Season 8 · Tập 6

In the fall of 2012,

/fɔːl/

Nick and Robin were going strong.

/ænd/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /strɒŋ/

Sometimes it's hard to say what it is exactly

/ˈsʌm.taɪmz/ /hɑːrd/ /seɪ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

that makes a couple click.

/ðæt/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /klɪk/

Wow. Wow.

Bravissimo! Bravissimo!

Whatever it was, kids, Nick and Robin

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /kɪdz/ /ænd/

really connected at first.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /fɜːrst/

Hey, you know, I think I'm really starting

/juː/ /noʊ/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

to feel something here...

/fiːl/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /hɪr/

But then, as often happens, they started to drift apart.

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ˈɔː.fən/ /ˈhæpənz/ /ðeɪ/

Why?

/waɪ/

Who can say?

/huː/ /kæn/ /seɪ/

Nick and I haven't had sex in three days.

/ænd/ /hæd/ /sɛks/ /θriː/

And it's your fault.

/ænd/ /jʊr/ /fɔːlt/

Nick won't have sex

/hæv/ /sɛks/

because he pulled his groin muscle,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /hiː/ /hɪz/ /ˈmʌsəl/

all 'cause you made him join your stupid basketball team.

/ɔːl/ /kɔːz/ /juː/ /hɪm/ /dʒɔɪn/ /jʊr/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /tiːm/

Did you say "stupid basketball team"?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /seɪ/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /tiːm/

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, guys,

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/ /ɡaɪz/

we have to rush Robin to the hospital.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈhɒspɪtəl/

Because somehow, she swallowed her vocal cords

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ʃiː/ /hɜːr/

and they got lodged in her rectum,

/ænd/ /ðeɪ/ /hɜːr/

because she's talking out of her ass.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /aʊt/ /hɜːr/

Over the summer, Marshall had joined

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈsʌmər/ /hæd/

a midtown professionals basketball league.

/ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /liːɡ/

His team of lawyers was called The Force Majeurs.

/hɪz/ /tiːm/ /wɒz/ /fɔːrs/

Ever since they lost to a group of accountants,

/ˈɛv.ər/ /sɪns/ /ðeɪ/ /lɒst/ /ɡruːp/

he'd started getting a little intense about it.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

You sure you didn't have a ringer or two out there, Joel?

/juː/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /hæv/ /tuː/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

Don't know what you're talking about.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/

Good hustle out there, Aboubakar!

/ɡʊd/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/

If Joel can use ringers, then so can we.

/ɪf/ /kæn/ /juːz/ /ðɛn/ /kæn/ /wiː/

And Nick is our best player.

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /aʊər/ /bɛst/ /ˈpleɪər/

So as far as I'm concerned,

/fɑːr/

you can both keep your groins on ice.

/juː/ /kæn/ /boʊθ/ /kiːp/ /jʊr/ /ɒn/ /aɪs/

Groins on Ice.

/ɒn/ /aɪs/

Least popular

/liːst/ /ˈpɒpjʊlər/

Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.

/ˈɡɑːr.dən/ /ˈhɒlɪdeɪ/ /ʃoʊ/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Why are you so into this basketball league?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /liːɡ/

Robin, it's the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Who Work In Midtown League.

/huː/ /wɜːrk/ /liːɡ/

It's The Show!

/ʃoʊ/

You know, it's kind of funny,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈfʌn.i/

imagining people icing their groins.

/ˈpiː.pəl/ /ðɛr/

I mean, first they'd be all cold,

/miːn/ /fɜːrst/ /biː/ /ɔːl/ /koʊld/

and then the ice would start to melt,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /aɪs/ /wʊd/ /stɑːrt/ /mɛlt/

and things would get all wet and... steamy.

/ænd/ /θɪŋz/ /wʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /ɔːl/ /wɛt/ /ænd/

Okay, Lily.

Look, buddy,

/lʊk/ /ˈbʌdi/

I'm also the captain of a team

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /ˈkæptɪn/ /tiːm/

in the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Who Work In Midtown League.

/huː/ /wɜːrk/ /liːɡ/

I'm addicted to the adrenaline, too.

Still, don't you think you're getting

/juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

a little obsessive about...

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /əˈbaʊt/

Uh, hold up, hold up.

/hoʊld/ /ʌp/ /hoʊld/ /ʌp/

Are you suggesting that you are

/juː/ /ðæt/ /juː/

a member of a sports team and you're the captain?

/spɔːrts/ /tiːm/ /ænd/ /ˈkæptɪn/

So says the "C"

I personally sewed onto my jersey.

/maɪ/ /ˈdʒɜːrzi/

After Victoria and I broke up,

/ˈæf.tər/ /ænd/ /ʌp/

I had some free time.

/hæd/ /sʌm/ /friː/ /taɪm/

So, called up a few architect friends

/ʌp/ /fjuː/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/ /frɛndz/

and put together a little team

/ænd/ /pʊt/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /tiːm/

called the T-Squares.

See that?

/siː/ /ðæt/

The floor's uneven.

And that window placement is rubbish.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/ /ɪz/

You know, if a genie gave me one wish,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /ɡeɪv/ /miː/ /wɪʃ/

I would knock down that wall and create a nice flow.

/wʊd/ /nɒk/ /daʊn/ /ðæt/ /wɔːl/ /ænd/ /kriˈeɪt/ /naɪs/

Great wish.

/ɡreɪt/ /wɪʃ/

I mean, there's too much hardwood, right?

/miːn/ /mʌtʃ/ /raɪt/

Did you nerds actually play any basketball?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /pleɪ/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/

Um, us nerds focused on something far more important:

/ʌs/ /ɒn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /fɑːr/ /mɔːr/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

bonding.

You guys are going to get pounded.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɡɛt/

And I am not.

/ænd/

Oh, come on. You can't go a couple weeks without sex?

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /sɛks/

Our point guard's a 52-year-old virgin, happy as a clam.

/aʊər/ /pɔɪnt/ /ˈhæp.i/

I'm sure he's quite a ball handler.

/ʃʊr/ /kwaɪt/ /bɔːl/

The problem is, now that we're not having sex,

/ˈprɒbləm/ /ɪz/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /sɛks/

we're talking more,

/mɔːr/

and I'm realizing that Nick is kind of...

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /kaɪnd/

dumb. ngu.

Really? News to me.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /njuːz/ /miː/

I hadn't noticed that. No.

/ðæt/ /noʊ/

Oh, my God.

/maɪ/

You guys think that he's dumb, too?

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/

So dumb.

Air bags are sharper.

/ɛr/

Hot as lava but just as thick.

/hɒt/ /bʌt/ /dʒʌst/ /θɪk/

Wow. When did you guys start to notice that he was kind of dumb?

/wɛn/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈnoʊtɪs/ /ðæt/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /kaɪnd/

Well, there was that time Nick was doing the crossword.

/wɛl/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/

Hey, what's a four- letter word for cut?

/ˈlɛt.ər/ /wɜːrd/ /fɔːr/ /kʌt/

"Nick."

Yeah?

Is a four-letter word for cut.

/ɪz/ /wɜːrd/ /fɔːr/ /kʌt/

What is?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/

"Nick." What?

/wɒt/

Oh. I got it.

/ɪt/

"Shave."

And there was the comment about Gypsies.

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /əˈbaʊt/

No, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

I think Gypsies prefer

/θɪŋk/ /prɪˈfɜːr/

to be called Romani now.

/biː/ /naʊ/

Do they? Really?

/duː/ /ðeɪ/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

And what do unicorns and, uh, elves

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /duː/ /ænd/

and leprechauns prefer to be called?

/ænd/ /prɪˈfɜːr/ /biː/

You do know, uh, Gypsies are

/juː/ /duː/ /noʊ/

a real ethnic group that actually exists?

/riːl/ /ɡruːp/ /ðæt/ /ˈæktʃuəli/

Oh, you guys, I feel terrible now.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /fiːl/ /ˈtɛrɪbl/ /naʊ/

I always thought they were just made up,

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /θɔːt/ /ðeɪ/ /wɜːr/ /dʒʌst/ /ʌp/

like goblins or trolls or dolphins.

/laɪk/

And then there's that story you told about how you and Nick

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ðæt/ /ˈstɔːri/ /juː/ /toʊld/ /əˈbaʊt/ /haʊ/ /juː/ /ænd/

picked up that Danish exchange student

/ʌp/ /ðæt/ /ɪksˈtʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈstuː.dənt/

and you all took a shower together.

/ænd/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /tʊk/ /ˈʃaʊər/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

I never told a story like that.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /toʊld/ /ˈstɔːri/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Well, no time like the present.

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /taɪm/ /laɪk/ /ˈprɛz.ənt/

Let's give this

/ɡɪv/

Danish ho a name.

/neɪm/

I'm thinking Nadia.

Yeah, she sounds slutty and bi-curious.

/ʃiː/ /ænd/

What is wrong with you?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /rɒŋ/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Your kid is right there.

/jʊr/ /kɪd/ /ɪz/ /raɪt/ /ðɛr/

Maybe want to clean it up a lit...

/ˈmeɪbi/ /wɒnt/ /kliːn/ /ɪt/ /ʌp/

You're wearing a baby and you're doing pull-ups?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ænd/

No, Ted, I'm sitting around getting soft,

/noʊ/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /sɒft/

'cause that's what champions do.

/kɔːz/ /wɒt/ /duː/

The problem is, now that I know how dumb Nick is,

/ˈprɒbləm/ /ɪz/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /ɪz/

it's kind of making me reconsider the relationship.

/kaɪnd/ /miː/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

Why?

/waɪ/

Eventually, Nick's groin will heal

/wɪl/

and you'll be back in Sexville,

/ænd/ /biː/ /bæk/

where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill.

/wɛr/ /ɔːl/ /ˈpʌzəlz/ /ˈoʊnli/ /hæv/ /bɒks/ /fɪl/

Talk about a double standard.

/tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈdʌbəl/ /ˈstændərd/

Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈæf.tər/ /huː/ /tɛl/ /taɪm/

or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow.

/ɡoʊst/

But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy

/bʌt/ /fɔːr/ /deɪt/ /ɡaɪ/

who can't be trusted around outlets.

/huː/ /biː/ /əˈraʊnd/

Dump him!

/dʌmp/ /hɪm/

Okay, that is ridiculous.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/

Is Nick a genius? No.

/ɪz/ /noʊ/

But does he have

/bʌt/ /dʌz/ /hiː/ /hæv/

average intelligence?

No.

/noʊ/

But he is

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /ɪz/

a human being, with a heart!

/ˈhjuːmən/ /wɪð/ /hɑːrt/

And you're afraid if I dump him, it'll throw off his game.

/ænd/ /əˈfreɪd/ /ɪf/ /dʌmp/ /hɪm/ /θroʊ/ /ɒf/ /hɪz/ /ɡeɪm/

Robin, he got 36 points and 17 rebounds last week.

/hiː/ /pɔɪnts/ /ænd/ /læst/ /wiːk/

And that was with his shoes on the wrong feet.

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /wɒz/ /wɪð/ /hɪz/ /ʃuːz/ /ɒn/ /rɒŋ/ /fiːt/

Well, you're probably all wondering

/wɛl/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /ɔːl/

how the T-Squares' practice went today.

/haʊ/ /ˈpræk.tɪs/ /wɛnt/ /təˈdeɪ/

The T-What?

We played up here.

/wiː/ /ʌp/ /hɪr/

Basketball, people don't realize,

/ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

is all geometry, physics and engineering.

/ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈfɪzɪks/ /ænd/

If you think like an architect,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /laɪk/ /ˈɑːrkɪtekt/

you could win a thousand games without ever touching a ball.

/juː/ /kʊd/ /wɪn/ /ɡeɪmz/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /bɔːl/

What happened to your ball?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /jʊr/ /bɔːl/

Some kids from the Hebrew school next door took it

/sʌm/ /kɪdz/ /skuːl/ /nɛkst/ /dɔːr/ /tʊk/ /ɪt/

and wouldn't give it back.

/ænd/ /ɡɪv/ /ɪt/ /bæk/

Oh. Oh.

Oy. Oy.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Oh, thanks. Hey. Hey. Oh, thanks.

How'd the breakup with Nick go?

/ˈbreɪkʌp/ /wɪð/ /ɡoʊ/

Well... Well...

/wɛl/ /wɛl/

So, I went to this fortune teller today

/wɛnt/ /təˈdeɪ/

and she said there was a curse on me.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /sɛd/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /miː/

Did she sell you something to ward off the curse?

/dɪd/ /ʃiː/ /sɛl/ /juː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɒf/

It's like you're a fortune teller, too.

/laɪk/

Nick, um... Nick, um...

I think we need to talk.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /tɔːk/

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh... it's just...

/dʒʌst/

Whoa, these are hard.

/ðiːz/ /hɑːrd/

Anyway, this $500 bracelet will ward off evil

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /wɪl/ /ɒf/ /ˈiːvəl/

till the end of the week, so...

/ɛnd/ /wiːk/

Do you think that you could do,

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /duː/

uh, sit-ups or something while you talk?

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /waɪl/ /juː/ /tɔːk/

Yeah.

Anyway, this fortune teller,

/ˈɛniweɪ/

she was able to tell me all sorts of stuff about my future,

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /ɔːl/ /stʌf/ /əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

just from my credit cards and my social security number,

/dʒʌst/ /maɪ/ /kɑːrdz/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈsoʊʃəl/ /sɪˈkjʊərɪti/ /ˈnʌmbər/

I knew you'd cave.

/njuː/

Which is why I came up with

/wɪtʃ/ /ɪz/ /waɪ/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/

a little extra incentive

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈɛkstrə/

to break up with Nick.

/breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/

End it by 8:00 p.m. tonight or this invite goes live.

/ɛnd/ /ɪt/ /təˈnaɪt/ /ɪnˈvaɪt/ /ɡoʊz/ /lɪv/

"Robin and Patrice's

/ænd/

BFF Fun Day?!"

/fʌn/ /deɪ/

Kids, Patrice was a coworker of Robin's

/kɪdz/ /wɒz/

who'd become sort of obsessed with her.

/bɪˈkʌm/ /sɔːrt/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Robin had managed, until now,

/hæd/ /ənˈtɪl/ /naʊ/

to keep Patrice at arms length.

/kiːp/ /ɑːrmz/

But if Patrice were invited to something called

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /wɜːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day,

/ænd/ /fʌn/ /deɪ/

she'd latch onto Robin and never let go.

/ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /lɛt/ /ɡoʊ/

Why would you do that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/

Delete that right now!

/ðæt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

No! If I don't give you a little push,

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /pʊʃ/

you'll let this drag on until Nick can have sex again,

/lɛt/ /ɒn/ /ənˈtɪl/ /kæn/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /əˈɡɛn/

and then you'll be right back to procrastinating on all fours.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /biː/ /raɪt/ /bæk/ /ɒn/ /ɔːl/

I hate to admit it, but the man in the suit has a point.

/heɪt/ /ədˈmɪt/ /ɪt/ /bʌt/ /mæn/ /suːt/ /hæz/ /pɔɪnt/

Ugh! Ugh!

/ʌɡ/ /ʌɡ/

Fine, but the playoffs are coming up soon,

/faɪn/ /bʌt/ /ʌp/ /suːn/

and I can't have this guy an emotional wreck.

/ænd/ /hæv/ /ɡaɪ/ /ɪˈmoʊʃənəl/

If you do dump him, at least let him down easy.

/ɪf/ /juː/ /duː/ /dʌmp/ /hɪm/ /liːst/ /lɛt/ /hɪm/ /daʊn/ /ˈiː.zi/

Yeah, take him to a nice restaurant.

/teɪk/ /hɪm/ /naɪs/ /ˈrɛstərɒnt/

Preferably a dessert place.

/dɪˈzɜːrt/ /pleɪs/

That way, you won't have to sit through a whole meal

/ðæt/ /weɪ/ /juː/ /hæv/ /sɪt/ /θruː/ /hoʊl/ /miːl/

before you get to...

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/

Splitsville. Exactly.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/

No, Splitsville.

/noʊ/

It's a dessert place right around the corner.

/dɪˈzɜːrt/ /pleɪs/ /raɪt/ /əˈraʊnd/ /ˈkɔːrnər/

It's sort of the place to end a relationship.

/sɔːrt/ /pleɪs/ /ɛnd/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/

Uh, Nick, listen.

/ˈlɪs.ən/

You are awesome

/juː/ /ˈɔːsəm/

and totally sweet, but we're just not...

/ænd/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /swiːt/ /bʌt/ /dʒʌst/

You know where I'm going with this, right?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛr/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /wɪð/ /raɪt/

No. No clue.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

Okay, um... Okay, um...

I don't know if we should keep seeing each other.

/noʊ/ /ɪf/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /kiːp/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

You want to start turning off the lights during sex?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /stɑːrt/ /ɒf/ /laɪts/ /ˈdʊərɪŋ/ /sɛks/

No. God, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

No! No.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

I am just worried that, as a couple, we're not working out.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈwʌrid/ /ðæt/ /ˈkʌpəl/ /ˈwɜːrkɪŋ/ /aʊt/

You want to start going to the gym together?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /dʒɪm/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

Okay, no, Nick, here is the deal.

/noʊ/ /hɪr/ /ɪz/ /diːl/

Okay... Okay...

Sorry, babe. I got to take this.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /beɪb/ /teɪk/

Excuse me.

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Hello.

Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up?

/ʌp/ /ʌp/

You... Anh....

/juː/

What? I...

/wɒt/

I don't understand.

/ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

But you...

/bʌt/ /juː/

Okay, um, you know what?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

I'm sorry, I-I have to go.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/

What happened?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

I... Anh....

I, um... Anh, um....

Uh, I'm sorry, I can't talk about this.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/

Anyway,

/ˈɛniweɪ/

what were you going to say?

/wɒt/ /wɜːr/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /seɪ/

Uh... Uh...

I was gonna say, order whatever else you want.

/wɒz/ /seɪ/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /ɛls/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

It's on me.

/ɒn/ /miː/

Well, thanks, but I think I'd just rather

/wɛl/ /bʌt/ /θɪŋk/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈrɑːðər/

eat it out of a bowl.

/iːt/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /boʊl/

Well, no doubt you're all wondering

/wɛl/ /noʊ/ /daʊt/ /ɔːl/

how the T-Square's first game went.

/haʊ/ /fɜːrst/ /ɡeɪm/ /wɛnt/

What Squares?

/wɒt/

Picture a well- oiled machine.

/ˈpɪk.tʃər/ /wɛl/ /məˈʃiːn/

Your sewing machine?

/jʊr/ /məˈʃiːn/

There were two seconds left on the clock.

/ðɛr/ /wɜːr/ /tuː/ /lɛft/ /ɒn/ /klɒk/

Aboubakar was all over me.

/wɒz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /miː/

And that's when all my years of architectural training

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /ˈtreɪnɪŋ/

came to my aid.

/maɪ/

I saw the space in a way my opponents never would.

/sɔː/ /speɪs/ /weɪ/ /maɪ/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wʊd/

Yes!

I told you guys I'd make one of these!

/toʊld/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /meɪk/ /ðiːz/

Turns out, those two points were taken away

/aʊt/ /ðoʊz/ /tuː/ /pɔɪnts/ /wɜːr/ /əˈweɪ/

because apparently the ball went "out of bounds."

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /bɔːl/ /wɛnt/ /aʊt/

But don't worry,

/bʌt/ /ˈwʌri/

I'm appealing to the league office.

/liːɡ/ /ˈɒfɪs/

This Aboubakar-- I'm assuming you showered with the guy?

/juː/ /wɪð/ /ɡaɪ/

Paint me a word picture.

/peɪnt/ /miː/ /wɜːrd/ /ˈpɪk.tʃər/

Hello.

Lil, is Barney there?

/ɪz/ /ðɛr/

He's not answering his phone.

/hɪz/ /foʊn/

Mm, he's a little busy right now.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈbɪzi/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

It's Robin.

37... 38...

Put her on speaker. 39...

/pʊt/ /hɜːr/ /ɒn/

When did you start being able to do stuff like this?

/wɛn/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /duː/ /stʌf/ /laɪk/

A few months ago, you had to catch your breath

/fjuː/ /əˈɡoʊ/ /juː/ /hæd/ /jʊr/ /brɛθ/

after making a sandwich.

/ˈæf.tər/ /ˈsænwɪtʃ/

Barney, delete the Robin

and Patrice's BFF Fun Day invite!

/ænd/ /fʌn/ /deɪ/ /ɪnˈvaɪt/

Did you break up with Nick yet?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/ /wɪð/ /jɛt/

I can't! He just got some horrible call.

/hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /sʌm/ /ˈhɒrɪbl/ /kɔːl/

I think a family member might have died or something.

/θɪŋk/ /ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /maɪt/ /hæv/ /daɪd/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Oh! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I mean, good that Robin can't dump him.

/miːn/ /ɡʊd/ /ðæt/ /dʌmp/ /hɪm/

The death part, less good.

/dɛθ/ /pɑːrt/ /lɛs/ /ɡʊd/

Robin, if you dump Nick,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /dʌmp/

he could get mad and tear your blouse off.

/hiː/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /mæd/ /ænd/ /jʊr/ /ɒf/

And then he bites you on the neck,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /hiː/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /nɛk/

not super hard, just on the brink

/ˈsuːpər/ /hɑːrd/ /dʒʌst/ /ɒn/

between pleasure and pain.

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /ænd/ /peɪn/

And then that Danish slut Nadia

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ðæt/

bursts in...

You can't wait. His groin will heal

/juː/ /weɪt/ /hɪz/ /wɪl/

and then before you know it, you'll be marrying a man

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /ˈmæriɪŋ/ /mæn/

who once ate a vanilla-scented candle!

/huː/ /wʌns/ /eɪt/ /ˈkændəl/

That was on me.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ɒn/ /miː/

I shouldn't have left it in the kitchen.

/hæv/ /lɛft/ /ɪt/ /ˈkɪtʃɪn/

Though, it was lit. Man, he dumb.

/ðoʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /mæn/ /hiː/

The invite goes live in five minutes.

/ɪnˈvaɪt/ /ɡoʊz/ /lɪv/ /faɪv/

What?!

/wɒt/

It goes out automatically unless I stop it,

/ɪt/ /ɡoʊz/ /aʊt/ /ənˈlɛs/ /stɒp/ /ɪt/

and that only happens if I hear you dump Nick

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈhæpənz/ /ɪf/ /hɪr/ /juː/ /dʌmp/

on speakerphone before then.

/ɒn/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ðɛn/

Fine.

/faɪn/

Hey, Nick. I'm sorry about that.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

Um, listen,

/ˈlɪs.ən/

there's something I need

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /niːd/

to talk to you about.

/tɔːk/ /juː/ /əˈbaʊt/

No, Robin, I'm sorry. I'm like half here.

/noʊ/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /laɪk/ /hæf/ /hɪr/

That phone call, it just...

/ðæt/ /foʊn/ /kɔːl/ /ɪt/ /dʒʌst/

I got some really bad news.

/sʌm/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /bæd/ /njuːz/

My doctor did an MRI...

/maɪ/ /ˈdɒktər/ /dɪd/

and...

/ænd/

Oh... Oh, God. What, what is it?

/wɒt/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/

My groin injury is worse than they thought.

/maɪ/ /ˈɪndʒəri/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrs/ /ðæn/ /ðeɪ/ /θɔːt/

I can't play basketball for weeks.

/pleɪ/ /ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /fɔːr/

Thank God. I thought he was dying or something.

/θɔːt/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

How many weeks? How many weeks?!

/haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/

Please tell me it's not a tear

/pliːz/ /tɛl/ /miː/

in the iliolumbar ligament.

It's a tear in the "libioflumflar linament."

If it's a small tear, he can still make playoffs.

/ɪf/ /smɔːl/ /hiː/ /kæn/ /meɪk/

It's a big tear.

/bɪɡ/

He better not be out for the season.

/hiː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /biː/ /aʊt/ /fɔːr/

I'm out for the season. Damn it!

/aʊt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

They're going up against The Number Crunchers without me.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /əˈɡɛnst/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /miː/

It's an after-work basketball league for lawyers

/ˈbæskɪtbɔːl/ /liːɡ/ /fɔːr/

and accountants and architects who sew.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /huː/

I mean, who takes it that seriously?

/miːn/ /huː/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/

No...!

/noʊ/

I just hate letting Coach Eriksen down.

/dʒʌst/ /heɪt/ /daʊn/

I would follow that man through the gates of hell!

/wʊd/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /ðæt/ /mæn/ /θruː/

Winning.

/ˈwɪnɪŋ/

What do we win when we beat those Number Crunchers

/wɒt/ /duː/ /wiː/ /wɪn/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /biːt/ /ðoʊz/ /ˈnʌmbər/

a few short weeks hence?

/fjuː/ /ʃɔːrt/

A game? Sure.

/ɡeɪm/ /ʃʊr/

A trophy? Sort of.

/sɔːrt/

We win a $25 gift card to Bennigan's,

/wiː/ /wɪn/ /ɡɪft/

but what is it that we really win?

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /wɪn/

The game!

/ɡeɪm/

Yes, I said that Nick.

/sɛd/ /ðæt/

Right.

/raɪt/

But we also win

/bʌt/ /wiː/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /wɪn/

the right to walk tall.

/raɪt/ /wɔːk/ /tɔːl/

Oh! Oh!

The right to call ourselves champions.

/raɪt/ /kɔːl/

Yeah. So we are gonna

/wiː/

go out and we are

/ɡoʊ/ /aʊt/ /ænd/ /wiː/

gonna wipe the floor with those accountants!

/flɔːr/ /wɪð/ /ðoʊz/

And afterwards, we will feast like kings

/ænd/ /wiː/ /wɪl/ /laɪk/

on Southwest Fajitas and Cajun shrimp!

/ɒn/ /ænd/

And that check, that check will be marginally less expensive!

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /tʃɛk/ /ðæt/ /tʃɛk/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /lɛs/ /ɪkˈspɛnsɪv/

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Now, they're probably gonna have to pay full price for that meal.

/naʊ/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /hæv/ /peɪ/ /fʊl/ /praɪs/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /miːl/

Nick, you are so sweet, but I just...

/juː/ /swiːt/ /bʌt/ /dʒʌst/

Good news is

/ɡʊd/ /njuːz/ /ɪz/

it doesn't really matter if it takes my groin pull

/ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈmætər/ /ɪf/ /ɪt/ /maɪ/ /pʊl/

a little longer to heal,

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈlɒŋɡər/

so I may as well start having sex again.

/meɪ/ /wɛl/ /stɑːrt/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /sɛks/ /əˈɡɛn/

Listening.

/ˈlɪsənɪŋ/

Sickening.

Exiting.

Nick... Huh? Nick... Huh?

I just...

/dʒʌst/

Ah... I... Ah... em...

Hmm? Um... Hmm? Um...

Mm-hmm? Mm-hmm?

Oh... Oh...

What do you think?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

I think I am suddenly in the mood

/θɪŋk/ /ˈsʌd.ən.li/

for something hot.

/fɔːr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /hɒt/

I see. Sounds like I should order some cappuccinos.

/siː/ /laɪk/ /ʃʊd/ /ˈɔːrdər/ /sʌm/

Don't talk till tomorrow morning.

/tɔːk/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

She can't go home with you, Nick.

/ʃiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /hoʊm/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Barney? Why not?

/waɪ/

Because Robin and I are in love.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ænd/ /lʌv/

Barney, what are you doing here?

/wɒt/ /juː/ /hɪr/

Taking care of something

/kɛr/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

you clearly can't do on your own.

/juː/ /ˈklɪərli/ /duː/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /oʊn/

I'm sorry,

/ˈsɒr.i/

but you and Robin are done.

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ænd/ /dʌn/

What? Robin, what is this?

/wɒt/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/

Barney, look, I-I know what you're doing, okay?

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

Please stop.

/pliːz/ /stɒp/

Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings

/wɒnt/ /hɜːrt/ /jʊr/ /ˈfiːlɪŋz/

because you're a nice guy,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /naɪs/ /ɡaɪ/

but she thinks

/bʌt/ /ʃiː/

you're stupid and she hates you.

/ˈstjuːpɪd/ /ænd/ /ʃiː/ /heɪts/ /juː/

You're welcome.

/ˈwɛlkəm/

Stop doing this.

/stɒp/

I love her, Nick.

/lʌv/ /hɜːr/

Look, he doesn't love me.

/lʊk/ /hiː/ /lʌv/ /miː/

He's just saying this because...

/dʒʌst/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

I love everything about her,

/lʌv/ /ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /hɜːr/

and I'm not a guy who says that lightly.

/ænd/ /ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /ðæt/

I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life.

/ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /hæz/ /lʌv/ /hɪz/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /laɪf/

I thought love was just something

/θɔːt/ /lʌv/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

idiots thought they felt,

/θɔːt/ /ðeɪ/ /fɛlt/

but this woman has a hold on my heart

/bʌt/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /hæz/ /hoʊld/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /hɑːrt/

that I could not break if I wanted to,

/ðæt/ /kʊd/ /breɪk/ /ɪf/

and there have been times

/ænd/ /ðɛr/ /hæv/ /taɪmz/

that I wanted to.

/ðæt/

It has been overwhelming and humbling

/ɪt/ /hæz/ /ænd/

and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her

/ænd/ /ˈiːvən/ /ˈpeɪnfəl/ /taɪmz/ /bʌt/ /kʊd/ /stɒp/ /ˈlʌvɪŋ/ /hɜːr/

any more than I could stop breathing.

/ˈɛn.i/ /mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /kʊd/ /stɒp/

I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her.

/lʌv/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

More than she knows.

/mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ʃiː/

Robin, Robin,

is this true?

/ɪz/ /truː/

You heard him.

/juː/ /hɜːrd/ /hɪm/

Oh, wow, it feels like I have

/ɪt/ /fiːlz/ /laɪk/ /hæv/

a pulled groin muscle in my heart.

/ˈmʌsəl/ /maɪ/ /hɑːrt/

Nick, I-I'm so sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

I just think that maybe...

/dʒʌst/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /ˈmeɪbi/

Pardon me.

/miː/

But did you just also get your heart broken?

/bʌt/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /hɑːrt/

Yes. I just got

/dʒʌst/

my heart broken, too!

/maɪ/ /hɑːrt/

Well, do the... the two of you...

/wɛl/ /duː/ /tuː/ /juː/

...want to come back to my place?

/wɒnt/ /kʌm/ /bæk/ /maɪ/ /pleɪs/

Yes. Yes. Come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Thus concluded the Autumn of Breakups,

Wow. Wow.

- Crazy, right? - Yeah,

/ˈkreɪzi/ /raɪt/

you know what would be really crazy?

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈkreɪzi/

If all of 'em

/ɪf/ /ɔːl/

got it on-- Barney, Robin, Nick, and those two women,

/ɪt/ /ɒn/ /ænd/ /ðoʊz/ /tuː/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

and you just know Nadia's watching in the corner

/ænd/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /noʊ/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /ˈkɔːrnər/

with her pet snake.

/wɪð/ /hɜːr/

Okay, why aren't you two having sex?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /tuː/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /sɛks/

What?

/wɒt/

Excuse me?

/ɪkˈskjuːz/ /miː/

Lily has been slobbering over Robin's sex life

/hæz/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /sɛks/ /laɪf/

like a cartoon hobo watching a pie cool on a windowsill,

/laɪk/ /kɑːrˈtuːn/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /paɪ/ /kuːl/ /ɒn/

and you--

/ænd/ /juː/

the only other time you've ever exercised this seriously

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /taɪm/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/

was when Lily had mono freshman year

/wɒz/ /wɛn/ /hæd/ /ˈfrɛʃmən/ /jɪr/

and I caught you doing one-armed push-ups

/ænd/ /juː/

with your genitals over a bowl of ice.

/wɪð/ /jʊr/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /boʊl/ /aɪs/

So, when did

/wɛn/ /dɪd/

you stop doing it and why?

/juː/ /stɒp/ /ɪt/ /ænd/ /waɪ/

It was, you know,

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /juː/ /noʊ/

before Marvin was born.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /wɒz/ /bɔːrn/

What? Th-That's insane.

/wɒt/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

Well, you have to wait a while after having a kid,

/wɛl/ /juː/ /hæv/ /weɪt/ /waɪl/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈhævɪŋ/ /kɪd/

and, and then you're exhausted from being up all night.

/ænd/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ʌp/ /ɔːl/ /naɪt/

And then this uncanny phenomenon began.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/

Wow, Wow,

you guys got to fix this.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /fɪks/

It's not that easy.

/ðæt/ /ˈiː.zi/

Ted, having a kid

/ˈhævɪŋ/ /kɪd/

changes things.

/θɪŋz/

You don't have the time or energy, you're never alone.

/juː/ /hæv/ /taɪm/ /ˈɛnərdʒi/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /əˈloʊn/

Come here.

/kʌm/ /hɪr/

What are you doing?

/wɒt/ /juː/

Taking Marvin for a walk

/fɔːr/ /wɔːk/

so you guys can have some privacy.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /kæn/ /hæv/ /sʌm/

Oh, Ted, come on,

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

that's, that's just not the way that it works.

/dʒʌst/ /weɪ/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrks/

Yeah, it's not like we can have sex on cue.

/laɪk/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /hæv/ /sɛks/ /ɒn/

Yeah, I'll give you guys plenty of time.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /ˈplɛnti/ /taɪm/

Maybe I'll even

/ˈmeɪbi/ /ˈiːvən/

swing by the gym, show Marvin

/dʒɪm/ /ʃoʊ/

where his Uncle Ted made "the shot."

/wɛr/ /hɪz/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /ʃɒt/

If I'm late,

/ɪf/ /leɪt/

it's 'cause I've been delayed by autograph seekers.

/kɔːz/

Oh, forgot Marvin's diaper bag.

/fərˈɡɒt/ /bæɡ/

Yowza! Yowza!

Okay.

And the Oscar for Best Fake Romantic Speech

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /bɛst/ /feɪk/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/ /spiːtʃ/

goes to Barney Stinson.

/ɡoʊz/

I'd like to thank all the ladies over the years

/laɪk/ /ɔːl/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

with whom I've practiced fake romantic speeches

/wɪð/ /feɪk/ /roʊˈmæntɪk/

and, of course, Robin Scherbatsky

/ænd/ /kɔːrs/

for being so hypnotized by hog

/fɔːr/

that she needed me to come and save her.

/ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /miː/ /kʌm/ /ænd/ /seɪv/ /hɜːr/

You know what? I didn't need your help.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /niːd/ /jʊr/ /hɛlp/

You were this close to ripping off his misbuttoned shirt

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /kloʊs/ /ɒf/ /hɪz/ /ʃɜːrt/

and pulling down his inside-out underpants.

/ænd/ /daʊn/ /hɪz/

I'll give you this, you were pretty convincing.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈprɪti/

Hey, tricking good-looking idiots is kind of my thing.

/ɪz/ /kaɪnd/ /maɪ/ /θɪŋ/

No.

/noʊ/

I mean, you were really convincing.

/miːn/ /juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/

Please.

/pliːz/

I was bro-ing you out.

/wɒz/ /juː/ /aʊt/

I'm just glad he bought it so quick.