Season 9 · Tập 17

Whoa, sorry, sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /ˈsɒr.i/

Oh, my God! You know that there is gonna be champagne

/maɪ/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /biː/ /ʃæmˈpeɪn/

at this party, right? I know, I know.

/ˈpɑːrti/ /raɪt/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

But we're gonna get there and it's gonna be

/bʌt/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛr/ /ænd/ /biː/

everyone congratulating you on your book,

/ˈɛv.ri.wʌn/ /juː/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/ /bʊk/

saying, "This is a revelation!

/ɪz/

"You're gonna end poverty in our time.

/ɛnd/ /aʊər/ /taɪm/

"This is the greatest book anyone's ever written

/ɪz/ /bʊk/ /ˈɛv.ər/

in any genre."

/ˈɛn.i/

You're the only one that says that, sweetie.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ðæt/ /ðæt/ /ˈswiːti/

Well, it's true.

/wɛl/ /truː/

So before I lose you

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /luːz/ /juː/

to your adoring public,

/jʊr/ /ˈpʌblɪk/

I just want to take a moment, you and I,

/dʒʌst/ /wɒnt/ /teɪk/ /ˈmoʊmənt/ /juː/ /ænd/

to celebrate the best year of our lives.

/ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/ /bɛst/ /jɪr/ /aʊər/

Happy New Year.

/ˈhæp.i/ /njuː/ /jɪr/

We go big tonight!

/wiː/ /ɡoʊ/ /bɪɡ/ /təˈnaɪt/

Easy there, buddy.

/ˈiː.zi/ /ðɛr/ /ˈbʌdi/

We're old people, remember?

/oʊld/ /ˈpiː.pəl/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

We haven't even gone medium sized in forever.

/wiː/ /ˈiːvən/ /ɡɔːn/ /fərˈɛvər/

And I cannot carry you home in this dress.

/ænd/ /juː/ /hoʊm/ /drɛs/

Sweetie, relax.

/ˈswiːti/ /rɪˈlæks/

I got this.

Yeah, right.

/raɪt/

I can see your whole future.

/kæn/ /siː/ /jʊr/ /hoʊl/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/

You are gonna be so hungover tomorrow.

/juː/ /biː/ /təˈmɒr.oʊ/

I'm gonna be fine. Hmm.

/biː/ /faɪn/

I made a vow, remember?

/vaʊ/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

Kids...

/kɪdz/

the story behind that vow

/ˈstɔːri/ /bɪˈhaɪnd/ /ðæt/ /vaʊ/

took place the morning

/tʊk/ /pleɪs/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

of Barney and Robin's wedding.

/ænd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

You see, after drinking way too much the night before,

/juː/ /siː/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/ /weɪ/ /mʌtʃ/ /naɪt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

this is all your Uncle Barney remembers

/ɪz/ /ɔːl/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/

from the first two hours of his wedding day.

/fɜːrst/ /tuː/ /ˈaʊərz/ /hɪz/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /deɪ/

And that's it.

/ænd/ /ɪt/

Now here's how the rest of us

/naʊ/ /haʊ/ /rɛst/ /ʌs/

remember those two hours.

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ðoʊz/ /tuː/ /ˈaʊərz/

Found him.

/hɪm/

You know, he looks better than I thought he would.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /hiː/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /ðæn/ /θɔːt/ /hiː/ /wʊd/

Rise and shine.

/raɪz/ /ænd/

Up and at 'em, let's do this.

/ʌp/ /ænd/ /duː/

There's a gas leak!

The building's on fire!

/ɒn/ /faɪər/

Your shoes don't match your belt!

/jʊr/ /ʃuːz/ /mætʃ/ /jʊr/

Uh-oh. Uh - Oh.

Okay, I think my fiancé

/θɪŋk/ /maɪ/

peed himself a little.

/hɪmˈsɛlf/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Oh, tomorrow I'm gonna be able to say

/təˈmɒr.oʊ/ /biː/ /ˈeɪ.bəl/ /seɪ/

my husband peed himself a little.

/maɪ/ /ˈhʌzbənd/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

Don't worry.

/ˈwʌri/

I accidentally spilled some iced tea on him.

/sʌm/ /ɒn/ /hɪm/

Oh, thank God.

I didn't really spill

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/

some iced tea on him.

/sʌm/ /ɒn/ /hɪm/

Oh, God, this is bad.

/ɪz/ /bæd/

We're doing family wedding pictures

/ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ˈpɪktʃərz/

at the lighthouse in two hours.

/tuː/ /ˈaʊərz/

My father is paying for the whole thing.

/maɪ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /ɪz/ /fɔːr/ /hoʊl/ /θɪŋ/

He's gonna kill Barney if he doesn't show up.

/kɪl/ /ɪf/ /hiː/ /ʃoʊ/ /ʌp/

Come on, your dad's tough.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /jʊr/

But won't he understand a good old fashioned hangover?

/bʌt/ /hiː/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /ɡʊd/ /oʊld/

My father's recipe

/maɪ/ /ˈrɛsɪpi/

for a Bloody Mary

/fɔːr/

trades out tomato juice

/aʊt/ /təˈmeɪtoʊ/ /dʒuːs/

for wolf's blood.

/fɔːr/

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Bloody Mary? Bloody Mary?

Sounds more like a Bloody Scary.

/mɔːr/ /laɪk/ /ˈskɛri/

I'm gonna say it again.

/seɪ/ /ɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/

Bloody Mary? Uh, hold on.

/hoʊld/ /ɒn/

You guys are forgetting

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/

Barney Stinson has a super power.

/hæz/ /ˈsuːpər/ /ˈpaʊər/

He can't take a bad photo.

/hiː/ /teɪk/ /bæd/ /ˈfoʊtoʊ/

Okay, here.

/hɪr/

Watch.

/wɒtʃ/

Guys, Barney may be dead.

/ɡaɪz/ /meɪ/ /biː/ /dɛd/

That's it!

/ɪt/

You know what? We are all now seriously too old

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wiː/ /ɔːl/ /naʊ/ /ˈsɪəriəsli/ /oʊld/

to keep doing this to ourselves!

/kiːp/

I vow here and now

/vaʊ/ /hɪr/ /ænd/ /naʊ/

that I shall never again get that drunk in my life!

/ðæt/ /ʃæl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /əˈɡɛn/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /drʌŋk/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Yeah, he'd wind up breaking that vow.

/wɪnd/ /ʌp/ /ðæt/ /vaʊ/

And I will not break that vow

/ænd/ /wɪl/ /breɪk/ /ðæt/ /vaʊ/

as sure as I will always have a full head of hair!

/ʃʊr/ /wɪl/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /hæv/ /fʊl/ /hɛd/ /hɛr/

In other elections today,

/ˈʌð.ər/ /təˈdeɪ/

in the race for New York State Supreme Court,

/reɪs/ /fɔːr/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /kɔːt/

Judge Brad Morris...

/dʒʌdʒ/

Mmm, just look at him.

/dʒʌst/ /lʊk/ /hɪm/

I would love to rub that down.

/wʊd/ /lʌv/ /ðæt/ /daʊn/

Sorry.

/ˈsɒr.i/

Has increased his sizable lead

/hæz/ /hɪz/ /liːd/

over Judge Marshall Eriksen.

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /dʒʌdʒ/

It was supposed to be a victory party.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /səˈpoʊzd/ /biː/ /ˈpɑːrti/

You ran a great campaign, baby.

/juː/ /ræn/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Yeah, but it was the most stressful

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /moʊst/

three weeks of my life!

/θriː/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

And in other results, a surprise comeback.

/ænd/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /sərˈpraɪz/

We are now ready to call the New York State Supreme Court race

/wiː/ /naʊ/ /ˈrɛd.i/ /kɔːl/ /njuː/ /jɔːrk/ /kɔːt/ /reɪs/

for Judge Marshall Eriksen.

/fɔːr/ /dʒʌdʒ/

We'll go to Judge Eriksen for a live statement

/ɡoʊ/ /dʒʌdʒ/ /fɔːr/ /lɪv/

in just a few minutes.

/dʒʌst/ /fjuː/

Come again for Judge Fudge?

/kʌm/ /əˈɡɛn/ /fɔːr/ /dʒʌdʒ/

As your next commissioner...

/jʊr/ /nɛkst/

State Supreme Court judge.

/kɔːt/ /dʒʌdʒ/

...of Gotham City...

/ˈsɪt.i/

The State of New York.

/njuː/ /jɔːrk/

...I vow to make Batman work harder.

/vaʊ/ /meɪk/ /wɜːrk/

I say

/seɪ/

shine that Bat-Signal even for small stuff.

/ðæt/ /ˈiːvən/ /fɔːr/ /smɔːl/ /stʌf/

Like, uh, shoveling snow.

/laɪk/

Or, like, uh, if a police horse dumps out in the park.

/laɪk/ /ɪf/ /hɔːrs/ /aʊt/ /pɑːrk/

Okay, well, that will be

/wɛl/ /ðæt/ /wɪl/ /biː/

all at this time, thank you.

/ɔːl/ /taɪm/ /juː/

That's all. Okay.

/ɔːl/

Mmm, good night.

/ɡʊd/ /naɪt/

Never again!

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /əˈɡɛn/

I vow it!

/vaʊ/ /ɪt/

I am more worried about the vows I have to take

/mɔːr/ /ˈwʌrid/ /əˈbaʊt/ /vaʊz/ /hæv/ /teɪk/

with this useless pile of garbage

/wɪð/ /ˈjuːslɪs/ /ˈɡɑːrbɪdʒ/

a few hours from now.

/fjuː/ /ˈaʊərz/ /naʊ/

What do we do?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /wiː/ /duː/

You guys see the irony here.

/juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /siː/ /hɪr/

The only person who could possibly get

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈpɜːrsən/ /huː/ /kʊd/ /ɡɛt/

Barney back on his feet

/bæk/ /ɒn/ /hɪz/ /fiːt/

is Barney.

/ɪz/

See, over the years,

/siː/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

we'd all come to experience

/ɔːl/ /kʌm/ /ɪkˈspɪəriəns/

something Barney called...

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir!

The most effective

/moʊst/ /ɪˈfɛktɪv/

post-bender, head's-too-tender ender

from here to Denver.

/hɪr/

What's in it?

/ɪt/

Glad you asked. Ah, I take it back.

/ɡlæd/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /bæk/

Columbia University, 1941... I take it back, I take it back.

/ˌjuːnɪˈvɜːrsɪti/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /bæk/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /bæk/

President Franklin Delano Roosevelt,

whom we all know is most famous for being a world-class drunk,

/wiː/ /ɔːl/ /noʊ/ /ɪz/ /moʊst/ /ˈfeɪməs/ /fɔːr/ /drʌŋk/

commissioned a top-secret scientific project--

/ˌsaɪənˈtɪfɪk/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/

develop an elixir to cure the common hangover.

/dɪˈvɛləp/ /kjʊr/ /ˈkɒmən/

And what brilliant scientific mind did boozy old FDR pick

/ænd/ /wɒt/ /ˌsaɪənˈtɪfɪk/ /maɪnd/ /dɪd/ /oʊld/ /pɪk/

- to head up this historic task? - Look.

/hɛd/ /ʌp/ /tæsk/ /lʊk/

My head really hurts. Let's just speed this along.

/maɪ/ /hɛd/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /hɜːrts/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈlɒŋ/

You're clearly ripping off

/ˈklɪərli/ /ɒf/

the story of the Manhattan Project,

/ˈstɔːri/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/

which was run by Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.

/wɪtʃ/ /wɒz/ /rʌn/

So I'm gonna guess it was your distant relative...

/ɡɛs/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /jʊr/ /ˈrɛlətɪv/

...Barnert Stinsonheimer? ... barnert Stinsonheimer?

Somebody's read their history books.

/riːd/ /ðɛr/ /ˈhɪstəri/

The Too Many Manhattans Project

/ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈprɒdʒɛkt/

hit a few snags at first.

/fjuː/ /fɜːrst/

The first batch exploded.

/fɜːrst/

Which sounded kind of like this.

/wɪtʃ/ /kaɪnd/ /laɪk/

Boom! Oh! Boom! Oh!

You suck.

/juː/

Just let me finish.

/dʒʌst/ /lɛt/ /miː/ /ˈfɪn.ɪʃ/

But the second batch...

/bʌt/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

sadly also exploded.

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/

Boom! Oh! Boom! Oh!

Why are you here right now?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /hɪr/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Do you want to hear the story or not?

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /hɪr/ /ˈstɔːri/

Absolutely not. Please leave.

/ˈæbsəluːtli/ /pliːz/ /liːv/

After some trial and error,

/ˈæf.tər/ /sʌm/ /ˈtraɪəl/ /ænd/

Dr. Stinsonheimer finally found

/ˈfaɪnəli/

the magic formula.

/ˈmædʒɪk/ /ˈfɔːrmjʊlə/

Hang on.

/ɒn/

Funyuns?

Tantrum Soda?

Sure.

/ʃʊr/

In 1941?

Sure.

/ʃʊr/

They haven't made new Tantrum since then.

/ðeɪ/ /njuː/ /sɪns/ /ðɛn/

That stuff lasts a while.

/ðæt/ /stʌf/ /waɪl/

Anyway, the elixir was such a success,

/ˈɛniweɪ/ /wɒz/ /sʌtʃ/

he was awarded the Bro-bel Prize.

/hiː/ /wɒz/

True story.

/truː/ /ˈstɔːri/

Boom! Boom!

Wh-Wh-Why?

That time I was just messing with you.

/ðæt/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /wɪð/ /juː/

Just give me the stupid drink.

/dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/ /drɪŋk/

And the craziest part was...

/ænd/ /pɑːrt/ /wɒz/

I-I feel better.

/fiːl/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

Over the years, each of us would discover

/ˈoʊ.vər/ /iːtʃ/ /ʌs/ /wʊd/ /dɪˈskʌvər/

that Barney's elixir actually worked.

/ðæt/ /ˈæktʃuəli/ /wɜːrkt/

Like, way better.

/laɪk/ /weɪ/ /ˈbɛt.ər/

What's in this thing again?

/θɪŋ/ /əˈɡɛn/

Stinson family secret.

/ˈfæm.ɪ.li/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

Oh, come on, you told me most of the ingredients in your story.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /juː/ /toʊld/ /miː/ /moʊst/ /jʊr/ /ˈstɔːri/

Just tell me the secret one.

/dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

Ha! I'll never tell you.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /tɛl/ /juː/

I'll take it with me to my grave.

/teɪk/ /ɪt/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /maɪ/

Damn it, Barney!

/ɪt/

Why are you always so selfish?!

/waɪ/ /juː/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /ˈsɛlfɪʃ/

We are trying to help you!

/wiː/ /hɛlp/ /juː/

Okay, we somehow have

/wiː/ /hæv/

to get this leaky barf bag

/ɡɛt/ /bæɡ/

back on his feet before the wedding pictures.

/bæk/ /ɒn/ /hɪz/ /fiːt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ˈpɪktʃərz/

Well, we know what Barney would want us to do.

/wɛl/ /wiː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /wʊd/ /wɒnt/ /ʌs/ /duː/

No!

/noʊ/

We are not doing Weekend at Barney's!

/wiː/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

But that's the dream!

/bʌt/ /driːm/

I can't believe I just said that.

/bɪˈliːv/ /dʒʌst/ /sɛd/ /ðæt/

Someone suggest something useful!

/ˈsʌmwʌn/ /səˈdʒɛst/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈjuːs.fəl/

Okay, here's the plan.

/plæn/

Marshall, you and Ted go gather

/juː/ /ænd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈɡæðər/

the ingredients we do know.

/wiː/ /duː/ /noʊ/

Robin, Robin,

you wake up Barney long enough

/juː/ /weɪk/ /ʌp/ /lɔːŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/

to find out the secret ingredient.

/faɪnd/ /aʊt/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /ɪnˈɡriːdiənt/

And I'll race down to the spa to keep my 8:15 mani and pedi.

/ænd/ /reɪs/ /daʊn/ /kiːp/ /maɪ/ /ænd/

Okay, let's do this!

/duː/

Bitch? Con kia?

Walk out that door and I tag in

/wɔːk/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/ /dɔːr/ /ænd/

Zabka as my maid of honor.

/maɪ/

Okay, let's start simple.

/stɑːrt/ /ˈsɪm.pəl/

Fresh ocean air.

/frɛʃ/ /ɛr/

Come on, baby.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈbeɪbi/

Come on, honey.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /ˈhʌni/

Come on, love, yeah. Baby, baby.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /lʌv/ /ˈbeɪbi/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I'll get the elevator.

/ɡɛt/

Oh, I should get some water.

/ʃʊd/ /ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /ˈwɔː.tər/

Okay, so...

accidentally throwing Barney down the stairs

/daʊn/

did not wake him up.

/dɪd/ /weɪk/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/

Nor did banging his head on each step

/dɪd/ /hɪz/ /hɛd/ /ɒn/ /iːtʃ/ /stɛp/

as we dragged him back up here.

/wiː/ /hɪm/ /bæk/ /ʌp/ /hɪr/

So, how do we wake him up long enough

/haʊ/ /duː/ /wiː/ /weɪk/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/ /lɔːŋ/ /ɪˈnʌf/

to tell us the final ingredient?

/tɛl/ /ʌs/ /ˈfaɪnəl/ /ɪnˈɡriːdiənt/

You know, when my sister and I

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɛn/ /maɪ/ /ˈsɪs.tər/ /ænd/

had trouble getting up for school,

/hæd/ /ˈtrʌbəl/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/ /skuːl/

my dad a few cute little tricks.

/maɪ/ /dæd/ /fjuː/ /kjuːt/ /ˈlɪt.əl/

I'll do it!

/duː/ /ɪt/

I swear to God I'll do it!

/swɛər/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Your dad used to do this to you?

/jʊr/ /dæd/ /duː/ /juː/

Well, it was with a Cabbage Patch doll and an ax.

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /wɪð/ /ˈkæbɪdʒ/ /ænd/

But same idea. Trust me.

/bʌt/ /seɪm/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /trʌst/ /miː/

I was never late for kindergarten again.

/wɒz/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /leɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/ /əˈɡɛn/

What? Come on.

/wɒt/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

I second Marshall's vow.

/ˈsɛk.ənd/ /vaʊ/

I will never, ever get that drunk again.

/wɪl/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ɡɛt/ /ðæt/ /drʌŋk/ /əˈɡɛn/

Yeah. She would.

/ʃiː/ /wʊd/

My baby boy's

/maɪ/ /ˈbeɪbi/

in college.

/ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

Did you pack enough undies?

/dɪd/ /juː/ /ɪˈnʌf/

Yes, Mom.

/mɒm/

Your father did a lot of puking

/jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /dɪd/ /lɒt/

in these hallowed halls.

/ðiːz/

From-from binge studying.

Saved it.

/ɪt/

That reminds me, mister.

/ðæt/ /miː/

No underage drinking.

/noʊ/ /ˈdrɪŋkɪŋ/

No good comes from hanging out

/noʊ/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈhæŋɪŋ/ /aʊt/

in bars and getting drunk.

/ænd/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /drʌŋk/

But every story from your 20s starts in a bar.

/bʌt/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈstɔːri/ /jʊr/ /bɑːr/

Listen to your mother.

/ˈlɪs.ən/ /jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/

Oh, what are we gonna do without you in the house?

/wɒt/ /wiː/ /duː/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /juː/ /haʊs/

We got him out of the house! Drink up!

/wiː/ /hɪm/ /aʊt/ /haʊs/ /drɪŋk/ /ʌp/

Oh... Oh...

You son of a bitch! You son of a me!

/juː/ /sʌn/ /juː/ /sʌn/ /miː/

All right, we got most of the ingredients on our list.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /wiː/ /moʊst/ /ɒn/ /aʊər/ /lɪst/

Ginger, bananas, Funyuns.

I cannot believe that minimart sold Tantrum.

/bɪˈliːv/ /ðæt/ /soʊld/

It's been discontinued for years.

/fɔːr/

Uh, hey. Uh, hey.

Will you, uh, toss me that bottle?

/wɪl/ /juː/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /ˈbɒtəl/

Oh. Yeah, we haven't done this forever.

/wiː/ /dʌn/ /fərˈɛvər/

Dude!

You're a grown man.

/mæn/

Why you throwing a Tantrum?

/waɪ/ /juː/

Nice! Vui!

/naɪs/

So awesome!

/ˈɔːsəm/

Okay, there's only

/ˈoʊnli/

one more item on the list and...

/mɔːr/ /ˈaɪtəm/ /ɒn/ /lɪst/ /ænd/

it's an odd one.

Grease? Grease.

At the Farhampton Inn, we don't cook with grease.

/ˈfɑːrhæmptən/ /wiː/ /kʊk/ /wɪð/

Our menu is organic.

/aʊər/ /ˈmɛnjuː/ /ɪz/ /ɔːrˈɡænɪk/

Farm to table, locally grown.

/ˈteɪ.bəl/

No "grease."

/noʊ/

Sir,

/sɜːr/

I am from Minnesota,

where every meal is cooked with grease.

/wɛr/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /miːl/ /ɪz/ /wɪð/

And my father dubbed that food the tastiest eats

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /ðæt/ /fuːd/

in the whole gosh darn world, so...

/hoʊl/ /ɡɒʃ/ /wɜːrld/

And how is your father's health?

/ænd/ /haʊ/ /ɪz/ /jʊr/

Point is, it tastes really good.

/pɔɪnt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ɡʊd/

Also, uh,

/ˈɔːl.soʊ/

we need it to help a friend recover from a hangover.

/wiː/ /niːd/ /ɪt/ /hɛlp/ /frɛnd/ /rɪˈkʌvər/

Wait a second.

/weɪt/ /ˈsɛk.ənd/

There's bacon right here.

/raɪt/ /hɪr/

And where there's bacon,

/ænd/ /wɛr/

there's bacon grease.

Which we throw out.

/wɪtʃ/ /wiː/ /θroʊ/ /aʊt/

And we aren't making any more bacon today.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /ˈɛn.i/ /mɔːr/ /təˈdeɪ/

Not unless it all somehow gets eaten in the ten minutes

/ənˈlɛs/ /ɪt/ /ɔːl/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈiː.tən/ /tɛn/

before breakfast is over.

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /ˈbrɛk.fəst/ /ɪz/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

No, no, no!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

Ted, do not give me that look!

/duː/ /ɡɪv/ /miː/ /ðæt/ /lʊk/

A mountain of food.

/fuːd/

A ticking clock? Come on!

/klɒk/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

You live for this stuff!

/juː/ /lɪv/ /fɔːr/ /stʌf/

No, I'm not a wild animal.

/noʊ/ /waɪld/ /ˈænɪməl/

I'm a Columbia-educated lawyer,

/ˈlɔːjər/

poised to become a judge before age 35.

/bɪˈkʌm/ /dʒʌdʒ/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /eɪdʒ/

And remind me, how did you celebrate

/ænd/ /rɪˈmaɪnd/ /miː/ /haʊ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/

getting accepted into Columbia?

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

You eat one eight-pound block of fudge

/juː/ /iːt/

in 12 minutes and you're marked for life.

/ænd/ /fɔːr/ /laɪf/

You're not marked for life...

/fɔːr/ /laɪf/

Big Fudge.

/bɪɡ/

I'm out, okay?

/aʊt/

You eat the bacon.

/juː/ /iːt/

You know I can't.

/juː/ /noʊ/

I'm allergic. Ted.

I've been trying to tell you this for years.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /fɔːr/

Your bacon allergy is a lie

/jʊr/ /ˈælərɡi/ /ɪz/ /laɪ/

your mother made up so you'd eat healthy as a kid.

/jʊr/ /ˈmʌð.ər/ /ʌp/ /iːt/ /ˈhɛlθi/ /kɪd/

No, I'm just allergic to a lot of stuff.

/noʊ/ /dʒʌst/ /lɒt/ /stʌf/

Bacon, doughnuts,

Halloween candy.

Not saying thank you.

/juː/

Oh, my God!

/maɪ/

That bitch lied to me!

/ðæt/ /laɪd/ /miː/

Okay, I'll-I'll do it.

/duː/ /ɪt/

But I... look, I don't, I don't even know if I'll like bacon.

/bʌt/ /lʊk/ /ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /ɪf/ /laɪk/

Mm-hmm. Mm - Hmm.

What do you think?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

I have seen the face of God.

/hæv/ /feɪs/

Okay, there is one thing we haven't tried yet.

/ðɛr/ /ɪz/ /θɪŋ/ /wiː/ /jɛt/

Making out with each other.

/aʊt/ /wɪð/ /iːtʃ/ /ˈʌð.ər/

You really think that will wake him up?

/juː/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /θɪŋk/ /ðæt/ /wɪl/ /weɪk/ /hɪm/ /ʌp/

Wake up who now?

/weɪk/ /ʌp/ /huː/ /naʊ/

Look at this soggy bag of snot.

/lʊk/ /bæɡ/

That's it, I am joining Marshall's vow.

/ɪt/ /vaʊ/

I am never, ever getting that drunk again.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /ðæt/ /drʌŋk/ /əˈɡɛn/

Kids, you see where this is going.

/kɪdz/ /juː/ /siː/ /wɛr/ /ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Did last night really happen?

/dɪd/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /ˈhæpən/

I think so.

/θɪŋk/

Look, let's just agree.

/lʊk/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈɡriː/

Absolute silence for the rest of the day.

/fɔːr/ /rɛst/ /deɪ/

Every time.

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/

You want me to get her?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/ /hɜːr/

No, I got her.

/noʊ/ /hɜːr/

Yeah, I know, I know.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

Hey, Barney? Hey, Barney?

Yeah? Sao?

Whose baby is this?

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ɪz/

Uh, pardon.

How could you, Mom?!

/haʊ/ /kʊd/ /juː/ /mɒm/

You had the map

/juː/ /hæd/ /mæp/

to heaven and you never showed me the way.

/ænd/ /juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /miː/ /weɪ/

May you rot in the bacon-less hell

/meɪ/ /juː/

that I've lived in my entire life.

/ðæt/ /maɪ/ /ɪnˈtaɪər/ /laɪf/

Yeah, they-they, uh, crisp it up real nice here.

/ɪt/ /ʌp/ /riːl/ /naɪs/ /hɪr/

Don't they? Mm-hmm.

/ðeɪ/

What is that-- applewood smoked?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

You know what, Ted,

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/

you've been going at it real hard.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ɪt/ /riːl/ /hɑːrd/

Why don't you take a breather?

/waɪ/ /juː/ /teɪk/

And I'll drive us home.

/ænd/ /draɪv/ /ʌs/ /hoʊm/

Well, congratulations.

/wɛl/ /kənˌɡrætʃʊˈleɪʃənz/

Here's your grease.

/jʊr/

No!

/noʊ/

I don't want to lose a finger.

/wɒnt/ /luːz/

Here. Thanks.

/hɪr/

All right, Ted, let's go.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ɡoʊ/

No, no!

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

I finally found the one, Marshall.

/ˈfaɪnəli/

Her name is Bacon.

/hɜːr/ /neɪm/ /ɪz/

You know, this would go great on one of my mom's LT sandwiches.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wʊd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɡreɪt/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/

Buddy, you got to take it easy.

/ˈbʌdi/ /juː/ /teɪk/ /ɪt/ /ˈiː.zi/

Never!

/ˈnɛv.ər/

I got a lifetime without bacon to make up for.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /meɪk/ /ʌp/ /fɔːr/

I will keep eating and eating

/wɪl/ /kiːp/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /ænd/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/

and eating... Oh, God, help me.

/ænd/ /ˈiː.tɪŋ/ /hɛlp/ /miː/

I'm going down.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /daʊn/

And that's the first

/ænd/ /fɜːrst/

and last time I ever ate bacon.

/ænd/ /læst/ /taɪm/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /eɪt/

Not everything.

/ˈɛv.ri.θɪŋ/

Lily Aldrin? Lily Aldrin?

Let's make out.

/meɪk/ /aʊt/

Are you sure?!

/juː/ /ʃʊr/

Yeah, baby, I'm sure.

/ˈbeɪbi/ /ʃʊr/

Um... Um...

okay, well, you know what? I mean...

/wɛl/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /miːn/

it probably won't even work.

/ɪt/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /ˈiːvən/ /wɜːrk/

And it was stupid.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈstjuːpɪd/

I'm stupid.

/ˈstjuːpɪd/

You're beautiful.

/ˈbjuː.tɪ.fəl/

More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more.

/mɔːr/ /mɔːr/ /mɔːr/ /mɔːr/ /mɔːr/ /mɔːr/ /mɔːr/ /mɔːr/

Whoa, he's awake!

/əˈweɪk/

How'd you do it?!

/juː/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Nothing special.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈspɛʃəl/

Hydration, patience.

Quick, before he passes out again.

/kwɪk/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /hiː/ /aʊt/ /əˈɡɛn/

Barney! Barney!

What's the secret ingredient

/ˈsiːkrɪt/ /ɪnˈɡriːdiənt/

in Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir?

Come on, stay with us.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /steɪ/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/

The secret ingredient

/ˈsiːkrɪt/ /ɪnˈɡriːdiənt/

is...

/ɪz/

nothing.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/

Huh? Huh?

I ate too much bacon.

/eɪt/ /mʌtʃ/

Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir

is a lie.

/ɪz/ /laɪ/

That's the secret.

/ˈsiːkrɪt/

You know, I could use a little lie-down myself.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /kʊd/ /juːz/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /maɪˈsɛlf/

So, Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie?

/ɪz/ /laɪ/

Why would you lie about that?

/waɪ/ /wʊd/ /juː/ /laɪ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ðæt/

Just to mess with us?

/dʒʌst/ /mɛs/ /wɪð/ /ʌs/

Like that one jerk in every high school

/laɪk/ /ðæt/ /dʒɜːrk/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /haɪ/ /skuːl/

who brings in fake mushrooms

/huː/ /brɪŋz/ /feɪk/

just to see who's gullible enough

/dʒʌst/ /siː/ /ɪˈnʌf/

to think they're tripping?

/θɪŋk/

Damn you, Ollie Gunderson.

/juː/

I knew those shrooms tasted like Sea-Monkeys.

/njuː/ /ðoʊz/ /laɪk/

How do you know what Sea-Monkeys taste like?

/haʊ/ /duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /teɪst/ /laɪk/

My older brothers are not...

/maɪ/ /ˈoʊldər/

the best people.

/bɛst/ /ˈpiː.pəl/

Why did you lie?

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /laɪ/

I...

love you guys.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/

He loves us?

/hiː/ /lʌvz/ /ʌs/

Let's throw him down the stairs again.

/θroʊ/ /hɪm/ /daʊn/ /əˈɡɛn/

Yeah! Yeah!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Think about it.

/weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /weɪt/ /θɪŋk/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

The first time Barney

/fɜːrst/ /taɪm/

gave us that drink,

/ɡeɪv/ /ʌs/ /ðæt/ /drɪŋk/

those hangovers all happened

/ðoʊz/ /ɔːl/ /ˈhæpənd/

at the worst possible moments.

/wɜːrst/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

Remember? Marshall thought he botched day two

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /θɔːt/ /hiː/ /deɪ/ /tuː/

of the bar exam, so he freaked out that night and got wasted?

/bɑːr/ /ɪɡˈzæm/ /hiː/ /aʊt/ /ðæt/ /naɪt/ /ænd/

Now I'm gonna miss the last day of the bar?

/naʊ/ /mɪs/ /læst/ /deɪ/ /bɑːr/

I'll never be a lawyer!

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /biː/ /ˈlɔːjər/

I should just go back to being a manager at Structure.

/ʃʊd/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /ˈmænɪdʒər/ /ˈstrʌktʃər/

That ten percent off all vests sale?

/ðæt/ /tɛn/ /pərˈsɛnt/ /ɒf/ /ɔːl/

That was my idea!

/ðæt/ /wɒz/ /maɪ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/

As was cutting the arms off

/wɒz/ /ɑːrmz/ /ɒf/

all the shirts that weren't selling.

/ɔːl/ /ðæt/

That's where I belong.

/wɛr/

No, Marshall.

/noʊ/

You're gonna be a lawyer.

/biː/ /ˈlɔːjər/

No, I can't do it.

/noʊ/ /duː/ /ɪt/

Yes, you can. Your first day back live on the air

/juː/ /kæn/ /jʊr/ /fɜːrst/ /deɪ/ /bæk/ /lɪv/ /ɒn/ /ɛr/

is gonna be legend-- wait for it--

/ɪz/ /biː/ /ˈlɛdʒənd/ /weɪt/ /fɔːr/ /ɪt/

dary!

Your kindergarten field trip

/jʊr/ /ˈkɪndərɡɑːrtən/ /fiːld/ /trɪp/

to the jackhammer and siren museum today...

/ænd/ /mjuˈziːəm/ /təˈdeɪ/

...is gonna be legendary.

/ɪz/ /biː/

No, it's not.

/noʊ/

Nothing's ever gonna be legendary again.

/ˈɛv.ər/ /biː/ /əˈɡɛn/

I-I'm never gonna recover from this.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /rɪˈkʌvər/

It's just a hangover, Ted.

/dʒʌst/

Not that!

/ðæt/

I got left at the altar, Barney.

/lɛft/

I'm now a guy who got left at the altar.

/naʊ/ /ɡaɪ/ /huː/ /lɛft/

There's no coming back from that.

/noʊ/ /bæk/ /ðæt/

Drink this.

/drɪŋk/

You're gonna be okay.

/biː/

Barney made up the Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir

/ʌp/

so we would all believe that we could rally.

/wiː/ /wʊd/ /ɔːl/ /bɪˈliːv/ /ðæt/ /wiː/ /kʊd/

I mean, even though it's fake, it-it worked.

/miːn/ /ˈiːvən/ /ðoʊ/ /feɪk/ /wɜːrkt/

Like-like Dumbo's feather.

Dum-bro's feather.

A placebo.

Place-bro. Place - Bro.

/pleɪs/ /broʊ/

A sugar pill.

/ˈʃʊɡər/ /pɪl/

He lied so we'd be okay.

/hiː/ /laɪd/ /biː/

Hmm. Hmm.

Barney does love us.

/dʌz/ /lʌv/ /ʌs/

I wish we could help him out the way he helped us.

/wɪʃ/ /wiː/ /kʊd/ /hɛlp/ /hɪm/ /aʊt/ /weɪ/ /hiː/ /hɛlpt/ /ʌs/

But the wedding photos are in 20 minutes.

/bʌt/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

My dad's gonna be so pissed.

/maɪ/ /biː/

Yup.

Barney's a dead man.

/dɛd/ /mæn/

Barney? Barney?

You were always a bit...

/juː/ /wɜːr/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/

chatty and blond

/ænd/

for my taste. Like a woman.

/fɔːr/ /maɪ/ /teɪst/ /laɪk/ /ˈwʊm.ən/

But this new side of you--

/bʌt/ /njuː/ /saɪd/ /juː/

quiet,

/ˈkwaɪɪt/

steady?

I like it!

/laɪk/ /ɪt/

You've earned my respect today, son.

/maɪ/ /rɪˈspɛkt/ /təˈdeɪ/ /sʌn/

I request the highest of fives.

/rɪˈkwɛst/

Oh, no. Stay cool.

/noʊ/ /steɪ/ /kuːl/

I got this.

I don't believe this.

/bɪˈliːv/

You did Weekend at Barney's.

/juː/ /dɪd/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

And it worked.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɜːrkt/

God, today's gonna be all downhill from here.

/biː/ /ɔːl/ /hɪr/

That's what the bride wants to hear.

/wɒt/ /braɪd/ /hɪr/

No, that's not what I meant.

/noʊ/ /wɒt/

I just mean Weekend at Barney's

/dʒʌst/ /miːn/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

is a thousand times more amazing than our wedding could ever be.

/ɪz/ /taɪmz/ /mɔːr/ /əˈmeɪzɪŋ/ /ðæn/ /aʊər/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /kʊd/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /biː/

I'm gonna get some more coffee. I can't wait to see the photos!

/ɡɛt/ /sʌm/ /mɔːr/ /ˈkɔː.fi/ /weɪt/ /siː/

Well, he bought it.

/wɛl/ /hiː/ /bɔːt/ /ɪt/

We lied out of love.

/wiː/ /laɪd/ /aʊt/ /lʌv/

Look how happy he is.

/lʊk/ /haʊ/ /ˈhæp.i/ /hiː/ /ɪz/

I mean, he has no idea we had to cancel

/miːn/ /hiː/ /hæz/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /wiː/ /hæd/

the wedding photos and my dad was so angry,

/ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /ænd/ /maɪ/ /dæd/ /wɒz/ /ˈæŋɡri/

he came up to our room and kicked Barney in the crotch.