Season 8 · Tập 13

You guys. You guys will not believe what just happened.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɪl/ /bɪˈliːv/ /wɒt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhæpənd/

On my way here, a taxi

/ɒn/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/ /hɪr/

jumped the curb and it pinned this old lady,

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /oʊld/ /ˈleɪdi/

and I-I just went into this, like, crazy adrenaline mode

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /wɛnt/ /laɪk/ /ˈkreɪzi/

and I somehow lifted it off her.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/ /hɜːr/

Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist.

/maɪ/ /jʊr/

Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen.

/ɡɛs/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

I must've strained it lifting. No,

/ɪt/ /noʊ/

I believe our dear friend Lily was referring

/bɪˈliːv/ /aʊər/ /dɪər/ /frɛnd/ /wɒz/

to your other wrist.

/jʊr/ /ˈʌð.ər/

The one wearing the male birth control.

/meɪl/ /kənˈtroʊl/

I was gonna go with

/wɒz/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/

"chastity bracelet."

God, is it possible to love you more?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /mɔːr/

Really? Really? I just

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /dʒʌst/

saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this?

/laɪf/ /ænd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɒn/

Yeah, you know what, guys? Leave him alone.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɡaɪz/ /liːv/ /hɪm/ /əˈloʊn/

All right, he's a hero.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Thank you.

/juː/

Do you think that your super strength came from

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /jʊr/ /ˈsuːpər/

wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff?

/ˈwʌndər/ /ˈmædʒɪk/

Yeah, I'll have you know that because of this cuff,

/hæv/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

I have a date.

/hæv/ /deɪt/

With some hand lotion and the Internet?

/wɪð/ /sʌm/ /hænd/ /ænd/ /ˈɪntərˌnɛt/

It is possible to love you more!

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /mɔːr/

She exists.

/ʃiː/

And she's right outside.

/ænd/ /raɪt/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

Great. Bring her in.

/ɡreɪt/ /brɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

You know what? It's so nice out.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /naɪs/ /aʊt/

Why don't... why don't we just all go for a walk.

/waɪ/ /waɪ/ /wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɔːl/ /ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /wɔːk/

It's pouring rain, Ted. I think it's pretty obvious

/reɪn/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈɒbviəs/

she can't fit through the door. Mm.

/ʃiː/ /fɪt/ /θruː/ /dɔːr/

She is a gorgeous, athletic woman.

/ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /æθˈlɛtɪk/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

"Athletic"? Sideburns, no cans.

/æθˈlɛtɪk/ /noʊ/

She is hot.

/ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /hɒt/

So why can't she come in, Ted?

/waɪ/ /ʃiː/ /kʌm/

She can come in.

/ʃiː/ /kæn/ /kʌm/

In six and a half months.

/sɪks/ /ænd/ /hæf/

Wait. Are you saying she's...

/weɪt/ /juː/

Twenty.

And a half.

/ænd/ /hæf/

Almost.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/

Ah-ah! Hold up, guys.

/hoʊld/ /ʌp/ /ɡaɪz/

She had to bounce. Um, a flash mob broke out in front

/ʃiː/ /hæd/ /aʊt/

of a line of Korean-Mexican food trucks in Williamsburg.

/laɪn/ /fuːd/

The only thing

/ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/

that would make her more of a 20-year-old

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /meɪk/ /hɜːr/ /mɔːr/

is an ironic form - of transportation. - Yeah.

/ɪz/ /fɔːrm/ /ˌtrænspərˈteɪʃən/

She's roller skating there.

/ðɛr/

I don't know which is more pathetic--

/noʊ/ /wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /mɔːr/

that you're going out with a 20-year-old

/ðæt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/

or that you bought a leather cuff to get a date with her.

/ðæt/ /juː/ /bɔːt/ /ɡɛt/ /deɪt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

I didn't buy this

/baɪ/

to get a date.

/ɡɛt/ /deɪt/

I just happened to be out

/dʒʌst/ /ˈhæpənd/ /biː/ /aʊt/

catching up on some Saturday afternoon

/ʌp/ /ɒn/ /sʌm/ /ˈsætərdeɪ/ /ˌæftərˈnuːn/

leather cuff shopping, Oh.

and she just happened to be a leather cuff saleswoman.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈhæpənd/ /biː/

God, I am so glad I am done chasing bimbos.

/ɡlæd/ /dʌn/

Now that I'm engaged, that whole part of my life

/naʊ/ /ðæt/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/ /ðæt/ /hoʊl/ /pɑːrt/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

just seems sad and empty.

/dʒʌst/ /sæd/ /ænd/ /ˈɛmpti/

I don't want this to sound

/wɒnt/ /saʊnd/

too harsh, Ted, but you disgust me.

/hɑːrʃ/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /miː/

Until a month ago, your headboard had a lube dispenser.

/ənˈtɪl/ /mʌnθ/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /jʊr/ /hæd/

We got rid of that, okay? Yeah.

/wiː/ /ðæt/

Anyway, speaking of engaged,

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /ˈspiːkɪŋ/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

check out what got back from being resized.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /wɒt/ /bæk/

Oh, my God. Look at the size of that rock.

/maɪ/ /lʊk/ /saɪz/ /ðæt/

Barney, you don't

/juː/

start with the I-got-caught-cheating diamond.

/stɑːrt/ /wɪð/

You give yourself room to grow.

/juː/ /ɡɪv/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /ruːm/ /ɡroʊ/

It's a family heirloom.

/ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

Yeah, I got a few dirty looks

/fjuː/ /ˈdɜːrti/

from Barney's half-sister over Christmas,

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈkrɪsməs/

so I had to sit her down and explain very respectfully...

/hæd/ /sɪt/ /hɜːr/ /daʊn/ /ænd/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/ /ˈvɛr.i/

that she can suck it.

/ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /kæn/ /ɪt/

Okay. Okay.

I got to bounce.

Stop saying that.

/stɒp/ /ðæt/

This DJ from Dubai is spinning

/ɪz/

at an abandoned loading dock in Bushwick.

I'm worried I don't have enough layers.

/ˈwʌrid/ /hæv/ /ɪˈnʌf/

So what if my friends thought it was doomed?

/wɒt/ /ɪf/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /θɔːt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

I was still young, and I knew that a night of partying

/wɒz/ /jʌŋ/ /ænd/ /njuː/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

with a girl over a decade younger than me

/wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðæn/ /miː/

would be a total...

/wʊd/ /biː/

...disaster. She's like an entirely different species.

/dɪˈzæstər/ /laɪk/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /ˈspiːʃiːz/

And I definitely didn't have enough layers.

/ænd/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /hæv/ /ɪˈnʌf/

I didn't understand half the words she was saying.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /hæf/ /wɜːrdz/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/

To me, it all sounded like hipster Mad Libs.

/miː/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /laɪk/ /mæd/

Didn't you check your phone?

/juː/ /tʃɛk/ /jʊr/ /foʊn/

I just "means of contacting" you

/dʒʌst/ /juː/

on "currently hot social networking site."

/ɒn/ /hɒt/ /ˈsoʊʃəl/ /saɪt/

The show's been moved

to "New York neighborhood

/njuː/ /jɔːrk/

you've never heard of."

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /hɜːrd/

Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock.

/maɪ/ /foʊn/ /hæz/ /klɒk/

And they subsist on a diet of pointlessly weird combinations.

/ænd/ /ðeɪ/ /ɒn/ /ˈdaɪɪt/

Hey, do you want to split a kimchi cupcake

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /splɪt/

with bacon frosting?

/wɪð/

They are the best here.

/ðeɪ/ /bɛst/ /hɪr/

Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go great with my

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡreɪt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/

cucumber jalapeño egg cream.

/kriːm/

Chug it! Come on. Come on.

/tʃʌɡ/ /ɪt/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

We got to get going. Right. Okay.

/wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /raɪt/

Then later, at a club in Chinatown

/ðɛn/ /ˈleɪtər/ /klʌb/

somehow located beneath a manhole cover,

/ˈkʌvər/

it got weird.

/ɪt/

God, I just love those

/dʒʌst/ /lʌv/ /ðoʊz/

tiny gray hairs in your eyebrows.

/ˈtaɪni/ /jʊr/

Old men are so sexy.

/oʊld/ /mɛn/

All right, to be fair,

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /biː/ /fɛr/

some of those gray hairs were dried egg cream.

/sʌm/ /ðoʊz/ /wɜːr/ /kriːm/

Turns out, when you projectile vomit on skates,

/aʊt/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /ɒn/

you roll right into the spray.

/juː/ /roʊl/ /raɪt/

Wait, how old does she think you are?

/weɪt/ /haʊ/ /oʊld/ /dʌz/ /ʃiː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/

So, were you in Vietnam?

/wɜːr/ /juː/ /ˌviː.ɛtˈnɑːm/

Hold that groan.

/hoʊld/ /ðæt/

Charlie was everywhere.

/wɒz/ /ˈɛvriwɛr/

She's hot! She likes old guys!

/hɒt/ /ʃiː/ /oʊld/ /ɡaɪz/

Don't judge me!

/dʒʌdʒ/ /miː/

Anyway, when we got out on the dance floor, th...

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/ /dæns/ /flɔːr/

I swear, this is what all the 20-year-olds looked like...

/swɛər/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ɔːl/ /laɪk/

I want to thank you for your service to this nation, Private.

/wɒnt/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /ˈneɪʃən/ /ˈpraɪvɪt/

Colonel.

I got to end this.

/ɛnd/

Yeah, seriously, Ted.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/

Pretending to be someone else just to get laid?

/biː/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɛls/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/

That's... embarrassing.

/ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

Your Highness!

/jʊr/

Let's go.

/ɡoʊ/

Ew. Marshall, take that off.

/teɪk/ /ðæt/ /ɒf/

What? I think it looks kind of cool.

/wɒt/ /θɪŋk/ /ɪt/ /kaɪnd/ /kuːl/

Cool?

/kuːl/

You look like one of those jerks who's in some lame band

/juː/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/ /ðoʊz/ /sʌm/ /bænd/

and rides a motorcycle without a helmet and has a wallet chain

/ænd/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /ænd/ /hæz/

and neck tattoos and a drug problem.

/ænd/ /nɛk/ /ænd/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Not a... a big one, just, uh...

/bɪɡ/ /dʒʌst/

enough that he deals a little bit on the side, and...

/ɪˈnʌf/ /ðæt/ /hiː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɒn/ /saɪd/ /ænd/

he can never... ever be true to one woman.

/hiː/ /kæn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /biː/ /truː/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

Finish that damn pickle and do me!

/ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/ /ðæt/ /ænd/ /duː/ /miː/

Okay, you guys know how my mornings usually go.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /maɪ/ /ˈjuː.ʒu.ə.li/ /ɡoʊ/

Why would we care how...

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /wiː/ /kɛr/ /haʊ/

Usually it's like this.

/ˈjuː.ʒu.ə.li/ /laɪk/

After you.

/ˈæf.tər/ /juː/

Aw, thank you.

/juː/

On the house, Robin!

/ɒn/ /haʊs/

♪ Take this bagel on the house

/teɪk/ /ɒn/ /haʊs/

♪ Have a paper on the house

/hæv/ /ˈpeɪ.pər/ /ɒn/ /haʊs/

♪ I'd give you a house on the house ♪

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /haʊs/ /ɒn/ /haʊs/

♪ If I could

/ɪf/ /kʊd/

♪ You're so beautiful

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

♪ Everything in life should be free ♪

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /laɪf/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /friː/

♪ It's so wonderful to be me!

/ˈwʌndərfəl/ /biː/ /miː/

Do little bluebirds help you get dressed in the morning, too?

/duː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /hɛlp/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

♪ She's exaggerating

♪ To make a point!

/meɪk/ /pɔɪnt/

But today was different.

/bʌt/ /təˈdeɪ/ /wɒz/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

That'll be $3.75.

/biː/

But I didn't have to pay yesterday.

/bʌt/ /hæv/ /peɪ/ /ˈjɛs.tər.deɪ/

Okay. $7.50.

Oh, honey-sweetie-baby. It's the ring, Robin.

/rɪŋ/

The ring has power.

/rɪŋ/ /hæz/ /ˈpaʊər/

When a woman puts on an engagement ring,

/wɛn/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /ɒn/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒmənt/ /rɪŋ/

it's like when Bilbo Baggins wears the One Ring

/laɪk/ /wɛn/ /rɪŋ/

in The Hobbit. trong phim The Hobbit.

Okay, can you say that again but not in nerd?

/kæn/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /bʌt/

Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak

/ʃʊr/ /rɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/

that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts.

/ðæt/ /əˈraʊnd/

Yeah, I don't speak virgin either.

/spiːk/ /ˈiː.ðər/

The ring-- it makes you invisible.

/rɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /juː/

You're not precious.

Oh, good, you're awake.

/ɡʊd/ /əˈweɪk/

Look, Ted,

/lʊk/

there's something we have to talk about.

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

Boundaries? Invasion of privacy?

Losing your key privileges?

/jʊr/ /kiː/

It's about the 20-year-old, Ted.

/əˈbaʊt/

You have to bang her.

/juː/ /hæv/ /hɜːr/

For me!

/fɔːr/ /miː/

Why do you want me to hook up with this 20-year-old?

/waɪ/ /duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/

I thought I disgusted you.

/θɔːt/ /juː/

Yeah, that was all an act.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ɔːl/ /ækt/

Look, look, look, I love Robin

/lʊk/ /lʊk/ /lʊk/ /lʌv/

and she's the only girl I want to be with.

/ænd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɡɜːrl/ /wɒnt/ /biː/ /wɪð/

But my body is detoxing after years of one-night stands.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɒdi/ /ɪz/ /ˈæf.tər/

They don't make gum or a patch for this, Ted.

/ðeɪ/ /meɪk/ /ɡʌm/ /fɔːr/

But, hey, billion-dollar idea alert.

/bʌt/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

That's okay. I'll just buy a new dream journal.

/dʒʌst/ /baɪ/ /njuː/ /driːm/ /ˈdʒɜːrnəl/

What-what-what are you looking for?

/juː/ /fɔːr/

Your phone.

/jʊr/ /foʊn/

There's got to be some pictures

/biː/ /sʌm/ /ˈpɪktʃərz/

of her in here.

/hɜːr/ /hɪr/

Damn it. No.

/ɪt/ /noʊ/

Those are all worthless.

/ðoʊz/ /ɔːl/

I need some one-night-stand material, Ted.

/niːd/ /sʌm/

Oh. Oh. Here's your mom. Hello, Virginia.

/jʊr/ /mɒm/

Um, my mother is not one-night-stand material.

/maɪ/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /ɪz/

Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing.

/raɪt/ /ɪt/ /naɪt/ /ænd/ /wiː/

That didn't happen.

/ðæt/ /ˈhæpən/

You're right. It didn't.

/raɪt/ /ɪt/

You just winked.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/

No, I didn't.

/noʊ/

You just did it again!

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/

Look, bottom line: I need you

/lʊk/ /laɪn/ /niːd/ /juː/

to proxy bang this girl for me.

/ɡɜːrl/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Be my stand-in

/biː/ /maɪ/

and put your gland in.

/ænd/ /pʊt/ /jʊr/

Hey, wow, that'd be good on a hat.

/biː/ /ɡʊd/ /ɒn/ /hæt/

Barney, Barney,

she's just using me for my gracefully aging body.

/dʒʌst/ /miː/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /ˈbɒdi/

You're picking now to get some self-respect?

/naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/

You once banged a blind girl by pretending to be Sean Connery.

/juː/ /wʌns/ /blaɪnd/ /ɡɜːrl/ /biː/

That was you.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /juː/

Yeah, that conquest was most enjoyable.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /moʊst/

I'm sorry. T-To hook up with a girl,

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/

I have to connect with her at least a little.

/hæv/ /kəˈnɛkt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /liːst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Then find a connection.

/ðɛn/ /faɪnd/

Just go simple.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

Nothing about weird poets or buildings

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

or any of those stupid articles you've ever e-mailed me

/ˈɛn.i/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /miː/

with the subject line "Food for thought."

/wɪð/ /ˈsʌbdʒɪkt/ /laɪn/ /fuːd/ /fɔːr/ /θɔːt/

Please, Ted.

/pliːz/

I need this.

/niːd/

Fine. You win.

/faɪn/ /juː/ /wɪn/

I'll bang

a hot 20-year-old.

/hɒt/

But I'm not gonna enjoy...

/bʌt/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/

Oh, who am I kidding?

/huː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

It's gonna be awesome.

/biː/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Now, turn off the lights and go.

/naʊ/ /tɜːrn/ /ɒf/ /laɪts/ /ænd/ /ɡoʊ/

Not all the way!

/ɔːl/ /weɪ/

Hello. Yeah, three...

/θriː/

Okay, normally New York is the friendliest,

/ˈnɔːrməli/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ɪz/

most affordable city in the world.

/moʊst/ /əˈfɔːrdəbl/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /wɜːrld/

Now it's as rude and expensive as San Francisco.

/naʊ/ /ruːd/ /ænd/ /ɪkˈspɛnsɪv/ /frænˈsɪskoʊ/

Guys?

/ɡaɪz/

Oh, hey, that's life once you're engaged.

/laɪf/ /wʌns/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

Oh, tell her, baby. Make it hurt.

/tɛl/ /hɜːr/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /hɜːrt/

I'll be at the booth.

/biː/

My panties may or may not be on

/maɪ/ /meɪ/ /meɪ/ /biː/ /ɒn/

when you get there.

/wɛn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛr/

They won't be!

/ðeɪ/ /biː/

Okay, what is going on with you guys?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /wɪð/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

It's the cuff.

It turns out that picturing me as a loser musician

/ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/ /miː/ /mjuˈzɪʃən/

with a Vicodin addiction and a beat-up van

/wɪð/ /ænd/ /væn/

I use to steal copper wire really turns Lily's crank.

/juːz/ /stiːl/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Who knew?

/huː/ /njuː/

Whoa, what-what happened to your wrist?

/ˈhæpənd/ /jʊr/

Oh. It's an allergic reaction.

/riˈækʃən/

So take it off.

/teɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/

Robin, once you have a child,

/wʌns/ /juː/ /hæv/ /tʃaɪld/

anything that gets you even remotely close

/ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ɡɛts/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /kloʊs/

to the possibility of sex is worth a few pus-filled blisters.

/sɛks/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrθ/ /fjuː/

Better the sores weep than I.

/ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/

Hey, hold on. That slut just got here.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /dʒʌst/ /hɪr/

How'd she get beer already?

/ʃiː/ /ɡɛt/ /bɪər/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Do you see a ring on that finger?

/duː/ /juː/ /siː/ /rɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/

Are you saying that this invisibility thing

/juː/ /ðæt/ /θɪŋ/

means I might not be able to get beer?

/maɪt/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /ɡɛt/ /bɪər/

I was just getting used to the idea of having to pay for coffee

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /peɪ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkɔː.fi/

and bagels and rent.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /rɛnt/

Rent? But not being able

/rɛnt/ /bʌt/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/

to get a beer? Unacceptable.

/ɡɛt/ /bɪər/

Excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Hot girl coming through.

/hɒt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /θruː/

Three beers, please.

/θriː/ /bɪərz/ /pliːz/

Damn it, ring!

/ɪt/ /rɪŋ/

Oh, yeah, baby. Mm-hmm.

/ˈbeɪbi/

Later you should totally go out and buy a switchblade.

/ˈleɪtər/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /baɪ/

Mm. Sure.

/ʃʊr/

While I'm out, maybe Daddy picks up some diapers

/waɪl/ /aʊt/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈdædi/ /ʌp/ /sʌm/

and a little mild salsa because we're low.

/ænd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /maɪld/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /loʊ/

Well, you're right--

/wɛl/ /raɪt/

I'm invisible.

That night, the only person

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

in worse shape than Robin was her fiancé.

/wɜːrs/ /ʃeɪp/ /ðæn/ /wɒz/ /hɜːr/

Ted, I'm desperate.

Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff

/ˈɜːrliər/ /təˈdeɪ/ /sɔː/ /ðæt/

and I got a partial for Marshall.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/

Did you bang that girl yet?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /jɛt/

Don't get your hopes, or anything else, up.

/ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɛls/ /ʌp/

I tried to connect with her,

/kəˈnɛkt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

but everything just comes back

/bʌt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /dʒʌst/ /bæk/

to her weird fetish about how old I am.

/hɜːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /haʊ/ /oʊld/

Well, j-just go simple-- does she like TV?

/wɛl/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/ /dʌz/ /ʃiː/ /laɪk/

No.

/noʊ/

But I'll watch 60 Minutes with you

/bʌt/ /wɒtʃ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

as loud and as long as you want.

/laʊd/ /ænd/ /lɔːŋ/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

Sports?

/spɔːrts/

No. Ko lun.

/noʊ/

But I bet you look super hot playing shuffleboard,

/bʌt/ /bɛt/ /juː/ /lʊk/ /ˈsuːpər/ /hɒt/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/

just... slathered in Bengay.

/dʒʌst/

Well, does she like books?

/wɛl/ /dʌz/ /ʃiː/ /laɪk/

No. Ko.

/noʊ/

But I bet you do.

/bʌt/ /bɛt/ /juː/ /duː/

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I bet you have a big, thick

/bɛt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /bɪɡ/ /θɪk/

pair of bifocals.

She doesn't have daddy issues, she has granddaddy issues.

/ʃiː/ /hæv/ /ˈdædi/ /ʃiː/ /hæz/

I'm ending it.

/ɪt/

Ted, I beg of you, don't quit on a body that won't quit.

/juː/ /kwɪt/ /ɒn/ /ˈbɒdi/ /ðæt/ /kwɪt/

Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet on a bumper sticker.

/ɡoʊ/ /swiːt/ /ɒn/

That's going in the journal.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈdʒɜːrnəl/

Wait, did you steal my dream journal?

/weɪt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /stiːl/ /maɪ/ /driːm/ /ˈdʒɜːrnəl/

No! Now, get back in there before all your teeth fall out

/noʊ/ /naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /ðɛr/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ɔːl/ /jʊr/ /tiːθ/ /fɔːl/ /aʊt/

and you're naked in front of Shaker Heights High School

/ænd/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/

in a play you never rehearsed for.

/pleɪ/ /juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /fɔːr/

Bastard!

We don't connect on a single thing. It's over.

/wiː/ /kəˈnɛkt/ /ɒn/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

It's not...

Look, Carly, I got to tell you something.

/lʊk/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

I just, I don't see a future here.

/dʒʌst/ /siː/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/ /hɪr/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

Are you dying?

/juː/

Oh, that is so hot.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /hɒt/

Hey... Hey,

is that R2-D2?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/

Do you like Star Wars?

/duː/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /stɑːr/

I love Star Wars.

/lʌv/ /stɑːr/

Me, too!

/miː/

I mean, I've only seen the new ones.

/miːn/ /ˈoʊnli/ /njuː/

Close enough.

/kloʊs/ /ɪˈnʌf/

So?

Yeah. Yeah.

I knew it! I could feel it.

/njuː/ /ɪt/ /kʊd/ /fiːl/ /ɪt/

It's almost like we were hooking up with her together.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /laɪk/ /wiː/ /wɜːr/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

You felt that, right?

/juː/ /fɛlt/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/

I couldn't have performed if I did.

/hæv/ /ɪf/ /dɪd/

Don't you see, Ted?

/juː/ /siː/

We had a bro-nnection.

/wiː/ /hæd/

All right, I got to know

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /noʊ/

what she looks like-- show me a picture.

/wɒt/ /ʃiː/ /laɪk/ /ʃoʊ/ /miː/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/

Well, normally, I'm above such things,

/wɛl/ /ˈnɔːrməli/ /sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋz/

but it's been a while, and, uh, Teddy's braggin'.

/bʌt/ /waɪl/ /ænd/

Okay, here she is.

/hɪr/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/

Okay. Scrolling up.

/ʌp/

Oh, yeah, those are

/ðoʊz/

"plow me" heels. Nice. Uh-huh.

/miː/ /naɪs/

The knee bruise is encouraging.

/ɪz/

Working our way up to those 20-year-old ta-tas.

/ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /aʊər/ /weɪ/ /ʌp/ /ðoʊz/

Oh... gravity's cruel grasp

/ˈkruːəl/

hasn't found you yet, my sweet perky miracles.

/juː/ /jɛt/ /maɪ/ /swiːt/

Now, let's get a gander at Dirty Girl's face.

/naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /feɪs/

Her face says, "Ready to bone," am I right?

/hɜːr/ /feɪs/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /raɪt/

I say again, am I right?

/seɪ/ /əˈɡɛn/ /raɪt/

That's my half sister.

/maɪ/ /hæf/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

Then you probably shouldn't scroll to the next picture.

/ðɛn/ /juː/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /nɛkst/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/

No!

/noʊ/

That's my sister, Ted!

/maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

Well, look, I didn't know!

/wɛl/ /lʊk/ /noʊ/

None of us even knew you had a sister

/nʌn/ /ʌs/ /ˈiːvən/ /njuː/ /juː/ /hæd/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

until two years ago, including you!

/ənˈtɪl/ /tuː/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /juː/

This is just some crazy coincidence.

/ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /ˈkreɪzi/

There are four million women in the city of New York,

/ðɛr/ /ˈmɪljən/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /ˈsɪt.i/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Ted, and you sleep with my sister?

/ænd/ /juː/ /sliːp/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

Why would the universe do that to me?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /miː/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

It's not like you've ever treated women in such a way

/laɪk/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /sʌtʃ/ /weɪ/

that would invite some sort of karmic retribution.

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /ɪnˈvaɪt/ /sʌm/ /sɔːrt/

You banged my sister!

/juː/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

My sweet, little, innocent...

/maɪ/ /swiːt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈɪnəsənt/

Pierced. Really? Where?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɛr/

Don't answer that! Now I know

/ˈæn.sər/ /ðæt/ /naʊ/ /noʊ/

why I felt everything you did to her last night.

/waɪ/ /fɛlt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /hɜːr/ /læst/ /naɪt/

It wasn't a bro-nnection, it was a sis-nnection!

/ɪt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

Ted... did you...

/dɪd/ /juː/

Big-time.

Nice! High five!

/naɪs/ /haɪ/ /faɪv/

Wait! No! No!

/weɪt/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Retraction five!

/faɪv/

Hey, hey, you're the one who begged for a proxy bang.

/huː/ /fɔːr/

And while we're on the subject of family,

/ænd/ /waɪl/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌbdʒɪkt/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

I'm pretty sure you banged my mom-- mom beats sister.

/ˈprɪti/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /mɒm/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

I never banged your mom.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/

You just did the winking thing again!

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /dɪd/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈɡɛn/

No, I didn't.

/noʊ/

Fine. Hey, Barney, let me ask you something.

/faɪn/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /æsk/ /juː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Were you, uh, feeling a little sore this morning?

/wɜːr/ /juː/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /sɔːr/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Especially...

/ɪˈspɛʃəli/

Friendship over!

/ˈfrɛndʃɪp/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Who's your guitar-player-biker- who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa-

/jʊr/

but-said-screw-it- and-went-medium bad boy?

/bæd/ /bɔɪ/

Marshall, your hand!

/jʊr/ /hænd/

Okay, I'm pretty sure it wasn't that bad,

/ˈprɪti/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /bæd/

but this is how Uncle Marshall likes to tell the story.

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /haʊ/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /tɛl/ /ˈstɔːri/

Oh, yeah, no, that's the cuff.

/noʊ/

I'm woozy, and I can't flex my fingers...

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈfɪŋɡərz/

...and the rotten fish smell is getting stronger.

/ænd/ /fɪʃ/ /smɛl/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

But I'm learning to compensate with my left.

/bʌt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /lɛft/

Is that why last night when I asked you to honka honka me

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /waɪ/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /miː/

you only honka'd me?

/juː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /miː/

I didn't think you noticed.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/

Snap's been jealous of Crackle all day.

/ˈdʒɛləs/ /ɔːl/ /deɪ/

Just take the cuff off.

/dʒʌst/ /teɪk/ /ɒf/

No, but, baby, then all the sex will stop.

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ðɛn/ /ɔːl/ /sɛks/ /wɪl/ /stɒp/

Marshall, you don't need a cuff for me to find you sexy.

/juː/ /niːd/ /fɔːr/ /miː/ /faɪnd/ /juː/

All you have to do

/ɔːl/ /juː/ /hæv/ /duː/

is smile, and I'm ready for you to hop on Pop.

/ɪz/ /smaɪl/ /ænd/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /fɔːr/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /pɒp/

Thanks, baby.

/ˈbeɪbi/

Are you too woozy to do it one last time

/juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /læst/ /taɪm/

before we seek emergency medical attention?

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /wiː/ /ɪˈmɜːrdʒənsi/ /ˈmɛdɪkl/

Only one way to find out.

/ˈoʊnli/ /weɪ/ /faɪnd/ /aʊt/

I'm sorry, bro, I totally overreacted.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /broʊ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/

You think? I can't believe

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /bɪˈliːv/

you're allowed to ship a dead possum.

/dɛd/

He died?

/hiː/ /daɪd/

That possum was supposed to be an olive branch.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/

Are you sure he's not just playing dead?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /dɛd/

He smells like Marshall's hand.

/hiː/ /laɪk/ /hænd/

And wait, you-you forgive me?

/ænd/ /weɪt/ /fərˈɡɪv/ /miː/

Absolutely. Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars."

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ˈkʌpəl/

Get over here!

/ɡɛt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /hɪr/

All right. So, where are those "cee-gars"?

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /wɛr/ /ðoʊz/

Eh, we'll break 'em out in a minute.

/breɪk/ /aʊt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Hey, Barn. Hey, Barn.

Ted? Ted?

Barney, what is your sister doing here?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈsɪs.tər/ /hɪr/

Nothing, bro. Or should I say,

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /broʊ/ /ʃʊd/ /seɪ/

bro-in-law!

Congratulations!

/kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/

You're marrying my sister!

/ˈmæriɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

And you spared no expense, you big crazy!

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈkreɪzi/

You know what? I love Barney,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /lʌv/

but this ring thing sucks.

/bʌt/ /rɪŋ/ /θɪŋ/

Some gross guy just brushed up against my rack

/sʌm/ /ɡaɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌp/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /maɪ/

and then apologized.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/

And I think he really, really meant it.

/ænd/ /θɪŋk/ /hiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɪt/

Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers,

/ˈswiːti/ /noʊ/ /naɪs/ /biː/

but nothing beats the rush you get

/bʌt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/

when that one special person looks at you.

/wɛn/ /ðæt/ /ˈspɛʃəl/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /juː/

It's true.

/truː/

Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see,

/laɪk/ /hɪr/ /bɑːr/ /ˈoʊnli/ /θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /siː/

and I see her brighter and more clearly

/ænd/ /siː/ /hɜːr/ /ænd/ /mɔːr/ /ˈklɪərli/

than anything else in this world.

/ðæn/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɛls/ /wɜːrld/

You know what that is?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

That's love.

/lʌv/

And possibly alcohol

/ænd/

mixed with some very powerful antibiotics.

/wɪð/ /sʌm/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈpaʊərfəl/

And that's how Barney sees you.

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /juː/

And I know that's how you see Barney.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /siː/

I'd like to start the service

/laɪk/ /stɑːrt/

with a passage from Ted's dream journal.

/wɪð/ /driːm/ /ˈdʒɜːrnəl/

"Drowning.

"Gasping for air.

/fɔːr/ /ɛr/

No escape."

/noʊ/ /ɪˈskeɪp/

Wait, is that about Vietnam?

/weɪt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˌviː.ɛtˈnɑːm/

It's about Whole Foods.

/əˈbaʊt/ /hoʊl/

Barney. Barney.

We are not getting married.

/wiː/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/

And those aisles are too narrow!

/ænd/ /ðoʊz/

But you two have to get married--

/bʌt/ /juː/ /tuː/ /hæv/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

otherwise, it's just a cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stand.

/dʒʌst/ /tʃiːp/ /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/ /stænd/

Wait, just to be clear, you're saying you're opposed

/weɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /klɪər/

to cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stands?

/tʃiːp/ /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/

Yes.

Barney... don't you see?

/juː/ /siː/

Your detox is done!

/jʊr/ /ɪz/ /dʌn/

You're over one-night stands!

/ˈoʊ.vər/

Oh, my God, you're right!

/maɪ/ /raɪt/

I'm free! Yeah.

/friː/

So if you think about it-- but not too much--

/ɪf/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/ /bʌt/ /mʌtʃ/

it's actually good that Carly and I hooked up.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ɡʊd/ /ðæt/ /ænd/ /hʊkt/ /ʌp/

Yeah, it's really good.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡʊd/

I mean, this guy goes at it like he's still in his 50s.

/miːn/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɡoʊz/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/ /hɪz/

Hey, have a cigar, you big crazy!

/hæv/ /juː/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Hey, don't try to make this okay.

/traɪ/ /meɪk/

You still slept with my sister.

/juː/ /slɛpt/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/

Promise me you will never, ever do that again.

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /miː/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /əˈɡɛn/

I promise.

/ˈprɒm.ɪs/

You just winked.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/

No, I didn't.

/noʊ/

You did it again! No, I didn't!

/juː/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /noʊ/

You swear, right?

/juː/ /swɛər/ /raɪt/

Yeah. Of course.

/kɔːrs/

Hey. That night,

/ðæt/ /naɪt/

even though she still couldn't get a beer,

/ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /ʃiː/ /ɡɛt/ /bɪər/

Robin realized the true power of the ring.

/ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /truː/ /ˈpaʊər/ /rɪŋ/

Hey, Robin. Hey, Robin.

Did you ever figure out how you're gonna get

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /aʊt/ /haʊ/ /ɡɛt/

a drink at the bar now that you're engaged?