Season 7 · Tập 2

Oh, God, guys, I'm still really hungover.

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Did I really ruin a wedding?

/dɪd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈruːɪn/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

No, you didn't ruin a wedding.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ˈruːɪn/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Just the reception.

/dʒʌst/

And the bar mitzvah next door.

/ænd/ /bɑːr/ /nɛkst/ /dɔːr/

And my dress.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /drɛs/

And your dress. You put on a dress at one point.

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /drɛs/ /juː/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /drɛs/ /pɔɪnt/

Okay, you know what, that's it.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/

I'm about to be a dad, and I want to be

/əˈbaʊt/ /biː/ /dæd/ /ænd/ /wɒnt/ /biː/

the kind of man that my child can look up to.

/kaɪnd/ /mæn/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /tʃaɪld/ /kæn/ /lʊk/ /ʌp/

So, sweeping declaration--

I am never getting drunk again as long as I live.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /drʌŋk/ /əˈɡɛn/ /lɔːŋ/ /lɪv/

I'm serious.

/ˈsɪəriəs/

NARRATOR: Kids, it's not that your Uncle Marshall

/kɪdz/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

had a drinking problem.

/hæd/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /ˈprɒbləm/

But whenever he made a sweeping declaration like that,

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

you pretty much knew...

/juː/ /ˈprɪti/ /mʌtʃ/ /njuː/

: I did it again.

/dɪd/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

/bʌt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

What happened to your leg?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /jʊr/ /lɛɡ/

Oh, nothing.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

I'm meeting Nora for coffee.

/ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

She's still mad at me, so I need some sympathy points.

/mæd/ /miː/ /niːd/ /sʌm/ /pɔɪnts/

She likes musicals, so I'm going

/ʃiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

to tell her I fell off the stage

/tɛl/ /hɜːr/ /ɒf/

during a performance of Man of La Mancha.

/ˈdʊərɪŋ/ /pəˈfɔːməns/ /mæn/

What do you think?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Lose the cast.

/luːz/

A one-man show-- I like it!

/ʃoʊ/ /laɪk/ /ɪt/

Just so we're clear--

/dʒʌst/ /klɪər/

this woman is mad at you because you lied to her.

/ˈwʊm.ən/ /ɪz/ /mæd/ /juː/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /laɪd/ /hɜːr/

So your solution is to pretend you broke your leg?

/jʊr/ /səˈluːʃən/ /ɪz/ /juː/ /jʊr/ /lɛɡ/

You're right.

/raɪt/

A neck brace. Thanks, Lil.

/nɛk/

Man, I wish I'd have talked to you sooner.

/mæn/ /wɪʃ/ /hæv/ /juː/

I've been practicing with these crutches all day

/wɪð/ /ðiːz/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/

and whoever left them in my lobby

/ænd/ /lɛft/ /ðɛm/ /maɪ/ /ˈlɒbi/

probably really needs 'em.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Well, uh, I have some good news.

/wɛl/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /ɡʊd/ /njuːz/

As you all know, I recently decided to get back out there

/juː/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/ /ˈriːsəntli/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

and start dating again. And, uh, well...

/ænd/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ænd/ /wɛl/

Is this you?

/ɪz/ /juː/

Uh, yeah. Hi.

I'm Ted.

- Hi. - Hi. - Hi. - Hi.

That's great, Ted.

/ɡreɪt/

Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment of pure destiny.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

The kind you just can't manufacture.

/kaɪnd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/

Or so I thought.

/θɔːt/

Oh, no. How did I get on there?

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /dɪd/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /ðɛr/

Hi. Ted Mosby.

Guilty.

/ˈɡɪlti/

Hi. Ted Mosby. Hi. Ted Mosby.

That is embarrassing.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

I should be on the cover of Egg On My Face magazine.

/ʃʊd/ /biː/ /ɒn/ /ˈkʌvər/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /feɪs/ /ˌmæɡəˈziːn/

But I'm not.

/bʌt/

I'm on the cover of this one.

/ɒn/ /ˈkʌvər/

Hi. Ted Mosby.

16 moments of pure destiny

in one day, and of those 16,

/deɪ/ /ænd/ /ðoʊz/

ten were single.

/tɛn/ /wɜːr/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

Of those ten, seven liked what they saw.

/ðoʊz/ /tɛn/ /ˈsɛvən/ /wɒt/ /ðeɪ/ /sɔː/

Of those seven,

/ðoʊz/ /ˈsɛvən/

four were women.

/wɜːr/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

Of those four,

/ðoʊz/

two gave me their real number.

/tuː/ /ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /ðɛr/ /riːl/ /ˈnʌmbər/

And I have a date with both of them.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/ /boʊθ/ /ðɛm/

Okay. Okay.

Guys,

/ɡaɪz/

it's Garrison Cootes.

Kids, Garrison Cootes was a senior partner

/kɪdz/ /wɒz/ /ˈsiːniər/ /ˈpɑːrtnər/

at Honeywell & Cootes.

One of the biggest environmental law firms

/ɪnˌvaɪrənˈmɛntəl/ /lɔː/

in America.

Marshall would have given anything to work there.

/wʊd/ /hæv/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /wɜːrk/ /ðɛr/

If I don't get this job, I might end up working

/ɪf/ /ɡɛt/ /dʒɒb/ /maɪt/ /ɛnd/ /ʌp/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/

at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere.

/laɪk/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/

And nobody wants that.

/ænd/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ðæt/

Or maybe you guys want that, because you'll get free tacos,

/ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɒnt/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɡɛt/ /friː/

'cause your my peeps.

/kɔːz/ /jʊr/ /maɪ/

But right now I need all of you to calm down!

/bʌt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/ /niːd/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /kɑːm/ /daʊn/

: Hello.

Marshall, this is Garrison Cootes.

/ɪz/

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner,

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /juː/

but I've just been swamped.

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/

Which is funny, 'cause I'm literally

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /kɔːz/

standing in a swamp.

Anyway, I'm just out here, I'm just collecting some samples

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/

for this pollution case we're working on.

/fɔːr/ /pəˈluːʃən/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /ɒn/

I love the work you guys do. That's a croc...

/lʌv/ /wɜːrk/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /duː/

No, I mean it.

/noʊ/ /miːn/ /ɪt/

No, no, there's a crocodile about five feet away from me.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /faɪv/ /fiːt/ /əˈweɪ/ /miː/

So I'm just going to ignore

/dʒʌst/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɪɡˈnɔːr/

the hot urine filling my waders as we speak,

/hɒt/ /maɪ/ /wiː/ /spiːk/

and tell you that we're very interested.

/ænd/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈɪntrəstɪd/

He's interested.

/ˈɪntrəstɪd/

Obviously we have to do some sort

/ˈɒbviəsli/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /duː/ /sʌm/ /sɔːrt/

of credit check, you know, a criminal record

/tʃɛk/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkrɪmɪnəl/ /rɪˈkɔːrd/

and Google search, but as long as nothing unseemly turns up,

/ænd/ /sɜːrtʃ/ /bʌt/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ʌp/

you're good to go, man.

/ɡʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /mæn/

That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

Well, I gotta run.

/wɛl/ /rʌn/

This is so funny,

/ɪz/ /ˈfʌn.i/

because, actually, I physically have to run now.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /hæv/ /rʌn/ /naʊ/

- Croc saw you? - He's advancing, yeah.

/sɔː/ /juː/

NARRATOR: The next night, Barney met Nora for coffee.

/nɛkst/ /naɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

Thankfully, without the ridiculous leg cast.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /lɛɡ/

Hey, Nora, thanks for meeting me here.

/fɔːr/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /miː/ /hɪr/

What happened to your neck?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /jʊr/ /nɛk/

My wha...? Oh, it's nothing.

/maɪ/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

I was performing in a one-man show of Fiddler.

/wɒz/ /ʃoʊ/

There was this roof.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ruːf/

Wow, that one has fantastic ta-tas.

/ðæt/ /hæz/

What, where?

/wɒt/ /wɛr/

Oh... Oh, damn it.

/ɪt/

Ta-ta. Ta-ta.

Wait, Nora, wait... No, look, please don't.

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /noʊ/ /lʊk/ /pliːz/

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

What is the matter with you?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈmætər/ /wɪð/ /juː/

What kind of person needs to lie like that.

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /laɪ/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

A person who really, really likes you.

/ˈpɜːrsən/ /huː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /juː/

And suspects, probably accurately,

/ænd/ /ˈprɒbəbli/

that you're way out of his league,

/ðæt/ /weɪ/ /aʊt/ /hɪz/ /liːɡ/

and so he feels the need to...

/ænd/ /hiː/ /fiːlz/ /niːd/

I'm sorry, you were kidding

/ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

about the fantastic ta-tas, right?

/əˈbaʊt/ /raɪt/

'Cause I'm looking around and I do not see 'em...

/kɔːz/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ænd/ /duː/ /siː/

I just had two back-to-back dates.

/dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /tuː/ /deɪts/

That's right, two lovely ladies,

/raɪt/ /tuː/ /ˈlʌvli/

four large cappuccinos, and... one sec.

/lɑːrdʒ/ /ænd/

And I don't know which date was more awesome.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /wɪtʃ/ /deɪt/ /wɒz/ /mɔːr/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Let's meet the girls.

/miːt/ /ɡɜːrlz/

TED: Jessica is a Rhodes scholar.

/ɪz/ /ˈskɒlər/

She's traveled all over the world.

/ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /wɜːrld/

Speaks four languages, is a concert pianist.

/ɪz/ /ˈkɒnsərt/

And Claire reached for the check.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /tʃɛk/

So I don't know.

/noʊ/

It's a squeaker.

I mean, both of these girls

/miːn/ /boʊθ/ /ðiːz/ /ɡɜːrlz/

have the potential to be something really special.

/hæv/ /biː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈspɛʃəl/

They both move on to the next round.

/ðeɪ/ /boʊθ/ /muːv/ /ɒn/ /nɛkst/ /raʊnd/

Wait a minute.

/weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

You're going to date two girls at once?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /deɪt/ /tuː/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /wʌns/

Don't you think you should just choose one

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /tʃuːz/

before it gets serious?

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

Define serious.

/ˈsɪəriəs/

Well, that's complicated.

/wɛl/

I guess you have to weigh expectations,

/ɡɛs/ /juː/ /hæv/

emotional investments...

/ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/

Third base.

Seriously, third base.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/

So I can go to second base with both of these girls, no problem?

/kæn/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /wɪð/ /boʊθ/ /ðiːz/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /noʊ/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Oh, honk away, my friend. Yeah, honk away.

/əˈweɪ/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /əˈweɪ/

Oh, no.

/noʊ/

NARRATOR: Ever since Mr. Cootes mentioned the background check,

/ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/ /tʃɛk/

Marshall had been scouring the Internet.

/hæd/ /ˈɪntərˌnɛt/

Most of what he found was pretty harmless.

/moʊst/ /wɒt/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈprɪti/

In some cases, really awesome, until...

/sʌm/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /ənˈtɪl/

Not good.

/ɡʊd/

This-- this is not good.

/ɪz/ /ɡʊd/

Thanks, Stacy.

Wesleyan has a new cafeteria,

/hæz/ /njuː/

thanks to the generous endowment from--

/ˈdʒɛnərəs/

Oh, ho-ho! Oh, ho-ho!

Did somebody say generous endowment?

/dɪd/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /seɪ/ /ˈdʒɛnərəs/

I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you can call me Beercules!

/bʌt/ /juː/ /kæn/ /kɔːl/ /miː/

Well, that could be anybody.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/

Oh, man, I forgot about Beercules.

/mæn/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

Who made this Web site anyway?

/huː/ /wɛb/ /saɪt/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

- Pete Durkenson. - Of course.

/kɔːrs/

Is that the guy who convinced you to run across campus naked?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /juː/ /rʌn/ /əˈkrɒs/ /ˈkæmpəs/

I was pledging his frat,

/wɒz/ /hɪz/

which I gave up on after three days,

/wɪtʃ/ /ɡeɪv/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/ /ˈæf.tər/ /θriː/

because frats are stupid and elitist

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ænd/

and also I found out he wasn't in a frat.

/ænd/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /aʊt/ /hiː/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

This is awesome.

/ɪz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

I just got invited to the Architects' Ball,

/dʒʌst/ /bɔːl/

the annual gala that honors the city's greatest architects.

/ðæt/

Oh, no, you guys see why this sucks, right?

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /siː/ /waɪ/ /raɪt/

Because it's an annual gala

/bɪˈkɔːz/

honoring the city's greatest architects?

Robin, this is the social event of the year.

/ɪz/ /ˈsoʊʃəl/ /ɪˈvɛnt/ /jɪr/

You take a girl to the Architects' Ball,

/juː/ /teɪk/ /ɡɜːrl/ /bɔːl/

brother, you're going to third base.

/ˈbrʌð.ər/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Whichever girl

/ɡɜːrl/

I take as my date,

/teɪk/ /maɪ/ /deɪt/

she will be Miss Ted Mosby's girlfriend

/ʃiː/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /mɪs/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

by the end of the night.

/ɛnd/ /naɪt/

Okay, no more sitting on the fence.

/noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /ɒn/ /fɛns/

Robin, get me my legal pad.

/ɡɛt/ /miː/ /maɪ/ /ˈliːɡəl/ /pæd/

It's pros and cons time!

/ænd/ /taɪm/

NARRATOR: And kids, they really cheered.

/ænd/ /kɪdz/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Let me make one thing very clear to you.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /meɪk/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /klɪər/ /juː/

I don't date guys who lie to me.

/deɪt/ /ɡaɪz/ /huː/ /laɪ/ /miː/

Well, see, I did not know that.

/wɛl/ /siː/ /dɪd/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

My bad.

/maɪ/ /bæd/

So, from here on in, no more lies.

/hɪr/ /ɒn/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/

I will never lie to you again.

/wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /laɪ/ /juː/ /əˈɡɛn/

I'm serious. Ask me anything.

/ˈsɪəriəs/ /æsk/ /miː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Okay. Okay.

Have you ever successfully

/hæv/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

gotten a woman in bed by lying to her?

/ˈwʊm.ən/ /bɛd/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

Have I ever...

/hæv/ /ˈɛv.ər/

If I'm being totally honest...

/ɪf/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈɒnɪst/

Yes.

More than once?

/mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /wʌns/

More than once...

/mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /wʌns/

Wow, that's...

I guess if we're splitting hairs,

/ɡɛs/ /ɪf/

then, technically... there was a plurality

/ðɛn/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/

to the times I've lied to women for sex having purposes.

/taɪmz/ /laɪd/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /fɔːr/ /sɛks/ /ˈhævɪŋ/

What were they?

/wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /ðeɪ/

Nines and tens mostly.

/ænd/

There was a four once.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /wʌns/

She was a slump buster.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/

But, Nora, after that, I had a run that you would not believe.

/bʌt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/ /hæd/ /rʌn/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /bɪˈliːv/

Man, honesty feels good.

/mæn/ /fiːlz/ /ɡʊd/

What were the lies?

/wɒt/ /wɜːr/

You want me to tell you every lie I've ever told a woman

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /laɪ/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /toʊld/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

to get her into bed?

/ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/ /bɛd/

A bed or any other place you had sex with her.

/bɛd/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /pleɪs/ /juː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Oh, you're good.

/ɡʊd/

Pete, Pete. Hey.

Beercules! Beercules!

Bring it in, dude.

/brɪŋ/ /ɪt/

Hey, I've been trying to call you,

/kɔːl/ /juː/

like, all night.

/laɪk/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

Oh, my God, sorry.

/maɪ/ /ˈsɒr.i/

I would have answered, but it is Tuesday night.

/wʊd/ /hæv/ /bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /naɪt/

It's Sunday.

/ˈsʌndeɪ/

And you know what that means.

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/

"Edward Forty Hands."

/hændz/

NARRATOR: Kids, "Edward Forty Hands"

/kɪdz/ /hændz/

is a game that involves taping two 40-ounce bottles

/ɪz/ /ɡeɪm/ /ðæt/ /tuː/

of malt liquor to your hands.

/jʊr/ /hændz/

The object is to finish both bottle--

/ˈɒb.dʒɪkt/ /ɪz/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /boʊθ/ /ˈbɒtəl/

Oh, my God, why am I telling you this?

/maɪ/ /waɪ/ /juː/

Let's move on.

/muːv/ /ɒn/

Okay, you know that old video of me streaking?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /oʊld/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /miː/

I watch it every day.

/wɒtʃ/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /deɪ/

Well, I need you to take it down off the Internet.

/wɛl/ /niːd/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /daʊn/ /ɒf/ /ˈɪntərˌnɛt/

Like, right now.

/laɪk/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

There are two ways that can happen.

/ðɛr/ /tuː/ /weɪz/ /ðæt/ /kæn/ /ˈhæpən/

One, you can give me $4 million,

/juː/ /kæn/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ˈmɪljən/

or... you can help me go to the bathroom,

/juː/ /kæn/ /hɛlp/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈbæθruːm/

because I... I can't...

/bɪˈkɔːz/

Yeah, those are two non-negotiable no's.

/ðoʊz/ /tuː/

Well, I'm sorry we could not do business together.

/wɛl/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /wiː/ /kʊd/ /duː/ /ˈbɪznɪs/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

But if you'll excuse me,

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

I'm in the middle of a game of "Edward Forty Hands,"

/ˈmɪdəl/ /ɡeɪm/ /hændz/

and the competition is fierce.

/ænd/ /ˌkɒmpɪˈtɪʃən/ /ɪz/ /fɪərs/

Who are you playing with, anyway?

/huː/ /juː/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

Just myself.

/dʒʌst/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

Meanwhile, Barney continued listing every lie

/ˈɛv.ri/ /laɪ/

he'd ever told to get laid.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /toʊld/ /ɡɛt/

There's no time to explain how I got bit there.

/noʊ/ /taɪm/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/ /haʊ/ /ðɛr/

I just need someone to suck the poison out.

/dʒʌst/ /niːd/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /aʊt/

The surgeons gave me a new face,

/ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /njuː/ /feɪs/

honey.

/ˈhʌni/

Aren't you relieved I'm alive?

/juː/ /əˈlaɪv/

Me llamo David Beckham. Me llamo David Beckham.

/miː/ /miː/

: If I were only casting The White Swan

/ɪf/ /wɜːr/ /ˈoʊnli/

the role would be yours.

/roʊl/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /jɔːrz/

: No, I am a lesbian.

/noʊ/

This thing that I'm wearing is just really lifelike.

/θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Okay, let's skip ahead.

/skɪp/

What's the worst one?

/wɜːrst/

The lowest of the low?

/loʊ/

The creme de la creepy?

/ˈkriːpi/

Uh... Oh, I once pulled The Soul Man.

/wʌns/ /mæn/

There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys...

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ɡɜːrl/ /huː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/ /blæk/ /ɡaɪz/

Barnell! Ooh, I knew it!

/njuː/ /ɪt/

I can't decide.

/dɪˈsaɪd/

They're both awesome.

/boʊθ/ /ˈɔːsəm/

If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?

/ɪf/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hæd/ /tuː/ /raɪt/

I got this.

Ted, left or right?

/lɛft/ /raɪt/

Yes, yes, great idea.

/ɡreɪt/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Let the fates decide, huh?

/lɛt/ /dɪˈsaɪd/

I will pick left.

/wɪl/ /pɪk/ /lɛft/

Just call one of 'em.

/dʒʌst/ /kɔːl/

Ugh! Ugh!

/ʌɡ/ /ʌɡ/

Ted, deep in your heart,

/diːp/ /jʊr/ /hɑːrt/

you know that you kind of like one

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /kaɪnd/ /laɪk/

more than the other.

/mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Trust me-- take the other.

/trʌst/ /miː/ /teɪk/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Um, maybe I haven't been clear: this is...

/ˈmeɪbi/ /klɪər/ /ɪz/

the Architects' Ball, Robin.

/bɔːl/

It's a star-studded event.

/ɪˈvɛnt/

Okay, name one celebrity who's gonna be there.

/neɪm/ /biː/ /ðɛr/

Uh... Lenny Kravitz. Uh... Lenny Kravitz.

Lenny Kravitz is gonna be there?

/ɪz/ /biː/ /ðɛr/

Yeah. He's there every year.

/ðɛr/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /jɪr/

And that guy's a rock star.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /stɑːr/

You know, Ted, I've been thinking--

/juː/ /noʊ/

it's too soon to narrow it down between these two girls.

/suːn/ /ɪt/ /daʊn/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /ðiːz/ /tuː/ /ɡɜːrlz/

Just take a friend.

/dʒʌst/ /teɪk/ /frɛnd/

Like I... I don't know, maybe, uh, a friend

/laɪk/ /noʊ/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /frɛnd/

who had a poster of Lenny Kravitz on her wall,

/huː/ /hæd/ /ɒn/ /hɜːr/ /wɔːl/

and may or may not have, perhaps,

/ænd/ /meɪ/ /meɪ/ /hæv/ /pərˈhæps/

dated that poster, on and off, throughout high school.

/ˈdeɪtɪd/ /ðæt/ /ɒn/ /ænd/ /ɒf/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/

This pros and cons list isn't cutting it.

/ænd/ /lɪst/ /ɪt/

I need a color chart.

/niːd/ /ˈkʌlər/

ALL : Color chart! Color chart!

/ɔːl/ /ˈkʌlər/ /ˈkʌlər/

NARRATOR: And, kids, we all really chanted.

/ænd/ /kɪdz/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Pete, please. Pete, xin anh.

/pliːz/

I'm unemployed.

/ˌʌnɪmˈplɔɪd/

I have a huge mortgage.

/hæv/ /hjuːdʒ/

I have a baby on the way.

/hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ɒn/ /weɪ/

And now, I'm about to lose a job I really need

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /luːz/ /dʒɒb/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /niːd/

because of a 15-year-old prank!

/bɪˈkɔːz/

Ugh! Do you hear yourself?

/ʌɡ/ /duː/ /juː/ /hɪr/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Beercules, what happened?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

You're like a different person.

/laɪk/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

The guy in that video was awesome.

/ɡaɪ/ /ðæt/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /wɒz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

He had potential.

/hiː/ /hæd/

He could have been president of the frat one day.

/hiː/ /kʊd/ /hæv/ /deɪ/

There was no frat!

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/

Now he's just a bummer.

/naʊ/ /dʒʌst/

It's not like I want to be a bummer.

/laɪk/ /wɒnt/ /biː/

I just... I have to be.

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /biː/

I'm gonna be a dad.

/biː/ /dæd/

You'll have kids someday.

/hæv/ /kɪdz/

You'll understand.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

Dude, I have four kids.

/hæv/ /kɪdz/

Pete, please take the video down.

/pliːz/ /teɪk/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /daʊn/

All right, Beercules, I'll take the video down.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /teɪk/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /daʊn/

If...

/ɪf/

you can best me in a game of my own choosing.

/juː/ /kæn/ /bɛst/ /miː/ /ɡeɪm/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/

Oh, no...

/noʊ/

And I select the beautiful game,

/ænd/ /sɪˈlɛkt/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ɡeɪm/

the sweet science...

/swiːt/

Pete, please, I'm so hungover...

/pliːz/

...the sport of kings...

/spɔːrt/

I don't want to play "Edward Forty Hands."

/wɒnt/ /pleɪ/ /hændz/

I was gonna say darts--

/wɒz/ /seɪ/

but "Edward Forty Hands" it is!

/bʌt/ /hændz/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

And that concludes all the space-related lies.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/

Let's move on to the world of sports.

/muːv/ /ɒn/ /wɜːrld/ /spɔːrts/

Oh, wait, sorry-- I just thought of another space one.

/weɪt/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /dʒʌst/ /θɔːt/ /əˈnʌðər/ /speɪs/

"I've been bitten by a moon snake.

You need to suck all the space poison out of my--"

/juː/ /niːd/ /ɔːl/ /speɪs/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/

Okay, Barney, uh,

I have to be at work tomorrow at 8:00,

/hæv/ /biː/ /wɜːrk/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

which means I have just about enough time

/wɪtʃ/ /hæv/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /taɪm/

to sit in a shower for 11 hours, hugging myself.

/sɪt/ /ˈʃaʊər/ /fɔːr/ /ˈaʊərz/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

So this was fun.

/wɒz/ /fʌn/

Can I call you, or...?

/kæn/ /kɔːl/ /juː/

Barney, you're funny, handsome

/ˈfʌn.i/

and really quite clever.

/ænd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /kwaɪt/ /ˈklɛvər/

But you're also a sociopath.

/bʌt/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/

Well, I count three pros and one con, so...

/wɛl/ /kaʊnt/ /θriː/ /ænd/

How do you still think you have a chance with me?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /hæv/ /tʃæns/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Because you sat here all night.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /sæt/ /hɪr/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

You could've left right away, but you didn't.

/juː/ /lɛft/ /raɪt/ /əˈweɪ/ /bʌt/ /juː/

Look, Nora, all those lies-- that's the old me.

/lʊk/ /ɔːl/ /ðoʊz/ /oʊld/ /miː/

But I swear to you, I am trying to change.

/bʌt/ /swɛər/ /juː/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

You... make me want to change.

/juː/ /meɪk/ /miː/ /wɒnt/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

How do I know that's not a lie?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /noʊ/ /laɪ/

I'll prove it.

/pruːv/ /ɪt/

I will prove how serious I am.

/wɪl/ /pruːv/ /haʊ/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

I will not leave this diner

/wɪl/ /liːv/

until I get a second date with you.

/ənˈtɪl/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Good-bye, Barney.

I'm not kidding.

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/

This is a 24-hour diner.

/ɪz/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

I'll stay here forever, if I have to-- and I will!

/steɪ/ /hɪr/ /fərˈɛvər/ /ɪf/ /hæv/ /ænd/ /wɪl/

Just water for me. Thanks.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈwɔː.tər/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Okay, so red indicates level of attractiveness,

/rɛd/ /ˈlɛv.əl/

blue-- intellectual stimulation,

/bluː/

green-- emotional connection,

/ɡriːn/ /ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/

yellow-- compatibility of life goals,

/ˈjɛloʊ/ /laɪf/

and purple-- whether or not she reached for the check.

/ænd/ /ˈwɛðər/ /ʃiː/ /fɔːr/ /tʃɛk/

Well, it looks like Jessica's ahead

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/

in the first four categories.

/fɜːrst/

Did not reach for the check...

/dɪd/ /riːtʃ/ /fɔːr/ /tʃɛk/

Oh, this?

No big deal. This...

/noʊ/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/

This cost three months rent,

/kɒst/ /θriː/ /rɛnt/

and, uh, I've never gotten to wear it,

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wɛr/ /ɪt/

because I bought it for that big event that you invited me to,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /bɔːt/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /bɪɡ/ /ɪˈvɛnt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /miː/

which then fell through.

/wɪtʃ/ /ðɛn/ /θruː/

But, you know what?

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Don't feel guilty about that.

/fiːl/ /ˈɡɪlti/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

What big event?

/wɒt/ /bɪɡ/ /ɪˈvɛnt/

That thing with your uncle.

/ðæt/ /θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

His funeral?

/hɪz/

It didn't fall through,

/ɪt/ /fɔːl/ /θruː/

he miraculously came out of a coma.

/hiː/ /aʊt/

And I forgive you.

/ænd/ /fərˈɡɪv/ /juː/

Now, can I please meet Lenny Kravitz?

/naʊ/ /kæn/ /pliːz/ /miːt/

: I did it again!

/dɪd/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/

Aw, honey.

/ˈhʌni/

You got drunk again.

/juː/ /drʌŋk/ /əˈɡɛn/

I can't believe I took the over.

/bɪˈliːv/ /tʊk/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Just to be clear, "I did it again" is not a reference...

/dʒʌst/ /biː/ /klɪər/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ɪz/

to my current state of inebriation.

/maɪ/ /ˈkɜːrənt/

What's it a reference to?

/ɪt/

My name is Marshall Eriksen.

/maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

: I'm 33 years old.

/oʊld/

And if my potential future employer, Garrison Cootes,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /maɪ/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/ /ɪmˈplɔɪər/

is watching this...

/ɪz/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/

bow down to Beercules!

/daʊn/

Well, that could be anybody.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/

Oh, goodness.

Pete, this is Lily Aldrin.

/ɪz/

I'm gonna make this real simple:

/meɪk/ /riːl/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

You're gonna take down that video of Marshall.

/teɪk/ /daʊn/ /ðæt/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/

You know why?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/

Because I'm friends with three girls who dated you in college,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /frɛndz/ /wɪð/ /θriː/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /huː/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/ /juː/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

and girls tell each other everything.

/ænd/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /tɛl/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Every tiny detail.

/ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈtaɪni/

Huh. So...

tick-tock, Pete-- tick-tock goes the little wee-wee clock.

/ɡoʊz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /klɒk/

Pete's got a little wee-wee?

/ˈlɪt.əl/

No idea. What's everyone getting?

/noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

This was bound to happen eventually.

/wɒz/ /ˈhæpən/

I've been trying so hard to suppress, like,

/hɑːrd/ /laɪk/

my carefree idiot side,

/maɪ/ /ˈɪdiət/ /saɪd/

that it just rebelled and came out swingin'!

/ðæt/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /ænd/ /aʊt/

It sure did.

/ɪt/ /ʃʊr/ /dɪd/

MARSHALL : Look at me! I'm a windmill!

/lʊk/ /miː/

Who am I kidding? I'm not ready to be a dad.

/huː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /biː/ /dæd/

I thought that I was, but it's, like...

/θɔːt/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /bʌt/ /laɪk/

my dad never did stuff like that, you know?

/maɪ/ /dæd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /dɪd/ /stʌf/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /noʊ/

So what if he did?

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /hiː/ /dɪd/

You'd still love him.

/lʌv/ /hɪm/

And be honest-- wouldn't you love to stumble onto a video

/ænd/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/

of him running down the street naked, yelling,

/hɪm/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /daʊn/ /striːt/

"Hey, Marshall, look at me!

/lʊk/ /miː/

I got an icicle on my deal!"

/ɒn/ /maɪ/ /diːl/

Oh! Hey, guys!

/ɡaɪz/

Ow! My neck!

/maɪ/ /nɛk/

Uh... oh! Hey! Uh... oh! Hay!

/heɪ/

Look at that.

/lʊk/ /ðæt/

Barney, what are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Oh, I told Nora I wouldn't leave until she gave me a second date,

/toʊld/ /liːv/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ʃiː/ /ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /deɪt/

and I mean it.

/ænd/ /miːn/ /ɪt/

I've already been here nine hours.

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hɪr/ /ˈaʊərz/

I still need another minute.

/niːd/ /əˈnʌðər/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

I mean... call me crazy, but

/miːn/ /kɔːl/ /miː/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /bʌt/

I'm gonna stay here until I get that girl back.

/steɪ/ /hɪr/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /bæk/

That-- that's what I want.

/ðæt/ /wɒt/ /wɒnt/

The way Barney feels about Nora--

/weɪ/ /fiːlz/ /əˈbaʊt/

I want that feeling again.

/wɒnt/ /ðæt/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /əˈɡɛn/

I don't want to be choosing between two girls,

/wɒnt/ /biː/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /tuː/ /ɡɜːrlz/

I want to be... a complete head-over-heels idiot for one.

/wɒnt/ /biː/ /kəmˈpliːt/ /ˈɪdiət/ /fɔːr/

Yeah, the complete head-over-heels idiot thing's

/kəmˈpliːt/ /ˈɪdiət/

pretty nice.

/ˈprɪti/ /naɪs/

It's not bad.

/bæd/

Although, for the record--

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /rɪˈkɔːrd/

sweeping declaration!--

I am never getting drunk again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /drʌŋk/ /əˈɡɛn/

NARRATOR: And sure enough...

/ænd/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪˈnʌf/

All hail Beercules!

/ɔːl/

Yeah! Yeah!

NARRATOR: But, again, I'm getting ahead of myself.

/bʌt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

Hello.

Marshall! Garrison Cootes.

Yes, Mr. Cootes.

Hi. How are you?

/haʊ/ /juː/

I just wanted to let you know, we did the background check,

/dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wiː/ /dɪd/ /tʃɛk/

and that is some disturbing streaking.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /sʌm/

Sir, th-th-the thing is, um...

/sɜːr/ /θɪŋ/ /ɪz/

The rainbow streaking in this sample

is definitely from chemical runoff.

/ɪz/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /ˈkɛmɪkəl/

Oh, I...

Bottom line-- we'd love to have you on board.

/laɪn/ /lʌv/ /hæv/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /bɔːrd/

That is fantastic!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

Thank you, Mr. Cootes!

/juː/

Well, you're welcome.

/wɛl/ /ˈwɛlkəm/

And-- oh, and when you're at the office,

/ænd/ /ænd/ /wɛn/ /ˈɒfɪs/

try to wear some clothes, okay, Beercules?

/traɪ/ /wɛr/ /sʌm/ /kloʊðz/

Wow! That's a big snake.

/bɪɡ/

Oh, there's a snake in the swamp?

No, I'm talking about your penis.

/noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/

See you tomorrow.

/siː/ /juː/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

I got the job.

/dʒɒb/

Yay! Yay!

/jeɪ/ /jeɪ/

And I think that my boss already sexually harassed me.

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /bɔːs/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /miː/

But he saw the video and he doesn't care!

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /sɔː/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /ænd/ /hiː/ /kɛr/

See that? Maybe Beercules isn't so bad after all.

/siː/ /ðæt/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /bæd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɔːl/

Yeah.

Hello?

Hey, Marshall, my name is Pete Durkenson.

/maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

We went to Wesleyan together.

/wiː/ /wɛnt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/