Season 8 · Tập 21

Kids, this is the story of the night

/kɪdz/ /ɪz/ /ˈstɔːri/ /naɪt/

Barney's life completely fell apart.

/laɪf/ /kəmˈpliːtli/

My life is finally perfect,

/maɪ/ /laɪf/ /ɪz/ /ˈfaɪnəli/ /ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/

and that is never going to change.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /tʃeɪndʒ/

Fired up for dinner with my mom tonight?

/faɪərd/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/ /təˈnaɪt/

Yeah. To help streamline the rest of our lives,

/hɛlp/ /rɛst/ /aʊər/

you can always assume my answer to that question is no.

/juː/ /kæn/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /maɪ/ /ˈæn.sər/ /ðæt/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /ɪz/ /noʊ/

W... I'm pretty nervous.

/ˈprɪti/ /ˈnɜːrvəs/

Nervous? Why? It's just gonna be two hours

/ˈnɜːrvəs/ /waɪ/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /tuː/ /ˈaʊərz/

of "I love Barney the most." "No, I love Barney the most."

/lʌv/ /moʊst/ /noʊ/ /lʌv/ /moʊst/

You're right. I may not even get a chance to talk.

/raɪt/ /meɪ/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɡɛt/ /tʃæns/ /tɔːk/

But I'm still--

/bʌt/

I-I don't know. I'm worried

/noʊ/ /ˈwʌrid/

she won't think I'm good enough to be engaged

/ʃiː/ /θɪŋk/ /ɡʊd/ /ɪˈnʌf/ /biː/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

to her precious little Love-Love.

/hɜːr/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Okay, first of all, it's "Wuv-Wuv."

/fɜːrst/ /ɔːl/

And second,

/ænd/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

don't worry.

/ˈwʌri/

I'm just gonna drop off our catering deposit,

/dʒʌst/ /drɒp/ /ɒf/ /aʊər/

and then I will be there for you. Mm.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

Okay, well, please don't be late.

/wɛl/ /pliːz/ /biː/ /leɪt/

I am counting on you tonight.

/ɒn/ /juː/ /təˈnaɪt/

And be careful-- that's 5,000 bucks in there.

/ænd/ /biː/ /ˈkɛr.fəl/ /ðɛr/

Uh, I think I'll be okay walking four blocks here

/θɪŋk/ /biː/ /hɪr/

on the Upper East Side.

/ɒn/ /iːst/ /saɪd/

Please, I swear I never talked to the North Koreans!

/pliːz/ /swɛər/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /nɔːrθ/

Unless you are the North Koreans, in which case

/ənˈlɛs/ /juː/ /nɔːrθ/ /wɪtʃ/

I never talked to the South Koreans!

/ˈnɛv.ər/

Barney Stinson, Barney Stinson,

you are being kidnapped.

/juː/

For your surprise bachelor party!

/fɔːr/ /jʊr/ /sərˈpraɪz/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

A kidnapping.

Respect.

/rɪˈspɛkt/

I was secretly worried

/wɒz/ /ˈwʌrid/

you might not be able to pull off my bachelor party.

/juː/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /pʊl/ /ɒf/ /maɪ/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

Yeah, it wasn't that secret.

/ɪt/ /ðæt/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

You two? Planning my bachelor party?

/juː/ /tuː/ /maɪ/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

Look, you seem like nice kids.

/lʊk/ /juː/ /siːm/ /laɪk/ /naɪs/ /kɪdz/

But this is a sacred event,

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /ɪˈvɛnt/

a man's rite of passage with his bros.

/wɪð/ /hɪz/ /broʊz/

His... bro mitzvah!

/hɪz/ /broʊ/

You didn't just think of that.

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/

You've been saying it for months every...

/ɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri/

But here's my dilemma:

/bʌt/ /maɪ/

my average night is like an average guy's bachelor party.

/maɪ/ /naɪt/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

So, no offense, but if you two plan it,

/noʊ/ /bʌt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /tuː/ /plæn/ /ɪt/

it's gonna be ordi-- why wait for it?-- nary.

/biː/ /waɪ/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

Ordinary.

I can help.

/kæn/ /hɛlp/

You?

/juː/

Look, you seem like a nice kid,

/lʊk/ /juː/ /siːm/ /laɪk/ /naɪs/ /kɪd/

but bros' fiancées

/bʌt/ /broʊz/

cannot plan bachelor parties.

/plæn/ /ˈbætʃələr/

Sorry. You two are on your own.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /juː/ /tuː/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/

And you will disappoint me.

/ænd/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /miː/

But make it great, okay?

/bʌt/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɡreɪt/

But this is a strong start.

/bʌt/ /ɪz/ /strɒŋ/ /stɑːrt/

The students have become...

/ˈstjuːdənts/ /hæv/ /bɪˈkʌm/

the intermediate students.

/ˈstjuːdənts/

I just have to make one call.

/dʒʌst/ /hæv/ /meɪk/ /kɔːl/

Hello. Alo.

Robin, great news!

/ɡreɪt/ /njuːz/

I've been kidnapped for a surprise bachelor party

/fɔːr/ /sərˈpraɪz/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

so I won't be there at all!

/biː/ /ðɛr/ /ɔːl/

What? Barney, I-I can't do dinner with your mom alone.

/wɒt/ /duː/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /əˈloʊn/

Okay, I'll call her, make up an excuse and cancel.

/kɔːl/ /hɜːr/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/ /ɪkˈskjuːz/ /ænd/

And don't worry, I'll take all the blame.

/ænd/ /ˈwʌri/ /teɪk/ /ɔːl/ /bleɪm/

Hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Hi, Wuv-Wuv.

Hi, Momsies.

I forgot, I'm mentoring an underprivileged child tonight,

/fərˈɡɒt/ /tʃaɪld/ /təˈnaɪt/

and Robin can't stand the idea of dinner with you by herself,

/ænd/ /stænd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /wɪð/ /juː/

so we're not gonna be able to...

/biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/

Don't bother. She's already here.

/ˈbɒðər/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hɪr/

Hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Robin? Too late. She's already there.

/leɪt/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /ðɛr/

Barney, don't...

Robin can't stand the idea of dinner with me?

/stænd/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /wɪð/ /miː/

Great! We're all set then.

/ɡreɪt/ /ɔːl/ /sɛt/ /ðɛn/

Don't you leave me alone with her. I told you...

/juː/ /liːv/ /miː/ /əˈloʊn/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/ /toʊld/ /juː/

That problem is solved.

/ðæt/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /ɪz/

So what's the plan?

/plæn/

Well, you know the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City?

/wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Yeah.

You know the secret penthouse

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

in the top of the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City?

/tɒp/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Yeah!

Boom! There it is.

/ðɛr/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

Visible from our window.

/aʊər/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/

In the distance.

Behind the refinery.

/bɪˈhaɪnd/

Okay, you can't quite see it.

/juː/ /kwaɪt/ /siː/ /ɪt/

Why are we outside Atlantic City?

/waɪ/ /wiː/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Well, we thought it was best,

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /θɔːt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /bɛst/

what with your weakness for games of chance.

/wɒt/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /fɔːr/ /ɡeɪmz/ /tʃæns/

Kids, Barney was addicted

/kɪdz/ /wɒz/

to one Chinese gambling game

/ɡeɪm/

that was, well, sort of complicated.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /wɛl/ /sɔːrt/

But don't worry.

/bʌt/ /ˈwʌri/

Back when you were engaged to Quinn,

/bæk/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

you told us everything you wanted for tonight.

/juː/ /toʊld/ /ʌs/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /juː/ /fɔːr/ /təˈnaɪt/

A bachelor party is a man's...

/ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /ɪz/

bro mitzvah!

/broʊ/

Did you just think of that?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/

Totally! We can wear...

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /wɛr/

bro-mulkes...

spin the bro-del...

and consult the wisdom

/ænd/

of the Bro-rah.

Written in... He-bro.

Not at all bro-ffensive.

/ɔːl/

Ooh, ooh! Couple other ideas-- and I'm just spitballing here--

/ˈkʌpəl/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ænd/ /dʒʌst/ /hɪr/

so take 'em or leave 'em.

/teɪk/ /liːv/

Booze, duh; cigars, duh; strippers, duh...

Ooh! Things should get so crazy that at some point

/θɪŋz/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /ðæt/ /sʌm/ /pɔɪnt/

we should fear for our lives.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /fɪər/ /fɔːr/ /aʊər/

Oh, we'll fear for our lives, all right.

/fɪər/ /fɔːr/ /aʊər/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

When we watch Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth!

/wɛn/ /wiː/ /wɒtʃ/ /truːθ/

Yeah. We're gonna pound a beer

/bɪər/

every time we hear the word

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /wiː/ /hɪr/ /wɜːrd/

"catastrophic""

Oh!

Could that be...

/kʊd/ /ðæt/ /biː/

the next item on your list?

/nɛkst/ /ˈaɪtəm/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /lɪst/

Mind-blowing entertainment,

like a naked fire show or a naked magic show.

/laɪk/ /faɪər/ /ʃoʊ/ /ˈmædʒɪk/ /ʃoʊ/

There's a good chance our engagement

/ɡʊd/ /tʃæns/ /aʊər/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒmənt/

doesn't work out, isn't there?

/wɜːrk/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Not now, honey.

/naʊ/ /ˈhʌni/

Or a naked contortionist!

Or... a balloon contortionist!

Balloons.

Not the inflatable, round, squishy pouches

/raʊnd/

I was hoping to see tonight.

/wɒz/ /ˈhoʊpɪŋ/ /siː/ /təˈnaɪt/

Hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

I told you no clown.

/toʊld/ /juː/ /noʊ/

Well, you didn't like the bubble guy either.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈiː.ðər/

Hey, Robin.

Did you tell your mother

/dɪd/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

I'm a virgin?

What? Why would you think that?

/wɒt/ /waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/

Save yourself room for dessert. Mmm.

/seɪv/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /ruːm/ /fɔːr/ /dɪˈzɜːrt/

And I hear you excel at saving yourself.

/ænd/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

You are so funny.

/juː/ /ˈfʌn.i/

What's gotten into you?

/juː/

Oh, that's right-- nothing ever.

/raɪt/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɛv.ər/

You may be nervous

/juː/ /meɪ/ /biː/ /ˈnɜːrvəs/

as to what goes where on your wedding night.

/wɒt/ /ɡoʊz/ /wɛr/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /naɪt/

It's really simple.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

Let me show you.

/lɛt/ /miː/ /ʃoʊ/ /juː/

Let's start with the fundamentals.

/stɑːrt/ /wɪð/

Why would you tell her I'm a virgin?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /hɜːr/

I panicked.

Look, I really want her to like you,

/lʊk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɒnt/ /hɜːr/ /laɪk/ /juː/

so just go with it, okay? Okay!

/dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /wɪð/ /ɪt/

Listen, Wuv-Wuv, you better get your ass back...

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /juː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /bæk/

Another guest?

/əˈnʌðər/

Who could this be?

/huː/ /kʊd/ /biː/

Why, it's Lily!

/waɪ/

And she's here to deliver

/ænd/ /hɪr/ /dɪˈlɪvər/

one of your requests!

/jʊr/

Oh, thank you, Marshall.

/juː/

Oh, not that one.

/ðæt/

An appearance by my all-time idol,

/maɪ/

the Karate Kid!

/kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/

The Karate Kid was an uplifting '80s classic

/kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/ /wɒz/ /ˈklæsɪk/

about a teen, played by Ralph Macchio,

/əˈbaʊt/

who defeats the local jerk, played by William Zabka.

/huː/ /ˈloʊkl/ /dʒɜːrk/

At least, that's how most people saw it.

/liːst/ /haʊ/ /moʊst/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /sɔː/ /ɪt/

Here he is, just as hot

/hɪr/ /hiː/ /ɪz/ /dʒʌst/ /hɒt/

as when his Tiger Beat photo spread gave a young girl

/wɛn/ /hɪz/ /biːt/ /ˈfoʊtoʊ/ /ɡeɪv/ /jʌŋ/ /ɡɜːrl/

the courage to explore

the suddenly unfamiliar topography

/ˈsʌd.ən.li/

of her changing body...

/hɜːr/ /ˈbɒdi/

the Karate Kid!

/kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/

Hey, Barney. It's Ralph.

Listen, it's always flattering...

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

No!

/noʊ/

I hate Ralph Macchio!

/heɪt/

I hate him, hate him, hate him!

/heɪt/ /hɪm/ /heɪt/ /hɪm/ /heɪt/ /hɪm/

He is not the Karate Kid!

/hiː/ /ɪz/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/

The Karate Kid was William Zabka,

/kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/ /wɒz/

star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo,

/stɑːr/

who this monster

/huː/

defeated with a cheap,

/wɪð/ /tʃiːp/

illegal head-kick

/ɪˈliːɡəl/

in the most tragically haunting film ending of all time.

/moʊst/ /fɪlm/ /ɔːl/ /taɪm/

Oh, see, I thought you meant fun-crazy.

/siː/ /θɔːt/ /juː/

Shut it, Ralph Macchio.

/ʃʌt/ /ɪt/

Why don't you go have a party with Luke Skywalker

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /hæv/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /wɪð/

and Harry Potter and War Horse and all the other movie bad guys

/ænd/ /ænd/ /wɔːr/ /hɔːrs/ /ænd/ /ɔːl/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈmuːvi/ /bæd/ /ɡaɪz/

and stop ruining mine!

/ænd/ /stɒp/ /maɪn/

This night has been catastrophic.

/naɪt/ /hæz/

"Catastrophic"! Everybody pound.

/ˈɛv.ri.bɒd.i/

Sorry, bro.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /broʊ/

I'm staying.

If this is anything

/ɪf/ /ɪz/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

like my bachelor party-- strippers, booze,

/laɪk/ /maɪ/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

definitely no hand stuff-- wink-wink--

/ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/ /noʊ/ /hænd/ /stʌf/

it is gonna be in-- wait for it-- credible.

/ɪt/ /ɪz/ /biː/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

Incredible!

Wow.

You guys are actually a lot alike.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /lɒt/

You take that back, sir!

/juː/ /teɪk/ /ðæt/ /bæk/ /sɜːr/

I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /laɪk/

I mean, did you guys even get a stripper?

/miːn/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɡɛt/

Bro.

/broʊ/

Bro.

/broʊ/

Of course we got a stripper.

/kɔːrs/ /wiː/

Do we look like the kind of dweebs

/duː/ /wiː/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/ /kaɪnd/

who wouldn't get a stripper?

/huː/ /ɡɛt/

And as the saying goes,

/ænd/ /ɡoʊz/

what happens in the sensibly-priced

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənz/

business hotel outside Atlantic City stays

/ˈbɪznɪs/ /hoʊˈtɛl/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /ˈsɪt.i/

in the sensibly-priced business hotel outside Atlantic City.

/ˈbɪznɪs/ /hoʊˈtɛl/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Who is it?

/huː/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

Police. We got a noise complaint from...

/wiː/ /nɔɪz/

Oh, who am I kidding? I can tell it's dead in there.

/huː/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /kæn/ /tɛl/ /dɛd/ /ðɛr/

I'm the stripper!

Barney? Barney?

Quinn? Quinn?

This is your bachelor party? You're engaged again,

/ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/ /əˈɡɛn/

less than a year after we broke up?

/lɛs/ /ðæn/ /jɪr/ /ˈæf.tər/ /wiː/ /ʌp/

Is it Robin?

/ɪz/ /ɪt/

Now, hold on.

/naʊ/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

You're not the only one with questions here.

/ˈoʊnli/ /wɪð/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/ /hɪr/

You didn't vet the stripper?!

/juː/

Well, I'm glad you're so happy.

/wɛl/ /ɡlæd/ /ˈhæp.i/

After we broke up, I had to move out of the city,

/ˈæf.tər/ /wiː/ /ʌp/ /hæd/ /muːv/ /aʊt/ /ˈsɪt.i/

my car got totaled, and I had to go back

/maɪ/ /kɑːr/ /ænd/ /hæd/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/

to stripping just to pay rent.

/dʒʌst/ /peɪ/ /rɛnt/

It's like everywhere I look, my life is a dead-end.

/laɪk/ /ˈɛvriwɛr/ /lʊk/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/ /ɪz/

Wow.

I am... I'm so sorry, Quinn.

/ˈsɒr.i/

So, how does this work?

/haʊ/ /dʌz/ /wɜːrk/

Do you give me a private show, or does everyone...?

/duː/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ˈpraɪvɪt/ /ʃoʊ/ /dʌz/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/

I am not stripping for you.

/fɔːr/ /juː/

Whoa, whoa! I was promised boobs.

/wɒz/

Oh, Ralph, if you want, I can...

/ɪf/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /kæn/

Lily. Lily.

Is that the Karate Kid?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/

Yes! Yes! Yes!

No!

/noʊ/

He's a lot like Barney, huh?

/lɒt/ /laɪk/

You take that back, madam.

/juː/ /teɪk/ /ðæt/ /bæk/

I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /laɪk/

Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

I'll tell you what.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /wɒt/

I am going to strip for everyone here

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /hɪr/

except Barney.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/

And I'm gonna make it dirty.

/ænd/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈdɜːrti/

Yeah, um, I'm the bachelor.

/ˈbætʃələr/

Kind of no stripping without the lap of honor.

/kaɪnd/ /noʊ/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /læp/

Back me up, bros.

/bæk/ /miː/ /ʌp/ /broʊz/

How'd you even do that?

/juː/ /ˈiːvən/ /duː/ /ðæt/

- What the...?! - Oh, my God, yeah!

/wɒt/ /maɪ/

Hey, Robin. Alo, Robin.

Hey, sweetie, having fun at your bachelor party?

/ˈswiːti/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /fʌn/ /jʊr/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

No. Good, 'cause my night's been hell!

/noʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /kɔːz/ /maɪ/

And that's the inverted chimney sweep,

/ænd/ /swiːp/

the last of the 17 basic sexual positions.

/læst/ /ˈbeɪ.sɪk/ /ˈsɛkʃuəl/

Now, bondage...

/naʊ/

Stop! I'm not a virgin!

/stɒp/

My napkin ring has seen plenty of breadsticks.

/maɪ/ /rɪŋ/ /hæz/ /ˈplɛnti/

And one baguette.

/ænd/

I dated a center for the Knicks.

/ˈdeɪtɪd/ /fɔːr/

Oh, thank God you're not a prude.

Now we can really talk.

/naʊ/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /tɔːk/

Four cosmos, pronto!

Now she's drunk,

/naʊ/ /drʌŋk/

holding up a napkin ring and three breadsticks,

/ˈhoʊldɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /rɪŋ/ /ænd/ /θriː/

and talking about her night with Crosby, Stills and Nash.

/ænd/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/ /naɪt/ /wɪð/ /ænd/

Waiter, can I have another breadstick?

/ˈweɪtər/ /kæn/ /hæv/ /əˈnʌðər/

And Young.

/ænd/ /jʌŋ/

Please come back.

/pliːz/ /kʌm/ /bæk/

Okay.

I'll be there soon.

/biː/ /ðɛr/ /suːn/

Real nice. So beautiful.

/riːl/ /naɪs/ /ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

I think we really did it. I think we did it, you know?

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/ /juː/ /noʊ/

You didn't miss a thing.

/juː/ /mɪs/ /θɪŋ/

Oh, Quinn? Yeah?

You got a little... something.

/juː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Oh! Oh.

Let's head back, guys.

/hɛd/ /bæk/ /ɡaɪz/

This night has been completely half-assed.

/naɪt/ /hæz/ /kəmˈpliːtli/

You obviously missed the strip show.

/juː/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /mɪst/ /ʃoʊ/

Hey-oh! Hey-oh!

Ted, this was my bachelor party.

/wɒz/ /maɪ/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

A man only gets two or three of these in his lifetime.

/mæn/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ɡɛts/ /tuː/ /θriː/ /ðiːz/ /hɪz/

And this is all you do for me?

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /juː/ /duː/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

That's it, I'm calling it.

/ɪt/ /ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /ɪt/

Who needs a ride back to the city?

/huː/ /raɪd/ /bæk/ /ˈsɪt.i/

Oh.

Oh, guys, wait, hold on, hold on.

/ɡaɪz/ /weɪt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/

Drinking.

/ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/

A shot.

/ʃɒt/

Shooting.

A gun.

/ɡʌn/

Shot, gun.

/ʃɒt/ /ɡʌn/

Shotgun?

Man, it's crowded in here.

/mæn/ /ˈkraʊdɪd/ /hɪr/

I know, it's like a clown car.

/noʊ/ /laɪk/ /kɑːr/

Well, I can make some room by grinding on Ralph's lap.

/wɛl/ /kæn/ /meɪk/ /sʌm/ /ruːm/ /ɒn/ /læp/

ing!

I-I meant, I meant sitting.

This is the worst bachelor party ever.

/ɪz/ /wɜːrst/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Man, my bachelor party was incr-- wait for it--

/mæn/ /maɪ/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /wɒz/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

and I hope you're hungry,

/ænd/ /hoʊp/ /ˈhʌŋɡri/

'cause the second half of this word is-- edible!

/kɔːz/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/ /hæf/ /wɜːrd/ /ɪz/

Incredible!

Self-shake.

You take that back, clown.

/juː/ /teɪk/ /ðæt/ /bæk/

I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /laɪk/

Yeah.

You've got more in common with the clown,

/mɔːr/ /ˈkɒmən/ /wɪð/

except his suit's more expensive.

/ɪkˈsɛpt/ /hɪz/ /mɔːr/ /ɪkˈspɛnsɪv/

Hey, yo! Hey, yo!

I mean, what kind of loser

/miːn/ /wɒt/ /kaɪnd/

has his bachelor party ten yards from A.C.

/hæz/ /hɪz/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /tɛn/

and doesn't even gamble?

/ænd/ /ˈiːvən/

Oh. Oh, sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Sorry. Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Oh... oh, wait.

/weɪt/

Just a little more.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /mɔːr/

Okay, sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Okay.

...bro mitzvah!

/broʊ/

Kids, I'll skip over the gambling.

/kɪdz/ /skɪp/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Like I said, it was a complicated game.

/laɪk/ /sɛd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ɡeɪm/

Although your old man did pick it up pretty quickly.

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /jʊr/ /oʊld/ /mæn/ /dɪd/ /pɪk/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈkwɪk.li/

Hey!

You just won 300 bucks!

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /wʌn/

I just lost $5,000.

/dʒʌst/ /lɒst/

Oh, right. 'Cause the chicken.

/raɪt/ /kɔːz/ /ˈtʃɪkɪn/

Yep, that-that's $5,000, yeah.

See, I'm laughing

/siː/

because you couldn't see me take my top off,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /siː/ /miː/ /teɪk/ /maɪ/ /tɒp/ /ɒf/

but I just saw you lose your shirt. Hey-yo!

/bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /sɔː/ /juː/ /luːz/ /jʊr/ /ʃɜːrt/

We have to go back.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/

Loser! Sorry, that was a real sneeze.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /riːl/

Might have made you miss what I was saying.

/maɪt/ /hæv/ /juː/ /mɪs/ /wɒt/ /wɒz/

Loser!

Loser.

We're not going anywhere.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɛniˌwɛr/

I can still make this night legendary.

/kæn/ /meɪk/ /naɪt/

Uh, uh...

Oh, oh.

Okay, I got some credit.

/sʌm/

I just... mm...

/dʒʌst/

Marshall, stand over there for good luck?

/stænd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /ɡʊd/ /lʌk/

Oh, sure.

/ʃʊr/

Okay, okay.

Oh! Oh!

You crazy son of a bitch, you did it!

/juː/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /sʌn/ /juː/ /dɪd/ /ɪt/

I just lost $80,000.

/dʒʌst/ /lɒst/

Oh, right, right, yeah. 'Cause the black jelly bean.

/raɪt/ /raɪt/ /kɔːz/ /blæk/

That-That's $80,000. He's right.

/raɪt/

You know, Ralph,

/juː/ /noʊ/

earlier at the salon, I waxed on, then waxed off.

/ˈɜːrliər/ /ɒn/ /ðɛn/ /ɒf/

Everywhere.

/ˈɛvriwɛr/

Uh, listen, lady, your husband is, like...

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /ˈleɪdi/ /jʊr/ /ˈhʌzbənd/ /ɪz/ /laɪk/

Hey, where is your husband?

/wɛr/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

Marshall? Marshall?

Where's Marshall?!

Okay, Lily, don't overreact, but...

/bʌt/

Oh, oh.

Okay, I got some credit.

/sʌm/

Marshall, stand over there for good luck?

/stænd/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /ɡʊd/ /lʌk/

Oh, sure.

/ʃʊr/

You sold my husband?!

/juː/ /soʊld/ /maɪ/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

Lily, can you be more like the Chinese mobster

/kæn/ /juː/ /biː/ /mɔːr/ /laɪk/

and give me some credit?

/ænd/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /sʌm/

I'm going back for Marshall; I just need to get some money.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /bæk/ /fɔːr/ /dʒʌst/ /niːd/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /ˈmʌn.i/

You have nothing to worry about; these are the "good" mobsters.

/juː/ /hæv/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈwʌri/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðiːz/ /ɡʊd/

Wow, what kind of bozo does that to a friend?

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /dʌz/ /ðæt/ /frɛnd/

Shut it, Ralph Macchio!

/ʃʌt/ /ɪt/

No, you shut it!

/noʊ/ /juː/ /ʃʌt/ /ɪt/

Ralph Macchio's right, you are a bozo.

/raɪt/ /juː/

Um, I think they prefer "people of bright color."

/θɪŋk/ /ðeɪ/ /prɪˈfɜːr/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /braɪt/ /ˈkʌlər/

You know what a bachelor party's about?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /əˈbaʊt/

Hanging out with your friends and having a good time.

/ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /frɛndz/ /ænd/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /ɡʊd/ /taɪm/

But you only care about the good time, not the friends.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ˈoʊnli/ /kɛr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɡʊd/ /taɪm/ /frɛndz/

So you know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I'm-I'm done caring about you then.

/dʌn/ /əˈbaʊt/ /juː/ /ðɛn/

I'm out of here.

/aʊt/ /hɪr/

Ted... Ted...

Ted, Ted, I have...

/hæv/

I just tore your mom away from a living version

/dʒʌst/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/ /əˈweɪ/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/ /ˈvɜːrʒən/

of a Nick Nolte mug shot and put her in a cab home.

/ʃɒt/ /ænd/ /pʊt/ /hɜːr/ /kæb/ /hoʊm/

Thank you for abandoning me

/juː/ /fɔːr/ /miː/

on what has been one of the worst nights of my life.

/ɒn/ /wɒt/ /hæz/ /wɜːrst/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

So, it's my usual fee, plus I always charge

/maɪ/ /plʌs/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

an extra hundred for girl-on-clown action.

/ˈɛkstrə/ /ˈhʌndrəd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈæk.ʃən/

What the hell is she doing here?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/ /hɪr/

Robin, I swear, nothing happened.

/swɛər/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/

That means just hand stuff.

/ðæt/ /dʒʌst/ /hænd/ /stʌf/

You...! Oh!

/juː/

No, no, stop, stop, stop!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /stɒp/ /stɒp/ /stɒp/

Sorry, Barney,

/ˈsɒr.i/

this... this-this is unforgivable.

/ɪz/

It's over.

/ˈoʊ.vər/

You know...

/juː/ /noʊ/

I never got to do that.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/ /ðæt/

Ted? Ted?

Robin. Robin.

We're right on schedule.

/raɪt/ /ɒn/ /ˈskɛdʒuːl/

Barney is suicidal. I know, it's awesome!

/ɪz/ /noʊ/ /ˈɔːsəm/

Yep, kids, we had planned out

/kɪdz/ /wiː/ /hæd/ /aʊt/

every step of the night.

/ˈɛv.ri/ /stɛp/ /naɪt/

It started three weeks earlier.

/ɪt/ /θriː/ /ˈɜːrliər/

...and you will disappoint me.

/ænd/ /juː/ /wɪl/ /miː/

But make it great, okay?

/bʌt/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /ɡreɪt/

Oh, it'll be great, all right!

/biː/ /ɡreɪt/ /ɔːl/ /raɪt/

Okay, after two weeks of brainstorming,

/ˈæf.tər/ /tuː/

all I have on my list so far is Purell.

/ɔːl/ /hæv/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /lɪst/ /fɑːr/ /ɪz/

Marshall, what do you got?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/

Well, nothing now.

/wɛl/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /naʊ/

This is impossible!

/ɪz/ /ɪmˈpɒsɪbl/

How do you make something memorable for a guy

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /meɪk/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fɔːr/ /ɡaɪ/

who makes every night the best night of his life?

/huː/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /naɪt/ /bɛst/ /naɪt/ /hɪz/ /laɪf/

Give him the worst night of his life.

/ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /wɜːrst/ /naɪt/ /hɪz/ /laɪf/

We'll give him the worst hotel room

/ɡɪv/ /hɪm/ /wɜːrst/ /hoʊˈtɛl/ /ruːm/

with the worst entertainment,

/wɪð/ /wɜːrst/

the wrong Karate Kid,

/rɒŋ/ /kəˈrɑːti/ /kɪd/

and the absolute last stripper he would want to see.

/ænd/ /læst/ /hiː/ /wʊd/ /wɒnt/ /siː/

Hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

You want me to pretend my life's gone to crap

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /maɪ/ /ɡɔːn/

and I'm back to stripping just screw with my ex-fiancé?

/ænd/ /bæk/ /dʒʌst/ /skruː/ /wɪð/ /maɪ/

I love it!

/lʌv/ /ɪt/

That party will be so terrible, he'll have to leave it.

/ðæt/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/ /hæv/ /liːv/ /ɪt/

Then I'll instruct his arch-nemesis to say...

/ðɛn/ /hɪz/ /seɪ/

I mean, what kind of loser has his bachelor party

/miːn/ /wɒt/ /kaɪnd/ /hæz/ /hɪz/ /ˈbætʃələr/ /ˈpɑːrti/

ten yards from A.C. and doesn't even gamble?

/tɛn/ /ænd/ /ˈiːvən/

Barney will take the envelope of cash I gave him

/wɪl/ /teɪk/ /ɡeɪv/ /hɪm/

and head straight into our trap.

/ænd/ /hɛd/ /streɪt/ /aʊər/

Hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

You want us to rig a casino game

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ʌs/ /ɡeɪm/

to trick one of our former high rollers?

/aʊər/ /haɪ/

Um...

I love it.

/lʌv/ /ɪt/

Well, then you get Barney

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/

to use one of these guys as collateral.

/juːz/ /ðiːz/ /ɡaɪz/

He'll probably choose me. What?

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /tʃuːz/ /miː/ /wɒt/

Well, I'd be worth more.

/wɛl/ /biː/ /wɜːrθ/ /mɔːr/

Yeah. Perfect teeth.

/ˈpɜːr.fɪkt/ /tiːθ/

Yeah, it's just, uh,

/dʒʌst/

just I'm way more athletic than you.

/dʒʌst/ /weɪ/ /mɔːr/ /æθˈlɛtɪk/ /ðæn/ /juː/

Yeah, this coming from the guy

/ɡaɪ/

who's never beaten me at skee-ball.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /miː/

The only reason a mobster might choose you is because

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈriːzən/ /maɪt/ /tʃuːz/ /juː/ /ɪz/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

they'd be afraid I'd go all "Marshall Unchained" on them,

/biː/ /əˈfreɪd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɔːl/ /ɒn/ /ðɛm/

which obviously isn't a risk with you.

/wɪtʃ/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /rɪsk/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Oh, you want to see some "Ted Unchained," huh?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /siː/ /sʌm/

I'll show you Ted Unchained!

/ʃoʊ/ /juː/

Marshall, would you mind

/wʊd/ /juː/ /maɪnd/

standing over there for good luck?

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ðɛr/ /fɔːr/ /ɡʊd/ /lʌk/

Oh, yeah, sure.

/ʃʊr/

Meanwhile, I'll make sure

/meɪk/ /ʃʊr/

he's abandoned me in my nightmare scenario.

/miː/ /maɪ/

Hold on. You want me to help you trick my own son?

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /hɛlp/ /juː/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/ /sʌn/

I love it.

/lʌv/ /ɪt/

Barney deserves it.

/ɪt/

You know, he told me you were a virgin.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /hiː/ /toʊld/ /miː/ /juː/ /wɜːr/

Ridiculous!

I know.

/noʊ/

You are a dirty ho-bag just like me.

/juː/ /ˈdɜːrti/ /dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /miː/

But he loves you so much.

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /lʌvz/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/

And so do I.

/ænd/ /duː/

Wait, hold on. Is there any chance

/weɪt/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /tʃæns/

this is all too mean to Barney?

/ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /miːn/

Just kidding.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈkɪdɪŋ/

Okay, we just need the finale.

/wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /niːd/

Oh! The Chinese mobsters chop off my hand

/ɒf/ /maɪ/ /hænd/

right in front of Barney!

/raɪt/

Yes, we're all equally enthused!

/ɔːl/

Okay, here's the plan. After I storm off...

/plæn/ /ˈæf.tər/ /stɔːrm/ /ɒf/

Barney! Barney!

Barney, hurry! Give them the money!

/ˈhʌri/ /ɡɪv/ /ðɛm/ /ˈmʌn.i/

Please, hurry! Oh, no!

/pliːz/ /ˈhʌri/ /noʊ/

The Chinese mobster is giving Marshall back

/ɪz/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /bæk/

and taking me hostage instead,

/ænd/ /miː/ /ɪnˈstɛd/

because he says I'm obviously more valuable!

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /hiː/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /mɔːr/

Can you, can you unlock the door?

/kæn/ /juː/ /kæn/ /juː/ /dɔːr/

Barney, please!

/pliːz/

They're gonna chop off my hand!

/ɒf/ /maɪ/ /hænd/

No, they're not!

/noʊ/

They said you're free, and I think

/ðeɪ/ /sɛd/ /friː/ /ænd/ /θɪŋk/

we agreed that's not something mobsters would do.

/wiː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /wʊd/ /duː/

Ted, come on! This is my thing!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɪz/ /maɪ/ /θɪŋ/

Don't hurt him.

/hɜːrt/ /hɪm/

I've got the money.

/ˈmʌn.i/

Too late!

/leɪt/

Not my skee-ball hand!

/maɪ/ /hænd/

No...! No...!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

No!

/noʊ/

Please, just don't shoot me in the face... or the crotch!

/pliːz/ /dʒʌst/ /ʃuːt/ /miː/ /feɪs/

Surprise!

/sərˈpraɪz/

What's going on?

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɒn/

Well, we decided to give you