Season 8 · Tập 12

Kids, in late 2012, I received a very important text message.

/kɪdz/ /leɪt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /tɛkst/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/

Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin were engaged,

/ˈʌŋkəl/ /ænd/ /ænt/ /wɜːr/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

marking a truly happy time for our little group.

/ˈtruːli/ /ˈhæp.i/ /taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /aʊər/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɡruːp/

The problem was

/ˈprɒbləm/ /wɒz/

one of us was definitely not happy.

/ʌs/ /wɒz/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /ˈhæp.i/

Marvin will not stop crying.

/wɪl/ /stɒp/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/

What do you guys think it is?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /θɪŋk/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

Is he hungry?

/ɪz/ /hiː/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/

Well, that must be it.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /mʌst/ /biː/ /ɪt/

Huh!

Thank you for thinking of that, Ted.

/juː/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/

And here we were just watering him

/ænd/ /hɪr/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /dʒʌst/ /hɪm/

and facing him towards the sunlight.

/ænd/ /hɪm/

Sorry, I haven't slept in...

/ˈsɒr.i/ /slɛpt/

January.

Food going in

/fuːd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

isn't the problem,

/ˈprɒbləm/

it's what's coming out, or not coming out.

/aʊt/ /aʊt/

He hasn't pooped in three days.

/hiː/ /θriː/

Yeah, normally

/ˈnɔːrməli/

I wouldn't wish one of his dirty diapers

/wɪʃ/ /hɪz/ /ˈdɜːrti/

on my worst enemy, but now I kind of miss

/ɒn/ /maɪ/ /wɜːrst/ /bʌt/ /naʊ/ /kaɪnd/ /mɪs/

popping the hood in the morning

/ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

and finding that first big juicy, black...

/ænd/ /ˈfaɪndɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /fɜːrst/ /bɪɡ/ /blæk/

Lily, I'm eating chili.

/ˈiː.tɪŋ/

I'm eating chili, Lily.

/ˈiː.tɪŋ/

Confetti.

Big blast of confetti.

/bɪɡ/

Normally, the kid's a confetti machine.

/ˈnɔːrməli/ /məˈʃiːn/

He's Rip Taylor in a diaper.

I have a feeling

/hæv/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/

at this point, Rip Taylor

/pɔɪnt/

is Rip Taylor in a diaper.

/ɪz/

And with that image, dinner is done.

/ænd/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /ɪz/ /dʌn/

Hey, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

Hey. Well, well, well.

/wɛl/ /wɛl/ /wɛl/

Here comes the bride.

/hɪr/ /braɪd/

Now the annoying part, right?

/naʊ/ /əˈnɔɪɪŋ/ /pɑːrt/ /raɪt/

Planning the wedding?

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/

So not fun, right?

/fʌn/ /raɪt/

I don't know-- I'm kind of looking forward to it.

/noʊ/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈfɔːr.wərd/ /ɪt/

Fine, I'll do it for you.

/faɪn/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

First thing we need to do is set a date.

/fɜːrst/ /θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /duː/ /ɪz/ /sɛt/ /deɪt/

May 25, 2013.

/meɪ/

Thank you, Ted.

/juː/

The ladies are talking.

Actually, that is the date.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /deɪt/

Ted offered to help with the planning a little.

/hɛlp/ /wɪð/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

And, well, uh...

/ænd/ /wɛl/

That's a big binder.

/bɪɡ/

Oh, this?

This is just cakes.

/ɪz/ /dʒʌst/

Anyway, we're having the ceremony

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ˈhævɪŋ/

at that beautiful little church out on Long Island,

/ðæt/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /tʃɜːrtʃ/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

where Victoria almost got married-- lovely spot.

/wɛr/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /ˈmærid/ /ˈlʌvli/ /spɒt/

And then we're gonna have a reception in a big white tent

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /hæv/ /bɪɡ/

on the front lawn of the hotel.

/ɒn/ /hoʊˈtɛl/

Oh, and, uh, the colors are cream

/ænd/ /kriːm/

and lilac.

/ænd/

I will cut you, bitch.

/wɪl/ /kʌt/ /juː/

No, L-L-Lily...

/noʊ/

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm cool, I'm cool.

/kuːl/ /kuːl/

Hey, Robin, where's Barney?

Did he skip town already?

/dɪd/ /hiː/ /skɪp/ /taʊn/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

If so, exactly what time was it?

/ɪf/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/ /ɪt/

It's important for the over/under.

/ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈʌndər/

Barney's fine, it's just... well, earlier this morning...

/faɪn/ /dʒʌst/ /wɛl/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

So, it's been three days since I said yes.

/θriː/ /sɪns/ /sɛd/

True.

/truː/

And your panic attacks are getting

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

shorter and further apart.

/ænd/

I can't do this! I feel like I'm drowning!

/duː/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/

Also true.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /truː/

So I guess we're officially engaged.

/ɡɛs/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

Maybe we should tell our parents.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /tɛl/ /aʊər/ /ˈpɛərənts/

I assume my dad already knows-- you did call him

/maɪ/ /dæd/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /kɔːl/ /hɪm/

and got his permission, right?

/ænd/ /hɪz/ /raɪt/

Yeah, yeah, Robin.

I bought you with an ox and some spices from the East.

/bɔːt/ /juː/ /wɪð/ /ænd/ /sʌm/ /iːst/

Uh, he's gonna put you in a cage.

/pʊt/ /juː/

and send you on horseback to my remote desert camp.

/ænd/ /sɛnd/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/

Okay, Barney... Hold on, I'm not done.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /dʌn/

Where you'll be bathed in perfumes and oils

/wɛr/ /biː/ /ænd/

and delivered to my tent.

/ænd/ /maɪ/

After you perform the traditional

/ˈæf.tər/ /juː/ /pərˈfɔːrm/ /trəˈdɪʃənəl/

Dance of the Seven Veils, we'll adjourn

/dæns/ /ˈsɛvən/

to the tiger skin rug where we'll...

/skɪn/ /rʌɡ/ /wɛr/

Barney... Robin! Barney... Robin!

If we're gonna build a marriage together,

/ɪf/ /bɪld/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

we have got to stop interrupting each other all the time.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /stɒp/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Fine, finish your story.

/faɪn/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /jʊr/ /ˈstɔːri/

Thank you.

/juː/

Where we'll do it.

/wɛr/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Did you ask for my father's permission?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /æsk/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/

No, I did not.

/noʊ/ /dɪd/

So, as some of you know, my dad is a little scary.

/sʌm/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /ɪz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈskɛri/

A little? Dude's a stone cold Slytherin.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /koʊld/

He always looks like he just came from slapping

/hiː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /laɪk/ /hiː/ /dʒʌst/

some guy tied to a chair in a back room.

/sʌm/ /ɡaɪ/ /tʃɛr/ /bæk/ /ruːm/

Anyway, we go get lunch...

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /lʌntʃ/

Look, I know I already told you this,

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /toʊld/ /juː/

but my dad is a scary guy.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /ɪz/ /ˈskɛri/ /ɡaɪ/

Please, I think I can handle...

/pliːz/ /θɪŋk/ /kæn/ /ˈhændl/

Oh, vampire in the daylight, vampire in the daylight!

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

Hello, Robin.

Hello, sir.

/sɜːr/

Put that thing away,

/pʊt/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈweɪ/

Give your old man a hug.

/ɡɪv/ /jʊr/ /oʊld/ /mæn/ /hʌɡ/

And then it got really scary.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈskɛri/

I'm glad you could meet me here

/ɡlæd/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /miːt/ /miː/ /hɪr/

at my favorite restaurant.

/maɪ/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /ˈrɛstərɒnt/

Carol and I come here all the time.

/ænd/ /kʌm/ /hɪr/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

I... you...

/juː/

When... Da... who's Carol?

/wɛn/

Oh, right, you haven't met Carol, um...

/raɪt/ /juː/

Very special woman.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈspɛʃəl/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

48 years old, dental hygienist, no kids.

/oʊld/ /ˈdɛntəl/ /noʊ/ /kɪdz/

Likes Zumba.

She's the reason I moved to New York City.

/ˈriːzən/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Eight months ago. Thanks for the call, by the way.

/eɪt/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /kɔːl/ /weɪ/

Well, I figured you knew.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /njuː/

It's on my Facebook page.

/ɒn/ /maɪ/

You really should respond to my friend request.

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ʃʊd/ /maɪ/ /frɛnd/ /rɪˈkwɛst/

I post a lot of great stuff.

/poʊst/ /lɒt/ /ɡreɪt/ /stʌf/

Are you familiar with memes?

/juː/ /fəˈmɪliər/ /wɪð/

There's a cat who says,

/kæt/ /huː/

"I can has cheeseburger""

/kæn/ /hæz/

Okay, what the hell happened to you?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /juː/

Robin, I know in the past, I have been...

/noʊ/ /pæst/ /hæv/

emotionally distant.

But Carol has

/bʌt/ /hæz/

brought out a whole new side of me.

/aʊt/ /hoʊl/ /njuː/ /saɪd/ /miː/

I have a new outlook on life

/hæv/ /njuː/ /ɒn/ /laɪf/

a devil-may-care insouciance that embodies the credo,

/ðæt/

"No shirt, no shoes, no problem."

/noʊ/ /ʃɜːrt/ /noʊ/ /ʃuːz/ /noʊ/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Robin... Robin...

I'm fun now.

/fʌn/ /naʊ/

Oh, God.

He's fun now? That does not sound fun.

/fʌn/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /dʌz/ /saʊnd/ /fʌn/

No child should have to see a parent go through that.

/noʊ/ /tʃaɪld/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /siː/ /ˈpɛrənt/ /ɡoʊ/ /θruː/ /ðæt/

Well, it probably took some of the pressure

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /tʊk/ /sʌm/

off the Barney of it all.

/ɒf/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/

Sir, hi.

/sɜːr/

My name is Barney Stinson.

/maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

This is Barney?

/ɪz/

This man is blond.

/mæn/ /ɪz/

Grown men are not blond.

/mɛn/

Dad.

/dæd/

Pleased to meet you.

/miːt/ /juː/

That's a very...

/ˈvɛr.i/

fun hair color.

/fʌn/ /hɛr/ /ˈkʌlər/

That's nothing-- when he met me, his first words were,

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /wɛn/ /hiː/ /miː/ /hɪz/ /fɜːrst/ /wɜːrdz/ /wɜːr/

"Nice blouse"" You were wearing a blouse.

/naɪs/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

It was not a blouse!

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

Oh, great. You're all here.

/ɡreɪt/ /ɔːl/ /hɪr/

Let's talk about our wedding band.

/tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /bænd/

How much do you guys think they should rock?

/haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /θɪŋk/ /ðeɪ/ /ʃʊd/

'Cause I vote, a million.

/kɔːz/ /voʊt/ /ˈmɪljən/

Yeah, yeah, I think we already settled on a DJ, so...

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ɒn/

Lily, Lily,

do you remember the band you guys

/duː/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /bænd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

almost hired for your wedding?

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /haɪərd/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Remember them?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðɛm/

I'll call them up and book them for you.

/kɔːl/ /ðɛm/ /ʌp/ /ænd/ /bʊk/ /ðɛm/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Just say the word.

/dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /wɜːrd/

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel like we keep coming back

/fiːl/ /laɪk/ /wiː/ /kiːp/ /bæk/

to this DJ thing.

/θɪŋ/

What do you think, baby?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Yeah, I don't think

/θɪŋk/

anyone should book anything right now.

/ˈɛniwʌn/ /ʃʊd/ /bʊk/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Why not?

/waɪ/

Well, I am going to go the room marked "Spaghettis,"

/wɛl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ruːm/

which I'm hoping is the ladies room.

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈhoʊpɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /ruːm/

"Meatballs" has to be men's, right?

/hæz/ /biː/ /raɪt/

I don't know what the hell

/noʊ/ /wɒt/

"Calamaris" is.

/ɪz/

Um...

Sir, I-I-I...

/sɜːr/

Permission denied.

Ooh.

And it turns out, "spaghettis" are men.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /mɛn/

I saw a noodle.

/sɔː/ /ˈnuːdəl/

He said no?

/hiː/ /sɛd/ /noʊ/

Yeah, I don't know what we're gonna do.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /duː/

Relax, baby. I got this.

/rɪˈlæks/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I know how to be persuasive.

/noʊ/ /haʊ/ /biː/

The next day, Uncle Barney met Robin's dad

/nɛkst/ /deɪ/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /dæd/

for lunch at the same restaurant.

/fɔːr/ /lʌntʃ/ /seɪm/ /ˈrɛstərɒnt/

This time, with a plan.

/taɪm/ /wɪð/ /plæn/

Hello, Mr. Scherbatsky.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ɒf/ /ɒn/ /rɒŋ/ /fʊt/

You have my attention.

/juː/ /hæv/ /maɪ/

I left the meatball at home

/lɛft/ /hoʊm/

so I could talk to you spaghetti to spaghetti.

/kʊd/ /tɔːk/ /juː/

Sir...

/sɜːr/

I'm very serious about marrying your daughter.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈmæriɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /ˈdɔːtər/

Barney, when I wanted to marry Robin's mother,

/wɛn/ /ˈmæri/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

I slaughtered a whole family of bears

/hoʊl/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

with my bare hands.

/wɪð/ /maɪ/ /hændz/

I gave

/ɡeɪv/

the pelts and the bear meat

/ænd/ /bɛr/ /miːt/

to her father as tribute.

/hɜːr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

You know what we call that in Canada?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /kɔːl/ /ðæt/ /ˈkænədə/

Manners.

Would either

/wʊd/ /ˈiː.ðər/

of you like a mudslide?

/juː/ /laɪk/

I just had one. Thank you.

/dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /juː/

I'll have

/hæv/

a Jazzy Pizzazzy Razzleberry Rainbow Milkshake

with a swirly straw?

/wɪð/

You didn't say the magic word.

/juː/ /seɪ/ /ˈmædʒɪk/ /wɜːrd/

I'll go get your drink.

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /drɪŋk/

Still crying, huh?

/ˈkraɪɪŋ/

Yeah. We've tried everything short

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ʃɔːrt/

of a pack of smokes and a cup of coffee.

/ænd/ /kʌp/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

Still nothing but clean dipeys.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /kliːn/

There's only one explanation for this.

/ˈoʊnli/ /fɔːr/

Marvin Marvin

has potty-trained himself.

/hæz/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

He sneaks into the bathroom while we're sleeping.

/hiː/ /ˈbæθruːm/ /waɪl/ /ˈsliːpɪŋ/

I'll ask Barney to check the tapes.

/æsk/ /tʃɛk/

Barney has cameras in our bathroom?!

/hæz/ /aʊər/ /ˈbæθruːm/

Well, I mean, don't you think?

/wɛl/ /miːn/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

Hey, guys. Robin, good.

/ɡaɪz/ /ɡʊd/

You're here. Bad news.

/hɪr/ /bæd/ /njuːz/

That wedding band you wanted is booked for May 25.

/ðæt/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /bænd/ /juː/ /ɪz/ /fɔːr/ /meɪ/

Oh, no. What are you gonna do?

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /duː/

Oh! Oh, hey! Here's an idea.

/aɪˈdɪ.ə/

Oh, God, Ted, if you suggest a DJ...

/ɪf/ /juː/ /səˈdʒɛst/

Far from it.

/fɑːr/ /ɪt/

I was going to suggest a band.

/wɒz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /səˈdʒɛst/ /bænd/

A band called... Kool and the Gang.

/bænd/ /ænd/ /ɡæŋ/

Robin, Robin,

would you like for me

/wʊd/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

to get Kool and the Gang to play at your wedding?

/ɡɛt/ /ænd/ /ɡæŋ/ /pleɪ/ /jʊr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Uh... I... yeah, guess so.

/ɡɛs/

And would it be okay if they invited their friends,

/ænd/ /wʊd/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /ɪf/ /ðeɪ/ /ðɛr/ /frɛndz/

Beyonce and-and ABBA,

and the Bee Gees,

/ænd/

and Journey,

/ænd/ /ˈdʒɜːrni/

and Queen?

/ænd/

What? You're...? What are you say...? Sao? Anh...? Sao anh...?

/wɒt/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /seɪ/

How... how is that even possible?

/haʊ/ /haʊ/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

I'll tell you how.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /haʊ/

You hire a DJ.

/juː/ /haɪər/

Wicka-wicka-wicka-burn.

Ugh! God, this is, like,

/ʌɡ/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/

the fifteenth time my dad has sent me a friend request.

/taɪm/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /hæz/ /sɛnt/ /miː/ /frɛnd/ /rɪˈkwɛst/

I'm just gonna hit "accept."

/dʒʌst/ /əkˈsɛpt/

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, don't do it, Robin.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /duː/ /ɪt/

You don't want to see what's behind that door.

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /ðæt/ /dɔːr/

What are you talking about?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

He's talking about

/əˈbaʊt/

my mom's 2,000-word review of Fifty Shades of Grey.

/maɪ/ /wɜːrd/ /rɪˈvjuː/

And 14 of those words were "vulva."

/ænd/ /ðoʊz/ /wɜːrdz/ /wɜːr/

You're gonna get endless requests to play some game

/ɡɛt/ /pleɪ/ /sʌm/ /ɡeɪm/

that has something to do with gangsters and farming.

/ðæt/ /hæz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /duː/ /wɪð/ /ænd/

Never mind the embarrassing cheerleading photos

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /maɪnd/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

from high school.

/haɪ/ /skuːl/

- Begged my mom to burn those. - Robin,

/maɪ/ /mɒm/ /bɜːrn/ /ðoʊz/

trust me, no good can come from accepting that friend request.

/trʌst/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /kæn/ /kʌm/ /ðæt/ /frɛnd/ /rɪˈkwɛst/

Yeah, I-I think I may have given you guys the wrong impression.

/θɪŋk/ /meɪ/ /hæv/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /rɒŋ/

Okay, my dad

/maɪ/ /dæd/

is actually not that bad of a guy.

/ɪz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /ðæt/ /bæd/ /ɡaɪ/

Do it, Barney. Squeeze that trigger.

/duː/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/

I don't want to do this.

/wɒnt/ /duː/

Well, you think I wanted to kill that bear?

/wɛl/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /kɪl/ /ðæt/ /bɛr/

Yeah, kind of. Oh, yeah, you're right.

/kaɪnd/ /raɪt/

I can't do this.

/duː/

Oh.

What... what the hell is this?!

/wɒt/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/

Your dad is crazy!

/jʊr/ /dæd/ /ɪz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

He wanted me to kill Fluffernutter!

/hiː/ /miː/ /kɪl/

I told you not to give him a name!

/toʊld/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /neɪm/

Well, I did!

/wɛl/ /dɪd/

I gave him a name and a backstory!

/ɡeɪv/ /hɪm/ /neɪm/ /ænd/

He comes from a magical rabbit warren

/hiː/

underneath the old rusty tractor.

/oʊld/

He was the runt of the litter, but he persevered.

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɪtər/ /bʌt/ /hiː/

He... Oh, give me this. Give it to me!

/hiː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /miː/

Dad,

/dæd/

is there, um, something you want to tell me?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /tɛl/ /miː/

Well, in the early '80s, I did some wet work for the CIA.

/wɛl/ /ˈɜːr.li/ /dɪd/ /sʌm/ /wɛt/ /wɜːrk/ /fɔːr/

Yes, Daddy, I remember the bedtime stories.

/ˈdædi/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ˈstɔːriz/

No, I'm, uh, talking about your Facebook page?

/noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/

It says you're married.

/ɪt/ /ˈmærid/

Well...

/wɛl/

yes, uh, Carol and I were in Key Largo

/ænd/ /wɜːr/ /kiː/

at a performance of the recording artist James Buffett.

/pəˈfɔːməns/ /ˈɑːrtɪst/

We're what are known as Parrotheads.

/wɒt/

And, uh,

/ænd/

well, one thing led

/wɛl/ /θɪŋ/

to the other, and, uh...

/ˈʌð.ər/ /ænd/

we got married.

/wiː/ /ˈmærid/

You didn't want to tell me about it?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

I Facebooked it... on Facebook.

/ɪt/ /ɒn/

Okay, you know what, Dad?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /dæd/

Since you obviously have no interest in involving me

/sɪns/ /juː/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /miː/

in your personal life, I may as well tell you:

/jʊr/ /ˈpɜːrsənl/ /laɪf/ /meɪ/ /wɛl/ /tɛl/ /juː/

Barney and I are already engaged.

/ænd/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

That's right.

/raɪt/

I'm behind you on this, Robin.

/bɪˈhaɪnd/ /juː/ /ɒn/

Directly behind you.

/bɪˈhaɪnd/ /juː/

Anyway, this is happening.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ɪz/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/

And since I wasn't invited to your wedding,

/ænd/ /sɪns/ /jʊr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

you're not invited to mine.

/maɪn/

Good-bye.

Oh, no!

/noʊ/

Fluffernutter peed all over my pants!

/ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /maɪ/ /pænts/

So, I just called up

/dʒʌst/ /ʌp/

that wedding band's road manager to get the number

/ðæt/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /roʊd/ /ˈmænɪdʒər/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈnʌmbər/

of the people who booked them for the 25th,

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /huː/ /ðɛm/ /fɔːr/

so I could bribe them into giving up the band.

/kʊd/ /ðɛm/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /bænd/

You did what?! That is so dishonest!

/juː/ /dɪd/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

No matter what happens next, I think we can all agree,

/noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənz/ /nɛkst/ /θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ɔːl/ /əˈɡriː/

you're in the wrong here, Lily.

/rɒŋ/ /hɪr/

It's your number, Ted.

/jʊr/ /ˈnʌmbər/

All right, you got me!

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /juː/ /miː/

I put a non-refundable deposit on that band

/pʊt/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /bænd/

to keep Barney and Robin from booking them.

/kiːp/ /ænd/ /ˈbʊkɪŋ/ /ðɛm/

And I would've gotten away with it

/ænd/ /əˈweɪ/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

if it wasn't a really stupid and expensive plan.

/ɪf/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ænd/ /ɪkˈspɛnsɪv/ /plæn/

Dude, why would you do that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

I don't see what the big deal is.

/siː/ /wɒt/ /bɪɡ/ /diːl/ /ɪz/

The big deal is Robin deserves better

/bɪɡ/ /diːl/ /ɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

than some crappy, unreliable band!

/ðæn/ /sʌm/ /bænd/

Sure, bands seem cool

/ʃʊr/ /siːm/ /kuːl/

with their nice suits and their well-rehearsed moves,

/wɪð/ /ðɛr/ /naɪs/ /ænd/ /ðɛr/

but let's be honest: bands let you down.

/bʌt/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /lɛt/ /juː/ /daʊn/

They-They cheat, they deceive, and God knows they've slept

/ðeɪ/ /ænd/ /slɛpt/

with every girl in New York City.

/wɪð/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ɡɜːrl/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

I just, I can't believe

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈliːv/

Robin is going through with marrying...

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /wɪð/ /ˈmæriɪŋ/

the idea of getting a band.

/aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /bænd/

And that is, that's a perfectly normal way to phrase that.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈnɔːrməl/ /weɪ/ /freɪz/ /ðæt/

Okay, Ted, bar. Now.

/bɑːr/ /naʊ/

Nice try.

/naɪs/ /traɪ/

You're gonna stick me with that baby

/stɪk/ /miː/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

so that you guys can spend five minutes

/ðæt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /kæn/ /spɛnd/ /faɪv/

sorting out his love life,

/aʊt/ /hɪz/ /lʌv/ /laɪf/

followed by an hour of you getting drunk

/ˈaʊ.ər/ /juː/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /drʌŋk/

and pretending to be in The Departed.

/ænd/ /biː/

You know what? I'm sorry, Lily, okay?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈsɒr.i/

But I just need to know:

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /niːd/ /noʊ/

Are you a cop? I'm not a cop!

/juː/

Are you a cop? I'm not a cop!

/juː/

Uh-uh.

I got this.

Ted, you, me, upstairs.

/juː/ /miː/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/

Roof. Now.

/ruːf/ /naʊ/

What? It's January. Move!

/wɒt/ /muːv/

Let's cut the crap.

/kʌt/

We're both freezing--

/boʊθ/

just say it and we can go downstairs.

/dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˌdaʊnˈstɛrz/

Say what?

/seɪ/ /wɒt/

Say how much you hate

/seɪ/ /haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /juː/ /heɪt/

that Robin and Barney are getting married.

/ðæt/ /ænd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/

What? No. I...

/wɒt/ /noʊ/

I'm happy for them.

/ˈhæp.i/ /fɔːr/ /ðɛm/

I-I encouraged Robin to go after Barney.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈæf.tər/

I know-- because you thought you were okay letting her go.

/noʊ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /θɔːt/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /hɜːr/ /ɡoʊ/

But now that she's really gone,

/bʌt/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡɔːn/

it hurts.

/ɪt/ /hɜːrts/

Kids, at that point in my life,

/kɪdz/ /ðæt/ /pɔɪnt/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

I'd been hurt quite a few times already.

/hɜːrt/ /kwaɪt/ /fjuː/ /taɪmz/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Today, we're gonna braid friendship bracelets.

/təˈdeɪ/ /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/

♪ I fell in love...

/lʌv/

There is a very simple explana... ah!

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

This one time, I was playing tennis, and...

/taɪm/ /wɒz/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /ænd/

Ooh!

Oh, ow! Ow!

Hey, Schmosby, remember when you dookied

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɛn/ /juː/

in your pants down by the lake?

/jʊr/ /pænts/ /daʊn/ /leɪk/

Unbelievable!

Do you love me?

/duː/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /miː/

No. Ko.

/noʊ/

But when I saw that text message,

/bʌt/ /wɛn/ /sɔː/ /ðæt/ /tɛkst/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/

and found out Robin was engaged,

/ænd/ /aʊt/ /wɒz/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

it was like:

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/

Unbelievable!

No. Ko.

/noʊ/

...times a million.

/taɪmz/ /ˈmɪljən/

I am happy for them.

/ˈhæp.i/ /fɔːr/ /ðɛm/

Is all you'll let yourself say out loud,

/ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /lɛt/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /seɪ/ /aʊt/ /laʊd/

because if you said anything to the contrary, well,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /wɛl/

that would make you

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /meɪk/ /juː/

the most awful person on this rooftop.

/moʊst/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /ɒn/

So, I'm gonna give you an out.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /aʊt/

And how are you gonna do that?

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

By saying something that is even more awful.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈiːvən/ /mɔːr/

Like what?

/laɪk/ /wɒt/

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom.

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /wɪʃ/ /mɒm/

Sometimes I want to pack a bag

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /wɒnt/ /bæɡ/

and leave in the middle of the night and not come back.

/ænd/ /liːv/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /naɪt/ /ænd/ /kʌm/ /bæk/

Robin shouldn't be with Barney,

/biː/ /wɪð/

she should be with me.

/ʃiː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /wɪð/ /miː/

You serious?

/juː/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

I mean, I love being a mom, and...

/miːn/ /lʌv/ /mɒm/ /ænd/

I love Marvin so much.

/lʌv/ /mʌtʃ/

But...

/bʌt/

but do you remember

/bʌt/ /duː/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

when I wanted to be an artist?

/wɛn/ /biː/ /ˈɑːrtɪst/

Art was my whole life.

/ɑːrt/ /wɒz/ /maɪ/ /hoʊl/ /laɪf/

And-and now it's been months

/naʊ/

since I've even picked up a brush.

/sɪns/ /ˈiːvən/ /ʌp/ /brʌʃ/

I-I spend the whole day

/spɛnd/ /hoʊl/ /deɪ/

taking care of kids at my job,

/kɛr/ /kɪdz/ /maɪ/ /dʒɒb/

and I come home and it's more of the same.

/ænd/ /kʌm/ /hoʊm/ /ænd/ /mɔːr/ /seɪm/

It just...

/ɪt/ /dʒʌst/

It never lets up, it...

/ɪt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ʌp/ /ɪt/

It's just really, really hard, Ted.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɑːrd/

Have you talked to Marshall about how you feel?

/hæv/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /fiːl/

Have you talked to Robin about how you feel?

/hæv/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /fiːl/

Fair enough.

/fɛr/ /ɪˈnʌf/

I just think we have to accept our lots in life,

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /əkˈsɛpt/ /aʊər/ /laɪf/

and I have to be a mom to a...

/ænd/ /hæv/ /biː/ /mɒm/

a beautiful, wonderful--

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ˈwʌndərfəl/

if slightly constipated--

/ɪf/ /ˈslaɪtli/

little boy, and...

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /bɔɪ/ /ænd/

you have to let Robin and Barney get a band.

/juː/ /hæv/ /lɛt/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /bænd/

All right, let's see what's in this dipey.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /siː/

Nothing.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Absolutely nothing.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Hey.

Are you finally giving Daddy a smile?

/juː/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /ˈdædi/ /smaɪl/

Oh!

Oh, God!

And, no, it wasn't confetti.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/

Oh!

Oh, God!

Please!

/pliːz/

Holy confetti.

That night, Robin agreed

/ðæt/ /naɪt/

to meet her dad one more time.

/miːt/ /hɜːr/ /dæd/ /mɔːr/ /taɪm/

Your Dad has something to say.

/jʊr/ /dæd/ /hæz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /seɪ/

I'm sorry for getting married without consulting you.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /juː/

It was wrong of me.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /rɒŋ/ /miː/

There. Now, Robin...

/ðɛr/ /naʊ/

I know that no mere

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /noʊ/

apology will fix this.

/wɪl/ /fɪks/

And that is why

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /waɪ/

I've asked Carol for a divorce.

/fɔːr/ /dɪˈvɔːrs/

What?!

/wɒt/

She's heartbroken, understandably.

Possibly suicidal.

I did not tell him...

/dɪd/ /tɛl/ /hɪm/

But if that's the price

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /praɪs/

for my daughter's love...

/fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /lʌv/

then I will gladly let Carol pay it.

/ðɛn/ /wɪl/ /lɛt/ /peɪ/ /ɪt/

Was that not what you wanted?

/wɒz/ /ðæt/ /wɒt/ /juː/

You want to know what I want?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wɒnt/

A normal dad. That's all.

/ˈnɔːrməl/ /dæd/ /ɔːl/

I want you to give this blond guy

/wɒnt/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /ɡaɪ/

permission to marry me.

/ˈmæri/ /miː/

Come to the wedding, give me away,

/kʌm/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /əˈweɪ/

smile in the pictures, and then...

/smaɪl/ /ˈpɪktʃərz/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/

dance with me like a normal dad.

/dæns/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /laɪk/ /ˈnɔːrməl/ /dæd/

Is that too much to ask?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /mʌtʃ/ /æsk/

"Of course not.

/kɔːrs/

"Oh, Robin, my darling girl,

/maɪ/ /ɡɜːrl/

"of course I'll do all stuff.

/kɔːrs/ /duː/ /ɔːl/ /stʌf/

"I love you and I'm proud of you."

/lʌv/ /juː/ /ænd/ /praʊd/ /juː/

He didn't say that?

/hiː/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

No. Ko.

/noʊ/

Fine. One dance--

/faɪn/ /dæns/

"Cheeseburger in Paradise." "Cheeseburger in Paradise."

And Carol's going to sing it.

/ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /sɪŋ/ /ɪt/

Well, see you at the wedding.

/wɛl/ /siː/ /juː/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

But it's kind of amazing.

/bʌt/ /kaɪnd/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

I mean, he's never apologized to me in his life.

/miːn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /miː/ /hɪz/ /laɪf/

Barney made it happen.

/ɪt/ /ˈhæpən/

He must really love me.

/hiː/ /mʌst/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /lʌv/ /miː/

Well, he'd be crazy not to.

/wɛl/ /biː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I'm really happy for you guys.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈhæp.i/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

But I still think

/bʌt/ /θɪŋk/

you should get a DJ.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/

Ju-Ju.. For God's sakes, Ted.

/fɔːr/

Hear me out.

/hɪr/ /miː/ /aʊt/

I made a pretty strong case that night,

/ˈprɪti/ /strɒŋ/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

but in the end, she didn't want a DJ.

/bʌt/ /ɛnd/ /ʃiː/ /wɒnt/

She wanted a band.

/ʃiː/ /bænd/

And guess what happened.

/ænd/ /ɡɛs/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

That's right, the band cancelled at the last minute,

/raɪt/ /bænd/ /læst/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

just like I said they would.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /sɛd/ /ðeɪ/ /wʊd/

The wedding is in a week, and no bands.

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /wiːk/ /ænd/ /noʊ/

When will people realize I always know what's what?

/wɛn/ /wɪl/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

He says to the lesbian he dated for a month.

/hiː/ /hiː/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/ /fɔːr/ /mʌnθ/

That's a fair point.

/fɛr/ /pɔɪnt/

Anyway, you guys

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

wouldn't, uh, happen to know

/ˈhæpən/ /noʊ/

of any good wedding bands

/ˈɛn.i/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/