Season 8 · Tập 14

Kids, sometimes when you're about to give up

/kɪdz/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /wɛn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɪv/ /ʌp/

on your love life forever for the 17th time,

/ɒn/ /jʊr/ /lʌv/ /laɪf/ /fərˈɛvər/ /fɔːr/ /taɪm/

destiny intervenes.

Instead of rushing in, I took my time

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /tʊk/ /maɪ/ /taɪm/

to think up the perfect opening line.

/θɪŋk/ /ʌp/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /laɪn/

Wait, no, damn it, come back! You're really...

/weɪt/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /kʌm/ /bæk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

You're pretty!

/ˈprɪti/

And before I could call out after her,

/ænd/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /kʊd/ /kɔːl/ /aʊt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /hɜːr/

in any kind of embarrassing way

/ˈɛn.i/ /kaɪnd/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/ /weɪ/

that a bunch of teenagers made fun of for the next five stops

/ðæt/ /fʌn/ /fɔːr/ /nɛkst/ /faɪv/

while I stared straight ahead and pretended not to hear them,

/waɪl/ /streɪt/ /ænd/ /hɪr/ /ðɛm/

she was gone.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ɡɔːn/

But here's the thing about Ted Mosby:

/bʌt/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/

he doesn't give up.

/hiː/ /ɡɪv/ /ʌp/

Stalker Ted alert.

Repeat, Stalker Ted alert.

/rɪˈpiːt/

Already has a yellow legal pad going.

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hæz/ /ˈjɛloʊ/ /ˈliːɡəl/ /pæd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Repeat, already has a yellow legal pad going.

/rɪˈpiːt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hæz/ /ˈjɛloʊ/ /ˈliːɡəl/ /pæd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

I'm not stalking.

I just jotted down a few details

/dʒʌst/ /daʊn/ /fjuː/

to help me find her.

/hɛlp/ /miː/ /faɪnd/ /hɜːr/

Uh, like the fact

/laɪk/ /fækt/

that her smile was cute,

/ðæt/ /hɜːr/ /smaɪl/ /wɒz/ /kjuːt/

but a bit crooked,

/bʌt/

which can be a sign of teeth grinding.

/wɪtʃ/ /kæn/ /biː/ /saɪn/ /tiːθ/

So I called up the city's

/ʌp/

top five TMJ specialists,

/tɒp/ /faɪv/

and here's where it gets interesting.

/ænd/ /wɛr/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/

Not interesting, Ted, creepy.

/ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/ /ˈkriːpi/

Let her go.

/lɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ɡoʊ/

No, this is destiny.

/noʊ/ /ɪz/

No, Ted, this is forcing it.

/noʊ/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

When Lily and I met, I mean, that was destiny.

/wɛn/ /ænd/ /miːn/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/

She could've knocked on any door

/ʃiː/ /ɒn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /dɔːr/

to find someone to fix her stereo,

/faɪnd/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /fɪks/ /hɜːr/

but she knocked on mine.

/bʌt/ /ʃiː/ /ɒn/ /maɪn/

Now hand over the pad.

/naʊ/ /hænd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /pæd/

Ted... Ted...

And the backup pad.

/ænd/ /pæd/

They were right.

/ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /raɪt/

You can't force destiny.

/juː/ /fɔːrs/

If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.

/ɪf/ /ˈhæpən/ /ˈhæpən/

And funny story, kids...

/ænd/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /ˈstɔːri/ /kɪdz/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

It's you.

/juː/

...it happened.

/ɪt/ /ˈhæpənd/

Subway Girl's name is Jeanette,

/ˈsʌbweɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

and she does grind her teeth.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /dʌz/ /hɜːr/ /tiːθ/

I assume that started the moment she met you?

/ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /ʃiː/ /juː/

Uh, well, the fact is

/wɛl/ /fækt/ /ɪz/

she wanted to find me.

/ʃiː/ /faɪnd/ /miː/

The first thing I did

/fɜːrst/ /θɪŋ/ /dɪd/

was list out all the details

/wɒz/ /lɪst/ /aʊt/ /ɔːl/

I remembered about you.

/əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

Is... is that a yellow legal pad?

/ɪz/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ˈjɛloʊ/ /ˈliːɡəl/ /pæd/

Yeah.

I've even got a backup.

/ˈiːvən/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

You had a tweed blazer

/juː/ /hæd/

and chalk all over your hands,

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /jʊr/ /hændz/

so I figured you were either a professor

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /prəˈfɛsər/

or a British gymnast.

I'm bloody good on the pommel 'orse.

/ɡʊd/ /ɒn/

Regrettin' this accent.

Can't seem to stop.

/siːm/ /stɒp/

So then I asked the lady at the student center

/ðɛn/ /ˈleɪdi/ /ˈstuː.dənt/

where I could find the youngest,

/wɛr/ /kʊd/ /faɪnd/

cutest professor on staff.

/prəˈfɛsər/ /ɒn/ /stæf/

And...?

/ænd/

She sent me to a physics class.

/ʃiː/ /sɛnt/ /miː/ /ˈfɪzɪks/ /klæs/

Professor Leyborne?

/prəˈfɛsər/

I wonder if she'd think Dr. Goodhair was so cute

/ˈwʌndər/ /ɪf/ /θɪŋk/ /wɒz/ /kjuːt/

if she knew he hasn't been published in over a year?

/ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /njuː/ /hiː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /jɪr/

Then she sent me here,

/ðɛn/ /ʃiː/ /sɛnt/ /miː/ /hɪr/

but the security guard wouldn't let me in

/bʌt/ /sɪˈkjʊərɪti/ /lɛt/ /miː/

without an ID.

/wɪˈðaʊt/

I was about to give up

/wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɪv/ /ʌp/

when the fire alarm just sent you out.

/wɛn/ /faɪər/ /dʒʌst/ /sɛnt/ /juː/ /aʊt/

It was like...

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /laɪk/

Destiny.

Right? Right?

/raɪt/ /raɪt/

It's a meet-cute.

It's a stalk-crazy.

Look...

/lʊk/

there's a fine line

/faɪn/ /laɪn/

between love and insanity.

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /lʌv/ /ænd/

It's...

the Dobler-Dahmer theory.

/ˈθɪəri/

Oh, no...

/noʊ/

- Damn, I always forget the little one. - All right.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

If both people are into each other,

/ɪf/ /boʊθ/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

a big romantic gesture works.

/bɪɡ/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/ /wɜːrks/

Like Lloyd Dobler holding up the boom box

/laɪk/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /bɒks/

outside Diane Court's window in Say Anything.

/ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/ /seɪ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

But if one person

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

isn't into the other,

/ˈʌð.ər/

the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy,

/seɪm/ /ɒf/ /ˈkreɪzi/

or Dahmer.

Now, Marshall, the story of

/naʊ/ /ˈstɔːri/

how you asked out Lily is super sweet.

/haʊ/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /ɪz/ /ˈsuːpər/ /swiːt/

♪ Lily, how you thrill me

/haʊ/ /juː/ /miː/

♪ But it may just even kill me

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /meɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈiːvən/ /kɪl/ /miː/

♪ If you do not say "I will-y"

/ɪf/ /juː/ /duː/ /seɪ/

♪ To this question

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

♪ Will you go out with me?

/wɪl/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /miː/

I will-y.

Dobler. Dobler.

But if Lily wasn't into you?

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /juː/

♪ Lily, how you thrill me

/haʊ/ /juː/ /miː/

♪ But it might just even kill me ♪

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /maɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈiːvən/ /kɪl/ /miː/

♪ If you do not say "I will-y"

/ɪf/ /juː/ /duː/ /seɪ/

♪ To this question

/ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

♪ Will you go out with me?

/wɪl/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Dahmer. Dahmer.

Whether a gesture's charming or alarming

/ˈwɛðər/

depends on how it's received.

/ɒn/ /haʊ/

And I was charmed by Jeanette finding me,

/ænd/ /wɒz/ /ˈfaɪndɪŋ/ /miː/

hence... she's a Dobler.

Don't you think it's a little convenient

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

how that fire alarm happened to randomly go off?

/haʊ/ /ðæt/ /faɪər/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒf/

What are you saying?

/wɒt/ /juː/

Ted, does she have enormous cans?

/dʌz/ /ʃiː/ /hæv/

No. Then what we're saying is

/noʊ/ /ðɛn/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/

she's a crazy stalker bitch who pulled that fire alarm

/ˈkreɪzi/ /huː/ /ðæt/ /faɪər/

and you should run screaming.

/ænd/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /rʌn/ /ˈskriːmɪŋ/

You know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I-I don't think

/θɪŋk/

that we should be so cavalier

/ðæt/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/

with the word "stalker."

/wɪð/ /wɜːrd/

Why does that word bother you so much?

/waɪ/ /dʌz/ /ðæt/ /wɜːrd/ /ˈbɒðər/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/

Doesn't bother me.

/ˈbɒðər/ /miː/

Wait... do you have a stalker?

/weɪt/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/

I don't want to talk about this.

/wɒnt/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

What do you mean?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /miːn/

As your fiancé, if you have

/jʊr/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /hæv/

some psycho stalker out there, I should know.

/sʌm/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /ʃʊd/ /noʊ/

It was me.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /miː/

I was a stalker.

/wɒz/

It was back in Canada.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /bæk/ /ˈkænədə/

I liked a guy

/ɡaɪ/

and he didn't like me, and...

/ænd/ /hiː/ /laɪk/ /miː/ /ænd/

well, I got a little obsessed.

/wɛl/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

I'd fill up my journals all about him,

/fɪl/ /ʌp/ /maɪ/ /ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɪm/

and eventually there may have been

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /meɪ/ /hæv/

a teensy-weensy 50-meter restraining order.

/ˈɔːrdər/

50 meters?

That's like...

/laɪk/

four years.

Wow. Wow.

You must have been a total nutbag.

/juː/ /mʌst/ /hæv/

I wasn't.

Ted is right,

/ɪz/ /raɪt/

there is a fine line.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /faɪn/ /laɪn/

Anyone can cross it and get obsessed.

/ˈɛniwʌn/ /kæn/ /krɒs/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/

Yeah, if you're a total nutbag.

/ɪf/

Now, uh... who's the guy?

/naʊ/ /ɡaɪ/

I'm not telling you until you admit

/juː/ /ənˈtɪl/ /juː/ /ədˈmɪt/

that this can happen to anybody.

/ðæt/ /kæn/ /ˈhæpən/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/

I'm not admitting that.

/ðæt/

Fine. Forget it. I'm not telling you.

/faɪn/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /ɪt/ /juː/

Fine. Forgotten.

/faɪn/

"You are so beautiful.

/juː/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

"Why can't you see me?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /siː/ /miː/

"Someday, I'll make you see me

/meɪk/ /juː/ /siː/ /miː/

"and we'll be together.

/ænd/ /biː/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

"P.S. I love you. "P.S. I love you."

/lʌv/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /juː/

This is "ridikilus."

/ɪz/

Who cares who she was obsessed with?

/huː/ /kɛrz/ /huː/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /wɪð/

What, am I gonna go to Canada and track this guy down?

/wɒt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈkænədə/ /ænd/ /ɡaɪ/ /daʊn/

Thankfully,

unlike Uncle Barney, I wasn't the kind of guy

/ˈʌŋkəl/ /kaɪnd/ /ɡaɪ/

to fixate on one little detail.

/ɒn/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

That fire alarm-- did you pull it?

/ðæt/ /faɪər/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /pʊl/ /ɪt/

Ugh... Ugh...

/ʌɡ/ /ʌɡ/

This is embarrassing.

/ɪz/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

I wasn't gonna tell you this, but...

/tɛl/ /juː/ /bʌt/

I'd come so far,

/kʌm/ /fɑːr/

only to be sent packing by that security guard,

/ˈoʊnli/ /biː/ /sɛnt/ /ˈpækɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /sɪˈkjʊərɪti/

and... well...

/ænd/ /wɛl/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I just couldn't stand the idea

/dʒʌst/ /stænd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

of not meeting you.

/ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /juː/

Could not

/kʊd/

stand the idea

/stænd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

of not meeting me.

/ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /miː/

Was it a little

/wɒz/ /ɪt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

over the top to pull that fire alarm? Perhaps.

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /tɒp/ /pʊl/ /ðæt/ /faɪər/ /pərˈhæps/

But it charmed me.

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /miː/

Hence... Dobler.

Aha! You see?

/juː/ /siː/

People don't put fire alarms

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /pʊt/ /faɪər/

out in front lobbies for just anyone to prank pull.

/aʊt/ /fɔːr/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /pʊl/

They put smoke detectors

/ðeɪ/ /pʊt/ /smoʊk/

up on the ceiling.

/ʌp/ /ɒn/ /ˈsiːlɪŋ/

Hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

I'm beginning to think that you guys didn't come here

/θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /kʌm/ /hɪr/

to see my new lectern.

/siː/ /maɪ/ /njuː/

Are you implying Jeanette started a fire?

/juː/ /faɪər/

Dahmer. Dahmer.

Dobler. Dobler.

She's John Cusack,

I'm Ione Skye,

and there is nothing weird about that.

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

Gordie Bellavoh. Gordie Bellavoh.

Thanks again for the free donuts, eh?

/əˈɡɛn/ /fɔːr/ /friː/

So, you up here visiting family?

/juː/ /ʌp/ /hɪr/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

No. I'm not Canadian.

/noʊ/

Not even a quarter Canadian on my father's side.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈkwɔːrtər/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /saɪd/

Shut up.

/ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

We're not talking "aboot" me--

/miː/

about me. Whoa.

/əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

How long did you and Robin date?

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ænd/ /deɪt/

Well, it wasn't really dating.

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

We'd take a sixer of Labatts behind the hydro plant

/teɪk/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/

and she'd let me go under her parka over turtleneck.

/ænd/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈʌndər/ /hɜːr/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Summer love.

/ˈsʌmər/ /lʌv/

Was Robin obsessed with you?

/wɒz/ /wɪð/ /juː/

No. Ko.

/noʊ/

No.

/noʊ/

Robin was way more into this guy named...

/wɒz/ /weɪ/ /mɔːr/ /ɡaɪ/ /neɪmd/

Turk Grimsby. Turk Grimsby.

I hear Robin was obsessed with you?

/hɪr/ /wɒz/ /wɪð/ /juː/

No. We only went out a few times,

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /wɛnt/ /aʊt/ /fjuː/ /taɪmz/

barely knew each other.

/njuː/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

All we talked about

/ɔːl/ /wiː/ /əˈbaʊt/

was her relationship with her mother,

/wɒz/ /hɜːr/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

the gnawing feelings of inadequacy,

/ˈfiːlɪŋz/

all the horrible secrets on that side of the family.

/ɔːl/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /saɪd/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/

But heck, you're her fiancé.

/bʌt/ /hɜːr/

You know all that, right?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /raɪt/

Yeah.

Robin was

/wɒz/

way more into this other guy.

/weɪ/ /mɔːr/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ɡaɪ/

Can't seem to remember his name.

/siːm/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /hɪz/ /neɪm/

Though sometimes a powdered jelly

/ðoʊ/ /ˈsʌm.taɪmz/

can help get the old noodle going.

/kæn/ /hɛlp/ /ɡɛt/ /oʊld/ /ˈnuːdəl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Ah... Ah...

His name's...

/hɪz/

Simon Tremblay. Simon Tremblay.

I should have known.

/ʃʊd/ /hæv/

Eh. Eh.

Thanks for the free donuts.

/fɔːr/ /friː/

They're just donuts!

/dʒʌst/

Okay? They're like two for a loonie-- dollar.

/laɪk/ /tuː/ /fɔːr/

What's happening?

/ˈhæpənɪŋ/

Oh, somebody moosed down all the jellies.

/ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /daʊn/ /ɔːl/

Have you been hanging out with Turk Grimsby?

/hæv/ /juː/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/

So how serious were you and Robin?

/haʊ/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /wɜːr/ /juː/ /ænd/

Well, serious enough to pop the question.

/wɛl/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /pɒp/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

Wow. Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Yeah, sure.

/ʃʊr/

Got down on one goalie pad,

/daʊn/ /ɒn/ /pæd/

I said, "Robin,

/sɛd/

could we keep dating but I get to stick it to other babes?"

/kʊd/ /wiː/ /kiːp/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /ɡɛt/ /stɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Turned me down.

/miː/ /daʊn/

I'm so sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Oh, that's okay.

I really wanted to stick it to Louise Marsh.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /stɪk/ /ɪt/

Still, as the years pass,

/pæs/

and you take stock of your life,

/ænd/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

part of me wishes I could've kept sticking it to Robin, too.

/pɑːrt/ /miː/ /ɪt/

So are you the one that Robin stalked?

/juː/ /ðæt/

Oh, that story goes back to the 1996 Grey Cup.

/ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ɡoʊz/ /bæk/ /kʌp/

What in God's name is that?

/wɒt/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Only Canada's Super Bowl.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈsuːpər/ /boʊl/

Didn't you ever see

/juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /siː/

Underneath the Tunes phim "Underneath the Tunes"

on MuchMusic?

/ɒn/

Again, I have to go with:

/əˈɡɛn/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/

what in God's name is that?

/wɒt/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

It's only Canada's VH1 Behind the Music.

/ˈoʊnli/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/

There's one all about Robin Sparkles.

/ɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/

Tells you the whole story from "A" to zed.

/juː/ /hoʊl/ /ˈstɔːri/

Are you gonna take your...?

/juː/ /teɪk/ /jʊr/

Kids, relationships are built on trust.

/kɪdz/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪps/ /bɪlt/ /ɒn/ /trʌst/

So unlike Uncle Barney,

/ˈʌŋkəl/

I wasn't gonna keep digging and digging...

/kiːp/ /ænd/

Did you start a fire?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /stɑːrt/ /faɪər/

Ugh... Ugh...

/ʌɡ/ /ʌɡ/

This is embarrassing.

/ɪz/ /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/

I wasn't gonna tell you this, but...

/tɛl/ /juː/ /bʌt/

I'd come so far,

/kʌm/ /fɑːr/

only to be sent packing by that security guard,

/ˈoʊnli/ /biː/ /sɛnt/ /ˈpækɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /sɪˈkjʊərɪti/

and... well...

/ænd/ /wɛl/

I'm sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I just couldn't stand the idea

/dʒʌst/ /stænd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

of not meeting you.

/ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /juː/

Could not

/kʊd/

stand the idea

/stænd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

of not meeting me.

/ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /miː/

She set a fire, Ted!

/ʃiː/ /sɛt/ /faɪər/

Dahmer. Dahmer.

You're just jealous 'cause Lily

/dʒʌst/ /ˈdʒɛləs/ /kɔːz/

never burned anything for you.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Clearly you never tried her pot roast.

/ˈklɪərli/ /juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hɜːr/ /pɒt/ /roʊst/

I actually brought this

/ˈæktʃuəli/

for something totally different,

/fɔːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈdɪfrənt/

but it worked out, right?

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrkt/ /aʊt/ /raɪt/

Okay, anyway,

/ˈɛniweɪ/

here's my thing.

/maɪ/ /θɪŋ/

Ladies and gentlemen,

/ænd/

I have in my back pocket

/hæv/ /maɪ/ /bæk/

the answer to the question

/ˈæn.sər/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

"Who was Robin obsessed with?"

/huː/ /wɒz/ /wɪð/

Hang on tight.

/ɒn/ /taɪt/

It's Robin Sparkles 4, y'all!

With her jelly bracelets, graffiti coat,

/wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /koʊt/

and totally rad robot, no one

/ænd/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /ˈroʊbɒt/ /noʊ/

symbolized the 1990s in Canada like Robin Sparkles.

/ˈkænədə/ /laɪk/

But as we'd all learn one heartbreaking Grey Cup Sunday,

/bʌt/ /ɔːl/ /lɜːrn/ /kʌp/ /ˈsʌndeɪ/

Canada's sweetheart had a dark side.

/hæd/ /dɑːrk/ /saɪd/

I'll never forget that moment.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

A little piece of Canada died that day.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /piːs/ /ˈkænədə/ /daɪd/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/

To see her throw her life away like that...

/siː/ /hɜːr/ /θroʊ/ /hɜːr/ /laɪf/ /əˈweɪ/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

...it was heartbreaking.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

I am so happy right now.

/ˈhæp.i/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I want to see her throw her life away so badly.

/wɒnt/ /siː/ /hɜːr/ /θroʊ/ /hɜːr/ /laɪf/ /əˈweɪ/

Yeah.

We're all terrible people-- turn it up.

/ɔːl/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /tɜːrn/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/

Sparkles' hit records...

...both went maple with "Mall" eventually going double maple.

/boʊθ/ /wɛnt/ /wɪð/ /mɔːl/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈdʌbəl/

I never admitted this till now, but before a big game,

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /naʊ/ /bʌt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /bɪɡ/ /ɡeɪm/

I'd listen to "Sand Castles in the Sand"

/ˈlɪs.ən/

and get a good cry on.

/ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /ɡʊd/ /kraɪ/ /ɒn/

I'm not ashamed.

But after endless touring, Robin started to crack.

/bʌt/ /ˈæf.tər/

Who doesn't love the mall?

/huː/ /lʌv/ /mɔːl/

Shopping with your friends and...

/wɪð/ /jʊr/ /frɛndz/ /ænd/

I can't do this.

/duː/

Get this out of my face, please.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /feɪs/ /pliːz/

Thank you, pardon me, thanks, sorry.

/juː/ /miː/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Even when Canadians are mean, they're polite.

/ˈiːvən/ /wɛn/ /miːn/ /pəˈlaɪt/

Her record producer Chuck "Chuck" Gerusi.

/hɜːr/ /rɪˈkɔːrd/

Robin Sparkles was big.

/wɒz/ /bɪɡ/

Gino Vannelli big, who I discovered by the way.

/bɪɡ/ /huː/ /weɪ/

Robin's next song,

/nɛkst/ /sɒŋ/

"P.S. I Love You," was so dark

/lʌv/ /juː/ /wɒz/ /dɑːrk/

Dominant Records refused to release it.

/ɪt/

Few have ever seen the long-lost music video,

/fjuː/ /hæv/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/

but we found it.

/bʌt/ /wiː/ /ɪt/

♪ You, you're beautiful

/juː/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

♪ On your pedestal

/ɒn/ /jʊr/

♪ I see you

/siː/ /juː/

♪ You don't see me

/juː/ /siː/ /miː/

♪ Am I just too young

/dʒʌst/ /jʌŋ/

♪ Or just too dumb

/dʒʌst/

♪ Or maybe just too grungy

/ˈmeɪbi/ /dʒʌst/

♪ And I'm wearing my flannel and I'm thinking of you ♪

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /ænd/ /juː/

♪ I lace up my boots

/ʌp/ /maɪ/

♪ And I'm thinking of you...

/ænd/ /juː/

This is the most

/ɪz/ /moʊst/

1990s music video of all time.

/ˈmjuːzɪk/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

All it needs is a shirtless old man

/ɔːl/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /oʊld/ /mæn/

in black and white for no reason.

/blæk/ /ænd/ /fɔːr/ /noʊ/ /ˈriːzən/

♪ I'll never move on, it'll always be you ♪

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /muːv/ /ɒn/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/ /juː/

♪ Every guy that I'm with, I'll be thinking of you ♪

/ˈɛv.ri/ /ɡaɪ/ /ðæt/ /wɪð/ /biː/ /juː/

♪ If I get married, he'll always be second to you ♪

/ɪf/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /juː/

That's got to feel good.

/fiːl/ /ɡʊd/

♪ I'll always be waiting for you ♪

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

♪ P.S. I love you. "P.S. I love you."

/lʌv/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /juː/

In 1996, we booked the halftime show for the Grey Cup.

/wiː/ /ʃoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /kʌp/

Huge gig.

/hjuːdʒ/

We're talking Ivor Wynne Stadium in Hamilton,

/ˈsteɪdiəm/

just outside of Guelph.

/dʒʌst/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

It doesn't get any bigger than that.

/ɪt/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ðæn/ /ðæt/

Hello, Canada.

/ˈkænədə/

I'm Robin Sparkles.

Oh. Oh.

Actually...

/ˈæktʃuəli/

I was Robin Sparkles.

/wɒz/

The whole stadium went silent.

/hoʊl/ /ˈsteɪdiəm/ /wɛnt/

Right then, I knew something terrible was gonna happen.

/raɪt/ /ðɛn/ /njuː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/ /wɒz/ /ˈhæpən/

My stomach started churning.

/maɪ/

But Robin Sparkles is dead.

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /dɛd/

All I could hear was Paul Shaffer's stomach growling.

/ɔːl/ /kʊd/ /hɪr/ /wɒz/

Stress goes to my stomach-- sue me.

/strɛs/ /ɡoʊz/ /maɪ/ /miː/

It was kind of disgusting.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /kaɪnd/ /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/

I'm sorry, Jason Priestley,

/ˈsɒr.i/

I didn't realize you were the Queen of England.

/juː/ /wɜːr/

My new name is...

/maɪ/ /njuː/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

Robin Daggers! Robin Daggers!

Two, three, four!

/tuː/ /θriː/

♪ You, you're beautiful

/juː/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

That day is now

/ðæt/ /deɪ/ /ɪz/ /naʊ/

known in music history as the day grunge was born.

/ˈmjuːzɪk/ /ˈhɪstəri/ /deɪ/ /wɒz/ /bɔːrn/

In 1996, in Canada?

/ˈkænədə/

That seems right, Trebek.

/ðæt/ /raɪt/

Give him a break, he's not a music guy.

/ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /breɪk/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/ /ɡaɪ/

That day is now known in music history

/ðæt/ /deɪ/ /ɪz/ /naʊ/ /ˈmjuːzɪk/ /ˈhɪstəri/

as the day that grunge was born.

/deɪ/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /bɔːrn/

Well, that's a bummer.

/wɛl/

It was tragic.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

I mean, to this day,

/miːn/ /deɪ/

you ask any Canadian where they were

/juː/ /æsk/ /ˈɛn.i/ /wɛr/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/

when Robin Sparkles lost it, not only can they tell you

/wɛn/ /lɒst/ /ɪt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /kæn/ /ðeɪ/ /tɛl/ /juː/

which Tim Hortons they were in, but what donut they were eating.

/wɪtʃ/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /bʌt/ /wɒt/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/

Me? Wawa, Ontario.

/miː/

Blueberry fritter.

Halifax, Nova Scotia. Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Walnut crunch.

Victoriaville, Quebec. Victoriaville, Quebec.

Sour cream plain.

/saʊər/ /kriːm/

Sudbury, Ontario. Sudbury, Ontario.

Honey dip.

/ˈhʌni/

Red Deer, Alberta. Red Deer, Alberta.

/rɛd/ /rɛd/

Chocolate glaze.

/ˈtʃɒklɪt/

Squamish, British Columbia. Squamish, British Columbia.

Crammed a Timbit into a strawberry vanilla

and invented The Priestley.

/ænd/

Should've been the best day of my life.

/bɛst/ /deɪ/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

It was horrifying on so many levels.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /ˈmɛn.i/

Actually, you know what?

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I'm sorry, I can't...

/ˈsɒr.i/

I just can't talk about this.

/dʒʌst/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

I'm out of here, okay? I'm out of here.

/aʊt/ /hɪr/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

Here, excuse me.

/hɪr/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

I'm sorry, will you take...

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /teɪk/

No, no, don't move, I'm out...

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /muːv/ /aʊt/

Sorry, sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Speculation began immediately.

Who was Robin Sparkles singing about

/huː/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/

with those angry, obsessive lyrics?

/wɪð/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈæŋɡri/

Many names were suggested.

/ˈmɛn.i/ /wɜːr/

It wasn't me.

/ɪt/ /miː/

It wasn't me.

/ɪt/ /miː/

Wasn't me.

/miː/

It wasn't me.

/ɪt/ /miː/

It wasn't me.

/ɪt/ /miː/

It wasn't me.

/ɪt/ /miː/

Why does everyone always think

/waɪ/ /dʌz/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /θɪŋk/

it's me?

/miː/

I wish it was me.

/wɪʃ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /miː/

But one name comes up more than any other.

/bʌt/ /neɪm/ /ʌp/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Alan Thicke.

How can I help you?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /hɛlp/ /juː/

Donut?

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa. What happened to you?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /juː/

We watched Robin Sparkles: Underneath the Tunes today.

/wiː/ /wɒtʃt/ /təˈdeɪ/

Wait, what?

/weɪt/ /wɒt/

You guys get MuchMusic down here?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ɡɛt/ /daʊn/ /hɪr/

And that video lead me to...

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈvɪdiˌoʊ/ /liːd/ /miː/

I am engaged to Robin Scherbatsky,

/ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

and I know that she wrote "P.S. I Love You" for you.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /roʊt/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Now-now, why is she so obsessed with you?

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /wɪð/ /juː/

What? That song's not about me.

/wɒt/ /ðæt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

Then who is it "aboot"-- about.

/ðɛn/ /huː/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /əˈbaʊt/

Damn it.

/ɪt/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

I always thought it was Coulier.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /θɔːt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

It wasn't me.

/ɪt/ /miː/

Stop asking.

/stɒp/

Geez, cut it out.

/kʌt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

I always liked that joke.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ðæt/ /dʒoʊk/

Alan Thicke kicked your ass.

/jʊr/

He lied, didn't he?

/hiː/ /laɪd/ /hiː/

It was Alan Thicke!

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

Wow. Wow.

It sounds like you've become

/ɪt/ /laɪk/ /bɪˈkʌm/

a bit obsessed, huh, Barney?

I am not obsessed.

All I did was break into your apartment

/ɔːl/ /dɪd/ /wɒz/ /breɪk/ /jʊr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

and read your teenage journals,

/ænd/ /riːd/ /jʊr/

and fly to Vancouver to interrogate your ex-boyfriends,

/ænd/ /flaɪ/ /jʊr/

and fight beloved Canadian actor Alan Thicke

/ænd/ /faɪt/ /ˈæktər/

to a draw.

/drɔː/

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

So,

ready to admit it?

/ˈrɛd.i/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ɪt/

Anyone can get obsessed.

/ˈɛniwʌn/ /kæn/ /ɡɛt/

Thank you.

/juː/

And now, I am ready to tell you

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /tɛl/ /juː/

who "P.S. I Love You" is about.

/huː/ /lʌv/ /juː/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/

Who? Ai?

/huː/

"P.S." "P.S."

Paul Shaffer. Paul Shaffer.

Paul Shaffer? Paul Shaffer?

I know, so stereotypical.

/noʊ/

Every young Canadian girl fantasizes

/ˈɛv.ri/ /jʌŋ/ /ɡɜːrl/

about being with Paul Shaffer.

/əˈbaʊt/ /wɪð/

At the Grey Cup gig, Paul was sitting in the front row.

/kʌp/ /wɒz/ /roʊ/

♪ I'll always be waiting for you ♪

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /biː/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

No wonder his stomach was growling.

/noʊ/ /ˈwʌndər/ /hɪz/ /wɒz/

I feel bad that I scared Paul.

/fiːl/ /bæd/ /ðæt/ /skɛrd/

He's amazing.

/əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

But I have no regrets.

/bʌt/ /hæv/ /noʊ/

I was done being Robin Sparkles.

/wɒz/ /dʌn/

You're not gonna go get

/ɡoʊ/ /ɡɛt/

beat up by Paul Shaffer now, are you?

/biːt/ /ʌp/ /naʊ/ /juː/

I can't believe it.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ɪt/

I'm a total Dahmer.

Yeah, but you're my Dahmer,

/bʌt/ /maɪ/

which makes you a Dobler.

/wɪtʃ/ /juː/

Just like Jeanette.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/

No, Ted, Ko. Ted

/noʊ/

what that woman did to run in to you was bonkers.

/wɒt/ /ðæt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /dɪd/ /rʌn/ /juː/ /wɒz/

That's just not how you start a healthy relationship.

/dʒʌst/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈhɛlθi/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

Tell him, Lil.

/tɛl/ /hɪm/

I can't stand it anymore.

/stænd/ /ɪt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

I've been living a lie.

/ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /laɪ/

See?

/siː/

I saw you at orientation

/sɔː/ /juː/

and I needed an excuse to meet you,

/ænd/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miːt/ /juː/

so...

Ah! Ah!

I didn't know which room you were in,

/noʊ/ /wɪtʃ/ /ruːm/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

so I had to create a little destiny.

/hæd/ /kriˈeɪt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Okay.