Season 8 · Tập 15

Kids, early in this story, you may recall me saying

/kɪdz/ /ˈɜːr.li/ /ˈstɔːri/ /juː/ /meɪ/ /miː/

something along the lines of...

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /əˈlɒŋ/

Okay, no more dating.

/noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

I am ready to settle down.

/ˈrɛd.i/ /ˈsɛtl/ /daʊn/

And at the time, I probably thought I meant it.

/ænd/ /taɪm/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /θɔːt/ /ɪt/

But, kids, I'll be honest.

/bʌt/ /kɪdz/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/

Being single's fun.

/fʌn/

As a young unattached man in New York City,

/jʌŋ/ /mæn/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

I had a great time.

/hæd/ /ɡreɪt/ /taɪm/

A great time.

/ɡreɪt/ /taɪm/

What was I saying? Oh, yeah.

/wɒt/ /wɒz/

I had such a great time that it took someone very special

/hæd/ /sʌtʃ/ /ɡreɪt/ /taɪm/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/ /tʊk/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ˈspɛʃəl/

to make me want to settle down.

/meɪk/ /miː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈsɛtl/ /daʊn/

And that someone...

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

was Jeanette.

/wɒz/

What made Jeanette so special? Well...

/wɒt/ /ˈspɛʃəl/ /wɛl/

That was a foul!

/ðæt/ /wɒz/

Jeanette was the last girl I dated

/wɒz/ /læst/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/

before I met your mother.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

The girl who finally got me to say...

/ɡɜːrl/ /huː/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /miː/ /seɪ/

No more dating.

/noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

I'm ready to settle down.

/ˈrɛd.i/ /ˈsɛtl/ /daʊn/

...and really mean it.

/ænd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /miːn/ /ɪt/

But let's back up a little bit.

/bʌt/ /bæk/ /ʌp/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

She broke your TV with a beer bottle?

/ʃiː/ /jʊr/ /wɪð/ /bɪər/ /ˈbɒtəl/

In her defense, she was aiming for the window.

/hɜːr/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /fɔːr/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/

Dude, you gotta get rid of this girl.

/juː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɡɜːrl/

Agreed. Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye

/ɡoʊ/

before you get stab-stabbed.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/

Oh, really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

And are you guys saying this because you don't want me

/ænd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/

to be with Jeanette, or because you want me

/biː/ /wɪð/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/

to stay single so you guys can keep your clubhouse?

/steɪ/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /kæn/ /kiːp/ /jʊr/

J'accuse!

I had a point,

/hæd/ /pɔɪnt/

and they knew it.

/ænd/ /ðeɪ/ /njuː/ /ɪt/

You see, in early 2013,

/juː/ /siː/ /ˈɜːr.li/

I was the only single guy in the group.

/wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɡruːp/

Which meant whenever Marshall or Barney bought something

/wɪtʃ/ /bɔːt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

they weren't allowed to keep in their apartments...

/ðeɪ/ /kiːp/ /ðɛr/

You know what, Ted? That reminds me.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/ /miː/

I just bought this antique Swiss clock,

/dʒʌst/ /bɔːt/ /klɒk/

but Robin won't let us put it in the apartment,

/bʌt/ /lɛt/ /ʌs/ /pʊt/ /ɪt/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

so I was gonna leave it at your place.

/wɒz/ /liːv/ /ɪt/ /jʊr/ /pleɪs/

Only problem? It's broken.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈprɒbləm/

So I was just gonna sit here and try to fix it

/wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /sɪt/ /hɪr/ /ænd/ /traɪ/ /fɪks/ /ɪt/

while maybe you tell us what you and Jeanette did last night?

/waɪl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /ʌs/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /ænd/ /dɪd/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Okay. Well, uh, Jeanette is a big Marilyn Monroe fan.

/wɛl/ /ɪz/ /bɪɡ/ /fæn/

There you go! Now it's working!

/ðɛr/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /naʊ/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/

Sorry. Sorry. Go on. Go on. She's a Marilyn Monroe fan

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/ /fæn/

so I guess you watched one of her movies?

/ɡɛs/ /juː/ /wɒtʃt/ /hɜːr/

Uh, No, we had a séance.

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /hæd/

Look at that! Good as new.

/lʊk/ /ðæt/ /ɡʊd/ /njuː/

Anyway, were you able to contact Marilyn

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /wɜːr/ /juː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /ˈkɒntækt/

in the spirit world?

/wɜːrld/

No. We talked to her cat.

/noʊ/ /wiː/ /hɜːr/ /kæt/

Screw loose! That's the problem.

/skruː/ /ˈprɒbləm/

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Looks like somebody's hungry.

/laɪk/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/

I'm gonna get his food ready.

/ɡɛt/ /hɪz/ /fuːd/ /ˈrɛd.i/

Robin, can you grab him?

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɡræb/ /hɪm/

Can I? Try and stop me!

/kæn/ /traɪ/ /ænd/ /stɒp/ /miː/

Now, kids, what Lily didn't realize--

/naʊ/ /kɪdz/ /wɒt/

what none of us realized, in fact-- was that

/wɒt/ /nʌn/ /ʌs/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /fækt/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/

in the eight months since your cousin Marvin was born,

/eɪt/ /sɪns/ /jʊr/ /ˈkʌzɪn/ /wɒz/ /bɔːrn/

Robin had never once held him.

/hæd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wʌns/ /hɪm/

The truth was, the thought of holding him terrified her,

/truːθ/ /wɒz/ /θɔːt/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /hɪm/ /hɜːr/

so she had always avoided it, ever so discreetly.

/ʃiː/ /hæd/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Can you hold... Oh, shoot! Look at that!

/kæn/ /juː/ /hoʊld/ /ʃuːt/ /lʊk/ /ðæt/

Oh, geez.

I got him.

/hɪm/

Come here, you little munchkin.

/kʌm/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Aw, man...

/mæn/

Oh, well, I call next.

/wɛl/ /kɔːl/ /nɛkst/

Well, I should go. It's time for Jeanette's... something.

/wɛl/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Time for Jeanette's what, Ted?

/taɪm/ /fɔːr/ /wɒt/

Uh, we're taking her dog to an exorcist.

/hɜːr/ /dɔːɡ/

Wow, Ted, that sounds...

/ðæt/

Crap, it's really broken now.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /naʊ/

Okay, fine. I admit it. She's crazy.

/faɪn/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ɪt/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Obviously.

/ˈɒbviəsli/

But I'm not in this for the long haul.

/bʌt/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/

It's just, you know, it's just fun.

/dʒʌst/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /fʌn/

Of course it's fun, at first.

/kɔːrs/ /fʌn/ /fɜːrst/

But then when she starts calling out the name of her

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /neɪm/ /hɜːr/

high school science teacher in the throes of passion,

/haɪ/ /skuːl/ /ˈtiː.tʃər/

it's really fun.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /fʌn/

But then when she starts bringing knives into bed

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /ˈbrɪŋɪŋ/ /bɛd/

and making you fear for your safety?

/ænd/ /juː/ /fɪər/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/

It's really, really fun.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /fʌn/

But then when she starts unbuttoning your pants

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /jʊr/ /pænts/

while you're being forced to drive blindfolded

/waɪl/ /draɪv/

down the freeway with a gun pointed at your...

/daʊn/ /wɪð/ /ɡʌn/ /jʊr/

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /wiː/ /əˈbaʊt/

Jeanette. Jeanette.

Oh, right. That girl's crazy.

/raɪt/ /ðæt/ /ˈkreɪzi/

You gotta break up with her. I know.

/juː/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /noʊ/

I know. You're right. I-I have to break up with her.

/noʊ/ /raɪt/ /hæv/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

I should do it in a public place, though,

/ʃʊd/ /duː/ /ɪt/ /ˈpʌblɪk/ /pleɪs/ /ðoʊ/

so she doesn't flip out.

/ʃiː/ /aʊt/

So the next night, I met her in a public place

/nɛkst/ /naɪt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈpʌblɪk/ /pleɪs/

so she wouldn't flip out.

/ʃiː/ /aʊt/

I will kill you, ref!

/wɪl/ /kɪl/ /juː/

I will kill you in front of all these people!

/wɪl/ /kɪl/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

Oh, boy. What, you think I won't

/bɔɪ/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

just 'cause I'm in a public place?!

/dʒʌst/ /kɔːz/ /ˈpʌblɪk/ /pleɪs/

I'll go to jail for the rest of my life if I have to!

/ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/ /rɛst/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /ɪf/ /hæv/

Listen, before the game starts, I think we need to talk.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ɡeɪm/ /θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/

I can't believe Ted's dead.

/bɪˈliːv/ /dɛd/

I know.

/noʊ/

What a way to go.

/wɒt/ /weɪ/ /ɡoʊ/

Killed by a bazooka.

/kɪld/

All right, all right, so I'm not on my game today.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ɡeɪm/ /təˈdeɪ/

Anyway...

/ˈɛniweɪ/

I gotta hop out for a bit.

/aʊt/ /fɔːr/

You guys stay here.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /steɪ/ /hɪr/

Oh, and, um, if Jeanette comes by,

/ænd/ /ɪf/

do not let her into the apartment.

/duː/ /lɛt/ /hɜːr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Don't let her in. Got it.

/lɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ɪt/

Guys, this is serious. This girl is like bedbugs.

/ɡaɪz/ /ɪz/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/

Once she's in the apartment, there's no getting her out.

/wʌns/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /noʊ/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /aʊt/

Ted, buddy,

/ˈbʌdi/

how long have we been dealing

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /hæv/ /wiː/

with Barney's insane girlfriends? Years.

/wɪð/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

Nigh on a decade!

/ɒn/

I had to testify in five competency hearings.

/hæd/ /faɪv/

I think we can handle Jeanette.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ˈhændl/

Okay, okay.

See you soon.

/siː/ /juː/ /suːn/

That kid. Am I right?

/ðæt/ /kɪd/ /raɪt/

Now look who forgot his keys.

/naʊ/ /lʊk/ /huː/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /hɪz/ /kiːz/

What is it?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Meanwhile, Lily and Robin were out getting lunch,

/ænd/ /wɜːr/ /aʊt/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /lʌntʃ/

when disaster struck.

/wɛn/ /dɪˈzæstər/

Oh, God, I left his binky on that bus!

/lɛft/ /hɪz/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /bʌs/

Wait. Don't you have other binkies?

/weɪt/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ˈʌð.ər/

That one's his favorite! He'll know the difference!

/ðæt/ /hɪz/ /ˈfeɪvərɪt/ /noʊ/

I'm not gonna let this be the reason

/lɛt/ /biː/ /ˈriːzən/

he resents me later in life!

/hiː/ /miː/ /ˈleɪtər/ /laɪf/

If he starts crying, just pick him up!

/ɪf/ /hiː/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/ /dʒʌst/ /pɪk/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/

What? Uh, uh...

/wɒt/

Okay, okay. Yeah, there, there, there. Okay.

/ðɛr/ /ðɛr/ /ðɛr/

Hey, I'm back. Did I miss anything?

/bæk/ /dɪd/ /mɪs/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

Nope.

Did Jeanette come by?

/dɪd/ /kʌm/

Jeanette? I know lots of Jeanettes.

/noʊ/

Um... Um...

Guys! Okay, she came by

/ɡaɪz/ /ʃiː/

because she forgot her book.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ʃiː/ /fərˈɡɒt/ /hɜːr/ /bʊk/

So we let her go up in your room and get it.

/wiː/ /lɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ɡoʊ/ /ʌp/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/ /ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

And then?

/ænd/ /ðɛn/

And then what?

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wɒt/

And then she left?

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ʃiː/ /lɛft/

I think she left.

/θɪŋk/ /ʃiː/ /lɛft/

Are you sure she left?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /ʃiː/ /lɛft/

I am... 90% sure...

/ʃʊr/

that she left.

/ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /lɛft/

80 percent.

/pərˈsɛnt/

Actually, I'm gonna change my answer.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /maɪ/ /ˈæn.sər/

I am now starting to think she never left,

/naʊ/ /θɪŋk/ /ʃiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /lɛft/

and instead she barricaded herself in your room.

/ænd/ /ɪnˈstɛd/ /ʃiː/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/

And I'm never coming out!

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /aʊt/

A hundred percent.

/ˈhʌndrəd/ /pərˈsɛnt/

I cannot believe you guys!

/bɪˈliːv/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Well, maybe if you had given us a warning that she was crazy!

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /hæd/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/ /ʌs/ /ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Dude, it's okay.

She can't stay in there forever.

/ʃiː/ /steɪ/ /ðɛr/ /fərˈɛvər/

She'll have to come out to eat and drink

/hæv/ /kʌm/ /aʊt/ /iːt/ /ænd/ /drɪŋk/

and go to the bathroom, right?

/ænd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈbæθruːm/ /raɪt/

Now, a few months earlier,

/naʊ/ /fjuː/ /ˈɜːrliər/

the East Coast had been hit by a bad storm,

/iːst/ /koʊst/ /hæd/ /bæd/ /stɔːrm/

and some intelligent, forward-thinking

/ænd/ /sʌm/

New Yorkers took it as a wake-up call,

/njuː/ /tʊk/ /ɪt/ /kɔːl/

making sure to stock their bedrooms with enough

/ʃʊr/ /ðɛr/ /wɪð/ /ɪˈnʌf/

food and water to last months,

/fuːd/ /ænd/ /ˈwɔː.tər/ /læst/

not to mention a portable waste management system.

/ˈmɛnʃən/ /weɪst/ /ˈmænɪdʒmənt/ /ˈsɪstəm/

It was really the smart thing to do.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /smɑːrt/ /θɪŋ/ /duː/

You dumbass!

/juː/

Really, Ted. How could you be so unbelievably stupid?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /biː/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

No, no, you guys are the ones who invited

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /huː/

a vampire into my apartment! This is your fault!

/maɪ/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /fɔːlt/

And P.S., if this disaster

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /dɪˈzæstər/

had been a superstorm instead of a hot lunatic,

/hæd/ /ɪnˈstɛd/ /hɒt/

you'd all be begging to eat my freeze-dried protein paste

/ɔːl/ /biː/ /iːt/ /maɪ/

and crap in my biohazard bucket. Just sayin'.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /dʒʌst/

I got it.

/ɪt/

It was on the floor of the bus.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /flɔːr/ /bʌs/

I should probably throw it out. Eh.

/ʃʊd/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /θroʊ/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

Did he give you any problems?

/dɪd/ /hiː/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈɛn.i/

He cried a little, but then he stopped.

/hiː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /hiː/

Oh, good. Anything else happen?

/ɡʊd/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ɛls/ /ˈhæpən/

Nope.

That... is... it.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

All gone!

/ɔːl/ /ɡɔːn/

We have to do this more often.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /duː/ /mɔːr/ /ˈɔː.fən/

Oh, we totally do.

/wiː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /duː/

I can't believe Marvin's in kindergarten.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/

He's growing up so fast.

/ˈɡroʊɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /fæst/

Can I confess something to you?

/kæn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/

Remember the day you left Marvin's binky on the bus

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /deɪ/ /juː/ /lɛft/ /ɒn/ /bʌs/

and you left me alone with him? Yeah.

/ænd/ /juː/ /lɛft/ /miː/ /əˈloʊn/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

Well, I didn't tell you this at the time, but...

/wɛl/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /taɪm/ /bʌt/

Okay, okay. Yeah, there, there, there.

/ðɛr/ /ðɛr/ /ðɛr/

Okay, shh, shh.

Oh, no, it looks like somebody's not happy.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ˈhæp.i/

No kidding. I'm miserable.

/noʊ/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

Listen to this thing.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /θɪŋ/

He probably just wants to be held.

/hiː/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/

I think you're right.

/θɪŋk/ /raɪt/

Can you do it?

/kæn/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

All right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Come here, handsome. Oh. Yeah.

/kʌm/ /hɪr/

Yes.

Oh.

I let a stranger pick up Marvin. I'm sorry.

/lɛt/ /pɪk/ /ʌp/ /ˈsɒr.i/

It's just, I hadn't actually picked him up

/dʒʌst/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/

at that point, and I was scared, so...

/ðæt/ /pɔɪnt/ /ænd/ /wɒz/ /skɛrd/

You know what? It was four years ago.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /əˈɡoʊ/

He's obviously fine. Don't even worry about it.

/ˈɒbviəsli/ /faɪn/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Really? Yeah.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Thank you.

/juː/

I mean, as long as there's not more to that story.

/miːn/ /lɔːŋ/ /mɔːr/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/

Nope. That... is... it.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Jeanette, you have to leave!

/juː/ /hæv/ /liːv/

In a minute!

/ˈmɪn.ɪt/

I still haven't found that book!

/ðæt/ /bʊk/

Listen, Jeanette, I didn't want to do this,

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /wɒnt/ /duː/

but I called the police. They're on their way.

/bʌt/ /ɒn/ /ðɛr/ /weɪ/

All units, all units.

/ɔːl/ /ɔːl/

Possible 10-90 in progress

/ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

at 521 West 82nd, apartment 15.

/wɛst/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

Where's that coming from?

/ðæt/

Is that you, Dolores?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /juː/

Jeanette? Hey, girl. How you been?

/ɡɜːrl/ /haʊ/ /juː/

Oh, you know, I'm just doing me.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /miː/

Anyway, I'll check out that 10-90.

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/

Okay, but remember...

/bʌt/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

I know, no excessive force.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /fɔːrs/

Last thing I need is another suspension, am I right?

/læst/ /θɪŋ/ /niːd/ /ɪz/ /əˈnʌðər/ /raɪt/

And that, kids, was how I found out

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /kɪdz/ /wɒz/ /haʊ/ /aʊt/

what Jeanette did for a living.

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/

Wait a second.

/weɪt/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

Is she a cop?!

/ɪz/ /ʃiː/

I think she's a cop!

/θɪŋk/

Did you know she was a cop?!

/dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/

I didn't know she was a cop!

/noʊ/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/

Ted, I'm sorry I have to say this-- Jeanette lives here now.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hæv/ /seɪ/ /hɪr/ /naʊ/

This is her place. You're gonna have to leave.

/ɪz/ /hɜːr/ /pleɪs/ /hæv/ /liːv/

What?

/wɒt/

Why don't you have to leave?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /liːv/

They can stay.

/ðeɪ/ /kæn/ /steɪ/

Thank you, Officer Jeanette. Thank you, Officer Jeanette.

/juː/ /juː/

All gone.

/ɔːl/ /ɡɔːn/

We need to do this more often.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /duː/ /mɔːr/ /ˈɔː.fən/

We totally do. I can't believe

/wiː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /duː/ /bɪˈliːv/

Marvin's in middle school.

/ˈmɪdəl/ /skuːl/

Oh, he's growing up so fast.

/ˈɡroʊɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /fæst/

Can I confess something to you?

/kæn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/

Remember that day you left Marvin's binky

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/ /deɪ/ /juː/ /lɛft/

on the bus and I let that old lady pick him up?

/ɒn/ /bʌs/ /ænd/ /lɛt/ /ðæt/ /oʊld/ /ˈleɪdi/ /pɪk/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/

I seem to recall that was the entire story.

/siːm/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /ˈstɔːri/

There's a little bit more.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/

There, there, little one.

/ðɛr/ /ðɛr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Let's put you back in your strolly-poo,

/pʊt/ /juː/ /bæk/ /jʊr/

so you can drift off to dreamy-dreamy land.

/juː/ /kæn/ /ɒf/ /lænd/

Oh, thank you so much.

/juː/ /mʌtʃ/

Yeah, this is my first time alone with him,

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /əˈloʊn/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

and, you know, um, I have this weird feeling that I'm gonna,

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /hæv/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/ /ðæt/

I don't know, like, drop him or injure him in some way,

/noʊ/ /laɪk/ /drɒp/ /hɪm/ /hɪm/ /sʌm/ /weɪ/

which is completely insane.

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /kəmˈpliːtli/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

But... Oh, heavens.

/bʌt/

Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

I know, I'm so sorry.

/noʊ/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Well, you know what?

/wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

That was what, 12 years ago?

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /wɒt/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Don't even worry about it.

/ˈiːvən/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Really? Yeah.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Oh, thank you.

/juː/

Just promise me there's no more to that story.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈprɒm.ɪs/ /miː/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/

Nope, that is it.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Are you sure you want to do this?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /duː/

The girl's a cop.

Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea.

/laɪk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bæd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

I don't care.

/kɛr/

I am going into that bedroom

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ˈbɛdruːm/

because this is my home

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /hoʊm/

and I have to defend it.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /ɪt/

But mostly because

/bʌt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

my allergy medication

/maɪ/ /ˈælərɡi/

is in there!

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/

All right, just be careful, okay?

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /ˈkɛr.fəl/

This girl is really crazy.

/ɡɜːrl/ /ɪz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Yeah, why can't she just accept the fact that you guys broke up?

/waɪ/ /ʃiː/ /dʒʌst/ /əkˈsɛpt/ /fækt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ʌp/

I know, I know, why can't she just accept that?

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /ʃiː/ /dʒʌst/ /əkˈsɛpt/ /ðæt/

Why, it's, like, why?

/waɪ/ /laɪk/ /waɪ/

It might be because we didn't actually break up.

/ɪt/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /wiː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/

Aw, man.

/mæn/

Jeanette, come on, that's vintage vinyl.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Ted, did you or didn't you break up

/dɪd/ /juː/ /juː/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/

with Jeanette last night?

/wɪð/ /læst/ /naɪt/

I don't know, it's kind of confusing.

/noʊ/ /kaɪnd/

I think we need to talk.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/

Oh, oh, okay.

I see where this is going.

/siː/ /wɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

You're in love with Lily.

/lʌv/ /wɪð/

That's it, isn't it?

/ɪt/ /ɪt/

What? No, I...

/wɒt/ /noʊ/

Like I should be surprised with her fancy medical degree

/laɪk/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /sərˈpraɪzd/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /ˈmɛdɪkl/ /dɪˈɡriː/

and her sexy Southern drawl.

/ænd/ /hɜːr/

What? She's not...

/wɒt/

Don't talk to me, don't look at me.

/tɔːk/ /miː/ /lʊk/ /miː/

I hate you and I never want to see you again!

/heɪt/ /juː/ /ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /juː/ /əˈɡɛn/

And then things got crazy

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

and we got thrown out of the Barclays Center.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /aʊt/

I don't know, it felt pretty breakup-y.

/noʊ/ /ɪt/ /fɛlt/ /ˈprɪti/

Mm. Anyway,

/ˈɛniweɪ/

we parted on pretty bad terms, so...

/wiː/ /ɒn/ /ˈprɪti/ /bæd/

I kind of thought maybe I could...

/kaɪnd/ /θɔːt/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /kʊd/

Never contact her again and hope she'd take

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈkɒntækt/ /hɜːr/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ænd/ /hoʊp/ /teɪk/

the hint and just leave you alone?

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /liːv/ /juː/ /əˈloʊn/

Barney, give me some credit.

/ɡɪv/ /miː/ /sʌm/

Was that the plan? Yes.

/wɒz/ /ðæt/ /plæn/

All gone. We need to do this more often.

/ɔːl/ /ɡɔːn/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /duː/ /mɔːr/ /ˈɔː.fən/

We totally do.

/wiː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /duː/

I can't believe Marvin's in high school.

/bɪˈliːv/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/

He's growing up so fast.

/ˈɡroʊɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /fæst/

Can I confess something to you? Oh, no. What?

/kæn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

What happened?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

Tell me what you did to my son.

/tɛl/ /miː/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /maɪ/ /sʌn/

This is not going well at all.

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɛl/ /ɔːl/

Oh, honey, you are shaking.

/ˈhʌni/ /juː/

Let's get you out of the cold.

/ɡɛt/ /juː/ /aʊt/ /koʊld/

What's open near here?

/ˈoʊ.pən/ /nɪər/ /hɪr/

You took my infant child to a strip club?

/juː/ /tʊk/ /maɪ/ /ˈɪnfənt/ /tʃaɪld/ /klʌb/

It was just topless.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/

He saw yours all the time anyway.

/hiː/ /sɔː/ /jɔːrz/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

Okay, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that,

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hæv/ /dʌn/ /ðæt/

but that is all there is.

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/

Okay, there is no more to the story.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /ˈstɔːri/

I have now told you everything.

/hæv/ /naʊ/ /toʊld/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

All gone.

/ɔːl/ /ɡɔːn/

We need to do this more often. We totally do.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /duː/ /mɔːr/ /ˈɔː.fən/ /wiː/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /duː/

I can't believe Marvin's driving.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/

He's growing up so fast.

/ˈɡroʊɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /fæst/

Okay, there's one other thing.

/ˈʌð.ər/ /θɪŋ/

What?

/wɒt/

Well, I have to go use the ladies' room.

/wɛl/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /juːz/ /ruːm/

Can you watch him for me?

/kæn/ /juː/ /wɒtʃ/ /hɪm/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Of course.

/kɔːrs/

I could just eat you up.

/kʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /iːt/ /juː/ /ʌp/

You left him with a complete stranger?

/juː/ /lɛft/ /hɪm/ /wɪð/ /kəmˈpliːt/

He could've been...

/hiː/

Robin, how could you? Lily,

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/

please, okay, it was 16 years ago.

/pliːz/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /əˈɡoʊ/

He's fine.

/faɪn/

You're right.

/raɪt/

It's fine.

/faɪn/

God, it feels so good to have gotten this off my chest.

/ɪt/ /fiːlz/ /ɡʊd/ /hæv/ /ɒf/ /maɪ/

Finally it is all on the table.

/ˈfaɪnəli/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /ɒn/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

All secrets are exposed and there is nothing left

/ɔːl/ /ænd/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /lɛft/

to be revealed.

/biː/

All gone. We need to do this more...

/ɔːl/ /ɡɔːn/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /duː/ /mɔːr/

There's more to the story. Damn it, Robin.

/mɔːr/ /ˈstɔːri/ /ɪt/

What could you possibly have left out?

/wɒt/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /hæv/ /lɛft/ /aʊt/

It's just there's, um,

/dʒʌst/

one little detail that I may have slightly altered.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ðæt/ /meɪ/ /hæv/ /ˈslaɪtli/

If he starts crying, just pick him up.

/ɪf/ /hiː/ /ˈkraɪɪŋ/ /dʒʌst/ /pɪk/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/

Yeah, there, there.

/ðɛr/ /ðɛr/

Come on, buddy, shh.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈbʌdi/

Looks like somebody's unhappy.

/laɪk/ /ʌnˈhæpi/

No kidding, I'm miserable.

/noʊ/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

Listen to this thing.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /θɪŋ/

Maybe he needs to be held.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /hiː/ /biː/

I think you're right.

/θɪŋk/ /raɪt/

Can you do it?

/kæn/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Sure.

/ʃʊr/

Come here, handsome.

/kʌm/ /hɪr/

Come here, come here, you handsome devil, you.

/kʌm/ /hɪr/ /kʌm/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /juː/

You're such a beautiful...

/sʌtʃ/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

Aw, you're such a cool dude.

/sʌtʃ/ /kuːl/

Oh, look at you, oh.

/lʊk/ /juː/

All right, there, there, little one, there, there.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/ /ðɛr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ðɛr/ /ðɛr/

Let me put you back in your strolly-poo

/lɛt/ /miː/ /pʊt/ /juː/ /bæk/ /jʊr/

so you can drift off to dreamy-dreamy land.

/juː/ /kæn/ /ɒf/ /lænd/

Okay? All right.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Thank you so much.

/juː/ /mʌtʃ/

Hey, don't worry about it.

/ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

It's my first time alone with him,

/maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /əˈloʊn/ /wɪð/ /hɪm/

and I just have this weird feeling

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/

I'm gonna drop him

/drɒp/ /hɪm/

or injure him in some way.

/hɪm/ /sʌm/ /weɪ/

I know it's completely insane...

/noʊ/ /kəmˈpliːtli/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

Oh, heavens, oh, watch it, no!

/wɒtʃ/ /ɪt/ /noʊ/

No!

/noʊ/

This is not going well at all.

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɛl/ /ɔːl/

Oh, hon, you're shaking.

Let's get out of the cold.

/ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /koʊld/

Is there anything open near here?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /nɪər/ /hɪr/

Hey, I need to go to the ladies' room-- can you watch him for me?

/niːd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ruːm/ /kæn/ /juː/ /wɒtʃ/ /hɪm/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

Of course. I could just eat you up.

/kɔːrs/ /kʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /iːt/ /juː/ /ʌp/

Look at you, yum, yum, yum, yum.

/lʊk/ /juː/

You waited 17 years to tell me

/juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/

that you met the greatest boxer of all time?

/ðæt/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

My son was rocked to sleep by Senator Mike Tyson?

/maɪ/ /sʌn/ /wɒz/ /sliːp/

I wanted to tell you, believe me. How could you...?

/tɛl/ /juː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /miː/ /haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/

Okay, this is the right thing to do.

/ɪz/ /raɪt/ /θɪŋ/ /duː/

You got to go up there and break up with her for real.

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ʌp/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /fɔːr/ /riːl/

And don't worry, if anything happens,

/ænd/ /ˈwʌri/ /ɪf/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənz/

just scream, we'll come rescue you.

/dʒʌst/ /skriːm/ /kʌm/ /juː/

Okay.

Did you guys not hear me screaming up there?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hɪr/ /miː/ /ˈskriːmɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /ðɛr/

Aw, I feel so awful.

/fiːl/

We went to get subs.

/wiː/ /wɛnt/ /ɡɛt/

We got you one though.

/wiː/ /juː/ /ðoʊ/

We didn't get you one.

/wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /juː/

So, Jeanette's squatting in your room?

/jʊr/ /ruːm/

What are you guys doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /hɪr/

We heard you screaming from three blocks away.

/wiː/ /hɜːrd/ /juː/ /ˈskriːmɪŋ/ /θriː/ /əˈweɪ/

Why is she in there?

/waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /ðɛr/

Lily, there is no reason why.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /ˈriːzən/ /waɪ/

That's like asking why is the earth round?

/laɪk/ /waɪ/ /ɪz/ /ɜːrθ/ /raʊnd/

Why does the sun come up in the morning?

/waɪ/ /dʌz/ /sʌn/ /kʌm/ /ʌp/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

What do I do for a living?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /duː/ /fɔːr/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/

There are some questions we're not meant to know the answer to.

/ðɛr/ /sʌm/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /noʊ/ /ˈæn.sər/

Crazy girls are crazy because they're crazy.

/ˈkreɪzi/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I-I don't think it's quite that simple.

/θɪŋk/ /kwaɪt/ /ðæt/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

I was talking

/wɒz/

to a friend of mine about Ted and Jeanette.

/frɛnd/ /maɪn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ænd/

Oh, great, what friend is this?

/ɡreɪt/ /wɒt/ /frɛnd/ /ɪz/

Uh, just this wise old lady that I know.

/dʒʌst/ /waɪz/ /oʊld/ /ˈleɪdi/ /ðæt/ /noʊ/

Here's the thing about crazy.

/θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈkreɪzi/

When a guy sends mixed signals to a girl,

/wɛn/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɡɜːrl/

it takes a toll on her psychological well-being.

/ɪt/ /ɒn/ /hɜːr/

You want to know why a girl acts crazy,

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈkreɪzi/

look at the guy she's dating.

/lʊk/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/

Then you really see some crazy.

/ðɛn/ /juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /siː/ /sʌm/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Trust me.

/trʌst/ /miː/

Are you Mike Tyson?

/juː/

Now, hold on.

/naʊ/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

I've dated tons of crazy girls in my life,

/ˈdeɪtɪd/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

and not once have I ever treated them with anything other than...

/ænd/ /wʌns/ /hæv/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ðɛm/ /wɪð/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ðæn/

Oh, right, I'm a monster.

/raɪt/

Maybe the old lady with the face tattoo is right.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /oʊld/ /ˈleɪdi/ /wɪð/ /feɪs/ /ɪz/ /raɪt/

Maybe the reason Jeanette's acting this way

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈriːzən/ /ˈæktɪŋ/ /weɪ/

is Ted.

/ɪz/

Me? How is this my fault?

/miː/ /haʊ/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /fɔːlt/

Yeah, come on, this is Ted we're talking about.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɪz/ /əˈbaʊt/

I'm sure he didn't do anything to lead her on

/ʃʊr/ /hiː/ /duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /liːd/ /hɜːr/ /ɒn/

or send mixed signals, right, Ted?

/sɛnd/ /raɪt/

Don't talk to me, don't look at me.

/tɔːk/ /miː/ /lʊk/ /miː/

I hate you and I never want to see you again!

/heɪt/ /juː/ /ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /juː/ /əˈɡɛn/

And we got thrown out of the Barclays Center.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /aʊt/

Okay, that's disappointing.

So disappointing.

Seriously.

/ˈsɪəriəsli/

But that was last night. I mean, it's not like...

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /miːn/ /laɪk/

Listen, Jeanette, we really need

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /niːd/

to have a serious talk about our...

/hæv/ /ˈsɪəriəs/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/

So, did Lily leave these boots here

/dɪd/ /liːv/ /ðiːz/ /hɪr/

or was it some other bitch?

/wɒz/ /ɪt/ /sʌm/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Marshall, Barney, help me!

/hɛlp/ /miː/

I don't think they're coming.

/θɪŋk/

I guess not.

/ɡɛs/

It's those red boots.

/ðoʊz/ /rɛd/

They just look sexy on everyone.

/ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /lʊk/ /ɒn/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Okay, Ted, what is with the red boots?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /wɪð/ /rɛd/

You're a smart guy, you've got some taste,

/smɑːrt/ /ɡaɪ/ /sʌm/ /teɪst/

you got a visual sense, I mean,

/juː/ /sɛns/ /miːn/

you're an architect for Pete's sakes.

/ˈɑːrkɪtekt/ /fɔːr/

How can you look at those boots and think...

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /lʊk/ /ðoʊz/ /ænd/ /θɪŋk/

Oh, my God, I'm holding it, I'm holding the baby.

/maɪ/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

What, you've never held him before?

/wɒt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hɪm/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

Uh, tons of times.

/taɪmz/

This-this is not a big moment for me.