Season 9 · Tập 16

Well, that party was a dud.

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /ˈpɑːrti/ /wɒz/

I think I struck out with, like, 20 girls.

/θɪŋk/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /laɪk/ /ɡɜːrlz/

And... my condom expired.

/ænd/ /maɪ/

We are losers!

/wiː/

We've tried everything.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

We're covered in Drakkar,

I've got fresh new white socks,

/frɛʃ/ /njuː/

and I thought our mime work in there

/ænd/ /θɔːt/ /aʊər/ /wɜːrk/ /ðɛr/

was excellent!

/wɒz/ /ˈɛksələnt/

What?

/wɒt/

Um, are we in a zombie movie right now?

/wiː/ /ˈmuːvi/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Boys...

/bɔɪz/

today is your lucky day.

/təˈdeɪ/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/ /ˈlʌki/ /deɪ/

Because today...

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /təˈdeɪ/

I'm gonna teach you how to...

/tiːtʃ/ /juː/ /haʊ/

...live.

/lɪv/

Who's got gum?

/ɡʌm/

Kids, for a brief period when I was seven,

/kɪdz/ /fɔːr/ /wɛn/ /wɒz/ /ˈsɛvən/

my best friend was a balloon.

/maɪ/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /wɒz/

It was the classic story:

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈklæsɪk/ /ˈstɔːri/

boy meets balloon,

/bɔɪ/

boy and balloon become friends,

/bɔɪ/ /ænd/ /bɪˈkʌm/ /frɛndz/

boy loses balloon

/bɔɪ/

when Mom sets out hot dogs in the backyard.

/wɛn/ /mɒm/ /aʊt/ /hɒt/ /dɒɡz/

No!

/noʊ/

Decades later, boy's new best friend finds out

/ˈleɪtər/ /njuː/ /bɛst/ /frɛnd/ /aʊt/

about the whole thing and never lets him live it down.

/əˈbaʊt/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /ænd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /hɪm/ /lɪv/ /ɪt/ /daʊn/

I hate you so much.

/heɪt/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/

The whole thing taught me a lesson.

/hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /tɔːt/ /miː/ /ˈlɛs.ən/

If you love something,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

you can never let it go,

/juː/ /kæn/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /lɛt/ /ɪt/ /ɡoʊ/

not even for a second,

/ˈiːvən/ /fɔːr/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

or it's gone forever.

/ɡɔːn/ /fərˈɛvər/

Well, at least I still got my hot dogs.

/wɛl/ /liːst/ /maɪ/ /hɒt/ /dɒɡz/

No!

/noʊ/

It was a lesson that took me

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈlɛs.ən/ /ðæt/ /tʊk/ /miː/

nearly 30 years to unlearn.

/ˈnɪərli/

Where could Barney be?

/wɛr/ /kʊd/ /biː/

Oh, relax. He always finds his way home.

/rɪˈlæks/ /hiː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /hɪz/ /weɪ/ /hoʊm/

St. Patrick's Day, 2008.

/deɪ/

He did not find his way home that night.

/hiː/ /dɪd/ /faɪnd/ /hɪz/ /weɪ/ /hoʊm/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/

That Dumpster was a block from his apartment.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /hɪz/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

I call that a win.

/kɔːl/ /ðæt/ /wɪn/

Also, that isn't the filthiest trash he's ever slept with.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /ðæt/ /træʃ/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /slɛpt/ /wɪð/

Ho! My future husband, folks!

/maɪ/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

Or maybe he bailed on the wedding.

/ˈmeɪbi/ /hiː/ /ɒn/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Oh, come on.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

Don't even think like that.

/ˈiːvən/ /θɪŋk/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Well, he's terrified of commitment--

/wɛl/

although, ironically, loves being tied down...

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /lʌvz/ /daʊn/

Look, as the run-offee at my own almost-wedding,

/lʊk/ /maɪ/ /oʊn/

I can tell you you are fine.

/kæn/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /juː/ /faɪn/

Barney is no Stella. Mmm.

/ɪz/ /noʊ/

Hey, have you talked to her in a while?

/hæv/ /juː/ /hɜːr/ /waɪl/

Stella? Yeah.

The woman who broke my heart

/ˈwʊm.ən/ /huː/ /maɪ/ /hɑːrt/

and embarrassed me in front of

/ænd/ /ɪmˈbærəst/ /miː/

all my friends and loved ones?

/ɔːl/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/ /ænd/ /lʌvd/

Uh... no.

/noʊ/

That was a lie.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /laɪ/

A few days earlier,

/fjuː/ /ˈɜːrliər/

I had talked to Stella on the phone.

/hæd/ /ɒn/ /foʊn/

Because, as you may recall,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /meɪ/

I'm kind of the wedding gift master.

/kaɪnd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ɡɪft/ /ˈmæstər/

Okay, I'm gonna stop you.

/stɒp/ /juː/

Do you not hear

/duː/ /juː/ /hɪr/

how weird this all sounds?

/haʊ/ /ɔːl/

What part of this is weird?

/wɒt/ /pɑːrt/ /ɪz/

You're going to your ex-girlfriend's wedding.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

It's not weird at all. Where you'll be the best man...

/ɔːl/ /wɛr/ /biː/ /bɛst/ /mæn/

Utterly not weird.

And now, less than a week before the wedding,

/ænd/ /naʊ/ /lɛs/ /ðæn/ /wiːk/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

you're calling the woman who left you at the altar

/ˈkɔːlɪŋ/ /ˈwʊm.ən/ /huː/ /lɛft/ /juː/

and moved three time zones away

/ænd/ /θriː/ /taɪm/ /əˈweɪ/

on the razor-thin chance

/ɒn/ /tʃæns/

that I somehow ended up

/ðæt/ /ʌp/

with her grandmother's locket?

/wɪð/ /hɜːr/

You know what's weird, Stella?

/juː/ /noʊ/

Not seeing Star Wars

/stɑːr/

until you're 30.

/ənˈtɪl/

You're trying to blow up the wedding.

/ʌp/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

You called C-3PO "the Tin Man."

/juː/ /mæn/

He is made of tin!

/hiː/ /ɪz/

It's Tatooine scrap metal!

This is not an argument you are gonna win.

/ɪz/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/ /juː/ /wɪn/

Now, do you have the locket or not?

/naʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /hæv/

Look, I might have it somewhere

/lʊk/ /maɪt/ /hæv/ /ɪt/ /ˈsʌmwɛr/

in one of my old boxes in our storage locker,

/maɪ/ /oʊld/ /aʊər/

but even if I did, I cannot get out there this week.

/bʌt/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɪf/ /dɪd/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /ðɛr/ /wiːk/

I'm totally swamped.

/ˈtoʊtəli/

One ticket to Los Angeles, please.

/ˈtɪkɪt/ /pliːz/

So the reason someone can't come up

/ˈriːzən/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /kʌm/ /ʌp/

to fix the air conditioning

/fɪks/ /ɛr/

is that the ghost of Captain Dearduff,

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /ɡoʊst/ /ˈkæptɪn/

who haunts this room,

/huː/ /ruːm/

likes it muggy?

/ɪt/

That's correct.

/kəˈrɛkt/

Although, now that I say it out loud,

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /naʊ/ /ðæt/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /laʊd/

it does sound kind of ridiculous,

/ɪt/ /dʌz/ /saʊnd/ /kaɪnd/

because there's no such thing as ghosts.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /noʊ/ /sʌtʃ/ /θɪŋ/

Right?

/raɪt/

You have outflanked me, Front Desk Guy!

/juː/ /hæv/ /miː/ /dɛsk/ /ɡaɪ/

Victory is yours!

/ɪz/ /jɔːrz/

The truth is, there was a ghost in that room.

/truːθ/ /ɪz/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ɡoʊst/ /ðæt/ /ruːm/

You see, minutes earlier,

/juː/ /siː/ /ˈɜːrliər/

Marshall had been in the middle of the worst fight

/hæd/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /wɜːrst/ /faɪt/

of his marriage,

/hɪz/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

when all of sudden, Lily stormed out.

/wɛn/ /ɔːl/ /aʊt/

Damn it, Lily.

/ɪt/

This is so unfair.

/ɪz/ /ʌnˈfɛr/

I know!

/noʊ/

Storming out in the middle of an argument?

/aʊt/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/

So childish!

Thank you, Ghost Lily.

/juː/ /ɡoʊst/

I'm glad at least you see it that way.

/ɡlæd/ /liːst/ /juː/ /siː/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /weɪ/

Although, let's be honest, I did you a favor.

/ɔːlˈðoʊ/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/ /dɪd/ /juː/

You were gonna lose.

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /luːz/

I... what? Anh.....sao?

/wɒt/

I was gonna lose?

/wɒz/ /luːz/

Uh, check your spectral scorecard, Ghost Lily.

/tʃɛk/ /jʊr/ /ɡoʊst/

I had you on the ropes.

/hæd/ /juː/ /ɒn/

That's why you ran out.

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ræn/ /aʊt/

I ran out because you brought up San Francisco.

/ræn/ /aʊt/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /frænˈsɪskoʊ/

It was a valid point.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /pɔɪnt/

It's ancient history.

/ˈhɪstəri/

If you're mad at anyone,

/ɪf/ /mæd/ /ˈɛniwʌn/

you're mad at 2006 Lily.

/mæd/

Well, I can't very well have an argument with 2006...

/wɛl/ /ˈvɛr.i/ /wɛl/ /hæv/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/ /wɪð/

Is nice!

/ɪz/ /naɪs/

Do people still say that?

/duː/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /seɪ/ /ðæt/

I'm sorry, how exactly

/ˈsɒr.i/ /haʊ/ /ɪɡˈzæktli/

are you gonna teach us how to live?

/juː/ /tiːtʃ/ /ʌs/ /haʊ/ /lɪv/

The journey to awesome

/ˈdʒɜːrni/ /ˈɔːsəm/

starts with a single...

/wɪð/ /ˈsɪŋɡəl/

Actually, lots of singles.

/ˈæktʃuəli/

We're going to a strip club.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /klʌb/

Strip club?

/klʌb/

We're in the middle of nowhere.

/ˈmɪdəl/

There is always a strip club.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /klʌb/

Hey, are you a little worried this guy might kill us?

/juː/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈwʌrid/ /ɡaɪ/ /maɪt/ /kɪl/ /ʌs/

We just put a down payment on adult bunk beds.

/wiː/ /dʒʌst/ /pʊt/ /daʊn/ /ɒn/ /ˈædʌlt/

Would getting killed really be so bad?

/wʊd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /kɪld/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /biː/ /bæd/

Good point. I got a weird feeling.

/ɡʊd/ /pɔɪnt/ /ˈfiːlɪŋ/

I mean, there's something off about...

/miːn/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɒf/ /əˈbaʊt/

Whoa! Whoa!

why does this sign say "gentlemen's club"?

/waɪ/ /dʌz/ /saɪn/ /seɪ/ /klʌb/

Answer: because The Crab Shed

/ˈæn.sər/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

is a place for gentlemen.

/ɪz/ /pleɪs/ /fɔːr/

A gentleman

tips generously.

A gentleman uses

the complimentary bathroom cologne...

/ˈbæθruːm/

...but not too much.

/bʌt/ /mʌtʃ/

Oh. This is important.

/ɪz/ /ɪmˈpɔːr.tənt/

Your instinct may be

/jʊr/ /meɪ/ /biː/

to avoid the free buffet.

/əˈvɔɪd/ /friː/

Your instinct is wrong.

/jʊr/ /ɪz/ /rɒŋ/

Don't sleep on the meatballs, gentlemen.

/sliːp/ /ɒn/

They are exquisite!

/ðeɪ/

Come on!

/kʌm/ /ɒn/

You know, I liked Stella.

/juː/ /noʊ/

Even though she broke your heart,

/ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /ʃiː/ /jʊr/ /hɑːrt/

I'd still put her in your top five.

/pʊt/ /hɜːr/ /jʊr/ /tɒp/ /faɪv/

Which are...?

/wɪtʃ/

All right, number five, Stella. Mm-hmm.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /faɪv/

Number four, Zoey.

/ˈnʌmbər/

Number three, uh, the Slutty Pumpkin.

/ˈnʌmbər/ /θriː/ /ˈpʌmpkɪn/

Ah. Ah.

Number two, Marshall,

/ˈnʌmbər/ /tuː/

that time you guys pretended to be a couple

/ðæt/ /taɪm/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /biː/ /ˈkʌpəl/

when Barney was trying to sell the apartment.

/wɛn/ /wɒz/ /sɛl/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/

And number one, Victoria.

/ænd/ /ˈnʌmbər/

Well, you've given this some thought.

/wɛl/ /ˈɡɪv.ən/ /sʌm/ /θɔːt/

Well, we all have.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /hæv/

There's kind of a running e-mail chain about it.

/kaɪnd/ /ˈrʌnɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

But the pastry chef was the best.

/bʌt/ /ʃɛf/ /wɒz/ /bɛst/

No question.

/noʊ/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

I do miss her sticky buns.

/duː/ /mɪs/ /hɜːr/

Uh, euphemism?

Nope.

Can I be honest?

/kæn/ /biː/ /ˈɒnɪst/

Um, it was kind of crazy how all of sudden

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈkreɪzi/ /haʊ/ /ɔːl/

it was just... over between you and Victoria.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /bɪˈtwiːn/ /juː/ /ænd/

I mean...

/miːn/

you guys were seven years in the making.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /wɜːr/ /ˈsɛvən/

She left her fiancé for you.

/ʃiː/ /lɛft/ /hɜːr/ /fɔːr/ /juː/

What... why would you break up?

/wɒt/ /waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /breɪk/ /ʌp/

What happened?

/wɒt/ /ˈhæpənd/

We, um...

/wiː/

we broke up because of you.

/wiː/ /ʌp/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/

Oh, my God, this is amazing!

/maɪ/ /ɪz/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/

I ruined my pants, but it's totally worth it!

/maɪ/ /pænts/ /bʌt/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /wɜːrθ/ /ɪt/

Best meatballs ever!

/bɛst/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Mmm! I'm gonna ask

/æsk/

a serious question right now.

/ˈsɪəriəs/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Can a person live in a strip club?

/kæn/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /lɪv/ /klʌb/

Yes.

For the next few years,

/fɔːr/ /nɛkst/ /fjuː/

your strip club will be like home.

/jʊr/ /klʌb/ /wɪl/ /biː/ /laɪk/ /hoʊm/

Then, one day, you'll date a stripper

/ðɛn/ /deɪ/ /deɪt/

and almost marry her, and after that,

/ænd/ /ˈɔːlmoʊst/ /ˈmæri/ /hɜːr/ /ænd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/

you'll realize you're done with strip clubs.

/dʌn/ /wɪð/

In the sense that you'll dial it back to, like, once a week.

/sɛns/ /ðæt/ /ɪt/ /bæk/ /laɪk/ /wʌns/ /wiːk/

I feel like I can talk to women now. Yeah.

/fiːl/ /laɪk/ /kæn/ /tɔːk/ /ˈwɪmɪn/ /naʊ/

You just stick a dollar bill in your mouth,

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /stɪk/ /jʊr/ /maʊθ/

and the conversation starts itself.

/ænd/ /ˌkɒn.vərˈseɪ.ʃən/

You know, I think we're ready to go back to that party

/juː/ /noʊ/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /ðæt/ /ˈpɑːrti/

and meet some ladies.

/ænd/ /miːt/ /sʌm/

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

You! Are! Not! Ready!

/juː/ /ˈrɛd.i/

Your training is complete

/jʊr/ /ˈtreɪnɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /kəmˈpliːt/

when I say your training is complete!

/wɛn/ /seɪ/ /jʊr/ /ˈtreɪnɪŋ/ /ɪz/ /kəmˈpliːt/

Come on, let's go.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ɡoʊ/

You-you broke up with Victoria

/ʌp/ /wɪð/

because of me?

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /miː/

She didn't want us to be friends anymore,

/ʃiː/ /wɒnt/ /ʌs/ /biː/ /frɛndz/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

so I had to let her go.

/hæd/ /lɛt/ /hɜːr/ /ɡoʊ/

Ted... Ted...

I just...

/dʒʌst/

Wow, I...

And-and you haven't talked to her since?

/juː/ /hɜːr/ /sɪns/

Haven't talked to her since.

/hɜːr/ /sɪns/

Also a lie.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/ /laɪ/

Unbelievable.

And I assume this is all in the hopes

/ænd/ /ɪz/ /ɔːl/

that Robin'll ditch her own wedding

/ðæt/ /hɜːr/ /oʊn/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

and run off with you?

/ænd/ /rʌn/ /ɒf/ /wɪð/ /juː/

What? No.

/wɒt/ /noʊ/

I would never.

/wʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

You would never run off with a girl

/juː/ /wʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /rʌn/ /ɒf/ /wɪð/ /ɡɜːrl/

on the day of her wedding?

/ɒn/ /deɪ/ /hɜːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Ri...

Okay, that's a fair point.

/fɛr/ /pɔɪnt/

I'm not done.

/dʌn/

...ight.

So, do you have it?

/duː/ /juː/ /hæv/ /ɪt/

I'm looking at it right now.

/ɪt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

What? Oh, uh... stay there.

/wɒt/ /steɪ/ /ðɛr/

I'm-I'm on my way.

/ɒn/ /maɪ/ /weɪ/

I'm in Germany.

Danke schon!

I see.

/siː/

Look, if it means that much to you,

/lʊk/ /ɪf/ /ɪt/ /ðæt/ /mʌtʃ/ /juː/

as soon as I'm done here at the bakery,

/suːn/ /dʌn/ /hɪr/

I'll overnight it.

/ɪt/

It'll be there in 24 hours.

/biː/ /ðɛr/ /ˈaʊərz/

Thank you.

/juː/

So this bakery, what kind of, uh...

/wɒt/ /kaɪnd/

You want me to send you

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /sɛnd/ /juː/

some chocolate truffle streuselkuchen?

/sʌm/ /ˈtʃɒklɪt/

Yes, please, you're the best, thank you.

/pliːz/ /bɛst/ /juː/

But then, 24 hours later...

/bʌt/ /ðɛn/ /ˈaʊərz/ /ˈleɪtər/

disaster.

/dɪˈzæstər/

I'm sorry, Mr. Mosby.

/ˈsɒr.i/

It says here your package was delivered earlier today.

/ɪt/ /hɪr/ /jʊr/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/ /wɒz/ /ˈɜːrliər/ /təˈdeɪ/

Your wife signed for it.

/jʊr/ /waɪf/ /saɪnd/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

My... what?

/maɪ/ /wɒt/

I... I don't have a wife.

/hæv/ /waɪf/

So, then, who's Jeanette Mosby?

/ðɛn/

Oh, you're kidding me.

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /miː/

Oh, my gosh, 2013 me!

/maɪ/ /ɡɒʃ/ /miː/

So many questions!

/ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈkwɛstʃənz/

How many MySpace friends do I have now?

/haʊ/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /frɛndz/ /duː/ /hæv/ /naʊ/

Has James Blunt put out

/hæz/ /pʊt/ /aʊt/

the steady stream of number one hits

/ˈnʌmbər/

we all expect from him?

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /ɪkˈspɛkt/ /hɪm/

And why are we in this hotel room?

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /wiː/ /hoʊˈtɛl/ /ruːm/

We're here for Barney's wedding.

/hɪr/ /fɔːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Barney's wedding?

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Oh, God.

What desperate ho-bag

/wɒt/

is handcuffing herself to that time bomb?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

My dad did a real number on me.

/maɪ/ /dæd/ /dɪd/ /riːl/ /ˈnʌmbər/ /ɒn/ /miː/

Okay, uh... Ghost Lily, seven-years-ago Ghost Lily,

/ɡoʊst/ /ɡoʊst/

can we get on with this

/kæn/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /ɒn/ /wɪð/

so I can win the argument

/kæn/ /wɪn/ /ˈɑːrɡjʊmənt/

and we can move on to my regularly scheduled fantasy

/ænd/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /muːv/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ˈrɛɡjʊlərli/

of you two making out with each other?

/juː/ /tuː/ /aʊt/ /wɪð/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

Sure. Just so you know,

/ʃʊr/ /dʒʌst/ /juː/ /noʊ/

I really like it when...

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /laɪk/ /ɪt/ /wɛn/

I know. I'm you.

/noʊ/ /juː/

And I don't like that anymore.

/ænd/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Okay, yes,

seven-years-ago Lily,

maybe I am wrong for still being mad at you

/ˈmeɪbi/ /rɒŋ/ /fɔːr/ /mæd/ /juː/

about San Francisco and our breakup.

/əˈbaʊt/ /frænˈsɪskoʊ/ /ænd/ /aʊər/ /ˈbreɪkʌp/

But the truth is, when you left me,

/bʌt/ /truːθ/ /ɪz/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /lɛft/ /miː/

that was the saddest I've ever been in my life.

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Really?

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

The saddest you've ever been in your life?

/ˈɛv.ər/ /jʊr/ /laɪf/

Saddest I've ever been in my life.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

I mean, I am sitting right here.

/miːn/ /raɪt/ /hɪr/

Look, Dad, yes, obviously, losing you was way worse,

/lʊk/ /dæd/ /ˈɒbviəsli/ /juː/ /wɒz/ /weɪ/ /wɜːrs/

but I'm trying to make a bigger point here.

/bʌt/ /meɪk/ /pɔɪnt/ /hɪr/

And what point is that?

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Because she hurt you once, you now get to hurt her?

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ʃiː/ /hɜːrt/ /juː/ /wʌns/ /juː/ /naʊ/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːrt/ /hɜːr/

It's not how it works in a marriage.

/haʊ/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrks/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

Ooh... Ooh...

You're totally gonna lose.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /luːz/

I can't believe you're open at this hour.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

I'm always open for my friends.

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /frɛndz/

What are we doing here?

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /hɪr/

We should go back to the party.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /ˈpɑːrti/

In relaxed-fit domestic denim?

I'm sorry, is this a costume party,

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ɪz/ /ˈkɒstjuːm/ /ˈpɑːrti/

and you're going as 1994?

/ænd/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Would you be a peach and bump this, please?

/wʊd/ /juː/ /biː/ /ænd/ /pliːz/

Who cares about any of this?

/huː/ /kɛrz/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈɛn.i/

They're just clothes.

/dʒʌst/ /kloʊðz/

Just clothes? Ted--

/dʒʌst/ /kloʊðz/

sorry, force of habit--

/ˈsɒr.i/ /fɔːrs/

boys, suits are cool.

/bɔɪz/ /kuːl/

Exhibit A.

I don't care how well-dressed I am.

/kɛr/ /haʊ/

The real challenge is walking up to a girl

/riːl/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/ /ɪz/ /ʌp/ /ɡɜːrl/

that I've never met before

/ðæt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

and somehow talking to her with words from my mouth.

/ænd/ /hɜːr/ /wɪð/ /wɜːrdz/ /maɪ/ /maʊθ/

I've looked at it from every possible angle.

/ɪt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

There's just no way to do it.

/dʒʌst/ /noʊ/ /weɪ/ /duː/ /ɪt/

What's your name?

/jʊr/ /neɪm/

Justin. Justin.

Have you met Justin?

/hæv/ /juː/

Uh, no. Hi, I'm Julie.

/noʊ/

So simple, so elegant.

/ˈsɪm.pəl/

Hmm. That's it?

/ɪt/

You just walk up to someone you don't know

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /wɔːk/ /ʌp/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /juː/ /noʊ/

and introduce them to your buddy?

/ænd/ /ˌɪntrəˈdjuːs/ /ðɛm/ /jʊr/ /ˈbʌdi/

I don't know. That sounds kind of...

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /kaɪnd/

Have you met Kyle?

/hæv/ /juː/

Hi, Kyle.

Are you Jesus?!

/juː/

I would have understood,

/wʊd/ /hæv/

you know?

/juː/ /noʊ/

I mean, if you told me

/miːn/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /toʊld/ /miː/

that we couldn't be friends anymore,

/ðæt/ /wiː/ /biː/ /frɛndz/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

I-I wouldn't have liked it,

/hæv/ /ɪt/

but I, God, I would have understood.

/bʌt/ /wʊd/ /hæv/

I could never do that.

/kʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /duː/ /ðæt/

Why not?

/waɪ/

Ted, okay, I insist that you tell me why not.

/ðæt/ /juː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /waɪ/

No way.

/noʊ/ /weɪ/

Answer the question. It's... it's for the bride.

/ˈæn.sər/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/ /fɔːr/ /braɪd/

I'm not gonna answer the question,

/ˈæn.sər/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

because you know the answer.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ˈæn.sər/

You want to talk about my top five?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /maɪ/ /tɒp/ /faɪv/

There's no top five, Robin!

/noʊ/ /tɒp/ /faɪv/

There's just a top one, and it's you.

/dʒʌst/ /tɒp/ /ænd/ /juː/

And the only reason I'm saying any of this is 'cause

/ænd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ˈriːzən/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ɪz/ /kɔːz/

I know that it's not gonna change anything.

/noʊ/ /ðæt/ /tʃeɪndʒ/ /ˈɛn.i.θɪŋ/

You and Barney are getting married today.

/juː/ /ænd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ˈmærid/ /təˈdeɪ/

If I have to hold the shotgun myself, it's happening.

/ɪf/ /hæv/ /hoʊld/ /maɪˈsɛlf/ /ˈhæpənɪŋ/

I thought you don't like guns.

/θɔːt/ /juː/ /laɪk/ /ɡʌnz/

I'm the best man.

/bɛst/ /mæn/

I swore on the Bro Code.

/ɒn/ /broʊ/ /koʊd/

I don't want to go to Bro Hell.

/wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /broʊ/

Bro Hell sounds bad.

/broʊ/ /bæd/

I'm sure Barney's got a whole thing about Bro Hell.

/ʃʊr/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /broʊ/

But what about when we get back from our honeymoon?

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /wɛn/ /wiː/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /aʊər/

What about our first night out at the bar?

/wɒt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/ /fɜːrst/ /naɪt/ /aʊt/ /bɑːr/

But what then?

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /ðɛn/

I mean, is it gonna be weird?

/miːn/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /biː/

No.

/noʊ/

How can you be so sure?

/haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/ /biː/ /ʃʊr/

Because I'm not gonna be there.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /biː/ /ðɛr/

I'm moving to Chicago.

You're moving to Chicago? That's right.

/raɪt/

I'm gonna work for Hammond Druthers.

/wɜːrk/ /fɔːr/

The penis-building guy?

/ɡaɪ/

They're not all penis buildings.

/ɔːl/

They just designed this clamshell amphitheater

/ðeɪ/ /dʒʌst/

for the St. Louis Symphony.

/fɔːr/ /ˈsɪmfəni/

That one, it doesn't look like a penis, anyway.

/ðæt/ /ɪt/ /lʊk/ /laɪk/ /ˈɛniweɪ/

I can't believe you're leaving New York.

/bɪˈliːv/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

Wait, is this be-- is this because of me?

/weɪt/ /ɪz/ /biː/ /ɪz/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /miː/

No, it's not because of you.

/noʊ/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /juː/

Well, maybe at first it was, but...

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /fɜːrst/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /bʌt/

It's been a really long week.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /lɔːŋ/ /wiːk/

Some stuff has happened and...

/sʌm/ /stʌf/ /hæz/ /ˈhæpənd/ /ænd/

it's just made me feel like it's, it's time to move on.

/dʒʌst/ /miː/ /fiːl/ /laɪk/ /taɪm/ /muːv/ /ɒn/

Yes, good things happened to me in New York,

/ɡʊd/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈhæpənd/ /miː/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/

but bad things happened, too.

/bʌt/ /bæd/ /θɪŋz/ /ˈhæpənd/

Like your top five worst relationships?

/laɪk/ /jʊr/ /tɒp/ /faɪv/ /wɜːrst/ /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪps/

Okay, come on. Let me hear it.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /hɪr/ /ɪt/

Number five, Blah Blah. Mm-hmm.

/ˈnʌmbər/ /faɪv/

Number four, boats, boats, boats.

/ˈnʌmbər/ /boʊts/ /boʊts/ /boʊts/

Number three, Karen. Mm.

/ˈnʌmbər/ /θriː/

Number two, uh, Zoey. She made both lists.

/ˈnʌmbər/ /tuː/ /ʃiː/ /boʊθ/

Number one, by a landslide, Jeanette.

/ˈnʌmbər/

Jeanette, of course. By the way,

/kɔːrs/ /weɪ/

have you talked to Jeanette lately?

/hæv/ /juː/

- I haven't talked to her. - Liar.

/hɜːr/

So I was at your apartment stealing your mail,

/wɒz/ /jʊr/ /əˈpɑːrtmənt/ /jʊr/ /meɪl/

and apparently there's some chick named Victoria

/ænd/ /sʌm/ /tʃɪk/ /neɪmd/

sending you jewelry

/juː/

from Germany?

Somebody owes somebody an explanation.

/ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/

Jeanette, that locket is a wedding gift for Robin.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ɡɪft/ /fɔːr/

Robin?! Oh, God, this again?

/əˈɡɛn/

That I'm giving to her as a friend

/ðæt/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /hɜːr/ /frɛnd/

because I'm kind of the wedding gift master!

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ɡɪft/ /ˈmæstər/

Now bring it back to me right now!

/naʊ/ /brɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /bæk/ /miː/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Fine. Meet me at the Bow Bridge

/faɪn/ /miːt/ /miː/

in Central Park in one hour.

/pɑːrk/ /ˈaʊ.ər/

And by the way, I want Kenny back.

/ænd/ /weɪ/ /wɒnt/ /bæk/

Who's Kenny?!

My pet tarantula.

/maɪ/

By the way, I love your hair.

/weɪ/ /lʌv/ /jʊr/ /hɛr/

I love your hair!

/lʌv/ /jʊr/ /hɛr/

Imaginary women, right?

/ˈwɪmɪn/ /raɪt/

I need everyone to just be quiet, please.

/niːd/ /ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /dʒʌst/ /biː/ /ˈkwaɪɪt/ /pliːz/

Look, I know that I could have handled all of this better.

/lʊk/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /kʊd/ /hæv/ /ɔːl/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

But setting aside the fact that all of our friends are here

/bʌt/ /fækt/ /ðæt/ /ɔːl/ /aʊər/ /frɛndz/ /hɪr/

and that we don't speak Italian,

/ænd/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /spiːk/

if we stay in New York, we both get to follow our dreams.

/ɪf/ /wiː/ /steɪ/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /wiː/ /boʊθ/ /ɡɛt/ /ˈfɒl.oʊ/ /aʊər/ /driːmz/

Are we really gonna go someplace

/wiː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡoʊ/

where only one of us gets to do that?

/wɛr/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ʌs/ /ɡɛts/ /duː/ /ðæt/

Of course not. Well, then how can you...?

/kɔːrs/ /wɛl/ /ðɛn/ /haʊ/ /kæn/ /juː/

Wait-- what?

/weɪt/ /wɒt/

We're not moving to Italy.

/ˈɪtəli/

We have a baby. It makes sense to stay here.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ɪt/ /sɛns/ /steɪ/ /hɪr/

Even I know that.

/ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

You do?

/juː/ /duː/

So... I win?

/wɪn/

Well, then, ho, hey, ho. ho, hey, ho.

/wɛl/ /ðɛn/

In your ethereal face, Ghost Lily.

/jʊr/ /feɪs/ /ɡoʊst/

Oh, yeah, the Convincer right here!

/raɪt/ /hɪr/

She thought I was gonna lose.

/ʃiː/ /θɔːt/ /wɒz/ /luːz/

You are gonna lose.

/juː/ /luːz/

You're gonna lose this.

/luːz/

If you keep lying to me,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /ˈlaɪɪŋ/ /miː/

if you keep cutting me out of decisions,

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /miː/ /aʊt/

if you keep using words like "winning" and "losing"

/ɪf/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /wɜːrdz/ /laɪk/ /ˈwɪnɪŋ/ /ænd/

when you talk about our marriage.

/wɛn/ /juː/ /tɔːk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /aʊər/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

It's not like it'll happen all at once,

/laɪk/ /ˈhæpən/ /ɔːl/ /wʌns/

but if you keep acting this way,

/bʌt/ /ɪf/ /juː/ /kiːp/ /ˈæktɪŋ/ /weɪ/

little by little,

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

you're gonna lose me.

/luːz/ /miː/

Is that what you want?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /wɒnt/

No, of course not.

/noʊ/ /kɔːrs/

You're not my enemy. You're my wife.

/maɪ/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/

My wife!

/maɪ/ /waɪf/

Right?

/raɪt/

No. Sorr... sorry.

/noʊ/ /ˈsɒr.i/

We should probably head back.

/wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /hɛd/ /bæk/

Do you want to watch the sun come up?

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /wɒtʃ/ /sʌn/ /kʌm/ /ʌp/

Sure.

/ʃʊr/

Thanks for meeting me here.

/fɔːr/ /ˈmiːtɪŋ/ /miː/ /hɪr/

I'm heading over to the East Side to stuff a dead squirrel

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /iːst/ /saɪd/ /stʌf/ /dɛd/

into a different ex-boyfriend's mailbox,

/ˈdɪfrənt/

so, you know, this made sense.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /sɛns/

Of course.

/kɔːrs/

So, can I have the locket?

/kæn/ /hæv/

No.

/noʊ/

What? Jeanette... Sao ? Jeanette....

/wɒt/

Ted, listen to me. You're being crazy.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /miː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I'm being crazy?!

/ˈkreɪzi/

Yes! How long have you been hung up on Robin?

/haʊ/ /lɔːŋ/ /hæv/ /juː/ /ʌp/ /ɒn/

Eight years?!

/eɪt/

And you're still killing yourself

/ænd/ /ˈkɪlɪŋ/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/

to fetch dumb little trinkets for her. That's crazy!

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /fɔːr/ /hɜːr/ /ˈkreɪzi/

That's more than crazy.

/mɔːr/ /ðæn/ /ˈkreɪzi/

I don't think there's a word for what that is!

/θɪŋk/ /wɜːrd/ /fɔːr/ /wɒt/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/

Actually, there is a word for that. It's "love."

/ˈæktʃuəli/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrd/ /fɔːr/ /ðæt/ /lʌv/

I'm in love with her, okay?

/lʌv/ /wɪð/ /hɜːr/

If you're looking for the word that means caring about someone

/ɪf/ /fɔːr/ /wɜːrd/ /ðæt/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/

beyond all rationality and wanting them to have

/ɔːl/ /ænd/ /ðɛm/ /hæv/

everything they want, no matter how much

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/ /ðeɪ/ /wɒnt/ /noʊ/ /ˈmætər/ /haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/

it destroys you, it's love!

/ɪt/ /juː/ /lʌv/

And when you love someone, you just, you...

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /juː/ /lʌv/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /juː/

you don't stop, ever.

/juː/ /stɒp/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy.

/ˈiːvən/ /wɛn/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /roʊl/ /ðɛr/ /aɪz/ /kɔːl/ /juː/ /ˈkreɪzi/

Even then. Especially then!

/ˈiːvən/ /ðɛn/ /ɪˈspɛʃəli/ /ðɛn/

You just-- you don't give up! Because if I could give up...

/juː/ /dʒʌst/ /juː/ /ɡɪv/ /ʌp/ /bɪˈkɔːz/ /ɪf/ /kʊd/ /ɡɪv/ /ʌp/

if I could just, you know, take the whole world's advice

/ɪf/ /kʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /teɪk/ /hoʊl/ /ədˈvaɪs/

and-and move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love.

/muːv/ /ɒn/ /ænd/ /faɪnd/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /ɛls/ /ðæt/ /biː/ /lʌv/

That would be...

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /biː/

that would be some other disposable thing

/ðæt/ /wʊd/ /biː/ /sʌm/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /θɪŋ/

that is not worth fighting for.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /wɜːrθ/ /ˈfaɪtɪŋ/ /fɔːr/

But I-- that is not what this is.

/bʌt/ /ðæt/ /ɪz/ /wɒt/ /ɪz/

So, please, can I have the locket?

/pliːz/ /kæn/ /hæv/

Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

I think we should get back together.

/θɪŋk/ /wiː/ /ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /bæk/ /təˈɡɛð.ər/

And... new day.

/ænd/ /njuː/ /deɪ/

Yep, new day.

/njuː/ /deɪ/

♪ Close your eyes...

/kloʊs/ /jʊr/ /aɪz/

Okay, you need to get at least a little sleep.

/juː/ /niːd/ /ɡɛt/ /liːst/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /sliːp/

♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪

/duː/ /juː/ /fiːl/ /maɪ/ /hɑːrt/

♪ Do you understand?

/duː/ /juː/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/

♪ Do you feel the same?