ /ɡɛt/

Think about it.

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Proms, weddings.

Grandmas' funerals.

Thanks for the redhead, Nana.

/fɔːr/

The "everyday boutonniere" by Stinson.

And nope.

/ænd/

I'm sorry, Barney, but no girl is going home

/ˈsɒr.i/ /bʌt/ /noʊ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hoʊm/

with a guy with a flower on his chest.

/wɪð/ /ɡaɪ/ /wɪð/ /ˈflaʊ.ər/ /ɒn/ /hɪz/

Unless he's a clown, and she's in the trunk of his car.

/ənˈlɛs/ /ænd/ /trʌŋk/ /hɪz/ /kɑːr/

Along with 50 other clowns.

/əˈlɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /ˈʌð.ər/

It's a clown car. Oh.

/kɑːr/

Robin, did you know

/dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/

that boutonniere is French for "bootie is near?"

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /fɔːr/ /ɪz/ /nɪər/

True story.

/truː/ /ˈstɔːri/

Une histoire vraie. Une histoire vraie.

Hmm! Did you know that Barney is French

/dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

for "sad little guy who works way too hard to get laid""

/fɔːr/ /sæd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /wɜːrks/ /weɪ/ /hɑːrd/ /ɡɛt/

Woman, you best check yourself.

/ˈwʊm.ən/ /juː/ /bɛst/ /tʃɛk/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Yeah, on the bright side,

/ɒn/ /braɪt/ /saɪd/

I guess suits are pretty boring without them, so...

/ɡɛs/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈbɔːrɪŋ/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /ðɛm/

Madam...

that is an insult that cannot be borne!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /biː/

I demand satisfaction!

What, are we gonna duel?

/wɒt/ /wiː/

No. I'm going to show everyone this embarrassing video of you.

/noʊ/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ʃoʊ/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /juː/

It's Robin Sparkles III, y'all!

Transcript by Addic7ed.com Translate by vymuop Transcript by Addic7ed.com

/kɒm/ /kɒm/

Kids, by this point, we knew

/kɪdz/ /pɔɪnt/ /wiː/ /njuː/

Aunt Robin had been a teen pop sensation

/ænt/ /hæd/ /pɒp/

in Canada, known as Robin Sparkles.

/ˈkænədə/

And we also knew that her Robin Sparkles character

/ænd/ /wiː/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /njuː/ /ðæt/ /hɜːr/

came from a Canadian TV show,

/ʃoʊ/

which we'd never seen... until now.

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ənˈtɪl/ /naʊ/

I cannot wait to see what's on this DVD!

/weɪt/ /siː/ /ɒn/

Oh, you haven't watched it yet?

/juː/ /wɒtʃt/ /ɪt/ /jɛt/

No, of course not.

/noʊ/ /kɔːrs/

I wanted my first time to be with someone I cared about.

/maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /biː/ /wɪð/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /əˈbaʊt/

Sweet! I get that a lot. Well, once.

/swiːt/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /lɒt/ /wɛl/ /wʌns/

Hey, Robin, do you want

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

to go get a Korean massage on Saturday?

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/

Oh, I'd love to.

/lʌv/

I've got this knot in my neck that's so annoying.

/maɪ/ /nɛk/ /əˈnɔɪɪŋ/

Yeah, I figured I should get one now

/ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /naʊ/

because once I get pregnant, no more massages.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /wʌns/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/

Just so annoying.

/dʒʌst/ /əˈnɔɪɪŋ/

Okay.

Space Teens?!

/speɪs/

Is this a porno?

/ɪz/

No, no. Dude, dude. Sweet!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /swiːt/

It's a kids' show.

/kɪdz/ /ʃoʊ/

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

I don't know.

/noʊ/

This does have all the earmarks of porn.

/dʌz/ /hæv/ /ɔːl/

Stripper pole, bad lighting,

/bæd/

delusional girl who thinks

/ɡɜːrl/ /huː/

it's a stepping stone to mainstream success.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a big old bowl of pornflakes.

/bɪɡ/ /oʊld/ /boʊl/

Whoa! And who is this

/ænd/ /huː/ /ɪz/

exquisite keytarist I assume

you're about to make sweet love to?

/əˈbaʊt/ /meɪk/ /swiːt/ /lʌv/

Oh, that's Jessica Glitter.

She was my BFF on the show and in real life.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /maɪ/ /ɒn/ /ʃoʊ/ /ænd/ /riːl/ /laɪf/

Ah, BFFs.

Did you guys have sleepovers?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hæv/

Get mad at each other and wrestle,

/ɡɛt/ /mæd/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ænd/

but then end up kissing in a tender embrace?

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ɛnd/ /ʌp/ /ˈtɛndər/

Here, show us on Lily. Barney, you know what?

/hɪr/ /ʃoʊ/ /ʌs/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

If you're going to be disgusting,

/ɪf/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/

we're not watching this, okay?

/ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/

Yeah. Come on, Barney.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

It's just a cute little story about...

/dʒʌst/ /kjuːt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈstɔːri/ /əˈbaʊt/

What exactly is this about?

/wɒt/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/

Oh, two average Canadian teenagers

/tuː/

who solve crimes in space using math.

/huː/ /sɒlv/ /speɪs/

That sounds ridiculous.

/ðæt/

So sue me.

/miː/

Like the producers of Milky Way Mathletes tried to.

/laɪk/ /weɪ/

Great job using long division

/ɡreɪt/ /dʒɒb/ /lɔːŋ/

to catch that space burglar, eh?

/ðæt/ /speɪs/

Well, what can I say?

/wɛl/ /wɒt/ /kæn/ /seɪ/

He'll be in galactic jail for the remainder of his life.

/biː/ /fɔːr/ /hɪz/ /laɪf/

Sparkles, Glitter, Sparkles, Glitter,

we're about to enter an asteroid belt, eh.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɛntər/

Brace for turbulence!

/fɔːr/

I have to say, as much as I hate

/hæv/ /seɪ/ /mʌtʃ/ /heɪt/

to agree with Barney,

/əˈɡriː/ /wɪð/

this does seem to be a veritable pornucopia.

/dʌz/ /siːm/ /biː/

Okay, guys, come on.

/ɡaɪz/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

It's a kids' show!

/kɪdz/ /ʃoʊ/

Like Electric Company or Sesame Street or, um...

/laɪk/ /ɪˈlɛktrɪk/ /ˈkʌmpəni/ /striːt/

You can't do that on television.

/juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /ɒn/

Exactly.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

No.

/noʊ/

You can't do that on television!

/juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /ɒn/

Robin, Robin,

this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you

/ʃoʊ/ /ɪz/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /noʊ/ /ˈwɛðər/ /hʌɡ/ /juː/

or run a shower for you so you can sit there alone,

/rʌn/ /ˈʃaʊər/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /juː/ /kæn/ /sɪt/ /ðɛr/ /əˈloʊn/

crying and clenching your knees.

/ˈkraɪɪŋ/ /ænd/ /jʊr/

It's just bad camera work, okay?

/dʒʌst/ /bæd/ /ˈkæmərə/ /wɜːrk/

Wayne, our camera guy-- he wasn't that great.

/aʊər/ /ˈkæmərə/ /ɡaɪ/ /hiː/ /ðæt/ /ɡreɪt/

I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job,

/noʊ/ /θɪŋk/ /hiː/ /dɪd/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/ /dʒɒb/

considering he was probably only using one hand.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hænd/

You know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I feel bad for you Americans, that you can look

/fiːl/ /bæd/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /kæn/ /lʊk/

at this wondrous and educational adventure through space,

/ænd/ /ədˈvɛntʃər/ /θruː/ /speɪs/

and see something obscene.

/ænd/ /siː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Can you just please try to look at this

/kæn/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /pliːz/ /traɪ/ /lʊk/

with the innocence of a child?

/wɪð/ /tʃaɪld/

Innocence of a child. Innocence of a child.

/tʃaɪld/ /tʃaɪld/

Coming up. Here we go.

/ʌp/ /hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Girls, if you want

/ɡɜːrlz/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

to get through the asteroid belt, you've got

/ɡɛt/ /θruː/

to use multiplication.

/juːz/

To the joystick!

Okay, Space Teens, let's multiply!

/speɪs/

Five times six?

/faɪv/ /taɪmz/ /sɪks/

Oh. 30. Oh. 30.

Yes! Oh!

Seven times four?

/ˈsɛvən/ /taɪmz/

28! Keep going!

/kiːp/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Eight times nine?

/eɪt/ /taɪmz/

72!

Don't stop now! Almost there!

/stɒp/ /naʊ/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /ðɛr/

23 times three?

/taɪmz/ /θriː/

Oh... Oh...

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

We got to ration this.

/wiː/

It's like we're on a desert island,

/laɪk/ /ɒn/ /ˈaɪlənd/

and this video is a really hot, naked chick,

/ænd/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɒt/ /tʃɪk/

and she's got, like, seaweed on her and a seashell bra.

/ænd/ /laɪk/ /ɒn/ /hɜːr/ /ænd/

You all feel me?

/juː/ /ɔːl/ /fiːl/ /miː/

Hey, Hey,

if you and Jessica are BFFs,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ænd/

how come we've never met her?

/haʊ/ /kʌm/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hɜːr/

Okay, well, it was a long time ago, okay?

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/ /əˈɡoʊ/

I get a Christmas card from her every year,

/ɡɛt/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /hɜːr/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /jɪr/

but we're not really friends anymore.

/bʌt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /frɛndz/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

But BFFs are forever.

/bʌt/ /fərˈɛvər/

Oh, come on, Lily.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Nobody stays friends with their high school friends.

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /frɛndz/ /wɪð/ /ðɛr/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/ /frɛndz/

I'm still friends with Punchy.

/frɛndz/ /wɪð/

Dude, he lives in Cleveland.

/hiː/ /ˈkliːvlənd/

You see him once a year, at which point,

/juː/ /siː/ /hɪm/ /wʌns/ /jɪr/ /wɪtʃ/ /pɔɪnt/

he punches you really hard in the arm

/hiː/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɑːrd/

and tells everyone how you dookied your pants.

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /jʊr/ /pænts/

I know, on paper he sounds great,

/noʊ/ /ɒn/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/ /hiː/ /ɡreɪt/

but you guys aren't really friends.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /frɛndz/

Look, I may not see him a lot, but it doesn't matter.

/lʊk/ /meɪ/ /siː/ /hɪm/ /lɒt/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ˈmætər/

Observe.

Schmosby! Punchy! Schmosby! Punchy!

Schmosby! Punchy! Schmosby! Punchy!

Schmosby! Punchy! Schmosby! Punchy!

Schmoosby! Punchy! Schmoosby! Punchy!

Hey, good talking to you, Ted.

/ɡʊd/ /juː/

Yeah, you, too. If you're ever in New York.

/juː/ /ɪf/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Definitely.

/ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/

We are just two peas.

/wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /tuː/

I don't get it.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

How can you and Glitter just stop being friends?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /stɒp/ /frɛndz/

Best friends don't do that.

/bɛst/ /frɛndz/ /duː/ /ðæt/

Well, we did, okay? And I haven't talked to her

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /dɪd/ /ænd/ /hɜːr/

in, like, five years, so just drop it.

/laɪk/ /faɪv/ /dʒʌst/ /drɒp/ /ɪt/

I got to go.

/ɡoʊ/

Whoa. Whoa.

What do you think came between Robin and Jessica?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /ænd/

Much like our friends,

/mʌtʃ/ /laɪk/ /aʊər/ /frɛndz/

the Space Teens,

/speɪs/

I think I can solve this crime with math.

/θɪŋk/ /kæn/ /sɒlv/ /wɪð/

Okay... Okay, here is a Christmas card

/hɪr/ /ɪz/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

that Jessica sent Robin.

/ðæt/ /sɛnt/

Lily, how old would you say that kid is?

/haʊ/ /oʊld/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/ /kɪd/ /ɪz/

Four years, three months.

/θriː/

Which means Jessica got pregnant five years ago.

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /faɪv/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Right around the time she and Robin stopped being friends.

/raɪt/ /əˈraʊnd/ /taɪm/ /ʃiː/ /ænd/ /frɛndz/

Of course. Robin hates kids.

/kɔːrs/ /heɪts/ /kɪdz/

The last thing she would want to do

/læst/ /θɪŋ/ /ʃiː/ /wʊd/ /wɒnt/ /duː/

is hang out with some little brat.

/ɪz/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /sʌm/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Thus, if I may...

/ɪf/ /meɪ/

When Glitter's womb a fruit did bear,

/wɛn/ /dɪd/ /bɛr/

Robin said, "To hell with this, I'm outta hare."

/sɛd/ /wɪð/

Glitter got pregnant, so Robin dumped her.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/ /dʌmpt/ /hɜːr/

Oh. Oh, got... Wow.

That's got to be it, right, Lil?

/biː/ /ɪt/ /raɪt/

Lil? Lil?

Robin's gonna dump me!

/dʌmp/ /miː/

Oh, sweetheart.

Aha. Aha.

When a second uterus plumped becomes...

/wɛn/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

Dude.

Feel the room.

/fiːl/ /ruːm/

No. We've been waiting all day!

/noʊ/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/

Just watch it without me.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒtʃ/ /ɪt/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /miː/

Two dudes on the couch together watching porn?

/tuː/ /ɒn/ /kaʊtʃ/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/

That's kind of weird.

/kaɪnd/

Okay, it's not porn, it's a kids' show.

/kɪdz/ /ʃoʊ/

Two dudes watching a kids' show might be worse.

/tuː/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /kɪdz/ /ʃoʊ/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /wɜːrs/

Okay, fine, I'll watch it with you.

/faɪn/ /wɒtʃ/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Yeah! But if either of you

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /juː/

makes even one peep about the show being dirty,

/ˈiːvən/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ʃoʊ/ /ˈdɜːrti/

I'm turning it off.

/ɪt/ /ɒf/

We... I'm serious.

/wiː/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?

/jʊr/

Great.

/ɡreɪt/

How's your beaver?

/jʊr/

Busy as ever!

/ˈbɪzi/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Our characters had pet beavers.

/aʊər/ /hæd/

Sure.

/ʃʊr/

The beaver is the official animal of Canada.

/ɪz/ /əˈfɪʃəl/ /ˈænɪməl/ /ˈkænədə/

It's our national mascot.

/aʊər/ /ˈnæʃənl/

It's a noble creature.

Okay, girls.

/ɡɜːrlz/

Everyone knows a beaver's favorite food is wood.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /fuːd/ /ɪz/

I just hope we brought along enough of it

/dʒʌst/ /hoʊp/ /wiː/ /əˈlɒŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /ɪt/

for our three-day galactic space journey.

/fɔːr/ /aʊər/ /speɪs/ /ˈdʒɜːrni/

So let's do the math.

/duː/

If Robin's beaver devours

/ɪf/

six inches of wood every half hour,

/sɪks/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /hæf/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

and Jessica's beaver

/ænd/

devours eight inches of wood every 45 minutes,

/eɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri/

how much wood will I need

/haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /wɪl/ /niːd/

to keep both of these beavers well-fed all weekend long?

/kiːp/ /boʊθ/ /ðiːz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/ /lɔːŋ/

While you figure it out at home,

/waɪl/ /juː/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /hoʊm/

how about we sing you a song about our beavers?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wiː/ /sɪŋ/ /juː/ /sɒŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/

Hey! Hey!

No! You don't get to hear the beaver song!

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪr/ /sɒŋ/

It is a sweet song about friendship,

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /swiːt/ /sɒŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/

and you guys are being disgusting,

/ænd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/

and beavers are adorable!

/ænd/ /əˈdɔːrəbəl/

No arguments here.

/noʊ/ /hɪr/

'Sup Shmosby!

Punchy, what are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Well, yesterday you said if I was ever in New York.

/wɛl/ /ˈjɛs.tər.deɪ/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /ɪf/ /wɒz/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

'Sup, turds?

Okay, uh, uh, where are you staying?

/wɛr/ /juː/

In your mom's pants.

/jʊr/ /pænts/

Trick. She's old.

/oʊld/

Hey, don't worry

/ˈwʌri/

about me. I'm cool on the couch.

/əˈbaʊt/ /miː/ /kuːl/ /ɒn/ /kaʊtʃ/

Whoa. He's staying here? You're staying here?

/hɪr/ /hɪr/

I know! It's so good, right?

/noʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /raɪt/

Feel like you're dreaming?

/fiːl/ /laɪk/

But check your totem, brah.

/bʌt/ /tʃɛk/ /jʊr/

Punchy's here in the flesh.

/hɪr/

So, why don't we get one of these, Ted?

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ðiːz/

Yeah. Remember these?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðiːz/

High school? Junior high? Yeah.

/haɪ/ /skuːl/ /haɪ/

Elementary school? Remember those?

/skuːl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðoʊz/

Look, look, Punchy's here. Yeah, yeah.

/lʊk/ /lʊk/ /hɪr/

Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɛn/ /juː/

in your pants down by the lake?

/jʊr/ /pænts/ /daʊn/ /leɪk/

Unbelievable!

Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied on our couch

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /aʊər/ /kaʊtʃ/

in the form of your idiot high school friend?

/fɔːrm/ /jʊr/ /ˈɪdiət/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/ /frɛnd/

Unbelievable!

Come on. I worry about the guy.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡaɪ/

He's had the same dead-end job

/hæd/ /seɪm/ /dʒɒb/

at a car rental place for 15 years.

/kɑːr/ /pleɪs/ /fɔːr/

Don't care.

/kɛr/

He's been stuck in Cleveland

/stʌk/ /ˈkliːvlənd/

his whole life. Get a hotel.

/hɪz/ /hoʊl/ /laɪf/ /ɡɛt/ /hoʊˈtɛl/

Robin... Robin...

LeBron. LeBron.

Okay, one night.

/naɪt/

Got to go.

/ɡoʊ/

Hey. Hey.

Where are you going? We just got here.

/wɛr/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /hɪr/

Oh, a Korean massage.

By yourself?

/jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Well, I figured you'd be busy,

/wɛl/ /biː/ /ˈbɪzi/

reading What to Expect When You're Expecting to Expect.

/ˈriː.dɪŋ/ /wɒt/ /ɪkˈspɛkt/ /wɛn/ /ɪkˈspɛkt/

Guys, did you see that?

/ɡaɪz/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /siː/ /ðæt/

She's going to a Korean massage without me.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /miː/

That's our thing.

/aʊər/ /θɪŋ/

I'm telling you, she's gonna dump me,

/juː/ /dʌmp/ /miː/

just like she dumped Glitter.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ʃiː/ /dʌmpt/

Lily, come on. We don't even know that's what happened.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /wiː/ /ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

Um, hello, somebody already solved that crime

/ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ðæt/

using math, remember?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/

Look, Lily.

/lʊk/

Robin is clearly getting tired

/ɪz/ /ˈklɪərli/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈtaɪ.ərd/

of you constantly talking about babies.

/juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbeɪbiz/

I don't.

Lily, how old am I? 384 months.

/haʊ/ /oʊld/

Busted! Busted!

Okay. So before you Lily all over the place,

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /pleɪs/

maybe you should try hanging out with Robin

/ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /traɪ/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/

and not talking about babies.

/ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbeɪbiz/

So Lily did just that.

/dɪd/ /dʒʌst/ /ðæt/

She tried not to talk about babies.

/ʃiː/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbeɪbiz/

Hey, Lily, what brings you to the crib?

/wɒt/ /brɪŋz/ /juː/

Crib...

What's the matter? You look rattled.

/ˈmætər/ /juː/ /lʊk/

Rattled?

I want to talk about babies. What?

/wɒnt/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbeɪbiz/ /wɒt/

Look, I know you don't care about this stuff,

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /kɛr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /stʌf/

but I'm about to become a mother.

/bʌt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /bɪˈkʌm/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

And as a future mother,

/ænd/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

I'm gonna need the support...

/niːd/ /səˈpɔːrt/

Oh, my God! You're not even pregnant yet.

/maɪ/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /jɛt/

What's that supposed to mean?

/ðæt/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /miːn/

It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself

/ɪt/ /ðæt/ /hæz/ /jɛt/

to the lining of your uterine wall.

/jʊr/ /wɔːl/

You see? I read your Facebook updates.

/juː/ /siː/ /riːd/ /jʊr/

God, it's like it's all you ever talk about, Lily,

/laɪk/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

and I'm sick of it!

/ænd/ /sɪk/ /ɪt/

Well, guess what? I've got some good news.

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/ /sʌm/ /ɡʊd/ /njuːz/

When that baby comes, you don't have to see it.

/wɛn/ /ðæt/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /hæv/ /siː/ /ɪt/

In fact, you don't have to see me.

/fækt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /siː/ /miː/

This whole friendship thing? Done.

/hoʊl/ /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/ /θɪŋ/ /dʌn/

Great. Great.

/ɡreɪt/ /ɡreɪt/

For crying out loud.

/fɔːr/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /laʊd/

You broke up with Robin?

/juː/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/

I had to. We were growing apart,

/hæd/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɡroʊɪŋ/

and we're better off without each other.

/ænd/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ɒf/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Okay, Lily, you sound about as convincing as you did

/juː/ /saʊnd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /dɪd/

the time you "accidentally" shredded

/taɪm/ /juː/

my Joey Buttafuoco pants.

/maɪ/ /pænts/

No!

/noʊ/

Get on the phone, call Robin and fix this.

/ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /foʊn/ /kɔːl/ /ænd/ /fɪks/

I can't. The damage is done.

/ɪz/ /dʌn/

Can you just hold me?

/kæn/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /hoʊld/ /miː/

You know what? No.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /noʊ/

I don't agree with what you did,

/əˈɡriː/ /wɪð/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /dɪd/

and so I refuse to comfort you,

/ænd/ /rɪˈfjuːz/ /juː/

despite how adorable you are when you cry.

/haʊ/ /əˈdɔːrəbəl/ /juː/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /kraɪ/

Okay.

Okay. Maybe just one cuddle, but then that is it.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /dʒʌst/ /bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Times Square's the bomb!

/taɪmz/

I got so many great pictures of all the billboards.

/ˈmɛn.i/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈpɪktʃərz/ /ɔːl/

Yeah. You know,

/juː/ /noʊ/

there's more to New York than Times Square.

/mɔːr/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ðæn/ /taɪmz/

There's the Village, the Lower East Side, Central Park...

/iːst/ /saɪd/ /pɑːrk/

They got better billboards then the ones in Times Square?

/ðeɪ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðɛn/ /taɪmz/

No.

/noʊ/

Times Square's the bomb!

/taɪmz/

Here. You know what? Hold this, okay?

/hɪr/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /hoʊld/

I'm going to go pee in the jar

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/ /piː/

I got going in the alley.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Seriously, dude, he has got to go.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/ /hiː/ /hæz/ /ɡoʊ/

You need to be like,

/juː/ /niːd/ /biː/ /laɪk/

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye."

/juː/ /lɪŋk/

Punchy, the tribe has spoken.

/hæz/

Please pack up your knives and go.

/pliːz/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/ /ænd/ /ɡoʊ/

Your work of art

/jʊr/ /wɜːrk/ /ɑːrt/

didn't work for us.

/wɜːrk/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/

Your time's up.

/jʊr/ /ʌp/

I have to ask you

/hæv/ /æsk/ /juː/

to leave the mansion.

/liːv/

You must leave the chateau.

/juː/ /mʌst/ /liːv/

Your tour ends here.

/jʊr/ /hɪr/

You've been chopped.

Okay, yeah. I know.

/noʊ/

You've been evicted

from the Big Brother house.

/bɪɡ/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/ /haʊs/

Your dessert just didn't measure up.

/jʊr/ /dɪˈzɜːrt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈmɛʒər/ /ʌp/

Sashay away.

/əˈweɪ/

Give me your jacket

/ɡɪv/ /miː/ /jʊr/ /ˈdʒækɪt/

and leave Hell's Kitchen.

/ænd/ /liːv/ /ˈkɪtʃɪn/

I'm sorry, you did not get a rose.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /ɡɛt/ /roʊz/

You have been eliminated from the race.

/juː/ /hæv/ /reɪs/

You are no longer in the running

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/

to be America's Next Top Model.

/biː/ /nɛkst/ /tɒp/ /ˈmɒdəl/

You're fired.

/faɪərd/

Auf Wiedersehen. Auf Wiedersehen.

Ted, come look at this.

/kʌm/ /lʊk/

I found a little wounded bird in the alley.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /bɜːrd/

That's your scrotum.

/jʊr/

You know what it is, Ted. You know what it is.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

Come on, Ted. You always fall for that.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /fɔːl/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

Yeah, he's gotta go.

/ɡoʊ/

What are we doing in Madison Square Garden?

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /ˈɡɑːr.dən/

Okay, you refused to talk to Robin.

/juː/ /tɔːk/

So I thought that you might like to talk to...

/θɔːt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /maɪt/ /laɪk/ /tɔːk/

the organist for the New York Rangers.

/fɔːr/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Jessica Glitter?! Jessica Glitter?!

How did you find Glitter?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /faɪnd/

Simple, really.

/ˈsɪm.pəl/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

I used my powers of deduction.

/maɪ/

You see, I knew Glitter used to be a keytarist,

/juː/ /siː/ /njuː/ /biː/

which is basically a piano,

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /piˈænoʊ/

so I just made a list of all the keyboard-based occupations

/dʒʌst/ /lɪst/ /ɔːl/

and then I cross-matched them...

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ðɛm/

His friend Barney looked me up,

/hɪz/ /frɛnd/ /miː/ /ʌp/

hoping to buy my Space Teens costume.

/ˈhoʊpɪŋ/ /baɪ/ /maɪ/ /speɪs/ /ˈkɒstjuːm/

Yo, Glitter... Yo, Glitter...

Be cool.

/biː/ /kuːl/

So, is this the one who's best friends with Robin now?

/ɪz/ /bɛst/ /frɛndz/ /wɪð/ /naʊ/

More like ex-best friends.

/mɔːr/ /laɪk/ /frɛndz/

Just like you.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /juː/

I'm sorry to hear that.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hɪr/ /ðæt/

I miss Robin.

/mɪs/

Yeah, well, Marshall and I are about to get pregnant,

/wɛl/ /ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

and I know she stopped being friends

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /ʃiː/ /frɛndz/

with you when you had a baby, so...

/wɪð/ /juː/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /hæd/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Oh, Robin didn't stop being friends with me.

/stɒp/ /frɛndz/ /wɪð/ /miː/

I stopped being friends with her.

/frɛndz/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

What? Why?

/wɒt/ /waɪ/

Because I had a baby.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /hæd/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Honey, when you have a baby,

/ˈhʌni/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

all that best friend stuff--

/ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /stʌf/

hockey, bow hunting for caribou, math--

/ˈhɒki/ /fɔːr/

that all goes out the window.

/ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /ɡoʊz/ /aʊt/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/

I mean, I tried to stay friends with her,

/miːn/ /steɪ/ /frɛndz/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

but it just didn't happen.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhæpən/

She took it pretty hard.

/ʃiː/ /tʊk/ /ɪt/ /ˈprɪti/ /hɑːrd/

I even thought she might try to kill herself.

/ˈiːvən/ /θɔːt/ /ʃiː/ /maɪt/ /traɪ/ /kɪl/

Charge!

Wow. You dumped her just because you had a baby?

/juː/ /dʌmpt/ /hɜːr/ /dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /hæd/ /ˈbeɪbi/

That's cold.

/koʊld/

Didn't you do the same thing?

/juː/ /duː/ /seɪm/ /θɪŋ/

Minus the baby?

/ˈbeɪbi/

Oh, God.

I gotta go.

/ɡoʊ/

I gotta go apologize to Robin.

/ɡoʊ/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/

I- I need to tell her I love her,

/niːd/ /tɛl/ /hɜːr/ /lʌv/ /hɜːr/

and that she'll always be a priority.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/

Be careful, Lily.

/biː/ /ˈkɛr.fəl/

I made those promises, too.

/ðoʊz/

And now I haven't even talked to her in five years.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈiːvən/ /hɜːr/ /faɪv/

Sure, I thought about picking up the phone

/ʃʊr/ /θɔːt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ʌp/ /foʊn/

and calling her a hundred times,

/ænd/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /ˈhʌndrəd/ /taɪmz/

but I just never have the courage to actually...

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hæv/ /ˈæktʃuəli/

Hey. Hey.

Go ahead.

/ɡoʊ/

Hey, do you guys get Big Chuck and Little John out here?

/duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /bɪɡ/ /ænd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

Punchy, it's time to go back.

/taɪm/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/

Back to Times Square?!

/bæk/ /taɪmz/

Uh, no. Back-Back to Cleveland.

/noʊ/ /ˈkliːvlənd/

I don't know if I can do that, bro.

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /kæn/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /broʊ/

I mean, yeah, I've been jonesing for a piece

/miːn/ /fɔːr/ /piːs/

of Cleveland-style pizza,

but I feel bad about leaving you out here.

/bʌt/ /fiːl/ /bæd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

I worry about you, Ted.

/ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

You worry about me?

/juː/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

Yeah.

The other day, when you called...

/ˈʌð.ər/ /deɪ/ /wɛn/ /juː/

Schmosby! Punchy! Schmosby! Punchy!

Hey, good talking to you, Ted.

/ɡʊd/ /juː/

Yeah. You, too. If you're ever in New York...

/juː/ /ɪf/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Definitely.

/ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/

Sweetie, who was that?

/ˈswiːti/ /huː/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/

It was my friend Ted.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/

He sounded kind of depressed.

/hiː/ /kaɪnd/

Is this the Ted who got left at the altar?

/ɪz/ /huː/ /lɛft/

Yeah.

He's not doing so good.

/ɡʊd/

Poor guy lives in a tiny apartment in New York,

/pʊr/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈtaɪni/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

nowhere near Times Square.

/nɪər/ /taɪmz/

He's got no family around.

/noʊ/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /əˈraʊnd/

He's still single, doesn't have a backyard.

/ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /hæv/

It's just a bummer.

/dʒʌst/

Maybe you should go visit him. Cheer him up a little.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈvɪz.ɪt/ /hɪm/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

You know, buy him some shots,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /baɪ/ /hɪm/ /sʌm/ /ʃɒts/

do the whole wounded bird trick.

/duː/ /hoʊl/ /bɜːrd/

You think that would work?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /wʊd/ /wɜːrk/

Worked on me.

/wɜːrkt/ /ɒn/ /miː/

She sounds pretty great, Punchy.

/ʃiː/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡreɪt/

She's my angel.

/maɪ/

In fact, uh...

/fækt/

We're getting married.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

That's-- I'm-I'm really happy for you.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈhæp.i/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Thanks, Ted. Thanks.

Actually, that's the other reason why I came out here.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈriːzən/ /waɪ/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

I wanted to see if you'd be my best man.