Season 9 · Tập 19

It was the day of Barney and Robin's wedding,

/ɪt/ /wɒz/ /deɪ/ /ænd/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

and a surprise guest had just arrived.

/ænd/ /sərˈpraɪz/ /hæd/ /dʒʌst/ /əˈraɪvd/

Mom, I-I can't believe you're here.

/mɒm/ /bɪˈliːv/ /hɪr/

How did you get here?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /ɡɛt/ /hɪr/

On a plane.

/ɒn/ /pleɪn/

With your fear of flying? What, did the plane drive here?

/wɪð/ /jʊr/ /fɪər/ /wɒt/ /dɪd/ /pleɪn/ /draɪv/ /hɪr/

I've made enormous strides

since you last saw me, dear.

/sɪns/ /juː/ /læst/ /sɔː/ /miː/ /dɪər/

This is nice.

/ɪz/ /naɪs/

I don't love flying, I must admit.

/lʌv/ /mʌst/ /ədˈmɪt/

I haven't been on a plane in years, but...

/ɒn/ /pleɪn/ /bʌt/

maybe this won't be such a bad...

/ˈmeɪbi/ /biː/ /sʌtʃ/ /bæd/

Ladies and gentlemen, we are cleared for takeoff.

/ænd/ /wiː/ /fɔːr/

We're all gonna die!

/ɔːl/ /daɪ/

During the flight, I'll admit,

/ˈdʊərɪŋ/ /flaɪt/ /ədˈmɪt/

I-I had a few... difficult moments,

/hæd/ /fjuː/ /ˈdɪfɪkʌlt/

but, you know,

/bʌt/ /juː/ /noʊ/

by the time we'd landed...

/taɪm/

Here already.

/hɪr/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/

Well, I have to say, it wasn't so dreadful after all.

/wɛl/ /hæv/ /seɪ/ /ɪt/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ɔːl/

Oh, I do apologize if I caused any distress.

/duː/ /əˈpɒlədʒaɪz/ /ɪf/ /ˈɛn.i/

And, oh, I'm terribly sorry about the door.

/ænd/ /ˈsɒr.i/ /əˈbaʊt/ /dɔːr/

I had no idea it would fly off like that.

/hæd/ /noʊ/ /aɪˈdɪ.ə/ /ɪt/ /wʊd/ /flaɪ/ /ɒf/ /laɪk/ /ðæt/

Please, please send me a bill,

/pliːz/ /pliːz/ /sɛnd/ /miː/

because I'd like to replace it.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /laɪk/ /rɪˈpleɪs/ /ɪt/

I'll be taking the train home.

/biː/ /treɪn/ /hoʊm/

Well, it's official: I'm gonna be

/wɛl/ /əˈfɪʃəl/ /biː/

Judge Marshall Eriksen.

/dʒʌdʒ/

That is great.

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /ɡreɪt/

Can you help me get a driver's license?

/kæn/ /juː/ /hɛlp/ /miː/ /ɡɛt/

A what?

/wɒt/

Marshall, you, uh, you don't sound

/juː/ /juː/ /saʊnd/

too excited to become a judge.

/ɪkˈsaɪ.tɪd/ /bɪˈkʌm/ /dʒʌdʒ/

I feel kind of guilty about it.

/fiːl/ /kaɪnd/ /ˈɡɪlti/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

I mean, I know how badly Lily wanted to move to Italy.

/miːn/ /noʊ/ /haʊ/ /muːv/ /ˈɪtəli/

Don't do this, bro.

/duː/ /broʊ/

Classic mistake.

/ˈklæsɪk/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

You won-- enjoy it.

/juː/ /wʌn/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /ɪt/

Drink the blood of your vanquished enemy and move on.

/drɪŋk/ /jʊr/ /ænd/ /muːv/ /ɒn/

You're gonna be a great husband.

/biː/ /ɡreɪt/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

No, no, wait, he has a point.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/ /weɪt/ /hiː/ /hæz/ /pɔɪnt/

I mean, you said yourself, it was her decision.

/miːn/ /juː/ /sɛd/ /jɔːrˈsɛlf/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /hɜːr/ /dɪˈsɪʒ.ən/

Lily chose to give up her job

/ɡɪv/ /ʌp/ /hɜːr/ /dʒɒb/

and not move to Rome so you could be a judge.

/ænd/ /muːv/ /roʊm/ /juː/ /kʊd/ /biː/ /dʒʌdʒ/

Yeah, but something seemed off.

/bʌt/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ɒf/

We had this big fight and she stormed out,

/wiː/ /hæd/ /bɪɡ/ /faɪt/ /ænd/ /ʃiː/ /aʊt/

and when she came back, she had totally, like, changed her mind.

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /bæk/ /ʃiː/ /hæd/ /ˈtoʊtəli/ /laɪk/ /tʃeɪndʒd/ /hɜːr/ /maɪnd/

Wait, what time was this?

/weɪt/ /wɒt/ /taɪm/ /wɒz/

A little after 3:00 a.m., Billy Zabka. Why?

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /ˈæf.tər/ /waɪ/

Well, last night, I was out

/wɛl/ /læst/ /naɪt/ /wɒz/ /aʊt/

doing some late-night dirt-biking in the sand.

/sʌm/

Naturally. Continue. And I ended up

/kənˈtɪnjuː/ /ænd/ /ʌp/

at that EZ Pick a few miles up the road.

/ðæt/ /pɪk/ /fjuː/ /maɪlz/ /ʌp/ /roʊd/

And, well... And, well...

/ænd/ /wɛl/ /ænd/ /wɛl/

That's odd.

Boo...! Boo...!

You saw Lily getting into someone's car?

/juː/ /sɔː/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /kɑːr/

I wonder who it was.

/ˈwʌndər/ /huː/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/

What did the license plate say?

/wɒt/ /dɪd/ /seɪ/

It said...

/ɪt/ /sɛd/

"AHOY!!!" "Ahoy!!!"

The Captain! Lily's boss.

/ˈkæptɪn/ /bɔːs/

He has a house out here.

/hiː/ /hæz/ /haʊs/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

Wait, why was Lily getting into the Captain's car

/weɪt/ /waɪ/ /wɒz/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /kɑːr/

at 3:00 in the morning?

/ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

Guys...

/ɡaɪz/

I hate to even say this, but...

/heɪt/ /ˈiːvən/ /seɪ/ /bʌt/

do you think it's possible...

/duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/ /ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/

...that I could eat six of these saltines

/ðæt/ /kʊd/ /iːt/ /sɪks/ /ðiːz/

in under a minute?

/ˈʌndər/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Challenge accepted!

/ˈtʃælɪndʒ/

Well, I can't wait to meet this Barney.

/wɛl/ /weɪt/ /miːt/

I haven't met him already, have I?

/hɪm/ /ɔːlˈrɛd.i/ /hæv/

Because they said after getting Tasered,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ðeɪ/ /sɛd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

I might suffer from short-term memory loss.

/maɪt/ /ˈmɛməri/

Oh, you'd remember if you'd met Barney.

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/ /ɪf/

Why don't I see what he's doing right now?

/waɪ/ /siː/ /wɒt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Barney's phone. Ted, where's Barney?

/foʊn/

He's trying to eat

/iːt/

six saltines in under a minute.

/sɪks/ /ˈʌndər/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

Well, his future mother-in-law is here.

/wɛl/ /hɪz/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/ /ɪz/ /hɪr/

Robin's mom is here.

/mɒm/ /ɪz/ /hɪr/

And she wants to meet him.

/ænd/ /ʃiː/ /miːt/ /hɪm/

She wants to meet you.

/ʃiː/ /miːt/ /juː/

He's kind of in the middle of a saltine challenge at the moment.

/kaɪnd/ /ˈmɪdəl/ /ˈtʃælɪndʒ/ /ˈmoʊmənt/

But as soon as he's done, he'll just, uh, pop right over.

/bʌt/ /suːn/ /dʌn/ /dʒʌst/ /pɒp/ /raɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

All right. Good-bye.

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/

The saltine challenge?

/ˈtʃælɪndʒ/

Now?

/naʊ/

It's his wedding day.

/hɪz/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /deɪ/

Guys do weird things on their wedding day.

/ɡaɪz/ /duː/ /θɪŋz/ /ɒn/ /ðɛr/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /deɪ/

Well, on my wedding day,

/wɛl/ /ɒn/ /maɪ/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ /deɪ/

Robin's father completely disappeared

/ˈfɑː.ðər/ /kəmˈpliːtli/

for about three hours.

/fɔːr/ /əˈbaʊt/ /θriː/ /ˈaʊərz/

He just said, "I've got to go

/hiː/ /dʒʌst/ /sɛd/ /ɡoʊ/

and teach somebody some manners," and off he went.

/ænd/ /tiːtʃ/ /ˈsʌm.bɒd.i/ /sʌm/ /ænd/ /ɒf/ /hiː/ /wɛnt/

And then

/ænd/ /ðɛn/

three hours later,

/θriː/ /ˈaʊərz/ /ˈleɪtər/

he emerged from the woods with a dead elk

/hiː/ /wɪð/ /dɛd/

slung across his shoulder.

/əˈkrɒs/ /hɪz/

And I didn't even know that there were elk in Bermuda.

/ænd/ /ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /ðɛr/ /wɜːr/

But this Barney--

/bʌt/

he sounds like a fine young man.

/hiː/ /laɪk/ /faɪn/ /jʌŋ/ /mæn/

Yes, he is.

/hiː/ /ɪz/

We're going again.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /əˈɡɛn/

Marshall, are you okay?

/juː/

Why did she get into the Captain's car,

/waɪ/ /dɪd/ /ʃiː/ /ɡɛt/ /kɑːr/

and why didn't she tell me about it?

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /ʃiː/ /tɛl/ /miː/ /əˈbaʊt/ /ɪt/

Well, maybe it was a work thing. What? No.

/wɛl/ /ˈmeɪbi/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /wɜːrk/ /θɪŋ/ /wɒt/ /noʊ/

She has a big fight with me,

/ʃiː/ /hæz/ /bɪɡ/ /faɪt/ /wɪð/ /miː/

she goes down to an EZ Pick,

/ʃiː/ /ɡoʊz/ /daʊn/ /pɪk/

she gets into the Captain's Mercedes,

/ʃiː/ /ɡɛts/

and then three hours later,

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /θriː/ /ˈaʊərz/ /ˈleɪtər/

she doesn't want to go to Italy anymore?

/ʃiː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈɪtəli/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

I mean, do you think this means...

/miːn/ /duː/ /juː/ /θɪŋk/

That the Captain moored his dinghy in Lily's lagoon?

/ðæt/ /ˈkæptɪn/ /hɪz/

Most definitely.

/moʊst/ /ˈdɛfɪnɪtli/

That's crazy.

/ˈkreɪzi/

You'd never moor a dinghy in a lagoon.

/ˈnɛv.ər/

I don't know, Ted.

/noʊ/

In certain tidal conditions,

if you had a protected inlet...

/ɪf/ /juː/ /hæd/

Okay, you know what? It doesn't matter.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ˈmætər/

Today is Barney's wedding.

/təˈdeɪ/ /ɪz/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Let's just forget it.

/dʒʌst/ /fərˈɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Marshall... Marshall...

do you want to go over to the Captain's house right now,

/duː/ /juː/ /wɒnt/ /ɡoʊ/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /haʊs/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

punch him in the face really fast

/pʌntʃ/ /hɪm/ /feɪs/ /ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /fæst/

and then come back and do this wedding?

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /kʌm/ /bæk/ /ænd/ /duː/ /ˈwɛdɪŋ/

Would that be okay?

/wʊd/ /ðæt/ /biː/

Ranjit, get the car.

/ɡɛt/ /kɑːr/

Getting the car.

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/ /kɑːr/

Baby, I can't wait to meet your mom,

/ˈbeɪbi/ /weɪt/ /miːt/ /jʊr/ /mɒm/

but I kind of got to go on

/bʌt/ /kaɪnd/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/

a little excursion with the boys right now.

/ˈlɪt.əl/ /wɪð/ /bɔɪz/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

What? Where are you going?

/wɒt/ /wɛr/ /juː/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/

Me and the boys have to go teach someone some manners.

/miː/ /ænd/ /bɔɪz/ /hæv/ /ɡoʊ/ /tiːtʃ/ /ˈsʌmwʌn/ /sʌm/

Are there any elk on Long Island?

/ðɛr/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ɒn/ /lɔːŋ/ /ˈaɪlənd/

♪ My gallant housekeeping crew ♪

/maɪ/

♪ Good morning.

/ɡʊd/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

♪ Sir! Good morning.

/sɜːr/ /ɡʊd/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

♪ I hope you are quite well.

/hoʊp/ /juː/ /kwaɪt/ /wɛl/

♪ Quite well, and you, sir?

/kwaɪt/ /wɛl/ /ænd/ /juː/ /sɜːr/

♪ I am in reasonable health.

/ˈriːzənəbl/

♪ And happy to meet you all once... ♪

/ænd/ /ˈhæp.i/ /miːt/ /juː/ /ɔːl/ /wʌns/

Oh, bother it!

/ˈbɒðər/ /ɪt/

I'll get it.

/ɡɛt/ /ɪt/

Ahoy, Marshall! Ahoy, Marshall!

Are you okay, Robin? No, I'm not okay,

/juː/ /noʊ/

because apparently, I am marrying my dad

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈmæriɪŋ/ /maɪ/ /dæd/

in a few hours.

/fjuː/ /ˈaʊərz/

Oh, sweetie, no.

/ˈswiːti/ /noʊ/

I'm sure that's not true.

/ʃʊr/ /truː/

I mean, th-there's so much

/miːn/ /mʌtʃ/

you don't know about your father.

/juː/ /noʊ/ /əˈbaʊt/ /jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

There were... oh, there were so many other

/ðɛr/ /wɜːr/ /ðɛr/ /wɜːr/ /ˈmɛn.i/ /ˈʌð.ər/

red flags in our marriage.

/rɛd/ /aʊər/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/

I mean, for instance,

/miːn/ /fɔːr/

do you know that

/duː/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

before he was engaged to me,

/bɪˈfɔːr/ /hiː/ /wɒz/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/ /miː/

he was engaged to marry an exotic dancer?

/hiː/ /wɒz/ /ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/ /ˈmæri/ /ˈdænsər/

Hello! Hello !

Red flag!

/rɛd/

Oh, Genevieve,

not good.

/ɡʊd/

And did you know that one time,

/ænd/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/ /taɪm/

to impress women,

/ˈwɪmɪn/

he dressed up like a Prussian aristocrat,

/hiː/ /ʌp/ /laɪk/

had a painting of himself made,

/hæd/ /ˈpeɪntɪŋ/ /hɪmˈsɛlf/

and posed next to it in an art gallery?

/ænd/ /nɛkst/ /ɪt/ /ɑːrt/ /ˈɡæləri/

Can you imagine?

/kæn/ /juː/ /ɪˈmædʒ.ɪn/

Oh, that's a rough one.

/rʌf/

Darling, darling, the list goes on.

/lɪst/ /ɡoʊz/ /ɒn/

He would always take his mother's side in arguments.

/hiː/ /wʊd/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /teɪk/ /hɪz/ /saɪd/

He never checked with me before making plans.

/hiː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /wɪð/ /miː/ /bɪˈfɔːr/

And our rehearsal dinner... oh, boy, did we have it out

/ænd/ /aʊər/ /ˈdɪn.ər/ /bɔɪ/ /dɪd/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/

right before our rehearsal dinner!

/raɪt/ /bɪˈfɔːr/ /aʊər/ /ˈdɪn.ər/

Thank you, Linus. Thank you, linus.

/juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/ /juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

For the first

/fɔːr/ /fɜːrst/

ten years I knew him,

/tɛn/ /njuː/ /hɪm/

I didn't even know what your father did for a living.

/ˈiːvən/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /dɪd/ /fɔːr/ /ˈlɪvɪŋ/

Every time I used to ask him,

/ˈɛv.ri/ /taɪm/ /æsk/ /hɪm/

he'd just say... Please!

/dʒʌst/ /seɪ/ /pliːz/

Yes, that's exactly what he used to say.

/ɪɡˈzæktli/ /wɒt/ /hiː/ /seɪ/

How did you know that?

/haʊ/ /dɪd/ /juː/ /noʊ/ /ðæt/

Heck of a jab, Marshall.

Well-placed.

Captain, Captain,

/ˈkæptɪn/ /ˈkæptɪn/

I know something happened

/noʊ/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/

between you and Lily last night.

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /juː/ /ænd/ /læst/ /naɪt/

What?

/wɒt/

No. Nothing happened.

/noʊ/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/

Captain's honor.

Well, you can ask my fiancée.

/wɛl/ /juː/ /kæn/ /æsk/ /maɪ/

Fiancée? What-what fiancée?

Captain. Captain.

/ˈkæptɪn/ /ˈkæptɪn/

Permission to clear things up? Granted.

/klɪər/ /θɪŋz/ /ʌp/

Me.

/miː/

We're engaged.

/ɪnˈɡeɪdʒd/

It's "boats, boats, boats"!

/boʊts/ /boʊts/ /boʊts/

Ted, look! Uh, yeah.

/lʊk/

I mean, yeah, I know her from that commercial.

/miːn/ /noʊ/ /hɜːr/ /ðæt/

Boats, boats, boats! boats, boats, boats!

/boʊts/ /boʊts/ /boʊts/ /boʊts/ /boʊts/ /boʊts/

And only from that commercial.

/ænd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /ðæt/

No, you banged her.

/noʊ/ /juː/ /hɜːr/

Remember?

/rɪˈmɛm.bər/

Like, a bunch of times.

/laɪk/ /taɪmz/

You knocked "boots, boots, boots""

/juː/

All right, Captain. What the hell

/ɔːl/ /raɪt/ /ˈkæptɪn/ /wɒt/

happened here last night?

/ˈhæpənd/ /hɪr/ /læst/ /naɪt/

Well, it was just after four bells.

/wɛl/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈæf.tər/

Ahoy! Ahoy!

Hi, I-I know it's late,

/noʊ/ /leɪt/

but I've got to get out of here.

/bʌt/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

So I sent the car. When she got here...

/sɛnt/ /kɑːr/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /hɪr/

Lily, what a lovely...

/wɒt/ /ˈlʌvli/

Can I use your powder room?

/kæn/ /juːz/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/

And then she went to the powder room.

/ænd/ /ðɛn/ /ʃiː/ /wɛnt/ /ruːm/

She was in there quite a while, actually.

/ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ðɛr/ /kwaɪt/ /waɪl/ /ˈæktʃuəli/

Probably a deuce. Go on.

/ˈprɒbəbli/ /ɡoʊ/ /ɒn/

And when she came out,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /aʊt/

she had to leave right away.

/ʃiː/ /hæd/ /liːv/ /raɪt/ /əˈweɪ/

It was odd.

/ɪt/ /wɒz/

But I assure you, nothing inappropriate happened

/bʌt/ /juː/ /ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /ˈhæpənd/

between me and your wife.

/bɪˈtwiːn/ /miː/ /ænd/ /jʊr/ /waɪf/

Captain, I understand what you're saying,

/ˈkæptɪn/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /wɒt/

but what you don't understand is that

/bʌt/ /wɒt/ /juː/ /ˌʌn.dərˈstænd/ /ɪz/ /ðæt/

Lily is my wife,

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /waɪf/

and I love her way too much

/ænd/ /lʌv/ /hɜːr/ /weɪ/ /mʌtʃ/

to behave rationally right now!

/bɪˈheɪv/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

En garde!

This is the best day of my life.

/ɪz/ /bɛst/ /deɪ/ /maɪ/ /laɪf/

Oh, darling, come on, no, no.

/kʌm/ /ɒn/ /noʊ/ /noʊ/

You're not marrying your father.

/ˈmæriɪŋ/ /jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

I mean, your father...

/miːn/ /jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/

I mean, let's just put it this way.

/miːn/ /dʒʌst/ /pʊt/ /ɪt/ /weɪ/

Your father was a sociopath.

/jʊr/ /ˈfɑː.ðər/ /wɒz/

He slept with over 20 women.

/hiː/ /slɛpt/ /wɪð/ /ˈoʊ.vər/ /ˈwɪmɪn/

And sure, you know,

/ænd/ /ʃʊr/ /juː/ /noʊ/

we were friends for years first

/wiː/ /wɜːr/ /frɛndz/ /fɔːr/ /fɜːrst/

and it was entertaining watching him lie

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /wɒz/ /ˈwɒtʃɪŋ/ /hɪm/ /laɪ/

to those poor girls to get inside their snow pants,

/ðoʊz/ /pʊr/ /ɡɜːrlz/ /ɡɛt/ /ðɛr/ /pænts/

but I should have known back then

/bʌt/ /ʃʊd/ /hæv/ /bæk/ /ðɛn/

this was not husband material.

/wɒz/ /ˈhʌzbənd/

I mean, even your Uncle Jim, you know,

/miːn/ /ˈiːvən/ /jʊr/ /ˈʌŋkəl/ /juː/ /noʊ/

his gay black brother...

/hɪz/ /blæk/ /ˈbrʌð.ər/

Will you shut up!

/wɪl/ /juː/ /ʃʌt/ /ʌp/

Go for Barney!

/ɡoʊ/ /fɔːr/

Your bride is freaking the crap out right now.

/jʊr/ /braɪd/ /ɪz/ /aʊt/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

Where the hell are you?

/wɛr/ /juː/

I warn you, Captain,

/wɔːrn/ /juː/ /ˈkæptɪn/

I've pretended to have a duel with actual swords twice.

/hæv/ /wɪð/

I warn you, Marshall,

/wɔːrn/ /juː/

I was on the Olympic fencing team.

/wɒz/ /ɒn/ /tiːm/

Won three gold medals.

/wʌn/ /θriː/

I warn you, Captain,

/wɔːrn/ /juː/ /ˈkæptɪn/

I'm starting to feel like this was a mistake.

/fiːl/ /laɪk/ /wɒz/ /mɪˈsteɪk/

I think I'd better not say where I am.

/θɪŋk/ /ˈbɛt.ər/ /seɪ/ /wɛr/

I am not kidding around here!

/ˈkɪdɪŋ/ /əˈraʊnd/ /hɪr/

Tell me where you are!

/tɛl/ /miː/ /wɛr/ /juː/

We're at the Captain's house.

/haʊs/

What is it? What's wrong?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ɪt/ /rɒŋ/

I am so busted.

Thank you, Linus. Thank you, linus.

/juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/ /juː/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

You have another piece of gum?

/juː/ /hæv/ /əˈnʌðər/ /piːs/ /ɡʌm/

I can keep a secret.

/kæn/ /kiːp/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

I can keep a secret real good.

/kæn/ /kiːp/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /riːl/ /ɡʊd/

Are you chewing gum?

/juː/ /ɡʌm/

I can keep a secret like nobody's business,

/kæn/ /kiːp/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /laɪk/ /ˈbɪznɪs/

'cause it is nobody's business.

/kɔːz/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/ /ˈbɪznɪs/

You never chew gum.

/juː/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡʌm/

You shouldn't chew gum in here.

/juː/ /ɡʌm/ /hɪr/

'Cause it's a secret, and I'm keeping it!

/kɔːz/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/ /ænd/ /ɪt/

Wait!

/weɪt/

Stop the duel!

/stɒp/

Oh, thank God.

I mean, why?

/miːn/ /waɪ/

Why?

/waɪ/

Because I just solved the mystery,

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /dʒʌst/ /ˈmɪstəri/

that's why.

/waɪ/

Mosby Boys!

/bɔɪz/

We agreed you wouldn't do that anymore.

/wiː/ /juː/ /duː/ /ðæt/ /ˌɛniˈmɔːr/

Mystery? What mystery?

/ˈmɪstəri/ /wɒt/ /ˈmɪstəri/

Lily has a secret.

/hæz/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

She's hiding something,

/ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/

and I know what it is.

/ænd/ /noʊ/ /wɒt/ /ɪt/ /ɪz/

Okay, what is she hiding?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /ʃiː/

I'll tell you in a minute.

/tɛl/ /juː/ /ˈmɪn.ɪt/

I want to enjoy the suspense a little bit first.

/wɒnt/ /ɪnˈdʒɔɪ/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /fɜːrst/

Ooh. Ooh.

Oh, my God, will you just tell us!

/maɪ/ /wɪl/ /juː/ /dʒʌst/ /tɛl/ /ʌs/

Very well.

/ˈvɛr.i/ /wɛl/

Now, we can all agree

/naʊ/ /wiː/ /kæn/ /ɔːl/ /əˈɡriː/

that this is the first time I've ever set foot

/ðæt/ /ɪz/ /fɜːrst/ /taɪm/ /ˈɛv.ər/ /sɛt/ /fʊt/

in this house, correct?

/haʊs/ /kəˈrɛkt/

Oh, this is going to be unbearable.

/ɪz/ /ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/

Now, Captain, your powder room--

/naʊ/ /ˈkæptɪn/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/

does it face out on the ocean?

/dʌz/ /ɪt/ /feɪs/ /aʊt/ /ɒn/

Of course, right over the cliff.

/kɔːrs/ /raɪt/ /ˈoʊ.vər/

Just as I suspected.

/dʒʌst/

And if I were to walk

/ænd/ /ɪf/ /wɜːr/ /wɔːk/

into this powder room right now,

/ruːm/ /raɪt/ /naʊ/

I believe I'd see a potted plant of some sort.

/bɪˈliːv/ /siː/ /sʌm/ /sɔːrt/

Is that correct?

/ɪz/ /ðæt/ /kəˈrɛkt/

Yes. There's a daisy.

A daisy. Interesting.

/ˈɪn.trɪ.stɪŋ/

Uh, not traditionally an indoor plant,

but I suppose it gets plenty of light

/bʌt/ /ɪt/ /ɡɛts/ /ˈplɛnti/ /laɪt/

with the southern exposure.

/wɪð/

That's right, it does.

/raɪt/ /ɪt/ /dʌz/

Will you please fetch the daisy?

/wɪl/ /juː/ /pliːz/

Aye-aye. Aye-aye.

I totally solved it.

/ˈtoʊtəli/ /ɪt/

You didn't solve it.

/juː/ /sɒlv/ /ɪt/

You didn't solve it.

/juː/ /sɒlv/ /ɪt/

You didn't solve it.

/juː/ /sɒlv/ /ɪt/

Did you solve...? No, you didn't solve it.

/dɪd/ /juː/ /sɒlv/ /noʊ/ /juː/ /sɒlv/ /ɪt/

I solved it!

/ɪt/

Ah. Ah.

Thank you, Captain. Thank you, captain.

/juː/ /ˈkæptɪn/ /juː/ /ˈkæptɪn/

Now...

/naʊ/

a simple question.

/ˈsɪm.pəl/ /ˈkwɛs.tʃən/

When Lily and Marshall are apart for an extended period of time,

/wɛn/ /ænd/ /fɔːr/ /taɪm/

what is the one thing Lily always does?

/wɒt/ /ɪz/ /θɪŋ/ /ˈɔːl.weɪz/ /dʌz/

Cry?

/kraɪ/

Masturbate?

Karate? Karate?

/kəˈrɑːti/ /kəˈrɑːti/

Go sailing?

/ɡoʊ/

No.

/noʊ/

When Lily and Marshall are apart

/wɛn/ /ænd/

for a long period of time,

/fɔːr/ /lɔːŋ/ /taɪm/

Lily... always...

/ˈɔːl.weɪz/

...starts smoking again.

/ˈsmoʊkɪŋ/ /əˈɡɛn/

That's true, she does.

/truː/ /ʃiː/ /dʌz/

Happened when she went to Paris in college.

/ˈhæpənd/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /wɛnt/ /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/

It happened when she moved to San Francisco, and last week,

/ɪt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /frænˈsɪskoʊ/ /ænd/ /læst/ /wiːk/

it happened again.

/ɪt/ /ˈhæpənd/ /əˈɡɛn/

From the moment Marshall left for Minnesota,

/ˈmoʊmənt/ /lɛft/ /fɔːr/

Lily's been secretly puffing down the ciggies

/daʊn/

like a 46-year-old grandma at a Reno slot machine.

/laɪk/ /ˈɡrænmɑː/ /məˈʃiːn/

Problem was, come Friday morning,

/ˈprɒbləm/ /wɒz/ /kʌm/ /ˈmɔːr.nɪŋ/

she knew she'd have to quit again,cold turkey.

/ʃiː/ /njuː/ /hæv/ /kwɪt/ /əˈɡɛn/ /koʊld/ /ˈtɜːrki/

And it wouldn't be easy.

/ænd/ /ɪt/ /biː/ /ˈiː.zi/

She tried to make it a whole car ride

/ʃiː/ /meɪk/ /ɪt/ /hoʊl/ /kɑːr/ /raɪd/

without a fix, but couldn't.

/wɪˈðaʊt/ /fɪks/ /bʌt/

So, she pretended to be annoyed

/ʃiː/ /biː/

by perfectly reasonable things, like my stylish driving gloves

/ˈriːzənəbl/ /θɪŋz/ /laɪk/ /maɪ/ /ˈdraɪvɪŋ/

and my appreciation of the historic van Otterloop manse.

/ænd/ /maɪ/ /væn/

All so she could have one last smoke on the train.

/ɔːl/ /ʃiː/ /kʊd/ /hæv/ /læst/ /smoʊk/ /ɒn/ /treɪn/

But afterwards, her breath told the tale.

/bʌt/ /hɜːr/ /brɛθ/ /toʊld/

And that's why, when she got to the hotel,

/ænd/ /waɪ/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /hoʊˈtɛl/

Lily... Lily...

was chewing... gum.

/wɒz/ /ɡʌm/

Lily never chews gum.

/ˈnɛv.ər/ /ɡʌm/

What? Never?

/wɒt/ /ˈnɛv.ər/

Well, hardly ever.

/wɛl/ /ˈɛv.ər/

Great job, Ted.

/ɡreɪt/ /dʒɒb/

That's some pretty solid evidence. Gum.

/sʌm/ /ˈprɪti/ /ˈɛvɪdəns/ /ɡʌm/

Oh, Barney, my dear boy.

/maɪ/ /dɪər/ /bɔɪ/

I'm just getting started.

/dʒʌst/ /ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

Getting started?

/ˈɡɛtɪŋ/

Lily knew that cigarette

/njuː/ /ðæt/ /ˌsɪɡəˈrɛt/

was probably her last for a while.

/wɒz/ /ˈprɒbəbli/ /hɜːr/ /læst/ /fɔːr/ /waɪl/

She needed something to keep her nerves calm,

/ʃiː/ /ˈsʌm.θɪŋ/ /kiːp/ /hɜːr/ /kɑːm/

so she headed to the bar.

/ʃiː/ /ˈhɛdɪd/ /bɑːr/

Anytime you see me without a drink in my hand,

/juː/ /siː/ /miː/ /wɪˈðaʊt/ /drɪŋk/ /maɪ/ /hænd/

you put a drink in my hand.

/juː/ /pʊt/ /drɪŋk/ /maɪ/ /hænd/

Are you my guy, Linus?

/juː/ /maɪ/ /ɡaɪ/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

What followed was a long day and a half for Lily.

/wɒt/ /wɒz/ /lɔːŋ/ /deɪ/ /ænd/ /hæf/ /fɔːr/

A really long day and a half.

/ˈrɪ.ə.li/ /lɔːŋ/ /deɪ/ /ænd/ /hæf/

Oh, it's kind of insane

/kaɪnd/ /ɪnˈseɪn/

how much happened in just a day and a half.

/haʊ/ /mʌtʃ/ /ˈhæpənd/ /dʒʌst/ /deɪ/ /ænd/ /hæf/

Anyway, Marshall returned,

/ˈɛniweɪ/

they had a big fight, Lily stormed out.

/ðeɪ/ /hæd/ /bɪɡ/ /faɪt/ /aʊt/

And that's when she realized,

/ænd/ /wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /ˈriːəlaɪzd/

if she was gonna sneak one this weekend,

/ɪf/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ˈwiːkɛnd/

this was her chance.

/wɒz/ /hɜːr/ /tʃæns/

And after that fight, boy, did she need one.

/ænd/ /ˈæf.tər/ /ðæt/ /faɪt/ /bɔɪ/ /dɪd/ /ʃiː/ /niːd/

Only problem: she was all out.

/ˈoʊnli/ /ˈprɒbləm/ /ʃiː/ /wɒz/ /ɔːl/ /aʊt/

Now,

/naʊ/

it's 3:00 a.m.,

you need a cigarette,

/juː/ /niːd/ /ˌsɪɡəˈrɛt/

and the only place that's open is an EZ Pick

/ænd/ /ˈoʊnli/ /pleɪs/ /ˈoʊ.pən/ /ɪz/ /pɪk/

that's five miles down the road.

/faɪv/ /maɪlz/ /daʊn/ /roʊd/

You have no car.

/juː/ /hæv/ /noʊ/ /kɑːr/

What do you do? Go.

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /duː/ /ɡoʊ/

Dirt-bike it.

/ɪt/

I can walk that far.

/kæn/ /wɔːk/ /ðæt/ /fɑːr/

Masturbate.

Take a boat.

/teɪk/ /boʊt/

What? A boat? No.

/wɒt/ /boʊt/ /noʊ/

Dude, she got a ride in your car, remember?

/ʃiː/ /raɪd/ /jʊr/ /kɑːr/ /rɪˈmɛm.bər/

Ahoy. Ahoy.

Hi. I-I know it's late,

/noʊ/ /leɪt/

but I've got to get out of here.

/bʌt/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

I want to make one stop first.

/wɒnt/ /meɪk/ /stɒp/ /fɜːrst/

The problem was,

/ˈprɒbləm/ /wɒz/

Lily didn't want to smoke in front of her new employer.

/wɒnt/ /smoʊk/ /hɜːr/ /njuː/ /ɪmˈplɔɪər/

So, when she arrived

/wɛn/ /ʃiː/ /əˈraɪvd/

at the Captain's house, there was only one

/haʊs/ /ðɛr/ /wɒz/ /ˈoʊnli/

possible course of action.

/ˈpɒs.ɪ.bəl/ /kɔːrs/ /ˈæk.ʃən/

Can I use your powder room?

/kæn/ /juːz/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/

Now,

/naʊ/

you're Lily.

You've just had a cigarette

/dʒʌst/ /hæd/ /ˌsɪɡəˈrɛt/

in your boss's powder room.

/jʊr/ /ruːm/

What do you do with the cigarette butt?

/wɒt/ /duː/ /juː/ /duː/ /wɪð/ /ˌsɪɡəˈrɛt/ /bʌt/

Throw it out the window? Flush it?

/θroʊ/ /ɪt/ /aʊt/ /ˈwɪndoʊ/ /ɪt/

No, she-she wouldn't do either of those things.

/noʊ/ /duː/ /ˈiː.ðər/ /ðoʊz/ /θɪŋz/

She's an environmentalist.

Stick it in your purse?

/stɪk/ /ɪt/ /jʊr/

Marshall could find it there.

/kʊd/ /faɪnd/ /ɪt/ /ðɛr/

Throw it in the trash can.

/θroʊ/ /ɪt/ /træʃ/ /kæn/

The Captain would find it there.

/ˈkæptɪn/ /wʊd/ /faɪnd/ /ɪt/ /ðɛr/

Hide it in a boat.

/haɪd/ /ɪt/ /boʊt/

A boat? Wait. How would that...

/boʊt/ /weɪt/ /haʊ/ /wʊd/ /ðæt/

I don't know.

/noʊ/

I just... I like boats.

/dʒʌst/ /laɪk/ /boʊts/

No.

/noʊ/

There's only one place that she would put it.

/ˈoʊnli/ /pleɪs/ /ðæt/ /ʃiː/ /wʊd/ /pʊt/ /ɪt/

A place where, eventually,

/pleɪs/ /wɛr/

it would decompose and serve as a natural mulch.

/ɪt/ /wʊd/ /ænd/ /sɜːrv/ /ˈnætʃ.ər.əl/

It's in the daisy.

And sure enough,

/ænd/ /ʃʊr/ /ɪˈnʌf/

if I dig around...

/ɪf/ /əˈraʊnd/

I am all but guaranteed to find...

/ɔːl/ /bʌt/ /faɪnd/

A pregnancy test.

/tɛst/

You could smoke those?

/juː/ /kʊd/ /smoʊk/ /ðoʊz/

Oh, no. Oh, no.

/noʊ/ /noʊ/

So, you want the Kennedy package?

/juː/ /wɒnt/ /ˈpækɪdʒ/

Bingo.

One other little thing.

/ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈlɪt.əl/ /θɪŋ/

When you do put a drink in my hand,

/wɛn/ /juː/ /duː/ /pʊt/ /drɪŋk/ /maɪ/ /hænd/

let's make it non-alcoholic.

/meɪk/ /ɪt/

There's a chance I might be pregnant.

/tʃæns/ /maɪt/ /biː/ /ˈprɛɡnənt/

Okay, Linus, Okay, linus,

/ˈlaɪnəs/ /ˈlaɪnəs/

don't start popping the sparkling cider just yet.

/stɑːrt/ /dʒʌst/ /jɛt/

I'm just being cautious.

/dʒʌst/

I'll take a test when I get home.

/teɪk/ /tɛst/ /wɛn/ /ɡɛt/ /hoʊm/

It can wait.

/ɪt/ /kæn/ /weɪt/

Are Marvin and I and any other future children

/ænd/ /ænd/ /ˈɛn.i/ /ˈʌð.ər/ /ˈfjuː.tʃər/ /ˈtʃɪl.drən/

we may have

/wiː/ /meɪ/ /hæv/

just some consolation prize?

/dʒʌst/ /sʌm/

I have to get out of here.

/hæv/ /ɡɛt/ /aʊt/ /hɪr/

It can't wait.

/ɪt/ /weɪt/

Lily, what a lovely...

/wɒt/ /ˈlʌvli/

Can I use your powder room?

/kæn/ /juːz/ /jʊr/ /ruːm/

Two minutes. Here we go.

/tuː/ /hɪr/ /wiː/ /ɡoʊ/

Guys, we need to go back to the hotel.

/ɡaɪz/ /wiː/ /niːd/ /ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /hoʊˈtɛl/

Lily peed on that, and you touched it.

/ɒn/ /ðæt/ /ænd/ /juː/ /ɪt/

Lily? Lily?

We're gonna have a baby?

/hæv/ /ˈbeɪbi/

I told you guys I could keep a secret.

/toʊld/ /juː/ /ɡaɪz/ /kʊd/ /kiːp/ /ˈsiːkrɪt/

Uh, uh, Barney, this-this is my mom.

/ɪz/ /maɪ/ /mɒm/

Hi. Hello. Hi. Hello.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, he's a hugger.

Nothing like your dad.

/ˈnʌθ.ɪŋ/ /laɪk/ /jʊr/ /dæd/

I'm sorry. I-I was gonna tell you tonight.

/ˈsɒr.i/ /wɒz/ /tɛl/ /juː/ /təˈnaɪt/

No. Oh, my God, no. It's fine.

/noʊ/ /maɪ/ /noʊ/ /faɪn/

There's just... there's so much we have to do.

/dʒʌst/ /mʌtʃ/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /duː/

You know, we have to, um... we have to do research on...

/juː/ /noʊ/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /wiː/ /hæv/ /duː/ /ˈriːsɜːrtʃ/ /ɒn/

uh, hospitals in Italy, and we have to, uh...

/ˈɪtəli/ /ænd/ /wiː/ /hæv/

We're not going to Italy.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /ˈɪtəli/

Of course we are.

/kɔːrs/ /wiː/

Lily, we have to do this.

/wiː/ /hæv/ /duː/

You're gonna live in Rome,

/lɪv/ /roʊm/

and you're gonna get your dream, because...

/ænd/ /ɡɛt/ /jʊr/ /driːm/ /bɪˈkɔːz/

because you're giving me mine.

/bɪˈkɔːz/ /ˈɡɪvɪŋ/ /miː/ /maɪn/

Again.

/əˈɡɛn/

But there's gonna be all sorts of paperwork,

/bʌt/ /biː/ /ɔːl/

and-and if she's born outside of the U.S.,

/ɪf/ /bɔːrn/ /ˌaʊtˈsaɪd/

she could never become president.

/ʃiː/ /kʊd/ /ˈnɛv.ər/ /bɪˈkʌm/

It's a girl?

/ɡɜːrl/

Oh. I don't know, but...

/noʊ/ /bʌt/

in my mind, I kind of think she is.

/maɪ/ /maɪnd/ /kaɪnd/ /θɪŋk/ /ʃiː/ /ɪz/

Oh. Oh.

I love you so much.

/lʌv/ /juː/ /mʌtʃ/

Mmm. Mmm.

We're gonna give you some privacy.

/ɡɪv/ /juː/ /sʌm/

It's my room. Why do I have to...?

/maɪ/ /ruːm/ /waɪ/ /duː/ /hæv/

Just... come on.

/dʒʌst/ /kʌm/ /ɒn/

I thought this was an exit. No, balcony.

/θɔːt/ /wɒz/ /noʊ/ /ˈbælkəni/

Ah. Oh. Ah. Oh.

Well, we'll just give them a few minutes, and then...

/wɛl/ /dʒʌst/ /ɡɪv/ /ðɛm/ /fjuː/ /ænd/ /ðɛn/

Mm-hmm. ...we'll go back in and...

/ɡoʊ/ /bæk/ /ænd/

Oh. Oh.

Oh, they are both naked.

/ðeɪ/ /boʊθ/

Yeah, they work fast.

/ðeɪ/ /wɜːrk/ /fæst/

Yes. uhm`

Oh, darling.

Oh, you're going to be fine.

/ˈɡoʊ.ɪŋ/ /biː/ /faɪn/

You know, for every marriage in the world

/juː/ /noʊ/ /fɔːr/ /ˈɛv.ri/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/ /wɜːrld/

like I had with your dad, you know, there's...

/laɪk/ /hæd/ /wɪð/ /jʊr/ /dæd/ /juː/ /noʊ/

there's a marriage like those two in there.

/ˈmærɪdʒ/ /laɪk/ /ðoʊz/ /tuː/ /ðɛr/

And, oh, marriage is...

/ænd/ /ˈmærɪdʒ/ /ɪz/

Oh, it's terrifying.

It's-it's like flying.

/laɪk/