Season 8 · Tập 19

Kids, in April of 2013,

/kɪdz/

your mother and I were very close

/jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /ænd/ /wɜːr/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /kloʊs/

and yet very far apart.

/ænd/ /jɛt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /fɑːr/

I was living on West 82nd Street.

/wɒz/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /wɛst/ /striːt/

She was up on West 115th.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/ /wɛst/

She was getting a degree in economics.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /dɪˈɡriː/

I was teaching architecture.

/wɒz/ /ˈtiːtʃɪŋ/ /ˈɑːrkɪtɛktʃər/

I was always at MacLaren's.

/wɒz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

She was always...

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

not spending all her time in a bar.

/ɔːl/ /hɜːr/ /taɪm/ /bɑːr/

She was dating some finance guy named Louis.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /sʌm/ /ɡaɪ/ /neɪmd/

And I...

/ænd/

I was alone.

/wɒz/ /əˈloʊn/

Ted, get ready to be surrounded by

/ɡɛt/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /biː/

half-naked, grease-covered bodies.

And by grease, I mean motor grease.

/ænd/ /miːn/

We're going to Robots vs. Wrestlers!

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Kids, you remember Robots vs. Wrestlers.

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Forget everything you remember

/fərˈɡɛt/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

about Robots vs. Wrestlers.

/əˈbaʊt/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

This is Robots vs. Wrestlers: "Legends."

/ɪz/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Elderly wrestlers fighting old-timey robots

/ˈrɛslərz/ /ˈfaɪtɪŋ/ /ˈroʊbɒts/

in a wheelchair-accessible wrestling ring.

/rɪŋ/

Why are we still sitting here?

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /hɪr/

I got a big lecture tomorrow.

/bɪɡ/ /ˈlɛktʃər/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

Think I'm gonna take it easy tonight.

/θɪŋk/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈiː.zi/ /təˈnaɪt/

Ted, trust me, 20 years from now,

/trʌst/ /miː/ /naʊ/

you'll be glad you saw Robots vs. Wrestlers: Legends.

/biː/ /ɡlæd/ /juː/ /sɔː/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

I can't imagine a world where that's possible.

/ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/ /wɜːrld/ /wɛr/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

I'm serious.

/ˈsɪəriəs/

20 years from now,

/naʊ/

when my 26-year-old third wife asks me about this...

/wɛn/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/

You make a lot of those jokes.

/juː/ /meɪk/ /lɒt/ /ðoʊz/ /dʒoʊks/

I'm gonna say,

/seɪ/

"Yeah, it was awesome, but you know the funny thing?

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɔːsəm/ /bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈfʌn.i/ /θɪŋ/

Ted almost didn't go." Hmm.

/ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /ɡoʊ/

"But thank God he did, because it was a great night."

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /dɪd/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡreɪt/ /naɪt/

And then she and I will

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ʃiː/ /ænd/ /wɪl/

adjourn to the Jacuzzi,

where my fourth wife will be waiting for us,

/wɛr/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /fɔːr/ /ʌs/

already warming herself up on the jets.

/ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/

Oh, Robin's here-- I'll tell you the rest later.

/hɪr/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /rɛst/ /ˈleɪtər/

Please do, that story could go anywhere.

/pliːz/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/ /kʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

Mwah. Mwah.

Hey, hello. Hey. Hey, hello. Hey.

Here we are at the bar

/hɪr/ /wiː/ /bɑːr/

once more.

/wʌns/ /mɔːr/

"What will I have to drink?" you ask.

/wɒt/ /wɪl/ /hæv/ /drɪŋk/ /juː/ /æsk/

Hmm. Hmm.

Minnesota Tidal Wave.

"What's that?" you ask.

/ðæt/ /juː/ /æsk/

Only the best cocktail ever.

/ˈoʊnli/ /bɛst/ /ˈɛv.ər/

"Who invented it?" you ask.

/huː/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /æsk/

Me.

/miː/

And it's not a girly drink.

/ænd/ /drɪŋk/

Lily, why would you even say that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

Girly drink.

/drɪŋk/

Hey, I am the least girly girl on Earth,

/liːst/ /ɡɜːrl/ /ɒn/ /ɜːrθ/

and I love the Minnesota Tidal Wave.

/ænd/ /lʌv/

Thank you, Robin.

/juː/

Matter of fact, I'm going to go order one

/ˈmætər/ /fækt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈɔːrdər/

right now with my head held high.

/raɪt/ /naʊ/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /hɛd/ /haɪ/

Lily. Lily.

You want me to order it for you?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Yes, please, thank you, baby.

/pliːz/ /juː/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Ted, let me tell you the secret to life.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /laɪf/

Hmm. Hmm.

Every time I make a decision about what to do

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /meɪk/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɒt/ /duː/

on a given night, I ask myself,

/ɒn/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/ /naɪt/ /æsk/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

"What would make the best memory 20 years from now?"

/wɒt/ /wʊd/ /meɪk/ /bɛst/ /ˈmɛməri/ /naʊ/

So I let 20-Years-From-Now- Barney call the shots.

/lɛt/ /kɔːl/ /ʃɒts/

And it always works out.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /wɜːrks/ /aʊt/

And 20-Years-From-Now-Barney

/ænd/

thinks we should go to Robots vs. Wrestlers?

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

Let's ask him.

/æsk/ /hɪm/

Close your eyes, Ted.

/kloʊs/ /jʊr/ /aɪz/

Okay, now open them.

/naʊ/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /ðɛm/

Barney, I swear to God,

/swɛər/

if I open my eyes and your bare ass

/ɪf/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /maɪ/ /aɪz/ /ænd/ /jʊr/

is an inch away from my face again...

/ɪz/ /əˈweɪ/ /maɪ/ /feɪs/ /əˈɡɛn/

Just open your eyes.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /jʊr/ /aɪz/

Ted, I'd like you to meet 20-Years-From-Now-Barney.

/laɪk/ /juː/ /miːt/

20-Years-From-Now-Barney, you remember Ted.

/juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

'Sup?

Hey, Ted. Hey, Ted.

What's this I hear-slash-remember

about you not wanting to see Robots vs. Wrestlers?

/əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /siː/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Yeah, it's just that I don't want to see it.

/dʒʌst/ /ðæt/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /ɪt/

You don't... I know.

/juː/ /noʊ/

He doesn't... I know.

/hiː/ /noʊ/

Ted, trust us, it's gonna be legend--

/trʌst/ /ʌs/ /biː/ /ˈlɛdʒənd/

wait 20 years for it...

/weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

...dary!

Legendary! Legendary!

Okay, uh, I'm gonna go home.

/ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/

No, Ted, look. Come on!

/noʊ/ /lʊk/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

If you don't believe that

/ɪf/ /juː/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ðæt/

Robots vs. Wrestlers

/ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

is gonna be a life-changing event,

/ɪz/ /biː/ /ɪˈvɛnt/

maybe you'll believe 20-Years-From-Now-Ted.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /bɪˈliːv/

Whoa. Whoa.

'Sup? 'Sup?

Wow. Wow.

Wow, so many things all at once.

/ˈmɛn.i/ /θɪŋz/ /ɔːl/ /wʌns/

But most importantly...

/bʌt/ /moʊst/

I don't go bald?

/ɡoʊ/

Nope.

And neither do I.

/ænd/ /duː/

Eeh... Eeh...

Ted, listen to me.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /miː/

You, listen to you.

/juː/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /juː/

Me.

/miː/

You got to go to Robots vs. Wrestlers: Legends.

/juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Trust me, you will regret it if you don't.

/trʌst/ /miː/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /rɪˈɡrɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɪf/ /juː/

So, what, do I go bald or something?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Is that a toupee?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/

Ted, Ted,

scalp check! Can't Robin do this?

/tʃɛk/ /duː/

Come on, you've been doing it for years.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɪt/ /fɔːr/

You know the frame of reference.

/juː/ /noʊ/

Scalp check!

/tʃɛk/

Hmm, that's odd.

Little early in the week for scalp check.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈɜːr.li/ /wiːk/ /fɔːr/ /tʃɛk/

Five tablespoons of sugar,

/faɪv/ /ˈʃʊɡər/

a whisper of vanilla vodka

and you're done.

/ænd/ /dʌn/

Maraschino cherries.

Oh, and a handful of maraschino cherries on top.

/ænd/ /ɒn/ /tɒp/

Wait, you're ordering a Robin Scherbatsky.

/weɪt/

Why didn't you just say that?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

One second there, barkeep.

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /ðɛr/

Unless I'm mistaken,

/ənˈlɛs/

the drink this lady just ordered

/drɪŋk/ /ˈleɪdi/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɔːrdərd/

is called the Minnesota Tidal Wave.

/ɪz/

Origin unknown.

Oh, well, you know, Robin's been ordering them so much lately

/wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðɛm/ /mʌtʃ/

that we named it after her.

/ðæt/ /wiː/ /neɪmd/ /ɪt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /hɜːr/

You named a drink after me?

/juː/ /neɪmd/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈæf.tər/ /miː/

Right there in the menu.

/raɪt/ /ðɛr/ /ˈmɛnjuː/

Congrats.

I can't drink this.

/drɪŋk/

That's better.

/ˈbɛt.ər/

I'm still seething, but that's better.

/bʌt/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Okay, 20-Years-From-Now-Me,

level with me.

/ˈlɛv.əl/ /wɪð/ /miː/

You. Us.

/juː/ /ʌs/

Is Robots vs. Wrestlers worth it?

/ɪz/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/ /wɜːrθ/ /ɪt/

It was the single greatest night of my life.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /naɪt/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Even greater than your wedding?

/ˈiːvən/ /ðæn/ /jʊr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Well, I mean, when I get married,

/wɛl/ /miːn/ /wɛn/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

that'll be the greatest night of my life.

/biː/ /naɪt/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

But who knows when that's going to happen?

/bʌt/ /huː/ /wɛn/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈhæpən/

Oh, my God, you still haven't...

/maɪ/ /juː/

Man, I hope I meet her soon.

/mæn/ /hoʊp/ /miːt/ /hɜːr/ /suːn/

Oh, God, what is wrong with me?!

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /miː/

I'm sorry!

/ˈsɒr.i/

I'm just messing with you!

/dʒʌst/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Now, come on, are we going or what?

/naʊ/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/ /wiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɒt/

Fine, let's go.

/faɪn/ /ɡoʊ/

Yeah! Yeah!

Not so fast.

/fæst/

Barney, Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney,

20-Years-From-Now-Ted.

Who are you?

/huː/ /juː/

I'm 20-Hours-From-Now-Ted.

And you bastards aren't going anywhere.

/ænd/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

So, you're the Ted from 20 hours from now?

/ˈaʊərz/ /naʊ/

Shh. Shh.

Just... shh.

/dʒʌst/

You okay?

/juː/

No, I'm not okay.

/noʊ/

This dummy's about to go to Robots vs. Wrestlers--

/əˈbaʊt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

and yes, it'll be awesome...

/ænd/ /biː/ /ˈɔːsəm/

See?

/siː/

...at first.

/fɜːrst/

But then you're gonna drink way too much,

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /drɪŋk/ /weɪ/ /mʌtʃ/

hence the headache.

Then you're gonna jump into the ring

/ðɛn/ /dʒʌmp/ /rɪŋ/

and sprain your wrist, hence the splint.

/ænd/ /jʊr/

And then afterwards, you're gonna smoke

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /smoʊk/

half a pack of cigarettes, hence the...

/hæf/

Well, that's the sound a good time.

/wɛl/ /saʊnd/ /ɡʊd/ /taɪm/

And 20 hours from now, when you're me,

/ænd/ /ˈaʊərz/ /naʊ/ /wɛn/ /miː/

you're gonna want to come back here,

/wɒnt/ /kʌm/ /bæk/ /hɪr/

right to this very spot, right now,

/raɪt/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /spɒt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

and smack yourself upside the head.

/ænd/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /hɛd/

Yeah, but obviously I wouldn't do that

/bʌt/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /duː/ /ðæt/

'cause I'd only be smacking myself--

/kɔːz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /biː/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

Ow! Ow!

Don't do this to me, Ted. Don't do this to us.

/duː/ /miː/ /duː/ /ʌs/

Don't listen to yourself, Present-Day-Ted.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

It's a day of pain for a lifetime of memories.

/deɪ/ /peɪn/ /fɔːr/

20-Hours-From-Now-Me,

just tell me one thing: do I hurl?

/dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /θɪŋ/ /duː/

Yeah, kid.

/kɪd/

You hurl.

/juː/

A lot?

/lɒt/

Remember when Mom

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /wɛn/ /mɒm/

bought the beef from the Price Club?

/bɔːt/ /biːf/ /praɪs/ /klʌb/

Okay, how about this:

/haʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/

we go to Robots vs. Wrestlers,

/wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

but I don't drink too much?

/bʌt/ /drɪŋk/ /mʌtʃ/

Interesting.

/ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/

I'm good with that.

/ɡʊd/ /wɪð/ /ðæt/

No, forget it.

/noʊ/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /ɪt/

If Ted doesn't get wasted,

/ɪf/ /ɡɛt/

there's no way he'll end up making out

/noʊ/ /weɪ/ /ɛnd/ /ʌp/ /aʊt/

with that surprisingly realistic-looking female robot.

/wɪð/ /ðæt/ /ˈfiːmeɪl/ /ˈroʊbɒt/

Wait, I kiss a female robot?

/weɪt/ /kɪs/ /ˈfiːmeɪl/ /ˈroʊbɒt/

Oh, you do a lot more than that.

/juː/ /duː/ /lɒt/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ðæt/

Now, look, nobody is saying you need alcohol

/naʊ/ /lʊk/ /ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /ɪz/ /juː/ /niːd/

to have an exciting and memorable night.

/hæv/ /ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ/ /ænd/ /naɪt/

Absolutely not. Absolutely not.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /ˈæbsəluːtli/

But in this case, yeah, you kind of have to be wasted.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /kaɪnd/ /hæv/ /biː/

You drink beers in cans still.

/juː/ /drɪŋk/ /bɪərz/

It makes the robot scarier.

/ɪt/ /ˈroʊbɒt/

They named my drink after her.

/ðeɪ/ /neɪmd/ /maɪ/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈæf.tər/ /hɜːr/

The Minnesota Tidal Wave.

It's my usual.

/maɪ/

Immaterial!

If it's gonna be named after anybody,

/ɪf/ /biː/ /neɪmd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/

it should be called The Marshall Eriksen.

/ɪt/ /ʃʊd/ /biː/

Sorry, it's The Robin Scherbatsky.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Read it and weep.

/riːd/ /ɪt/ /ænd/

Oh, so you're gonna Zuckerberg me?

/miː/

That it?

/ðæt/ /ɪt/

You're Zuckerberging me?

/miː/

That's fine.

/faɪn/

I'll see you in court.

/siː/ /juː/ /kɔːt/

Little court known as the dance floor.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /kɔːt/ /dæns/ /flɔːr/

Dance-off. Now.

/naʊ/

No, no dancing.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /ˈdænsɪŋ/

Marshall, we've been through this.

/θruː/

The doctor said your dancer's hip is worse than ever.

/ˈdɒktər/ /sɛd/ /jʊr/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrs/ /ðæn/ /ˈɛv.ər/

You have to lay off dancing for a while.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ɒf/ /ˈdænsɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /waɪl/

You're killing me, Lily!

/ˈkɪlɪŋ/ /miː/

You're killing me!

/ˈkɪlɪŋ/ /miː/

I'm an adult.

/ˈædʌlt/

You have to let me dance my own battles.

/juː/ /hæv/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /dæns/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/

Marshall, there's not gonna be a dance-off

/biː/

because the name is staying.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

Period, end of story.

/ɛnd/ /ˈstɔːri/

I just like having my name on something.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /neɪm/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Oh, you do?

/juː/ /duː/

Oh, that's great, Robin.

/ɡreɪt/

Then that's what you will get.

/ðɛn/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /ɡɛt/

That's...

what you...

/wɒt/ /juː/

will get.

/wɪl/ /ɡɛt/

Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm. Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.

Oh, hey, Robin. Oh, hey, Robin.

You here "for a good time"?

/juː/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /ɡʊd/ /taɪm/

Classic.

/ˈklæsɪk/

Did you write my number in the men's room?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /raɪt/ /maɪ/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /ruːm/

It... Well, I don't know.

/ɪt/ /wɛl/ /noʊ/

I guess you'll never know unless you go in there,

/ɡɛs/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /noʊ/ /ənˈlɛs/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ðɛr/

which I highly doubt that...

/wɪtʃ/ /daʊt/ /ðæt/

There she goes.

/ðɛr/ /ʃiː/ /ɡoʊz/

Okay, boys.

/bɔɪz/

Close your eyes and zip your flies.

/kloʊs/ /jʊr/ /aɪz/ /ænd/ /jʊr/

Hi. Don't mind me.

/maɪnd/ /miː/

I don't think you should have done that.

/θɪŋk/ /juː/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /dʌn/ /ðæt/

Lily, I know what I'm doing, all right?

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

I'm a lawyer.

/ˈlɔːjər/

I've thought about every possible scenario.

/θɔːt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

I'm ten steps ahead of...

/tɛn/

Where's she going?

/ʃiː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Probably into the ladies' room

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /ruːm/

to write something on the wall about you.

/raɪt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɒn/ /wɔːl/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/

Nobody writes things

/ˈnoʊ.bɒd.i/ /θɪŋz/

on the walls of the ladies' room.

/ɒn/ /ruːm/

Have you been in the ladies' room?

/hæv/ /juː/ /ruːm/

Of course not.

/kɔːrs/

Lily, I know that I have the sexual charisma of a bad boy,

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /hæv/ /ˈsɛkʃuəl/ /bæd/ /bɔɪ/

but I certainly don't have the manners of one.

/bʌt/ /hæv/

What'd you write in there?

/juː/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/

Why don't you go in and look?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ænd/ /lʊk/

You know I can't do that, Robin.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /duː/ /ðæt/

Lily, can you go look?

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /lʊk/

Oh, I thought you wanted to dance your own battles.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /dæns/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/

Ladies, put your blouses back on!

/pʊt/ /jʊr/ /bæk/ /ɒn/

I'm coming in!

Dear Marshall,

/dɪər/

I know this is a strange way to apologize,

/noʊ/ /ɪz/ /streɪndʒ/ /weɪ/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/

but I'm sorry I let Carl name your drink after me.

/bʌt/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /lɛt/ /neɪm/ /jʊr/ /drɪŋk/ /ˈæf.tər/ /miː/

Why didn't I say something?

/waɪ/ /seɪ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Gosh, I guess that goes back to my childhood.

/ɡɒʃ/ /ɡɛs/ /ðæt/ /ɡoʊz/ /bæk/ /maɪ/ /ˈtʃaɪldhʊd/

Okay, guys.

/ɡaɪz/

Let's go to Robots vs. Wrestlers.

/ɡoʊ/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

Huzzah! Now you're talking!

/naʊ/

Here we go.

/hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Nope, sit down.

/sɪt/ /daʊn/

Everybody sit down.

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /sɪt/ /daʊn/

Okay, who are you?

/huː/ /juː/

Hello, Ted, Barney, 20-Hours-From-Now-Ted,

20-Years-From-Now-Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney.

Hey, how's it going?

/ɪt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Allow me to introduce myself.

/əˈlaʊ/ /miː/ /ˌɪntrəˈdjuːs/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

I'm 20-Minutes-From-Now-Barney,

and I have got something very important to...

/ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

What's the stain on your shirt, bro?

/ɒn/ /jʊr/ /ʃɜːrt/ /broʊ/

Please, please, I really do have something very important to...

/pliːz/ /pliːz/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /duː/ /hæv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

You look stupid.

/juː/ /lʊk/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

Here's your spaghetti.

/jʊr/

And be careful...

/ænd/ /biː/ /ˈkɛr.fəl/

...with the meatball.

/wɪð/

And that's the only time my father

/ænd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /taɪm/ /maɪ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

ever said he was proud of me.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /sɛd/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /praʊd/ /miː/

Maybe that's why I stole credit for your drink.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /waɪ/ /stoʊl/ /fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /drɪŋk/

Maybe that's why

/ˈmeɪbi/ /waɪ/

I needed to pour my heart out like this.

/maɪ/ /hɑːrt/ /aʊt/ /laɪk/

Or, maybe I wrote this so you'd be in here long enough

/ˈmeɪbi/ /roʊt/ /biː/ /hɪr/ /lɔːŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/

for a lady to walk in, causing you to freak out

/fɔːr/ /ˈleɪdi/ /wɔːk/ /juː/ /friːk/ /aʊt/

and hide in the stall.

/ænd/ /haɪd/

So, you got a text message? Yeah.

/juː/ /tɛkst/ /ˈmɛsɪdʒ/

Whoa. Whoa.

Try to get some in your mouth next time.

/traɪ/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /jʊr/ /maʊθ/ /nɛkst/ /taɪm/

Okay, everybody, listen up.

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/ /ˈlɪs.ən/ /ʌp/

When I walked in here,

/wɛn/ /hɪr/

I was 20-Minutes- From-Now-Barney.

/wɒz/

But that was 19 minutes

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/

and some serious acid reflux--

/ænd/ /sʌm/ /ˈsɪəriəs/

who orders spaghetti at an Irish bar?-- ago.

/huː/ /bɑːr/ /əˈɡoʊ/

Now,

/naʊ/

I'm 20-Seconds- From-Now-Barney,

and I'm telling you, watch that door.

/ænd/ /juː/ /wɒtʃ/ /ðæt/ /dɔːr/

Why?

/waɪ/

That's why.

/waɪ/

Um, oh. Um, oh.

In-in, like, 12 seconds.

/laɪk/

Your skin looks great.

/jʊr/ /skɪn/ /ɡreɪt/

Thanks.

And thank you for taking such good care of it.

/ænd/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /sʌtʃ/ /ɡʊd/ /kɛr/ /ɪt/

Shh. Shh.

That's why.

/waɪ/

Who is that?

/huː/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

She's the coat check girl

/koʊt/ /tʃɛk/ /ɡɜːrl/

from that dance club we went to seven years ago.

/ðæt/ /dæns/ /klʌb/ /wiː/ /wɛnt/ /ˈsɛvən/ /əˈɡoʊ/

You remember that night.

/juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

When Barney grinded with his cousin.

/wɛn/ /wɪð/ /hɪz/ /ˈkʌzɪn/

Oh, man, you remember that 20 years from now?

/mæn/ /juː/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðæt/ /naʊ/

He won't let anyone forget.

/hiː/ /lɛt/ /ˈɛniwʌn/ /fərˈɡɛt/

Coat check girl.

/koʊt/ /tʃɛk/ /ɡɜːrl/

I always meant to go back to that club

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /ðæt/ /klʌb/

and get her number, but I didn't.

/ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /bʌt/

And now she's here?

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /hɪr/

She's in this bar seven years later?

/bɑːr/ /ˈsɛvən/ /ˈleɪtər/

I-I can't believe this.

/bɪˈliːv/

So, wait, do you guys think I should go talk to her?

/weɪt/ /duː/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /θɪŋk/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /tɔːk/ /hɜːr/

Are you kidding me? Yes, go...

/juː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/ /ɡoʊ/

How many different ways... Idiot.

/haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈdɪfrənt/ /weɪz/ /ˈɪdiət/

Hello?

Is anybody out there?

/ɪz/ /ˈɛn.i.bɒd.i/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Sounds like the coast is clear.

/laɪk/ /koʊst/ /ɪz/ /klɪər/

No, no, wait!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /weɪt/

Please, it's not my fault!

/pliːz/ /maɪ/ /fɔːlt/

I was tricked!

/wɒz/

Not cool, Marshall.

/kuːl/

This is a nice bar.

/ɪz/ /naɪs/ /bɑːr/

Girls come here, they just want to relax with their friends,

/ɡɜːrlz/ /kʌm/ /hɪr/ /ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /rɪˈlæks/ /wɪð/ /ðɛr/ /frɛndz/

maybe have a few Robin Scherbatskys,

/ˈmeɪbi/ /hæv/ /fjuː/

and not have to worry out some guy

/ænd/ /hæv/ /ˈwʌri/ /aʊt/ /sʌm/ /ɡaɪ/

pulling a Marshall Eriksen in the bathroom.

/ˈbæθruːm/

No, no, no, I know. I just...

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/ /dʒʌst/

Wait a minute, did you just use my name

/weɪt/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /juːz/ /maɪ/ /neɪm/

as shorthand for a guy being creepy?

/fɔːr/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈkriːpi/

Yep.

Well, you know what, Carl?

/wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I think that you are making

/θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /juː/

a broad and prejudicial assumption.

/ænd/

So next time I meet a guy who just goes around

/nɛkst/ /taɪm/ /miːt/ /ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊz/ /əˈraʊnd/

rushing to judgment, I'm gonna say,

/seɪ/

"Hey, that guy's being a real Carl..."

/ðæt/ /riːl/

You don't know my last name.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /læst/ /neɪm/

You've been drinking here for years,

/ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /hɪr/ /fɔːr/

and you don't know my last name.

/ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /maɪ/ /læst/ /neɪm/

I will name every drink in this bar after you

/wɪl/ /neɪm/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /drɪŋk/ /bɑːr/ /ˈæf.tər/ /juː/

if you can tell me my last name.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kæn/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /maɪ/ /læst/ /neɪm/

Well, that just seems confusing.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /dʒʌst/

How will you know what people are ordering?

/haʊ/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

What's my last name, Marshall?

/maɪ/ /læst/ /neɪm/

It's Carl...

...'s Junior. ...Junior.

Okay, wish me luck, everyone.

/wɪʃ/ /miː/ /lʌk/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

Break a leg...

/breɪk/ /lɛɡ/

What the hell?

/wɒt/

Do not talk to her.

/duː/ /tɔːk/ /hɜːr/

What-what... Who are you?

/huː/ /juː/

We are 20-Months-From-Now- Coat-Check-Girl.

/wiː/

But there's two of you.

/bʌt/ /tuː/ /juː/

Right, because if you go over there and you talk to her,

/raɪt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /juː/ /tɔːk/ /hɜːr/

20 months from now, it's gonna end in one of two ways.

/naʊ/ /ɛnd/ /tuː/ /weɪz/

Either you are gonna get sick of me.

/ˈiː.ðər/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /sɪk/ /miː/

I made you muffins

/juː/

because of your nickname: Muffin.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /jʊr/

Or...

I am gonna get sick of you and your stupid habits.

/ɡɛt/ /sɪk/ /juː/ /ænd/ /jʊr/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

Stop DVR-ing the news. You're never gonna catch up.

/stɒp/ /njuːz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ʌp/

Oh, stop it,

/stɒp/ /ɪt/

you're scaring him off.

/hɪm/ /ɒf/

By the way, I'm pregnant.

/weɪ/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

No, she's not.

/noʊ/

Okay, no, I'm not,

/noʊ/

but that made you happy for a second, right?

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /ˈhæp.i/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /raɪt/

Please shut up. Okay, wait,

/pliːz/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/ /weɪt/

so you're saying it's doomed completely?

/kəmˈpliːtli/

One of us is just guaranteed to get sick of the other

/ʌs/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɛt/ /sɪk/ /ˈʌð.ər/

and call it quits?

/ænd/ /kɔːl/ /ɪt/

You've been dating for a long time, Ted.

/ˈdeɪtɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/

Has it ever gone any other way?

/hæz/ /ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ɡɔːn/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /weɪ/

Look at this one.

/lʊk/

Thank you so much.

/juː/ /mʌtʃ/

Hey. Hey.

Hey, you look kind of down.

/juː/ /lʊk/ /kaɪnd/ /daʊn/

Have a Robin Scherbatsky, on me.

/hæv/ /ɒn/ /miː/

None of this would have happened if Lily had let me dance.

/nʌn/ /wʊd/ /hæv/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ɪf/ /hæd/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /dæns/

Baby, wait.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /weɪt/

God, you're still clinging to that?

/ðæt/

Marshall, it doesn't matter,

/ɪt/ /ˈmætər/

'cause you'd lose anyway, and you know why?

/kɔːz/ /luːz/ /ˈɛniweɪ/ /ænd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /waɪ/

'Cause I'm Sparkles, bitch.

/kɔːz/

Oh, and you think you can step to me?

/ænd/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /kæn/ /stɛp/ /miː/

You think you can step up to the streets?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /kæn/ /stɛp/ /ʌp/

To me?

/miː/

You think you can step up over me to the streets?

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /juː/ /kæn/ /stɛp/ /ʌp/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /miː/

I guess we'll never know because you are not allowed...

/ɡɛs/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /noʊ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/

Wait, wait.

/weɪt/ /weɪt/

That's my jam.

/maɪ/

Who's playing my jam?

/ˈpleɪɪŋ/ /maɪ/

Dance-off.

You're on.

/ɒn/

Oh. Oh.

I think I'm gonna head home.

/θɪŋk/ /hɛd/ /hoʊm/

I understand.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

What, you're not gonna try and stop me?

/wɒt/ /traɪ/ /ænd/ /stɒp/ /miː/

And how would I try and stop you?

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /wʊd/ /traɪ/ /ænd/ /stɒp/ /juː/

I don't know, by telling me life is short,

/noʊ/ /miː/ /laɪf/ /ɪz/ /ʃɔːrt/

and if you ever come across a beautiful,

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /kʌm/ /əˈkrɒs/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

exciting, crazy moment in it,

/ɪkˈsaɪtɪŋ/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /ɪt/

you got to seize it while you can

/juː/ /ɪt/ /waɪl/ /juː/ /kæn/

before that moment's gone?

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ðæt/ /ɡɔːn/

Ted, this moment already is gone.

/ˈmoʊmənt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ɪz/ /ɡɔːn/

The whole Minnesota Tidal Wave thing

/hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

happened five years ago.

/ˈhæpənd/ /faɪv/ /əˈɡoʊ/

It's just a memory.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈmɛməri/

And the rest of this

/ænd/ /rɛst/

never happened.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈhæpənd/

Right now, Marshall and Lily are upstairs,

/raɪt/ /naʊ/ /ænd/ /ˌʌpˈstɛrz/

trying to get Marvin to go back to sleep.

/ɡɛt/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /sliːp/

Robin and I are trying to decide on a caterer.

/ænd/ /dɪˈsaɪd/ /ɒn/

And you've been sitting here

/ænd/ /hɪr/

all night, staring at a single ticket

/ɔːl/ /naɪt/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/ /ˈtɪkɪt/

to Robots vs. Wrestlers

/ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

because the rest of us couldn't come out.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /rɛst/ /ʌs/ /kʌm/ /aʊt/

Look around, Ted.

/lʊk/ /əˈraʊnd/

You're all alone.

/ɔːl/ /əˈloʊn/

Kids, it's been almost 20 years

/kɪdz/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/

since that cold April night in 2013,

/sɪns/ /ðæt/ /koʊld/ /naɪt/

and I can safely tell you,

/ænd/ /kæn/ /tɛl/ /juː/

if I could go back in time and relive that night,

/ɪf/ /kʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /taɪm/ /ænd/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

there's no way in hell I'd go to Robots vs. Wrestlers.

/noʊ/ /weɪ/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈroʊbɒts/ /ˈrɛslərz/

No, I'd go home.

/noʊ/ /ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/

I'd go to my old apartment,

/ɡoʊ/ /maɪ/ /oʊld/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

see all my old furniture, my old stuff.

/siː/ /ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /oʊld/ /ˈfɜːrnɪtʃər/ /maɪ/ /oʊld/ /stʌf/

I'd see my old drafting table,

/siː/ /maɪ/ /oʊld/ /ˈteɪ.bəl/

where I sketched out my first building.

/wɛr/ /aʊt/ /maɪ/ /fɜːrst/ /ˈbɪldɪŋ/

I'd sit on that old couch

/sɪt/ /ɒn/ /ðæt/ /oʊld/ /kaʊtʃ/

and smell the Indian food cooking three stories below.

/ænd/ /smɛl/ /fuːd/ /θriː/ /ˈstɔːriz/

I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place,

/ɡoʊ/ /ænd/ /pleɪs/

be back in that old living room where so many things happened.

/biː/ /bæk/ /ðæt/ /oʊld/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ruːm/ /wɛr/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈhæpənd/

I'd see the baby.

/siː/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I don't know if you can picture me holding

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /kæn/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /miː/ /ˈhoʊldɪŋ/

your six-foot-seven cousin Marvin over my head,

/jʊr/ /ˈkʌzɪn/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /maɪ/ /hɛd/

but back then I could.

/bʌt/ /bæk/ /ðɛn/ /kʊd/

I'd go have a drink with Barney and Robin,

/ɡoʊ/ /hæv/ /drɪŋk/ /wɪð/ /ænd/

watch them fight about their caterer

/wɒtʃ/ /ðɛm/ /faɪt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðɛr/

or whatever it was they were fighting about that night.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /ˈfaɪtɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

But none of those things is the thing I'd do first.

/bʌt/ /nʌn/ /ðoʊz/ /θɪŋz/ /ɪz/ /θɪŋ/ /duː/ /fɜːrst/

You know the thing I'd do first?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /θɪŋ/ /duː/ /fɜːrst/

Hi.

I'm Ted Mosby.

And exactly 45 days from now,

/ænd/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/ /naʊ/

you and I are gonna meet,

/juː/ /ænd/ /miːt/

and we're gonna fall in love,

/ænd/ /fɔːl/ /lʌv/

and we're gonna get married,

/ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈmærid/

and... we're gonna have two kids.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /tuː/ /kɪdz/

And we're gonna love them and each other so much.

/ænd/ /lʌv/ /ðɛm/ /ænd/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /mʌtʃ/

All that is 45 days away.

/ɔːl/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /əˈweɪ/

But I'm here now,

/bʌt/ /hɪr/ /naʊ/

I guess, because...

/ɡɛs/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

I want those extra 45 days with you.

/wɒnt/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈɛkstrə/ /wɪð/ /juː/

I want each one of them.

/wɒnt/ /iːtʃ/ /ðɛm/

Look, and if I can't have them,

/lʊk/ /ænd/ /ɪf/ /hæv/ /ðɛm/

I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up

/teɪk/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /jʊr/ /ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/ /ʃoʊz/ /ʌp/

and punches me in the face,

/ænd/ /miː/ /feɪs/

because...

/bɪˈkɔːz/