Season 8 · Tập 17

This is the life.

/ɪz/ /laɪf/

We got the three B's.

/wiː/ /θriː/

Beach, booze and bodacious babes.

/biːtʃ/ /ænd/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

I'm starting to think we should call the police.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /kɔːl/

Oh, would you relax?

/wʊd/ /juː/ /rɪˈlæks/

We've got it made.

/ɪt/

One whole week at his bodacious beach house,

/hoʊl/ /wiːk/ /hɪz/ /biːtʃ/ /haʊs/

no strings attached.

/noʊ/

Well, there is one string attached.

/wɛl/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/

Hi, Barney.

Bodacious.

"Weekend at Barney's!"

/ˈwiːkɛnd/

What is it? What's wrong?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /rɒŋ/

The plays, Robin, the plays.

/pleɪz/ /pleɪz/

The ingenious techniques I used as a bachelor

/ˈbætʃələr/

to pick up busty dullards.

/pɪk/ /ʌp/

They just keep coming to me; I can't turn them off.

/ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /kiːp/ /miː/ /tɜːrn/ /ðɛm/ /ɒf/

Okay, Barney, let me ease your mind, okay?

/lɛt/ /miː/ /jʊr/ /maɪnd/

All right, here we go.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Remember when you set

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /sɛt/

your Playbook on fire?

/jʊr/ /ɒn/ /faɪər/

That was the moment I realized you were someone I could marry.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /kʊd/ /ˈmæri/

And I'd burn it again if I could.

/ænd/ /bɜːrn/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ɪf/ /kʊd/

You're right.

/raɪt/

I'm done with all these plays.

/dʌn/ /wɪð/ /ɔːl/ /ðiːz/ /pleɪz/

Besides, there's no way I'll ever come up

/noʊ/ /weɪ/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /kʌm/ /ʌp/

with anything that tops "Weekend at Barney's."

/wɪð/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

"Weekend at Barney's Two!"

/ˈwiːkɛnd/ /tuː/

Damn it, Barney!

/ɪt/

So, there's this big

/bɪɡ/

gallery opening tonight.

/ˈɡæləri/ /təˈnaɪt/

Oh, we'd love to, but we've got this, um...

/lʌv/ /bʌt/

Genesis reunion, Madison Square Garden,

/ˈɡɑːr.dən/

front row.

/roʊ/

It's gonna be legend...

/biː/ /ˈlɛdʒənd/

I wasn't inviting you guys.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Oh, thank God. There is no concert.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/ /ˈkɒnsərt/

As the captain's new art buyer,

/njuː/ /ɑːrt/

I have to go schmooze this up-and-coming artist,

/hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈɑːrtɪst/

Strickland Stevens, Strickland Stevens,

so we get first dibs on all his new stuff.

/wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /fɜːrst/ /ɒn/ /ɔːl/ /hɪz/ /njuː/ /stʌf/

And I'll be helping Lily seal the deal

/ænd/ /biː/ /ˈhɛlpɪŋ/ /diːl/

by impressing the intelligentsia

with some art-related hilarity.

/wɪð/ /sʌm/

I've prepared some jokes.

/sʌm/ /dʒoʊks/

Why couldn't the art dealer pay his rent?

/waɪ/ /ɑːrt/ /peɪ/ /hɪz/ /rɛnt/

I don't know. Why?

/noʊ/ /waɪ/

This is gonna be rough.

/ɪz/ /biː/ /rʌf/

Because he ran out of Monet.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /hiː/ /ræn/ /aʊt/

You're gonna get that

/ɡɛt/ /ðæt/

on the walk home. How about this one?

/ɒn/ /wɔːk/ /hoʊm/ /haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

You know what, we'd... we'd love to hear it,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /lʌv/ /hɪr/ /ɪt/

but we've got that, um... that...

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /ðæt/

Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall, backstage pass. Let's go.

/hɔːl/ /pæs/ /ɡoʊ/

We don't want to miss whatever their big song was.

/wiː/ /wɒnt/ /mɪs/ /ðɛr/ /bɪɡ/ /sɒŋ/ /wɒz/

Yeah. Yeah.

Your wedding response card, as promised.

/jʊr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Why didn't you just mail it like everybody else?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /meɪl/ /ɪt/ /laɪk/ /ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /ɛls/

Oh, see, that's sad, Robin.

/siː/ /sæd/

You should be touched that I hand-delivered it.

/juː/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/

Has social media so eroded our interpersonal relationships

/hæz/ /ˈsoʊʃəl/ /ˈmiːdiə/ /aʊər/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪps/

that we no longer wish to experience the...

/ðæt/ /wiː/ /noʊ/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/ /wɪʃ/ /ɪkˈspɪəriəns/

You wanted to keep the stamp?

/juː/ /kiːp/

They're 46 cents now.

/naʊ/

It's getting out of hand.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /hænd/

"Your invitation is joyfully accepted

/jʊr/ /ɪz/

by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette""

/ænd/

Kids, as you'll recall,

/kɪdz/

Jeanette was the last girl I dated

/wɒz/ /læst/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ˈdeɪtɪd/

before I met your mother.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

My friends only had

/maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hæd/

one tiny problem with her.

/ˈtaɪni/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

She was nuts.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /nʌts/

So you're bringing a plus one?

/ˈbrɪŋɪŋ/ /plʌs/

If you count the voices in her head,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kaʊnt/ /hɜːr/ /hɛd/

it's plus five.

/plʌs/ /faɪv/

Guys, I'm bringing her,

/ɡaɪz/ /ˈbrɪŋɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

and you're gonna love having her there.

/ænd/ /lʌv/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /ðɛr/

Oh, and, um, by the way,

/ænd/ /weɪ/

just so this doesn't turn into an argument later,

/dʒʌst/ /tɜːrn/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/ /ˈleɪtər/

the dress she's gonna wear

/drɛs/ /wɛr/

isn't technically white; it's eggshell.

The shoes are white, though.

/ʃuːz/ /ðoʊ/

And the gloves.

/ænd/

And the veil. Well, see you guys.

/ænd/ /wɛl/ /siː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

No, no, no. Mosby! Get...

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ɡɛt/

Oh, my God, what happened?

/maɪ/ /wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

Oh, I trashed your apartment.

/jʊr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

See, I got bored,

/siː/ /bɔːrd/

so I started going through all your e-mails.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /θruː/ /ɔːl/ /jʊr/

Sure. And I found one from a woman

/ʃʊr/ /ænd/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

with the subject line, "big penis orgasms,"

/wɪð/ /ˈsʌbdʒɪkt/ /laɪn/ /bɪɡ/

so naturally, I smashed your plates,

/jʊr/

knifed your mattress, peed in your drawers,

/jʊr/ /jʊr/

the whole nine, but then,

/hoʊl/ /bʌt/ /ðɛn/

while I was upper-decking your toilet,

/waɪl/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/ /ˈtɔɪlɪt/

I actually read the e-mail.

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /riːd/

Turns out it was spam.

/aʊt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

Classic Jeanette, huh?

/ˈklæsɪk/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

You are certifiably insane...

/juː/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

...about me.

/əˈbaʊt/ /miː/

Come here, you knucklehead.

/kʌm/ /hɪr/ /juː/

I can't stay mad at you.

/steɪ/ /mæd/ /juː/

Ted, Ted, I'm breaking up with you.

/ʌp/ /wɪð/ /juː/

You're just

/dʒʌst/

so intense,

and it's all moving way too fast.

/ænd/ /ɔːl/ /weɪ/ /fæst/

Here's your key back.

/jʊr/ /kiː/ /bæk/

I never gave you a key.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡeɪv/ /juː/ /kiː/

And here's your grandmother's ring.

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /rɪŋ/

She was buried wearing this.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/

And just like that,

/ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

it was over.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

I texted Barney and Robin.

/ænd/

I'm sure they're over the moon

/ʃʊr/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

that Jeanette's not coming to the wedding.

/ðæt/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Oh, no, Ted, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

They're not gonna be happy about you being sad.

/biː/ /ˈhæp.i/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /sæd/

They broke up!

/ðeɪ/ /ʌp/

Ted, respectfully,

are you sure that this was the right girl for you?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /raɪt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Of course not.

/kɔːrs/

She was crazy.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Absolutely a nightmare.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/

It's totally not worth the trouble.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /wɜːrθ/ /ˈtrʌbəl/

I mean, no matter how...

/miːn/ /noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /haʊ/

no matter how great the sex was.

/noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /haʊ/ /ɡreɪt/ /sɛks/ /wɒz/

Uh-oh. Stay with us, buddy.

/steɪ/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/ /ˈbʌdi/

No matter how hot and passionate

/noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /haʊ/ /hɒt/ /ænd/

and surprising,

/ænd/ /sərˈpraɪzɪŋ/

possibly illegal...

/ɪˈliːɡəl/

I don't like this. Me, neither.

/laɪk/ /miː/

I'm gonna win her back.

/wɪn/ /hɜːr/ /bæk/

Barney and Robin are gonna be so happy I'm happy.

/ænd/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/ /ˈhæp.i/

I know.

/noʊ/

I know.

/noʊ/

Did you just unhook my bra?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /maɪ/

Shh. There, there.

/ðɛr/ /ðɛr/

That night was the big gallery show.

/ðæt/ /naɪt/ /wɒz/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈɡæləri/ /ʃoʊ/

Hey. I'm so sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I decided to grab a snack from the bodega.

/ɡræb/ /snæk/

Why?

/waɪ/

They'll have food at the gallery.

/hæv/ /fuːd/ /ˈɡæləri/

Oh, come on, these places never have food.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ðiːz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hæv/ /fuːd/

It's fine.

/faɪn/

I got some Skittles.

/sʌm/

That was the last bag of Skittles

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /læst/ /bæɡ/

your Uncle Marshall would ever buy.

/jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /wʊd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /baɪ/

Meanwhile, I headed over to Jeanette's place

/ˈhɛdɪd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /pleɪs/

to win her back.

/wɪn/ /hɜːr/ /bæk/

What the hell?

/wɒt/

I can't let you do this, Ted.

/lɛt/ /juː/ /duː/

I want Jeanette back.

/wɒnt/ /bæk/

Well, then accept my apology.

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /əkˈsɛpt/ /maɪ/

For what?

/fɔːr/ /wɒt/

This.

Ow, ow, ow! Damn it! You're strong.

/ɪt/ /strɒŋ/

That's just from Pilates?

/dʒʌst/

Twice a week.

/wiːk/

Look, I don't want you getting back with Jeanette.

/lʊk/ /wɒnt/ /juː/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /bæk/ /wɪð/

Ted, what is my one rule?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /ruːl/

You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows?

/juː/ /kæn/ /tɛl/ /haʊ/ /oʊld/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ɪz/ /hɜːr/

My other one rule.

/maɪ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ruːl/

Flaxseed relieves upset stomach?

/ʌpˈsɛt/

My other one rule.

/maɪ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ruːl/

Always have a fake pair of concert tickets

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /hæv/ /feɪk/ /ˈkɒnsərt/ /ˈtɪkɪts/

in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid?

/jʊr/ /juː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

My other one rule.

/maɪ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ruːl/

Lebanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there?

/ɡɜːrlz/ /sprɪnt/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /steɪ/ /ðɛr/

My other one rule. New is always better.

/maɪ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ruːl/ /njuː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

New is always better!

/njuː/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Exactly, Ted.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

You want to invite a date to our wedding,

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɪnˈvaɪt/ /deɪt/ /aʊər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

it is not gonna be Jeanette.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /biː/

It is gonna be someone new.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /biː/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /njuː/

And I am gonna help you find her

/ænd/ /hɛlp/ /juː/ /faɪnd/ /hɜːr/

with a little help from...

/wɪð/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /hɛlp/

The Playbook.

The Playbook?

Didn't you burn that?

/juː/ /bɜːrn/ /ðæt/

Oh, I didn't burn the real one.

/bɜːrn/ /riːl/

That was the ceremonial playbook

/ðæt/ /wɒz/

for parades,

/fɔːr/

mall openings,

/mɔːl/

inaugurations, stuff like that.

/stʌf/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

That's a pretty big secret to keep from Robin.

/ˈprɪti/ /bɪɡ/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /kiːp/

Which is exactly why I'm trusting you,

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /waɪ/ /juː/

my best bro, to never let her know

/maɪ/ /bɛst/ /broʊ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /lɛt/ /hɜːr/ /noʊ/

that the Playbook still exists.

/ðæt/

Pinky swear?

/swɛər/

Fine.

/faɪn/

Wow. Wow.

See, I told you.

/siː/ /toʊld/ /juː/

Thank God I snuck in this bag of goodness.

/bæɡ/

There's Strickland Stevens.

Wow. Wow.

Even his scarf is up-and-coming.

/ˈiːvən/ /hɪz/ /ɪz/

Are you gonna be okay by yourself for a few minutes?

/juː/ /biː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /fɔːr/ /fjuː/

Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?

/kɔːrs/ /waɪ/ /biː/

Well, you're sitting on an $80,000 sculpture.

/wɛl/ /ɒn/ /ˈskʌlptʃər/

For 80 grand,

/fɔːr/

you'd think it would be more comfortable.

/θɪŋk/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /mɔːr/ /ˈkʌmftəbl/

Lil, I'll be fine.

/biː/ /faɪn/

Do you know who you're talking to?

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /huː/

In high school, I was voted most outgoing

/haɪ/ /skuːl/ /wɒz/ /moʊst/

freshman, sophomore and senior year.

/ˈfrɛʃmən/ /ænd/ /ˈsiːniər/ /jɪr/

What happened junior year?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /jɪr/

Egdud Ferhaki, Egdud Ferhaki,

that outgoing son of a bitch.

/ðæt/ /sʌn/

He beat you for most outgoing?

/hiː/ /biːt/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /moʊst/

Huh? Oh, no, we tied.

/noʊ/ /wiː/

Look, the point is, I can make friends anywhere, even here.

/lʊk/ /pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /kæn/ /meɪk/ /frɛndz/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/ /ˈiːvən/ /hɪr/

Thanks, baby. You got it.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /juː/ /ɪt/

Hey, excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Listen.

/ˈlɪs.ən/

Do you think that you would enjoy a show

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /wʊd/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /ʃoʊ/

featuring Donatello, Raphael,

Michelangelo and Leonardo?

/ænd/

Sound like you're a fan

/saʊnd/ /laɪk/ /fæn/

of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Gotcha. Skin it.

/skɪn/ /ɪt/

He will get that on the drive home.

/hiː/ /wɪl/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /ɒn/ /draɪv/ /hoʊm/

He didn't.

/hiː/

Fireworks? Yeah.

Everything in there is a prop we'll need for tonight.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /niːd/ /fɔːr/ /təˈnaɪt/

Everything.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

All right, here's how this is going down.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /haʊ/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /daʊn/

You'll be wearing this earpiece and microphone.

/biː/ /ænd/

I'll be staked out here, telling you exactly what to say,

/biː/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /seɪ/

so just stay focused and you'll be fine.

/dʒʌst/ /steɪ/ /ænd/ /biː/ /faɪn/

Which play are we gonna run first?

/wɪtʃ/ /pleɪ/ /wiː/ /rʌn/ /fɜːrst/

How about the "Weekend at Barney's"?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

Oh, Ted, your first day at the salon,

/jʊr/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/

and you want to do a cut and color?

/ænd/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /duː/ /kʌt/ /ænd/ /ˈkʌlər/

No.

/noʊ/

Tonight we're gonna start off with...

/təˈnaɪt/ /stɑːrt/ /ɒf/ /wɪð/

Ice Man to Neruda.

/aɪs/ /mæn/

Ice Man to Neruda.

/aɪs/ /mæn/

Bogey at 10:00,

and she is packing two fully-operational

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/ /ˈpækɪŋ/ /tuː/

sweater stretchers.

That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar, bravo, Sierra.

Possible delta cups.

/ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

Copy that. Engaging target.

/ˈkɒpi/ /ðæt/

Over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /hæv/ /fɔːr/

Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/ /hæv/ /fɔːr/

Are you Lisa? Are you Lisa?

/juː/ /juː/

Uh, no.

/noʊ/

But you must be.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /mʌst/ /biː/

I was told to...

/wɒz/ /toʊld/

...deliver this package to a girl named Lisa,

/dɪˈlɪvər/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/ /ɡɜːrl/ /neɪmd/

and that I'd recognize her because she'd be...

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /hɜːr/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /biː/

The most beautiful girl in this bar.

/moʊst/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/ /ɡɜːrl/ /bɑːr/

So, here's your delivery,

/jʊr/

Lisa. Lisa.

Uh, I am definitely not Lisa,

/ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/

but I would be happy to help you find her.

/bʌt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ˈhæp.i/ /hɛlp/ /juː/ /faɪnd/ /hɜːr/

Great, and then maybe later...

/ɡreɪt/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈleɪtər/

I could give you a different package-- my penis.

/kʊd/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/ /maɪ/

That is a terrible line!

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/ /laɪn/

You said it wrong.

/juː/ /sɛd/ /ɪt/ /rɒŋ/

I did not say it wrong.

/dɪd/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /rɒŋ/

My penis. My penis.

/maɪ/ /maɪ/

No. My penis. - Sai. - My penis.

/noʊ/ /maɪ/ /maɪ/

Still not right. My penis, my penis, my penis!

/raɪt/ /maɪ/ /maɪ/ /maɪ/

Hello.

This sucks.

I can't get near Strickland.

/ɡɛt/ /nɪər/

At least Marshall's having a good time.

/liːst/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/ /taɪm/

Man, he always knows just the right thing to say.

/mæn/ /hiː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /raɪt/ /θɪŋ/ /seɪ/

For a gay guy, Andy Warhol sure liked cans.

/fɔːr/ /ɡaɪ/ /ʃʊr/

This sucks.

Maybe I've lost my charm.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /lɒst/ /maɪ/

No, Marshall,

/noʊ/

if Lily's gonna make it in this fancy art world,

/ɪf/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɑːrt/ /wɜːrld/

you're gonna have to make it, too, so suck it up,

/hæv/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/

stop sitting on the art,

/stɒp/ /ɒn/ /ɑːrt/

and bust out the "A" material.

/ænd/ /aʊt/

You two keep chugging like that,

/juː/ /tuː/ /kiːp/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

you're gonna have to

/hæv/

Vincent van go to the bathroom, am I right?

/væn/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈbæθruːm/ /raɪt/

It's pronounced van Gogh.

/væn/

Oh, "blogh" me.

/miː/

I still don't get why someone would leave the hospital

/ɡɛt/ /waɪ/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /wʊd/ /liːv/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/

without changing into their clothes first. Over.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /ðɛr/ /kloʊðz/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Ted, this is my thing.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /θɪŋ/

So just... okay?

/dʒʌst/

Over. Over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Okay? Over. Okay? Over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Are you all right?

/juː/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

What? Oh.

/wɒt/

Yes, yes, I'm fine.

/faɪn/

Tomorrow, I'm...

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/

donating a kidney to my best friend.

/maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/

My best friend Barney.

/maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/

Not Marshall.

Barney. Barney.

Marshall's so lame.

Anyway, uh...

/ˈɛniweɪ/

just wanted to grab one last drink, in case...

/dʒʌst/ /ɡræb/ /læst/ /drɪŋk/

you know, I don't make it.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/

You are so brave.

/juː/ /breɪv/

Hey, listen.

/ˈlɪs.ən/

Before I give my best friend this organ, how about...

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ɡɪv/ /maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /ˈɔːrɡən/ /haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

Nope.

Nope, I'm not saying that.

/ðæt/

I did hear you,

/dɪd/ /hɪr/ /juː/

but I'm not saying that.

/bʌt/ /ðæt/

Because I'm not.

/bɪˈkɔːz/

Are you okay?

/juː/

One second. I know you put a lot of work into this.

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /pʊt/ /lɒt/ /wɜːrk/

I understand that.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /ðæt/

I understand that.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /ðæt/

I understand that.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /ðæt/

I understand that.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /ðæt/

Why can't I just talk to her?

/waɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /tɔːk/ /hɜːr/

Maybe we'll hit it off...

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ɪt/ /ɒf/

Fine.

/faɪn/

Copy that.

/ˈkɒpi/ /ðæt/

How about I give you a different organ?

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /ˈɔːrɡən/

My penis. My penis.

/maɪ/ /maɪ/

You said it wrong.

/juː/ /sɛd/ /ɪt/ /rɒŋ/

I did not say it wrong!

/dɪd/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /rɒŋ/

Thank you all so much for coming.

/juː/ /ɔːl/ /mʌtʃ/ /fɔːr/

If you'll indulge me,

/ɪf/ /miː/

I would like to share a story

/wʊd/ /laɪk/ /ʃɛr/ /ˈstɔːri/

about my dearly departed grandmother.

/əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈɡrændmʌðər/

Oh, God. Oh, God.

News flash, Johnny Ascot:

/njuːz/

Lots of people have dead grandmas.

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /hæv/ /dɛd/

No, Marshall.

/noʊ/

Don't be bitter.

/biː/ /ˈbɪtər/

You're here for Lily.

/hɪr/ /fɔːr/

Just look at her, so professional.

/dʒʌst/ /lʊk/ /hɜːr/ /prəˈfɛʃənl/

She hasn't sat on a single piece of art.

/ʃiː/ /sæt/ /ɒn/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /piːs/ /ɑːrt/

You're gonna ride this thing out with dignity for Lily.

/raɪd/ /θɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /fɔːr/

Not one more thing that might embarrass her.

/mɔːr/ /θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /maɪt/ /hɜːr/

I will simply stand here.

/wɪl/ /ˈsɪmpli/ /stænd/ /hɪr/

Perfectly invisible.

And so I dedicate this show

/ænd/ /ʃoʊ/

to my grandmother's memory.

/maɪ/ /ˈmɛməri/

Now...

/naʊ/

please join me in honoring her

/pliːz/ /dʒɔɪn/ /miː/ /hɜːr/

with 60 seconds of absolute silence.

/wɪð/

Okay, Neruda, this play is

/pleɪ/ /ɪz/

extremely complicated.

/ɪkˈstriːmli/

Let me guess. Does it involve me

/lɛt/ /miː/ /ɡɛs/ /dʌz/ /ɪt/ /ɪnˈvɒlv/ /miː/

saying "my penis" in a Scottish accent?

/maɪ/

Now you're gettin' it, laddie!

/naʊ/ /ɪt/

Hey! Hey!

Robin. What are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

I was curious as to whether

/wɒz/ /ˈwɛðər/

you found Ted a date to our wedding

/juː/ /deɪt/ /aʊər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

who was a little less, you know, Antichrist-y.

/huː/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /lɛs/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Is that the Playbook?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/

No, Robin, that is a couch.

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /kaʊtʃ/

Oh, you mean the Playbook on the couch?

/juː/ /miːn/ /ɒn/ /kaʊtʃ/

I can explain.

/kæn/ /ɪkˈspleɪn/

Don't bother.

/ˈbɒðər/

I can ex... Uh, Ted? Uh...

/kæn/

I got to step away from mission control for a sec.

/stɛp/ /əˈweɪ/ /kənˈtroʊl/ /fɔːr/

Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.

/duː/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /waɪl/ /ɡɔːn/

Robin... Robin...

Robin, wait.

/weɪt/

Um... shoot. I haven't figured out

/ʃuːt/ /aʊt/

what I'm gonna say yet. Keep going.

/wɒt/ /seɪ/ /jɛt/ /kiːp/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Robin, wait.

/weɪt/

Look, I'm sorry that I still have the Playbook.

/lʊk/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /ðæt/ /hæv/

It's just, it's filled with a lifetime of great ideas.

/dʒʌst/ /wɪð/ /ɡreɪt/

Am I supposed to just leave all that behind?

/səˈpoʊzd/ /dʒʌst/ /liːv/ /ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/

Yes. But...

/bʌt/

"Weekend at Barney's"!

/ˈwiːkɛnd/

Okay, what is that?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Explain the "Weekend at Barney's" to me.

/ɪkˈspleɪn/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/ /miː/

What's to explain?

/ɪkˈspleɪn/

I play a dead guy,

/pleɪ/ /dɛd/ /ɡaɪ/

and Ted and Marshall carry me around.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /miː/ /əˈraʊnd/

Okay. And based on that, girls want to sleep with you.

/ænd/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /wɒnt/ /sliːp/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Big time. But you're dead.

/bɪɡ/ /taɪm/ /bʌt/ /dɛd/

Yeah. Except not really, obviously.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈɒbviəsli/

But the girl thinks you're dead.

/bʌt/ /ɡɜːrl/ /dɛd/

No, she thinks I'm alive.

/noʊ/ /ʃiː/ /əˈlaɪv/

Which you are. Exactly.

/wɪtʃ/ /juː/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

Except you're dead. Exactly.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /dɛd/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

Except you're alive. Exactly.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /əˈlaɪv/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

Okay, so instead of... of being an alive person

/ɪnˈstɛd/ /əˈlaɪv/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

pretending to be a dead person

/biː/ /dɛd/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

pretending to be an alive person,

/biː/ /əˈlaɪv/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

why not just be an alive person?

/waɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /əˈlaɪv/ /ˈpɜːrsən/

Okay, let's start from the beginning.

/stɑːrt/

The movie is called Weekend at Bernie's.

/ˈmuːvi/ /ɪz/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

My name is Barney.

/maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈswiːti/

I don't know if you heard,

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /hɜːrd/

but I dropped some Skittles.

/bʌt/ /sʌm/

Do you know what, I'm just gonna

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /dʒʌst/

go home before I make things worse.

/ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /meɪk/ /θɪŋz/ /wɜːrs/

You're not going anywhere.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

We're a team.

/tiːm/

You stuck by me

/juː/ /stʌk/ /miː/

after my nip slip

/ˈæf.tər/ /maɪ/

at your law school graduation.

/jʊr/ /lɔː/ /skuːl/ /ˌɡrædʒuˈeɪʃən/

And after my nip slip at the GNB Christmas party.

/ænd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /maɪ/ /ˈkrɪsməs/ /ˈpɑːrti/

And after my nip slip

/ænd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /maɪ/

at the Honeywell and Coots Family Fun Day.

/ænd/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /fʌn/ /deɪ/

I don't know why you keep wearing that top.

/noʊ/ /waɪ/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /ðæt/ /tɒp/

All right, I'll stay put,

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /steɪ/ /pʊt/

but I'm keeping my mouth shut.

/bʌt/ /maɪ/ /maʊθ/ /ʃʌt/

No more jokes, no more candy,

/noʊ/ /mɔːr/ /dʒoʊks/ /noʊ/ /mɔːr/

no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

/noʊ/ /mɔːr/

Hey, are you guys talking Ninja Turtles?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/

I'm a huge TMNT fan.

/hjuːdʒ/ /fæn/

I grew up on those comic books.

/ʌp/ /ɒn/ /ðoʊz/

Me, too! I was obsessed.

/miː/ /wɒz/

Did you know that the original comic debuted

/dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /əˈrɪdʒɪnəl/

in 1984 at a convention in New Hampshire?

/njuː/

Uh, yes.

Did you know that Eastman and Laird always had their doubts

/dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ænd/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /hæd/ /ðɛr/

about their characters being commercialized?

/əˈbaʊt/ /ðɛr/

Yes!

Did you know that the painting on the back wall

/dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ˈpeɪntɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /bæk/ /wɔːl/

is inspired by Master Splinter?

/ɪz/ /ˈmæstər/

Oh, the one of the rat doing karate.

/kəˈrɑːti/

I see it now.

/siː/ /ɪt/ /naʊ/

Hey, I'm Strickland.

Hey. Marshall.

And this is my wife, Lily, who, as a matter of fact,

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/ /huː/ /ˈmætər/ /fækt/

happens to represent one of the biggest art collectors

/ˈhæpənz/ /ɑːrt/

in New York City.

/njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

I love your work.

/lʌv/ /jʊr/ /wɜːrk/

It's great to see you getting some recognition.

/ɡreɪt/ /siː/ /juː/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /sʌm/

Thank you. It's been a long haul.

/juː/ /lɔːŋ/

The first painting I ever sold,

/fɜːrst/ /ˈpeɪntɪŋ/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /soʊld/

I used the money to get my car fixed.

/ˈmʌn.i/ /ɡɛt/ /maɪ/ /kɑːr/

You might say...

/juː/ /maɪt/ /seɪ/

I used it to make my van go.

/ɪt/ /meɪk/ /maɪ/ /væn/ /ɡoʊ/

That's...

Um, a little something called rigor mortis?

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Oh, come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Are you really this mad about a book?

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /mæd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /bʊk/

You really think that this is just about a book, Barney?

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈbaʊt/ /bʊk/

You lied to me.

/juː/ /laɪd/ /miː/

If we're gonna be in a marriage

/ɪf/ /biː/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

and trust each other, you can't lie to me ever.

/ænd/ /trʌst/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /juː/ /laɪ/ /miː/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Well, that's just great.

/wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡreɪt/

Because, in case you haven't noticed these last eight years,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /ðiːz/ /læst/ /eɪt/

lying is what I do best.

/ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /bɛst/

I'm a magician, Robin.

Misdirection and deceit are my stock in trade.

/ænd/ /maɪ/

You don't want me to lie to you?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /laɪ/ /juː/

Lies are the reason that we're together.

/ˈriːzən/ /ðæt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Everything single thing I did

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /θɪŋ/ /dɪd/

to get you to say yes to me on that rooftop--

/ɡɛt/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /miː/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/

Patrice, the false engagement, everything--

/fɔːls/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒmənt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

it was all utter malarkey.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɔːl/

But...

/bʌt/

underneath all of those lies

/ɔːl/ /ðoʊz/

is one true thing.

/ɪz/ /truː/ /θɪŋ/

One true thing that can support the weight

/truː/ /θɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /kæn/ /səˈpɔːrt/

of all the lies in the world, and...

/ɔːl/ /wɜːrld/ /ænd/

and that's the fact that I love you.

/ænd/ /fækt/ /ðæt/ /lʌv/ /juː/

And you know

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/

that when I say that...

/ðæt/ /wɛn/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

I am not lying.

/ˈlaɪɪŋ/

Did you just unhook my bra again?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /maɪ/ /əˈɡɛn/

Jeanette, Jeanette,

this is great.

/ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/

We're back together.

/bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

You're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding.

/ænd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

I found two wine glasses you didn't smash.

/tuː/ /waɪn/ /juː/

Call me crazy, but I've got a feeling,

/kɔːl/ /miː/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /bʌt/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/

from here on out, it's gonna be nothing but blue skies and...

/hɪr/ /ɒn/ /aʊt/ /biː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /bʌt/ /bluː/ /ænd/

What...

/wɒt/

the hell...

is this?!

/ɪz/

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Check out this text from Ted.

/tʃɛk/ /aʊt/ /tɛkst/

Oh, my... Oh, ..

/maɪ/

What the hell happened here?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /hɪr/

Jeanette and I had a little spat.

/ænd/ /hæd/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Would anyone like some wine?

/wʊd/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /laɪk/ /sʌm/ /waɪn/

It's a nice Côtes du Rhne.

/naɪs/

Still needs to breathe a bit.

/briːð/

You know what? I got a decanter upstairs, so...

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/

We should just drink it now.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /drɪŋk/ /ɪt/ /naʊ/

And for

/ænd/ /fɔːr/

the grand finale,

I found your fireworks.

/jʊr/

Let's see what they do to your precious Playbook!

/siː/ /wɒt/ /ðeɪ/ /duː/ /jʊr/

No!

/noʊ/

Jeanette, please,

/pliːz/

that's Barney's life's work!

/wɜːrk/

It's fine, Ted.

/faɪn/

Blow it up, Jeanette.

/ɪt/ /ʌp/

♪ Put a candle in the window Put a candle in the window