Season 7 · Tập 21

So, how's living alone?

/ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /əˈloʊn/

You know, it's interesting.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/

When I first moved into my new apartment,

/wɛn/ /fɜːrst/ /maɪ/ /njuː/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

I was nervous.

/wɒz/ /ˈnɜːrvəs/

For the first time in my adult life, I didn't have a roommate.

/fɔːr/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /maɪ/ /ˈædʌlt/ /laɪf/ /hæv/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/

But then it hit me:

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /miː/

for the first time in my adult life, I didn't have a roommate!

/fɔːr/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /maɪ/ /ˈædʌlt/ /laɪf/ /hæv/ /ˈruːmmeɪt/

If I want to walk around naked, nobody cares.

/ɪf/ /wɒnt/ /wɔːk/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /kɛrz/

If I want to leave the laundry basket

/ɪf/ /wɒnt/ /liːv/ /ˈlɔːndri/

in the middle of the living room, nobody stops me.

/ˈmɪdəl/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ruːm/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /miː/

If I bring home soup from the deli

/ɪf/ /brɪŋ/ /hoʊm/ /suːp/

and leave it in the fridge for two days, nobody eats it.

/ænd/ /liːv/ /ɪt/ /frɪdʒ/ /fɔːr/ /tuː/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ɪt/

And if I do something colossally stupid,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /duː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

nobody ever has to know.

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæz/ /noʊ/

People make fun of the guy

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /meɪk/ /fʌn/ /ɡaɪ/

who stays home every night doing nothing.

/huː/ /hoʊm/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /naɪt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

But the truth is... that guy's a genius.

/bʌt/ /truːθ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Because let's be honest, sitting around watching TV,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/

drinking beer and eating ribs alone is what every

/ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /bɪər/ /ænd/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /əˈloʊn/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ˈɛv.ri/

red-blooded American would rather be doing at all times.

/wʊd/ /ˈrɑːðər/ /biː/ /ɔːl/ /taɪmz/

Yeah, but wouldn't it be better to have someone to share the...

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /hæv/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ʃɛr/

I mean, don't you get lonely without...

/miːn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈloʊnli/ /wɪˈðaʊt/

Yeah, that sounds pretty great.

/ðæt/ /ˈprɪti/ /ɡreɪt/

What's the best thing

/bɛst/ /θɪŋ/

about dating a stripper, you ask?

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /juː/ /æsk/

Nope. Ko

Just asked for your drink order.

/dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈɔːrdər/

I'll tell you the best thing about dating a stripper.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /bɛst/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

He'll just have a scotch.

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/

Getting to say,

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /seɪ/

"Hey, I'm dating a stripper."

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

And I should go.

/ænd/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/

Time to make the doughnuts.

/taɪm/ /meɪk/

More like time to make some dough sitting on some nuts.

/mɔːr/ /laɪk/ /taɪm/ /meɪk/ /sʌm/ /doʊ/ /ɒn/ /sʌm/ /nʌts/

She's a stripper.

I'm dating her.

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

I'm dating a stripper. Barney wins.

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

I'll walk you out.

/wɔːk/ /juː/ /aʊt/

Hey, where are you going?

/wɛr/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Quinn needs to get to work. She's a...

/ɡɛt/ /wɜːrk/

I know, a stripper, got it.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/

Hey, taxi!

My girlfriend's a stripper!

/maɪ/

So, Ted, guess where we're having dinner Friday night.

/ɡɛs/ /wɛr/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /naɪt/

Chez L'Argent. Chez L'Argent.

I am so excited.

/ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/

We've been trying forever to get this reservation.

/fərˈɛvər/ /ɡɛt/

Can you hold on for just one second?

/kæn/ /juː/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /fɔːr/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

What the hell are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

Nothing.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Did you say you had to pee?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /juː/ /hæd/ /piː/

No. Ko

/noʊ/

But yeah, I do have to pee.

/bʌt/ /duː/ /hæv/ /piː/

Man, this kid better be real freakin' cute!

/mæn/ /kɪd/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /biː/ /riːl/ /kjuːt/

What was that all about?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/

Lily had a sex dream last night.

/hæd/ /sɛks/ /driːm/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Sex dream? Do tell.

/sɛks/ /driːm/ /duː/ /tɛl/

I was painting the baby furniture...

/wɒz/ /ˈpeɪntɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈfɜːrnɪtʃər/

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hurry up, before Marshall gets home.

/ˈhʌri/ /ʌp/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ɡɛts/ /hoʊm/

Oh, oh...

Whoa!

I'm sorry, baby.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Were you asleep?

/wɜːr/ /juː/ /əˈsliːp/

All pregnant ladies have crazy sex dreams.

/ɔːl/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /hæv/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /sɛks/ /driːmz/

It's just her hormones going berserk.

/dʒʌst/ /hɜːr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

So who's responsible for her rapid thigh movement this time?

/rɪˈspɒnsɪbl/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/ /taɪm/

Oh, my favorite was when she banged George Washington.

/maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /wɒz/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/

I liked the three-way with Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf.

/wɪð/ /ænd/ /ˈpɑːpə/

Oh, he smurfed the smurf out of her.

/hiː/ /aʊt/ /hɜːr/

Yes, while The Cos smurfed off in the corner.

/waɪl/ /ɒf/ /ˈkɔːrnər/

We all remember. But here's the thing.

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /bʌt/ /θɪŋ/

When Lily has dirty dreams about other people,

/wɛn/ /hæz/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /driːmz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

she always tells me.

/ʃiː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /miː/

But this time...

/bʌt/ /taɪm/

Sounds like you had a crazy dream.

/laɪk/ /juː/ /hæd/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /driːm/

What was it about?

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/ /əˈbaʊt/

And then her face turned...

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /hɜːr/ /feɪs/

vermilion.

Just... you and me...

/dʒʌst/ /juː/ /ænd/ /miː/

gettin' it on, monogamously.

/ɪt/ /ɒn/

Monoga-me-oh-my.

Not the rose quartz of the slightly embarrassed,

/roʊz/ /ˈslaɪtli/ /ɪmˈbærəst/

or the tomato red of the mildly abashed,

/təˈmeɪtoʊ/ /rɛd/

vermilion, the color of carnal shame.

/ˈkʌlər/ /ʃeɪm/

Can only mean one thing:

/kæn/ /ˈoʊnli/ /miːn/ /θɪŋ/

Lily dream-banged someone we know.

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /wiː/ /noʊ/

Okay, you caught me vermilion-handed.

/juː/ /miː/

The truth is, I've spent the last five years

/truːθ/ /ɪz/ /læst/ /faɪv/

trying to inception your wife.

/jʊr/ /waɪf/

That movie only came out two years ago.

/ðæt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ˈoʊnli/ /aʊt/ /tuː/ /əˈɡoʊ/

What movie?

/wɒt/ /ˈmuːvi/

You know who I bet it is?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /huː/ /bɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

Robin. Robin.

Already checked.

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Lily and I paid her a visit

/ænd/ /hɜːr/ /ˈvɪz.ɪt/

at the new World Wide News headquarters.

/njuː/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/

And I'm so excited, because I've been trying months

/ænd/ /ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

to get this reservation.

/ɡɛt/

Can you hold on just one second?

/kæn/ /juː/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

What the hell are you doing?!

/wɒt/ /juː/

Nothing.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Nice photo. Oh.

/naɪs/ /ˈfoʊtoʊ/

Your passport must be enormous.

/jʊr/ /ˈpæspɔːrt/ /mʌst/ /biː/

(chuckles) Ugh.

/ʌɡ/

You know, for the record, I didn't want this.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /fɔːr/ /rɪˈkɔːrd/ /wɒnt/

Didn't want it, did not approve it.

/wɒnt/ /ɪt/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/

It's super embarrassing.

/ˈsuːpər/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

Hey, Merle.

So, uh, do you guys want to come up and see my desk?

/duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɒnt/ /kʌm/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /siː/ /maɪ/ /dɛsk/

Yeah, why not?

/waɪ/

Come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

I.D.?

Oh. Um, that is me.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /miː/

Ma'am, with all due respect,

/wɪð/ /ɔːl/ /rɪˈspɛkt/

you're a wee bit older than that hottie.

/ˈoʊldər/ /ðæn/ /ðæt/

For God sakes.

/fɔːr/

You know, here I am, on national TV every day,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /hɪr/ /ɒn/ /ˈnæʃənl/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /deɪ/

and still a guy who spends his whole life sitting next to

/ænd/ /ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /hɪz/ /hoʊl/ /laɪf/ /nɛkst/

a giant picture of me has no idea who I am.

/ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /miː/ /hæz/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /huː/

This isn't my whole life; I'm in a band.

/maɪ/ /hoʊl/ /laɪf/ /bænd/

And we're gonna make it.

/ænd/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/

And, kids, they did make it.

/ænd/ /kɪdz/ /ðeɪ/ /dɪd/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/

But I'll get to that later.

/bʌt/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ˈleɪtər/

You know what, I'm probably not going to get to that later.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ˈleɪtər/

They had one song, it didn't suck, the end.

/ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /sɒŋ/ /ɪt/ /ɛnd/

You always said it wasn't about being famous.

/juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /sɛd/ /ɪt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈfeɪməs/

You just want to do solid journalism, right?

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /duː/ /raɪt/

Yeah, well...

/wɛl/

Of course I want to be famous!

/kɔːrs/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /ˈfeɪməs/

In Canada, I was Robin Sparkles.

/ˈkænədə/ /wɒz/

I was a cabinhold name.

/wɒz/ /neɪm/

But here?

/bʌt/ /hɪr/

Don't need to see your I.D., Merle.

/niːd/ /siː/ /jʊr/

Everyone knows who you are.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /huː/ /juː/

You're Merle.

He was in one skit in the Christmas party!

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /ˈpɑːrti/

Uh, by the way, how is Ted doing?

/weɪ/ /haʊ/ /ɪz/

Kids, you remember what happened.

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

I declared my love, she turned me down,

/maɪ/ /lʌv/ /ʃiː/ /miː/ /daʊn/

we both moved out of the apartment, and now...

/wiː/ /boʊθ/ /aʊt/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ænd/ /naʊ/

I haven't talked to him since we... stopped talking.

/hɪm/ /sɪns/ /wiː/

He's pretty good.

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/

Pretty good?

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/

Last night, you ate a box of Froot Loops

/læst/ /naɪt/ /juː/ /eɪt/ /bɒks/

in your tighty whities.

/jʊr/

No, I demolished a box of Froot Loops,

/noʊ/ /bɒks/

fully nude.

Yeah, "pretty good" works.

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/ /wɜːrks/

Hey, Barney.

Hey, Lily.

Do you know what this is about?

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/

Uh-huh.

Do I want to know?

/duː/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/

No, sorry, bro.

/noʊ/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /broʊ/

Damn it!

/ɪt/

Okay, time for my stuff.

/taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /stʌf/

Guys, I was sitting at home last night,

/ɡaɪz/ /wɒz/ /hoʊm/ /læst/ /naɪt/

and all of a sudden, I had a piphany.

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /hæd/

And my piphany was this...

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /wɒz/

Actually, it's, uh, it's "epiphany."

/ˈæktʃuəli/

No, Ted, this is the piphany.

/noʊ/ /ɪz/

And here it is:

/ænd/ /hɪr/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

Make... every... night... legendary.

/meɪk/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /naɪt/

Guys, we've had

/ɡaɪz/ /hæd/

some pretty legendary nights.

/sʌm/ /ˈprɪti/

But we've also had some nights that weren't so legendary.

/bʌt/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /hæd/ /sʌm/ /ðæt/

Lookin' at you, The Night Ted Made Us All Watch Norbit.

/juː/ /naɪt/ /ʌs/ /ɔːl/ /wɒtʃ/

Eddie Murphy as a fat lady; what's the problem?

/fæt/ /ˈleɪdi/ /ˈprɒbləm/

That was Eddie Murphy?

/ðæt/ /wɒz/

The non-legendary nights are done.

/dʌn/

From here on in, every single night of our lives

/hɪr/ /ɒn/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /naɪt/ /aʊər/

will be a night we'll never forget.

/wɪl/ /biː/ /naɪt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /fərˈɡɛt/

Starting tonight.

/təˈnaɪt/

Who's ready for the longest, craziest adventure yet?!

/ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /ədˈvɛntʃər/ /jɛt/

Good.

/ɡʊd/

The weak have been weeded from our herd.

/hæv/ /aʊər/

You ready to rock and roll, Ted?

/juː/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /ænd/ /roʊl/

Yeah, I'm going home, too.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /hoʊm/

I'm sensing some costumes coming up here

/sʌm/ /ʌp/ /hɪr/

and I'd rather steer clear.

/ænd/ /ˈrɑːðər/ /klɪər/

Ted, 20 years from now,

/naʊ/

when you're all alone and I'm President,

/wɛn/ /ɔːl/ /əˈloʊn/ /ænd/

you're not gonna remember

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/

sitting around your apartment doing nothing.

/əˈraʊnd/ /jʊr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

What you will remember is that tonight,

/wɒt/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /təˈnaɪt/

this night...

/naɪt/

was The Night We Started a Mariachi Band!

/wɒz/ /naɪt/ /wiː/ /bænd/

Uno, dos, tres, quatro! Uno, dos, tres, quatro! (1, 2, 3 ,3)

Okay, you were right.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/

Memorable night.

/naɪt/

That was nothing compared to mañana, amigo.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Because mañana is gonna be...

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪz/ /biː/

The Night We Ate Everything on the Menu!

/naɪt/ /wiː/ /eɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ˈmɛnjuː/

A really memorable night.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /naɪt/

But tomorrow night...

/bʌt/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /naɪt/

Is The Night We Brought a Horse into the Bar!

/ɪz/ /naɪt/ /wiː/ /hɔːrs/ /bɑːr/

Okay, but tomorrow...

/bʌt/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Is The Night We Bungee Jump off the Statue of Liberty!

/ɪz/ /naɪt/ /wiː/ /dʒʌmp/ /ɒf/

Nope. Ko

That night was the night of Aunt Lily

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /wɒz/ /naɪt/ /ænt/

and Uncle Marshall's fancy dinner.

/ænd/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Complete with a fancy limo ride.

/kəmˈpliːt/ /wɪð/ /raɪd/

Surprise!

/sərˈpraɪz/

Hello!

Hi, Ranjit.

No. Ko.

/noʊ/

Should I take the West Side Highway?

/ʃʊd/ /teɪk/ /wɛst/ /saɪd/

Why not, Ranjit?

/waɪ/

Don't you always just take whatever you want,

/juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /teɪk/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

regardless of anything but your own

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/

dirty, sick, twisted appetites?

/ˈdɜːrti/ /sɪk/

I'll stay on Broadway.

/steɪ/ /ɒn/

I.D.?

For God's sakes, open your...

/fɔːr/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /jʊr/

Yeah, that's about right.

/əˈbaʊt/ /raɪt/

I.D.?

Robin had finally learned the lesson

/hæd/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /lɜːrnd/ /ˈlɛs.ən/

that nobody gets famous overnight.

/ðæt/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈfeɪməs/

But here's the crazy part:

/bʌt/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /pɑːrt/

that night, she got famous.

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /ʃiː/ /ˈfeɪməs/

Robin, there you are.

/ðɛr/ /juː/

Sandy Rivers! Sandy Rivers!

Star of the show.

/stɑːr/ /ʃoʊ/

What it is, my man. Yeah.

/wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /mæn/

Robin, I've got something big for you,

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /bɪɡ/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

something huge.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /hjuːdʒ/

And I want you on it.

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

Sandy, you were in the harassment video.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/

You were great in that, by the way.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /ɡreɪt/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

Thanks, holmes.

And I like the way

/ænd/ /laɪk/ /weɪ/

your filthy little mind works, Robin, but this is real.

/jʊr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /maɪnd/ /wɜːrks/ /bʌt/ /ɪz/ /riːl/

Big story's breaking.

/bɪɡ/

Are you afraid of helicopters?

/juː/ /əˈfreɪd/

I love helicopters.

/lʌv/

What am I covering, a war? Better!

/wɒt/ /wɔːr/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

World Wide News brings you the world.

/wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/ /brɪŋz/ /juː/ /wɜːrld/

And now Robin Scherbatsky with traffic.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /wɪð/ /ˈtræfɪk/

You don't want to go bungee jumping, fine.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /faɪn/

Tonight's The Night We Stole a Mummy

/naɪt/ /wiː/ /stoʊl/

from the Natural History Museum!

/ˈnætʃ.ər.əl/ /ˈhɪstəri/ /mjuˈziːəm/

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

/ðæt/

Then get out your MetroCard, Ted, because tonight's

/ðɛn/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

The Night We Partied with the Mole People!

/naɪt/ /wiː/ /wɪð/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

Barney, I have a Stouffer's lasagna for one in the freezer

/hæv/ /fɔːr/

that is going to be unforgettable.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/

I have a Sanford and Son on my DVR

/hæv/ /ænd/ /sʌn/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/

that I will take with me to my grave.

/ðæt/ /wɪl/ /teɪk/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /maɪ/

I don't need tonight to be any more memorable than that.

/niːd/ /təˈnaɪt/ /biː/ /ˈɛn.i/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ðæt/

Okay, Sanford and Son does sound good.

/ænd/ /sʌn/ /dʌz/ /saʊnd/ /ɡʊd/

But if I could just present a counter argument...

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /kʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈprɛz.ənt/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/

You're locked out, dummy!

/aʊt/

Damn it! Barney!

/ɪt/

Give me your phone; I'm calling my super.

/ɡɪv/ /miː/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /ˈsuːpər/

The only person we're calling is everyone we know,

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /wiː/ /noʊ/

because tonight's The Night We Tracked Down Phil Collins,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /naɪt/ /wiː/ /daʊn/

Became Best Friends with Him, and Talked Him into Reuniting

/bɛst/ /frɛndz/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/ /ænd/ /hɪm/

with Peter Gabriel, So Then We Got to Sing Backup

/wɪð/ /ðɛn/ /wiː/ /sɪŋ/

On The New Genesis Album and It Was Awesome!

/ɒn/ /njuː/ /ˈælbəm/ /ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Fine, I'll use the phone at the bar.

/faɪn/ /juːz/ /foʊn/ /bɑːr/

Ranjit, would you please put up the partition?

/wʊd/ /juː/ /pliːz/ /pʊt/ /ʌp/

Partition going up.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ʌp/

You had a sex dream about Ranjit!

/juː/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /driːm/ /əˈbaʊt/

Hello. Hello.

Ranjit! Ranjit!

Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Okay, yes, I did,

/dɪd/

but it didn't mean anything.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /miːn/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Okay, well, what happened in this dream?

/wɛl/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /driːm/

And I want to know everything.

/ænd/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Every explicit detail.

/ˈɛv.ri/

Don't leave out any...

/liːv/ /aʊt/ /ˈɛn.i/

Damn it, Ranjit!

/ɪt/

Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Marshall, it was a dream.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /driːm/

Yeah, well, dreams are just stuff

/wɛl/ /driːmz/ /dʒʌst/ /stʌf/

that you subconsciously want to happen.

/ðæt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈhæpən/

Why do you think I'm constantly dreaming

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

about Bigfoot playing quarterback for the Vikings?

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /fɔːr/

Because you fall asleep looking at a painting of it.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /fɔːl/ /əˈsliːp/ /ˈpeɪntɪŋ/ /ɪt/

It soothes me.

/ɪt/ /miː/

Don't try to change the subject.

/traɪ/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈsʌbdʒɪkt/

You sleep-cheated.

/juː/

You've been sleep-sleeping around,

/əˈraʊnd/

and I'm sick of it.

/ænd/ /sɪk/ /ɪt/

You know, I have half a mind

/juː/ /noʊ/ /hæv/ /hæf/ /maɪnd/

to get out and let you eat all by yourself.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /iːt/ /ɔːl/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

Should I pull over?

/ʃʊd/ /pʊl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Damn it, Ranjit!

/ɪt/

Yes, Ranjit. Pull over.

/pʊl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Pulling over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

You watch, Ted.

/juː/ /wɒtʃ/

Tonight is going to be legen--

/təˈnaɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/

it's the night we stole a camel...

/naɪt/ /wiː/ /stoʊl/

...which means it'll be full of drama-- dary.

/wɪtʃ/ /biː/ /fʊl/ /ˈdrɑːmə/

Dromedary!

I applaud your wordplay, but your core premise is flawed.

/jʊr/ /bʌt/ /jʊr/ /ɪz/

Every night can't be legendary.

/ˈɛv.ri/ /naɪt/ /biː/

If all nights are legendary, no nights are legendary.

/ɪf/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/

See, Ted, that attitude right there,

/siː/ /ðæt/ /ˈætɪtjuːd/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/

that's why I'm in the lead.

/waɪ/ /liːd/

What do you mean, in the lead?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/ /liːd/

I'm talking about the game of life, Ted.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ɡeɪm/ /laɪf/

Scoreboard.

/ˈskɔːrbɔːrd/

Better wardrobe: 75 points.

/ˈbɛt.ər/ /ˈwɔːrdroʊb/ /pɔɪnts/

Apartment on a higher floor: 90 points.

/əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ɒn/ /flɔːr/ /pɔɪnts/

Longer name: 110 points.

/ˈlɒŋɡər/ /neɪm/ /pɔɪnts/

Sorry. Did you just make up this point system?

/ˈsɒr.i/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/ /pɔɪnt/ /ˈsɪstəm/

Made up the point system: 114 points.

/ʌp/ /pɔɪnt/ /ˈsɪstəm/ /pɔɪnts/

And ten points to you for pointing that out.

/ænd/ /tɛn/ /pɔɪnts/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /aʊt/

Nice job, Ted.

/naɪs/ /dʒɒb/

15 points to me for being gracious enough

/pɔɪnts/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /ɪˈnʌf/

to give you those ten points.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ðoʊz/ /tɛn/ /pɔɪnts/

But here's the point, Ted.

/bʌt/ /pɔɪnt/

Every time I go out

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/

and have an awesome night

/ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /naɪt/

and you're not there,

/ænd/ /ðɛr/

that's another 100 points in my column.

/əˈnʌðər/ /pɔɪnts/ /maɪ/

So yeah, I'm in the lead.

/liːd/

Barney, the fact that I can stay home for a night

/fækt/ /ðæt/ /kæn/ /steɪ/ /hoʊm/ /fɔːr/ /naɪt/

shows that I have inner peace

/ʃoʊz/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /piːs/

and that I don't feel the need to keep score.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /fiːl/ /niːd/ /kiːp/ /skɔːr/

That's worth like 1,000 points right there,

/wɜːrθ/ /laɪk/ /pɔɪnts/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/

so at the very least, we're tied.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /liːst/

We're so not tied.

Although you know what is tied--

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/

the strap of my girlfriend's bikini.

/maɪ/

Except when it's not, 'cause she's a stripper.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /wɛn/ /kɔːz/

One million points! Game.

/ˈmɪljən/ /pɔɪnts/ /ɡeɪm/

Shh.

It's over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

It's done. It's done.

/dʌn/ /dʌn/

So what do you do?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /duː/

You're kidding, right?

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /raɪt/

I... I'm an on-air reporter.

/rɪˈpɔːtər/

I just did a report like five minutes ago.

/dʒʌst/ /dɪd/ /rɪˈpɔːrt/ /laɪk/ /faɪv/ /əˈɡoʊ/

You sound frustrated.

/juː/ /saʊnd/

Yeah, I am.

I'm busting my ass, and as usual, no recognition.

/maɪ/ /ænd/ /noʊ/

Robin, I've been doing this a while,

/waɪl/

and if there's one thing I've learned, it's flarm.

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /θɪŋ/ /lɜːrnd/

What? Flarm.

/wɒt/

Flarm, flarm, flarm. Flarm, flarm, flarm.

Blobbum. Blobbum.

What is wrong with you?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Are you having a stroke?

/juː/ /ˈhævɪŋ/

As a matter of fact, he was.

/ˈmætər/ /fækt/ /hiː/ /wɒz/

Oh! Hold on! Wait!

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /weɪt/

Meanwhile, Lily was in

/wɒz/

desperate need of a female friend.

/niːd/ /ˈfiːmeɪl/ /frɛnd/

Lily, I have seen this a million times.

/hæv/ /ˈmɪljən/ /taɪmz/

Guys go crazy when there's a baby on the way.

/ɡaɪz/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /wɛn/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ɒn/ /weɪ/

You should have seen the manager when his wife got pregnant.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /ˈmænɪdʒər/ /wɛn/ /hɪz/ /waɪf/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

After the second trimester, he made her stop stripping.

/ˈæf.tər/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /hiː/ /hɜːr/ /stɒp/

Yeah, you're right.

/raɪt/

Now I feel bad.

/naʊ/ /fiːl/ /bæd/

Our big dinner's been ruined.

/aʊər/ /bɪɡ/

Marshall's probably crying right now.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I had no idea that food could be this delicious.

/hæd/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ðæt/ /fuːd/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/

Marshall, you are being crazy.

/juː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

No, no, I can handle it.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /kæn/ /ˈhændl/ /ɪt/

If I sell my laptop,

/ɪf/ /sɛl/ /maɪ/ /ˈlæptɒp/

we can get seconds on those squash blossoms.

/wiː/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /ðoʊz/

I mean about Lily.

/miːn/ /əˈbaʊt/

Well, you know, she's being crazy, too.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈkreɪzi/

She's pregnant.

/ˈprɛɡnənt/

She gets to be crazy.

/ʃiː/ /ɡɛts/ /biː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

You have to be the sane one.

/juː/ /hæv/ /biː/

So what, I don't get to be crazy again

/wɒt/ /ɡɛt/ /biː/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /əˈɡɛn/

until the baby comes?

/ənˈtɪl/ /ˈbeɪbi/

No. Then it's baby's turn to be crazy.

/noʊ/ /ðɛn/ /tɜːrn/ /biː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

When do I get to be crazy again?

/wɛn/ /duː/ /ɡɛt/ /biː/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /əˈɡɛn/

Never.

/ˈnɛv.ər/

We are totally even.

/wiː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈiːvən/

We absolutely are not even, and here's why.

/wiː/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ˈiːvən/ /ænd/ /waɪ/

I'll grant you that if you include

/juː/ /ðæt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ɪnˈkluːd/

the 12 points for designing the skyscraper,

/pɔɪnts/ /fɔːr/ /dɪˈzaɪnɪŋ/ /ˈskaɪˌskreɪpər/

the 83 points for slapping five with Tommy Lee

/pɔɪnts/ /fɔːr/ /faɪv/ /wɪð/

and the 9,000 points for banging Robin before me,

/ænd/ /pɔɪnts/ /fɔːr/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /miː/

our point totals would be about neck and neck,

/aʊər/ /pɔɪnt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /nɛk/ /ænd/ /nɛk/

but there's one thing you're forgetting.

/bʌt/ /θɪŋ/

The fact that I don't care?

/fækt/ /ðæt/ /kɛr/

No. Ko

/noʊ/

And you just lost five points for sass.

/ænd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /lɒst/ /faɪv/ /pɔɪnts/ /fɔːr/

Do you remember a conversation we had about three years ago?

/duː/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /θriː/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Barney, you're the king.

/kɪŋ/

Nobody picks up chicks like you.

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ʌp/ /tʃɪks/ /laɪk/ /juː/

You're handsome,

debonair,

everything I wish I could be.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /wɪʃ/ /kʊd/ /biː/

I'm starting to think this never happened.

/θɪŋk/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈhæpənd/

Let you finish.

/lɛt/ /juː/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/

You're smooth, charismatic,

"sauve." "sauve."

I think you mean "suave."

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /miːn/

Aha. Aha.

So you do remember.

/juː/ /duː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

But there's one thing

/bʌt/ /θɪŋ/

even a master ladies' man like you could never do,

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈmæstər/ /mæn/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/

and if you could ever do it,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /duː/ /ɪt/

it would be worth 500 points.

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /wɜːrθ/ /pɔɪnts/

You have my attention, my slightly shorter friend.

/juː/ /hæv/ /maɪ/ /maɪ/ /ˈslaɪtli/ /frɛnd/

Here's the challenge.

/ˈtʃælɪndʒ/

Get a girl's phone number while you're wearing a dress.

/ɡɛt/ /foʊn/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /waɪl/ /drɛs/

Challenge...

/ˈtʃælɪndʒ/

Accomplished.

That's right.

/raɪt/

Last year, I slapped on a dress,

/læst/ /jɪr/ /ɒn/ /drɛs/

took a few laps around this very bar,

/tʊk/ /fjuː/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /bɑːr/

and I got this:

/ænd/

the phone number of one Stephanie McColgan.

/foʊn/ /ˈnʌmbər/

Later that night, I took off my pantyhose,

/ˈleɪtər/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/ /tʊk/ /ɒf/ /maɪ/

and gave her panties... my hose.

/ænd/ /ɡeɪv/ /hɜːr/ /maɪ/

That's right, Ted.

/raɪt/

I am 500 points ahead.

/pɔɪnts/

Until you can get a girl's digits

/ənˈtɪl/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/

while wearing a dress, you and I will never be even.

/waɪl/ /drɛs/ /juː/ /ænd/ /wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /biː/ /ˈiːvən/

You know what? The super's probably waiting for me,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

and I just remembered there's a spare key

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /kiː/

under the doormat, so good night. Wait, wait.

/ˈʌndər/ /ɡʊd/ /naɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/

Ted, don't go. Barney, I am leaving.

/ɡoʊ/

I'm afraid this is just one of those nights

/əˈfreɪd/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ðoʊz/

we're probably going to forget.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fərˈɡɛt/

I don't think so, dude. Look.

/θɪŋk/ /lʊk/

If you're just joining us, the World Wide News

/ɪf/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌs/ /wɜːrld/ /waɪd/ /njuːz/

Eye in the Sky traffic chopper is out of control over Manhattan

/aɪ/ /ˈtræfɪk/ /ɪz/ /aʊt/ /kənˈtroʊl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

and being piloted by our own Robin Scherbatsky.

/ænd/ /aʊər/ /oʊn/

This probably won't end well.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /ɛnd/ /wɛl/

Kids, every now and then, New York has a moment

/kɪdz/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /naʊ/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /hæz/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

when every eye in the city is watching the same thing.

/wɛn/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /aɪ/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /ɪz/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /seɪm/ /θɪŋ/

This was one of those moments.

/wɒz/ /ðoʊz/

We all watched breathlessly as the pilot on the ground

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /wɒtʃt/ /ɒn/ /ɡraʊnd/

told her what to do, and against all odds,

/toʊld/ /hɜːr/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /ænd/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /ɔːl/

your Aunt Robin landed that helicopter.

/jʊr/ /ænt/ /ðæt/

I did it.

/dɪd/ /ɪt/

I did it!

/dɪd/ /ɪt/

The pilot survived and made a full recovery.

/ænd/ /fʊl/ /rɪˈkʌvəri/

And Robin?

/ænd/

It's Robin Scherbatsky, everybody!

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/

Thank you so much.

/juː/ /mʌtʃ/

Oh, okay...

Robin got famous.

/ˈfeɪməs/

In the next few days, she would...

/nɛkst/ /fjuː/ /ʃiː/ /wʊd/

meet the mayor,

/miːt/

go on Letterman

/ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/

and even have a deli sandwich named after her.

/ænd/ /ˈiːvən/ /hæv/ /ˈsænwɪtʃ/ /neɪmd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /hɜːr/

But most importantly, that night,

/bʌt/ /moʊst/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

she got a call, text or e-mail

/ʃiː/ /kɔːl/ /tɛkst/

from almost everyone she'd ever met.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Hey, Marshall.

Hey, Lil.

Hey, Barney.

Yes, I know you're dating a stripper.

/noʊ/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Dad.

/dæd/

You proud of your little girl?

/juː/ /praʊd/ /jʊr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡɜːrl/

Okay, I'll keep trying.

/kiːp/

Babe, I think I know why you had

/beɪb/ /θɪŋk/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /hæd/

that sex dream about Ranjit. Why?

/ðæt/ /sɛks/ /driːm/ /əˈbaʊt/ /waɪ/

Think about it.

/θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

The way he talks about his kids.

/weɪ/ /hiː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɪz/ /kɪdz/

He's a wonderful father.

/ˈwʌndərfəl/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

Just like Papa Smurf, Bill Cosby...

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ˈpɑːpə/

George Washington, the father of our country.

/ˈfɑː.ðər/ /aʊər/ /ˈkʌn.tri/

You're attracted to great dads.

/ɡreɪt/

And that's why you love me.

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /miː/

Because I'm going to be the greatest dad ever.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /dæd/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Sure, that must be it.

/ʃʊr/ /ðæt/ /mʌst/ /biː/ /ɪt/

Lily decided not to tell Marshall

/tɛl/

about her dream involving Frankenstein

/əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/ /driːm/

and the tea cup from Beauty and the Beast.

/ænd/ /kʌp/ /ænd/

That one was just for her.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/

Okay, Barney, I got to go.

/ɡoʊ/

What?

/wɒt/

In the middle of

/ˈmɪdəl/

"The Night You Got Locked Out in Your Pajamas

/naɪt/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /jʊr/

"and Robin Landed a Freaking Helicopter

/ænd/

and There's Still Time to Reunite Genesis?"

/ænd/ /taɪm/

Dude, you got your wish.

/juː/ /jʊr/ /wɪʃ/

It's a night we'll always remember.

/naɪt/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

Why can't we just go home?

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/

I can't go home, Ted. Why not?

/ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/ /waɪ/

Because... I'm dating a stripper.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

Yes, I've seen your bus ad.

/jʊr/ /bʌs/

I get it.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

No, you don't.

/noʊ/ /juː/

Every night, between 9:00 p.m. and 4:00 a.m.,

/ˈɛv.ri/ /naɪt/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /ænd/