Season 7 · Tập 5

Kids, in October 2011, your Aunt Robin was in therapy.

/kɪdz/ /jʊr/ /ænt/ /wɒz/ /ˈθɛrəpi/

And against all logic, it was actually going well.

/ænd/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /ɔːl/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɛl/

But why?

/bʌt/ /waɪ/

Why-why am I constantly looking for reasons not to be happy?

/fɔːr/ /ˈriːzənz/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/

Maybe because the idea of finally being happy...

/ˈmeɪbi/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /ˈhæp.i/

terrifies you.

/juː/

Bro, you are killing it today.

/broʊ/ /juː/ /ˈkɪlɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /təˈdeɪ/

Pshh! Pshh!

We got something good here.

/wiː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/ /hɪr/

We are totes gonna conquer my fear of abandonment!

/wiː/ /maɪ/ /fɪər/

I can't see you anymore.

/siː/ /juː/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Nice.

/naɪs/

"Oh, no! You're abandoning me!"

/noʊ/ /miː/

Oh, no. You're abandoning me?

/noʊ/ /miː/

I'm sorry. I'm moving to Alaska.

/ˈsɒr.i/

And that might have been the end of it.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /maɪt/ /hæv/ /ɛnd/ /ɪt/

But a week later...

/bʌt/ /wiːk/ /ˈleɪtər/

Kevin?! Kevin?!

What are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Okay, look, I lied to you about moving to Alaska.

/lʊk/ /laɪd/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

I-I had to stop seeing you.

/hæd/ /stɒp/ /juː/

Why?

/waɪ/

'Cause I think you're cute.

/kɔːz/ /θɪŋk/ /kjuːt/

And ethically, I can't be your therapist

/ænd/ /biː/ /jʊr/

if I'm attracted to you.

/ɪf/ /juː/

Oh, I get it. You dump me as a patient

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /dʌmp/ /miː/ /ˈpeɪʃənt/

just so you can ask me out?

/dʒʌst/ /juː/ /kæn/ /æsk/ /miː/ /aʊt/

I'm not gonna ask you out.

/æsk/ /juː/ /aʊt/

You're not?

No. We met in therapy.

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /ˈθɛrəpi/

It's inappropriate for me to date a patient.

/fɔːr/ /miː/ /deɪt/ /ˈpeɪʃənt/

Anyway, it was nice seeing you.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /naɪs/ /juː/

Hey, wait.

/weɪt/

How do you define "date"?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /deɪt/

Two people having a meal together,

/tuː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /miːl/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

sitting across the table

/əˈkrɒs/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

making googly eyes at each other...

/aɪz/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

What about two people eating alone, sitting side by side,

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /tuː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /əˈloʊn/ /saɪd/ /saɪd/

making googly eyes at the coffee maker?

/aɪz/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

Okay, it's not a date.

/deɪt/

Exactly. Not a date.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /deɪt/

And so Robin and Kevin had breakfast alone,

/ænd/ /ænd/ /hæd/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /əˈloʊn/

side by side every day that week.

/saɪd/ /saɪd/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /deɪ/ /ðæt/ /wiːk/

Until finally...

/ənˈtɪl/ /ˈfaɪnəli/

Oh, hey!

Sorry. No cabs.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /noʊ/

Ran 40 blocks all the way here.

/ræn/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /hɪr/

May have knocked an old lady

/meɪ/ /hæv/ /oʊld/ /ˈleɪdi/

into the street, don't know, I didn't look back.

/striːt/ /noʊ/ /lʊk/ /bæk/

Let's just go on a real date.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /riːl/ /deɪt/

Yeah, that might be a good idea.

/ðæt/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /ɡʊd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Finally!

/ˈfaɪnəli/

Oh, I can't wait to see that movie.

/weɪt/ /siː/ /ðæt/ /ˈmuːvi/

Is it good?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ɡʊd/

Awesome. Wait, totally hypothetically,

/ˈɔːsəm/ /weɪt/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

do you like movies with a shocking twist where all

/duː/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /wɪð/ /wɛr/ /ɔːl/

the main characters die at the end?

/daɪ/ /ɛnd/

Yes.

You will love this movie.

/juː/ /wɪl/ /lʌv/ /ˈmuːvi/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

Hey, Marshall. What's up?

/ʌp/

Well, I'll tell you what's up.

/wɛl/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ʌp/

You know how my boss, Garrison Cootes, is,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /maɪ/ /bɔːs/ /ɪz/

like, the most famous environmental lawyer

/laɪk/ /moʊst/ /ˈfeɪməs/ /ɪnˌvaɪrənˈmɛntəl/ /ˈlɔːjər/

in the world?

/wɜːrld/

Yeah...

I mean, it's him or the other guy.

/miːn/ /hɪm/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ɡaɪ/

Sir Anthony Howel?

/sɜːr/

Yeah...

Anyway, he's an important guy, okay?

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /ɡaɪ/

And so today at work,

/ænd/ /təˈdeɪ/ /wɜːrk/

I was trying to show him that I'm tough.

/wɒz/ /ʃoʊ/ /hɪm/ /ðæt/

I've been thinking about this

/əˈbaʊt/

settlement offer we're about

/ˈɒfər/ /əˈbaʊt/

to get from Gruber Pharmaceuticals.

/ɡɛt/

If it's anything less than $20 million,

/ɪf/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /lɛs/ /ðæn/ /ˈmɪljən/

then I'm gonna grab

/ðɛn/ /ɡræb/

those corporate Earth rapists by their...

/ðoʊz/ /ɜːrθ/ /ðɛr/

Okay, I'm just gonna say something.

/dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

I'm growing a child in my belly,

/ˈɡroʊɪŋ/ /tʃaɪld/ /maɪ/

a child that just developed ears.

/tʃaɪld/ /ðæt/ /dʒʌst/

This is a very thin sweater.

/ɪz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /θɪn/

So please, if you must tell your story...

/pliːz/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /mʌst/ /tɛl/ /jʊr/ /ˈstɔːri/

just make it cheerful.

/dʒʌst/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/

Cheerful.

Okay...

Then I'm gonna grab those corporate...

/ðɛn/ /ɡræb/ /ðoʊz/

employees...

by their sweaty, dangling...

/ðɛr/

hands...

/hændz/

and squeeze until those greedy sons of...

/ænd/ /ənˈtɪl/ /ðoʊz/

parents... realize that I'm the baddest mother...

/ˈpɛərənts/ /ðæt/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

nature lover around.

/əˈraʊnd/

It's like watching The Breakfast Club on TBS.

/laɪk/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /klʌb/ /ɒn/

So what did he say?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /hiː/ /seɪ/

Marshall, bend down so I can put my arm around you.

/daʊn/ /kæn/ /pʊt/ /maɪ/ /əˈraʊnd/ /juː/

That's all the way down. That's good.

/ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /daʊn/ /ɡʊd/

Gruber Pharmaceuticals is a company full

/ɪz/ /ˈkʌmpəni/ /fʊl/

of well-meaning people doing their jobs,

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /ðɛr/

just like you and me.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /juː/ /ænd/ /miː/

Guys, I'm afraid that Garrison Cootes has gone soft!

/ɡaɪz/ /əˈfreɪd/ /ðæt/ /hæz/ /ɡɔːn/ /sɒft/

He's like a teddy bear!

/laɪk/ /ˈtɛdi/ /bɛr/

A teddy bear or an Ewok?

/ˈtɛdi/ /bɛr/

You know, cute and cuddly around the village,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /kjuːt/ /ænd/ /əˈraʊnd/

but once the battle starts...

/bʌt/ /wʌns/

He'll smash in your metal skull with giant swinging logs.

/jʊr/ /wɪð/

Marshall! Marshall!

Okay, he'll hug you

/hʌɡ/ /juː/

until you agree to peaceably shut down the Death Star.

/ənˈtɪl/ /juː/ /əˈɡriː/ /ʃʌt/ /daʊn/ /dɛθ/ /stɑːr/

Hi, sweetie.

/ˈswiːti/

Hey.

What are we all talking about?

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/

Ewoks. Ewok.

Ugh, I hate the Ewoks.

/ʌɡ/ /heɪt/

The only good thing about Ewoks in that movie?

/ˈoʊnli/ /ɡʊd/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/ /ˈmuːvi/

You got to see some of them die.

/juː/ /siː/ /sʌm/ /ðɛm/ /daɪ/

Well, I fancy a pint.

/wɛl/

Nora hates Ewoks.

/heɪts/

Well, I have to break up with her.

/wɛl/ /hæv/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Be gentle when you tell her, guys.

/biː/ /ˈdʒɛntl/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /hɜːr/ /ɡaɪz/

I'll call you from Vegas. Tell me how it went. Okay.

/kɔːl/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /haʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɛnt/

Okay, Barney! Okay, Barney!

Sit down!

/sɪt/ /daʊn/

Not liking Ewoks

is no reason not to date somebody.

/ɪz/ /noʊ/ /ˈriːzən/ /deɪt/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/

Yeah, I mean, who knows what the rules are, ya know?

/miːn/ /huː/ /wɒt/ /noʊ/

I mean, you're dating a girl who doesn't like Ewoks,

/miːn/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /huː/ /laɪk/

I'm dating my former therapist.

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /maɪ/

- Oh! - Eww!

We are gentlemen of Harvard!

/wiː/

It's not a big deal!

/bɪɡ/ /diːl/

Robin, if you asked a hundred people,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈhʌndrəd/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

"Who's the worst person you could possibly date?"

/wɜːrst/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /deɪt/

they'd all say, "Your therapist."

/ɔːl/ /seɪ/ /jʊr/

Except the ones saying "Barney."

/ɪkˈsɛpt/

Hey! Yeah, that tracks.

/ðæt/

Well, I should get going.

/wɛl/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

I got the big field trip tomorrow.

/bɪɡ/ /fiːld/ /trɪp/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Field trip?

/fiːld/ /trɪp/

Yeah. I'm taking

my Intro to Architecture class

/maɪ/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/ /klæs/

to the GNB Tower construction site.

/saɪt/

I'm trying to get them interested

/ɡɛt/ /ðɛm/ /ˈɪntrəstɪd/

in architecture as a career.

/ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/ /kəˈrɪr/

Why? Are we running out of buildings?

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /aʊt/

Are we running out of boring people?

/wiː/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /ˈbɔːrɪŋ/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

Guys, this is a big deal, okay?

/ɡaɪz/ /ɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/

If I can get just one kid interested in

/ɪf/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/ /dʒʌst/ /kɪd/ /ˈɪntrəstɪd/

becoming an architect...

/ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there.

/dʒʌst/ /stɒp/ /juː/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/

Ted, it's an Intro class.

/klæs/

Yeah, don't try to Stand and Deliver

/traɪ/ /stænd/ /ænd/ /dɪˈlɪvər/

an Intro class.

/klæs/

Nobody takes an Intro class to get on any other path

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /klæs/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈʌð.ər/

but the path to not being hungover anymore.

/bʌt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

I learned that in my Intro to something-ology class.

/lɜːrnd/ /ðæt/ /maɪ/ /klæs/

Well that's fine for something-ology,

/wɛl/ /faɪn/ /fɔːr/

but tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. sharp

/bʌt/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ʃɑːrp/

Intro to Architecture is going on a field trip!

/ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /fiːld/ /trɪp/

All 200 of 'em.

/ɔːl/

Well, it's 9:45.

/wɛl/

I guess the other 170 of you got lost,

/ɡɛs/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /juː/ /lɒst/

so we'll just start.

/dʒʌst/ /stɑːrt/

Now, some might say you guys are just taking this class

/naʊ/ /sʌm/ /maɪt/ /seɪ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /klæs/

because it's easy or because you've confused architecture

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈiː.zi/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /kənˈfjuːzd/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

with archaeology and think we're gonna do

/wɪð/ /ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /duː/

some cool Indiana Jones stuff today.

/sʌm/ /kuːl/ /stʌf/ /təˈdeɪ/

But I think that...

/bʌt/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/

I think just maybe, we got some future architects in the house.

/θɪŋk/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /wiː/ /sʌm/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/ /haʊs/

Show of hands: who's thinking about a career in architecture?

/ʃoʊ/ /hændz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /kəˈrɪr/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

Well, today, all that's gonna change.

/wɛl/ /təˈdeɪ/ /ɔːl/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

Follow me.

/ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /miː/

Hey. Uh, sorry,

/ˈsɒr.i/

nobody gets in here without a site pass.

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ɡɛts/ /hɪr/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /saɪt/ /pæs/

It's okay, I'm Ted Mosby, the architect of this building.

/ˈɑːrkɪtekt/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

I don't care if you're the archaeologist of this building.

/kɛr/ /ɪf/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

Site's closed.

/kloʊzd/

Moving on!

/ɒn/

That morning, Marshall's firm

/ðæt/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

was getting the settlement offer

/wɒz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈɒfər/

from Gruber Pharmaceuticals, and Marshall couldn't wait

/ænd/ /weɪt/

to see the teddy bear turn into an Ewok.

/siː/ /ˈtɛdi/ /bɛr/ /tɜːrn/

Gruber Pharmaceuticals dumped toxic waste into Frog Creek,

/dʌmpt/ /ˈtɒksɪk/ /weɪst/

a tributary of the Trout River that feeds into Clearwater Lake.

/ðæt/ /leɪk/

All three of which now need new names.

/ɔːl/ /θriː/ /wɪtʃ/ /naʊ/ /niːd/ /njuː/

So it's time to win one for Mother Earth.

/taɪm/ /wɪn/ /fɔːr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /ɜːrθ/

Let's take out the trash, shall we?!

/teɪk/ /aʊt/ /træʃ/ /ʃæl/ /wiː/

- Yes! - All right, everyone grab a bag.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ɡræb/ /bæɡ/

Blue is recycling, green, compost.

/bluː/ /ɪz/ /ˌriːˈsaɪklɪŋ/ /ɡriːn/

There we go.

/ðɛr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Sheila... Sheila...

we're ready to hear your offer.

/ˈrɛd.i/ /hɪr/ /jʊr/ /ˈɒfər/

$24,000?

Yeah , that seems reasonable.

/ðæt/ /ˈriːzənəbl/

Kids, I was wandering the city

/kɪdz/ /wɒz/ /ˈsɪt.i/

with 25 Intro to Architecture students

/wɪð/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/ /ˈstjuːdənts/

when your Uncle Barney came to my rescue.

/wɛn/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /maɪ/

Okay, guys, seeing a building get built, not that exciting.

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/ /bɪlt/ /ðæt/ /ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ/

What's really exciting is the financial side of...

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /saɪd/

Sit down, Ted, I got this.

/sɪt/ /daʊn/

Hey, Weird Beard, lights!

/laɪts/

College... it's a confusing time.

/ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ /taɪm/

Oh, no.

/noʊ/

Studies show that 83% of all college students

/ʃoʊ/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ /ˈstjuːdənts/

desperately need...

/niːd/

sex lessons!

/sɛks/

Lights!

/laɪts/

Barney, these are 18-year-olds!

/ðiːz/

Ted, these are 18-year-olds!

/ðiːz/

You have a girlfriend.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/

But she doesn't like Ewoks!

/bʌt/ /ʃiː/ /laɪk/

So what?

/wɒt/

So what?! Bieber, lights!

/wɒt/ /laɪts/

In 1983, George Lucas introduced the world to the Ewoks,

/wɜːrld/

a race of creatures indigenous to the second moon of Endor.

/reɪs/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

Now, the Ewoks have a rich back-story

/naʊ/ /hæv/ /rɪtʃ/

that the movie didn't really go into.

/ðæt/ /ˈmuːvi/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡoʊ/

Barney, why don't you just skip

/waɪ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /skɪp/

to the part about you and Nora?

/pɑːrt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /ænd/

Fine.

/faɪn/

Ah, yes.

Ultimately, Ewoks split Star Wars fandom into two camps:

/splɪt/ /stɑːr/ /tuː/

those born before, and those born after May 25, 1973:

/ðoʊz/ /bɔːrn/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ænd/ /ðoʊz/ /bɔːrn/ /ˈæf.tər/ /meɪ/

the Ewok Line.

/laɪn/

Anyone born on this side of the Ewok Line was

/ˈɛniwʌn/ /bɔːrn/ /ɒn/ /saɪd/ /laɪn/ /wɒz/

at least ten years old when Jedi came out,

/liːst/ /tɛn/ /oʊld/ /wɛn/ /aʊt/

and thus too old for something so cloying and cute.

/ænd/ /oʊld/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ænd/ /kjuːt/

Anyone born on this side loved the Ewoks because, why?

/ˈɛniwʌn/ /bɔːrn/ /ɒn/ /saɪd/ /lʌvd/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /waɪ/

They reminded you of...

/ðeɪ/ /juː/

Our teddies?

/aʊər/

They reminded you of your teddies.

/ðeɪ/ /juː/ /jʊr/

Thank you, Gina.

/juː/

How do you know her name?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /hɜːr/ /neɪm/

And so... by the immutable laws of the Ewok Line,

/ænd/ /laɪn/

my 29-year-old girlfriend who hates Ewoks

/maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /huː/ /heɪts/

must in fact be no younger than... 37.

/mʌst/ /fækt/ /biː/ /noʊ/ /ðæn/

That's only a year younger than Will's mom.

/ˈoʊnli/ /jɪr/ /ðæn/ /mɒm/

How do you know my mom? Class dismissed!

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /klæs/

I need to be alone.

/niːd/ /biː/ /əˈloʊn/

All right, we're moving on.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɒn/

Ooh, can I come?

/kæn/ /kʌm/

Hey, baby. Sao em.

/ˈbeɪbi/

Hey, I just want to remind you we have Dr. Sonya at 4:00.

/dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /rɪˈmaɪnd/ /juː/ /wiː/ /hæv/

I'll be there. I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm bummed.

/biː/ /ðɛr/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /dʒʌst/

We got our settlement offer today:

/wiː/ /aʊər/ /ˈɒfər/ /təˈdeɪ/

$24,000 from a billion-dollar company.

/ˈkʌmpəni/

Wow. I take it people aren't happy about that.

/teɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈhæp.i/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

We won! Champagne and cake for everybody!

/wiː/ /wʌn/ /ʃæmˈpeɪn/ /ænd/ /keɪk/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/

They're celebrating.

I mean, it's crazy.

/miːn/ /ˈkreɪzi/

We have no right to be eating cake.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /raɪt/ /biː/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /keɪk/

There's cake?! I'm on my way!

/keɪk/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/

Meanwhile, the worst field trip of all time was still trucking.

/wɜːrst/ /fiːld/ /trɪp/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/

All right, this, this is exciting, okay?

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ/

This is the very room

/ɪz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ruːm/

where I had the idea for the GNB Tower.

/wɛr/ /hæd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /fɔːr/

Now, Webster's defines "inspiration" as...

/naʊ/

Hold on. It's still loading.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Uh, hey, roomie.

Robin! Hey, what are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Well, I was about to get my swerve on.

/wɛl/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /ɒn/

You were?

/juː/ /wɜːr/

So you're the therapist.

You know, it's one thing to pretend to be a shrink

/juː/ /noʊ/ /θɪŋ/ /biː/

and bang your patients. That's normal.

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /ˈnɔːrməl/

But to do it for real? A little creepy, bro.

/bʌt/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /riːl/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈkriːpi/ /broʊ/

Okay, it's not creepy.

/ˈkriːpi/

Ehhhh... it's creepy.

/ˈkriːpi/

Class, show of hands:

/klæs/ /ʃoʊ/ /hændz/

Who thinks it's creepy to date your therapist?

/huː/ /ˈkriːpi/ /deɪt/ /jʊr/

- Pollstered. - Get out!

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/

All right. We're moving on!

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɒn/

So, class, to your left,

/klæs/ /jʊr/ /lɛft/

you will see some excellent examples of

/juː/ /wɪl/ /siː/ /sʌm/ /ˈɛksələnt/

what we'd call windows.

/wɒt/ /kɔːl/

So where are we going now?

/wɛr/ /wiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /naʊ/

I have no idea.

/hæv/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

This is a disaster.

/ɪz/ /dɪˈzæstər/

Some of them are already starting to go home.

/sʌm/ /ðɛm/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/

Although we seem to have picked up a German family.

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /wiː/ /siːm/ /hæv/ /ʌp/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

/weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

That thing with Robin and her creepy therapist

/ðæt/ /θɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /ænd/ /hɜːr/ /ˈkriːpi/

gave me an idea.

/ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Ted, we have here a way

/wiː/ /hæv/ /hɪr/ /weɪ/

to solve every single debate we've ever had!

/sɒlv/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /hæd/

I mean, just look at the sample:

/miːn/ /dʒʌst/ /lʊk/

guys, girls, blacks, Asians, a German family.

/ɡaɪz/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

You can't pay for that kind of focus group!

/juː/ /peɪ/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈfoʊkəs/ /ɡruːp/

Is macaroni salad really a salad?

/ɪz/ /ˈsæləd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsæləd/

Hands up if you say "no."

/hændz/ /ʌp/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /noʊ/

Ha! Ha!

Jacob or Edward? Jacob hay Edward?

/heɪ/

Who says Edward?

/huː/

Ha, ha. See? I told you.

/siː/ /toʊld/ /juː/

It's Edward James Olmos.

Would you rather have sex with a dead human being

/wʊd/ /juː/ /ˈrɑːðər/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /wɪð/ /dɛd/ /ˈhjuːmən/

or a live an...? Dude.

/lɪv/

What? Find the line.

/wɒt/ /faɪnd/ /laɪn/

Who thinks David Hasselhoff is awesome?

/huː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Hmm. It's true.

/truː/

Okay. I've got one. If you're dating a girl,

/ɪf/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /ɡɜːrl/

and she lies about her age,

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/ /eɪdʒ/

who says break up with her?

/huː/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Yes, yes, but what if the person she's lying to

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /ɪf/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/

is notoriously shallow about age?

/ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /eɪdʒ/

Okay, but what if early in our relationship,

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /ɪf/ /ˈɜːr.li/ /aʊər/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

she made a really big deal

/ʃiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/

about wanting to not lie to each other?

/əˈbaʊt/ /laɪ/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

What if she's hot?

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /hɒt/

Who wants five bucks?

/huː/ /faɪv/

Pollstered!

Let's do this.

/duː/

Hmm? Yeah. Hmm? Yeah.

Mm... Mm...

Okay, this is creepy.

/ɪz/ /ˈkriːpi/

It's Crispin Glover creepy.

/ˈkriːpi/

You were my patient.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈpeɪʃənt/

You shared intimate stuff.

/juː/ /ˈɪntɪmɪt/ /stʌf/

It would be like dating your gynecologist.

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /laɪk/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /jʊr/

You were vulnerable.

/juː/ /wɜːr/

That's not something we can move past.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /muːv/ /pæst/

Guess not.

/ɡɛs/

So, dating your gyno, that's bad, too?

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /bæd/

Oh, Robin.

Kidding!

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/

Look, we've got another one!

/lʊk/ /əˈnʌðər/

Come on, have a bite.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /hæv/ /baɪt/

No, it's a matter of principle.

/noʊ/ /ˈmætər/

I don't care how good it is,

/kɛr/ /haʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

I'm not gonna have a third piece of cake!

/hæv/ /piːs/ /keɪk/

Okay, guys, you all had a lot of fun today,

/ɡaɪz/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /hæd/ /lɒt/ /fʌn/ /təˈdeɪ/

but now it's time... to have even more fun!

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /taɪm/ /hæv/ /ˈiːvən/ /mɔːr/ /fʌn/

Another cake!

/əˈnʌðər/ /keɪk/

Another cake?!

/əˈnʌðər/ /keɪk/

What is the matter with you people?!

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈmætər/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

That settlement today was a flaming pile of...

/ðæt/ /təˈdeɪ/ /wɒz/

puppies...

that aren't on fire!

/ðæt/ /ɒn/ /faɪər/

Look at what's happening to the environment,

/lʊk/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/ /ɪnˈvaɪrənmənt/

and we're here doing the limbo?

/ænd/ /hɪr/

I mean, we should be ashamed of ourselves!

/miːn/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/

Sir, all I meant was...

/sɜːr/ /ɔːl/ /wɒz/

Ten years from right now,

/tɛn/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

everyone outside in that bullpen will be dead.

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /ðæt/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /dɛd/

What? Sao?

/wɒt/

I've seen the latest research, Marsh.

/ˈleɪtɪst/ /ˈriːsɜːrtʃ/

You know how I'm always saying

/juː/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

it's not too late to save the planet?

/leɪt/ /seɪv/ /ˈplænɪt/

It's too late to save the planet.

/leɪt/ /seɪv/ /ˈplænɪt/

There's nothing to do but sit back

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /duː/ /bʌt/ /sɪt/ /bæk/

and await our inevitable doom.

/ænd/ /aʊər/

Oh, my goodness, a piñata!

/maɪ/

Just give me one minute, Larry.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Thank you.

/juː/

Our grotesque, inevitable doom!

/aʊər/

Now, of course, you can't go around

/naʊ/ /kɔːrs/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /əˈraʊnd/

telling all the people

/ɔːl/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

that the good ship Environmentalism

/ðæt/ /ɡʊd/

has sailed off into the sunset.

/hæz/ /ɒf/

There would cause a panic.

/ðɛr/ /wʊd/ /kɔːz/

So, instead, what we do is,

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /duː/ /ɪz/

we come to work, we put on a happy face,

/wiː/ /kʌm/ /wɜːrk/ /wiː/ /pʊt/ /ɒn/ /ˈhæp.i/ /feɪs/

and we sue the big guys

/ænd/ /wiː/ /bɪɡ/ /ɡaɪz/

for just enough money for some cake

/fɔːr/ /dʒʌst/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /ˈmʌn.i/ /fɔːr/ /sʌm/ /keɪk/

before the unfiltered rays of the sun fry us like chalupas,

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /sʌn/ /fraɪ/ /ʌs/ /laɪk/

and our lungs fill up with salt water,

/ænd/ /aʊər/ /fɪl/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /sɔːlt/ /ˈwɔː.tər/

and we all die!

/ænd/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /daɪ/

Mmm. This cake is delicious. Everything's fine.

/keɪk/ /ɪz/ /dɪˈlɪʃəs/ /faɪn/

Ugh, this day sucks.

/ʌɡ/ /deɪ/

Kevin and I are kaputski.

/ænd/

You think that's bad?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /bæd/

The world is coming to an end.

/wɜːrld/ /ɪz/ /ɛnd/

You think that's bad?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /bæd/

My girlfriend is 37!

/maɪ/ /ˈɡɜːrlfrɛnd/ /ɪz/

And my field trip is not going as well as I'd hoped.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /fiːld/ /trɪp/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɛl/

Hmm. Hmm.

This day sucks.

/deɪ/

Professor Mosby, is the field trip over?

/prəˈfɛsər/ /ɪz/ /fiːld/ /trɪp/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

We'd like to go home.

/laɪk/ /ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/

Yeah, it's over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

Auf wiedersehen. Auf wiedersehen.

I just wanted to inspire them,

/dʒʌst/ /ðɛm/

you know, like my professors inspired me.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /laɪk/ /maɪ/ /miː/

But here we are, at the end of the day...

/bʌt/ /hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɛnd/ /deɪ/

Hey, class, quick question.

/klæs/ /kwɪk/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

Uh, is anyone here thinking of becoming an architect?

/ɪz/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /hɪr/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Yeah, dude. I mean,

/miːn/

all jobs suck,

/ɔːl/

but it's 4:00 in the afternoon,

/bʌt/ /ˌæftərˈnuːn/

and you're out at a bar with your friends,

/ænd/ /aʊt/ /bɑːr/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /frɛndz/

so the hours can't be that bad.

/ˈaʊərz/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /bæd/

So...

yeah, I don't know, I'd think about it.

/noʊ/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

I got through to you. Oh!

/θruː/ /juː/

I mean, that is, if becoming a deejay doesn't pan out.

/miːn/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɪf/ /aʊt/

You are gonna be a great architect.

/juː/ /biː/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

He became a deejay.

/hiː/

Robin, what are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

I told you I can't be your therapist.

/toʊld/ /juː/ /biː/ /jʊr/

I know.

/noʊ/

Today, I am your therapist.

/təˈdeɪ/ /jʊr/

What?

/wɒt/

You said yourself,

/juː/ /sɛd/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

I'm always looking for reasons not to be happy.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈriːzənz/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/

Well, I'm trying to change that.

/wɛl/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /ðæt/

So, if the only reason we can't be together

/ɪf/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈriːzən/ /wiː/ /biː/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

is because I was in a vulnerable place

/ɪz/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /wɒz/ /pleɪs/

for the first two hours we knew each other

/fɔːr/ /fɜːrst/ /tuː/ /ˈaʊərz/ /wiː/ /njuː/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

then that is two hours of vulnerability you owe me.

/ðɛn/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /tuː/ /ˈaʊərz/ /juː/ /miː/

Sit down.

/sɪt/ /daʊn/

Okay. Okay.

Okay, but I must warn you, as a professional, I'm immune to...

/bʌt/ /mʌst/ /wɔːrn/ /juː/ /prəˈfɛʃənl/

Tell me about your mother.

/tɛl/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

Everything she says is a manipulation!

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/

When I was seven years old...

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈsɛvən/ /oʊld/

Mr. Cootes.

- Hey. - Listen, I've been thinking

/ˈlɪs.ən/

a lot about what you said yesterday,

/lɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /ˈjɛs.tər.deɪ/

about how we're all gonna die.

/əˈbaʊt/ /haʊ/ /ɔːl/ /daɪ/

Oh, I'm not gonna die.

/daɪ/

I bought an old mine shaft in Colorado.

/bɔːt/ /oʊld/ /maɪn/

I've spent the last six months filling it with canned goods,

/læst/ /sɪks/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/

assault rifles and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.

/əˈsɔːlt/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/ /faɪv/ /naɪt/ /laɪts/

Okay, first of all, you can skip season two.

/fɜːrst/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /kæn/ /skɪp/ /tuː/

Second of all, after our talk...

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ɔːl/ /ˈæf.tər/ /aʊər/ /tɔːk/

I came pretty close to giving up myself.

/ˈprɪti/ /kloʊs/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

But then I went to the doctor with my wife...

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /wɛnt/ /ˈdɒktər/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/

and...

/ænd/

I saw this.

/sɔː/

Boy or girl?

/bɔɪ/ /ɡɜːrl/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

But I know I sure as hell can't give up now.

/bʌt/ /noʊ/ /ʃʊr/ /ɡɪv/ /ʌp/ /naʊ/

So, if you're just looking for someone

/ɪf/ /dʒʌst/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

to hold the other end of the limbo stick,

/hoʊld/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ɛnd/ /stɪk/

you got the wrong guy for the job, and you know why?

/juː/ /rɒŋ/ /ɡaɪ/ /fɔːr/ /dʒɒb/ /ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/

'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office?

/kɔːz/ /θriː/ /fiːt/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ˈɒfɪs/

No. Because if I am gonna work here,

/noʊ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪf/ /wɜːrk/ /hɪr/

then first thing tomorrow morning,

/ðɛn/ /fɜːrst/ /θɪŋ/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

I'm walking down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals,

/daʊn/

and I'm rejecting their offer.

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɒfər/

Even if I have to do it myself.

/ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /hæv/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

Listen, I want you to know... I know.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /wɒnt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Know what?

/noʊ/ /wɒt/

Nora. Nora.

Barney. Barney.

Nora. Nora.

Just say what you're gonna say!

/dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /wɒt/ /seɪ/

I know you're old!

/noʊ/ /oʊld/

And I've been struggling with it,

/ænd/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

but when I look at you...

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /lʊk/ /juː/

I don't care, because I really like you.

/kɛr/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /laɪk/ /juː/

And because for 37, you are keeping it toit!

/ænd/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ɪt/

You think I'm 37?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/

Well, if you were really 29,

/wɛl/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

then you would have been a little kid

/ðɛn/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /kɪd/

the first time you saw the Ewoks and you would have loved them.

/fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /sɔː/ /ænd/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /lʌvd/ /ðɛm/

Barney, I didn't see any of the Star Wars

/siː/ /ˈɛn.i/ /stɑːr/

movies until last year.

/ənˈtɪl/ /læst/ /jɪr/

You... you're 29!

/juː/

You still have one good year left.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ɡʊd/ /jɪr/ /lɛft/

- What? - Nothing.

/wɒt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Mm... Mm...

But Naveen's the neurosurgeon,

/bʌt/

so of course he gets all the attention!

/kɔːrs/ /hiː/ /ɡɛts/ /ɔːl/

Oh, Naveen is so smart,

/ɪz/ /smɑːrt/

he operates on people's brains!

/hiː/ /ɒn/

Well, guess what, Mom?!

/wɛl/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/ /mɒm/

I treat the human mind!

/triːt/ /ˈhjuːmən/ /maɪnd/

Our time is up.

/aʊər/ /taɪm/ /ɪz/ /ʌp/

I don't think this is gonna work.

/θɪŋk/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrk/

I scared you off, didn't I?

/skɛrd/ /juː/ /ɒf/

No, I mean, I don't think I can be your therapist.

/noʊ/ /miːn/ /θɪŋk/ /kæn/ /biː/ /jʊr/

You're really cute.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /kjuːt/

The next day,

/nɛkst/ /deɪ/

Marshall returned to Gruber Pharmaceuticals alone.

/əˈloʊn/

I mean, you admit that you polluted the lake.

/miːn/ /juː/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /leɪk/

We got the evidence.

/wiː/ /ˈɛvɪdəns/

We got the charts.

/wiː/ /tʃɑːrts/

The fish...

/fɪʃ/

Fish, huh?

/fɪʃ/

Fish are weird.

/fɪʃ/

You ever think about the names of fish?

/juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /fɪʃ/

I mean, come on.

/miːn/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

Carp.

Garrison, what a nice surprise.

/wɒt/ /naɪs/ /sərˈpraɪz/

Your star apprentice was just, uh...

/jʊr/ /stɑːr/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/

"Floundering."