Season 7 · Tập 22

In May of 2012, Marshall and Lily

/meɪ/ /ænd/

hosted a baby shower in the apartment.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈʃaʊər/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

All their friends were there.

/ɔːl/ /ðɛr/ /frɛndz/ /wɜːr/ /ðɛr/

So of course I made sure to show up exactly...

/kɔːrs/ /ʃʊr/ /ʃoʊ/ /ʌp/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

...three hours late.

/θriː/ /ˈaʊərz/ /leɪt/

- Oh, no! Am I late? - Little bit.

/noʊ/ /leɪt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Ah, I'm sorry, I would've gotten here earlier; it's just, um...

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hɪr/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /dʒʌst/

- You didn't want to see Robin. - I didn't want to see Robin.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /wɒnt/ /siː/

I know, it's childish.

/noʊ/

She's not here, is she?

/hɪr/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/

Actually...

/ˈæktʃuəli/

Oh, no! Am I early?

/noʊ/ /ˈɜːr.li/

Little bit.

/ˈlɪt.əl/

Whoa, she got you the red stroller?

/ʃiː/ /juː/ /rɛd/

Looks like I just blew her out of the water.

/laɪk/ /dʒʌst/ /hɜːr/ /aʊt/ /ˈwɔː.tər/

Ah, I'm really sorry, I...

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsɒr.i/

I just think it's best if Robin and I

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /bɛst/ /ɪf/ /ænd/

don't see each other for a while.

/siː/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /fɔːr/ /waɪl/

Ted, it's fine; I'm a child of divorce.

/faɪn/ /tʃaɪld/ /dɪˈvɔːrs/

You guys keep fighting all you want,

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /kiːp/ /ˈfaɪtɪŋ/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.

/lɔːŋ/ /ɪkˈspɛnsɪv/ /kiːp/

Uh, so how was the shower?

/haʊ/ /wɒz/ /ˈʃaʊər/

It was good,

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/

although there was one weird moment

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

with Barney's new stripper girlfriend.

/wɪð/ /njuː/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

50 laps a day?

/deɪ/

Oh, my goodness, young lady. That is a lot.

/maɪ/ /jʌŋ/ /ˈleɪdi/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /lɒt/

Oh, is it?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/

Is it a lot, Grandma Lois?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /lɒt/ /ˈɡrænmɑː/

Yes, my girlfriend gets naked

/maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /ɡɛts/

and sits on guys' laps for money.

/ænd/ /ɒn/ /ɡaɪz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈmʌn.i/

And, yes, sometimes it's as many as 50 laps in one day.

/ænd/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /deɪ/

And maybe society considers what she does

/ænd/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /dʌz/

to be "disgusting,"

/biː/ /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/

or "slutty,"

or verging on "prostitution,"

/ɒn/

or actual "prostitution."

But you know what, I accept her.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /əkˈsɛpt/ /hɜːr/

And if you can't do the same,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /duː/ /seɪm/

well, then shame on you.

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /ʃeɪm/ /ɒn/ /juː/

Shame...

/ʃeɪm/

on...

/ɒn/

you.

/juː/

We were, um, talking about swimming.

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈswɪmɪŋ/

How I sometimes swim 50 laps a day.

/haʊ/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /swɪm/ /deɪ/

Well, it's great cardio.

/wɛl/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈkɑːrdioʊ/

Lois, can I top off your champagne?

/kæn/ /tɒp/ /ɒf/ /jʊr/ /ʃæmˈpeɪn/

♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x22 ♪ Good Crazy Original Air Date on April 30, 2012

/haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /əˈrɪdʒɪnəl/ /ɛr/ /deɪt/ /ɒn/

You know, it's funny, How I Met Your Mother 7x22

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /haʊ/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

you tell the average guy you're dating a stripper,

/juː/ /tɛl/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

he thinks it's awesome.

/hiː/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Heck, you tell your mom, she high-fives you so fast,

/juː/ /tɛl/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /ʃiː/ /juː/ /fæst/

she doesn't even take off her oven mitts.

/ʃiː/ /ˈiːvən/ /teɪk/ /ɒf/ /hɜːr/ /ˈʌvən/

But if they had any idea

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /ˈɛn.i/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

how difficult it is: the jealousy,

/haʊ/ /ˈdɪfɪkʌlt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

the insecurity,

those high-fives would be high-fives of condolence.

/ðoʊz/ /wʊd/ /biː/

Barney, condolence high-fives are not a thing.

/θɪŋ/

They're a thing.

/θɪŋ/

I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go.

/əˈfreɪd/ /hæv/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/

Up top.

/ʌp/ /tɒp/

Ah, listen to me and my boring couples' problems.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /miː/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɔːrɪŋ/ /ˈkʌpəlz/

How are you?

/haʊ/ /juː/

How's the single life?

/ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /laɪf/

I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing,

/noʊ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

for the time being, I'm laying low.

/fɔːr/ /taɪm/ /loʊ/

Laying low as in

/loʊ/

sleeping with a really short chick?

/ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ʃɔːrt/ /tʃɪk/

You guys doing 39?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/

I mean, I'm not seeing anyone.

/miːn/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

I'm just, you know, trying to get Robin out of my head.

/dʒʌst/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /hɛd/

You need a palate cleanser.

/juː/ /niːd/

Barney, please, don't try to set me up

/pliːz/ /traɪ/ /sɛt/ /miː/ /ʌp/

with Quinn's stripper friends. Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.

/wɪð/ /frɛndz/ /driːm/ /ɪt/

Why not, how many hints do I have to drop?!

/waɪ/ /haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /duː/ /hæv/ /drɒp/

No, I'm thinking of something much more traditional.

/noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /mʌtʃ/ /mɔːr/ /trəˈdɪʃənəl/

Online dating. Yeah, no thanks.

/ˈɒnlaɪn/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /noʊ/

Come on, Ted! It's 2012.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

What do you expect, to meet some cute travel agent

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɪkˈspɛkt/ /miːt/ /sʌm/ /kjuːt/ /ˈtrævəl/

when you're reading a newspaper at a bookstore?

/wɛn/ /ˈriː.dɪŋ/

None of those things exist anymore.

/nʌn/ /ðoʊz/ /θɪŋz/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Barney, I will never, ever,

/wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/

ever, try online dating.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /traɪ/ /ˈɒnlaɪn/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

That night I tried online dating.

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /ˈɒnlaɪn/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

And kids, the first girl

/ænd/ /kɪdz/ /fɜːrst/ /ɡɜːrl/

beautiful, smart, funny, huge fan of prewar architecture,

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /smɑːrt/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /hjuːdʒ/ /fæn/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

favorite poet Neruda, favorite movie Ghostbusters,

/ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /ˈpəʊɪt/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /ˈmuːvi/

and she didn't hate Cleveland.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /heɪt/ /ˈkliːvlənd/

She's perfect.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

So I sent her an email,

/sɛnt/ /hɜːr/

inviting her to mini golf.

/hɜːr/

- Hello. - Mini golf?

Mini golf? Who takes a first date to mini golf?

/huː/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪt/

I'm coming over!

/ˈoʊ.vər/

Oh, Ted-Ted-Ted- Teddy-Ted-Ted.

Who buzzed you in? Oh, Ted-Ted-Ted- Teddy-Ted-Ted.

/huː/ /juː/

Did you really think you could start dating online,

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ˈɒnlaɪn/

and I wouldn't find out?

/ænd/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/

But with thi-this girl, sh-she was...

/bʌt/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɒz/

Me. She was me, Ted.

/miː/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /miː/

The photo was just of some girl I knew you'd never seen before,

/ˈfoʊtoʊ/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /ɡɜːrl/ /njuː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

a very famous sports anchor on ESPN.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈfeɪməs/ /spɔːrts/ /ɒn/

Barney, I don't need you to help me find a girl online.

/niːd/ /juː/ /hɛlp/ /miː/ /faɪnd/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈɒnlaɪn/

Exactly because I've already done it!

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /dʌn/ /ɪt/

Three girls in fact.

/θriː/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /fækt/

I scoured the dating sites

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

using my own personal logarithms,

/maɪ/ /oʊn/ /ˈpɜːrsənl/

factoring in a broad spectrum of variables,

filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives,

/aʊt/

guaranteeing a success rate of 83...

You picked the girls that showed the most boob.

/juː/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ðæt/ /moʊst/

My methods get results.

/maɪ/ /ɡɛt/

Go out with these three girls,

/ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /ðiːz/ /θriː/ /ɡɜːrlz/

and your palate is going to be so cleansed,

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/

you will see your reflection in it.

/juː/ /wɪl/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /ɪt/

And when you do,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /duː/

you can fix the hair, because... Have you seen yourself?

/juː/ /kæn/ /fɪks/ /hɛr/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /hæv/ /juː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

No, but you know what I have seen,

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /hæv/

your stripper girlfriend's cans. Wow.

/jʊr/

Wow. Wow, wow.

That was going way too far, wasn't it? Wow. Wow, wow.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /weɪ/ /fɑːr/ /ɪt/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

My condolences.

/maɪ/

Come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Man, Marshall's really stressing out about this baby.

/mæn/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /aʊt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

He's reading every book,

/ˈriː.dɪŋ/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /bʊk/

watching breast-feeding documentaries.

/ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/

I woke up the other day, he had swaddled me.

/ʌp/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /deɪ/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /miː/

Sure, it was the best night's sleep I had had in months,

/ʃʊr/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /bɛst/ /sliːp/ /hæd/ /hæd/

but still...

/bʌt/

You know what his latest thing is?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /hɪz/ /ˈleɪtɪst/ /θɪŋ/ /ɪz/

What the hell is that?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Marshall, what is that?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

I rigged this alarm to go off every three hours.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɒf/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /θriː/ /ˈaʊərz/

I'm training myself for the

/ˈtreɪnɪŋ/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /fɔːr/

sporadic sleep patterns of early parenthood.

/sliːp/ /ˈɜːr.li/

Now, if you'll excuse me,

/naʊ/ /ɪf/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

I have a practice-baby to soothe.

/hæv/

You got to talk to him.

/juː/ /tɔːk/ /hɪm/

Yeah, I'll talk to him tonight.

/tɔːk/ /hɪm/ /təˈnaɪt/

Maybe tomorrow morning.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

One last swaddle?

/læst/

It's just so cozy.

/dʒʌst/

It's like sleeping in a warm burrito.

/laɪk/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/ /wɔːrm/

Meanwhile, Barney was about to have

/wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hæv/

a stripper's boyfriend's worst nightmare.

/wɜːrst/

Karma?

Oh, my gosh, I didn't recognize you Karma?

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/ /juː/

without your legs behind your head.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /jʊr/ /lɛɡz/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /jʊr/ /hɛd/

Darryl, I didn't recognize you

/juː/

without your creepy trench coat.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /jʊr/ /ˈkriːpi/ /koʊt/

How are you?

/haʊ/ /juː/

Great, you working tomorrow? You know it.

/ɡreɪt/ /juː/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/

Great. I'll be there with bells on.

/ɡreɪt/ /biː/ /ðɛr/ /wɪð/ /ɒn/

And by bells, I mean super thin sweatpants.

/ænd/ /miːn/ /ˈsuːpər/ /θɪn/

Gross.

He's actually a nice guy.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /naɪs/ /ɡaɪ/

She's so busy as deputy mayor,

/ˈbɪzi/

but I always get a card on my birthday.

/bʌt/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɜːrθdeɪ/

Quinn, I love the fact that you're a stripper,

/lʌv/ /fækt/ /ðæt/

but I hate the fact that you're a stripper.

/bʌt/ /heɪt/ /fækt/ /ðæt/

Barney, I like my job.

/laɪk/ /maɪ/ /dʒɒb/

And I do not need to be rescued.

/ænd/ /duː/ /niːd/ /biː/

So, don't be that guy.

/biː/ /ðæt/ /ɡaɪ/

You're right, you're right.

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

I got it. Forget I said anything.

/ɪt/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /sɛd/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Hmm.

I'll see you tonight, Karma. Hmm.

/siː/ /juː/ /təˈnaɪt/

You got it, Dirty Larry.

/juː/ /ɪt/ /ˈdɜːrti/

You have to quit your job!

/juː/ /hæv/ /kwɪt/ /jʊr/ /dʒɒb/

That night, I went out

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /wɛnt/ /aʊt/

with the first girl Barney picked for me.

/wɪð/ /fɜːrst/ /ɡɜːrl/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

There was just one problem.

/ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Your name is Robin?

/jʊr/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

Yeah, with a Y.

/wɪð/

Oh, Yobin.

No, Robin. Yobin.

/noʊ/

I go by ScotchAndGunLover in my online profile, Ko, Robin.

/ɡoʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈɒnlaɪn/

'cause those are my two favorite things.

/kɔːz/ /ðoʊz/ /maɪ/ /tuː/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /θɪŋz/

Well, next to Canada, my home and native land.

/wɛl/ /nɛkst/ /ˈkænədə/ /maɪ/ /hoʊm/ /ænd/ /lænd/

Oh. Canada.

/ˈkænədə/

And just like that, Oh. Canada.

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /ˈkænədə/

Robyn became Robin.

How's it going, Ted?

/ɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Oh, good. Hey, look, mommy's back from the bar!

/ɡʊd/ /lʊk/ /bæk/ /bɑːr/

Now I can finally take a shower.

/naʊ/ /kæn/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /teɪk/ /ˈʃaʊər/

This diaper smells. I don't want to know.

/wɒnt/ /noʊ/

Okay, Marshall,

sit down; we need to talk.

/sɪt/ /daʊn/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/

Look, I know you mean well,

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /miːn/ /wɛl/

but we have five weeks till the due date.

/bʌt/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /faɪv/ /deɪt/

Can't we use this time to just relax?

/wiː/ /juːz/ /taɪm/ /dʒʌst/ /rɪˈlæks/

We'll figure out how all this stuff

/aʊt/ /haʊ/ /ɔːl/ /stʌf/

works after the baby comes.

/wɜːrks/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈbeɪbi/

After the baby comes?

/ˈæf.tər/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Yeah, we'll learn on the job.

/lɜːrn/ /ɒn/ /dʒɒb/

Learn on the j... Huh.

/lɜːrn/ /ɒn/

Wow, you know, Lily,

/juː/ /noʊ/

maybe the crisis here isn't that I'm not ready to be a dad;

/ˈmeɪbi/ /hɪr/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /biː/ /dæd/

maybe it's that you're not ready to be a mom!

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /biː/ /mɒm/

Excuse me?! Yeah.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

With that, an argument began,

/wɪð/ /ðæt/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/

the details of which are still hotly debated to this day.

/wɪtʃ/ /deɪ/

For instance, Uncle Marshall swears he never said:

/fɔːr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /hiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /sɛd/

I'm the only one making sacrifices for this baby!

/ˈoʊnli/ /fɔːr/ /ˈbeɪbi/

What?!

/wɒt/

And he claims he never actually uttered the words:

/ænd/ /hiː/ /hiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /wɜːrdz/

It's like you don't even know that you're pregnant!

/laɪk/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

While Lily insists this part was exaggerated:

/waɪl/ /pɑːrt/ /wɒz/

Baby's are easy; you just

/ˈiː.zi/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/

watch them be cute and feed them spaghetti!

/wɒtʃ/ /ðɛm/ /biː/ /kjuːt/ /ænd/ /fiːd/ /ðɛm/

But everyone agrees this is how the argument ended:

/bʌt/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ɪz/ /haʊ/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/

Marshall, what I need now is some peace, some quiet,

/wɒt/ /niːd/ /naʊ/ /ɪz/ /sʌm/ /piːs/ /sʌm/ /ˈkwaɪɪt/

and now that it's out there, some spaghetti.

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /sʌm/

Now, please help me off the couch so I can storm out.

/naʊ/ /pliːz/ /hɛlp/ /miː/ /ɒf/ /kaʊtʃ/ /kæn/ /stɔːrm/ /aʊt/

Huh!

The next day, I filled Barney in on my date. Huh!

/nɛkst/ /deɪ/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /deɪt/

Oh, Yobin.

No, Robin.

/noʊ/

And for the rest of the night, Ko, Robin.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /rɛst/ /naɪt/

every time I looked at her, I just saw Robin's face.

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /hɜːr/ /dʒʌst/ /sɔː/ /feɪs/

Well, I should hope so. No, our Robin.

/wɛl/ /ʃʊd/ /hoʊp/ /noʊ/ /aʊər/

Robin with an I.

/wɪð/

Uh, our Robin has two eyes, my friend.

/aʊər/ /hæz/ /tuː/ /aɪz/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/

But that's good. You're forgetting what she looks like.

/bʌt/ /ɡʊd/ /wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /laɪk/

I'm sorry, that must have been tough.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ðæt/ /mʌst/ /hæv/

If anyone knows what that feels like, it's me.

/ɪf/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/ /fiːlz/ /laɪk/ /miː/

My condolences.

/maɪ/

Okay. Moving on.

/ɒn/

perfect palate cleanser.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

Nothing like Robin.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /laɪk/

How nothing?

/haʊ/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

I gaze out into the world and all I see

/aʊt/ /wɜːrld/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/ /siː/

is an icy place where dreams die.

/ɪz/ /pleɪs/ /wɛr/ /driːmz/ /daɪ/

Ooh, lasagna.

How's it going, Ted? Lasagna.

/ɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

What? No. What? Wh-Why?

/wɒt/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Remember, I made lasagna that one time.

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

That's all it takes?

/ɔːl/ /ɪt/

It wasn't even lasagna; you took your botched kugle

/ɪt/ /ˈiːvən/ /juː/ /tʊk/ /jʊr/

and poured tomato sauce on it.

/ænd/ /təˈmeɪtoʊ/ /sɔːs/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/

I didn't say it was good lasagna.

/seɪ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡʊd/

By the way, what are you doing with this girl?

/weɪ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/

With tattoos all up and down her arms and...

/wɪð/ /ɔːl/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /daʊn/ /hɜːr/ /ɑːrmz/ /ænd/

everywhere else. Hello... good gravy.

/ˈɛvriwɛr/ /ɛls/ /ɡʊd/

Does that dragons tail go all the way down to her...

/dʌz/ /ðæt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /daʊn/ /hɜːr/

Ohh, yes, it does.

/ɪt/ /dʌz/

Well, what do you want me to do, Robin?

/wɛl/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /duː/

I have to get over you somehow,

/hæv/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /juː/

and if this is what it takes...

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/

Are you okay?

/juː/

Yeah. Why?

/waɪ/

You kind of spaced out there.

/juː/ /kaɪnd/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Weirdo.

"So, in summation,

I'm very, very sorry."

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

"I guess I just wanted you all to myself,

/ɡɛs/ /dʒʌst/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

"and then I thought of all the creepy guys groping at your...

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /θɔːt/ /ɔːl/ /ˈkriːpi/ /ɡaɪz/ /jʊr/

"Okay, I'm getting mad again,

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /mæd/ /əˈɡɛn/

"so I'm going to stop writing now.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /stɒp/ /ˈraɪtɪŋ/ /naʊ/

Please enjoy these chocolates, may contain peanuts."

/pliːz/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /ðiːz/ /meɪ/

Kiss and make up?

/kɪs/ /ænd/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/

Have sex up against the window and make up? -

/hæv/ /sɛks/ /ʌp/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/ /ænd/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/

You do have a great view.

/juː/ /duː/ /hæv/ /ɡreɪt/

Well, funny you should mention that.

/wɛl/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /ˈmɛnʃən/ /ðæt/

It's your view.

/jʊr/

Come again for Big Fudge?

/kʌm/ /əˈɡɛn/ /fɔːr/ /bɪɡ/

Congratulations. You're hired.

/kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/ /haɪərd/

You are Goliath National Bank's

/juː/ /ˈnæʃənl/

newest executive strategy coordinator.

/ˈstræt̬ɪdʒi/

What is an executive strategy coordinator?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈstræt̬ɪdʒi/

It's three corporate-sounding words

/θriː/ /wɜːrdz/

which, when added together, equal a fake job

/wɪtʃ/ /wɛn/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /ˈiːkwəl/ /feɪk/ /dʒɒb/

for which you get a real paycheck

/fɔːr/ /wɪtʃ/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /riːl/

in the amount of exactly what you'd make stripping.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /meɪk/

Plus dental. You're welcs.

/plʌs/ /ˈdɛntəl/

Now, about that up-against-the-window sex...

/naʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/ /sɛks/

Dude, I don't want to work for a bank.

/wɒnt/ /wɜːrk/ /fɔːr/ /bæŋk/

Why not?

/waɪ/

Because I have standards. Sao ko?

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /hæv/

You people are whores.

/juː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

The things you're willing to do just for some money,

/θɪŋz/ /duː/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /sʌm/ /ˈmʌn.i/

it's shameful.

You work in a strip club.

/juː/ /wɜːrk/ /klʌb/

Yeah, and I like it.

/ænd/ /laɪk/ /ɪt/

And I'm good at it.

/ænd/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪt/

Barney,

if I took this job, you would own me. Barney,

/ɪf/ /tʊk/ /dʒɒb/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /oʊn/ /miː/

I would be willingly stepping into a cage,

/wʊd/ /biː/

which is something I don't do.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /duː/

Except on Thursdays, when it's cage night at the Lusty Leopard,

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /ɒn/ /wɛn/ /naɪt/

but that's a cardboard cage,

/bʌt/

and I can get out of it any time I want.

/ænd/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛn.i/ /taɪm/ /wɒnt/

You can?

/juː/ /kæn/

Wow, thanks for ruining cage night.

/fɔːr/ /naɪt/

- Come on, Quinn. - No.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /noʊ/

I wouldn't... Nope.

Don't.

I think I have some thinking to do.

/θɪŋk/ /hæv/ /sʌm/ /duː/

I...

Mr. Stinson? Anh...

Does this mean I get to keep my job?

/dʌz/ /miːn/ /ɡɛt/ /kiːp/ /maɪ/ /dʒɒb/

Yeah, Herm, you can stay.

/juː/ /kæn/ /steɪ/

Hey, baby, listen.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈlɪs.ən/

I'm-I'm sorry I flipped out.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /aʊt/

Oh, that's okay.

To be fair, maybe I'm at fault Ko sao

/biː/ /fɛr/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /fɔːlt/

for loving our child too much,

/fɔːr/ /ˈlʌvɪŋ/ /aʊər/ /tʃaɪld/ /mʌtʃ/

although that is the definition of parenting, so...

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

All right, good make up.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɡʊd/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/

Hey, listen, I went online,

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /wɛnt/ /ˈɒnlaɪn/

and I found this Baby Boot Camp thing

/ænd/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /θɪŋ/

that they're doing at a hotel in Paramus this weekend.

/ðæt/ /hoʊˈtɛl/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

Baby Boot Camp?

/ˈbeɪbi/

That sounds great.

/ðæt/ /ɡreɪt/

Yeah, it's a two-day event...

/ɪˈvɛnt/

We're going.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

...and there's lots of seminars and classes.

/ænd/ /ænd/

You've already made the sale.

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Anyway, I signed us up. You've already made the sale.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /saɪnd/ /ʌs/ /ʌp/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Not even listening anymore; mentally packing.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈlɪsənɪŋ/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/ /ˈpækɪŋ/

I'm trying to figure out the best way to get to Paramus

/aʊt/ /bɛst/ /weɪ/ /ɡɛt/

without hitting any tolls.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /ˈɛn.i/

This is gonna be great.

/ɪz/ /biː/ /ɡreɪt/

And that was the last time

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /læst/ /taɪm/

I'll ever go out with a guy with a mustache.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /ɡaɪ/ /wɪð/

This is good.

/ɪz/ /ɡʊd/

This is nice, not thinking about you-know-who.

/ɪz/ /naɪs/ /əˈbaʊt/

Just having a good time

/dʒʌst/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/ /taɪm/

and thanking God I didn't grow that mustache.

/ænd/ /ɡroʊ/ /ðæt/

And you,

/ænd/ /juː/

you're so polite.

/pəˈlaɪt/

My ex-fiancé, Wayne, he had no manners.

/maɪ/ /hiː/ /hæd/ /noʊ/

Wayne had no manners.

/hæd/ /noʊ/

Wayne... manners...

Wayne Manor, home of Bruce Wayne, Wayne... manners...

/hoʊm/

better known as Batman,

/ˈbɛt.ər/

mentor to Dick Grayson, his orphan ward

/ˈmɛntɔːr/ /hɪz/

who at night would don the colorful vestments

/huː/ /naɪt/ /wʊd/

of the Boy Wonder, aka...

/bɔɪ/ /ˈwʌndər/

Robin.

Holy long walk for a short drink of water, Ted. Robin.

/lɔːŋ/ /wɔːk/ /fɔːr/ /ʃɔːrt/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈwɔː.tər/

Stop this.

/stɒp/

I need you out of my life for real.

/niːd/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /fɔːr/ /riːl/

- You don't mean that. - Yes, I do.

/juː/ /miːn/ /ðæt/ /duː/

No, you don't.

/noʊ/ /juː/

Look how much is changing right now. Ko

/lʊk/ /haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /ɪz/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Marshall and Lily are having a baby.

/ænd/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Barney's shacking up with a girl.

/ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/

With your whole world

/wɪð/ /jʊr/ /hoʊl/ /wɜːrld/

turning upside down,

/daʊn/

isn't a friendship like this one

/ˈfrɛndʃɪp/ /laɪk/

something you want to hold on to as tightly as possible?

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

And every time I look at you, it hurts.

/ænd/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /lʊk/ /juː/ /ɪt/ /hɜːrts/

...and that's the story of my only lesbian experience.

/ænd/ /ˈstɔːri/ /maɪ/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɪkˈspɪəriəns/

I'm sorry

/ˈsɒr.i/

for going into so much detail.

/fɔːr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /mʌtʃ/

I'll never tell that story again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /tɛl/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/ /əˈɡɛn/

Anyway, how's your meal?

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /jʊr/ /miːl/

Holly, listen, I should probably tell you,

/ˈhɒli/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /ʃʊd/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /tɛl/ /juː/

um, I'm kind of getting over someone right now.

/kaɪnd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I am so glad you said that.

/ɡlæd/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/

I guess I'm still getting over Wayne.

/ɡɛs/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

It's been really hard.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɑːrd/

Can I interest you in some sorbet?

/kæn/ /juː/ /sʌm/

You two look like you could both use a palate cleanser.

/juː/ /tuː/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /boʊθ/ /juːz/

How's your palate, Ted?

/jʊr/

Pretty cleansed.

/ˈprɪti/

You know, at this seminar,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈsɛmɪnɑːr/

there's gonna be the one guy who's, like,

/biː/ /ɡaɪ/ /laɪk/

Mr. Parenting Expert, keeps interrupting the speakers

/ˈɛkspɜːrt/

with his own "important facts."

/wɪð/ /hɪz/ /oʊn/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

And you're gonna be sitting right next to him,

/ænd/ /biː/ /raɪt/ /nɛkst/ /hɪm/

so get ready for that.

/ɡɛt/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

Baby, you've been a little sleep deprived lately.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /sliːp/

Why don't you let me drive?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /draɪv/

You know what, that's not such a bad idea.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /sʌtʃ/ /bæd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

I mean, the last thing we want

/miːn/ /læst/ /θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /wɒnt/

is for me to get behind the wheel and just...

/ɪz/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /wiːl/ /ænd/ /dʒʌst/

Oh, baby, you smell good.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /smɛl/ /ɡʊd/

When we get to that hotel,

/wɛn/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /hoʊˈtɛl/

I'm gonna wear your pregnant belly like a hat.

/wɛr/ /jʊr/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/ /laɪk/ /hæt/

You'll have to buy me

/hæv/ /baɪ/ /miː/

a couple of cocktails first.

/ˈkʌpəl/ /fɜːrst/

Bar-Barney!

Where are we? Bar-Barney!

/wɛr/ /wiː/

Atlantic City, baby!

/ˈsɪt.i/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Well, in 14 miles.

/wɛl/ /maɪlz/

What the hell is going on?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

And where is Lily?

/ænd/ /wɛr/ /ɪz/

And what did you do to the practice baby?

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/ /ˈbeɪbi/

And is there any left?

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /lɛft/

Lily was worried about you.

/wɒz/ /ˈwʌrid/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

She thought you needed to unwind, so...

/ʃiː/ /θɔːt/ /juː/

I mean, the last thing we want is for me to

/miːn/ /læst/ /θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /wɒnt/ /ɪz/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

get behind the wheel and just...

/ɡɛt/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /wiːl/ /ænd/ /dʒʌst/

She made reservations for two deluxe rooms,

/ʃiː/ /fɔːr/ /tuː/

massages, and dinner at the Palm,

/ænd/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

and in return, I made her cookies.

/ænd/ /rɪˈtɜːrn/ /hɜːr/ /ˈkʊkiz/

So, there's no Baby Boot Camp at the Paramus Waldorf?

/noʊ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Is there even a Paramus Waldorf?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈiːvən/

Bro...

/broʊ/

I am so mad at Lily right now.

/mæd/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

She knew you would be; that's why she packed this.

/ʃiː/ /njuː/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /waɪ/ /ʃiː/

Aw.

My mad-at-Lily shirt. Aw.

/maɪ/ /ʃɜːrt/

I had this made for me

/hæd/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

and my high school girlfriend, Steph.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

In reality, "Marshall and Steph 4-eva"

/ænd/

turned out to be

/aʊt/ /biː/

"Marshall and Steph for two days

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /tuː/

until Steph's boyfriend got out of juvie a week early."

/ənˈtɪl/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /aʊt/ /wiːk/ /ˈɜːr.li/

Drives Lily crazy when I wear it.

/ˈkreɪzi/ /wɛn/ /wɛr/ /ɪt/

I hope she's miserable without me.

/hoʊp/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /miː/

Hey, Ted, how's tricks?

Tricks are pretty good, Lou.

/ˈprɪti/ /ɡʊd/

Had some girl trouble earlier in the week, but, uh,

/hæd/ /sʌm/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈtrʌbəl/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /wiːk/ /bʌt/

I got a feeling from here on out, things are gonna be A...

/ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /hɪr/ /ɒn/ /aʊt/ /θɪŋz/ /biː/

O-Oh, you son of a bitch.

/juː/ /sʌn/

Hello.

Lily's right.

/raɪt/

I've been acting crazy.

/ˈæktɪŋ/ /ˈkreɪzi/

No, it's okay, bro.

/noʊ/ /broʊ/

I mean, yeah, you've been a little crazy,

/miːn/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈkreɪzi/

but it comes from love.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /lʌv/

It's the same kind of crazy that makes a man

/seɪm/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ðæt/ /mæn/

offer his stripper girlfriend over half a million dollars

/ˈɒfər/ /hɪz/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hæf/ /ˈmɪljən/

of government bailout money,

/ˈɡʌvərnmənt/ /ˈmʌn.i/

not to rub up on other guys' junk.

/ʌp/ /ɒn/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ɡaɪz/

It's good crazy.

/ɡʊd/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I hope Lily's okay. Okay,

/hoʊp/

you know, that's it, bro.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /broʊ/

We're both turning off our phones for one hour.

/boʊθ/ /ɒf/ /aʊər/ /fɔːr/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

Motion denied.

/ˈmoʊʃən/

Okay, you leave me no choice.

/juː/ /liːv/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /tʃɔɪs/

you give me one hour of phone-free bro time,

/juː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ˈaʊ.ər/ /broʊ/ /taɪm/

during which we, and by we I mean you,

/ˈdʊərɪŋ/ /wɪtʃ/ /wiː/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /miːn/ /juː/

get magnificently, mythologically drunk.

/ɡɛt/ /drʌŋk/

I'm talking needing-subtitles- when-you-speak drunk.

/drʌŋk/

If you can give me that,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ðæt/

I will wear this.

/wɪl/ /wɛr/

The ducky tie?

/taɪ/

I thought you threw that thing away.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈweɪ/

I did.

/dɪd/

It came back.

/ɪt/ /bæk/

All right, Barney,

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

you got yourself a deal.

/juː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /diːl/

Um, excuse me, miss.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /mɪs/

Um, when you get a chance,

/wɛn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /tʃæns/

could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila, please?

/kʊd/ /juː/ /brɪŋ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈhʌndrəd/ /ʃɒts/ /pliːz/

I'll have the same.

/hæv/ /seɪm/

Why are you still here?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Why do you think I'm still here?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /hɪr/

I guess because I'm in love with you.

/ɡɛs/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /lʌv/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look?

/waɪ/ /ɛls/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /jʊr/ /feɪs/ /ˈɛvriwɛr/ /lʊk/

Because you feel bad.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /bæd/

Of course I feel bad.

/kɔːrs/ /fiːl/ /bæd/

I told you I love you,

/toʊld/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /juː/

which is apparently the worst thing you can say to someone.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrst/ /θɪŋ/ /juː/ /kæn/ /seɪ/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

That's not why you feel bad.

/waɪ/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /bæd/

You feel bad because after you said it,

/juː/ /fiːl/ /bæd/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈæf.tər/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /ɪt/

you let me go away.

/juː/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈweɪ/

I know our relationship

/noʊ/ /aʊər/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

isn't exactly what you want it to be,

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɪt/ /biː/

and I know I may not love you

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /meɪ/ /lʌv/ /juː/

the way you love me, but I do love you.

/weɪ/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /miː/ /bʌt/ /duː/ /lʌv/ /juː/

Isn't that worth hanging on to?

/ðæt/ /wɜːrθ/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /ɒn/

I miss you.

/mɪs/ /juː/

So go get me back.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /miː/ /bæk/

Robin?

Ted. Robin?

It's good to really see you. Ted.

/ɡʊd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /siː/ /juː/

It's really good to see you.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡʊd/ /siː/ /juː/

Look, I think we need to talk.

/lʊk/ /θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/

Uh, me, too, but now's not a good time.

/miː/ /bʌt/ /ɡʊd/ /taɪm/

Why not? Sao ko?

/waɪ/

I am proud of you, bro.

/praʊd/ /juː/ /broʊ/

You turned off your phone for one hour,

/juː/ /ɒf/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/ /fɔːr/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

and you got so drunk...

/ænd/ /juː/ /drʌŋk/

Exactly.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

Hey,. "Hey, Banrey"

Yes, Marshall?

Well, I don't see why not.

/wɛl/ /siː/ /waɪ/